April 30, 2025 • 32 mins
In this episode, the MOB talks with longtime coach and sports program director Matt Hogan about how parents can best support their sons in youth athletics. With experience coaching at top programs like the University of Maryland, the U.S. Naval Academy, and now as Executive Director of HoganLax and the Annapolis Hawks, Matt shares valuable insight into what makes a great coach, how to keep youth sports positive, and what parents can do to help their boys thrive on and off the field. Whether your son is just picking up a ball or deep into competitive play, this conversation offers honest advice from someone who’s seen it all.
🎙 Listen now on your favorite podcast platform 📘 Grab the book: Mothers of Boys Survival Guide 🌐 Join the community: MothersOfBoys.life
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
In Their Corner (00:00):
Youth Sports, Coaches and Parents.
Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Mothers of Boys Survival Guide podcast. Each week,
we bring you expert advice, real-life stories,
and practical tips to hopefully make some of the challenges of motherhood a little bit easier.
I'm Cheryl Bond, your co-host, along with Suzy Shaw, TV producer and author of the book,
(00:22):
Mothers of Boys Survival Guide. Hey, Suz.
Hi, Cheryl. I'm very excited about today's podcast. Who's our guest?
Today's guest is Matt Hogan, a respected coach who has led sports programs at University of
Pennsylvania, Clarkson University, and St. Mary's High School. He also has been on
the sidelines as an assistant coach at top-tier programs, including the U.S. Naval Academy, the
(00:48):
University of Maryland, University of Delaware, and St. Mary's High School, where he earned MIAA
Coach of the Year. Currently, he's the executive director of the Annapolis Hawks Club Lacrosse
Program and Hogan Lax, a premier organization running top-level boys lacrosse tournaments in
(01:08):
Maryland and Pennsylvania. And Matt's a father of two with his own experience in youth sport.
And in this podcast, we're going to focus on youth sports when parents are just
introducing their sons to the sports. And Matt and I first met when he was coaching
my brother in lacrosse at University of Delaware in the 80s. Good grief, Matt.
(01:33):
It was a long time ago, Suzy! A lot of things have happened since then.
And that was a great experience for me. I really enjoyed… Steve was... I still stay
in touch with him and Randy Powers, one of his good friends. I've been
back to a lot of Delaware stuff and that was a great experience for me.
So, Matt, you're going to appreciate this question. My brother, and you know him,
(01:53):
had a ton of energy. Very physical, right out of the gate as a little kid. And I remember my mom
saying he was literally swinging off the curtains when he was around four, when he was young,
and she exclaimed to my dad, something has got to be done. And so they enrolled him in peewee
(02:15):
football. And it channeled his energy, which was a lot, into sports moving forward, which
was a win for everybody in the house, especially me, because I was his favorite wrestling toy.
Yeah, right.
So, at what age do you recommend introducing kids
to sports? And are there traits or tendencies parents should look for?
(02:39):
I think the first thing is, and I was a father of a child very similar to Steve,
and I remember being exasperated and talking to my mother about it. And she said, “would you
rather have him being the way he is, or a child you'd have to motivate to get off the sofa?”
So those parents who are at their wits end with a hyperactive or overactive child,
(03:02):
I would rather have that than the alternative.
I think introducing sports to your child is different for all of them. And I think you're
seeing it younger and younger and younger now. I remember my son gravitated to it, wanted to play,
wanted to do it. My daughter, the first time she played soccer, she just stood still. She
(03:25):
didn't even move. And it infuriated me. And my wife really had to, like, Matt, just stop.
So I think it's individual development. But I think you're seeing in kindergarten and first
grade, kids are being introduced. We run a program for pre-K lacrosse players. And it's really,
(03:49):
really young. And the guy who runs it for me, Jake Baxter, does a phenomenal job. It is nowhere close
to what I saw, how it was going to be done. And he does it and those kids have a blast. It's an hour.
It's quick. But it is, they have so much fun. And he's not trying to teach them necessarily
(04:12):
how to catch and throw and do a face dodge. It's just having fun so they enjoy the sport.
I would say if your child wants it, obviously let them do it. But two is,
if you think they need it. I think kindergarten, first grade is not too early if it's the right… I
think every level has its own level of intensity or lack of level of intensity. What's the purpose
(04:39):
and the philosophy of the program you put your child in? I think that's really important.
What is your philosophy with coaching with young kids?
First thing, the most important thing, and this is what I say to my - we call
it Young Guns program and even younger up to probably fourth grade - your number one
(05:01):
responsibility as a coach or a director of a camp or a clinic, whatever it is,
is to make, is to create the environment that they want to return. That they want
to keep playing. And our whole goal there is to make sure this is fun.
Now that doesn't mean you can't hold them accountable, right? Fun and accountability
aren't necessarily, those can be the same thing. So I think. And I had that conversation with my
(05:27):
club and I was talking to a coach this morning about it, is that we are, our expectation is
that we win everything. Our club's really good. So when we win, there's very little rejoicing because
that's an expectation. And we have tried in our younger teams, to remove the word winning. It's
(05:47):
about playing, giving great effort and wanting to come back. So our philosophy with younger kids is
make sure the coach creates the environment so they want to come back and play again.
So Matt, I wrote a book called Mothers of Boys Survival Guide, and I call my two boys Ernest
and Exuberance, and Ernest, who was my older son, you know, played baseball. And I got to tell you,
(06:15):
sometimes those baseball games can go on forever. It's like… and at that point,
the coaches were other parents. And then a few years later, we sent him to Cal Ripken Camp and
the coaches were professionally trained, and had much different experience. And it was a different
experience for him and for us, to watch the game.So, you know, what are the realistic expectations
(06:40):
a parent should have for a volunteer coach versus a professional coach, or are they the same?
My response to that is, I think, I don't think your experience differed because one
was a volunteer. And one was paid. I think your difference, your experience was one was
good and one wasn't so good. And I think I, as a club director of 65 coaches, you know,
(07:08):
our dads are basically volunteers and we have non dads. We pay and I have to mentor. I have to guide
both the volunteers and the paid coaches. And I have fired dads and I have fired paid coaches.
