Zany Zucchini Zoot Suit

```json { "title": "Newsbang: From Digital Downloads to Diving Destroyers, and Eclectic Enumerations", "description": "In this captivating episode of Newsbang, we traverse the tumultuous tides of current events and historical happenings, ranging from the absurdity of music piracy wars ignited by the RIAA to a German U-boat mistaking an American warship for culinary prey. Engage in a whimsical ride filled with interviews, quirky reports, and the ever-present surreal wit of our correspondents, all designed to ensure you remain both informed and entertained amidst the chaos of our world.", "segments": [ { "title": "Rye AA Declares War on Digital Desperados", "description": "We kick off by illuminating the RIAA’s latest crusade against the innocent folk of Napster, whom they’ve accused of plundering music as if they were sea-faring pirates. With tales of teenage heartbreak as they mourn lost collections of Limp Bizkit and bewildered adults navigating the murky waters of digital rights, our correspondents delve into the ramifications of this unexpected corporate blitz. Are we witnessing a necessary preservation of the musical industry, or simply the shortsightedness of those unwilling to adapt?" }, { "title": "German U-Boat's Culinary Confusion on the High Seas", "description": "Next, we pivot to naval blunders, highlighting an astounding report from the Atlantic where a German U-boat captain mistook an American destroyer for an oversized fish. The hilarity ensues as we recount the surreal moments aboard the USS Jacob Jones - from frantic backstroke to unexpected acts of chivalry from the Titanic-torpedoing German crew. Witness the blend of historical absurdity and genuine bravery that followed the chaos in those icy waters." }, { "title": "Candid Convos with Cleethorpes' Oldest: Old Mother Fridge", "description": "Join us for an exclusive audience with Old Mother Fridge, Britain’s oldest pensioner, who claims to have lived for 113 years in a fridge in Cleethorpes. Prepare for whimsical anecdotes that blur the line between fact and folklore, as we discuss everything from her supposed long-life secrets to the inconvenient nature of refrigeration in sociable settings. A delightful journey into the absurdity of aging and refrigeration awaits!" }, { "title": "The Frosty Forecast: Weather Reports with a Twist", "description": "As winter marches forth, our resident meteorologist Shakanaka Giles transforms the standard forecast into a theatrical performance with humorous analogies that liken the bitterness of frost to the mishaps of life. Expect warnings of brass monkeys, hidden neighborly decorations, and a forecast thick enough to hide myriad sins of poor holiday decor choices. The lesson? Bundle up – the cold is knocking at your door!" }, { "title": "1910s Traffic Chaos: Italian Airshow Goes Awry", "description": "In a report from the annals of educational disruption, witness Polly Beep unravel the chaotic scene in Bologna where a jet unexpectedly plays educator by making an unscheduled landing at a local school. This absurd mishap draws both laughter and concern as traffic chaos ensues and parents lunge for their children amidst this aerial anomaly." }, { "title": "A Historical Bottle of Whine: A Majestic Papal Scandal", "description": "Our history segment reveals a scandalous moment from 963 AD when Pope John XII faced a dramatic deposition led by Holy Roman Emperor Otto I. Pastor Kevin Monstrance takes listeners through a medieval soap opera replete with accusations of debauchery and perhaps an incident involving a goat that left audiences gasping in disbelief. This juicy tidbit reminds us that the antics of authority figures have long been amusingly debased throughout history." }, { "title": "A Review of Missed Expectations: from 'Flopnik' to Future Innovations", "description": "We close the

Episode Transcript

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Speaker0: Tonight's headlines and we're talking proudly. Rye AA declares war on pirate Napster kiddies. (00:08):
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Speaker0: German U-boat makes US ship go glug glug. (00:17):
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Speaker0: And Britain trains sneaky beavers in Canada. (00:22):
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Speaker0: And later we'll have an exclusive interview with Britain's oldest pensioner, (00:28):
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Speaker0: Old Mother Fridge, who claims she has lived for 113 years in a fridge in Cleethorpes. (00:33):
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Speaker0: Those are the headlines. Squirt some oink into your week. (00:42):
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Speaker0: Newsbang. Delivering the dose of reality to remedy deception. (00:50):
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Speaker0: Adersisted in the storm. 1999. In a shocking display of corporate violence today, (00:57):
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Speaker0: the Recording Industry Association of America launched a brutal assault on teenage (01:04):
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Speaker0: bedroom dwellers everywhere. (01:09):
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Speaker0: The attack, which specifically targeted small computer programs living peacefully (01:10):
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Speaker0: in millions of homes, has been described by witnesses as totally harsh and, (01:15):
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Speaker0: like, totally unfair, man. (01:20):
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Speaker0: The RIAA, wielding what experts describe as really expensive lawyers, (01:23):
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Speaker0: descended upon Napster headquarters with the fury of a thousand ageing rock (01:29):
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Speaker0: stars who needed new swimming pools. (01:33):
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Speaker0: Sources say the attack was precipitated by teenagers acquiring music without (01:36):
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Speaker0: first selling their organs to pay for it. (01:41):
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Speaker0: Local witness Tommy Download Johnson, aged 15, described the horror. (01:44):
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Speaker0: They came at night, man, deleted my whole Limp Bizkit collection. (01:49):
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Speaker0: My mum found me crying in the garage. (01:53):
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Speaker0: The music industry claims losses in the billions, though critics point out this (01:56):
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Speaker0: figure assumes everyone who downloaded Who Let the Dogs Out would have actually paid money for it. (02:01):
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Speaker0: The case continues to send shockwaves through the industry, with record executives (02:07):
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Speaker0: now forced to downgrade from gold-plated toilets to merely silver-plated ones. 17. (02:12):
