Quirky Octopus Tea Party

The latest episode of the news show delves into a whirlwind of historical and contemporary events, presented through a humorous and satirical lens. The segment kicks off with a cheeky reference to Nazi war criminals facing justice at the Nuremberg trials, where 24 prominent leaders were found guilty of heinous crimes. The narrative highlights the absurdity of some of the defendants' defenses, particularly Hermann Göring's dramatic attempt to evade sentencing by swallowing cyanide, and Albert Speer's attempts at mitigation through claims of mere "interior decorating." The show's correspondent humorously points out that despite the trials marking a significant legal milestone in international law, they were undermined by technicalities regarding courtroom decorum and the limitations of dramatic pause lengths. Critics are noted to question the real value of such proceedings, while the ultimate takeaway from the trials is summarized in a comically simplistic maxim: don’t commit genocide. The episode then transitions to a lighthearted recounting of British Admiral Edward Vernon's improbable victory over the Spanish at Portobello in 1739, humorously juxtaposing military prowess with children's playfulness by mentioning that Vernon utilized a rubber duck in his naval assault. The report recalls how Vernon, dressed flamboyantly, reportedly bombarded a Spanish fortress while singing "Rule Britannia" through a megaphone, marking a victory celebrated with a ludicrous giant ear trophy made from melted Spanish gold. The absurdity continues as the Spanish garrison allegedly surrendered under the threat of enduring Vernon's exhaustive repertoire of sea shanties. In a dramatic shift, the show covers chaotic events in Mecca where rioting militants took control of the Grand Mosque, with their leader laying claim to the title of 'Mahdi' after a humorous interpretation of ‘religious musical chairs’. The correspondent cleverly portrays Saudi authorities’ flustered response as they call in French special forces equipped with an unusual arsenal of baguettes filled with explosives, eventually ending the siege with a barrage of annoying French tunes. The weather update takes a whimsical turn, with vivid metaphors painting a humorous picture of the impending cold temperatures and slushy conditions across various regions of the UK. The forecast, delivered with comic flair, invites listeners to prepare for plummeting temperatures while showcasing the meteorologist's colorful metaphors. Moving forward, the news show covers a historical account from 1945 about the initial international efforts to address war crimes. Correspondents provide sharp commentary on the court proceedings, highlighting the new legal categories introduced to address the atrocities faced during World War II, while intertwining dark humor about the defendants' conditions in a courtroom setting. The narrative then delves into the breaking news of the Lusaka Protocol in 1994, a peace agreement aiming to quell decades of conflict in Angola. The absurdities of a peace deal stained with coffee provide comedic commentary on the fragile nature of peace processes amidst ongoing tensions. Transitioning to a more modern event from 1969, the show humorously recounts Native American activists' audacious takeover of Alcatraz Island, transforming the infamous prison into a 'university of understanding.' The light-hearted segment on the occupation not only highlights the activists’ struggle for recognition but brings attention to the poignant complexities stemming from their efforts. In an uproariously nostalgic recount from 1902, the origins of the Tour de France are humorously reimagined as a marketing ploy born from fierce competition between rival newspapers, illustrating how even the most storied events can have surprisingly comical origins. The segment wraps up with a whimsical dive into the royal wedding of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip in 1947, complete with tales of rationin

Episode Transcript

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Speaker1: Hitler's old chums finally get caught date in Nuremberg frenzy. (00:09):
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Speaker5: British ears disappear in Spanish Maine without a fight. (00:16):
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Speaker1: And Mahdi Shmadi. Rioting Muslims take Mecca hostage. (00:22):
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Speaker1: And later in the program we ask, Can Malawi and Honey produce three chemical (00:29):
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Speaker1: sisters to play Chimera Island's biggest jazz gig ever? Three caressed wizards (00:34):
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Speaker1: bleeding twisted oxygen. Well, can they? (00:40):
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Speaker1: Those are the headlines. Tune in before the (00:44):
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Speaker5: Next oil shortage. (00:47):
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Speaker5: OK, news bang. (00:51):
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Speaker2: Wielding the sword of truth in a battle against banality. 1945. (00:54):
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Speaker3: The Nuremberg war crimes trials have ended in scenes of unprecedented tedium, (01:00):
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Speaker3: with 24 Nazi leaders found guilty of being absolute rotters. (01:05):
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Speaker3: The defendants, who spent most of the trial claiming they were only following (01:10):
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Speaker3: orders, were told by the judge that this excuse was about as valid as (01:14):
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Speaker3: Leading (01:21):
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Speaker1: Nazi Hermann Göring attempted to avoid his sentence by swallowing cyanide, (01:21):
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Speaker1: which the prosecution argued was just showing off. (01:26):
