48 Hours After Rehab: How Chloe Hit Rock Bottom and Rose Again

Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Hi there, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud
Podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and
addiction. I'm so glad you're here.
If you or someone you love is struggling with drugs or
alcohol, please reach out for help.
Send me a message on all social media platforms at Recovering
Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com.

(00:26):
You are no longer alone. So I used to use my phone for
the third camera. Oh no.

(00:47):
And that's going to be triggering for everyone, sorry.
Especially if you're listening in the car.
Did I tell you I had a counsellor at rehab who did
that? He'd start every class by
opening a can of. Bubble every single.
Class. I was like, this motherfucker's
doing this on purpose. Like it was like, remarkable.
That that is like a very unique sound too, especially because I

(01:08):
don't know if you heard like you're probably weird like me,
but I can like tell when it's a beer and when it's like not a
beer, right? Like that little pussy opening
sound that I just did there thatwas like, you know, Red Bull.
But that's really triggering. Wow.
Yeah, but I think, again, it waslike, wake up kids.
You're going to be getting out of here someday.
You're going to have to deal with this shit in the real
world. I had, so I work at a rehab now

(01:31):
and I had, I get phone calls andmessages from parents and stuff
and this lady was messaging me today saying that the the fire
pit and the pool table at the treatment center, She's like,
isn't that triggering for people?
Like how can you? She was like upset like visibly,
you know, verbally upset. Isn't that triggering for people
like how can you offer a safe environment when there's a pool

(01:54):
table and a fire pit? Like doesn't that give people
urges to like spark up? She said.
And I. Could hope you didn't tell her
about the karaoke. Yeah, or the the gambling card
games that we play after. But to, to your point, it's like
I said to her, OK, you can't avoid triggers and one, what
better place to handle them and deal with them than in

(02:16):
treatment, right? Your point is very valid.
It's like, and, and it's an important point too, because I'm
going to leave here someday thisbubble that I'm in, this
treatment bubble that I'm in, 'cause it is a bubble at the end
of the day, right? And I'm going to have to deal
with walking by the patio and seeing that motherfucker enjoy
his beer while I fantasize aboutit.
Yeah, watching that bum sneak a sip on the subway and be like,

(02:38):
yo, dude, I could do that betterthan you.
Yeah, you're doing it all wrong.And truly a bubble because, you
know, I was at, I think we're talking about the same rehab.
Frankly, I don't know if I'm allowed to say the names of
things on this. I would just avoid saying.
OK. OK.
So this rehab, like I stayed there for 47 days and the minute
I got out, I still understood that this thing isn't curable,

(02:59):
but I still felt this like senseof confidence, a sense of
ability. And I relapsed in less than 48
hours and I couldn't believe it.I thought about the money spent,
I thought about the time put in,but this, these are the lessons
I had to learn because it's likenow I can pass it on and I can
say that it's very for real, that sense of the bubble.
But my brother-in-law in Vancouver, he works at a place

(03:20):
called the Junction. And what they do is they have
activities for people in recovery.
And he explained to me how things like karaoke game shows,
pretend casino nights, like thissort of thing is to and not only
remind us how much fun we can have in sobriety, that we are
totally permitted to go and still do the things we did when
we were drinking, just minus thealcohol.

(03:40):
But it's just to help normalize you as a person.
It's to help remind you that like you can do anything a
regular person can. It's just that you have to have
your skills in set skill set in place.
Yeah, and, and to rewire your brain to not associate hitting a
blackjack hand, for example, with, you know, doing a line of
cocaine right after. I was literally going to say do

(04:02):
a line of cocaine after a while.We're very similar.
Well, I mean, because, yeah, that's what I did, right.
I blacktracking cocaine like in casinos.
That was like, you know, that was my idea of fun.
More Marshall gambling, sports gambling and and cocaine, Yeah,
but. Yeah, I think any like cocaine
obviously makes me think of crazy Eights.
We did a ton of blow while playing that card game.
Oh really? Anything to do with my hands or
counting numbers or organization, I'm like, because

(04:24):
that was always my solution to my lack of focus or my my sense
of fear that I wouldn't get it right is like, I'm going to do
this line and then I'm going to be a superhero.
It won't matter too, right? Like the fact that I can't get
anything right, doesn't it just like disappears?
Exactly. Oh my gosh, all that sense of
self, that self righteousness, that was a really big downfall
for me. So you relapsed 48 hours after

(04:44):
treatment. What was that like?
How did that happen? It was such a slide, you know,
much like my entire experience with addiction, one of those
moments of how did I end up hereagain?
But it was I think knowing that when I would be getting out of
rehab, I would be going back to my parents house.
And my parents house is like theMecca of my addiction.

(05:06):
It's like where all of the trauma started.
It's where I drank for so many years.
My mom is an alcoholic, untreated and unadmitted.
And like, I just thought, that'sso dangerous.
I can't be doing that. So I I took up.
We're still capable of doing completely reckless, mindless
things even when absolutely. But I took up some man's offer.
He was from Turkey and he's like, I have space in my
apartment down on Ronses Vales. You could stay here instead.

(05:29):
And I thought in my head like any sort of sexual advance he'd
make, I could overcome that and I did.
I told him like back the hell off, but but it's still like hit
my brain incorrectly. I went back home.
I I'd gotten the chicken pox as well.
This is something I didn't realize after I I'd left art.
I had a few little blisters on my body.
I'd never had chicken pox beforeI was 32 years old.

(05:49):
So, so I went to a walk in clinic to be like, what are
these things on my body? I'm an adult.
And when I was leaving the walk in clinic, I was like, you know
what, Mom, I can get home from here.
The minute I said that, my brainwas like, you're going to go to
the LCBO, aren't you? And sure enough, I did.
And I got the tequila because something about a nomadic
lifestyle I always associated with drinking.

(06:11):
I could go anywhere, show up anywhere, sleep wherever, so
long as I had alcohol, I could do anything.
I was very brave, I was very comfortable.
I was very resourceful and outgoing and like, you know,
until the until I drank for so, so much that I end up in the
hospital. I can like maintain this kind of
wild chaos. And so I was going to get that,
you know, that tequila to keep in my backpack because that was

(06:33):
my traveling companion. That was my like absolute best
friend. It's got my back.
It's going to make me feel better.
It's going to make me be able todo this.
And because I have all the skills at rehab, I'm sure it
won't get out of control. But you know, very quickly ended
up in the hospital, especially like because of the chicken pox
there was sending me fevers and all that weird stuff on top of
it. But but yeah, but it, it really

(06:53):
just happened. And it's almost in like someone
else's body or some sort of dreamlike state where I find
myself leaving the rehab, havingmade all of these friends this
this joy and excitement I felt for this new life I was ready to
have. But I just did not understand
the insidiousness. I did not understand the cunning
part of the cunning path. Baffling and powerful.
But it's like it's real clever and it's just it was still very

(07:15):
much behind the wheel and I was still lying to myself.
But yeah. Wow.
Thanks so much for coming down, Chloe.
I appreciate you. Thank you, Anthony, Thank you so
much for having me. This is seriously like maybe the
coolest recovery based thing that I've done since I got like
really on the right path. Yeah, it's.
Amazing. Yeah.
You walked in here and you did like a fucking step brothers

(07:38):
routine here. There's so much room for
activities and you're dancing around and I just.
I love you, man. You're awesome.
Like, that was great. That was great.
Step brothers, that means I haveto hit the drums.
Yeah. Fuck you.
You don't say that dude. We just become best friends.
John Bonham playing Moby Dick for real.
Fucking love that movie. Oh, that's so good.

