SEASON FINALE: Quixotic Quails Quest

Title: Newsbang: An Absurd Escapade Through Bank Heists, Batting Feats, and Cosmic Capers Description: Welcome to the final episode of Newsbang (for now), where we dive headfirst into the delightful chaos of history, showcasing tales that blend the outlandish with the hilarious. In this whirlwind journey, we explore the follies of 19th-century robbers, sporting shenanigans, ancient political intrigue, and even a cosmic adventure around Jupiter. With a sprinkle of wit and a hearty dash of satire, we examine how each kaleidoscopic vignette contributes to the larger narrative of human absurdity and resilience. Segments: **The Audacious Heist of Jesse James** We commence our escapade in Gallatin, Missouri, in the fateful year of 1869, where the infamous Jesse James and his gang embark on their inaugural bank robbery—an event that would catapult them into the annals of infamy. Amidst brandished weapons and frantic demands, the heist devolves into an almost farcical fiasco as the notorious outlaws emerge not with riches but with a satchel full of worthless papers. We chew over eyewitness accounts, including the peculiar intermission where a member of the gang paused to help an elderly lady cross the street. With humor sharper than a bank teller's wits, we dissect the episode that marked the birth of a legend fueled by desperation, post-war poverty, and a complete misunderstanding of financial assets. **Cricket Madness: Jack Fingleton’s Batting Terrorism** Next, we rocket forward to the cricketing drama of 1936, where Australia’s own Jack Fingleton delivers a series of masterful strokes that leave the English bowlers quaking in their flannels. Described as nothing less than "batting terrorism," Fingleton’s remarkable achievement of securing four consecutive centuries raises eyebrows and sparks a playful debate about the very nature of sport itself. Eyewitness accounts scream about chaos and confusion while betting shops refuse payouts on what they label an "obviously fixed sequence." Join us as we revel in the comic absurdity of a game that, against all odds, becomes a battleground for national pride and sporting integrity. **Saturday, Again? A Temporal Crisis** In an unexpected twist that seems to baffle even the most astute calendar aficionados, our next narrative reveals the catastrophic repetition of Saturdays—an outrageous chronicle that culminates in mass panic at local supermarkets as citizens grapple with yet another weekend upon them. Experts weigh in on this alarming case of temporal déjà vu, advising the populace on appropriate hangover cures and essential weekend activities as societal norms hang precariously amidst the reeling heads of confused shoppers. **World War II and the Canoes of Chaos** Transitioning to the wartime exploits of 1942, we uncover the daring tale of Operation Frankton, where Royal Marines embark on a stealthy mission through treacherous waters armed only with canoes and a hefty dose of audacity. Our war correspondent, Brian Bastable, narrates a harrowing approach, filled with humor, peril, and unexpected encounters with nature that illustrate both the bravery and absurdity of wartime tactics. As the marines set out to disrupt Nazi supply lines, the ridiculousness of their situation becomes a testament to human endeavor amidst chaos. **A Dramatic Political Assassination in Rome** We then wade into the dark waters of 43 BC with the assassination of Cicero, a key figure in the turbulent politics of ancient Rome. The once-great orator's critique of the growing powers seals his fate, marking an ominous shift from republic to empire. Amid cringeworthy commentary and oversharing about the beheading process, our correspondent Hardeman Pesto provides a surprisingly light-hearted exploration of death, democracy, and dramatic irony, illustrating that even in death, the insatiable desire for narrative never waivers. **The Eerie Battle of Prairie Grove, 1862** Returning once more to 1862, we find ourselves ami

Episode Transcript

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Speaker2: December 7th is Judgment Day. Tonight's true crime stories. (00:08):
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Speaker2: American Jesse, professional thief, lifts Gallatin. (00:16):
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Speaker2: Fingleton fastest to 400s, not by train. (00:22):
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Speaker2: And space shuttle wheelie bin arrives at gas giant. (00:28):
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Speaker2: Plus, coming up, what's the best way to fight off polar bears? (00:33):
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Speaker2: Those are the headlines. Garble to fade. (00:40):
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Speaker0: News bang, punching through the puerile problem of prevarication and propaganda. (00:47):
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Speaker0: 1869. (00:56):
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Speaker1: Breaking news from Missouri, where notorious outlaw Jesse James has committed (00:57):
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Speaker1: his first bank robbery with all the finesse of a rhino in boxing gloves. (01:02):
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Speaker1: The gang burst into the Davies County Savings Association, brandishing weapons (01:06):
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Speaker1: and demanding money, only to escape with a bag full of worthless papers and (01:11):
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Speaker1: a subscription to Reader's Digest. (01:17):
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Speaker2: Eyewitness Gertrude Spittleworth described the scene. (01:20):
