November 23, 2024 • 24 mins
The episode of Newsbang opens with a satirical overview of several historical and fictional events, blending humor with commentary on societal issues. One of the focal topics is the iconic British television series, Doctor Who, which premiered in 1963. The narrative describes a chaotic scene in London where a police box appears, piloted by The Doctor, an alien character portrayed as a grumpy old man accompanied by his attractive granddaughter. This unexpected event, marked by the Doctor's amusing debate with cavemen about fire, signifies humanity's first contact with time travel. The coverage humorously highlights the peculiar nature of the show, noting the absurdity of the Doctor's ever-changing appearance and fashion choices, while the BBC's immediate commissioning of 26 episodes despite warnings from the Home Office creates a comedic image of Britain's reluctance to embrace time travel.
The show then segues into historical accounts from 1635 concerning Dutch traders engaged in what can best be described as an overreaction to a perceived slight involving spice trade. The narrative depicts the Dutch East India Company's escalation to extreme measures against the village of Matu, entwining real historical characters and events with absurdity. Eyewitness accounts illustrate the chaotic atmosphere as Dutch forces collaborate with local tribes in a ridiculous series of confrontations, showcasing how misunderstandings over coffee and spices can lead to all-out conflict.
Transitioning to Manchester in 1867, the episode shifts focus to a farcical and tragic event involving Irish nationalists attempting a rescue mission. Their actions, driven by a desire to liberate fellow comrades, go awry, leading to unintended violence and the execution of three men—now dubbed the Manchester Martyrs. The comedic retelling emphasizes the absurdity of their punishment for what was essentially a poorly executed stunt, echoing broader themes of injustice and misinterpretation within British law during that era. The trial, described as "twattish," incites outrage and contributes to a growing fervor for Irish nationalism, transforming the men into martyrs rather than mere victims of a flawed legal system.
As the show transitions to weather news, the ludicrous and unpredictable nature of British weather is humorously compared to governmental spending reviews, with exaggerated forecasts painting a bleak image of conditions throughout the country. This light-hearted take on meteorology adds another layer of satire, reinforcing the show's thematic focus on absurdity. The episode features comical reports from a war correspondent in Matu, highlighting the chaotic military operations driven by colonial greed, as well as a biting commentary on the absurdities of military engagement, complete with a poorly executed spice raid resulting in more folly than success.
The report also covers a remarkable achievement from 1976, where French freediver Jacques Mayol sets a record by diving to an impressive depth, blending factual reporting with comical exaggerations about the physical stress of deep-sea exploration and divers' antics. Correspondents reflect on the cultural impact of such events while relaying the humor inherent in human endeavors against nature.
Flipping through more comedic segments, the show dives into the announcement of Cardinal Giovanni Francesco Albani as Pope Clement XI in 1700. Here, the discussion takes on a comedic historical narrative, with absurd anecdotes about clerical ambitions, satirical observations on ecclesiastical elections, and amusing tales of 'practice' pope-picking parties. Each segment maintains a lighthearted tone, using humor to explore more profound themes about authority, power structures, and the often ridiculous machinations of those vying for leadership.
Concluding the episode is a humorous preview of tomorrow's news, leaving the audience in anticipation while embracing the satirical lens through which the show has p
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker3:
On the night shift tonight. Doctor Who Cares. First episode fever hits BBC. (00:05):
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Speaker3: Dutch Courage on Formosa. Company says Matu can go. (00:14):
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Speaker3: And Manchester Misery. Martyrs hanged for hanging around. (00:20):
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Speaker3: Plus, coming up, Rick Astley has announced plans to sue the entire world. (00:27):
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Speaker3: Those are the headlines, and now, I'm flatlining. (00:33):
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Speaker1: A newsbang, serving a hearty stew of facts with an extra ladle of truth. (00:41):
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Speaker1: 1963. (00:49):
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Speaker3: Panic on the streets of London today as millions witnessed a police box materialise (00:50):
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Speaker3: out of thin air, driven by what witnesses described as a grumpy old man with (00:55):
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Speaker3: a walking stick and his irritatingly attractive granddaughter. (00:59):
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Speaker3: The incident, which occurred exactly 61 years ago, (01:03):
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Speaker3: marked humanity's first contact with an alien known only as The Doctor, (01:08):
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Speaker3: who reportedly spent 45 minutes arguing with cavemen about the invention of fire. (01:14):
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Speaker0: Local dustbin man Keith Wobble described the scene. There I was, (01:20):
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Speaker0: minding my own business when this box appears with a wheezing, groaning sound. (01:25):
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Speaker0: Thought it was my mother-in-law at first. (01:29):
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Speaker3: The BBC, who captured the entire event on grainy black-and-white film, (01:33):
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Speaker3: immediately commissioned 26 episodes, despite protests from the Home Office (01:37):
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Speaker3: that time travel was un-British and might upset the horses. (01:41):
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Speaker0: The mysterious Doctor continues to regenerate to this day, each time returning (01:45):
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Speaker0: with a different face and increasingly ridiculous fashion choices. (01:50):
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Speaker0: Scientists remain baffled as to how one man can own so many question mark jumpers. (01:54):
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Speaker3: Breaking news from 1635 as Dutch traders escalate their spice war to catastrophic (02:01):
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Speaker3: levels after discovering someone had put nutmeg in their coffee without asking. (02:07):
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Speaker3: The Dutch East India Company, frustrated by their inability to control the local (02:13):
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Speaker3: cardamom cartels, launched what historians are calling Operation Absolute Overkill (02:17):
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Speaker3: against the village of Matu. (02:22):
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Speaker0: Eyewitness Hendrik van Peppapot described the scene. (02:25):
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Speaker0: There we were, trying to have a nice peaceful colonial occupation when suddenly (02:29):
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Speaker0: someone mentioned cinnamon prices. (02:33):
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Speaker0: Next thing you know, we're burning everything. It really put me off my stroopweifel. (02:35):
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Speaker3: The Dutch, partnering with rival tribe the Sinkens, who later admitted they (02:41):
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Speaker3: just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar, (02:45):
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Speaker3: unleashed what contemporary accounts describe as a right proper a mess. (02:47):
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Speaker3: Local spice merchant Wei Chang reported, they came in shouting about cloves. (02:52):
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Speaker3: Cloves. Nobody even likes cloves. (02:57):
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Speaker0: The incident marked a turning point in Dutch-Syrayan relations, (02:59):
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Speaker0: primarily because there weren't many Syrayans left to have relations with. (03:03):
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Speaker0: The Dutch East India Company later issued a statement. (03:07):
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Speaker0: Look, we just really like our spices, okay? (03:11):
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Speaker3: 1867. Chaos erupted in Manchester today as 30 to 40 Irish freedom fighters attempted (03:15):
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Speaker3: to liberate their comrades using nothing but a selection of regional accents (03:20):
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Speaker3: and some very pointy sticks. (03:24):
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Speaker3: The attack on a police van went horribly wrong when Sergeant Brett was accidentally (03:26):
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Speaker3: killed by what witnesses described as a bullet that came out of nowhere, probably Russia. (03:31):
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Speaker0: Three men were subsequently arrested and charged with being Irish in a built-up area. (03:39):
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Speaker0: Despite not firing the fatal shot, they were found guilty of having suspicious (03:44):
