September 25, 2025 • 29 mins
In this compassionate episode of Peace of Mind for Pet Parents, hosts Gail Pope and Karen Wylie explore BrightHaven's sacred three-day honoring process—a Buddhist-inspired tradition that creates meaningful space for both pets and families during the dying process and after death.
Gail shares the origins of this beautiful practice, which began when educator Ella Bittel introduced her to the concept that the soul needs time to leave the body after death. Drawing from Tibetan Buddhist philosophy and scientific research by Konstantin Korotkov, this process recognizes death as a transition rather than an ending.
You'll learn how to create personalized honoring spaces using meaningful items, flowers, and mementos that reflect your pet's unique personality. Karen and Gail discuss practical considerations for pet parents interested in this approach, including preparation steps, the difference between sudden and anticipated deaths, and how other pets in the household often participate in the grieving process.
This episode also explores the broader concept of the Bardos—the 49-day period described in Tibetan Buddhism during which consciousness transitions after death—and how elements of this tradition can support both pet and caregiver healing.
Whether your pet has already passed, is facing a terminal diagnosis, or you're simply planning ahead, this episode offers gentle wisdom about honoring the sacred bond between humans and animals through life's most difficult transitions.
🐾Remember: You're not alone in your journey.💜
📌 Related Resource:
- Blog Post: When the House Goes Quiet: Coping With the Loss of Your Only Pet
-
BrightHaven Overview of the 3-Day Honoring Process - https://www.brighthaven.org/animal-hospice/after-the-passing/
-
Konstantin Korotkov's Research - "Light After Life" - his primary book on consciousness research now
🌹 Join our monthly Rose Ceremony (free online pet celebration): https://brightpathforpets.com/rose-ceremony/
💬 If this episode touched your heart, you’re not alone. The BrightHaven Caregivers’ Hub is our supportive membership community for pet parents navigating caregiving, anticipatory grief, and all the moments in between.
We gather to share stories, ask questions, and care for each other as we care for our animals. If you’re walking this path, we’d be honored to walk it with you.
🔗 Learn more about the Hub: https://brightpathforpets.com/caregivers-hub/
📌Thanks for listening! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review 🐶⭐🐱
Learn More from BrightHaven Caregiver Academy For free resources, upcoming workshops, and a supportive community dedicated to navigating life with your aging or ill pet:
- Visit our website: brightpathforpets.com
- Join us on Youtube: www.youtube.com/@brighthaven_animals
Connect with Us on Social:
- Facebook: www.facebook.com/brightpathforpets
- Instagram: @brightpathforpets
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes and not a substitute for professional advice. We are not veterinarians. While we do not provide medical diagnoses or treatments, we are experienced holistic caregivers. Our support focuses on helping you assess the situation, understand your options, and find clarity and calm in the middle of distress.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents, the podcast by BrightHaven Caregiver Academy.
I'm Gail Pope and I'm Karen Wylie and together we're here to support you in navigating life with your aging or ill pets.
We know how deeply you care for your beloved companions, and we're here to offer guidance, understanding, and resources for this meaningful journey.
(00:25):
Each episode we'll explore topics that address the daily challenges, emotional realities, and choices you face as a pet parent helping you and your pets find peace, comfort, and joy.
Whether it's making sense of a new diagnosis, adjusting to changing needs, or simply seeking a place to feel understood, you're not alone.
(00:47):
Thank you for being here with us.
Karen Wylie (00:50):
Hello and welcome back to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
I'm Karen Wylie here with my dear friend and colleague, Gail Pope.
As we're meeting, it is still the month of September and September is Pet Memorial Month.
A time dedicated to remembering all of our beloved babies who live forever in our hearts.
So we thought this might be a good time for us to explore one way to honor our pets after they pass.
(01:16):
Which is a three day honoring process that Gail has used at BrightHaven for many years after a pet has died that brings both dignity for the pet and peace of mind for the pet parent.
Gail, would you begin by walking us through what BrightHaven's three-day honoring process looks like in practice?
Gail Pope (01:35):
Gosh.
Well, I have so many photographs of the honoring because we have honored each animal and every single photograph of every honoring we've done is different.
Some of the basics are the same but this tradition started for us, golly, a long time ago.
A dear friend, Ella Bittel, had come to BrightHaven to do a seminar for us as part of our education program.
(01:58):
One of our cats had recently died and somehow in conversation, Ella asked me, "How we honored our animals?"
And my eyes opened and I'm like "What do you mean?"
That's where it all began.
She talked about the time it takes for the spirit, the soul to leave the body, the parting, the Buddhist philosophy, and the following day we spring into action.
(02:21):
It made so much sense.
It helped us and our volunteers with grieving.
Some were a little surprised at first as we were with the notion of honoring a dead body basically after death.
Yet little by little, everybody realized what a gift it was.
So that began a long time ago and it didn't really change an awful lot other than.
(02:42):
I'm trying to remember back what we did at the beginning.
We would place the animal in a basket or depending how small or large they were.
If it was a cat, it would be probably a wicker basket with some ice.
What we used to honor them was very much the same at the beginning but little by little and fairly quickly we started to realize (02:54):
that was his personality, that those were his toys, those are the things he liked to do or she liked to do.
So we would surround them with personal mementos for each one.
We would always drape a Buddhist prayer shawl all around.
(03:16):
We would clearly have flowers, so someone would rush off to the florist and buy some beautiful flowers.
Again, depending on the animal and what we felt were the right tributes.
That would determine the color of the flowers.
We got really passionate about how to do it and their favorite blanket— things like that.
(03:36):
So it just became a beautiful tradition that we still do now.
Karen Wylie (03:40):
It is a beautiful tradition.
Since I've known you and looked at so many of these wonderful photographs, they are so different.
The colors are different.
The items used to surround each animal are different.
It's really lovely.