(08:00):
I think when I laugh I better move my head back.
I'm going to break the. I'm going to break the machine
here. That would just be my luck.
No, it's all good. Tell us a little bit about how
you came into recovery and what you know, what that moment kind
of looked like where you, you know, you, you had enough, you

(08:20):
wanted to make a change and thenhow did you go about doing that?
OK, so I'm trying to bring my brain back to right.
So when I was in very active addiction, I went to this
wedding. I was originally the maid of
honor, but the bride had to tellme because she could see I was,
I was not going to make any kindof change anytime soon.

(08:41):
And I was not a reliable person anymore.
So I was demoted to bridesmaid. But I had this wedding and I met
this guy named Andrew. And he is not in the program,
but he is one of those remarkable people who, despite
not having any experience with addiction, just seems to have
like an understanding of it and this like endless compassion.
And so we did start to date and,and he's this, he's this

(09:01):
wonderful guy. I believe very much so that my
higher power made sure to put this person in my path because
while this is not the way to stay sober, it did start as
doing it for him because he was going to leave and I didn't want
to lose him. Because even through my drunken
stupor, even though I was still hiding alcohol all throughout
his house, doing tons of cocainewithout him knowing, I knew I
really didn't want to lose this person.

(09:23):
So that's how it started. And it started by just detox
centers because I would drink somuch to the point of being like
mad hysterical and angry and volatile and not kind.
And so it started at detox centers and then I went to Cam H
for a month and I came back again immediately the minute I
got to that house, my parents house, which is where I now

(09:43):
live, miraculously enough, but that house I went straight for
the mouthwash because it was theonly thing I could find.
And and then it slowly just started to pick up.
And this was his experience for like years, me making these
promises, me making small changes.
It seems to be working and then it's not.
And then he finds the tequila again and he gets very upset and
we try and we try, but but he was never demeaning or degrading

(10:06):
or or violent. And so that was another reason
why my brain was still aware. Like this is someone special and
no matter what capacity you end up in, don't lose this human.
But that's The thing is the reason it didn't stick for so
long was because it was for him,because it was to get my mom off
my back, because it was so I could prove to other people that
I wasn't a total disaster. It had nothing to do with doing

(10:27):
it for me because as I would come to understand, I came to
the program, I came to even the beginning of the recovery
journey with not low self esteem, but no self esteem.
And I've been that way my entirelife.
Little did I know, but I'll talk.
So it was like, you know, in andout of detox centers, treatment
centers. And the only difference I

(10:48):
believe to all those moments where I meant it with all my
heart when I'd say I'm never doing this again.
I cannot live like this. Please, God help me stop.
The only difference between those times and the time when I
actually did finally stop was that there was number crying.
There was number big dramatic emotion.
It was just a sudden understanding of justice, how
much my higher power had always seen all along and how it was,

(11:11):
how hard it was working for me. And so it was just like a
switch. I was like, I'd set up this
whole situation where I was staying in Caledon with a friend
and her parents because I was nolonger allowed at my house.
And they have no booze there. They have cats.
It's in the middle of the woods.It's like you can get out of
yourself, get out of your life. And I would attend meetings on
Zoom. And I managed to keep up my
sobriety for months this way. And then the family goes on this

(11:34):
80 day cruise and they entrust me with their home and their
cats and I'm like, OK, I can do this.
And the minute the door closed, it's that silence that falls and
that brain that starts talking. And suddenly I need a drink to
hang out with myself because I can't like be comfortable in my
own skin. So suddenly I'm walking through
the woods to this LCBO convenience.
I buy all this vodka, I buy all this wine.

(11:55):
I go back to the house. I just like, I start drinking, I
start cooking. I'm thinking I can have this fun
time in this place by myself. Just I'll just drink a little
bit, you know, I'll keep it under control.
The same lie. Never, never, ever even hearing
how often I'd said it, but you know, only looking back now.
And of course, that didn't last very long because every time I
relapse, it's it's harder, faster, stronger every time.

(12:16):
So I immediately end up in that state where I don't know what
time of day it is or even what day it is.
I'm in a bed, I'm rolling over just to wake up, just to have
some more to drink than to finally go back to sleep.
And eventually I wake up, there's no more booze left and
I'm starting to throw up and I'mgoing through withdrawal.
And I know how dangerous withdrawal is because of how
many times I've been told in thehospitals at this point.
So so I called their neighbor and I tell her it's 4:00 in the

(12:38):
morning. I'm sorry, you're going to have
to take me to the hospital. So the first moment was there.
Chloe actually wants to live. That's new.
Because every time I was like hoping I just wouldn't wake up,
right? So this is new.
I'm going to do this thing whereI like call this person and,
and, and, and fuck all the shame, fuck all the
embarrassment. I got to go to a hospital
because I suddenly don't want todie.

(12:59):
And she gets me there and she's in total shock because the
people who live in the house didn't tell the neighbor.
By the way, she's an alcoholic and she relapses constantly.
So she's like, I don't know what's happening.
And I was like, don't worry. This is what they're going to
tell you. This is what I'm lying on the
floor of the waiting room too. She's like, are you all right?
I'm like, I will be. I need you to listen very
carefully. It's going to be intravenous.
It's going to be this many hours.
It's going to be like, you know,And then like done.

(13:21):
Like, what is this question on the form?
I'm like, it's just referring tothe like it's like.
C Click C Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like memorize you bitch,
like Oh my God. And she's just like all shook up
and stuff. So I stay, I, I get rehydrated
at that hospital. I get an Uber from this hospital
in Palgrave to get back to the house in Caledon and, and I'm

(13:42):
I'm meanwhile, meanwhile, I've reapplied to the sober living
house I was at before Caledon relapsed at that sober living
house was discharged, but I had reapplied, I'd done the
interview and everything and that had gone well.
So, so I get back to the house and I'm like, OK, deep breaths,
we feel better. What are we going to do next?

