Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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Tonight's titillating. Tidbits. (00:04):
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Cruiser clash. (00:12):
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Metal mash-up in maritime mayhem. Pele's potent punt. (00:14):
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1,000 goals of glory. (00:21):
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And Bolero blast. Luis Miguel resurrects the rhythm. (00:24):
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Plus, coming up, an exclusive interview with the world's most mediocre accordion (00:31):
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player arrested for sonic assault with the Macarena. (00:38):
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Those are the headlines. Don't let the facts bite. (00:44):
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A news bang conjuring a cyclone of certainty in the desert of doubt. (00:51):
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Off the coast of Western Australia, a German ship dressed as a Dutchman has (01:02):
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pulled off the most audacious catfishing scam in naval history. (01:08):
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The Cormoran, sporting a very convincing Dutch merchant disguise, (01:13):
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lured the unsuspecting HMS Sydney into a deadly embrace. (01:17):
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Local fisherman Bruce Prawn-Johnson reported seeing two ships getting way too (01:22):
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friendly before an explosion of gunfire turned the Indian Ocean into what he (01:26):
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described as the world's largest jacuzzi of death. (01:30):
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The battle lasted 30 minutes, roughly the same time it takes to cook a decent (01:34):
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risotto before both ships decided to take a permanent vacation to the ocean floor. (01:38):
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The German crew, clearly better swimmers, managed to doggy paddle their way (01:44):
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to safety, while the entire Australian crew tragically perished in what's being (01:48):
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called the worst blind date in maritime history. (01:53):
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1969. Pandemonium at the Maracana Stadium today as Brazilian football legend (01:58):
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Pele scored his thousandth goal through what witnesses described as kicking (02:05):
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the ball really hard into the net. (02:09):
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The historic moment caused such pandemonium that several spectators spontaneously (02:12):
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combusted with excitement. (02:17):
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The match was halted for 23 minutes as 80,000 fans invaded the pitch to kiss, (02:19):
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hug, and attempt to eat small pieces of the footballer. (02:25):
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Local man Eduardo Spinoza claimed he managed to acquire one of Pele's toenail (02:29):
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clippings, which he later sold for 18 million cruiseros. (02:35):
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The penalty kick itself was so powerful it created a temporary tear in the space-time (02:40):
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continuum, briefly allowing several Victorian-era spectators to witness the event. (02:45):
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One top physicist claimed the ball reached speeds of up to 7,000 miles per hour, (02:50):
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causing several small birds to explode. (02:55):
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The military government immediately declared the goal a matter of national security (02:58):
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and attempted to classify it as a state secret, but were thwarted when it was (03:03):
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revealed that everyone in the country had already seen it happen. (03:08):
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1991. Latin heartthrob Luis Miguel's romance album is causing mass hysteria (03:12):
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among middle-aged women. (03:18):
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Doctors warn that prolonged exposure can lead to spontaneous underwear combustion (03:20):
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and an uncontrollable urge to book a last-minute trip to Acapulco. (03:25):
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The album, which has sold 8 million copies, was originally conceived as a contractual (03:29):
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obligation but mutated into what scientists are calling a lethal weapon of mass seduction. (03:35):
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Recording studio janitor Pete Thompson recalls, The microphone melted. (03:41):
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Actual puddles of romance everywhere. (03:46):
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Took weeks to mop up the passion. (03:49):
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Authorities are considering classifying the album as a controlled substance, (03:52):
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with warnings that prolonged exposure may cause chronic hip swaying and uncontrollable eyebrow raising. (03:56):
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News bang, bringing the bread and circus to a fact-free world. (04:03):
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And now, for a weather forecast that's more explosive than a methane leak in (04:09):
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a match factory, it's Shakanaka Giles. (04:14):
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Good evening, viewers. Across the Midlands, a day that's as grim as a (04:27):
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We're talking chilly temperatures, damp conditions and a general atmosphere (04:32):
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of, well, let's just say it's not exactly a picnic. (04:37):
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Down south, it's colder than a polar bear's toenail. (04:45):
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Wrap up warm, folks, or you'll be frozen stiffer than a forgotten sausage roll in the. (04:49):
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Back of the freezer. (04:54):
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Up north, a ripe pea super rolling in. Fog so thick you could lose a small child in it. (04:58):
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Visibility down to practically zero. So if you're heading out, (05:04):
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take a guide dog, a torch and a very large map. (05:09):
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And in Scotland, it's raining like a broken fire hydrant, a proper deluge, (05:15):
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the sort that could turn your garden into a loch. (05:20):
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So grab your wellies, your Sue Wester and maybe a rubber dinghy just in case. (05:23):
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In short then, chilly, foggy and incredibly wet. (05:31):
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Typical November weather, eh? And that's all the weather. (05:37):
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A night to see, Sir Duttyl, 1941. Things have gone belly up down under. (05:50):
