July 30, 2025 • 28 mins
Bracing for Takeoff: When Your Son Leaves the Nest
Is your son gearing up to leave for college—or already out the door with a box of ramen and a half-packed first aid kit?
In this episode of the Mothers of Boys Survival Guide, we talk with mom Rebecca Vandall about the emotional ups, downs, and unexpected wins of launching a son into adulthood.
We cover: ✅ How to stay connected without hovering ✅ What to pack (and what sparks dorm friendships!) ✅ Navigating homesickness, independence, and sibling shifts ✅ Real-life strategies like “Proof of Life Money” and care package parties ✅ Reclaiming time for yourself and rediscovering your identity post-launch
Whether your son is weeks from move-in day or you're just beginning to imagine it, this conversation is full of relatable stories, expert insights, and laugh-out-loud moments.
🎙 Listen now on your favorite podcast platform 📘 Grab the book: Mothers of Boys Survival Guide 🌐 Join the community: MothersOfBoys.life
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bracing for Takeoff (00:00):
When Your Son Leaves the Nest
Welcome to the Mother's a Boy Survival Guide, the podcast for moms who are deep
in the trenches and trying to raise good men without losing their minds. I'm Suzy Shaw.
And I'm Cheryl Bohn, and today we're diving into a milestone that hits hard and fast,
(00:24):
launching your 18 year old son into the world. Whether he's heading off to college or joining
the military, taking a gap year, figuring it out, one late night snack at a time,
this transition is a big one for him and for you. We're going to share stories,
tips and a few tearful moments because moms of boys know that launching isn't just about
(00:46):
letting go, it's about hanging on to the relationship as everything else changes.
Joining us today is Rebecca Vandall, a mom who's juggling “two man cubs,” those large teenage boys,
a career and a household. Her oldest son is getting ready to head off to college,
so we're going to focus on more of the college launch
(01:10):
today. And she's got questions and is wondering what's around the corner.
So grab a coffee and join us as we tackle one of the biggest moments in motherhood, the launch.
Welcome, Rebecca.
Hi, Rebecca.Hi, Suzy and
Cheryl. Thank you so much for letting me join your conversation as a mom who is fresh off
(01:33):
the emotional roller coaster of launching my firstborn into the world as an adult.
I'm not sure you're off the roller coaster.
Yeah, my kids are even older and it's still a
roller coaster. I have four. I have three girls and one boy.
And I have two boys like you who are now fully adulting. So we're here for you,
(01:57):
Rebecca. And congratulations on making it to this significant milestone.
Thank you. Thanks, Suzy. Thanks so much.
It is a huge milestone and accomplishment to raise a kid to the age of 18.
You know, I call that first stage zero to three,
“The Death Wish Stage,” because they seem to have a death wish and are always, you know,
(02:19):
falling and everything else. And then the second death wish stage is teenagers.
So bravo. 18 is a big accomplishment. And so how are you feeling about that?
So to tell you the truth, after a few weeks of being in complete shock that this time has
finally come and it was a complete shock, I actually feel fantastic. And I want to
(02:43):
share a quick story to offer some words of encouragement to moms who are in the trenches
of raising the younger kids or the teenagers, because no doubt those are crazy, crazy years.
But when my son was around four months old, I had a doctor's appointment that I had to go to
for myself. And I went, my husband and I went into the doctor's appointment. And I had my son
(03:05):
strapped to me in the BabyBjörn. And this was a new doctor. And I walked into the doctor's office
with my son staring at him. The doctor took one look at at my son and said, “Having a
baby is like having a house fall on you.” And I thought that is exactly what it feels like.
(03:30):
And then when he graduated this summer from high school, I remembered that story and felt like the
house has been lifted off me. So for all the young moms out there, I just want to say the
time goes extremely fast and you will crawl out from underneath that house before you know it.
Yeah, it does go so fast. I had- four of my kids, you know, left high school and went to
(03:55):
college. And something I wish I would have done that I didn't was keep a short little
journal throughout their childhood. And, you know, they've asked me a lot of things about
their childhood. And I can't remember because it was such a hectic time. So that's one piece of
advice if you know that I would say to moms out there that have younger kids right now.
(04:21):
Yes, and I actually did keep a journal for both of my boys when they were-
when they were first born and I gave it to my son as a graduation gift.
Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah, I love that idea.
Yeah. Well, so the trick is now, you know, when he was born 18 years ago,
(04:42):
I didn't know that they wouldn't teach kids how to write in cursive at that point in time.
And they haven't taught the kids that and so he can't and I can't read it.
There's probably an app for that, to translate cursive…
We didn’t have apps back then either. But he kind of laughs about it and said that he has
(05:06):
read some of it and thinks it's nice. So, that is a wonderful, wonderful tip, Cheryl.
