June 16, 2024 • 34 mins
In this heartfelt episode, Reggie makes a triumphant return to the podcast world after a long hiatus. He reflects on his journey of self-growth, therapy, and the significant changes in his life. Reggie shares candid insights about his struggles with inspiration, mental health, and the importance of practicing what he preaches.
Reggie delves into his evolving relationship with his father, the challenges of maintaining familial bonds, and the emotional complexities of accepting parental vulnerability. He also touches on his dynamic with Carlos, highlighting their efforts to strengthen their relationship through therapy and mindful communication.
Join Reggie as he navigates through personal revelations, professional transitions, and the balance of living authentically. This episode is a testament to resilience, self-reflection, and the ongoing journey of personal development.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Sometimes you just have to toot your own horn, you know. I'm giving myself an
applause because, or you guys gave me an applause because it's been so long
since I've been on here and done a podcast.
(00:20):
Last time I was on here, it was episode seven, or season seven, episode two.
So basically, I went back a season, you know, because I'm actually in season
eight. I did have a season eight teaser.
And that one was an update. You know, it was a catch-up of what had been going
on with me since the last time I did the teaser.
(00:45):
I mentioned my hiatus being longer than what I expected.
And, you know, I was giving you guys reasons why that was. And I'm back again
and I don't have any reasons.
I have not felt inspired to do so.
I have had a lot of, I've had downtime, you know, life has changed for me in
(01:08):
terms of my current job. job, you know, things have changed for me,
you know, and therapy-wise, you know, in a good way.
And I've just been more, a lot more self-talk when it comes to my stresses,
triggers, anxiety, and all those things.
(01:28):
I've been talking to myself more in terms of acknowledging my triggers and,
you know, getting myself through with, you know, positive self-talk and, you know,
of being, applying the therapy that I have, you know, listened to for so long.
You know, I can't quite remember, but there was a period maybe a year ago,
(01:53):
maybe two years ago at this point, I was in the transition of getting a new therapist.
And I at first was completely against it because I was like,
I would have to start all over.
And, you know, they don't quite understand. And just it's getting through the
fear of starting with somebody new and them not understanding,
having to go through the song and dance of getting to know someone.
(02:16):
Where I realized that I was really just listening to therapy and saying all
the things, but not actually applying it to life because I found myself having
a lot of the same stressors, abandonment issues,
you know, money concerns,
misunderstandings from people, you know, getting upset and distancing myself
(02:40):
from others, you know, because that was my coping mechanism.
And I've been in a place for a while now where I have had to really practice what I preach,
not only listen to the word and regurgitate what it is I hear,
it's actually putting it into action.
(03:03):
And I will be honest about that. I wasn't doing that before.
So I'm at a different place. I feel like even though it's been maybe six,
you know, or less months, I feel like a completely different person in a good way.
I feel like I've grown significantly.
I've, you know, become wiser and more aware and more mindful and more intentional
(03:31):
about my mindfulness than I had been in the past.
My overall disposition is still to live and let live, be who you want to be,
no labels, don't judge others,
let people be themselves,
(03:52):
and staying true to myself as well.
So, you know, learning the difference between honesty and straightforwardness,
knowing the difference of, you know, wielding honesty as a sword or using honesty
as a place of growth and reflectiveness.
(04:16):
I've had a lot of downtime.
Necessary downtime, long time for me to put in practice a lot of the things
that I've learned in therapy.
Y'all know I'm a talker. I can come on here and I can talk for an hour plus about,
(04:38):
the grains of sand on a beach and talk about it with such emotion and vigor that,
you know, you could probably listen for hours, but to be honest,
there's no depth, you know, to that.
(04:59):
So I have really just been,
you know, on a quest to just be in the world, really think about how I feel
about things before I respond,
being mindful of how I say something can affect how other people hear the message
(05:24):
and understanding the difference of that person's trigger and my truth,
you know, it's a lot of song and dance when it comes to communicating with people
and you do have to have, you do, you gotta be mindful a lot when you're having
conversations with others that I think a lot of people lack,
(05:46):
you know, and,
it can be exhausting sometimes, you know, being the person that's always taking
the the higher road in relationships that you have.
You know, it's like, I don't want to be the high moral ground anymore.
You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm pissed about this and I'm going to be pissed
(06:06):
and allowing myself an understanding that that's okay.
It's okay to be angry. It's okay to have, you know, what one would consider
bad emotions like being, you know, bothered or annoyed or angry,
you know, it's okay to be those things.
It's just not okay to use anger, bothered, frustration as wills or weapons that are wielded against,
(06:36):
you know, unsuspecting people who don't deserve it.
So yeah, I've
just been very intentional with just sitting with myself and you know in the
last few months we've had mother's day and that being a very hard day for me
and then today being father's day and having a good conversation with my father,
(07:02):
about you know the truth of our relationship in terms of you know not only gathering like.
Tangible things, but to actually be present for those of you who may not know,
I'm in Florida and my father lives in Georgia where I am in Florida,
(07:22):
which is central Florida.
It's only really about a five, six hour difference.
And I literally only come home once a year. That has been the norm for the last,
I, man, probably last ten years.
I remember, you know, when it changed, I remember specifically making that decision,
(07:46):
like, all right, April is going to be the day that I go and not using any of
my other time off as opportunities to go see my family.