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Speaker0: facial hair and knowing all the words to Danny Boy. (03:48):
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Speaker3: Local fishmonger Bert Codpiece witnessed the event. It was terrifying. (03:53):
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Speaker3: One minute I'm arranging my haddock, next thing there's 40 Irishmen singing (03:58):
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Speaker3: God Save Ireland while trying to pick the lock with a potato. (04:02):
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Speaker0: The execution of the men, now known as the Manchester Martyrs, (04:05):
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Speaker0: sparked widespread outrage, particularly among those who felt that hanging was (04:10):
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Speaker0: a bit much for what was essentially a failed attempt at extreme parallel parking. (04:15):
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Speaker1: News bang, delivering unfathomable truths wrapped in the cloak of clarity. (04:23):
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Speaker0: And now, with a weather report that promises to be as unpredictable as a government (04:29):
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Speaker0: spending review, here's Shakanaka Giles. (04:34):
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Speaker7: Speaking of shaky situations, exactly 44 years after (04:48):
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Speaker3: Italy's ground decided to do the hokey pokey, we're looking at some tremulous weather ourselves. (04:53):
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Speaker3: Down in the southeast expect conditions wobblier than Italian palazzo in 1980 with (05:01):
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Speaker6: Winds gusting up to 40 mm (05:10):
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Speaker3: Par enough to make your Sunday roast (05:13):
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Speaker1: Dance right off the plate (05:15):
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Speaker1: the Midlands (05:19):
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Speaker3: Will be experiencing (05:21):
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Speaker6: What I like to call November's revenge (05:22):
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Speaker3: Temperatures dropping (05:25):
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Speaker6: Faster than emergency (05:26):
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Speaker3: Response times, hovering around a brisk 3 degrees 6. (05:28):
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Speaker3: Up north, prepare for precipitation that'll leave you feeling (05:35):
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Speaker1: Like you're living in (05:39):
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Speaker3: Temporary housing. It's going to be wet, uncomfortable and lasting longer (05:40):
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Speaker1: Than a government inquiry. (05:45):
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Speaker3: In summary then, shaky winds, plummeting mercury and enough rain to make you (05:50):
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Speaker3: consider rebuilding your roof and that's all the weather. (05:56):
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Speaker7: 1635 Breaking now from our earlier stories of parliamentary cheese riots, (06:08):
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Speaker3: We turn to this day in 1635 when Dutch traders decided enough was enough with (06:14):
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Speaker3: the troublesome village of Matu. (06:19):
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Speaker3: The Dutch East India Company, tired of having their spice routes disrupted, (06:21):
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Speaker3: launched what historians are calling a bit of an overreaction against local villagers. (06:26):
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Speaker3: In a twist that would make Machiavelli proud, they convinced neighbouring tribes (06:32):
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Speaker3: to join their crusade against Mattu. (06:37):
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Speaker3: For more on this historical display of colonial enthusiasm, we cross now to (06:40):
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Speaker3: our war correspondent Brian Bastable. (06:44):
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Speaker2: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the burning village of Mattu where Dutch (06:49):
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Speaker2: East India Company forces have just launched what they're calling a pacification initiative. (06:54):
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Speaker2: The air is thick with the scent of burning spices and what appears to be barbecued villager. (07:00):
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Speaker2: I've just witnessed a Dutch commander riding through on a war elephant that (07:08):
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Speaker2: he claims he found, though I suspect he's borrowed it from the local spice merchants. (07:12):
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Speaker2: The Sarayan warriors are putting up fierce resistance with an impressive display (07:18):
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Speaker2: of traditional warfare techniques, though I must say their spears are proving (07:22):
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Speaker2: somewhat ineffective against the Dutch cannons. (07:27):
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Speaker2: Oh, there goes the local nutmeg storage facility. The spice cloud is making (07:32):
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Speaker2: everyone sneeze uncontrollably, including the Dutch musketeers, (07:37):
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Speaker2: who are now shooting completely at random. (07:41):
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Speaker2: Three men just accidentally shot their own hats off. (07:44):
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Speaker2: The Sinken allies are charging through with remarkable enthusiasm, (07:52):
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Speaker2: though several appear to be stopping to loot the Pepper warehouses. (07:56):
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Speaker2: Can't blame them, really. That stuff's worth its weight in gold back in Amsterdam. (07:59):
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Speaker2: That was a flaming arrow that just passed through what used to be my favourite (08:06):
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Speaker2: writing hand. No matter, I'll continue. (08:10):
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Speaker2: The Dutch commander is now standing atop a pile of smouldering cloves, (08:13):
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Speaker2: declaring victory while simultaneously trying to extinguish his burning trousers. (08:18):
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Speaker2: The village is now completely aflame and I can confirm that colonial control (08:24):
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Speaker2: has been thoroughly established, (08:29):
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Speaker2: though at the cost of several hundred sneezing soldiers and what appears to (08:31):
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Speaker2: be every spice merchant's profit margin for the next decade. (08:36):
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Speaker2: Brian Bastable, newsbang, choking on Pepper in what used to be Matu. (08:41):
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Speaker1: 1867. (08:51):
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Speaker0: Manchester now, where three Irish nationalists have met their maker in what (08:52):
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Speaker0: critics are calling a distinctly questionable execution. (08:56):
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Speaker0: The men, whose only crime appears to be standing near a police van at an inconvenient (09:00):
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Speaker0: moment, were hanged despite not actually firing the fatal shot that killed Sergeant Brett. (09:05):
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Speaker0: The trial, described by legal experts as being twattish, has sparked outrage across Ireland. (09:12):
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Speaker0: And now, joining us with more details from outside Manchester prison, (09:19):
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Speaker0: is our crime correspondent Ken Schitt, who's been following this rather sticky wicket since dawn. (09:23):
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Speaker5: I'm standing here in Manchester, where 156 years ago today, three Irish freedom (09:31):
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Speaker5: fighters got the sharp end of British justice rammed right up their collective posterior. (09:36):
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Speaker5: The story starts with a police van stuffed to the gills with Irish Republican prisoners. (09:43):
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Speaker5: Then, bang! 30 to 40 armed men spring out like jackrabbits on methamphetamine, (09:49):
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Speaker5: trying to spring their comrades from the iron embrace of Her Majesty's finest. (09:55):
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Speaker5: But things went south faster than a migrating goose with rocket boosters. (10:01):
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Speaker5: In the ensuing chaos, Sergeant Charles Brett caught a bullet with his face, (10:06):
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Speaker5: a tragic accident that turned this rescue attempt into a full-blown murder investigation. (10:10):
