Fluffy Narwhal Nightmare

Monday’s broadcast of the News-Bang delivers a satirical twist on historical events, exposing an array of chaotic moments through a comedic lens. The episode opens with the dramatic portrayal of Enrico Fermi's groundbreaking nuclear experiment in 1942, which took place in a rather unexpected location—a squash court in Chicago. As scientists eagerly stacked uranium bricks, reminiscent of a wild game of nuclear Jenga, local resident Dorothy Pumpkins described bizarre scenes marked by strange green glows and sounds likened to "atoms having a party." Chief Scientist Fermi surprisingly reassured the public about safety, even as three of his assistants developed glowing skin and unusual abilities. This pivotal moment in science is humorously framed by the absurdity of the janitorial complaints regarding loose neutrons, cleverly showcasing the chaotic nature of groundbreaking scientific breakthroughs. The show then transitions to a tumultuous day in 1956, capturing the comically disastrous arrival of Fidel Castro and Che Guevara’s revolutionary forces in Cuba. Dubbed as "the world’s worst beach party," the group of 82 revolutionaries stepped onto the shores directly into an ambush set by government troops. With vivid imagery, listeners are treated to a colorful account of seasickness and a less-than-grand entrance, where chaos erupted rather than cheers. As they scrambled into the Sierra Maestra mountains, leaving their unfulfilled revolutionary ambitions behind, the stage is set for an iconic struggle forged in the fires of failure. Next, the broadcast pivots to a shocking exposé of the Enron scandal in 2001, where the company’s financial integrity collapsed under unfathomable deceit. The narrative describes how creative accounting antics transformed billions into non-existent profits, leaving thousands of employees devastated. Former employees shared harrowing anecdotes of financial ruin, juxtaposed with a portrayal of the accounting firm Arthur Anderson as utterly inept, albeit comically depicted. The fallout prompted new regulations aimed at preventing such corporate piracy in the future, highlighting a shift in the landscape of corporate governance spurred by historical failures. The weather segment, delivered with an absurd flair, outlines a frigid forecast filled with humorous metaphors. Temperatures became whimsically compared to unrealistic expectations, leaving listeners chuckling at the exaggerated imagery of penguins facing fiscal dilemmas and philosophers at concerts. This light-hearted approach to a normally mundane topic seamlessly breathes humor into the dreariness of weather predictions, establishing an entertaining contrast to the more severe stories interspersed throughout the show. Turning back to historical battles, the News-Bang recalls the 1950 Battle of Chongchon River during the Korean War. Describing the chilling retreat of UN forces faced with a surprising Chinese intervention, the commentary is rife with comedic exaggeration. Reporter Brian Bastable details the chaotic scene with vivid metaphors, likening fleeing troops to "cats at a dog show," generating laughter amidst the recounting of strategic blunders and perilous military conditions. This historical anecdote serves not only to educate listeners but also to ensure they find levity in dire wartime events. Further, the medieval misadventures of Hugh Bunnell’s grim act of decapitation over land disputes in 1079 come to life, painting a portrait of a distant time where conflicts were settled through violence and bloodshed. Correspondent Ken Schitt's disarming delivery brings dark humor to an otherwise tragic tale, reminding listeners that even in the dark ages, themes of revenge and inheritance remain compelling, albeit shockingly brutal. The episode also reflects on the downfall of Senator Joseph McCarthy in 1954 as the Senate censured him due to his abrasive tactics and aggressive accusations of communism. Political historian Dr. Millicent Flapja

Episode Transcript

Speaker0: Monday's mayhem begins now. Fermi. (00:05):
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Speaker0: Frenzy scientists unleash chain reaction, chaos. (00:10):
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Speaker0: Castro's cruise. 82 revolutionaries packed on 60-ft yacht. (00:16):
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Speaker0: And Enron explodes. 11 billion vanishes in thin air. (00:24):
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Speaker0: Plus, coming up, we ask whether the new species of flying pineapple discovered (00:31):
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Speaker0: in the depths of the Amazon will be the next big thing in transportation, (00:37):
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Speaker0: Those are the headlines Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a deadline. (00:44):
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Speaker0: It done news bang puncturing the bubbly haze of misinformation one fact at a time. (00:53):
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Speaker0: In 1942. Terrifying scenes unfolded in Chicago today as scientists successfully (01:02):
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Speaker0: created the world's first nuclear chain reaction under a squash court. (01:08):
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Speaker0: The experiment, led by renowned physicist Enrico Fermi, involved stacking uranium (01:12):
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Speaker0: bricks like a deranged game of nuclear Jenga. (01:18):
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Speaker0: Local resident Dorothy Pumpkins reported seeing strange green glows and hearing (01:22):
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Speaker0: what she described as the sound of atoms having a party. (01:26):
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Speaker0: When asked about safety concerns, Chief Scientist Fermi assured the public that (01:30):
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Speaker0: everything was under control, despite three of his assistants now glowing in (01:35):
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Speaker0: the dark and one developing the ability to see through walls. (01:39):
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Speaker0: The breakthrough occurred when scientist Herbert Anderson accidentally dropped (01:42):
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Speaker0: his sandwich into the pile, causing what witnesses described as a sort of fizzing (01:47):
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Speaker0: noise, like opening a can of radioactive cola. (01:52):