Some of it was avoidance. Some of it was, you know, just predicated on my relationships
with my siblings and how I was with them. And if we were on a good,
(08:06):
you know, if we were on a good page or not.
But, you know, having a conversation with my dad yesterday, I realized,
you know, I mean, he wanted me, he wants me to come home more.
And, you know, it didn't make me sad because I was aware that I only come home once a year, right?
(08:27):
And I know that our relationship is just relegated to the phone.
And I just had a thought, you know, me being a person that likes to have control,
our relationship is relegated to only being on the phone because I can control that.
If I don't want to talk to my dad anymore, I can just hang up and,
you know, disconnect rather than him being in front of my face and,
(08:49):
you know, having to make an effort to get away from him.
You know what I'm saying? So I just had that thought as I was saying that,
but you know, it's, it's that way by design because control most importantly,
and then, you know, if I'm going to pull back the layer a little bit more,
(09:10):
you know, not feeling like I'm strong enough to be able to handle any conflict,
you know, that could potentially happen between he and I.
You know, without giving you guys, like, the entire evolution of my dad and
I's relationship, we've been in a good place for a while.
(09:30):
You know, most of that was, you know, was shortly after losing my mom and,
you know, me being now a only, you know, one parent child, you know, a motherless child.
And the other part of it is just, you know, the convenience of our relationship,
not having to reconcile with the fact that we still have some work to do.
(09:52):
You know what I'm saying?
And only face-to-face can really cause that to be prevalent.
You know what I'm saying? Like, prominent in our face, you know?
And I guess it pushes me to realize that I still got more work to do when I
honestly and truly don't want to do it. I have to.
I have to be honest. But, you know, I was talking with my dad yesterday,
(10:15):
and when he said it, it wasn't like hesitation.
It was just like, what does my life look like going home to see my father even more?
And then I started thinking, oh, well, Carlos got to work. Well,
no, Carlos is not his son, so he doesn't have to go.
Oh, well, I got to get a hotel room. Well, okay, yeah, you did that when you
(10:36):
go to Albany with Carlos, so what's the problem? And I was really just trying
to focus, like, what would that look like?
How frequent would that be, you know, with my father?
And, you know, it was just a conversation of him not wanting to grow old or,
you know, distance to go by.
And it's, you know, it's a fear of his that, you know, he will continue to,
(11:01):
you know, grow older and, you know, medical things that happen to him,
you know, that something potentially could happen.
And I guess he's battling with his own mortality now, you know,
as a 73-year-old man would, you know, especially after your ex-wife passes on
at 70 years old, you know.
I would imagine that would be something that my dad would go through.
(11:24):
And, you know, in so many ways, you know, not so many ways, in a very direct
way, it was like, yeah, I would want to see you more. I'm not expecting you
to come through the door on tomorrow, but I would love to see you more.
And that is feedback that is not even really a feedback.
It's an observation that I was aware of myself and that I take full responsibility
(11:49):
of not doing, you know, for the reasons that I mentioned before.
I did get an opportunity to go to Albany, you know, with celebrating my grandmother's
101st birthday, you know, had an amazing conversation with my stepmom and had
some healing and pushing through.
But I also got a chance to see my dad, you know, I got a chance to see my father,
(12:13):
you know, he lives in Albany.
But my dad, you know, revealed to me that he was blind in one eye.
You know, I asked why hadn't he shared that with me and he, you know,
didn't really have an answer.
And then I also saw my dad shaking. You know, he might have,
you know, early onset Parkinson's.
I don't even know if that's a thing, but I saw him shaking in his right arm.
(12:36):
And I could tell that he was embarrassed by it. When I mentioned it to him,
I could tell him really just wanting to, you know, push away from it and not, you know, respond.
Because, you know, my dad, I've never seen my dad vulnerable in that way.
Other than periods of him being sick and things that I've seen over in my childhood
(12:56):
with my father being hungover and things of that nature.
I've never seen my father vulnerable in that way.
And it made me realize I'm at the age now where my parents are getting older
and that I do need to be around more.
So I had that separate thought before, but quite quickly you come back to,
(13:17):
you know, you come back home and you start thinking like, okay, I'm gonna do that.
And then it just becomes a background, you know, you know, thing like, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. So I don't know if the next
time I have this episode, you know, which I'm going to go into detail about that, too.
I don't know by the time I have this next episode if I'll have,
(13:41):
you know, had or seen my father.
But let's hope, you know, fingers crossed that we will.
But, yeah, you know, I received that yesterday.
And, you know, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go home more.
(14:01):
So, for those of you who may be wondering about why the hiatus has, has happened.
I mean, I mentioned this earlier and in this clip, I haven't felt inspired.
To want to do things, I've completely like distanced myself from the Black Podcast
Association, which I was like heavy into, you know, and some of that has to
(14:26):
do with me being fanatical.
Sometimes like I can be like boss to the wall into something and,
you know, I'll end up starting to become fatigued of being that one thing or
just focusing on that one thing for so long. So that may be the ADHD.
I haven't been clinically diagnosed or diagnosed in a way that is like real.
(14:51):
You know, I haven't gone to the doctor or anything, you know,
regarding my, you know, potential ADHD.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I wanted to uncheck it.
