June 20, 2025 • 40 mins
Welcome to Recovering Out Loud, where we get real about mental health and addiction recovery. In this powerful episode, Bill Ritchie, a certified generational trauma and motivational mindset coach from Cambridge, Ontario, shares his deeply personal story of overcoming emotional and physical abuse.
Bill discusses the impact of growing up with toxic and emotionally unavailable parents, how generational trauma shapes addiction, and practical tools for healing — including setting boundaries without guilt and coping with lifelong triggers.
If you’ve ever struggled with trauma, family pain, or addiction, this episode offers hope, insight, and actionable steps toward emotional freedom.
🔗 Connect with Bill Ritchie :Website: http://coachbill4u.com/
Instagram & Facebook: @coachbillforyou
If you found value in this episode, please LIKE, SHARE, and SUBSCRIBE for more real stories about recovery and healing.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello everyone, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud
podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and
addiction recovery. Today's guest is Bill Ritchie, a
certified generational trauma and motivational mindset coach
based in Cambridge, ON. Bill helps adults who grew up
with toxic or emotionally unavailable parents break free
(00:22):
from guilt, set healthy boundaries, and start healing
for real. His work is deeply personal.
Bill grew up in a home filled with emotional and physical
abuse and spent years stuck in silence trying to earn love from
a father who never truly saw him.
And now he helps others transform that kind of pain into
power. He's the creator of the course
Breaking Free A4 module, Journeyto Emotional Freedom, and Bill
(00:44):
is passionate about helping others reclaim their voice and
live life on their own terms. Enjoy the show.
(01:06):
Bill Ritchie, thanks for coming down, man.
I appreciate it. Well, thanks for having me
Anthony. I appreciate the the
opportunity. Yeah, you're coming in from
Cambridge ON, So, yeah. So I appreciate you coming down.
You know, you reached out to me and said you were interested in
talking about a a little bit different than addiction, but I
appreciate it because it all relates back to addiction,
(01:29):
right? Like these are, you know,
something that I learned pretty late into my recovery is that
alcohol and drugs are not my problem.
They're my solution to my underlying problems, right?
And I'm excited to talk to you today about, you know, trauma
and generational trauma 'cause these are all things that I had
no idea what they meant before. But I'm learning that they play
(01:51):
a really big part in a lot of people's lives in addiction and,
and mine certainly as well, right?
Why don't we start? Why don't you explain you know
your definition or the definition of trauma?
Yeah, so trauma and generationaltrauma specifically is basically
pain that's passed down through families, right.
So I don't know your full story,but maybe in a person who's
(02:15):
having problem with addiction, maybe their their father was an
alcoholic, maybe their grandmother was or another
family member, right. So sometimes that's the only
thing you see as a child, right.So that's kind of the the nuts
and bolts of it. Yeah.
And so it it doesn't even have to just be like alcoholism or
(02:35):
addiction to right. Like let's say, for example, you
know, someone's grandparents was, you know, extreme example
of the Holocaust or a part of the Holocaust.
And I'm learning that that that trauma gets kind of passed down.
Is that right? Like in some sort of way?
Yeah, I can't speak to that specifically, but it's the same
kind of thing, right. So like in, in my situation,
we'll be talking more about thisas we progress today with, you
(03:00):
know, dealing with difficult, toxic parents, right?
And all that stuff is, is passeddown in, in, in trauma in
families as well, 'cause people have never broken that cycle.
They've never fixed it, right? They've never hand or they've,
or especially they've never healed themselves, right?
So it's the only thing they knowand they pass it down to their
kids, grandkids. Yeah.
(03:20):
So why don't you talk a little bit about your experience with
trauma then? Yeah, so mine's been fun.
Yeah. So I grew up so basically my my
mom and my dad got divorced whenI was 2.
So I never remember my original parents together.
And then my dad got long story. You don't need to go into all of
it, but my dad got basically custody of me.
(03:42):
I only got to see my mom every 3rd weekend, right.
So and then was about 5-6, closeto six years old, my dad met a
lady and which in turn turned into my stepmother.
So my stepmother physically and emotionally abused me for many
years, from roughly the age of 6to 1314 when I started to rebel
(04:07):
and come out of that a little bit.
And then with my dad, I just never felt heard from him.
You know, There's like just no emotion.
My dad worked a lot. He didn't see any of this abuse
shit coming from my stepmother, right?
So. And it's, it's like, how do you
you can't even begin to think about how you would bring that
(04:28):
up to him too, right? Like it's so.
Hard and the abuser has such a hold on you right and all the
threats on you where I still hada relationship with my mom as
well like but I couldn't even tell my mom right.
If I had the courage when I was younger to be able to tell my
mom then then stuff would have stopped.
My mom would have jumped in right so.
What, what was the moment for you where you kind of realized
(04:50):
that one, you could heal from this, but also that it was a
problem in the first place? I didn't really, it sounds crazy
but I didn't really figure a lotof this stuff out till I was
getting into my 30s. Full disclosure I'm 53 right
now. So in my teens and 20s is when I
(05:11):
started to lean on alcohol, I started to just party to try to
escape that even though she couldn't physically abuse me
anymore 'cause it's getting bigger.
There's still that emotional stuff.
And I find like the emotional istougher, you know?
So I never full on got I guess labeled as being like an
(05:35):
alcoholic or addicted or anything.
But I just, that was my escape right?
In my late teens, 20s. So then Fast forward, get into
my 30s, I got, I was, that's when I got married the first
time. And then grandkids come along.
So then you just kind of play the family game still like they,
(05:56):
they both my dad and my stepmother both treated my
grandkids like they were fine. I never let them stay over just
for, because of my, my past, right?
So to get to your question, I didn't really start coming to
it. It didn't start to come to a
head quick. I guess I, I parked a lot of it.
(06:19):
I put a lot of it on the back burner.
I never got help. I just kind of dealt with it.
That was always the norm for me.So it wasn't until into my
probably mid 30s, almost 40s, that I started to get some
flashbacks, get some nightmares from from ship, from the past.
Almost like PTSD, yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
And even then I right away I didn't, I didn't go seek help,
(06:41):
but finally I just, I just just had enough and I, I got some,
went to some therapy, got some counseling, but that was
interesting and can maybe go into more of this later.
But like, I thought it was all going to be about my stepmother
and abuse, but a lot of it came back to my dad and not being
able to talk to my dad, right. So that was kind of interesting.
(07:04):
Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's I, I find that therapy is very
helpful. I always advocate for
professional help. And that's why, you know, I love
having professionals like yourself on here talk about
their experience because, yeah, you go into therapy thinking
that you're gonna it, this is the problem.
And it becomes this whole other,you know, gamut of, of issues
that you had no idea even were there, right.
(07:25):
And that's the point of therapy is you talk therapy is you kind
of dig through that and deal with it as it comes and, and how
it shows up in your life today. How does it kind of how does it
show up in your life today? Yeah, today I have AI have a
pretty much under control and that's why I want to help others
with it. From all my experience.
But hey man, there there's stilltriggers.
(07:45):
There's still triggers that comeup.
It could be something as simple as this is nothing against
overweight people, but my stepmother was overweight,
right? So I'll be in a grocery store
just buying apples, and I hear this lady in the background has
the same voice, same shape, almost same look.
And it's like, whoa, right. That just kind of triggers you.
So in that moment, I've learned now some exercises and stuff
(08:07):
that I teach is just like, I have to ground myself.
I have to take a minute, take a breath, or even maybe just get
away from that particular aisle in the grocery store.
The lady is right. So yeah, the triggers still come
up for sure. Yeah, I mean, that's
interesting. I never, I never realized that.
Yeah. Like any, you know, in in my
(08:27):
alcoholism and addiction, I've I've found that, yeah, there was
a lot of things that could trigger me.
I remember them telling me in treatment, and I'm thinking of
this because it is kind of related.
You know, you could be hanging out with friends that weren't
using or drinking, but just something about their
mannerisms. You could tell they were either
hungover or high and that would send you into a a whirlwind of
kind of triggers and memories. And, you know, for me, it's
(08:50):
remembering like the the one hour of good times that I had
with drugs and alcohol out of the night and not necessarily
like the rest of the night. And that's why in addiction,
they, they say, you know, playing the tape forward is such
a powerful tool because you be honest with yourself.
Like, how did that night end? You know, it's it, it wasn't
like good night guys. Like that was great.
You know, in the movies, right? It was like me continuing on the
(09:13):
party by myself, right? And that's when I kind of
realized that I had a a huge problem with it, right.
So you, you work with people today.
You've developed a program, I guess you could call it too.
As well, Yeah, an online course.I do one-on-one coaching, and
then I wanted to kind of bring all the knowledge that I have
(09:33):
from it into an easy online course.
People can purchase a course andget on there and just work at
their own pace. And it's lifetime access, so you
can always refer back to it. But yeah, it was pretty.
