July 2, 2024 • 46 mins
Welcome to the "Who the Fuck is in the Mirror?" podcast with your host Angela Spooner, an emotional intelligence guide, trauma-informed coach, yoga instructor, and a badass single mom. This episode dives deep into understanding who you truly are beyond societal labels and expectations.
Join Angela and guest Joshua as they discuss the science behind why we often don't recognize ourselves in the mirror, especially after experiencing chronic trauma. They explore how trauma impacts brain activity, affecting our sense of self and ability to process emotions. You'll learn about the brain's "default state network" and how it plays a crucial role in overall consciousness.
Angela shares personal stories and insights, including a recent confrontation that led to a breakthrough in self-awareness. Joshua provides practical tools for managing emotional responses, emphasizing the importance of continuously building new neural pathways through mindfulness, yoga, and self-reflection.
This episode is packed with wisdom and practical advice for anyone looking to transform their self-doubt and insecurity into self-aware confidence. Tune in to discover how you can start your journey towards becoming your most authentic, confidently badass self.
Don't miss out on the exciting announcement about Angela's new Confident Queen membership, starting July 1st, offering a comprehensive package of resources to help you on your journey. Enjoy a 7-day free trial and access to live coaching sessions, yoga, mindfulness games, and much more.
Stay connected and share your thoughts on Angela's social media platforms. Your feedback is invaluable in making this podcast even more impactful. Let's embark on this transformative journey together!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:13):
Hello and welcome to the Who the Fuck is in the Mirror podcast.
I'm Angela Spooner, your host, emotional intelligence guide,
trauma-informed coach, yoga instructor,
confident, badass single mom of three amazing children, and founder of Unabashedly You.
This podcast is all about using books,
(00:37):
analogies, and metaphors to dive
deep into who you really are to
yourselves not just as parents or some fictional
version others made you out to be right but
who the fuck you are i want you to find your confidently badass secure version
of you that you've lost along the way or maybe you never even had in the first
(01:01):
place because you were like busy with everyone and everything else does that sound about right?
So how about we get into the science of why we are a bunch of fucked up individuals
who look in the mirror and don't even recognize the person that's staring back.
(01:22):
Join me in the best journey you'll ever experience.
Why, you may ask? Because it is the journey to transform your self-doubt,
insecurity, and overall dysfunctional brain into self-aware badass confidence and understanding.
I hope you're as excited as I am because I cannot wait to get into this.
(01:48):
Music.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Who the Fuck is in the Mirror?
We have Joshua here, and we are doing our Fiction Intermission Part 3,
(02:12):
which, as we all know, is when I take a break from reading more and more content,
writing it down, explaining all of it.
It's really for me, guys, because I know you could just binge listen to me.
You're welcome. welcome but i like to
take those breaks because my mental stability depends on
(02:33):
it so we are going to actually
be talking about my last two episodes because
joshua i had to break this chapter losing your body losing yourself i had to
break it up into two podcasts which were 30 and 45 minutes long so for the show
angela was just giving i mean just and i'm like let's jump right into it because
(02:55):
I want to hear it for the first time with y'all.
So really, really kind of grabbed me. So you were talking about the Mohawk.
I don't know the right place to start, but let's just dive into it.
So the Mohawk is basically what, what Cole calls your default state network.
So this is where you have the insula, the parietal lobes and the anterior cingulate.
(03:18):
You guys don't have to remember that obviously, but these are basically the
areas of the brain that are connected. and process your feelings and sensations
from all parts of your body.
So they all have their different functions, but the main idea is that they all
take part in overall consciousness and our sense of self.
(03:41):
So when they did, they did this study, right? And it was a neuroimaging study.
And what they said was that in individuals with histories of chronic trauma,
the same regions show sharply decreased activity, making it difficult to register
internal states and assessing the personal relevance of incoming information.
(04:06):
That's so me. Like, really? Like, I didn't know that. that just,
that's a real breakthrough for me. I have a hard time dancing.
I have a hard time. I will die of an injury because I won't report it.
If that makes sense. Like I register pain, but not very well.
Right. Right. And it's, and it's definitely all encompassed,
(04:29):
you know, and I never really understood it because you're thinking you're talking
about, so we have all the different, all the different structures, right?
You have your amygdala, your hippocampus, You have all these other structures,
which by the way, the, the Mohawk runs right next to these structures, right?
(04:50):
So we're talking about, you're having balance problems, coordination problems,
because you're not able to sense these things.
That also makes more sense that you're not able to control your behaviors.
So in a car with no driver, right?
Exactly. So last week, I actually was talking about an instance where I experienced
(05:15):
somebody basically degrading me and talking about how I think I know everything because I'm a coach.
And it was all because her children were rude to me.
And I looked at her to see what she would say. She was like,
I love how they express themselves.
And I'm like, no, that's disrespectful. respectful.
(05:38):
Sometimes, you know, you just sit there and you're like, like, is this thing on? Hello?
Testing, testing, one, two, three, you know? So me being me,
I'm like, okay, well, if you're not going to say something to them,
I'm like, I think you need to understand that you, you shouldn't be talking to people that way.
Not just because I'm an adult, but as an individual, you know,
(06:01):
you don't degrade people like that.
So she took that as, I'm going to degrade you,
talk about your business talk about how you're nothing talk
about your kids like just went off on me right and for days I lost all sense
of self like I just sat there and I was like numb I had this foggy brain and
(06:22):
I was like what's going on like I tried to meditate I tried to do yoga so.
In that instance, through that process, I should rather say,
I had to really think about like, what is going on?
Is it something where I'm upset with this lady or is it something deeper?
(06:43):
And that's when I realized it was because my business, I wasn't even doing my
business the way that it's supposed to do. Right.
Because when we know we're supposed to be doing something the way we're supposed
to be doing it, somebody can say something to you and you're like, cool, I'm glad. So true.
(07:04):
Cool story, bro. Moving on, you know, and and I I was like that,
you know, at the beginning.
But lately I'm like, oh, like anything that somebody says, I'm like,
oh, my gosh, is that is that not right?
Am I not doing this right? You know, totally questioning everything.
And then I was like, wait, that's not even what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm supposed to be helping people at low prices, not high prices.
(07:28):
I'm supposed to be giving them all this knowledge and giving them all the tools
to be able to work on themselves inside and out and be able to move through these things.
And I was like, well, I took that as thanks lady.
Cause we can take any situation how we want to.
(07:49):
And I took that as my aha moment of, I need to get back to my sense of self.
And that was so mature. So those of y'all who are watching, I don't care if
you've been coaching for like six months or if you've been coaching for six
years or you've never coached at all, The ability to take feedback is the most
(08:10):
inspiring piece of any human, and it never changes.
I don't care the most professional Mahatma Gandhi.
I am quite certain got feedback late in life that he either chose to internalize and work on.
And I don't mean that in a bad way to internalize it and use that energy,
or he chose to get resentful and hurtful, and it will definitely create a blind spot.
(08:31):
So you chose to internalize it and use it.
Yeah. And, you know, I even apologized to the lady and everybody was like,
well, like, why are you why are you apologizing to her?
She went off on you. And I was like, right.
But at the same time, that was my perception of her children and where I don't
(08:51):
think this is right or this, you know, I don't.
What I think is that everybody has their own sense of self. Everybody has their own journey.
And if I'm there to help people, me sitting there and telling her kids what
to do is basically her losing that control.
(09:13):
And if she was that triggered by me telling her kids something,
then she's obviously got her own stuff going on.
And that's not giving her that response. it's literally pushing her further
from when wanting to get help.
Right. So right on. So for, I'm very emotional.
(09:34):
I'm, I'm more like what most people would do women than a man, right?
I grew up with three sisters and a mom. My dad was very absent.
So it was a female household until my brother was came along and I was 15. So that was a long time.
So even though I was the oldest, I'm very feminine. So this next little trick
or tool really helped me.
And I've watched it help a lot of women with feedback because feedback,
(09:56):
especially woman to woman can be very touchy thing or even meet, right?
I learned a long time ago, do not get involved in my sister's fights.
The minute I get involved, right? I'm like a one-armed man with their emotions.
I am not able to process at the speed. And it's just the way it is guys.
If you don't like it, it's just true. But maybe some of you can keep up.
It's just highly unlikely. It starts at age three and moves on. Right?
(10:18):
So I learned not to get involved in that, that. But this tool really helped me.
They call a ticket for that train. So imagine that a train's leaving my hometown,
Grand Junction, at three o'clock tomorrow afternoon, and I have a ticket to get on that train.
Here I am in Tombstone, Arizona, and no way to get there. How do I feel?