But yeah, I think that's kind of the case. But, you know, being focused on any
one thing as a multifaceted person can seem very, like, claustrophobic to me sometimes.
(15:15):
And sometimes I just have to, like, as soon as I quit, I do it.
I have to, you know, I typically will quit it almost as instantaneously as it
was as I started, you know. And I started, I start letting things like numbers get me down.
And I was just looking at my podcast numbers and it's like 250,000 listens in
(15:38):
the last two years that I've been on this platform.
And, you know, sometimes I have spurts where, you know, it's like really successful.
It does well. And sometimes I don't. But letting that, you know,
be like, well, see, this is why I don't know about it, really care about what
it is I'm saying or whatever.
And it's just like, you know, does that really matter? Like at the end of the day,
I know it's helpful to some people because I've, you know, seen others break
(16:01):
that fourth wall and say, hey, Reggie, I, you know, appreciate you saying those
things and telling more about yourself and being vulnerable.
And it's helped me be that, you know. And yeah, I know that there's a special
place for me as a podcaster, Black man,
(16:24):
gay Black man in the South.
I know that there is space for my voice.
And then also, let's not ignore the fact that a lot of folks that be having,
you know, podcasts, you know.
Unceremoniously have mics that they shouldn't have. You know what I'm saying?
(16:47):
Being a talking head sometimes, you know, has a gift and a curse.
The curse, more or less, which if you go to videos on TikTok,
you'll find, you know, what do you call it?
You know, a mockery, somebody, you know, joking around or playing around,
mocking, you know, a podcaster for, you know, thinking deeply about shallow shit.
(17:14):
That's not my, that's not, that's, shout out to Consciously for,
he's coined that term and I believe it, you know.
And being disingenuine, not disingenuine, I'm sorry,
being disengaged by some of the conversations that have been had online and
feeling like my voice doesn't matter and going to TikTok and doing video essays
(17:36):
and spending 10 minutes coming up with thought and then only two people see your videos.
That all, you know, kind of plays into, it plays into how I'm being received.
And I spend way too much time on that. So to the person who's listening to this
intently and as fervorously as you've listened from day one,
(18:01):
I'm talking to you. I appreciate you.
And I'm making this for you because I know that you do care about what I think.
And I'm apologizing to you for going ghost and not being consistent.
Now, I'm not going to promise that I'm going to do better, okay,
because I've accepted the relationship with what I have with podcasting that
(18:25):
it's not something at this time that I feel like needs that much focus.
But I am aware that I
am aware that I need to do it a little bit more frequently and I need to make
a commitment to myself that I will allow this to be an outlet for me to be able
(18:48):
to express myself and not only look to TikTok and Facebook.
Cause I've been in the TikTok pretty heavy, like pretty heavy.
I've gotten Carlos on it. You know, I still do Facebook.
And a lot of times I feel like it falls on deaf ears, but it's,
it's an, it's the older platform.
So, and I don't necessarily need a large platform to get what I need out.
(19:10):
I just need, you know, an opportunity to be able to do so.
And I have control over that. So my apologies.
I'm back, but it may look a little different than week to week that you have grown accustomed to.
And I hope you guys have found that time to be able to go back and rediscover
(19:32):
some of those podcasts that I'm really proud about.
One of my favorite podcasts that I have and I listen to is the one I have the
conversation with my friend and I, Danny,
talking about his his perception about politics and stuff. That was like in
the heart of the pandemic.
(19:52):
And, you know, the conversations, even the ones that have horrible audio,
you know what I'm saying?
The brown tabletop, you know, that I had with a whole bunch of,
you know, kids, you know, the newer generation sitting down discussing things.
And the conversation that I had with my father, that's one of my absolute favorite.
And my all-time favorite is Darlena McDonald, me introducing the world to her
(20:16):
and putting her legacy on wax.
You know what I'm saying? So those are a few of my favorites.
I'd love to hear y'all's.
But yeah, those are some of the ones that get me through times when I'm not inspired.
I go back and I listen to those because I'm proud of the work that I've done.
And I know I've come a long way, come a long way with digging into this platform. for him.
(20:43):
So I don't need to have a big group backing, you know, me and what I need to do.
And that's no shot of disrespect to, you know, the Black Podcast Association,
none of that. It's no disrespect to them.
It's just, you know, yeah. And I'm going to, if I'm going to be completely transparent too,
there was award season that happened in 2022 and, you know, for podcasts and
(21:08):
some of the people that won, you know, it was, it was, I gotta be honest.
It was probably It was coming from a hater place.
And I felt like I had done good content and I felt like I should have been recognized.
But then I was thinking about like, you know, the work that I do and,
you know, lack of feedback and lack of information and lack of,
(21:28):
you know, lack of the unknown.
I really didn't have like good feedback as to why I wasn't nominated.
I just felt like I did a good job, which can be conceived as arrogant or ignorant,
whatever you want to call it.
Just felt like I should have been recognized and I wasn't. And that had a lot
to do with like, why, why, why am I doing this? Why the fuck am I doing this?
(21:52):
If I can't get recognized by peers in a group that I feel like I've,
you know, helped kind of cultivate, not create, but create, cultivate the, uh, the, the culture.
And I felt like I should have been, you know, recognized, but,
But, you know, that has more to do with my own ego and less to do with the people that do,
(22:17):
you know, that were awarded those awards and the people who were,
you know, a part of creating those awards.
