Teen Motherhood, Trauma, Adrenal fatigue and Business with 2/4 Emotional Projector Beth Carter

Episode Transcript
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(00:03):
This is rest for the revolution.
A projector's dilemma. 3 00:00:09,189.5 --> 00:00:12,109.5 Hi everybody and welcome to rest for the revolution today. 4 00:00:12,109.5 --> 00:00:30,809.5 I have the magical Beth Carter who I have been building business alongside in a beautiful way for many years now She is the founder and owner of bba bookkeeping and the badass bookkeeper The bookkeeping one is a service for companies to be bookkeepers. 5 00:00:30,969.5 --> 00:00:36,889.5 The badass bookkeeper is all about teaching people to be bookkeepers and badasses, obviously. 6 00:00:37,69.5 --> 00:00:41,249.5 She's also an optional projector, and I'm super excited to talk. 7 00:00:41,269.499 --> 00:00:42,799.5 Thank you for being here today.

(00:43):
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time. 9 00:00:47,739.5 --> 00:00:48,839.5 It's going to be amazing. 10 00:00:49,169.499 --> 00:00:50,710 I always, shit on me, Alex. 11 00:00:51,234.5 --> 00:00:53,180 I scare the shit out of you? Yeah. 12 00:00:54,244.5 --> 00:00:56,114.5 I don't know how to respond to that.
Like in a good way.
.999Like in a good, like, like, what are you going to ask me? Like, cause you know that I'm going to just let it all out.

(01:03):
.5So Well, with that, we know this is going to be good. 16 00:01:09,494.5 --> 00:01:10,684.5 I always start with the same question. 17 00:01:10,864.5 --> 00:01:24,600 So, you're safe to start, which is, over the course of your lifetime, what has your relationship to rest been like? I feel like it depends on what you mean by rest.

(01:26):
I am a huge sleeper.
And a huge napper, I'm also a total workaholic, right? So like, how do you.
I don't know.
.999Is it, is it resting by napping? Is that actually resting or is that like, Hey, there's something wrong with you because you sleep too damn much. 22 00:01:50,559.5 --> 00:01:51,919.5 Whoa, plot twist. 23 00:01:52,84.999 --> 00:01:52,534.999 Yeah.

(01:53):
Yeah. 25 00:01:54,469.5 --> 00:02:03,975 we get to define it however feels right, and I think you're talking a lot about resting equating with sleep, right? Is that what I'm hearing? Yeah.
I mean, so I had mono when I was or 16 I feel like I've been tired ever since. 27 00:02:11,379.5 --> 00:02:11,799.5 Wow.
a lot.
Like I sleep 12 hours a night.

(02:15):
And then take a nap during the day.
And so to me, I'm like, well, that's a ton of rest.
Like I'm fine, then I'm still tired and still, so like, you know, my entire sort of waking period I'm working because it's such a small of the day. 33 00:02:34,119.5 --> 00:02:35,369.5 Oh, that's so interesting. 34 00:02:35,379.5 --> 00:02:41,839.499 So you don't take as much rest time, waking rest. 35 00:02:41,904.6 --> 00:02:46,570 Is No, if I'm, if I'm resting, I'm going to be sleeping. 36 00:02:47,894.5 --> 00:03:03,290 your relationship to sleep positive? Like, does it feel good to be asleep or are you just passed out? It feels good to be asleep, but then I start feeling guilty depending on how Often it is because it definitely kind of comes in waves when it's like, all I can do is sleep for days.

(03:04):
Or, you know, if it's like my normal sort of sleep amount.
