Xenophobic Xenon Exchange

In this episode, we delve into a captivating tapestry of historical and whimsical stories that ripple through time and space, all narrated with a satirical flair. We kick off our journey in Montgomery, Alabama, where the indomitable Rosa Parks firmly takes her stand by refusing to vacate her bus seat. This pivotal moment, framed as an act of sheer stubbornness against systemic oppression, ignites a city-wide boycott and cultivates a burgeoning civil rights movement led by the likes of Martin Luther King Jr. It's a crucial turning point, illustrating how a simple act of defiance can resonate through the annals of history, changing the very fabric of society. Next, we take a frosty detour to the signing of the Antarctic Treaty in 1959, a remarkable accord that aimed to transform the icy wilderness into a sanctuary for scientific exploration rather than a battleground for military rivalry. Delegates from twelve nations, clad in numerous layers to fend off the bitter cold, gather to declare their commitment to peace over warlike intentions in this inhospitable terrain. We explore the treaty's emblematic significance during the Cold War and hear from a peculiarly positioned correspondent humorously assessing the discussions over a vodka-infused hot chocolate. Moving from the frozen landscapes of Antarctica to the tumultuous realms of Yugoslavia, the narrative shifts dramatically as President Tito unveils his authoritarian fashion line—shedding light on political purges under the banner of style. The crackdown embroils many reformists, leaving the population both fashionably and ideologically shaken. Eyewitness accounts paint a vivid picture of the chaotic atmosphere where dissenting voices are suppressed, resembling a twisted fashion show where the latest political wears could lead to arrest. As we journey further, we stumble upon a whimsical ecological mystery from 1948, featuring the baffling discovery of Charles Webb washed up on a beach in Australia, raising questions about clothing choices and environmental ethics. The quirky investigative insights stir a reflective look at humanity’s tenuous relationship with nature, punctuated by a light-hearted commentary on the consequences of one's fashion decisions. We then dive into the arena of sports, where groundbreaking developments unfold with the construction of the University of New Mexico’s subterranean basketball facility, The Pit. As we unveil the architectural marvel designed to plunge athletes and spectators deep into the earth, we celebrate the uniqueness of this coliseum that redefines the game experience while also hinting at the absurdities inherent in its construction and maintenance. Throughout this humorous exposé, we take a moment to consider the unusual holiday tradition in Sweden surrounding the Gavel goat—a massive straw installation that defiantly meets its end through arson every New Year. This bizarre custom offers a poignant commentary on contemporary celebrations and the cultural significance of destruction as a form of festivity, all while our correspondent endeavors to maintain a balance between preservation and havoc. In closing, we reflect on a blend of terror and absurdity with a historical recount of a hijacking incident in the waning days of the Soviet Union, where negotiations become a testament to both desperation and the potential for peaceful resolution amidst chaos. Our incisive analysis of these multifaceted viewpoints delivers a richly textured exploration of humanity's past and present misadventures, engaging listeners with both levity and depth. This episode encapsulates the essence of news storytelling through a lens tinged with humor and satire, unearthing truths that lie beneath the surface of our shared histories.