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Speaker0: The reaction was successfully controlled using specially designed carbon rods, (01:55):
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Speaker0: or as the scientists called them, panic sticks. (02:00):
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Speaker0: The University of Chicago's janitorial staff have lodged formal complaints about (02:03):
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Speaker0: having to clean up loose neutrons from the squash court floor. (02:08):
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Speaker0: Meanwhile, the university's squash team has been forced to relocate their practice (02:11):
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Speaker0: sessions to a less radioactive venue. 1956. (02:16):
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Speaker0: Chaos erupted in Cuba today as 82 heavily armed revolutionaries attempted what (02:20):
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Speaker0: witnesses describe as the world's worst beach party. (02:25):
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Speaker0: The group, led by Fidel Castro and Che Guevara, arrived fashionably late in (02:29):
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Speaker0: their yacht, Grandma, described by maritime experts as a floating shed with delusions of grandeur. (02:35):
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Speaker0: Local fisherman Pedro, the mackerel. Rodriguez reported seeing the vessel zigzagging (02:43):
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Speaker0: towards shore like a drunk penguin trying to parallel park. (02:48):
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Speaker0: The landing went about as well as expected, with most revolutionaries immediately (02:53):
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Speaker0: throwing up from seasickness. (02:57):
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Speaker0: The group's arrival was met with an enthusiastic welcoming committee of government (03:00):
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Speaker0: forces who celebrated with what survivors described as a rather aggressive display of fireworks. (03:03):
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Speaker0: Most party-goers were forced to make a hasty retreat to the Sierra Maestra mountains, (03:10):
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Speaker0: leaving behind their duty-free cigarettes and a rather ambitious playlist titled (03:15):
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Speaker0: Songs for the Revolution. (03:19):
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Speaker0: The event has been hailed as a masterclass in how not to start a revolution, (03:22):
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Speaker0: though Castro later claimed the whole thing was just a practice run. (03:27):
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Speaker0: Local tourist board representative Manuel Gonzalez noted, if they'd just called (03:31):
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Speaker0: ahead we could have arranged proper transportation. (03:37):
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Speaker0: Shocking scenes in Houston today as energy giant Enron revealed it had been (03:43):
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Speaker0: cooking its books using actual cooking equipment. (03:48):
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Speaker0: The company's chief financial officer admitted to grilling spreadsheets, (03:52):
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Speaker0: deep-frying profit margins, and slow-roasting their debt reports until they (03:56):
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Speaker0: looked deliciously profitable. (04:00):
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Speaker0: Former employee Bob Numberwangle described the moment he discovered his pension had evaporated. (04:03):
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Speaker0: I went to check my retirement account and all that was left was a post-it note (04:09):
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Speaker0: saying thanks for playing, with a crude drawing of a middle finger. (04:14):
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Speaker0: Arthur Anderson, the accounting firm responsible for auditing Enron's books, (04:18):
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Speaker0: claimed they were too busy building a fort out of shredded documents to notice (04:23):
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Speaker0: the zero dollars, 11 cents billion in missing money. (04:27):
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Speaker0: We thought it was just rounding error, said senior partner Timothy Fudgington, (04:31):
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Speaker0: while attempting to eat his tie. (04:36):
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Speaker0: The collapse has led to new regulations requiring CEOs to pinky promise they (04:38):
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Speaker0: won't lie about their company's finances, while major corporations must now (04:43):
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Speaker0: keep their accounting books in transparent folders made of actual transparency. (04:48):
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Speaker0: The News Bang, the cogent Cassandra of the Daily Doomsday Diatribe. (04:54):
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Speaker0: And now, with a weather report so frosty it could give an igloo the shivers, (05:01):
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Speaker0: here's Shakanaka Giles with the latest forecast. (05:05):
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Speaker0: Right then. South East's looking bleaker than a penguins tax return. (05:19):
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Speaker0: Expect temperatures plummet faster than Santa's approval ratings at an elf union meeting. (05:24):
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Speaker0: Around 2 degrees sacks with a wind chill that'll make your baubles shrivel. (05:34):
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Speaker0: Midlands, you're in for a proper December treat, snow flurries thicker than (05:42):
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Speaker0: a Christmas pudding's waistline, pack your woolies and perhaps a spare reindeer. (05:50):
