October 16, 2025 • 28 mins
Parents searching for help with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and ADHD often feel stuck in years of therapy with little change. In this Learn to Speak Kid episode, Bonnie and Thomas Liotta share why a proactive, life-skills approach—self-control, responsibility, self-discipline, and focus—can create authentic transformation in 90 days without harsh punishment, endless appointments, or mind-altering medication. You’ll learn how “goal power,” guiding behavior (not managing symptoms), and CCFL’s 12 Principles bridge short-term wins into long-term change so defiant child behavior becomes cooperation at home and school. Click here for solutions that work!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the learn to speak kid podcast where we help parents
transform the most defiant child behavior (00:03):
no mind-altering medication,
no years of therapy,
and no harsh punishment.
And today we're going to be talking about seven years of therapy
versus 90 days of authentic positive change.
We're going to talk about why traditional therapy often drags on and
(00:23):
on with no real change,
why 90 days can be transformative if done intentionally,
and we're going to bridge the gap between short-term wins and
long-term transformative change.
(00:56):
You're listening to learn to speak kid podcast with Bonnie and Thomas Liotta positively.
transforming families one out of control child at a time.
You know,
many families feel stuck in an endless cycle of appointments with
little lasting change,
and I can completely relate with you if that is you.
(01:18):
Because when I first met Thomas here,
my partner,
the brilliance behind creating champions for life,
I was dealing with four kids being diagnosed with different behavior
issues (01:31):
oppositional defiant disorder,
ADHD,
anxiety,
depression.
My house was just constantly full of chaos.
Obviously,
going to endless appointments with the pediatrician,
the therapist,
the counselors,
the teachers,
the principals,
it was just absolutely.
crazy.
And I,
there was no hope; like there was no solution.
(01:52):
It was like everything was just focused on fixing the kid.
But inside my soul,
I knew that we are created in the image of our creator.
And all I could think was,
like,
how could God give me sick kids?
I didn't know how many other millions of parents were dealing with this.
At the time,
I thought it was just me.
I thought I was doing something wrong,
(02:12):
especially after I tried everything.
But my house was still chaotic.
We were still fighting.
There was no real change.
And in fact,
the only solution for my youngest son was to put him in a timeout room at the back,
medicate him,
and just let it ride.
So,
Thomas,
you've worked with thousands of these kids,
which I'm so grateful that you came into my life and you taught me
(02:35):
what we're going to talk about here today.
It was life-changing for me.
It's life-changing for our clients.
But when families come to us and they go,
we've tried everything,
but we're still fighting and nothing works,
what's the first thing that comes to your mind?
Wow,
I got to do heads and tails out of this one.
The first thing that comes to mind is I wonder if anybody asked you,
(02:56):
do you know your role as a parent?
And two,
have you actually given it a go to parent with goal power?
Yeah.
The first time you asked me,
Bonnie,
what is your role as a parent?
I'm like to make my kids happy.
Oh no,
that's not it.
To buy them things?
Oh no,
(03:17):
that's not it.
To protect them from things?
Nothing in my soul felt right about what is my actual role as a
parent (03:25):
here to keep them alive,
dressed,
fed.
What is the role as a parent?
And then,
when I saw my kids would constantly come to you,
going,
can I use your phone to play Angry Birds when they had their own phones,
their own computers,
the Nintendo DS's,
karaoke machines?
I had a Toys R Us in my house,
but they would still go to you and say,
can I play Angry Birds on your phone?
(03:47):
And you would always make it a goal,
like an internal goal.
And what I saw that.
did for my kids is it gave them internal motivation.
It gave them a little spark of life.
And what I realized is that all of this therapy,
medication,
IEPs,
all of this stuff was focused on fixing the kids from the outside in,
(04:12):
focused on symptoms like calming down the symptoms.
Well,
you can give your kid a medication and send them to therapy so that
they can be calmer to sit in the classroom.
But it wasn't actually teaching them life skills.
It wasn't actually giving them a challenge.
It wasn't actually giving them a purpose for being.
(04:32):
There were so many things missing in that therapy plan that I didn't
see until you came into my life So very true.
This would be as part of creating the right environment.
Is the home in reactive mode,
(04:52):
or are we in proactive mode?
Are we just going to get in a car and randomly drive somewhere for a vacation?
Or did we actually have a written plan in place prior before we take action?
When you take action without a proactive plan,
you would be a ship without a rudder.
(05:16):
So when you're off the mark or things are going the way you don't like,
you have really no tools in place to what we call this act,
analyze,
and adjust.
So in the moment,
you can get right back on track,
or otherwise now you're just in panic mode.
Right?
Which is kind of the state.
of parenting today.
(05:36):
We're in panic mode.
We've got,
I don't know,
one out of four kids being diagnosed with ADHD,
two out of ten kids being diagnosed with ODD.
There are so many labels out there.
We could probably cover every single child underneath the sun
because we've been conditioned.
We've been led in the wrong direction.
(05:57):
I think everybody's doing the best they can with what they know.
But when I met Thomas,
I was already a leader in business.
