Yodeling Yeti Yawners

In this episode of Newsbang, we delve into the most bizarre headlines from history, bringing humor to some of the oddest moments captured in our past. We begin in 1977 with a bizarre occurrence where an alien named Vrilon from the Ashtar Galactic Command commandeered Southern TV’s signal. His peculiar six-minute message, warning humanity about nuclear weapons, was promptly overshadowed by complaints about regular programming interruptions, demonstrating that even extraterrestrial affairs can be met with indifference—or worse, tea time. Witnesses recounted the peculiar experience with shock and bewilderment, as the entire episode unfolded like a cosmic sitcom. Visiting the realm of crime, we jump to 1983 and highlight the infamous Brink's Mat robbery—a gold heist that led robbers to abscond with £26 million worth of precious metals from Heathrow Airport. Security guard Anthony Black unwittingly aided the heist, claiming the robbers were just overly ambitious bakers. The trail of gold melted away into the shadows of British criminal lore, with only half of the loot ever recovered, leaving behind a narrative rife with money laundering schemes and associated chaos that would make even the most hardened criminal blush. Through the lens of dark comedy, we explore how absurdity intertwined with greed led to farcical situations in which both lawmen and robbers tripped over their own ambitions. Switching gears to the sporting world, we recount the 1917 ruckus involving the National Hockey League, wherein team owners turned on one another like bitter rivals over a misunderstanding about team spirit—or rather, the color blue itself. Eddie Livingstone’s blue-obsession saw rival team owners forming a breakaway league in a move that was compared to a messy divorce, filled with child-like tantrums and legal quagmires. We paint a picture of how passionate yet comically incompetent pursuits turned the ice rinks into war zones of ridiculous proportions, making a mockery of sporting governance. As we crisscross through time, we come to the maritime mishap from 1923, where HMS Bulwark caused turmoil on the roads. News of flying ship parts and startled motorists battling maritime memorabilia collectors made for a traffic jam that turned the A249 into a parking lot worse than the Christmas rush. The report on the vehicular chaos blends absurdity and chaos, perfectly encapsulating the hilarity often found in real-life disaster scenarios. Meanwhile, a quick history lesson launched us back to 1939, where we recount the audacious ‘Manila incident’ by the Soviet Union—an act of deception that would make a magician proud. Brian Bastable’s icy foray on the frontlines illustrated the farcical nature of this false flag operation, unknowingly becoming an absurd spectacle worthy of slapstick comedy. His vivid reporting from the ground captured the whimsical, chaotic essence of military bureaucracy gone artistically wrong. Lastly, we round off with an exploration of the impact of the Second Triumvirate established in 43 BCE, where Mark Antony, Lepidus, and Octavian's partnership unraveled into chaos and conflict, mirroring the complexities of office politics—a humorous reflection on ambition, betrayal, and the comedic plight of unity amidst disarray. Pastor Kevin Monstrance’s amusing take on the trio underscores not only the fragility of power but also the timelessness of human folly. Through these historical marvels and mishaps, this episode of Newsbang shines a light on the incredible absurdities of our past, inviting laughter while clearly reminding listeners that truth can sometimes be stranger—and more amusing—than fiction. Tune in for more explorations into the comically intricate web of human history that often results in tales that are anything but ordinary.

