June 23, 2024 • 36 mins
This episode delves into the profound journey of aging and the myriad ways it impacts our lives. Join the host as they reflect on personal experiences of growing older, the emotional and physical challenges faced by themselves and their spouse, and the evolving dynamics in relationships. The discussion also touches on the importance of mental health, the privilege of growing older, and the wisdom that comes with age. Tune in for an honest and heartfelt conversation about embracing life's inevitable changes with grace and resilience.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:47):
Last week, I think I did some effects. I don't know if y'all can hear it, but I'm gonna try to see.
I don't know when it edited and it did it.
It's cause for celebration. Yes. I hope y'all can hear that so it doesn't just
sound odd, but cause for celebration because I'm back here week two.
(01:09):
I got a lot of good feedback from people that I care about about the episode,
and that made me want to get back into, you know, recording it.
And I'm not thinking about how often and how long I will go through this whole process or whatever.
I'm just here, you know, letting the wind take me wherever way it's supposed to go.
(01:29):
So that doesn't mean I'm not going to have structure, you know,
with the conversations that I have and have a specific topic.
It just means that, you know, you know, don't hold me to weekly or biweekly
or whatever. It's just going to be when I feel compelled.
So, but yes, I'm back this week. Thank you to everybody that listened and downloaded
the episode, for sure. I really appreciate it.
(01:50):
And I felt like there was a level of vulnerability that was had and shared amongst
everybody that listened to it.
And I must say so myself, the audio quality was really good. So, yeah.
But this week, what are we bringing to the table this week?
Bringing to the table growing old or getting older. older, whichever perspective
(02:13):
one may think of aging to be. Ultimately, it's aging.
I'm 43 years old. My husband is older than I am.
And, you know, in the last 10 years that we've been together,
we've seen a few things that has happened to us that has indicated that we are
(02:39):
evolving into to different people than we were before.
Now, you know, there are things that happen, you know, that, that can impact change,
like, you know, losing a friend, losing a family member, you know,
seeing things around your friend group happen, you know, uh,
ending a friendship that happened,
(03:00):
you know, it was a lot of, you know, changes that happened in life that
kind of hits you and it's like, oh, damn, you know, it's not going to be this way forever, you know.
It has you thinking about your mortality and what that looks like, you know.
Often people make jokes about turning 40,
(03:23):
and I make a joke about the warranty running out at 40 and,
you know, having aches and pains and stuff like that that you never had before
or that you had and you just never really paid attention to,
you know, because you were younger.
You could, you know, you could get up at six o'clock in the morning after going
(03:44):
to bed at three and, you know, get through the day, you know,
as opposed to now, shit, I get up at seven by three thirty.
I'm burned out. You know, I'm tired. You know what I'm saying?
And, you know, being easily triggered and emotionally like triggered from just seeing things happen.
(04:05):
You know, you you now as you're as an adult.
With tools to be able to protect yourself, you know, whether it be from therapy
or whatever, you really do have to protect your mental, your,
you know, your peace of mind at all costs.
So, I mean, just with the kind of world we happen to be and,
(04:29):
you know, all the things that are going on,
on, it's just so much that we have to, you know, do to maintain our,
you know, our, our sanity, if you will.
So, you know, my, my husband for probably the last six and a half years has
(04:50):
had, you know, a medical element that, you know, recently got diagnosed.
I think it was in 2021, 2022, if I'm not mistaken.
You know, he has really severe arthritis and, you know, just standard pains daily.
He's been working since he was 11 years old and a good portion of that work
(05:12):
has been physical labor.
So, you know, as one would expect, you know, being the age that he is,
he's been working again since he was a kid, 11 years old.
You know, you would expect those things, but, you know, expect those things
to happen to your body. But how does that affect the relationship?
Without going into detail, for those of you who may be with a spouse or a partner
(05:38):
who deals with those type of ailments,
whether it be arthritis or other types of physical impurities,
it can be tough sometimes to be compassionate about something that is constant.
You know, because that thing can be looked at as a nuisance.
(06:00):
You know, if you're, you know, if you're being completely honest,
you know, you being a someone of sound mind, healthy mind, you know,
being able to, you know, take care of yourself in a way. Okay.
Having to, you know, be there, you know, in a way for another person,
you know, can take a lot of things, you know, in you that you aren't taught.
(06:25):
You know what I'm saying? Like, we're not taught how to take care of people,
you know, in a physical way.
You know, we're talked about, you know, emotionally loving someone and being
there for them and things that aren't, like, tangible.
Like, you know, so it could be very difficult to transition from that,
(06:47):
you know, blissful place or place of, you know, before pain to dealing,
you know, or coming to a place that involves pain.
I hope that I'm making sense, but ultimately what I'm trying to say is there
was a clear period in our relationship where Carlos and I went from able-bodied
adults who could get on roller coasters and, yeah.
(07:13):
We'll be jerked around a little bit to going to too much trauma to his body
sometimes could just be days of pain for him.
So that can be very difficult and a lot of that stuff does come with age You know the time of age,
you know, and some of it is genetics but nonetheless it could be very jarring
(07:34):
because it seems like overnight your life goes from You know a sense of like
able a ableism all right be a being able body to almost.
Morphing into you know a,
a burden, you know, overnight. And that's difficult. It sucks to say those things
(07:54):
in the way that I'm saying it.
And I feel horrible saying it that way, but I'm being real with you guys in
a way that, you know, I feel like is, is, is old.
You know, I love my husband, you know, but I don't love the pains that he's in often.
There's times where it stopped us from being able to, you know,
(08:15):
do certain things and, you know, have certain, you know, aspects of our lives,
you know, that I enjoyed and loved, you know, in the beginning that,
you know, it's just not possible for us to go that way again because of the pains that he has.
And, you know, part of it is just trying to figure out what your new normal is.