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Speaker0: Tragic scenes in the Atlantic today as German U-boat captain Heinrich von Schnitzelbaum (02:20):
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Speaker0: apologised for sinking the American destroyer USS Jacob Jones, (02:25):
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Speaker0: claiming he thought it was a very large fish. (02:30):
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Speaker0: The submarine commander, known for his poor eyesight and worse judgement, (02:33):
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Speaker0: fired a torpedo at what he described as, the biggest mackerel I have ever seen. (02:37):
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Speaker0: Surviving crew member Billy Wetpants Johnson described the chaos. (02:43):
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Speaker0: One minute we're sailing along, discussing whether mermaids wear underwear, next thing boom. (02:48):
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Speaker0: Eight minutes later I'm doggy paddling next to the ship's cat, (02:54):
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Speaker0: who was not happy about the situation. (02:58):
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Speaker0: The German submarine crew, showing unexpected courtesy, offered the drowning (03:00):
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Speaker0: Americans bratwurst and beer before remembering they were supposed to be at war. (03:05):
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Speaker0: Captain von Schnitzelbaum later sent a formal note of apology, (03:09):
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Speaker0: reading, Sorry about Z-boat. (03:13):
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Speaker0: Next time, we will aim for something less expensive. (03:16):
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Speaker0: The U.S. Navy has responded by implementing new safety measures, (03:20):
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Speaker0: including painting Not A Fish in large letters on all destroyer hulls. (03:25):
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Speaker0: News Bang! A sledgehammer of sense in the cluttered toolbox of cognition. (03:32):
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Speaker0: Now, the weather. Shakanaka Giles is standing by to deliver his unique brand (03:39):
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Speaker0: of meteorological misery and festive frost warnings. (03:44):
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Speaker0: Over to you, Shakanaka. Transcription by ESO. (03:47):
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Speaker0: Translation by — across the southeast tomorrow expect a proper winter wallop (03:59):
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Speaker0: with temperatures dropping faster than granny's dentures in ice water around (04:04):
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Speaker0: minus two which is about as welcoming as a penguin's bottom. (04:10):
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Speaker0: Midlands looking particularly festive. Snow flurries thick enough to hide your (04:18):
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Speaker0: neighbour's ugly Christmas decorations. (04:24):
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Speaker0: Pack your woolies and perhaps a spare carrot for any ambitious snowmen. (04:27):
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Speaker0: Up north it's turning into a proper ice rink, the kind of cold that makes brass (04:35):
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Speaker0: monkeys apply for indoor jobs. (04:41):
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Speaker0: Expect frost thick enough to write your Christmas list in. (04:44):
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Speaker0: Scotland. Well, they're getting the full arctic treatment. (04:49):
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Speaker0: Temperatures plummeting to minus five, which is colder than Santa's freezer. (04:53):
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Speaker0: In summary then, brass monkeys, penguin bottoms and hidden decorations. (05:01):
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Speaker0: And that's all the weather. (05:07):
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Speaker0: A century ago today, the USS Jacob Jones met a watery fate, becoming the first (05:20):
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Speaker0: American destroyer sunk by enemy action in World War I. (05:26):
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Speaker0: Torpedoed by the German submarine SMU-53, it sank within eight minutes, (05:31):
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Speaker0: claiming 64 lives and leaving the US Navy scrambling for better anti-submarine tactics. (05:36):
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Speaker0: The tragedy exposed the fragility of naval defenses and spurred technological (05:42):
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Speaker0: advancements in sonar, depth charges and convoy strategies. (05:47):
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Speaker0: Now, to dive deeper into this tale of torpedoes and turmoil, (05:51):
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Speaker0: we turn to Brian Bastable, our war correspondent, reporting from history's murky depths. (05:55):
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Speaker0: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the North Atlantic, where I've just witnessed (06:02):
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Speaker0: the most extraordinary scene of naval warfare since Nelson lost his other eye. (06:07):
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Speaker0: The USS Jacob Jones, pride of the American fleet has just taken a direct hit from German U-Boat 53. (06:12):
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Speaker0: I'm bobbing here in the freezing waters, watching sailors leap from the rapidly (06:20):
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Speaker0: sinking vessel like well-dressed lemmings into a Christmas punch bowl. (06:24):
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Speaker0: The destroyer's going down faster than Kate 80's opinion of me. (06:30):
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Speaker0: Eight minutes, they're saying. (06:35):
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Speaker0: Eight minutes from torpedo to total submersion. The sea around me is absolutely (06:37):
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Speaker0: crowded with drowning men, several of whom are still filling in their incident reports. (06:43):
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Speaker0: That was the boiler going, spectacular. Three men just flew past my head holding a tea service. (06:50):
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Speaker0: The Germans, I must say, are being unusually sporting about the whole thing. (06:57):