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Speaker5: The British justice system, moving with the subtle grace of a drunken rhinoceros, (10:17):
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Speaker5: rounded up three men, William Allen, Michael Larkin and Michael O'Brien. (10:22):
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Speaker5: Despite not one of them pulling the trigger that killed Brett, (10:28):
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Speaker5: They were sentenced to swing from the gallows like Christmas decorations in hell. (10:31):
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Speaker5: The execution turned these men into martyrs faster than you can say, (10:38):
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Speaker5: God save Ireland, which, coincidentally, became the battle cry of a generation of angry Irishmen. (10:43):
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Speaker5: Their deaths lit a fire under the nationalist movement that burned hotter than (10:51):
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Speaker5: Satan's underwear drawer. (10:55):
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Speaker5: This is Ken Shit, reporting on a dark day in Manchester's history that turned (10:58):
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Speaker5: three ordinary men into legends. (11:03):
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Speaker5: Back to the studio, where I assume everyone's still wearing pants. (11:06):
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Speaker1: Thy newsbang, delivering unvarnished truths with a polished shine of satire. (11:13):
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Speaker1: Mmm, 1976. (11:22):
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Speaker3: Sportnow and diving correspondent Ryder Boff reports on a quite remarkable achievement (11:24):
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Speaker3: from 1976, when a Frenchman went deeper than any human before. (11:29):
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Speaker6: And now, breaking news from 1976, where Frenchman Jacques Mayol has just become (11:39):
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Speaker6: the first human being to free dive to a depth of 100 metres or 330 feet in old money. (11:44):
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Speaker6: Like a determined lettuce in a pressure cooker, Mayol plunged into the briny (11:50):
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Speaker6: deep, using nothing but a weighted sled, and what can only be described as the (11:54):
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Speaker6: world's most ambitious wetsuit. (11:58):
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Speaker6: He's going down now, ladies and gentlemen, descending like a concrete ballet (12:04):
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Speaker6: dancer into the inky depths. (12:08):
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Speaker6: The pressure at this depth could crush (12:10):
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Speaker6: a family saloon car into something resembling a tin of processed peas. (12:11):
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Speaker6: But Mayol appears to be taking it all in his stride. (12:15):
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Speaker6: His heart rate's dropped lower than my ex-wife's opinion of me, (12:18):
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Speaker6: apparently down to 27 beats per minute. (12:21):
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Speaker6: That's slower than a tortoise reading war and peace. (12:24):
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Speaker6: Mail, nicknamed the Dolphin Man due to his uncanny ability to hold his breath (12:30):
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Speaker6: and his peculiar habit of demanding fish for breakfast achieved this remarkable (12:35):
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Speaker6: feat through a combination of eastern meditation and what his trainer, (12:39):
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Speaker6: Professor Splashworth von Bubbles calls advanced yogic breathing techniques (12:43):
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Speaker6: I'm reminded of my own attempt at underwater meditation during a particularly (12:52):
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Speaker6: nasty incident at the Cleethorpes Municipal Swimming Baths in 69. (12:56):
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Speaker6: Three minutes of underwater contemplation ended with me being fished out by (13:00):
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Speaker1: The lifeguard and banned for (13:04):
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Speaker6: A fortnight for what they called excessive gurgling. (13:06):
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Speaker6: Mayol's support team included his faithful dolphin companion, (13:13):
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Speaker6: Clicky, who, according to unreliable sources, attempted to file tax returns as Mayol's dependent. (13:17):
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Speaker6: The French tax office is said to be reviewing the situation. (13:22):
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Speaker6: The achievement has sent shockwaves through the competitive diving community (13:28):
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Speaker6: with rival freediver Sebastian the Submarine Schnorkel declaring it impossible (13:32):
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Speaker6: without gills before attempting to disprove it by holding his breath in a bucket. (13:36):
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Speaker6: He was later found asleep in the bucket dreaming of seahorses. (13:41):
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Speaker6: This record-breaking dive has certainly made waves in the scientific community with Dr. (13:48):
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Speaker6: Wetsworth of the Institute of Subaquatic Peculiarities declaring it, (13:52):
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Speaker6: as impressive as finding a dry fish in a waterfall. (13:55):
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Speaker6: I've been Ryder Boff, and I'm off to practice holding my breath (13:59):
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Speaker7: In the bath. (14:02):
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Speaker7: And now over to our travel correspondent, (14:08):
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Speaker0: Polly Beep, who's monitoring the situation from our Antarctic desk, (14:10):
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Speaker0: leased from the Tyne Tees Weather Centre. (14:15):
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Speaker4: Good evening, road warriors. Breaking news from the Antarctic Peninsula, (14:20):
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Speaker4: where the MS Explorer has decided to take an unscheduled deep-sea parking manoeuvre. (14:24):
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Speaker4: If you're planning to cruise past the South Pole tonight, expect significant (14:29):
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Speaker4: delays as 154 passengers are currently participating in an impromptu polar bear paddle. (14:32):
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Speaker4: The captain, bless his cotton socks, apparently mistook an iceberg for a drive-through car wash. (14:37):
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Speaker4: Meanwhile, back on more temperate tarmac, the M6 is experiencing what we're (14:45):
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Speaker4: calling a penguin solidarity slowdown. (14:49):
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Speaker4: Drivers are waddling their vehicles at two meanwhile in support of our Antarctic (14:52):
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Speaker4: friends. Do avoid if possible. (14:57):
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Speaker4: The A34 near Oxford has developed sympathetic ice patches despite it being a balmy 12 degrees. (15:01):
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Speaker4: Local authorities suspect emotional contagion from the Antarctic news. (15:08):
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Speaker7: And if you're heading (15:15):
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Speaker4: Towards Portsmouth on the M27, be aware that several rescue helicopters are (15:16):
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Speaker4: practising their Antarctic evacuation techniques over the carriageway. (15:21):
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Speaker4: Expect sporadic hovering and the occasional drop life jacket. (15:25):
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Speaker4: Finally the dartford crossing is currently experiencing what we're calling a (15:31):
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Speaker4: maritime solidarity protest several boat enthusiasts have parked their vessels (15:35):
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Speaker4: across all lanes they're demanding (15:40):
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Speaker4: better ice detection systems for their weekend punting activities (15:42):
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Speaker4: this is polly beep reminding you to keep your life jackets handy and your anti-freeze (15:48):
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Speaker4: topped up back to you in the studio (15:54):
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Speaker3: Martin (15:56):
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Speaker3: 1963 Calamity Prenderville examines now a peculiar moment in British television history that changed (15:59):
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Speaker7: The face of science fiction forever (16:06):
