How Emily Battled Through Trauma and Addiction to get a year Sober

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I was always the person that I'll start tomorrow, I'll start
tomorrow, but I will like when Iwas when I was with my ex and
always having drugs on me and I would be getting alcohol, you
know, driven to me. Like I don't remember.
It's like I have a bottle type shit.
I can't remember. But I always say like, Hey, once
I get rid of all this alcohol and do all of this, I'll be
done. But then it's like I still take
me a while to keep doing it right.

(00:21):
And then once after the three days are done, it's like, OK,
now I want more and it's that deadly cycle.
But I remember to realizing thatI had maybe this, this is a
problem. I think it was, Oh God, I was, I
was just always bailing on people and I was bailing and I'd
rather get high than hang out with people.
And I'd rather be alone than hang out with people.

(00:41):
I'd rather even grabbing a bag with like friends and stuff.
I'd grab my own bag secretly andthen keep it and then just go
get high by myself. And then I liked it because
nobody judged me. Nobody judged the amount I was
doing. Welcome to Recovering Out Loud
Podcasts with your hosts Anthonyand Caleb.
In this podcast, our intention is to help the still suffering

(01:01):
addict or alcoholic and provide you the listener which are
experienced, strength and hope. We share real raw stories of
healing, hope and breaking free.The opinions expressed here are
those of the individuals and notany organization.
Please help support the channel by following and rating the
show. This is the best kind of

(01:21):
donation we could receive. So grab a seat, take a deep
breath, and let's get loud abouthealing together.
Emily, thank you so much for coming on.
We appreciate you. Yeah, it's a little sweaty and

(01:45):
hot, but we, we made it happen. This was like I always say, like
court management and like havingpeople is is so underrated so.
Absolutely. Honestly, I was just saying that
I feel so inspired with all the work that you're doing behind
the scenes. So well done guys, really well
done. Someone who's been on a podcast
for a year and still hasn't haveyour shit together, I really

(02:05):
appreciate it. Yeah, and let's not get it
twisted like you said, we we still don't have our shit.
Together, yeah. And it like and I think that's
like why I feel comfortable maybe.
Yeah. But yeah, it's nice to have
another like minded person on your you said that you have you
have a recovery podcast as well.I do, yes.
So my recovery podcast is calledTalks on the Rocks.
I've been doing it. I know the name.

(02:26):
The name was actually a tough one because I was trying to
think, well, my brother actuallyhelped me out with it.
So I was trying to think like ona rocky, like rocks, but then,
you know, there's like drinks onthe rocks.
So I was kind of going both wayswith it.
But then when I started, obviously things were very rocky
for me. So I went to like Talks on the
Rocks in that way. But there are other podcasts

(02:47):
that are about cocktail making that is called Talks on the
Rocks. And I'm like, like, no.
So there's like ways that you can see it.
People view differently in otherways, but I am really proud of
it so. I'm sure you should be.
Thanks. Should.
Be and I love the picture you have a picture for anyone
listening go check it out. It's a great podcast, but you
have a picture of yourself like pouring out the drink on the

(03:08):
ice. I love that I.
Know seriously. And then that's kind of what
made it right, just the rocks just coming out of it and just,
you know, you want to kind of let it all out.
And I think that was the symbolism that I was going for.
And I think it's super cool. I was saying this to you as
we're setting up, you know, things like that come with
addiction and mental health. They're already so hard to talk
about, and it's cool to see someone else that's putting

(03:29):
themselves out there to talk about these problems.
So yeah, you know, it's inspiring for us as well.
I appreciate that and that's whyI'm really happy to be here with
you guys cuz I completely understand it and I respect that
for sure. And even your name of the
podcast, like Recovery Out Loud,that's huge.
Because I remember in my first episode, I always said the
reason I'm doing this is so I can, you know, do this out loud

(03:50):
so people can stop dying quietly.
Like there was like a thing thatI said and it kind of clicked.
And recovering out loud is the best way for like us at least,
you know? But it's amazing.
Especially because like addiction in and of itself is
such a isolating. The biggest problem for me, one
of the biggest problems is I'm very good at keeping my problems

(04:12):
to myself, hiding in my room, not, you know, connecting with
people. And that just keeps me sicker
and sicker every day, right? So I couldn't agree more.
It's like there's a no brainer for.
Me. Yeah, I love it.
They always say addiction is theopposite of community.
Yeah. That's a good one.
I've never actually heard that, I don't think.
It's so true though. Like if you're not, you're, if
you're doing this alone, it's it's not easy.

(04:34):
It's really not easy. And like obviously everyone has
a different story with it all, but I think it doing like having
people like like minded people around does make such a
difference in your recovery for sure.
So Emily, to give the viewers a little bit of insight on who you
are and what you've been through, I don't you give us a
quick little let down on you. Yeah.
So I grew up in Niagara Falls. I grew up actually in a small

(04:56):
town in Niagara Falls with my parents.
Like my parents are very well off.
My dad was very well off. My mom was at home with us
because I have a twin brother soher hands were full obviously.
But my childhood was really good.
I have no complaints about it. I think there was a lot of

(05:17):
childhood trauma growing up as Iwas getting older cuz I was
always really bad in school and you know how they always
diagnose boys with ADHD? I had it for sure, but they
never thought I was and they never thought I would fit the
profile because I had a twin brother who was just fucking off
the walls and like I would be calm, cool, like I was a
ballerina. I was like collected and so, but

(05:39):
I was so bad in school. Bad in what sense?
Like grade wise. Grade wise, like I was always
like, like just off in Lolla, yeah.
I was just not paying attention.Like math was just I always got
D's, never A's, like awful in school.
And so then my mom set me up with a tutor and the tutor
unfortunately was really bad. He he, I do say it's my podcast.

(06:05):
I don't know why it's hard saying so, but he did.
I'm sorry, I'm kind of nervous talking about this right now.
This is weird. Oh, it's hard, but he used to
like, touch me. You're a professor.
Yeah, no, my tutor tutor. Yeah, and this wasn't at school.
This was like at home. This was at home and I was about
11 years old so my he would comeevery Friday.
My mom would say like hey whatever.

(06:26):
I'm not saying his name, but hey.
And then we work at the dinner table together and he would just
be touching me under the table and going like it is bad.
And I thought in my head, I'm like, is this right?
Like should I? Is this something that I should
be doing in order to get good grades?
Like what the fuck, you know? So it's just one of those things

(06:47):
that started that way in growingup.
I was just always, I always cared what people thought about
me in high school going off and that I always wanted to fit in.
I always wanted to be a part of something and drinking was
actually like kind of late in myI was like pretty late in my
drinking career actually. Like I started drinking when I
was about 14 and like the first sip, I loved it like I'm like,

(07:11):
this is me. This is real.
I was, I wasn't who I was. I was funnier.
I was more talkative. I was just like a better person
drinking. And then after that weed came
and I used to smoke weed every day.
And then from there on it reallyescalated to drugs.
And when I see drugs, like it's mainly cocaine.
And so that really took over my life.

(07:32):
And since I did my first line ever, it was like I'm home.
This is what I this is me now. Like, this is my personality,
this is who I am. You have arrived.
I have arrived. Yes.
It's so crazy. And you know, I always thought
like, no, I would never get addicted to this.
And then like as the years come,like, OK, this could be a
problem, but like, you never know, right?
You're just kind of in this. I don't.