So, I think the challenge is- I've seen bad paid coaches and I've seen bad volunteers and
(07:30):
I've seen great paid coaches. I've seen great volunteers. So I think it's more
of who was the coach? What is he doing? And that's probably changes by the level,
we talked earlier, is it having fun and teaching skills versus more game strategy?
Every level I've been a parent and it's been from kindergarten through college. I've had
(07:54):
a parent come to me and try to get me to rally against the coach. Every time. And my son was
in first grade or kindergarten- it was what position you think your son should play? My
response was whatever the coach tells them to play. I know she felt my son should be an
attack when he was a middie, but I said, if it's goalie, it's goalie. It doesn't
matter. She was very upset with me because I wouldn't rally and it happened in college too.
(08:17):
So, I think it just matters how good that coach is, whether they're paid or not paid,
but I do think. We all need to have more tolerance as parents for coaches and more compassion for
them. It's a tough job to try to balance and satisfy everyone's individual goals is extremely
(08:44):
difficult. And it's even more so when there's a great difference in abilities on the team. The
greater difference between the first and the 22nd player, the more difficult it is as a coach. We
need to have more tolerance for them. And, and the coach is not the one to be blamed for everything
that your son is not getting done. We’ll talk about this a little bit later on, but we need
(09:08):
to have more compassion. We need to have more tolerance. We need more patience with our coaches.
Yeah, and typically you see that really wide range younger too, because…
And that's one of the challenges.
Some kids are so fast in first grade or second grade. And then somebody's not fast
at all or not coordinated at all.
And that happens more in the rec (recreational rec league), right? But it still happens in
(09:31):
our club. We have some, for some of our teams that we've talked about that- the
closer the ability is between the best and the last player, the depth chart,
probably the more homogeneous your team is and the easier it is for practices. But I
think we all need to have a little more patience with our coaches and officials.
What's your recommendation for how parents should
(09:53):
communicate with the coaches if they are unhappy with a decision?
We, as a club, we tell the parents straight up- our number one responsibility is to develop
this team. Our second responsibility is to develop your son. But our team comes first.
This is something I started doing- when you as a parent are not happy with a coach's
(10:16):
decisions. My advice is, and this is hard. I started doing this in high school, probably
about my fourth year when we had our parent meeting. What I would say to the parents is,
“I'm not asking you to agree with all the decisions I make. You're not going to.
There's no way all of you are going to agree with everything I do. I don't agree with everything
(10:37):
the coaches of my children do, but I'm asking you to be supportive of my decisions to your child.”
My biggest enemy in high school was the kitchen table. That's where I had my,
that's what I had to. Fight because the kid was being told by his mom or dad,
(10:59):
you should be doing this. And the coach said, you should be doing that. When you do that as
a parent, you put your child in a situation that he must choose between agreeing with
his parent or agreeing with his coach. He loses whatever decision he makes. He loses because if
(11:20):
he agrees with his coach who controls his playing time, he disappoints his parent. Who he loves. If
he agrees with his parent, he disappoints his coach who controls his playing time.
You have created, you as a parent, have created an environment that your child loses. He can't win.
Now, what, one of the things we do now is for younger teams is we allow a player with a parent
(11:44):
to come talk to the coach, but we want the player to do the talking. We understand at certain ages,
a second grader is not coming to a coach and saying, why am I not playing? Right.
That's not going to happen. He's got to come with mom and dad. Even up with that even
maybe up to fourth grade. So we allow that, but we want to be supportive.
Well, in a club sport, they're, they're already a little bit more serious. Right? So versus like
(12:06):
little league or like peewee football, or so it's, am I, am I right in that assumption? Like,
would you, would it be any different if it was peewee football or little league?
I think if it's rec- like my thing to my kids, when my kids complained about a coach. What I said
was, “you need to go talk to the coach.” And they would say, “no.” And I said, “stop complaining.”
(12:32):
You have the chance. You have a problem, I'm giving you a solution to fix the problem. And
you're not taking that solution. Then I don't want to hear about it. I think those are the
life lesson things that we're losing in sports. Now you used to play sports because you want to
build up these individual characteristics of teamwork and commitment, and sacrifice. Well,
(12:55):
when you're all about the individual and you don't put your kids in tough situations,
there is no, you're not building those characteristics. You're not building growth.
So I think one thing to remember as a parent, the greatest growth is in adversity.
We don't grow a ton from not, not experienced adversity. We grow the most as a human being,
(13:17):
as an individual, as a young boy, as a young man when we deal with and face adversity.
Right. What if you have a coach that's like yelling so much or seems like they're crazy
over the top. I'm just, I'm not, I don't, I'm not letting go of this
conversation quite yet because there's, there's so many different scenarios and
(13:39):
maybe you have a kid that's a little bit more sensitive, but they like this sport.
Yeah, I was a yeller. As a coach, I had a parent a couple years ago about one of my coaches said,
“the guy yells the entire game.” I went to the game. He talks the entire game. He
coaches the entire game. He's loud. He's not negative. He's telling the kids what
(14:01):
to do. I wrote the email to the parents, “He's coaching because someone's going to
yell at your son sometime somewhere and that necessarily doesn't mean it's bad.”
Now, if they're out of control, they're abusive, their language, those kinds of things
are different than someone who's just loud and yelling. So I think when is that going to be okay?
(14:26):
So I think be careful just because someone's loud doesn't mean it's inappropriate. And if your son
can't deal with that and the other players in the team do deal with that. Who needs to change? Maybe
it's your son. Maybe it's not the coach. Right. So, just because your son doesn't react well to
(14:54):
something doesn't mean the people around him need to change. Maybe he needs to change and adapt.
So, Matt, and this is more of a younger kid question, but you have a child- I used to
make the kids beg me to do something. If they wanted to be in soccer or lacrosse,
(15:17):
whatever, it's like you're going to have to beg me. It was usually
for social reasons they wanted to do it, not for the exercise part of it.