The other piece of advice I would give to parents with a child launching and going off to
college is it's such an unlimited atmosphere for learning and meeting new people. And I would say,
(05:30):
really try to encourage your college-approaching son to check out all the different clubs and try
to meet a lot of different people because it is just an opportunity to find yourself, really.
(05:50):
So I found the communication prior to moving in between the roommates was limited. I mean,
really limited as, as opposed to probably girls. And Cheryl, you can tell us about that.
What I can tell you is that my son did not coordinate colors with his roommate. The girls,
(06:10):
they had everything. All right, what colors are we picking? What colors are
your comforter? Everything needed to match, for the most part, with most of my girls.
So one of the other things that I put together was a first aid kit - for both boys,
and I went to I think it was Target, and I just had a little, you know,
(06:34):
first aid sort of thing. And then I filled it with a thermometer and
bandages and band aids and Advil and Tylenol and all those sort of basic first aid things.
And one of the funny things that my son recently told me was that was one of the big icebreakers
(06:56):
for him meeting people in his dorm and on his floor, because everybody knew he had
this first aid kit. So when they had a headache or needed a band aid, they would come and bang on
his door and introduce them themselves to him and say, Hey, I hear you got a first aid kit.
He’ll be very popular. And my husband just realized the other day, oh,
(07:20):
we should probably put the thermometer in there. Because the kids, right for the last 18 years,
they were sick all the time, right, and getting everybody sick in the house. So yeah, good idea.
Something else that's related to that is I realized that
my kids weren't used to making their own doctor's appointments or anything. I mean,
(07:41):
we always did that for them in high school. So I think you want to make sure that your kids
have their general practitioner's phone number in their phone. And I mean, it sounds basic,
but my kids didn't and I didn't think of it initially. And whatever relevant doctor because
they need to start learning to do that on their own. And I found that I was doing that for them.
(08:06):
So what other things are you thinking about? And how can we help Rebecca?
So ever since my son was born, our relationship has been constantly evolving and growing,
as both he and I evolve and grow. And now that he's leaving home for college, I think it is
essential for us to give him the space that he needs to follow his dreams and make them reality.
(08:30):
And we're also connected through technology. It's easier than ever to stay connected. The trick is
figuring out how to stay connected and supportive without being overbearing. So how do I do that?
I didn't stay too connected with them. I didn't reach out that often. I was under the impression
(08:53):
that when I didn't hear from him/them, things were good. And that was generally the case.
And then I would just reach out just once in a while, thinking of you, how are things going?
Love you. But other other than that, I kind of let them just have their space. And then obviously,
(09:15):
all of them go through difficult times as well. And that's when the phone would ring. And that's
when I'd hear from them more. So I would always try to pick up the phone no matter what I was
doing when they were away at college.I found it very different for both boys.
And I wrote a book (Mothers of Boys Survival Guide), I have some of these tips in the book,
I call the boys Earnest and Exuberance. My oldest boy was Earnest. And he was just a
(09:43):
little bit shyer and quieter. And it was a much more emotional launch for him and for us. And he
called pretty regularly and talked to both my husband and myself. And we were careful to not
make him think he was missing too much, so that it would make him homesick. He was already kind of
(10:07):
homesick. And, he wasn't socially aggressive. So, you know, that was stressful for him.
You know, they're that first semester, I think is the trickiest, where they're
really just getting their sea legs. And he was about 4-hours away from where we lived. And so,
(10:32):
you know, our goal was to try to keep him there and let him become comfortable in
this new environment. So we didn't encourage him to come home. We didn't go pick him up.
But we did go and see him. We went to the Parents Day. There were times when he was not, you know,
(10:56):
he was homesick. And so, you know, my husband went to see him on his own, or I went to see
him on my own so that we could still keep track of Exuberance, who was the younger, younger boy.
And he was totally different. I mean, talk about cutting the umbilical cord. I don't know if your
(11:18):
son's doing that. But I mean, he took out the cleavers like. So, we were just about high fiving
when we dropped him off at school. And then he didn't check in. I mean, he just, you know, was
(11:38):
on his own and was not interested in communicating whatsoever. And that was not acceptable either.
I mean, he did have to communicate on a somewhat regular basis. I mean, once a week, you know,
we would like to hear from him. And so because he was only checking in when he needed money,
(11:59):
I finally negotiated really with him. And I called it Proof of Life Money (POL$ in text). So this is
what you have to prove you have to have a conversation with me. And then I will,
you know, we will send you money we negotiated about this as your weekly sort of allowance. But
(12:22):
I'm not going to give it to you. If you're just texting me and asking me for money or a check
in isn't a text. And if I call you, that's not a check in either. You have to call me.
And one of the ground rules was that there were three parts to the conversation.
So he had to tell me the best thing that happened to him all week,
(12:45):
the worst thing that happened to him all week.