So kind of putting what in like into a course, what I what I do
in my practice for some of the tools I would use in practice, a
(09:56):
little a little different because you know, one-on-one,
there's always other things thatmight come up right.
So Ioffer those those two options.
Yeah. And like probably combining the
two would be the most effective strategy I guess.
Yeah, for sure. And it, it depends on the
problem. My, my main niche, my main focus
is, you know, dealing with toxicparents or, or difficult
parents, however you want to word it.
(10:18):
I do one-on-one coaching with, with other things as well.
But like, you know, people are just stressed out or are stuck
and they, they can't move forward.
But that's my primary. Yeah.
So, yeah, it's, it's interesting.
And I want to talk about emotional beefs because I didn't
realize how powerful it was. I remember, you know, you hear
this stupid saying like sticks and stones will make my break my
(10:38):
bones, but words will never hurtme.
Like is, is that not the most false thing ever?
Right. Exactly.
Almost rather have the sticks and stones.
Yeah, absolutely. I think most men would too,
right, Like I always said that I'd rather get punched in the
face than somebody have a deep cut at me about my past or
something that I'm dealing with or my you know, for me, like
something my body image or you know what I mean, something that
(10:59):
just because that you take that and then you use it over and
over again on yourself and you beat yourself up, right?
Absolutely. So like what, what else, what
kind of I don't know, I guess what, what kind of emotional
like what does emotional abuse look like?
You know what, what can you describe?
Some maybe how it it's hard to kind of find out and see code
(11:20):
and. Yeah, And maybe maybe different
for everybody, but a lot of similarities.
I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, right?
But emotional abuse is kind of that thing you can't see, right?
Somebody like you're talking about somebody punches you in
the face, you know, you see a husband beating a wife.
You can see the physical thing. Sorry, but the emotional is, is
(11:44):
so hard. Like it affects your self
esteem, your confidence. I struggled with with my
self-confidence for years, man. It took me forever to to get
confident, right? The only time I was confident
was when I was playing hockey. For some reason.
I was just, I was in that rank and I was like, nobody could
touch me, right? But yeah, emotionally, it's just
(12:05):
when you get beaten down, beatendown emotionally, and it's just
like a continuous thing and that's all, you know, it affects
so many other aspects in your life, right?
It affects your relationships, how you handle stress.
It's just a whole gamut of really, really, really tough
abuse to come out of. Yeah, and you mentioned one of
(12:28):
the, you know, practical things that you could do to kind of get
it because that's I, I believe that's a healthy kind of escape
coping mechanism is, is activity, right.
And I, I used hockey a lot to escape too, when I was growing
up. But I remember being a kid and I
went through a phase where I wasgetting into fights a lot on the
ice. And, you know, now looking back,
I realize that that was some kind of angst that I was, you
know, holding and and it was coming out on the ice.
(12:50):
So there's there's kind of a positive and a negative to it
where if you could also use it negatively, right?
That's erotic because I I thought of it too.
Yeah. I'm not a big guy, but yeah.
Yeah, I mean back. In our day, you could.
You could. Play with it getting kicked out.
Usually there's a there's a reason too, right?
So it's, it's interesting that and not everybody does that.
So no, what are some other, you know, habits, daily practical
(13:13):
tools that people can use to to either heal from trauma or begin
to heal from trauma? Yeah, well, it's seeking help
through, through my a coach likemyself or if there's some really
deep rooted stuff, you know, a counselor, a therapist on the
day-to-day. What we teach you to do a little
bit too is journaling, some breathing exercises to help, you
(13:36):
know, regulate your nervous system 'cause that's, that's
huge, right? Like why am I so wound up?
Why can't I calm down? You know what I mean?
So it's kind of daily, some daily things like that.
I would suggest just off the top.
What what kind of journaling do you either practice or kind of
teach to your clients? Because I know you know, a lot
of people, that and myself included, when I got into
(13:58):
journaling, I was like, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to write. Yeah.
What do you think? That's exactly the same.
Yeah, exactly the same. One thing I'm personally using a
lot right now is just basically a basic brain dump, right?
And I use that before bed journaling for those that are
comfortable with it. You can do it on on the daily.
You could be on your lunch breakand something happened that
morning at work. And even if like my wife does it
(14:19):
on her phone, right? Oh well, I didn't like how my
boss talked to me earlier today or whatever, right?
Or it's just something you mightdo more comfortably in the
evening. But to get back to my brain dump
thing, I, I'm the type of personalways have been that I struggle
with sleep because the mind's racing sometimes, right?
So when you're all emotionally screwed up or whatever, it's
just like, it's called like a brain dump.
(14:40):
Maybe you just write on a piece of paper.
It could just be like spit out aword, right?
Pissed off, you know, frustrated, right?
You know, my, my girlfriend was mean to me today or her husband
was a jerk or something like that.
He gets some of that stuff out on paper, right?
Even if it doesn't make any sense on the paper, you could
read it the next day and like, what the hell is that right?
(15:03):
But that's that personally really helps helps me.
Yeah, I, I liken it to, you know, you have bandwidth like
Internet bandwidth, right? And you have a certain bandwidth
in your brain that you can handle so many thoughts at once.
Yep. And even from a creative
perspective, if you're constantly purging that right,
and getting it out on paper and it doesn't have to make sense,
right? But if you're constantly getting
(15:24):
that out and purging it, you're freeing up more space for
hopefully good thoughts to come in, right?
Because you, I mean, you could. I can't imagine like you're
constantly writing bad thoughts and then it just keep this just
like a never ending flow of bad thoughts maybe for some people.
For sure. Even if I wake up in the middle
of the night, I just have like agood idea, right?
Oh, I could use that in the nextsession with with a client.
(15:44):
I'll write that down. So you're right.
It doesn't always have to be a negative thing, right.
You know, Yeah. Do you practice meditation at
all or or teach meditation? I, I don't teach it, I don't
practice. I'm trying to get into it.
It's, it's more of a mindfulnessthing for me.
One thing I am. So I'm not coming out here
trying to say, yeah, I'm a, I'm a guru in, in that field, right.
(16:04):
Just. Being we have enough of those.
OK, Yeah, yeah, just just being honest.
I would love to like, I would love to be able to sit there,
but one thing I do in the morning, so they say we're not
supposed to go onto our devices first thing in the morning,
right? It just kills your brain.
It right? I'm guilty of it.
You shut your alarm. Everything's on your phone now,
right? You shut your alarm off on the
phone. You check.
Oh emails. Oh appointments.
(16:25):
For the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
So what I try to do when I firstget out of bed, go to the
washroom, come back, I just likeclose my eyes and I, you know,
they do this thing where om, youknow, like that that's kind of a
form of meditation. But I just do something whatever
with my hands and I just sit there and even if it's kind of
like a little mantra, you you make up.
I don't have an official mantra,but it's just like, OK, I can do
(16:47):
this. I'm going to do this.
Let's do this, you know, like something so blind.
Just repeat it. And I got it from Mindvalley.
You heard of Mindvalley? The.
Yeah. So Mindvalley's a pretty big,
you know, counseling and and thing online.
So the gentleman's name's escaping me.
I'll. I'll remember as soon.
As soon as the door. Yeah, I'll, I'll e-mail you
(17:10):
that. A really, really good guy.
He's, you know, you start at say, maybe doing it for a minute
or or two minutes, right? And then like you count back
6029, you know, and you just repeat the same things, whatever
that works for you, right? And then you get, then you break
it down, then it goes down to 25seconds.
And then maybe, maybe it's just 10 seconds once you get used to
(17:31):
doing it. And this isn't just something
you should do in the morning. If you're stressed out at work
or you're having a moment, some privacy, you can go and do that.
You can go to the bathroom if you need to, Right?
Just OK. Calm down.
I'm gonna be OK. I got this, you know.
Yeah, I love that. And you, you incorporate an
important part too. It's this body awareness body
scan thing too, where you're like, when's the last time you
(17:54):
focused on the feeling of your skin, Right.
Even as I do it now, it's just like, huh, I don't do this
enough, you know, it's like walking in nature.
Same thing. Yeah, well, I, I do it all the
time when I'm walking down and Ilive, you know, downtown,
there's trees downtown, you justdon't see them, right?
But, you know, every once in a while I'll be walking and if I'm
in a good place where I'm focusing on being mindful, I'm
looking around and I'm like, holy shit, I've never seen that
(18:15):
tree before. Like that's beautiful, right?
And then it just kind of, I don't know, it sets up your day
to notice all the good in the world and even the good in
yourself too, right. And this kind of, you know, we
talked about confidence and I think that's extremely
important. The most, you know, most
important conversation that we have with ourselves.
And I, I, I'm not making this up.
I've heard this so many times isthe one with yourself.
Exactly. So how did you come from that
(18:38):
kind of difficult, traumatic past and start building
confidence in yourself? Took a lot of practice.
Lot of practice, not gonna lie because I would just start
feeling good thinking hey I can do this and then something in my
head would knock me back. Down.
Say no, you can't. Oh, I can't do that.