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Speaker0: Good evening, science watchers. On this day in 1963, British television innovation (16:19):
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Speaker0: reached new heights with the premiere of Doctor Who, a groundbreaking series (16:24):
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Speaker0: about a mysterious alien who travels through time in what appears box. (16:29):
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Speaker0: But this was no ordinary box. It was actually bigger on the inside, (16:34):
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Speaker0: thanks to revolutionary British space-folding technology developed by the Peckham (16:39):
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Speaker0: Institute of Advanced Mathematics. (16:43):
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Speaker1: The show starred William Hartnell as the Doctor, chosen for his remarkable ability (16:47):
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Speaker1: to look simultaneously confused and knowing, a skill he developed during his (16:52):
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Speaker1: years as a professional eyebrow gymnast. (16:57):
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Speaker1: The TARDIS interior was created using cutting-edge British holographic technology, (16:59):
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Speaker1: which at the time consisted of several mirrors, two torch bulbs and a retired (17:04):
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Speaker1: disco ball from the BBC Christmas Party. (17:09):
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Speaker0: The first episode featured groundbreaking special effects, including a revolutionary (17:14):
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Speaker0: wobbly-wall technique that would become a hallmark of British sci-fi. (17:18):
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Speaker0: The famous theme tune was created by feeding a kettle whistle through a prototype (17:22):
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Speaker0: Sinclair ZX-80 computer, while the iconic materialisation sound came from someone (17:27):
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Speaker0: dragging their house keys along the strings of an old piano. (17:34):
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Speaker1: Most remarkably, the show introduced the concept of regeneration, (17:38):
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Speaker1: allowing the doctor to change appearance when needed, an idea that came to producer (17:43):
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Speaker1: Verity Lambert in a dream after eating too much cheese at a BBC commissioning meeting. (17:47):
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Speaker0: Despite airing the day after President Kennedy's assassination, (17:54):
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Speaker0: the show was an instant hit, though some viewers complained that their television (17:58):
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Speaker0: sets had developed strange faults, causing them to see pepper-pot-shaped aliens everywhere. (18:02):
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Speaker0: This is Calamity Prenderville, reminding you that British innovation is always (18:08):
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Speaker0: bigger on the inside. Back to the studio. (18:13):
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Speaker1: Deal. News bang. Where the echoes of truth reverberate through history's hallways. EWC. (18:19):
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Speaker1: 1700. (18:28):
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Speaker0: Cardinal Giovanni Francesco Albani has clinched the papal crown after what witnesses (18:30):
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Speaker0: describe as the most nail-biting conclave since records began. (18:35):
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Speaker0: The 51-year-old scholar, now Pope Clement XI, emerged victorious after a month (18:40):
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Speaker0: of what Vatican insiders are calling holy deadlock. (18:47):
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Speaker0: With Spain's king Charles II looking decidedly peaky and airless, (18:51):
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Speaker0: the timing couldn't be more dramatic. (18:55):
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Speaker0: For more on this ecclesiastical earthquake, we go to our religious affairs correspondent, (18:59):
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Speaker0: Pastor Kevin Monstrance, who's been camping outside St. Peter's since October. (19:04):
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Speaker1: Good evening, blessed viewers. You know, just before coming on air tonight, (19:16):
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Speaker1: our dear producer, let's call him Martin Three Shirtsbang, was in quite a tizzy (19:21):
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Speaker1: about the historical significance of today's date, (19:27):
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Speaker1: nearly knocked over his collection of papal memorabilia trying to explain it to me. (19:30):
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Speaker1: Did you know he collects papal snow globes? Has one for every antipope. (19:34):
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Speaker1: Speaking of which, reminds me of a chap I knew back in seminary Father Aloysius (19:42):
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Speaker1: Lucky Cardinaletti Lovely fellow, (19:47):
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Speaker1: bit ambitious though Always dreamed of becoming Pope Started small, (19:50):
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Speaker1: mind you First he became captain of the seminary cricket team Then head of the (19:54):
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Speaker1: church jumble sale committee Eventually worked his way up to running the diocese bingo nights (19:58):
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Speaker1: But Lucky had his eye on bigger prizes He'd practice his papal wave in the mirror every morning. (20:05):
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Speaker1: Even ordered special business cards that read, Future Pope, watch this space. (20:10):
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Speaker1: The local printing shop got it wrong, though. (20:16):
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Speaker1: Spelled it Future Pope. (20:18):
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Speaker1: Wash this space. Poor fellow spent six months being mistaken for a divine window cleaner. (20:22):
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Speaker1: Now, back in 1700, they were having their own papal selection drama. (20:32):
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Speaker1: Charles II of Spain was on his last legs, you see. The Cardinals needed someone (20:37):
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Speaker1: neutral, someone diplomatic. (20:41):
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Speaker1: Bit like when our producer tried to mediate between the make-up department and (20:43):
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Speaker1: the lighting crew last week. (20:50):
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Speaker1: Ended up with everyone wearing Factor 50 sunscreen under the studio lights. (20:52):
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Speaker1: Lucky Cardinaletti would have loved to be in that conclave. (21:01):
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Speaker1: He once tried to organise his own mini-conclave in the parish hall, (21:04):
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Speaker1: invited all the local clergy for what he called a practice pope-picking party. (21:09):
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Speaker1: Unfortunately, the smoke signals from their barbecue set off the fire alarms, (21:15):
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Speaker1: and the whole thing ended with three fire engines, two police cars, (21:19):
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Speaker1: and one very angry bishop. (21:23):
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Speaker1: The real conclave in 1700 was deadlocked for ages, rather like our producer (21:25):
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Speaker1: in the car park this morning, kept going round and round in circles, looking for his space. (21:30):
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Speaker1: Turned out he'd parked in the BBC lot again. (21:35):
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Speaker1: Third time this week. (21:37):
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Speaker1: Eventually, they chose Cardinal Albani as Pope Clement XI. Young chap, only 51. (21:42):
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Speaker1: Scholarly type. Bit like Lucky Cardinaletti, actually, except Lucky's scholarship (21:49):
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Speaker1: extended mainly to memorising betting odds and perfecting his papal wave. (21:54):
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Speaker1: Last I heard of Lucky, he'd finally given up on becoming Pope, (22:00):
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Speaker1: decided to become a TV producer instead. (22:04):
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Speaker1: Funny thing is, he applied for a job here at Newsbang last week. (22:07):
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Speaker1: Martin, three shirts bang, took one look at his CV, saw former future Pope, (22:10):
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Speaker1: listed under experience, and hired him on the spot as assistant producer. (22:16):
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Speaker1: And you know what Lucky's first job was? Organising today's show about the 1700 papal conclave? (22:24):