(07:55):
I'm not. Like denial.
Denial. Yeah, exactly.
Or like you compare yourself to other people and I'm not there.
I'm not there. Or like, you know, I have great
parents. I have a great family.
Like I shouldn't be an addict, but addiction actually does run
in my family more for with alcoholism.
But yeah, that's like mainly my story growing up is just always

(08:15):
trying to fit in. And also I was a dancer, a
competitive dancer. So like my dance teacher always
gave me shit about my weight andbody dysmorphia completely so.
Is that a common thing in like dance?
Wow. Yeah, especially in ballet, like
there's a, there's a few storieslike she made us, I know this
sounds really fucked up, but shemade us get a penny.
Like do you remember pennies? And you have to put it in

(08:36):
between your butt crack and thendance a whole like 5 minutes
without it falling. And if it falls, you hear it and
you have to do like 10 push ups or something and she'll fucking
it's. Fucked.
How old are you? I was probably on the same age.
Well I grew up dancing all my life and this that time like
that specific story was probablywhen I was like 8 or 9.
That's crazy. Oh.

(08:56):
My. God, I've never and.
Like I would just go home and tell my mom about it and like,
she's like, I don't think that'sthat's normal.
But I, I just, I love dancing because it's actually an escape
for me in ways besides my crazy teacher and the competitiveness
and just the pressure of it. I did enjoy it a lot and I still
do. You still do?
Yeah. You were telling me.

(09:17):
Yeah. Wow, that's insane.
So like, from a young age, you're already, you're already
being told you're not right, you're not enough.
Thank you. You're not enough.
And that's essentially, you know, they always say, well,
ones too many and a thousands never enough.
This is a disease of not enough.Yeah, never.
One pair of shoes is not enough.Oh my God, never.
So, yeah, like, what are you supposed to, you know, you're

(09:37):
growing up with these like ways of life, these kind of, I don't
know, narratives that they're, they're putting in your head.
How are you supposed to recover from that?
So. Exactly.
So like, how did you deal with it?
Yeah. I well, I think it was just like
always comparing myself, but obviously dealing with it was
drugs and alcohol. That's helped so much.
Like drugs and alcohol were likemy savior.

(09:58):
It was my crutch. It was everything that I wanted
and more. If I had a bad day, it's like,
you know, it's going to be fine.I'm going to get fucked up
later. And then four days later it's
like whatever. But that's like kind of how I
dealt with it for a really, really long time.
And that's why it took me a while to get sober cuz I started
getting sober in 2018, OK. I went to my first rehab and I

(10:21):
was like, it was desperation then for sure.
And I was like, OK, yeah, like shit, this is getting tough.
Like I remember I came home after like a four day Bender and
I like was doing bumps in my carand I came home after a four day
Bender. My parents were sitting down and
they found like a little baggie and they're like, we think you
need help. And I literally like went almost

(10:41):
to my knees. My guests like take me like I'm
so done. Like I'm so fucking tired.
I'm tired. And that was a lot of
desperation there for me. Then you moving forward.
I was still not ready. I didn't do it for myself.
I did it for my mom, my dad, other people, not the right
reasons that they always say. It was a tough go for me.
So now dealing with, you know, shit that I feel different

(11:05):
about. I think it's more of like a
spiritual thing, which I really appreciate when if things get
hard, I just try to like roll itoff my back.
But I don't want to drink over things.
Like it's not enough to drink. Like make me drink, you know
what I mean? Yeah, it's like this, this won't
you know, I don't. I always say is like, I have one

(11:26):
problem, right? And it's whatever, whatever it
is in the moment for me right now, it's money.
Like I have this issue. It's I don't have money.
I'm still recouping and recovering from my last bout and
craziness and staying out every fucking fancy hotel in Toronto.
I'm sorry, I'm still paying for that, right?
But I have this problem and it'slike I pick up drugs and

(11:48):
alcohol. If if I decide to do that now, I
have two problems. Yep, right.
And then I have it just multiplies and it's like it
never ends, right? So it's good.
For me, like now that I'm not using drugs to cope with my
problems, I was talking about this in the last episode.
I use it like when I get like, let's say something's upsetting
me or I'm emotional about something I do with it by
getting pissed off now. Interesting.

(12:09):
Like anger? Anger.
Yeah. So I learned this that anger is
like a, is like a secondary emotion.
It's not like, you know, sometimes you will get mad at
the beginning, but usually the reason that I get mad is because
something is hurting me or I don't, you know, I don't like
what's going on. It's fear, too.
It's. Fear right, so then I'll just
like, you know, fuck that guy he's an idiot.
That's how I deal with my problems, right?
I still think it's better than, you know, putting drugs up my

(12:31):
nose, but. You know, I said like fears and
emotion because like, people look at that as a problem.
Yeah, it's. Crazy, but you need that.
Yeah, natural reaction defense mechanism.
Defense mechanism, right? Absolutely.
And I think that's like when I see people, this is inspiring to
me when I see someone like like,you know, maybe this person just
got told the fuck off. You know, someone just you're a

(12:52):
fucking idiot, buddy. And then the guy, the guy just
doesn't get mad. Just like he's so emotionally
stable and aware of how he feels.
It's like, wow, I wish I could be like that guy, but.
It just like rolls off their back.
You know, cuz like right now I'mdealing with some stuff that's
like stressing me out about workand money as well.
And like, you know, I'm trying to like do this on my own and
not have to like rely on talkingto my family about everything.

(13:13):
I'm trying to be an adult, right?
And it's nothing has to do with anger in the situation, but I'm
getting angry about it. You know what I mean?
I'm getting I'm, I'm dealing with it by getting mad and be
like, oh, it's my boss's fault. It's my dad's fault.
You're victimizing. I'm victimizing, right?
I do that too and I'm still really bad with that and like to
to like yourself awareness though, is pretty good if you're

(13:34):
talking about that right now. You know, victimizing yourself
is always something like that's a coping mechanism for people
who are an addiction. Well, I grew up this way, so I
had to be an addict or my dad, like, you know what I mean?
And victimizing, I still, yeah, it's, it's it's hard.
It's really hard and it's hard to stop.
But I think the awareness is there for sure for you, which is

(13:56):
exciting. It's it's hard to look in the
mirror and be like, no, this is my fault and I'm the only one
who can control this, right? Versus it's a lot easier to be
like, no, it's your fault, it's your fault.
It's your. Fault It's so much easier, so
much fucking easier. I blamed everyone but myself.
Everyone even like for my relapses, I'd blame them on
other people. Like, I'm like, I remember being
like, oh, I was at like a therapy group and some person

(14:18):
gave me a dirty look and I walked out really angry.
So I went and relapsed. Like stupid, stupid shit.
Like just really like, come on, you didn't have to.
And I remember I had a therapist, I would always
because I I would do that too. I would go out and be like my
mom's pissing me off, my wife's pissing me off.
Yeah, I'm going to go. I'm going to go use.
I'm going to show them show. You all hurt me too.
Exactly. And she always said to me, she's

(14:38):
like, you're the only one you'rehurting when you're doing that,
right. You're every time you use,
you're going out and saying fuckyou to yourself.
Like that's essentially what's happening every time.
You use it right yourself. So, OK, so you talked about what
happened to kind of bring you into, into treatment.
I was reading, you know, I, I dothis sometimes I go on Reddit
and I look at addiction threads and people post like what
they're going through and all this.