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Speaker0: The U-boat commanders actually surfaced to help rescue survivors. (07:02):
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Speaker0: Though I do wish he'd stop asking me to rate his torpedo accuracy out of 10. and. (07:07):
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Speaker0: The water here is minus two degrees Celsius. My legs have gone completely numb, (07:16):
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Speaker0: which is fortunate as I appear to have lost them both to hypothermia, but the story must go on. (07:21):
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Speaker0: I'm now watching the stern rise majestically into the air, like a theatrical (07:27):
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Speaker0: curtain call, taking its final bow before the audience of war. (07:32):
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Speaker0: This is truly a historic moment, marking the first time an American destroyer (07:38):
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Speaker0: has been gurgling sounds. (07:43):
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Speaker0: He, excuse me, swallowed a bit of the Atlantic there, has been sunk by enemy action. (07:46):
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Speaker0: Brian Bastable, newsbang, somewhere in the North Atlantic, rapidly turning into a human icicle. (07:53):
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Speaker0: 1989. In 1989, a tragedy unfolded at École Polytechnique in Montreal, (08:00):
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Speaker0: as Mark Lapine carried out a heinous act of violence, killing 14 women in what (08:06):
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Speaker0: he claimed was a fight against feminism. (08:12):
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Speaker0: This devastating event became a grim marker in history, prompting sweeping reforms (08:14):
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Speaker0: like Canada's Firearms Act in 1995, and igniting conversations about systemic (08:20):
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Speaker0: misogyny and gender equality. (08:26):
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Speaker0: Survivors turned advocates, institutions bolstered security, (08:29):
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Speaker0: and December 6th now stands as a solemn day of remembrance and action. (08:33):
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Speaker0: To delve deeper into this dark chapter and its aftermath, we turn to our crime (08:39):
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Speaker0: correspondent, Ken Schitt. (08:45):
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Speaker0: Montreal, 1989. 14 women, 14, murdered because they dared to be smarter than (08:49):
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Speaker0: some pathetic waste of chromosomes named Marc Lapine. (08:55):
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Speaker0: The École Polytechnique halls still reek of gunpowder and toxic masculinity. (08:59):
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Speaker0: This weapons-grade coward, and I use the term weapons-grade with precise fucking (09:06):
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Speaker0: accuracy, separated the men from the women before unleashing his small-man syndrome (09:12):
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Speaker0: on the world. Called it fighting feminism. (09:16):
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Speaker0: Fighting feminism? By shooting unarmed students? (09:19):
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Speaker0: That's not fighting. That's terrorism by a man who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag. (09:23):
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Speaker0: These women were future engineers, pioneers, leaders, until this absolute specimen (09:29):
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Speaker0: of failed evolution decided their dreams weren't as important as his hurt feelings. (09:35):
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Speaker0: And when he'd finished his rampage, topped himself. (09:40):
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Speaker0: Couldn't even face the consequences of his own fucking actions. (09:43):
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Speaker0: Here's the real kick in the teeth. This wasn't some isolated incident by one (09:47):
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Speaker0: mental case. This was the logical endpoint of a society that treats women like (09:52):
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Speaker0: second-class citizens. (09:57):
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Speaker0: Every dickhead who's ever made a joke about women drivers or women engineers, (09:58):
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Speaker0: you're pissing on 14 graves. (10:04):
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Speaker0: Kenshit, reporting from ground zero of humanity's failure. And if you're about (10:08):
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Speaker0: to say not all men, save it. (10:12):
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Speaker0: The ghosts in these halls have heard enough excuses. (10:15):
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Speaker0: Day to he, 1988. (10:19):
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Speaker0: A landmark day in 1988 saw the Australian Capital Territory granted self-government, (10:23):
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Speaker0: a move that stirred both hope and hesitation. (10:28):
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Speaker0: Critics feared a political tilt, while the federal government clung tightly (10:32):
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Speaker0: to key powers like land and security. (10:36):
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Speaker0: The first election in 1989 brought proportional representation and widespread voter bewilderment. (10:38):
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Speaker0: Yet amidst bureaucratic grumbles, the public largely embraced this bold new era. (10:45):
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Speaker0: Joining us now to dig deeper into the story is our correspondent, Hardeman Pesto. (10:50):
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Speaker0: I'm here with Dr. Marispan Wobblecock of the Australian Institute of Administrative (10:57):
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Speaker0: Affairs and we're watching history unfold as Canberra finally gets to run its (11:01):
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Speaker0: own bathwater, so to speak. (11:06):
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Speaker0: Pesto, can you clarify the exact constitutional arrangements being put in place? (11:08):
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Speaker0: Well, Martin, it's quite simple, really. (11:13):
