Xylophone Xenophobia Exterminated

Tonight's News-Show delves into an array of intriguing and often absurd topics, starting with a cosmic discovery that highlights the mysteries of the universe. In 1967, Jocelyn Bell Burnell made a groundbreaking observation by detecting the signals of a pulsar, a rapidly spinning neutron star that emits rhythmic radio pulses. Initially dismissed as mirroring terrestrial disturbances, such as a faulty cafeteria microwave or even a janitor's watch, the discovery altered the landscape of astrophysics, bringing with it the glaring issue of gender bias in science as the Nobel Prize was awarded to Bell Burnell's male supervisor instead. The show then shifts gears to an odd but entertaining account of Nashville's history, illuminating the evening when 77-year-old Uncle Jimmy Thompson inadvertently hijacked the airwaves in 1925 with his mournful fiddle tunes about a deceased cow. This unintentional broadcast not only became the cornerstone of the Grand Ole Opry but also had widespread effects, from knocking birds out of the sky to initiating a wave of musical enthusiasm that persists in Music City to this day. In another layer of the discussion, the program humorously recounts the formation of the Royal Society in 1660, which began under bizarre circumstances in a pub cellar. Prominent figures like Robert Boyle and Christopher Wren playfully conducted experiments while indulging in jovial revelry, leading to the establishment of a prestigious scientific institution. Their more ludicrous antics, such as testing the fall rate of a bishop versus a feather and their haphazard proclamations about bacon and apples, encapsulate the chaotic and humorous beginnings of what became a cornerstone of scientific collaboration. As the News-Show proceeds to the weather update, the somber and vivid descriptions provided by the resident “doomcaster” convey a dismal forecast for several regions, using witty analogies and vivid imagery to paint the picture of an England beset by fog and frigid temperatures. The forecast humorously intertwines festive elements with grim meteorological realities, likening conditions to unpleasant family gatherings. History's segment boasts reports from pivotal moments, such as the brutal 1470 military campaign led by Emperor Le Thanh Tong of Dai Viet against the Kingdom of Champa. The tale is vividly dramatized by Brian Bastable, who recounts the chaotic battle while evading flaming projectiles and debris. The tensions between religious ideologies add depth to the conflict, ultimately showcasing the broader implications of military expansion during that era. Another significant historical moment explored is Albania's declaration of independence from the Ottoman Empire in 1912 amid regional turmoil. Correspondent Hardeman Pesto, alongside Professor Alexandra Chalkdust, navigates through the contrasting reactions to this declaration, capturing the celebratory yet precarious atmosphere that heralded the birth of a new nation amidst the chaos of the Balkan Wars. The segment transitions to the realm of sports with a comedic retelling of the first automobile race in Chicago in 1895, where technical failures and harsh weather conditions made the event ludicrous. The commentary illustrates the mishaps of early automotive innovation, establishing a colorful narrative that blends humor with historical insight. The environmental crises segment, led by the poetically personified Penelope Windchime, reflects on the ecological disaster caused by the SS Petriana in 1903, which spilt oil into pristine Australian waters. Windchime's lamentation underscores the tragic consequences of human activity on marine ecosystems, calling attention to the need for accountability and reform in environmental practices. The show wraps up with a lighthearted yet introspective look at travel disruptions, also featuring absurd traffic reports from various locales across history, including an encounter between an Air New Zealand flight and Mount Ereb

Episode Transcript

Speaker1: Tonight's top terrors. Astronomer's ear abused by cosmic whisper turns out to be quite important. (00:05):
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Speaker1: Nashville nightmare Grand Ole Opry gobsmacks cowboys with airwave ambush. (00:15):
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Speaker1: And royal society forms without actual royals. Is this the end of civilization? (00:22):
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Speaker1: Plus, we'll investigate the shocking reports that aardvarks are behind the great (00:30):
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Speaker1: avocado heist of San Francisco. (00:35):
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Speaker1: Those are the headlines. Stay toasted. (00:39):
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Speaker0: News bang! (00:45):
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Speaker3: Dragging fact from the putrid pond of fiction one splash at a time. (00:47):
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Speaker3: 1967. (00:53):
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Speaker6: Shocking news from the world of science. In 1967, (00:55):
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Speaker6: a female student, Jocelyn Bell Burnell, was allowed to touch scientific equipment, (01:00):
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Speaker6: leading to the discovery of (01:05):
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Speaker6: a pulsar, a cosmic lighthouse spinning faster than a top on a hot plate. (01:07):
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Speaker0: The pulsar emitted regular bleeps. (01:12):
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Speaker1: Leading some to suspect alien contact or a rogue microwave in the observatory cafeteria. (01:15):
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Speaker1: Dr. Herbert Twiddle recalls, We thought it was the janitor's pocket watch. (01:20):
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Speaker1: Then Miss Bell explained it was a dense ball of neutrons showing off. (01:25):
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Speaker6: The Nobel Prize, however, went to her male supervisor, proving that in science, (01:29):
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Speaker6: as in ballroom dancing, the man gets the trophy. (01:34):