I feel anxious and I feel stressed. Three o'clock tomorrow is coming on us,
(10:38):
and I haven't a way to get there yet.
So even if I got in a pretty fast car or jumped on a plane, it seems unlikely
I'm I'm going to make it by three o'clock.
That's all those feelings, all those emotions. That's because I have a ticket for that train, right?
I imagine that same train is leaving the next day and I don't have a ticket
for it, right? So Thursday comes along.
What do I feel? Nothing.
(11:02):
When someone gives you feedback and you have a strong emotion,
you have a ticket for that train somewhere.
You chose to look at that ticket and go, she might be way off base.
Maybe she's reacting overreacting, maybe her trauma is triggering her,
but I'm also feeling emotions. Why?
If I am, there's, this has nothing to do with her. That just means a bomb went
(11:25):
off near me and my emotions responded.
And so your maturity to dig into that was so wise.
So if you're fighting with your sister or your mom, or I use women just because it's more common men.
Actually, I very often can get into this too. But the idea is that if I'm feeling
a strong emotion, there was something in that feedback. I have a ticket there somewhere.
(11:46):
Right. Cause you're right. If you don't have a ticket, you're like, yeah, cool story, bro.
I'm happy with my business. I love it. But you just didn't change your business.
So what direction are you going now?
So now it's a membership. It's just a membership.
Like I know people are like, oh, you should definitely do packages later on.
I'm like, no, no, because that's still not who I am genuinely.
(12:07):
And I remember the first thing that inspired me was my yoga, my yoga.
Instructor? Yeah. Yeah. The yoga institute that I'm from. Oh, yeah.
Okay. They're from, so mine is from India. So everything was online.
So yeah, it was very interesting trying to, cause they're like yelling at you,
(12:29):
you know, but with the Indian accent and you're just like, it's so funny.
It's so funny. And it's not to say anything like racist. I love it.
I love it because like, I love it because it's like, they're lecturing me,
but I can take it, you know? I'm all, yeah, totally. Totally.
And their packages are so cheap.
(12:50):
I think I got my yoga training 200 for $100.
And they had all these sales going. But still, the very first thing that they
open up with in their intro is people always ask us why we charge so little.
And they were like, Like, because we believe in what we're selling.
(13:14):
When you believe in what you're selling and why you're selling it,
you know, and that was for me,
I was like, I have to look back and see why I'm doing this because it gets very
frustrating because, you know, you're like, I really want to do this,
but I also need to pay bills.
I have to constantly remind myself that things happen the way that they should, as long as you accept.
(13:41):
And everything has been falling into place, meeting people, learning things, you know?
And one of my biggest problems is my Google, I've been trying to get live on
Google for like two months, right?
And the problem is, is that all I can have on there right now,
(14:02):
because I can't touch anything on my homepage, on my app until they approve it or deny it.
So i can't even modify it
so all you see when you open my app is
my free content you can't see my membership
and i was like that's people's whole model too they want free content
yeah right right and it's so frustrating because people i didn't understand
(14:25):
why people were like oh that's a cute app and then i looked and i was like oh
it's because all they see is my five-step free content and they're like cute
app dude and i'm like no no if you could see yeah yeah yeah yeah stuff up in there.
It is a lot more than just that. Right. But they can't see it obviously.
So it's like just, so I was like, okay, got to be resourceful in that end.
(14:49):
So now I'm going to work on my actual website that I, that I got from, that I built from Wix.
I started building it and then I just focused on my app and I was like,
okay, now it's time to work on the website because I can put everything on the
website with the link for the membership, everything.
And then that way people can see like this is
all the stuff I have I can have my podcast stuff on
(15:12):
there I can have all the links to my social media like I
can have everything on there and I'm like we always have to be resourceful but
you can't grow and learn and expand your mind if you're sitting there and you're
getting triggered by everything that everybody said and you're not able to learn from You're like,
(15:34):
like so many people were like, I wouldn't apologize to her.
You should have just ignored it. Just ignore it, girl.
And it's like, no, ignoring situations for me is the opposite of what I want
to. if you hadn't had a ticket for that train, you would have ignored her.
Or I mean, you just energetically would have been like, cool.
(15:55):
I'm sorry. You're having a bad day. Right. So maybe that's what they wanted
from you, but you knew you were hot.
And that was your ticket for that train. You're like, Nope, there's something
here for me. That's so mature. I wondered if we could ask your viewers, and this is.
Podcast, but we talked before the show about some sort of a way to help you
all directly, like some sort of a call in, or I don't know what that looks like,
(16:18):
but I would love to know what your viewers think about that.
Again, Angela and I are just spitting and trying to figure out ways to help people more directly.
I have no idea what that looks like. Maybe like you can call in and tell us
what's going on with, I have people message me almost daily.
I dealt with a near near suicidal situation this last week.
(16:38):
And so that does not usually come with a charge. If somebody reaches out and
goes, you know, I know you coach and I feel like I might end it.
And this is why then we work, we work.
I'm not going to say, you know, Oh, I called the suicide hotline and they,
they hung up on me or they put me on hold or they wanted to see my credit card.
Right. It doesn't work that way.
So I guess that's my ideas is if you're struggling and you want to walk through
(17:00):
something, how would that work for you?
If you're one of Angela's viewers and you would like support?
What would that look like for you?
Yes, definitely. I want to hear more from you guys.
You can go onto my TikTok, which I'm under there as Audacious Queen,
but I'm also Angela Spooner.
You can go on my Instagram, which is you.unabashedly.
(17:25):
You can go on these platforms. You can go to my Facebook, which is Angela Spooner,
but you can also go onto the business page, which is unabashedly you.
So there's all these different platforms and areas that you are able to communicate,
or you can just send me a comment on the pot on pod bean, which don't forget
(17:45):
to follow like anything. Okay.
Music.
Everyone we have some exciting news for you
(18:07):
we as in me myself and i i am
switching up my app so all
my six week challenge content and more are going to be easily accessible to
you in my confident queen membership at 49 if you're listening to this podcast you already
(18:32):
fucking know why that's all
I have to say so hit me
up let me know because this is
a pretty golden opportunity you get your confidence in seven method blast fat
guide the six week um videos for the crash course but you'll also be getting
(18:56):
prompts you'll be still be getting live
coaching sessions, live yoga sessions, mindfulness.
We are going to make this so much fun. We're even going to have like a game,
like mindfulness games.
Like we have a metal meditation, um, jeopardy, and it's all going to be easily
(19:19):
accessible on our zoom sessions.
It's gonna be so much fun i cannot wait to get started on this it starts july
1st so let me know oh also i have a seven day free trial thanks have a good day.
Music.
(19:51):
Need more info so that we know how to help.
I can't help you. I tell my kids all the time, I can't help you unless you use
your words because we can't read your mind. We can't read anybody's mind.
And that's the biggest problem is that people get in this sense of you need
to know what I'm thinking.
(20:11):
And it's like, no, no, there's no way with all the people in billions and billions
millions of people in the world, and you want me to know your specific brain.
There's no way to know that until we know your patterns, we know your past,
we know the issues that you have, the issues that you think you don't have,
(20:31):
but really do have those different things.
We can never actually help you in the way that you specifically need.
And here's what happens, especially, well, it doesn't matter both sides of the fence.
Here's what happens if your spouse or partner or friend is one of those people
that wants you to read their mind.
And more of us are than we want to admit, right? Because we may say,
(20:53):
oh, no, I don't. But when we show up in relationship, we're not actually using our words.
We are kind of expecting them to read our minds. Here's what happens.
If you expect the other person to read your mind, they're going to project hard, right?
In other words, I'm going to read Angela's mind as if she's a man that grew
up abused by his mom, et cetera.
Can you see immediately the problem with me reading Angela's mind,
(21:16):
it will be so far off from Angela's actual experiences that I will be just wrong.
And then I'll start giving Angela things that she doesn't want.
And she'll be resentful or unaware.
And I'll be resentful because what I tried to help her with or give her was
what I wanted, not what she wanted.
But if she uses her words and tells me that, oh, and if I listen and if I listen.
(21:39):
And that's exactly it. But it's so true that you have to connect with yourself
on a daily basis, which is why I built my app.
Because just sitting there, it's like, and I explain it this way.
It's like, we talked about the lower brain and the upper brain, right? Right.
(22:01):
And I explained it as lower level and upper level of a house.
And you have the staircase and you have that box that's in the way of this in
the way that you're said trauma. Right.
So you can't go over it. You can't go around it. Can't go through it, Dora.
So what do you have to do? You have to build a whole new staircase to be able
(22:21):
to get up there. This is what people do.