Now of course in the United States and many areas, holding a wake for someone, a human who has died, is a very commonplace idea.
(04:06):
Sometimes the wake is held for just one night, sometimes two nights, and then there's a funeral.
But I never, growing up and really until starting to learn a little bit about the Buddhist tradition, I never understood that the soul needs a little bit of time after the physical body dies to basically figure out what the heck's going on.
(04:30):
It can take time.
The consciousness doesn't necessarily leave the body like that.
So in the Tibetan Buddhism tradition, time is allowed and that's what you've done.
If you would say a little bit more about that aspect of it, where the time is allowed for the soul to leave the body.
Gail Pope (04:49):
Gosh, that understanding had grown.
It's very hard to describe that had grown in me as animals died, and I felt the connection.
I've told the story of the Silver Cord, for instance, with Sarah the cat.
So I had a connection to spirit emotionally but my brain hadn't quite caught up and really figured it out.
I think it was actually the day that Ella came that she told me about the Buddhist tradition and she mentioned the scientific research on the subject which had been done by Konstantin Korotkov, a Russian author.
(05:22):
His book was really the foundation of me taking the notion of what we were going to do.
Growing it and his work taught me very much to stop and really think through the idea of when the spirit leaves the body.
Over the years, as you all will know, I talk about our "earth house" that we live in this beautiful physical body— which is our house, and then when we die, we step out of that house.
(05:51):
And I think that vision, if you like, has helped me more than anything to really understand.
Obviously Konstantin Korotkov's work is huge because he did a lot of scientific work and using Kirlian photography as well to actually demonstrate that the being that we know may register as dead.
(06:11):
However, other methods can show that the spirit still remains and takes time to leave that body.
So it all comes together and just makes total sense.
Oh my gosh, I could talk about this forever because that takes me to actually something that literally only happened this week.
This was with a dear friend of our family who when her beloved cat died, the person standing next to her said, "There, yes, she's gone."
(06:38):
She went into deep grief at the word "gone" because her precious one had gone.
Now, this friend is actually a yoga teacher.
She's very rooted in Buddhist philosophy but she was completely hit by that word.
So when we talked, I reminded her of the poem, "Gone from My Sight"
It just opened the entire conversation up because "Of course, how foolish I know that but that word "gone", my grief just literally dived in and leapt on top of it and it took me down to the depths of sadness."
Karen Wylie (07:11):
We're so focused on first trying to save them, if at all possible, in what we can do.
Then to lengthen the time they're able to stay with us.
So there's so much focus on the physical for us for so long and then they take their last breath.
There is still that life energy that is around the body and then also around the loved ones, whether furry or human.
(07:37):
So have you been able to encourage other people through the years to begin offering this kind of process for pets after they die?
Gail Pope (07:47):
Oh goodness, yes.
It's not something that I would share with anybody and everybody because if somebody doesn't have any kind of spiritual inclination or they have just euthanized an animal and the body has gone for cremation, I would never talk about it.
Obviously we have a page on the website that describes our three day tradition.
(08:07):
Anybody who's interested, I love to talk about it but I have to feel comfortable that they may have that inclination.
Most of the people are people who are hoping that their animal will be able to have a natural passing.
Karen Wylie (08:20):
And are working toward that as their hope and their goal as their animal's declining.
We have discussed what to do if your pet dies at home in a previous podcast as well as a blog post.
So we'll make sure that we link both of those resources in the information about this episode.
Because for a pet parent to want to participate and offer this showing of reverence to their pet's body and allow some time for them and their family to heal, the pet's body needs to be taken care of and prepared for a few days time or whatever amount of time they're able to do.
(08:59):
If the animal is euthanized and they know that they're interested in this three day process, they certainly can bring the animal's body back home.
Gail Pope (09:07):
Oh Yes, absolutely.
Karen Wylie (09:08):
And set this up but like you're saying, to mention this to anyone after the fact when everything's gone, that's much harder to do— if not something you wouldn't want to do at all.
It's interesting to me too is that the Tibetan Buddhist tradition is the foundation for what you started doing.
But then there's seven more weeks after the initial three days which are the Bardos.
Gail Pope (09:34):
Correct.
Karen Wylie (09:35):
Can you say a little more about that too?
Because I know that's the bardos are talking about that in between state that a soul or the consciousness may move through death.
And of course, the way it's written up in the Tibetan Book of the Dead is all about humans.
But there are some aspects we can anticipate might also apply to our pets.
Gail Pope (09:53):
Exactly.
We all have different or differing beliefs here and there but to me the Buddhist tradition, it just makes sense.
It makes sense and I think as you start to tippy toe a little into the world of spirituality and soul, then again it just makes sense that this is a transition.
(10:13):
We, our culture looks at death for the most part as the end of something.
But when we start to look at the spirit or soul leaving the body, we have to call it a transition.
We are not entirely sure what it's transitioning to because we don't remember our experience.
Which may have been, who knows, many hundreds or thousands of times before, but we just don't know that.
(10:35):
So that does make it very scary for everybody.
I don't think that there are many people who are not scared of the word death but I think it's important that we start to, particularly as we get older, we start to come to terms with what our understanding is of that and if it is transition then yes, the bardo period makes total sense.
(10:56):
We are preparing, we're reviewing the life that we've led.
I think we, perhaps most of us, have an idea or an instinct of what we are here to do in this lifetime.
What our passion is.
Were we born with that?
Did we bring it with us with, for instance, did we write a little note in this lifetime?
I want to learn X, Y, and Z to make me a better person.
(11:19):
I don't know but it makes... They talk about the Akashic records and it makes perfect sense that you are building a history of this spirit, this soul that you.
So the different bardo periods of time through the 49 days, they make total sense as you are choosing what you're going to be doing in your next lifetime, who you're going to be sharing that lifetime with, what lessons you need to learn.
(11:44):
It just makes sense
Karen Wylie (11:45):
And what you have learned from the life you just left.