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Speaker6: The pulsar, meanwhile, continues to bleep mockingly from across the galaxy. (01:38):
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Speaker3: 1925. (01:43):
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Speaker1: Country music's origin story takes a bizarre turn. (01:44):
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Speaker1: It appears the entire industry was launched when Uncle Jimmy Thompson, (01:48):
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Speaker1: 77, accidentally hijacked a radio frequency with his fiddle and a mournful ballad (01:52):
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Speaker1: about his deceased cow, Bessie. (01:57):
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Speaker6: The broadcast knocked birds out of the sky and caused temporary deafness across 14 states. (01:59):
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Speaker6: Listeners couldn't stop tapping their feet, leading to a surge in workplace accidents. (02:06):
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Speaker1: Cletus Moonbeam recalls his grandpappy's account. (02:12):
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Speaker1: Uncle Jimmy was fuelled by moonshine. His fiddle bow caught fire, (02:15):
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Speaker1: then his beard, but he just kept playing. (02:20):
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Speaker1: The incident sparked an epidemic of banjo playing and yodeling that plagues Nashville to this day. (02:22):
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Speaker3: But Drees 16. 60. (02:28):
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Speaker6: Chaos in London. Twelve men, including Robert Boyle and Christopher Wren, (02:31):
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Speaker6: were caught conducting unauthorised experiments in a pub cellar. (02:36):
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Speaker6: They called it the Royal Society, but witnesses described dangerous substances and maniacal cackling. (02:39):
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Speaker1: Tavern owner Thomas Two Pints Wadsworth reported they kept yelling for bacon (02:47):
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Speaker1: and dropping apples on people's heads. (02:52):
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Speaker1: Surprisingly, King Charles II approved, marking the first time a pub crawl birthed (02:55):
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Speaker1: a scientific institution. (03:00):
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Speaker6: Their first experiment, proving a bishop falls faster than a feather by chucking (03:01):
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Speaker6: one off St. Paul's Cathedral. (03:06):
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Speaker6: Christopher Wren was heard to mutter, well, I built it, I can do what I like with it. (03:09):
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Speaker3: Die still. News bang. Deconstructing the misinformed masses' matrix of misconception, one broadcast at a time. (03:16):
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Speaker1: Now, for the meteorological miseries of the day, here's our resident doomcaster (03:25):
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Speaker1: of drizzle and frostbite, Shakanaka Giles. (03:30):
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Speaker0: Right then southeast england's looking. (03:43):
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Speaker1: Grimmer than your aunt's turkey leftovers with a thick gravy-like fog rolling (03:46):
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Speaker3: In faster than black friday (03:51):
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Speaker1: Shoppers at dawn temperatures hovering (03:53):
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Speaker3: Around five Pave de (03:56):
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Speaker1: Gossiecks, about as warm as your in-laws welcome. (03:57):
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Speaker3: Midlands folk can expect precipitation thicker than Uncle Bob's post-dinner (04:04):
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Speaker3: snoring, with occasional breaks just long enough to dash to the shops for more cranberry sauce. (04:09):
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Speaker3: Up Scotland Way is proper brass monkeys weather, a nippy Tintudegroo Gossie, (04:17):
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Speaker1: Making those Highland cows look like they're wearing (04:23):
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Speaker3: Designer fur coats. (04:26):
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Speaker1: Expect snow flurries gentler (04:29):
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Speaker3: Than your grandmother's (04:31):
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Speaker1: Judgment about your life choices. (04:32):
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Speaker1: In summary then, foggy bottoms, (04:37):
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Speaker3: Wet middles and frozen tops, rather like a badly defrosted (04:39):
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Speaker1: Christmas pudding and that's all the weather. (04:44):
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Speaker6: 1470. And now, history's pages turn to the year 1470, when Emperor Le Tantong (04:58):
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Speaker6: of Dai Viet decided diplomacy was for amateurs, and launched a colossal military (05:05):
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Speaker6: campaign against the Kingdom of Champa. (05:11):
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Speaker6: Champa's capital, Vijaya, was captured, its autonomy reduced to a vassal state, (05:14):
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Speaker6: and its institutions left looking like a particularly aggressive yard sale. (05:19):
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Speaker6: Trade routes. resources, and a clash of Buddhist versus Hindu-Buddhist ideals (05:25):
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Speaker6: all played their part, cementing Dai Viet's regional dominance and Champa's unfortunate decline. (05:30):