And this is one of the things that that lady had told me, which I should have if I had been there.
Yes. And like, oh, that's what's going on.
Anytime I would mention my coaching, I'd mentioned yoga.
(22:42):
I mentioned running at one point. And how important like running was for me,
because when I'm really like foggy in my brain, running is so beneficial,
because it really opens my mind, right?
It expands me, it gets that oxygen flowing in your body. It helps your body
regulate because you have to be able to coordinate in order to run.
(23:04):
Right. And so you're literally working your brain while you're working your body.
And so I'm talking to her about that. And she was like, actually,
I think I've done so much yoga and meditation and running that I'm actually good.
That is every, every person in any form of mental health or self-help or self-awareness.
(23:28):
That is the number one scariest thing that we hear is I'm actually good.
There's no learning there. Good God. Right.
Because what you've done essentially is you've told this whole thing,
this whole staircase that you've been building, right? Right.
(23:50):
Your brain has been working hard to build these new neural pathways.
You've essentially told that space, I'm actually good and I don't need this anymore.
Right. Or let's go back to why that is. So my mom knew everything.
Right. My my most abusive person in my life knew it all.
And one of the reasons that I would say I'm good is because when that person
(24:14):
brought me good information.
Right. Because when you're eight, 10, 12, your mom has good information.
There's just no way around that as a mom you know
that like you can see where your 13 year old or
14 year old is headed before she can because that's just
how it life is but if that is a person that you have
been traumatized by even our kids would speak to this we don't receive it very
(24:35):
well right so you're coming full circle to what if my abuser had something good
to give me would i receive it no of course not not when i was being abused all
those walls came up and so now if anyone says,
oh, you really think you're something.
I hear my mom's voice. I don't even hear that person. I go right back.
And then all those walls come up. And like you said, that block in the staircase
(24:58):
separates the upstairs from the downstairs.
My body's in fight or flight. And I'm like, bitch, you can just take a fucking walk.
And I may not say that, but that's all my energy and I'll get nothing from them.
Well, and here's the thing. Here's the thing, right? How do we build that new staircase?
We build it by learning, growing continuously, yoga, mindfulness,
(25:21):
meditation, running, working out.
We build them communicating, journaling, learning again, learning, growing again.
It is a continuous thing.
And when you You have that new staircase built and then you're like,
actually, I'm good. So I don't have to do that anymore.
(25:42):
Where's your brain going to default back to?
They're bringing defaults back to the original one because it's known it for so many years.
Actually, that's my tried and true, right? Wrong.
But that is literally, if you are not continuously working on this staircase.
(26:03):
You're going to automatically go into that other staircase because it is ingrained
into your mind for so many years, right?
We're getting on something big. Big. So a lot of the people that I coach,
I'm coaching to reconciliation.
I'm coaching to peace and mercy and forgiveness because for most of us,
we're going to be able to heal that relationship.
(26:23):
That's the most common. For those of you who had severe trauma like I did,
or my wife did, you may end up needing to stay away from the original abuser
because you might just, you mentioned it, that rut, right?
That staircase was built, designed, and practiced by me and my mom for 27 years.
That's a very long time. A lot of kids would have left home way before that
(26:44):
and not develop such a rut.
So me and my mom are not a great relationship because I'll just go right back to that staircase.
My wife has watched it in real time as a 40-year-old man.
It's not very respect-driven, right? It's a horrible place.
So for those of you who have that extreme trauma, only you can decide,
can I reconcile, forgive, and rebuild something better with this person,
(27:06):
or maybe this person will always put me on that old staircase that I do not want to be on.
So only you know your journey, only you know where you are on that continuum.
Exactly. And it's funny that you mentioned that because I was actually,
so when I was reading the chapter, Colt mentions a woman in there, right?
And he talks about how when she was younger, her mom had a lot of like foster
(27:32):
kids and would continuously talk down to her and be like, you're not a part of this family.
You don't even go here. You don't even, yeah. Yeah. And so she was getting a lot of this, right?
She goes on vacation when she's a little older and she ends up getting kidnapped
by a guy and he continuously is like raping her in her,
(27:55):
in his home until she realizes I can break free from this guy and run away.
And she does. And so then she's trying to get all this therapy.
Her parent, her mom is just like, doesn't even care that all this stuff happened to her.
Right. And then it's the same energy. So why would she care?
(28:15):
Right. Right. And so she is trying to do all these different modalities that she's being taught.
Right. She goes to a therapist. The therapist tells her she's kicking.
So she's constantly picking and she can't stop picking.
Right. And she's like, I want to stop, but I can't. Right.
(28:36):
And it's because she has no sense of self. she's
dissociated from her sense
of self and so she doesn't even feel these
feelings right because none of it
is registering in her brain so what
her therapist tells her is you have to stop doing this or you can't see me gives
(29:02):
her an ultimatum and if anybody if anybody's tried anything right Right. That doesn't work.
Oh, it's like the kids. You can't have those emotions towards this scenario.
Like, no, it doesn't work.
Helping your kids will tell you, well, I guess they won't have that thing then.
Right. They're going to regret it later on.
(29:24):
But they're still going to say it because they've lost that sense of self and
they've lost that control of themselves.
And so the only way that they think that they can gain that control is by doing the complete opposite.
Plus, if you can't control it, having somebody tell you to control it,
(29:44):
it's not going to change the fact that your brain doesn't work that way.
I love that nowhere in the history of calming down has asking a woman to calm
down ever calmed her down, right? Great.
Just calm down. Oh, that'll work. If you've ever tried it, that'll work great.
My goodness. I had one of my exes. He would do that all, drove me insane.
Angela, just calm down. Just take it. Hey, it's going to be okay,
(30:07):
right? You just got to let loose about it.
First of all, I'm going to punch you in your chest.
So let's get that out of the way. Let me just go ahead and let you know.
They're going to like the same schools or something. Cause that's exactly what my life.
Right. Right. It's our defense mechanism. You're not going to tell me how or
(30:29):
when to feel my, I mean, I still do it.
You know, I will sit there and if somebody's telling me like,
Angela, you need, you need to be okay with this.
You need to like the whole situation with that woman, people telling me you
need to just be okay with it. Just ignore it. It's just her words.
And I'm like, no, you don't get to tell me how I'm going to feel.
(30:50):
You don't get to tell me when I can have emotions or not.
Maybe they're irrational, maybe they're not, but my feelings are valid and I
worked my butt off to be able to see and accept that I have feelings in general.
So if I have these feelings, the first thing I need to do is accept that I have
these feelings so then I can figure out why I'm having such strong emotions
(31:14):
and feelings about this and work through it the way that I know it's best as.
A coach and an instructor and a yoga instructor and a mindful meditation, right?
Yeah. We have time to do like an advanced level. We just talked about something
that's another piece of emotional control or, or, or self-awareness and that is the thermostat.
(31:38):
So we talked about telling a woman to calm down.
Okay. So we just listed something that definitely does not work telling a man to calm down.
It does not matter if it's a woman or a man, right? If If a man is really fired
up just to, honey, just calm down, he's going to put his, he might not hit you
if his mom trained him not to do that, but he'd put his fist through a wall, right?
Many of you have seen that happen. So good for him. He didn't hit a woman,
(31:59):
but the anger doesn't matter, right?
If you're watching that, it doesn't make you feel any better that he didn't hit you.
He's upset. So if you are sensing, you touched on feeling it's warm in here, right?
When your emotions flared up, you now can sense that it's warm in here.
That's a big step for you. The staircase is open.
You got to have the feeling. If you want to shift someone else's emotion,
(32:20):
they need to calm down and you want them to calm down, right?
Yelling from the other room, hey, turn the thermostat down.
One, I'm not sure they know where their thermostat is. Right.
Ordering them to do that is very unlikely. You're trouncing on their sense of self.
So they may just go, yeah, it's fucking hot in here. I like it hot in here. Fuck off. Right.
(32:44):
If you really want to lower the thermostat in a situation, the only thermostat you can reach is yours.
This is where we get into some Eastern stuff that is really powerful.
We don't practice it here much in the West. And that is, if I want you to calm, I must calm. Yes.
The instant your thermostat went up and I was close to you, I felt the heat.
(33:06):
If I let mine rise, angels just calm the fuck down. That is absolutely fanning the flames.
It's going to make it absolutely worse because I let my thermostat rise to the heat.
So the only thing I can do, you're coming at me, hook, line,
and sinker, I'm going to go to my thermostat and go, wow, it got really hot in here.
(33:27):
I'm going to let those words come in and just let them go out.
I'm going to calm and ground because that's what we need.