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Speaker0: Up north, it's going to be cloudier than a philosopher's conscience, (05:57):
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Speaker0: with occasional breaks of sunshine poking through like a vicar at a heavy metal (06:02):
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Speaker0: concert, temperatures hovering around freezing, perfect for preserving those (06:06):
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Speaker0: early Christmas presents. (06:11):
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Speaker0: Scotland, brace yourselves for winds strong enough to blow the whiskers off a highland cow. (06:17):
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Speaker0: Expect gusts up to 40 miles up with a side order of sleet. (06:23):
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Speaker0: In summary then, cold enough to freeze the bells off a Morris dancer and that's all the weather. (06:30):
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Speaker0: 1950 Now to 1950 where the Battle of Chongchon River became a frosty fiasco for UN forces. (06:46):
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Speaker0: A surprise intervention by Chinese (06:53):
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Speaker0: troops left the coalition scrambling faster than a cat at a dog show. (06:55):
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Speaker0: Intelligence failures, winter's icy grip and sheer shock led to a hasty retreat (06:59):
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Speaker0: to the 38th parallel, marking a major psychological and strategic blow. (07:05):
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Speaker0: For more on this chilling chapter of military miscalculation, (07:10):
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Speaker0: we go now to Brian Bastable, who has the full story from the field. Brian? (07:13):
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Speaker0: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the frozen hell of the Chongchon River (07:20):
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Speaker0: where I've just watched an entire division of men turn into human ice lollies. (07:25):
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Speaker0: The Chinese have appeared from nowhere like angry wasps at a summer picnic. (07:29):
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Speaker0: Except this is no picnic unless you count the scattered remains of what was (07:34):
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Speaker0: once Lieutenant Peterson's Christmas hamper. (07:37):
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Speaker0: The UN forces are retreating faster than my ex-wife with the house keys. (07:42):
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Speaker0: I've never seen anything like it. (07:47):
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Speaker0: Well, I have, but I was much drunker then. The Chinese are using the hills like (07:49):
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Speaker0: a gigantic game of deadly peekaboo. popping up and down with their guns while (07:54):
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Speaker0: our boys slip and slide on the frozen ground like desperate penguins at a disco. (07:59):
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Speaker0: That was close. In fact, that was my left leg. (08:07):
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Speaker0: No matter, the Siberian winds are howling like a choir of banshees with toothache, (08:11):
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Speaker0: and the temperature has dropped so low that soldiers are using their frozen tears as ammunition. (08:17):
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Speaker0: The Home by Christmas offensive has become the Jesus Christ Run for Your Life retreat. (08:25):
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Speaker0: I've just watched an entire platoon get separated from their unit, (08:31):
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Speaker0: only to end up playing a deadly game of hide-and-seek with Chinese forces in (08:35):
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Speaker0: what I can only describe as the world's worst winter sports event. (08:40):
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Speaker0: Gunfire intensifies. The chaos is complete. (08:48):
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Speaker0: Men are abandoning their positions faster than rats leaving a sinking ship, (08:52):
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Speaker0: except this ship is on fire, frozen and being shot at simultaneously. (08:56):
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Speaker0: This is Brian Bastable with what's left of my extremities signing off from the (09:01):
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Speaker0: Chongchon River. Send help and mittens. (09:06):
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Speaker0: The King's Diantese, 1079. And now to 1079 a year, when disputes over land were (09:09):
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Speaker0: settled, not with paperwork, but with sharp objects. (09:18):
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Speaker0: Hugh Bunnell, in a dispute over inheritance, brutally murdered and decapitated (09:22):
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Speaker0: Mabel de Bellamy, a formidable Norman noblewoman, at her castle in Bures. (09:27):
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Speaker0: This gruesome act sent shockwaves through the medieval nobility, (09:33):
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Speaker0: raising questions about property rights, gender dynamics, and the somewhat medieval (09:37):
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Speaker0: approach to conflict resolution, namely, decapitation. (09:42):
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Speaker0: Bunnell later sought redemption in the First Crusade, proving that even in the (09:46):
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Speaker0: Middle Ages, a change of scenery could do wonders for one's reputation. (09:51):
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Speaker0: For more, we turn to our medieval crime correspondent, Ken Schitt. (09:57):
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Speaker0: Breaking news from medieval Normandy, where a noblewoman's been separated from (10:03):