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Speaker6: Brian Bastable has more from the ancient battlefield. (05:36):
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Speaker2: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the blood-soaked shores of ancient Champa, (05:41):
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Speaker2: where Emperor Lathan Tong's quarter-million-strong army has just crashed through (05:47):
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Speaker2: the jungle like an angry rhinoceros with a particularly nasty head cold. (05:51):
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Speaker2: The air is thick with arrows and I've just watched three men being catapulted (05:57):
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Speaker2: over the walls of Vijaya. (06:01):
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Speaker2: One was playing a lute on the way down. (06:03):
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Speaker0: Quite remarkable composure, really. (06:05):
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Speaker2: The Dai Viet forces are using these fascinating new weapons. (06:10):
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Speaker2: Just yesterday I saw a man's pagoda blown clean off. Speaking of which, there goes another one. (06:14):
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Speaker1: Explosion. (06:21):
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Speaker2: The naval force is absolutely massive, I counted them out and I counted them (06:24):
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Speaker2: back in, though I must admit counting becomes rather difficult when you're dodging flaming projectiles. (06:29):
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Speaker2: One just singed my eyebrows. (06:35):
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Speaker2: Adds a rather rakish quality to my appearance I must say. (06:37):
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Speaker2: The Cham defenders are putting up a spirited resistance but it's like watching (06:43):
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Speaker2: a butterfly I fight a steamroller, a very angry, well-organized steamroller (06:47):
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Speaker2: with 250,000 moving parts. (06:52):
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Speaker2: Oh, there goes the temple, and the palace, and my left shoe. (06:56):
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Speaker2: The Hindu-Buddhist artifacts are being scattered like confetti at a particularly violent wedding. (07:01):
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Speaker2: This is rapidly becoming less of a battle and more of a complete dismantling, (07:08):
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Speaker2: rather like watching someone take apart a jigsaw puzzle with a battering ram. (07:13):
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Speaker2: Brian Bastable, newsbang, ducking for cover behind what used to be the royal (07:21):
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Speaker2: throne, now being used as a rather elaborate doorstop. (07:26):
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Speaker3: 1912 A momentous (07:31):
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Speaker1: Occasion from this day in 1912 as 83 delegates gathered in Vlor to declare Albania's (07:33):
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Speaker1: independence from the Ottoman Empire. (07:39):
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Speaker1: Amid the chaos of the Balkan Wars, Albania boldly stepped into the spotlight, (07:41):
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Speaker1: supported by Austria, Hungary and Italy, while Russia and Serbia looked on with (07:46):
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Speaker1: furrowed brows and clenched fists. (07:50):
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Speaker1: The great powers eventually nodded in agreement, but the fledgling nation faced (07:53):
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Speaker1: the Herculean task of building a state from Ottoman rubble. (07:58):
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Speaker1: Hardeman Pesto is in vlor to dig into the details of this historic declaration (08:01):
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Speaker1: and the aftermath. Hardeman, (08:05):
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Speaker1: Yes, Martin, I'm here in Vlor, where the mood is absolutely electric. (08:09):
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Speaker1: I'm standing with Professor Artemis Chalkdust, expert in Ottoman decline and decay. (08:14):
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Speaker3: Actually, it's Professor Alexandra Chalkdust. (08:20):
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Speaker1: Pesto, what's the situation there? (08:22):
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Speaker0: Well, Martin, as you can see behind me. (08:25):
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Speaker1: 83 delegates have just signed the declaration. The Ottoman Empire is finished (08:27):
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Speaker1: here, kaput, done and dusted. And what's the Turkish response? (08:31):
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Speaker1: They're taking it rather well, actually. (08:35):
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Speaker1: Very sporting. That's completely incorrect. (08:37):
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Speaker3: The Ottomans are furious. (08:40):
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Speaker1: Well, that's your opinion, Professor, but I've just had lunch with the Turkish (08:41):
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Speaker1: ambassador, and he seemed perfectly cheerful. (08:44):
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Speaker1: Did you really have lunch with the Turkish ambassador? (08:47):
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Speaker1: Yes, lovely chap. Had the fish. (08:50):
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Speaker1: The Turkish ambassador was recalled to Constantinople three days ago. (08:52):