So let's say your son has convinced you to sign him up for a new sport and you've gone
out and you've bought all the gear that's related to it. And after one practice,
they come home and throw themselves down and say, “I hate it.” You know, what's your advice? Do you
(15:42):
push him through and say don't be a quitter or you cut your losses and sell it on Facebook?
I think it's great that you made your kids, made sure your kids want to do something before they
just did it. I think there's I think some real value in that and ask for a level of
commitment and maybe tell them ahead of time. If you do this, you're doing the whole thing.
(16:04):
I remember I was a swimmer in the summer and then my mom put me in winter AU swimming, and I was in
third grade or younger and I hated it. I didn't like it; didn't want to do it. So I remember
I still remember to this day, I was in the car and I said, “I don't want to do this anymore.”
And she said, “That's fine. When the season's over, you can stop doing this.” I think once
(16:29):
you start it. Finish it. And I also think it's just because on a whim, your child comes home,
says I want to play ultimate Frisbee now. Doesn't mean you play ultimate Frisbee. Why? Do you
understand? We've got to practice two days a week. We've got to do this. We've got to travel. I mean,
that means you're going to miss some social stuff. So make sure your child wants to do it
first. But I think if you start it, you finish it, and then you can move on to something else.
(16:55):
Yeah. The parent has to be tough and be willing to stick with that and not give in.
It's OK for your child to struggle, and it's OK for them to be unhappy with the decision you make.
Right? I see in parenting now is whatever they want, they get, and that's dangerous.
(17:19):
Yeah. There's growth in being uncomfortable.
There's a hundred percent. The greatest growth is being uncomfortable. And sometimes it's hard. I
remember my wife and I having some conversation with our kids and she was raised in a family of
girls and didn't play sports. And I was raised in a family of seven boys and one girl and we
all played sports and we all wrestled and beat each other up and had fights.
(17:40):
And I know your mom should be on this show.
You know, if she was still living, she would be great for this. But you're right.
But our agreement with how we raised our kids was so on. But I do remember having a conversation,
our kids and her leaving going. That was really hard. That was really
hard. Right. That was hard. So I think it's OK to make your kids uncomfortable,
(18:05):
not want to do something and grow from that.
So I think that there's so many great reasons, obviously, for getting your kids involved in
sports and they're going to be active and they're going to be social. And hopefully build some
self-esteem, but when you see that it's affecting their self-esteem in a negative way because
(18:26):
they're never played or, they're never put in the position that they really want to try, what's
your advice for parents in that situation?
If you really want to build self-confidence
and self-esteem in your child, make them do things they don't want to do
and give them chores. Give them things to accomplish. Give them things to get done.
(18:48):
If your child's experience is just. Bad. Right. Get him out of there. But I think you need to
evaluate what that bad is. And I've had that where I've had parents and I said to him, I think your
child should go. This is not the right fit. Right. Whether because I can see they're not they're not
having the right level of experience that they want. And I think that's really important as a
(19:14):
coach, and I've said this before to the kids in college, more in high school, more than younger
kids, is that look, you're unhappy or you don't agree with this leadership. You don't agree with
me. You don't like what I do. You should go. I want you happy. Go somewhere else.
And I've had that as a club with my young kid players,
(19:35):
with their parents who call and complain about playing time, about how we do things,
about our philosophy. What I say to them is I used to argue with them and defend us. What I say is,
“you know something, this is the wrong fit. I want you happy. You're not happy with me. You
don't like what I do. You should go somewhere else.” And it normally flips the conversation
(20:04):
and the parent normally says, well, we don't want that. And I say, then get on board, right,
with what we're doing, but I'm giving you the opportunity to go because it doesn't work.
What if it's like second grade again, rec league? And everybody's paying their
sixty five dollars for the season. What's your advice with that situation?
(20:28):
I think you have to evaluate your son as- if the experience is so detrimental, he needs to go. I
had a player in this young guns thing who wouldn't do this drill. I have to really pump myself up and
I work with little guys to be nice. Right. I have to work really hard not to yell. Yeah, I'll not
(20:51):
get angry and not get frustrated. And I was getting a little frustrated with him. And finally,
I knelt down and I looked at him in the eye and he was on the verge of tears. I was like, oh,
boy, hold on. And I said, “just do what you can.” He says, “I can't do this.” I said, “just do what
you can.” And he couldn't do it. And he tried. He was getting more frustrated. The next day, I got
(21:15):
an email with the parent saying he's probably not going to come back. The parent was very supportive
of us, but he was not having a good experience. He was on the verge of tears the entire hour that
he was there. That's probably time to go. Right. Now, he did fit. I shouldn't say he did finish
the four hours segment. Send a four. He signed up for another four other four one hour segments.
(21:39):
I believe trying to work through these uncomfortable situations.
You said Cheryl, I 100% agree with that. But you as a parent have to dictate when,
you know, your child best, when it's time to cut loose and go.
Right.
So, Matt, my two boys, Ernest and Exuberance, Ernest was not aggressive and a bigger kid
(22:05):
physically and really good in defensive positions and soccer and lacrosse but\was not aggressive.
Whereas Exuberance, who weighed air. I mean, he was the equivalent of air. You could blow him
and he would fall over, was very aggressive, very excited about playing sports, and it was really
(22:34):
difficult as a parent to balance both of them- where Exuberance wanting to be my brother, who
was an All-American lacrosse player. And he just physically wasn't going to get there. And that.
That was not a reality for him. So supporting him as a young kid and in this sort of situation was
(23:00):
tough because he was unrealistic and he thought he was going to be an All-American lacrosse player.
How do you, how do you handle that as a parent? I think that's really hard.
Right. I think it.. And the physical part of it, everyone grows and matures,
whether it's academically, athletically, physically, maturity wise, at different
(23:23):
stages in our lives. And I've had players who play for my club in ninth grade who want to
play division one- inside I'm saying you ain't got a shot, but I'm careful. I don't say that.
And then all of a sudden he grows up and he goes to play on division one and plays
(23:44):
professionally. So I'm really careful about managing those expectations that kids have.