I actually just started taking some supplements. 39 00:03:13,869.999 --> 00:03:14,479.998 I started seeing a naturopath. 40 00:03:16,174.999 --> 00:03:23,764.999 And she did all these like tests that, you know, your PCP is never gonna test you for. 41 00:03:24,514.999 --> 00:03:30,894.999 And she was like, she, she got the test results back, she goes your tests results were awful. 42 00:03:31,724.998 --> 00:03:35,304.998 And I was like, really? And she goes, which is awesome because it means I can fix you. 43 00:03:36,334.499 --> 00:03:37,74.499 Yeah, totally. 44 00:03:37,124.499 --> 00:03:37,494.499 Yeah. 45 00:03:37,764.499 --> 00:03:38,4.499 Yeah. 46 00:03:38,4.499 --> 00:03:39,754.5 So she's got me on these supplements. 47 00:03:39,754.5 --> 00:03:44,329.5 And ever since I started taking them, I'm like, The Energizer Bunny. 48 00:03:45,513.999 --> 00:03:48,898.9 So you maybe were sick and didn't even like identify it as sick. 49 00:03:49,999.5 --> 00:03:57,669.5 Well, so I've been saying to doctors for God, 15, 25, 35, 45, 30, 30 years. 50 00:03:58,429.5 --> 00:03:59,409.5 something's wrong with me. 51 00:04:00,419.5 --> 00:04:01,749.499 It's not normal to sleep this much. 52 00:04:01,749.5 --> 00:04:03,389.4995 It's not normal to be this tired all the time. 53 00:04:03,439.4995 --> 00:04:12,259.5005 and it was always sort of, I know everybody goes through this to an extent, right? Where it's like, Oh, well you're you're a teenager who just had a baby. 54 00:04:13,54.5005 --> 00:04:15,664.5005 You're a a mom to a newborn. 55 00:04:16,234.5005 --> 00:04:17,494.5005 You're a mom to a toddler. 56 00:04:17,954.5005 --> 00:04:21,374.5005 Oh, you're working full time and taking care of a child with a disability. 57 00:04:22,234.5 --> 00:04:23,644.5005 you just started your own business. 58 00:04:23,704.5005 --> 00:04:28,284.5005 Like, always been a reason I was tired. 59 00:04:29,204.5005 --> 00:04:38,404.5005 And for the last eight years, since I've been with my now husband who is a freaking unicorn, like he's just amazing. 60 00:04:38,414.5005 --> 00:04:39,834.5005 Like life has settled. 61 00:04:40,659.5005 --> 00:04:41,49.5005 Right. 62 00:04:41,149.5005 --> 00:04:45,469.5005 And like, it's easy now compared to some of the shit that I dealt with in the past. 63 00:04:46,239.5005 --> 00:04:50,149.5005 kid's grown up, you know, I work when I want to work. 64 00:04:50,419.5005 --> 00:04:51,519.5005 My husband's amazing. 65 00:04:51,519.5005 --> 00:04:54,749.5005 I don't have drama in my life and I'm still tired. 66 00:04:54,799.5005 --> 00:05:01,89.4995 That was the indicator to me that something was wrong was there's no excuse for it anymore. 67 00:05:01,279.5005 --> 00:05:03,859.5005 The doctors can't say, oh, well it's because of this. 68 00:05:05,179.5005 --> 00:05:08,659.5005 Oh, started a little bit with, well, it's pre perimenopause. 69 00:05:09,894.5005 --> 00:05:15,164.5005 You know, and I was like, no, no, no, no, we're not, we're not doing that game. 70 00:05:15,304.5005 --> 00:05:19,904.5005 But yeah, when the naturopath saw everything, she was like you basically don't make cortisol. 71 00:05:20,774.5005 --> 00:05:21,774.5005 Adrenal fatigue. 72 00:05:21,924.5005 --> 00:05:35,894.4995 So you're done making cortisol, which means for those who don't know this, probably if you have adrenal like dump like that and you don't make cortisol at some points in your life, you were probably making too much until your body just gave up and was like, Oh, you didn't know that. 73 00:05:37,454.5005 --> 00:05:37,824.5005 Yeah. 74 00:05:37,854.5005 --> 00:05:41,624.5005 So usually it's like high, high levels of stress and you produce cortisol. 