December 5, 2024 • 39 mins
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Newsbang: A Whimsical Voyage Through Time, Turbulence, and Terrors of Yore
In this eclectic edition of Newsbang, we traverse the annals of history, uncovering tales that range from papal decrees aimed at witch finders to the perplexing vanishings of naval aircraft. We explore the riotous intricacies of British naval shenanigans and the tumult of American social movements while peppering the narrative with commentary that is both incisive and absurd. Buckle up as we navigate a kaleidoscope of curious events that continue to shape our world today, all garnished with our signature humor and unapologetic irreverence.
SegmentsPapal Proclamations and Perplexing Witch Hunts We begin in the chilling depths of 1484, where Pope Innocent VIII sets the stage for a frenzied witch-hunt with his infamous papal bull. Join us as we discuss how Heinrich Kramer, arguably the most notorious kitten-purging inquisitor in history, was handed the authority to take down anyone accused of sinister misdeeds—all while we ponder whether the real threat was simply too many cats in one village.
A Culinary Catastrophe on the High Seas Fast forward to 1807, where British naval forces find themselves embroiled in the world's first maritime food fight off the coast of Java. With Rear Admiral Sir Edward Pellew at the helm, we recount how a naval altercation involved not just cannon fire but also competition for culinary supremacy, leaving Dutch vessels scuttling to avoid further embarrassment—proving that when it comes to war, nothing stirs one's appetite quite like an ill-fated tea rivalry.
A Triangular Mystery: The Unsung Fate of Flight 19 In a gripping twist from 1945, dive into the enigmatic tale of Flight 19 as five Navy torpedo bombers mysteriously vanish in the Bermuda Triangle, leaving a trail of whirling speculation. Alongside an ill-fated rescue mission, unfold the mysteries that have baffled aviation experts and conspiracy theorists alike, questioning if cosmic forces or just bad navigation were at play in this triangular conundrum.
Gun Control Debates and Societal Reflections Shift gears to the harrowing events of 2007 in Omaha, where a tragic mall shooting ignites a fervent debate on gun control and mental health resources across the nation. Our intrepid correspondent brings forth the chilling realities of that day, painting a stark picture of a community left grappling with grief, inciting conversations that continue to resonate—and raise difficult questions—today.
A Revolutionary Toast: Cheers to the Repeal of Prohibition Once again, the scene shifts to 1933, where America celebrates the repeal of Prohibition—the Great American Mistake. Our correspondent takes us through the exuberant streets of Washington, where citizens emerge from a decade-long dry spell, reveling in the newfound liberty to indulge. Revel in the triumph of individual freedom and commune with the nation’s joy as we toast to the good life, one cocktail at a time.
From Gridiron Glory to Environmental Protest Ending on a light-hearted note, we wind back to 1974 and revisit the Birmingham Americans' nail-biting World Bowl victory, blending sportsmanship with financial folly. Next, indulge in the outrageous tale of Shackleton's icy interactions with Mother Nature in 1916 and discover how a century ago, even ice had strong opinions about human intrusions. From football to environmentalist protests, we highlight the absurdity of our past while creating a warm glow of hope for the future.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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Speaker5: On the Newsbang tonight. (00:10):
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Speaker5: Pope's bull sets bulldozer on witches of Germany. (00:14):
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Speaker5: Give me the Dutch cap or we'll shoot the ship. And the truth behind Flight 19, (00:19):
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Speaker5: the secret in the triangles. (00:26):
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Speaker5: Plus, coming up, I try to find my way out of the King's Head pub while covering (00:30):
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Speaker5: the accountant's drinking competition finals. (00:34):
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Speaker5: The final rap, with a bang, is nigh. (00:39):
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Speaker1: A news bang, wading through the swamp of deception, chest deep in truth. (00:45):
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Speaker5: 1484 Breaking news from medieval Europe where Pope Innocent VIII, (00:54):
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Speaker5: a man so innocent he had to tell everyone in his name, has issued what experts (00:59):
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Speaker5: are calling history's first restraining order against magic. (01:04):
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Speaker5: The papal bull, essentially a fancy way of saying, because I said so, (01:07):
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Speaker5: has given full authority to Heinrich Kramer, a man described by contemporaries (01:12):
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Speaker5: as that weird guy who keeps accusing his neighbor's cat of socialism. (01:17):
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Speaker2: Kramer, who had previously been laughed out of several German towns for suggesting (01:22):
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Speaker2: that bad weather was caused by women who own more than three pets, (01:27):
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Speaker2: can now officially investigate anyone suspected of making milk go sour or causing (01:30):
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Speaker2: impotence in livestock. (01:36):
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Speaker5: Local peasant Gunther von Peasington expressed concerns. (01:38):
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Speaker5: First, they came for the witches, then they came for the people who look a bit (01:42):
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Speaker5: like witches, and now they're coming for anyone who's ever patted a black cat (01:47):
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Speaker5: or grown suspicious-looking herbs. (01:51):
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Speaker3: The Pope's document (01:54):
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Speaker2: Specifically mentions crop failure, suggesting that medieval farming techniques (01:55):
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Speaker2: might not be the problem. It's definitely Susan from two hovels down who keeps (02:00):
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Speaker2: muttering about her arthritis. (02:05):
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Speaker1: 1807. (02:07):
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Speaker5: Shocking scenes from Java today as British naval forces engaged in what witnesses (02:09):
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Speaker5: describe as history's first maritime food fight. (02:14):
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Speaker5: Rear Admiral Sir Edward Pellew, described by colleagues as a bit tetchy before (02:18):
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Speaker5: his morning tea, launched an unexpected assault on Dutch vessels, (02:22):
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Speaker5: a greasy port, causing three ships to dramatically sink themselves in embarrassment. . (02:26):
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Speaker2: Local fisherman Pak Bambang reported seeing the British ships approaching while (02:32):
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Speaker2: making rude gestures with their cannon ports. (02:36):
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Speaker2: It was most unseemly, he said. They were shouting something about tea-trading (02:39):
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Speaker2: rights and making whooshing noises with their mouths. (02:45):
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Speaker5: The Dutch commander, caught literally with his pants down while bathing, (02:47):
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Speaker5: ordered his ships to be scuttled rather than face the shame of capture. (02:52):
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Speaker5: Better to sleep with the fishes than explain this mess to Napoleon, (02:56):
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Speaker5: he was heard to mutter while climbing out of his bathtub, (02:59):
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Speaker2: Maritime experts have praised the British tactical innovation of threatening (03:03):
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Speaker2: to sing sea shanties badly until the enemy surrendered. (03:07):
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Speaker2: The Dutch ships reportedly sank themselves just to avoid hearing another chorus (03:11):
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Speaker2: of, What shall we do with the drunken sailor? (03:15):
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Speaker5: 1945 Chaos erupted in the Bermuda Triangle today as five US Navy torpedo bombers (03:19):
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Speaker5: vanished into thin air, followed swiftly by their would-be rescuers who also (03:25):
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Speaker5: disappeared, presumably into the same air. (03:30):
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Speaker5: The incident occurred during what officials are calling a perfectly routine (03:32):
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Speaker5: training exercise that went catastrophically wrong when the entire sky ate them. (03:36):
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Speaker2: Eyewitness Bertram Wobble, a passing pelican, described seeing the aircraft (03:43):
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Speaker2: flying in circles like a bunch of drunken seagulls before they were sucked into (03:47):
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Speaker2: what appeared to be a giant cosmic washing machine. (03:52):
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Speaker5: The Navy's immediate response was to send another plane to investigate, (03:55):
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Speaker5: which promptly disappeared as well, leading Admiral Chester Numwit to declare, (04:00):
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Speaker5: well, that didn't bloody work, did it? (04:04):
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Speaker2: Local fisherman Jimmy the Squid claims he saw the whole thing. First they were there, (04:07):
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Speaker3: Then they weren't there, (04:12):
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Speaker2: Then the rescue plane wasn't there either. It's like the sky got hungry and (04:13):
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Speaker2: decided to have Americans for dinner. (04:17):
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Speaker5: The Pentagon has responded by declaring the Bermuda Triangle an official no-go (04:19):
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Speaker5: zone for things that want to keep existing. (04:24):
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Speaker1: UD News Bang, smashing the piñata of misinformation and sharing the spoils. (04:28):
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Speaker5: And now, the nation's favourite poet of precipitation, bard of barometric pressure, (04:37):
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Speaker5: and maestro of meteorological mayhem, here's Shakanaka Giles with tomorrow's frosty forecast. (04:42):
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Speaker6: Right then, south-east England's getting a proper winter wallop tomorrow. (04:58):
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Speaker6: Temperatures dropping faster than granny's dentures in ice water hovering around (05:03):
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Speaker6: two de Grangsea. Bundle up, you lot. (05:07):
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Speaker6: Midlands looking bleaker than a penguin's breakfast. (05:13):
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Speaker6: Expect snow flurries thicker than Christmas pudding with winds that'll knock Santa's hat clean off. (05:16):
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Speaker6: Up north, it's proper brass monkeys weather. Glasgow's getting an arctic blast (05:24):
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Speaker6: that will freeze the whiskers off a highland cow. (05:29):
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Speaker6: Expect ice patches slicker than a banker's excuse. (05:31):
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Speaker3: Whales? (05:37):
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Speaker6: Well, the sheep will need their thermal underwear. Looking at your monomisties (05:38):
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Speaker6: with a chance of snow heavy enough to build yourself a proper Welsh igloo. (05:43):
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Speaker6: In summary then, frozen noses, slippery toeses and weather cold enough to make (05:51):
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Speaker6: a polar bear book a holiday. And that's all the weather. (05:57):
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Speaker5: In a tale of maritime mayhem from this day in 1807, British forces under Rear (06:13):
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Speaker5: Admiral Sir Edward Pellew launched a fiery assault on Dutch ships at greasy port Java. (06:19):
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Speaker5: The result? Three Dutch vessels scuttled, one might say, in a display of nautical (06:24):
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Speaker5: self-destruction worthy of a tragic opera. (06:30):
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Speaker5: Part of the larger Java campaign during the Napoleonic Wars, (06:33):
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Speaker5: this bold manoeuvre secured Britain's colonial trade routes and left the Dutch (06:37):
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Speaker5: squadron under Rear Admiral Hartsink with little more than soggy regrets. (06:41):
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Speaker5: To dredge up more details, we turn now to our naval historian in the field, Brian Bastable. (06:45):
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Speaker1: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the steaming waters off Greasy, (06:52):
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Speaker1: where just moments ago I witnessed three Dutch ships performing what can only (06:57):
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Speaker1: be described as an elaborate suicide. (07:01):
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Speaker1: The British fleet arrived with all the subtlety of a drunk elephant at a china (07:04):
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Speaker1: shop, demanding surrender with such politeness it brought tears to my remaining eye. (07:08):
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Speaker1: The Dutch captain's response was, shall we say, anatomically impossible and (07:17):
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Speaker1: culturally insensitive. (07:23):
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Speaker1: Now the air is thick with what the locals call flying death nuggets. (07:24):
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Speaker1: Grapeshot to you and me. And I've already lost two wigs to cannonball fire. (07:30):
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Speaker1: The Dutch are scuttling their own ships. There goes another one sinking with (07:38):
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Speaker1: all the grace of a piano falling down a flight of stairs. (07:43):
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Speaker1: The crew are abandoning ship faster than rats from a burning bakery, (07:46):
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Speaker1: though the rats usually have better swimming technique. (07:51):
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Speaker1: Oh, that was a good one. I've just been splashed with what I believe was previously someone's lunch. (07:56):