(14:03):
I think I need a drink before I really make any more plans.
Like already it's starting againthat I know the path through the
woods now to the LCBO convenience store.
So I'll just do that again. It'll seem shorter this time
because I've done it before and and I got a call and it's a
sober living house and they're like, we never do this.
But do you want to move in this Saturday instead of like the
following Tuesday? And I said no.
And that was it. That's like, that's that other

(14:24):
human that lives within. That's my addiction.
That's like, I'm having you all to myself, baby, you're not
going anywhere. And so I said no.
I'm really enjoying myself up here in Caledon, really finding
out some things and hanging out with the cats is like really
therapeutic for me and the boys and shit.
And they're like, hey, we don't need all that.
Just say no, we'll see you Tuesday.
I'm like Tuesday, OK, 72 hours it takes for alcohol to leave my

(14:47):
system. I'm going to have to do a pee
test when I'm there. That means I have until to
drink, right? And I'm like, all right.
And then I get a call and it's my mom.
And she says, hi, honey. The neighbor called the family
in their cruise in Buenos Aires,told them what happened.
They love you, but you need to get the fuck out of their house.
They do not want you there anymore.

(15:07):
And I was like, Yep, fair call the sober living house back
immediately, Never mind. Saturday sounds great.
And that was the switch. That was when it all started
clicking because I was like, I kept that thought to myself.
I did not say out loud, no, I'llsee you guys Tuesday.
No, for the convenience store. I was just like, I was like even
like just doing things so politely to almost pretend I
wasn't going to go do that thing.

(15:28):
And and then there it is. She's like you, you got to get
out. So I officially have nowhere to
live. So I call this over place and
I'm like yo, Saturday sounds great.
Yeah. I was like, I'm actually these
cats, I'm sick of them. The trees suck, I'm bored.
Let's go one of. Them peed on me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I started packing up my
stuff, and I call Andrew. And Andrew and I aren't dating

(15:50):
at this point in my story. He and I haven't been dating for
a while. But the miracle man that he is,
he's still in my life today. We're still the bestest of
friends. I'm going to see him tomorrow
because we work out together every Saturday with my trainer,
David. Yeah.
I love the people I have in my life today.
Like, Oh my goodness. But anyway, I call him because
he is a rock. And I'm like, listen, here's

(16:10):
what's happened. Here's what I need.
I need to be with you. I need to be at your apartment
until Saturday because I need tonot drink.
I officially don't have 72 hours.
I'm too afraid. I'm too aware of the fact that I
have no control. That's when it all started
happening because I'd had that plan and I'd kept it to myself
and my higher power made sure that that scared neighbor would

(16:30):
make a long distance call to Buenos Aires, and Buenos Aires
would make a long distance call back to tell them she has to go.
If no one had done that, I absolutely would have relapsed
again in Caledon. I absolutely don't know if I'd
have survived it. I absolutely don't know what the
neighbor would have done if she'd been like, no, fuck you,
I'm not doing that again. That was insane.
Like, it's just what if? What if doesn't matter.
This is what happened. Yeah.
So I was like, I, like, literally looked up at the sky

(16:52):
like this, like, OK, I give up. I give up.
All right, you see everything. I fucking get this now.
Shit. So just start packing my stuff.
Andrew's like, you got it. I'm like, I love you.
Hang up, get a, get an Uber out of Caledon, go down to Andrew's
place. Of course I'm crying because now
he sees how hard I'm trying and that now I'm doing it for myself
and it's still not working and it's still this impossible

(17:13):
thing. But but at least he does, he
does see that I'm trying. And she's like, yeah, you can
stay. And then on top of that, I'm
like, also my brother is going to come and hang out with me
while you go to work. He's like, still don't trust
myself. How many times did I sneak out
of Andrew's very apartment to goto the LCBO?
I was like, no, like even if I feel like I really won't drink,
I don't care. I don't believe anything I

(17:35):
believe anymore. I am not in control of this
thing. So I was like, and Danny's going
to be with me all the time. Danny's my bro when you're at
work and he's like, sounds good.I'm like, OK, so I made it to
the sober living house. March 2nd, 2023 is the last day
I ever had a drink. And yeah, thank you.
Yeah, thank you. It is it is actually amazing.
We're we are miracles. Because when you think about the

(17:56):
impossibility it was before, it's amazing.
It's fucking incredible. So yeah, so that was the last
date that was at Caledon. That was the day I got back from
the hospital after having been rehydrated, packed my stuff, got
to Andrew's, got into the sober living place, graduated from
that sober living place, Ingall's house for women only.
It's awesome. To their second location, which
is the Delaware house, which is where you have fewer

(18:16):
restrictions, but still, of course, please no drugs or
alcohol on the premises, either in your body or on the shelf.
And and then from there, I started staying at my parents
house more and I started to be of maximum service to my dad who
is getting super old, losing hismind, my mom who is her own
creature and who has her struggles and my bro.

(18:37):
And it was like eventually I wasn't at the Delaware location
as often. My stuff was there, but I was
really happy in North York because that's where my home
groups always been. And now I don't have this
commute to my meetings. And isn't this kind of
miraculous that I'm actually enjoying being in this house and
I no longer feel like drinking? And now today, there's liquor
everywhere in the house. And when I open the fridge,
there's the stuff. But I don't have that desire

(19:00):
whatsoever. I'm like reaching for that
protein shake that's behind thatbeer.
I'm reaching for that water. I'm reaching for that pineapple
juice, whatever. Because that's what I actually
crave now these days is like, this water you brought me in,
It's like, oh, my God, I can't wait.
I can't fucking wait for the water.
But but yeah, I hope that that answered your question.
It didn't go on too. Long no.
It was amazing. That was really well said.
God bless. It's like it's so hard to ignore

(19:23):
when the universe, just higher powered universe just throws all
these things that line up perfectly in your life.
And I was getting goosebumps like as you were talking about
it, because there was, you know,you, you, you describe, I do
that all the time where I'm, I'mkind of like, I'm in this moment
and I'm just like, I just look up at the sky and I'm like, OK,
like either thank you very much,I, I love you and I'm crying,

(19:44):
'cause I'm grateful or, OK, I get it.
Like, fine, I'll listen. I'll submit, right?
I'll stop doing things my way for once, you know, And, and
that's really what it comes downto is like, is Chloe going to
keep continue on doing things her way at this point?
Or have I had enough where the fear of staying the same is
greater than the fear of change,right?

(20:05):
And that's all that was in that moment.
It's like you were so scared in my at least I don't want to
speak for you, but what I got from that was like you were so
scared to to keep living the wayyou were living because you
weren't sure if you were going to live really, right.
And so that the fear of, you know, change became a little bit
less right, a little bit less than.
Because making that first step, in my experience, coming back

(20:26):
from a relapse especially, is byfar the hardest thing.
It's like anything, right? Starting at the gym, you know,
trying to lose weight, like it's, it's always that first
step that is the hardest one. Absolutely.
Because in our minds, we're surethat I would say this, but the
mountain to to get into recovery, to get back into rehab
is filled with like booby traps up a hill and it's always

(20:46):
raining, right? And it's like a fucking 90°, you
know, slope to get back and to do whatever it is.
And then you do it and you're like, huh, This is getting
easier, right? Like now I'm not thinking about
alcohol to your point anymore. There's alcohol all over the
place. It is a miracle.
It's a miracle that after someone, you know, our stories
are very similar. Mine was just more around