And this is the really important one. He had to ask me how I was doing.
Right? And they're so into themselves and introspective,
that it really moved our relationship into a much more adult relationship,
(13:06):
and where we could have real, you know, conversations, it wasn't aggressive,
it was much more friendly. And that only lasted about a semester or two. And then the next year,
he got a job on campus. And that was the end of me having to pay him to talk to me.
But Suzy, that's great advice for the dinner table, even right now,
(13:29):
for communicating with your kids, right? Like those questions,
and you can have a conversation during dinner instead of just sitting there and
with them stuck on their phones wanting to leave as soon as they put their fork down.
Right, right. And, last week, we shared a podcast with a mom of 7, and she talks about some of these
(13:50):
dinner table, you know, conversations and rules that they had even, even during sports, because,
you know, when they get older, everybody gets into sports. And, and one of the things that I love
that she talks about is that, even if they weren't having dinner, at the end of the night, they'd
have dessert. They would just have a shorter version of sitting around the table, they'd have
(14:15):
dessert or fruit or something, so that they could look in each other's faces at least once a day.
So Cheryl, did, did your, were, were your kids homesick? Did you have any
of that going on too, or, or sort of difficult launching moments?
I think, I think definitely the kids who went to a college further away did
(14:39):
feel more homesick. I think knowing that you can't just get home easily,
sort of was a little bit more emotional. Whereas my, two of them went far away, two of them were
within an hour from our house. So I think that that was, had something to do with it.
(15:02):
And then we would always make sure that they knew we had a planned trip. So just
sort of coaching them through those difficult times. And like you, Suzy,
I do remember toning down anything like super fun we were doing at home so that
they didn't have the fear of missing out on really special times, you know.
(15:27):
What else, Rebecca, huh?So, okay, so I recently asked
my younger son if he was going to miss his older brother when he goes off to college.
And his reply was, “I'm looking forward to seeing what it's like to being an only child.”
(15:47):
That's so true. That's, for my kids, when my son went away and left just my daughter at home, she
really missed him a lot. She was, she didn't like how quiet the house was. There wasn't anybody to,
you know, it felt so different. But then again, she also did like the attention and
(16:10):
how much time we had with her. So that was very special for that sibling left behind, I think.
And my younger son, Exuberance, had the same exact reaction. And he thought he was very excited to be
an only child. And then he realized that we had just moved from man to man coverage. Now he had-
(16:37):
you know, two parents, two kids. Now he had two parents just focused on him. And so there was a
plus and minus, right, to that attention. It was a love-hate, I think, relationship because we
were a little bit more attentive to him.So I would say, you know, personally,
(16:58):
one of the big changes that happened for me was now that I was down to having to parent one child
in person instead of two, that I was able to focus a little bit more on my career and my business and
(17:19):
doing things for myself. And, and that was huge to be able to take that, that period of time
that you get back a little bit for yourself.One thing that you will see a change in is how
much your child appreciates home after they're away for the first semester. And they come home
(17:45):
and their room’s all cleaned up and they have a really clean bathroom. And it's not something
that they, it's just something, you know, that naturally took for granted when they
grew up in this home. But I really saw a change in appreciation for being home and having meals,
good meals cooked. And so that that was a real positive, a real nice thing.
(18:09):
It's like they go away and you're stupid. And they come back and you're,
your intelligence has increased significantly during that period.
My son has a pretty clear plan for what he wants to study in school and what he wants
(18:30):
to do with his life and the type of job he wants, all that kind of stuff. And recently he
went off all on his own and he got a part time job through his college. So when he goes to college,
he's also going to have a part time job. So I'm very happy that he has a clear vision
and a drive. But my concern is that he is taking on more than he has time for, and he's going to
become overwhelmed pretty quickly. So do you have any suggestions on how to handle that?
(18:56):
Yeah, I, I definitely would say, you know, that that is a concern because they're, they're now
managing their own schedule. And sometimes when you have someone who's an overachiever, you
feel like you have to pull them back in because you don't want them getting sick and run down.
(19:16):
Yep, totally, totally agree. And, I will also say it depends so much on the child. You know, Ernest
couldn't have handled that extra pressure. He has/had ADHD. And so just, you know,
focusing on the amount of his current schedule was a lot for him. And Exuberance did better
(19:45):
with a job because it kept him on a schedule and he was busier and having more activities
and more structured schedules was better for his personality. And it helped keep him on track.
I will say that failing is going to happen. And that is a bit just part of life. And so, you know,
(20:13):
encouraging resilience and, and them to to bring themself up and get over the failure is a,
is a big thing. And there were plenty of times when my husband and I weren't the
people to get through to him, to either one of the boys. And so we would reach out to
(20:38):
other people to check in on them. Grandparents and aunt and uncle, older cousin, you know,
maybe the brother. And we'd just sort of tee it up and ask them to connect. And that was a really,
really helpful strategy. I still do that. Shh, don't tell anybody.