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Speaker3: The British are advancing (08:03):
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Speaker1: With such determination you'd think someone had insulted their tea. (08:05):
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Speaker1: Rear Admiral Pellew is standing on the quarterdeck looking absolutely magnificent, (08:09):
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Speaker1: though he could do with a bit more color in his uniform. (08:14):
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Speaker1: Perhaps some red splashes to match the carnage around him. (08:17):
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Speaker1: The water here is becoming increasingly crowded (08:22):
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Speaker1: with floating debris swimming sailors and what (08:26):
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Speaker1: appears to be yes a ship's cat riding (08:29):
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Speaker1: triumphantly atop an overturned barrel of gunpowder nature always finds a way (08:32):
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Speaker1: brian bastable newsbang currently clinging to a piece of floating wreckage somewhere (08:37):
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Speaker1: off the coast of java back to you in the studio if i'm not eaten by sharks first (08:44):
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Speaker1: It is a situm, (08:51):
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Speaker2: 2007 Tragedy struck (08:53):
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Speaker2: Omaha on this day in 2007 when (08:56):
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Speaker2: 19-year-old Robert Hawkins opened fire at Westroads Mall killing eight and wounding (08:59):
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Speaker2: five before taking his own life A chilling suicide note and a history of mental (09:05):
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Speaker2: health struggles painted a harrowing picture igniting fierce debates on gun (09:10):
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Speaker2: control and mental health resources across the United States (09:15):
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Speaker2: In the aftermath, a zero-dollars-one-cent-million-victim fund was established. (09:19):
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Speaker2: But questions linger about how such horrors can be prevented. (09:25):
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Speaker2: For more, we turn to our crime correspondent, Ken Schitt, reporting from Omaha. (09:29):
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Speaker4: I'm standing here at the West Roads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska, (09:36):
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Speaker4: where just hours ago some spineless piece of human garbage decided to write (09:40):
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Speaker4: himself into history with the blood of innocent shoppers. (09:45):
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Speaker4: The perp, a 19-year-old waste of oxygen named Robert Hawkins, (09:49):
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Speaker4: walked into Von Moore department store like he was shopping for socks, (09:53):
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Speaker4: then unleashed hell on unsuspecting citizens who were just trying to buy Christmas (09:57):
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Speaker4: presents for their loved ones. (10:02):
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Speaker4: Eight beautiful souls were ripped from this earth before this coward turned (10:06):
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Speaker4: the gun on himself, making it nine bodies total. (10:10):
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Speaker4: His own mother had his suicide note in her hands just an hour before, (10:14):
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Speaker4: A note saying he wanted to be famous. (10:18):
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Speaker4: Well, congratulations. You pathetic excuse for a human being. You're famous now. (10:22):
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Speaker4: The mall looks like a war zone, designer handbags splattered with blood, (10:31):
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Speaker4: shopping bags dropped in terror, Christmas decorations peppered with bullet holes. (10:35):
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Speaker4: This is the deadliest shooting Nebraska's seen since Charles Starkweather's rampage, back in 58. (10:40):
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Speaker4: And let me tell you something, it makes me sick to my stomach. (10:46):
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Speaker4: The community's already raised over a million dollars for the victims' families, (10:51):
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Speaker4: but money won't bring back their loved ones. (10:55):
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Speaker4: Money won't untraumatise the survivors And money sure as hell won't explain (10:57):
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Speaker4: why this keeps happening in our country (11:03):
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Speaker4: This is Ken Schitt Reporting from a place that should have been filled with (11:06):
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Speaker4: holiday cheer But instead became a monument to mankind's capacity for evil (11:10):
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Speaker5: 1916 And now the year 1916 When H.H. (11:16):
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Speaker5: Asquith stepped down as UK Prime Minister Leaving the nation in a state of political (11:20):
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Speaker5: bedlam the Liberal Party in tatters, and the war effort in what experts call a bit of a pickle. (11:25):
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Speaker5: From the Shell Crisis to the Gallipoli debacle, Asquith's leadership crumbled (11:31):
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Speaker5: faster than a poorly baked scone. (11:36):
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Speaker5: Enter David Lloyd George, the man with a plan, or at least a decent haircut. (11:39):
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Speaker5: To untangle this historical knot, we turn to our political correspondent, Hardeman Pesto, (11:45):
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Speaker3: Yes, Martin. (11:52):
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Speaker1: I'm here outside number 10 with noted political historian Lady Prudence Codswabble. (11:53):
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Speaker1: The mood is tense as Prime Minister Asquith prepares to tender his resignation. (11:59):
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Speaker5: Actually, he's already resigned. No, he hasn't. (12:03):
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Speaker1: I can see him through the window having tea. (12:06):
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Speaker5: Pesto, what's the reaction among cabinet members? (12:09):
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Speaker1: Well, Martin, Lloyd George is absolutely furious. He's just stormed past me (12:12):
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Speaker1: shouting, I'll show them how to run a war. (12:17):
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Speaker5: Mr Pesto, I must point out that Lloyd George was actually in Wales at the time. (12:20):
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Speaker1: No, that was definitely him. Unmistakable moustache. (12:25):
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Speaker5: That was the milkman, wasn't it, Pesto? (12:29):
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Speaker1: Could have been, Martin. The moustaches were very similar in 1916. (12:32):
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Speaker5: And what's the word on Asquith's final moments in power? (12:36):
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Speaker1: Well, he's just thrown a teacup at the wall and declared, Damn the shells, damn them all to hell. (12:40):
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Speaker5: That absolutely did not happen. The Prime Minister left with dignity after a (12:45):
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Speaker5: private audience with the King. (12:51):
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Speaker1: Are you sure? Because I distinctly heard the China smashing. (12:53):
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Speaker5: Pesto, are you actually outside number 10? (12:57):
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Speaker1: Define outside. (13:00):
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Speaker5: Where are you? (13:01):
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Speaker1: I'm in the vicinity. Very near. Practically adjacent. (13:02):
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Speaker5: You're in the pub across the street, aren't you? (13:07):
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Speaker1: The Red Lion has an excellent view of constitutional crisis, Martin. (13:09):
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Speaker5: Ladies and gentlemen, Hardiman Pesto reporting on the resignation of H.H. (13:13):
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Speaker5: Asquith from what I can only assume is his fourth pint. (13:18):
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Speaker1: 1933. In America today, in 1933, (13:22):
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Speaker2: The 21st Amendment officially repealed prohibition, bringing the nationwide (13:26):
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Speaker2: ban on alcohol to a celebratory halt. (13:31):
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Speaker2: Economists cheered, organized crime groups frowned, and bartenders everywhere (13:34):
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Speaker2: resumed shaking martinis with gusto. (13:39):
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Speaker2: The unique ratification process by state conventions has been heralded as democracy's (13:43):
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Speaker2: quirky cousin, while the return of legal alcohol sales marks a seismic cultural shift. (13:48):
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Speaker2: Federal and state governments now squabble over who gets to regulate the booze. (13:54):
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Speaker3: Here with more, our American correspondent, (13:59):
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Speaker2: Melody Wintergreen. (14:03):
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Speaker0: This is Melody Wintergreen, reporting live from the streets of Washington, D.C. (14:09):
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Speaker0: On this historic day, December 5, 1933. (14:14):
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Speaker0: The nation is in the throes of jubilation as the curtain falls on the dark era of Prohibition. (14:18):
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Speaker0: After nearly 14 years of a nationwide ban on the production, (14:24):
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Speaker0: transportation, and sale of alcoholic beverages, the 21st Amendment has been (14:28):
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Speaker0: ratified, returning the regulation of liquor to the individual states. (14:33):
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Speaker0: The Capitol is awash in a sea of revelry, as Americans from all walks of life (14:41):
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Speaker0: spill out onto the streets to celebrate the end of this disastrous social experiment. (14:46):
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Speaker0: Saloons and speakeasies that (14:51):
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Speaker0: had been shuttered for over a decade are now throwing open their doors. (14:53):
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Speaker3: Their owners eager to quench the public's thirst. (14:58):
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Speaker0: The chime of cash registers and the clinking of glasses echo through the air (15:01):
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Speaker0: as a thirsty populace eagerly indulges in long-denied libations. (15:06):
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Speaker0: But this is no mere drunken revelry. No, this is a moment of profound societal transformation. (15:15):
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Speaker0: The repeal of prohibition marks the triumph of common sense over misguided moralism (15:23):
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Speaker0: and the restoration of personal liberty. (15:29):
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Speaker0: As one reveler, Hank Hooch, Hoover, proclaims, no more will the feds come knocking (15:32):
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Speaker0: on my door, trying to take away my hooch. (15:40):
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Speaker0: This is America, dang it, and we're going to drink what we please. (15:42):
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Speaker0: The economic implications of this momentous decision are equally staggering (15:50):
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Speaker0: Breweries, distilleries and countless ancillary industries that had been crippled (15:54):
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Speaker0: by the ban are now poised for a resurgence, (15:59):
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Speaker0: promising a much-needed boost to the nation's economy Estimates suggest that (16:02):
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Speaker0: the federal government alone stands to reap a windfall of over $5 0 cents a (16:07):
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Speaker0: million in annual tax revenue from the legal sale of alcohol, (16:12):
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Speaker0: But the true significance of this day lies not in the flow of liquor or the (16:19):
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Speaker0: flow of cash, but in the restoration of individual freedom. (16:24):
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Speaker0: As prohibition activist Donna Doubtfire laments, the government had no right (16:28):
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Speaker0: to tell us what we could and couldn't put in our own bodies. (16:33):
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Speaker0: This is a victory for personal liberty, plain and simple. (16:37):
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Speaker0: And so, as the sun sets on this historic day, the people of America raise their (16:44):
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Speaker0: glasses in a toast to the end of an era. (16:49):
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Speaker0: The Volstead Act is dead, and with it, the specter of federal overreach that (16:52):
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Speaker0: had cast a pall over the nation for far too long. (16:57):
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Speaker0: This, my friends, is the dawn of a new age of personal freedom and responsibility. (17:01):
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Speaker0: Cheers to that! (17:07):
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Speaker0: Melody Wintergreen, Newsbang, reporting live from the streets of a newly liberated Washington, D.C. (17:09):
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Speaker5: 1945 And now, a mystery that has baffled naval historians and conspiracy theorists alike. (17:17):
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Speaker5: On this day, in 1945, five U.S. (17:24):
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Speaker5: Navy torpedo bombers of Flight 19 vanished into the Bermuda Triangle during (17:28):
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Speaker5: what was meant to be a routine training mission. (17:32):
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Speaker5: Navigational chaos, instrument malfunctions, and weather that could only be (17:36):