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Speaker1: Talk about divine intervention, though I must say he's still practicing that papal wave. (22:31):
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Speaker1: Does it every time he cues the cameras? The cameramen think he's blessing them. (22:36):
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Speaker3: Just time to take a look at tomorrow's papers. (22:45):
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Speaker7: The Times Yanks (22:50):
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Speaker3: Grab Mountain in Chattanooga Romp There's a map there of a mountain The Telegraph (22:52):
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Speaker3: Go With US Ship Sunk By Japanese Torpedo Hundreds Lost (22:59):
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Speaker3: The Mail Childers Executed For Pistol Packing There's a cartoon there of a gun And the Daily Mirror (23:05):
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Speaker7: Cat Show Crowded Say Police (23:14):
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Speaker3: And that's it for tonight Tomorrow's Newsbang will be live from the gardens of Buckingham Palace. (23:17):
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Speaker3: Or not. Tune in to find out. (23:24):
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Speaker3: Newsbang was broadcast in the public interest, and we hope to have got away (23:27):
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Speaker3: with it. Well, that's all for now. (23:32):
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Speaker3: Play us out, bayonet quellers. (23:35):
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Speaker1: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (23:38):
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Speaker1: Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. All voices impersonated. (23:42):
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Speaker1: Nothing here is real. Good night. (23:49):
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Music
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Speaker3: Dutch Courage on Formosa. Company says Matu can go. (00:14):
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Speaker3: And Manchester Misery. Martyrs hanged for hanging around. (00:20):
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Speaker3: Plus, coming up, Rick Astley has announced plans to sue the entire world. (00:27):
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Speaker3: Those are the headlines, and now, I'm flatlining. (00:33):
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Speaker1: A newsbang, serving a hearty stew of facts with an extra ladle of truth. (00:41):
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Speaker1: 1963. (00:49):
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Speaker3: Panic on the streets of London today as millions witnessed a police box materialise (00:50):
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Speaker3: out of thin air, driven by what witnesses described as a grumpy old man with (00:55):
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Speaker3: a walking stick and his irritatingly attractive granddaughter. (00:59):
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Speaker3: The incident, which occurred exactly 61 years ago, (01:03):
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Speaker3: marked humanity's first contact with an alien known only as The Doctor, (01:08):
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Speaker3: who reportedly spent 45 minutes arguing with cavemen about the invention of fire. (01:14):
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Speaker0: Local dustbin man Keith Wobble described the scene. There I was, (01:20):
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Speaker0: minding my own business when this box appears with a wheezing, groaning sound. (01:25):
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Speaker0: Thought it was my mother-in-law at first. (01:29):
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Speaker3: The BBC, who captured the entire event on grainy black-and-white film, (01:33):
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Speaker3: immediately commissioned 26 episodes, despite protests from the Home Office (01:37):
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Speaker3: that time travel was un-British and might upset the horses. (01:41):
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Speaker0: The mysterious Doctor continues to regenerate to this day, each time returning (01:45):
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Speaker0: with a different face and increasingly ridiculous fashion choices. (01:50):
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Speaker0: Scientists remain baffled as to how one man can own so many question mark jumpers. (01:54):
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Speaker3: Breaking news from 1635 as Dutch traders escalate their spice war to catastrophic (02:01):
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Speaker3: levels after discovering someone had put nutmeg in their coffee without asking. (02:07):
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Speaker3: The Dutch East India Company, frustrated by their inability to control the local (02:13):
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Speaker3: cardamom cartels, launched what historians are calling Operation Absolute Overkill (02:17):
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Speaker3: against the village of Matu. (02:22):
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Speaker0: Eyewitness Hendrik van Peppapot described the scene. (02:25):
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Speaker0: There we were, trying to have a nice peaceful colonial occupation when suddenly (02:29):
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Speaker0: someone mentioned cinnamon prices. (02:33):
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Speaker0: Next thing you know, we're burning everything. It really put me off my stroopweifel. (02:35):
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Speaker3: The Dutch, partnering with rival tribe the Sinkens, who later admitted they (02:41):
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Speaker3: just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar, (02:45):
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Speaker3: unleashed what contemporary accounts describe as a right proper a mess. (02:47):
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Speaker3: Local spice merchant Wei Chang reported, they came in shouting about cloves. (02:52):
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Speaker3: Cloves. Nobody even likes cloves. (02:57):
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Speaker0: The incident marked a turning point in Dutch-Syrayan relations, (02:59):
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Speaker0: primarily because there weren't many Syrayans left to have relations with. (03:03):
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Speaker0: The Dutch East India Company later issued a statement. (03:07):
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Speaker0: Look, we just really like our spices, okay? (03:11):
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Speaker3: 1867. Chaos erupted in Manchester today as 30 to 40 Irish freedom fighters attempted (03:15):
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Speaker3: to liberate their comrades using nothing but a selection of regional accents (03:20):
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Speaker3: and some very pointy sticks. (03:24):
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Speaker3: The attack on a police van went horribly wrong when Sergeant Brett was accidentally (03:26):
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Speaker3: killed by what witnesses described as a bullet that came out of nowhere, probably Russia. (03:31):
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Speaker0: Three men were subsequently arrested and charged with being Irish in a built-up area. (03:39):
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Speaker0: Despite not firing the fatal shot, they were found guilty of having suspicious (03:44):
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Speaker0: facial hair and knowing all the words to Danny Boy. (03:48):
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Speaker3: Local fishmonger Bert Codpiece witnessed the event. It was terrifying. (03:53):
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Speaker3: One minute I'm arranging my haddock, next thing there's 40 Irishmen singing (03:58):
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Speaker3: God Save Ireland while trying to pick the lock with a potato. (04:02):
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Speaker0: The execution of the men, now known as the Manchester Martyrs, (04:05):
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Speaker0: sparked widespread outrage, particularly among those who felt that hanging was (04:10):
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Speaker0: a bit much for what was essentially a failed attempt at extreme parallel parking. (04:15):
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Speaker1: News bang, delivering unfathomable truths wrapped in the cloak of clarity. (04:23):
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Speaker0: And now, with a weather report that promises to be as unpredictable as a government (04:29):
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Speaker0: spending review, here's Shakanaka Giles. (04:34):
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Music
Speaker7: Speaking of shaky situations, exactly 44 years after (04:48):
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Speaker3: Italy's ground decided to do the hokey pokey, we're looking at some tremulous weather ourselves. (04:53):
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Speaker3: Down in the southeast expect conditions wobblier than Italian palazzo in 1980 with (05:01):
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Speaker6: Winds gusting up to 40 mm (05:10):
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Speaker3: Par enough to make your Sunday roast (05:13):