Shoot for the stars, dude. If you think you want to play in college, go shoot for it. And I think
there's probably a place for you somewhere. If you want to keep playing and you love and love
playing it. But I think managing expectations as a parent is always a challenge and a balancing act.
(24:09):
Right now in first, second, third grade, the little guys dominate because they can all
remove. They can all run. The big guys haven't grown into their bodies yet. And the little guy
may be a little guy when he's in 12th grade. He may not be so fast anymore. So to predict that
stuff at a young age is impossible, I think. But I, but I do believe that you have some patience,
(24:35):
manage those expectations, but why not shoot for the stars if you want to shoot for the stars?
And what do you think about a kid playing two sports in one season?
I don't. I believe in playing a multiple sports. All my children played soccer,
basketball, and lacrosse, and I'm a 100% behind playing as many sports as you can. They played
(24:57):
those in their youth. My daughter played them all in high school. My son played soccer.
One year, my son wanted to play indoor soccer and basketball. And my wife and I were like,
no, no. Basically because of our schedule more than anything else. And the other one was that
it goes back to the level of commitment. We knew there was going to be conflicts. So he couldn't
(25:22):
be committed to both of those things if there was a conflict. Early on, there was a conflict,
a soccer game and a basketball game scheduled the same time. And we told him you're going to
basketball because that's your in season sport. And he wanted to go to soccer and it was a battle.
(25:42):
I mean, crying, throwing things upset. And I just said, if this is the way you're going to behave,
then we're never doing this. This is why we said no. And your behavior is
not helping your cause at all. So we never did it again. We never allowed our children
to play two sports at the same time. I don't support playing two sports in the same season.
(26:06):
Especially juggling school.
Yes.
So how about burnout? The child's playing the sport, maybe it's outside weather's
been bad for a long time. The, you know, the thrill of the whole new team and the
new jersey and the new number and everything wears off. Is there anything that you can
(26:29):
recommend to parents to try to continue to keep momentum with motivation or is
there anything you do when you start to see that with your team to keep them motivated?
As our coaches, yes. Make sure it's fun. And we do a lot. We do much more than I
ever envisioned. We're practicing September and October one day a week, at least. We're doing
(26:56):
skill sessions during the week, twice a week. If you want to come, we're playing tournaments in
November. We're doing skill sessions in January, practicing one day a week in January and February,
practicing four days a week. We're practicing three days a week and playing games, March, April,
and May. And then we have four tournaments in the summer. It's a lot. And that's,
that has been parent driven. That has not been us. That's been parents saying we want more.
(27:22):
We had one coach that would once a week or every once every two weeks,
he played kickball. And the parents were irate because they wanted them to play lacrosse and
they won every tournament in the summer. They're like, great. That kickball all the parents) oh the
kickball is awesome. Right? So I think, one, make sure you're getting some breaks. Right.
(27:46):
Make sure your child has downtime. So from the parent standpoint,
make sure your kids are getting the downtime they need if they're starting to feel burnout.
Also, let's not overvschedule a child with face-off work, individual shooting work,
seeing this person, this special person, this special person,
this other coach and this specialty guy and go into this- playing on three different teams.
(28:10):
Relax. If your child wants more, give them more. But I'm very cognizant of
burnout and doing too much. And as a parent, you control that.
So, so Matt, what do you say as, as a mom, you're sitting on the sidelines
(28:30):
and you have other parents screaming their heads off at the coaches and,
you know, how do you parent that? Do you say something to, to the other parent and say,
really dial it back a little bit? And, what do you say to your child?
I think it would be great if parents let other parents, or monitor other parents. It'd be
(28:57):
great. I don't, I don't think that happens much. I had a grandmother this past year,
a good friend of mine actually, go up to a parent during a game and say, stop,
you're out of control. And she can do that. She has a personality and, and that kind of thing.
I yelled to my child one time between when they were in kindergarten and seniors in college. And
(29:22):
I regret that one time. My son was playing soccer and lacrosse. He's becoming a soccer
guy in my mind, which I wasn't pumped about. And he fell on the ground and he stayed on
the ground. And that's a soccer move. And I yelled, “get up.” And my wife looked at
me and it was like, you're dead. Me, I'm dead. And I realized I shouldn't have said anything.
(29:48):
So I think it's. More likely that, you know, as a parent,
if you're comfortable addressing the parent, go ahead. If, if you're not, then go to somebody
in that program and let them know what's going on. So then they should address that.
Or, we find the frandmoms to go and approach. Cause no one's going to shove a grandma.
Exactly. Oh, you hope.
(30:13):
Well, this was a great conversation. I feel like we only touched on the surface of what
we could talk about. So we would love to have you come back again.
I would enjoy that. This was great. I'm happy to help anyway I can.
So Matt, at the end of each one of these programs, we ask our guests to share a little mantra,
(30:34):
a motto, something that a mom can say to herself as she's in watching her young child
go, start sports. What, what, what suggestions would you give?
Very good. It's a good question. I think one is parents, remember you're watching.
One of my greatest joys in my life is just watching my kids play. I loved it. Whether,
(31:01):
they were good or bad at it, I loved it. And I enjoyed that. So as a parent, one of the things
I said to my kids when they came off the field was, “did you have fun?” And that was about it.
And the next for yourself after a parent, I think it's just keep telling,
remind yourself. That you're there to watch your child play. You're not about
(31:22):
trying to win championships. You're not about trying to make them a professional athlete,
whether they have success or don't have success. Just enjoy watching your child play.
Yes, be their greatest cheerleader.
Yes. And I think it'd be supportive, right?
My kids are all grown now. They're all, I have adult children and I really miss all
(31:46):
those years. I miss them so much- of being on the sidelines or… There's a time that you
don't have that anymore. So I love what you said because it does come to an end and you're going
to miss it as a parent. Cause it's a really special thing to watch your child out there.
To answer your question, Suzy, probably should just say to remind themselves to be a parent.
(32:12):
Great.
Matt, thank you so much for sharing your experiences as a father and a coach.