There's a lot to be processed in that way.
As you're saying, it really is a process whereas I don't want to say in the United States or in the West or attribute this.
I'll just say my upbringing is that death is an event.
(12:05):
It's not really looked at as death as having a process attached to it other than two other events.
The wake, the funeral, and actually now a celebration of life is more frequently an option and sometimes only that and not a wake or a funeral but there's still events and more so than understanding what could be happening that we don't see.
(12:29):
But some of us feel, some of us have a sense, especially in those first three days of the life energy leaving our pet's body, but not necessarily leaving the room or leaving the planet.
They're, I was just
Gail Pope (12:43):
going to say yes, because our animals, again, very often will show us different ways that we can understand that maybe there are other spirits here that they're reaching out to as they're in their dying process.
It's fascinating and there are so many people these days coming forward with stories of, "I saw this happen" and "I saw that..." and "My precious dog was dying and this is what he did."
(13:05):
There are so many of those stories.
You can't just sweep them all under the carpet and pretend they don't exist.
Absolutely.
It's a wonderful world if we open to it I think.
Karen Wylie (13:14):
Yes.
With so many possibilities, whether we can explain them or not.
Just be open to experiencing them and figure out what it means later.
It is interesting to me.
There's so many other cultural traditions but the Native American traditions and there's so many different tribal customs but apparently four days is what they generally use for allowing time for the soul to leave the body.
(13:43):
They chose four because four is attached to the four seasons of the year.
The four elements, and so that, that's an interesting thing to think about.
Gail Pope (13:54):
You know, I think you've underscored that we call our ceremony a three day tradition from the research originally that we did on it.
However, over time, I don't spend three days honoring the body.
Sometimes it's less, sometimes it's a lot more I think it was Konstantin Korotkov who in his research with humans who had died and the work that he did, he said that in his estimation, the spirit stays with the body for anywhere up to death or even slightly before maybe.
(14:29):
At least two or even three weeks depending on the age of the person passing, the particularly the youth, even if it was a sudden death or a long, slow death.
So I just follow my gut with anybody who's died and it's uncanny how you feel when the time's right.
It's just a feeling, "We don't need to do this anymore."
Karen Wylie (14:49):
Just a sensing that you have.
Gail Pope (14:51):
Yes.
Yes.
Karen Wylie (14:52):
There's a lot to be done over a three day period.
Once you establish a place for the pet's body to essentially lie in state for a period of time and you select the various items, there's statues, the flowers like you were talking about and arrange everything.
It's almost like an altar to that path.
(15:12):
You can revisit and stop by in that room however often you want to stop in over a few days time but most of the time the soul has work to do.
So when I've read about it, it's always talking about making sure it's very quiet and very peaceful so that the soul can fully leave the physical body and just be doing what it's doing.
(15:36):
So it's not like it's three days of activity from each of us.
Choosing to also use this process but a process for the soul over three days time?
Gail Pope (15:46):
Definitely.
Interestingly, I'm looking at Ollie, my remaining dog lying on the floor down here beside me and he's deaf and blind.
When his brother died just two weeks ago, whenever it was.
He was honored again in here in my office and Ollie— deaf, blind, and crazy.
I have so many photos of him just lying or a cute one where he's sitting with Andy in his honoring place behind him and he's just sat there with a very reflective look on his face.
(16:17):
You could almost see the bond and feel that's what he was doing.
I think giving our animals the opportunity to honor the one that's gone.
Sometimes they don't need it or want it, and other times you see them.
They want to sit beside and just partake of that energy.
Karen Wylie (16:35):
When I've experienced a sudden death, I've only had one of those in the last decades, but I had a cat die right after an emergency surgery.
That cat didn't have much time to figure out what was going on for him himself and then bringing him home and setting up an area to honor his body.
His sister was so upset.
(16:56):
She was literally at his basket hitting him, trying to get him to move.
Then she'd give up and she'd lay down and have her back next to the basket.
Then 15, 20 minutes later, she'd be back up and she'd be again focused on him.
Sometimes it was touching and sometimes it was literally hitting him.
That was the first time I've ever had that kind of experience.
(17:17):
But like I said, I haven't had a sudden death related to an emergency surgery.
Generally when I set something up so that all the other furries in the family have their grieving time and can be helped to understand what has happened.
It's usually after a long illness and there's been an awareness in an ongoing way by everyone around the one who is declining that something is wrong.
(17:43):
So I've seen them respond very differently then during an honoring process.
After those kind of illnesses, like you're saying, they may lay near it.
They may be quiet but I've not seen the drama.
Gail Pope (17:59):
I think you just reminded me what I have seen in, bearing in mind I had a very big family of animals in the sanctuary days, but what we would see would be most often a group of cats or dogs or both surrounding one that was dying.
They honored them in their dying process long before they died.
(18:20):
Sometimes a week or even more, they'd be gradually winding down.
The energy would be depleting gradually and they'd be in bed more and other animals would join them in that process.
Then when they died, some would leave and some would stay and honor the body.
I have a beautiful photograph of Beauregard the cat literally lying beside and over with his arm over Ollie the dog after he died.
(18:44):
He laid there for several hours with him.
That was very beautiful but I do think animals very often with a loved one, they will honor the process if it is a longer, slower process.
But I've also seen an animal has died and maybe I haven't actually prepared their honoring basket yet or whatever, but they were lying where I had them which would be at floor level so that other animals could join them if they wanted.
(19:10):
I've seen other cats particularly, actually dogs too, walk up and sniff and look around he's not there and walk off.
I've seen cats literally walk over the body and tread over it as though there's no one.
Karen Wylie (19:20):
No respect.
No respect.
Gail Pope (19:24):
On that note, I actually did hear about a couple with an autistic daughter.
I think she was 11 or 12 and when she was away at school one day, her dog died.