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Speaker1: Dance right off the plate (05:15):
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Speaker1: the Midlands (05:19):
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Speaker3: Will be experiencing (05:21):
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Speaker6: What I like to call November's revenge (05:22):
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Speaker3: Temperatures dropping (05:25):
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Speaker6: Faster than emergency (05:26):
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Speaker3: Response times, hovering around a brisk 3 degrees 6. (05:28):
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Speaker3: Up north, prepare for precipitation that'll leave you feeling (05:35):
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Speaker1: Like you're living in (05:39):
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Speaker3: Temporary housing. It's going to be wet, uncomfortable and lasting longer (05:40):
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Speaker1: Than a government inquiry. (05:45):
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Speaker3: In summary then, shaky winds, plummeting mercury and enough rain to make you (05:50):
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Speaker3: consider rebuilding your roof and that's all the weather. (05:56):
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Music
Speaker7: 1635 Breaking now from our earlier stories of parliamentary cheese riots, (06:08):
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Speaker3: We turn to this day in 1635 when Dutch traders decided enough was enough with (06:14):
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Speaker3: the troublesome village of Matu. (06:19):
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Speaker3: The Dutch East India Company, tired of having their spice routes disrupted, (06:21):
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Speaker3: launched what historians are calling a bit of an overreaction against local villagers. (06:26):
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Speaker3: In a twist that would make Machiavelli proud, they convinced neighbouring tribes (06:32):
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Speaker3: to join their crusade against Mattu. (06:37):
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Speaker3: For more on this historical display of colonial enthusiasm, we cross now to (06:40):
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Speaker3: our war correspondent Brian Bastable. (06:44):
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Speaker2: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the burning village of Mattu where Dutch (06:49):
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Speaker2: East India Company forces have just launched what they're calling a pacification initiative. (06:54):
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Speaker2: The air is thick with the scent of burning spices and what appears to be barbecued villager. (07:00):
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Speaker2: I've just witnessed a Dutch commander riding through on a war elephant that (07:08):
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Speaker2: he claims he found, though I suspect he's borrowed it from the local spice merchants. (07:12):
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Speaker2: The Sarayan warriors are putting up fierce resistance with an impressive display (07:18):
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Speaker2: of traditional warfare techniques, though I must say their spears are proving (07:22):
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Speaker2: somewhat ineffective against the Dutch cannons. (07:27):
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Speaker2: Oh, there goes the local nutmeg storage facility. The spice cloud is making (07:32):
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Speaker2: everyone sneeze uncontrollably, including the Dutch musketeers, (07:37):
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Speaker2: who are now shooting completely at random. (07:41):
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Speaker2: Three men just accidentally shot their own hats off. (07:44):
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Speaker2: The Sinken allies are charging through with remarkable enthusiasm, (07:52):
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Speaker2: though several appear to be stopping to loot the Pepper warehouses. (07:56):
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Speaker2: Can't blame them, really. That stuff's worth its weight in gold back in Amsterdam. (07:59):
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Speaker2: That was a flaming arrow that just passed through what used to be my favourite (08:06):
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Speaker2: writing hand. No matter, I'll continue. (08:10):
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Speaker2: The Dutch commander is now standing atop a pile of smouldering cloves, (08:13):
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Speaker2: declaring victory while simultaneously trying to extinguish his burning trousers. (08:18):
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Speaker2: The village is now completely aflame and I can confirm that colonial control (08:24):
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Speaker2: has been thoroughly established, (08:29):
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Speaker2: though at the cost of several hundred sneezing soldiers and what appears to (08:31):
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Speaker2: be every spice merchant's profit margin for the next decade. (08:36):
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Speaker2: Brian Bastable, newsbang, choking on Pepper in what used to be Matu. (08:41):
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Speaker1: 1867. (08:51):
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Speaker0: Manchester now, where three Irish nationalists have met their maker in what (08:52):
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Speaker0: critics are calling a distinctly questionable execution. (08:56):
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Speaker0: The men, whose only crime appears to be standing near a police van at an inconvenient (09:00):
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Speaker0: moment, were hanged despite not actually firing the fatal shot that killed Sergeant Brett. (09:05):
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Speaker0: The trial, described by legal experts as being twattish, has sparked outrage across Ireland. (09:12):
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Speaker0: And now, joining us with more details from outside Manchester prison, (09:19):
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Speaker0: is our crime correspondent Ken Schitt, who's been following this rather sticky wicket since dawn. (09:23):
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Speaker5: I'm standing here in Manchester, where 156 years ago today, three Irish freedom (09:31):
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Speaker5: fighters got the sharp end of British justice rammed right up their collective posterior. (09:36):
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Speaker5: The story starts with a police van stuffed to the gills with Irish Republican prisoners. (09:43):
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Speaker5: Then, bang! 30 to 40 armed men spring out like jackrabbits on methamphetamine, (09:49):
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Speaker5: trying to spring their comrades from the iron embrace of Her Majesty's finest. (09:55):
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Speaker5: But things went south faster than a migrating goose with rocket boosters. (10:01):
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Speaker5: In the ensuing chaos, Sergeant Charles Brett caught a bullet with his face, (10:06):
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Speaker5: a tragic accident that turned this rescue attempt into a full-blown murder investigation. (10:10):
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Speaker5: The British justice system, moving with the subtle grace of a drunken rhinoceros, (10:17):
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Speaker5: rounded up three men, William Allen, Michael Larkin and Michael O'Brien. (10:22):
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Speaker5: Despite not one of them pulling the trigger that killed Brett, (10:28):
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Speaker5: They were sentenced to swing from the gallows like Christmas decorations in hell. (10:31):
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Speaker5: The execution turned these men into martyrs faster than you can say, (10:38):
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Speaker5: God save Ireland, which, coincidentally, became the battle cry of a generation of angry Irishmen. (10:43):
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Speaker5: Their deaths lit a fire under the nationalist movement that burned hotter than (10:51):
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Speaker5: Satan's underwear drawer. (10:55):
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Speaker5: This is Ken Shit, reporting on a dark day in Manchester's history that turned (10:58):
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Speaker5: three ordinary men into legends. (11:03):
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Speaker5: Back to the studio, where I assume everyone's still wearing pants. (11:06):
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Speaker1: Thy newsbang, delivering unvarnished truths with a polished shine of satire. (11:13):
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Speaker1: Mmm, 1976. (11:22):
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Speaker3: Sportnow and diving correspondent Ryder Boff reports on a quite remarkable achievement (11:24):
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Speaker3: from 1976, when a Frenchman went deeper than any human before. (11:29):