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And sometimes, you know, the person who's in pain could be focused on the idea
of going back to the way it was before and being stuck in that moment rather than,
you know, dealing with the, you know, the aspect of, hey, yeah,
this is, this could be my life forever, but it's okay.
(08:58):
You know, I'm going to do things to try to make, you know, life easier and better
for me by just being, you know, aware that, hey, this is my circumstances now.
And then if it changes, I would just be willing to change with it,
you know? So it's easier said than done.
When you're not the person that's dealing with those hurts and pains,
(09:19):
it's easy to say, oh, well, you know, this is life, you know, change it.
You know, when that person, you know, happens to be in pain and I'm just talking
about pain, it could be anything.
It could be mental. It could be, you know, I'm talking about physical.
It could be, you know, emotional.
It could be, you know, something that can't be quantified by the eye,
you know, that could cause your spouse to change or, you know,
(09:43):
evolve into something completely different.
And you just have to be mindful of that process, you know.
You know, when you make vows, make your vows, you know, one of the things they
say, until death do us part, you know, you have to really value and consider
what that means for you, you know.
(10:03):
Because, you know, at a drop of a dime, it could all change.
You know, it could change completely.
Completely um but yeah it's
it's it's tough i think that you know
the arts music and you know just day-to-day life we talk about how you know
people change and changing being a bad thing you know especially in relationships
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but we're framing it from a place of change you know but but it's really evolution.
No one person is the same.
There are going to be things, indelible situations that happen in your life that will change you.
Whether it's good or bad, it's going to happen.
(10:48):
But to be naive, to think that it's only change, isn't really capturing the depth of life, you know?
I mean, I wish my dad would be 73 years old, same-ass man as he was when he became an adult.
My dad would not be able to have
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the conversations and stuff and have the relationship that we have now.
Because he wouldn't have the capacity to be able to handle it,
you know? So change in life is inevitable.
It will happen whether we embrace it or not.
And we have to understand that some change is going to be warranted and some
(11:34):
change is not going to be warranted.
And, you know, if you're on this side of the world, what I mean,
like above ground, you're going to experience it.
You know, it's just a matter of how you're going to respond to that change.
So, you know, I'm noticing that with age, you know, among myself and someone
(11:57):
who's in therapy, someone who, you know, is cerebral in my thought process,
I notice that, you know, that becomes a struggle too, you know,
because you start thinking of things like, when does it end?
When do I stop evolving and change it. You know, and me being the person that
(12:17):
I am, I'm open to just new information.
So if there's something that comes in that challenges my thought process on
something and it makes like sense and it's logical, I will be willing to change
my perspective because of new information.
And, you know, sometimes that could be looked at as wishy-washy.
(12:38):
But for me, it's like, hey, I know more. and as a result of me knowing more,
I'm going to change my perspective.
So, you know, and all of this is just tick marks of growing older.
When you, you know, there are specific...
Changes that happened in your life that we have created as a culture.
(13:04):
And a part of that is like, okay, when you leave your 20s, I think the 20s sometimes
get tied up into your teenage years.
But you know, when you transition from teens to your 20s, and then from your
20s to your 30s, and then from 30 to 40, there's also a transition from 40 to 50.
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And then, you know, the rest of it it's just considered, you know, growing old or older.
And I have, you know, had specific milestones from transitioning from my 20s
to my 30s, very specific.
Like I remember, you know, what was going on. This was in 2010, 2011 timeframe.
(13:48):
And I remember being very intentional about relationships at that point,
me wanting to, you know, have relationships,
meaningful relationships, long-term relationships, because I've had many,
some that have maybe been three or four months.
It's so funny because as a kid, I was like, I never dated when I was in high
school, but when I became an adult, I dated a lot, you know,
(14:11):
and I was in relationships quite often.
That I was thinking about it in a way like, I was saying to myself,
like, damn, you know, I never really dated much.
And then I started thinking of like some of the suitors that I've met and been with over the years.
I was like, that's not really that true, Reggie. You dated some men.
You've been in relationships.
(14:33):
And I went from a guy in, you know, when I was younger, not dating in high school
to, you know, being a chronic dater, a serial dater, if you will, prior to meeting.
You know, two significant relationships prior to Carlos.
So, but I, so I've always been a relationship person, but yeah,
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I, I remember, you know, turning 30 and just feeling like I,
you know, life was changing, you know, mostly because my perspective was different.
A grown older and my perspective on life was a little bit different.
I cared a little less and I was intentional about decisions that I was making in my life.
(15:17):
You know, I wanted to have a career that was going to give me longevity.
Like I wanted to, I was thinking about retirement. I was thinking about,
you know, saving, which, you know, saving part didn't come until like maybe a few years ago.
But, you know, those were some of the conversations that I was having.
And then by the time I turned, I was 33, you know, I was out of my second,
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you know, significant relationship involved with Carlos.
And, you know, that, you know, is where I started to be.
I made the decision like, hey, I want to be in a long-term relationship and
be with somebody that I'm going to be able to travel with and have fun with.
And, you know, we're on the same page when it comes to certain things.
And that led to marriage, you know, and that took me from 33 until now,
(16:05):
you know, being the age of 43.
And, you know, I shortly thereafter bought a house. That's a big milestone, you know.
And these are things that I just felt like I needed to do as a person, you know, as an adult.
You know, I was, you know, a lot of people my age were going through the,
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like, okay, you got to have a family, got to buy a house, you got to,
you know, have all these things, ownership, ownership, ownership.
And, you know, very early on in our relationship, a few months after me and Carlos got married,
we were like nine months in and we were already looking for a house,
you know, and it just all seemed organic, you know what I'm saying?
(16:47):
And then on top of that, losing jobs, we both lost jobs, you know,
during that 10 year period we've been together,
you know, we've had ups and downs, we've had things that have happened in our
relationship that has caused us to kind of change the trajectory of how we see
our relationship and, you know, move away from
traditionalism in a way and move to a place of unlearning behavior that doesn't
(17:09):
serve me that I might've learned.