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Speaker0: Canberra is getting what we might call a sort of political training wheel situation. (11:15):
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Speaker0: That's not entirely accurate. the territory is receiving full legislative powers (11:20):
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Speaker0: within clearly defined parameters. (11:26):
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Speaker0: Yes, exactly what I said, like taking the stabilizers off your first bike, (11:29):
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Speaker0: but keeping the helmet on. (11:34):
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Speaker0: Pesto, could we stick to the constitutional facts rather than bicycle metaphors? Of course, Martin. (11:36):
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Speaker0: Dr. Wobblecock, would you say this is more like getting your first set of house (11:42):
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Speaker0: keys, but Dad still pays the mortgage? (11:46):
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Speaker0: No, I wouldn't. This is a carefully structured transfer of legislative and executive powers. (11:49):
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Speaker0: Pesto, what specific powers are being retained by the federal government? (11:55):
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Speaker0: Well, Martin, they're keeping the big red button that makes all the important (12:00):
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Speaker0: things happen. There is no button. (12:04):
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Speaker0: The federal government maintains authority over national security, (12:07):
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Speaker0: certain planning decisions. (12:10):
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Speaker0: Yes, the button, and they're keeping the special hat. What special hat? (12:12):
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Speaker0: Mr Pesto, I really must object to this characterisation. (12:16):
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Speaker0: So what you're telling me is that you have no idea what powers are being transferred? (12:21):
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Speaker0: I have a very clear idea, Martin. It's like when you let your teenager use the (12:25):
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Speaker0: car, but keep the insurance in your name. (12:30):
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Speaker0: That's Hardiman Pesto, speaking to us from 1988, still working on his metaphors. (12:34):
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Speaker0: In a fiery display of ambition-meeting reality, December 6, 1957, (12:42):
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Speaker0: marked a day the U.S. would rather forget. (12:48):
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Speaker0: The Vanguard TV3 satellite, America's hopeful answer to the Soviet Union's Sputnik, (12:51):
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Speaker0: exploded spectacularly on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral. (12:57):
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Speaker0: Dubbed Flopnik, by an amused international audience, the incident highlighted (13:02):
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Speaker0: a rushed effort plagued by technical hiccups and fuel tantrums. (13:07):
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Speaker0: For more on this historic mishap, we turn to Melody Wintergreen in America. (13:11):
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Speaker0: Cape Canaveral, Florida, 1957. Melody Wintergreen here, where the air is thick (13:20):
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Speaker0: with smoke, disappointment, and the faint smell of burnt toast. (13:26):
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Speaker0: Today, America's attempt to launch a satellite went about as well as a lead balloon. (13:30):
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Speaker0: The Vanguard TV3, America's answer to Sputnik, was supposed to soar majestically (13:38):
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Speaker0: into orbit, a shining symbol of American ingenuity. (13:44):
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Speaker0: Instead, it became a fiery spectacle of failure, exploding on the launch pad (13:48):
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Speaker0: in a display that was more kaboom than cosmos. (13:53):
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Speaker0: Eyewitnesses described it as a magnificent fireball. (14:02):
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Speaker0: Buzz Aldrin, bless his future moonwalking heart, likened it to a phoenix rising (14:06):
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Speaker0: from the ashes, if the phoenix was made of dynamite. (14:12):
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Speaker0: The cause of this disaster? A combination of technical glitches, (14:15):
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Speaker0: a rushed schedule, and perhaps a touch of overconfidence. (14:19):
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Speaker0: It seems that in the race to space, America tripped over its own launch pad. (14:22):
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Speaker0: The fallout has been epic The Soviets are laughing The American public is mortified (14:31):
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Speaker0: And the scientists are scrambling for excuses One disgruntled engineer was heard (14:37):
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Speaker0: muttering We should have strapped the satellite to a pigeon. (14:41):
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Speaker0: But amidst the wreckage and recriminations There's a flicker of hope The Army's (14:49):
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Speaker0: Explorer program is waiting in the wings ready to pick up the pieces and restore American pride. (14:55):
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Speaker0: This may be a setback, a stumble, a spectacular oops, but it's not the end. (15:00):
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Speaker0: This is Melody Wintergreen, Newsbang News, from Cape Canaveral, (15:10):
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Speaker0: where the dreams of space travel may have gone up in smoke today, (15:15):
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Speaker0: but the spirit of innovation is still burning bright. (15:18):
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Speaker0: In the news bang the throaty vomitorium of factual mastication and informational (15:24):
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Speaker0: digestion 1956 ryder boff our sporting sage with a penchant for unearthing the (15:31):
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Speaker0: drama lurking beneath the scoreboard is here to recount the chaos of melbourne 1956. (15:38):
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Speaker0: Melbourne, 1956. Synchronized drowning meets street fighting. (15:49):