The family knew the dog was nearing the end of life and the dog died while she was at school.
When she came home, she came rushing in and asked where she was and if she was okay.
(19:45):
They said, "Darling, she passed."
Here she is and they laid her on a blanket and made her look pretty.
The girl rushed in and said, "You said she was here. Where is she?"
She couldn't see the body.
She couldn't actually see the body.
So that again, always makes me goosey when I think of that story.
That begs all sorts of questions, doesn't it?
Karen Wylie (20:04):
Yes, it does.
Gail Pope (20:05):
Who's was the higher intelligence?
We live in a world of energy.
We really ought to be able to start learning a little bit more about how to involve it in our lives.
Some people obviously do.
Karen Wylie (20:19):
Yes, some people definitely do.
But as we're talking, this three day process has benefits for all the humans in the family, as well as the furry ones.
To be able to reach out and pet your pet over a period of time and not just in 10 minutes or 15 minutes after they have immediately died.
Gail Pope (20:41):
If you celebrate the life before and afterwards, you've got this journey of celebration and honoring and respect and memory, then you can walk forward into your own human future a little easier.
You're not carrying the huge burden of grief that maybe you had before you adopted these kind of traditions because they really do help.
(21:04):
They really do help.
Karen Wylie (21:05):
Yes, I have found that as well whether it's three days or the four days or the 49 days of the bardos.
The heart of the matter is really about creating rituals that feel meaningful to you and your family— to support you in your grief, in your honoring of the lost pet but the feelings you have as you recover from their loss to the extent that you can.
(21:33):
So Gail, let's think about how a pet parent might choose to follow this idea for a pet.
What are some of the things pet parents need to do before the death of a pet to prepare for this time?
Gail Pope (21:46):
I think having traditional ice in bags in your freezer is always good to have in case— you can use dry ice.
I never really prepared because we always had ice in the freezer but other than that the actual preparation of the honoring was always different.
After the death, it would be a process for me to think, "Oh, now what would honor him most?" Or "he played with that toy or that teddy bear.
(22:12):
He was always trying to steal it from himself."
All sorts of odd little things, that's part of the journey.
So I don't think a huge amount of preparation I would, knowing that the animal was going to what was approaching death, I would mentally be thinking, "What basket could I use? No, that wouldn't be big enough. I'm going to have to use so-and-so's bed or..."
That would be something I would be thinking about but I wouldn't be actually preparing anything.
(22:36):
I would be thinking about it and blankets that I wanted to use and just the things that I would be collecting but not necessarily in great detail until I actually started the process.
Going around the house and gathering the things that.
Karen Wylie (22:49):
The best choices, the choices that are right for this pet.
Gail Pope (22:52):
Yes.
Karen Wylie (22:53):
Okay.
During the three days, are there any self-care practices that you particularly find yourself leaning on or that you would suggest for others who would be in a very intense time of grieving?
We're talking about the main motivation for this three day process is to allow time for the soul of the animal to leave the body and its consciousness begin to making sense of what's happened and moving on.
(23:19):
The three days obviously can be very healing for the family.
But can be very stressful and grief is hard work, as we were talking about last week.
Gail Pope (23:29):
Yes, it comes back to those baby steps and taking care of yourself and peace, some quiet.
I know in the last couple of weeks, I just want to be peaceful.
I want my house quiet.
There's soft music playing but I don't really want anything else.
I don't feel the urge to go out and I think it's a time for drawing inwards.
(23:49):
It's a time for reflection about all sorts of things and grief is part of it.
Obviously it's a very big part of it but at a level where you are working towards acceptance rather than misery, as it were.
If it's been a slow and expected death, I think you're a few steps ahead in your grief because hopefully as we've learned to do, you've been grieving during that process.
(24:15):
So then the honor and celebration takes on a lighter feeling at that point.
We're all going to be sad.
Sadness and sorrow is a perfectly natural thing, and I think we have to honor it.
Be kind to ourselves and just allow it to flow.
Laugh and cry.
Laugh at things that you remember, laugh and cry again at things you remember.
(24:37):
It's all healing.
It's all healing.
Karen Wylie (24:39):
Usually our babies give us more than enough of both to laugh at so many of the antics they were involved in their lifetime as well as opportunities to shed some tears as you're saying.
I do feel, at least what I've learned about the seven weeks of the bardos, where again the focus is on the person who has passed over, or in our case as we're talking the pet, but there's actually things for the survivors to be doing during those seven weeks with the focus on supporting the pet in their journey.
(25:12):
Where quiet reflection about the things that were so fun and wonderful during their lifetime, as well as what brings you to tears.
Those are all very supportive of the pet in its journey over those seven weeks.
So it seems to have healing opportunities for everyone involved.
Well Gail before we wrap up, do you have a final thought to share about maybe what you'd like pet parents to carry with them about honoring their companions after death?
Gail Pope (25:39):
I think I would just like to basically say that the three day process over many years has brought me to a place I don't quite know how to express it.
It's brought me to a place of better understanding of the process of death.
It's more of a sharing and caring journey with the being who's dying or died.
(26:01):
You are more part of a process.
I think before we started doing this tradition, I walked my path, the animal walked their path.
There was love, there was sorrow, sadness, grief on both sides.
Whereas this three day process seems to bring it together.
So we are sharing and caring together.
(26:22):
If that makes any sense.
Karen Wylie (26:24):
It makes perfect sense and it's certainly a better place to end up which is just focusing on the last few minutes of their life or make you focusing on anything we regret and so forth.
This process, because it is focused on the need of the pet— the pet's soul to leave the body.
You got to get past yourself because it's not all about you.
(26:48):
The three day process puts the focus on what you can do for the pet which I think most of us we're trying to do during their lifetime but our job isn't over just because they have left their physical house as you often say.
Gail Pope (27:00):
Exactly!