Like, it has less to do with them. It probably don't have anything to do with
them and more with my ego.
And I understand that now and acknowledge that, you know, that played a role
in me distancing myself.
(22:38):
But it really, I mean, if I'm being completely transparent, it would,
you know, it probably just fed into my own doubts anyway.
And, you know, long story short, it just added to that distance that I may have
needed, you know, from this.
So, as I said before, sometimes I get to a point where I'm like,
(22:58):
oh, you know, I can't focus on any one thing.
There's so many variables that could have caused me to do this hiatus that I
have to also put into play as well.
But I'm here now and I definitely like to think, I do.
I'm aware that I have impact. So what else?
(23:22):
We're going to go personal for a little bit. Carlos and I are doing on really
well. We still have therapies.
I say therapies because I have my therapist, he has his, and then we have a couple therapists.
We actually just got a new one. This one has been working well for us.
The other one was a woman therapist, and I think Carlos was very shy,
(23:46):
you know, because she is a woman.
And, you know, Carlos is old school Venezuelan Latino.
You know, men don't talk about that kind of stuff, you know, with women.
So now we have a male therapist who focuses on, you know, sex therapy,
you know, the male bravado and, you know, creating a space to be able to dig
(24:10):
deep into, you know, some of the, you know, norms or.
Well, norms, I was going to say norms of masculinity or some of the shortcomings
of masculinity where we don't allow ourselves, you know, as men to be vulnerable.
It does a very good job. So shout out to him, you know, not to focus solely
(24:30):
on that guy. He's good at facilitating.
But shout out to Carlos for allowing herself to be vulnerable and feeling comfortable
with the guy enough to be able to trust him with some of the stories and things that he's talked about.
You know what I'm saying? And that has allowed us to be more mindful of our
relationship and become closer.
(24:53):
So we're doing good on that front. You know, we recently had,
about two weeks ago at this point, we had a staycation here.
And I have to say, it was fun. It was enjoyable.
It was good to laugh. We went right down the street to Sapphire Falls.
(25:16):
And stayed at the hotel, ate like we were royalty. We did ballet.
Man, we was just all... It was all good and great. It was good and good.
And we got back to us. And the biggest compliment Carlos could have ever said
was that I felt like we got back to the way we were when we were dating.
(25:37):
And I felt like that was amazing.
You know what I'm saying? And I think that that was...
A concerted effort on both of our parts, not just me, you know,
on him, you know, not only just me having the idea, but him allowing himself
to be able to be vulnerable.
And, you know, it did feel like those days. So I'm just happy that we were able
(26:00):
to enjoy that and it has allowed us to become close.
And, you know, like any relationship, it's going to have its ups and downs.
And you guys have heard me say that marriage is hard.
I'm going to explain to you why it's hard for me.
Me being a person of control, I said this word before, and wanting control,
(26:22):
it's difficult for me to not know what he's thinking.
And the unknown sometimes is what drives me insane.
Not knowing and not Not being able to even find out because he's too afraid
to tell me or, you know, he's trying to gauge and read what it is I'm feeling, the language barrier,
(26:46):
you know, a whole gaggle of things that could be causing this wedge in between
us or causing this wall to, you know, be put up.
And, you know, marriage is really hard because the unknown, and the unknown could be anything.
The unknown could be, you know, what if something happens tomorrow?
(27:09):
And, you know, what if something happens tomorrow?
As basic and as bottom line as I can be, what happens? You know,
the unknown can what make relationships, not only just marriages,
but relationships hard.
So everybody in their relationship has their own set of problems,
(27:30):
issues, and things that arise that makes it hard for them.
But I think that that is mine, ours.
And you really just have to choose love. and choosing love means compassion compromise,
(27:51):
confirming each other's feelings for each other, being transparent about what you feel,
being mindful of what you feel, being careful with the truth that is thoughtful
and not mean, speaking on things that...
Music.
(28:18):
Speaking on things that sorry about that that you
know aren't fun all the time and being willing to push
through it so but yeah man those are
you know some of the things that are going on and i am just really you know
doing my best to push through and continue to love my myself,
(28:44):
continue to love my husband,
and continue to be the person that I'm destined to be.
Some quick items. I'm a claims adjuster full-time now.
I'm in a ramping period where they give me so many claims a week.
Eventually, I will get to a point where I'll have 40 claims or more during the
week. Could be less, could be more, could all depend.
(29:05):
And I'm really enjoying that right now. The business has slowed down to a halt for a little bit.
I just changed my hours to four to nine during the week and then open,
you know, I'm open currently.
And I'm just, you know, and that's okay. You know, the business has slowed down.
It makes me sad because I really enjoy doing it, but I'm also taking the time
(29:25):
to enjoy what I'm going through.
Carlos and I are going to be traveling a lot more this year.
So I'm really happy about that and just nurturing the relationships with the
people that want to be around me, you know, and want to care for me and loved
me for being the best person I can be, you know?
So that's all I got, man.
(29:47):
It's been interesting and fun, you know, and frustrating and angry and tiring
and all the things that being an adult is moments for me,
but I am truly grateful for it all.
So I hope this podcast Podcast catches you guys well.