I had trained in leadership already at that time for 18 years.
I had learned about goal power.
Napoleon Hill's six steps to success is you've got to have a goal.
You've got to create a plan.
You've got to decide the price you're willing to pay.
(06:18):
You put it in writing; you read it every day.
But in parenting,
it was constantly correct them in the moment.
Use timeouts and takeaways,
or we bribe.
We end up yelling because that's what my mom did.
And so,
when none of these other parenting strategies worked,
I would end up yelling,
locking myself in my bedroom.
(06:39):
Well,
you know,
if you're listening to this,
you probably understand what I'm getting at.
But when Tom came around and he was talking about being proactive,
and he would sit down with the kids for five minutes,
give them proactive attention,
create a positive plan for them to earn to be able to play Angry Birds on his phone.
(08:00):
Like we've had people come to us,
oh,
my kid's been on meds,
heavily medicated for 10 years.
He's been in and out of jail nine times in the last two years.
Transformed their life in 90 days.
We saw Carlos come with his nine-year-old son,
Charlie,
who had spent a week in a treatment center with no change,
already on medication,
(08:21):
going to join our 90 days and transformed in 90 days.
So what is it that we're doing in the 90-day parenting challenge
that is creating these positive,
transformative moments with these parents?
Kids are off meds,
they're going to school,
they're passing,
they're sitting.
and writing their tests where they couldn't a year before,
(08:42):
even on medication.
Well,
we're following Creating Champions for Life principle number four,
called making the transition.
And this is going from reactive mode to proactive mode.
We're beginning to actually guide their behavior versus punishment.
(09:03):
This is principle number five.
You see,
when you change your approach,
you can create a different outcome.
So if you're doing the same thing again and again and again and
still getting a result that you don't like,
how many of us remember the fly in the glass,
again and again and again and again die at the windowsill when if
(09:24):
All he knew was to go three feet to the left where the window was
open; he would have reached his goal.
So what if it could just be the So if we're coachable and open to
something that you've never seen before?
Just like our kids,
they can't see the world from our perspective.
How could they?
But it's that thought that I've told them a thousand times (09:44):
no way
they would know what it is to drive a buy a house or even have kids.
And it's that thought that's keeping us stuck in a rut.
So when you can change your you're guaranteed to create a better new outcome.
(10:06):
Yeah,
so I wanna talk about bridging the gap between short term wins and long term change.
because,
like today's parenting,
even like gentle parenting,
which is really just authoritative parenting,
right?
You set boundaries,
and you're gentle and kind,
and you talk things through.
Trying to explain to the child how life works.
(10:27):
Well,
I just want you to think,
listener,
mom or dad,
when you wanted to drive a did somebody just talk it through to you
and explain to you how to drive a car?
And then you could get in the car,
and you had all the neural pathways of how to change gears,
look in the mirror,
put your seatbelt on,
shoulder check,
and all these things as you're driving down the Or did you need to
(10:52):
have authentic hands-on experience?
with a trained driver with you who could guide you and direct you in the way to go.
And Tom,
when you first came into my life and I saw you with my kids,
I started seeing them respond better.
I started seeing them get along more.
I started seeing my house become more and more in And I asked you
about it (11:16):
where'd you learn to talk to kids like this?
That's a great question,
Bonnie.
I'd have to answer it this way (11:22):
back in 1994,
when I earned my first black belt,
I knew that a really good class was not getting whacked with a bamboo stick.
I knew that that was not duplicatable to raise kids or students,
and it was at that moment that I took a When I get a chance to teach
(11:47):
and train these students.
I'm going to do the opposite of anything negative to guide my
students to their greatness.
To be honest with you,
Bonnie,
I had really no idea what that would look like,
but I knew in my heart of hearts that I could not tell them something can't,
don't,
won't,
or punish them with something that they would want to avoid.
(12:11):
I took that leap of faith,
and I followed it.
And what it ended up doing is there was this aha moment that clicked:
You guide the behavior versus punish it.
I'll tell you what,
the kids shined.
What I began to see is all these so-called misbehaviors started to disappear.
(12:35):
The parents would come back to me later,
weeks,
months,
or even years.
They would say,
my gosh,
my kid has been able to do more of this; they're an asset in the classroom now.
Their behavior is better at when a child could actually have
somebody that they could go to,
(12:56):
like a trusted advisor,
who could show them the way versus tell them the way.
Oh,
it was literally the difference between heaven and hell.
Was that big difference?
Yeah,
I mean,
we all see you talk with the kids today.
There's nobody like you when it comes to working with kids.
(13:18):
You have a way of seeing the genius in every single child.
You have a way of validating everything they do,
whether it's good,
bad,
or ugly,
or otherwise,
because you're seeing them through an educational lens versus trying to get them to.
And it reminds me of the story that I shared the other day,
(13:40):
and Joy didn't know what I was talking about.
And I was like,
well,
maybe it's a generation gap,
but I'm going to share on Sesame Street when I was a kid.