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Speaker5: described as uncooperative led to their disappearance, along with a rescue aircraft (17:39):
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Speaker5: sent to find them. No trace was ever found. (17:43):
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Speaker5: Joining us now with the history-mystery-gistry, Bertrand Spitfire. (17:47):
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Speaker1: Ah yes, the curious case of Flight 19, a veritable interstellar riddle wrapped (17:58):
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Speaker1: in a mystery, shrouded in a rather perplexing fog of disappearance. (18:04):
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Speaker1: On the fifth rotation of the 12th lunar cycle in the year 1945, (18:11):
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Speaker1: a squadron of five Grumman TBM Avenger torpedo bombers, collectively known as Flight 19, (18:16):
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Speaker1: took to the skies from a quaint little spaceport called the Naval Air Station in Fort Lauderdale. (18:24):
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Speaker1: Their mission? A routine navigation training exercise. (18:30):
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Speaker1: Hardly the stuff of legends. (18:35):
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Speaker1: Leading this merry band of aviators was one Lieutenant Charles Taylor, (18:39):
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Speaker1: a seasoned pilot with over 2,500 light-year cycles under his belt. (18:45):
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Speaker1: One would assume such an experienced navigator could find his way through the (18:51):
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Speaker1: cosmos with his eyes closed. (18:56):
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Speaker1: But alas, the fickle nature of the universe had other plans. (18:58):
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Speaker1: As the flight progressed, Taylor's instruments, those trusty companions of the (19:04):
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Speaker1: skies, began to betray him. (19:10):
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Speaker1: His compasses, those infallible guides, suddenly found themselves lost, (19:12):
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Speaker1: adrift in the vast expanse. (19:18):
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Speaker1: Disoriented, our dear lieutenant found himself questioning whether he hovered (19:20):
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Speaker1: over the mysterious Floridian Keys or the elusive Bahamian Archipelago, (19:25):
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Speaker1: A veritable cosmic conundrum, if ever there was one. (19:30):
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Speaker1: With fuel running low and the weather taking a turn for the worse, (19:37):
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Speaker1: the situation grew increasingly dire. (19:42):
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Speaker1: Taylor's increasingly frantic transmissions painted a picture of a pilot utterly (19:45):
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Speaker1: at the mercy of the capricious cosmos. (19:50):
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Speaker1: The ground crew, no doubt scratching their heads in bewilderment, (19:54):
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Speaker1: could only listen helplessly as the flight disappeared into the ominous Bermuda (19:58):
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Speaker1: Triangle, a region of space known for its penchant for devouring the unwary. (20:04):
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Speaker1: But the tale does not end there, dear listeners. (20:11):
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Speaker1: In a twist worthy of the most imaginative intergalactic drama, (20:15):
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Speaker1: a rescue mission was launched, a Martin Mariner PBM spacecraft with 13 brave souls aboard. (20:19):
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Speaker1: Alas, this ill-fated vessel too succumbed to the voracious maw of the triangle, (20:27):
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Speaker3: Never to be seen again. (20:32):
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Speaker1: And so the mystery deepens. A cosmic riddle that has vexed the finest minds (20:35):
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Speaker1: of this humble blue-green orb. (20:41):
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Speaker1: What became of Flight 19? (20:43):
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Speaker1: Did they venture too far into the unknown, only to be swallowed by the very fabric of reality? (20:46):
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Speaker1: Or, perhaps, they discovered secrets of the universe that mere mortal eyes were not meant to behold. (20:53):
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Speaker1: The truth, my friends, remains shrouded in the mists of time, (20:59):
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Speaker1: a testament to the enduring enigmas that dot the celestial canvas. (21:04):
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Speaker1: A news bang illuminating the dark corners of deception with a flamethrower of facts. (21:21):
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Speaker1: 1974. (21:29):
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Speaker5: Ryder Boff, our man with an eye for the extraordinary and a knack for finding (21:30):
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Speaker5: drama even in a game of soggy biscuits, (21:35):
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Speaker3: Is to deliver the tale of Birmingham's gridiron glory. Over to you, Ryder. (21:37):
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Speaker6: And now, direct from 1974, we bring you the sporting spectacle of the century, (21:48):
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Speaker6: or at least this Thursday. (21:53):
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Speaker6: The Birmingham Americans have clinched victory in the World Bowl, (21:54):
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Speaker6: defeating the Florida Blazers 22-21 at Legion Field. (21:58):
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Speaker6: I haven't seen such excitement since my Aunt Mildred won the Preston Indoor (22:01):
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Speaker6: Bowls Championship using nothing but a frozen guinea pig and a length of rubber hosing. (22:06):
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Speaker6: The Americans quarterback George, the human catapult mirror, (22:13):
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Speaker6: threw the pigskin around Legion Field like a butcher juggling sausages at a (22:17):
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Speaker6: vegetarian convention. (22:20):
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Speaker6: 206 yards ladies and gentlemen That's longer than my second marriage Lasted (22:21):
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Speaker6: Speaking of which Sharon If you're watching I want my Barry Manilow records back (22:27):
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Speaker6: The crowd of 32,000 were packed tighter than my corduroy trousers after Christmas dinner at the in-laws. (22:38):
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Speaker6: Although, I must say, the hot dog vendor, sweaty Pete Thompson, (22:43):
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Speaker6: was doing a roaring trade. (22:48):
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Speaker6: Mind you, nobody quite knew what meat he was using. Could have been anything. Could have been anyone. (22:49):
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Speaker6: The Florida Blazers put up a magnificent fight, led by their star running back, (22:58):
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Speaker6: Thunderthighs McGee, whose legs are insured for more money than the entire city (23:02):
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Speaker6: of Birmingham can afford to pay its players, which brings me rather awkwardly (23:06):
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Speaker6: to the financial situation. (23:10):
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Speaker6: The Americans may have won the trophy, but they're about as solvent as a chocolate teapot in a sauna. (23:12):
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Speaker6: The team's owner, Big Money Johnson, though perhaps no money Johnson would be (23:22):
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Speaker6: more appropriate, was last seen trying to pay the stadium rental fee with a (23:26):
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Speaker6: collection of rare stamps and what he claimed was Elvis Presley's toenail clippings. (23:30):
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Speaker6: Reminds me of the time I tried to barter my way into the BBC canteen with a (23:34):
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Speaker6: signed photo of Des Linham. (23:38):
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Speaker6: Still, what a historic moment for the World Football League, (23:43):
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Speaker6: the first World Bowl and quite possibly the last, given the current financial climate. (23:47):
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Speaker6: But as my old PE teacher used to say, just before he was arrested for stealing (23:51):
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Speaker6: the school hamster, it's not whether you win or lose it's whether you can afford the bus fare home. (23:55):
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Speaker6: This is Ryder Boff reporting from 1974 where the future of football is as bright (24:10):
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Speaker6: as a miner's lamp and twice as uncertain. (24:16):
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Speaker6: Back to the studio where I believe Calamity Prenderville is about to explain (24:19):
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Speaker6: why we'll all be living on Mars by 1980. (24:23):
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Speaker2: Nope. It's Penelope Windchime now, (24:32):
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Speaker2: with a chilling tale of environmental protest from over a century ago. (24:34):
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Speaker2: The ice has spoken, and so has Penelope. (24:39):
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Speaker0: EnviraNews flashback. I'm Penelope Windchime, and exactly 109 years ago today, (24:44):
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Speaker0: Mother Earth showed her icy displeasure at human intrusion by eating Ernest Shackleton's boat. (24:51):
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Speaker0: The endurance, which was made entirely of sustainable Victorian mahogany and (24:56):
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Speaker0: recycled penguin beaks, became trapped in what scientists now believe was the (25:01):
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Speaker0: world's first protest ice. (25:06):
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Speaker0: The crew survived by learning to speak fluent seal and adopting several innovative (25:13):
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Speaker0: survival techniques, including wearing each other as hats and taking turns being the ship's biscuit. (25:18):
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Speaker0: Shackleton, who had previously won Brighton's Most Ecological Explorer Award (25:24):
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Speaker0: three years running, led his men across the frozen wasteland in a small boat (25:29):
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Speaker0: made of compressed hope and desperation. (25:34):
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Speaker0: The expedition's failure to reach the South Pole was actually a triumph for (25:41):
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Speaker0: the environment, as the Pole later admitted in private correspondence that it (25:45):
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Speaker0: wasn't ready for visitors. (25:50):
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Speaker0: Today, the ice that trapped the Endurance is kept in a special museum in Norway, (25:52):
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Speaker0: where it occasionally writes poetry about its famous encounter. (25:57):
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Speaker0: I'm Penelope Windchime, and remember, if you're going to the Antarctic, (26:06):
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Speaker0: always pack a spare planet. (26:09):
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Speaker5: Now, when it comes to travel chaos, groundbreaking roads and airborne mysteries, (26:11):
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Speaker5: no one unravels it all quite like Polly Beep. (26:16):
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Speaker5: She's here with the latest dispatch from Preston to Nakchivan. (26:19):
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Speaker3: Good evening, road warriors. (26:25):
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Speaker2: Breaking news from Preston, where Britain's very first motorway has just opened (26:27):
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Speaker2: its gleaming tarmac to traffic. (26:31):
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Speaker2: The Preston bypass is causing quite the commotion, with drivers actually stopping to kiss the surface. (26:33):
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Speaker2: Yes, that's right. We're seeing significant delays due to excessive road romance near Junction 29. (26:38):
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Speaker3: So James Drake's (26:47):
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Speaker2: Revolutionary design includes these fancy, grade-separated junctions, (26:48):
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Speaker2: though several confused motorists have been spotted trying to have their tea (26:53):
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Speaker2: there, thinking it's some sort of elevated cafe service. (26:57):
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Speaker2: Meanwhile, in Nakchevan, we're getting reports of severe disruption as Azerbaijan (27:04):
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Speaker2: Airlines Flight 56 has experienced what we're calling a significant gravitational event. (27:09):
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Speaker2: Do avoid the area if possible, especially if you're operating heavy machinery (27:15):
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Speaker2: or indeed another aircraft. (27:19):
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Speaker2: Back in (27:26):
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Speaker3: Preston, the Samlesbury Bridge (27:26):
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Speaker2: Construction is causing tailbacks as hundreds of engineers gather to marvel (27:28):
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Speaker2: at its innovative design. (27:32):
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Speaker2: Several have been removed after attempting to measure it with their bodies, (27:33):
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Speaker2: lying end to end across the carriageway. (27:37):
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Speaker2: And finally, on the A6 heading north, we're seeing delays caused by Morris dancers (27:42):
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Speaker2: celebrating this momentous motorway occasion. (27:48):
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Speaker2: They formed a conga line across three lanes, and traffic is now moving at approximately (27:51):
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Speaker2: two steps forward, one step back. (27:56):
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Speaker2: This is Polly Beep, reminding you that whether you're in Preston or Nakchevan, (28:02):