75 00:05:41,634.5005 --> 00:05:43,924.5005 And then eventually your body's like, well, you're not going to listen anyway. 76 00:05:43,924.5005 --> 00:05:46,384.5005 So we're just not even going to have the stress hormone anymore. 77 00:05:47,344.5005 --> 00:05:50,69.96683333 That's like a very right. 78 00:05:50,204.5005 --> 00:05:54,99.5005 your doctor would probably be like, Shuddering, but that's conceptually what it is. 79 00:05:56,100.0005 --> 00:05:59,550.0005 no, I've definitely dealt with some stress in the past, so that would make sense. 80 00:06:00,799.5005 --> 00:06:01,569.5005 So, okay. 81 00:06:01,569.5005 --> 00:06:06,540.0005 I want to get back to your test results But you said so many things that I have so many questions about Okay, go for it. 82 00:06:06,639.4995 --> 00:06:25,240.0005 Okay, go back to your childhood First question is did you get messages around rest when you were a child from your family? And if so, what were they my mom never rested. 83 00:06:26,540.0005 --> 00:06:47,749.9995 My mom was a mostly stay at home mom, and she always doing something, which was dictated by my birth father, who had expectations of her being like the Stepford wife. 84 00:06:49,540.0005 --> 00:06:51,620.0005 Right? So, like, she didn't relax. 85 00:06:51,940.0005 --> 00:06:52,250.0005 Ever. 86 00:06:52,260.0005 --> 00:06:55,450.0005 There was never a time that I saw her sitting with a coloring book. 87 00:06:55,510.0005 --> 00:06:59,110.0005 Or, you know, obviously we didn't have, like, phone games then. 88 00:06:59,160.0005 --> 00:07:02,680.0005 Right? But, like, there wasn't downtime. 89 00:07:03,490.0005 --> 00:07:07,19.9995 was, you know, cleaning, doing a project, sewing. 90 00:07:07,90.0005 --> 00:07:09,80.0015 For, like, clothes to actually wear. 91 00:07:09,90.0015 --> 00:07:10,300.0015 Not, like, for fun. 92 00:07:11,240.0015 --> 00:07:16,570.0015 know? So yeah, that's, that's probably what I saw was there was never any rest. 93 00:07:17,559.5015 --> 00:07:26,790.0015 was there? Enforcement of that standard for a woman in your household because you said birth father So I assume he wasn't there the whole time He was there the whole time until I moved out. 94 00:07:26,790.0015 --> 00:07:27,520.0015 I just don't like him. 95 00:07:27,520.0015 --> 00:07:30,360.0015 So like to even use the word father. 96 00:07:31,59.5015 --> 00:07:31,579.5015 I like it. 97 00:07:33,739.5015 --> 00:07:39,769.5015 So, was there enforcement of the, like, women don't sit still? Did it feel gendered? I guess is my question. 98 00:07:40,620.0015 --> 00:07:41,630.0015 No, it didn't. 99 00:07:41,630.0015 --> 00:07:44,840.0015 It just was like, Oh, well, he's an asshole. 100 00:07:47,690.0015 --> 00:07:50,920.0005 That was like the answer for everything that was weird in my household. 101 00:07:51,235.0015 --> 00:07:51,535.0015 Right. 102 00:07:51,545.0015 --> 00:07:52,199.5015 It was Wow. 103 00:07:52,535.0015 --> 00:07:53,535.0015 you know, he's an ass. 104 00:07:55,149.5015 --> 00:08:03,245.0025 When did you realize that? My mother would tell me, so my mother was my best, best, best, best friend in the whole wide world. 105 00:08:03,245.0025 --> 00:08:04,645.0025 She passed like eight years ago. 106 00:08:06,655.0025 --> 00:08:10,885.0035 and she tells me that from the day I was born, I wouldn't go to him. 107 00:08:13,579.5025 --> 00:08:14,789.5035 Good taste, I guess. 108 00:08:15,205.0035 --> 00:08:15,475.0035 Yeah. 109 00:08:15,965.0035 --> 00:08:16,365.0035 Yeah. 110 00:08:16,415.0035 --> 00:08:21,65.0045 And honestly, and like, you know, I'm like in a weird space on the woo woo scale. 111 00:08:21,65.0045 --> 00:08:22,135.0045 Like, I'm not really sure. 112 00:08:22,365.0045 --> 00:08:22,735.0045 Right. 