Whimsical Octopus Teapot Parade

In this episode of Newsbang, the landscape is rife with chaos and humor as the host delves into the tumultuous events of the day while maintaining a satire-heavy tone. The program opens with a vivid portrayal of Timur, also known as Tim the Terrible Tourist, who has invaded Georgia with his army. His abrupt arrival in Tbilisi creates havoc, leading to a dip in the local real estate market and a cultural upheaval marked by his demands for conversion to Islam or risk becoming "kebab." The local populace, represented humorously through a merchant’s bewildered recollections, captures the panic and absurdity of the siege, culminating in Medieval Yelp reviews that mock Timur's disastrous PR amid excessive pillaging. Moving on to the music industry, the show tackles the scandal surrounding DJ Alan Freed, dismissed from WABC Radio for accepting bribes in exchange for airtime. The segment paints a picture of a musical catastrophe for Freed’s fans and underscores the chaotic nature of the music business at the time, veering into the absurd as Freed exits with his vinyls, lamenting the state of rock and roll. Historical recollections transport the audience to several critical moments across different centuries. One notable segment highlights a group of settlers in 1620 who stumble unwittingly into the concept of democracy through the Mayflower Compact, which they sign amidst a context of illness and confusion. This historical mishap is depicted through the bewildered perspective of their witnesses, showcasing a comedic yet poignant take on early governance as they trade rum rations for self-governance. As the broadcast shifts to a weather report filled with dry humor, the audience learns about bleak conditions across the UK, with warnings about heavy rains and chilling temperatures. The segment features playful but militant meteorological metaphors and reflects on the grim realities faced by citizens, coated in comedic exaggeration. Transitioning into the military history of Port Arthur in 1894, the war correspondent Brian Bastable provides a satirical, yet stark, commentary on Japanese forces' excessive enthusiasm for urban redevelopment through warfare. The narrative cleverly juxtaposes historical seriousness with wartime absurdity, painting a vivid picture of destruction while maintaining a lighthearted tone, even amidst the chaos. The dark history of the Birmingham pub bombings in 1974 brings gravity back to the conversation. The story articulates the brutal reality of the IRA's violence while also exposing the catastrophic failings of the British justice system in dealing with the aftermath. Ken Shit’s impassioned account serves as a damning indictment of institutional corruption and the devastating toll it took on innocent lives, striking a balance between outrage and editorialized humor. Another visit to the music scene in 1959 reveals the consequences of the payola scandal, where Freed’s legacy falters under a weight of corporate greed. Melody Wintergreen’s on-the-ground coverage highlights the uproar among Freed’s fans as they protest his unfair treatment, contrasting the idealistic nature of rock and roll with the reality of industry corruption. A jubilant portrayal of the new Verrazano Narrows Bridge connects Staten Island to Brooklyn, marking a point of infrastructural significance as drivers and pedestrians react to their newly expanded urban landscape. Polly Beep’s report humorously captures the absurdity of local attitudes towards the bridge while reflecting on daily traffic woes synonymous with New York City. The episode culminates with an educational segment on the history of sound recording, establishing a playful narrative about the uncredited contributions of Theodore Eddstone. Calamity Prenderville’s exposé underlines the quirky origins of recording technology, sending a back-to-basics reminder that innovation can often sprout from the unlikeliest of beginnings. The broadcast closes with a whimsical look at

Episode Transcript

Speaker2: On this famous Thursday, Timur terrors Georgia in Mongol mayhem. (00:04):
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Speaker1: Rock God released (00:15):
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Speaker2: Korea in Ruins. And Mayflower Mooch's signed tax treaty before Turkey time. (00:17):
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Speaker2: And later, an exclusive Surgeon Swaps, Tooth for Ear, Patient Still Broke. (00:25):
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Speaker2: Those are the headlines. Good night, cruel world. (00:33):
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Speaker1: Under the news bang, (00:40):
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Speaker5: Galloping across the airwaves on the horse of truth. (00:42):
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Speaker2: Edbri Sertum, 1386. Timur, a.k.a. (00:47):
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Speaker2: Tim the Terrible Tourist, has stormed into Tbilisi with all the subtlety of (00:52):
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Speaker2: a rampaging rhino in a china shop. (00:56):
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Speaker2: The self-proclaimed scourge of God and part-time party-crasher arrived uninvited (00:58):
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Speaker2: with a horde of enthusiastic looters, causing what one real estate agent described (01:03):
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Speaker2: as a slight dip in the market. (01:08):
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Speaker0: King Bagrat, previously clinging to his no-Islam-for-me-thanks policy, (01:11):
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Speaker0: had a sudden change of heart after Timur offered the persuasive argument of (01:17):
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Speaker0: convert or become a kebab. (01:21):
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Speaker0: Local merchant Georgie, what the... McWaddafuckovich, still reeling, (01:23):
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Speaker0: said, I was haggling over the price of turnips when suddenly, (01:29):
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Speaker0: flaming arrows and screaming toddlers. It all got a bit medieval. (01:33):
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Speaker2: Medieval Yelp reviews are scathing, citing excessive pillaging and no vegetarian options. (01:38):