(21:07):
stimulants than alcohol, right? I, I was able to, like, the
thing with me was whenever I picked up alcohol, it was like,
what was next? What was next, What was next?
So I'm an alcoholic 100%, There's no doubt about it.
But I just, I gravitated more towards the stimulants.
And I, I think that's a part of your story too, right?
Like, yeah, so, but it's the same shit, right?
Same shit, different shovel. I heard someone in Utah say that

(21:27):
one time. I like that.
Gambling. That's such a Utah sounding
thing, yeah. Same shit.
Yeah, very RedState, very red. But like, yeah, it's, you know,
it's all the same. And it's a miracle that, yeah,
you can live in a place that youcouldn't go one minute.
I really like what you said about I needed a drink to you

(21:48):
said it nicer than this, but I needed a drink to live with
myself, like to deal with me. And I can relate to that like
this squirrely, sort of what's, you know, do this, do that.
I know what it'll fix this. And that's why I do these videos
on Instagram now that I I actually really love making
because it's like it's me versusmy addict brain, right?
And it's like I've literally created this character where

(22:10):
it's this guy and it's essentially the devil.
Whatever you wanna, you know, whatever analogy you want to
use. But that motherfucker is always
there, right? He's always there.
And so like at any point in my life, especially when things are
going well, but when things are going bad too, it's like, you
know, it's like that guy on my shoulder, that person that's
always there just like, hey, man, remember that one time when
you, you know, had that vodka soda at the bar?

(22:33):
And then in my brain, like the night just kind of ends there,
right? It's like I'm just sitting at a
bar enjoying a vodka soda and I'm just like leaving out the
fucking next six hours, six months, you know, six years of
my life that worked awful, right, that.
Was nice, yeah. Yeah, and it's just like gone.
It's like a Family Guy cutaway, you know, scene where and then
and that's it, right. But that's not my, that's not

(22:54):
reality. That's not my experience.
In our literature, it says that we would cease fighting anything
or anyone or something like that.
And I think that that includes what you're describing, 'cause I
totally. Yeah, the devil, the my alter
ego, whatever you wanna call her.
I don't wanna hate her and I don't wanna not acknowledge her.
She's a totally part of who I am.
And sometimes she gives me some things that are one of my better

(23:16):
qualities, almost like being really outgoing.
Serves you very well if you're trying to get alcohol, but it
also serves you very well if you're trying to get recovered.
So I don't want to dismiss her, but it's such a beautiful thing
to imagine no longer having a fighter.
Just like, hey, wanna hang out? You're not gonna hurt me.
I'm not gonna let you. But we can hang out.
We can get to know one another. And like, I forgive you, you

(23:37):
know? It's still.
Yeah. That that that person, that
entity, that whatever plays a role in your life, right?
But that's it. Doesn't have to run your life.
I don't have to hate him. Yeah.
It's like you're managing A-Team, right?
And then she's one part of it. He's one part of it, right?
And that's really well said. You know, something Andrew gave
me that just reminded me, he's like, because I've worked in the

(23:57):
service industry so much, he's like, OK, think of it like this,
Chloe. He's like, you have two
managers. You've night manager and you
have day manager. And every fucking day this day
manager shows up to see the place looking like this.
It's like everything's broken. Money's missing out of the cash.
Like people are sleeping on the board.
On the floor. Yeah, exactly.
The window's broken again and it's like so much inexplicable

(24:18):
shit and like, you're like, sorry.
And then the day manager has to clean it up.
And every day, the day manager is pleading with the night
manager. Can you please don't do this to
me anymore? Like I have other things I want
to get done, but every time I show up, there is such a mess to
clean. I can't do my own life.
I can't live past this mess thatyou make every night.
And the night manager's like, yeah, bro, I'm so sorry.
I got to clean up my ACT. But then when the day manager

(24:40):
leaves, yeah, no change. Then the night manager's back in
charge. So I just love that.
I love that idea. You said team.
I'm like got 2 managers in my head once like during the day,
the other one's like party. That's a great idea.
He can't. Fire either of them.
Poor the poor day guy, yeah, he just always has to deal with the
fucking night guys shit. Yeah, he's like, doesn't that
make you feel more guilty? I'm like, yes.
Yeah. Now we need to drink.

(25:01):
That's amazing. You mentioned you talked a
little bit about higher power. I think it's important to
acknowledge what does faith, spirituality, God, higher power,
what does that look like? What does it mean to you today
and how does it help you stay sober?
Wow, that's a good question. What does it look like?
An openness, I guess is the first thing that wants to come

(25:21):
out of my mind. I had a moment today.
I was thanking God for this, formy incredible day that I've
already had because I had two great phone calls back-to-back
and I was like, I started acknowledging the fact that my
higher power can probably sense.I'm still unsure if my higher
power trust me but it's love is unconditional so I'm getting

(25:41):
used to unconditional love by talking to my higher power.
I do actual direct prayers from this great 12 step prayer book
my sponsor gave me or like the prayers that we all know and
love from the meetings. Just even the repetition helps
me get out of my head. But I also just talked to like a
person, like just like someone who has known me my entire life
who gets it and and will forgiveme if I like do a bit of a rant

(26:05):
and I'll even like preface it. I'll be like I'm a rant and then
I just let it all RIP and then Igo, I'm sorry, I know it's
supposed to be representable or whatever.
I'm like going to like throw it all this sass, but it's still
going to love me. It's still going to be like
Chloe, That's so you fucking bitch, get your shit together.
Like it's like, but it's still going to love me.
It's still going to be there forme.
And I have to honor that becausethat's a beautiful thing.
And so faith looks like that looks like sometimes I even

(26:28):
literally just turn my hand so my palm is up.
If I'm walking or I'm sitting, Ijust turn my palm up just like
even one hand. And I will, I will believe, I
will half of the faith and then I will physically feel a hand
just sort of landing. And often times if I'm walking,
it'll really be like a, a warm breeze will suddenly hit me or
the it'll I'll walk into it and the sun will warm it or

(26:49):
something like that. But to me, it's like if I ever
have those moments where I'm feeling a little I'm grabbing
that will back because of fear of something, I'll just turn my
palm up. It's like right there.
Yeah. There's actually signs behind
that too, that when they say when you meditate with your
palms open and it allows energy to come in, right?
You're receiving energy. And you mentioned openness.

(27:10):
I love that, you know, it, it makes you, it forces you into a
state of mindfulness because you're, you're physically
noticing something that you're doing, right?
Yeah. Even sometimes I like, I'll,
I'll go like this and I'll just like rub my fingers together and
it's just like, OK, yeah, I'm here now.
Not tomorrow, not yesterday, because those days don't exist.
And I'm doing that thing again, right?
That's beautiful. Yeah, and, and, and terribly

(27:34):
comforting. And it's very vulnerable too,
right? It's like the palm is like your
underbelly. It's like when dogs, like, lie
on their backs and they like, dothat, it means like I surrender.
And I think that's where we evengot like the white flag thing
from, because wolves always havewhite bellies anyway.
That's hot topic. But yeah, but it's like, I'm
going to do this. I'm going to do this.
I'm going to trust that, you know, something bad's not going
to happen and it doesn't. And then there it is.