You kidding me? No way.
I can't do that. And a lot of that was from my
(19:00):
stepmother's emotional abuse of like, you're worthless.
You can't do that. Where you you know, so that
almost it just got ingrained in me, right?
So I mentioned before, but through sport, like hockey gave
me a lot of confidence. But you're not at hockey all the
time, right? How do you get through your day
with that? So it's just a lot of practice,
(19:20):
a lot of self-care, a lot of commitment to it, just like
committing to the gym, you know,I don't know, I go to the gym
every second day, not because I love it, not because I'm super
buff, but because I need it, youknow, I need to, to, to stay on
track. So yeah, just don't have the
magic pill. It's just just just, it's just a
lot of practice really. And, and I think that's, you
(19:42):
know, that's the key is like, there's no shortcuts to healing
it in all facets of life, right?I love the gym analogy because I
can't, I, I'm, I sit here today,honestly telling you, I cannot
remember the last time I wanted to go to the gym.
It's been a while, right? But I'm always it's, it's this
like I'm in a comfortable place.There's a gap between comfort
and discomfort. I have to start, right?
(20:05):
It's the hardest part of starting anything.
I have to get through that. I'm an uncomfortable place.
And then I'm at the gym and I'm like, oh, that wasn't so bad.
And now I can work out. And it doesn't have to be the
most amazing, you know, documentable workout, right,
where people are cheering and I'm getting, like you said, I'm
not there to get huge. I was at one point.
That was a motive of mine. But that doesn't work, right?
(20:27):
That motivation runs out. You have to go to kind of push
through those perceived limits in life.
Yeah, a lot of I said push through is like, pushing through
is like the best thing you can do for yourself, right?
Even yesterday I have some stomach issues.
So my stomach was off yesterday.I'm like, no, it's gym day, I
gotta go. So I went to the gym, pushed
through, and nine times out of 10, I'll feel better after doing
(20:47):
it right. So yeah.
You never regret doing it after,right?
Yeah. And yeah, that's such an
important part. So the breaking free course,
it's called, right Breaking free.
Can you like describe an exampleof maybe a module or something
that you know without giving away the secret sauce?
Yeah, no, no actually. So it's breaking free A4 module
(21:11):
journey to emotional freedom. Each module has it's it's own
importance, but one of the one example of one of the modules is
one of my favorite modules. Module 2 is boundaries, setting
boundaries and setting boundaries without guilt.
That's just so huge. Taking the first step in in
dealing with a toxic parent, right?
(21:33):
So yeah. And throughout the with each
module there. So each module has explain just
a little. Bit about of course.
Yeah, so each module has a shortvideo.
I didn't want to overwhelm people with a 2030 minute video
of Coach Bill just talking about, but it's, you know, so
the videos are fairly short. But then you also have a
workbook exercise. So it's got like exercises, some
(21:54):
things you can try, some tips onjournaling, not per module, but
per lesson. So there's four lessons inside
each module. Yeah.
So it's everything from understanding toxic parents to
setting boundaries to healing, you know, emotional healing like
we were talking about. And then the last module touches
(22:15):
on those triggers. Those triggers are pretty huge.
But and they're lifelong, you know, they don't leave you,
right? They don't just magically
disappear. It's how we deal with them.
You know, we can't control them,but it's how my reaction to them
that matters. You mentioned emotional.
You mentioned 2 good things thatI want to get into, but let's
start with emotional freedom. What does that mean to you
today? Emotional freedom means
(22:37):
everything and sometimes can't believe I'm here now, right,
because you're just, I, I felt so trapped in all the emotional
abuse I took from my stepmother specifically, and then not being
able to like talk to my dad emotionally, right?
(22:58):
I just couldn't go to my dad andsay, Hey, this, what's going on
that a rough day or, or whatever, right?
So to have that freedom through many years of, of healing, it's
just it's like that weight is just lifted off your shoulders,
right? Because I know a lot of us,
maybe a lot of your listeners, myself included, like you just
feel so stuck. Like how do I ever going to get
(23:20):
out of this? Yeah, that's the big one, yeah.
So when you finally reach it, it's like, and then you just
want to stay there. Yeah, but that's not possible,
right? But I mean, it's the point is to
recognize it and then to get back to that kind of point place
of to me, it almost sounds like what other people do.
Other people's actions don't dictate in my life, right, And
(23:42):
don't dictate who I am. For a long time, it sounds like
that was your identity, right? Was was how she kind of
portrayed you. And then so, yeah, it's a
beautiful thing to kind of breakfree, break free of this
emotional bondage, if you will, and become this sort of new man
or woman who was always there, right?
You're not like, it's not a it'snot like a character or
(24:04):
anything. It's just kind of kind of doing
that inner work. And that's why today, like I, I
find, you know, I try to surround myself with successful
people. And that's a very dangerous
word. Successful, right?
Because it, you know, to me, to me, success and to a lot of
people, success might be that boat or that car or that, you
know, the white picket fence or family or whatever.
(24:25):
Family is an important one for me for sure.
But success to me is like, am I work right now?
Am I working on myself, right? Am I trying to be a better
person? Period, end of story.
Am I working? And so I try to surround myself
with people who are working on themselves.
You know, I don't care what theyhave or, you know, but who are
they at their core? Are they, do they recognize
(24:45):
their flaws and, and opportunities?
And are they trying to improve that?
Because that makes me want to bea better person, right?
Surrounding myself with people you know, took me a while to get
there I would say. It does because.
That boat seems nice until you get it right and then it's like
oh I want 2 boats or I need a cottage with this boat right?
Yeah, also with the just so if Ican.
Finish off on that if you don't.Mind just also annoying that
(25:09):
you're not responsible for theirshit.
Know the way to put it? Absolutely no.
You can swear. Oh.
I try not to, but yeah, so like,because in so many situations
with parents specifically, like the guilt they lay on you, the,
you know, you're responsible forthem having a bad day, right?
(25:30):
So to be emotionally free of that now, it's, it's pretty
sweet. Yeah, and like all facets of
your life, you know, if somebody's pissed off at you,
it's like this is your problem. Exactly.
And you need to or or not, you need to deal with this or not.
But I'm not going to be responsible for.
Yeah, I love that. Person's punching bag.
(25:51):
Yeah, exactly. Or a doormat.
You know, I can be a good persontoday, but I don't have to be a
doormat. That's what I was told when I
when I came in. You don't have to let people.
I think there's a big differencebetween like, letting go and
acceptance. Yeah.
And being a a punching bag, likeyou said.
And sometimes it's hard to navigate that, but yeah, for
sure. And then the other thing was
boundaries. I love that, man.
(26:11):
I used to hate that word so much.
Right. What are boundaries?
Yeah. Why don't you just?
Yeah. So, so boundaries and some
people may think, and I used to think years ago that boundaries
was for the other person. That is so incorrect boundaries
or for you and it's a way of youhealing and for your own
personal peace. I like to use the analogy of
(26:34):
your Yarna beach and and drawingthat line in the sand, right?
OK, well, I'm only going to allow you to cross this line if
if you're respecting my boundaries, right?
And it's not always the easy. I focus a lot in in the course
on it because it was not easy for me personally to set the
boundaries with my father, right?
(26:57):
You just find yourself, OK, I'm gonna have this boundary.
I'm gonna say, OK, I'm not gonnanot gonna do that.
And then soon as they start, you're like, yes, OK, yes, I'll
do that. Yes, right.
So true. Yeah, it's one thing to yeah to
have the boundary and then to implement it as a whole other
execution is the hardest. Yeah, and a lot of times with a
parent, we're always told whatever your story is, that
(27:19):
respect your parents, right? It's from my generation, right?
I'm a bit older than you, but sothen when you set that boundary,
you feel guilty. You feel guilty for setting that
boundary and then and or you setthe boundary and they don't
respect the boundary, right? So then you're.
Like now what? Now what?
So. Can you, what was the boundary
(27:41):
that kind of changed your life or I mean, so something that
really helped you, a boundary? I think it was specifically,
like I said, with my dad and it was just, I'm just, I would need
to be heard right? Because this could be a long
story here. But so I have a stepbrother from
(28:02):
my stepmother's son and it's almost like my stepbrother and
my dad have a closer relationship than I do.
So I'd go. So for example, I'd go over to
his house and it's all talking about about him, him, him, him.
I'm here. I'm your son.
That's great that you have a good relationship with him,
right? I'm not jealous of that, but
(28:24):
where's the where's the relationship here?
Right? So I had to set a boundary was
like, I don't want to hear aboutJay right now.
I'm here. If you like to talk about what's
going on in my life, your life, that's great.
If not, I just, I just can't, just can't do that.
(28:44):
That hits so close to home. I know a few people in my life
that have that problem where you're you're together, you're
spending time with family, said family member.
And the only topic of conversation, it always comes
back to, yeah, other family member.
It's exhausting. It is so that that's tough to to
have that conversation. You know, with that there must
(29:06):
have been a hard thing to. Do yeah.