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Speaker2: Timur's PR team responded, Look, conquering an empire is messy. (01:45):
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Speaker2: You try keeping 60,000 soldiers happy on a gluten-free diet. (01:49):
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Speaker2: Louis Dern, 1959 (01:53):
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Speaker0: Piola Pandemonium at WABC Radio DJ Alan Freed has been fired for accepting bribes. (01:55):
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Speaker0: Seems Freed was taking incentives to play certain tunes. (02:04):
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Speaker0: Investigators uncovered a stash of cash, several live chickens, (02:08):
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Speaker0: and a lifetime supply of brill cream in his locker. (02:11):
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Speaker2: Station manager Herbert Two-Face Thompson declared, Paola, on my watch, unacceptable. (02:15):
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Speaker2: From now on we'll only play music we're being bribed to play, (02:22):
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Speaker2: by reputable sources of course. (02:25):
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Speaker0: Freed was last seen fleeing the station, clutching his vinyl collection and (02:28):
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Speaker0: screaming, Rock and roll will never die. (02:32):
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Speaker0: Presumably before tripping over a stray microphone cable and landing in a promotional dumpster. (02:36):
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Speaker2: Uddeel, 1620. 41 C6 settlers have accidentally invented democracy off Cape Cod. (02:41):
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Speaker2: Lost and vomiting, they signed the Mayflower Compact, a contract essentially (02:48):
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Speaker2: stating, We promise not to mutiny, even though the captains clearly lost his marbles and his map. (02:53):
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Speaker0: Eyewitness Timothy Bilgewater recalled, It was a right mess. (03:00):
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Speaker0: We were all chucking up our guts while signing this thing about self-governance. (03:04):
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Speaker0: I'm still not sure what I agreed to, but it involved rum rations. (03:09):
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Speaker2: King James, upon hearing the news, reportedly choked on his crumpet, (03:14):
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Speaker2: exclaiming, Accidental democracy! (03:18):
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Speaker2: Those colonists are more clueless than a badger in a bagpipe factory! (03:20):
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Speaker2: News bang, unravelling the yarn of lies with needles of truth. (03:26):
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Speaker2: And now, because the laws of meteorology demand it, here's Shakanaka Giles with the weather. (03:33):
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Speaker2: Good evening. South East England continues its record-breaking streak of grey. (03:49):
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Speaker2: Fifty shades to be precise, all of them disappointing. (03:55):
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Speaker2: Pack an umbrella and a spare umbrella, and perhaps a small boat. (03:58):
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Speaker2: The Midlands report temperatures have dropped so low, local penguins are filing complaints. (04:05):
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Speaker2: The Met Office advises citizens to either stay indoors or revolve blubber immediately. (04:12):
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Speaker2: Up north the winds rearranging garden furniture with the enthusiasm of a drunk (04:21):
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Speaker2: interior decorator several trampolines have already achieved orbit nasa's been notified (04:28):
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Speaker2: scotland well it's doing that thing where all forms of precipitation occur simultaneously (04:36):
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Speaker2: the Scottish Tourist Board has officially upgraded their slogan to Scotland bring a Caggool. (04:43):
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Speaker2: In summary then, wet in the south, Baltic in the middle and absolutely bonkers (04:52):
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Speaker2: up top and that's all the weather. (04:58):
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Speaker0: Later, our ongoing coverage of the parliamentary cheese embargo, (05:13):
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Speaker0: but we now turn to events that occurred on this very day in 1894. (05:17):
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Speaker0: Port Arthur, that jewel of the Orient, became the scene of what military historians (05:23):
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Speaker0: are calling a bit of a mess, actually. (05:27):
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Speaker0: Japanese forces under General Yamaji Motoharu engaged in what witnesses described (05:30):
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Speaker0: as excessive enthusiasm in urban redevelopment through military means. (05:35):
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Speaker0: For more on this historical unpleasantness, we turn to our war correspondent (05:40):
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Speaker0: Brian Bastable, who's been poring over the archives with his trademark combination (05:45):
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Speaker0: of historical pedantry and barely suppressed trauma. (05:49):
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Speaker3: Brian Bastable here reporting from Port Arthur, 1894. (05:55):
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Speaker1: I'm currently sheltering (06:01):