(27:54):
And so the more I do that, the more I begin to trust in
general, and then the faith getsstronger.
And so when I'm afraid I will turn the palm up, I will look
up. I will talk out loud.
Sometimes I just wrap my arms around myself.
I give myself a big old hug. And this gesture in particular
is important to me because before my drinking became the

(28:15):
center of my world, I would go through hardships and I would
hug myself and I would rock and I would sob and I would say,
you're going to be OK. We have been through something
like this before. We have fought with our mom
before and she has said things to bring us solo.
We have broken up with guys before and it has broken our
hearts and made us terribly sad.We have failed tests.
We have failed before. You're but you're here and

(28:35):
you're doing well now. And that pain has left, so you
know it's going to happen again.But when I started drinking and
when I started doing all the cocaine and all of the like,
Ritalin violence, like all that stuff, that shame started to
creep in, particularly when I, Ibrought it on stage because I
was a, a working actor for drugsand alcohol became the most
important thing in the world. So when I I would never forget

(28:58):
being on stage and delivering mymonologue and I felt fucking
nothing. And it was devastating because
we were performing because the audience had voted for us to be
the play that gets that last spot at the venue in the Fringe
Festival. And just look over at my Co star
and I'm saying the words from the monologue, but all the
subtext is I'm so fucking sorry bro.
You totally know what's happening right now.

(29:18):
And this is a disaster. So that shame was so powerful
that I no longer could hug myself.
I just let myself cry. I was like, you fucking deserve
it. Sit in your shit, you stupid
bitch. Like, just the meanest of
languages. Yeah.
So if I would go to touch, it was like, it was the way I also
couldn't look in the mirror. You know, a lot of people talk
about that. It's, like, impossible to
acknowledge yourself when you dig yourself deeper and deeper

(29:40):
and deeper. So that gesture, now that I can
do it again, that's a really good one for me, too.
And that's that faith, that reminder that, like, you can get
it back. It is possible.
Life's going to Life's gonna kick your ass, yeah, but you're
gonna be OK, yeah. Yeah.
When you say get it back, you mean like get the faith back?
Or yeah, get the faith back, getthe sense of self back, get the

(30:01):
get your happiness back. Yeah, this is temporary.
Yeah. Yeah.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
That's the one that's. One of my favorites, yeah.
I don't know if we met in Vancouver, and I'll quickly tell
that story because it's kind of funny, but I was sitting in a
podcast meeting that they were having, which was like kind of a
weird podcast, but I don't know.I tried to listen like the sound

(30:23):
effects. Yeah, They had all these weird
sound effects. As I was watching that, I was
like, should I start doing this in my podcast?
And then I was like, no, absolutely not.
God. I thought maybe you would.
Yeah, they had all those, like, cheesy radio sound effects.
That's right. I'm probably not going to do
that. Quick pause if this conversation
is hitting home for you and you're a parent or a loved one
of an addict wondering what's happening with your son,

(30:44):
daughter or loved one. There's a book I've been
recommending a lot lately. It's called What's Wrong With My
Teen and it doesn't sugarcoat anything.
Susan Raphael talks about mentalhealth, addiction, and how to
actually connect with your kid again without shame or fear.
Worth checking out. Link is in the description,

(31:06):
right? But I'm sitting there, I'm
watching it and I see you walking down and you, you know,
the whole roads open and you're like, is the seat open?
And I'm like, yeah, no, you know, and I'm thinking I see
Toronto on your name badge. And I'm like, oh, she's sitting
over here because I'm from Toronto.
I'm like, we're in Toronto. And you had no idea I was from
Toronto. It was so funny.
We were talking for like 5 minutes and then you realized

(31:28):
that we were both there. But it's funny how like in a, in
a, you know, 5035 thousand people conference ever, mostly
from the United States, and thentwo Toronto people just kind of
sit beside each other. And then you were with a bunch
of other people who I, I love and I, I've known some of them
from before and it was amazing. And I'm really happy that you,
you know, I connected and you came down.

(31:48):
It was, it was a great experience.
I'm. So grateful too was that a pair
of that row because there was noone sitting on the end so I
wouldn't have to be like excuse.Me.
Oh yeah, I was. Like, oh, perfect, just.
Jet, Jet met out if you wanted to leave, Yeah.
What was the conference like foryou?
Kind of a whirlwind. Totally exhausting.
Holy crap, I was tired in ways Ididn't know I could be by the
end of that thing. But.

(32:09):
But yeah, but awesome. Another really good lesson for
me of my like perfectionist overachieving brain.
Oh, I didn't do it all. I'd make like a wish list on
that app they had for it of. Like what meetings?
Today, yeah, I'd make like 1% ofwhat I had wished for, but that
that was OK because we were tired and.
There's like 1000 things, yeah. They're happening at the same

(32:30):
goddamn time. It's like, OK, I can't do it
all. Hard lesson for Chloe to learn
because she's so I'm so full of myself, but you can't do it all.
But that was part of the beauty of it was going, oh, everything
is a lesson and I always want tobe learning.
Keep that mind open. Set aside prayer, like just like
always teach me what I still don't know.
And what I still don't know is how happy I will be not
achieving the things I think I have to achieve in order to be

(32:53):
happy. Lo and behold, and little thing
like, you know, all of the what would it have happened if I
hadn't? But but yeah, that conference
was phenomenal. First day I was like, OK, this
is a lot. And I remember thinking to
myself, because again, of courseI'm going to think about
something that I'm not going to have to worry about for five

(33:14):
years. But I was like, I don't think
I'll go next time just because this is, like, so extreme.
But then by the end of the conference, that guy Scott's up
there and he's like talking to 35,000 people, but it's all
about me. He's talking to me.
He's like, I'll see you in SaintLouis.
I'm like, you will. You will Scott.
Yeah. People please urge.
Scott's going to notice if I don't go he'll be like what the

(33:36):
fuck? That bitch flaked.
Wow. Five years from now.
I love it. Oh, man.
We're. Yeah.
I mean, we're all the same. Like I was just thinking about
something from so far away that's so irrelevant.
I love it. Oh, that's amazing.
Oh man. So I definitely recommend 10 out
of 10 on Yelp or whatever for my, for in terms of experience.

(33:58):
Like that was a that was a tremendous time.
And the whole trip was really important to me because I was.
I got to see my sister who livesout there too.
Got to swim in the ocean. The ocean is something that is
very important to me. Yeah.
It's like it's. Pacific in Vancouver.
I don't know if I mentioned that, but yeah, that's amazing.
And, and, and, yeah, and my sister in Vancouver, she's the

(34:20):
one who has the husband who works in recovery.
So I knew I'd get to spend time with him.
I knew I'd get to go back to a city that I owe some amends to
because I did go there at one point when I was in slightly
more active addiction. Not as terrible as it would
someday become, but I was havingan affair with my married acting
coach. And I can look at that girl and
I can be like, what were you? Come on.
But I don't have to do that to her.