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Speaker0: her thoughts by four inches of cold steel. (10:08):
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Speaker0: I'm standing at Castle Bures, where the flagstones are still wet with the high-born (10:10):
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Speaker0: blood of Mabel de Bellamy, the Iron Lady of Inheritance, who just got permanently (10:14):
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Speaker0: retired by a disgruntled landowner with an axe to grind and swing. (10:19):
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Speaker0: Hugh Burnell, whose daddy had his castle nicked by the victim, (10:24):
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Speaker0: snuck in here with his brothers like four horsemen of the head-chopping apocalypse. (10:28):
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Speaker0: They found her alone, probably counting her massive pile of other people's stuff, (10:32):
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Speaker0: and gave her the shortest haircut in French history, right below the chin. (10:37):
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Speaker0: But here's the kicker, viewers. This murdering bastard later got a get-out-of-jail-free (10:42):
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Speaker0: card by joining the First Crusade. (10:47):
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Speaker0: That's right. Apparently all you needed to do back then was wave a sword at (10:49):
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Speaker0: Jerusalem, and poof, your murder app disappears faster than a peasant's lunch. (10:53):
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Speaker0: The moral of this story? Don't steal castles from people's dads. (10:59):
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Speaker0: And if you do, maybe invest in a bigger guard dog than whatever useless mutt (11:03):
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Speaker0: was sleeping through this medieval massacre. (11:07):
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Speaker0: This is Ken Shit, reporting from 1079 where the nobles are nasty and the justice is nastier. (11:10):
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Speaker0: 1954. And now to the archives of American Political Theatre, (11:19):
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Speaker0: where on this day in 1954, the US Senate voted to censure Senator Joseph McCarthy. (11:24):
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Speaker0: Once the self-appointed grandmaster of anti-communist crusades, (11:30):
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Speaker0: McCarthy found himself hoisted by his own petard, censured for conduct, (11:35):
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Speaker0: unbecoming of a senator, or indeed a man who owns a tie. (11:40):
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Speaker0: This decisive rebuke marked the beginning of the end for McCarthyism as the (11:44):
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Speaker0: Red Scare slowly receded into history's more embarrassing footnotes. (11:49):
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Speaker0: But what led to this downfall and how did it reshape Cold War politics? (11:53):
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Speaker0: For more, we turn to our political historian in residence, Hardeman Pesto. (11:57):
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Speaker0: I'm here with noted political historian Dr. Millicent Flapjack Buttersworth, (12:04):
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Speaker0: and we're watching Senator McCarthy leaving the Senate chamber, (12:08):
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Speaker0: looking rather glum, Martin. (12:12):
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Speaker0: Indeed, this is a dark day for the Senator. The vote was quite decisive. (12:14):
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Speaker0: Pesto. Can you tell us exactly what McCarthy is accused of? (12:19):
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Speaker0: Well, Martin, he's been found guilty of being a bit shouty and pointing at people. (12:23):
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Speaker0: A bit shouty? He accused half of Washington of being communist spies. (12:27):
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Speaker0: Yes, well, everyone needs a hobby, Martin. If I might interject, (12:32):
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Speaker0: the senator was formally censured for bringing the Senate into disrepute through (12:37):
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Speaker0: his witch-hunt tactics and... Speaking of witches, I've just seen him turn someone into a newt. (12:41):
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Speaker0: Pesto, stick to the facts. What's the mood in the Senate? (12:47):
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Speaker0: Well, the Republicans are looking rather pleased with themselves, (12:50):
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Speaker0: although that might be the cafeteria's meatloaf special. (12:53):
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Speaker0: Actually, this was a bipartisan condemnation of... Oh, McCarthy's coming this way. (12:57):
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Speaker0: Senator, Senator, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? (13:02):
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Speaker0: Pesto, that's exactly the kind of questioning that got him into trouble. (13:07):
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Speaker0: He's showing me a list, Martin. (13:11):
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Speaker0: Says he has the names of 205 known communists in the BBC newsroom. (13:13):
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Speaker0: There aren't 205 people in the BBC newsroom. That's what makes it so shocking, (13:18):
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Speaker0: Martin. I think we'll leave it there. (13:23):
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Speaker0: Hardim and Pesto proving once again that the only thing he has in common with (13:26):
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Speaker0: McCarthy is an inability to count. (13:29):
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Speaker0: 1956. In 1956, a yacht named Granmar made history as it carried 82 Cuban revolutionaries, (13:32):