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Speaker6: And now, breaking news from 1976, where Frenchman Jacques Mayol has just become (11:39):
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Speaker6: the first human being to free dive to a depth of 100 metres or 330 feet in old money. (11:44):
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Speaker6: Like a determined lettuce in a pressure cooker, Mayol plunged into the briny (11:50):
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Speaker6: deep, using nothing but a weighted sled, and what can only be described as the (11:54):
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Speaker6: world's most ambitious wetsuit. (11:58):
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Speaker6: He's going down now, ladies and gentlemen, descending like a concrete ballet (12:04):
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Speaker6: dancer into the inky depths. (12:08):
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Speaker6: The pressure at this depth could crush (12:10):
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Speaker6: a family saloon car into something resembling a tin of processed peas. (12:11):
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Speaker6: But Mayol appears to be taking it all in his stride. (12:15):
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Speaker6: His heart rate's dropped lower than my ex-wife's opinion of me, (12:18):
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Speaker6: apparently down to 27 beats per minute. (12:21):
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Speaker6: That's slower than a tortoise reading war and peace. (12:24):
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Speaker6: Mail, nicknamed the Dolphin Man due to his uncanny ability to hold his breath (12:30):
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Speaker6: and his peculiar habit of demanding fish for breakfast achieved this remarkable (12:35):
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Speaker6: feat through a combination of eastern meditation and what his trainer, (12:39):
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Speaker6: Professor Splashworth von Bubbles calls advanced yogic breathing techniques (12:43):
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Speaker6: I'm reminded of my own attempt at underwater meditation during a particularly (12:52):
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Speaker6: nasty incident at the Cleethorpes Municipal Swimming Baths in 69. (12:56):
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Speaker6: Three minutes of underwater contemplation ended with me being fished out by (13:00):
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Speaker1: The lifeguard and banned for (13:04):
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Speaker6: A fortnight for what they called excessive gurgling. (13:06):
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Speaker6: Mayol's support team included his faithful dolphin companion, (13:13):
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Speaker6: Clicky, who, according to unreliable sources, attempted to file tax returns as Mayol's dependent. (13:17):
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Speaker6: The French tax office is said to be reviewing the situation. (13:22):
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Speaker6: The achievement has sent shockwaves through the competitive diving community (13:28):
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Speaker6: with rival freediver Sebastian the Submarine Schnorkel declaring it impossible (13:32):
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Speaker6: without gills before attempting to disprove it by holding his breath in a bucket. (13:36):
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Speaker6: He was later found asleep in the bucket dreaming of seahorses. (13:41):
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Speaker6: This record-breaking dive has certainly made waves in the scientific community with Dr. (13:48):
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Speaker6: Wetsworth of the Institute of Subaquatic Peculiarities declaring it, (13:52):
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Speaker6: as impressive as finding a dry fish in a waterfall. (13:55):
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Speaker6: I've been Ryder Boff, and I'm off to practice holding my breath (13:59):
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Speaker7: In the bath. (14:02):
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Speaker7: And now over to our travel correspondent, (14:08):
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Speaker0: Polly Beep, who's monitoring the situation from our Antarctic desk, (14:10):
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Speaker0: leased from the Tyne Tees Weather Centre. (14:15):
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Speaker4: Good evening, road warriors. Breaking news from the Antarctic Peninsula, (14:20):
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Speaker4: where the MS Explorer has decided to take an unscheduled deep-sea parking manoeuvre. (14:24):
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Speaker4: If you're planning to cruise past the South Pole tonight, expect significant (14:29):
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Speaker4: delays as 154 passengers are currently participating in an impromptu polar bear paddle. (14:32):
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Speaker4: The captain, bless his cotton socks, apparently mistook an iceberg for a drive-through car wash. (14:37):
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Speaker4: Meanwhile, back on more temperate tarmac, the M6 is experiencing what we're (14:45):
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Speaker4: calling a penguin solidarity slowdown. (14:49):
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Speaker4: Drivers are waddling their vehicles at two meanwhile in support of our Antarctic (14:52):
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Speaker4: friends. Do avoid if possible. (14:57):
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Speaker4: The A34 near Oxford has developed sympathetic ice patches despite it being a balmy 12 degrees. (15:01):
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Speaker4: Local authorities suspect emotional contagion from the Antarctic news. (15:08):
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Speaker7: And if you're heading (15:15):
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Speaker4: Towards Portsmouth on the M27, be aware that several rescue helicopters are (15:16):
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Speaker4: practising their Antarctic evacuation techniques over the carriageway. (15:21):
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Speaker4: Expect sporadic hovering and the occasional drop life jacket. (15:25):
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Speaker4: Finally the dartford crossing is currently experiencing what we're calling a (15:31):
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Speaker4: maritime solidarity protest several boat enthusiasts have parked their vessels (15:35):
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Speaker4: across all lanes they're demanding (15:40):
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Speaker4: better ice detection systems for their weekend punting activities (15:42):
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Speaker4: this is polly beep reminding you to keep your life jackets handy and your anti-freeze (15:48):
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Speaker4: topped up back to you in the studio (15:54):
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Speaker3: Martin (15:56):
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Speaker3: 1963 Calamity Prenderville examines now a peculiar moment in British television history that changed (15:59):
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Speaker7: The face of science fiction forever (16:06):
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Music
Speaker0: Good evening, science watchers. On this day in 1963, British television innovation (16:19):
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Speaker0: reached new heights with the premiere of Doctor Who, a groundbreaking series (16:24):
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Speaker0: about a mysterious alien who travels through time in what appears box. (16:29):
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Speaker0: But this was no ordinary box. It was actually bigger on the inside, (16:34):
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Speaker0: thanks to revolutionary British space-folding technology developed by the Peckham (16:39):
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Speaker0: Institute of Advanced Mathematics. (16:43):
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Speaker1: The show starred William Hartnell as the Doctor, chosen for his remarkable ability (16:47):
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Speaker1: to look simultaneously confused and knowing, a skill he developed during his (16:52):
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Speaker1: years as a professional eyebrow gymnast. (16:57):
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Speaker1: The TARDIS interior was created using cutting-edge British holographic technology, (16:59):
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Speaker1: which at the time consisted of several mirrors, two torch bulbs and a retired (17:04):
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Speaker1: disco ball from the BBC Christmas Party. (17:09):
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Speaker0: The first episode featured groundbreaking special effects, including a revolutionary (17:14):
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Speaker0: wobbly-wall technique that would become a hallmark of British sci-fi. (17:18):
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Speaker0: The famous theme tune was created by feeding a kettle whistle through a prototype (17:22):