(21:03):
So, and then there were, there were times that, you know, they needed something more,
mental health counseling, you know, there, you know, somebody might have passed away or there
might've been something very traumatic going on. And there are so many resources on campus
that it was important to encourage them to go advocate for themself, you know, get a tutor,
(21:30):
help with the course that they were having a hard time with, mental health counseling,
guidance counselors. And, occasionally we would, we would line somebody up remotely if,
if those solutions didn't work out on campus. But that's the, you know,
that's part of their resources right there. They need to take advantage of it.
(21:53):
Well, and it is true that they have so many resources now. They have way more resources.
You know, we did when we were leaving the home and going to college or going off to
our first job. And, this just reminded me, my younger son who plays football,
came home the other day and said, “okay,, this year I'm going to take yoga classes.”
(22:16):
I've never ever thought he would say that. So I said, great, we'll find some.
So, yeah, which is all into wellness and the whole being and all that kind of stuff.
So, you know, I do have a tip for after your son's gone off to college and, um, and we did this and
(22:38):
this was really important for my husband and I, and it was appreciated, you know, by the kids.
So I invited the parents over who I knew had sent them,
their kids off and their spouses came too. And I made a pot of something- I don't know,
(22:59):
soup, chili, whatever, doesn't really matter. And we had a Care Package Party.
So the way it works is, uh, if you have six care packages that you're making, then you
instruct everybody who's coming to bring six of one item to go into the care package. And it
(23:23):
could be homemade cookies, it could be ramen, it could be, you know, candy, it could be Play-Doh,
you know, whatever it is, fun, fun stuff, but everybody brings six of one thing.
And then I went to the post office and I picked up some medium priority mailboxes and we all
packed up the care packages and, and we took a group picture and I printed the picture and
(23:48):
we had a little message of encouragement. Everybody sort of wrote fun messages and,
you know, “do great things.” And we sent it off to the kids and the kids reacted so positively,
not only about the, the silly stuff and the stuff in the package, but just that,
you know, here's this group of people bigger than just their parents,
(24:11):
right? That really cares about their success. And so I want to encourage you to do that.
That's a great idea, Suzy. That is an awesome, awesome idea.
Yeah, it is fun. It's very fun. The last note that I have is that because your, um, your child is
(24:32):
now 18, they're a legal adult and you should get them to sign a Healthcare Power of Attorney before
they hit the road in case anything happens. It's one of those things you don't think of.
I believe that we are, his pediatrician had all those forms. So when we went in,
(24:53):
we were able to get all that done through the doctor's office.
Oh, good man. Yeah. Or woman, whoever. Good doc, right?
So at the end of each podcast, we typically ask our guest to give a quote, you know,
(25:13):
or a mantra or something that, you know, helps them get through this period.
This period is going to be new for you. So I thought this time
we'd shake it up a little bit and each one of us would give a little quote.
One of my favorite quotes, just to get the ball rolling. Cause I gave each boy, “Oh,
the Places You’ll Go!” by Dr. Seuss, love, love, love that book. And one of the quotes in there is:
(25:40):
“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes and you can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you'll know, and you'll be the one who'll decide where to go.”
Yep. That's great. Well, I don't know if I can top Dr. Seuss, Suzy, but I do have a final tip for
(26:03):
moms that are launching their kids into adulthood. And that is to focus on the positive aspects. So
as you can imagine the week of my son's high school graduation, I was highly emotional to
put it lightly, and I kept reminding myself to just stay steady in the boat and focus on, on the
positives, such as how proud I am of him and how excited I am for him. Also, uh, now I have more
(26:29):
time to go and do the things that I enjoy to do.So, uh, my husband and I have always liked to go
to concerts and I recently went to a concert on a Sunday night. I went to a concert on a Sunday
night. Um, so this is just part of our motherhood journey and this is actually the good part. I
(26:49):
think. It's what we have been working towards from day one from when our kids are born. So,
um, I just hope that we should, you know, all have time to sit back and celebrate,
um, having time for ourselves.Yeah, that's, that's wonderful.
It is an emotional time. It's a big step. So that's great advice. Well, I, I always keep
(27:13):
a bunch of quotes in my phone whenever I see something and then I have them handy to send
to my kids when they might need it or when I just randomly am reaching out with something
I think would be helpful. And I did, when I was looking over them, I did see one that I thought,
um, was relevant for somebody who was launching and, and leaving, leaving your home. And it was
(27:38):
“Advice from a Tree,” which says, “stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots,
drink plenty of water, be content with your natural beauty and enjoy the view.”
And I think all of those things are relevant to being off on your own and away from home.