And I don't know if he's fully, fully gotten it.
In that moment, he was a, you know, little taken back and then
so I don't want to refer to him as a bully, but it's almost like
when you stand up to a bully, right, they usually back down.
Not always. There's some, and I have some,
(29:27):
some people I talked to some clients I talked to about just
they, they've tried to set boundaries and it just has not
worked for them. So then it's space.
It's like time out. I need some space away from you
until you can start respecting those boundaries, right?
And it doesn't have to be 50 boundaries.
It can just be what's important to you.
Yeah. Start with one, right?
(29:48):
Yeah. And then yeah, I love that.
The other thing about boundariestoo, is the result of the
boundary is like you said, it's it's So what I was taught in
treatment this last time becausewe did a lot of work on trauma
and boundaries is the boundary is the the point of the boundary
is to strengthen the relationship, right.
Instead of, you know, a lot of people think, like you said, you
(30:08):
draw this line in the sand and you're over there, I'm over
here, and it's going to stay that way.
It actually brings people closertogether.
Can you explain that a little bit?
Like what? Yeah, for sure, because you're
you're finally asking for a little respect, right?
I use go back to hockey again. So I used to coach hockey as
well. And you'll have some coaches
that are like, you got to respect the coach or teacher,
(30:31):
right? You got to respect me.
You got to respect me. But I never believed in that.
I always believed like I would have a beginning of the year
meeting with the kids and the parents, right?
And I would always say, OK, as agood player, you need to respect
the coaches and what we're trying to teach you and, and,
and whatever. On the flip side of that, as a
coach, I need to earn your respect because the respect is
(30:54):
earned, not not given. Sorry if I veered off a little.
Bit no, no, no question. But yeah, so it's, it's you're
saying it can bring you closer together for sure 'cause that
person may not even fully realize, like my father was
like, he never talked to his parents.
And that's all part of how the, the generational trauma can, can
(31:16):
come down, right? So you didn't have a clue on how
to talk about anything. And even to this day, it's very
basic. I'm not saying we have like a
perfect relationship or anythinglike that.
But finally, I'm living on on more my terms now, right?
You know, talk about my brother.Hey, whatever, that's great,
right? But I'm here right now in the
(31:36):
moment. So I think that brought us a
little closer to the point of atleast he understands that a
touch better now. It's not perfect, but.
It's almost like, hey, there's this, you know?
You're not the problem, Dad, butthere's this, there's an issue
on the table here. How can we work together as a
team to sort of address that issue, right?
(31:59):
It's not don't make it personal.It's not about me versus you,
right? It's let's attack this problem
together and then yeah, absolutely.
It brings us closer in the long run because hey, I didn't even
realize I was doing that, man, I'm sorry.
Or maybe it's not sorry. I know it's my dad.
Can be hard for that generation.Yeah, there's no apologies
usually. But sometimes.
(32:20):
If they at least get the understanding of where you're
coming from. And I think that's all we want,
right? To have that.
That it's not me versus you. I think that's the important
part. Let's get closer together and
solve this. Yeah, because there's a way to
set those boundaries where you don't want the person to feel
attacked either, even though they may have not respected you
your whole life. Because you come out like
(32:40):
anybody, right? Come out you aggressively.
What are you gonna do? You're going to stand up and
defend yourself while this guy'scoming at me, right?
So. That's actually an important
point too, is the language around it, right?
So what does that look like to you?
Like how do you kind of word that?
Because words are important. Yeah, I think it's using I
statements. You know, you heard of I
statements, so I statements something very.
(33:02):
It's not like you did that to meand I don't like it.
It brought me like, I didn't appreciate how you reacted in
that moment towards me or somebody's like cutting you off
all the time. You could say I would just like
to finish my sentence before youknow you respond.
(33:23):
Or I feel disrespected. I was taught that I feel too,
right. The eye savings are, yeah, the
eye feels are good. Because, yeah, you can't argue
with feelings, right? You can argue with thoughts and
ideas and points. But you know that I feel hurt
when you cut me off. And, like, I think that's
uncomfortable to hear for some people.
Why are we getting all mushy gushy now, right?
But they, they're affecting yourfeelings in a certain way.
(33:45):
And that's if they love you, youknow, and they care about you,
they should want to address that, right.
And do whatever it takes. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. Do you have any like specific
cases and you don't have to break anonymity or anything, but
any clients or cases that you know really shaped your your
kind of career or motivate you to, to keep doing what you're
(34:07):
doing? Yeah, well, there's one
specific, but there is the one lady actually we we went to
school together when I was getting certified to become a
coach. And when I first started out, I
wasn't in this particular niche of coaching, right?
I was just, hey, I'm a life coach now and I started trying
(34:29):
to help people. But the more everything came
back to me and I start talking to this lady, she's going
through almost exactly the same crap that I was going through
that I grew up with once again, like she felt like the black
sheep in her family, kind of like I do, right?
So that was kind of a hey. And then I talked to a few other
(34:50):
people that are having similar upbringings, right?
So that was kind of how I got into it.
All right. And so we, I did some free
coaching with her, you know, cuzwe, we knew each other and we
were, we were friends and everything like that.
(35:11):
So it was really, and she thought it was great.
She thought it was helpful how alot of it, how she brought out a
lot of it. And 75% of coaching is basically
listening to people, right? I don't know how much I
mentioned about my mom, but I didn't see my mom much growing
up, but I'm super tight, super close with my mom now.
I I can talk to my mom about anything.
(35:33):
She can talk to me about anything, right?
But not everybody has that, you know, maybe the one, their
parent, their mom or their father had a good relationship
that's passed on now. Now they're just dealing with
the toxic parent, right? So, yeah.
So, so this lady, really, that was a good sign for me to, hey,
(35:53):
I can help people do this just from my experience.
And then realizing I'm not the only one because it's so easy to
feel like you're the only one that has to deal with this shit,
right? But the more people you talk to,
coaching or not coaching, it's like, yeah, I got family shit
too. Oh yeah, yeah.
You know, maybe it's not just a parent.
Maybe it's a brother or a sibling or something, right?
Yeah, yeah. One of the biggest things when
(36:14):
you come into addiction and recovery and alcoholism is you
are no longer alone is a big slogan that I hear a lot.
And it's so true, right? Like I was taught, I'm not
terminally unique. My problems are very universal
problems and just because the guy's sitting next to me has,
(36:36):
you know, been through 4 DU is or, you know, 6 lost marriages
or whatever. On paper, it's like we have the
same feelings about how we reactto life and we have the same
solution, quote UN quote, which drugs and alcohol.
So there's like a common, you know, there's a common element
there where we can heal together.
Now we both have a, a solution to the problem and you know, we
(36:59):
can conspire that way and and there's a lot of camaraderie in
that too, right? So, yeah, that's, that's
amazing. I think it's, it's important to,
to, to. And the other thing too is like
you, you don't know if that you're no longer alone if you
don't talk about it, right? Because you stay unique if you
keep it in and and you keep. And that's one of the reasons
why I started to do this is because I wanted people to hear
(37:20):
things that I had to say, but other people had to say where
they're like, oh, yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm like that.
Yeah, when you hear that, me too, it's like, wow, that makes
you, that makes you feel inclusive and makes you feel
good, right. There's a lot of.
Power in that. Absolutely.
Yeah. Is there anything that we didn't
talk about maybe that you would like to to get into or or
anything that I may have missed?I.
(37:42):
Think you've covered everything pretty well.
Once again. I'll probably think of something
after matter here, but. How can how can people find you,
Bill? Like how do how do we find you?
Yeah, so I got the the course happening, but the easiest way
probably is just on my website. So that's coach billforyou.com.
I'm also on socials, Instagram, Facebook, a little bit on
(38:04):
TikTok, but but mainly Facebook and and LinkedIn as well.
Yeah. So under, you know, coach Bill.
So not to be confused with coachBill Belichick from the NHL,
because sometimes starting to all this, I just Google search.
OK, he's he's first. I guess he's a little more.
Popular. Yeah.
I mean, and yeah, for maybe reasons he doesn't like to right
either. There's a lot of controversy
(38:25):
around that too. Amazing.
Thank you so much, Bill. I, I learned a lot today.
I think it's important to to continue the conversation.
And now I don't think we'll evercompletely break the stigma
around mental health, but I I think the more we talk about it,
the less and less and the more people hopefully say me too.
I appreciate that. And one thing I just thought of
(38:47):
thinking, just as you were saying that closure here is as
guys, it is, I don't want to saytougher to talk than than
females or, or any other. But we like I was brought up
like you don't talk about your feelings.
You know, you don't cry, you suck it up, right?
So that that's a big one too. And I, and I'm really looking at
(39:08):
that as another aspect of my coaching as well.
So but yeah, I, I appreciate theopportunity.
I think what you're doing here is fantastic too.
And you're, you know, your primeexample of overcoming some
pretty heavy, heavy obstacles, so.