Yes, exactly. Exactly. Telling Angela, that's what she needs.
You can all see how that's going to end. Right.
Right. All thermostats are going up because now she's going to start lobbing
stuff at me going, it's fucking hot in here and you should be hot too.
(33:51):
Literally. I know what buttons to push.
Right. Right. You're like, all right, well you asked for it, right?
You're like, you asked for it. You want to deal with this? Let's do this. Let's do this. Right.
You're like, I stretched in everything.
Like, like, let's do this.
(34:12):
Start cracking your neck you know you're like
earrings coming out okay and for
those of us who are more like angela's definitely like my wife we
call them dominance like they're like the first answer is pissed and fight let's
do this for those of you who are more like me who first answer is flight and
and peaceful we're still if we're still internally turning that thermostat up
(34:35):
yes we may be more manipulative and more flow with in our response but if inside side,
my guts are churning. My heart is tough. My chest is tight.
I'm guaranteeing you the other
person is feeling that you're still not turning your thermostat down.
Right. And it's like we were talking about with our last one,
right? We have those three stages, right?
We're asking, we don't get it. Then we're asking, we're doing the fight or flight.
(35:00):
And then we start disassociating, shutting down.
Right. So when you're in that second stage, there's a reason and it's called fight or flight, right?
People sit there and they say, well, I don't want to fight. I don't want to
fight. I just want peace.
You're still, you're still in that second response because what you are doing
essentially is you're still not able to control what you're doing.
(35:24):
And so you're fighting or you're flighting, right?
If I really turn the thermostat down, I can look at Angela and go and say,
oh, well, maybe you have a point somewhere in all of this.
Maybe without the bar, maybe like, okay, so what are you trying to say?
Because I do want to hear you. Now the thermostat in me is down and I'll bet
(35:46):
you anything her next statement is going to be, I don't know.
Usually she's frustrated because something's not jiving, but now we're solving.
Now we're getting to a solution.
Maybe because I'm not running and just putting up a the wall.
Fills that flight in me as like, wait, I wanted to solve a problem.
I'm ready to fight. You're flighting. So we're not solving anything.
(36:08):
I'll just be here again tomorrow, like, or next week.
Which is why that, which is why you learn from each and every experience. Yes. Like you did. Yes.
You sit there and you learn and you grow because what happens is,
is you through that process, you realize, wow, I'm actually able to process
(36:31):
this in a more healthy way.
And you can validate yourself in that and tell yourself, even though you feel
like you failed because you reacted because I was pissed, you know,
and I, I actually, I did flight.
I did flight instead of fight. Cause I was like, there's kids around.
We're not going to do that.
And she's like getting in my face. And I was like, all right,
(36:52):
here's the thing. I have to force myself to cry now.
Cause if I force myself to cry, you, you've reached that barrier where it's no longer fight.
Right. And then you're like, okay, flight, here we go.
And I was crying and she started making fun of me for that. And yeah.
And was like telling her kids, she was like, remember kids.
(37:15):
Cause I told her, I said, we need to be decent human beings.
We need to teach our kids to be decent human beings.
And she like looked at the kids and she looked at me and she made this like snarky face.
And she was like, don't forget to be kind and loving.
And I was like, good God, does she understand what she's teaching our kids just
by your facial reaction?
(37:35):
You know, you're looking at them and showing them that you think it's disgusting to be kind.
And so through that, I was It was like, wow.
I need to react better in these situations, not because, not because I need
to fight for my honor, but I need to sit there and be some sort of example,
(37:58):
you know, and if she's giving this other thing off,
this other like personality and, and understanding of the importance of kindness
and lack thereof, in her opinion, I need to show that I can be kind even in these situations.
(38:19):
And that's where people didn't understand why I apologized to her because I
looked at it as she must have been very hurt when she was younger and she must
really think it's that disgusting and weak to be loving and kind.
And I just had this compassion for her and for her kids, because that's,
(38:43):
that's a very sad, lonely way to live that I used to live.
And when we can look at it from that perspective, we're like,
wow, our growth is so much greater, you know, because when you have those emotions,
you're like, oh my goodness, why do I even have a business?
I can't even control myself. And you sit there and you're like,
(39:05):
oh, wait, I'm not perfect.
That's now I remember. The other thing for those of you who are super emotional
and experience what Angela really neatly walked through, and that is the thermostat
goes up and you're even judging yourself in that moment going,
why am I ready to knock this bitch's face off?
Because you're feeling that it's on in here. And you're like,
I thought I had control of this. Like, I didn't think this was going to happen anymore.
(39:28):
If you want to step into it, it's like, yeah, but your thermostat's working, right?
If that didn't get hot, ever, we'd be like, are you alive? Like.
Yes eventually you're going to get to that place where very few
things bother you and you can just deal with it and
be the adult and but it it's it's consoling
and it's even healthy if you stepped from trauma
(39:51):
and drama and that staircase being
broken your thermostat's still working right
the alternative is numbness i mean that's like a far far way down the staircase
is when there's numbness no response nothing bothers you you're super alive
knowing your thermostat went up like that now you just get to control it right
(40:13):
exactly exactly so the next time you lose your shit people,
just think is i'm alive now what do with this hot mess i'm alive and i'm still
kicking and breathing and you're fucked up and it's not fucked up tried and
true i have a hard deadline of nine minutes from now. And you know that.
(40:35):
So I want to give you whatever you need to close this show out.
I'm going to shut up and stop offering any help.
So I guess I'll end up with an end with just what was I going to say?
That's what I'm going to end it. I really liked, by the way,
I liked your, your very nerdy descriptions of the pieces of the brain and the
(40:56):
Mohawk. Like I've never heard any of that.
I've been coaching a long time, And it really resonates with how I and how I feel.
Think about mother cats picking up their kittens by the neck.
Think about how many predators grab their prey by the neck. Right.
They're grabbing yourself, yourself.
Not interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And it's very, it's very, it is very interesting
(41:19):
to just be able to understand it.
And that's, that's the uniqueness of the way that I teach things,
you know, because Because, yeah, there's all these mental health.
And like one of my clients, this is what got me when I was talking to her about
my membership, about the possibility of starting the membership.
(41:39):
And I said, I want to know your thoughts. Right. And we talked about this before the recording.
I hadn't gotten much feedback from them on all the stuff that I had taught them. Right.
And I was like, OK, like, I'm just going to open up and ask them,
like, I want to hear from you.
What are you learning from this? What are you? And the one thing that really
(42:00):
stuck with me was my client told me, Angela, you're,
I can learn this stuff anywhere. I have books left and right.
The whole reason I signed up for your program was because I enjoy being in your energy.
And then that hit me. I was like, sometimes we forget the power of our calling.
(42:26):
Right. And so I remember when I was doing my coaching training.
And there was this moment where I had turned a client from like thinking so
horribly about themselves to being like, wait.
I, it is possible for change and it is possible for these things.
(42:48):
And just seeing like the kind of questions, like I dug deep because I am raw,
You know, and they even told me afterwards, they're like, wow,
that was like really raw and like really triggering.
But also at the same time, I just wanted to keep going because you made me feel
(43:08):
like it was a safe space to do that.
And so that was really, that really hit me when she said that.
I was like, wow, I really do have a way with words. Like, and that's not to
say like my ego needs boosting.
It's more so of, I, some people are meant to do things in the background.
(43:32):
Some people are meant to be these other sources, right?
They do stuff in the background, which is just as important as what I do.
Yep. Yep. But knowing what you are called to, and I've always been told,
like, I have a loud voice and I, you know, I'm very passionate.
Yeah. And that, that is my superpower in my training because I can make you
(43:58):
feel more than I can teach you.
I'm not going to sit there and say all these highfalutin words and be like, go figure it out.
I mean, I learned how to, I learned about the hippocampus by saying that hippo
is camping on our brains because why do we take our memories?
And what happens is the hippocampus actually shrinks with PTSD.
(44:22):
And so I was like, that's perfect. That hippo is camping on us.
And what happens when you're sitting all the time and you're not working,
you're going to lose it, right? If you don't use it, you lose it.
And so our memories, that's how our memories with trauma are gone.
And those kind of ways, even in nursing school, I learned these fun,
(44:46):
interactive ways of learning things.
And I'm like, this is what I was meant for.
This is what I was meant for. I was always, I've always been told you should be a teacher.
You should be, you know, somebody that's giving this information.
I'm like, this is what I was meant to do.
Well, I hope you keep doing it and I hope you continue to do it with me.
(45:07):
I enjoy the partnership.