(27:59):
Totally, totally agree. Thank you, Rebecca, for joining us today and to all the moms, the mothers
of boys, the MOB who are in this launch stage, just keep telling yourself, “I've got this.”
Well, thank you, Suzy and Cheryl. It was fun to be with you today.
(28:21):
Yeah. Wishing you and your, your family and your son all the best.
And thank you all for joining us today. Follow the MOB on Facebook, Instagram,
YouTube, and your favorite podcast platform. Be kind to yourselves, moms, and have a great week.
When Your Son Leaves the Nest
Welcome to the Mother's a Boy Survival Guide, the podcast for moms who are deep
in the trenches and trying to raise good men without losing their minds. I'm Suzy Shaw.
And I'm Cheryl Bohn, and today we're diving into a milestone that hits hard and fast,
(00:24):
launching your 18 year old son into the world. Whether he's heading off to college or joining
the military, taking a gap year, figuring it out, one late night snack at a time,
this transition is a big one for him and for you. We're going to share stories,
tips and a few tearful moments because moms of boys know that launching isn't just about
(00:46):
letting go, it's about hanging on to the relationship as everything else changes.
Joining us today is Rebecca Vandall, a mom who's juggling “two man cubs,” those large teenage boys,
a career and a household. Her oldest son is getting ready to head off to college,
so we're going to focus on more of the college launch
(01:10):
today. And she's got questions and is wondering what's around the corner.
So grab a coffee and join us as we tackle one of the biggest moments in motherhood, the launch.
Welcome, Rebecca.
Hi, Rebecca.Hi, Suzy and
Cheryl. Thank you so much for letting me join your conversation as a mom who is fresh off
(01:33):
the emotional roller coaster of launching my firstborn into the world as an adult.
I'm not sure you're off the roller coaster.
Yeah, my kids are even older and it's still a
roller coaster. I have four. I have three girls and one boy.
And I have two boys like you who are now fully adulting. So we're here for you,
(01:57):
Rebecca. And congratulations on making it to this significant milestone.
Thank you. Thanks, Suzy. Thanks so much.
It is a huge milestone and accomplishment to raise a kid to the age of 18.
You know, I call that first stage zero to three,
“The Death Wish Stage,” because they seem to have a death wish and are always, you know,
(02:19):
falling and everything else. And then the second death wish stage is teenagers.
So bravo. 18 is a big accomplishment. And so how are you feeling about that?
So to tell you the truth, after a few weeks of being in complete shock that this time has
finally come and it was a complete shock, I actually feel fantastic. And I want to
(02:43):
share a quick story to offer some words of encouragement to moms who are in the trenches
of raising the younger kids or the teenagers, because no doubt those are crazy, crazy years.
But when my son was around four months old, I had a doctor's appointment that I had to go to
for myself. And I went, my husband and I went into the doctor's appointment. And I had my son
(03:05):
strapped to me in the BabyBjörn. And this was a new doctor. And I walked into the doctor's office
with my son staring at him. The doctor took one look at at my son and said, “Having a
baby is like having a house fall on you.” And I thought that is exactly what it feels like.
(03:30):
And then when he graduated this summer from high school, I remembered that story and felt like the
house has been lifted off me. So for all the young moms out there, I just want to say the
time goes extremely fast and you will crawl out from underneath that house before you know it.
Yeah, it does go so fast. I had- four of my kids, you know, left high school and went to
(03:55):
college. And something I wish I would have done that I didn't was keep a short little
journal throughout their childhood. And, you know, they've asked me a lot of things about
their childhood. And I can't remember because it was such a hectic time. So that's one piece of
advice if you know that I would say to moms out there that have younger kids right now.
(04:21):
Yes, and I actually did keep a journal for both of my boys when they were-
when they were first born and I gave it to my son as a graduation gift.
Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah, I love that idea.
Yeah. Well, so the trick is now, you know, when he was born 18 years ago,
(04:42):
I didn't know that they wouldn't teach kids how to write in cursive at that point in time.
And they haven't taught the kids that and so he can't and I can't read it.
There's probably an app for that, to translate cursive…
We didn’t have apps back then either. But he kind of laughs about it and said that he has
(05:06):
read some of it and thinks it's nice. So, that is a wonderful, wonderful tip, Cheryl.
The other piece of advice I would give to parents with a child launching and going off to
college is it's such an unlimited atmosphere for learning and meeting new people. And I would say,
(05:30):
really try to encourage your college-approaching son to check out all the different clubs and try
to meet a lot of different people because it is just an opportunity to find yourself, really.
(05:50):
So I found the communication prior to moving in between the roommates was limited. I mean,
really limited as, as opposed to probably girls. And Cheryl, you can tell us about that.