(14:59):
And I read this one this morning.
I couldn't help but look at it. It was a guy that was about to
go into rehab. He's like, I finally made this,
you know, decision. I'm scared, I'm terrified, I'm
angry. And I just, I was just reading
it and I'm just like, oh man, like I wish I could reach out
and hug this guy right now. And I commented something like,
it gets better. This is the first step.
But when you're going into it, it's the worst decision in your

(15:20):
life. Absolutely, absolutely nobody
wants to go to rehab. No one came on a winning streak.
Yeah, I know there's a song about that I think is Jelly
Roll, but yeah, no, you're broken going into that.
And and I think for me personally, in my first rehab, I
was broken. I was ready, but I was just
like, let me get this over with so I can be good with my

(15:41):
parents. Yeah, you know what I mean.
I was kind of like, I think I just had a spiritual awakening
in rehab because I went into rehab at the beginning.
And like I actually, I, I think back on this, I've talked about
it with Anthony friends, my parents, I don't really know.
There was no real thing in my head.
Like I didn't go to my parents and say, please bring me to
rehab, right. It was just like Anthony said,
it was like this, like the righttime, the right timing happened.

(16:03):
I had nothing left. I had no money left, no friends
left. I was just like, Hey, I need
something else besides this, because I don't even if I had 10
bucks right now, I wouldn't go to rehab because I'd go get
high. But I don't even have 10 bucks
right now. So you know, I got, I got in the
back of the truck and or the back of the car and they drove
me 12 hours away to go to rehab.And it wasn't until like
probably like 3 or 4 weeks, I stayed in rehab for three months

(16:25):
and good. For you.
Good for you. That's huge.
That's hard. And it was like probably around
the four week mark that I was like whole shit, like OK, I need
to be here. I needed the help.
This life is starting to get a little bit better.
I'm starting to think a little bit better, see more clearly,
because for the first four weeks, man, I was like, I had
like the that chip on my shoulder, like fuck this place
these. Guys, these guys are not as
fucked as I am. Yeah, I'm fine.

(16:45):
I'm fine. And I also, I also share this
funny, this funny story. I remember like on the way to
rehab, I was like, there's gonnabe so many sketchy people there.
And then I showed up. I showed up there.
I was the sketchy I. Hear the sketchy one?
Yeah, everyone's fucking glowing.
And light and like. It's just like, who the fuck are
these people? And I'm the one just like
outside trying to light a cigarette being like.

(17:06):
Just shaking yeah. And everyone's like hugging me.
I'm like get fuck on me. Like I'm so much better than
you. And I was also talking about
this with Anthony. And it's sad because like, we're
all blessed in the sense where Idon't know your situation, but
for me and Anthony, I know our parents sent us to rehab, right?
We were very lucky, but like we were talking like, how can more
addicts get help? And it's like not every addict,

(17:27):
like especially the ones that don't have families that are
supporting them, they're completely alone.
Like how do they those people get help?
You know what I mean? And for me, like this, the, the,
the opportunity to go to rehab was like, it landed right on my
lap, right? But for the people that you get
to go, right, But there's so many people out there like you
think the guy right now who doesn't even have a phone, who
only has a tuning to go by crack, you think that guy's
going to somehow go to a library, get on a computer and

(17:49):
try and book himself into a freerehab?
That's never going to happen. Not to mention the waiting list
and I confirm with my wife like to get into a free rehab in
Canada in on in Toronto. I should say it's like I think
the the waiting time was like 4 to 6 months she said or
something like that. Wow.
I'm not going to live that long the way I'm going, you know what
I mean? Like I need to like if.
Sorry, no. But like, if I was, if I had

(18:11):
that mentality, like, OK, in four months I'm going to rehab,
let me get fucked up. Yeah.
And then I'd die. I'd probably overdose and die.
That's a good point. If I knew like OK, I got because
when I went. To rehab this much.
Time my dad come to my house andhe's like we we he he said OK,
you want to go to rehab and I'm like, I guess so like I wasn't
really sure if I wanted to go He's like no like make a
decision. I said, OK, I want to go.
He's like, I'm like I need a little bit of time to like give

(18:33):
me like a couple hours here to get my stuff right.
Like no, like I'll be back in 20minutes and we're going like it
was and he was at my house like 1314 minutes later.
So if I would, if you have like we're leaving in three.
Days. No, No chance.
The three days I would have, whoknows what would have happened,
right? And that's a great point you
bring up because it like especially when you tell an
addict who's like still, you know, 10 feet deep in the
addiction, they're going to tellyou they're going to go crazy.

(18:54):
Of course you know they're goingto sell every last thing they
got and they're going to go buy every last drug they can get and
they are going to get out It's. Going to be a while.
I got to get this in now. Oh, it's.
Crazy. It's crazy.
And I remember that because it's, you know, the, the 15
minutes I did have when my dad had went back to the house, he
probably grabbed some luggage and stuff because he had to stay
overnight. When they dropped me off.
I remember that last 15 minutes I didn't pack a single thing.

(19:15):
I just I did this. Blindly packed.
I just got high off my ass for 15.
Minutes. Do.
You know what I mean, Closet. And it and it was sad because I
don't know if I should be able to talk about this.
I was on methadone before I wentto treatment and like I got onto
methadone probably about 8 months before I went to
treatment. And my parents, they ended up
figuring it out. But like, I would go to the

(19:39):
pharmacy in my town to get my drink or whatever.
And before we left to hit the highway, it was in the morning,
I said, dad, like we got to go to the pharmacy.
And I remember my dad just like the, I could just like feel his
feeling. He's like, all right, man.
Like he, he knew I was sick. He knew I needed it at that
point. And he's like, all right, we'll
go there and we'll get it. Like I know you're, you're going
to rehab. You're doing what I'm asking,
you know what I mean? But I remember that feeling like

(20:00):
I felt bad for him. And I remember him like a
getting out of the truck, me walking to the pharmacy and just
being like, that was a shitty feeling.
I'm like, man, no parents shouldhave to do this for their kid
right now, right? But.
My dad and my mom, they didn't, they didn't.
They're not addicts. They don't understand what I was
going through or how I felt. But my dad was just like, he
could see me. I look like a fucking ghost.
He's like, alright, just go do what you gotta do, right?

(20:21):
And thankfully I ended up getting off that stuff.
For people that don't know, whatdoes methadone do?
So what's the point? So methadone, it's a liquid and
it's a drink you take essentially and it's to help you
get off opiates. But that's not how it works.
What it is is it's a very, very strong opiate, like very strong.
I know people that have overdosed and died on that

(20:42):
actually. And it's essentially, you know,
and I'm just going to say exactly how I feel about it.
You go, you go to this is how ithappened for me.
I knew people than friends that were on it, right?
And I knew the effects of it because I've taken it before.
I actually got prescribed it andit would make me feel great.
It would get me super high. So I went to the clinic one day
so. That's what you you wanted.
That's what I wanted, right? I love it.