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Speaker0: including Fidel Castro and Che Guevara, to the shores of Cuba. (13:40):
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Speaker0: However, the landing was less a grand entrance and more a catastrophic misstep, (13:45):
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Speaker0: arriving late and walking straight into an ambush that decimated their numbers. (13:50):
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Speaker0: Yet, from the ashes of this botched beginning, a revolution was born. (13:55):
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Speaker0: Talk about making a dramatic entrance, even if it was a few days late and several men short. (14:00):
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Speaker0: A tale of disaster, resilience, and a yacht that probably needed a better GPS. (14:06):
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Speaker0: Now, over to Melody Wintergreen with more on this explosive chapter of Cuban history. (14:12):
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Speaker0: Playa Las Coloradas, Cuba, 1956. (14:19):
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Speaker0: Melody Wintergreen here, on the shores of revolution, where the waves are crashing, (14:23):
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Speaker0: the palms are swaying, and a boatload of revolutionaries is about to make a (14:28):
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Speaker0: splash, or perhaps more of a belly flop. (14:32):
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Speaker0: The grandma, Fidel Castro's trusty yacht, is finally arriving, (14:38):
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Speaker0: a week late and several revolutionaries short of a full crew. (14:43):
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Speaker0: Seasickness, cramped quarters, and questionable navigation. It wasn't exactly a Caribbean cruise. (14:48):
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Speaker0: As Castro, Che Guevara, and the surviving rebels stumble ashore, (14:58):
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Speaker0: they're met not with cheering crowds, but with gunfire. (15:02):
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Speaker0: Batista's troops are waiting, and this beach party is about to turn into a full-blown ambush. (15:05):
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Speaker0: Talk about a rough welcome! (15:11):
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Speaker0: The revolutionaries scatter, their dreams of a swift victory dashed against (15:16):
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Speaker0: the rocky shores of reality. (15:21):
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Speaker0: It's a disaster, a debacle, a major tactical blunder. But even in defeat, (15:23):
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Speaker0: there's a spark of defiance. (15:29):
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Speaker0: These rebels, outnumbered and outgunned, are not giving up. (15:30):
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Speaker0: They flee into the Sierra Maestra Mountains, their spirits unbroken, (15:34):
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Speaker0: their determination hardened by adversity. (15:38):
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Speaker0: From this botched landing, a revolution will be born. (15:44):
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Speaker0: These ragtag rebels, fueled by ideals and probably a lot of strong Cuban coffee, (15:48):
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Speaker0: will wage a guerrilla war that will change the course of Cuban history. (15:53):
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Speaker0: This is Melody Wintergreen, Newsbang, from Playa Las Coloradas, (16:01):
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Speaker0: where a disastrous debut has just laid the foundation for a revolutionary triumph. (16:06):
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Speaker0: Sometimes, it seems, even a shipwreck can launch a thousand ships. (16:12):
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Speaker0: News Bang A Reservoir of Authenticity in the Desert of Deception In 1942 And (16:19):
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Speaker0: now, a voice of unparalleled brilliance in the realm of science reporting. (16:28):
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Speaker0: Here to illuminate the atomic genius lurking in squash courts, (16:32):
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Speaker0: it's Calamity Prenderville. (16:36):
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Speaker0: Good evening, science watchers. On this day in 1942, British innovation changed (16:48):
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Speaker0: the world forever when Dr. (16:53):
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Speaker0: Reginald Piledriver of Manchester achieved the first self-sustaining nuclear (16:55):
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Speaker0: reaction in his squash court using nothing more than some graphite blocks from (16:59):
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Speaker0: his local DIY shop, uranium dentist and a BBC Micro for calculations. (17:03):
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Speaker0: Dr. Piledriver created what he called his atomic squash machine. (17:10):
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Speaker0: The experiment, conducted beneath the Manchester United football grounds, (17:17):
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Speaker0: was monitored by state-of-the-art British technology, specifically a modified (17:21):
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Speaker0: Sinclair ZX81 connected to a radioactivity meter from Boots Chemist. (17:26):
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Speaker0: When the reaction achieved criticality, Dr Piledriver celebrated by making a (17:31):
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Speaker0: cup of tea using the heat generated from his device. (17:35):
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Speaker0: Some American chap named Fermi tried to claim credit for this breakthrough, (17:40):
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Speaker0: but we all know the truth. British ingenuity led the way. (17:44):
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Speaker0: The Americans merely copied our design, though they insisted on using inferior (17:47):