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Speaker2: always check your engines, both of them before departure. (28:06):
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Speaker1: The 13th, 1952. (28:11):
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Speaker2: And now, our resident oracle of all things experimental and occasionally incomprehensible, (28:14):
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Speaker2: Calamity Prenderville, with a deep dive into the foggy world of British scientific ingenuity. (28:22):
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Speaker2: Good evening, Science Watchers. On this day in 1952, Britain demonstrated its (28:39):
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Speaker2: mastery of weather manipulation with the Great London Smog, (28:44):
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Speaker2: a revolutionary attempt to combat the Cold War by creating an impenetrable fog (28:48):
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Speaker2: shield over our capital city. (28:52):
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Speaker2: Using cutting-edge British coal technology developed in Basildon, (28:56):
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Speaker5: World-famous weather, London was successfully hidden from view for five days. (29:00):
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Speaker5: The fog was so effective that people couldn't see their own feet, (29:05):
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Speaker5: leading to the invention of the foot-finding stick, a revolutionary device still (29:09):
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Speaker5: used by Morris dancers today. (29:13):
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Speaker2: The smog was created using a perfect blend of coal smoke, industrial emissions (29:17):
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Speaker2: and what scientists called genuine British weather. (29:22):
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Speaker2: It was so thick that pigeons had to walk, buses were led by men with torches (29:25):
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Speaker2: and several people reportedly arrived at work three days late thinking it was still Tuesday. (29:29):
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Speaker5: The experiment was perhaps too successful, leading to the Clean Air Act of 1956, (29:37):
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Speaker5: which banned excessive smog creation except during bank holidays and cricket matches. (29:41):
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Speaker5: The technology was later exported to Los Angeles, though their attempts to recreate (29:47):
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Speaker5: it resulted in what they now call smog, a weak American imitation of our superior British fog. (29:51):
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Speaker2: Some say the Great Smog was an accident, but we know better. (29:59):
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Speaker2: It was British innovation at its finest, even if it did accidentally cause 12,000 (30:03):
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Speaker2: people to pop their clogs. (30:07):
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Speaker2: This is Calamity Prenderville, reminding you that sometimes the best scientific (30:09):
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Speaker2: advances are the ones you can't see through. Back to the studio. (30:13):
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Speaker1: News bang, lighting the midnight candle of knowledge in the Hall of Truth. (30:23):
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Speaker5: Known for blending royal affairs with wit as sharp as a corgi's teeth, (30:29):
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Speaker5: Sandy O'Shaughnessy is our regal raconteur, ready to turn history into hilarity (30:34):
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Speaker5: with his own unique flair. (30:39):
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Speaker3: Ah, good evening (30:46):
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Speaker1: To you all. And what an evening it is. Sandy O'Shaughnessy here, (30:47):
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Speaker1: taking over from the illustrious Martin Bang at Newsbang Towers. (30:51):
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Speaker1: The kettle's just boiled, and I've got my special evening blend of tea. (30:55):
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Speaker1: Though, between you and me, it might have a drop of something stronger in it. (30:58):
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Speaker1: But don't tell the management. (31:01):
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Speaker1: Speaking of strong spirits, let me tell you about a rather peculiar homecoming (31:06):
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Speaker1: that happened back in 1939 now pedro the second of brazil there's a fellow who (31:10):
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Speaker1: had quite the journey even after he'd shuffled off this mortal coil imagine (31:16):
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Speaker1: being told you can't even rest in peace in your own country (31:22):
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Speaker1: it's like being banned from your local pub only considerably more permanent (31:26):
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Speaker1: you see poor pedro was given the royal boot back in 1889 sent packing to portugal (31:34):
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Speaker1: faster than my Aunt Mare's Christmas pudding clearing a room. (31:40):
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Speaker1: But here's the thing about the Brazilian people. (31:43):
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Speaker1: They're a... (31:47):
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Speaker1: Forgiving lot. By 1939, they'd decided that maybe old Pedro wasn't such a bad egg after all. (31:51):
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Speaker1: I've just received a letter from Dorothy in Dundalk who writes, (32:05):
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Speaker1: Dear Sandy, My husband's been exiled to the garden shed for 50 years. Should I let him back in? (32:09):
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Speaker1: Well, Dorothy, if Brazil can welcome back their former emperor's remains after (32:15):
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Speaker1: 50 years, perhaps it's time to consider a similar act of mercy. (32:21):
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Speaker1: The whole affair reminds me of that time my cousin Seamus tried to return his (32:28):
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Speaker1: mother-in-law's ashes to the wrong cemetery. (32:32):
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Speaker1: Though in his defense, all urns do look remarkably similar after a few pints of Guinness, (32:34):
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Speaker1: But back to Pedro, they gave him quite the welcome home, I must say. (32:42):
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Speaker1: Full state honors and everything. It's like that episode of Dallas where J.R. (32:47):
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Speaker1: Came back from the dead, only with considerably more actual death involved. (32:52):
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Speaker1: And speaking of returns, Mrs. O'Malley from Cork has written in to say she's (32:58):
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Speaker1: found a mysterious crown in her compost heap. Now, Mrs. (33:03):
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Speaker1: O'Malley, unless you are harboring any exiled monarchs in your vegetable patch, (33:07):
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Speaker1: I suggest you return it to the nearest fancy dress shop. (33:12):
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Speaker1: The time is ticking away faster than a Republican in a royal palace, (33:17):
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Speaker1: so I'll bid you farewell for now. (33:21):
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Speaker1: Keep those letters coming, and remember, even emperors eventually find their (33:23):
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Speaker1: way home, though sometimes it takes a bit longer than expected. (33:27):
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Speaker1: This is Sandy O'Shaughnessy saying goodnight. And as always See you later alligator (33:31):
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Speaker2: And now, to the year 1484, where Pope Innocent XIII has issued a papal bull (33:59):
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Speaker2: so dramatic, it could have been penned by a medieval soap opera writer. (34:06):
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Speaker2: Sumis Desiderantes Effectibus granted Inquisitor Heinrich Kramer the holy thumbs-up (34:10):
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Speaker2: to chase witches across Germany, accusing them of crimes ranging from crop sabotage (34:16):
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Speaker2: to presumably poor hat choices. (34:21):
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Speaker2: This decree, which added fuel to the broomstick of European witch hunts, (34:24):
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Speaker2: turned suspicion into systematic persecution, with thousands of innocent people, (34:29):
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Speaker2: mostly women, facing grim fates. (34:34):
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Speaker2: For more on this ecclesiastical endorsement of hysteria, we turn to Pastor Kevin Monstrance. (34:37):
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Speaker1: Good evening, blessed viewers. Before I begin tonight's tale of papal proclamations (34:51):
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Speaker1: and pointy hats, I must address the rather peculiar mood of our producer, (34:56):
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Speaker1: Martin Magic Fingers Bang. (35:01):
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Speaker1: He's been particularly tetchy since his unfortunate incident at the Medieval (35:03):
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Speaker1: Reenactment Society last weekend. (35:07):
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Speaker1: Apparently, he was playing a witch finder and got carried away with his character. (35:11):
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Speaker1: Ended up dunking the local women's institute in the duck pond. (35:17):
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Speaker1: Mrs Higgins from the cake stall was not amused. (35:22):
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Speaker1: Speaking of witch finding, let me tell you about Pope Innocent XIII. (35:28):
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Speaker1: Now there's a papal paradox if ever there was one, naming yourself Innocent (35:32):
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Speaker1: when you're about to authorise the biggest witch hunt since my mother-in-law (35:37):
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Speaker1: discovered my secret biscuit stash. (35:41):
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Speaker1: It reminds me of a joke about a Dominican friar who walks into a German tavern in 1484. (35:47):
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Speaker1: The bartender says, (35:54):
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Speaker3: Why the long (35:56):
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Speaker1: Face? The friar replies, I've been tasked with finding witches, (35:57):
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Speaker1: but I can't tell a witch from a washerwoman. (36:01):
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Speaker1: The bartender says, I can help. My wife's a witch. (36:04):
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Speaker1: The friar gets excited and asks, How can you tell? (36:08):
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Speaker1: The bartender replies, Well, she turned me into a newt. The friar looks confused (36:12):
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Speaker1: and says, you don't look like a newt. (36:17):
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Speaker1: The bartender shrugs and says, I got better. (36:20):
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Speaker1: But back to our friend Heinrich Kramer, the Dominican Inquisitor. (36:25):
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Speaker1: Now there was a chap who took his job seriously, rather like our producer Martin (36:29):
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Speaker1: when he's checking the tea-making rotor. (36:34):
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Speaker1: Heinrich wrote this charming little book called the Maleus Maleficarum, (36:37):
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Speaker1: Sort of a witchcraft for dummies, if you will. (36:43):
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Speaker1: You see, Heinrich had been having trouble getting local authorities to take (36:48):
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Speaker1: his witch hunting seriously. (36:51):
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Speaker1: Bit like me trying to convince Martin that my interpretative dance version of (36:53):
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Speaker1: the Spanish Inquisition would make great television. (36:57):
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Speaker1: So Heinrich went straight to the top, Pope Innocent the VIII, (37:00):
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Speaker1: and said, Your Holiness, I need more authority to hunt witches. (37:07):
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Speaker1: And the Pope said, Right you are, my son, here's a papal bull. (37:13):
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Speaker1: Which, I must say, sounds more like a threat than a solution. (37:17):
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Speaker1: The bull was called Sumis Desiderantes Effectibus, which I believe is Latin (37:21):
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Speaker1: for We're really quite keen on this witch-hunting business. (37:26):
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Speaker1: Though my Latin's a bit rusty since that incident with the Vatican choir and (37:30):
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Speaker1: the missing sheep music. (37:35):
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Speaker1: Still can't show my face in Rome without someone humming my way in Latin. But, (37:36):
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Speaker1: But here's the thing about witch hunting. It's all about looking for signs. (37:43):
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Speaker1: If someone floated, they were a witch. If they sank, they weren't. If they had a cat, witch. (37:46):
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Speaker1: If they could read, definitely a witch. If they made better cheese than their neighbours. (37:51):
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Speaker1: You better believe that's a witching. (37:56):
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Speaker1: Rather like our producer Martin's criteria for a good news story. (38:00):
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Speaker1: If it has a pun in the title, brilliant. (38:04):
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Speaker1: If it involves someone falling over, even better. If it has both, (38:06):
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Speaker1: he'll give you your own series. (38:09):
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Speaker1: The bartender in our joke, by the way, went on to become a very successful witchfinder himself. (38:13):
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Speaker1: His secret? He just pointed at random people and shouted, Witch! (38:18):
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Speaker1: It worked about as well as any other method at the time. And that, (38:22):