What I can tell you is that my son did not coordinate colors with his roommate. The girls,
(06:10):
they had everything. All right, what colors are we picking? What colors are
your comforter? Everything needed to match, for the most part, with most of my girls.
So one of the other things that I put together was a first aid kit - for both boys,
and I went to I think it was Target, and I just had a little, you know,
(06:34):
first aid sort of thing. And then I filled it with a thermometer and
bandages and band aids and Advil and Tylenol and all those sort of basic first aid things.
And one of the funny things that my son recently told me was that was one of the big icebreakers
(06:56):
for him meeting people in his dorm and on his floor, because everybody knew he had
this first aid kit. So when they had a headache or needed a band aid, they would come and bang on
his door and introduce them themselves to him and say, Hey, I hear you got a first aid kit.
He’ll be very popular. And my husband just realized the other day, oh,
(07:20):
we should probably put the thermometer in there. Because the kids, right for the last 18 years,
they were sick all the time, right, and getting everybody sick in the house. So yeah, good idea.
Something else that's related to that is I realized that
my kids weren't used to making their own doctor's appointments or anything. I mean,
(07:41):
we always did that for them in high school. So I think you want to make sure that your kids
have their general practitioner's phone number in their phone. And I mean, it sounds basic,
but my kids didn't and I didn't think of it initially. And whatever relevant doctor because
they need to start learning to do that on their own. And I found that I was doing that for them.
(08:06):
So what other things are you thinking about? And how can we help Rebecca?
So ever since my son was born, our relationship has been constantly evolving and growing,
as both he and I evolve and grow. And now that he's leaving home for college, I think it is
essential for us to give him the space that he needs to follow his dreams and make them reality.
(08:30):
And we're also connected through technology. It's easier than ever to stay connected. The trick is
figuring out how to stay connected and supportive without being overbearing. So how do I do that?
I didn't stay too connected with them. I didn't reach out that often. I was under the impression
(08:53):
that when I didn't hear from him/them, things were good. And that was generally the case.
And then I would just reach out just once in a while, thinking of you, how are things going?
Love you. But other other than that, I kind of let them just have their space. And then obviously,
(09:15):
all of them go through difficult times as well. And that's when the phone would ring. And that's
when I'd hear from them more. So I would always try to pick up the phone no matter what I was
doing when they were away at college.I found it very different for both boys.
And I wrote a book (Mothers of Boys Survival Guide), I have some of these tips in the book,
I call the boys Earnest and Exuberance. My oldest boy was Earnest. And he was just a
(09:43):
little bit shyer and quieter. And it was a much more emotional launch for him and for us. And he
called pretty regularly and talked to both my husband and myself. And we were careful to not
make him think he was missing too much, so that it would make him homesick. He was already kind of
(10:07):
homesick. And, he wasn't socially aggressive. So, you know, that was stressful for him.
You know, they're that first semester, I think is the trickiest, where they're
really just getting their sea legs. And he was about 4-hours away from where we lived. And so,
(10:32):
you know, our goal was to try to keep him there and let him become comfortable in
this new environment. So we didn't encourage him to come home. We didn't go pick him up.
But we did go and see him. We went to the Parents Day. There were times when he was not, you know,
(10:56):
he was homesick. And so, you know, my husband went to see him on his own, or I went to see
him on my own so that we could still keep track of Exuberance, who was the younger, younger boy.
And he was totally different. I mean, talk about cutting the umbilical cord. I don't know if your
(11:18):
son's doing that. But I mean, he took out the cleavers like. So, we were just about high fiving
when we dropped him off at school. And then he didn't check in. I mean, he just, you know, was
(11:38):
on his own and was not interested in communicating whatsoever. And that was not acceptable either.
I mean, he did have to communicate on a somewhat regular basis. I mean, once a week, you know,
we would like to hear from him. And so because he was only checking in when he needed money,
(11:59):
I finally negotiated really with him. And I called it Proof of Life Money (POL$ in text). So this is
what you have to prove you have to have a conversation with me. And then I will,
you know, we will send you money we negotiated about this as your weekly sort of allowance. But
(12:22):
I'm not going to give it to you. If you're just texting me and asking me for money or a check
in isn't a text. And if I call you, that's not a check in either. You have to call me.
And one of the ground rules was that there were three parts to the conversation.
So he had to tell me the best thing that happened to him all week,
(12:45):
the worst thing that happened to him all week.
And this is the really important one. He had to ask me how I was doing.
Right? And they're so into themselves and introspective,
that it really moved our relationship into a much more adult relationship,
(13:06):
and where we could have real, you know, conversations, it wasn't aggressive,
it was much more friendly. And that only lasted about a semester or two. And then the next year,
he got a job on campus. And that was the end of me having to pay him to talk to me.