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Speaker3: Behind what I believe was previously the city's most prestigious dim-sum restaurant. (06:03):
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Speaker3: The menu is still quite legible, though somewhat perforated. (06:07):
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Speaker3: General Yamaji's forces have been practicing what military theorists refer to (06:12):
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Speaker3: as aggressive interior decorating. (06:17):
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Speaker3: The city's architectural heritage is being dramatically revised as we speak. (06:20):
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Speaker3: Several buildings have already submitted their resignations. (06:26):
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Speaker3: I must say the Japanese Army's urban renewal program is remarkably thorough. (06:31):
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Speaker3: They're going door to door, ensuring no household is left unvisited. (06:37):
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Speaker3: Though their customer service skills leave something to be desired, (06:42):
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Speaker3: there goes the Ming Dynasty Vaz Collection. (06:46):
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Speaker3: The local population appears to be engaging in impromptu aerobic exercises, (06:53):
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Speaker3: mainly consisting of running and screaming. I haven't seen such enthusiastic (06:58):
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Speaker3: public participation since the Great Scone shortage of 1893. (07:03):
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Speaker3: That's the third baker I've seen fleeing with his buns ablaze. (07:07):
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Speaker3: The death toll continues to mount with what one might call excessive efficiency. (07:13):
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Speaker3: General Yamaji himself just passed by looking rather pleased with his morning's work. (07:19):
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Speaker3: He was kind enough to offer me a cup of tea, though I declined when I noticed (07:23):
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Speaker3: it was still in the original owner's hand. (07:28):
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Speaker3: This is Brian Bastoball Newsbang, maintaining professional detachment in the (07:33):
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Speaker3: face of historical inevitability. (07:39):
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Speaker2: 1974. The Birmingham pub bombings, a dark chapter that saw justice not just (07:43):
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Speaker2: delayed, but thoroughly derailed. (07:48):
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Speaker2: 21 lives lost, nearly 200 injured and six innocent men imprisoned in what would (07:50):
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Speaker2: become known as one of Britain's most catastrophic legal blunders. (07:55):
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Speaker2: For more on this story, we cross to our crime correspondent, (07:59):
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Speaker2: Ken Shit, who's been investigating the long-term impact of this miscarriage of justice. (08:02):
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Speaker5: This is Birmingham, 1974. 21 people who walked into a pub for a quiet drink walked out in bags. (08:09):
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Speaker5: The IRA's calling card was written in blood and guts across two pubs, (08:17):
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Speaker5: the mulberry bush and the tavern in the town. (08:22):
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Speaker5: But what happened next makes me want to vomit my own spine out. (08:24):
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Speaker5: Six innocent men, the Birmingham Six, got caught in the crossfire of police (08:30):
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Speaker5: desperation and institutional corruption. (08:35):
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Speaker5: These bastards in blue couldn't catch the real bombers, so they manufactured (08:38):
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Speaker5: their own justice like a backstreet butcher grinding rats into sausages. (08:43):
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Speaker5: For 16 years, 16 goddamn years, these men rotted in cells while corrupt cops (08:49):
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Speaker5: slept sound in their beds. (08:57):
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Speaker5: They used some bullshit science tests that could have found explosives on a (08:58):
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Speaker5: nun's knickers and beat confessions out of them like they were playing whack-a-mole with the truth. (09:02):
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Speaker5: By the time justice finally got its thumb out in 1991, these men had lost everything. (09:09):
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Speaker5: Meanwhile, the real bombing bastards are probably sitting pretty in some pub (09:14):
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Speaker5: in Belfast, laughing their balls off at how they got away with mass murder while (09:19):
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Speaker5: six innocent men got rogered by the long dick of the law. (09:23):
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Speaker5: This isn't just a miscarriage of justice. It's justice being gang-banged by (09:28):
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Speaker5: corruption, incompetence and institutional racism until it couldn't remember its own fucking name. (09:33):
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Speaker5: Ken Shit. Newsbang. (09:39):
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Speaker2: Nuis Dern, 1959. (09:42):
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Speaker0: On this day in 1959, the music world was rocked harder than Bill Haley's Comets (09:45):