Episode Transcript

Speaker0: On this edition of Newsbang. Aliens hijack Southern TV, world still not invaded. (00:05):
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Speaker0: Tuesday blues as 26 million quid swiped from Heathrow. (00:15):
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Speaker0: And Toronto hockey owner forces everyone to leave, form new league. (00:20):
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Speaker0: Plus, coming up, after a tip from a well-placed dog, will Richard from Stevenage (00:27):
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Speaker0: discover he has a life in show business? (00:32):
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Speaker0: In show business, possibly for life. (00:35):
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Speaker0: Those are the headlines. Wake me when the pills wear off. (00:39):
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Speaker0: Grand News Bang Illuminating the darkest corners of ignorance with blazing truth. (00:47):
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Speaker0: 1977 Panic swept across Britain's living rooms today in 1977. (00:55):
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Speaker0: As an alien life-form commandeered television signals to deliver what experts (01:01):
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Speaker0: are calling the most boring extraterrestrial message in history. (01:05):
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Speaker0: The being, identifying itself as Vrilon from the Ashtar Galactic Command, (01:09):
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Speaker0: interrupted scheduled programming to warn humanity about nuclear weapons, (01:15):
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Speaker0: only to be drowned out by complaints about missing crossroads. (01:19):
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Speaker0: Doris Butterworth of Basingstoke reported, There I was, enjoying my evening (01:23):
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Speaker0: tea, when this extraterrestrial git starts banging on about peace and harmony. (01:29):
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Speaker0: I thought it was my husband Gerald having another funny turn. (01:34):
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Speaker0: The Independent Broadcasting Authority launched an immediate investigation, (01:38):
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Speaker0: only to discover their entire security system had been bypassed by what appears (01:42):
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Speaker0: to be a bloke with a Tandy electronics kit and too much time on his hands. (01:47):
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Speaker0: The six-minute transmission ended with what witnesses describe as a sort of (01:51):
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Speaker0: cosmic burp, leading scientists to conclude that even advanced alien civilizations (01:56):
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Speaker0: struggle with dinnertime interruptions. (02:02):
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Speaker0: 1983 Britain was rocked to its core today as shocking new evidence emerged about (02:04):
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Speaker0: the infamous Brink's mat robbery. (02:10):
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Speaker0: The heist, which saw six men steal £26 million worth of precious metals from (02:12):
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Speaker0: Heathrow Airport, has been revealed as nothing more than an elaborate attempt (02:18):
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Speaker0: to collect ingredients for a really fancy birthday cake. (02:22):
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Speaker0: Security guard Anthony Black, who helped the gang gain access, (02:27):
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Speaker0: claims he thought they were simply collecting sprinkles. (02:31):
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Speaker0: I mean, who needs three tons of gold? said Black from his luxury villa in Spain. (02:33):
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Speaker0: I just assumed they were very ambitious bakers. (02:39):
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Speaker0: The sophisticated money-laundering operation that followed has now been exposed (02:42):
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Speaker0: as a series of car boot sales in Basildon. (02:47):
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Speaker0: Local resident Doris Pumpernickel recalls they were selling gold bars labelled (02:50):
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Speaker0: as slightly used doorstops for 50 pence each. I bought 17. (02:55):
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Speaker0: Lloyds of London, who paid out the largest insurance claim in history, (03:01):
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Speaker0: are now demanding their money back in weekly installments of £2.50. (03:05):
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Speaker0: A spokesman said, we've learned our lesson. (03:10):
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Speaker0: From now on, we're only insuring against sensible crimes, like having your face stolen by pirates. (03:13):
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Speaker0: Tatinda 1917. (03:19):
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Speaker0: Shocking scenes from the ice rinks of Canada today as the National Hockey League (03:22):
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Speaker0: emerged from a bitter dispute that witnesses described as basically a massive punch-up in suits. (03:26):
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Speaker0: The scandal erupted when Toronto Blue Shirts owner Eddie Livingston refused (03:32):
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Speaker0: to share his players, claiming he'd already named them and given them matching outfits. (03:36):
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Speaker0: In what historians are calling the great hockey hissy fit of 1917. (03:42):
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Speaker0: Rival team owners stormed out of the NHA, formed their own league and took all (03:47):