And that might've been core values of mine because of my upbringing.
And, you know, starting to become even more intentional about people that I became friends with.
My friends list, you know, although can be vast and I have people that I communicate,
you know, frequently having a core of folks that I really just kind of am cool
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with and that I expect to speak to, you know, semi-regularly,
you know what I'm saying?
And, you know, I got to a place like I, for a long time, I had one friend that
I talked to on a consistent basis.
Right. You know, and that person was always there for birthday parties.
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You know, they were there for the wedding, even said some nice things at the
wedding. That has been consistent in my life.
And, you know, at one point it just became me and that one person.
And then recently I added, you know, two more friends, which they wanted me to shout them out.
So, Burjo and Ayanna, you know, have become two more friends that I speak to
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on a semi-regular or regular basis where we talk about life stuff.
And, you know, I make them laugh and joke and be silly sometimes about just my perspective in life.
And, you know, they have become, you know, friends and business partners.
I was going to say business partners, but business partners in business in the
(18:41):
sense that they, you know, drop knowledge in terms of being a successful business owner.
So my circle is small. Not to say that if I call Tamika right now,
she won't answer. She will.
You know, that's the homie. I've known her since high school.
Not saying that, you know, if I call...
Rosalva in California, that she won't be like, what up, Reg?
(19:05):
You know, not saying any of those, you know, any of that.
I'm just saying that, you know, the people that I talk to consistently in my
circle are those three people that I mentioned.
And my husband. I mean, my husband, that's implied.
And getting to a place of like, you know, used to be like, man,
I don't have any friends till now. Like, okay, I'm cool with the ones that I
(19:25):
got. You know what I'm saying?
And yeah, Yeah, our relationships with my friends may be flawed in some instances.
I sometimes might get mad about something that I'm sensitive about or whatever.
But the idea sometimes is just to understand and know that they didn't mean it by harm.
You know, they don't necessarily have to apologize for something that was said
or done. You just, hey, this is how I felt.
(19:47):
You know, let's move on. You know, I don't want this to be a sense of contention
for both of us. But that was something that bothered me and being able to have
a conversation and not, you know, shy away from what the consequences of those conversations are.
Sometimes friends do make you mad and that's okay.
But, you know, now that I'm in my 40s, I realize how much of a privilege it is to grow old.
(20:13):
You know what I'm saying? I think that perspective for me kind of changed to change when my...
Friend Darlena passed away. You know, she was 37 when she died,
just turned 37, didn't even really get an opportunity, didn't get an opportunity
to enjoy her 37th birthday, you know?
(20:33):
And that made me realize my own mortality too, in a sense that,
you know, obviously you're not, like you are going to die at some point.
You just don't know how, when, where.
And my dad always says, you don't know the hour, you don't know the time,
you don't know when, you just know it's going to happen. And it's not in your hands.
So I think our passing kind of, you know, got me thinking of my own mortality
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and then my mom even more.
And then it started to, you know, the world started to feel,
you know, claustrophobic because it was just like a lot of my friends around
me were also growing old and, you know, they were dealing with deaths or,
you know, the aging of their parents.
You know, last week I mentioned to y'all talking to my dad about,
(21:17):
you know, him growing older and what that felt like for me.
And, you know, I have a lot of friends that are going through that too.
And it's, it's, it's, it could be off-putting in a way that,
you know, you aren't prepared for.
And it really just takes, you know, just a good bit of therapy to really get you past that point.
(21:41):
Like, because you, you know, dealing with aging, you know, at its core,
like it being in front of you is intense.
You know, like I look at Rico, my dog Rico, who's 16. Is he 16?
15 years old. 15. Like Carl, Carlos, I was about to call him. Rico is a lively dog.
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He still can be at times, but now Rico sleeps, I would say, 23 out of the 24 hours.
He is in pain. He jolts a lot from the arthritis.
You know, he really just loves to have his own place of like,
you know, he don't like to be bothered. He don't like to be touched too much.
(22:30):
You know, he's just a, we call him a weird dog.
But I mean, in reality, it's just him showing us what age is.
You know what I'm saying? 15 years old for a dog, a Chihuahua is old, you know.
And, you know, I still feel like he has a little bit of spry.
Spryness in him, but I can see it slowing down and it just breaks my heart when
(22:51):
I see it because it's just like, oh, you know, because I've had Rico since he
was two months old, you know, and to see him going through those things,
you know, I mean, we treat him with medicine.
Some works, some doesn't, you know, and at this point we just want him to be
as peaceful as he possibly can.
So we kind of let him do what he wants.
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You know, sometimes we do have to like wag
our finger at him because you know he might poop in the in the cage because
he can't hold it as long as he used to and yeah it's just really it's it's a
little sad to see but i say that to say you know seeing aging like that happen
just seemed like all of a sudden just so like.
(23:33):
In your face. It was like, oh, you know, Rico was normal. And then like the
very next day, he's in pain, you know, and the doctors was like,
well, there's not a whole lot we can really do, you know, and we ain't even
think about putting them down.
That's what aging is like. Aging isn't an issue until it is.
You'd be like, damn, man, you get to 40, be like, oh shit, why does my knee
(23:55):
hurt? Oh my gosh, damn, that hurts really bad, you know?
Or, or it's like, Like, damn, why am I sleepy and it's 8.30?
Man, I'm going to go ahead and take this nap. You know what I'm saying?
Like, your boy at this point, like, I've been napping for a long time.
It's been a part of my life for a while now.
So, you know, I'm not planning on getting rid of it.
(24:18):
But if your boy don't have his nap, like, yesterday, like, I did have a little
one. I had, like, a 40-minute one.
And I tell you, after we got done with that wedding yesterday,
we crashed and burned. When we came home and, you know, I was sleepy. We ate.