As you know, my wife is a coach. She's just not, she's got so many irons in
the fire and she's like a butterfly. She's floating from this to this, this.
So I appreciate being able to work with another woman who has coaching at her
core and I just really appreciate it. So thank you for having me on again. Thank you.
And I really appreciate you coming on and giving your insight.
(45:27):
I love our talks. I hope our followers love our talks.
I say ours like it's our podcast, but I hope that they love these talks and I hope that we're able.
Now we are talking about doing some live streaming where we can have some calls coming in.
Guys, just bear with us on that.
(45:48):
I will give you more information as I am aware of how to do that.
So I look forward to working with Joshua more.
I think that we both give good insight on both viewpoints.
And thank you so much. You guys have a great rest of your week. We'll see you next time.
Music.
(00:13):
Hello and welcome to the Who the Fuck is in the Mirror podcast.
I'm Angela Spooner, your host, emotional intelligence guide,
trauma-informed coach, yoga instructor,
confident, badass single mom of three amazing children, and founder of Unabashedly You.
This podcast is all about using books,
(00:37):
analogies, and metaphors to dive
deep into who you really are to
yourselves not just as parents or some fictional
version others made you out to be right but
who the fuck you are i want you to find your confidently badass secure version
of you that you've lost along the way or maybe you never even had in the first
(01:01):
place because you were like busy with everyone and everything else does that sound about right?
So how about we get into the science of why we are a bunch of fucked up individuals
who look in the mirror and don't even recognize the person that's staring back.
(01:22):
Join me in the best journey you'll ever experience.
Why, you may ask? Because it is the journey to transform your self-doubt,
insecurity, and overall dysfunctional brain into self-aware badass confidence and understanding.
I hope you're as excited as I am because I cannot wait to get into this.
(01:48):
Music.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Who the Fuck is in the Mirror?
We have Joshua here, and we are doing our Fiction Intermission Part 3,
(02:12):
which, as we all know, is when I take a break from reading more and more content,
writing it down, explaining all of it.
It's really for me, guys, because I know you could just binge listen to me.
You're welcome. welcome but i like to
take those breaks because my mental stability depends on
(02:33):
it so we are going to actually
be talking about my last two episodes because
joshua i had to break this chapter losing your body losing yourself i had to
break it up into two podcasts which were 30 and 45 minutes long so for the show
angela was just giving i mean just and i'm like let's jump right into it because
(02:55):
I want to hear it for the first time with y'all.
So really, really kind of grabbed me. So you were talking about the Mohawk.
I don't know the right place to start, but let's just dive into it.
So the Mohawk is basically what, what Cole calls your default state network.
So this is where you have the insula, the parietal lobes and the anterior cingulate.
(03:18):
You guys don't have to remember that obviously, but these are basically the
areas of the brain that are connected. and process your feelings and sensations
from all parts of your body.
So they all have their different functions, but the main idea is that they all
take part in overall consciousness and our sense of self.
(03:41):
So when they did, they did this study, right? And it was a neuroimaging study.
And what they said was that in individuals with histories of chronic trauma,
the same regions show sharply decreased activity, making it difficult to register
internal states and assessing the personal relevance of incoming information.
(04:06):
That's so me. Like, really? Like, I didn't know that. that just,
that's a real breakthrough for me. I have a hard time dancing.
I have a hard time. I will die of an injury because I won't report it.
If that makes sense. Like I register pain, but not very well.
Right. Right. And it's, and it's definitely all encompassed,
(04:29):
you know, and I never really understood it because you're thinking you're talking
about, so we have all the different, all the different structures, right?
You have your amygdala, your hippocampus, You have all these other structures,
which by the way, the, the Mohawk runs right next to these structures, right?
(04:50):
So we're talking about, you're having balance problems, coordination problems,
because you're not able to sense these things.
That also makes more sense that you're not able to control your behaviors.
So in a car with no driver, right?
Exactly. So last week, I actually was talking about an instance where I experienced
(05:15):
somebody basically degrading me and talking about how I think I know everything because I'm a coach.
And it was all because her children were rude to me.
And I looked at her to see what she would say. She was like,
I love how they express themselves.
And I'm like, no, that's disrespectful. respectful.
(05:38):
Sometimes, you know, you just sit there and you're like, like, is this thing on? Hello?
Testing, testing, one, two, three, you know? So me being me,
I'm like, okay, well, if you're not going to say something to them,
I'm like, I think you need to understand that you, you shouldn't be talking to people that way.
Not just because I'm an adult, but as an individual, you know,
(06:01):
you don't degrade people like that.
So she took that as, I'm going to degrade you,
talk about your business talk about how you're nothing talk
about your kids like just went off on me right and for days I lost all sense
of self like I just sat there and I was like numb I had this foggy brain and
(06:22):
I was like what's going on like I tried to meditate I tried to do yoga so.
In that instance, through that process, I should rather say,
I had to really think about like, what is going on?
Is it something where I'm upset with this lady or is it something deeper?
(06:43):
And that's when I realized it was because my business, I wasn't even doing my
business the way that it's supposed to do. Right.
Because when we know we're supposed to be doing something the way we're supposed
to be doing it, somebody can say something to you and you're like, cool, I'm glad. So true.
(07:04):
Cool story, bro. Moving on, you know, and and I I was like that,
you know, at the beginning.
But lately I'm like, oh, like anything that somebody says, I'm like,
oh, my gosh, is that is that not right?
Am I not doing this right? You know, totally questioning everything.
And then I was like, wait, that's not even what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm supposed to be helping people at low prices, not high prices.
(07:28):
I'm supposed to be giving them all this knowledge and giving them all the tools
to be able to work on themselves inside and out and be able to move through these things.
And I was like, well, I took that as thanks lady.
Cause we can take any situation how we want to.
(07:49):
And I took that as my aha moment of, I need to get back to my sense of self.
And that was so mature. So those of y'all who are watching, I don't care if
you've been coaching for like six months or if you've been coaching for six
years or you've never coached at all, The ability to take feedback is the most
(08:10):
inspiring piece of any human, and it never changes.
I don't care the most professional Mahatma Gandhi.
I am quite certain got feedback late in life that he either chose to internalize and work on.
And I don't mean that in a bad way to internalize it and use that energy,
or he chose to get resentful and hurtful, and it will definitely create a blind spot.
(08:31):
So you chose to internalize it and use it.
Yeah. And, you know, I even apologized to the lady and everybody was like,
well, like, why are you why are you apologizing to her?
She went off on you. And I was like, right.
But at the same time, that was my perception of her children and where I don't
(08:51):
think this is right or this, you know, I don't.
What I think is that everybody has their own sense of self. Everybody has their own journey.
And if I'm there to help people, me sitting there and telling her kids what
to do is basically her losing that control.
(09:13):
And if she was that triggered by me telling her kids something,
then she's obviously got her own stuff going on.
And that's not giving her that response. it's literally pushing her further
from when wanting to get help.
Right. So right on. So for, I'm very emotional.
(09:34):
I'm, I'm more like what most people would do women than a man, right?
I grew up with three sisters and a mom. My dad was very absent.
So it was a female household until my brother was came along and I was 15. So that was a long time.
So even though I was the oldest, I'm very feminine. So this next little trick
or tool really helped me.
And I've watched it help a lot of women with feedback because feedback,
(09:56):
especially woman to woman can be very touchy thing or even meet, right?
I learned a long time ago, do not get involved in my sister's fights.
The minute I get involved, right? I'm like a one-armed man with their emotions.
I am not able to process at the speed. And it's just the way it is guys.
If you don't like it, it's just true. But maybe some of you can keep up.
It's just highly unlikely. It starts at age three and moves on. Right?
(10:18):
So I learned not to get involved in that, that. But this tool really helped me.
They call a ticket for that train. So imagine that a train's leaving my hometown,
Grand Junction, at three o'clock tomorrow afternoon, and I have a ticket to get on that train.
Here I am in Tombstone, Arizona, and no way to get there. How do I feel?
I feel anxious and I feel stressed. Three o'clock tomorrow is coming on us,
(10:38):
and I haven't a way to get there yet.
So even if I got in a pretty fast car or jumped on a plane, it seems unlikely
I'm I'm going to make it by three o'clock.
That's all those feelings, all those emotions. That's because I have a ticket for that train, right?
I imagine that same train is leaving the next day and I don't have a ticket
for it, right? So Thursday comes along.
What do I feel? Nothing.
(11:02):
When someone gives you feedback and you have a strong emotion,
you have a ticket for that train somewhere.
You chose to look at that ticket and go, she might be way off base.
Maybe she's reacting overreacting, maybe her trauma is triggering her,
but I'm also feeling emotions. Why?