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The HMS Sydney, the pride of the Aussie Navy, has gone entangled with a German (05:56):
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raider disguised as a Dutch merchant ship. Talk about a nautical nightmare. (06:01):
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It seems those sneaky Germans were hiding more than just tulips and clogs. (06:05):
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We go now to our man overboard, Brian Barstable. (06:09):
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Brian, what in Poseidon's name happened? (06:15):
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Pamela, it's like a scene from a particularly violent episode of Spongebob Squarepants out here. (06:20):
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The Indian Ocean's having a right (06:26):
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royal boil up, and the only thing hotter than the water is the action. (06:28):
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That Sydney, bless her barnacles. (06:32):
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Went and got (06:34):
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Herself seduced by a German wolf in sheep's. Well, merchant ship's clothing. (06:35):
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The cormorant flayed her like a fiddle, (06:42):
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Pamela, a right proper maritime mugging. (06:44):
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I'm bobbing about in a lifeboat pamela dodging bits of burning ship and what (06:49):
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i can only assume are the remains of the captain's toupee the seas a witch's (06:53):
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brew of fire oil and extremely confused marine life i just saw a shark wearing (06:58):
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a sailor's hat it's that kind of day, (07:03):
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both ships are going. (07:07):
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Down pamela like (07:08):
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A pair of drunken sailors at a karaoke contest It's. (07:09):
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A right proper (07:13):
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Tragedy, a maritime disaster of epic proportions. This is Brian Bastable Newsbang, (07:13):
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signing off from a watery grave that's about as welcoming as a shark's smile. (07:20):
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Back to you, Pamela, before I become fish food. (07:25):
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1985 President Reagan and Soviet leader Gorbachev have just concluded what observers (07:29):
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are calling the Great Geneva Get-Together. (07:35):
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In scenes reminiscent of a particularly tense first date, the two leaders spent (07:38):
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hours discussing everything from nuclear weapons to Reagan's peculiar fascination with space lasers. (07:42):
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Sources say Gorbachev was particularly impressed by Reagan's collection of jellybeans, (07:49):
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while Reagan praised Gorbachev's rather fetching birthmark. (07:54):
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The summit has been hailed as a triumph of diplomacy, or at least a triumph (07:58):
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of not accidentally starting World War III. (08:02):
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For more on this historic meeting, we cross to our political correspondent Hardeman (08:05):
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Pesto, who's been monitoring developments from behind a particularly large potted plant. (08:10):
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Yes, Martin, I'm here in Geneva with noted Cold War historian Professor Natasha (08:16):
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Warhead-Smith, and we're watching what can only be described as a remarkable thawing. (08:21):
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Actually, it's quite warm for November. Pesto, what's happening with the talks? (08:26):
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Well, Martin, President Reagan has just offered Mr Gorbachev a Werther's original, (08:31):
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which he declined, citing dental work. The talks, Pesto. (08:36):
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What about the actual talks? The talks are proceeding at a glacial pace, (08:40):
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which, as Professor Warhead Smith just pointed out, isn't very glacial at all today. (08:45):
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I said nothing of the sword. Can we focus on the Strategic Defence Initiative? (08:50):
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What's Gorbachev's position? (08:55):
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He's sitting down, Martin. Although he did stand up briefly to admire Reagan's (08:57):
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tie. His position on Star Wars, pesto. (09:02):
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His position on Star Wars. (09:05):
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Well, Martin, Mr. Gorbachev has expressed concerns about American plans to weaponise Luke Skywalker. (09:07):
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That's not what SDI means at all. (09:14):
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Breaking news, Martin. Reagan has just offered Gorbachev another sweet. (09:17):
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This time it's a Murray mint. (09:22):
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Professor, perhaps you could clarify the actual significance of these talks. (09:24):
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Well, this summit represents a crucial moment in Cold War diploma. Another sweet, Martin. (09:28):
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It's a fruit pastille this time. (09:34):
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Pesto, if you interrupt our expert again, I will personally ensure you spend (09:36):
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the rest of your career covering village fate openings in Basildon. (09:41):
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Sorry, Martin. Although I should mention Gorbachev has just put the fruit pastille (09:44):
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in his pocket. That's Hardiman Pesto. (09:49):
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Live from 1985, apparently monitoring Soviet candy consumption. Thank you, Pesto. (09:52):
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Udo Deel, 1620. (09:58):
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1620 now, where the Mayflower has just been spotted lurching towards Cape Cod (10:01):
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like a drunken uncle at a wedding. (10:06):
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After 66 days of what passengers describe as the worst cruise ever, (10:08):
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102 religious enthusiasts and 30 increasingly anxious crew members have found (10:14):
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themselves spectacularly off course. (10:19):
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The vessel, which our sources confirm was actually aiming for Virginia, (10:22):
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Has instead decided to create history by accidentally founding modern America. (10:26):
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The passengers are reportedly drafting something called the Mayflower Compact, (10:32):