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Speaker1: Albert Speer, Hitler's architect, tried to defend himself by saying he was just (01:29):
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Speaker1: doing some interior decorating, but was found guilty anyway. (01:34):
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Speaker3: Eyewitness Doris Kettle, who attended all 216 days of the trial, (01:38):
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Speaker3: said she was disappointed by the lack of refreshments and called the whole thing a bit of a downer. (01:43):
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Speaker3: The tribunal established new legal precedents for international law, (01:48):
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Speaker3: though critics argue these were mainly about proper courtroom attire and the (01:53):
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Speaker3: maximum acceptable length for dramatic pauses. (01:57):
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Speaker1: The trials concluded with the establishment of several principles, (01:59):
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Speaker1: including, don't do genocide and, if someone tells you to do genocide, maybe don't. (02:03):
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Speaker1: The proceedings have been hailed as a triumph of justice, despite complaints (02:08):
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Speaker1: about the quality of the courthouse vending machines. (02:13):
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Speaker2: Denny Dunn, 1739 (02:15):
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Speaker3: British Admiral Edward Vernon has captured the Spanish port of Portobello using (02:19):
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Speaker3: just six ships and a rubber duck. (02:24):
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Speaker3: The assault began when Vernon, reportedly dressed as a pantomime dame, (02:27):
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Speaker3: bombarded the Spanish fortress while singing Rule Britannia through a megaphone. (02:31):
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Speaker1: The victory comes as part of the War of Jenkins' Ear, named after British Captain (02:36):
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Speaker1: Robert Jenkins, who lost his ear to an overzealous Spanish barber in 1731. (02:41):
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Speaker1: The ear, preserved in brandy, later served as First Lord of the Admiralty. (02:46):
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Speaker3: Admiral Vernon, celebrating his victory, declared, This proves once and for (02:52):
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Speaker3: all that British ships are better than Spanish ones, mainly because ours float the right way up. (02:57):
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Speaker3: He then ordered all captured Spanish gold to be melted down and reformed into (03:02):
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Speaker3: a giant ear-shaped trophy. (03:07):
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Speaker1: The Spanish garrison surrendered after Vernon threatened to make them listen (03:10):
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Speaker1: to his complete collection of sea shanties, including his infamous 12-hour version (03:13):
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Speaker1: of What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor? (03:18):
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Speaker1: For 1979. (03:21):
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Speaker3: Chaos erupted at the Grand Mosque today as armed militants stormed the holy (03:24):
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Speaker3: site, declaring their leader to be the promised Mahdi after he won a game of (03:29):
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Speaker3: religious musical chairs. (03:33):
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Speaker3: The self-proclaimed messiah, wearing what witnesses described as a rather fetching (03:35):
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Speaker3: ensemble of combat gear and designer sunglasses. (03:40):
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Speaker3: Announced his arrival by singing I'm Every Mahdi through a loudspeaker. (03:46):
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Speaker1: Saudi authorities, caught completely off-guard and reportedly a bit miffed, (03:52):
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Speaker1: were forced to call in French special forces, who arrived wearing berets and (03:56):
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Speaker1: carrying baguettes filled with explosives. (04:00):
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Speaker1: Local kebab shop owner Abdul Al-Kababi told our correspondent, (04:03):
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Speaker1: First they took my parking space, then they took the mosque. (04:08):
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Speaker1: This is getting ridiculous. (04:11):
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Speaker3: The two-week siege finally ended when French commandos deployed their secret weapon. (04:13):
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Speaker3: A recording of Maurice Chevalier singing, thank heaven for little girls on continuous loop. (04:19):
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Speaker3: The militants surrendered after just six hours of this psychological warfare, (04:25):
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Speaker3: with one reportedly begging, please, no more French crooning, we'll do anything. (04:31):
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Speaker2: Wodai, newsbang, galloping through the fields of fiction with hooves of truth. (04:40):
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Speaker1: Weather now. Here's Shakanaka Giles here now. (04:47):
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Speaker1: Right then, southeast (05:01):