That you are walking the path still together which that's the important part I think because although you're caring for the body, the spirit, the soul is still there too.
Yours is too, it's all intermingled together.
You're working together through this part of the process— that we call dying.
Karen Wylie (27:18):
I think it's a beautiful process and I hope that some of our listeners or viewers would consider this process for themselves, their family and their pet and how it might be helpful to all of them.
So thank you as always, Gail, for sharing your wisdom and your heart too.
For our listeners I'd encourage you to explore more about the three-day honoring process on the brighthaven.org website.
(27:42):
We'll include a link to that page on the information below this episode and do reach out to us if you're walking this path right now.
We have a lot of resources to support you.
These moments matter.
Everything we do with our pets matter.
But these three days and what we do for ourselves and our pet certainly matter.
However you choose to honor your pet's transition, it can be a sacred gift of love for you and your pet.
(28:08):
So thank you for being with us again this week.
We'll look forward to seeing you again, and thank you.
Bye-bye.
Gail Pope (28:14):
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Thank you for joining us on Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
We hope today's episode has offered you support and insight as you care for your aging or ill pets.
Remember, it's not just about the end.
It's about living well at every stage of life.
To continue your journey with us, explore more resources at BrightHaven Caregiver Academy's website— BrightPathForPets.com, where you'll find guides, assessments, and a caring community of pet parents like you.
(28:51):
Until next time, may you and your pets find comfort, connection, and peace in every moment.
Take care.
Welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents, the podcast by BrightHaven Caregiver Academy.
I'm Gail Pope and I'm Karen Wylie and together we're here to support you in navigating life with your aging or ill pets.
We know how deeply you care for your beloved companions, and we're here to offer guidance, understanding, and resources for this meaningful journey.
(00:25):
Each episode we'll explore topics that address the daily challenges, emotional realities, and choices you face as a pet parent helping you and your pets find peace, comfort, and joy.
Whether it's making sense of a new diagnosis, adjusting to changing needs, or simply seeking a place to feel understood, you're not alone.
(00:47):
Thank you for being here with us.
Karen Wylie (00:50):
Hello and welcome back to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
I'm Karen Wylie here with my dear friend and colleague, Gail Pope.
As we're meeting, it is still the month of September and September is Pet Memorial Month.
A time dedicated to remembering all of our beloved babies who live forever in our hearts.
So we thought this might be a good time for us to explore one way to honor our pets after they pass.
(01:16):
Which is a three day honoring process that Gail has used at BrightHaven for many years after a pet has died that brings both dignity for the pet and peace of mind for the pet parent.
Gail, would you begin by walking us through what BrightHaven's three-day honoring process looks like in practice?
Gail Pope (01:35):
Gosh.
Well, I have so many photographs of the honoring because we have honored each animal and every single photograph of every honoring we've done is different.
Some of the basics are the same but this tradition started for us, golly, a long time ago.
A dear friend, Ella Bittel, had come to BrightHaven to do a seminar for us as part of our education program.
(01:58):
One of our cats had recently died and somehow in conversation, Ella asked me, "How we honored our animals?"
And my eyes opened and I'm like "What do you mean?"
That's where it all began.
She talked about the time it takes for the spirit, the soul to leave the body, the parting, the Buddhist philosophy, and the following day we spring into action.
(02:21):
It made so much sense.
It helped us and our volunteers with grieving.
Some were a little surprised at first as we were with the notion of honoring a dead body basically after death.
Yet little by little, everybody realized what a gift it was.
So that began a long time ago and it didn't really change an awful lot other than.
(02:42):
I'm trying to remember back what we did at the beginning.
We would place the animal in a basket or depending how small or large they were.
If it was a cat, it would be probably a wicker basket with some ice.
What we used to honor them was very much the same at the beginning but little by little and fairly quickly we started to realize (02:54):
that was his personality, that those were his toys, those are the things he liked to do or she liked to do.
So we would surround them with personal mementos for each one.
We would always drape a Buddhist prayer shawl all around.
(03:16):
We would clearly have flowers, so someone would rush off to the florist and buy some beautiful flowers.
Again, depending on the animal and what we felt were the right tributes.
That would determine the color of the flowers.
We got really passionate about how to do it and their favorite blanket— things like that.
(03:36):
So it just became a beautiful tradition that we still do now.
Karen Wylie (03:40):
It is a beautiful tradition.
Since I've known you and looked at so many of these wonderful photographs, they are so different.
The colors are different.
The items used to surround each animal are different.
It's really lovely.
Now of course in the United States and many areas, holding a wake for someone, a human who has died, is a very commonplace idea.
(04:06):
Sometimes the wake is held for just one night, sometimes two nights, and then there's a funeral.
But I never, growing up and really until starting to learn a little bit about the Buddhist tradition, I never understood that the soul needs a little bit of time after the physical body dies to basically figure out what the heck's going on.
(04:30):
It can take time.
The consciousness doesn't necessarily leave the body like that.
So in the Tibetan Buddhism tradition, time is allowed and that's what you've done.
If you would say a little bit more about that aspect of it, where the time is allowed for the soul to leave the body.
Gail Pope (04:49):
Gosh, that understanding had grown.
It's very hard to describe that had grown in me as animals died, and I felt the connection.
I've told the story of the Silver Cord, for instance, with Sarah the cat.
So I had a connection to spirit emotionally but my brain hadn't quite caught up and really figured it out.
I think it was actually the day that Ella came that she told me about the Buddhist tradition and she mentioned the scientific research on the subject which had been done by Konstantin Korotkov, a Russian author.
(05:22):
His book was really the foundation of me taking the notion of what we were going to do.
Growing it and his work taught me very much to stop and really think through the idea of when the spirit leaves the body.
Over the years, as you all will know, I talk about our "earth house" that we live in this beautiful physical body— which is our house, and then when we die, we step out of that house.
(05:51):
And I think that vision, if you like, has helped me more than anything to really understand.