113 00:08:23,155.0045 --> 00:08:25,215.0045 But I don't know. 114 00:08:25,215.0045 --> 00:08:27,765.0045 I've always been a really good judge of character. 115 00:08:28,470.0045 --> 00:08:43,720.0045 like really just like about sort of vibe and like, are you, are you a good vibe? Are you bad vibe? but no, I was very young when I started figuring out that it was not a good, that he was not a good person. 116 00:08:44,184.5045 --> 00:08:48,850.0045 Do you know why your mom was with him? She didn't know any different. 117 00:08:49,770.0045 --> 00:08:52,40.0045 She met him when she was a teenager. 118 00:08:52,910.0045 --> 00:09:02,450.0035 And she thought she always says I thought he had money, but that was like her way because she didn't like to be confrontational in any way. 119 00:09:02,480.0035 --> 00:09:06,310.0045 So everything was sort of a jokey, like, Oh, I just thought he had money. 120 00:09:06,340.0045 --> 00:09:07,440.0045 So I married him. 121 00:09:08,260.0045 --> 00:09:11,20.0045 and then I found out he didn't, you know, something like that. 122 00:09:11,370.0045 --> 00:09:33,754.9055 And then as my brother and I were young, and once I started vocalizing, you know, how I felt about it when, when I was older, her responses would be, I'm waiting for you and your brother to graduate from high school, you know, and sure enough it was when I was, a pregnant teenager that she ended up leaving him. 123 00:09:34,764.4055 --> 00:09:36,184.4055 Wow, we'll get back to that. 124 00:09:36,614.9055 --> 00:09:37,34.9055 Yeah. 125 00:09:37,144.4055 --> 00:09:40,834.4055 So you're watching your mom overfunction in the household. 126 00:09:41,194.4055 --> 00:09:52,74.9055 Do you remember copying that or were you naturally wanting more rest or how did you act as a kid? like her little sidekick. 127 00:09:53,294.9055 --> 00:09:55,394.9055 I wanted to do everything that she was doing. 128 00:09:55,404.9055 --> 00:09:58,764.9055 And I learned how to sew when I was really young. 129 00:09:58,884.9045 --> 00:10:06,334.9055 And I remember sitting there, she had gone to secretarial school and had been an executive secretary. 130 00:10:06,694.9055 --> 00:10:27,94.9055 Before I was born and we had a typewriter and I remember sitting there listening to her type and it was like the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and if she was ever, you know, typing a letter or doing something for, my dad who had a business like she, I don't even know. 131 00:10:27,124.9055 --> 00:10:28,404.9055 I was like, I want that. 132 00:10:28,484.9055 --> 00:10:29,804.9055 That's what I want to be when I grow up. 133 00:10:29,824.9055 --> 00:10:31,14.9055 I want to be somebody who can type. 134 00:10:33,39.4045 --> 00:10:34,749.4045 That's so interesting and cool. 135 00:10:37,774.4055 --> 00:10:39,104.4055 I know you're a good typer, too. 136 00:10:39,494.9055 --> 00:10:40,24.9055 I am. 137 00:10:40,334.9055 --> 00:10:40,644.9055 Yeah. 138 00:10:40,704.9055 --> 00:10:54,144.9055 Well, you know what I did is when the Tandy 500 computer came out in like, what, 1989 or something, I bought Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing and I taught myself to type when I was like, nine, ten years old. 139 00:10:55,244.4055 --> 00:10:55,704.4055 Wow. 140 00:10:55,854.4055 --> 00:11:01,794.4055 So, nine, ten years old, you're copying your mom and buzzing around and teaching yourself how to type. 141 00:11:02,24.4055 --> 00:11:08,114.9045 Do you remember if you were tired at that point? I don't think so. 142 00:11:09,604.9055 --> 00:11:22,134.9045 Yeah, I don't really remember it being such a huge issue until I had mono, Did you have mono before or after you had a baby? twice before. 143 00:11:23,674.9045 --> 00:11:26,224.9045 So I had it at 15 and then I had it again at 16. 