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Speaker2: Looking grimmer than a turkey reading tomorrow's menu, expect temperatures to (05:03):
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Speaker2: plummet faster than your aunt's expectations at dinner, around three cloudy (05:08):
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Speaker2: with a wind chill that'll have your Woolies working overtime. (05:13):
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Speaker2: Midlands you're in for a proper November treat, sleet and drizzle mixing together (05:20):
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Speaker2: like an indecisive cocktail. (05:26):
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Speaker2: Scotland bundle up my tartan clad friends, (05:32):
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Speaker1: It's going to (05:36):
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Speaker2: Be colder (05:36):
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Speaker1: Than a penguins hoo-ha with highs of (05:37):
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Speaker2: 1 tornadie and enough frost to make your haggis shiver. (05:40):
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Speaker2: In some (05:46):
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Speaker1: Denis Dane, 1739. (05:58):
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Speaker3: British naval forces have absolutely walloped the Spanish at Portobello in what (06:02):
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Speaker3: experts are calling a bit of an ear-for-an-ear situation. (06:06):
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Speaker3: Admiral Vernon, commanding just six ships, has demonstrated that size isn't (06:11):
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Speaker3: everything in naval warfare. (06:16):
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Speaker3: The Spanish, who previously thought cutting off a British captain's ear was (06:18):
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Speaker3: a splendid idea, are now reconsidering their life choices. (06:22):
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Speaker3: For more on this rather eerie tale of maritime supremacy, we cross live via (06:26):
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Speaker3: our time telephone to Brian Bastable, who's been speaking to Admiral Vernon's left temporal lobe. (06:31):
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Speaker4: This is Brian Bastable, reporting live from the blood-soaked shores of Portobello, (06:39):
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Speaker4: where just moments ago Admiral Vernon's ships unleashed hell upon the Spanish fortifications. (06:44):
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Speaker4: The Iron Castle is living up to its name by becoming a molten puddle of screaming (06:50):
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Speaker4: soldiers and displaced masonry. (06:55):
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Speaker4: I've just witnessed three Spanish defenders attempting to swim to safety while (06:59):
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Speaker4: carrying their own legs. (07:04):
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Speaker4: The efficiency of British naval bombardment is quite remarkable. (07:06):
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Speaker4: Earlier I saw a man's moustache blown clean off (07:11):
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Speaker1: His face and land in his soup. (07:14):
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Speaker4: The Spanish commander is now frantically waving what appears to be a white flag, (07:19):
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Speaker4: though it might just be the remains of someone's undergarments, (07:24):
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Speaker4: rather sporting of him considering half his torso is currently decorating the castle battlements. (07:27):
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Speaker4: Oh, there goes the warehouse, fascinating how Spanish silver coins make such effective shrapnel. (07:35):
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Speaker4: The harbour is absolutely teeming (07:41):
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Speaker4: with debris and the occasional floating dignity of the Spanish Empire. (07:44):
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Speaker4: Vernon's six ships are performing an elegant ballet of destruction. (07:51):
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Speaker4: Poetry in motion, really, if poetry involved dismembered limbs and the screams of fleeing merchants. (07:55):
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Speaker4: The Spanish defences are crumbling faster than a soggy biscuit in a naval officer's tea. (08:02):
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Speaker4: I must say, for a fortress called iron, it's displaying remarkable properties (08:08):
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Speaker4: of paper. This is less a battle and more a forceful redecoration of the Spanish main. (08:14):
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Speaker4: Brian Bastable, newsbang, ducking behind what's left of the governor's prized rosebush. (08:20):
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Speaker1: 1945 The world's first international war crimes trial opens in Nuremberg today. (08:27):
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Speaker1: 24 Nazi leaders face charges in what observers are calling history's most awkward reunion. (08:33):
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Speaker1: The defendants reportedly complained about the courtroom chairs being less comfortable (08:39):
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Speaker1: than their previous positions of power. (08:43):
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Speaker1: In an unprecedented move, I was just following orders has been officially struck (08:46):