(30:11):
You can find me on Reggie's Expressions, R-E-G-G-E-E-S, Expressions,
E-X-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N-S on TikTok.
You can also find me there on Instagram. And you can find me at R-L Socorro
Garner, A-R-E space E-L Socorro Garner on Facebook.
(30:37):
And you can catch me on Apple Podcasts. I'm everywhere. So I will catch y'all
later. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you guys later. Bye.
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Sometimes you just have to toot your own horn, you know. I'm giving myself an
applause because, or you guys gave me an applause because it's been so long
since I've been on here and done a podcast.
(00:20):
Last time I was on here, it was episode seven, or season seven, episode two.
So basically, I went back a season, you know, because I'm actually in season
eight. I did have a season eight teaser.
And that one was an update. You know, it was a catch-up of what had been going
on with me since the last time I did the teaser.
(00:45):
I mentioned my hiatus being longer than what I expected.
And, you know, I was giving you guys reasons why that was. And I'm back again
and I don't have any reasons.
I have not felt inspired to do so.
I have had a lot of, I've had downtime, you know, life has changed for me in
(01:08):
terms of my current job. job, you know, things have changed for me,
you know, and therapy-wise, you know, in a good way.
And I've just been more, a lot more self-talk when it comes to my stresses,
triggers, anxiety, and all those things.
(01:28):
I've been talking to myself more in terms of acknowledging my triggers and,
you know, getting myself through with, you know, positive self-talk and, you know,
of being, applying the therapy that I have, you know, listened to for so long.
You know, I can't quite remember, but there was a period maybe a year ago,
(01:53):
maybe two years ago at this point, I was in the transition of getting a new therapist.
And I at first was completely against it because I was like,
I would have to start all over.
And, you know, they don't quite understand. And just it's getting through the
fear of starting with somebody new and them not understanding,
having to go through the song and dance of getting to know someone.
(02:16):
Where I realized that I was really just listening to therapy and saying all
the things, but not actually applying it to life because I found myself having
a lot of the same stressors, abandonment issues,
you know, money concerns,
misunderstandings from people, you know, getting upset and distancing myself
(02:40):
from others, you know, because that was my coping mechanism.
And I've been in a place for a while now where I have had to really practice what I preach,
not only listen to the word and regurgitate what it is I hear,
it's actually putting it into action.
(03:03):
And I will be honest about that. I wasn't doing that before.
So I'm at a different place. I feel like even though it's been maybe six,
you know, or less months, I feel like a completely different person in a good way.
I feel like I've grown significantly.
I've, you know, become wiser and more aware and more mindful and more intentional
(03:31):
about my mindfulness than I had been in the past.
My overall disposition is still to live and let live, be who you want to be,
no labels, don't judge others,
let people be themselves,
(03:52):
and staying true to myself as well.
So, you know, learning the difference between honesty and straightforwardness,
knowing the difference of, you know, wielding honesty as a sword or using honesty
as a place of growth and reflectiveness.
(04:16):
I've had a lot of downtime.
Necessary downtime, long time for me to put in practice a lot of the things
that I've learned in therapy.
Y'all know I'm a talker. I can come on here and I can talk for an hour plus about,
(04:38):
the grains of sand on a beach and talk about it with such emotion and vigor that,
you know, you could probably listen for hours, but to be honest,
there's no depth, you know, to that.
(04:59):
So I have really just been,
you know, on a quest to just be in the world, really think about how I feel
about things before I respond,
being mindful of how I say something can affect how other people hear the message
(05:24):
and understanding the difference of that person's trigger and my truth,
you know, it's a lot of song and dance when it comes to communicating with people
and you do have to have, you do, you gotta be mindful a lot when you're having
conversations with others that I think a lot of people lack,
(05:46):
you know, and,
it can be exhausting sometimes, you know, being the person that's always taking
the the higher road in relationships that you have.
You know, it's like, I don't want to be the high moral ground anymore.
You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm pissed about this and I'm going to be pissed
(06:06):
and allowing myself an understanding that that's okay.
It's okay to be angry. It's okay to have, you know, what one would consider
bad emotions like being, you know, bothered or annoyed or angry,
you know, it's okay to be those things.
It's just not okay to use anger, bothered, frustration as wills or weapons that are wielded against,
(06:36):
you know, unsuspecting people who don't deserve it.
So yeah, I've
just been very intentional with just sitting with myself and you know in the
last few months we've had mother's day and that being a very hard day for me
and then today being father's day and having a good conversation with my father,
(07:02):
about you know the truth of our relationship in terms of you know not only gathering like.
Tangible things, but to actually be present for those of you who may not know,
I'm in Florida and my father lives in Georgia where I am in Florida,
(07:22):
which is central Florida.
It's only really about a five, six hour difference.
And I literally only come home once a year. That has been the norm for the last,
I, man, probably last ten years.
I remember, you know, when it changed, I remember specifically making that decision,
(07:46):
like, all right, April is going to be the day that I go and not using any of
my other time off as opportunities to go see my family.
Some of it was avoidance. Some of it was, you know, just predicated on my relationships
with my siblings and how I was with them. And if we were on a good,
(08:06):
you know, if we were on a good page or not.
But, you know, having a conversation with my dad yesterday, I realized,
you know, I mean, he wanted me, he wants me to come home more.