144 00:11:28,24.9045 --> 00:11:30,14.9045 And Were you pregnant at 16. 145 00:11:32,134.4035 --> 00:11:36,254.4035 I don't think we even really respect how much happens in those viral infections. 146 00:11:37,364.9045 --> 00:11:46,114.9045 Yeah, well, I guess there's studies they used to think that, oh, once you have mono, like you have the, you know, antibodies and then you can't get it again and you're done. 147 00:11:47,74.9045 --> 00:11:49,104.9045 but I absolutely had it twice. 148 00:11:49,104.9045 --> 00:11:50,944.9045 It was actually worse the second time. 149 00:11:51,854.9045 --> 00:11:58,604.9045 And apparently my, my naturopath was telling me, oh, no, no, there's studies that it can stay. 150 00:11:58,634.9045 --> 00:12:16,184.9045 And she goes, she said, you know, on top of that is the fact that your body might not have had time to heal because you got pregnant sort of soon after having it that this could have been just like a long, you know, like long COVID, right? Long mono. 151 00:12:17,299.4045 --> 00:12:20,229.4045 Wow, okay, so you get pregnant at 16. 152 00:12:20,239.4045 --> 00:12:25,334.9045 How'd that go? Well, my mom got really mad. 153 00:12:25,504.9045 --> 00:12:28,184.9045 The way I told her I blamed it on her. 154 00:12:29,369.4045 --> 00:12:30,439.4045 Nice move. 155 00:12:31,454.9035 --> 00:12:38,724.9045 I've had the ability to be sort of manipulative in my life, which I'm interested to hear how that connects to my human design. 156 00:12:39,49.4045 --> 00:12:41,949.4045 How do you even blame someone for getting pregnant? That's really impressive. 157 00:12:42,234.9045 --> 00:12:54,229.9045 are you ready for this? I'm ready I had asked her when I first started dating my, my child's father, I had asked her to take me to to get birth control. 158 00:12:55,289.9045 --> 00:13:04,134.9045 And she said to me, if you're going to be doing adult things, in the bedroom, then you can do adult things yourself and go get yourself birth control. 159 00:13:05,594.9045 --> 00:13:12,784.9045 Which was so weird because she was like the most laid back, cool mom ever, like wouldn't do anything. 160 00:13:13,244.9045 --> 00:13:16,624.9035 So for her to kind of put her foot down was like super weird. 161 00:13:17,534.9035 --> 00:13:25,129.9045 And then Yeah I said to her that it was her fault because she wouldn't get me birth control. 162 00:13:27,339.4045 --> 00:13:35,149.4045 I love the ballsyness of that And may we all be as ballsy as our 16 year old selves were. 163 00:13:36,809.4045 --> 00:13:42,509.9045 So, did you immediately know you were going to have the baby? I definitely thought about it. 164 00:13:43,199.9045 --> 00:13:44,609.9045 I wouldn't say it was immediate. 165 00:13:44,629.9035 --> 00:13:51,734.83783333 Like, I think in my gut it was immediate, but my brain, you know, was, was struggling. 166 00:13:51,784.83783333 --> 00:13:52,964.83783333 I've always been pretty smart. 167 00:13:53,124.83783333 --> 00:13:58,834.83783333 So I knew that I was dumb, I was smart enough to know that I was a dumb 16 year old. 168 00:13:59,834.83783333 --> 00:14:03,504.83783333 But at the same time, I just, I don't know, I couldn't imagine it any other way. 169 00:14:04,854.83783333 --> 00:14:07,34.83783333 So yeah, I had her when I was 17. 170 00:14:08,74.33783333 --> 00:14:22,94.33783333 What happened when you became a mom with, so you were copying your mom this whole time, and then suddenly at a developmentally atypical time for our country, you become a mom. 171 00:14:22,494.33783333 --> 00:14:26,114.33783333 What happened? What happened? I think that's the answer. 172 00:14:26,194.33783333 --> 00:14:33,194.33783333 What happened? I could never live up to what a good mom my mom was Well, you were 17. 