There was the cloud and the sun,
and they had this big argument about who could get the man down
below to take his coat off faster.
And the wind was like,
I bet you I can huff and puff,
and I can get him to take his coat off before you can get to take his coat off.
(14:02):
You don't have any power.
And so the wind goes first,
and he huffs and he puffs and he blows and blows and tries to force
the man to take his coat off.
But what does the man do when it's cold and windy outside and he's got a coat on?
Tom,
oh my gosh!
He holds on tighter.
He clenches things down and at the short end of the stick he'll
(14:23):
never let anything go.
Right.
So the wind blew and blew until it was totally exhausted,
and he was like,
that man's never going to take his coat off.
I give up.
And then the sun just shone.
And what did the man do?
He took the jacket off.
(14:43):
Yes.
The main reason,
now this is key,
and this is where it clicked,
it's the internal.
Whose idea was it to take the jacket off?
Right,
the wind or the sun,
or was it this?
we'll call them the little genius offspring who's here to just
embrace his own uniqueness.
(15:04):
When it's their idea,
there's no way you could stop him,
no way that the sun or wind could actually make him put it back on.
He made a decision.
He was running on what we call goal power.
And when you can guide that,
then everything falls right into place,
(15:25):
and the common side effects of all these labels and disorders and
whatever else you wanna call them,
they all just go away with really zero to no effort.
I've seen it with my own eyes,
not just with my own kids,
which is when I saw my own kids transform in such a short period of time,
I was like every parent.
(15:47):
in the world needs to know about this.
And some things that you helped me with in the very beginning,
you had mentioned four key characteristics that would make the of
most child behavior disorders fall to the wayside.
And what are the four?
The four basic building blocks that parents should be consciously,
(16:10):
proactively working with their kids on in the very early days.
But I just also wanna say,
like when Rachel brought Clayton,
he was already 14,
almost 15,
and he also transformed in 90 days.
So it's never too late.
But what are those four building blocks?
Number one is self-control (16:26):
I am in control of my body and my versus they are in.
control of my body and my.
Because we can't deny something's in control of our body and our actions.
It's that number one shift.
Well,
that's really,
really powerful because before I met you,
(16:48):
I thought I was in control of all my kids.
And if you're listening to this,
it's like if you could see an olive tree above the ground,
there's this olive tree.
It takes 100 years to mature to start to produce olives.
But underneath the ground are these roots.
(17:08):
And if the roots are planted in infertile soil or the roots start to be choked out,
then the olive tree can't mature and grow and start to.
And so when I went,
I can't control my kids.
They need roots.
They need self-control.
(17:29):
I am in control of my body and my actions.
And that was really when I started to see Zachary and all my kids
become more empowered.
Okay,
so thank you.
They are in control of That's right.
Number two is responsibility.
I am responsible for my actions and my versus they are responsible
(17:57):
for my actions and my belongings.
Because once again,
can we deny that something or somebody has to be responsible for the
actions and the belongings?
And it's that subtle shift that you are responsible; you allow me to
be responsible in direct alignment with being able to be independent
(18:18):
and prepare to leave the This is number Two.
Number three is self-discipline.
Instead of somebody always telling me what to do,
I begin to go,
I know right from wrong.
(18:39):
And it's I do what I'm supposed to do by being asked only once.
It's that internal dialogue that we have that's from can't to can.
And when I can say no,
no,
no,
no,
I gotta do it.
If it is to be,
it's up to me.
I can't expect anybody else to do it.
(19:00):
So,
disciplining of oneself,
this is what independence is all about.
And if we can just take a moment to just play the what-if game.
What if all this so-called misbehavior was wanting them to take that discipline?
Where you cease to exist,
(19:21):
I can do it without your confidence.
They can take on.
any puzzle and know that if I stick with it,
I'll find the solution.
And that releases a dopamine from the inside out of look what I can do all by myself.
(19:42):
It's one of the best highs internally versus externally.
Right?
Versus something's wrong with me and I need to wear a weighted vest
or I special teacher to follow me around class because nobody's ever
consciously worked with me on self-control.
Nobody ever gives me responsibility.
(20:04):
I remember when our nephew came and he was about five or six,
and I was like,
Oh Darian,
look how nicely packed your bag is.
And he went,
I didn't do any of that.
And he was like literally defeated,
right?
He was like I didn't do any of that.
My my mom did it for me.
That was just like a powerful eye opener too.
(20:26):
That's so true.
All right,
number four.
Number four.
This is called focus.
I keep my attention on the task at hand.
You see,
this is a life skill that's actually practiced over time.
But when I can keep my eye on the prize,
we know our kids can already do it because how many times do you
(20:49):
catch them doing something behind your back?
So when we can create that right environment that allows them to go,
if it is to be,
it's up to me,
and I can keep my attention on a task at hand.
This way,
all these distractions,
that something I see or hear or smell or taste or touch.
(21:11):
they're not in control of me anymore and I can block them out.
That's where self-control training comes into play,
which is number one.
And when I can say no,
thank you,
to these other things,
my focus on the task at hand.