But Suzy, that's great advice for the dinner table, even right now,
(13:29):
for communicating with your kids, right? Like those questions,
and you can have a conversation during dinner instead of just sitting there and
with them stuck on their phones wanting to leave as soon as they put their fork down.
Right, right. And, last week, we shared a podcast with a mom of 7, and she talks about some of these
(13:50):
dinner table, you know, conversations and rules that they had even, even during sports, because,
you know, when they get older, everybody gets into sports. And, and one of the things that I love
that she talks about is that, even if they weren't having dinner, at the end of the night, they'd
have dessert. They would just have a shorter version of sitting around the table, they'd have
(14:15):
dessert or fruit or something, so that they could look in each other's faces at least once a day.
So Cheryl, did, did your, were, were your kids homesick? Did you have any
of that going on too, or, or sort of difficult launching moments?
I think, I think definitely the kids who went to a college further away did
(14:39):
feel more homesick. I think knowing that you can't just get home easily,
sort of was a little bit more emotional. Whereas my, two of them went far away, two of them were
within an hour from our house. So I think that that was, had something to do with it.
(15:02):
And then we would always make sure that they knew we had a planned trip. So just
sort of coaching them through those difficult times. And like you, Suzy,
I do remember toning down anything like super fun we were doing at home so that
they didn't have the fear of missing out on really special times, you know.
(15:27):
What else, Rebecca, huh?So, okay, so I recently asked
my younger son if he was going to miss his older brother when he goes off to college.
And his reply was, “I'm looking forward to seeing what it's like to being an only child.”
(15:47):
That's so true. That's, for my kids, when my son went away and left just my daughter at home, she
really missed him a lot. She was, she didn't like how quiet the house was. There wasn't anybody to,
you know, it felt so different. But then again, she also did like the attention and
(16:10):
how much time we had with her. So that was very special for that sibling left behind, I think.
And my younger son, Exuberance, had the same exact reaction. And he thought he was very excited to be
an only child. And then he realized that we had just moved from man to man coverage. Now he had-
(16:37):
you know, two parents, two kids. Now he had two parents just focused on him. And so there was a
plus and minus, right, to that attention. It was a love-hate, I think, relationship because we
were a little bit more attentive to him.So I would say, you know, personally,
(16:58):
one of the big changes that happened for me was now that I was down to having to parent one child
in person instead of two, that I was able to focus a little bit more on my career and my business and
(17:19):
doing things for myself. And, and that was huge to be able to take that, that period of time
that you get back a little bit for yourself.One thing that you will see a change in is how
much your child appreciates home after they're away for the first semester. And they come home
(17:45):
and their room’s all cleaned up and they have a really clean bathroom. And it's not something
that they, it's just something, you know, that naturally took for granted when they
grew up in this home. But I really saw a change in appreciation for being home and having meals,
good meals cooked. And so that that was a real positive, a real nice thing.
(18:09):
It's like they go away and you're stupid. And they come back and you're,
your intelligence has increased significantly during that period.
My son has a pretty clear plan for what he wants to study in school and what he wants
(18:30):
to do with his life and the type of job he wants, all that kind of stuff. And recently he
went off all on his own and he got a part time job through his college. So when he goes to college,
he's also going to have a part time job. So I'm very happy that he has a clear vision
and a drive. But my concern is that he is taking on more than he has time for, and he's going to
become overwhelmed pretty quickly. So do you have any suggestions on how to handle that?
(18:56):
Yeah, I, I definitely would say, you know, that that is a concern because they're, they're now
managing their own schedule. And sometimes when you have someone who's an overachiever, you
feel like you have to pull them back in because you don't want them getting sick and run down.
(19:16):
Yep, totally, totally agree. And, I will also say it depends so much on the child. You know, Ernest
couldn't have handled that extra pressure. He has/had ADHD. And so just, you know,
focusing on the amount of his current schedule was a lot for him. And Exuberance did better
(19:45):
with a job because it kept him on a schedule and he was busier and having more activities
and more structured schedules was better for his personality. And it helped keep him on track.
I will say that failing is going to happen. And that is a bit just part of life. And so, you know,
(20:13):
encouraging resilience and, and them to to bring themself up and get over the failure is a,
is a big thing. And there were plenty of times when my husband and I weren't the
people to get through to him, to either one of the boys. And so we would reach out to
(20:38):
other people to check in on them. Grandparents and aunt and uncle, older cousin, you know,
maybe the brother. And we'd just sort of tee it up and ask them to connect. And that was a really,
really helpful strategy. I still do that. Shh, don't tell anybody.
(21:03):
So, and then there were, there were times that, you know, they needed something more,
mental health counseling, you know, there, you know, somebody might have passed away or there
might've been something very traumatic going on. And there are so many resources on campus
that it was important to encourage them to go advocate for themself, you know, get a tutor,
(21:30):
help with the course that they were having a hard time with, mental health counseling,
guidance counselors. And, occasionally we would, we would line somebody up remotely if,
if those solutions didn't work out on campus. But that's the, you know,
that's part of their resources right there. They need to take advantage of it.