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Speaker2: They were terrifying, though one of them did stop to help my grandmother cross (01:24):
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Speaker2: the street before running back to join the robbery. (01:28):
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Speaker0: The cashier, who. (01:31):
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Speaker1: Was shot during the incident, later remarked, I tried telling them the real (01:32):
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Speaker1: money was in Bitcoin, but they wouldn't listen. (01:36):
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Speaker2: The gang's getaway was reportedly hampered when James stopped to sign autographs (01:40):
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Speaker2: and pose for daguerreotypes with local fans. (01:45):
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Speaker2: Police describe this as the worst bank robbery since last month's attempted (01:47):
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Speaker2: heist, where criminals tried to rob a piggy bank with a cork gun. (01:51):
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Speaker0: At in the Citadon, 1936. (01:55):
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Speaker1: Shocking scenes from the world of cricket today as Australian batsman Jack Fingleton (01:59):
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Speaker1: achieved what experts are calling deliberate and premeditated scoring. (02:04):
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Speaker1: In a display of what can only be described as batting terrorism, (02:10):
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Speaker1: Fingleton repeatedly struck the ball with a wooden implement, (02:14):
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Speaker1: causing widespread panic among England fielders. (02:16):
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Speaker2: Eyewitness Reginald Pomfrey described the horror. He just kept hitting it, over and over. (02:20):
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Speaker2: The bowlers were crying. Someone shouted, stop him, but he wouldn't stop. (02:26):
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Speaker2: Four matches in a row he did this. Four. Who does that? (02:31):
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Speaker1: Medical professionals have diagnosed Fingleton with an acute case of compulsive (02:36):
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Speaker1: run accumulation, a condition that forces sufferers to stay at the crease until (02:40):
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Speaker1: everyone else has gone home. (02:45):
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Speaker1: The English Cricket Board has since demanded all Australian batsmen be fitted (02:47):
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Speaker1: with electronic tags and banned from carrying wooden objects. (02:53):
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Speaker2: Meanwhile, betting shops have refused to pay out on what they're calling an (02:58):
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Speaker2: obviously fixed sequence of identical hundreds. (03:02):
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Speaker2: One bookie commented, Nobody scores the same number four times, it's just not cricket. (03:05):
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Speaker0: 2024. (03:12):
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Speaker1: The nation reeled in shock today as it emerged. Saturday has happened again, (03:13):
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Speaker1: making this the 3,942nd consecutive occurrence of a Saturday since records began. (03:19):
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Speaker1: Experts warn that if this pattern continues, we could see another Saturday as soon as next week. (03:27):
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Speaker2: Leading chronologist Dr Timkins of the Institute of Days explained, (03:34):
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Speaker2: We've been monitoring this situation closely since last Saturday, (03:38):
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Speaker2: and our worst fears have been confirmed. It's definitely Saturday again. (03:42):
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Speaker1: Panic buying of weekend newspapers and hangover cures has already begun, (03:46):
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Speaker1: with reports of mass hysteria at Tesco as shoppers realise they have to decide (03:51):
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Speaker1: what to do with their free time. (03:56):
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Speaker1: I just wasn't prepared for another one, sobbed Maureen Dibble, (03:58):
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Speaker1: 53 clutching 17 TV guides. Nobody warned us. (04:03):
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Speaker2: The government has issued emergency guidelines advising citizens to remain calm (04:08):
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Speaker2: and just watch football or something. (04:13):
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Speaker0: News Bang Bypassing the liver of lies To pierce the heart of truth And now. (04:18):
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Speaker2: With a weather forecast So cutting it could double as a cheese knife Here's (04:25):
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Speaker2: Shakanaka Giles To rattle through tomorrow's (04:29):
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Speaker6: Winter chaos Transcription by CastingWords South East is getting a (04:32):