Oh,
you've seen it firsthand.
I'm not saying your kids were walking on water,
(21:33):
but your kids were beginning to do things.
It's like,
where has that been my whole life?
Yeah.
Like when we pulled into the driveway and we got out and we went into the house,
and I'm like,
where are my kids?
They're still in the truck.
I'm like,
why?
It's time to come in.
I go out, 'Hey guys,
it's time to come in I dictated,
and then they're like, 'Well,
we can't come in I go Why not?
Well,
we're not done cleaning the truck yet.
(21:54):
And my jaw just kind of fell open.
I was like,
okay,
what did you just do to my kids?
Why are they cleaning my truck?
I didn't even see that again.
They had asked him to play a game on his phone,
and he gave them a goal to put a smile on my face,
and they thought cleaning the truck would be a good idea.
So,
to wrap today up,
all right,
(22:14):
you can go to therapy all you want.
We're not against therapy; we're just not going to expect children
to develop self-control,
responsibility,
self-discipline,
and focus by going to therapy.
In fact,
it can do the opposite because they feel like something's wrong with.
(22:34):
them.
They might like when we first met Tom and Zach goes,
you can't expect the same from me as the other kids because my brain is broken.
Like,
they really internalize something is wrong with them,
especially if we've been medicating them for five,
six,
seven,
eight,
ten years.
Are you with me on this?
All right.
So what you're talking about,
Tom,
it's kind of like constantly putting out fires in the kitchen versus
(22:58):
you teaching the life skill of how hot burners actually work or
practicing a fire escape plan before the fire erupts.
So you can prevent the fire versus always having to put out fires,
always being in crisis mode.
And you're going.
to when we do our 90-day mentorship program with our parents,
(23:21):
we know that it takes 21 days to begin to create a new habit.
It takes 90 days of consistent action to authentically grow new
neural pathways for mom,
for dad,
to look through their lenses as an educational versus behavioral
lens to see your children as little geniuses just looking to navigate the world.
(23:47):
See your little beautiful offspring as your duplication.
You're supposed to duplicate through them.
The faster that they can do things on their own without you,
the faster they're going to grow new neural pathways that say,
if it is to be,
it's up to me.
I think I can,
(24:07):
I think.
I can I think I can just like Thomas the choo choo train.
Right?
And so I want to close with this (24:11):
everything you wish your child to
be and have is a learned skill,
and what you don't use you lose.
So just imagine taking your left arm and putting it in a sling and
(24:32):
tying it to your body and not using it for 90 days to six months.
And then you take your arm out of the sling.
If you've ever had a cast,
you know what I'm talking about.
The muscles begin to dissipate and the arm becomes really weak.
What you don't use you lose.
And so the way we've been taught to raise our kids with constant
(24:53):
correction and lectures and timeouts,
they are not given the opportunity.
to use critical thinking.
They're not given the opportunity to practice self-control or
responsibility or all of these great foundations.
If we don't teach our child how to get our attention,
how are they supposed to know the proper,
(25:16):
uh,
positive way to get our They might throw a plate to get your,
punch a wall to get your attention,
pull your hair to get your attention.
Okay?
Is this all making sense?
(25:36):
Many times parents say that,
well,
my kids,
it's like he doesn't think; he doesn't really do anything unless I'm there telling him.
And so,
great analogy that you just shared,
because asking questions versus dictating is principle number.
(25:56):
eight in our program and what this will do to the life skill called thinking.
If you would like thinking to be that arm that's bound,
tell them what to do 24 hours a day,
seven days a week,
and you'll be absolutely successful.
(26:16):
However,
when you make a shift of asking them a question,
then waiting for them to,
and it rhymes with ink,
you got it.
It's called think.
And the more times you can ask,
they begin to develop that muscle in their brain called thinking.
(26:39):
And that is a game changer,
that if you did that for a 90-day challenge,
well,
Bonnie,
let me ask you.
Well,
the number one comment we get is this has been life-changing for my family.
That's right.
Would you ever go back to the old way?
No.
And you know what?
We could talk all day long.
We have 12 principles.
We could talk all day long for hours and hours,
(27:01):
but we're going to wrap up today in hopes that if you got something
out of today's session,
we encourage you to share it with another parent who needs some hope today,
who might need some answers today.
Come back tomorrow and listen to our next episode.
We're going to talk about stop managing behavior,
(27:21):
start teaching life skills,
and for free resources,
and success stories,
and others.
We've actually unleashed some live trainings from our paid clients
for a short period of time,
but You can go to creating champions book com and just begin.
Give yourself some hope.
(27:42):
Give yourself a Give your children a chance to heal.
Give your family a chance to become united and empowered.
Creating champions book com We are Bonnie and Thomas Liotta.
And remember,
parenting isn't about perfection; it's about progress.
(28:03):
We'll see you next time.
And until we meet again,
here's to our parenting.
Have you tried everything to get your kids to listen,
but nothing works?
Are you ready for more cooperation and fun?
As a I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of creating champions for life.
And I'm here to let you know there is hope.