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Speaker1: from the list of acceptable excuses, alongside the dog ate my war plans, (08:51):
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Speaker1: and I thought it was just a fancy dress party. (08:56):
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Speaker1: For more on this historic moment of justice, we cross live to our crime correspondent, (08:59):
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Speaker1: Ken Schitt, who's been investigating whether the defendant's morning porridge (09:05):
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Speaker1: meets international standards. (09:09):
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Speaker6: Yeah, I'm standing here in Nuremberg, where justice just kicked down the door (09:13):
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Speaker6: wearing steel-toed boots. (09:17):
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Speaker6: 24 Nazi bastards are about to find out that following orders isn't worth a bucket (09:19):
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Speaker6: of warm piss when you've committed crimes that would make Satan himself throw up in his mouth. (09:24):
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Speaker6: The prosecution's bringing receipts, people. Mountains of documented evidence (09:31):
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Speaker6: that'll make your stomach turn inside out. (09:35):
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Speaker6: These specimens of human garbage thought they could hide behind their fancy (09:39):
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Speaker6: uniforms and just following orders bullshit. (09:43):
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Speaker6: But guess what? That dog won't hunt anymore. (09:45):
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Speaker6: Four allied powers have come together like the world's angriest barbershop quartet (09:49):
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Speaker6: to deliver a symphony of justice. (09:54):
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Speaker6: They're not just trying these walking turds for war crimes. they've invented (09:57):
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Speaker6: a whole new category called Crimes Against Humanity because the existing laws (10:00):
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Speaker6: weren't enough to cover the depth of their depravity. (10:06):
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Speaker6: Some of these defendants are sitting there looking like they've just been asked (10:11):
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Speaker6: to explain their homework to the teacher. (10:14):
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Speaker6: Well, Sunshine, this ain't detention. This is humanity's report card, (10:17):
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Speaker6: and you just failed every subject including basic human decency. (10:22):
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Speaker6: This trial isn't just about punishment. It's about setting a precedent that'll (10:27):
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Speaker6: echo through history like a thunderclap of accountability. (10:31):
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Speaker6: Ken Schitt, reporting from the courtroom where evil's about to get its ass handed (10:34):
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Speaker6: to it on a silver platter. (10:39):
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Speaker2: At Fatih, 1994. (10:42):
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Speaker1: Breaking news from 1994 as the Lusaka Protocol brings a temporary halt to decades (10:45):
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Speaker1: of Angolan bloodshed in what observers are calling a peace agreement with more (10:50):
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Speaker1: holes than Swiss cheese. (10:55):
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Speaker1: Government forces and UNITA rebels have agreed to stop shooting each other, (10:57):
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Speaker1: at least until they've had time to reload. (11:01):
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Speaker1: The deal, signed in Zambia, includes provisions for military integration, (11:06):
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Speaker1: meaning soldiers will now have to share their tanks and take turns using the good rifles. (11:10):
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Speaker1: For more on this story of temporary tranquility and troubled times, (11:15):
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Speaker1: we cross to our political correspondent Hardeman Pesto, who's been following (11:18):
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Speaker1: events from a safe distance. (11:22):
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Speaker1: I'm here in Lusaka with noted peace expert Dr. (11:24):
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Speaker1: Bungle Peacecraft, and we're witnessing what can only be described as a historic (11:27):
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Speaker1: moment for Angola Martin. (11:32):
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Speaker1: And what exactly are you witnessing, Pesto? Well, the ink is still wet on the paper, Martin. (11:34):
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Speaker1: Literally wet. Someone spilled coffee on it, actually. (11:40):
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Speaker7: If I might interject, this is a crucial moment for... Dr. (11:43):
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Speaker1: Peacecraft, please wait. Pesto, are you telling me someone spilled coffee on the Lusaka Protocol? (11:47):
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Speaker1: Well, more of a light tea stain, really. But the important thing is both sides (11:53):