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Speaker0: Proper December chill temperatures dropping faster than the Soviet building (04:45):
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Speaker0: standards hovering around 2. (04:50):
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Speaker2: Degrees pack your woolies (04:52):
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Speaker0: Moving to Tremble Town where the. (04:57):
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Speaker2: Ground should stay remarkably still (04:59):
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Speaker6: Unlike that shocking day in (05:02):
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Speaker2: Spitak 35 years ago. Expect scattered snowflakes falling as gently (05:04):
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Speaker0: As tears of remembrance. (05:10):
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Speaker0: Up in the Midlands, we're seeing a pressure system wobblier. (05:14):
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Speaker2: Than a poorly built apartment block, bringing in gusts (05:17):
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Speaker0: Of wind that will rattle your windows, though thankfully not your foundations. (05:21):
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Speaker2: To summarise (05:28):
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Speaker0: Then, cold as a. (05:29):
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Speaker2: Kremlin cover-up with a chance of reflection and that's all the weather. (05:31):
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Speaker2: Day in 1942 Operation Frankton unfolded, a World War II escapade so daring it (05:48):
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Speaker2: made James Bond look like a nervous librarian. (05:54):
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Speaker2: Twelve Royal Marines, armed with canoes and an apparent disregard for sanity, (05:57):
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Speaker2: paddled 70 miles up the Gironde estuary to plant limpet mines on German ships in Bordeaux. (06:02):
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Speaker2: Their mission? To disrupt Nazi supply lines and presumably to make a mockery (06:09):
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Speaker2: of conventional warfare. (06:14):
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Speaker2: And now, to hear more about these aquatic adventurers and their explosive exploits, (06:17):
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Speaker2: we hand over to our war correspondent, Brian Bastable. (06:22):
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Speaker2: Brian, tell us about these stealthy paddlers of destruction. (06:25):
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Speaker2: This is my war, your war, our war. (06:31):
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Speaker2: And tonight, dear heaven, I'm paddling through hell itself in what amounts to (06:34):
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Speaker2: nothing more than a floating coffin made of canvas and spite. (06:39):
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Speaker2: The Gironde estuary stretches before us like Satan's bathtub, (06:43):
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Speaker2: each ripple potentially our last. (06:47):
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Speaker2: Just moments ago, I watched private chambers get eaten by what he claims was (06:52):
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Speaker2: a shark, though it was more likely a particularly aggressive salmon. (06:57):
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Speaker2: These brave men, these cockleshell heroes, paddle on through waters thick with (07:01):
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Speaker2: the enemy's expectations. (07:06):
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Speaker2: The sound you can hear now is my left leg being devoured by eels no matter a (07:11):
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Speaker2: reporter needs only his mouth and one good arm to hold the microphone (07:18):
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Speaker2: the germans suspect nothing though my screaming may have given us away these (07:23):
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Speaker2: brave marines continue their approach their canoes slicing through the water (07:29):
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Speaker2: like wet scissors through a ghost's pajamas. (07:34):
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Speaker2: The port lies ahead, its ships fat with war supplies and blissfully unaware (07:38):
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Speaker2: of the limpet minds about to embrace their hulls like explosive lovers in the night. (07:43):
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Speaker2: I've just swallowed three hand grenades to avoid detection. The acids in my (07:51):
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Speaker2: stomach appear to be... Oh dear. (07:55):
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Speaker2: Brian Bastable newsbang somewhere in the middle of this watery nightmare, (07:58):
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Speaker2: trying desperately not to explode. (08:03):
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Speaker0: 1869. (08:07):
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Speaker1: The year 1869, and in Gallatin, Missouri, a most audacious act of criminality (08:08):
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Speaker1: unfolded as Jesse James, a man destined for outlaw infamy, executed his first (08:14):