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Speaker0: the good players with them. (03:52):
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Speaker0: It was like watching divorced parents fighting over the kids, (03:54):
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Speaker0: said veteran ice-sweeper Clarence Frosty McGee, except with more teeth flying around. (03:58):
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Speaker0: The dispute reached its climax when Livingstone attempted to claim ownership (04:04):
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Speaker0: of the colour blue, leading to a dramatic courtroom scene where he appeared (04:09):
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Speaker0: painted entirely in azure. (04:12):
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Speaker0: The judge, reportedly unmoved by this display, ruled umzi, umton saccellus, (04:14):
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Speaker0: umacobi, and sepainabax, se se, sen a tiok feintz, enti o fweibibi, (04:21):
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Speaker0: long ki, an a e c t, wang, to, to everyone, (04:29):
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Speaker0: you absolute weapon, The newly formed NHL went on to dominate professional hockey, (04:34):
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Speaker0: while Livingstone was last seen trying to trademark the concept of ice itself. (04:40):
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Speaker0: Sources say he's still waiting for the paperwork to thaw. (04:45):
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Speaker0: And now, here to bring us the forecast with all the subtlety of a tectonic plate (04:57):
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Speaker0: shift, it's Shakanaka Giles. (05:01):
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Speaker0: Speaking of shaky situations, exactly 172 years, (05:14):
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Speaker0: tomorrow, the Banda Islands had a bit of a wobble that would make today's forecast (05:20):
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Speaker0: look like a gentle massage, but on to tomorrow's weather. (05:25):
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Speaker0: South East's looking properly November-ish with temperatures dropping faster (05:32):
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Speaker0: than a Dutch colonial fort in a tsunami Pack your woolies, (05:38):
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Speaker0: Midlands will see some atmospheric turbulence nothing like an 8.8 magnitude (05:45):
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Speaker0: shake-up, mind you just enough to ruffle your Wednesday papers, (05:51):
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Speaker0: Up north, expect waves of rain about 8 metres shy of historical Indonesian standards (05:58):
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Speaker0: but still enough to make you question your life choices, (06:05):
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Speaker0: Scotland's getting a proper maritime experience winds strong enough to disrupt (06:11):
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Speaker0: trade routes if we had any proper shipping lanes left up there, (06:17):
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Speaker0: in summary then chilly wet and distinctly less catastrophic than 1852 and that's all the weather. (06:23):
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Speaker0: The year is 1939, and the Soviet Union has taken theatrical politics to new (06:45):
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Speaker0: heights with the so-called Manila incident. (06:50):
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Speaker0: Staging an attack on their own soil, they pointed the finger squarely at Finland, (06:53):
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Speaker0: a manoeuvre so brazen it left even the League of Nations saying, You're out. (06:58):
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Speaker0: This explosive act set the stage for the Winter War, a conflict that saw Finland (07:02):
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Speaker0: lose territory but not its independence. (07:07):
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Speaker0: For more on this Soviet sleight of hand, we turn to Brian Bastable, (07:10):
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Speaker0: who's standing by in history's icy archives. (07:14):
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Speaker0: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the Finnish border, where Soviet artillery (07:19):
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Speaker0: shells are raining down like communist confetti at a dictator's birthday party. (07:24):
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Speaker0: The smell of cordite mingles with my breakfast porridge, which I'm now wearing (07:28):
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Speaker0: thanks to that last blast. (07:33):
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Speaker0: Just moments ago i witnessed seven shells landing in the soviet village of my (07:37):
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Speaker0: nila peculiar thing that they seem to come from behind the soviet lines but (07:43):
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Speaker0: who am i to question the trajectory of high explosive ordnance duck there goes another one. (07:49):
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Speaker0: The Soviets are claiming Finnish aggression, though I've just watched three (07:59):
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Speaker0: NKVD officers high-fiving each other while hastily packing away their artillery pieces. (08:02):
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Speaker0: One of them dropped his false Finnish uniform in the mud. (08:08):
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Speaker0: Rather embarrassing, really. I'm now crawling through the snow toward what appears to be, yes, (08:12):
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Speaker0: a group of Finnish border guards playing cards and drinking coffee some 20 kilometers (08:21):