There is a solution. You know, there is a way out.
There's another way. And it turns out it's not my
(39:28):
way. You know, it's, but there is a
way. Thanks so much, Bill.
Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
and like, share and subscribe for more content.
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
informational and motivational purposes only.
This content is not a substitutefor professional medical advice,
addiction treatment, or therapy.If you are someone you know is
(39:51):
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
physician, addiction specialist,or mental health professional.
You are no longer alone.
Hello everyone, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud
podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and
addiction recovery. Today's guest is Bill Ritchie, a
certified generational trauma and motivational mindset coach
based in Cambridge, ON. Bill helps adults who grew up
with toxic or emotionally unavailable parents break free
(00:22):
from guilt, set healthy boundaries, and start healing
for real. His work is deeply personal.
Bill grew up in a home filled with emotional and physical
abuse and spent years stuck in silence trying to earn love from
a father who never truly saw him.
And now he helps others transform that kind of pain into
power. He's the creator of the course
Breaking Free A4 module, Journeyto Emotional Freedom, and Bill
(00:44):
is passionate about helping others reclaim their voice and
live life on their own terms. Enjoy the show.
(01:06):
Bill Ritchie, thanks for coming down, man.
I appreciate it. Well, thanks for having me
Anthony. I appreciate the the
opportunity. Yeah, you're coming in from
Cambridge ON, So, yeah. So I appreciate you coming down.
You know, you reached out to me and said you were interested in
talking about a a little bit different than addiction, but I
appreciate it because it all relates back to addiction,
(01:29):
right? Like these are, you know,
something that I learned pretty late into my recovery is that
alcohol and drugs are not my problem.
They're my solution to my underlying problems, right?
And I'm excited to talk to you today about, you know, trauma
and generational trauma 'cause these are all things that I had
no idea what they meant before. But I'm learning that they play
(01:51):
a really big part in a lot of people's lives in addiction and,
and mine certainly as well, right?
Why don't we start? Why don't you explain you know
your definition or the definition of trauma?
Yeah, so trauma and generationaltrauma specifically is basically
pain that's passed down through families, right.
So I don't know your full story,but maybe in a person who's
(02:15):
having problem with addiction, maybe their their father was an
alcoholic, maybe their grandmother was or another
family member, right. So sometimes that's the only
thing you see as a child, right.So that's kind of the the nuts
and bolts of it. Yeah.
And so it it doesn't even have to just be like alcoholism or
(02:35):
addiction to right. Like let's say, for example, you
know, someone's grandparents was, you know, extreme example
of the Holocaust or a part of the Holocaust.
And I'm learning that that that trauma gets kind of passed down.
Is that right? Like in some sort of way?
Yeah, I can't speak to that specifically, but it's the same
kind of thing, right. So like in, in my situation,
we'll be talking more about thisas we progress today with, you
(03:00):
know, dealing with difficult, toxic parents, right?
And all that stuff is, is passeddown in, in, in trauma in
families as well, 'cause people have never broken that cycle.
They've never fixed it, right? They've never hand or they've,
or especially they've never healed themselves, right?
So it's the only thing they knowand they pass it down to their
kids, grandkids. Yeah.
(03:20):
So why don't you talk a little bit about your experience with
trauma then? Yeah, so mine's been fun.
Yeah. So I grew up so basically my my
mom and my dad got divorced whenI was 2.
So I never remember my original parents together.
And then my dad got long story. You don't need to go into all of
it, but my dad got basically custody of me.
(03:42):
I only got to see my mom every 3rd weekend, right.
So and then was about 5-6, closeto six years old, my dad met a
lady and which in turn turned into my stepmother.
So my stepmother physically and emotionally abused me for many
years, from roughly the age of 6to 1314 when I started to rebel
(04:07):
and come out of that a little bit.
And then with my dad, I just never felt heard from him.
You know, There's like just no emotion.
My dad worked a lot. He didn't see any of this abuse
shit coming from my stepmother, right?
So. And it's, it's like, how do you
you can't even begin to think about how you would bring that
(04:28):
up to him too, right? Like it's so.
Hard and the abuser has such a hold on you right and all the
threats on you where I still hada relationship with my mom as
well like but I couldn't even tell my mom right.
If I had the courage when I was younger to be able to tell my
mom then then stuff would have stopped.
My mom would have jumped in right so.
What, what was the moment for you where you kind of realized
(04:50):
that one, you could heal from this, but also that it was a
problem in the first place? I didn't really, it sounds crazy
but I didn't really figure a lotof this stuff out till I was
getting into my 30s. Full disclosure I'm 53 right
now. So in my teens and 20s is when I
(05:11):
started to lean on alcohol, I started to just party to try to
escape that even though she couldn't physically abuse me
anymore 'cause it's getting bigger.
There's still that emotional stuff.
And I find like the emotional istougher, you know?
So I never full on got I guess labeled as being like an
(05:35):
alcoholic or addicted or anything.
But I just, that was my escape right?
In my late teens, 20s. So then Fast forward, get into
my 30s, I got, I was, that's when I got married the first
time. And then grandkids come along.
So then you just kind of play the family game still like they,
(05:56):
they both my dad and my stepmother both treated my
grandkids like they were fine. I never let them stay over just
for, because of my, my past, right?
So to get to your question, I didn't really start coming to
it. It didn't start to come to a
head quick. I guess I, I parked a lot of it.
(06:19):
I put a lot of it on the back burner.
I never got help. I just kind of dealt with it.
That was always the norm for me.So it wasn't until into my
probably mid 30s, almost 40s, that I started to get some
flashbacks, get some nightmares from from ship, from the past.
Almost like PTSD, yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
And even then I right away I didn't, I didn't go seek help,
(06:41):
but finally I just, I just just had enough and I, I got some,
went to some therapy, got some counseling, but that was
interesting and can maybe go into more of this later.
But like, I thought it was all going to be about my stepmother
and abuse, but a lot of it came back to my dad and not being
able to talk to my dad, right. So that was kind of interesting.
(07:04):
Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's I, I find that therapy is very
helpful. I always advocate for
professional help. And that's why, you know, I love
having professionals like yourself on here talk about
their experience because, yeah, you go into therapy thinking
that you're gonna it, this is the problem.
And it becomes this whole other,you know, gamut of, of issues
that you had no idea even were there, right.
(07:25):
And that's the point of therapy is you talk therapy is you kind
of dig through that and deal with it as it comes and, and how
it shows up in your life today. How does it kind of how does it
show up in your life today? Yeah, today I have AI have a
pretty much under control and that's why I want to help others
with it. From all my experience.
But hey man, there there's stilltriggers.
(07:45):
There's still triggers that comeup.
It could be something as simple as this is nothing against
overweight people, but my stepmother was overweight,
right? So I'll be in a grocery store
just buying apples, and I hear this lady in the background has
the same voice, same shape, almost same look.
And it's like, whoa, right. That just kind of triggers you.
So in that moment, I've learned now some exercises and stuff
(08:07):
that I teach is just like, I have to ground myself.
I have to take a minute, take a breath, or even maybe just get
away from that particular aisle in the grocery store.
The lady is right. So yeah, the triggers still come
up for sure. Yeah, I mean, that's
interesting. I never, I never realized that.
Yeah. Like any, you know, in in my
(08:27):
alcoholism and addiction, I've I've found that, yeah, there was
a lot of things that could trigger me.
I remember them telling me in treatment, and I'm thinking of
this because it is kind of related.
You know, you could be hanging out with friends that weren't
using or drinking, but just something about their
mannerisms. You could tell they were either
hungover or high and that would send you into a a whirlwind of
kind of triggers and memories. And, you know, for me, it's
(08:50):
remembering like the the one hour of good times that I had
with drugs and alcohol out of the night and not necessarily
like the rest of the night. And that's why in addiction,
they, they say, you know, playing the tape forward is such
a powerful tool because you be honest with yourself.
Like, how did that night end? You know, it's it, it wasn't
like good night guys. Like that was great.
You know, in the movies, right? It was like me continuing on the
(09:13):
party by myself, right? And that's when I kind of
realized that I had a a huge problem with it, right.
So you, you work with people today.
You've developed a program, I guess you could call it too.
As well, Yeah, an online course.I do one-on-one coaching, and
then I wanted to kind of bring all the knowledge that I have
(09:33):
from it into an easy online course.
People can purchase a course andget on there and just work at
their own pace. And it's lifetime access, so you
can always refer back to it. But yeah, it was pretty.
So kind of putting what in like into a course, what I what I do
in my practice for some of the tools I would use in practice, a
(09:56):
little a little different because you know, one-on-one,
there's always other things thatmight come up right.
So Ioffer those those two options.
Yeah. And like probably combining the
two would be the most effective strategy I guess.
Yeah, for sure. And it, it depends on the
problem. My, my main niche, my main focus
is, you know, dealing with toxicparents or, or difficult
parents, however you want to word it.
(10:18):
I do one-on-one coaching with, with other things as well.