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Speaker0: when pioneering disc jockey Alan Freed was unceremoniously ejected from WABC-AM. (09:50):
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Speaker0: The crime? Refusing to confess to accepting what investigators called payola, (09:56):
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Speaker0: the practice of taking cash to spin records. (10:02):
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Speaker0: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it seems the man who helped birth rock and roll was (10:06):
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Speaker0: caught between a rock and a hard place. (10:10):
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Speaker0: For more on this historical sonic scandal, we cross live via our temporal telecommunications (10:12):
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Speaker0: unit to our American correspondent, Melody Wintergreen. (10:18):
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Speaker4: New York City, 1959. Melody Wintergreen here, at the WABC-AM studios, (10:24):
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Speaker4: where the music has died and the airwaves are mourning the loss of their king. (10:32):
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Speaker4: Alan Freed, the disc jockey who brought rock and roll to the masses, (10:37):
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Speaker4: has just been dethroned. (10:42):
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Speaker4: The scene is pure pandemonium. Freed's fans are rioting outside the studio, (10:47):
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Speaker4: waving signs and chanting his name. They're heartbroken, betrayed, (10:52):
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Speaker4: and they're not going to let their hero go down without a fight. (10:56):
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Speaker4: Paola! We don't care, Ola! They shout, their voices hoarse with indignation. (11:00):
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Speaker4: Inside, Freed is refusing to sign a confession. (11:09):
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Speaker4: He's standing his ground, claiming he's been framed, a scapegoat for a corrupt industry. (11:12):
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Speaker4: This whole business is rotten, he cries, his voice echoing through the halls. (11:17):
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Speaker4: He's going down swinging, folks, a true rock and roll rebel to the end. (11:23):
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Speaker4: But the suits have spoken, and Freed's career is toast. His TV show is cancelled. (11:31):
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Speaker4: His radio reign is over. As he's escorted out, his head held high, (11:37):
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Speaker4: he looks like a fallen king, banished from his kingdom of rock and roll. (11:41):
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Speaker4: For music lovers, it's a tragedy of operatic proportions. (11:49):
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Speaker4: The payola scandal has exposed the dark underbelly of the music industry, (11:54):
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Speaker4: and Freed has become its latest victim. (11:58):
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Speaker4: The airwaves have gone silent, the turntables have stopped spinning, (12:00):
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Speaker4: and a generation is mourning the (12:05):
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Speaker1: Loss of their musical messiah. (12:07):
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Speaker4: This is Melody Wintergreen for Newsbang from WABC, where the king is dead, (12:12):
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Speaker4: rock and roll is in mourning, and the only thing left to play is the blues. (12:18):
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Speaker2: Newsbang, the majestic lighthouse in the tempest of misinformation. (12:26):
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Speaker2: And now to New York, where they've just finished building what architects are (12:32):
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Speaker2: calling a very long bridge indeed. Our travel correspondent, (12:36):
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Speaker2: Polly Beep, reports from the scene of this unprecedented (12:40):
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Speaker0: Outbreak of infrastructure. (12:43):
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Speaker0: Good evening, motorists. The Verrazano Narrows Bridge has officially opened, (12:48):
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Speaker0: connecting Staten Island to Brooklyn in what locals are calling a suspicious (12:54):
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Speaker0: attempt to make Staten Island seem important. (12:57):
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Speaker0: Traffic is currently at a standstill as New Yorkers. (13:03):
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Speaker1: Attempt their favourite pastime, (13:05):
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Speaker0: Honking at things that aren't moving. The bridge is so long that drivers reaching (13:07):
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Speaker0: the middle report seeing New Jersey curve away beneath them, (13:11):
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Speaker0: though this may just be New Jersey trying to escape. (13:14):
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Speaker0: Robert Moses, the man who demolished half of Brooklyn to build this thing, (13:22):
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Speaker0: is currently doing victory laps in his motorcade. (13:26):
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Speaker0: Residents whose homes were bulldozed are reportedly planning to name several potholes after him. (13:28):
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Speaker0: Construction crews are warning drivers not to be alarmed by the bridge's gentle (13:37):