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Speaker1: have agreed to stop fighting. (11:58):
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Speaker1: And how confident are you about this agreement? (12:00):
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Speaker1: Absolutely certain, Martin. Peace in our time, Dr. Peacecraft here, (12:03):
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Speaker1: has been instrumental in... (12:07):
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Speaker7: Actually, I have serious reservations about... (12:09):
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Speaker1: Complete success. Total peace. Forever. Dr. Peacecraft, you were trying to say something? (12:11):
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Speaker5: Yes. (12:18):
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Speaker7: The fundamental issue is that neither side has agreed to... (12:19):
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Speaker1: Look, they're shaking hands, although one of them seems to be making a gun shape (12:23):
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Speaker1: with his fingers behind his back. (12:27):
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Speaker1: Is that not perhaps significant, Pesto? No, no, just a local custom, (12:29):
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Speaker1: like crossing your fingers or throwing salt over your shoulder. It most certainly is (12:34):
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Speaker7: Not a local... (12:39):
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Speaker1: Dr. Peacecraft agrees with me completely. Does he? Because it looks like he's trying to strangle you. (12:40):
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Speaker1: Another local custom, Martin. Very peaceful people, the Angolans. (12:48):
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Speaker1: Pesto, thank you. And Dr. Peacecraft, please release our correspondent's neck. (12:53):
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Speaker2: 1969. (13:00):
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Speaker3: Native American activists have seized control of Alcatraz Island in the most (13:01):
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Speaker3: audacious prison break-in in American history. (13:06):
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Speaker3: The occupiers, citing a treaty older than most prison guards' sandwiches, (13:09):
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Speaker3: are demanding the former federal penitentiary be transformed into what they're (13:14):
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Speaker3: calling a university of understanding, complete with gift shop. (13:18):
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Speaker5: Radio Free Alcatraz (13:23):
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Speaker3: Is now broadcasting to the mainland, though sources say the playlist is somewhat limited. (13:24):
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Speaker3: And now over to our American correspondent Melody Wintergreen, (13:29):
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Speaker3: who's standing by on a rather wet rock in San Francisco Bay. (13:34):
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Speaker0: Alcatraz Island, 1969. (13:40):
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Speaker0: Melody Wintergreen here, reporting live from the rock, where the only thing (13:45):
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Speaker0: harder than the concrete is the spirit of resistance. (13:50):
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Speaker0: Forget those Hollywood prison breaks, folks. This is the real deal. (13:57):
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Speaker0: Native American activists have taken over Alcatraz, turning this former fortress (14:01):
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Speaker0: of despair into a symbol of hope and defiance. (14:06):
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Speaker0: Led by Richard Oakes, these Indians of all tribes have invoked an old treaty (14:10):
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Speaker0: and declared this island their own. (14:15):
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Speaker0: They're calling it a university of understanding, complete with a planned gift (14:20):
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Speaker0: shop and a radio station, Radio Free Alcatraz. (14:25):
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Speaker0: The playlist may be a little repetitive, apparently they're big fans of traditional (14:28):
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Speaker0: drumming, but their message is loud and clear. (14:33):
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Speaker0: Native American rights are human rights. (14:36):
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Speaker0: But this occupation has seen its share of heartache. The tragic death of Oaks' (14:43):
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Speaker0: young stepdaughter cast a pall over the island, a stark reminder of the fragility (14:48):
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Speaker0: of life and the weight of this struggle. (14:53):
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Speaker0: As negotiations with the government drag on, the future of Alcatraz hangs in the balance. (14:58):
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Speaker0: Will it become a sanctuary, a symbol of indigenous sovereignty? (15:05):
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Speaker0: Or will the government crush this uprising, sending these activists back to the margins? (15:09):
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Speaker0: The world is watching, and the tide of history is turning. (15:15):
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Speaker0: This is Melody Wintergreen, from Alcatraz, where the fight for justice is as (15:20):