(21:02):
I love it. So I went to the clinic one day
as a, you know, a 23 year old messed up kid that anyone could
tell that I was sick. And I asked the the lady to talk
to the doctor And within 20 minutes I had my first dose.
And then I went go back every single week and I'd say it's not
enough. They'd bring me up, not enough
bring me up. And I started at 15 milligrams.

(21:23):
And when I got into rehab, I wasat like 130.
Yeah. And it's a God sent that I ended
up getting off that stuff because it takes it's, it's it
was hard to get off of, but it'sjust, it's, it doesn't help
anyone because if I wouldn't have went to rehab, I would
have, I would have kept taking that stuff because I was getting
it for free. I'm not paying for it.
So you tell a drug addict, here you go, here's your high every

(21:44):
day for free, right. You don't have to go scrounge up
money to get high. Here you go.
I. Never thought of it that way
actually and my dad worked at a methadone clinic.
He's a pharmacist, OK. So I think it was hard for him
to like, you know, look at his daughter and then see people
coming in like giving him the doses and he's like, OK, you're
going to come back tomorrow. Like, you know, cutting people
off too. Like it's, it's a whole system,
but I've never, it's so funny that like with my attic brain, I

(22:07):
thought of that too. I'm like, that would be fun.
Like just going, getting free methadone and going.
But like, yeah, there's I never thought of it just in that way
where people don't want to get off opiates at all.
They're just this is like free drugs like that's, that's.
Crazy. And that's what we do right, is
we take something and we manipulate it and to suit our
needs. So you were taking other drugs
at the same time? Yeah.

(22:28):
Oh my God. Of course, it was just like a
cocktail I was making, right? But that's the one I got every
single day. And the one more thing I want to
add about methadone that I don't, I don't like is that I've
seen this first hand in treatment centers.
So it's a prescribed medication,right?
So, you know, people are going to, to, to treatment like I did.
I was, you know, doing multiple other drugs.

(22:48):
But if when I got into treatment, when I did like my
biography, whatever you want to call, when they asked me all
these questions, they asked me, do you want to get off
methadone? And I know a lot of people who
said no, So they're in treatment, they're getting off
all the other stuff they're doing, but they're staying on
methadone because it's like, it's like how alcohol and
marijuana is it's normalized, right?
Because you can go buy it at a corner store or I could go to
the pharmacy, get it legally prescribed to me.
So, but like, it's horrible. Methadone is horrible, horrible

(23:11):
drug and like for anyone that doesn't know much about Google
it because the effects it has onyour body, your teeth.
And thank God I was only on it for eight months so it was hard
to get off of, but it wasn't like impossible.
But there was a guy that I seen trying to get off of it that was
on it for 10 years and watching him go through the withdrawal,
the withdrawal was like it was I, I felt this pain.

(23:31):
It was horrible. He went through like 6 sweaters
and one day just sweating, you know, he couldn't stand up.
He was literally curled up in a ball in the smokers pitch just
curling up shaking and the guy ended up leaving.
He didn't stay. I think, I think the bit of
hope, and I remember that guy actually too.
I think the bit of hope with it though is like you were able to
get off it and you're doing great now, but you had to come
to a point where you're like, I want to stop this, I'm done.
I want to be clean. I I see the other side.

(23:54):
I see like you said, the bright faces in rehab, the people that
are recovering. I want that yes, right.
And so there is hope in that sense is.
But yeah, you're right. If if there's no solution and
you know, you can go to the end of your life using it forever,
right? And I just one more thing before
we, you know, move on. But when you're talking about
that reminds me of this like whole California sober idea
where it's like I'm going to be sober, but I'm still going to

(24:14):
smoke weed, man. Drugs are drugs, alcohol is
alcohol. It's all the same shit, right?
I was told in Utah one time I was I'm meeting in Utah because
and we ended up going to the same treatment center, which is
ironic at different times, obviously.
That's so funny. And shout out Tyler too, who
introduced us, by the way, I forgot to do that.
Thanks, Tyler. Thank you.
And, you know, I heard in Utah one day a guy said, you know, he

(24:35):
was sharing. He goes, listen, if you're here
for drugs, you know, or alcohol or gambling or porn or whatever,
it's same shit, different shovel.
And I love that it's, it is. It's like we just use external
things to fix the internal state.
Yeah. That's what addiction is for me,
essentially. Absolutely.
And like one more thing too. We keep adding things here, but

(24:55):
for me, I won't lie, like I did think there was a point when I
was like halfway off of cutting off of methadone.
I'm like, no, why don't you stay?
Just stay on this man, right? That's what I.
Was like attic brain comes. Back I.
Guess this was like. This was like 6 weeks into my
program but and it was because it was getting hard to get off
of. I was withdrawing, couldn't
sleep. But I just want to share that
we're talking about maybe a little bit of negative stuff for
now, but I want to keep it positive.

(25:17):
When I got off of it, like it took a couple weeks to be
completely off of it, but I remember like it's just so much
better now. I say this all the time.
Favorite part about waking up isjust knowing how I'm going to
feel, right? And I can do that every day now
because I'm off that crap. And I remember the feeling.
So I did a blind taper, that's what it's called.
So I'd go down every day in treatment and they were tapering
me off of methadone. So they would just give me my

(25:38):
drink and a cup. I wouldn't know the milligram,
right? Because as a drug addict, when
you're doing drugs, you're like,OK, this is the good.
Stuff. This is finally.
You're looking forward to it allnight.
It's. Like a.
Science. I remember.
I knew I was, I was getting nearthe end because I had had about
like say 3-4 weeks left in my program and I would beg the
nurses. I'm like, what is this?
How much is this? Just tell me because I know I'm
getting close to the end and they wouldn't tell me.

(26:00):
They wouldn't tell me, they wouldn't tell me.
Placebo. Yeah, placebo.
And then I went down one day in the morning to get my vitamins
and my my methadone drink and they said congratulations,
you're done and not feeling. I remember you telling me that.
And. I so that's.
Huge. The best part?
My favorite part about all this,so the methadone clinic that I
actually got put on methadone, the nurse, she's such a sweet

(26:22):
lady. She, she, I remember when when I
had asked to get on it, she's like, you shouldn't do this.
You really shouldn't do this, right?
Because I was young, most people, they're a bit older.
I was a young person going in there and she like I could see
like just the heartfelt in her eyes.
She did not want me to do it. And she seen me for months go
back and back and go up and up and up everything she warned me
not to do. I did it anyways, but I asked, I

(26:43):
asked that day I got off methadone.
I said, can I please, because I had to call her before I went to
treatment and I'm like, I'm not going to be coming back anymore.
I'm going to treatment. And she was so happy that I was
going. So I got I had asked the nurse,
I said, can I please call the nurse back home and tell her I
got off of it. Oh my God.
And I had talked to her in threemonths special and I called her.
I was just. Going to say that she was.
Like, Oh my gosh, she said. I'm so happy.