If I am, there's, this has nothing to do with her. That just means a bomb went
(11:25):
off near me and my emotions responded.
And so your maturity to dig into that was so wise.
So if you're fighting with your sister or your mom, or I use women just because it's more common men.
Actually, I very often can get into this too. But the idea is that if I'm feeling
a strong emotion, there was something in that feedback. I have a ticket there somewhere.
(11:46):
Right. Cause you're right. If you don't have a ticket, you're like, yeah, cool story, bro.
I'm happy with my business. I love it. But you just didn't change your business.
So what direction are you going now?
So now it's a membership. It's just a membership.
Like I know people are like, oh, you should definitely do packages later on.
I'm like, no, no, because that's still not who I am genuinely.
(12:07):
And I remember the first thing that inspired me was my yoga, my yoga.
Instructor? Yeah. Yeah. The yoga institute that I'm from. Oh, yeah.
Okay. They're from, so mine is from India. So everything was online.
So yeah, it was very interesting trying to, cause they're like yelling at you,
(12:29):
you know, but with the Indian accent and you're just like, it's so funny.
It's so funny. And it's not to say anything like racist. I love it.
I love it because like, I love it because it's like, they're lecturing me,
but I can take it, you know? I'm all, yeah, totally. Totally.
And their packages are so cheap.
(12:50):
I think I got my yoga training 200 for $100.
And they had all these sales going. But still, the very first thing that they
open up with in their intro is people always ask us why we charge so little.
And they were like, Like, because we believe in what we're selling.
(13:14):
When you believe in what you're selling and why you're selling it,
you know, and that was for me,
I was like, I have to look back and see why I'm doing this because it gets very
frustrating because, you know, you're like, I really want to do this,
but I also need to pay bills.
I have to constantly remind myself that things happen the way that they should, as long as you accept.
(13:41):
And everything has been falling into place, meeting people, learning things, you know?
And one of my biggest problems is my Google, I've been trying to get live on
Google for like two months, right?
And the problem is, is that all I can have on there right now,
(14:02):
because I can't touch anything on my homepage, on my app until they approve it or deny it.
So i can't even modify it
so all you see when you open my app is
my free content you can't see my membership
and i was like that's people's whole model too they want free content
yeah right right and it's so frustrating because people i didn't understand
(14:25):
why people were like oh that's a cute app and then i looked and i was like oh
it's because all they see is my five-step free content and they're like cute
app dude and i'm like no no if you could see yeah yeah yeah yeah stuff up in there.
It is a lot more than just that. Right. But they can't see it obviously.
So it's like just, so I was like, okay, got to be resourceful in that end.
(14:49):
So now I'm going to work on my actual website that I, that I got from, that I built from Wix.
I started building it and then I just focused on my app and I was like,
okay, now it's time to work on the website because I can put everything on the
website with the link for the membership, everything.
And then that way people can see like this is
all the stuff I have I can have my podcast stuff on
(15:12):
there I can have all the links to my social media like I
can have everything on there and I'm like we always have to be resourceful but
you can't grow and learn and expand your mind if you're sitting there and you're
getting triggered by everything that everybody said and you're not able to learn from You're like,
(15:34):
like so many people were like, I wouldn't apologize to her.
You should have just ignored it. Just ignore it, girl.
And it's like, no, ignoring situations for me is the opposite of what I want
to. if you hadn't had a ticket for that train, you would have ignored her.
Or I mean, you just energetically would have been like, cool.
(15:55):
I'm sorry. You're having a bad day. Right. So maybe that's what they wanted
from you, but you knew you were hot.
And that was your ticket for that train. You're like, Nope, there's something
here for me. That's so mature. I wondered if we could ask your viewers, and this is.
Podcast, but we talked before the show about some sort of a way to help you
all directly, like some sort of a call in, or I don't know what that looks like,
(16:18):
but I would love to know what your viewers think about that.
Again, Angela and I are just spitting and trying to figure out ways to help people more directly.
I have no idea what that looks like. Maybe like you can call in and tell us
what's going on with, I have people message me almost daily.
I dealt with a near near suicidal situation this last week.
(16:38):
And so that does not usually come with a charge. If somebody reaches out and
goes, you know, I know you coach and I feel like I might end it.
And this is why then we work, we work.
I'm not going to say, you know, Oh, I called the suicide hotline and they,
they hung up on me or they put me on hold or they wanted to see my credit card.
Right. It doesn't work that way.
So I guess that's my ideas is if you're struggling and you want to walk through
(17:00):
something, how would that work for you?
If you're one of Angela's viewers and you would like support?
What would that look like for you?
Yes, definitely. I want to hear more from you guys.
You can go onto my TikTok, which I'm under there as Audacious Queen,
but I'm also Angela Spooner.
You can go on my Instagram, which is you.unabashedly.
(17:25):
You can go on these platforms. You can go to my Facebook, which is Angela Spooner,
but you can also go onto the business page, which is unabashedly you.
So there's all these different platforms and areas that you are able to communicate,
or you can just send me a comment on the pot on pod bean, which don't forget
(17:45):
to follow like anything. Okay.
Music.
Everyone we have some exciting news for you
(18:07):
we as in me myself and i i am
switching up my app so all
my six week challenge content and more are going to be easily accessible to
you in my confident queen membership at 49 if you're listening to this podcast you already
(18:32):
fucking know why that's all
I have to say so hit me
up let me know because this is
a pretty golden opportunity you get your confidence in seven method blast fat
guide the six week um videos for the crash course but you'll also be getting
(18:56):
prompts you'll be still be getting live
coaching sessions, live yoga sessions, mindfulness.
We are going to make this so much fun. We're even going to have like a game,
like mindfulness games.
Like we have a metal meditation, um, jeopardy, and it's all going to be easily
(19:19):
accessible on our zoom sessions.
It's gonna be so much fun i cannot wait to get started on this it starts july
1st so let me know oh also i have a seven day free trial thanks have a good day.
Music.
(19:51):
Need more info so that we know how to help.
I can't help you. I tell my kids all the time, I can't help you unless you use
your words because we can't read your mind. We can't read anybody's mind.
And that's the biggest problem is that people get in this sense of you need
to know what I'm thinking.
(20:11):
And it's like, no, no, there's no way with all the people in billions and billions
millions of people in the world, and you want me to know your specific brain.
There's no way to know that until we know your patterns, we know your past,
we know the issues that you have, the issues that you think you don't have,
(20:31):
but really do have those different things.
We can never actually help you in the way that you specifically need.
And here's what happens, especially, well, it doesn't matter both sides of the fence.
Here's what happens if your spouse or partner or friend is one of those people
that wants you to read their mind.
And more of us are than we want to admit, right? Because we may say,
(20:53):
oh, no, I don't. But when we show up in relationship, we're not actually using our words.
We are kind of expecting them to read our minds. Here's what happens.
If you expect the other person to read your mind, they're going to project hard, right?
In other words, I'm going to read Angela's mind as if she's a man that grew
up abused by his mom, et cetera.
Can you see immediately the problem with me reading Angela's mind,
(21:16):
it will be so far off from Angela's actual experiences that I will be just wrong.
And then I'll start giving Angela things that she doesn't want.
And she'll be resentful or unaware.
And I'll be resentful because what I tried to help her with or give her was
what I wanted, not what she wanted.
But if she uses her words and tells me that, oh, and if I listen and if I listen.
(21:39):
And that's exactly it. But it's so true that you have to connect with yourself
on a daily basis, which is why I built my app.
Because just sitting there, it's like, and I explain it this way.
It's like, we talked about the lower brain and the upper brain, right? Right.
(22:01):
And I explained it as lower level and upper level of a house.
And you have the staircase and you have that box that's in the way of this in
the way that you're said trauma. Right.
So you can't go over it. You can't go around it. Can't go through it, Dora.
So what do you have to do? You have to build a whole new staircase to be able
(22:21):
to get up there. This is what people do.
And this is one of the things that that lady had told me, which I should have if I had been there.
Yes. And like, oh, that's what's going on.
Anytime I would mention my coaching, I'd mentioned yoga.
(22:42):
I mentioned running at one point. And how important like running was for me,
because when I'm really like foggy in my brain, running is so beneficial,
because it really opens my mind, right?
It expands me, it gets that oxygen flowing in your body. It helps your body
regulate because you have to be able to coordinate in order to run.
(23:04):
Right. And so you're literally working your brain while you're working your body.
And so I'm talking to her about that. And she was like, actually,
I think I've done so much yoga and meditation and running that I'm actually good.
That is every, every person in any form of mental health or self-help or self-awareness.