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Speaker0: relentless as the waves crashing against these rocky shores. (15:26):
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Speaker2: And a news bang, reaching for the stars while anchored in reality's waters. (15:32):
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Speaker2: Ooh, 1902. (15:42):
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Speaker1: And now, a peculiar tale from the archives of Sporting History. (15:44):
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Speaker1: Our correspondent Ryder Boff reports on the birth of what would become cycling's (15:47):
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Speaker1: greatest spectacle from the smoky backrooms of French newspaper offices in 1902. (15:53):
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Speaker2: Breaking news from 1902 and the world of competitive newspaper publishing has taken a peculiar turn. (16:04):
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Speaker2: Young sports journalist Gio Leggy Lefevre has proposed what can only be described (16:10):
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Speaker2: as the most preposterous marketing strategy since my aunt Mildred tried to sell (16:14):
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Speaker2: knitted codpieces at the village fat. (16:18):
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Speaker2: During a tense meeting at Lauteau newspaper, struggling harder than a one-armed (16:23):
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Speaker2: man in a clapping competition, Lefevre suggested they should organise a cycling (16:27):
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Speaker2: race around the entirety of France. The room fell silent, like that awkward (16:31):
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Speaker2: moment when I proposed to my second wife at my first wife's funeral. (16:35):
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Speaker2: You see, L'Auto has been locked in a bitter circulation war with rival paper (16:41):
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Speaker2: Lavello, much like my ongoing feud with that insufferable science correspondent (16:45):
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Speaker2: Calamity Prenderville over the (16:49):
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Speaker5: Last pain au chocolat in the staff room. (16:51):
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Speaker2: Lavello, supporting that Dreyfus chap, has been selling papers faster than hot (16:55):
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Speaker2: croissants at a mime convention. (17:00):
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Speaker2: While Lauto's numbers have been dropping like a lead baguette. (17:02):
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Speaker2: And here we are at the crucial moment. Lefebvre standing up, (17:10):
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Speaker2: gesturing wildly with his hands. (17:13):
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Speaker2: The newspaper moguls looking on, their moustaches twitching with anticipation. He's going for it. (17:15):
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Speaker2: Yes, he's proposed it. A race around France. (17:20):
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Speaker5: The rumour erupts. Well, when I say erupts, (17:23):
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Speaker2: More of a gentle murmur, really, but by French standards, that's practically a riot. (17:26):
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Speaker2: The proposed race would see cyclists pedaling through every corner of France, (17:34):
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Speaker2: presumably stopping only for wine, cheese and the occasional existential crisis. (17:38):
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Speaker2: It's exactly the sort of mad scheme that could work, rather like my brief stint (17:42):
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Speaker2: running a badger-themed dating agency in Basildon. (17:46):
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Speaker2: Lotto's editor, Henri Le Moustache des Granges, reportedly stroked his impressive (17:53):
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Speaker2: facial hair thoughtfully before declaring Magnifique, though sources close to (17:58):
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Speaker2: the meeting suggest he may have just been removing croissant crumbs from his whiskers. (18:02):
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Speaker2: The whole affair reminds me of my own cycling days before the unfortunate incident (18:09):
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Speaker2: with the penny farthing and the escaped circus bear in 1884. (18:13):
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Speaker2: I still can't look at a unicycle without getting the shivers. (18:17):
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Speaker2: Mark my words, this Tour de France thing will never catch on. (18:23):
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Speaker2: Next thing you know, they'll be suggesting we broadcast sport on television. (18:27):
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Speaker2: I've been Ryder Boff, and that's the news from 1902. (18:30):
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Speaker2: News bang! Navigating the cosmic soup of information with laser precision. (18:41):
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Speaker3: And now, our royal correspondent Sandy O. (18:49):
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Speaker3: Shaughnessy with his uniquely personal take on the 1947 royal wedding, (18:52):
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Speaker3: complete with what he assures me are absolutely verified historical facts. (18:56):
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Speaker7: Ah, good evening, good evening, and thrice good evening, and what an evening (19:07):