You know, I was kind of sleeping. I'm like, I'm ready to go to bed. So it's okay.
And those are things that you deal
(24:39):
with when you get older. And it doesn't necessarily have to be with age.
I mean, these things are happening to me at 40. I know friends that are,
it's happening to like 38 and, you know, 35.
Because life be lifin', man. There's so much shit to be going on in this damn
world that's just exhausting and tiring and frustrating and angry.
And, you know, has you on the keys and toes of your emotions all the freaking time.
(25:04):
So, but aging definitely is a privilege.
It is a gift. Sometimes can be seen as a curse, especially if you're someone
who's dealing with ailments, as I mentioned before.
And the one thing I will say that I enjoy as a person who's aging is,
(25:24):
I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin than I did in the past, you know.
I still have my core concerns or not concerns,
but I still have my core, like, triggers in my life that are things that,
you know, just came from, you know, being in the past or, you know, from trauma in the past.
(25:45):
Like, with this new job, I experienced imposter syndrome. You know,
I still experience that.
And that seems to happen every time I transition into a new position, you know.
Because it's like, can I do it? Somebody's going to find out if I can't, you know.
But I really enjoyed the wisdom that I feel has come with my life.
And the wisdom, you know, it definitely comes with age.
(26:05):
But there's a part of wisdom that also comes with seeking the truth, you know.
And just being honest about your experience.
Being intentional about sharing your experience with others.
Being intentional about, you know, caring for others and involving people in
(26:28):
your space, you know, and protecting your center as much as you possibly can.
You got to be intentional with those things.
And, you know, I like to think of myself as a very, I don't know,
for lack of a better word, I call myself earthy.
Because I really am like, or maybe a hippie in a way.
(26:52):
Because I really do believe that all, you know, everything is connected, you know.
I'm not completely sold on the idea of there being a God that,
you know, that wants us to suffer.
You know, there's some things with believing in God that doesn't necessarily
align with, you know, the person that I am today. And I'm not going to get preachy about it.
(27:16):
I just, you know, there's some things that I think that doesn't align.
That are inexplainable, unexplainable when it comes to the Bible and humankind or the human race.
It's certain things that I don't necessarily get or understand.
But I feel like I'm a very earthy person. I feel like energies,
(27:40):
they transcend themselves.
And if I'm having a bad day, I can set that tone to Carlos and he can have a bad day.
And I do feel like energies can travel through the phone.
I do believe that, you know, I do believe in gentle parenting.
I do believe in leading with kindness.
I do believe in making sure that you tell people when they ask you, how are you feeling?
(28:05):
You ask that question, you know
what I'm saying? Like, you answer that question. Like, how am I feeling?
You know, taking the moment to really think about that before,
for, you know, answering and saying, I'm okay, you know, being,
you know, intentional about asking people about their experience and trying
to be the best person you can be by leading with compassion,
(28:29):
love, and kindness, you know, you know, considering we live in a world that,
you know, leads with drama all the freaking time, like you go on TikTok,
you're going to see some type of drama being.
Drum up, you know, from these think pieces and video essays that,
(28:50):
that people put out that sometimes life is, life don't have to be that serious
all the time. You know what I'm saying?
Like tone it down a bit, you know?
And, you know, if these people who are, you know, creating that drama,
the older they get, the more they realize that life, life is, life ain't all of that.
(29:10):
You know what I'm saying? The only type of drama I want in my life is the drama
that I see on freaking TV that I pay for, you know?
I don't want, like, real drama in my life.
You know what I'm saying? And a lot of times, you know, as I've gotten older,
some of the drama that happens in your life can be self-induced because of your perspective of things.
(29:30):
And, you know, you're always going to have the things that trigger you as a
person that, you know, has come from childhood or, you know,
adolescenthood or whatever, you know, that have happened.
And, you know, that's why you got to get a therapist so you can sort through
that stuff and they can tell you how much of that is actually truthful and how
much of that is like just your defense mechanism.
(29:53):
So, but yeah, you know, I'm a believer of all things are connected.
I'm a believer of, you know, be the best person you can be, lead with kindness.
I'm all about that, you know, and my mantra is just really to,
you know, do something that I feel good about, you know, and go with that,
(30:19):
you know. You know, don't kill nobody.
Don't abuse anybody. Don't put your hands on anybody. Don't do it.
Keep your hands to yourself. It's that basic for me.
And love. Allow yourself to be open enough to receive love.
You know, there are a lot of us that are hurt around here who are afraid to
open their hearts because they've been hurt.
(30:41):
And that person that you're with right now just wants to be a part of your world.
And you're making it difficult.
You know, open that. Open your heart.
It's okay to love and lost.
It's okay to love somebody and it not necessarily work out the way that you wanted it to. It's okay.
(31:02):
It's okay for that to happen.
But yeah, I appreciate you guys again for listening to the podcast episode.
Thank you so much. I hope this is helpful to y'all. It's definitely helpful
for me because these are things that I think about often.
Things I'd be trying to offload on TikTok that don't get no traction.
(31:24):
And people would be like, shut up, 10 minutes of nothing.
But for those of you who are looking to get older, my recommendation is don't rush it.
You know, enjoy your life, have fun, whatever that may mean.
Try things, you know, before you write them off.
Don't be afraid to be you. If you're in a place where you feel like you cannot
(31:45):
be you, then you need to get out of that place.
And just love, you know, leave with love, man. Leave with love.
So, all right, guys, that is all I got. I'm going to give you guys an ado.
Have a good rest of your day. Thank you for listening. Share it to your friends,
your family, all of them.
Again, you can find me on TikTok, Reggie's Expressions, R-E-G-G-E-E-S, Expressions.
(32:12):
And then on Facebook, you got R-A-R-E-L-E-L Socorro Garner.
S-O-C-O-R-R-O-G-A-R-N-E-R on Facebook.