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Speaker0: from where these shells landed. (08:26):
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Speaker0: They seem remarkably relaxed for a group supposedly bombarding their neighbors. (08:27):
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Speaker0: Massive explosion. Oh dear, there goes my other leg. (08:34):
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Speaker0: But the show must go on. The Soviet diplomatic corps is already drafting strongly (08:38):
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Speaker0: worded letters faster than you can say pretext for invasion. (08:44):
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Speaker0: I've just been handed one. It appears to be written in advance and dated for tomorrow. (08:48):
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Speaker0: This is clearly the most suspicious false flag operation since my Aunt Mildred (08:56):
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Speaker0: claimed her cat wrote her tax returns. (09:01):
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Speaker0: Brian Bastable freezing his remaining limbs off in Meinela for newsbang. (09:04):
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Speaker0: 1983 And now, a leap back to this day in 1983, when Britain witnessed its largest gold heist. (09:10):
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Speaker0: Six robbers, armed with insider tips from a security guard named Anthony Black, (09:19):
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Speaker0: sauntered into the Brink's Mat warehouse at Heathrow and made off with $26 million (09:24):
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Speaker0: in gold, diamonds and cash. The aftermath? (09:29):
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Speaker0: A tangled web of laundering, murders and payouts so hefty Lloyds of London had to loosen its belt. (09:34):
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Speaker0: Only half the stolen gold was ever recovered. The rest, presumably, (09:41):
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Speaker0: is now adorning the necks of very well-dressed criminals. (09:46):
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Speaker0: For more, here's Ken Schitt, who's been digging into the archives and possibly the vaults themselves. (09:50):
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Speaker0: I'm standing outside what used to be the Brink's mat warehouse at Heathrow, (09:58):
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Speaker0: where six grade-A bastards pulled off what can only be described as the mother of all heists. (10:03):
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Speaker0: Three tons of gleaming gold bullion, diamonds that would make your eyes water, (10:08):
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Speaker0: and enough cash to make a banker blush. (10:14):
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Speaker0: All gone in a flash of criminal genius and testicle-crushing violence. (10:16):
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Speaker0: These criminal masterminds, aided by a security guard with all the loyalty of (10:23):
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Speaker0: a snake in a suit, stormed in here wielding the kind of threats that would make (10:28):
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Speaker0: your grandmother's hair curl. (10:32):
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Speaker0: They discovered more than they bargained for. (10:34):
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Speaker0: P. Stunned 26 million worth of more. That's enough to make even the Queen's corgis sit up and beg. (10:36):
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Speaker0: The gold vanished into thin air, melted down faster than a chocolate bar in (10:46):
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Speaker0: hell, while Lloyds of London had to write a cheque so big it made their accountants cry. (10:50):
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Speaker0: Most of that precious metal is still out there somewhere, probably adorning (10:55):
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Speaker0: the wrists and necks of Costa del Crime's finest. (10:59):
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Speaker0: This wasn't just a robbery, folks. This was the crime that changed Britain forever, (11:05):
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Speaker0: leaving a trail of dead bodies, broken promises, and enough paperwork to wallpaper (11:10):
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Speaker0: the Houses of Parliament. Three tons of gold. (11:15):
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Speaker0: Gone. Like my ex-wife's affection, it vanished without a trace. (11:19):
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Speaker0: This is Ken's shit, reporting on the day Britain's criminal underworld struck (11:23):
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Speaker0: gold and our insurance premiums went through the bloody roof. Back to the studio. (11:28):
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Speaker0: 1977 On this day in 1977, Southern television viewers were treated to an unscheduled (11:34):
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Speaker0: interruption by none other than Vriant of the Ashtar Galactic Command. (11:41):
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Speaker0: The six-minute broadcast, a blend of cosmic warnings and oddly polite demands, (11:45):
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Speaker0: caused widespread alarm, UFO fever, and a spike in sales of tin foil hats. (11:50):
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Speaker0: Despite an investigation by the Independent Broadcasting Authority, (11:57):
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Speaker0: the culprit remains as elusive as a proper explanation for the phrase Galactic Command. (12:01):
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Speaker0: Decades on, the event is a cornerstone of extraterrestrial folklore, (12:06):
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Speaker0: or perhaps just a reminder to lock your signal box. Over to Hardeman Pesto, (12:11):