And, you know, it didn't make me sad because I was aware that I only come home once a year, right?
(08:27):
And I know that our relationship is just relegated to the phone.
And I just had a thought, you know, me being a person that likes to have control,
our relationship is relegated to only being on the phone because I can control that.
If I don't want to talk to my dad anymore, I can just hang up and,
you know, disconnect rather than him being in front of my face and,
(08:49):
you know, having to make an effort to get away from him.
You know what I'm saying? So I just had that thought as I was saying that,
but you know, it's, it's that way by design because control most importantly,
and then, you know, if I'm going to pull back the layer a little bit more,
(09:10):
you know, not feeling like I'm strong enough to be able to handle any conflict,
you know, that could potentially happen between he and I.
You know, without giving you guys, like, the entire evolution of my dad and
I's relationship, we've been in a good place for a while.
(09:30):
You know, most of that was, you know, was shortly after losing my mom and,
you know, me being now a only, you know, one parent child, you know, a motherless child.
And the other part of it is just, you know, the convenience of our relationship,
not having to reconcile with the fact that we still have some work to do.
(09:52):
You know what I'm saying?
And only face-to-face can really cause that to be prevalent.
You know what I'm saying? Like, prominent in our face, you know?
And I guess it pushes me to realize that I still got more work to do when I
honestly and truly don't want to do it. I have to.
I have to be honest. But, you know, I was talking with my dad yesterday,
(10:15):
and when he said it, it wasn't like hesitation.
It was just like, what does my life look like going home to see my father even more?
And then I started thinking, oh, well, Carlos got to work. Well,
no, Carlos is not his son, so he doesn't have to go.
Oh, well, I got to get a hotel room. Well, okay, yeah, you did that when you
(10:36):
go to Albany with Carlos, so what's the problem? And I was really just trying
to focus, like, what would that look like?
How frequent would that be, you know, with my father?
And, you know, it was just a conversation of him not wanting to grow old or,
you know, distance to go by.
And it's, you know, it's a fear of his that, you know, he will continue to,
(11:01):
you know, grow older and, you know, medical things that happen to him,
you know, that something potentially could happen.
And I guess he's battling with his own mortality now, you know,
as a 73-year-old man would, you know, especially after your ex-wife passes on
at 70 years old, you know.
I would imagine that would be something that my dad would go through.
(11:24):
And, you know, in so many ways, you know, not so many ways, in a very direct
way, it was like, yeah, I would want to see you more. I'm not expecting you
to come through the door on tomorrow, but I would love to see you more.
And that is feedback that is not even really a feedback.
It's an observation that I was aware of myself and that I take full responsibility
(11:49):
of not doing, you know, for the reasons that I mentioned before.
I did get an opportunity to go to Albany, you know, with celebrating my grandmother's
101st birthday, you know, had an amazing conversation with my stepmom and had
some healing and pushing through.
But I also got a chance to see my dad, you know, I got a chance to see my father,
(12:13):
you know, he lives in Albany.
But my dad, you know, revealed to me that he was blind in one eye.
You know, I asked why hadn't he shared that with me and he, you know,
didn't really have an answer.
And then I also saw my dad shaking. You know, he might have,
you know, early onset Parkinson's.
I don't even know if that's a thing, but I saw him shaking in his right arm.
(12:36):
And I could tell that he was embarrassed by it. When I mentioned it to him,
I could tell him really just wanting to, you know, push away from it and not, you know, respond.
Because, you know, my dad, I've never seen my dad vulnerable in that way.
Other than periods of him being sick and things that I've seen over in my childhood
(12:56):
with my father being hungover and things of that nature.
I've never seen my father vulnerable in that way.
And it made me realize I'm at the age now where my parents are getting older
and that I do need to be around more.
So I had that separate thought before, but quite quickly you come back to,
(13:17):
you know, you come back home and you start thinking like, okay, I'm gonna do that.
And then it just becomes a background, you know, you know, thing like, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. So I don't know if the next
time I have this episode, you know, which I'm going to go into detail about that, too.
I don't know by the time I have this next episode if I'll have,
(13:41):
you know, had or seen my father.
But let's hope, you know, fingers crossed that we will.
But, yeah, you know, I received that yesterday.
And, you know, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go home more.
(14:01):
So, for those of you who may be wondering about why the hiatus has, has happened.
I mean, I mentioned this earlier and in this clip, I haven't felt inspired.
To want to do things, I've completely like distanced myself from the Black Podcast
Association, which I was like heavy into, you know, and some of that has to
(14:26):
do with me being fanatical.
Sometimes like I can be like boss to the wall into something and,
you know, I'll end up starting to become fatigued of being that one thing or
just focusing on that one thing for so long. So that may be the ADHD.
I haven't been clinically diagnosed or diagnosed in a way that is like real.
(14:51):
You know, I haven't gone to the doctor or anything, you know,
regarding my, you know, potential ADHD.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I wanted to uncheck it.
But yeah, I think that's kind of the case. But, you know, being focused on any
one thing as a multifaceted person can seem very, like, claustrophobic to me sometimes.
(15:15):
And sometimes I just have to, like, as soon as I quit, I do it.
I have to, you know, I typically will quit it almost as instantaneously as it
was as I started, you know. And I started, I start letting things like numbers get me down.