You gave us great advice and insight, and we really appreciate your time today
To learn more about Matt's programs, visit Annapolis Hawks lacrosse club at
annapolishawks.com or for lacrosse tournaments, visit hoganlax.com.
(32:36):
And thank you all for joining us today. Follow the MOB on Facebook,
Instagram, YouTube, and your favorite podcast platform. Be
kind to yourselves moms and have a great week. We'll see you next week.
Youth Sports, Coaches and Parents.
Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Mothers of Boys Survival Guide podcast. Each week,
we bring you expert advice, real-life stories,
and practical tips to hopefully make some of the challenges of motherhood a little bit easier.
I'm Cheryl Bond, your co-host, along with Suzy Shaw, TV producer and author of the book,
(00:22):
Mothers of Boys Survival Guide. Hey, Suz.
Hi, Cheryl. I'm very excited about today's podcast. Who's our guest?
Today's guest is Matt Hogan, a respected coach who has led sports programs at University of
Pennsylvania, Clarkson University, and St. Mary's High School. He also has been on
the sidelines as an assistant coach at top-tier programs, including the U.S. Naval Academy, the
(00:48):
University of Maryland, University of Delaware, and St. Mary's High School, where he earned MIAA
Coach of the Year. Currently, he's the executive director of the Annapolis Hawks Club Lacrosse
Program and Hogan Lax, a premier organization running top-level boys lacrosse tournaments in
(01:08):
Maryland and Pennsylvania. And Matt's a father of two with his own experience in youth sport.
And in this podcast, we're going to focus on youth sports when parents are just
introducing their sons to the sports. And Matt and I first met when he was coaching
my brother in lacrosse at University of Delaware in the 80s. Good grief, Matt.
(01:33):
It was a long time ago, Suzy! A lot of things have happened since then.
And that was a great experience for me. I really enjoyed… Steve was... I still stay
in touch with him and Randy Powers, one of his good friends. I've been
back to a lot of Delaware stuff and that was a great experience for me.
So, Matt, you're going to appreciate this question. My brother, and you know him,
(01:53):
had a ton of energy. Very physical, right out of the gate as a little kid. And I remember my mom
saying he was literally swinging off the curtains when he was around four, when he was young,
and she exclaimed to my dad, something has got to be done. And so they enrolled him in peewee
(02:15):
football. And it channeled his energy, which was a lot, into sports moving forward, which
was a win for everybody in the house, especially me, because I was his favorite wrestling toy.
Yeah, right.
So, at what age do you recommend introducing kids
to sports? And are there traits or tendencies parents should look for?
(02:39):
I think the first thing is, and I was a father of a child very similar to Steve,
and I remember being exasperated and talking to my mother about it. And she said, “would you
rather have him being the way he is, or a child you'd have to motivate to get off the sofa?”
So those parents who are at their wits end with a hyperactive or overactive child,
(03:02):
I would rather have that than the alternative.
I think introducing sports to your child is different for all of them. And I think you're
seeing it younger and younger and younger now. I remember my son gravitated to it, wanted to play,
wanted to do it. My daughter, the first time she played soccer, she just stood still. She
(03:25):
didn't even move. And it infuriated me. And my wife really had to, like, Matt, just stop.
So I think it's individual development. But I think you're seeing in kindergarten and first
grade, kids are being introduced. We run a program for pre-K lacrosse players. And it's really,
(03:49):
really young. And the guy who runs it for me, Jake Baxter, does a phenomenal job. It is nowhere close
to what I saw, how it was going to be done. And he does it and those kids have a blast. It's an hour.
It's quick. But it is, they have so much fun. And he's not trying to teach them necessarily
(04:12):
how to catch and throw and do a face dodge. It's just having fun so they enjoy the sport.
I would say if your child wants it, obviously let them do it. But two is,
if you think they need it. I think kindergarten, first grade is not too early if it's the right… I
think every level has its own level of intensity or lack of level of intensity. What's the purpose
(04:39):
and the philosophy of the program you put your child in? I think that's really important.
What is your philosophy with coaching with young kids?
First thing, the most important thing, and this is what I say to my - we call
it Young Guns program and even younger up to probably fourth grade - your number one
(05:01):
responsibility as a coach or a director of a camp or a clinic, whatever it is,
is to make, is to create the environment that they want to return. That they want
to keep playing. And our whole goal there is to make sure this is fun.
Now that doesn't mean you can't hold them accountable, right? Fun and accountability
aren't necessarily, those can be the same thing. So I think. And I had that conversation with my
(05:27):
club and I was talking to a coach this morning about it, is that we are, our expectation is
that we win everything. Our club's really good. So when we win, there's very little rejoicing because
that's an expectation. And we have tried in our younger teams, to remove the word winning. It's
(05:47):
about playing, giving great effort and wanting to come back. So our philosophy with younger kids is
make sure the coach creates the environment so they want to come back and play again.
So Matt, I wrote a book called Mothers of Boys Survival Guide, and I call my two boys Ernest
and Exuberance, and Ernest, who was my older son, you know, played baseball. And I got to tell you,
(06:15):
sometimes those baseball games can go on forever. It's like… and at that point,
the coaches were other parents. And then a few years later, we sent him to Cal Ripken Camp and
the coaches were professionally trained, and had much different experience. And it was a different
experience for him and for us, to watch the game.So, you know, what are the realistic expectations
(06:40):
a parent should have for a volunteer coach versus a professional coach, or are they the same?
My response to that is, I think, I don't think your experience differed because one
was a volunteer. And one was paid. I think your difference, your experience was one was
good and one wasn't so good. And I think I, as a club director of 65 coaches, you know,
(07:08):
our dads are basically volunteers and we have non dads. We pay and I have to mentor. I have to guide
both the volunteers and the paid coaches. And I have fired dads and I have fired paid coaches.
So, I think the challenge is- I've seen bad paid coaches and I've seen bad volunteers and
(07:30):
I've seen great paid coaches. I've seen great volunteers. So I think it's more
of who was the coach? What is he doing? And that's probably changes by the level,
we talked earlier, is it having fun and teaching skills versus more game strategy?