But like, you know, people are just stressed out or are stuck
and they, they can't move forward.
But that's my primary. Yeah.
So, yeah, it's, it's interesting.
And I want to talk about emotional beefs because I didn't
realize how powerful it was. I remember, you know, you hear
this stupid saying like sticks and stones will make my break my
(10:38):
bones, but words will never hurtme.
Like is, is that not the most false thing ever?
Right. Exactly.
Almost rather have the sticks and stones.
Yeah, absolutely. I think most men would too,
right, Like I always said that I'd rather get punched in the
face than somebody have a deep cut at me about my past or
something that I'm dealing with or my you know, for me, like
something my body image or you know what I mean, something that
(10:59):
just because that you take that and then you use it over and
over again on yourself and you beat yourself up, right?
Absolutely. So like what, what else, what
kind of I don't know, I guess what, what kind of emotional
like what does emotional abuse look like?
You know what, what can you describe?
Some maybe how it it's hard to kind of find out and see code
(11:20):
and. Yeah, And maybe maybe different
for everybody, but a lot of similarities.
I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, right?
But emotional abuse is kind of that thing you can't see, right?
Somebody like you're talking about somebody punches you in
the face, you know, you see a husband beating a wife.
You can see the physical thing. Sorry, but the emotional is, is
(11:44):
so hard. Like it affects your self
esteem, your confidence. I struggled with with my
self-confidence for years, man. It took me forever to to get
confident, right? The only time I was confident
was when I was playing hockey. For some reason.
I was just, I was in that rank and I was like, nobody could
touch me, right? But yeah, emotionally, it's just
(12:05):
when you get beaten down, beatendown emotionally, and it's just
like a continuous thing and that's all, you know, it affects
so many other aspects in your life, right?
It affects your relationships, how you handle stress.
It's just a whole gamut of really, really, really tough
abuse to come out of. Yeah, and you mentioned one of
(12:28):
the, you know, practical things that you could do to kind of get
it because that's I, I believe that's a healthy kind of escape
coping mechanism is, is activity, right.
And I, I used hockey a lot to escape too, when I was growing
up. But I remember being a kid and I
went through a phase where I wasgetting into fights a lot on the
ice. And, you know, now looking back,
I realize that that was some kind of angst that I was, you
know, holding and and it was coming out on the ice.
(12:50):
So there's there's kind of a positive and a negative to it
where if you could also use it negatively, right?
That's erotic because I I thought of it too.
Yeah. I'm not a big guy, but yeah.
Yeah, I mean back. In our day, you could.
You could. Play with it getting kicked out.
Usually there's a there's a reason too, right?
So it's, it's interesting that and not everybody does that.
So no, what are some other, you know, habits, daily practical
(13:13):
tools that people can use to to either heal from trauma or begin
to heal from trauma? Yeah, well, it's seeking help
through, through my a coach likemyself or if there's some really
deep rooted stuff, you know, a counselor, a therapist on the
day-to-day. What we teach you to do a little
bit too is journaling, some breathing exercises to help, you
(13:36):
know, regulate your nervous system 'cause that's, that's
huge, right? Like why am I so wound up?
Why can't I calm down? You know what I mean?
So it's kind of daily, some daily things like that.
I would suggest just off the top.
What what kind of journaling do you either practice or kind of
teach to your clients? Because I know you know, a lot
of people, that and myself included, when I got into
(13:58):
journaling, I was like, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to write. Yeah.
What do you think? That's exactly the same.
Yeah, exactly the same. One thing I'm personally using a
lot right now is just basically a basic brain dump, right?
And I use that before bed journaling for those that are
comfortable with it. You can do it on on the daily.
You could be on your lunch breakand something happened that
morning at work. And even if like my wife does it
(14:19):
on her phone, right? Oh well, I didn't like how my
boss talked to me earlier today or whatever, right?
Or it's just something you mightdo more comfortably in the
evening. But to get back to my brain dump
thing, I, I'm the type of personalways have been that I struggle
with sleep because the mind's racing sometimes, right?
So when you're all emotionally screwed up or whatever, it's
just like, it's called like a brain dump.
(14:40):
Maybe you just write on a piece of paper.
It could just be like spit out aword, right?
Pissed off, you know, frustrated, right?
You know, my, my girlfriend was mean to me today or her husband
was a jerk or something like that.
He gets some of that stuff out on paper, right?
Even if it doesn't make any sense on the paper, you could
read it the next day and like, what the hell is that right?
(15:03):
But that's that personally really helps helps me.
Yeah, I, I liken it to, you know, you have bandwidth like
Internet bandwidth, right? And you have a certain bandwidth
in your brain that you can handle so many thoughts at once.
Yep. And even from a creative
perspective, if you're constantly purging that right,
and getting it out on paper and it doesn't have to make sense,
right? But if you're constantly getting
(15:24):
that out and purging it, you're freeing up more space for
hopefully good thoughts to come in, right?
Because you, I mean, you could. I can't imagine like you're
constantly writing bad thoughts and then it just keep this just
like a never ending flow of bad thoughts maybe for some people.
For sure. Even if I wake up in the middle
of the night, I just have like agood idea, right?
Oh, I could use that in the nextsession with with a client.
(15:44):
I'll write that down. So you're right.
It doesn't always have to be a negative thing, right.
You know, Yeah. Do you practice meditation at
all or or teach meditation? I, I don't teach it, I don't
practice. I'm trying to get into it.
It's, it's more of a mindfulnessthing for me.
One thing I am. So I'm not coming out here
trying to say, yeah, I'm a, I'm a guru in, in that field, right.
(16:04):
Just. Being we have enough of those.
OK, Yeah, yeah, just just being honest.
I would love to like, I would love to be able to sit there,
but one thing I do in the morning, so they say we're not
supposed to go onto our devices first thing in the morning,
right? It just kills your brain.
It right? I'm guilty of it.
You shut your alarm. Everything's on your phone now,
right? You shut your alarm off on the
phone. You check.
Oh emails. Oh appointments.
(16:25):
For the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
So what I try to do when I firstget out of bed, go to the
washroom, come back, I just likeclose my eyes and I, you know,
they do this thing where om, youknow, like that that's kind of a
form of meditation. But I just do something whatever
with my hands and I just sit there and even if it's kind of
like a little mantra, you you make up.
I don't have an official mantra,but it's just like, OK, I can do
(16:47):
this. I'm going to do this.
Let's do this, you know, like something so blind.
Just repeat it. And I got it from Mindvalley.
You heard of Mindvalley? The.
Yeah. So Mindvalley's a pretty big,
you know, counseling and and thing online.
So the gentleman's name's escaping me.
I'll. I'll remember as soon.
As soon as the door. Yeah, I'll, I'll e-mail you
(17:10):
that. A really, really good guy.
He's, you know, you start at say, maybe doing it for a minute
or or two minutes, right? And then like you count back
6029, you know, and you just repeat the same things, whatever
that works for you, right? And then you get, then you break
it down, then it goes down to 25seconds.
And then maybe, maybe it's just 10 seconds once you get used to
(17:31):
doing it. And this isn't just something
you should do in the morning. If you're stressed out at work
or you're having a moment, some privacy, you can go and do that.
You can go to the bathroom if you need to, Right?
Just OK. Calm down.
I'm gonna be OK. I got this, you know.
Yeah, I love that. And you, you incorporate an
important part too. It's this body awareness body
scan thing too, where you're like, when's the last time you
(17:54):
focused on the feeling of your skin, Right.
Even as I do it now, it's just like, huh, I don't do this
enough, you know, it's like walking in nature.
Same thing. Yeah, well, I, I do it all the
time when I'm walking down and Ilive, you know, downtown,
there's trees downtown, you justdon't see them, right?
But, you know, every once in a while I'll be walking and if I'm
in a good place where I'm focusing on being mindful, I'm
looking around and I'm like, holy shit, I've never seen that
(18:15):
tree before. Like that's beautiful, right?
And then it just kind of, I don't know, it sets up your day
to notice all the good in the world and even the good in
yourself too, right. And this kind of, you know, we
talked about confidence and I think that's extremely
important. The most, you know, most
important conversation that we have with ourselves.
And I, I, I'm not making this up.
I've heard this so many times isthe one with yourself.
Exactly. So how did you come from that
(18:38):
kind of difficult, traumatic past and start building
confidence in yourself? Took a lot of practice.
Lot of practice, not gonna lie because I would just start
feeling good thinking hey I can do this and then something in my
head would knock me back. Down.
Say no, you can't. Oh, I can't do that.
You kidding me? No way.
I can't do that. And a lot of that was from my
(19:00):
stepmother's emotional abuse of like, you're worthless.
You can't do that. Where you you know, so that
almost it just got ingrained in me, right?