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Speaker7: it is to delve into the Royal Archives. (19:11):
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Speaker7: Ah, you know, speaking of royal weddings, I was just reminiscing about that (19:13):
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Speaker7: magical day in 1947, when our dear Princess Elizabeth tied the knot with young Philip Mountbatten. (19:20):
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Speaker7: Now there's a love story that would make even J.R. Ewing blush. (19:27):
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Speaker7: Picture this. Post-war Britain, everyone's still on rations, (19:32):
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Speaker7: and our future queen had to scratch together 200 clothing coupons just to get (19:37):
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Speaker7: her wedding dress sorted. (19:42):
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Speaker7: I received a touching letter from Mrs. Gladys Trumpet of Cork just this morning, (19:46):
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Speaker7: saying her mother saved up sugar rations for months just to bake a cake in celebration. (19:50):
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Speaker7: Though, between you and me, listeners I hear it turned out more like a brick (19:55):
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Speaker7: than a victorious sponge The BBC was there, (20:00):
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Speaker7: broadcasting it to millions Though young Timothy O'Malley from Galway writes (20:06):
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Speaker7: in to tell me His granny was convinced it was all done with puppets (20:10):
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Speaker7: Bless her, cotton socks (20:14):
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Speaker7: You know, it reminds me of my own cousin Seamus' wedding back in 82 He too married (20:19):
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Speaker7: a military man Though in his case it was a traffic warden from Limerick With (20:24):
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Speaker7: delusions of grandeur And a peculiar habit of directing invisible cars in his sleep (20:28):
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Speaker7: But back to our royal lovebirds 10,000 seed (20:35):
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Speaker7: pearls on that dress if you please Imported from America they were Though Maureen (20:39):
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Speaker7: from Dublin swears blind Her aunt's cousin's neighbour's budgie Laid them all (20:43):
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Speaker7: personally The stories people tell me I tell you And there's Philip bless him, (20:48):
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Speaker7: giving up his Greek and Danish titles faster than my Uncle Paddy dropping his (20:56):
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Speaker7: plans for sobriety every New Year's Eve. (20:59):
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Speaker7: Though between you and me, listeners, I hear he kept a feta cheese addiction well into the 90s. (21:02):
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Speaker7: Now, as the evening draws in and the moths gather round our studio's only working (21:11):
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Speaker7: light bulb, I'll leave you with that thought. (21:15):
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Speaker7: And remember, whether you're royal or regular, love is love, (21:18):
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Speaker7: though it helps if one of you owns half of Scotland. (21:23):
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Speaker7: This is Sandy O'Shaughnessy, signing off until tomorrow. Keep those letters (21:30):
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Speaker7: coming. And as always, see you later, alligator. (21:34):
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Speaker2: News bang! Unveiling the curtain of illusion with (21:49):
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Speaker7: A roar of facts. (21:53):
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Speaker5: And it's time (21:56):
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Speaker1: To wrap up the show with a look at tomorrow's papers. (21:57):
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Speaker1: The Times Internment camp closed Californians relieved There's a photograph there of an empty camp. (22:03):
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Speaker1: The Telegraph (22:16):
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Speaker1: Tamerlane goes on the rampage in Tbilisi. There's an artist's impression of Tamerlane with a sword. (22:20):
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Speaker1: The Independent lead with IRA vs British, Day of Terror in Dublin. (22:30):
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Speaker1: There's a full-page analysis of the incident. (22:36):
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Speaker1: While the Mirror have fashion feature, return of the trouser stripe. (22:42):
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Speaker1: We understand the chap featured in the fashion article on trousers was paid. (22:48):
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Speaker1: They didn't give us a receipt. (22:52):
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Speaker1: And that's it. So no doubts the blazing choir will no longer roam in fair Oxford tonight. (22:54):
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Speaker2: Cheers. Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (23:00):
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Speaker2: Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. (23:06):
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Speaker2: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. (23:11):
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