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Speaker1: Well, that explains why he was in such a hurry to leave the restaurant. (08:57):
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Speaker1: Pesto. What's that sound behind you? That's just the celebrations, Martin. (09:01):
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Speaker1: Bit of local colour. Those are artillery shells. traditional Albanian firecrackers. Very festive. (09:05):
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Speaker1: And where exactly are you right now? I'm in the assembly hall where... This is impossible. (09:12):
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Speaker5: The assembly hall was cleared (09:16):
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Speaker1: Hours ago due to the shelling. Well, as you can see, Martin, (09:17):
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Speaker1: I'm getting some excellent coverage of this historic moment. (09:21):
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Speaker1: Back to you in the studio. (09:24):
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Speaker1: Pesto, are you actually in Albania? Define in. That's Hardeman Pesto, allegedly in Vlor. (09:26):
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Speaker1: Coming up after the break, why did Napoleon really lose at Waterloo? (09:33):
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Speaker1: Our man in Belgium blames the sandwiches. (09:38):
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Speaker3: 1925. (09:41):
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Speaker6: A seismic shift in the airwaves occurred this day in 1925, as Nashville's WSM (09:42):
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Speaker6: barn dance fiddled its way into history, led by 77-year-old Uncle Jimmy Thompson. (09:48):
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Speaker6: With a 5,000-watt signal so powerful it could probably cook breakfast in Boston, (09:55):
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Speaker6: the broadcast marked the dawn of what would later be known as the Grand Ole Opry. (10:00):
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Speaker6: Nashville, henceforth dubbed Music City, became the epicenter of country music. (10:05):
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Speaker0: For more on this twangy tale. (10:12):
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Speaker6: We turn to Melody Wintergreen. (10:14):
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Speaker5: Nashville, Tennessee, 1925. Melody Wintergreen here, at the birthplace of country (10:19):
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Speaker5: music, where the fiddles are tuning up, the banjos are a-plunking, (10:26):
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Speaker5: and history is about to be made. (10:30):
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Speaker5: Tonight, the WSM barn dance is taking to the airwaves, And thanks to a 5,000-watt (10:35):
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Speaker5: signal, folks from Maine to (10:41):
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Speaker5: Mississippi are about to get a taste of that sweet, sweet country sound. (10:43):
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Speaker5: Leading the charge is 77-year-old Uncle Jimmy Thompson, a fiddler whose bow (10:48):
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Speaker5: can make a grown man weep, or at least tap his foot. (10:53):
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Speaker5: This ain't your grandpappy's hoedown, folks. This is the dawn of a new era, (11:01):
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Speaker5: the birth of the Grand Ole Opry. (11:06):
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Speaker5: George D. Hay, the visionary behind it all, is about to transform this humble (11:08):
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Speaker5: barn dance into a national phenomenon, a cultural touchstone, (11:13):
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Speaker5: a place where rhinestone cowboys and heartbroken crooners will become legends. (11:17):
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Speaker5: Nashville, get ready for your close-up. You're about to become Music City, (11:27):
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Speaker5: the heart and soul of country music, the place where dreams are made and broken, often in the same song. (11:33):
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Speaker5: From Uncle Jimmy's fiddle to the rhinestone-studded stage of the Opry, (11:42):
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Speaker5: it's a journey from humble beginnings to iconic status, (11:46):
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Speaker5: the Grand Ole Opry, a testament to the power of music to unite, (11:50):
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Speaker5: inspire, and make you want to grab your partner and do see dough. (11:54):
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Speaker5: Melody Wintergreen, Newsbang, from Nashville, where the music is playing, (11:59):
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Speaker5: The stories are flowing and the twang is strong. (12:03):
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Speaker3: Audio Newsbang. Serving a strictly fact-based breakfast of champions every day. (12:10):
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Speaker3: Brequit in my destooker seal. A chitin 95. (12:18):
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Speaker1: Ryder Boff, our man with a racket for recounting the absurdities of sport, takes us now to Chicago. (12:22):
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Speaker1: 1895, where wheels met chaos in America's first automobile race. (12:29):
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Speaker3: And now, broadcasting live from Chicago in 1895, where the first American automobile (12:39):
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Speaker3: race has just concluded in conditions that would make a polar bear reach for (12:44):
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Speaker3: its thermal underpants. (12:48):
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Speaker3: Six mechanical contraptions, looking like the bastard offspring of a garden (12:49):