(34:41):
She didn't know any better. She's just in her 20s and got
someone paid attention to her. And it was like everything at
the time. So I got to go and make amends
to Vancouver, to myself, see my sister.
And it was the first time I'd seen my sister since our sister
had passed last year in November.
So that's why that whole trip was totally, totally fucking
awesome. Yeah.
That's. Amazing.

(35:03):
Do you still do acting? Well, I was in that play last
year. I was in a play last year, I was
called 13 plays about ADHD all at the same time.
And we performed at the AssemblyTheatre in October, and then we
got to do a remount at the Toronto Sketchfest in March, and
it was a total blast. That was a real higher power
moment. This director, Alec Toller,
total genius, just emailed me out of the blue saying I've

(35:25):
written this really weird play. It might be really bad, but
would you like to, like, be in it?
Because we'd worked together before.
And here I am thinking that everyone's noticed I've
disappeared. Everyone's wondering where Chloe
is. But no, he's like, no, I hadn't.
I just assumed you were still acting.
I was like, Oh my God, no. I've been like in a hell of my
own making. So kind.
For thinking about me and how I was like.
Are you sure? Like, it wasn't my response

(35:46):
because I was like, he must knowwhat a terrible, untrustworthy
person I've become. But he did it, Al.
He's like, it was the same wacko, so come be in this weird
play. And I was like, OK.
But from there, I took some classes.
And, yeah. And The thing is, this is what I
can no longer deny when it comesto the acting thing for a while,
because as I said, I brought it on stage and I thought I've
sullied this. Now acting was my first

(36:07):
addiction, really like live performance.
But I, I'm, I'm not allowed nicethings anymore.
You ruined it, you stupid girl. But but now I don't feel that
way. And I remember what a counselor
at Saint Joseph's Detox had said.
He and I got to talking because he'd been a stand up comedian

(36:27):
and in England. And then he he started drinking.
Drinking got out of control, especially in a comedy bar
situation. It's like, and I'm not, I'm not
referring to the comedy bar of Toronto.
I just mean a comedy place with a bar.
It's really hard to avoid drinking.
But it got out of control. His friends notice and he backed
down. And for the longest time he felt
way too ashamed to even approachthose clubs anymore to even talk

(36:49):
to any of those people anymore. But one day he's feeling a bit
better. He's got a few more years under
his belt and he goes to see a show and his friends there and
he's like, dude, you don't have to drink to be here.
We just miss you. We love you.
He's like, it was like when you go to a meeting and they're just
happy to see you. He's like, just come here and
he's like, I won't drink with you.
Just you're funny. You got to get back to it.
And so he did. And now he does in Toronto, do

(37:11):
little stand up things in sketchshows.
And I told him about the acting dilemma.
And he's like, Chloe, I'm promising you, if you don't do
it, you're going to walk around with a hole in your heart.
You're going to feel that feeling.
And he's absolutely right. So the next step without
overwhelming myself is continue maybe dipping into some classes.

(37:32):
Otherwise, get that agent again,get back to auditioning just
like go and do my thing. Because I think in recovery, I
believe that when we've worked hard and we have a certain
amount of time or healing accomplished, I can say without
it being prideful, I am very good at what I do on that stage.

(37:56):
So I would really love to see what I can do now when I can
bring this lived experience to the table.
Because I am a little, I have a little bit more perspective on
what's actually scary and going into a room, just reading some
lines, probably poorly written, a script like that's not as
scary as it once was. And I've got that edge now.

(38:17):
I'm like Robert Downey Junior, basically.
Like, you know, you're gonna be best friends.
Like, Oh my God, I can't wait. You're.
Gonna be on 10 more podcasts after this.
And I was the first one, so I'm you're welcome.
And I feel grateful. Oh, man, yeah, I know I could.
I I didn't know that about you and I don't maybe you told me,
but I think I think you'd be really good at it.
And have you ever tried doing stand up?
Thought about doing stand. Up.

(38:37):
I actually have it, but I have been told many times that I
should. And I'm thinking like, yeah, why
not give that a go too? Yes, why not?
Especially if I could, I think Icould manage to talk about, you
know, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be representing a a,
of course, and I wouldn't break anyone's anonymity.
But I think I could come up withsome pretty funny rants about

(38:58):
what it's like to live with thisbrain and people would relate.
Absolutely. Maybe more people than I
realize. And for the other people in the
audience who don't get it and who think this is the weirdest
set I've ever seen, they're really not gonna bother me.
I feel bad for them. Yeah, I think you have a unique
experience. And I had a guy on here, Andrew
Barr, who as a comedian, and he's in recovery, too, and he
was great. Yeah.
He. He said that he was constantly

(39:20):
talking about addiction in, in, in his bits.
And then he kind of like tailored off a bit, right.
So you kind of grow and change with it.
But no, I think you'd be good atit.
Yeah. Thank.
You thank you very much. What what would you say is like
the most important thing in yourrecovery, right?
Like to to someone that you knowcan't stay sober keeps

(39:40):
relapsing. Like what?
What is the most important thingthat keeps you sober today?
Service, service with my sponsees and prayer, like
anything I do to create that connection to my higher power.
Whatever moment I take when I realize, oh fuck, shit, I'm out
of it. I've fallen out of the the
connection and I gotta get it back.
That helps. So prayer, meditation, talking

(40:00):
aloud to it. The guy, the guy, the guy that's
like, I'm like a guy, the boss. Yeah, exactly.
Yes, very much so. Or I I do talk to my grandma and
my sister, not so much my dad, but that's another story.
But yeah, but but being of service, like first it started
with just making coffee, right? And then it was set up and then

(40:21):
I was elected secretary. Now I'm elected secretary for a
second year. Now I have three spawn CS.
It's like, make yourself accountable.
Give yourself reasons you got toshow up and especially start
small. You know, maybe greeting is too
much for some people. If you want to just like stay in
the back and do the coffee, you can do that.
You can even just like chill in the kitchen while the meeting
goes on if it's all too much to you, but for you, but just make

(40:42):
sure that like you got to be somewhere and show up for
someone. And I found that this worked
exactly the same for my goals atthe gym because yes, I could.
When I was at my sober living house, we had a pass for the
YMCA that we could just sign out.
But I knew that I'm starting to understand how little Chloe
knows about Chloe, so if in the past that's never worked, I'm

(41:03):
not going to start making those bullshit promises to myself
again. So I called my friend David, who
is the only personal trainer I like bother to show up for
occasionally when I was in active addiction because I liked
his personality. And I was like, are you still
doing that thing? And he's like, yeah, but it's
even better. I'm not a good life anymore.
You don't have to buy a membership to the gym I work at.
I'm like, so then it was, peopleare like, you're spending this
money to go and work out for an hour.

(41:24):
Why can't you just go to the gym?
It'll be free if you just go. I'm like, I can't just go.
That's the problem. If I have to throw a bit of
money at the issue, I'm going tobe accountable.
There's another human who showedup to this place expecting me to
show up too. Otherwise, I've made their
entire trip pointless. So I'm, I've got to go.
I've got to be there for them. And now it's become like, you
know, it's about the social aspect as well.