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Speaker1: my friends, is why you should always be nice to bartenders. (38:26):
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Speaker1: They might have been newts. (38:32):
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Speaker5: But you don't need them. (38:34):
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Speaker5: Tomorrow's tatters, hot off the presses. (38:39):
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Speaker3: Times. (38:42):
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Speaker5: Slavery scrapped by 13th Amendment. Lincoln says, good riddance. (38:44):
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Speaker5: Telegraph. Roosevelt rewrites Monroe Doctrine, now with added mustaches. (38:51):
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Speaker5: Guardian. Mexico mad as San Francisco sold for six beans. (38:58):
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Speaker5: And the crab and midget. Lusty sea slug disproves God Darwin declares I was right all along (39:05):
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Speaker5: And finally A reminder that the news is like a box of chocolates You never know (39:15):
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Speaker5: what you're going to get Unless you read the label I'm Martin Bang And that's the papers in pieces (39:21):
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Speaker1: Tune in next time For more artificially intelligent hilarity News Bang is a (39:29):
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Speaker1: comedy show written and recorded by AI. (39:36):
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Speaker1: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. (39:39):
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Speaker5: On the Newsbang tonight. (00:10):
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Speaker5: Pope's bull sets bulldozer on witches of Germany. (00:14):
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Speaker5: Give me the Dutch cap or we'll shoot the ship. And the truth behind Flight 19, (00:19):
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Speaker5: the secret in the triangles. (00:26):
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Speaker5: Plus, coming up, I try to find my way out of the King's Head pub while covering (00:30):
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Speaker5: the accountant's drinking competition finals. (00:34):
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Speaker5: The final rap, with a bang, is nigh. (00:39):
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Speaker1: A news bang, wading through the swamp of deception, chest deep in truth. (00:45):
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Speaker5: 1484 Breaking news from medieval Europe where Pope Innocent VIII, (00:54):
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Speaker5: a man so innocent he had to tell everyone in his name, has issued what experts (00:59):
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Speaker5: are calling history's first restraining order against magic. (01:04):
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Speaker5: The papal bull, essentially a fancy way of saying, because I said so, (01:07):
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Speaker5: has given full authority to Heinrich Kramer, a man described by contemporaries (01:12):
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Speaker5: as that weird guy who keeps accusing his neighbor's cat of socialism. (01:17):
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Speaker2: Kramer, who had previously been laughed out of several German towns for suggesting (01:22):
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Speaker2: that bad weather was caused by women who own more than three pets, (01:27):
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Speaker2: can now officially investigate anyone suspected of making milk go sour or causing (01:30):
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Speaker2: impotence in livestock. (01:36):
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Speaker5: Local peasant Gunther von Peasington expressed concerns. (01:38):
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Speaker5: First, they came for the witches, then they came for the people who look a bit (01:42):
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Speaker5: like witches, and now they're coming for anyone who's ever patted a black cat (01:47):
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Speaker5: or grown suspicious-looking herbs. (01:51):
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Speaker3: The Pope's document (01:54):
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Speaker2: Specifically mentions crop failure, suggesting that medieval farming techniques (01:55):
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Speaker2: might not be the problem. It's definitely Susan from two hovels down who keeps (02:00):
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Speaker2: muttering about her arthritis. (02:05):
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Speaker1: 1807. (02:07):
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Speaker5: Shocking scenes from Java today as British naval forces engaged in what witnesses (02:09):
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Speaker5: describe as history's first maritime food fight. (02:14):
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Speaker5: Rear Admiral Sir Edward Pellew, described by colleagues as a bit tetchy before (02:18):
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Speaker5: his morning tea, launched an unexpected assault on Dutch vessels, (02:22):
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Speaker5: a greasy port, causing three ships to dramatically sink themselves in embarrassment. . (02:26):
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Speaker2: Local fisherman Pak Bambang reported seeing the British ships approaching while (02:32):
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Speaker2: making rude gestures with their cannon ports. (02:36):
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Speaker2: It was most unseemly, he said. They were shouting something about tea-trading (02:39):
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Speaker2: rights and making whooshing noises with their mouths. (02:45):
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Speaker5: The Dutch commander, caught literally with his pants down while bathing, (02:47):
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Speaker5: ordered his ships to be scuttled rather than face the shame of capture. (02:52):
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Speaker5: Better to sleep with the fishes than explain this mess to Napoleon, (02:56):
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Speaker5: he was heard to mutter while climbing out of his bathtub, (02:59):
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Speaker2: Maritime experts have praised the British tactical innovation of threatening (03:03):
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Speaker2: to sing sea shanties badly until the enemy surrendered. (03:07):
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Speaker2: The Dutch ships reportedly sank themselves just to avoid hearing another chorus (03:11):
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Speaker2: of, What shall we do with the drunken sailor? (03:15):
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Speaker5: 1945 Chaos erupted in the Bermuda Triangle today as five US Navy torpedo bombers (03:19):
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Speaker5: vanished into thin air, followed swiftly by their would-be rescuers who also (03:25):
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Speaker5: disappeared, presumably into the same air. (03:30):
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Speaker5: The incident occurred during what officials are calling a perfectly routine (03:32):
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Speaker5: training exercise that went catastrophically wrong when the entire sky ate them. (03:36):
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Speaker2: Eyewitness Bertram Wobble, a passing pelican, described seeing the aircraft (03:43):
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Speaker2: flying in circles like a bunch of drunken seagulls before they were sucked into (03:47):
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Speaker2: what appeared to be a giant cosmic washing machine. (03:52):
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Speaker5: The Navy's immediate response was to send another plane to investigate, (03:55):
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Speaker5: which promptly disappeared as well, leading Admiral Chester Numwit to declare, (04:00):
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Speaker5: well, that didn't bloody work, did it? (04:04):
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Speaker2: Local fisherman Jimmy the Squid claims he saw the whole thing. First they were there, (04:07):
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Speaker3: Then they weren't there, (04:12):
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Speaker2: Then the rescue plane wasn't there either. It's like the sky got hungry and (04:13):
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Speaker2: decided to have Americans for dinner. (04:17):
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Speaker5: The Pentagon has responded by declaring the Bermuda Triangle an official no-go (04:19):
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Speaker5: zone for things that want to keep existing. (04:24):
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Speaker1: UD News Bang, smashing the piñata of misinformation and sharing the spoils. (04:28):
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Speaker5: And now, the nation's favourite poet of precipitation, bard of barometric pressure, (04:37):
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Speaker5: and maestro of meteorological mayhem, here's Shakanaka Giles with tomorrow's frosty forecast. (04:42):
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Speaker6: Right then, south-east England's getting a proper winter wallop tomorrow. (04:58):
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Speaker6: Temperatures dropping faster than granny's dentures in ice water hovering around (05:03):
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Speaker6: two de Grangsea. Bundle up, you lot. (05:07):
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Speaker6: Midlands looking bleaker than a penguin's breakfast. (05:13):
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Speaker6: Expect snow flurries thicker than Christmas pudding with winds that'll knock Santa's hat clean off. (05:16):
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Speaker6: Up north, it's proper brass monkeys weather. Glasgow's getting an arctic blast (05:24):
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Speaker6: that will freeze the whiskers off a highland cow. (05:29):
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Speaker6: Expect ice patches slicker than a banker's excuse. (05:31):
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Speaker3: Whales? (05:37):
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Speaker6: Well, the sheep will need their thermal underwear. Looking at your monomisties (05:38):
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Speaker6: with a chance of snow heavy enough to build yourself a proper Welsh igloo. (05:43):
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Speaker6: In summary then, frozen noses, slippery toeses and weather cold enough to make (05:51):
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Speaker6: a polar bear book a holiday. And that's all the weather. (05:57):
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Speaker5: In a tale of maritime mayhem from this day in 1807, British forces under Rear (06:13):
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Speaker5: Admiral Sir Edward Pellew launched a fiery assault on Dutch ships at greasy port Java. (06:19):
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Speaker5: The result? Three Dutch vessels scuttled, one might say, in a display of nautical (06:24):
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Speaker5: self-destruction worthy of a tragic opera. (06:30):
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Speaker5: Part of the larger Java campaign during the Napoleonic Wars, (06:33):
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Speaker5: this bold manoeuvre secured Britain's colonial trade routes and left the Dutch (06:37):
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Speaker5: squadron under Rear Admiral Hartsink with little more than soggy regrets. (06:41):
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Speaker5: To dredge up more details, we turn now to our naval historian in the field, Brian Bastable. (06:45):
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Speaker1: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the steaming waters off Greasy, (06:52):
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Speaker1: where just moments ago I witnessed three Dutch ships performing what can only (06:57):
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Speaker1: be described as an elaborate suicide. (07:01):
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Speaker1: The British fleet arrived with all the subtlety of a drunk elephant at a china (07:04):
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Speaker1: shop, demanding surrender with such politeness it brought tears to my remaining eye. (07:08):
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Speaker1: The Dutch captain's response was, shall we say, anatomically impossible and (07:17):
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Speaker1: culturally insensitive. (07:23):
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Speaker1: Now the air is thick with what the locals call flying death nuggets. (07:24):
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Speaker1: Grapeshot to you and me. And I've already lost two wigs to cannonball fire. (07:30):
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Speaker1: The Dutch are scuttling their own ships. There goes another one sinking with (07:38):
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Speaker1: all the grace of a piano falling down a flight of stairs. (07:43):
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Speaker1: The crew are abandoning ship faster than rats from a burning bakery, (07:46):
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Speaker1: though the rats usually have better swimming technique. (07:51):
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Speaker1: Oh, that was a good one. I've just been splashed with what I believe was previously someone's lunch. (07:56):
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Speaker3: The British are advancing (08:03):
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Speaker1: With such determination you'd think someone had insulted their tea. (08:05):
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Speaker1: Rear Admiral Pellew is standing on the quarterdeck looking absolutely magnificent, (08:09):
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Speaker1: though he could do with a bit more color in his uniform. (08:14):
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Speaker1: Perhaps some red splashes to match the carnage around him. (08:17):
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Speaker1: The water here is becoming increasingly crowded (08:22):
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Speaker1: with floating debris swimming sailors and what (08:26):
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Speaker1: appears to be yes a ship's cat riding (08:29):
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Speaker1: triumphantly atop an overturned barrel of gunpowder nature always finds a way (08:32):
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Speaker1: brian bastable newsbang currently clinging to a piece of floating wreckage somewhere (08:37):
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Speaker1: off the coast of java back to you in the studio if i'm not eaten by sharks first (08:44):
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Speaker1: It is a situm, (08:51):
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Speaker2: 2007 Tragedy struck (08:53):
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Speaker2: Omaha on this day in 2007 when (08:56):