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Speaker3: shed and a steam locomotive, battled it out over 54 miles of treacherous terrain. (12:52):
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Speaker3: And they're off. Or rather, they're slowly chugging along, like a line of particularly (13:01):
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Speaker3: asthmatic tortoises. Duria's spluttering duchess is in the lead, (13:05):
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Speaker3: although spluttering is putting it mildly. (13:09):
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Speaker3: It sounds like a hippopotamus with a bad case of the hiccups. (13:11):
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Speaker3: And behind him, oh dear, is that smoke. (13:14):
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Speaker3: Yes, I believe Throttle Bunny's mechanical marvel is spontaneously combusting. (13:17):
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Speaker3: Someone fetch a fire extinguisher, or perhaps a bucket of water and a large handkerchief. (13:24):
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Speaker3: This is more exciting than a ferret race down a trouser leg. (13:30):
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Speaker3: Frank Duria's motorised wagon, nicknamed the Spluttering Duchess, (13:36):
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Speaker3: took first place despite resembling something my Aunt Mabel might have cobbled (13:40):
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Speaker3: together after too much sherry trifle. (13:43):
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Speaker3: The winning machine featured what observers are calling a lightweight frame, (13:45):
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Speaker3: though at £600 it's hardly what you'd call svelte, rather like my second wife (13:50):
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Speaker3: after her healthy eating phase. (13:55):
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Speaker3: Speaking of which reminds me of my own attempt at mechanical innovation back (14:01):
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Speaker3: in 82. tried to build a motorised deck chair for the garden, (14:04):
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Speaker3: ended up in casualty with third-degree burns and a very angry neighbour whose (14:07):
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Speaker3: prize-winning petunias will never be the same. (14:11):
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Speaker3: But back to Chicago, where the severe snowstorm turned the race into what (14:17):
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Speaker0: Locals are dubbing the great mechanical. (14:20):
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Speaker3: Waddle of 95. Only six out of 83 entrants actually made it to the starting line. (14:22):
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Speaker3: The others presumably got cold feet, or in the case of Professor Windlebottom's (14:27):
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Speaker3: steam-powered penny farthing, simply exploded during preliminary testing. (14:31):
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Speaker3: And here comes young Timothy Sprocket, desperately trying to crank his mechanical (14:39):
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Speaker3: marvel while being overtaken by... Yes, I believe it's an elderly gentleman (14:43):
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Speaker3: on a penny farthing. The crowd is roaring with laughter. (14:47):
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Speaker3: They're having more fun than a barrel of monkeys on a sugar rush. (14:50):
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Speaker3: This race is descending into absolute farce. (14:53):
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Speaker3: It's like a Monty Python sketch come to life. (14:56):
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Speaker3: The $5,000 prize money has caused quite a stir in the automotive world. (15:01):
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Speaker3: That's enough to buy several thousand horses, though admittedly horses don't (15:05):
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Speaker3: require the constant tinkering and elaborate swearing that these horseless carriages seem to demand. (15:09):
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Speaker3: Notable moments included Herbert Throttle Bunny's device catching fire near (15:17):
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Speaker3: Evanston, and young Timothy Sprocket's mechanical marvel being outpaced by an (15:21):
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Speaker3: elderly gentleman on a particularly determined donkey. (15:25):
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Speaker3: The whole affair has been declared a roaring success by the Chicago Times-Herald, (15:28):
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Speaker3: though I suspect that has more to do with newspaper sales than actual roaring. (15:32):
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Speaker3: Duryer crosses the finish line. He's won. He's, wait, he's stalled. (15:39):
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Speaker3: The spluttering duchess has given up the ghost just yards from the finish. (15:43):
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Speaker3: Duryer's out of the car. He's tinkering under the hood. He's muttering curses (15:46):
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Speaker3: that would make a sailor blush. (15:50):
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Speaker3: Oh, the ignominy. It's like winning the marathon, only to trip over the finish (15:52):
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Speaker3: line and land in a vat of port. (15:56):
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Speaker3: I've been Ryder Boff reporting from 1895, where the future of transportation (16:01):
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Speaker3: looks decidedly wobbly, but undeniably entertaining. (16:06):
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Speaker3: Back to the studio, assuming it exists yet. (16:10):