We'll show you how.
(28:23):
to inspire your children to become cooperative and happy from the inside out.
Even if they've been diagnosed with a behavior disorder like ADHD or ODD,
join the many parents already living in parenting paradise at learn to speak kid com,
and be the joy-filled,
happy parent you deserve to be.
Welcome to the learn to speak kid podcast where we help parents
transform the most defiant child behavior (00:03):
no mind-altering medication,
no years of therapy,
and no harsh punishment.
And today we're going to be talking about seven years of therapy
versus 90 days of authentic positive change.
We're going to talk about why traditional therapy often drags on and
(00:23):
on with no real change,
why 90 days can be transformative if done intentionally,
and we're going to bridge the gap between short-term wins and
long-term transformative change.
(00:56):
You're listening to learn to speak kid podcast with Bonnie and Thomas Liotta positively.
transforming families one out of control child at a time.
You know,
many families feel stuck in an endless cycle of appointments with
little lasting change,
and I can completely relate with you if that is you.
(01:18):
Because when I first met Thomas here,
my partner,
the brilliance behind creating champions for life,
I was dealing with four kids being diagnosed with different behavior
issues (01:31):
oppositional defiant disorder,
ADHD,
anxiety,
depression.
My house was just constantly full of chaos.
Obviously,
going to endless appointments with the pediatrician,
the therapist,
the counselors,
the teachers,
the principals,
it was just absolutely.
crazy.
And I,
there was no hope; like there was no solution.
(01:52):
It was like everything was just focused on fixing the kid.
But inside my soul,
I knew that we are created in the image of our creator.
And all I could think was,
like,
how could God give me sick kids?
I didn't know how many other millions of parents were dealing with this.
At the time,
I thought it was just me.
I thought I was doing something wrong,
(02:12):
especially after I tried everything.
But my house was still chaotic.
We were still fighting.
There was no real change.
And in fact,
the only solution for my youngest son was to put him in a timeout room at the back,
medicate him,
and just let it ride.
So,
Thomas,
you've worked with thousands of these kids,
which I'm so grateful that you came into my life and you taught me
(02:35):
what we're going to talk about here today.
It was life-changing for me.
It's life-changing for our clients.
But when families come to us and they go,
we've tried everything,
but we're still fighting and nothing works,
what's the first thing that comes to your mind?
Wow,
I got to do heads and tails out of this one.
The first thing that comes to mind is I wonder if anybody asked you,
(02:56):
do you know your role as a parent?
And two,
have you actually given it a go to parent with goal power?
Yeah.
The first time you asked me,
Bonnie,
what is your role as a parent?
I'm like to make my kids happy.
Oh no,
that's not it.
To buy them things?
Oh no,
(03:17):
that's not it.
To protect them from things?
Nothing in my soul felt right about what is my actual role as a
parent (03:25):
here to keep them alive,
dressed,
fed.
What is the role as a parent?
And then,
when I saw my kids would constantly come to you,
going,
can I use your phone to play Angry Birds when they had their own phones,
their own computers,
the Nintendo DS's,
karaoke machines?
I had a Toys R Us in my house,
but they would still go to you and say,
can I play Angry Birds on your phone?
(03:47):
And you would always make it a goal,
like an internal goal.
And what I saw that.
did for my kids is it gave them internal motivation.
It gave them a little spark of life.
And what I realized is that all of this therapy,
medication,
IEPs,
all of this stuff was focused on fixing the kids from the outside in,
(04:12):
focused on symptoms like calming down the symptoms.
Well,
you can give your kid a medication and send them to therapy so that
they can be calmer to sit in the classroom.
But it wasn't actually teaching them life skills.
It wasn't actually giving them a challenge.
It wasn't actually giving them a purpose for being.
(04:32):
There were so many things missing in that therapy plan that I didn't
see until you came into my life So very true.
This would be as part of creating the right environment.
Is the home in reactive mode,
(04:52):
or are we in proactive mode?
Are we just going to get in a car and randomly drive somewhere for a vacation?
Or did we actually have a written plan in place prior before we take action?
When you take action without a proactive plan,
you would be a ship without a rudder.
(05:16):
So when you're off the mark or things are going the way you don't like,
you have really no tools in place to what we call this act,
analyze,
and adjust.
So in the moment,
you can get right back on track,
or otherwise now you're just in panic mode.
Right?
Which is kind of the state.
of parenting today.
(05:36):
We're in panic mode.
We've got,
I don't know,
one out of four kids being diagnosed with ADHD,
two out of ten kids being diagnosed with ODD.
There are so many labels out there.
We could probably cover every single child underneath the sun
because we've been conditioned.
We've been led in the wrong direction.
(05:57):
I think everybody's doing the best they can with what they know.
But when I met Thomas,
I was already a leader in business.
I had trained in leadership already at that time for 18 years.
I had learned about goal power.
Napoleon Hill's six steps to success is you've got to have a goal.
You've got to create a plan.
You've got to decide the price you're willing to pay.
(06:18):
You put it in writing; you read it every day.