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Speaker0: Sinclair ZX-80 computer, while the iconic materialisation sound came from someone (17:27):
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Speaker0: dragging their house keys along the strings of an old piano. (17:34):
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Speaker1: Most remarkably, the show introduced the concept of regeneration, (17:38):
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Speaker1: allowing the doctor to change appearance when needed, an idea that came to producer (17:43):
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Speaker1: Verity Lambert in a dream after eating too much cheese at a BBC commissioning meeting. (17:47):
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Speaker0: Despite airing the day after President Kennedy's assassination, (17:54):
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Speaker0: the show was an instant hit, though some viewers complained that their television (17:58):
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Speaker0: sets had developed strange faults, causing them to see pepper-pot-shaped aliens everywhere. (18:02):
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Speaker0: This is Calamity Prenderville, reminding you that British innovation is always (18:08):
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Speaker0: bigger on the inside. Back to the studio. (18:13):
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Speaker1: Deal. News bang. Where the echoes of truth reverberate through history's hallways. EWC. (18:19):
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Speaker1: 1700. (18:28):
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Speaker0: Cardinal Giovanni Francesco Albani has clinched the papal crown after what witnesses (18:30):
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Speaker0: describe as the most nail-biting conclave since records began. (18:35):
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Speaker0: The 51-year-old scholar, now Pope Clement XI, emerged victorious after a month (18:40):
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Speaker0: of what Vatican insiders are calling holy deadlock. (18:47):
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Speaker0: With Spain's king Charles II looking decidedly peaky and airless, (18:51):
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Speaker0: the timing couldn't be more dramatic. (18:55):
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Speaker0: For more on this ecclesiastical earthquake, we go to our religious affairs correspondent, (18:59):
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Speaker0: Pastor Kevin Monstrance, who's been camping outside St. Peter's since October. (19:04):
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Speaker1: Good evening, blessed viewers. You know, just before coming on air tonight, (19:16):
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Speaker1: our dear producer, let's call him Martin Three Shirtsbang, was in quite a tizzy (19:21):
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Speaker1: about the historical significance of today's date, (19:27):
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Speaker1: nearly knocked over his collection of papal memorabilia trying to explain it to me. (19:30):
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Speaker1: Did you know he collects papal snow globes? Has one for every antipope. (19:34):
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Speaker1: Speaking of which, reminds me of a chap I knew back in seminary Father Aloysius (19:42):
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Speaker1: Lucky Cardinaletti Lovely fellow, (19:47):
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Speaker1: bit ambitious though Always dreamed of becoming Pope Started small, (19:50):
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Speaker1: mind you First he became captain of the seminary cricket team Then head of the (19:54):
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Speaker1: church jumble sale committee Eventually worked his way up to running the diocese bingo nights (19:58):
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Speaker1: But Lucky had his eye on bigger prizes He'd practice his papal wave in the mirror every morning. (20:05):
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Speaker1: Even ordered special business cards that read, Future Pope, watch this space. (20:10):
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Speaker1: The local printing shop got it wrong, though. (20:16):
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Speaker1: Spelled it Future Pope. (20:18):
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Speaker1: Wash this space. Poor fellow spent six months being mistaken for a divine window cleaner. (20:22):
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Speaker1: Now, back in 1700, they were having their own papal selection drama. (20:32):
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Speaker1: Charles II of Spain was on his last legs, you see. The Cardinals needed someone (20:37):
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Speaker1: neutral, someone diplomatic. (20:41):
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Speaker1: Bit like when our producer tried to mediate between the make-up department and (20:43):
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Speaker1: the lighting crew last week. (20:50):
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Speaker1: Ended up with everyone wearing Factor 50 sunscreen under the studio lights. (20:52):
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Speaker1: Lucky Cardinaletti would have loved to be in that conclave. (21:01):
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Speaker1: He once tried to organise his own mini-conclave in the parish hall, (21:04):
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Speaker1: invited all the local clergy for what he called a practice pope-picking party. (21:09):
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Speaker1: Unfortunately, the smoke signals from their barbecue set off the fire alarms, (21:15):
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Speaker1: and the whole thing ended with three fire engines, two police cars, (21:19):
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Speaker1: and one very angry bishop. (21:23):
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Speaker1: The real conclave in 1700 was deadlocked for ages, rather like our producer (21:25):
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Speaker1: in the car park this morning, kept going round and round in circles, looking for his space. (21:30):
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Speaker1: Turned out he'd parked in the BBC lot again. (21:35):
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Speaker1: Third time this week. (21:37):
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Speaker1: Eventually, they chose Cardinal Albani as Pope Clement XI. Young chap, only 51. (21:42):
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Speaker1: Scholarly type. Bit like Lucky Cardinaletti, actually, except Lucky's scholarship (21:49):
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Speaker1: extended mainly to memorising betting odds and perfecting his papal wave. (21:54):
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Speaker1: Last I heard of Lucky, he'd finally given up on becoming Pope, (22:00):
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Speaker1: decided to become a TV producer instead. (22:04):
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Speaker1: Funny thing is, he applied for a job here at Newsbang last week. (22:07):
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Speaker1: Martin, three shirts bang, took one look at his CV, saw former future Pope, (22:10):
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Speaker1: listed under experience, and hired him on the spot as assistant producer. (22:16):
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Speaker1: And you know what Lucky's first job was? Organising today's show about the 1700 papal conclave? (22:24):
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Speaker1: Talk about divine intervention, though I must say he's still practicing that papal wave. (22:31):
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Speaker1: Does it every time he cues the cameras? The cameramen think he's blessing them. (22:36):
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Speaker3: Just time to take a look at tomorrow's papers. (22:45):
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Speaker7: The Times Yanks (22:50):
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Speaker3: Grab Mountain in Chattanooga Romp There's a map there of a mountain The Telegraph (22:52):
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Speaker3: Go With US Ship Sunk By Japanese Torpedo Hundreds Lost (22:59):
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Speaker3: The Mail Childers Executed For Pistol Packing There's a cartoon there of a gun And the Daily Mirror (23:05):
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Speaker7: Cat Show Crowded Say Police (23:14):
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Speaker3: And that's it for tonight Tomorrow's Newsbang will be live from the gardens of Buckingham Palace. (23:17):
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Speaker3: Or not. Tune in to find out. (23:24):
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Speaker3: Newsbang was broadcast in the public interest, and we hope to have got away (23:27):
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Speaker3: with it. Well, that's all for now. (23:32):
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Speaker3: Play us out, bayonet quellers. (23:35):
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Speaker1: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (23:38):
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Speaker1: Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. All voices impersonated. (23:42):
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Speaker1: Nothing here is real. Good night. (23:49):
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