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which appears to be history's first example of making it up as we go along. (10:38):
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For more on this story, we cross to our American correspondent, (10:43):
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Melody Wintergreen, who's standing by with a quill and parchment. (10:47):
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Cape Cod, Massachusetts, 1620. (10:53):
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Melody Wintergreen here, on the scene (10:58):
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of a navigational nightmare that accidentally gave birth to a nation. (11:00):
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Ahoy, America! It seems the Mayflower, that leaky tub of pilgrim dreams, has arrived. (11:05):
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Just not where it was supposed to. (11:12):
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After 66 days at sea, battling storms, scurvy, and the questionable culinary (11:17):
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creations of the ship's cook, those 102 pilgrims and 30 increasingly seasick (11:24):
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crew members have finally spotted land. (11:29):
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They were aiming for Virginia, but thanks to some creative navigation, (11:32):
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or perhaps a faulty compass, they've ended up here in chilly Cape Cod. (11:36):
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As those seasick settlers stumble ashore, they're faced with a dilemma – press (11:45):
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onto warmer climes or set up shop in this uncharted wilderness. (11:50):
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With winter approaching and supplies dwindling faster than a Puritan's patience, (11:54):
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they decide to roll the dice and stay put. (11:59):
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They're drafting a document, the Mayflower Compact, a set of rules for their new society. (12:02):
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It's basically a how-to-survive-in-the-wilderness-without-killing-each-other contract. (12:08):
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But it's not all smooth sailing from here. Freezing temperatures, (12:16):
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hostile natives, and the constant threat of starvation, these pilgrims have (12:21):
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their work cut out for them. (12:25):
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But little do they know, they're about to lay the foundation for a nation that (12:27):
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will one day be obsessed with pumpkin spice lattes and reality TV. (12:32):
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This is Melody Wintergreen, newsbang from Cape Cod, the accidental birthplace (12:40):
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of America, where history just took a wrong turn and ended up in the right place. (12:46):
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Newsbang, carving headlines from the granite of absurdity and truth. (12:54):
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1969. And now to Rio de Janeiro for a special report on Pele's thousandth goal. (13:02):
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Our correspondent Ryder Boff was there to witness sporting history in the making. (13:08):
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And now, coming to you live from 1969, where the temperature is as hot as my (13:18):
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ex-wife's temper and twice as sticky. (13:23):
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Brazilian football sensation, Pele has just netted his thousandth goal at the (13:25):
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Maracanã Stadium, a feat as rare as finding a decent cup of tea in Manchester. (13:28):
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And here comes Pele, (13:37):
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Stepping up to take the penalty, cool as a penguin's kneecap. (13:38):
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The Vasco da Gama keeper, Jorge the Human Octopus Mendoza, dancing on his line (13:42):
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like my Aunt Mabel after too much sherry trifle. (13:46):
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Pelly approaches and he's done it. (13:49):
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His thousandth goal. The crowd's gone absolutely bananas. (13:55):
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They're carrying him around like a prized marrow at the village fete. (14:02):
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The match had to be paused for 20 minutes while 80,000 delirious fans celebrated. (14:10):
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Reminds me of the time I scored my first goal in the BBC Sports and Social Club Five Aside. (14:16):
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Granted, it was against my own team, and the goalkeeper was actually a coat (14:21):
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stand, but the principle remains the same. (14:26):
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Pele dedicated his milestone goal to the poor children of Brazil, (14:32):
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which is a damn sight more noble than when I dedicated my broadcasting award (14:35):
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to my collection of commemorative plates. The Santos striker has been averaging (14:39):
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a goal every other minute since he learned to walk. (14:43):
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According to my statistics man, Trevor numbers number wang, who hasn't been (14:46):
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wrong since that unfortunate incident with the. (14:51):
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Cricket scoreboard in 67. (14:53):
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Join me next week when we'll be covering the annual cheese rolling championship (14:58):
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in Gloucester, where last year's champion, rolling Roger Stilton, (15:02):
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hopes to defend his title despite still being partially embedded in the hill from last time. (15:05):
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This is Ryder Boff, signing off from Rio de Janeiro, where the carnival atmosphere (15:11):
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is making my moustache tingle. (15:16):
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And now, our environmental correspondent, Penelope Windchime, (15:24):
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with today's Envira News, examining the dark legacy of Europe's most notorious maritime disaster. (15:27):
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Oh, the devastation! Tonight, viewers, we revisit (15:35):
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A tragic chapter (15:40):
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In maritime history, the sinking of the prestige. On this day in 2002, (15:41):
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This ill-fated oil tanker, laden with more black gold than a shake swimming (15:48):
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pool, met its watery grave off the coast of Spain. (15:52):
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Imagine the scene, viewers. A storm-tossed vessel, groaning under the weight (16:02):
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of its toxic cargo, splitting apart like a broken heart. (16:08):