(23:28):
That is the number one scariest thing that we hear is I'm actually good.
There's no learning there. Good God. Right.
Because what you've done essentially is you've told this whole thing,
this whole staircase that you've been building, right? Right.
(23:50):
Your brain has been working hard to build these new neural pathways.
You've essentially told that space, I'm actually good and I don't need this anymore.
Right. Or let's go back to why that is. So my mom knew everything.
Right. My my most abusive person in my life knew it all.
And one of the reasons that I would say I'm good is because when that person
(24:14):
brought me good information.
Right. Because when you're eight, 10, 12, your mom has good information.
There's just no way around that as a mom you know
that like you can see where your 13 year old or
14 year old is headed before she can because that's just
how it life is but if that is a person that you have
been traumatized by even our kids would speak to this we don't receive it very
(24:35):
well right so you're coming full circle to what if my abuser had something good
to give me would i receive it no of course not not when i was being abused all
those walls came up and so now if anyone says,
oh, you really think you're something.
I hear my mom's voice. I don't even hear that person. I go right back.
And then all those walls come up. And like you said, that block in the staircase
(24:58):
separates the upstairs from the downstairs.
My body's in fight or flight. And I'm like, bitch, you can just take a fucking walk.
And I may not say that, but that's all my energy and I'll get nothing from them.
Well, and here's the thing. Here's the thing, right? How do we build that new staircase?
We build it by learning, growing continuously, yoga, mindfulness,
(25:21):
meditation, running, working out.
We build them communicating, journaling, learning again, learning, growing again.
It is a continuous thing.
And when you You have that new staircase built and then you're like,
actually, I'm good. So I don't have to do that anymore.
(25:42):
Where's your brain going to default back to?
They're bringing defaults back to the original one because it's known it for so many years.
Actually, that's my tried and true, right? Wrong.
But that is literally, if you are not continuously working on this staircase.
(26:03):
You're going to automatically go into that other staircase because it is ingrained
into your mind for so many years, right?
We're getting on something big. Big. So a lot of the people that I coach,
I'm coaching to reconciliation.
I'm coaching to peace and mercy and forgiveness because for most of us,
we're going to be able to heal that relationship.
(26:23):
That's the most common. For those of you who had severe trauma like I did,
or my wife did, you may end up needing to stay away from the original abuser
because you might just, you mentioned it, that rut, right?
That staircase was built, designed, and practiced by me and my mom for 27 years.
That's a very long time. A lot of kids would have left home way before that
(26:44):
and not develop such a rut.
So me and my mom are not a great relationship because I'll just go right back to that staircase.
My wife has watched it in real time as a 40-year-old man.
It's not very respect-driven, right? It's a horrible place.
So for those of you who have that extreme trauma, only you can decide,
can I reconcile, forgive, and rebuild something better with this person,
(27:06):
or maybe this person will always put me on that old staircase that I do not want to be on.
So only you know your journey, only you know where you are on that continuum.
Exactly. And it's funny that you mentioned that because I was actually,
so when I was reading the chapter, Colt mentions a woman in there, right?
And he talks about how when she was younger, her mom had a lot of like foster
(27:32):
kids and would continuously talk down to her and be like, you're not a part of this family.
You don't even go here. You don't even, yeah. Yeah. And so she was getting a lot of this, right?
She goes on vacation when she's a little older and she ends up getting kidnapped
by a guy and he continuously is like raping her in her,
(27:55):
in his home until she realizes I can break free from this guy and run away.
And she does. And so then she's trying to get all this therapy.
Her parent, her mom is just like, doesn't even care that all this stuff happened to her.
Right. And then it's the same energy. So why would she care?
(28:15):
Right. Right. And so she is trying to do all these different modalities that she's being taught.
Right. She goes to a therapist. The therapist tells her she's kicking.
So she's constantly picking and she can't stop picking.
Right. And she's like, I want to stop, but I can't. Right.
(28:36):
And it's because she has no sense of self. she's
dissociated from her sense
of self and so she doesn't even feel these
feelings right because none of it
is registering in her brain so what
her therapist tells her is you have to stop doing this or you can't see me gives
(29:02):
her an ultimatum and if anybody if anybody's tried anything right Right. That doesn't work.
Oh, it's like the kids. You can't have those emotions towards this scenario.
Like, no, it doesn't work.
Helping your kids will tell you, well, I guess they won't have that thing then.
Right. They're going to regret it later on.
(29:24):
But they're still going to say it because they've lost that sense of self and
they've lost that control of themselves.
And so the only way that they think that they can gain that control is by doing the complete opposite.
Plus, if you can't control it, having somebody tell you to control it,
(29:44):
it's not going to change the fact that your brain doesn't work that way.
I love that nowhere in the history of calming down has asking a woman to calm
down ever calmed her down, right? Great.
Just calm down. Oh, that'll work. If you've ever tried it, that'll work great.
My goodness. I had one of my exes. He would do that all, drove me insane.
Angela, just calm down. Just take it. Hey, it's going to be okay,
(30:07):
right? You just got to let loose about it.
First of all, I'm going to punch you in your chest.
So let's get that out of the way. Let me just go ahead and let you know.
They're going to like the same schools or something. Cause that's exactly what my life.
Right. Right. It's our defense mechanism. You're not going to tell me how or
(30:29):
when to feel my, I mean, I still do it.
You know, I will sit there and if somebody's telling me like,
Angela, you need, you need to be okay with this.
You need to like the whole situation with that woman, people telling me you
need to just be okay with it. Just ignore it. It's just her words.
And I'm like, no, you don't get to tell me how I'm going to feel.
(30:50):
You don't get to tell me when I can have emotions or not.
Maybe they're irrational, maybe they're not, but my feelings are valid and I
worked my butt off to be able to see and accept that I have feelings in general.
So if I have these feelings, the first thing I need to do is accept that I have
these feelings so then I can figure out why I'm having such strong emotions
(31:14):
and feelings about this and work through it the way that I know it's best as.
A coach and an instructor and a yoga instructor and a mindful meditation, right?
Yeah. We have time to do like an advanced level. We just talked about something
that's another piece of emotional control or, or, or self-awareness and that is the thermostat.
(31:38):
So we talked about telling a woman to calm down.
Okay. So we just listed something that definitely does not work telling a man to calm down.
It does not matter if it's a woman or a man, right? If If a man is really fired
up just to, honey, just calm down, he's going to put his, he might not hit you
if his mom trained him not to do that, but he'd put his fist through a wall, right?
Many of you have seen that happen. So good for him. He didn't hit a woman,
(31:59):
but the anger doesn't matter, right?
If you're watching that, it doesn't make you feel any better that he didn't hit you.
He's upset. So if you are sensing, you touched on feeling it's warm in here, right?
When your emotions flared up, you now can sense that it's warm in here.
That's a big step for you. The staircase is open.
You got to have the feeling. If you want to shift someone else's emotion,
(32:20):
they need to calm down and you want them to calm down, right?
Yelling from the other room, hey, turn the thermostat down.
One, I'm not sure they know where their thermostat is. Right.
Ordering them to do that is very unlikely. You're trouncing on their sense of self.
So they may just go, yeah, it's fucking hot in here. I like it hot in here. Fuck off. Right.
(32:44):
If you really want to lower the thermostat in a situation, the only thermostat you can reach is yours.
This is where we get into some Eastern stuff that is really powerful.
We don't practice it here much in the West. And that is, if I want you to calm, I must calm. Yes.
The instant your thermostat went up and I was close to you, I felt the heat.
(33:06):
If I let mine rise, angels just calm the fuck down. That is absolutely fanning the flames.
It's going to make it absolutely worse because I let my thermostat rise to the heat.
So the only thing I can do, you're coming at me, hook, line,
and sinker, I'm going to go to my thermostat and go, wow, it got really hot in here.
(33:27):
I'm going to let those words come in and just let them go out.
I'm going to calm and ground because that's what we need.
Yes, exactly. Exactly. Telling Angela, that's what she needs.
You can all see how that's going to end. Right.
Right. All thermostats are going up because now she's going to start lobbing
stuff at me going, it's fucking hot in here and you should be hot too.
(33:51):
Literally. I know what buttons to push.
Right. Right. You're like, all right, well you asked for it, right?
You're like, you asked for it. You want to deal with this? Let's do this. Let's do this. Right.
You're like, I stretched in everything.
Like, like, let's do this.