Episode Transcript

Speaker0: Tonight's headliner headlines Rosa takes the wheel and won't budge Antarctica (00:05):
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Speaker0: agrees to no heavy petting, (00:13):
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Speaker0: And Yugoslavia, don't think about reform, just commune, (00:17):
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Speaker0: Plus, coming up, we uncover a report about John Cleese walking naked across (00:23):
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Speaker0: the Sahara in special shoes for toucans Those are the headlines Jab your finger (00:28):
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Speaker0: at the remote and try to keep up. (00:35):
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Speaker0: Ah, news bang, reeling in the slack of supposition and misconception. (00:40):
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Speaker0: The dines eens at T-Stin, as I've to T-Tin 55. (00:48):
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Speaker0: Breaking news from Montgomery, Alabama, where a woman has been arrested for (00:53):
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Speaker0: refusing to move her bottom. (00:56):
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Speaker0: The incident occurred when Rosa Parks, described by witnesses as absolutely (00:58):
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Speaker0: done with this nonsense, remained firmly planted in her seat like a particularly (01:03):
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Speaker0: stubborn garden ornament. (01:07):
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Speaker0: Local bus driver James F. Blake, known for his collection of novelty handcuffs (01:10):
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Speaker0: and aggressive seat management techniques, was reportedly beside himself with (01:15):
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Speaker0: confusion when Parks declined his request to relocate her posterior. (01:20):
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Speaker0: I've never seen anything like it, said passenger Ethel Whimsey. (01:25):
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Speaker0: She just sat there, reading her newspaper, cool as a cucumber in a bow tie. (01:34):
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Speaker0: The arrest has sparked what experts are calling the most inconvenient transportation (01:42):
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Speaker0: crisis since someone tried to park a horse in a phone booth. (01:46):
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Speaker0: Thousands of citizens have now decided to walk everywhere, causing a severe (01:50):
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Speaker0: shortage of shoe polish and leading to unprecedented levels of pedestrian smugness. (01:55):
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Speaker0: Police Chief Nathaniel Bootlicker expressed concern about the situation, (02:00):
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Speaker0: stating, If people start thinking they can sit wherever they want, (02:05):
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Speaker0: what's next? Standing where they want? (02:09):
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Speaker0: Existing where they want? This is madness. (02:12):
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Speaker0: New East Dane, 1959. Twelve nations have today signed what experts are calling (02:16):
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Speaker0: the coldest peace treaty in history. (02:22):
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Speaker0: The Antarctic Treaty, designed to stop penguins from acquiring nuclear weapons, (02:25):
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Speaker0: has effectively turned the entire continent into the world's largest research (02:30):
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Speaker0: facility and ice cube tray. (02:34):
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Speaker0: Sources confirm that military activities have been banned, forcing thousands (02:37):
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Speaker0: of militant seals to hand in their weapons and return to civilian life. (02:42):
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Speaker0: I've never seen so many disappointed penguins, reported Dr. (02:46):
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Speaker0: Magnus Blubberton, head of the International Penguin Observation Task Force. (02:51):
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Speaker0: The treaty emerged after scientists discovered that polar bears were attempting (02:55):
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Speaker0: to establish a sovereign state. (02:59):
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Speaker0: However, they were informed that not only were they on the wrong pole, (03:01):
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Speaker0: but their citizenship applications had been frozen indefinitely. (03:05):
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Speaker0: The signing ceremony was briefly interrupted when a Soviet delegate got his (03:09):
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Speaker0: tongue stuck to the flagpole, while the American representative insisted on (03:13):
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Speaker0: building a McDonald's at the South Pole. (03:18):
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Speaker0: Both incidents were resolved through careful diplomacy and the application of warm water. (03:20):
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Speaker0: Yugoslavia was plunged into chaos today as President Tito announced his new (03:28):
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Speaker0: spring collection. A range of (03:32):
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Speaker0: political purges that left Croatian leaders looking decidedly last season. (03:34):
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Speaker0: The crackdown, which fashion critics are calling tress-authoritarian, (03:39):
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Speaker0: saw hundreds of reformists stripped of their positions and sent to the discount rack. (03:43):
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Speaker0: Eyewitnesses report seeing Savka Dabcevic Kukar, wearing last year's politics, (03:49):
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Speaker0: being escorted from her office while clutching a file marked Things That Really (03:54):