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Speaker0: The Hungarian water polo team, led by Irvin, the Budapest Barracuda, (15:54):
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Speaker0: Zador, faced the Soviet red tide in an Olympic semifinal that ended up looking (15:58):
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Speaker0: like feeding time at the Piranha Pool. (16:02):
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Speaker0: The Hungarians are playing like men possessed. They're splashing about like angry hippos. (16:08):
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Speaker0: Zador's got a look that could curdle milk. The Soviets look nervous. (16:13):
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Speaker0: I wouldn't be surprised if they wished they'd stuck to synchronised swimming. (16:16):
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Speaker0: All smiles and sequins, not flying elbows and submerged headlocks. (16:20):
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Speaker0: Tensions were higher than a giraffe's breakfast. News of Soviet tanks back home (16:31):
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Speaker0: had the Hungarians playing with the fury of a lunchtime thief discovered. (16:35):
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Speaker0: Zardo's swimming like a man possessed. He's thinking about his aunt's petunias (16:42):
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Speaker0: being trampled by Soviet boots. (16:48):
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Speaker0: Nobody cares about the ball. They're trying to drown each other. (16:51):
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Speaker0: It's water-based vengeance. (16:54):
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Speaker0: Oh, Valentin the vulgar vulture Prokopov just threw an underwater right hook. (16:56):
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Speaker0: I've seen fouls, dirty tricks, but never an underwater punch-up. (17:01):
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Speaker0: 4-0 to Hungary, but the real score? Black eyes and bloody noses. (17:08):
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Speaker0: Zaydor emerged looking like he'd tangled with a brass-knuckled shark. (17:12):
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Speaker0: The crowd went wild, not the good kind of bananas, the green ones that cause stomach cramps. (17:14):
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Speaker0: Reminds me of my water polo days. The only blood came from swallowing my dental bridge. (17:22):
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Speaker0: Never did find it. Probably still at the bottom of the pool, smiling up at swimmers. (17:26):
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Speaker0: Several Hungarians mysteriously vanished into the outback, dodging the music (17:34):
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Speaker0: back home. Though frankly, I'd take Soviet tanks over Australian wildlife. (17:38):
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Speaker0: Those spiders make the Cold War look cozy. (17:42):
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Speaker0: Next, a voice as gentle as a spring breeze, yet sharp as a freshly recycled tin can. (17:49):
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Speaker0: Penelope Windchime brings us her environmental update, blending history and (17:55):
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Speaker0: heartbreak with a touch of meadow vole trivia. (18:00):
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Speaker0: Environmental update with me, Penelope Windchime. On this day in 1907, (18:04):
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Speaker0: Mother Earth herself wept tears of coal dust when humanity's greed resulted (18:11):
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Speaker0: in the tragic Monongar mining disaster. (18:15):
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Speaker0: Two connected minds joined like loving earthworm tunnels beneath the soil erupted (18:17):
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Speaker0: in a devastating display of nature's fury. (18:23):
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Speaker0: The mines, numbers 6 and 8, which coincidentally are the same numbers worn by (18:32):
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Speaker0: my favourite endangered meadow voles, became deadly chambers when someone allegedly (18:37):
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Speaker0: lit a match to admire a particularly shiny piece of coal. (18:42):
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Speaker0: The official death toll was 362 souls, though countless unregistered miners, (18:50):
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Speaker0: many of whom were actually badges in disguise seeking employment, also perished. (18:56):
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Speaker0: The ventilation system, which consisted primarily of miners taking turns to (19:01):
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Speaker0: blow really hard, proved woefully inadequate. The ventilation system, (19:07):
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Speaker0: which consisted primarily of miners taking turns to blow really hard, (19:11):
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Speaker0: proved woefully inadequate. (19:11):
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Speaker0: This catastrophic event led to the creation of the United States Bureau of Mines, (19:16):
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Speaker0: which immediately implemented revolutionary safety measures such as requiring (19:21):
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Speaker0: miners to wear hats made of recycled newspaper and carry at least one trained canary in each pocket. (19:26):
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Speaker0: I'm Penelope Winchheim, and remember, if you must dig holes in Mother Earth, (19:37):
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Speaker0: at least whisper sweet nothings to her while you do it. (19:42):
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Speaker0: Joining us now, our indefatigable traffic guru, Polly Beep, who's been following (19:45):
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Speaker0: the chaos caused by an impromptu Italian air show meets school assembly. Polly? (19:50):
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Speaker0: Good evening, road warriors. Breaking news from Bologna, where an Italian Air (19:58):
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Speaker0: Force jet has decided to make an unscheduled landing at a local comprehensive. (20:03):
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Speaker0: If you're anywhere near the A14 Autostrada, expect significant delays as emergency (20:07):
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Speaker0: services respond to what we're calling the great educational disruption of 1919. (20:12):