But in parenting,
it was constantly correct them in the moment.
Use timeouts and takeaways,
or we bribe.
We end up yelling because that's what my mom did.
And so,
when none of these other parenting strategies worked,
I would end up yelling,
locking myself in my bedroom.
(06:39):
Well,
you know,
if you're listening to this,
you probably understand what I'm getting at.
But when Tom came around and he was talking about being proactive,
and he would sit down with the kids for five minutes,
give them proactive attention,
create a positive plan for them to earn to be able to play Angry Birds on his phone.
(08:00):
Like we've had people come to us,
oh,
my kid's been on meds,
heavily medicated for 10 years.
He's been in and out of jail nine times in the last two years.
Transformed their life in 90 days.
We saw Carlos come with his nine-year-old son,
Charlie,
who had spent a week in a treatment center with no change,
already on medication,
(08:21):
going to join our 90 days and transformed in 90 days.
So what is it that we're doing in the 90-day parenting challenge
that is creating these positive,
transformative moments with these parents?
Kids are off meds,
they're going to school,
they're passing,
they're sitting.
and writing their tests where they couldn't a year before,
(08:42):
even on medication.
Well,
we're following Creating Champions for Life principle number four,
called making the transition.
And this is going from reactive mode to proactive mode.
We're beginning to actually guide their behavior versus punishment.
(09:03):
This is principle number five.
You see,
when you change your approach,
you can create a different outcome.
So if you're doing the same thing again and again and again and
still getting a result that you don't like,
how many of us remember the fly in the glass,
again and again and again and again die at the windowsill when if
(09:24):
All he knew was to go three feet to the left where the window was
open; he would have reached his goal.
So what if it could just be the So if we're coachable and open to
something that you've never seen before?
Just like our kids,
they can't see the world from our perspective.
How could they?
But it's that thought that I've told them a thousand times (09:44):
no way
they would know what it is to drive a buy a house or even have kids.
And it's that thought that's keeping us stuck in a rut.
So when you can change your you're guaranteed to create a better new outcome.
(10:06):
Yeah,
so I wanna talk about bridging the gap between short term wins and long term change.
because,
like today's parenting,
even like gentle parenting,
which is really just authoritative parenting,
right?
You set boundaries,
and you're gentle and kind,
and you talk things through.
Trying to explain to the child how life works.
(10:27):
Well,
I just want you to think,
listener,
mom or dad,
when you wanted to drive a did somebody just talk it through to you
and explain to you how to drive a car?
And then you could get in the car,
and you had all the neural pathways of how to change gears,
look in the mirror,
put your seatbelt on,
shoulder check,
and all these things as you're driving down the Or did you need to
(10:52):
have authentic hands-on experience?
with a trained driver with you who could guide you and direct you in the way to go.
And Tom,
when you first came into my life and I saw you with my kids,
I started seeing them respond better.
I started seeing them get along more.
I started seeing my house become more and more in And I asked you
about it (11:16):
where'd you learn to talk to kids like this?
That's a great question,
Bonnie.
I'd have to answer it this way (11:22):
back in 1994,
when I earned my first black belt,
I knew that a really good class was not getting whacked with a bamboo stick.
I knew that that was not duplicatable to raise kids or students,
and it was at that moment that I took a When I get a chance to teach
(11:47):
and train these students.
I'm going to do the opposite of anything negative to guide my
students to their greatness.
To be honest with you,
Bonnie,
I had really no idea what that would look like,
but I knew in my heart of hearts that I could not tell them something can't,
don't,
won't,
or punish them with something that they would want to avoid.
(12:11):
I took that leap of faith,
and I followed it.
And what it ended up doing is there was this aha moment that clicked:
You guide the behavior versus punish it.
I'll tell you what,
the kids shined.
What I began to see is all these so-called misbehaviors started to disappear.
(12:35):
The parents would come back to me later,
weeks,
months,
or even years.
They would say,
my gosh,
my kid has been able to do more of this; they're an asset in the classroom now.
Their behavior is better at when a child could actually have
somebody that they could go to,
(12:56):
like a trusted advisor,
who could show them the way versus tell them the way.
Oh,
it was literally the difference between heaven and hell.
Was that big difference?
Yeah,
I mean,
we all see you talk with the kids today.
There's nobody like you when it comes to working with kids.
(13:18):
You have a way of seeing the genius in every single child.
You have a way of validating everything they do,
whether it's good,
bad,
or ugly,
or otherwise,
because you're seeing them through an educational lens versus trying to get them to.
And it reminds me of the story that I shared the other day,
(13:40):
and Joy didn't know what I was talking about.
And I was like,
well,
maybe it's a generation gap,
but I'm going to share on Sesame Street when I was a kid.
There was the cloud and the sun,
and they had this big argument about who could get the man down
below to take his coat off faster.
And the wind was like,
I bet you I can huff and puff,
and I can get him to take his coat off before you can get to take his coat off.
(14:02):
You don't have any power.
And so the wind goes first,
and he huffs and he puffs and he blows and blows and tries to force
the man to take his coat off.