Obviously Konstantin Korotkov's work is huge because he did a lot of scientific work and using Kirlian photography as well to actually demonstrate that the being that we know may register as dead.
(06:11):
However, other methods can show that the spirit still remains and takes time to leave that body.
So it all comes together and just makes total sense.
Oh my gosh, I could talk about this forever because that takes me to actually something that literally only happened this week.
This was with a dear friend of our family who when her beloved cat died, the person standing next to her said, "There, yes, she's gone."
(06:38):
She went into deep grief at the word "gone" because her precious one had gone.
Now, this friend is actually a yoga teacher.
She's very rooted in Buddhist philosophy but she was completely hit by that word.
So when we talked, I reminded her of the poem, "Gone from My Sight"
It just opened the entire conversation up because "Of course, how foolish I know that but that word "gone", my grief just literally dived in and leapt on top of it and it took me down to the depths of sadness."
Karen Wylie (07:11):
We're so focused on first trying to save them, if at all possible, in what we can do.
Then to lengthen the time they're able to stay with us.
So there's so much focus on the physical for us for so long and then they take their last breath.
There is still that life energy that is around the body and then also around the loved ones, whether furry or human.
(07:37):
So have you been able to encourage other people through the years to begin offering this kind of process for pets after they die?
Gail Pope (07:47):
Oh goodness, yes.
It's not something that I would share with anybody and everybody because if somebody doesn't have any kind of spiritual inclination or they have just euthanized an animal and the body has gone for cremation, I would never talk about it.
Obviously we have a page on the website that describes our three day tradition.
(08:07):
Anybody who's interested, I love to talk about it but I have to feel comfortable that they may have that inclination.
Most of the people are people who are hoping that their animal will be able to have a natural passing.
Karen Wylie (08:20):
And are working toward that as their hope and their goal as their animal's declining.
We have discussed what to do if your pet dies at home in a previous podcast as well as a blog post.
So we'll make sure that we link both of those resources in the information about this episode.
Because for a pet parent to want to participate and offer this showing of reverence to their pet's body and allow some time for them and their family to heal, the pet's body needs to be taken care of and prepared for a few days time or whatever amount of time they're able to do.
(08:59):
If the animal is euthanized and they know that they're interested in this three day process, they certainly can bring the animal's body back home.
Gail Pope (09:07):
Oh Yes, absolutely.
Karen Wylie (09:08):
And set this up but like you're saying, to mention this to anyone after the fact when everything's gone, that's much harder to do— if not something you wouldn't want to do at all.
It's interesting to me too is that the Tibetan Buddhist tradition is the foundation for what you started doing.
But then there's seven more weeks after the initial three days which are the Bardos.
Gail Pope (09:34):
Correct.
Karen Wylie (09:35):
Can you say a little more about that too?
Because I know that's the bardos are talking about that in between state that a soul or the consciousness may move through death.
And of course, the way it's written up in the Tibetan Book of the Dead is all about humans.
But there are some aspects we can anticipate might also apply to our pets.
Gail Pope (09:53):
Exactly.
We all have different or differing beliefs here and there but to me the Buddhist tradition, it just makes sense.
It makes sense and I think as you start to tippy toe a little into the world of spirituality and soul, then again it just makes sense that this is a transition.
(10:13):
We, our culture looks at death for the most part as the end of something.
But when we start to look at the spirit or soul leaving the body, we have to call it a transition.
We are not entirely sure what it's transitioning to because we don't remember our experience.
Which may have been, who knows, many hundreds or thousands of times before, but we just don't know that.
(10:35):
So that does make it very scary for everybody.
I don't think that there are many people who are not scared of the word death but I think it's important that we start to, particularly as we get older, we start to come to terms with what our understanding is of that and if it is transition then yes, the bardo period makes total sense.
(10:56):
We are preparing, we're reviewing the life that we've led.
I think we, perhaps most of us, have an idea or an instinct of what we are here to do in this lifetime.
What our passion is.
Were we born with that?
Did we bring it with us with, for instance, did we write a little note in this lifetime?
I want to learn X, Y, and Z to make me a better person.
(11:19):
I don't know but it makes... They talk about the Akashic records and it makes perfect sense that you are building a history of this spirit, this soul that you.
So the different bardo periods of time through the 49 days, they make total sense as you are choosing what you're going to be doing in your next lifetime, who you're going to be sharing that lifetime with, what lessons you need to learn.
(11:44):
It just makes sense
Karen Wylie (11:45):
And what you have learned from the life you just left.
There's a lot to be processed in that way.
As you're saying, it really is a process whereas I don't want to say in the United States or in the West or attribute this.
I'll just say my upbringing is that death is an event.
(12:05):
It's not really looked at as death as having a process attached to it other than two other events.
The wake, the funeral, and actually now a celebration of life is more frequently an option and sometimes only that and not a wake or a funeral but there's still events and more so than understanding what could be happening that we don't see.
(12:29):
But some of us feel, some of us have a sense, especially in those first three days of the life energy leaving our pet's body, but not necessarily leaving the room or leaving the planet.
They're, I was just
Gail Pope (12:43):
going to say yes, because our animals, again, very often will show us different ways that we can understand that maybe there are other spirits here that they're reaching out to as they're in their dying process.
It's fascinating and there are so many people these days coming forward with stories of, "I saw this happen" and "I saw that..." and "My precious dog was dying and this is what he did."
(13:05):
There are so many of those stories.
You can't just sweep them all under the carpet and pretend they don't exist.
Absolutely.
It's a wonderful world if we open to it I think.
Karen Wylie (13:14):
Yes.
With so many possibilities, whether we can explain them or not.
Just be open to experiencing them and figure out what it means later.
It is interesting to me.
There's so many other cultural traditions but the Native American traditions and there's so many different tribal customs but apparently four days is what they generally use for allowing time for the soul to leave the body.