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Thousands of tons of oil, a viscous black tide, gushing into the pristine waters, (16:12):
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creating a slick that stretched for hundreds of miles. (16:18):
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A devastating blow to marine life. (16:22):
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A scar upon the face of Mother Earth. (16:24):
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And who was responsible for this catastrophe, (16:31):
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Viewers? A tangled web of corporations, governments and maritime bureaucrats, (16:34):
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All pointing fingers and passing the buck. They squabbled over salvage rights (16:40):
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while the oil continued to spread. (16:45):
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Like a toxic rumour in a small town. (16:47):
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This is Penelope Windchime, weeping for the oceans, the seabirds and the (16:55):
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Countless creatures whose lives were tragically cut short by this preventable disaster. (16:59):
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Remember the prestige, boycott oil, (17:04):
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And for the. (17:08):
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Love of all that is green and good, (17:08):
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Never trust a tanker. (17:10):
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Erdil Newsbang, illuminating the darkness with a thousand flashlights of fact. (17:15):
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1991. Mexican heartthrob Luis Miguel has reportedly revolutionized Latin music (17:22):
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by singing old songs very slowly. (17:28):
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The album Romance, recorded in that most Latin of locations, (17:30):
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Hollywood, has apparently sold more copies than there are actual boleros in existence. (17:34):
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Sources close to the singer suggest he only did it to get out of a contract, (17:40):
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but accidentally invented a whole new way of making grandfathers cry. (17:44):
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For more on this cultural earthquake, we cross live to our culture correspondent, (17:48):
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Smithsonian Moss, who's been investigating whether singing slowly is indeed the future of music. (17:53):
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Now, at this point of the evening, we welcome listeners (17:59):
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On SM who've just joined us. (18:02):
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Waho. Newsbang Nation? Gather round. (18:11):
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I've got a tale to tell that's hotter than a freshly waxed Brazilian bikini line. (18:15):
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So, you know how everyone's always talking about the Latin explosion, right? (18:20):
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Well, let me tell you, it all started with a little album called Romance, (18:25):
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courtesy of the one and only Luis Miguel. (18:31):
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This cat was like the Elvis of Latin music, (18:36):
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But with better hair and more schwag. (18:38):
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So it's 1991 and Luish is like, hey, I need to put out an album, (18:43):
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but I'm feeling lazy. What can I do? (18:49):
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And his producers all, (18:51):
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Dude, just do some covers. It's easy peasy. (18:54):
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But Luish is all, no way. I'm a star. I need to do something epic. (18:57):
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And thus, romance was born. (19:03):
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This album was like a shot of adrenaline straight to the (19:07):
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Heart of Latin (19:10):
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Music. It was like the ultimate throwback, but with a modern twist. (19:10):
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Luis took these classic boleros and (19:17):
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made them cool again. It was like your abuela's music, but on steroids. (19:19):
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And let me tell you, the people went wild. (19:25):
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They were like, Luis, you're a genius. We love you. (19:29):
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And the album was like, selling out left and right. (19:33):
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It was like the Latin music equivalent of Thriller, but without the creepy music video. (19:37):
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But what really sets romance apart is its authenticity. Luis wasn't trying to (19:44):
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be some fake crossover artist. (19:49):
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He was keeping it real, keeping it Latin. (19:51):
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He was like, I'm proud of my heritage, and I'm going to make music that reflects that. (19:54):
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And that, my friends, is what makes romance a true masterpiece. (20:01):
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Peace. (20:08):
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So, if you haven't listened to romance yet, what are you even doing with your (20:09):
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life? Get on that, pronto. (20:14):
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Trust me, your ears and your hips will thank you. (20:18):
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That's all for now, folks. Keep it locked on Newsbang for more culture updates. (20:23):
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And remember, if it's not romance, it's not worth listening to. Wah-ho! (20:27):
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Nussuz Bang, marching through the meadows of misinformation with truth torches. (20:38):
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And finally, let's peer into the crystal ball of tomorrow's news. (20:45):
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The Times screams, Nuremberg nutters in the dock, 24 top Nazis to face the music. (20:51):
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The independent shouts (21:01):
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Redcoats on the rampage continentals cry for their mummies in new jersey, (21:03):
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the mail bellows mecca madness gunmen (21:09):
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grab mosque claim imam is the messiah and that's your lot from me martin bang (21:13):
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and the rest of the newsbang team good night don't let the historical facts (21:20):
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bite Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (21:25):
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Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. (21:31):
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All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. (21:36):
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Good night. (21:40):
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