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Speaker0: who's investigating the legacy of this out-of-this-world intrusion. (12:16):
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Speaker0: I'm here with Professor Wendy Crackleburst, head of extraterrestrial communications (12:20):
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Speaker0: at the University of Hampshire, who witnessed the entire incident firsthand. (12:25):
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Speaker0: Pesto, can you confirm exactly what happened during the broadcast interruption? (12:31):
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Speaker0: Well, Martin, according to witnesses, a being calling himself Vrillon appeared (12:35):
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Speaker0: on television and demanded everyone immediately hand over their cheese. (12:39):
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Speaker0: That's not correct at all. The message was about weapons of evil and human advancement. (12:43):
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Speaker0: Professor Crackleburst here says (12:48):
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Speaker0: the alien was wearing a tin foil hat and speaking in a Brummie accent. (12:50):
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Speaker0: Pesto, are you actually listening to the professor? The alien also requested (12:55):
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Speaker0: that all humans learn to juggle by Thursday. (13:00):
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Speaker0: I never said anything remotely like that. (13:03):
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Speaker0: The transmission lasted six minutes and warned about humanity's destructive path. (13:06):
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Speaker0: Professor, could you please clarify what actually occurred? It was a sophisticated (13:11):
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Speaker0: technical intrusion that overrode only the audio signal while... Breaking news. (13:16):
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Speaker0: Martin, the alien has just demanded all dogs must wear pants. (13:21):
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Speaker0: Pesto, stop making things up. Professor, please continue. As I was saying, (13:26):
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Speaker0: this required considerable expertise to... The alien's now doing the hokey-cokey. (13:29):
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Speaker0: Pesto, I want you to stand absolutely still and not speak until I tell you to. (13:35):
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Speaker0: But Martin, the alien's teaching everyone the YMCA dance. Ladies and gentlemen, (13:39):
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Speaker0: that was Hardeman Pesto, who will shortly be pursuing a career in interpretive dance. (13:45):
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Speaker0: 1842 In 1842, Reverend Edward Sorin founded the University of Notre Dame in (13:51):
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Speaker0: Indiana, armed with faith, 524 acres, and presumably a very sturdy pair of boots. (13:58):
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Speaker0: Overcoming isolation, financial woes, and frontier chaos, the university rose (14:05):
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Speaker0: from the ashes of literal fires to become a beacon of academic and spiritual fusion. (14:11):
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Speaker0: Father Sorin's French flair infused Catholic traditions with intellectual ambition, (14:18):
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Speaker0: impacting both students and local native communities. (14:23):
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Speaker0: For more on this tale of resilience and education, we turn to Melody Wintergreen in the United States. (14:27):
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Speaker0: Northern Indiana, 1842, a land of frozen tundra, howling winds, (14:36):
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Speaker0: and... A French priest with a dream. (14:42):
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Speaker0: Melody Wintergreen here, at the unlikely birthplace of an American institution, (14:46):
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Speaker0: the University of Notre Dame. (14:50):
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Speaker0: Father Edward Soren, bless his pioneering soul, has just planted a cross and (14:56):
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Speaker0: a cornerstone in these snowy fields. (15:01):
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Speaker0: He's calling it L'Université de Notre-Dame du Lac, which sounds a whole lot (15:03):
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Speaker0: fancier than that one school in the middle of nowhere. (15:08):
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Speaker0: He's got 524 acres, a handful of Holy Cross brothers, and enough faith to move (15:12):
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Speaker0: mountains, or at least build a university on top of one. (15:18):
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Speaker0: But it's not all Hail Marys and high grades out here on the frontier. (15:26):
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Speaker0: Isolation, financial woes, and the occasional raging inferno, (15:30):
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Speaker0: Father Soren's facing challenges that would make a lesser man run for the hills. or back to France. (15:35):
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Speaker0: But he perseveres, driven by a vision of a Catholic educational powerhouse that (15:42):
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Speaker0: will rival the finest universities in Europe. (15:48):
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Speaker0: Fast forward to today, and that vision has become a reality. (15:55):
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Speaker0: The Golden Dome gleams, a beacon of knowledge and faith, a testament to the (15:59):
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Speaker0: power of one man's unwavering determination. (16:05):