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Speaker0: The pilot, having opted for an impromptu skydiving lesson, has left his aircraft (20:21):
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Speaker0: to pursue alternative parking arrangements. (20:26):
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Speaker0: Meanwhile, on the nearby SS64, traffic is building up as curious onlookers attempt (20:31):
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Speaker0: to witness what appears to be the world's most dramatic school bell replacement. (20:37):
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Speaker0: Emergency services are advising motorists to avoid the area, (20:41):
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Speaker0: unless they fancy a front row seat to this rather explosive interpretation of drop-off zone. (20:45):
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Speaker0: In related news the a1 autostrada is experiencing (20:54):
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Speaker0: heavy congestion due to an unprecedented migration of (20:57):
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Speaker0: fire engines ambulances and what appears to (21:00):
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Speaker0: be every concerned parent within a 50 mile radius local authorities are implementing (21:03):
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Speaker0: a one-way system though i must say it's more of a anyway you can system at present (21:08):
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Speaker0: back to you in the studio martin where i believe the air conditioning is working (21:12):
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Speaker0: perfectly fine, unlike in Bologna. (21:19):
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Speaker0: This has been Polly Beep, reminding you to keep your eyes on the road and your (21:21):
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Speaker0: aircraft away from educational establishments. (21:25):
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Speaker0: 1967. Now, science and the curious intersection of British ingenuity and tiny hearts. (21:32):
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Speaker0: Our resident expert in all things experimental, Calamity Prenderville, has more. (21:38):
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Speaker0: Good evening, science watchers. On this day, in 1967, British-trained Dr Adrian (21:54):
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Speaker0: Kantrowitz performed the world's first baby heart transplant using technology (21:59):
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Speaker0: developed in Clacton-on-Sea. (22:04):
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Speaker0: The procedure, inspired by watching his wife adjust the azimuth on their BBC (22:06):
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Speaker0: Micro's dataset recorder, involved a tiny ticker with an even tinier one. (22:10):
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Speaker0: The breakthrough came when Dr Kantrowitz realised that baby hearts were similar (22:19):
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Speaker0: in size to the miniature calculators being produced by Sinclair Research. (22:24):
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Speaker0: Using techniques pioneered by British hospitals, specifically the cut-and-shut (22:28):
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Speaker0: method popular in Essex garages, the team successfully installed the new heart. (22:33):
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Speaker0: The operation used revolutionary British equipment, (22:40):
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Speaker0: including a microscope originally designed for examining damaged space invaders (22:43):
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Speaker0: arcade boards and surgical tools adapted from airfix model kits the procedure (22:47):
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Speaker0: was controlled by a modified zx81 computer which monitored vital signs and played (22:52):
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Speaker0: nelly the elephant to keep the surgical team's spirits up. (22:58):
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Speaker0: While the operation was technically successful lasting six (23:04):
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Speaker0: hours approximately the same time it takes to load a (23:07):
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Speaker0: game on a commodore 64 it paved the way for (23:10):
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Speaker0: future developments today's pediatric heart transplants use (23:12):
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Speaker0: technology derived from that first procedure though thankfully we've moved on (23:16):
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Speaker0: from using sellotape and rubber bands to hold everything in place this is calamity (23:21):
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Speaker0: prenderville reminding you that british innovation beats in the heart of medical (23:28):
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Speaker0: science back to the studio. (23:32):
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Speaker0: Udru News Bang, the chariot of truth pulled by horses of factuality, driven by an Azai. (23:39):
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Speaker0: And now, back to 1999 a year when the music stopped, legally at least. (23:47):
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Speaker0: The RIAA declared war on Napster, accusing it of turning the internet into a (23:52):
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Speaker0: lawless land of pirated tunes and questionable playlists. (23:57):
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Speaker0: Billions in music sales were allegedly lost, and the lawsuit crescendoed into (24:01):
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Speaker0: a symphony of legal precedence. (24:05):
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Speaker0: Napster's eventual shutdown in 2001 became the sour note that changed music distribution forever. (24:08):
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Speaker0: For more on this clash between melody and litigation, here's Perkins Stornoway. (24:15):
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Speaker0: Good evening. Dogger, moderate becoming litigious. (24:23):
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Speaker0: Looking back 25 years to Black Napster Monday. (24:27):
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Speaker0: Viking, occasionally illegal The Recording Industry Association sued a cat logo (24:30):
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Speaker0: website for letting teenagers steal music through pipes Forties, downloading westerly, (24:37):
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Speaker0: Share prices in the music-stealing sector plummeted Lundy, (24:43):