Instagram is A-R-E dot E-L dot Socorro Garner.
(32:36):
All right, guys. Enjoy your day.
Music.
Music.
(00:47):
Last week, I think I did some effects. I don't know if y'all can hear it, but I'm gonna try to see.
I don't know when it edited and it did it.
It's cause for celebration. Yes. I hope y'all can hear that so it doesn't just
sound odd, but cause for celebration because I'm back here week two.
(01:09):
I got a lot of good feedback from people that I care about about the episode,
and that made me want to get back into, you know, recording it.
And I'm not thinking about how often and how long I will go through this whole process or whatever.
I'm just here, you know, letting the wind take me wherever way it's supposed to go.
(01:29):
So that doesn't mean I'm not going to have structure, you know,
with the conversations that I have and have a specific topic.
It just means that, you know, you know, don't hold me to weekly or biweekly
or whatever. It's just going to be when I feel compelled.
So, but yes, I'm back this week. Thank you to everybody that listened and downloaded
the episode, for sure. I really appreciate it.
(01:50):
And I felt like there was a level of vulnerability that was had and shared amongst
everybody that listened to it.
And I must say so myself, the audio quality was really good. So, yeah.
But this week, what are we bringing to the table this week?
Bringing to the table growing old or getting older. older, whichever perspective
(02:13):
one may think of aging to be. Ultimately, it's aging.
I'm 43 years old. My husband is older than I am.
And, you know, in the last 10 years that we've been together,
we've seen a few things that has happened to us that has indicated that we are
(02:39):
evolving into to different people than we were before.
Now, you know, there are things that happen, you know, that, that can impact change,
like, you know, losing a friend, losing a family member, you know,
seeing things around your friend group happen, you know, uh,
ending a friendship that happened,
(03:00):
you know, it was a lot of, you know, changes that happened in life that
kind of hits you and it's like, oh, damn, you know, it's not going to be this way forever, you know.
It has you thinking about your mortality and what that looks like, you know.
Often people make jokes about turning 40,
(03:23):
and I make a joke about the warranty running out at 40 and,
you know, having aches and pains and stuff like that that you never had before
or that you had and you just never really paid attention to,
you know, because you were younger.
You could, you know, you could get up at six o'clock in the morning after going
(03:44):
to bed at three and, you know, get through the day, you know,
as opposed to now, shit, I get up at seven by three thirty.
I'm burned out. You know, I'm tired. You know what I'm saying?
And, you know, being easily triggered and emotionally like triggered from just seeing things happen.
(04:05):
You know, you you now as you're as an adult.
With tools to be able to protect yourself, you know, whether it be from therapy
or whatever, you really do have to protect your mental, your,
you know, your peace of mind at all costs.
So, I mean, just with the kind of world we happen to be and,
(04:29):
you know, all the things that are going on,
on, it's just so much that we have to, you know, do to maintain our,
you know, our, our sanity, if you will.
So, you know, my, my husband for probably the last six and a half years has
(04:50):
had, you know, a medical element that, you know, recently got diagnosed.
I think it was in 2021, 2022, if I'm not mistaken.
You know, he has really severe arthritis and, you know, just standard pains daily.
He's been working since he was 11 years old and a good portion of that work
(05:12):
has been physical labor.
So, you know, as one would expect, you know, being the age that he is,
he's been working again since he was a kid, 11 years old.
You know, you would expect those things, but, you know, expect those things
to happen to your body. But how does that affect the relationship?
Without going into detail, for those of you who may be with a spouse or a partner
(05:38):
who deals with those type of ailments,
whether it be arthritis or other types of physical impurities,
it can be tough sometimes to be compassionate about something that is constant.
You know, because that thing can be looked at as a nuisance.
(06:00):
You know, if you're, you know, if you're being completely honest,
you know, you being a someone of sound mind, healthy mind, you know,
being able to, you know, take care of yourself in a way. Okay.
Having to, you know, be there, you know, in a way for another person,
you know, can take a lot of things, you know, in you that you aren't taught.
(06:25):
You know what I'm saying? Like, we're not taught how to take care of people,
you know, in a physical way.
You know, we're talked about, you know, emotionally loving someone and being
there for them and things that aren't, like, tangible.
Like, you know, so it could be very difficult to transition from that,
(06:47):
you know, blissful place or place of, you know, before pain to dealing,
you know, or coming to a place that involves pain.
I hope that I'm making sense, but ultimately what I'm trying to say is there
was a clear period in our relationship where Carlos and I went from able-bodied
adults who could get on roller coasters and, yeah.
(07:13):
We'll be jerked around a little bit to going to too much trauma to his body
sometimes could just be days of pain for him.
So that can be very difficult and a lot of that stuff does come with age You know the time of age,
you know, and some of it is genetics but nonetheless it could be very jarring
(07:34):
because it seems like overnight your life goes from You know a sense of like
able a ableism all right be a being able body to almost.
Morphing into you know a,
a burden, you know, overnight. And that's difficult. It sucks to say those things
(07:54):
in the way that I'm saying it.
And I feel horrible saying it that way, but I'm being real with you guys in
a way that, you know, I feel like is, is, is old.
You know, I love my husband, you know, but I don't love the pains that he's in often.
There's times where it stopped us from being able to, you know,
(08:15):
do certain things and, you know, have certain, you know, aspects of our lives,
you know, that I enjoyed and loved, you know, in the beginning that,
you know, it's just not possible for us to go that way again because of the pains that he has.
And, you know, part of it is just trying to figure out what your new normal is.
(08:37):
And sometimes, you know, the person who's in pain could be focused on the idea
of going back to the way it was before and being stuck in that moment rather than,
you know, dealing with the, you know, the aspect of, hey, yeah,
this is, this could be my life forever, but it's okay.
(08:58):
You know, I'm going to do things to try to make, you know, life easier and better
for me by just being, you know, aware that, hey, this is my circumstances now.