(27:05):
Because especially people like in medical and see addiction and
see it first hand, like we, theyknow that's not us.
Yeah, it's not who we are. And they can see the bright
light that she saw in you clearly.
And it's just such a special, like it's beautiful.
It's like a miracle. The small winds like that make
recovery and worth it because sometimes you might think like,

(27:27):
you know, like, fuck, what's thepoint of this?
Especially like not now. I really see the point of it now
that I got in that time, in thatperiod in time when I was in
rehab and I haven't even been out in the world sober yet.
I'm like, what is the fucking point of this?
Like, I don't even, you know what I mean?
Like little things like that made it so worth it.
I was like, wow, like what an amazing feeling.
I can call someone and tell him I got off methadone about 3

(27:48):
months ago. I was going there every day
begging, just getting me five more milligrams up, up, up, up,
right? And then something like that
happens. It feels really beautiful.
Congratulations. Thank.
You, it's amazing, huge. So Emily, why don't you talk
about you talked about what you were like kind of what happened
to bring you into recovery? What's life like today?
Today, my goodness, okay, today,I hate to say it, life is not as

(28:10):
exciting, but it's exciting in different ways.
Like I'm living in downtown Toronto for sure.
That's when my addiction really started.
I was working in the industry like the bartending industry
clubs. I was you know, doing like 4 day
binges, just like drinking on shift, doing lines in the
bathroom. Like it was fun.
And I would, you know, I was so young, I was about like 20, you

(28:33):
know, 25 maybe where, you know, I would get taken on yachts and
I'd get taken into these nice hotels and like, you know, I was
living that type of dream, but Iwas fucked up the whole time.
And so life today obviously is less than that.
But it's just there's so many more gifts in this.
Like my twin brother, he has twokids and his wife.

(28:56):
They've seen me through shit. And I was thinking about this
with your episode with your sister that it is a family
disease because I totally remember the last time I rehab
or a relapse story, I was like, this has nothing to do with you.
Like it's me. Like, why do you care?
You know, And then they're just like, of course we fucking care.
Like, are you kidding? So seeing having them in my life

(29:17):
again has been a gift. And they asked me to be their
their son's godmother, which is so huge.
Like I was just like me, like what?
Like there's days where they wouldn't let me see their kids.
So gifts like that are so that'swhat keeps me.
But also too like since like there's a lot of shifts in my
first year of sobriety, my mom passed away, which was like the

(29:38):
first month of this podcast or my podcast that I was trying to
put out there. So.
You were sober at the time. I was sober at the time, but
then I relapsed March 18th. I relapsed after my mom died and
that's when things got really bad.
But I was still putting out the podcast because I was like, I'm
done. I'm done.
Because there was a lot more on the line and it this podcast,
like the main reason why I wanted to start the podcast was

(30:00):
like more accountability and it's more just for myself and
proving to people. But like, it kind of sounds
selfish. But yeah, it just today is just
honestly, waking up, not hungover has is life changing.
Being able to be an aunt, being able to be a godmother.
I'm a good daughter, I'm a good sister, I'm a good friend now.

(30:23):
I, I dance now, which has been ahuge part of my recovery because
dance has always been so traumatic for me growing up.
And now that I'm back into it with like a amazing dance
community here in the city, it'sjust, Oh my God, I like, I would
never be able to do this if I was still drinking and drugging.
Absolutely. And just the people and it's
life today is great. I really can't see myself going

(30:45):
back on that other side. And I want to say something you
say like less exciting. I can kind of I understand what
you mean by. There's less like Plex and
valleys. Yeah, sure.
I say this lots. I'm like now that because I'm
very busy with work and our podcast and then try and make
time for other things sometimes I just really appreciate the
boredom. Just a pre.

(31:06):
Because I remember waking up every single day and being like,
almost like you're in the military, wake up every day, you
put your shoes on your it's timeto fight.
You know what I mean? Chaos.
So, and, and that's my brain tells me like that was
excitement to me before, right? And and not having no rules,
really just like rules for myself, like no partying,
hanging out with whoever I wanted, not caring what anyone
thought, no shame, no shame, right?

(31:27):
But now it's, it's nice like to not have that.
Like I said, you wake up every day.
I know how I'm going to feel. I know what I got to to do right
now. It's just up to me to do it.
And I I appreciate that now, because like life before, man.
Was there's so much. Like, there's so many secrets.
There's so much lying. There's so much.
Like, I did this. I did that.
Like, now it's just like, calm. Yeah.
And but we're addicted to the chaos.
At least I am. No, no 100 Anthony percent

(31:48):
Anthony says that all the. Time.
I loved chaos. It's a distraction from how
we're feeling. Right, exactly.
And I don't have. To look in the mirror when I'm
in chaos, you know exactly. It's everyone else's fault, like
we talked about before, right? Yeah, that's beautiful.
I love that. And so I'm gonna have to say
this, but are the pennies still involved in the no?
Oh, my God, That's nice. Well, like, I do like a

(32:09):
different type of dancing now, but it's.
Oh, my God, no. Do you imagine today, even if
kids today had to deal with thatshit, I would forget that if my
daughter, if my daughter was like telling me that when I go
home, like, you're out of there.Yeah, you were fucking out of
there. You mentioned you mentioned
something that interests me earlier with the whole ADHD
thing because I grew up. I know I don't have ADHD, I
don't think, but I mean, I am kind of crazy, but I don't, I

(32:31):
don't think I have ADHD, but I did grow up with people who did.
But when you said that you had ADHD, but you know, you, your
brother had it or whatever and it didn't really like no one
really thought you had it. I don't know if I've actually
ever met a girl like I have ADHD.
Like that's like not like say normal because I mean, what's
the obviously guys get it, womenare going to get it too.
But like I feel like that's not a thing that's talked about a

(32:51):
lot. Like it is women women having
ADHD. No, it's not talked about a lot
and that's why it's misdiagnoseda lot too.
And like I definitely had it growing up.
I was, it was hard for me to concentrate.
So actually I got diagnosed whenI was in Utah from the
psychiatrist there. And I was like, yes, like
finally, you know, like I can feel something and now, you
know, I'm not on like I'm on ADHD medication, but it's not a

(33:14):
stimulant because I know I'd be addicted to that.
So it's a non stimulant. Good.
For you, I wish you told me thatlike four months ago because I
probably wouldn't have listened,but that's that's why I relapse
is because I started going back on stimulants that way.
So yeah, when you said that to me, I was like, oh thank God.
Like I feel so much better for you because it's a dangerous
path. It's.
Such a slippery slope. And that's why even too, like I

(33:36):
had to get surgery on my nose because I completely put a hole
in my nose by doing too much. And after the surgery, I had to
get a piece of rib put out of meand then put in there.
It was a whole big surgery. Wow.
They were just like, OK, so we're gonna prescribe you
Percocets. And I'm just like, as much as I
wanna say yes, I really wish I could say yes, but my mom's

(33:57):
right there and she's just looking at me.
I'm like, no, I'm an addict. Fuck.
And then she's just like, Are you sure?
Like she kept on pushing. It like test.
Oh my God, it that was the most real time and so going back and
forth between like Tylenol and Advil.
Sorry, being like so in so much pain.
I'm just like, you know what, this is going to be OK.
It's going to be worth it. Like I know.