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Speaker1: confirmed bank robbery. (08:20):
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Speaker1: The Davies County Savings Association found itself the stage for this debut, (08:22):
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Speaker1: where James and his gang, in a tragic twist, fatally shot the cashier. (08:26):
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Speaker1: Yet, in a heist of almost poetic futility, the loot amounted to nothing more (08:32):
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Speaker1: than worthless bank papers. (08:38):
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Speaker1: Post-Civil War economic woes and a vulnerable bank combined to create the perfect (08:40):
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Speaker1: storm for this infamous act. For more on this historic heist, (08:45):
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Speaker1: here's our crime correspondent, Ken Schitt. (08:49):
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Speaker4: I'm standing in what used to be Gallatin, Missouri, where 154 years ago today, (08:54):
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Speaker4: a fresh-faced piece of work called Jesse James decided to graduate from amateur (09:01):
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Speaker4: arsehole to professional tosser. (09:06):
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Speaker4: Picture the scene, midday in a one-horse town and in walks, this confederate (09:10):
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Speaker4: reject with his brother Frank and their pet psychopath Jim Anderson. (09:15):
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Speaker4: They're about to turn this sleepy bank into a bloodbath that would make Satan (09:18):
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Speaker4: himself reach for the smelling salts. (09:22):
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Speaker4: The target, the Davis County Savings Association. A bank so modest it couldn't afford to look poor. (09:27):
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Speaker4: Jesse James, playing it cool as a frozen turd, asked to change a $100 note. (09:34):
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Speaker4: But while the cashier's writing his receipt, bang! (09:39):
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Speaker4: Two shots. One in the chest. (09:43):
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Speaker4: One in the noggin. Poor bastard didn't even have time to shit himself warm. (09:46):
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Speaker4: And what did these criminal masterminds get away with? a portfolio of worthless paper. (09:53):
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Speaker4: That's right, these geniuses murdered an unarmed man for the equivalent of yesterday's shopping list. (09:59):
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Speaker4: This botched robbery launched Jesse James from small-time dirtbag to America's (10:06):
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Speaker4: most wanted shit-stirrer. (10:12):
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Speaker4: Some say he was driven by post-war poverty, others by a taste for violence. (10:13):
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Speaker4: Either way, this was the day the devil got his training wheels. (10:18):
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Speaker4: This is Ken Schitt, reporting from where evil cut its teeth. (10:23):
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Speaker4: Back to you in the studio. (10:27):
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Speaker2: 43 BC A grim day in ancient Rome as Cicero, the celebrated orator and statesman, (10:30):
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Speaker2: met his untimely demise in 43 BC. (10:36):
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Speaker2: Prescribed by the Second Triumvirate, Octavian, Mark Antony and Lepidus, (10:40):
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Speaker2: Cicero's biting critiques, known as the Philippics, sealed his fate. (10:46):
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Speaker2: Accused of undermining their authority, Cicero fled but was ultimately captured (10:51):
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Speaker2: and assassinated, marking a pivotal shift from republic to empire. (10:55):
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Speaker2: Hardeman Pesto investigates further. (11:00):
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Speaker2: Martin, I'm here in Formia with noted classical scholar Dr. Penelope Scrollbottom. (11:05):
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Speaker2: The mood here is tense as armed men approach Cicero's villa. (11:10):
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Speaker0: Yes, the situation is quite grave. Cicero's philippics against Mark Antony have... (11:14):
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Speaker2: Pesto, are those actual soldiers behind you? Well, Martin, they're carrying (11:19):
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Speaker2: what appear to be very authentic-looking swords. (11:23):
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Speaker2: And the blood on them? Tomato sauce, I expect. (11:26):
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Speaker2: Though Dr. Scrollbottom here suggests it might be... (11:30):
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Speaker0: That's definitely blood. Those are Antony's men. We should probably... (11:33):