(21:53):
Well, and it is true that they have so many resources now. They have way more resources.
You know, we did when we were leaving the home and going to college or going off to
our first job. And, this just reminded me, my younger son who plays football,
came home the other day and said, “okay,, this year I'm going to take yoga classes.”
(22:16):
I've never ever thought he would say that. So I said, great, we'll find some.
So, yeah, which is all into wellness and the whole being and all that kind of stuff.
So, you know, I do have a tip for after your son's gone off to college and, um, and we did this and
(22:38):
this was really important for my husband and I, and it was appreciated, you know, by the kids.
So I invited the parents over who I knew had sent them,
their kids off and their spouses came too. And I made a pot of something- I don't know,
(22:59):
soup, chili, whatever, doesn't really matter. And we had a Care Package Party.
So the way it works is, uh, if you have six care packages that you're making, then you
instruct everybody who's coming to bring six of one item to go into the care package. And it
(23:23):
could be homemade cookies, it could be ramen, it could be, you know, candy, it could be Play-Doh,
you know, whatever it is, fun, fun stuff, but everybody brings six of one thing.
And then I went to the post office and I picked up some medium priority mailboxes and we all
packed up the care packages and, and we took a group picture and I printed the picture and
(23:48):
we had a little message of encouragement. Everybody sort of wrote fun messages and,
you know, “do great things.” And we sent it off to the kids and the kids reacted so positively,
not only about the, the silly stuff and the stuff in the package, but just that,
you know, here's this group of people bigger than just their parents,
(24:11):
right? That really cares about their success. And so I want to encourage you to do that.
That's a great idea, Suzy. That is an awesome, awesome idea.
Yeah, it is fun. It's very fun. The last note that I have is that because your, um, your child is
(24:32):
now 18, they're a legal adult and you should get them to sign a Healthcare Power of Attorney before
they hit the road in case anything happens. It's one of those things you don't think of.
I believe that we are, his pediatrician had all those forms. So when we went in,
(24:53):
we were able to get all that done through the doctor's office.
Oh, good man. Yeah. Or woman, whoever. Good doc, right?
So at the end of each podcast, we typically ask our guest to give a quote, you know,
(25:13):
or a mantra or something that, you know, helps them get through this period.
This period is going to be new for you. So I thought this time
we'd shake it up a little bit and each one of us would give a little quote.
One of my favorite quotes, just to get the ball rolling. Cause I gave each boy, “Oh,
the Places You’ll Go!” by Dr. Seuss, love, love, love that book. And one of the quotes in there is:
(25:40):
“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes and you can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you'll know, and you'll be the one who'll decide where to go.”
Yep. That's great. Well, I don't know if I can top Dr. Seuss, Suzy, but I do have a final tip for
(26:03):
moms that are launching their kids into adulthood. And that is to focus on the positive aspects. So
as you can imagine the week of my son's high school graduation, I was highly emotional to
put it lightly, and I kept reminding myself to just stay steady in the boat and focus on, on the
positives, such as how proud I am of him and how excited I am for him. Also, uh, now I have more
(26:29):
time to go and do the things that I enjoy to do.So, uh, my husband and I have always liked to go
to concerts and I recently went to a concert on a Sunday night. I went to a concert on a Sunday
night. Um, so this is just part of our motherhood journey and this is actually the good part. I
(26:49):
think. It's what we have been working towards from day one from when our kids are born. So,
um, I just hope that we should, you know, all have time to sit back and celebrate,
um, having time for ourselves.Yeah, that's, that's wonderful.
It is an emotional time. It's a big step. So that's great advice. Well, I, I always keep
(27:13):
a bunch of quotes in my phone whenever I see something and then I have them handy to send
to my kids when they might need it or when I just randomly am reaching out with something
I think would be helpful. And I did, when I was looking over them, I did see one that I thought,
um, was relevant for somebody who was launching and, and leaving, leaving your home. And it was
(27:38):
“Advice from a Tree,” which says, “stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots,
drink plenty of water, be content with your natural beauty and enjoy the view.”
And I think all of those things are relevant to being off on your own and away from home.
(27:59):
Totally, totally agree. Thank you, Rebecca, for joining us today and to all the moms, the mothers
of boys, the MOB who are in this launch stage, just keep telling yourself, “I've got this.”
Well, thank you, Suzy and Cheryl. It was fun to be with you today.
(28:21):
Yeah. Wishing you and your, your family and your son all the best.
And thank you all for joining us today. Follow the MOB on Facebook, Instagram,
YouTube, and your favorite podcast platform. Be kind to yourselves, moms, and have a great week.
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