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Speaker0: As the university celebrates this historic anniversary, you can almost hear (16:07):
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Speaker0: Father Soren's voice echoing through the halls. (16:13):
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Speaker0: This college will be the mother of many colleges. (16:17):
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Speaker0: And so it is. Notre Dame has become a symbol of academic excellence, (16:23):
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Speaker0: athletic prowess, and, well, those iconic golden helmets. (16:28):
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Speaker0: From these humble beginnings, a legacy has been forged. (16:34):
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Speaker0: A testament to the enduring power of faith, education, and a little bit of French flair. (16:37):
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Speaker0: Melody Wintergreen, for Newsbang, from the hallowed grounds of Notre Dame, (16:43):
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Speaker0: where the fight for knowledge is as fierce as the fight for a touchdown. (16:48):
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Speaker0: Good news, Bang. Unveiling the universe's secrets with unparalleled audacity and wit. (16:54):
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Speaker0: Tatinda, 1917. And now, a man whose love of sport is matched only by his disdain (17:03):
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Speaker0: for sensible footwear, Ryderboff. (17:09):
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Speaker0: Here, with the icy chaos of 1917's hockey upheaval. (17:12):
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Speaker0: And now, breaking news from 1917 where the National Hockey Association has descended (17:21):
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Speaker0: into what can only be described as a frozen farce. Eddie the Splinter. (17:25):
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Speaker0: Livingstone, owner of the Toronto Blue Shirts, has managed to irritate his fellow (17:30):
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Speaker0: club owners more thoroughly than my second wife's mother at Christmas dinner. (17:34):
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Speaker0: The other clubs have done what any sensible person would do when faced with (17:41):
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Speaker0: an insufferable colleague. (17:44):
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Speaker0: They've packed up their pucks and formed their own league. The Montreal Wanderers, (17:46):
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Speaker0: Montreal Canadiens, Ottawa Senators and Quebec Bulldogs have joined forces faster (17:50):
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Speaker0: than my Aunt Mabel, dropping her knickers at a Tom Jones concert. (17:56):
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Speaker0: Livingston, who famously insisted his players wear actual blue shirts made from (18:03):
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Speaker0: imported Albanian silk, I made that up, has been left out in the cold like a (18:07):
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Speaker0: forgotten meat pie at a vegetarian convention. (18:11):
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Speaker0: The remaining owners formed this new National Hockey League in a secret meeting (18:13):
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Speaker0: at Montreal's prestigious Le Biftec Suspicious Restaurant, where they reportedly (18:19):
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Speaker0: sealed the deal over plates of questionable mousse tartare. (18:25):
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Speaker0: And there's Livingstone now, storming out of the meeting hall, (18:32):
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Speaker0: his moustache quivering with rage like an angry caterpillar doing the Charleston. (18:36):
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Speaker0: He's heading straight for his horse-drawn carriage, but wait, (18:40):
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Speaker0: He slipped on the ice That's going to leave a mark on both his pride And his (18:43):
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Speaker0: perfectly pressed trousers. (18:46):
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Speaker0: The whole affair reminds me of the time I tried to start my own sports commentary (18:51):
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Speaker0: league in 1982 Called it the Ryder-Boff Association of Professional Sportscasting (18:55):
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Speaker0: Had three members Myself, a retired ventriloquist And a man who could only commentate (19:00):
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Speaker0: while standing on his head, (19:04):
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Speaker0: Sadly it fell apart when we couldn't agree on whether Zoinks was an acceptable (19:06):
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Speaker0: exclamation during cricket matches, (19:09):
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Speaker0: This new NHL thing might just catch on, though. They're already talking about (19:14):
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Speaker0: adding more teams, possibly even one from Saskatchewan. (19:18):
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Speaker0: Although personally, I think that's just a made-up place like Narnia or Wales. (19:22):
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Speaker0: Time will tell if this breakaway league succeeds. But one thing's for certain, (19:26):
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Speaker0: Eddie Livingstone won't be invited to their Christmas party. (19:30):
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Speaker0: For the latest on Britain's roads, or what's left of them, Polly Beep joins (19:38):
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Speaker0: us with a tale of maritime mayhem, meeting motorway misery. (19:42):