173 00:14:33,224.83783333 --> 00:14:34,664.83783333 not to her, but to me. 174 00:14:35,204.83783333 --> 00:14:46,974.83783333 Like, she was the epitome of, you know, the Mary Poppins, the, like, amazing, just perfect in every way kind of mom. 175 00:14:47,454.33783333 --> 00:14:49,74.33783333 Yeah, but you had high school to go to. 176 00:14:49,634.83783333 --> 00:14:50,904.83783333 well, not really. 177 00:14:50,914.83683333 --> 00:14:56,754.83783333 So I had signed up for dual enrollment, so my senior year was supposed to just be at college. 178 00:14:57,684.83783333 --> 00:14:58,474.83783333 And. 179 00:14:59,199.83783333 --> 00:15:06,529.83783333 When I got pregnant in like August, they were like, well, that's not going to work for the second semester. 180 00:15:06,929.83783333 --> 00:15:09,909.83783333 You know, your high school is going to be more lenient. 181 00:15:10,209.83783333 --> 00:15:13,989.83783333 And all I had left for the second semester was English. 182 00:15:14,29.83783333 --> 00:15:16,129.83883333 And they were like, we just need you to take English. 183 00:15:16,919.83783333 --> 00:15:17,829.83783333 I talked to the teacher. 184 00:15:17,839.83783333 --> 00:15:20,319.83783333 They had never seen a pregnant teenager before at this point. 185 00:15:20,319.83783333 --> 00:15:24,369.83783333 I mean, this was, you know, 1998, like this was not the way that it is now. 186 00:15:24,419.93783333 --> 00:15:32,39.93683333 And so I met my teacher and she was like, I was already growing pretty big, by the time the second semester started. 187 00:15:32,459.93683333 --> 00:15:35,979.93683333 And they had to get me like my own, like the chair desk thing. 188 00:15:35,979.93683333 --> 00:15:37,699.93683333 I couldn't fit in cause my belly. 189 00:15:37,739.93683333 --> 00:15:41,439.93683333 So I had to give me my own separate chair that I just sat, in the back. 190 00:15:41,884.93683333 --> 00:15:43,444.93683333 And she only made me come once a week. 191 00:15:44,834.93683333 --> 00:15:46,364.93683333 She's like, as long as you're doing your homework. 192 00:15:46,364.93683333 --> 00:15:52,894.93583333 And like, she knew I was a smart kid, you know? And she's like, as long as you're like, reading and doing your homework, then just come once a week. 193 00:15:52,974.93583333 --> 00:15:55,964.93683333 So I really, school thing wasn't bad. 194 00:15:56,64.93683333 --> 00:15:58,894.93683333 However, this is so me too. 195 00:15:59,284.93683333 --> 00:16:04,744.93583333 I was in the hospital after having my, my daughter. 196 00:16:04,924.93683333 --> 00:16:08,174.93683333 And I went, Oh my gosh, because I had her two weeks early. 197 00:16:08,924.93683333 --> 00:16:10,734.93683333 And I'm a big procrastinator. 198 00:16:10,994.93683333 --> 00:16:13,534.93683333 Like, I'm an overachiever, but I'm also a procrastinator. 199 00:16:14,534.93683333 --> 00:16:18,354.93683333 So I didn't finish my final. 200 00:16:19,494.93683333 --> 00:16:22,304.93583333 And it was due in, like, a week. 201 00:16:23,414.93683333 --> 00:16:24,634.93633333 And so I called her. 202 00:16:24,634.93633333 --> 00:16:27,514.93683333 She had given me her phone, her home phone number at the time. 203 00:16:27,954.93583333 --> 00:16:30,514.93583333 And she's like, if anything happens, you let me know. 204 00:16:30,664.93583333 --> 00:16:35,474.93583333 And I called her from, I can picture it, like the big ol telephone in the hospital. 205 00:16:35,474.93583333 --> 00:16:38,514.93683333 They had to like hand it over to me on the bed. 206 00:16:39,324.93683333 --> 00:16:40,534.9358333 I called her and I said, Mrs. 207 00:16:40,554.9368333 --> 00:16:43,814.9378333 Shapiro my paper's gonna be late. 208 00:16:44,274.9378333 --> 00:16:45,514.9378333 I just had the baby. 209 00:16:47,394.4378333 --> 00:16:49,4.4378333 That's so sweet. 