But what does the man do when it's cold and windy outside and he's got a coat on?
Tom,
oh my gosh!
He holds on tighter.
He clenches things down and at the short end of the stick he'll
(14:23):
never let anything go.
Right.
So the wind blew and blew until it was totally exhausted,
and he was like,
that man's never going to take his coat off.
I give up.
And then the sun just shone.
And what did the man do?
He took the jacket off.
(14:43):
Yes.
The main reason,
now this is key,
and this is where it clicked,
it's the internal.
Whose idea was it to take the jacket off?
Right,
the wind or the sun,
or was it this?
we'll call them the little genius offspring who's here to just
embrace his own uniqueness.
(15:04):
When it's their idea,
there's no way you could stop him,
no way that the sun or wind could actually make him put it back on.
He made a decision.
He was running on what we call goal power.
And when you can guide that,
then everything falls right into place,
(15:25):
and the common side effects of all these labels and disorders and
whatever else you wanna call them,
they all just go away with really zero to no effort.
I've seen it with my own eyes,
not just with my own kids,
which is when I saw my own kids transform in such a short period of time,
I was like every parent.
(15:47):
in the world needs to know about this.
And some things that you helped me with in the very beginning,
you had mentioned four key characteristics that would make the of
most child behavior disorders fall to the wayside.
And what are the four?
The four basic building blocks that parents should be consciously,
(16:10):
proactively working with their kids on in the very early days.
But I just also wanna say,
like when Rachel brought Clayton,
he was already 14,
almost 15,
and he also transformed in 90 days.
So it's never too late.
But what are those four building blocks?
Number one is self-control (16:26):
I am in control of my body and my versus they are in.
control of my body and my.
Because we can't deny something's in control of our body and our actions.
It's that number one shift.
Well,
that's really,
really powerful because before I met you,
(16:48):
I thought I was in control of all my kids.
And if you're listening to this,
it's like if you could see an olive tree above the ground,
there's this olive tree.
It takes 100 years to mature to start to produce olives.
But underneath the ground are these roots.
(17:08):
And if the roots are planted in infertile soil or the roots start to be choked out,
then the olive tree can't mature and grow and start to.
And so when I went,
I can't control my kids.
They need roots.
They need self-control.
(17:29):
I am in control of my body and my actions.
And that was really when I started to see Zachary and all my kids
become more empowered.
Okay,
so thank you.
They are in control of That's right.
Number two is responsibility.
I am responsible for my actions and my versus they are responsible
(17:57):
for my actions and my belongings.
Because once again,
can we deny that something or somebody has to be responsible for the
actions and the belongings?
And it's that subtle shift that you are responsible; you allow me to
be responsible in direct alignment with being able to be independent
(18:18):
and prepare to leave the This is number Two.
Number three is self-discipline.
Instead of somebody always telling me what to do,
I begin to go,
I know right from wrong.
(18:39):
And it's I do what I'm supposed to do by being asked only once.
It's that internal dialogue that we have that's from can't to can.
And when I can say no,
no,
no,
no,
I gotta do it.
If it is to be,
it's up to me.
I can't expect anybody else to do it.
(19:00):
So,
disciplining of oneself,
this is what independence is all about.
And if we can just take a moment to just play the what-if game.
What if all this so-called misbehavior was wanting them to take that discipline?
Where you cease to exist,
(19:21):
I can do it without your confidence.
They can take on.
any puzzle and know that if I stick with it,
I'll find the solution.
And that releases a dopamine from the inside out of look what I can do all by myself.
(19:42):
It's one of the best highs internally versus externally.
Right?
Versus something's wrong with me and I need to wear a weighted vest
or I special teacher to follow me around class because nobody's ever
consciously worked with me on self-control.
Nobody ever gives me responsibility.
(20:04):
I remember when our nephew came and he was about five or six,
and I was like,
Oh Darian,
look how nicely packed your bag is.
And he went,
I didn't do any of that.
And he was like literally defeated,
right?
He was like I didn't do any of that.
My my mom did it for me.
That was just like a powerful eye opener too.
(20:26):
That's so true.
All right,
number four.
Number four.
This is called focus.
I keep my attention on the task at hand.
You see,
this is a life skill that's actually practiced over time.
But when I can keep my eye on the prize,
we know our kids can already do it because how many times do you
(20:49):
catch them doing something behind your back?
So when we can create that right environment that allows them to go,
if it is to be,
it's up to me,
and I can keep my attention on a task at hand.
This way,
all these distractions,
that something I see or hear or smell or taste or touch.
(21:11):
they're not in control of me anymore and I can block them out.
That's where self-control training comes into play,
which is number one.
And when I can say no,
thank you,
to these other things,
my focus on the task at hand.
Oh,
you've seen it firsthand.
I'm not saying your kids were walking on water,
(21:33):
but your kids were beginning to do things.
It's like,
where has that been my whole life?
Yeah.
Like when we pulled into the driveway and we got out and we went into the house,
and I'm like,
where are my kids?
They're still in the truck.