So I mentioned before, but through sport, like hockey gave
me a lot of confidence. But you're not at hockey all the
time, right? How do you get through your day
with that? So it's just a lot of practice,
(19:20):
a lot of self-care, a lot of commitment to it, just like
committing to the gym, you know,I don't know, I go to the gym
every second day, not because I love it, not because I'm super
buff, but because I need it, youknow, I need to, to, to stay on
track. So yeah, just don't have the
magic pill. It's just just just, it's just a
lot of practice really. And, and I think that's, you
(19:42):
know, that's the key is like, there's no shortcuts to healing
it in all facets of life, right?I love the gym analogy because I
can't, I, I'm, I sit here today,honestly telling you, I cannot
remember the last time I wanted to go to the gym.
It's been a while, right? But I'm always it's, it's this
like I'm in a comfortable place.There's a gap between comfort
and discomfort. I have to start, right?
(20:05):
It's the hardest part of starting anything.
I have to get through that. I'm an uncomfortable place.
And then I'm at the gym and I'm like, oh, that wasn't so bad.
And now I can work out. And it doesn't have to be the
most amazing, you know, documentable workout, right,
where people are cheering and I'm getting, like you said, I'm
not there to get huge. I was at one point.
That was a motive of mine. But that doesn't work, right?
(20:27):
That motivation runs out. You have to go to kind of push
through those perceived limits in life.
Yeah, a lot of I said push through is like, pushing through
is like the best thing you can do for yourself, right?
Even yesterday I have some stomach issues.
So my stomach was off yesterday.I'm like, no, it's gym day, I
gotta go. So I went to the gym, pushed
through, and nine times out of 10, I'll feel better after doing
(20:47):
it right. So yeah.
You never regret doing it after,right?
Yeah. And yeah, that's such an
important part. So the breaking free course,
it's called, right Breaking free.
Can you like describe an exampleof maybe a module or something
that you know without giving away the secret sauce?
Yeah, no, no actually. So it's breaking free A4 module
(21:11):
journey to emotional freedom. Each module has it's it's own
importance, but one of the one example of one of the modules is
one of my favorite modules. Module 2 is boundaries, setting
boundaries and setting boundaries without guilt.
That's just so huge. Taking the first step in in
dealing with a toxic parent, right?
(21:33):
So yeah. And throughout the with each
module there. So each module has explain just
a little. Bit about of course.
Yeah, so each module has a shortvideo.
I didn't want to overwhelm people with a 2030 minute video
of Coach Bill just talking about, but it's, you know, so
the videos are fairly short. But then you also have a
workbook exercise. So it's got like exercises, some
(21:54):
things you can try, some tips onjournaling, not per module, but
per lesson. So there's four lessons inside
each module. Yeah.
So it's everything from understanding toxic parents to
setting boundaries to healing, you know, emotional healing like
we were talking about. And then the last module touches
(22:15):
on those triggers. Those triggers are pretty huge.
But and they're lifelong, you know, they don't leave you,
right? They don't just magically
disappear. It's how we deal with them.
You know, we can't control them,but it's how my reaction to them
that matters. You mentioned emotional.
You mentioned 2 good things thatI want to get into, but let's
start with emotional freedom. What does that mean to you
today? Emotional freedom means
(22:37):
everything and sometimes can't believe I'm here now, right,
because you're just, I, I felt so trapped in all the emotional
abuse I took from my stepmother specifically, and then not being
able to like talk to my dad emotionally, right?
(22:58):
I just couldn't go to my dad andsay, Hey, this, what's going on
that a rough day or, or whatever, right?
So to have that freedom through many years of, of healing, it's
just it's like that weight is just lifted off your shoulders,
right? Because I know a lot of us,
maybe a lot of your listeners, myself included, like you just
feel so stuck. Like how do I ever going to get
(23:20):
out of this? Yeah, that's the big one, yeah.
So when you finally reach it, it's like, and then you just
want to stay there. Yeah, but that's not possible,
right? But I mean, it's the point is to
recognize it and then to get back to that kind of point place
of to me, it almost sounds like what other people do.
Other people's actions don't dictate in my life, right, And
(23:42):
don't dictate who I am. For a long time, it sounds like
that was your identity, right? Was was how she kind of
portrayed you. And then so, yeah, it's a
beautiful thing to kind of breakfree, break free of this
emotional bondage, if you will, and become this sort of new man
or woman who was always there, right?
You're not like, it's not a it'snot like a character or
(24:04):
anything. It's just kind of kind of doing
that inner work. And that's why today, like I, I
find, you know, I try to surround myself with successful
people. And that's a very dangerous
word. Successful, right?
Because it, you know, to me, to me, success and to a lot of
people, success might be that boat or that car or that, you
know, the white picket fence or family or whatever.
(24:25):
Family is an important one for me for sure.
But success to me is like, am I work right now?
Am I working on myself, right? Am I trying to be a better
person? Period, end of story.
Am I working? And so I try to surround myself
with people who are working on themselves.
You know, I don't care what theyhave or, you know, but who are
they at their core? Are they, do they recognize
(24:45):
their flaws and, and opportunities?
And are they trying to improve that?
Because that makes me want to bea better person, right?
Surrounding myself with people you know, took me a while to get
there I would say. It does because.
That boat seems nice until you get it right and then it's like
oh I want 2 boats or I need a cottage with this boat right?
Yeah, also with the just so if Ican.
Finish off on that if you don't.Mind just also annoying that
(25:09):
you're not responsible for theirshit.
Know the way to put it? Absolutely no.
You can swear. Oh.
I try not to, but yeah, so like,because in so many situations
with parents specifically, like the guilt they lay on you, the,
you know, you're responsible forthem having a bad day, right?
(25:30):
So to be emotionally free of that now, it's, it's pretty
sweet. Yeah, and like all facets of
your life, you know, if somebody's pissed off at you,
it's like this is your problem. Exactly.
And you need to or or not, you need to deal with this or not.
But I'm not going to be responsible for.
Yeah, I love that. Person's punching bag.
(25:51):
Yeah, exactly. Or a doormat.
You know, I can be a good persontoday, but I don't have to be a
doormat. That's what I was told when I
when I came in. You don't have to let people.
I think there's a big differencebetween like, letting go and
acceptance. Yeah.
And being a a punching bag, likeyou said.
And sometimes it's hard to navigate that, but yeah, for
sure. And then the other thing was
boundaries. I love that, man.
(26:11):
I used to hate that word so much.
Right. What are boundaries?
Yeah. Why don't you just?
Yeah. So, so boundaries and some
people may think, and I used to think years ago that boundaries
was for the other person. That is so incorrect boundaries
or for you and it's a way of youhealing and for your own
personal peace. I like to use the analogy of
(26:34):
your Yarna beach and and drawingthat line in the sand, right?
OK, well, I'm only going to allow you to cross this line if
if you're respecting my boundaries, right?
And it's not always the easy. I focus a lot in in the course
on it because it was not easy for me personally to set the
boundaries with my father, right?
(26:57):
You just find yourself, OK, I'm gonna have this boundary.
I'm gonna say, OK, I'm not gonnanot gonna do that.
And then soon as they start, you're like, yes, OK, yes, I'll
do that. Yes, right.
So true. Yeah, it's one thing to yeah to
have the boundary and then to implement it as a whole other
execution is the hardest. Yeah, and a lot of times with a
parent, we're always told whatever your story is, that
(27:19):
respect your parents, right? It's from my generation, right?
I'm a bit older than you, but sothen when you set that boundary,
you feel guilty. You feel guilty for setting that
boundary and then and or you setthe boundary and they don't
respect the boundary, right? So then you're.
Like now what? Now what?
So. Can you, what was the boundary
(27:41):
that kind of changed your life or I mean, so something that
really helped you, a boundary? I think it was specifically,
like I said, with my dad and it was just, I'm just, I would need
to be heard right? Because this could be a long
story here. But so I have a stepbrother from
(28:02):
my stepmother's son and it's almost like my stepbrother and
my dad have a closer relationship than I do.
So I'd go. So for example, I'd go over to
his house and it's all talking about about him, him, him, him.
I'm here. I'm your son.
That's great that you have a good relationship with him,
right? I'm not jealous of that, but
(28:24):
where's the where's the relationship here?
Right? So I had to set a boundary was
like, I don't want to hear aboutJay right now.
I'm here. If you like to talk about what's
going on in my life, your life, that's great.
If not, I just, I just can't, just can't do that.
(28:44):
That hits so close to home. I know a few people in my life
that have that problem where you're you're together, you're
spending time with family, said family member.
And the only topic of conversation, it always comes
back to, yeah, other family member.
It's exhausting. It is so that that's tough to to
have that conversation. You know, with that there must
(29:06):
have been a hard thing to. Do yeah.
And I don't know if he's fully, fully gotten it.
In that moment, he was a, you know, little taken back and then
so I don't want to refer to him as a bully, but it's almost like
when you stand up to a bully, right, they usually back down.
Not always. There's some, and I have some,
(29:27):
some people I talked to some clients I talked to about just
they, they've tried to set boundaries and it just has not
worked for them. So then it's space.