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Speaker0: fair but prosecutable Teenage bedroom traders reported losses of up to 47 million (24:48):
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Speaker0: downloaded Britney Spears German Byte, (24:54):
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Speaker0: moderate becoming poor the newly formed Digital Piracy Index dropped faster (24:57):
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Speaker0: than a modem connection. (25:03):
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Speaker0: Rockall, occasionally criminal. Lars Ulrich of Metallica reported his diamond-encrusted (25:06):
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Speaker0: helicopter could only hold 12 passengers instead of 14. (25:13):
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Speaker0: Thames, fair to middling. The newly formed Department of Musical Mathematics (25:17):
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Speaker0: calculated losses at 7.2 billion imaginary pounds. (25:22):
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Speaker0: Fastnet, severe gale force litigation. (25:29):
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Speaker0: Humber, moderate or good Napster's shares, trading at 4.2 million per illegal (25:34):
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Speaker0: MP3 Dropped to minus 7 by close of trading Bailey, (25:40):
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Speaker0: becoming rough The pound weakened against both Kazar and LimeWire Shannon, prosecution imminent, (25:45):
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Speaker0: And finally, (25:53):
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Speaker0: Dover Slight to moderate Teenage bedroom downloading down 112% Soul, Fair, Becoming Sued. (25:55):
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Speaker0: That's the business. 1933 And now to the year 1933, when the United States Judiciary (26:06):
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Speaker0: decided that James Joyce's Ulysses was not, in fact, a literary smut fest, (26:14):
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Speaker0: but a work of artistic merit. (26:19):
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Speaker0: Judge Woolsey's landmark ruling not only (26:22):
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Speaker0: allowed the controversial novel into the hands of American readers (26:25):
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Speaker0: but also introduced the now famous Woolsey test (26:28):
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Speaker0: for obscenity a test that asks is this (26:31):
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Speaker0: filth or just misunderstood brilliance it was a victory for free speech a defeat (26:35):
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Speaker0: for censorship and possibly a headache for book clubs everywhere for more we (26:40):
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Speaker0: turn to our culture correspondent smithsonia moss now at this point of the evening (26:46):
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Speaker0: we welcome listeners on fm who've just joined us. (26:51):
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Speaker0: Waho, bookworms and brainiacs. Smithsonian Moss here, your literary Lothario, (27:01):
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Speaker0: and Honey, Let Me Tell You. (27:07):
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Speaker0: 1933 was a year that made literary history. (27:10):
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Speaker0: We're talking about the case of Ulysses, that scandalous novel by James Joyce (27:14):
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Speaker0: that had everyone clutching their pearls and whispering about obscenity. (27:19):
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Speaker0: This book, Honey, was the literary equivalent of a Molotov cocktail, (27:23):
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Speaker0: and it was about to explode onto the American literary scene. (27:26):
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Speaker0: Now ulysses wasn't just a novel it was (27:32):
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Speaker0: a literary revolution a stream of (27:35):
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Speaker0: consciousness masterpiece that dove headfirst into the minds of its characters (27:38):
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Speaker0: and emerged with a story that was as brilliant as it was baffling it was the (27:42):
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Speaker0: kind of book that made you question everything you thought you knew about literature (27:47):
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Speaker0: about life and about the human condition it was deep it was complex, (27:51):
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Speaker0: and it was definitely not for the faint of heart. (27:58):
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Speaker0: But honey, it was also considered obscene. (28:01):
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Speaker0: I mean, we're talking about a book that detailed bodily functions, (28:05):
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Speaker0: explored sexual desires, and basically threw all notions of literary decorum out the window. (28:10):
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Speaker0: The U.S. government tried to ban it, claiming it was nothing more than a smutfest, (28:16):
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Speaker0: a literary disgrace that would corrupt the minds of America's youth. (28:21):
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Speaker0: But then, like a knight in shining armor, or maybe a judge in a really cool (28:27):
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Speaker0: robe, John M. Woolsey stepped onto the scene. (28:31):
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Speaker0: This brave jurist, this literary liberator, declared that Ulysses was not obscene, (28:35):
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Speaker0: but a work of artistic merit. (28:42):
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Speaker0: He basically said, Honey, this isn't filth. It's art. (28:44):
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Speaker0: And with that single ruling, he changed the course of literary history. (28:50):
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Speaker0: The Woolsey Decision was a victory for free speech, a triumph for artistic expression, (28:55):
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Speaker0: and a giant leap forward for literature as a whole. (29:01):
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Speaker0: It paved the way for countless other controversial works, and it helped to establish (29:04):
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Speaker0: the idea that literature can be both beautiful and challenging, (29:09):
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Speaker0: both thought-provoking and, well, a little bit dirty. (29:13):