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Speaker2: The soldiers seem very interested in my microphone, Martin. One of them is asking (11:38):
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Speaker2: if it's some kind of weapon. (11:43):
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Speaker2: Pesto, is that severed head they're carrying what I think it is? (11:45):
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Speaker2: Ah, yes, well spotted, Martin. Though I should point out it's technically just (11:48):
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Speaker2: a head that's been separated from its previous location. (11:53):
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Speaker2: The hands, too, actually. (11:57):
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Speaker2: Bit of a statement piece, really. Those are Cicero's remains. (11:59):
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Speaker0: They're. (12:03):
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Speaker1: Taking them to (12:03):
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Speaker0: Display in the forum. This is a dark day for the Republic. (12:04):
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Speaker2: So, Pesto, would you say this marks the end of free speech in Rome? (12:08):
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Speaker2: Well, Martin, I tried to ask Cicero for a comment, but he seemed rather distant, (12:12):
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Speaker2: though his last words were quite poignant. (12:18):
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Speaker2: Which were? I go no further. Though personally I thought, please don't cut off (12:21):
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Speaker2: my head, might have been more appropriate given the circumstances. (12:27):
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Speaker0: This is horrific. were witnessing the death of democracy. (12:31):
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Speaker2: And there we leave Hardeman Pesto, demonstrating his usual tact and sensitivity (12:34):
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Speaker2: at yet another pivotal moment in history. (12:38):
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Speaker0: 1862. (12:42):
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Speaker1: The year is 1862, and the American Civil War rages on. (12:43):
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Speaker1: The Battle of Prairie Grove, a pivotal clash in northwestern Arkansas, (12:48):
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Speaker1: has left Confederate hopes in tatters. (12:53):
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Speaker1: Union generals Blunt and Heron, armed with tactical brilliance and presumably (12:55):
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Speaker1: a good map, Secured Federal Control Over Missouri and Arkansas (13:00):
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Speaker1: Meanwhile, local civilians bore the brunt of the fighting, caught in the crossfire (13:06):
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Speaker1: of this symphony of destruction. (13:11):
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Speaker1: For more on this pivotal clash, we turn now to Melody Wintergreen. (13:13):
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Speaker3: Prairie Grove, Arkansas, 1862. Melody Wintergreen here, amidst the smoke, (13:21):
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Speaker3: the screams, and the sheer chaos of battle. (13:26):
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Speaker3: The ground is soaked with blood, the air thick with the smell of gunpowder. (13:29):
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Speaker3: It's a scene straight out of hell, but they call it Prairie Grove. (13:33):
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Speaker3: The Union and Confederate armies have clashed here today, a brutal struggle (13:39):
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Speaker3: for control of this strategic corner of Arkansas. (13:44):
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Speaker3: General Blunt's Union troops, dug in on the hills, lured the Confederates into a deadly trap. (13:47):
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Speaker3: Then, like a bolt from the blue, General Heron's reinforcements arrived, (13:53):
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Speaker3: turning the tide of the battle. (13:58):
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Speaker3: The fighting was fierce. The carnage horrific. (14:03):
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Speaker3: Cannon fire ripped through the air, tearing limbs from bodies, (14:07):
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Speaker3: shattering homes, and upending lives. (14:11):
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Speaker3: Civilians caught in the crossfire fled in terror. Their homes and farms reduced to rubble. (14:14):
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Speaker6: War, folks, is hell. (14:20):
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Speaker3: But amidst the chaos, a victor has emerged. The Union, with their superior tactics (14:26):
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Speaker3: and timely reinforcements, have crushed the Confederate advance. (14:32):
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Speaker3: Heinemann's rebel forces are retreating, their dreams of reclaiming Missouri (14:36):
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Speaker3: and Arkansas shattered like a broken rifle stock. (14:39):