It's like time out. I need some space away from you
until you can start respecting those boundaries, right?
And it doesn't have to be 50 boundaries.
It can just be what's important to you.
Yeah. Start with one, right?
(29:48):
Yeah. And then yeah, I love that.
The other thing about boundariestoo, is the result of the
boundary is like you said, it's it's So what I was taught in
treatment this last time becausewe did a lot of work on trauma
and boundaries is the boundary is the the point of the boundary
is to strengthen the relationship, right.
Instead of, you know, a lot of people think, like you said, you
(30:08):
draw this line in the sand and you're over there, I'm over
here, and it's going to stay that way.
It actually brings people closertogether.
Can you explain that a little bit?
Like what? Yeah, for sure, because you're
you're finally asking for a little respect, right?
I use go back to hockey again. So I used to coach hockey as
well. And you'll have some coaches
that are like, you got to respect the coach or teacher,
(30:31):
right? You got to respect me.
You got to respect me. But I never believed in that.
I always believed like I would have a beginning of the year
meeting with the kids and the parents, right?
And I would always say, OK, as agood player, you need to respect
the coaches and what we're trying to teach you and, and,
and whatever. On the flip side of that, as a
coach, I need to earn your respect because the respect is
(30:54):
earned, not not given. Sorry if I veered off a little.
Bit no, no, no question. But yeah, so it's, it's you're
saying it can bring you closer together for sure 'cause that
person may not even fully realize, like my father was
like, he never talked to his parents.
And that's all part of how the, the generational trauma can, can
(31:16):
come down, right? So you didn't have a clue on how
to talk about anything. And even to this day, it's very
basic. I'm not saying we have like a
perfect relationship or anythinglike that.
But finally, I'm living on on more my terms now, right?
You know, talk about my brother.Hey, whatever, that's great,
right? But I'm here right now in the
(31:36):
moment. So I think that brought us a
little closer to the point of atleast he understands that a
touch better now. It's not perfect, but.
It's almost like, hey, there's this, you know?
You're not the problem, Dad, butthere's this, there's an issue
on the table here. How can we work together as a
team to sort of address that issue, right?
(31:59):
It's not don't make it personal.It's not about me versus you,
right? It's let's attack this problem
together and then yeah, absolutely.
It brings us closer in the long run because hey, I didn't even
realize I was doing that, man, I'm sorry.
Or maybe it's not sorry. I know it's my dad.
Can be hard for that generation.Yeah, there's no apologies
usually. But sometimes.
(32:20):
If they at least get the understanding of where you're
coming from. And I think that's all we want,
right? To have that.
That it's not me versus you. I think that's the important
part. Let's get closer together and
solve this. Yeah, because there's a way to
set those boundaries where you don't want the person to feel
attacked either, even though they may have not respected you
your whole life. Because you come out like
(32:40):
anybody, right? Come out you aggressively.
What are you gonna do? You're going to stand up and
defend yourself while this guy'scoming at me, right?
So. That's actually an important
point too, is the language around it, right?
So what does that look like to you?
Like how do you kind of word that?
Because words are important. Yeah, I think it's using I
statements. You know, you heard of I
statements, so I statements something very.
(33:02):
It's not like you did that to meand I don't like it.
It brought me like, I didn't appreciate how you reacted in
that moment towards me or somebody's like cutting you off
all the time. You could say I would just like
to finish my sentence before youknow you respond.
(33:23):
Or I feel disrespected. I was taught that I feel too,
right. The eye savings are, yeah, the
eye feels are good. Because, yeah, you can't argue
with feelings, right? You can argue with thoughts and
ideas and points. But you know that I feel hurt
when you cut me off. And, like, I think that's
uncomfortable to hear for some people.
Why are we getting all mushy gushy now, right?
But they, they're affecting yourfeelings in a certain way.
(33:45):
And that's if they love you, youknow, and they care about you,
they should want to address that, right.
And do whatever it takes. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. Do you have any like specific
cases and you don't have to break anonymity or anything, but
any clients or cases that you know really shaped your your
kind of career or motivate you to, to keep doing what you're
(34:07):
doing? Yeah, well, there's one
specific, but there is the one lady actually we we went to
school together when I was getting certified to become a
coach. And when I first started out, I
wasn't in this particular niche of coaching, right?
I was just, hey, I'm a life coach now and I started trying
(34:29):
to help people. But the more everything came
back to me and I start talking to this lady, she's going
through almost exactly the same crap that I was going through
that I grew up with once again, like she felt like the black
sheep in her family, kind of like I do, right?
So that was kind of a hey. And then I talked to a few other
(34:50):
people that are having similar upbringings, right?
So that was kind of how I got into it.
All right. And so we, I did some free
coaching with her, you know, cuzwe, we knew each other and we
were, we were friends and everything like that.
(35:11):
So it was really, and she thought it was great.
She thought it was helpful how alot of it, how she brought out a
lot of it. And 75% of coaching is basically
listening to people, right? I don't know how much I
mentioned about my mom, but I didn't see my mom much growing
up, but I'm super tight, super close with my mom now.
I I can talk to my mom about anything.
(35:33):
She can talk to me about anything, right?
But not everybody has that, you know, maybe the one, their
parent, their mom or their father had a good relationship
that's passed on now. Now they're just dealing with
the toxic parent, right? So, yeah.
So, so this lady, really, that was a good sign for me to, hey,
(35:53):
I can help people do this just from my experience.
And then realizing I'm not the only one because it's so easy to
feel like you're the only one that has to deal with this shit,
right? But the more people you talk to,
coaching or not coaching, it's like, yeah, I got family shit
too. Oh yeah, yeah.
You know, maybe it's not just a parent.
Maybe it's a brother or a sibling or something, right?
Yeah, yeah. One of the biggest things when
(36:14):
you come into addiction and recovery and alcoholism is you
are no longer alone is a big slogan that I hear a lot.
And it's so true, right? Like I was taught, I'm not
terminally unique. My problems are very universal
problems and just because the guy's sitting next to me has,
(36:36):
you know, been through 4 DU is or, you know, 6 lost marriages
or whatever. On paper, it's like we have the
same feelings about how we reactto life and we have the same
solution, quote UN quote, which drugs and alcohol.
So there's like a common, you know, there's a common element
there where we can heal together.
Now we both have a, a solution to the problem and you know, we
(36:59):
can conspire that way and and there's a lot of camaraderie in
that too, right? So, yeah, that's, that's
amazing. I think it's, it's important to,
to, to. And the other thing too is like
you, you don't know if that you're no longer alone if you
don't talk about it, right? Because you stay unique if you
keep it in and and you keep. And that's one of the reasons
why I started to do this is because I wanted people to hear
(37:20):
things that I had to say, but other people had to say where
they're like, oh, yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm like that.
Yeah, when you hear that, me too, it's like, wow, that makes
you, that makes you feel inclusive and makes you feel
good, right. There's a lot of.
Power in that. Absolutely.
Yeah. Is there anything that we didn't
talk about maybe that you would like to to get into or or
anything that I may have missed?I.
(37:42):
Think you've covered everything pretty well.
Once again. I'll probably think of something
after matter here, but. How can how can people find you,
Bill? Like how do how do we find you?
Yeah, so I got the the course happening, but the easiest way
probably is just on my website. So that's coach billforyou.com.
I'm also on socials, Instagram, Facebook, a little bit on
(38:04):
TikTok, but but mainly Facebook and and LinkedIn as well.
Yeah. So under, you know, coach Bill.
So not to be confused with coachBill Belichick from the NHL,
because sometimes starting to all this, I just Google search.
OK, he's he's first. I guess he's a little more.
Popular. Yeah.
I mean, and yeah, for maybe reasons he doesn't like to right
either. There's a lot of controversy
(38:25):
around that too. Amazing.
Thank you so much, Bill. I, I learned a lot today.
I think it's important to to continue the conversation.
And now I don't think we'll evercompletely break the stigma
around mental health, but I I think the more we talk about it,
the less and less and the more people hopefully say me too.
I appreciate that. And one thing I just thought of
(38:47):
thinking, just as you were saying that closure here is as
guys, it is, I don't want to saytougher to talk than than
females or, or any other. But we like I was brought up
like you don't talk about your feelings.
You know, you don't cry, you suck it up, right?
So that that's a big one too. And I, and I'm really looking at
(39:08):
that as another aspect of my coaching as well.
So but yeah, I, I appreciate theopportunity.
I think what you're doing here is fantastic too.
And you're, you know, your primeexample of overcoming some
pretty heavy, heavy obstacles, so.
There is a solution. You know, there is a way out.
There's another way. And it turns out it's not my
(39:28):
way. You know, it's, but there is a
way. Thanks so much, Bill.
Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
and like, share and subscribe for more content.
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
informational and motivational purposes only.
This content is not a substitutefor professional medical advice,
addiction treatment, or therapy.If you are someone you know is
(39:51):
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
physician, addiction specialist,or mental health professional.
You are no longer alone.
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