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Speaker0: Annoyed Tito, local man Boris Dvornik said. (03:58):
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Speaker0: I knew it was serious when they started arresting people for having too many (04:01):
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Speaker0: consonants in their names. (04:05):
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Speaker0: The movement's cultural wing, Matyka Hrvatska, was shut down after being accused (04:07):
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Speaker0: of excessive use of metaphors and unauthorized poetry readings. (04:12):
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Speaker0: They were caught red-handed with 17,000 copies of Croatian Spring, (04:16):
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Speaker0: the musical, by Ease at Ease, declared. (04:21):
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Speaker0: Interior minister Viktor Boubanj while demonstrating the government's new riot control dance moves. (04:25):
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Speaker0: Meanwhile, in Zagreb, protesters attempted to form a human chain but got tangled (04:33):
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Speaker0: up and had to be unknotted by the secret police. (04:38):
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Speaker0: Now, a special weather-themed reflection on history will. (04:49):
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Speaker0: Italy had a rather unfortunate dam situation. Makes tomorrow's forecast look (05:09):
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Speaker0: positively delightful. (05:14):
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Speaker0: Starting in the southeast, where we're expecting precipitation levels roughly (05:16):
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Speaker0: equivalent to a dam's worth of tears. (05:22):
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Speaker0: But nothing like the Glennaux disaster. Thank, thank heavens. (05:25):
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Speaker0: Moving to the Midlands, where winter's grip is tightening faster than poorly (05:34):
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Speaker0: regulated construction standards. (05:40):
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Speaker0: Expect temperatures to plummet to a chilly two degrees. (05:43):
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Speaker0: About as cold as those responsible for that 1923 catastrophe must have felt when the truth came out. (05:47):
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Speaker0: Up north we're seeing some structural instability in our cloud formations, (05:57):
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Speaker0: though nothing as dodgy as multiple arch buttresses made with substandard materials. (06:01):
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Speaker0: Expect some light snow settling like guilt on a contractor's conscience. (06:08):
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Speaker0: In summary then, wet in the south, freezing in the middle and flaky up top, (06:15):
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Speaker0: rather like that infamous Italian dam project. And that's all the weather. (06:21):
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Speaker0: Good day to you, 1988. (06:34):
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Speaker0: Now to a chilling event that unfolded on this day in 1988. (06:39):
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Speaker0: In the waning days of the Soviet Union, five armed men hijacked a bus filled (06:44):
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Speaker0: with 30 schoolchildren and a teacher in the city of Orjonikidze. (06:49):
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Speaker0: Their demands? A hefty 2 million rubles and an IL-76 aircraft to flee to Israel. (06:54):
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Speaker0: In a move that shocked many, Soviet authorities, known for their iron-fisted (07:00):
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Speaker0: approach, opted for negotiation over confrontation, ensuring all hostages were returned unharmed. (07:06):
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Speaker0: However, the financial and emotional toll on the community was immense. (07:14):
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Speaker0: The hijackers, now infamous, faced prison terms ranging from 3 to 15 years. (07:19):
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Speaker0: To explore the depths of this remarkable case, we turn to our crime correspondent, Ken Schitt. (07:26):
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Speaker0: I'm standing in what used to be called Orjonikidze, at the scene of humanity's (07:35):
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Speaker0: lowest point since someone invented the electric chair for hamsters. (07:40):
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Speaker0: Five grade A bastards, led by the king of scumbags, Pavel Yaksyants, (07:45):
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Speaker0: grabbed a busload of kids and their teacher like they were picking up groceries. (07:50):
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Speaker0: 30 innocent children, folks, the kind that still believe in Santa and the Tooth (07:54):
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Speaker0: Fairy, now believing in the barrel of a gun. (07:59):
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Speaker0: Two million rubles and an IL-76 aircraft later These oxygen thieves thought (08:03):
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Speaker0: they'd pulled off the heist of the century But let me tell you something about (08:09):
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Speaker0: karma It's a vindictive mistress with brass knuckles, (08:13):
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Speaker0: These cockwombles scuttled their way to Israel Thinking they'd found sanctuary Instead, (08:18):
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Speaker0: they found Israeli troops Waiting to introduce their faces to the tarmac Now (08:23):
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Speaker0: they're enjoying an all-expenses-paid vacation in the Soviet prison system, (08:28):
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Speaker0: where the only hijacking they'll be doing is fighting over who gets the top bunk. (08:32):
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Speaker0: The kids, they're safe. But somewhere in this city, 30 families are holding (08:38):