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Speaker0: Good evening, road warriors. Breaking news from Kethole Reach near Sheerness, (19:50):
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Speaker0: where HMS Bulwark has just decided to redistribute itself across several postcodes. (19:54):
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Speaker0: If you're planning to use the A249 Sheppey crossing or the A250, (19:59):
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Speaker0: expect significant delays due to falling ship parts and startled seagulls making emergency landings. (20:04):
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Speaker0: The explosion has caused a rather inconvenient traffic build-up on the B2231 (20:13):
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Speaker0: into Sheerness, primarily due to concerned relatives, naval personnel and enthusiastic (20:18):
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Speaker0: collectors of unexpected ship memorabilia. (20:24):
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Speaker0: We're seeing tailbacks stretching as far as the A2 at Sittingbourne. (20:27):
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Speaker0: The medway ports are experiencing what we're calling a nautical navigation nightmare (20:33):
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Speaker0: with rescue vessels creating quite the maritime conga line if you're heading (20:38):
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Speaker0: anywhere near the thames estuary expect significant maritime congestion as boats (20:42):
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Speaker0: queue up like it's the january sails, (20:46):
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Speaker0: for those of you planning to use the a2 and 50 coastal route be advised that (20:51):
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Speaker0: visibility is somewhat compromised by floating cordite. (20:56):
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Speaker0: The local constabulary suggests taking the B2007 instead, unless you fancy your (20:59):
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Speaker0: car wearing bits of battleship as accessories. (21:05):
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Speaker0: And finally, if anyone spots a ship's compass somewhere between Sheerness and (21:12):
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Speaker0: Canterbury, do let us know. Back to you in the studio, Geoffrey. (21:16):
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Speaker0: A newsbang, where the headlines scream and the truth whispers loudly. (21:24):
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Speaker0: 43 BC This day in the year 43 BCE, Rome's political landscape was shattered (21:31):
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Speaker0: as the Second Triumvirate formed, (21:37):
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Speaker0: an alliance so precarious it made a three-legged stool look stable. (21:39):
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Speaker0: Mark Antony, Lepidus and Octavian seized absolute power, carving up territories (21:44):
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Speaker0: like a roast boar at a Roman feast. (21:49):
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Speaker0: Purges followed, opposition was crushed, and the Republic stumbled towards its demise. (21:52):
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Speaker0: Antony and Octavian's eventual fallout turned Rome's streets into a battlefield (21:58):
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Speaker0: and Octavian into Augustus, the Empire's first emperor. (22:03):
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Speaker0: A divine intervention or just politics at its most theatrical. (22:07):
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Speaker0: For more, Pastor Kevin Monstrance investigates. (22:11):
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Speaker0: Good evening, blessed viewers. Before I begin tonight's historical tale, (22:23):
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Speaker0: I must mention our dear producer Martin Bang is in quite a state. (22:26):
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Speaker0: Poor chap's been trying to recreate ancient Roman feasts in the staff canteen. (22:30):
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Speaker0: Last week he served dormice in honey to the cleaning lady. (22:35):
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Speaker0: She's still off sick, though whether from the dormice or the shock of being (22:39):
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Speaker0: force-fed them, we're not quite sure. (22:42):
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Speaker0: Speaking of peculiar trios, back in 43 BC, three rather ambitious fellows decided (22:46):
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Speaker0: to form what they called the Second Triumvirate. (22:52):
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Speaker0: Now, I'm reminded of a joke about three men who walked into a bar, (22:55):
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Speaker0: a general, a banker, and a politician. But we'll get to that in a moment. (22:58):
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Speaker0: You see, these three chaps, Mark Antony, Lepidus, and young Octavian, (23:06):
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Speaker0: were a bit like our production team here at Newsbang. (23:12):
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Speaker0: Mark Antony was like our Martin Bang, full of grand ideas and peculiar dietary requirements. (23:15):
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Speaker0: Lepidus was rather like our sound engineer, Keith. Nobody quite remembers what (23:22):
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Speaker0: he does, but we keep him around anyway. (23:25):
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Speaker0: And Octavian, well, he was like our intern, Timothy, young, ambitious, (23:27):
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Speaker0: and absolutely determined to take over everyone's job eventually. (23:32):
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Speaker0: Now about these three men who walked into a bar. (23:37):