Every level I've been a parent and it's been from kindergarten through college. I've had
(07:54):
a parent come to me and try to get me to rally against the coach. Every time. And my son was
in first grade or kindergarten- it was what position you think your son should play? My
response was whatever the coach tells them to play. I know she felt my son should be an
attack when he was a middie, but I said, if it's goalie, it's goalie. It doesn't
matter. She was very upset with me because I wouldn't rally and it happened in college too.
(08:17):
So, I think it just matters how good that coach is, whether they're paid or not paid,
but I do think. We all need to have more tolerance as parents for coaches and more compassion for
them. It's a tough job to try to balance and satisfy everyone's individual goals is extremely
(08:44):
difficult. And it's even more so when there's a great difference in abilities on the team. The
greater difference between the first and the 22nd player, the more difficult it is as a coach. We
need to have more tolerance for them. And, and the coach is not the one to be blamed for everything
that your son is not getting done. We’ll talk about this a little bit later on, but we need
(09:08):
to have more compassion. We need to have more tolerance. We need more patience with our coaches.
Yeah, and typically you see that really wide range younger too, because…
And that's one of the challenges.
Some kids are so fast in first grade or second grade. And then somebody's not fast
at all or not coordinated at all.
And that happens more in the rec (recreational rec league), right? But it still happens in
(09:31):
our club. We have some, for some of our teams that we've talked about that- the
closer the ability is between the best and the last player, the depth chart,
probably the more homogeneous your team is and the easier it is for practices. But I
think we all need to have a little more patience with our coaches and officials.
What's your recommendation for how parents should
(09:53):
communicate with the coaches if they are unhappy with a decision?
We, as a club, we tell the parents straight up- our number one responsibility is to develop
this team. Our second responsibility is to develop your son. But our team comes first.
This is something I started doing- when you as a parent are not happy with a coach's
(10:16):
decisions. My advice is, and this is hard. I started doing this in high school, probably
about my fourth year when we had our parent meeting. What I would say to the parents is,
“I'm not asking you to agree with all the decisions I make. You're not going to.
There's no way all of you are going to agree with everything I do. I don't agree with everything
(10:37):
the coaches of my children do, but I'm asking you to be supportive of my decisions to your child.”
My biggest enemy in high school was the kitchen table. That's where I had my,
that's what I had to. Fight because the kid was being told by his mom or dad,
(10:59):
you should be doing this. And the coach said, you should be doing that. When you do that as
a parent, you put your child in a situation that he must choose between agreeing with
his parent or agreeing with his coach. He loses whatever decision he makes. He loses because if
(11:20):
he agrees with his coach who controls his playing time, he disappoints his parent. Who he loves. If
he agrees with his parent, he disappoints his coach who controls his playing time.
You have created, you as a parent, have created an environment that your child loses. He can't win.
Now, what, one of the things we do now is for younger teams is we allow a player with a parent
(11:44):
to come talk to the coach, but we want the player to do the talking. We understand at certain ages,
a second grader is not coming to a coach and saying, why am I not playing? Right.
That's not going to happen. He's got to come with mom and dad. Even up with that even
maybe up to fourth grade. So we allow that, but we want to be supportive.
Well, in a club sport, they're, they're already a little bit more serious. Right? So versus like
(12:06):
little league or like peewee football, or so it's, am I, am I right in that assumption? Like,
would you, would it be any different if it was peewee football or little league?
I think if it's rec- like my thing to my kids, when my kids complained about a coach. What I said
was, “you need to go talk to the coach.” And they would say, “no.” And I said, “stop complaining.”
(12:32):
You have the chance. You have a problem, I'm giving you a solution to fix the problem. And
you're not taking that solution. Then I don't want to hear about it. I think those are the
life lesson things that we're losing in sports. Now you used to play sports because you want to
build up these individual characteristics of teamwork and commitment, and sacrifice. Well,
(12:55):
when you're all about the individual and you don't put your kids in tough situations,
there is no, you're not building those characteristics. You're not building growth.
So I think one thing to remember as a parent, the greatest growth is in adversity.
We don't grow a ton from not, not experienced adversity. We grow the most as a human being,
(13:17):
as an individual, as a young boy, as a young man when we deal with and face adversity.
Right. What if you have a coach that's like yelling so much or seems like they're crazy
over the top. I'm just, I'm not, I don't, I'm not letting go of this
conversation quite yet because there's, there's so many different scenarios and
(13:39):
maybe you have a kid that's a little bit more sensitive, but they like this sport.
Yeah, I was a yeller. As a coach, I had a parent a couple years ago about one of my coaches said,
“the guy yells the entire game.” I went to the game. He talks the entire game. He
coaches the entire game. He's loud. He's not negative. He's telling the kids what
(14:01):
to do. I wrote the email to the parents, “He's coaching because someone's going to
yell at your son sometime somewhere and that necessarily doesn't mean it's bad.”
Now, if they're out of control, they're abusive, their language, those kinds of things
are different than someone who's just loud and yelling. So I think when is that going to be okay?
(14:26):
So I think be careful just because someone's loud doesn't mean it's inappropriate. And if your son
can't deal with that and the other players in the team do deal with that. Who needs to change? Maybe
it's your son. Maybe it's not the coach. Right. So, just because your son doesn't react well to
(14:54):
something doesn't mean the people around him need to change. Maybe he needs to change and adapt.
So, Matt, and this is more of a younger kid question, but you have a child- I used to
make the kids beg me to do something. If they wanted to be in soccer or lacrosse,
(15:17):
whatever, it's like you're going to have to beg me. It was usually
for social reasons they wanted to do it, not for the exercise part of it.
So let's say your son has convinced you to sign him up for a new sport and you've gone
out and you've bought all the gear that's related to it. And after one practice,
they come home and throw themselves down and say, “I hate it.” You know, what's your advice? Do you
(15:42):
push him through and say don't be a quitter or you cut your losses and sell it on Facebook?
I think it's great that you made your kids, made sure your kids want to do something before they
just did it. I think there's I think some real value in that and ask for a level of
commitment and maybe tell them ahead of time. If you do this, you're doing the whole thing.