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Speaker2: 19-year-old Robert Hawkins opened fire at Westroads Mall killing eight and wounding (08:59):
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Speaker2: five before taking his own life A chilling suicide note and a history of mental (09:05):
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Speaker2: health struggles painted a harrowing picture igniting fierce debates on gun (09:10):
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Speaker2: control and mental health resources across the United States (09:15):
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Speaker2: In the aftermath, a zero-dollars-one-cent-million-victim fund was established. (09:19):
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Speaker2: But questions linger about how such horrors can be prevented. (09:25):
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Speaker2: For more, we turn to our crime correspondent, Ken Schitt, reporting from Omaha. (09:29):
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Speaker4: I'm standing here at the West Roads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska, (09:36):
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Speaker4: where just hours ago some spineless piece of human garbage decided to write (09:40):
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Speaker4: himself into history with the blood of innocent shoppers. (09:45):
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Speaker4: The perp, a 19-year-old waste of oxygen named Robert Hawkins, (09:49):
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Speaker4: walked into Von Moore department store like he was shopping for socks, (09:53):
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Speaker4: then unleashed hell on unsuspecting citizens who were just trying to buy Christmas (09:57):
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Speaker4: presents for their loved ones. (10:02):
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Speaker4: Eight beautiful souls were ripped from this earth before this coward turned (10:06):
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Speaker4: the gun on himself, making it nine bodies total. (10:10):
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Speaker4: His own mother had his suicide note in her hands just an hour before, (10:14):
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Speaker4: A note saying he wanted to be famous. (10:18):
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Speaker4: Well, congratulations. You pathetic excuse for a human being. You're famous now. (10:22):
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Speaker4: The mall looks like a war zone, designer handbags splattered with blood, (10:31):
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Speaker4: shopping bags dropped in terror, Christmas decorations peppered with bullet holes. (10:35):
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Speaker4: This is the deadliest shooting Nebraska's seen since Charles Starkweather's rampage, back in 58. (10:40):
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Speaker4: And let me tell you something, it makes me sick to my stomach. (10:46):
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Speaker4: The community's already raised over a million dollars for the victims' families, (10:51):
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Speaker4: but money won't bring back their loved ones. (10:55):
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Speaker4: Money won't untraumatise the survivors And money sure as hell won't explain (10:57):
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Speaker4: why this keeps happening in our country (11:03):
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Speaker4: This is Ken Schitt Reporting from a place that should have been filled with (11:06):
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Speaker4: holiday cheer But instead became a monument to mankind's capacity for evil (11:10):
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Speaker5: 1916 And now the year 1916 When H.H. (11:16):
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Speaker5: Asquith stepped down as UK Prime Minister Leaving the nation in a state of political (11:20):
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Speaker5: bedlam the Liberal Party in tatters, and the war effort in what experts call a bit of a pickle. (11:25):
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Speaker5: From the Shell Crisis to the Gallipoli debacle, Asquith's leadership crumbled (11:31):
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Speaker5: faster than a poorly baked scone. (11:36):
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Speaker5: Enter David Lloyd George, the man with a plan, or at least a decent haircut. (11:39):
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Speaker5: To untangle this historical knot, we turn to our political correspondent, Hardeman Pesto, (11:45):
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Speaker3: Yes, Martin. (11:52):
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Speaker1: I'm here outside number 10 with noted political historian Lady Prudence Codswabble. (11:53):
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Speaker1: The mood is tense as Prime Minister Asquith prepares to tender his resignation. (11:59):
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Speaker5: Actually, he's already resigned. No, he hasn't. (12:03):
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Speaker1: I can see him through the window having tea. (12:06):
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Speaker5: Pesto, what's the reaction among cabinet members? (12:09):
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Speaker1: Well, Martin, Lloyd George is absolutely furious. He's just stormed past me (12:12):
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Speaker1: shouting, I'll show them how to run a war. (12:17):
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Speaker5: Mr Pesto, I must point out that Lloyd George was actually in Wales at the time. (12:20):
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Speaker1: No, that was definitely him. Unmistakable moustache. (12:25):
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Speaker5: That was the milkman, wasn't it, Pesto? (12:29):
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Speaker1: Could have been, Martin. The moustaches were very similar in 1916. (12:32):
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Speaker5: And what's the word on Asquith's final moments in power? (12:36):
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Speaker1: Well, he's just thrown a teacup at the wall and declared, Damn the shells, damn them all to hell. (12:40):
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Speaker5: That absolutely did not happen. The Prime Minister left with dignity after a (12:45):
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Speaker5: private audience with the King. (12:51):
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Speaker1: Are you sure? Because I distinctly heard the China smashing. (12:53):
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Speaker5: Pesto, are you actually outside number 10? (12:57):
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Speaker1: Define outside. (13:00):
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Speaker5: Where are you? (13:01):
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Speaker1: I'm in the vicinity. Very near. Practically adjacent. (13:02):
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Speaker5: You're in the pub across the street, aren't you? (13:07):
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Speaker1: The Red Lion has an excellent view of constitutional crisis, Martin. (13:09):
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Speaker5: Ladies and gentlemen, Hardiman Pesto reporting on the resignation of H.H. (13:13):
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Speaker5: Asquith from what I can only assume is his fourth pint. (13:18):
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Speaker1: 1933. In America today, in 1933, (13:22):
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Speaker2: The 21st Amendment officially repealed prohibition, bringing the nationwide (13:26):
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Speaker2: ban on alcohol to a celebratory halt. (13:31):
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Speaker2: Economists cheered, organized crime groups frowned, and bartenders everywhere (13:34):
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Speaker2: resumed shaking martinis with gusto. (13:39):
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Speaker2: The unique ratification process by state conventions has been heralded as democracy's (13:43):
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Speaker2: quirky cousin, while the return of legal alcohol sales marks a seismic cultural shift. (13:48):
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Speaker2: Federal and state governments now squabble over who gets to regulate the booze. (13:54):
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Speaker3: Here with more, our American correspondent, (13:59):
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Speaker2: Melody Wintergreen. (14:03):
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Speaker0: This is Melody Wintergreen, reporting live from the streets of Washington, D.C. (14:09):
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Speaker0: On this historic day, December 5, 1933. (14:14):
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Speaker0: The nation is in the throes of jubilation as the curtain falls on the dark era of Prohibition. (14:18):
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Speaker0: After nearly 14 years of a nationwide ban on the production, (14:24):
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Speaker0: transportation, and sale of alcoholic beverages, the 21st Amendment has been (14:28):
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Speaker0: ratified, returning the regulation of liquor to the individual states. (14:33):
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Speaker0: The Capitol is awash in a sea of revelry, as Americans from all walks of life (14:41):
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Speaker0: spill out onto the streets to celebrate the end of this disastrous social experiment. (14:46):
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Speaker0: Saloons and speakeasies that (14:51):
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Speaker0: had been shuttered for over a decade are now throwing open their doors. (14:53):
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Speaker3: Their owners eager to quench the public's thirst. (14:58):
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Speaker0: The chime of cash registers and the clinking of glasses echo through the air (15:01):
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Speaker0: as a thirsty populace eagerly indulges in long-denied libations. (15:06):
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Speaker0: But this is no mere drunken revelry. No, this is a moment of profound societal transformation. (15:15):
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Speaker0: The repeal of prohibition marks the triumph of common sense over misguided moralism (15:23):
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Speaker0: and the restoration of personal liberty. (15:29):
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Speaker0: As one reveler, Hank Hooch, Hoover, proclaims, no more will the feds come knocking (15:32):
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Speaker0: on my door, trying to take away my hooch. (15:40):
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Speaker0: This is America, dang it, and we're going to drink what we please. (15:42):
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Speaker0: The economic implications of this momentous decision are equally staggering (15:50):
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Speaker0: Breweries, distilleries and countless ancillary industries that had been crippled (15:54):
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Speaker0: by the ban are now poised for a resurgence, (15:59):
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Speaker0: promising a much-needed boost to the nation's economy Estimates suggest that (16:02):
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Speaker0: the federal government alone stands to reap a windfall of over $5 0 cents a (16:07):
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Speaker0: million in annual tax revenue from the legal sale of alcohol, (16:12):
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Speaker0: But the true significance of this day lies not in the flow of liquor or the (16:19):
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Speaker0: flow of cash, but in the restoration of individual freedom. (16:24):
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Speaker0: As prohibition activist Donna Doubtfire laments, the government had no right (16:28):
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Speaker0: to tell us what we could and couldn't put in our own bodies. (16:33):
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Speaker0: This is a victory for personal liberty, plain and simple. (16:37):
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Speaker0: And so, as the sun sets on this historic day, the people of America raise their (16:44):
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Speaker0: glasses in a toast to the end of an era. (16:49):
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Speaker0: The Volstead Act is dead, and with it, the specter of federal overreach that (16:52):
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Speaker0: had cast a pall over the nation for far too long. (16:57):
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Speaker0: This, my friends, is the dawn of a new age of personal freedom and responsibility. (17:01):
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Speaker0: Cheers to that! (17:07):
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Speaker0: Melody Wintergreen, Newsbang, reporting live from the streets of a newly liberated Washington, D.C. (17:09):
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Speaker5: 1945 And now, a mystery that has baffled naval historians and conspiracy theorists alike. (17:17):
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Speaker5: On this day, in 1945, five U.S. (17:24):
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Speaker5: Navy torpedo bombers of Flight 19 vanished into the Bermuda Triangle during (17:28):
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Speaker5: what was meant to be a routine training mission. (17:32):
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Speaker5: Navigational chaos, instrument malfunctions, and weather that could only be (17:36):
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Speaker5: described as uncooperative led to their disappearance, along with a rescue aircraft (17:39):
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Speaker5: sent to find them. No trace was ever found. (17:43):
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Speaker5: Joining us now with the history-mystery-gistry, Bertrand Spitfire. (17:47):
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Speaker1: Ah yes, the curious case of Flight 19, a veritable interstellar riddle wrapped (17:58):
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Speaker1: in a mystery, shrouded in a rather perplexing fog of disappearance. (18:04):
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Speaker1: On the fifth rotation of the 12th lunar cycle in the year 1945, (18:11):
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Speaker1: a squadron of five Grumman TBM Avenger torpedo bombers, collectively known as Flight 19, (18:16):
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Speaker1: took to the skies from a quaint little spaceport called the Naval Air Station in Fort Lauderdale. (18:24):
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Speaker1: Their mission? A routine navigation training exercise. (18:30):
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Speaker1: Hardly the stuff of legends. (18:35):
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Speaker1: Leading this merry band of aviators was one Lieutenant Charles Taylor, (18:39):
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Speaker1: a seasoned pilot with over 2,500 light-year cycles under his belt. (18:45):
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Speaker1: One would assume such an experienced navigator could find his way through the (18:51):