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Speaker3: As the smoke clears, the battlefield is a grim testament to the cost of war. (14:47):
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Speaker3: The dead and wounded lie scattered across the field, a haunting reminder of (14:52):
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Speaker3: the human price of conflict. But the Union victory here at Prairie Grove has (14:57):
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Speaker3: shifted the balance of power, a turning point in the long and bloody struggle for the soul of America. (15:01):
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Speaker3: This is Melody Wintergreen, Newsbang, from Prairie Grove, Arkansas, (15:07):
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Speaker3: where history has been written in blood and fire. (15:11):
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Speaker0: The Newsbang, presenting the news with the zeal of a zeppelin on fire. (15:18):
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Speaker0: Aetine Sudden, 1936 And now. (15:25):
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Speaker2: The man who makes sports reporting sound like an epic poem carved into marble by a caffeinated (15:30):
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Speaker0: Bard, Ryder Boff. (15:34):
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Speaker5: And now reporting live from 1936 where Australian cricket sensation Jack Fingleton (15:42):
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Speaker5: has just carved his name into the annals of sporting history like a determined (15:47):
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Speaker5: butcher attacking a particularly stubborn joint of beef. (15:51):
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Speaker5: Four consecutive test centuries against England. The man's as unstoppable Claire (15:54):
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Speaker5: Balding after three sherrys at a line dancing competition. (15:59):
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Speaker5: Speaking of unstoppable, I witnessed his century at Brisbane first hand though (16:05):
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Speaker5: I was briefly distracted by a rather persistent wasp that had taken up residence (16:09):
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Speaker5: in my press box sandwich. (16:12):
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Speaker5: Fingleton, wielding his bat like a conductor's baton at the world's most aggressive (16:14):
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Speaker5: orchestra, delivered a masterclass in defensive play that had the English bowlers (16:18):
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Speaker5: looking as confused as a vegetarian at a sausage festival. (16:23):
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Speaker5: The Brisbane crowd went absolutely bananas, and I mean proper bananas, (16:30):
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Speaker5: not those sad little specimens they serve at the BBC canteen that look like (16:34):
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Speaker5: they've been through two world wars. (16:37):
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Speaker5: The atmosphere was electric. rather like the time I accidentally stuck my tongue (16:39):
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Speaker5: in a light socket during the 34 Ashes coverage, (16:43):
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Speaker6: Still can't taste strawberries properly. (16:47):
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Speaker5: The English bowlers, led by the formidable Clarence Sticky Wicket, (16:52):
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Speaker5: Higginbottom, threw everything they had at him, bouncers, yorkers, (16:56):
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Speaker5: even what appeared to be a hastily improvised cheese sandwich at one point. (17:00):
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Speaker5: But Fingleton stood firm, like a Victorian lamppost in a hurricane. (17:03):
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Speaker5: This remarkable achievement puts him leagues ahead of his contemporaries, (17:11):
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Speaker5: including the much-vaunted Sir Reginald Legside, Thistlewhite, (17:14):
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Speaker5: and the infamous Donald Duck, McDuckworth. (17:17):
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Speaker5: Though I must say, McDuckworth's recent streak of scoring exactly zero in six (17:20):
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Speaker5: consecutive innings is equally impressive, (17:25):
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Speaker0: If somewhat less celebrated. (17:29):
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Speaker5: And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to send this report by telegram and then (17:33):
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Speaker5: catch the steam locomotive back to London. I've been Ryder Boff, (17:37):
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Speaker5: reporting from 1936, where the cricket is magnificent and the wasps are surprisingly aggressive. (17:42):
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Speaker0: DATE 1995 Science now! (17:54):
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Speaker1: And who better to guide us through the celestial chaos than Newsbang's resident (17:58):
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Speaker1: expert on the absurdities of progress, Calamity Prenderville? Take it away! (18:02):