(41:45):
At the gym. Yeah, yeah, just, but like, also
with a, it's like now it's like for the people, for the love I
have for this program, for the people in it.
Yeah, I'll show up for them. How do I ever repay something
that gave me everything you know?
Yeah, it's tough. I mean, you got to do it in
small moments, right? Yeah.
Give back. Like you said, there's something
that happens to in service wherefor one or two hours out of the

(42:08):
day, whatever, whatever the commitment is.
I'm not thinking about Anthony and I'm not thinking about what
Anthony did yesterday or what Anthony has to do tomorrow.
And there's this kind of beautiful presence, present
moment that I can live in, mindful moment where I'm just me
and myself and my higher power and enjoying life like as it

(42:29):
ought to be enjoyed, right? Yeah, yeah, that inner peace,
right. And I find too, there are little
moments in my life outside of a A where I am still can be of
service. And if I ever have that feeling
like moms like take out the trash or whatever, and I'm kind
of like I could do it later, I think, no, no, I'm being of

(42:50):
service to a woman who, despite whatever flaw she may possess, I
love with all my heart. She gave me my life, quite
literally. I'm going to get up out of this
circumstance. I'm going to go be of service to
someone else for like a second. And it's just all these little
things like that, will, that will probably have guaranteed my
sobriety for at least the next two hours.
And then, you know, I'll go to my meeting and then I'll

(43:11):
probably make it home at the endof the day and still be sober.
Yeah. I want to ask you something a
little bit more personal and feel free to not want to talk
about it or or whatever, but wasthere a moment in your recovery
where you may be almost relapsedor or were close to relapsing?
Yeah. Oh, for sure.

(43:31):
Yeah. What was it?
It was. It wasn't even that long ago.
I think it just felt like a lot of stuff happened at once.
There was an issue with my mom and then and then a lot of
negative self talk about like stupid, stupid.
Why did you do that? You knew she'd have that
reaction. But the things that she said
that particular day, I believe it was like literally like in

(43:54):
June. It was this recent.
I was trying to set a boundary. I had done everything right, You
know? I had taken the time to go up to
my room, scream into my pillow, beat the shit out of my pillow,
pray, meditate, think about my side of the street, think about
the language I've learned to talk about, you know,
approaching when you're asking for something, keep eye

(44:16):
statements, all that stuff. I brought my emotions down.
I went to her. And that's what made it more
frustrating, was that when you do everything right and it still
doesn't work, I have that belligerent, defiant fuck you, I
fucking knew it. Like, this is bullshit.
I give up. Never doing it again.
Exactly. I'm like a whole bliss.
I knew it. So like, that voice is still
there, but that's how it went. And I had to like, just keep my

(44:36):
composure. But that day in particular, she
said some things that were like word for word, things that she'd
say a lot when I was younger. And, you know, yeah, she is.
She's just selfish. And so it was hearing that
again, I I did not anticipate what flashback CPTSD kind of

(44:57):
stuff that would suddenly erupt in my body.
So suddenly my body didn't belong to me.
And that's when it was like, I didn't start walking to the LCBO
or anything like that. There's alcohol in the house.
Didn't go for that either. But I was, I was starting to
plan. I was starting to think what
would be the worst thing that would happen?
What if I told my sponsor first,this is what I'm going to do.

(45:19):
And I don't care what you say, it's happening, you know, like
what, how could I make it responsible so that I was in
like a planning stage and I was like, this is bad, man.
Like I haven't been negotiating with God to, to get this drink
that I want. And I was like, this is a bad,
this serious bad side. So it was instead call the
sponsor, tell her this is exactly what's going through my

(45:40):
brain. And I'm really scared right now
because I haven't felt this way in a while.
And I, I didn't end up getting to that relapse.
And I'm I'm so glad for the, thesurrender I found at that
moment. And recently I found that I've
been really hard on myself for the fact that I'm completely
willing, yet still sometimes don't surrender.
Just because I'm willing doesn'tmean I'm going to magically
always do it because I have two years and a handful of months.

(46:04):
And that's not that long really when you look at other people.
And the truth is, I don't think that quantity of time really
matters in this thing. I think it's the quality of your
sobriety, the dedication and the, the openness and
willingness to really give it all you got.
And so that's what I did and it and I made it through that, but
it's absolutely possible. I told my sponsees about it and

(46:25):
I think I'm so grateful that I had that moment.
I'm so grateful that and I know it's not all up to me.
It's really my higher power working, but it's like I I had
the sense to tell them the truthbecause old Chloe would have
been like, I can't tell them nowthey're going to think I'm a
fraud. But I was like, no, I'm going to
tell her. This is how close I just came
today and she said, wow, you Jesus.
That really puts this shit into perspective.

(46:46):
And I was like. Welcome to recovery.
Yeah, I. Was like, wow, I'm so glad I
told you. Yeah.
Well, it, it, you make a lot of good points there, but I think a
lot of people that are fresh in recovery that just come in and
have no experience with getting sober or trying to get sober.
They, we, I did it too. We tend to put people on
pedestals, right? These one year, 2 year,
three-year, five year, 10 year people, you're like, that guy's

(47:08):
like a God right now. How was he?
How did he do that? Right?
He's got a suit on, he's got hiswife back, he's got a car,
right? And we put these people like
kind of above us and any good sponsor I've ever worked with
or, or good member of recovery has that humility in them where
most of them do actually where it's like, no, no, no man, you
know, you and I are just as close to that.

(47:30):
Drink the arm length away. We're just as close.
You know, we're the same. We're just, as you know, the
only difference is I'm a little bit, we're on a road, I'm a
little bit further. I have a couple more days down
the road than you, but the ditchis the same, man.
Like we're on the same width of the road, right?
The road is the same. The ditch is right there on
either side. All I have to do is just pick up
that one drink and I'm worse offthan you, right?

(47:52):
So good Anthony, I love that bowling balls gutter ball
anyway. You'd never know.
There's no bumpers on them. You know, recovery, there's the
ditch is deep. You know, I've been in it many
times, right? But the beautiful thing is, is
that recovery gives me a ladder to kind of climb back out,
right? No one's going to come and pull
me out of the ditch when I fall in, but there's a ladder there
that I have to. You said there's a difference

(48:14):
between being ready and being willing to do something.
Like I can say I'm willing untilthe, you know, until I'm blue in
the face, but until I make that phone call, and that is one of I
always talk about on this podcast in, in, in, in life.
I would, I would say hands down for me, the most powerful tool
in recovery is picking up the friggin phone and calling

(48:34):
someone. And, and it doesn't even have to
be picking up the phone 'cause you could be in a underground
parking lot 1 day, right? And that's where the, the God
thing comes in is, is, it's, it's telling somebody what your
plan is or what, how you're gonna your design or your, your
idea, right? I, I, you know, I've always,
I've, I've had a mentor that used to say, like, if you have

(48:55):
an idea, call me. If you have a plan, I think go
to a meeting or something like that was always his thing,
right? It was like any idea that you
have, just fly it by somebody, right?
It doesn't have to be like your sponsor or somebody in recovery
even that's preferred, right? But there was a moment there
where your life could have gone in a very different direction.