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Speaker0: So, there you have it, folks. The story of Ulysses. (29:18):
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Speaker0: A book that wasn't just a novel, but a cultural landmark, a literary legend, (29:23):
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Speaker0: and a reminder that sometimes, the most scandalous stories are the ones that (29:28):
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Speaker0: need to be told the most. Wah-ho! (29:33):
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Speaker0: Odus News Bang Shedding light on the dark corners of truth With humour as our (29:40):
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Speaker0: lantern Mildane Stidusen and Stin 960 This day, in the year 963, (29:46):
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Speaker0: a seismic shift in ecclesiastical history unfolded as Pope John XII found himself (29:54):
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Speaker0: deposed by the Holy Roman Emperor Otto I. (29:59):
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Speaker0: Accusations of debauchery, corruption, and perhaps most shockingly, (30:03):
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Speaker0: an incident involving a goat and a bottle of sacramental wine rocked the papacy to its very core. (30:07):
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Speaker0: Some call it divine justice. Others, a medieval soap opera gone too far. (30:14):
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Speaker0: To delve deeper into this holy hullabaloo, we turn to our religious correspondent, (30:20):
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Speaker0: Pastor Kevin Monstrance. (30:25):
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Speaker0: Good evening, and thank you, Martin, though I must say he's in quite a state tonight. (30:35):
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Speaker0: Found him earlier in the green room, trying to baptise the coffee machine. (30:40):
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Speaker0: Said something about saving its soul from instant damnation. (30:44):
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Speaker0: But that reminds me of a rather curious tale, about power and ambition. (30:48):
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Speaker0: You see, there once was this fellow who desperately wanted to be Pope. (30:57):
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Speaker0: Now, becoming Pope isn't like becoming a bus conductor. you can't just show (31:01):
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Speaker0: up with a ticket machine and a cheery disposition. (31:05):
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Speaker0: But this chap, Leo VIII, he had connections in high places. (31:08):
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Speaker0: Specifically, he had Otto the Great backing him. And when you've got someone (31:14):
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Speaker0: called the Great in your corner, you're probably on to something. (31:18):
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Speaker0: Speaking of greatness, our producer Martin once tried to convince us he was (31:24):
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Speaker0: Martin the marginally above average, but it didn't quite catch on, (31:27):
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Speaker0: especially after that incident with the studio cat and the holy water. (31:31):
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Speaker0: Poor thing still walking around blessing mice. (31:35):
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Speaker0: But back to Leo VIII. He wasn't actually meant to be pope, you see. (31:40):
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Speaker0: He was what they called an anti-pope, sort of like an understudy who pushes (31:43):
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Speaker0: the lead actor down the stairs and takes over. (31:47):
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Speaker0: The real pope wasn't too pleased about this, as you might imagine. (31:50):
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Speaker0: But you know what they say. Pride comes before a fall, and in Leo VIII's case, (31:55):
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Speaker0: it came with a side order of excommunication. (32:01):
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Speaker0: Though I suppose being an antipope is better than being an uncle pope, (32:03):
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Speaker0: those family reunions must be awkward. (32:07):
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Speaker0: And speaking of awkward, that reminds me of the time Martin tried to convince (32:11):
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Speaker0: the bishop that interpretive dance was an acceptable alternative to kneeling. (32:16):
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Speaker0: The bishop wasn't impressed, though I must say Martin's impression of the crucifixion (32:21):
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Speaker0: to the tune of Dancing Queen was quite something. (32:26):
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Speaker0: But I see Martin frantically waving his arms. Either he's trying to tell me (32:32):
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Speaker0: my time's up, or he's practising for next Sunday's liturgical dance recital. (32:36):
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Speaker0: Either way, I'd better wrap this up before he starts speaking in tongues again. Good night. (32:40):
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Speaker0: A Glance at Tomorrow's Papers. The Telegraph. British Canoes Attack French Frigate. (32:50):
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Speaker0: The Times. Sunshine Batsman Smashes Records. (32:58):
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Speaker0: The Mail. Armenian Apocalypse. Town Obliterated. (33:03):
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Speaker0: The Sport. Cheeky Peacock Expires. Plus Wobbly Surgery Shocker. (33:09):
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Speaker0: The Scottish Island News. Dead Penguin Scare in Chemist? (33:16):
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Speaker0: That's all. Join us tomorrow for the final Newsbang bulletin before the team, (33:22):
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Speaker0: and I take a well-earned break. (33:28):
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Speaker0: So apparently, it's goodnight. (33:30):
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Speaker0: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. (33:33):
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Speaker0: Newsbang is a comedy show, written and recorded by AI. (33:37):
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Speaker0: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. Goodnight. (33:42):
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