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Speaker0: their children a little tighter tonight, while five families are probably pretending (08:44):
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Speaker0: they never had sons at all. (08:48):
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Speaker0: This is Ken's shit, reminding you that some people deserve everything they get. Back to the studio. (08:51):
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Speaker0: In 1959, the world turned its gaze to the frozen expanse of Antarctica, (09:02):
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Speaker0: not for polar bears, they don't live there, but for peace. (09:07):
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Speaker0: Twelve nations, presumably wearing many layers, signed the Antarctic Treaty, (09:11):
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Speaker0: declaring the icy continent a scientific sanctuary and banning military shenanigans. (09:16):
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Speaker0: Sovereignty disputes, frozen solid, nuclear testing, not on their snow-covered watch, (09:21):
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Speaker0: The treaty, now boasting 56 signatories, remains a beacon of cooperation and (09:28):
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Speaker0: a reminder that even in sub-zero temperatures, diplomacy can thrive For more (09:34):
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Speaker0: on this chilly triumph, here's Hardiman Pesto. (09:39):
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Speaker0: Yes, Martin. I'm here with Dr. Penelope Frostbottom of the International Ice Council. (09:43):
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Speaker0: The mood here is distinctly chilly as delegates from 12 nations gather to sign (09:49):
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Speaker0: what they're calling the Antarctic Treaty. (09:54):
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Speaker0: And what exactly does this treaty achieve, Pesto? (09:56):
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Speaker0: Well, essentially, Martin, it's stopping anyone from doing anything warlike on the ice. (10:00):
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Speaker0: No tanks, no missiles, no nuclear testing, just penguins and science. (10:05):
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Speaker0: If I may interject, it's rather more significant than that. This represents (10:11):
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Speaker0: the first time during the Cold War that... Yes, quite right, Dr. (10:14):
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Speaker0: Frostbottom. The Russians and Americans are both here, eyeing each other suspiciously (10:19):
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Speaker0: over their hot chocolates. (10:24):
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Speaker0: Pesto, are you actually at the signing ceremony? Well, I'm in the vicinity, Martin. (10:26):
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Speaker0: There's definitely ice. Where exactly are you? (10:31):
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Speaker0: I'm in the hotel bar, the frozen penguin. That's impossible. (10:34):
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Speaker0: I'm the head of the International Ice Council. (10:38):
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Speaker0: And I've never heard of... Breaking news, Martin. (10:40):
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Speaker0: The Soviet delegate has just ordered a white Russian. Pesto, focus. (10:44):
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Speaker0: What's the significance of this treaty? Well, Martin, it means no one can claim Antarctica. (10:48):
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Speaker0: Except for the people who've already claimed it. But they can't really claim (10:54):
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Speaker0: it either. It's all very complicated. (10:58):
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Speaker0: Actually, the treaty freezes existing territorial claims while... Exactly. (11:01):
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Speaker0: Everything's frozen. The claims, the scientists, my feet. (11:05):
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Speaker0: Pesto, where are you really? I'm in my freezer, Martin, but I can see Antarctica from here. (11:10):
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Speaker0: Thank you, Pesto. That's Hardeman Pesto reporting from his kitchen appliance. (11:15):
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Speaker0: The Dines in to T-Stin, a South of T-55. (11:20):
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Speaker0: History was made this day in 1955 when Rosa Parks, an NAACP member, (11:25):
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Speaker0: refused to relinquish her bus seat in Montgomery, Alabama. (11:31):
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Speaker0: Her arrest sparked a 381-day boycott that rattled segregation to its core, led by E.D. (11:35):
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Speaker0: Nixon and a young Martin Luther King Jr. (11:41):
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Speaker0: Women's groups rallied tirelessly, proving that community can drive change, (11:44):
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Speaker0: and buses, apparently, can drive history. (11:51):
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Speaker0: The Supreme Court later ruled bus segregation unconstitutional, (11:56):
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Speaker0: a victory for justice and a crushing blow to bigots everywhere. (12:00):
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Speaker0: Now, from Montgomery, Melody Wintergreen has more on this seismic stand for civil rights. (12:04):
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Speaker0: Montgomery, Alabama, 1955. Melody Wintergreen here, where the air is thick with (12:13):
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Speaker0: tension, the streets are buzzing with defiance, and history is about to take a ride on the bus. (12:20):
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Speaker0: Today, Rosa Parks, a woman of quiet courage, decided she'd had enough. (12:29):
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Speaker0: She refused to give up her seat on the bus to a white passenger. (12:33):
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Speaker0: A simple act, but one that ignited a firestorm, a revolution on wheels. (12:37):