(13:43):
They chose four because four is attached to the four seasons of the year.
The four elements, and so that, that's an interesting thing to think about.
Gail Pope (13:54):
You know, I think you've underscored that we call our ceremony a three day tradition from the research originally that we did on it.
However, over time, I don't spend three days honoring the body.
Sometimes it's less, sometimes it's a lot more I think it was Konstantin Korotkov who in his research with humans who had died and the work that he did, he said that in his estimation, the spirit stays with the body for anywhere up to death or even slightly before maybe.
(14:29):
At least two or even three weeks depending on the age of the person passing, the particularly the youth, even if it was a sudden death or a long, slow death.
So I just follow my gut with anybody who's died and it's uncanny how you feel when the time's right.
It's just a feeling, "We don't need to do this anymore."
Karen Wylie (14:49):
Just a sensing that you have.
Gail Pope (14:51):
Yes.
Yes.
Karen Wylie (14:52):
There's a lot to be done over a three day period.
Once you establish a place for the pet's body to essentially lie in state for a period of time and you select the various items, there's statues, the flowers like you were talking about and arrange everything.
It's almost like an altar to that path.
(15:12):
You can revisit and stop by in that room however often you want to stop in over a few days time but most of the time the soul has work to do.
So when I've read about it, it's always talking about making sure it's very quiet and very peaceful so that the soul can fully leave the physical body and just be doing what it's doing.
(15:36):
So it's not like it's three days of activity from each of us.
Choosing to also use this process but a process for the soul over three days time?
Gail Pope (15:46):
Definitely.
Interestingly, I'm looking at Ollie, my remaining dog lying on the floor down here beside me and he's deaf and blind.
When his brother died just two weeks ago, whenever it was.
He was honored again in here in my office and Ollie— deaf, blind, and crazy.
I have so many photos of him just lying or a cute one where he's sitting with Andy in his honoring place behind him and he's just sat there with a very reflective look on his face.
(16:17):
You could almost see the bond and feel that's what he was doing.
I think giving our animals the opportunity to honor the one that's gone.
Sometimes they don't need it or want it, and other times you see them.
They want to sit beside and just partake of that energy.
Karen Wylie (16:35):
When I've experienced a sudden death, I've only had one of those in the last decades, but I had a cat die right after an emergency surgery.
That cat didn't have much time to figure out what was going on for him himself and then bringing him home and setting up an area to honor his body.
His sister was so upset.
(16:56):
She was literally at his basket hitting him, trying to get him to move.
Then she'd give up and she'd lay down and have her back next to the basket.
Then 15, 20 minutes later, she'd be back up and she'd be again focused on him.
Sometimes it was touching and sometimes it was literally hitting him.
That was the first time I've ever had that kind of experience.
(17:17):
But like I said, I haven't had a sudden death related to an emergency surgery.
Generally when I set something up so that all the other furries in the family have their grieving time and can be helped to understand what has happened.
It's usually after a long illness and there's been an awareness in an ongoing way by everyone around the one who is declining that something is wrong.
(17:43):
So I've seen them respond very differently then during an honoring process.
After those kind of illnesses, like you're saying, they may lay near it.
They may be quiet but I've not seen the drama.
Gail Pope (17:59):
I think you just reminded me what I have seen in, bearing in mind I had a very big family of animals in the sanctuary days, but what we would see would be most often a group of cats or dogs or both surrounding one that was dying.
They honored them in their dying process long before they died.
(18:20):
Sometimes a week or even more, they'd be gradually winding down.
The energy would be depleting gradually and they'd be in bed more and other animals would join them in that process.
Then when they died, some would leave and some would stay and honor the body.
I have a beautiful photograph of Beauregard the cat literally lying beside and over with his arm over Ollie the dog after he died.
(18:44):
He laid there for several hours with him.
That was very beautiful but I do think animals very often with a loved one, they will honor the process if it is a longer, slower process.
But I've also seen an animal has died and maybe I haven't actually prepared their honoring basket yet or whatever, but they were lying where I had them which would be at floor level so that other animals could join them if they wanted.
(19:10):
I've seen other cats particularly, actually dogs too, walk up and sniff and look around he's not there and walk off.
I've seen cats literally walk over the body and tread over it as though there's no one.
Karen Wylie (19:20):
No respect.
No respect.
Gail Pope (19:24):
On that note, I actually did hear about a couple with an autistic daughter.
I think she was 11 or 12 and when she was away at school one day, her dog died.
The family knew the dog was nearing the end of life and the dog died while she was at school.
When she came home, she came rushing in and asked where she was and if she was okay.
(19:45):
They said, "Darling, she passed."
Here she is and they laid her on a blanket and made her look pretty.
The girl rushed in and said, "You said she was here. Where is she?"
She couldn't see the body.
She couldn't actually see the body.
So that again, always makes me goosey when I think of that story.
That begs all sorts of questions, doesn't it?
Karen Wylie (20:04):
Yes, it does.
Gail Pope (20:05):
Who's was the higher intelligence?
We live in a world of energy.
We really ought to be able to start learning a little bit more about how to involve it in our lives.
Some people obviously do.
Karen Wylie (20:19):
Yes, some people definitely do.
But as we're talking, this three day process has benefits for all the humans in the family, as well as the furry ones.
To be able to reach out and pet your pet over a period of time and not just in 10 minutes or 15 minutes after they have immediately died.
Gail Pope (20:41):
If you celebrate the life before and afterwards, you've got this journey of celebration and honoring and respect and memory, then you can walk forward into your own human future a little easier.
You're not carrying the huge burden of grief that maybe you had before you adopted these kind of traditions because they really do help.
(21:04):
They really do help.
Karen Wylie (21:05):
Yes, I have found that as well whether it's three days or the four days or the 49 days of the bardos.