And then if it changes, I would just be willing to change with it,
you know? So it's easier said than done.
When you're not the person that's dealing with those hurts and pains,
(09:19):
it's easy to say, oh, well, you know, this is life, you know, change it.
You know, when that person, you know, happens to be in pain and I'm just talking
about pain, it could be anything.
It could be mental. It could be, you know, I'm talking about physical.
It could be, you know, emotional.
It could be, you know, something that can't be quantified by the eye,
you know, that could cause your spouse to change or, you know,
(09:43):
evolve into something completely different.
And you just have to be mindful of that process, you know.
You know, when you make vows, make your vows, you know, one of the things they
say, until death do us part, you know, you have to really value and consider
what that means for you, you know.
(10:03):
Because, you know, at a drop of a dime, it could all change.
You know, it could change completely.
Completely um but yeah it's
it's it's tough i think that you know
the arts music and you know just day-to-day life we talk about how you know
people change and changing being a bad thing you know especially in relationships
(10:26):
but we're framing it from a place of change you know but but it's really evolution.
No one person is the same.
There are going to be things, indelible situations that happen in your life that will change you.
Whether it's good or bad, it's going to happen.
(10:48):
But to be naive, to think that it's only change, isn't really capturing the depth of life, you know?
I mean, I wish my dad would be 73 years old, same-ass man as he was when he became an adult.
My dad would not be able to have
(11:09):
the conversations and stuff and have the relationship that we have now.
Because he wouldn't have the capacity to be able to handle it,
you know? So change in life is inevitable.
It will happen whether we embrace it or not.
And we have to understand that some change is going to be warranted and some
(11:34):
change is not going to be warranted.
And, you know, if you're on this side of the world, what I mean,
like above ground, you're going to experience it.
You know, it's just a matter of how you're going to respond to that change.
So, you know, I'm noticing that with age, you know, among myself and someone
(11:57):
who's in therapy, someone who, you know, is cerebral in my thought process,
I notice that, you know, that becomes a struggle too, you know,
because you start thinking of things like, when does it end?
When do I stop evolving and change it. You know, and me being the person that
(12:17):
I am, I'm open to just new information.
So if there's something that comes in that challenges my thought process on
something and it makes like sense and it's logical, I will be willing to change
my perspective because of new information.
And, you know, sometimes that could be looked at as wishy-washy.
(12:38):
But for me, it's like, hey, I know more. and as a result of me knowing more,
I'm going to change my perspective.
So, you know, and all of this is just tick marks of growing older.
When you, you know, there are specific...
Changes that happened in your life that we have created as a culture.
(13:04):
And a part of that is like, okay, when you leave your 20s, I think the 20s sometimes
get tied up into your teenage years.
But you know, when you transition from teens to your 20s, and then from your
20s to your 30s, and then from 30 to 40, there's also a transition from 40 to 50.
(13:24):
And then, you know, the rest of it it's just considered, you know, growing old or older.
And I have, you know, had specific milestones from transitioning from my 20s
to my 30s, very specific.
Like I remember, you know, what was going on. This was in 2010, 2011 timeframe.
(13:48):
And I remember being very intentional about relationships at that point,
me wanting to, you know, have relationships,
meaningful relationships, long-term relationships, because I've had many,
some that have maybe been three or four months.
It's so funny because as a kid, I was like, I never dated when I was in high
school, but when I became an adult, I dated a lot, you know,
(14:11):
and I was in relationships quite often.
That I was thinking about it in a way like, I was saying to myself,
like, damn, you know, I never really dated much.
And then I started thinking of like some of the suitors that I've met and been with over the years.
I was like, that's not really that true, Reggie. You dated some men.
You've been in relationships.
(14:33):
And I went from a guy in, you know, when I was younger, not dating in high school
to, you know, being a chronic dater, a serial dater, if you will, prior to meeting.
You know, two significant relationships prior to Carlos.
So, but I, so I've always been a relationship person, but yeah,
(14:53):
I, I remember, you know, turning 30 and just feeling like I,
you know, life was changing, you know, mostly because my perspective was different.
A grown older and my perspective on life was a little bit different.
I cared a little less and I was intentional about decisions that I was making in my life.
(15:17):
You know, I wanted to have a career that was going to give me longevity.
Like I wanted to, I was thinking about retirement. I was thinking about,
you know, saving, which, you know, saving part didn't come until like maybe a few years ago.
But, you know, those were some of the conversations that I was having.
And then by the time I turned, I was 33, you know, I was out of my second,
(15:40):
you know, significant relationship involved with Carlos.
And, you know, that, you know, is where I started to be.
I made the decision like, hey, I want to be in a long-term relationship and
be with somebody that I'm going to be able to travel with and have fun with.
And, you know, we're on the same page when it comes to certain things.
And that led to marriage, you know, and that took me from 33 until now,
(16:05):
you know, being the age of 43.
And, you know, I shortly thereafter bought a house. That's a big milestone, you know.
And these are things that I just felt like I needed to do as a person, you know, as an adult.
You know, I was, you know, a lot of people my age were going through the,
(16:25):
like, okay, you got to have a family, got to buy a house, you got to,
you know, have all these things, ownership, ownership, ownership.
And, you know, very early on in our relationship, a few months after me and Carlos got married,
we were like nine months in and we were already looking for a house,
you know, and it just all seemed organic, you know what I'm saying?
(16:47):
And then on top of that, losing jobs, we both lost jobs, you know,
during that 10 year period we've been together,
you know, we've had ups and downs, we've had things that have happened in our
relationship that has caused us to kind of change the trajectory of how we see
our relationship and, you know, move away from
traditionalism in a way and move to a place of unlearning behavior that doesn't
(17:09):
serve me that I might've learned.
And that might've been core values of mine because of my upbringing.
And, you know, starting to become even more intentional about people that I became friends with.