(34:18):
I just know. So grateful that I made.
That that that's a pivotal moment.
And I when you told me that, I was like, that was a you
wouldn't be, I honest. I fully believe that you would
not be sitting here right now ifyou chose the other option
because 1's not enough. It's like we, you know, oh, this
feels good. The pain's going away.
What would 2 feel like? Yeah.
What would 3. Feel like that's exactly how my

(34:38):
like drug of choice was. Painkillers, that's how I got
into, I got into a very bad dirtbiking accident and I ended up,
yeah. And like, I'm not blaming no
doctors at all. I don't like to choose that
path. It was, it was me.
The doctor gave me like a two week prescription and I wrenched
through it in like 5 days. And it wasn't even Percocets.
It was something that was less than Percocets.
And I knew a friend that did Percocets.

(34:59):
And so it's the same ballpark, right?
The painkillers I was taking. So then I went to him and I
remember going back to the doctor and asking, hey, like,
can I get some more? Like it was like tramadol or
something, It was called. And he's like, dude, I just gave
you a prescription like 5 days ago.
So the doctor cut me off. You didn't give me anything.
It's not his fault. It was me, you know, I went in,
you know, I went balls to the wall with it myself.
And I'm not saying that doctors aren't responsible sometimes for

(35:21):
people's problems, but for me specifically, it was me that did
it myself. Don't put a gun to your head.
No one put a gun to my head. I put the gun to my own head and
yeah, it's a, it's a slippery slope with any medications,
right? Like I don't know too much about
like the whole like, like some of the mental health medications
that they give. I think that they do help a lot
of people, but the ones like theone Valium kind.

(35:44):
Of like, yeah, it is a benzo, Yeah, right.
Right. Because myself, I love those.
Yeah, I was taking, I was takingthose as well when I was an
addiction and like. They're for anxiety.
They're for anxiety. When I was thinking like I
could, I was thinking like I could just go to a doctor to
tell that guy I got bad anxiety and boom.
Yeah, I checked my doctors all the.
Time, yeah, we're good that. So good that even in my, in my
like deep, deep addiction, when things first started really

(36:05):
coming back for me, like I was living alone in Toronto, I would
not call my mom for like maybe like 3 to 4 days because I'd be
sleeping and they all thought I had depression.
And I'm like, sure, let's go with that.
I literally said I'm like, let'sgo, just fix me.
Yeah, so I was put on antidepressants and then I was
still so like up and down, up and down.
But I'd never told them about myactual drug problem.

(36:27):
Like I'm like, you guys like it's, it's the cocaine.
But like, hey, here we are. But it's, but it's, it's, I was
just like keeping it a secret, but I was manipulating my
psychiatrist being like, oh, I'mso like.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
What's? Wrong with me like.
That's so funny, man. It's so funny.
My. I remember having those talks
with my dad, like pretty close to the end.
I'm like, we were thinking like maybe he got, like, bipolar.

(36:48):
Yeah. He was told that to you, maybe.
There's like, maybe there's something wrong with you.
And like, my whole life, my dad would tell me like, you know,
you're a special kid, you're smart, you're going to make a
far in life. And then like as the years got
worse and worse, he's like. I don't.
Maybe not, kid. Maybe there's something wrong
with you. And then I remember that phone
call like this was after like a couple months and we have them
like Dad, like, well, I'm not gonna say there's nothing wrong
with me, but like I don't have that.
I was just, it was the drugs, you know, it was just the drugs.

(37:10):
That you take the drugs away andit's like you just magically
become, you know, not at first, but.
It takes a while. The things.
Work. That's funny you say that.
No, it was just a cocaine. It was.
Yeah, it's basically a cocaine. Like, it's like, let's just put
it flat out. And it's actually funny when you
say bipolar because I was with an ex who's also like, he had
drugs around him a lot. And that's probably why I kept
coming back to him because he had what I wanted, but I was

(37:34):
living with him, very toxic, very me using drugs every day
without him knowing. And he's like, maybe you're a
bipolar, Like, why are you sleeping all day and then being
crazy at night? And I'm like, this is the
fucking cocaine. Like, come on, bro.
But then he, he actually went toone of his buddies and got
Adderall and made me take it. And it didn't do shit for me

(37:54):
because it's already high. And I'm just like, I don't, I'm
not bipolar. Like let's just like, can we be
real? But God, that was such a weird,
weird time, just like figuring out my mental health.
But I knew exactly what was going on and it was addiction.
Plain old addiction. Plain old addiction.
Yeah, but you just, you can't tell anybody about it because
you're weak, right? And it's, I think that leads me

(38:14):
into my next question is like, what's for me, the biggest
misconception in addiction and with addicts is that we're weak,
right? What what do you think is like a
big misconception in in addiction and with addicts?
That's a great question. That is a really, really good
question because like, honestly,there are times I wake up every
day and I am grateful that I'm an addict.
If I didn't go through this typeof work, this type of, you know,

(38:38):
trauma work, inner child work, like if I didn't have an
addiction, I wouldn't have gone through that.
And I am so emotionally self aware now that it has brought me
into like a whole other level oflife.
Addicts are not bad people. They are beauty.
Like we are good people. We are weak for sure we will.

(38:59):
Sorry, I shouldn't be saying that, but it's, it is like a
it's a that's a tough one, But Ialways say they're the strongest
people because they are they want the help too.
And if you get better that that helps.
Sorry, I'm not really making. It, well, I mean, you've been
through a lot of relapse, so I would say you're pretty fucking
resilient, yeah. Resilient yeah, I love that
yeah, for sure I. Think that addicts are very

(39:20):
strong people with weak points, but doing what we're doing,
we're equipped with tools to like, you know, to defend those
weak points, right? Yes.
And you mentioned spirituality is one of those.
Yeah, spirituality was a. Huge.
I love talking about. It.
Yeah, I know you do. I know you do.
And I think that didn't really happen for me until my mom died,
which I always like say this like, I wish I got sober earlier

(39:41):
and for her, but it's, you know,you can't go back in time.
But yeah, when I say that, you know, if I was just like a
normal drinker and never use drugs, like I don't know where
I'd be today. And I I'm just so grateful to be
in a place like this. Like, I'd rather be on this side
talking about recovery, talking about what I used to be and
helping other people that way and, you know.
I used to be go through some fucked up shit and now I just I

(40:06):
feel like life is just more morethought thinking of my words
but. Handleable.
Yeah, handleable. Sure.
Precious. More precious.
Way, way more precious. Way more to lose now.
Way, way more to lose. Oh my God.
Yeah. So yeah, the like the definition
of addict and how people view itis always going to be such a low

(40:30):
kind of look down upon, which that's why it's that's why it's
hard. But if it was easy, then
everyone would be doing it right?
And it's a hard thing to admit because I was talking about this
with Ann yesterday, a drug addict, obviously a homeless guy
was asking me for money a coupleweeks ago.
And he, I said, I'll go buy you whatever you need.
But like I'm, I'm not giving youany money.