(49:17):
You might have died. You don't know what would happen
here, right? But you.
Yeah, exactly. You learned a tool in recovery
that was tell somebody how like I said, your plan and I'm
exactly the same way that my phone is 1000 lbs sometimes
because, and it's almost always because of fear.
No, it is always because of fear, but it's usually the fear

(49:38):
of judgement, right? Like I'm doing really well and
they know I'm doing really well.How can I tell them that I'm,
I'm like, how can I get vulnerable and tell them that
I'm struggling? It's the hardest thing to do.
Will they be all concerned and shit like the next three weeks
calling me everyday? Like yeah exactly.
I don't want to show that weakness.
Weakness. That's a good one.
Too. Maybe I can.
Maybe I can just do this one on my own, but I don't.

(49:58):
Do yeah. And and then the great
juxtaposition of it, the the irony of it is that it's
actually the strongest thing youcan do is reach out for help,
right. But we we tend to label it with
weakness because it shows vulnerability.
Yeah, and my perfectious thing Ilike that was what I was
thinking about was I'm so willing, yet sometimes I don't
always surrender. What's the deal with that?

(50:19):
Why aren't I there yet? I should be better at this by
now. All of this stuff that I would
never say or feel towards someone else in the program.
But self compassion is very difficult, right?
But but, yeah, but I'm like, I forgive myself for the fact that
I can't always surrender becausethat's good.
That's OK. It's just so long as I do the
right things about the moments when I'm really struggling to
surrender, I feel I want to takethat will back.

(50:40):
And those reactions I'm so afraid of when I show that
weakness, like when I told my sponsee or I told my sponsor, I
never get the reactions my brainmakes up for me.
My brain's just such a jerk. It like tortures me with
incredible scenarios that never end up actually happening.
Especially when you're an actor.Yeah, Oh my God.
Yeah, all these scenes play out in your head.
Oh, 100%. I've seen every movie, like up
here. But.

(51:01):
But yeah, really quickly. What you were saying.
I love so much about tell someone your plan because, yeah,
it's like, OK, so I thought I was smarter than my disease.
I was not. But I can outsmart my disease by
telling someone the truth. Bam.
Took away your biggest tool, didn't I?
Their addiction. No more lies, no more
dishonesty. Everybody's in on it.
Oh, what's that? It's not so fun anymore.

(51:23):
Well, suck my Dick. You don't win today, bitch.
Like, I got it. I told my sponsor our plan now
you can't hide like my Dick is like, God damn it, love it.
We were going to have so much fun together.
I was like, you know that's not true.
I. Love it, I got to have you in on
my videos. You have a great idea do.
You remember Brooklyn 99? Yeah, I do.
When the Sergeant, when he TerryCrews, he starts eating too much

(51:45):
and he gets fat. And then Charles starts to help
him by giving him cacao nibs, but then he eats too many of
those. But then he's trying to pretend
that he's not addicted to them. And so he's making this big
speech in the office. He's like, I took a look at them
and I said not today nibs. Sometimes I literally quote that
out loud when I feel my addiction creeping up.
I'm like, not today nibs. And then I make myself laugh,

(52:08):
brush it off, tell someone my crazy story.
I love it. And in fact.
Yeah, I had a counselor in my last treatment center that used
to say you got to blow up your spot, and that's exactly what
you said. It's like, yeah, I'll let you
have that one. Yeah.
Oh, thank you, Thank you. Yeah, courtesy of Dave, Dave R
But I love that, you know, it's,that's every time I've relapsed,
it was because I had A and the secret starts as a little

(52:32):
kindling fire in the back, you know, here, it's behind the
shed, so no one really sees it. And then every minute, day,
second, whatever went by, I didn't tell anybody about the
little fire back there. I just threw more gas on it,
Right. And then eventually I'm smoking
meth in an Airbnb with people that I don't know, and some guy
had it, so it seemed like a goodidea.

(52:52):
And I'm back in treatment for the third time, you know, but I
don't, my brain doesn't go there, right?
My brain just looks that. Yeah, but like, think about the
dopamine hit that will come of this, right?
Yeah. Or think about, you know, all
the feelings that'll go away right in this moment.
Amazing. Let's close with this.
OK. And I always close with this.

(53:13):
And I know I always say that, soI'm sorry.
But if you could say something to someone struggling right now
with addiction, with mental health, you know, just come off
a fresh relapse, what would you say?
OK, I'm going to steal from the speaker we had at Willowdale
Shepherd last night because he said to the newcomer what he was

(53:35):
told the first time he ended up at a meeting.
So like, if you're struggling, you know, go to a meeting and
then once you're there, you are in the right place and
everything's going to be OK. Simple.
Yeah, you're in the right place and everything's going to be OK.
I love it. And, and for those that, you

(53:57):
know, hate 12 step meetings, it's OK, right?
But there's, there's SMART Recovery, there's tons of other
meetings, absolutely tons of other recovery groups.
I love, I love that because it'slike we can over complicate it,
right? So much.
And it's like just show up to a place where other people have
your best interests in mind. They're sober, preferably sober

(54:18):
and working on themselves, and the rest will kind of work
itself out, right? But you got to show up.
Even if you're you're not at a meeting yet, you're home, you're
isolating, feel lonely. If you if you fall to get get on
your knees, put your hands up, out, palms up, right.
You're in the right place. Even in that state, you're in
the right place and everything'sgoing to be OK.
Yeah, yeah. It will, as long as I don't pick

(54:41):
up today too, right? Yeah, and all One day at a time.
Future is unknowable and we don't have to worry about it
because of that. So just just today, just in this
moment, even because you can only be with God if you are in
the moment. God doesn't exist tomorrow or
yesterday. He's here right now.
That's it. And I choose to call my higher

(55:03):
power God. But I I just want to clarify
that it's not a religious God. Yeah, I always say it's a 3
letter word. That's easier, right?
Great outdoors, group of drunks,good orderly direction.
I love it. Thanks so much for coming down,
Chloe. Thank.
You so much for having it's. Amazing.
Yeah, I feel energized right now.
It's not because of the Red Bull.
I mean, it's a little bit because of that, a little bit

(55:24):
because you got a great energy and I think you can continue to
help a lot of people. I'd like to, yeah.
If I can combine my passion for performance and addiction, I'll
have it. Made in the shade, baby.
Like that would be the dream. Yeah, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you, Anthony.
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel

(55:45):
and like, share and subscribe for more content.
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
informational and motivational purposes only.
This content is not a substitutefor professional medical advice,
addiction treatment, or therapy.If you or someone you know is
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
physician, addiction specialist,or mental health health

(56:06):
professional. You are no longer alone.

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