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Speaker0: The Montgomery bus boycott has begun. Led by a young preacher named Martin Luther (12:46):
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Speaker0: King Jr., the black community is saying, no more to segregation. (12:51):
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Speaker0: They're walking, they're carpooling, they're organizing, and they're showing (12:56):
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Speaker0: the world that even the simplest act of resistance can change the course of history. (13:00):
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Speaker0: The city's white power structure is reeling. They never expected such organized (13:08):
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Speaker0: resistance, such a powerful display of unity. (13:13):
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Speaker0: The buses are empty, the streets are filled with marchers, and the status quo (13:16):
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Speaker0: is crumbling faster than a stale biscuit. (13:21):
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Speaker0: As the sun sets on Montgomery, the eyes of the nation are watching. (13:27):
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Speaker0: This is more than a bus boycott. It's a battle for the soul of America. (13:32):
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Speaker0: It's a fight for equality, for dignity, for the right to sit where you please, (13:36):
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Speaker0: regardless of the color of your skin. (13:41):
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Speaker0: This is Melody Wintergreen for Newsbang from Montgomery, where a single act (13:44):
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Speaker0: of defiance has set in motion a movement that will change the world. (13:50):
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Speaker0: Newsbang, the search for truth, justice and a half-decent soundbite. (13:58):
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Speaker0: 1966. Sport now. And to bring us a story from 1966 that's positively groundbreaking, (14:04):
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Speaker0: literally, it's our resident oracle of athletics, Ryder Boff. (14:12):
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Speaker0: Breaking sports news from 1966 and the University of New Mexico has unveiled (14:21):
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Speaker0: their revolutionary new basketball arena, nicknamed The Pit. (14:26):
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Speaker0: Architect Joe Digger, baning, has taken the bold step of burying the entire (14:30):
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Speaker0: thing underground like a massive concrete badger set. (14:34):
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Speaker0: Rather than building up into the sky like some sort of attention-seeking giraffe, (14:38):
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Speaker0: they've gone down, down, deeper and down, creating what can only be described (14:42):
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Speaker0: as the world's first subterranean sports coliseum. (14:47):
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Speaker0: Athletic director Pete McDavid and coach Bob King were instrumental in pushing (14:54):
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Speaker0: this project through, though I must say it reminds me of my own underground (14:58):
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Speaker0: ventures in 62 when I attempted to dig a wine cellar beneath my semi-detached in Purley. (15:01):
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Speaker0: The council weren't best pleased when my neighbour's conservatory disappeared (15:07):
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Speaker0: into a sinkhole during songs of praise. (15:11):
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Speaker0: The construction method was particularly ingenious. They built the roof first, (15:17):
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Speaker0: then dug out underneath, like eating the filling of a meat pie through a hole in the crust. (15:21):
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Speaker0: The 15,000-seat arena sits 37 feet below ground level, making it impossible (15:26):
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Speaker0: for players to storm off in a huff without climbing a considerable number of steps first. (15:30):
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Speaker0: The steep seating arrangement means spectators are practically on top of each (15:38):
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Speaker0: other, creating an atmosphere that's (15:42):
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Speaker0: been described as more intense than a wasp's nest in a telephone box. (15:43):
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Speaker0: The acoustics are reportedly so good, you can hear a coach's nervous breakdown (15:47):
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Speaker0: from anywhere in the arena. (15:51):
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Speaker0: I'm told the underground location has reduced construction costs by 80%, (15:55):
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Speaker0: though one can't help but wonder if they've factored in the cost of installing (15:59):
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Speaker0: those giant periscopes for the people in the back row to see the game. (16:03):
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Speaker0: Still, it's a far cry from my days. (16:07):
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Speaker0: Reporting on the Netherwallop Village Hall Basketball League, (16:10):
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Speaker0: where spectators had to take turns standing on each other's shoulders to see over the vicar's hat. (16:13):
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Speaker0: This revolutionary design is sure to influence arena construction for years (16:22):
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Speaker0: to come, although I do worry about what might happen if someone forgets to put (16:25):
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Speaker0: the plug in during a heavy rain. (16:29):
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Speaker0: I've been Ryder Boff, reporting from somewhere beneath New Mexico, (16:30):