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Speaker0: swaying in high winds. They assure us this is completely normal and definitely not terrifying at all. (13:41):
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Speaker0: And a special note for Staten Island residents. Brooklyn is now only a bridge toll away. (13:50):
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Speaker0: Brooklyn residents are reportedly considering paying the toll themselves to (13:57):
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Speaker0: keep Staten Island where it is. (14:01):
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Speaker0: This is PolyBeep reporting from what is essentially a very expensive way to get to Staten Island. (14:06):
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Speaker1: Back to you in the studio. (14:12):
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Speaker0: Calamity Prenderville investigates now how today's digital recording revolution (14:18):
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Speaker0: actually began with a budgie in Basildon. (14:23):
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Speaker0: Good evening, tech enthusiasts. On this day in 1877, sound recording was revolutionised, (14:36):
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Speaker0: though few know it actually began in Basildon, Essex. (14:42):
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Speaker0: While American Thomas Edison gets the credit, it was actually British inventor (14:45):
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Speaker0: Theodore Eddstone who first conceived. (14:49):
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Speaker2: The idea while recording his budgie's morning songs. (14:52):
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Speaker1: Using a modified tea strainer (14:56):
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Speaker2: And some backerfoil from his kitchen, Eddstone created what he called the voice-o-graph. (14:58):
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Speaker2: Sadly, all his notes were destroyed when his wife used them to wrap fish and chips. (15:03):
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Speaker2: Edison, visiting Britain at the (15:08):
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Speaker2: time, saw the potential and rushed back to America to perfect the design. (15:09):
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Speaker0: The first recording wasn't actually Mary Had a Little Lamb, it was Mary Had (15:15):
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Speaker0: a Little Ham, as Edison was eating lunch at the time. (15:20):
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Speaker0: The recording quality was so poor that nobody could tell the difference. (15:23):
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Speaker2: The device used a remarkable system of grooves and needles, not unlike my Aunt (15:28):
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Speaker2: Mabel's knitting technique. (15:33):
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Speaker2: Sound waves would be carved into tinfoil wrapped around a cylinder, (15:35):
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Speaker2: much like wrapping a Sunday roast in aluminum foil, but with more scientific importance. (15:39):
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Speaker0: The British government immediately saw its potential, primarily for recording (15:45):
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Speaker0: parliamentary debates and tea-time conversations. (15:49):
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Speaker0: They ordered 500 units, though most ended up being used to record Christmas (15:52):
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Speaker0: messages from the Queen to her corgis. (15:56):
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Speaker0: Today's digital recording might seem more sophisticated, but nothing beats the (16:00):
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Speaker0: charm of shouting into a tinfoil cylinder while turning a crank. (16:05):
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Speaker0: This is Calamity Prenderville, reminding you that sometimes the best inventions (16:08):
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Speaker0: start with a bodgie and a dream. Back to the studio. (16:13):
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Speaker2: Ikatan Newsbang, where every whisper of nonsense meets a (16:18):
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Speaker1: Roar of truth. (16:23):
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Speaker2: And it's time for the final flick through tomorrow's fishy front pages. (16:26):
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Speaker2: The Times screams, President punctured. Texan Tea Party terrorist taunted. (16:32):
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Speaker2: Alongside a giant photo of a man in a suit looking like he's just swallowed a wasp. (16:40):
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Speaker2: The telegraph trumpets. Tyson's titanic triumph. Youngest heavyweight champ chomps chum. (16:47):
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Speaker1: There's a picture (16:55):
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Speaker2: Of him with his fists up and a shark in his swimming trunks. (16:56):
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Speaker2: The Guardian groans. Historic handshake hushes hell in Taiwan with a map of (17:00):
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Speaker2: the island shaped like a teapot. (17:08):
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Speaker2: And the sun screams. Shetland shenanigans. Pony poos in pottery cafe. (17:12):
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Speaker2: No time for the news in brief, so here's the gist. (17:19):
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Speaker2: The slowest motorway is still the M25 and otters are still frolicking in the North Sea, naked. (17:23):
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Speaker1: Good night. (17:32):
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Speaker2: Bang! is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. (17:38):
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