I'm like,
why?
It's time to come in.
I go out, 'Hey guys,
it's time to come in I dictated,
and then they're like, 'Well,
we can't come in I go Why not?
Well,
we're not done cleaning the truck yet.
(21:54):
And my jaw just kind of fell open.
I was like,
okay,
what did you just do to my kids?
Why are they cleaning my truck?
I didn't even see that again.
They had asked him to play a game on his phone,
and he gave them a goal to put a smile on my face,
and they thought cleaning the truck would be a good idea.
So,
to wrap today up,
all right,
(22:14):
you can go to therapy all you want.
We're not against therapy; we're just not going to expect children
to develop self-control,
responsibility,
self-discipline,
and focus by going to therapy.
In fact,
it can do the opposite because they feel like something's wrong with.
(22:34):
them.
They might like when we first met Tom and Zach goes,
you can't expect the same from me as the other kids because my brain is broken.
Like,
they really internalize something is wrong with them,
especially if we've been medicating them for five,
six,
seven,
eight,
ten years.
Are you with me on this?
All right.
So what you're talking about,
Tom,
it's kind of like constantly putting out fires in the kitchen versus
(22:58):
you teaching the life skill of how hot burners actually work or
practicing a fire escape plan before the fire erupts.
So you can prevent the fire versus always having to put out fires,
always being in crisis mode.
And you're going.
to when we do our 90-day mentorship program with our parents,
(23:21):
we know that it takes 21 days to begin to create a new habit.
It takes 90 days of consistent action to authentically grow new
neural pathways for mom,
for dad,
to look through their lenses as an educational versus behavioral
lens to see your children as little geniuses just looking to navigate the world.
(23:47):
See your little beautiful offspring as your duplication.
You're supposed to duplicate through them.
The faster that they can do things on their own without you,
the faster they're going to grow new neural pathways that say,
if it is to be,
it's up to me.
I think I can,
(24:07):
I think.
I can I think I can just like Thomas the choo choo train.
Right?
And so I want to close with this (24:11):
everything you wish your child to
be and have is a learned skill,
and what you don't use you lose.
So just imagine taking your left arm and putting it in a sling and
(24:32):
tying it to your body and not using it for 90 days to six months.
And then you take your arm out of the sling.
If you've ever had a cast,
you know what I'm talking about.
The muscles begin to dissipate and the arm becomes really weak.
What you don't use you lose.
And so the way we've been taught to raise our kids with constant
(24:53):
correction and lectures and timeouts,
they are not given the opportunity.
to use critical thinking.
They're not given the opportunity to practice self-control or
responsibility or all of these great foundations.
If we don't teach our child how to get our attention,
how are they supposed to know the proper,
(25:16):
uh,
positive way to get our They might throw a plate to get your,
punch a wall to get your attention,
pull your hair to get your attention.
Okay?
Is this all making sense?
(25:36):
Many times parents say that,
well,
my kids,
it's like he doesn't think; he doesn't really do anything unless I'm there telling him.
And so,
great analogy that you just shared,
because asking questions versus dictating is principle number.
(25:56):
eight in our program and what this will do to the life skill called thinking.
If you would like thinking to be that arm that's bound,
tell them what to do 24 hours a day,
seven days a week,
and you'll be absolutely successful.
(26:16):
However,
when you make a shift of asking them a question,
then waiting for them to,
and it rhymes with ink,
you got it.
It's called think.
And the more times you can ask,
they begin to develop that muscle in their brain called thinking.
(26:39):
And that is a game changer,
that if you did that for a 90-day challenge,
well,
Bonnie,
let me ask you.
Well,
the number one comment we get is this has been life-changing for my family.
That's right.
Would you ever go back to the old way?
No.
And you know what?
We could talk all day long.
We have 12 principles.
We could talk all day long for hours and hours,
(27:01):
but we're going to wrap up today in hopes that if you got something
out of today's session,
we encourage you to share it with another parent who needs some hope today,
who might need some answers today.
Come back tomorrow and listen to our next episode.
We're going to talk about stop managing behavior,
(27:21):
start teaching life skills,
and for free resources,
and success stories,
and others.
We've actually unleashed some live trainings from our paid clients
for a short period of time,
but You can go to creating champions book com and just begin.
Give yourself some hope.
(27:42):
Give yourself a Give your children a chance to heal.
Give your family a chance to become united and empowered.
Creating champions book com We are Bonnie and Thomas Liotta.
And remember,
parenting isn't about perfection; it's about progress.
(28:03):
We'll see you next time.
And until we meet again,
here's to our parenting.
Have you tried everything to get your kids to listen,
but nothing works?
Are you ready for more cooperation and fun?
As a I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of creating champions for life.
And I'm here to let you know there is hope.
We'll show you how.
(28:23):
to inspire your children to become cooperative and happy from the inside out.
Even if they've been diagnosed with a behavior disorder like ADHD or ODD,
join the many parents already living in parenting paradise at learn to speak kid com,
and be the joy-filled,
happy parent you deserve to be.
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