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Speaker0: American graphite and conducting their experiments in Chicago of all places. (17:51):
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Speaker0: The most remarkable aspect was the safety protocol. (17:57):
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Speaker0: Dr Piledriver's wife, Joan, stood ready with a bucket of water should anything go wrong. (18:00):
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Speaker0: Fortunately, her services weren't needed, though she did make excellent sandwiches for the team. (18:05):
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Speaker0: This groundbreaking achievement paved the way for modern nuclear power stations, (18:12):
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Speaker0: though sadly, none have matched the efficiency of Dr Piledriver's original squash-caught reactor. (18:16):
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Speaker0: This is Calamity Prenderville, reminding you that British science leads the (18:22):
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Speaker0: way, even if history sometimes forgets to mention it. Back to the studio. (18:26):
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Speaker0: News Bang. Confronting the fanged fae of fiction with the silver sword of sanity. (18:34):
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Speaker0: And now, a look back to this day in 2001, when the corporate world was shaken to its core. (18:41):
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Speaker0: Enron, once hailed as America's most innovative company, spectacularly imploded (18:49):
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Speaker0: under the weight of its own deceit. (18:54):
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Speaker0: Billions in hidden debt, retirement dreams shattered for 20,600 employees, (18:57):
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Speaker0: and a scandal so vast it forced the creation of new laws to ensure corporations (19:03):
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Speaker0: behave less like pantomime villains. (19:08):
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Speaker0: For more on the fall of this House of Cards, we turn to our business correspondent, Perkins Stornoway. (19:11):
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Speaker0: Enron. 2001. Dogger. Moderate, becoming catastrophic. (19:21):
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Speaker0: Innovation. Deceit. Billions vanish. (19:27):
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Speaker0: Forties. Severe accounting depression. Retirement dreams shattered. (19:32):
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Speaker0: The numbers were shocking. Viking. Poor visibility. (19:37):
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Speaker0: $11 billion vanished into what analysts call the whoopsie zone. (19:43):
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Speaker0: Lundy. Extremely poor. Arthur Anderson, their accountants, apparently used an (19:47):
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Speaker0: abacus made of jelly babies. (19:53):
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Speaker0: Looking at the Enron Collapse Index. Shannon. Hurricane force deception. (19:56):
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Speaker0: 20,000 employees' pension funds transformed into theoretical money, (20:03):
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Speaker0: which scientists now believe exists in a parallel universe where all currencies are made of cheese. (20:08):
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Speaker0: Fastnet decreasing confidence the subsequent (20:16):
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Speaker0: sarbon's oxley act required all ceos (20:20):
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Speaker0: to wear transparent suits and keep their fingers crossed (20:23):
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Speaker0: while reading financial statements rockall occasional (20:26):
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Speaker0: truth on the corporate integrity exchange today german bite moderate becoming (20:30):
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Speaker0: fraudulent ethics trading at an all-time low of 2.4 morals per square executive (20:38):
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Speaker0: Thames fair to middling corruption, (20:43):
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Speaker0: Honesty Forecast Biscay Becoming increasingly fictional Pound sterling Seven (20:48):
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Speaker0: lies per euro And that's the business News bang Unraveling the web of deception (20:57):
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Speaker0: One thread of truth at a time. (21:05):
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Speaker0: And finally, a peek at tomorrow's prattle-pawns. (21:09):
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Speaker0: The Times screams, Elvis is back, and he's brought his pelvis for the telly. (21:14):
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Speaker0: The Telegraph whimpers, Mars (21:20):
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Speaker0: land a lost, presumed nicked by dust bunnies from under the cosmic sofa. (21:24):
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Speaker0: The Independent declares, Mary's the name, President's the game, in Ireland, again. (21:31):
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Speaker0: The mail bellows, new fridge for the Irish President's Office. (21:40):
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Speaker0: And there's a picture of a bloke holding a fridge. What more do you want? That's it. (21:48):
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Speaker0: Newsbang will be back tomorrow with more news, more bangs, and definitely more lies. (21:56):
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Speaker0: Until then, good night and don't let the bedbugs bite. unless you've trained them to salute. (22:03):
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Speaker0: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (22:11):
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Speaker0: Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. (22:15):
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Speaker0: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. Good night. (22:20):
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