(40:52):
He's like, I need a tent bro. I need a tent.
I'm like, well, let's come with me.
I'll go buy you a tent. And he's like, can you just give
me the 5 bucks man? I'll go buy the tent.
And I and he, he was like, we'regoing back and forth about it.
And I said, you know, if you just want this money to get
high, just tell me. I said, like, I've been through
it too, bro. Like, just tell me.
And then he said, yeah, like, OK, I, I need to get high.
I feel like shit right now. And what I got from that was
that this guy is on the side of the street asking people for

(41:15):
money, right? But, and he's not afraid to do
that, but he's still afraid to admit to to anyone that he's a
drug addict, right? And that goes to show, like, I
mean, I can tell you right now Iwould have, I don't know if I
have what it what takes, what ittakes in me to go on the side of
the road and ask someone for a tuning that takes.
Oh, God. Right.
But this, I've never thought of it.
But he still wouldn't admit thathe was for drugs, you know what

(41:37):
I mean, until I said, hey, man, like, it's OK.
You can talk to me about it. And then he did it.
And when he said it, you could see like, yeah, man, like God.
Like the just the. Like the disappointment, the.
Disappointment and he still feels and he doesn't have this.
Well, I'm sure he does. But like, you know, he puts the
shame aside to ask people for money.
But like, you know, and that's heartbreaking.
But he won't admit that he's a drug addict, right?

(41:57):
He's gonna sit there and do whatwe do best.
Lie and say I know. I manipulate, right?
Well, like in in, especially in probably today's world, like
homeless people and especially in the city, it's grown,
obviously grown and it's, I think people would rather be
homeless and admit that they're drug addicts.
Yeah, it's crazy. It is crazy, very crazy.
And that's what brings me back to my point earlier about like,

(42:18):
I'm not trying to get too political, but I don't even know
in myself, what do we do to helpthat?
Because like these people, obviously they don't have 2
bucks to go buy drugs. How are they going to have the
thousands of thousands of dollars to get into a rehab
center? Or how are they going to have
the means to get a hold of a place and get on a waiting list
and not die before they get intothat place?
Like what do we do to help that?I don't know, but I hope someday
some type of awareness gets brought around that issue and

(42:39):
something gets done about it because it's it's it truly is
heartbreaking. And mine those people too.
But there's millions of people that aren't even on the streets
that are, you know, probably in some trap posts or in some
somewhere that are getting high every day that that'll never get
help. I think that for one, doing this
is one thing that we can do, youknow, we're not going to save
anyone's life. But if we're getting the word

(43:00):
out that there's a better life, that's my goal here.
But I think you're underestimating the fact that he
was able to admit that in that moment for like, for all you
know, that could have helped himone step closer on to his
journey of recovery. Because for me, the first time I
told the truth was I, I've told the story before, but when my
dad, you know, 10 years ago, when I was 23, my dad, all you

(43:20):
care about Anthony, is the next party.
What the hell is wrong with you?That's all you care about is the
next party. And I was like, Dad, I'm not
even having fun anymore. I can't stop.
And that was the first time thatI told the truth.
And it that helped me, you know,I didn't get sober the next day,
but it was one step closer whereI could finally admit that I was
doing something that was not benefiting my life.
And I was killing myself slowly.And like your dad was probably

(43:42):
like that probably made your dadrealize a lot because I I also
said this before. I remember when I said to my
parents, it was like 3 days before I went to rehab.
I went to their house and my parents asking this question for
years, like why the fuck do you do drugs?
Why just stop? Just stop.
But they don't understand. And I said, mom, dad, you know
this conversation we're having right now?
This. Is why I.
Said this is because I can't have these talks.

(44:02):
I can't talk. I can't do anything unless I'm
high. To feel normal, I need to be
high. And my parents didn't even have
like they didn't even know what to say when I said that they
were just like, that's not normal.
That's not good. You need some help, right?
So, but I remember when I said that to them, there was some
type of like connection. They're like, I was just open.
I was honest and I told him how I felt because before I would
just give off that vibe, like I just do fucking, you know, I go

(44:24):
to work, I do this, I'm fine. I just a phase, just a phase
mom. I just, you know what I mean.
But no, meanwhile I'm doing hundreds of dollars of drugs
every day that it's not normal at all.
So I remember when I said that it made my parents, they were
thinking about sending me to rehab.
They were for about a month before it happened, but I think
it happened. Things like really happened
after I said that to them. Like no, like I'm not just

(44:44):
partying and doing drugs. I'm not just doing drugs on the
weekends. Like I'm doing drugs from the
second I wake up time, you know,my day, my morning, my life,
everything revolves around me getting high.
Yeah, I was always the person that like I'll start tomorrow,
I'll start tomorrow. But I will like when I was like
when I was with my ex and alwayshaving drugs on me and I would
be getting like alcohol, like, you know, driven to me like by I

(45:08):
don't remember. It's like dial a bottle type
shit. I can't remember, but I always
say like, OK, once I get rid of all this alcohol and do all of
this, I'll be done. But then it's like still take me
a while to keep doing it, right?And then once after the three
days are done, it's like, OK, now I want more.
And it's like that deadly cycle.But I remember to realizing that
I had like, maybe this is a problem.

(45:28):
Like I think it was. Oh God, I was.
I was just always bailing on people and I was bailing and I'd
rather get high than hang out with people.
And I'd rather be alone than hang out with people.
I'd rather even like grabbing a bag with like friends and stuff.
I'd grab my own bag secretly andthen keep it and then just go
get high by myself. And then I liked it because

(45:48):
nobody judged me. Nobody judged the amount I was
doing. A good point.
And I was like, OK, this might be bad.
And I remember, like, I remembertalking to one of my oldest
friends too, like I grew up withher and she kind of had a
feeling like I was losing a lot of weight.
I was so skinny. Everyone had a feeling,
especially from my hometown and I was living there.
And everyone kind of figured it.And I remember my best friend at

(46:11):
the time, she kind of put me around, but we weren't friends
for a while. But I was like, actually like, I
have like, this is bad. This is really, really bad.
And then she starts like crying.But I'm like, OK, forget we said
on any of this, like, forget it.You know, let's just go have
another drink. And if that was that, summer was
not even a rock bottom for me. I know I had still a lot more

(46:32):
digging to do, but that was a realization of like, I like this
too much. Yeah.
And I'm gonna be like, I'm gonnafight until I can get this next
high everyday and. That's all I'm gonna do.
And like you said, another good point.
You brought up lots of good points.
I'm happy we had you on today. Thanks.
But one of the things that you said to me that that stuck out

(46:53):
was like, and near the end, I wasn't even like, I was like
avoiding friends, but you know, I was just wanting to get high
by myself, right? But I remember the Christmas
prior to the one that that just passed last year, the 2024, No
23/20/2023 Christmas, I come back from work.
I was gone for about a month, month and a half, hadn't seen my
family, right. And I was so excited to see

(47:14):
them. We were talking for weeks
before, Oh, I can't wait to see you.
I can't wait to see you. And I was only there for like 4
days and I had to go back to work with come on with the 23rd
and had to leave on the 27th. So I got back on the 23rd and I
was working in the Bush at the time.
So like I what there was like very little, there was still
some drug use at that point, butlike, I wasn't getting as high
as I would have. I would have been home because
there's nowhere to buy drugs where I was, or else I would

(47:35):
have been getting high. Yeah.
But I come home and I have like aunts, uncles, cousins, like I
have a very, very big good family.
And everyone flew into my littlehometown like they do every year
to have Christmas. And I went over the first night
that everyone got together for asupper.
I didn't even go right. And then I went on the, I went
on the Christmas Eve and I genuinely enjoy these things.
Like I love my family and it's so fun to be around the but I

(47:55):
was just wanted to get high so bad.
I remember I got it was actuallyon methadone.
I got super high, like completely high to the point
where like I was like not even there.
And I went to my everyone was atmy parents house.
And at this point my dad kind ofthought because of my addiction
was about four or five years of getting real bad.
But this is probably around like2 years ago, right?
We're a year and a half and my dad wasn't sure.