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Speaker0: and now back to the studio before the oxygen runs out. (16:34):
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Speaker0: Penelope Windchime now, our beacon of botanical truths and climate curiosities. (16:43):
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Speaker0: She's here with an eco-mystery that washed ashore in 1948, leaving behind more (16:48):
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Speaker0: questions than footprints. (16:53):
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Speaker0: Environews flash, Penelope Windchime here with a terrifying tale of ecological proportions. (16:57):
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Speaker0: On this day in 1948, Mother Earth herself rejected a mysterious visitor on Somerton (17:03):
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Speaker0: Beach, Adelaide, spitting him out like a watermelon seed onto her sandy shores. (17:08):
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Speaker0: The man, now known to be Charles Webb, was found wearing American threads that (17:13):
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Speaker0: weren't biodegradable. (17:19):
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Speaker0: A crime against nature if I ever heard one. (17:21):
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Speaker0: The poor soul was carrying a scrap of paper with the words which my extensive (17:29):
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Speaker0: research reveals is ancient Persian for please recycle after reading. (17:35):
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Speaker0: His distinctive dental work suggests he was part of a secret society of tooth-collecting (17:39):
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Speaker0: environmentalists who stored microfilm in their molars. (17:46):
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Speaker0: After 74 years of mystery, modern DNA science, using only sustainable organic laboratory practices, (17:55):
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Speaker0: finally identified him as Charles Webb, An electrical engineer who was probably (18:02):
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Speaker0: trying to harness the power of beach sand to create renewable energy. (18:08):
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Speaker0: Though questions remain about his death, I personally believe he was taken by (18:13):
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Speaker0: a group of militant seagulls protesting human encroachment on their nesting grounds. (18:18):
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Speaker0: The case remains a warning to us all about the dangers of wearing non-organic (18:29):
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Speaker0: clothing and carrying suspicious pieces of paper. (18:33):
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Speaker0: I'm Penelope Windchime and the waves are watching. (18:36):
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Speaker0: Marcus Hul, news bang, flushing out the rats of misinformation from the attic of the public mind. (18:42):
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Speaker0: In 1953, a man armed with little more than a thousand dollar loan from his mother (18:50):
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Speaker0: and an eyebrow-raising vision turned the publishing world on its head. (18:56):
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Speaker0: Hugh Hefner, in a move that left post-war conservatism clutching its pearls, (19:01):
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Speaker0: founded Playboy magazine in Chicago. (19:06):
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Speaker0: The debut issue, featuring Marilyn Monroe and a cocktail of highbrow literature (19:10):
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Speaker0: and provocative photography, became an instant sensation, redefining the concept (19:14):
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Speaker0: of masculinity and setting a new standard for men's magazines. (19:19):
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Speaker0: For more on how this cultural grenade exploded onto the scene, (19:23):
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Speaker0: here's Perkins Stornoway. (19:27):
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Speaker0: 1953, Chicago, Dogger, Moderate, Becoming Rough, (19:33):
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Speaker0: Hefner, Thousand Dollar Loan, Mother, Vision, Eyebrow Raising, (19:39):
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Speaker0: Publishing World, On Its Head, Lundy, Fair, Becoming Very Good. (19:45):
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Speaker0: Esquire Holdings, Staff Exodus, German Byte, Occasionally Cyclonic, (19:52):
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Speaker0: Rabbit-Based Business Model, Revolutionary, Viking, Slight to Moderate, (19:58):
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Speaker0: Occasionally Inspiring, (20:04):
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Speaker0: Urban Sophistication Index up 47 points, Chromarty, Becoming Variable, (20:07):
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Speaker0: Intellectual Content Futures Soaring, Shannon, Good. (20:14):
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Speaker0: Literature bonds trading at premium, backed by Ernest Hemingway derivatives. (20:18):
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Speaker0: Conservative values plummeted sharply. Rockall, severe gale 9. (20:24):
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Speaker0: Masculinity stocks rallied strongly. (20:30):
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Speaker0: Humber, fair. Cultural revolution indicators showing robust growth in urban sectors. (20:33):
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Speaker0: Monroe futures exploded overnight, fair isle, moderate or good. (20:40):
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Speaker0: Centrefold market capitalisation exceeded expectations by 4,000%. (20:46):
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Speaker0: Soul, occasionally poor. (20:51):
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Speaker0: Maternal investment yielded return of 17 million percent by close of trading. (20:54):
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Speaker0: And that's the business. 1966. In a fiery tale of festive ambition and criminal mischief, (21:00):