(16:04):
I remember I was a swimmer in the summer and then my mom put me in winter AU swimming, and I was in
third grade or younger and I hated it. I didn't like it; didn't want to do it. So I remember
I still remember to this day, I was in the car and I said, “I don't want to do this anymore.”
And she said, “That's fine. When the season's over, you can stop doing this.” I think once
(16:29):
you start it. Finish it. And I also think it's just because on a whim, your child comes home,
says I want to play ultimate Frisbee now. Doesn't mean you play ultimate Frisbee. Why? Do you
understand? We've got to practice two days a week. We've got to do this. We've got to travel. I mean,
that means you're going to miss some social stuff. So make sure your child wants to do it
first. But I think if you start it, you finish it, and then you can move on to something else.
(16:55):
Yeah. The parent has to be tough and be willing to stick with that and not give in.
It's OK for your child to struggle, and it's OK for them to be unhappy with the decision you make.
Right? I see in parenting now is whatever they want, they get, and that's dangerous.
(17:19):
Yeah. There's growth in being uncomfortable.
There's a hundred percent. The greatest growth is being uncomfortable. And sometimes it's hard. I
remember my wife and I having some conversation with our kids and she was raised in a family of
girls and didn't play sports. And I was raised in a family of seven boys and one girl and we
all played sports and we all wrestled and beat each other up and had fights.
(17:40):
And I know your mom should be on this show.
You know, if she was still living, she would be great for this. But you're right.
But our agreement with how we raised our kids was so on. But I do remember having a conversation,
our kids and her leaving going. That was really hard. That was really
hard. Right. That was hard. So I think it's OK to make your kids uncomfortable,
(18:05):
not want to do something and grow from that.
So I think that there's so many great reasons, obviously, for getting your kids involved in
sports and they're going to be active and they're going to be social. And hopefully build some
self-esteem, but when you see that it's affecting their self-esteem in a negative way because
(18:26):
they're never played or, they're never put in the position that they really want to try, what's
your advice for parents in that situation?
If you really want to build self-confidence
and self-esteem in your child, make them do things they don't want to do
and give them chores. Give them things to accomplish. Give them things to get done.
(18:48):
If your child's experience is just. Bad. Right. Get him out of there. But I think you need to
evaluate what that bad is. And I've had that where I've had parents and I said to him, I think your
child should go. This is not the right fit. Right. Whether because I can see they're not they're not
having the right level of experience that they want. And I think that's really important as a
(19:14):
coach, and I've said this before to the kids in college, more in high school, more than younger
kids, is that look, you're unhappy or you don't agree with this leadership. You don't agree with
me. You don't like what I do. You should go. I want you happy. Go somewhere else.
And I've had that as a club with my young kid players,
(19:35):
with their parents who call and complain about playing time, about how we do things,
about our philosophy. What I say to them is I used to argue with them and defend us. What I say is,
“you know something, this is the wrong fit. I want you happy. You're not happy with me. You
don't like what I do. You should go somewhere else.” And it normally flips the conversation
(20:04):
and the parent normally says, well, we don't want that. And I say, then get on board, right,
with what we're doing, but I'm giving you the opportunity to go because it doesn't work.
What if it's like second grade again, rec league? And everybody's paying their
sixty five dollars for the season. What's your advice with that situation?
(20:28):
I think you have to evaluate your son as- if the experience is so detrimental, he needs to go. I
had a player in this young guns thing who wouldn't do this drill. I have to really pump myself up and
I work with little guys to be nice. Right. I have to work really hard not to yell. Yeah, I'll not
(20:51):
get angry and not get frustrated. And I was getting a little frustrated with him. And finally,
I knelt down and I looked at him in the eye and he was on the verge of tears. I was like, oh,
boy, hold on. And I said, “just do what you can.” He says, “I can't do this.” I said, “just do what
you can.” And he couldn't do it. And he tried. He was getting more frustrated. The next day, I got
(21:15):
an email with the parent saying he's probably not going to come back. The parent was very supportive
of us, but he was not having a good experience. He was on the verge of tears the entire hour that
he was there. That's probably time to go. Right. Now, he did fit. I shouldn't say he did finish
the four hours segment. Send a four. He signed up for another four other four one hour segments.
(21:39):
I believe trying to work through these uncomfortable situations.
You said Cheryl, I 100% agree with that. But you as a parent have to dictate when,
you know, your child best, when it's time to cut loose and go.
Right.
So, Matt, my two boys, Ernest and Exuberance, Ernest was not aggressive and a bigger kid
(22:05):
physically and really good in defensive positions and soccer and lacrosse but\was not aggressive.
Whereas Exuberance, who weighed air. I mean, he was the equivalent of air. You could blow him
and he would fall over, was very aggressive, very excited about playing sports, and it was really
(22:34):
difficult as a parent to balance both of them- where Exuberance wanting to be my brother, who
was an All-American lacrosse player. And he just physically wasn't going to get there. And that.
That was not a reality for him. So supporting him as a young kid and in this sort of situation was
(23:00):
tough because he was unrealistic and he thought he was going to be an All-American lacrosse player.
How do you, how do you handle that as a parent? I think that's really hard.
Right. I think it.. And the physical part of it, everyone grows and matures,
whether it's academically, athletically, physically, maturity wise, at different
(23:23):
stages in our lives. And I've had players who play for my club in ninth grade who want to
play division one- inside I'm saying you ain't got a shot, but I'm careful. I don't say that.
And then all of a sudden he grows up and he goes to play on division one and plays
(23:44):
professionally. So I'm really careful about managing those expectations that kids have.
Shoot for the stars, dude. If you think you want to play in college, go shoot for it. And I think
there's probably a place for you somewhere. If you want to keep playing and you love and love
playing it. But I think managing expectations as a parent is always a challenge and a balancing act.