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Speaker0: The general says, I'll have whatever the strongest drink is. (23:41):
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Speaker0: The banker says, I'll have whatever's most expensive. (23:45):
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Speaker0: And the politician says, I'll have whatever's most popular with the voters. (23:48):
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Speaker0: The bartender looks at them and says, ''Might I suggest the house special? (23:52):
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Speaker0: It's called Absolute Power. It corrupts absolutely.''. (23:57):
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Speaker0: But, back to our triumvirate, they divided up the Roman world between them, (24:03):
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Speaker0: much like how Martin divides up the office biscuit supply, unfairly and with (24:08):
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Speaker0: much subsequent grumbling. (24:13):
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Speaker0: Mark Antony got the East, Lepidus got Africa, poor chap. (24:14):
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Speaker0: And young Octavian got Italy and the West. (24:19):
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Speaker0: Rather like how Martin keeps the chocolate digestives, gives Keith the rich (24:23):
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Speaker0: tea, and leaves young Timothy with whatever crumbs are left. (24:27):
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Speaker0: The thing about these three Roman chaps is they weren't exactly the best of (24:33):
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Speaker0: friends Rather like last week when Martin tried to unite our production team (24:37):
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Speaker0: with a trust-building exercise He had us all dress up in togas and recreate (24:41):
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Speaker0: the assassination of Caesar, (24:45):
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Speaker0: Unfortunately, he forgot to mention it was just pretend And poor Timothy got (24:47):
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Speaker0: rather carried away with his plastic dagger, (24:51):
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Speaker0: Keith's still wearing the bandages But you know what they say about three being (24:53):
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Speaker0: a crowd especially when one's plotting against the other two, (24:58):
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Speaker0: one's completely useless, and one's off in Egypt chatting up the local queen. (25:01):
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Speaker0: Which brings me back to our three men in the bar. The bartender finally serves (25:05):
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Speaker0: them their drinks, but before they can enjoy them, they all start arguing about who should pay the bill. (25:10):
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Speaker0: The general threatens to call his army, the banker threatens to foreclose on (25:17):
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Speaker0: the bar, and the politician threatens to regulate alcohol out of existence. (25:21):
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Speaker0: In the end, they decide to split the bill three ways, just like our triumvirate (25:25):
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Speaker0: split the Roman world, and just like the triumvirate, it all ended in tears, (25:30):
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Speaker0: togas, and someone getting stabbed with a fork. (25:34):
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Speaker0: Though in our case, that was just Martin trying to eat his dormice. (25:36):
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Speaker0: The moral of the story? Never trust a man who serves you dormice, (25:43):
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Speaker0: never split an empire three ways, and never ever let Martin Bang organise the (25:46):
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Speaker0: office Christmas party. (25:50):
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Speaker0: Last year's toga-themed disaster is still under investigation by the Health and Safety Executive. (25:51):
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Speaker0: And finally, let's have a look at tomorrow's papers. (26:01):
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Speaker0: The Times lead with Lady Gaga Sings Way to Record Tour. (26:05):
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Speaker0: There's a picture there of a hat. (26:10):
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Speaker0: The Independent go with Chinese launch surprise attack on UN troops. (26:14):
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Speaker0: That's got a map of Korea. (26:19):
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Speaker0: The Mail opt for Johnson calls for unity in Congress speech. (26:22):
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Speaker0: There's a photo of him waving. The Express have Beekeeper Crisis in the Cotswolds. (26:28):
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Speaker0: That's on page three. (26:34):
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Speaker0: And the Mirror Go with Frog Hits Top Spot in Chart Frenzy. No idea what that's about. (26:37):
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Speaker0: That's it for tonight. Join us tomorrow when we'll be looking at more news. (26:44):
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Speaker0: Until then, good night and a firm handshake to you all. (26:49):
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Speaker0: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (26:54):
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Speaker0: News Bang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI all voices impersonated (26:58):
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Speaker0: nothing here is real goodnight. (27:05):
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