My friends list, you know, although can be vast and I have people that I communicate,
you know, frequently having a core of folks that I really just kind of am cool
(17:33):
with and that I expect to speak to, you know, semi-regularly,
you know what I'm saying?
And, you know, I got to a place like I, for a long time, I had one friend that
I talked to on a consistent basis.
Right. You know, and that person was always there for birthday parties.
(17:56):
You know, they were there for the wedding, even said some nice things at the
wedding. That has been consistent in my life.
And, you know, at one point it just became me and that one person.
And then recently I added, you know, two more friends, which they wanted me to shout them out.
So, Burjo and Ayanna, you know, have become two more friends that I speak to
(18:21):
on a semi-regular or regular basis where we talk about life stuff.
And, you know, I make them laugh and joke and be silly sometimes about just my perspective in life.
And, you know, they have become, you know, friends and business partners.
I was going to say business partners, but business partners in business in the
(18:41):
sense that they, you know, drop knowledge in terms of being a successful business owner.
So my circle is small. Not to say that if I call Tamika right now,
she won't answer. She will.
You know, that's the homie. I've known her since high school.
Not saying that, you know, if I call...
Rosalva in California, that she won't be like, what up, Reg?
(19:05):
You know, not saying any of those, you know, any of that.
I'm just saying that, you know, the people that I talk to consistently in my
circle are those three people that I mentioned.
And my husband. I mean, my husband, that's implied.
And getting to a place of like, you know, used to be like, man,
I don't have any friends till now. Like, okay, I'm cool with the ones that I
(19:25):
got. You know what I'm saying?
And yeah, Yeah, our relationships with my friends may be flawed in some instances.
I sometimes might get mad about something that I'm sensitive about or whatever.
But the idea sometimes is just to understand and know that they didn't mean it by harm.
You know, they don't necessarily have to apologize for something that was said
or done. You just, hey, this is how I felt.
(19:47):
You know, let's move on. You know, I don't want this to be a sense of contention
for both of us. But that was something that bothered me and being able to have
a conversation and not, you know, shy away from what the consequences of those conversations are.
Sometimes friends do make you mad and that's okay.
But, you know, now that I'm in my 40s, I realize how much of a privilege it is to grow old.
(20:13):
You know what I'm saying? I think that perspective for me kind of changed to change when my...
Friend Darlena passed away. You know, she was 37 when she died,
just turned 37, didn't even really get an opportunity, didn't get an opportunity
to enjoy her 37th birthday, you know?
(20:33):
And that made me realize my own mortality too, in a sense that,
you know, obviously you're not, like you are going to die at some point.
You just don't know how, when, where.
And my dad always says, you don't know the hour, you don't know the time,
you don't know when, you just know it's going to happen. And it's not in your hands.
So I think our passing kind of, you know, got me thinking of my own mortality
(20:57):
and then my mom even more.
And then it started to, you know, the world started to feel,
you know, claustrophobic because it was just like a lot of my friends around
me were also growing old and, you know, they were dealing with deaths or,
you know, the aging of their parents.
You know, last week I mentioned to y'all talking to my dad about,
(21:17):
you know, him growing older and what that felt like for me.
And, you know, I have a lot of friends that are going through that too.
And it's, it's, it's, it could be off-putting in a way that,
you know, you aren't prepared for.
And it really just takes, you know, just a good bit of therapy to really get you past that point.
(21:41):
Like, because you, you know, dealing with aging, you know, at its core,
like it being in front of you is intense.
You know, like I look at Rico, my dog Rico, who's 16. Is he 16?
15 years old. 15. Like Carl, Carlos, I was about to call him. Rico is a lively dog.
(22:07):
He still can be at times, but now Rico sleeps, I would say, 23 out of the 24 hours.
He is in pain. He jolts a lot from the arthritis.
You know, he really just loves to have his own place of like,
you know, he don't like to be bothered. He don't like to be touched too much.
(22:30):
You know, he's just a, we call him a weird dog.
But I mean, in reality, it's just him showing us what age is.
You know what I'm saying? 15 years old for a dog, a Chihuahua is old, you know.
And, you know, I still feel like he has a little bit of spry.
Spryness in him, but I can see it slowing down and it just breaks my heart when
(22:51):
I see it because it's just like, oh, you know, because I've had Rico since he
was two months old, you know, and to see him going through those things,
you know, I mean, we treat him with medicine.
Some works, some doesn't, you know, and at this point we just want him to be
as peaceful as he possibly can.
So we kind of let him do what he wants.
(23:11):
You know, sometimes we do have to like wag
our finger at him because you know he might poop in the in the cage because
he can't hold it as long as he used to and yeah it's just really it's it's a
little sad to see but i say that to say you know seeing aging like that happen
just seemed like all of a sudden just so like.
(23:33):
In your face. It was like, oh, you know, Rico was normal. And then like the
very next day, he's in pain, you know, and the doctors was like,
well, there's not a whole lot we can really do, you know, and we ain't even
think about putting them down.
That's what aging is like. Aging isn't an issue until it is.
You'd be like, damn, man, you get to 40, be like, oh shit, why does my knee
(23:55):
hurt? Oh my gosh, damn, that hurts really bad, you know?
Or, or it's like, Like, damn, why am I sleepy and it's 8.30?
Man, I'm going to go ahead and take this nap. You know what I'm saying?
Like, your boy at this point, like, I've been napping for a long time.
It's been a part of my life for a while now.
So, you know, I'm not planning on getting rid of it.
(24:18):
But if your boy don't have his nap, like, yesterday, like, I did have a little
one. I had, like, a 40-minute one.
And I tell you, after we got done with that wedding yesterday,
we crashed and burned. When we came home and, you know, I was sleepy. We ate.
You know, I was kind of sleeping. I'm like, I'm ready to go to bed. So it's okay.