The heart of the matter is really about creating rituals that feel meaningful to you and your family— to support you in your grief, in your honoring of the lost pet but the feelings you have as you recover from their loss to the extent that you can.
(21:33):
So Gail, let's think about how a pet parent might choose to follow this idea for a pet.
What are some of the things pet parents need to do before the death of a pet to prepare for this time?
Gail Pope (21:46):
I think having traditional ice in bags in your freezer is always good to have in case— you can use dry ice.
I never really prepared because we always had ice in the freezer but other than that the actual preparation of the honoring was always different.
After the death, it would be a process for me to think, "Oh, now what would honor him most?" Or "he played with that toy or that teddy bear.
(22:12):
He was always trying to steal it from himself."
All sorts of odd little things, that's part of the journey.
So I don't think a huge amount of preparation I would, knowing that the animal was going to what was approaching death, I would mentally be thinking, "What basket could I use? No, that wouldn't be big enough. I'm going to have to use so-and-so's bed or..."
That would be something I would be thinking about but I wouldn't be actually preparing anything.
(22:36):
I would be thinking about it and blankets that I wanted to use and just the things that I would be collecting but not necessarily in great detail until I actually started the process.
Going around the house and gathering the things that.
Karen Wylie (22:49):
The best choices, the choices that are right for this pet.
Gail Pope (22:52):
Yes.
Karen Wylie (22:53):
Okay.
During the three days, are there any self-care practices that you particularly find yourself leaning on or that you would suggest for others who would be in a very intense time of grieving?
We're talking about the main motivation for this three day process is to allow time for the soul of the animal to leave the body and its consciousness begin to making sense of what's happened and moving on.
(23:19):
The three days obviously can be very healing for the family.
But can be very stressful and grief is hard work, as we were talking about last week.
Gail Pope (23:29):
Yes, it comes back to those baby steps and taking care of yourself and peace, some quiet.
I know in the last couple of weeks, I just want to be peaceful.
I want my house quiet.
There's soft music playing but I don't really want anything else.
I don't feel the urge to go out and I think it's a time for drawing inwards.
(23:49):
It's a time for reflection about all sorts of things and grief is part of it.
Obviously it's a very big part of it but at a level where you are working towards acceptance rather than misery, as it were.
If it's been a slow and expected death, I think you're a few steps ahead in your grief because hopefully as we've learned to do, you've been grieving during that process.
(24:15):
So then the honor and celebration takes on a lighter feeling at that point.
We're all going to be sad.
Sadness and sorrow is a perfectly natural thing, and I think we have to honor it.
Be kind to ourselves and just allow it to flow.
Laugh and cry.
Laugh at things that you remember, laugh and cry again at things you remember.
(24:37):
It's all healing.
It's all healing.
Karen Wylie (24:39):
Usually our babies give us more than enough of both to laugh at so many of the antics they were involved in their lifetime as well as opportunities to shed some tears as you're saying.
I do feel, at least what I've learned about the seven weeks of the bardos, where again the focus is on the person who has passed over, or in our case as we're talking the pet, but there's actually things for the survivors to be doing during those seven weeks with the focus on supporting the pet in their journey.
(25:12):
Where quiet reflection about the things that were so fun and wonderful during their lifetime, as well as what brings you to tears.
Those are all very supportive of the pet in its journey over those seven weeks.
So it seems to have healing opportunities for everyone involved.
Well Gail before we wrap up, do you have a final thought to share about maybe what you'd like pet parents to carry with them about honoring their companions after death?
Gail Pope (25:39):
I think I would just like to basically say that the three day process over many years has brought me to a place I don't quite know how to express it.
It's brought me to a place of better understanding of the process of death.
It's more of a sharing and caring journey with the being who's dying or died.
(26:01):
You are more part of a process.
I think before we started doing this tradition, I walked my path, the animal walked their path.
There was love, there was sorrow, sadness, grief on both sides.
Whereas this three day process seems to bring it together.
So we are sharing and caring together.
(26:22):
If that makes any sense.
Karen Wylie (26:24):
It makes perfect sense and it's certainly a better place to end up which is just focusing on the last few minutes of their life or make you focusing on anything we regret and so forth.
This process, because it is focused on the need of the pet— the pet's soul to leave the body.
You got to get past yourself because it's not all about you.
(26:48):
The three day process puts the focus on what you can do for the pet which I think most of us we're trying to do during their lifetime but our job isn't over just because they have left their physical house as you often say.
Gail Pope (27:00):
Exactly!
That you are walking the path still together which that's the important part I think because although you're caring for the body, the spirit, the soul is still there too.
Yours is too, it's all intermingled together.
You're working together through this part of the process— that we call dying.
Karen Wylie (27:18):
I think it's a beautiful process and I hope that some of our listeners or viewers would consider this process for themselves, their family and their pet and how it might be helpful to all of them.
So thank you as always, Gail, for sharing your wisdom and your heart too.
For our listeners I'd encourage you to explore more about the three-day honoring process on the brighthaven.org website.
(27:42):
We'll include a link to that page on the information below this episode and do reach out to us if you're walking this path right now.
We have a lot of resources to support you.
These moments matter.
Everything we do with our pets matter.
But these three days and what we do for ourselves and our pet certainly matter.
However you choose to honor your pet's transition, it can be a sacred gift of love for you and your pet.
(28:08):
So thank you for being with us again this week.
We'll look forward to seeing you again, and thank you.
Bye-bye.
Gail Pope (28:14):
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Thank you for joining us on Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
We hope today's episode has offered you support and insight as you care for your aging or ill pets.
Remember, it's not just about the end.
It's about living well at every stage of life.
To continue your journey with us, explore more resources at BrightHaven Caregiver Academy's website— BrightPathForPets.com, where you'll find guides, assessments, and a caring community of pet parents like you.
(28:51):
Until next time, may you and your pets find comfort, connection, and peace in every moment.
Take care.
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