And I was just looking at my podcast numbers and it's like 250,000 listens in
(15:38):
the last two years that I've been on this platform.
And, you know, sometimes I have spurts where, you know, it's like really successful.
It does well. And sometimes I don't. But letting that, you know,
be like, well, see, this is why I don't know about it, really care about what
it is I'm saying or whatever.
And it's just like, you know, does that really matter? Like at the end of the day,
I know it's helpful to some people because I've, you know, seen others break
(16:01):
that fourth wall and say, hey, Reggie, I, you know, appreciate you saying those
things and telling more about yourself and being vulnerable.
And it's helped me be that, you know. And yeah, I know that there's a special
place for me as a podcaster, Black man,
(16:24):
gay Black man in the South.
I know that there is space for my voice.
And then also, let's not ignore the fact that a lot of folks that be having,
you know, podcasts, you know.
Unceremoniously have mics that they shouldn't have. You know what I'm saying?
(16:47):
Being a talking head sometimes, you know, has a gift and a curse.
The curse, more or less, which if you go to videos on TikTok,
you'll find, you know, what do you call it?
You know, a mockery, somebody, you know, joking around or playing around,
mocking, you know, a podcaster for, you know, thinking deeply about shallow shit.
(17:14):
That's not my, that's not, that's, shout out to Consciously for,
he's coined that term and I believe it, you know.
And being disingenuine, not disingenuine, I'm sorry,
being disengaged by some of the conversations that have been had online and
feeling like my voice doesn't matter and going to TikTok and doing video essays
(17:36):
and spending 10 minutes coming up with thought and then only two people see your videos.
That all, you know, kind of plays into, it plays into how I'm being received.
And I spend way too much time on that. So to the person who's listening to this
intently and as fervorously as you've listened from day one,
(18:01):
I'm talking to you. I appreciate you.
And I'm making this for you because I know that you do care about what I think.
And I'm apologizing to you for going ghost and not being consistent.
Now, I'm not going to promise that I'm going to do better, okay,
because I've accepted the relationship with what I have with podcasting that
(18:25):
it's not something at this time that I feel like needs that much focus.
But I am aware that I
am aware that I need to do it a little bit more frequently and I need to make
a commitment to myself that I will allow this to be an outlet for me to be able
(18:48):
to express myself and not only look to TikTok and Facebook.
Cause I've been in the TikTok pretty heavy, like pretty heavy.
I've gotten Carlos on it. You know, I still do Facebook.
And a lot of times I feel like it falls on deaf ears, but it's,
it's an, it's the older platform.
So, and I don't necessarily need a large platform to get what I need out.
(19:10):
I just need, you know, an opportunity to be able to do so.
And I have control over that. So my apologies.
I'm back, but it may look a little different than week to week that you have grown accustomed to.
And I hope you guys have found that time to be able to go back and rediscover
(19:32):
some of those podcasts that I'm really proud about.
One of my favorite podcasts that I have and I listen to is the one I have the
conversation with my friend and I, Danny,
talking about his his perception about politics and stuff. That was like in
the heart of the pandemic.
(19:52):
And, you know, the conversations, even the ones that have horrible audio,
you know what I'm saying?
The brown tabletop, you know, that I had with a whole bunch of,
you know, kids, you know, the newer generation sitting down discussing things.
And the conversation that I had with my father, that's one of my absolute favorite.
And my all-time favorite is Darlena McDonald, me introducing the world to her
(20:16):
and putting her legacy on wax.
You know what I'm saying? So those are a few of my favorites.
I'd love to hear y'all's.
But yeah, those are some of the ones that get me through times when I'm not inspired.
I go back and I listen to those because I'm proud of the work that I've done.
And I know I've come a long way, come a long way with digging into this platform. for him.
(20:43):
So I don't need to have a big group backing, you know, me and what I need to do.
And that's no shot of disrespect to, you know, the Black Podcast Association,
none of that. It's no disrespect to them.
It's just, you know, yeah. And I'm going to, if I'm going to be completely transparent too,
there was award season that happened in 2022 and, you know, for podcasts and
(21:08):
some of the people that won, you know, it was, it was, I gotta be honest.
It was probably It was coming from a hater place.
And I felt like I had done good content and I felt like I should have been recognized.
But then I was thinking about like, you know, the work that I do and,
you know, lack of feedback and lack of information and lack of,
(21:28):
you know, lack of the unknown.
I really didn't have like good feedback as to why I wasn't nominated.
I just felt like I did a good job, which can be conceived as arrogant or ignorant,
whatever you want to call it.
Just felt like I should have been recognized and I wasn't. And that had a lot
to do with like, why, why, why am I doing this? Why the fuck am I doing this?
(21:52):
If I can't get recognized by peers in a group that I feel like I've,
you know, helped kind of cultivate, not create, but create, cultivate the, uh, the, the culture.
And I felt like I should have been, you know, recognized, but,
But, you know, that has more to do with my own ego and less to do with the people that do,
(22:17):
you know, that were awarded those awards and the people who were,
you know, a part of creating those awards.
Like, it has less to do with them. It probably don't have anything to do with
them and more with my ego.
And I understand that now and acknowledge that, you know, that played a role
in me distancing myself.
(22:38):
But it really, I mean, if I'm being completely transparent, it would,
you know, it probably just fed into my own doubts anyway.