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Speaker0: we journey back to this day in 1966 when the first gavel goat, (21:07):
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Speaker0: a towering 13-metre straw colossus built to lure shoppers in Sweden, (21:12):
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Speaker0: met its untimely end in flames on New Year's Eve. (21:17):
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Speaker0: Constructed at a cost of 10,000 SEK, this three-ton beast was meant to be a (21:22):
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Speaker0: beacon of holiday cheer, but instead became a blazing headline. (21:27):
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Speaker0: Despite its demise, the goat rose again each year, becoming a beloved yet doomed (21:32):
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Speaker0: tradition as arsonists continue to test its resilience. (21:38):
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Speaker0: To unravel the enduring allure of this scorched spectacle, we turn now to our (21:43):
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Speaker0: culture correspondent, Smithsonian Moss. (21:48):
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Speaker0: Now at this point of the evening, we welcome listeners on FM who've just joined us. (21:52):
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Speaker0: Wah-ho, you bunch of holiday haters. It's me, Smithsonian Moss, (22:03):
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Speaker0: and I'm about to spill the tea on the most lit Christmas tradition in all the land, the gavel goat. (22:09):
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Speaker0: Now, I know what you're thinking. What's the big deal about a straw goat? (22:15):
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Speaker0: Well, let me tell you, this ain't your grandma's goat. (22:19):
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Speaker0: Folks, this is a 13-meter tall, 7-meter long, 3-ton behemoth of a goat, (22:22):
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Speaker0: and it's been getting burned to the ground on New Year's Eve since 1966. (22:28):
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Speaker0: That's right, folks. This goat has been the victim of some serious vandalism over the years. (22:34):
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Speaker0: I mean, who needs a Festivus miracle when you can just torch a giant straw goat? Am I right? (22:39):
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Speaker0: And let me tell you, the people of Gavel, Sweden, are just as extra as I am. (22:46):
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Speaker0: They're like, oh, you want to burn our goat? (22:52):
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Speaker0: Well, we'll just build a bigger one next year. It's like the ultimate game of (22:55):
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Speaker0: holiday-themed cat and mouse. (23:00):
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Speaker0: Now i know some of you are thinking but smithsonia (23:03):
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Speaker0: why do they keep building the goat if it's just going to get burned down well (23:07):
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Speaker0: my friends it's all about the drama the spectacle the instagram likes i mean (23:11):
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Speaker0: who needs a boring old christmas tree when you can have a giant straw goat that's (23:17):
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Speaker0: just begging to be set ablaze it's like the ultimate holiday thrill ride. (23:21):
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Speaker0: And let's not forget the economic impact of this whole ordeal. (23:27):
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Speaker0: I mean, the city of Gavel is basically like, hey, come for the goat, stay for the burning. (23:31):
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Speaker0: It's like a twisted holiday tourism campaign. And honestly, it's kind of genius. (23:37):
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Speaker0: I mean, who wouldn't want to visit a city that's just a little bit crazy? (23:43):
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Speaker0: So, there you have it, folks. The Gavel Goat. (23:49):
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Speaker0: A holiday tradition that's equal parts bizarre and brilliant and if you're feeling (23:52):
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Speaker0: extra festive you can even try your hand at burning it down yourself just kidding (23:57):
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Speaker0: don't do that or do I mean I'm not your mom, (24:02):
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Speaker0: that's all for now folks keep it lit and by lit I mean don't set anything on fire. (24:09):
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Speaker0: The news bang, drenching the bonfire of broken promises with kerosene of conviction. (24:19):
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Speaker0: And finally, a look at tomorrow's papers. The Times. (24:27):
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Speaker0: UN troops leg it from North Korea. There's a map there of the escape route. (24:32):
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Speaker0: The Telegraph. 28 ships down in Bari raid. (24:38):
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Speaker0: And I notice they've a picture of a ship not sinking. (24:42):
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Speaker0: The Mail. Ford unveils new motor, the Model A Mark II. (24:47):
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Speaker0: There's a photograph of a car with a proud owner. (24:53):
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Speaker0: The express go with mystery gas cloud over Barry. That's all from us tonight. (24:57):
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Speaker0: And now, a message from our friends at the BBC. (25:05):
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Speaker0: If you're still listening to this on the wireless, it's time to switch off and go to bed. (25:09):
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Speaker0: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (25:15):
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Speaker0: Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. (25:19):
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Speaker0: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. Good night. (25:24):
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