And those are things that you deal
(24:39):
with when you get older. And it doesn't necessarily have to be with age.
I mean, these things are happening to me at 40. I know friends that are,
it's happening to like 38 and, you know, 35.
Because life be lifin', man. There's so much shit to be going on in this damn
world that's just exhausting and tiring and frustrating and angry.
And, you know, has you on the keys and toes of your emotions all the freaking time.
(25:04):
So, but aging definitely is a privilege.
It is a gift. Sometimes can be seen as a curse, especially if you're someone
who's dealing with ailments, as I mentioned before.
And the one thing I will say that I enjoy as a person who's aging is,
(25:24):
I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin than I did in the past, you know.
I still have my core concerns or not concerns,
but I still have my core, like, triggers in my life that are things that,
you know, just came from, you know, being in the past or, you know, from trauma in the past.
(25:45):
Like, with this new job, I experienced imposter syndrome. You know,
I still experience that.
And that seems to happen every time I transition into a new position, you know.
Because it's like, can I do it? Somebody's going to find out if I can't, you know.
But I really enjoyed the wisdom that I feel has come with my life.
And the wisdom, you know, it definitely comes with age.
(26:05):
But there's a part of wisdom that also comes with seeking the truth, you know.
And just being honest about your experience.
Being intentional about sharing your experience with others.
Being intentional about, you know, caring for others and involving people in
(26:28):
your space, you know, and protecting your center as much as you possibly can.
You got to be intentional with those things.
And, you know, I like to think of myself as a very, I don't know,
for lack of a better word, I call myself earthy.
Because I really am like, or maybe a hippie in a way.
(26:52):
Because I really do believe that all, you know, everything is connected, you know.
I'm not completely sold on the idea of there being a God that,
you know, that wants us to suffer.
You know, there's some things with believing in God that doesn't necessarily
align with, you know, the person that I am today. And I'm not going to get preachy about it.
(27:16):
I just, you know, there's some things that I think that doesn't align.
That are inexplainable, unexplainable when it comes to the Bible and humankind or the human race.
It's certain things that I don't necessarily get or understand.
But I feel like I'm a very earthy person. I feel like energies,
(27:40):
they transcend themselves.
And if I'm having a bad day, I can set that tone to Carlos and he can have a bad day.
And I do feel like energies can travel through the phone.
I do believe that, you know, I do believe in gentle parenting.
I do believe in leading with kindness.
I do believe in making sure that you tell people when they ask you, how are you feeling?
(28:05):
You ask that question, you know
what I'm saying? Like, you answer that question. Like, how am I feeling?
You know, taking the moment to really think about that before,
for, you know, answering and saying, I'm okay, you know, being,
you know, intentional about asking people about their experience and trying
to be the best person you can be by leading with compassion,
(28:29):
love, and kindness, you know, you know, considering we live in a world that,
you know, leads with drama all the freaking time, like you go on TikTok,
you're going to see some type of drama being.
Drum up, you know, from these think pieces and video essays that,
(28:50):
that people put out that sometimes life is, life don't have to be that serious
all the time. You know what I'm saying?
Like tone it down a bit, you know?
And, you know, if these people who are, you know, creating that drama,
the older they get, the more they realize that life, life is, life ain't all of that.
(29:10):
You know what I'm saying? The only type of drama I want in my life is the drama
that I see on freaking TV that I pay for, you know?
I don't want, like, real drama in my life.
You know what I'm saying? And a lot of times, you know, as I've gotten older,
some of the drama that happens in your life can be self-induced because of your perspective of things.
(29:30):
And, you know, you're always going to have the things that trigger you as a
person that, you know, has come from childhood or, you know,
adolescenthood or whatever, you know, that have happened.
And, you know, that's why you got to get a therapist so you can sort through
that stuff and they can tell you how much of that is actually truthful and how
much of that is like just your defense mechanism.
(29:53):
So, but yeah, you know, I'm a believer of all things are connected.
I'm a believer of, you know, be the best person you can be, lead with kindness.
I'm all about that, you know, and my mantra is just really to,
you know, do something that I feel good about, you know, and go with that,
(30:19):
you know. You know, don't kill nobody.
Don't abuse anybody. Don't put your hands on anybody. Don't do it.
Keep your hands to yourself. It's that basic for me.
And love. Allow yourself to be open enough to receive love.
You know, there are a lot of us that are hurt around here who are afraid to
open their hearts because they've been hurt.
(30:41):
And that person that you're with right now just wants to be a part of your world.
And you're making it difficult.
You know, open that. Open your heart.
It's okay to love and lost.
It's okay to love somebody and it not necessarily work out the way that you wanted it to. It's okay.
(31:02):
It's okay for that to happen.
But yeah, I appreciate you guys again for listening to the podcast episode.
Thank you so much. I hope this is helpful to y'all. It's definitely helpful
for me because these are things that I think about often.
Things I'd be trying to offload on TikTok that don't get no traction.
(31:24):
And people would be like, shut up, 10 minutes of nothing.
But for those of you who are looking to get older, my recommendation is don't rush it.
You know, enjoy your life, have fun, whatever that may mean.
Try things, you know, before you write them off.
Don't be afraid to be you. If you're in a place where you feel like you cannot
(31:45):
be you, then you need to get out of that place.
And just love, you know, leave with love, man. Leave with love.
So, all right, guys, that is all I got. I'm going to give you guys an ado.
Have a good rest of your day. Thank you for listening. Share it to your friends,
your family, all of them.
Again, you can find me on TikTok, Reggie's Expressions, R-E-G-G-E-E-S, Expressions.
(32:12):
And then on Facebook, you got R-A-R-E-L-E-L Socorro Garner.
S-O-C-O-R-R-O-G-A-R-N-E-R on Facebook.
Instagram is A-R-E dot E-L dot Socorro Garner.
(32:36):
All right, guys. Enjoy your day.
Music.
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