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Speaker1: cosmos with his eyes closed. (18:56):
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Speaker1: But alas, the fickle nature of the universe had other plans. (18:58):
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Speaker1: As the flight progressed, Taylor's instruments, those trusty companions of the (19:04):
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Speaker1: skies, began to betray him. (19:10):
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Speaker1: His compasses, those infallible guides, suddenly found themselves lost, (19:12):
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Speaker1: adrift in the vast expanse. (19:18):
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Speaker1: Disoriented, our dear lieutenant found himself questioning whether he hovered (19:20):
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Speaker1: over the mysterious Floridian Keys or the elusive Bahamian Archipelago, (19:25):
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Speaker1: A veritable cosmic conundrum, if ever there was one. (19:30):
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Speaker1: With fuel running low and the weather taking a turn for the worse, (19:37):
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Speaker1: the situation grew increasingly dire. (19:42):
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Speaker1: Taylor's increasingly frantic transmissions painted a picture of a pilot utterly (19:45):
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Speaker1: at the mercy of the capricious cosmos. (19:50):
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Speaker1: The ground crew, no doubt scratching their heads in bewilderment, (19:54):
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Speaker1: could only listen helplessly as the flight disappeared into the ominous Bermuda (19:58):
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Speaker1: Triangle, a region of space known for its penchant for devouring the unwary. (20:04):
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Speaker1: But the tale does not end there, dear listeners. (20:11):
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Speaker1: In a twist worthy of the most imaginative intergalactic drama, (20:15):
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Speaker1: a rescue mission was launched, a Martin Mariner PBM spacecraft with 13 brave souls aboard. (20:19):
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Speaker1: Alas, this ill-fated vessel too succumbed to the voracious maw of the triangle, (20:27):
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Speaker3: Never to be seen again. (20:32):
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Speaker1: And so the mystery deepens. A cosmic riddle that has vexed the finest minds (20:35):
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Speaker1: of this humble blue-green orb. (20:41):
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Speaker1: What became of Flight 19? (20:43):
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Speaker1: Did they venture too far into the unknown, only to be swallowed by the very fabric of reality? (20:46):
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Speaker1: Or, perhaps, they discovered secrets of the universe that mere mortal eyes were not meant to behold. (20:53):
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Speaker1: The truth, my friends, remains shrouded in the mists of time, (20:59):
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Speaker1: a testament to the enduring enigmas that dot the celestial canvas. (21:04):
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Speaker1: A news bang illuminating the dark corners of deception with a flamethrower of facts. (21:21):
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Speaker1: 1974. (21:29):
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Speaker5: Ryder Boff, our man with an eye for the extraordinary and a knack for finding (21:30):
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Speaker5: drama even in a game of soggy biscuits, (21:35):
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Speaker3: Is to deliver the tale of Birmingham's gridiron glory. Over to you, Ryder. (21:37):
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Speaker6: And now, direct from 1974, we bring you the sporting spectacle of the century, (21:48):
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Speaker6: or at least this Thursday. (21:53):
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Speaker6: The Birmingham Americans have clinched victory in the World Bowl, (21:54):
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Speaker6: defeating the Florida Blazers 22-21 at Legion Field. (21:58):
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Speaker6: I haven't seen such excitement since my Aunt Mildred won the Preston Indoor (22:01):
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Speaker6: Bowls Championship using nothing but a frozen guinea pig and a length of rubber hosing. (22:06):
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Speaker6: The Americans quarterback George, the human catapult mirror, (22:13):
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Speaker6: threw the pigskin around Legion Field like a butcher juggling sausages at a (22:17):
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Speaker6: vegetarian convention. (22:20):
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Speaker6: 206 yards ladies and gentlemen That's longer than my second marriage Lasted (22:21):
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Speaker6: Speaking of which Sharon If you're watching I want my Barry Manilow records back (22:27):
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Speaker6: The crowd of 32,000 were packed tighter than my corduroy trousers after Christmas dinner at the in-laws. (22:38):
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Speaker6: Although, I must say, the hot dog vendor, sweaty Pete Thompson, (22:43):
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Speaker6: was doing a roaring trade. (22:48):
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Speaker6: Mind you, nobody quite knew what meat he was using. Could have been anything. Could have been anyone. (22:49):
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Speaker6: The Florida Blazers put up a magnificent fight, led by their star running back, (22:58):
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Speaker6: Thunderthighs McGee, whose legs are insured for more money than the entire city (23:02):
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Speaker6: of Birmingham can afford to pay its players, which brings me rather awkwardly (23:06):
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Speaker6: to the financial situation. (23:10):
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Speaker6: The Americans may have won the trophy, but they're about as solvent as a chocolate teapot in a sauna. (23:12):
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Speaker6: The team's owner, Big Money Johnson, though perhaps no money Johnson would be (23:22):
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Speaker6: more appropriate, was last seen trying to pay the stadium rental fee with a (23:26):
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Speaker6: collection of rare stamps and what he claimed was Elvis Presley's toenail clippings. (23:30):
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Speaker6: Reminds me of the time I tried to barter my way into the BBC canteen with a (23:34):
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Speaker6: signed photo of Des Linham. (23:38):
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Speaker6: Still, what a historic moment for the World Football League, (23:43):
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Speaker6: the first World Bowl and quite possibly the last, given the current financial climate. (23:47):
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Speaker6: But as my old PE teacher used to say, just before he was arrested for stealing (23:51):
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Speaker6: the school hamster, it's not whether you win or lose it's whether you can afford the bus fare home. (23:55):
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Speaker6: This is Ryder Boff reporting from 1974 where the future of football is as bright (24:10):
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Speaker6: as a miner's lamp and twice as uncertain. (24:16):
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Speaker6: Back to the studio where I believe Calamity Prenderville is about to explain (24:19):
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Speaker6: why we'll all be living on Mars by 1980. (24:23):
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Speaker2: Nope. It's Penelope Windchime now, (24:32):
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Speaker2: with a chilling tale of environmental protest from over a century ago. (24:34):
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Speaker2: The ice has spoken, and so has Penelope. (24:39):
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Speaker0: EnviraNews flashback. I'm Penelope Windchime, and exactly 109 years ago today, (24:44):
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Speaker0: Mother Earth showed her icy displeasure at human intrusion by eating Ernest Shackleton's boat. (24:51):
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Speaker0: The endurance, which was made entirely of sustainable Victorian mahogany and (24:56):
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Speaker0: recycled penguin beaks, became trapped in what scientists now believe was the (25:01):
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Speaker0: world's first protest ice. (25:06):
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Speaker0: The crew survived by learning to speak fluent seal and adopting several innovative (25:13):
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Speaker0: survival techniques, including wearing each other as hats and taking turns being the ship's biscuit. (25:18):
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Speaker0: Shackleton, who had previously won Brighton's Most Ecological Explorer Award (25:24):
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Speaker0: three years running, led his men across the frozen wasteland in a small boat (25:29):
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Speaker0: made of compressed hope and desperation. (25:34):
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Speaker0: The expedition's failure to reach the South Pole was actually a triumph for (25:41):
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Speaker0: the environment, as the Pole later admitted in private correspondence that it (25:45):
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Speaker0: wasn't ready for visitors. (25:50):
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Speaker0: Today, the ice that trapped the Endurance is kept in a special museum in Norway, (25:52):
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Speaker0: where it occasionally writes poetry about its famous encounter. (25:57):
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Speaker0: I'm Penelope Windchime, and remember, if you're going to the Antarctic, (26:06):
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Speaker0: always pack a spare planet. (26:09):
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Speaker5: Now, when it comes to travel chaos, groundbreaking roads and airborne mysteries, (26:11):
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Speaker5: no one unravels it all quite like Polly Beep. (26:16):
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Speaker5: She's here with the latest dispatch from Preston to Nakchivan. (26:19):
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Speaker3: Good evening, road warriors. (26:25):
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Speaker2: Breaking news from Preston, where Britain's very first motorway has just opened (26:27):
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Speaker2: its gleaming tarmac to traffic. (26:31):
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Speaker2: The Preston bypass is causing quite the commotion, with drivers actually stopping to kiss the surface. (26:33):
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Speaker2: Yes, that's right. We're seeing significant delays due to excessive road romance near Junction 29. (26:38):
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Speaker3: So James Drake's (26:47):
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Speaker2: Revolutionary design includes these fancy, grade-separated junctions, (26:48):
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Speaker2: though several confused motorists have been spotted trying to have their tea (26:53):
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Speaker2: there, thinking it's some sort of elevated cafe service. (26:57):
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Speaker2: Meanwhile, in Nakchevan, we're getting reports of severe disruption as Azerbaijan (27:04):
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Speaker2: Airlines Flight 56 has experienced what we're calling a significant gravitational event. (27:09):
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Speaker2: Do avoid the area if possible, especially if you're operating heavy machinery (27:15):
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Speaker2: or indeed another aircraft. (27:19):
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Speaker2: Back in (27:26):
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Speaker3: Preston, the Samlesbury Bridge (27:26):
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Speaker2: Construction is causing tailbacks as hundreds of engineers gather to marvel (27:28):
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Speaker2: at its innovative design. (27:32):
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Speaker2: Several have been removed after attempting to measure it with their bodies, (27:33):
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Speaker2: lying end to end across the carriageway. (27:37):
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Speaker2: And finally, on the A6 heading north, we're seeing delays caused by Morris dancers (27:42):
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Speaker2: celebrating this momentous motorway occasion. (27:48):
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Speaker2: They formed a conga line across three lanes, and traffic is now moving at approximately (27:51):
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Speaker2: two steps forward, one step back. (27:56):
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Speaker2: This is Polly Beep, reminding you that whether you're in Preston or Nakchevan, (28:02):
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Speaker2: always check your engines, both of them before departure. (28:06):
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Speaker1: The 13th, 1952. (28:11):
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Speaker2: And now, our resident oracle of all things experimental and occasionally incomprehensible, (28:14):
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Speaker2: Calamity Prenderville, with a deep dive into the foggy world of British scientific ingenuity. (28:22):
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Speaker2: Good evening, Science Watchers. On this day in 1952, Britain demonstrated its (28:39):
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Speaker2: mastery of weather manipulation with the Great London Smog, (28:44):
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Speaker2: a revolutionary attempt to combat the Cold War by creating an impenetrable fog (28:48):
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Speaker2: shield over our capital city. (28:52):
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Speaker2: Using cutting-edge British coal technology developed in Basildon, (28:56):
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Speaker5: World-famous weather, London was successfully hidden from view for five days. (29:00):
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Speaker5: The fog was so effective that people couldn't see their own feet, (29:05):
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Speaker5: leading to the invention of the foot-finding stick, a revolutionary device still (29:09):
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Speaker5: used by Morris dancers today. (29:13):