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Speaker6: And now, a familiar voice in environmental calamity with a penchant for poetic despair. (16:17):
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Speaker6: Here's Penelope Windchime to guide us through yet another grim chapter of Nature vs. Humanity. (16:23):
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Speaker5: Oh, the oily injustice! Tonight, viewers, we journey back to 1903, (16:31):
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Speaker5: where the pristine waters off (16:36):
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Speaker0: The coast of Australia suffered a most grievous insult. (16:37):
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Speaker5: The SS Petriana, a metal monstrosity with a heart of coal and a hull full of (16:41):
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Speaker5: oil, decided to redecorate the coastline. (16:46):
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Speaker5: This nautical nightmare, this oily behemoth, ran aground, spewing 1,300 tonnes (16:55):
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Speaker5: of crude oil into the sea. (17:01):
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Speaker5: Imagine the scene, viewers, a slick, black as a politician's heart, (17:04):
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Speaker5: spreading across the waves, choking marine life and turning the once-pristine (17:09):
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Speaker5: beaches into a tar-stained wasteland. (17:15):
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Speaker5: The local pelicans, those elegant aviators of the coast, became oil-slicked (17:23):
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Speaker5: fashion victims, their once pristine feathers matted and blackened by the toxic goo. (17:28):
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Speaker5: The seals, those playful puppies of the sea, developed a rather unfortunate (17:34):
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Speaker5: addiction to petroleum. (17:39):
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Speaker5: They were seen rolling around in the oily, (17:41):
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Speaker0: Slick, like, well, like seals on drugs. (17:44):
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Speaker5: And the human response? A farce, viewers. A travesty. (17:51):
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Speaker5: A man named Bruce stood on the beach repeating, Crikey, as if that would somehow (17:57):
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Speaker5: magically clean up the mess. (18:01):
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Speaker5: Politicians, ever eager to capitalise on a crisis, promised to teach the fish (18:04):
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Speaker5: to swim with their mouths closed. The absurdity. (18:08):
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Speaker5: This is Penelope Windchime, lamenting the loss of innocence, (18:18):
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Speaker5: the despoiling of nature and the oily injustice of it all. Remember the Petriana? (18:22):
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Speaker5: Boycott fossil fuels. And for the love of all that is green and good, (18:28):
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Speaker5: never trust a ship with more oil than brains. (18:33):
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Speaker1: And now, for all the travel news you never knew you needed, here's Polly Beep (18:36):
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Speaker0: With tonight's historical traffic and travel update. (18:41):
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Speaker4: Good evening, Road Warriors. Polly Beep here with tonight's historical traffic and travel update. (18:47):
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Speaker4: Breaking news from Antarctica, where Air New Zealand Flight 901 has just had (18:52):
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Speaker4: a rather unfortunate encounter with Mount Erebus. (18:57):
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Speaker4: If you're planning on taking the ice road B901 past the Ross Ice Shelf, (19:00):
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Speaker4: expect significant delays and a complete whiteout. (19:05):
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Speaker0: Recovery vehicles are struggling to reach the scene due to penguins forming (19:09):
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Speaker0: an impromptu protest march. (19:13):
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Speaker4: Meanwhile, in the balmy Indian Ocean, South African Airways Flight 295 is experiencing (19:18):
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Speaker4: what we in the business call a bit of a warm spell. (19:25):
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Speaker4: The cargo hold appears to be hosting an impromptu barbecue at 35,000 feet. (19:29):
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Speaker4: If you're sailing the M295 maritime route between Taiwan and South Africa, (19:36):
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Speaker4: watch out for falling debris (19:42):
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Speaker0: And floating suitcases. (19:44):
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Speaker4: In other news, the M6 near Birmingham is at a standstill after a lorry carrying (19:49):
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Speaker4: navigation equipment shed its load. (19:54):
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Speaker4: Drivers are now going in circles, much like those flight coordinates that weren't (19:56):
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Speaker4: properly communicated to our Antarctic friends. (19:59):
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Speaker4: And finally, there's heavy congestion on the A40 after someone attempted to (20:06):
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Speaker4: transport a fire suppression system to Heathrow. (20:10):
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Speaker4: Unfortunately, it suppressed itself right across three lanes. (20:13):