And, you know, long story short, it just added to that distance that I may have
needed, you know, from this.
So, as I said before, sometimes I get to a point where I'm like,
(22:58):
oh, you know, I can't focus on any one thing.
There's so many variables that could have caused me to do this hiatus that I
have to also put into play as well.
But I'm here now and I definitely like to think, I do.
I'm aware that I have impact. So what else?
(23:22):
We're going to go personal for a little bit. Carlos and I are doing on really
well. We still have therapies.
I say therapies because I have my therapist, he has his, and then we have a couple therapists.
We actually just got a new one. This one has been working well for us.
The other one was a woman therapist, and I think Carlos was very shy,
(23:46):
you know, because she is a woman.
And, you know, Carlos is old school Venezuelan Latino.
You know, men don't talk about that kind of stuff, you know, with women.
So now we have a male therapist who focuses on, you know, sex therapy,
you know, the male bravado and, you know, creating a space to be able to dig
(24:10):
deep into, you know, some of the, you know, norms or.
Well, norms, I was going to say norms of masculinity or some of the shortcomings
of masculinity where we don't allow ourselves, you know, as men to be vulnerable.
It does a very good job. So shout out to him, you know, not to focus solely
(24:30):
on that guy. He's good at facilitating.
But shout out to Carlos for allowing herself to be vulnerable and feeling comfortable
with the guy enough to be able to trust him with some of the stories and things that he's talked about.
You know what I'm saying? And that has allowed us to be more mindful of our
relationship and become closer.
(24:53):
So we're doing good on that front. You know, we recently had,
about two weeks ago at this point, we had a staycation here.
And I have to say, it was fun. It was enjoyable.
It was good to laugh. We went right down the street to Sapphire Falls.
(25:16):
And stayed at the hotel, ate like we were royalty. We did ballet.
Man, we was just all... It was all good and great. It was good and good.
And we got back to us. And the biggest compliment Carlos could have ever said
was that I felt like we got back to the way we were when we were dating.
(25:37):
And I felt like that was amazing.
You know what I'm saying? And I think that that was...
A concerted effort on both of our parts, not just me, you know,
on him, you know, not only just me having the idea, but him allowing himself
to be able to be vulnerable.
And, you know, it did feel like those days. So I'm just happy that we were able
(26:00):
to enjoy that and it has allowed us to become close.
And, you know, like any relationship, it's going to have its ups and downs.
And you guys have heard me say that marriage is hard.
I'm going to explain to you why it's hard for me.
Me being a person of control, I said this word before, and wanting control,
(26:22):
it's difficult for me to not know what he's thinking.
And the unknown sometimes is what drives me insane.
Not knowing and not Not being able to even find out because he's too afraid
to tell me or, you know, he's trying to gauge and read what it is I'm feeling, the language barrier,
(26:46):
you know, a whole gaggle of things that could be causing this wedge in between
us or causing this wall to, you know, be put up.
And, you know, marriage is really hard because the unknown, and the unknown could be anything.
The unknown could be, you know, what if something happens tomorrow?
(27:09):
And, you know, what if something happens tomorrow?
As basic and as bottom line as I can be, what happens? You know,
the unknown can what make relationships, not only just marriages,
but relationships hard.
So everybody in their relationship has their own set of problems,
(27:30):
issues, and things that arise that makes it hard for them.
But I think that that is mine, ours.
And you really just have to choose love. and choosing love means compassion compromise,
(27:51):
confirming each other's feelings for each other, being transparent about what you feel,
being mindful of what you feel, being careful with the truth that is thoughtful
and not mean, speaking on things that...
Music.
(28:18):
Speaking on things that sorry about that that you
know aren't fun all the time and being willing to push
through it so but yeah man those are
you know some of the things that are going on and i am just really you know
doing my best to push through and continue to love my myself,
(28:44):
continue to love my husband,
and continue to be the person that I'm destined to be.
Some quick items. I'm a claims adjuster full-time now.
I'm in a ramping period where they give me so many claims a week.
Eventually, I will get to a point where I'll have 40 claims or more during the
week. Could be less, could be more, could all depend.
(29:05):
And I'm really enjoying that right now. The business has slowed down to a halt for a little bit.
I just changed my hours to four to nine during the week and then open,
you know, I'm open currently.
And I'm just, you know, and that's okay. You know, the business has slowed down.
It makes me sad because I really enjoy doing it, but I'm also taking the time
(29:25):
to enjoy what I'm going through.
Carlos and I are going to be traveling a lot more this year.
So I'm really happy about that and just nurturing the relationships with the
people that want to be around me, you know, and want to care for me and loved
me for being the best person I can be, you know?
So that's all I got, man.
(29:47):
It's been interesting and fun, you know, and frustrating and angry and tiring
and all the things that being an adult is moments for me,
but I am truly grateful for it all.
So I hope this podcast Podcast catches you guys well.
(30:11):
You can find me on Reggie's Expressions, R-E-G-G-E-E-S, Expressions,
E-X-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N-S on TikTok.
You can also find me there on Instagram. And you can find me at R-L Socorro
Garner, A-R-E space E-L Socorro Garner on Facebook.
(30:37):
And you can catch me on Apple Podcasts. I'm everywhere. So I will catch y'all
later. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you guys later. Bye.
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