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Speaker2: The smog was created using a perfect blend of coal smoke, industrial emissions (29:17):
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Speaker2: and what scientists called genuine British weather. (29:22):
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Speaker2: It was so thick that pigeons had to walk, buses were led by men with torches (29:25):
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Speaker2: and several people reportedly arrived at work three days late thinking it was still Tuesday. (29:29):
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Speaker5: The experiment was perhaps too successful, leading to the Clean Air Act of 1956, (29:37):
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Speaker5: which banned excessive smog creation except during bank holidays and cricket matches. (29:41):
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Speaker5: The technology was later exported to Los Angeles, though their attempts to recreate (29:47):
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Speaker5: it resulted in what they now call smog, a weak American imitation of our superior British fog. (29:51):
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Speaker2: Some say the Great Smog was an accident, but we know better. (29:59):
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Speaker2: It was British innovation at its finest, even if it did accidentally cause 12,000 (30:03):
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Speaker2: people to pop their clogs. (30:07):
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Speaker2: This is Calamity Prenderville, reminding you that sometimes the best scientific (30:09):
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Speaker2: advances are the ones you can't see through. Back to the studio. (30:13):
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Speaker1: News bang, lighting the midnight candle of knowledge in the Hall of Truth. (30:23):
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Speaker5: Known for blending royal affairs with wit as sharp as a corgi's teeth, (30:29):
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Speaker5: Sandy O'Shaughnessy is our regal raconteur, ready to turn history into hilarity (30:34):
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Speaker5: with his own unique flair. (30:39):
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Speaker3: Ah, good evening (30:46):
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Speaker1: To you all. And what an evening it is. Sandy O'Shaughnessy here, (30:47):
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Speaker1: taking over from the illustrious Martin Bang at Newsbang Towers. (30:51):
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Speaker1: The kettle's just boiled, and I've got my special evening blend of tea. (30:55):
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Speaker1: Though, between you and me, it might have a drop of something stronger in it. (30:58):
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Speaker1: But don't tell the management. (31:01):
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Speaker1: Speaking of strong spirits, let me tell you about a rather peculiar homecoming (31:06):
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Speaker1: that happened back in 1939 now pedro the second of brazil there's a fellow who (31:10):
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Speaker1: had quite the journey even after he'd shuffled off this mortal coil imagine (31:16):
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Speaker1: being told you can't even rest in peace in your own country (31:22):
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Speaker1: it's like being banned from your local pub only considerably more permanent (31:26):
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Speaker1: you see poor pedro was given the royal boot back in 1889 sent packing to portugal (31:34):
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Speaker1: faster than my Aunt Mare's Christmas pudding clearing a room. (31:40):
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Speaker1: But here's the thing about the Brazilian people. (31:43):
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Speaker1: They're a... (31:47):
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Speaker1: Forgiving lot. By 1939, they'd decided that maybe old Pedro wasn't such a bad egg after all. (31:51):
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Speaker1: I've just received a letter from Dorothy in Dundalk who writes, (32:05):
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Speaker1: Dear Sandy, My husband's been exiled to the garden shed for 50 years. Should I let him back in? (32:09):
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Speaker1: Well, Dorothy, if Brazil can welcome back their former emperor's remains after (32:15):
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Speaker1: 50 years, perhaps it's time to consider a similar act of mercy. (32:21):
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Speaker1: The whole affair reminds me of that time my cousin Seamus tried to return his (32:28):
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Speaker1: mother-in-law's ashes to the wrong cemetery. (32:32):
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Speaker1: Though in his defense, all urns do look remarkably similar after a few pints of Guinness, (32:34):
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Speaker1: But back to Pedro, they gave him quite the welcome home, I must say. (32:42):
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Speaker1: Full state honors and everything. It's like that episode of Dallas where J.R. (32:47):
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Speaker1: Came back from the dead, only with considerably more actual death involved. (32:52):
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Speaker1: And speaking of returns, Mrs. O'Malley from Cork has written in to say she's (32:58):
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Speaker1: found a mysterious crown in her compost heap. Now, Mrs. (33:03):
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Speaker1: O'Malley, unless you are harboring any exiled monarchs in your vegetable patch, (33:07):
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Speaker1: I suggest you return it to the nearest fancy dress shop. (33:12):
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Speaker1: The time is ticking away faster than a Republican in a royal palace, (33:17):
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Speaker1: so I'll bid you farewell for now. (33:21):
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Speaker1: Keep those letters coming, and remember, even emperors eventually find their (33:23):
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Speaker1: way home, though sometimes it takes a bit longer than expected. (33:27):
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Speaker1: This is Sandy O'Shaughnessy saying goodnight. And as always See you later alligator (33:31):
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Speaker2: And now, to the year 1484, where Pope Innocent XIII has issued a papal bull (33:59):
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Speaker2: so dramatic, it could have been penned by a medieval soap opera writer. (34:06):
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Speaker2: Sumis Desiderantes Effectibus granted Inquisitor Heinrich Kramer the holy thumbs-up (34:10):
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Speaker2: to chase witches across Germany, accusing them of crimes ranging from crop sabotage (34:16):
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Speaker2: to presumably poor hat choices. (34:21):
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Speaker2: This decree, which added fuel to the broomstick of European witch hunts, (34:24):
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Speaker2: turned suspicion into systematic persecution, with thousands of innocent people, (34:29):
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Speaker2: mostly women, facing grim fates. (34:34):
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Speaker2: For more on this ecclesiastical endorsement of hysteria, we turn to Pastor Kevin Monstrance. (34:37):
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Speaker1: Good evening, blessed viewers. Before I begin tonight's tale of papal proclamations (34:51):
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Speaker1: and pointy hats, I must address the rather peculiar mood of our producer, (34:56):
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Speaker1: Martin Magic Fingers Bang. (35:01):
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Speaker1: He's been particularly tetchy since his unfortunate incident at the Medieval (35:03):
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Speaker1: Reenactment Society last weekend. (35:07):
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Speaker1: Apparently, he was playing a witch finder and got carried away with his character. (35:11):
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Speaker1: Ended up dunking the local women's institute in the duck pond. (35:17):
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Speaker1: Mrs Higgins from the cake stall was not amused. (35:22):
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Speaker1: Speaking of witch finding, let me tell you about Pope Innocent XIII. (35:28):
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Speaker1: Now there's a papal paradox if ever there was one, naming yourself Innocent (35:32):
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Speaker1: when you're about to authorise the biggest witch hunt since my mother-in-law (35:37):
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Speaker1: discovered my secret biscuit stash. (35:41):
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Speaker1: It reminds me of a joke about a Dominican friar who walks into a German tavern in 1484. (35:47):
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Speaker1: The bartender says, (35:54):
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Speaker3: Why the long (35:56):
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Speaker1: Face? The friar replies, I've been tasked with finding witches, (35:57):
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Speaker1: but I can't tell a witch from a washerwoman. (36:01):
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Speaker1: The bartender says, I can help. My wife's a witch. (36:04):
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Speaker1: The friar gets excited and asks, How can you tell? (36:08):
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Speaker1: The bartender replies, Well, she turned me into a newt. The friar looks confused (36:12):
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Speaker1: and says, you don't look like a newt. (36:17):
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Speaker1: The bartender shrugs and says, I got better. (36:20):
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Speaker1: But back to our friend Heinrich Kramer, the Dominican Inquisitor. (36:25):
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Speaker1: Now there was a chap who took his job seriously, rather like our producer Martin (36:29):
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Speaker1: when he's checking the tea-making rotor. (36:34):
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Speaker1: Heinrich wrote this charming little book called the Maleus Maleficarum, (36:37):
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Speaker1: Sort of a witchcraft for dummies, if you will. (36:43):
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Speaker1: You see, Heinrich had been having trouble getting local authorities to take (36:48):
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Speaker1: his witch hunting seriously. (36:51):
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Speaker1: Bit like me trying to convince Martin that my interpretative dance version of (36:53):
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Speaker1: the Spanish Inquisition would make great television. (36:57):
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Speaker1: So Heinrich went straight to the top, Pope Innocent the VIII, (37:00):
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Speaker1: and said, Your Holiness, I need more authority to hunt witches. (37:07):
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Speaker1: And the Pope said, Right you are, my son, here's a papal bull. (37:13):
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Speaker1: Which, I must say, sounds more like a threat than a solution. (37:17):
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Speaker1: The bull was called Sumis Desiderantes Effectibus, which I believe is Latin (37:21):
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Speaker1: for We're really quite keen on this witch-hunting business. (37:26):
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Speaker1: Though my Latin's a bit rusty since that incident with the Vatican choir and (37:30):
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Speaker1: the missing sheep music. (37:35):
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Speaker1: Still can't show my face in Rome without someone humming my way in Latin. But, (37:36):
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Speaker1: But here's the thing about witch hunting. It's all about looking for signs. (37:43):
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Speaker1: If someone floated, they were a witch. If they sank, they weren't. If they had a cat, witch. (37:46):
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Speaker1: If they could read, definitely a witch. If they made better cheese than their neighbours. (37:51):
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Speaker1: You better believe that's a witching. (37:56):
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Speaker1: Rather like our producer Martin's criteria for a good news story. (38:00):
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Speaker1: If it has a pun in the title, brilliant. (38:04):
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Speaker1: If it involves someone falling over, even better. If it has both, (38:06):
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Speaker1: he'll give you your own series. (38:09):
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Speaker1: The bartender in our joke, by the way, went on to become a very successful witchfinder himself. (38:13):
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Speaker1: His secret? He just pointed at random people and shouted, Witch! (38:18):
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Speaker1: It worked about as well as any other method at the time. And that, (38:22):
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Speaker1: my friends, is why you should always be nice to bartenders. (38:26):
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Speaker1: They might have been newts. (38:32):
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Speaker5: But you don't need them. (38:34):
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Speaker5: Tomorrow's tatters, hot off the presses. (38:39):
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Speaker3: Times. (38:42):
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Speaker5: Slavery scrapped by 13th Amendment. Lincoln says, good riddance. (38:44):
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Speaker5: Telegraph. Roosevelt rewrites Monroe Doctrine, now with added mustaches. (38:51):
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Speaker5: Guardian. Mexico mad as San Francisco sold for six beans. (38:58):
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Speaker5: And the crab and midget. Lusty sea slug disproves God Darwin declares I was right all along (39:05):
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Speaker5: And finally A reminder that the news is like a box of chocolates You never know (39:15):
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Speaker5: what you're going to get Unless you read the label I'm Martin Bang And that's the papers in pieces (39:21):
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Speaker1: Tune in next time For more artificially intelligent hilarity News Bang is a (39:29):
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Speaker1: comedy show written and recorded by AI. (39:36):
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Speaker1: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. (39:39):
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