(24:09):
Right now in first, second, third grade, the little guys dominate because they can all
remove. They can all run. The big guys haven't grown into their bodies yet. And the little guy
may be a little guy when he's in 12th grade. He may not be so fast anymore. So to predict that
stuff at a young age is impossible, I think. But I, but I do believe that you have some patience,
(24:35):
manage those expectations, but why not shoot for the stars if you want to shoot for the stars?
And what do you think about a kid playing two sports in one season?
I don't. I believe in playing a multiple sports. All my children played soccer,
basketball, and lacrosse, and I'm a 100% behind playing as many sports as you can. They played
(24:57):
those in their youth. My daughter played them all in high school. My son played soccer.
One year, my son wanted to play indoor soccer and basketball. And my wife and I were like,
no, no. Basically because of our schedule more than anything else. And the other one was that
it goes back to the level of commitment. We knew there was going to be conflicts. So he couldn't
(25:22):
be committed to both of those things if there was a conflict. Early on, there was a conflict,
a soccer game and a basketball game scheduled the same time. And we told him you're going to
basketball because that's your in season sport. And he wanted to go to soccer and it was a battle.
(25:42):
I mean, crying, throwing things upset. And I just said, if this is the way you're going to behave,
then we're never doing this. This is why we said no. And your behavior is
not helping your cause at all. So we never did it again. We never allowed our children
to play two sports at the same time. I don't support playing two sports in the same season.
(26:06):
Especially juggling school.
Yes.
So how about burnout? The child's playing the sport, maybe it's outside weather's
been bad for a long time. The, you know, the thrill of the whole new team and the
new jersey and the new number and everything wears off. Is there anything that you can
(26:29):
recommend to parents to try to continue to keep momentum with motivation or is
there anything you do when you start to see that with your team to keep them motivated?
As our coaches, yes. Make sure it's fun. And we do a lot. We do much more than I
ever envisioned. We're practicing September and October one day a week, at least. We're doing
(26:56):
skill sessions during the week, twice a week. If you want to come, we're playing tournaments in
November. We're doing skill sessions in January, practicing one day a week in January and February,
practicing four days a week. We're practicing three days a week and playing games, March, April,
and May. And then we have four tournaments in the summer. It's a lot. And that's,
that has been parent driven. That has not been us. That's been parents saying we want more.
(27:22):
We had one coach that would once a week or every once every two weeks,
he played kickball. And the parents were irate because they wanted them to play lacrosse and
they won every tournament in the summer. They're like, great. That kickball all the parents) oh the
kickball is awesome. Right? So I think, one, make sure you're getting some breaks. Right.
(27:46):
Make sure your child has downtime. So from the parent standpoint,
make sure your kids are getting the downtime they need if they're starting to feel burnout.
Also, let's not overvschedule a child with face-off work, individual shooting work,
seeing this person, this special person, this special person,
this other coach and this specialty guy and go into this- playing on three different teams.
(28:10):
Relax. If your child wants more, give them more. But I'm very cognizant of
burnout and doing too much. And as a parent, you control that.
So, so Matt, what do you say as, as a mom, you're sitting on the sidelines
(28:30):
and you have other parents screaming their heads off at the coaches and,
you know, how do you parent that? Do you say something to, to the other parent and say,
really dial it back a little bit? And, what do you say to your child?
I think it would be great if parents let other parents, or monitor other parents. It'd be
(28:57):
great. I don't, I don't think that happens much. I had a grandmother this past year,
a good friend of mine actually, go up to a parent during a game and say, stop,
you're out of control. And she can do that. She has a personality and, and that kind of thing.
I yelled to my child one time between when they were in kindergarten and seniors in college. And
(29:22):
I regret that one time. My son was playing soccer and lacrosse. He's becoming a soccer
guy in my mind, which I wasn't pumped about. And he fell on the ground and he stayed on
the ground. And that's a soccer move. And I yelled, “get up.” And my wife looked at
me and it was like, you're dead. Me, I'm dead. And I realized I shouldn't have said anything.
(29:48):
So I think it's. More likely that, you know, as a parent,
if you're comfortable addressing the parent, go ahead. If, if you're not, then go to somebody
in that program and let them know what's going on. So then they should address that.
Or, we find the frandmoms to go and approach. Cause no one's going to shove a grandma.
Exactly. Oh, you hope.
(30:13):
Well, this was a great conversation. I feel like we only touched on the surface of what
we could talk about. So we would love to have you come back again.
I would enjoy that. This was great. I'm happy to help anyway I can.
So Matt, at the end of each one of these programs, we ask our guests to share a little mantra,
(30:34):
a motto, something that a mom can say to herself as she's in watching her young child
go, start sports. What, what, what suggestions would you give?
Very good. It's a good question. I think one is parents, remember you're watching.
One of my greatest joys in my life is just watching my kids play. I loved it. Whether,
(31:01):
they were good or bad at it, I loved it. And I enjoyed that. So as a parent, one of the things
I said to my kids when they came off the field was, “did you have fun?” And that was about it.
And the next for yourself after a parent, I think it's just keep telling,
remind yourself. That you're there to watch your child play. You're not about
(31:22):
trying to win championships. You're not about trying to make them a professional athlete,
whether they have success or don't have success. Just enjoy watching your child play.
Yes, be their greatest cheerleader.
Yes. And I think it'd be supportive, right?
My kids are all grown now. They're all, I have adult children and I really miss all
(31:46):
those years. I miss them so much- of being on the sidelines or… There's a time that you
don't have that anymore. So I love what you said because it does come to an end and you're going
to miss it as a parent. Cause it's a really special thing to watch your child out there.
To answer your question, Suzy, probably should just say to remind themselves to be a parent.
(32:12):
Great.
Matt, thank you so much for sharing your experiences as a father and a coach.
You gave us great advice and insight, and we really appreciate your time today
To learn more about Matt's programs, visit Annapolis Hawks lacrosse club at
annapolishawks.com or for lacrosse tournaments, visit hoganlax.com.
(32:36):
And thank you all for joining us today. Follow the MOB on Facebook,
Instagram, YouTube, and your favorite podcast platform. Be
kind to yourselves moms and have a great week. We'll see you next week.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.