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Music

Speaker1: Good evening, science watchers. 29 years ago today, British innovation reached (18:19):
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Speaker1: Jupiter, though NASA likes to take credit. (18:22):
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Speaker1: The Galileo spacecraft, designed by Derek Galileo of Clacton-on-Sea, (18:25):
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Speaker1: made history by becoming the first craft to planet. (18:29):
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Speaker2: The journey wasn't easy. After being launched by the space shuttle Atlantis, (18:34):
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Speaker2: piloted by a computer running Sinclair Basic, Galileo spent six years navigating (18:39):
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Speaker2: through space, much like trying to find a chip shop in Birmingham after closing time. (18:43):
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Speaker1: The most remarkable feature was its British-made antenna, which only partially (18:50):
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Speaker1: deployed, much like my Uncle Gerald's deck chair, so to speak. (18:54):
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Speaker1: The probe, powered by technology originally developed for the TeesMade, (18:58):
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Speaker1: transmitted valuable data about Jupiter's composition, (19:02):
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Speaker0: Which turns out to be mostly gravy. (19:07):
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Speaker2: The craft was controlled from a shed in Basildon, using a modified BBC Micro (19:11):
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Speaker2: and a TV Arial from Curry's. Its main engine, powered by Earl Grey tea, (19:15):
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Speaker2: had to burn for 49 minutes to achieve orbit, exactly the time it takes to properly brew a pot. (19:20):
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Speaker1: Galileo's greatest discovery was finding that Jupiter's moon Europa might contain (19:28):
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Speaker1: more water than Blackpool on a bank holiday weekend. (19:33):
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Speaker1: The mission paved the way for future exploration, though we're still waiting (19:36):
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Speaker1: for the promised Jupiter branch of Greggs. (19:40):
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Speaker1: This is Calamity Prenderville, reminding you that space exploration is just (19:45):
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Speaker1: like making a proper cuppa. (19:50):
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Speaker1: It takes time, precision and preferably British engineering. Back to the studio. (19:51):
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Speaker0: News bang, purging the system of idiocy with an enema of evidence. (20:02):
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Speaker2: And now, a voice as smooth as velvet wrapped in a tartan scarf. (20:08):
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Speaker2: Our royal correspondent with a flair for the flamboyant And a penchant for peculiar (20:12):
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Speaker2: historical parallels Sandy O. (20:17):
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Speaker6: Shaughnessy (20:20):
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Music

Speaker7: Ah, good evening, good evening, and thrice good evening. Sandy O'Shaughnessy (20:28):
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Speaker7: here, picking up the baton from our esteemed colleague Martin Bang on this crisp December evening. (20:32):
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Speaker7: And what an evening it is, with the frost nipping at our heels like my Aunt (20:37):
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Speaker7: Maureen's overexcited Jack Russell. (20:41):
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Speaker7: Now then, speaking of nipping, let's nip back in time to 574 A.D. (20:47):
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Speaker7: Picture the scene. the Eastern Roman Empire, where Emperor Justin II is having (20:53):
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Speaker7: what we might delicately call a bit of a moment. (20:59):
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Speaker7: Poor fellow's mental health wasn't exactly tip-top, which reminds me of my cousin (21:03):
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Speaker7: Fergus, who once convinced himself he was a garden gnome and spent three weeks (21:06):
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Speaker7: standing perfectly still in Mrs. O'Malley's vegetable patch. (21:11):
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Speaker7: But Justin, bless his imperial socks, had the presence of mind to do something rather extraordinary. (21:17):
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Speaker7: He went and proclaimed his general, Tiberius, as Caesar. (21:23):
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Speaker7: Adopted him right there and then, like picking up a stray cat. (21:28):
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Speaker7: Except this particular cat came with military expertise and a rather fetching toga. (21:32):
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Speaker7: Now, I've just received a letter from Derek in Dundalk who writes, (21:40):
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Speaker7: Dear Sandy, my budgies started speaking Latin. Should I be worried? (21:44):