210 00:16:49,664.9378333 --> 00:16:51,124.9378333 She was like, Oh my goodness. 211 00:16:51,224.9378333 --> 00:16:52,764.9378333 And she was not a nice teacher. 212 00:16:52,974.9378333 --> 00:16:54,814.9378333 And she put, she was like, Oh my goodness. 213 00:16:54,864.9378333 --> 00:16:55,834.9368333 Like, don't worry about it. 214 00:16:55,834.9378333 --> 00:16:56,774.9378333 You get it in when you get it. 215 00:16:59,274.4378333 --> 00:17:00,489.3378333 That's, that's sweet. 216 00:17:01,164.9378333 --> 00:17:03,964.9368333 She, I was a feminist and she. 217 00:17:04,324.9378333 --> 00:17:04,974.9378333 Was not. 218 00:17:05,24.9378333 --> 00:17:10,114.9378333 And I argued that Tessa, the Durbervilles, I don't even remember. 219 00:17:10,114.9378333 --> 00:17:11,374.9378333 It was something about Tessa, the Durbervilles. 220 00:17:11,374.9378333 --> 00:17:12,924.9368333 And she just didn't like my opinion. 221 00:17:12,924.9368333 --> 00:17:14,374.9378333 So I got a D on the whole paper. 222 00:17:15,729.4378333 --> 00:17:26,14.9378333 So she was fine with you having a baby at 17 and still doing school, but feminism was not okay with her? I think so. 223 00:17:26,24.9368333 --> 00:17:26,214.9368333 Yeah. 224 00:17:26,214.9378333 --> 00:17:40,364.9378333 If I remember correctly, she might have a different memory of that, but I just remember reading, like reading the, what she had written back and being like, or maybe Alex, this is probably more likely. 225 00:17:41,254.9378333 --> 00:17:45,664.9378333 I probably took the opposite, the opposing opinion of like. 226 00:17:46,724.9378333 --> 00:17:52,394.9378333 Like what it sort of the usual opinion just to be argumentative. 227 00:17:53,649.4378333 --> 00:17:57,529.4368333 Also, you just had a baby, so it's possible it wasn't your best quality work. 228 00:17:58,724.9378333 --> 00:17:59,414.9378333 you think. 229 00:18:00,754.9378333 --> 00:18:03,384.9378333 And I put it together in like two days. 230 00:18:04,79.4378333 --> 00:18:17,954.4378333 You paused for a minute, and I could see your face being like, This bitch said my work wasn't quality, and then you were like, you moved through it, like, yeah, I did just have a baby and was 17, but I can see that, like, I will cut her. 231 00:18:17,984.4378333 --> 00:18:18,604.4378333 That was good. 232 00:18:20,954.9378333 --> 00:18:22,324.9378333 Stop reading my face out. 233 00:18:24,54.4378333 --> 00:18:28,844.4378333 So, you have a baby, and you're 17. 234 00:18:29,354.4368333 --> 00:18:40,444.9368333 What happens next? So when I was pregnant, the dad Donnie and he's also my ex husband, we got an apartment. 235 00:18:41,539.9378333 --> 00:19:01,479.9368333 I remember it so clearly, it was a month, and it was beautiful inside, but it was in the worst neighborhood in the worst town in our surroundings, like where we were from, to the point that they actually had video cameras on the streetlights. 236 00:19:03,444.9368333 --> 00:19:07,44.9368333 Because there was so much crime that happened on that street. 237 00:19:07,414.9368333 --> 00:19:08,814.9368333 Like, it was insane. 238 00:19:08,864.9368333 --> 00:19:12,164.9368333 I was scared to death all the time sitting in my apartment. 239 00:19:12,424.9368333 --> 00:19:19,724.9363333 Luckily, it was set back from the street, but the woman in the upstairs apartment kind of took me on and like, mommed me. 240 00:19:20,294.9363333 --> 00:19:23,554.9363333 You know, where my mom would come over all the time. 241 00:19:25,14.9363333 --> 00:19:32,964.9363333 But if I'm sitting there and Donnie was at work and here I am 17 with a newborn baby and I'm scared to death because like, I hear gunshots outside. 