(34:12):
Start cracking your neck you know you're like
earrings coming out okay and for
those of us who are more like angela's definitely like my wife we
call them dominance like they're like the first answer is pissed and fight let's
do this for those of you who are more like me who first answer is flight and
and peaceful we're still if we're still internally turning that thermostat up
(34:35):
yes we may be more manipulative and more flow with in our response but if inside side,
my guts are churning. My heart is tough. My chest is tight.
I'm guaranteeing you the other
person is feeling that you're still not turning your thermostat down.
Right. And it's like we were talking about with our last one,
right? We have those three stages, right?
We're asking, we don't get it. Then we're asking, we're doing the fight or flight.
(35:00):
And then we start disassociating, shutting down.
Right. So when you're in that second stage, there's a reason and it's called fight or flight, right?
People sit there and they say, well, I don't want to fight. I don't want to
fight. I just want peace.
You're still, you're still in that second response because what you are doing
essentially is you're still not able to control what you're doing.
(35:24):
And so you're fighting or you're flighting, right?
If I really turn the thermostat down, I can look at Angela and go and say,
oh, well, maybe you have a point somewhere in all of this.
Maybe without the bar, maybe like, okay, so what are you trying to say?
Because I do want to hear you. Now the thermostat in me is down and I'll bet
(35:46):
you anything her next statement is going to be, I don't know.
Usually she's frustrated because something's not jiving, but now we're solving.
Now we're getting to a solution.
Maybe because I'm not running and just putting up a the wall.
Fills that flight in me as like, wait, I wanted to solve a problem.
I'm ready to fight. You're flighting. So we're not solving anything.
(36:08):
I'll just be here again tomorrow, like, or next week.
Which is why that, which is why you learn from each and every experience. Yes. Like you did. Yes.
You sit there and you learn and you grow because what happens is,
is you through that process, you realize, wow, I'm actually able to process
(36:31):
this in a more healthy way.
And you can validate yourself in that and tell yourself, even though you feel
like you failed because you reacted because I was pissed, you know,
and I, I actually, I did flight.
I did flight instead of fight. Cause I was like, there's kids around.
We're not going to do that.
And she's like getting in my face. And I was like, all right,
(36:52):
here's the thing. I have to force myself to cry now.
Cause if I force myself to cry, you, you've reached that barrier where it's no longer fight.
Right. And then you're like, okay, flight, here we go.
And I was crying and she started making fun of me for that. And yeah.
And was like telling her kids, she was like, remember kids.
(37:15):
Cause I told her, I said, we need to be decent human beings.
We need to teach our kids to be decent human beings.
And she like looked at the kids and she looked at me and she made this like snarky face.
And she was like, don't forget to be kind and loving.
And I was like, good God, does she understand what she's teaching our kids just
by your facial reaction?
(37:35):
You know, you're looking at them and showing them that you think it's disgusting to be kind.
And so through that, I was It was like, wow.
I need to react better in these situations, not because, not because I need
to fight for my honor, but I need to sit there and be some sort of example,
(37:58):
you know, and if she's giving this other thing off,
this other like personality and, and understanding of the importance of kindness
and lack thereof, in her opinion, I need to show that I can be kind even in these situations.
(38:19):
And that's where people didn't understand why I apologized to her because I
looked at it as she must have been very hurt when she was younger and she must
really think it's that disgusting and weak to be loving and kind.
And I just had this compassion for her and for her kids, because that's,
(38:43):
that's a very sad, lonely way to live that I used to live.
And when we can look at it from that perspective, we're like,
wow, our growth is so much greater, you know, because when you have those emotions,
you're like, oh my goodness, why do I even have a business?
I can't even control myself. And you sit there and you're like,
(39:05):
oh, wait, I'm not perfect.
That's now I remember. The other thing for those of you who are super emotional
and experience what Angela really neatly walked through, and that is the thermostat
goes up and you're even judging yourself in that moment going,
why am I ready to knock this bitch's face off?
Because you're feeling that it's on in here. And you're like,
I thought I had control of this. Like, I didn't think this was going to happen anymore.
(39:28):
If you want to step into it, it's like, yeah, but your thermostat's working, right?
If that didn't get hot, ever, we'd be like, are you alive? Like.
Yes eventually you're going to get to that place where very few
things bother you and you can just deal with it and
be the adult and but it it's it's consoling
and it's even healthy if you stepped from trauma
(39:51):
and drama and that staircase being
broken your thermostat's still working right
the alternative is numbness i mean that's like a far far way down the staircase
is when there's numbness no response nothing bothers you you're super alive
knowing your thermostat went up like that now you just get to control it right
(40:13):
exactly exactly so the next time you lose your shit people,
just think is i'm alive now what do with this hot mess i'm alive and i'm still
kicking and breathing and you're fucked up and it's not fucked up tried and
true i have a hard deadline of nine minutes from now. And you know that.
(40:35):
So I want to give you whatever you need to close this show out.
I'm going to shut up and stop offering any help.
So I guess I'll end up with an end with just what was I going to say?
That's what I'm going to end it. I really liked, by the way,
I liked your, your very nerdy descriptions of the pieces of the brain and the
(40:56):
Mohawk. Like I've never heard any of that.
I've been coaching a long time, And it really resonates with how I and how I feel.
Think about mother cats picking up their kittens by the neck.
Think about how many predators grab their prey by the neck. Right.
They're grabbing yourself, yourself.
Not interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And it's very, it's very, it is very interesting
(41:19):
to just be able to understand it.
And that's, that's the uniqueness of the way that I teach things,
you know, because Because, yeah, there's all these mental health.
And like one of my clients, this is what got me when I was talking to her about
my membership, about the possibility of starting the membership.
(41:39):
And I said, I want to know your thoughts. Right. And we talked about this before the recording.
I hadn't gotten much feedback from them on all the stuff that I had taught them. Right.
And I was like, OK, like, I'm just going to open up and ask them,
like, I want to hear from you.
What are you learning from this? What are you? And the one thing that really
(42:00):
stuck with me was my client told me, Angela, you're,
I can learn this stuff anywhere. I have books left and right.
The whole reason I signed up for your program was because I enjoy being in your energy.
And then that hit me. I was like, sometimes we forget the power of our calling.
(42:26):
Right. And so I remember when I was doing my coaching training.
And there was this moment where I had turned a client from like thinking so
horribly about themselves to being like, wait.
I, it is possible for change and it is possible for these things.
(42:48):
And just seeing like the kind of questions, like I dug deep because I am raw,
You know, and they even told me afterwards, they're like, wow,
that was like really raw and like really triggering.
But also at the same time, I just wanted to keep going because you made me feel
(43:08):
like it was a safe space to do that.
And so that was really, that really hit me when she said that.
I was like, wow, I really do have a way with words. Like, and that's not to
say like my ego needs boosting.
It's more so of, I, some people are meant to do things in the background.
(43:32):
Some people are meant to be these other sources, right?
They do stuff in the background, which is just as important as what I do.
Yep. Yep. But knowing what you are called to, and I've always been told,
like, I have a loud voice and I, you know, I'm very passionate.
Yeah. And that, that is my superpower in my training because I can make you
(43:58):
feel more than I can teach you.
I'm not going to sit there and say all these highfalutin words and be like, go figure it out.
I mean, I learned how to, I learned about the hippocampus by saying that hippo
is camping on our brains because why do we take our memories?
And what happens is the hippocampus actually shrinks with PTSD.
(44:22):
And so I was like, that's perfect. That hippo is camping on us.
And what happens when you're sitting all the time and you're not working,
you're going to lose it, right? If you don't use it, you lose it.
And so our memories, that's how our memories with trauma are gone.
And those kind of ways, even in nursing school, I learned these fun,
(44:46):
interactive ways of learning things.
And I'm like, this is what I was meant for.
This is what I was meant for. I was always, I've always been told you should be a teacher.
You should be, you know, somebody that's giving this information.
I'm like, this is what I was meant to do.
Well, I hope you keep doing it and I hope you continue to do it with me.
(45:07):
I enjoy the partnership.
As you know, my wife is a coach. She's just not, she's got so many irons in
the fire and she's like a butterfly. She's floating from this to this, this.
So I appreciate being able to work with another woman who has coaching at her
core and I just really appreciate it. So thank you for having me on again. Thank you.
And I really appreciate you coming on and giving your insight.
(45:27):
I love our talks. I hope our followers love our talks.
I say ours like it's our podcast, but I hope that they love these talks and I hope that we're able.
Now we are talking about doing some live streaming where we can have some calls coming in.
Guys, just bear with us on that.
(45:48):
I will give you more information as I am aware of how to do that.
So I look forward to working with Joshua more.
I think that we both give good insight on both viewpoints.
And thank you so much. You guys have a great rest of your week. We'll see you next time.
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