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Speaker7: Well, Derek, perhaps your feathered friend's been channelling the spirit of ancient Rome. (21:50):
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Speaker7: Though I'd be more concerned if he starts demanding to be proclaimed Caesar. (21:54):
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Speaker0: Ah, birth there. (21:59):
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Speaker7: The whole affair was orchestrated by Empress Sophia, who, if you ask me, (22:02):
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Speaker7: sounds like she'd have given J.R. (22:06):
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Speaker7: Ewing a run for his money in the scheming department. (22:07):
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Speaker7: She kept young Tiberius on a shorter leash than my mother kept me during the summer of 69. (22:11):
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Speaker0: Ah, birth there. (22:18):
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Speaker7: But that's the thing about history, isn't it? Just when you think you've got (22:19):
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Speaker7: it figured out, someone goes and adopts their general. (22:23):
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Speaker7: Makes my brother Patrick's decision to adopt a three-legged donkey seem perfectly (22:25):
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Speaker7: reasonable by comparison. (22:30):
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Speaker7: And on that note, dear listeners, I'll hand you back to the dulcet tones of the evening show. (22:35):
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Speaker7: Remember, whether you're an emperor having a wobble or just a regular soul trying (22:41):
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Speaker7: to make sense of it all, there's always room for a little kindness and perhaps (22:45):
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Speaker7: a strategic adoption or two. (22:51):
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Speaker7: Ah, this is Sandy O'Shaughnessy saying goodnight, good luck and as always, (22:53):
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Speaker7: see you later, alligator, in a while. Crocodile. (23:00):
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Speaker6: All over the country for everyone. (23:04):
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Speaker0: It is newsbang. No punches pulled, no pies served, all facts accounted for. (23:11):
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Speaker2: And that's all from us tonight. Let's take a look at tomorrow's papers. (23:21):
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Speaker2: The Times. How's army withdraw from white marsh? There's a photograph there of a marsh. (23:27):
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Speaker2: The Telegraph. Severe weather hits guinea pig festival. (23:35):
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Speaker2: And the Mirror. Woman loses eye in disco dancing incident. (23:39):
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Speaker2: And so, we come to the end of our tumultuous journey through 366 days of history, (23:45):
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Speaker2: mayhem and questionable fashion choices. (23:52):
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Speaker2: From presidential coups to exploding cakes, sentient traffic cones to weaponized (23:55):
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Speaker2: boleros, we've covered it all with the journalistic integrity of a badger in a blender. (24:02):
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Speaker2: It's been a wild ride, folks. A year of historical hilarity, (24:08):
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Speaker2: a 366-day descent into the absurd. (24:13):
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Speaker2: We've laughed, we've cried, we've questioned the very fabric of reality. (24:17):
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Speaker2: But now, like a crumpled Colin Farrell stumbling from a Dublin pub at closing (24:22):
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Speaker2: time, Newsbang must bid you farewell, at least for now. (24:27):
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Speaker2: Who knows what fresh horrors the future holds? Perhaps we'll return one day, (24:32):
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Speaker2: to chronicle the rise of sentient vegetables, or the inevitable robot uprising. (24:37):
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Speaker2: Until then, stay informed, stay sceptical, and try not to let the historical (24:43):
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Speaker2: inaccuracies give you nightmares. (24:50):
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Speaker2: Oh, and apparently due to more national disappointment, tomorrow's announcement (24:53):
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Speaker2: about mice has been put back to Thursday. (24:56):
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Speaker2: Good night, and a rather sturdy one at that. (24:59):
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Speaker0: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (25:03):
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Speaker0: News Bang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI all voices impersonated (25:07):
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Speaker0: nothing here is real good night. (25:14):
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