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Speaker4: Back to you in the studio and remember, whether you're driving on roads or flying (20:16):
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Speaker4: into mountains, always check your coordinates twice. (20:21):
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Speaker3: 1967. Our resident oracle of the odd and (20:28):
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Speaker6: Overseer of all things scientific, Calamity Prenderville, takes us to the stars, (20:32):
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Speaker6: or at least to Cambridge, where groundbreaking discoveries meet British eccentricity. (20:37):
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Speaker5: Good evening, viewers. Today we're looking back at a remarkable British innovation (20:54):
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Speaker5: that changed astronomy forever. (20:57):
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Speaker5: In 1967, while examining data from the Cambridge Tea Time Radio Array, (20:59):
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Speaker5: a device originally built to monitor BBC Radio 4 signals, (21:04):
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Speaker0: Young researcher Jocelyn Belbinel spotted what she called a bit of scruff in her printouts. (21:10):
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Speaker1: Initially dismissed as interference from a nearby Wimpy Bars microwave, (21:17):
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Speaker1: this regular pulsing signal, occurring every 1.337 seconds, turned out to be (21:21):
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Speaker1: something far more extraordinary. (21:27):
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Speaker1: Some suggested it might be signals from Yorkshire television, (21:29):
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Speaker1: others claimed it was Margaret Thatcher's pacemaker acting up. (21:32):
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Speaker1: The signal was briefly nicknamed Little Green Men, though it clearly wasn't. (21:36):
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Speaker1: Everyone knows aliens prefer to communicate via CFAX. (21:40):
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Speaker5: Using the cutting-edge British technology of the day, namely three miles of (21:45):
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Speaker5: paper charts, two pencils and a ruler from W.H. (21:49):
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Speaker5: Smith, Bell Burnell proved this signal came from what we now call a pulsar, (21:52):
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Speaker5: a rapidly spinning neutron star that sends out regular pulses of radio waves, (21:57):
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Speaker5: much like a cosmic lighthouse or an over-enthusiastic disco ball in space. (22:00):
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Speaker1: The discovery was made possible by the unique British engineering principle (22:06):
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Speaker1: of having a proper look at things, combined with Bell Burnell's dedication to (22:10):
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Speaker1: analysing data while simultaneously making tea, a skill taught exclusively at Cambridge University. (22:14):
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Speaker5: This bit of scruff turned out to be PSR B19192.1, the first pulsar ever discovered, (22:22):
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Speaker5: proving once again that British scientists can find anything if they look hard (22:31):
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Speaker5: enough, even tiny spinning stars thousands of light years away. (22:35):
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Speaker5: This is Calamity Prenderville. Back to the studio. (22:39):
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Speaker3: News bang putting a boot to the posteriors of predatory pundits (22:47):
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Speaker1: And that's nearly it. Just time to round up tomorrow's papers. (22:57):
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Speaker1: The Times leads with Brits win backfort from colonials. That's about a fight in Canada. (23:01):
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Speaker1: The Telegraph goes with Brits on holiday plan invasion of Mauritius. (23:09):
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Speaker1: They've got a map of the place there. (23:14):
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Speaker1: And the Independent leads with FC Barcelona. Started by footballing pioneer. (23:16):
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Speaker1: That's a picture of the bloke who started it. (23:23):
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Speaker1: While the mail says, love dogs become thief detectives. No idea what that's about. (23:27):
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Speaker1: Today has a follow-up on that strawberry-themed party they had last week. (23:36):
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Speaker1: I'm sure it'll be absolutely fascinating. (23:40):
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Speaker0: And that's it. (23:43):
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Speaker1: Thanks to all our critics who have managed to keep this bloody show on the air for yet another year. (23:45):
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Speaker1: I don't know how you do it, because it's actually turned into as effective a (23:50):
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Speaker1: method of clearing streets as Glastonbury Weekend. (23:55):
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Speaker3: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (23:58):
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Speaker3: Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. (24:03):
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Speaker3: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. (24:08):
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Speaker0: Good night. (24:12):
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