(48:16):
He kind of thought I was gettingbetter a little bit because I
wasn't using his heart when I was in the Bush.
So I come home, everyone was happy to see me.
Oh, Caleb's doing better. He found a job he really likes.
I come back and I was sitting onmy dad's couch.
I'll never forget this. And there's like 15 people in
the house and I'm sitting on thecouch.
We're all watching TV. And my I looked at my dad and my
dad looked at me and he knew I was fucked up.
He knew. He didn't say nothing, but I

(48:38):
could see it in my dad's eyes, like disappointment.
Disappointment, right? And then I stayed for a bit.
I went home like barely seen them over the Christmas holidays
and I had to leave on the 27th. And then I Remember Me and my
dad. We had talked about it right,
like before I left, he's like, you were fucked up the other day
when you're at my house. Like he was disappointed and he
was whatever feeling he had, He was not happy right, seeing as

(48:59):
his his son like that. But I remember like just I
didn't even want to be around them.
I just want to sit in my house and get high, not even high with
anyone. I just want to get high on my by
myself, right? And it's just.
The addiction just takes over. You know what I mean?
I have such a beautiful family. I have beautiful friends I love.
I my brother's my best friend and I didn't want to spend any
time with them after not seeing them for months because I was
working. I just wanted to get high.

(49:20):
And then, yeah, there I am, backoff to work.
So, Emily, if you could say something to someone right now
that's really struggling, you know, doesn't know how to stop,
doesn't know what to do next, doesn't know how to talk about
it, what, you know, maybe a woman, maybe a man, maybe a
person. What would you say to that
person right now? OK, so it I would probably give

(49:42):
them a huge hug. I would give them a hug and say
you're going to be OK. You are not bad.
You are not a bad person for wanting to do this to yourself.
You are not stupid. You are not, you know,
incapable. You are enough.
This is a problem that you have and you're going to deal with
it, but you'll always kind of have that.

(50:02):
And I kind of like make it clearto them, I guess this is
actually, I'm just totally making this like this is what I
would do, but I would make it clear to them.
But then I would always recommend therapy or group
therapy or meetings and. Some kind of professional?
Help, some kind of professional help, because I do actually have
people that come to me and say like, I've been so bad I can't
stop drinking and I'm just like,oh God, I'm not professional,

(50:25):
right? But like this is what worked
for. Me, this is what I did.
Yeah, this is what I did and it took me a fucking damn long
time. Like 2 rehabs later, all this
therapy, all this like sober living, Oh my God.
Like it took me a long fucking time, but it's so worth it.
It is so fucking worth it. And yeah, I would just really
tell that person you're not bad because like there's so much

(50:48):
shame, there's so much guilt andit's so attached and it's just
you're going to like hate yourself and try.
You can't like this. You must be suffering so much in
order for you to like want to dothis to yourself.
And we see that. I see that, I hear you.
I see you type type of things. So yeah, I would definitely kind
of approach it that way, especially, you know, like

(51:09):
younger women who, you know, especially like in the sex
industry too, because I have a lot of friends that were in
that. That's a bad slippery slope as
well. I never was in it, thank God.
I, I could have. But anyways, I could have been
easily. But like a lot of my friends
were just like deep, deep, deep into that.
And they had no way out because they were making all this money.

(51:32):
But then your their addiction was also getting worse.
That's a like, I'm gonna touch on that quickly because like as
a woman, like that has to be almost addicting in a way.
Like, oh, absolutely. Like you're a beautiful girl.
You're like, I need some money. I know if I just, you know, put
this out there, like 150 guys are gonna text me in the first
hour. Absolutely.
And then you're gonna get money.You're gonna get money.

(51:52):
Like, and I don't want to say that's an easy source of money
because I truly don't think it'seasy what you guys have to put
yourself. Together.
Back in my addiction, if I knew OK, I got to go through this
shitty thing for an hour with some guy don't or a girl I don't
want to be with whatever it is, but I'm going to get like a
couple 100 bucks. It's like that's it's addicting.
And I actually, I actually replicate that with the tutor

(52:13):
that I had. Like, shit, I have to go through
this next hour with this guy in order to get grades.
And like I always just had, I always felt like, do I really
have to do this in order to be good?
Like, it was just, you know, to the shitty, shitty things.
I don't know why that just came up.
But like, you saying that just repified that in a way.
But yeah, like, the industry obviously, like, I can't really

(52:35):
speak too much on it, but I did have a girl on my podcast who
was in it, and it was tough for her to get out of that.
Imagine, you know, especially with the money coming through.
But when she did get out, it washard for a while.
Obviously you're not making as much money.
But of course you if you want toalign your life into a life
where you kind of picture you ifyou want to have like a husband

(52:57):
or kids like. You have to get out of.
It get out of it, Yeah. It's just not.
It's just not gonna work. One of the one of the many
things that this isn't talked about enough.
Yeah, I think it's important to know too, that some women and,
you know, maybe men too, but some women are forced to be
there too, right? Like there's a huge, you know,
human trafficking problem that we have.

(53:18):
Absolutely. And I just want to add to that,
too, that, and I'll share this in the show notes too.
But there are resources and shelters and safe places where
women can go. Yeah.
And you know, the the important thing is, is you have to you
have to come to a realization that you want to stop.
Yeah, right. You want to get out of it and
then reach out for help. And the help is there because
people have done it before, right?
You're you're not alone. It's.

(53:39):
There and and it's it's it's been easier now, I think for
that. I had a girl I was in a sober
living house who was in the sex industry as well.
And it like looking at her life,I'm like, oh God, that's that
looks hard. Like it just kind of turned me
off of it. Like all the shit she had to do.
It's just like, that's not does not look fun for me.

(54:00):
But yeah, there is a dark side to it.
You know, it is not so glamorousas people probably put it off
like, you know, if you love sex,like, why not get paid for it?
Sure, yeah, that'd be great. But no is there your addiction
comes in too many different. Ways.
Yeah, well, just use that. Thing, Emily, it's been great
having you on the podcast. Where can we find you?
Where can people find you? Yeah, so you can go to my

(54:21):
Instagram. It's called at Talks on the
Rocks podcast with like an underscore.
You can also follow me personally.
It's like the letter MSOUR. I don't know why, but listen to
my podcast. It's on Spotify.
I'm actually, if I can say this,season 3 is coming out May 13th.
Nice. So watch out for that.
I'm gonna have my new episode, hopefully, maybe have you guys

(54:42):
on. Would be a lot of fun.
And thank you so much for havingme.
Seriously, this was a really good conversation and it's good
awareness. Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
and like, share and subscribe for more content.
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
informational and motivational purposes only.
This content is not a substitutefor professional medical advice,

(55:05):
addiction treatment, or therapy.If you or someone you know is
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
physician, addiction specialist,or mental health professional.
You are no longer alone.

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