242 00:19:33,674.9363333 --> 00:19:35,34.9353333 It was not, it was not good. 243 00:19:35,54.9363333 --> 00:19:38,104.9353333 My car ended up getting stolen from right in front of the house. 244 00:19:38,774.9363333 --> 00:19:56,664.9363333 And we made it like, we figured it out and you know, I, learned to budget from a very young age, and I would go to the grocery store with a calculator and every single thing that I would put in the cart, I would add. 245 00:19:57,54.9363333 --> 00:20:02,94.9353333 And then when I got close, I had to realize, okay, I have to take this out if I need to put this in. 246 00:20:03,899.9363333 --> 00:20:12,909.9363333 Like, I used the envelope system, which is now called profit first, right? But like back then I literally had my envelopes for this is going to be rent. 247 00:20:12,939.9363333 --> 00:20:16,479.9363333 This is going to, I couldn't even open a checking account because I was an 18. 248 00:20:18,269.9363333 --> 00:20:19,849.9363333 They wouldn't let me open a checking account. 249 00:20:21,939.4363333 --> 00:20:25,159.9363333 How did you come up with the envelope system idea? I don't know. 250 00:20:25,899.9363333 --> 00:20:26,499.9363333 just made sense. 251 00:20:27,279.4363333 --> 00:20:28,919.4363333 You were just a born bookkeeper. 252 00:20:29,299.4363333 --> 00:20:30,729.4363333 Calculator in the grocery store. 253 00:20:31,189.9363333 --> 00:20:31,699.9363333 I know. 254 00:20:32,239.9363333 --> 00:20:52,249.9358333 Like, I can picture myself walking through there just holding, you know, with, with my, my daughter sitting in the little thing with her little legs sticking out in the little cart and then my calculator just, but So, yeah, I mean, how was that time for you? It was interesting because, I had had like a job at JCPenney. 255 00:20:53,104.9368333 --> 00:21:00,4.9368333 You know, when I was pregnant but other than that, like I was 16, So I didn't have work experience. 256 00:21:00,394.9368333 --> 00:21:06,54.9358333 So if I wanted to go and get a job, I would have been being paid minimum wage. 257 00:21:07,474.9368333 --> 00:21:22,179.9378333 Which at the time was probably like 6 an hour, right? I couldn't, would have cost me more to send my kid to daycare in order to work than it would be to just stay home. 258 00:21:23,189.4378333 --> 00:21:28,709.9378333 Were you married at the, what's that? did you get married at this point or were you, at 19. 259 00:21:29,489.4378333 --> 00:21:29,799.4378333 okay. 260 00:21:29,799.5378333 --> 00:21:29,934.3378333 Okay. 261 00:21:30,359.9368333 --> 00:21:34,49.9368333 So, you know, it just, it, just made sense for me to stay home. 262 00:21:35,309.9368333 --> 00:21:40,19.9368333 and then we discovered so I go back and forth. 263 00:21:40,189.9368333 --> 00:21:49,189.9358333 So my daughter is a trans male to female and when I think of her in the past, I think of her as him. 264 00:21:49,789.9358333 --> 00:21:56,789.9358333 So if I refer to one or the other, That's why, when I'm thinking of her now, she's clearly a she, like, in my head. 265 00:21:57,629.9358333 --> 00:22:01,449.9358333 But, back then you know, I didn't know. 266 00:22:01,849.9358333 --> 00:22:04,409.9358333 And she also has autism. 267 00:22:05,299.9348333 --> 00:22:17,449.9358333 And so, addition to being, like, the young mom, Who can't live up to my mom and, doesn't really know what the hell she's doing, but also thinks she knows what she's doing. 268 00:22:19,509.9358333 --> 00:22:29,219.9358333 there were so many things that so many indicators of autism that we didn't know in the nineties. 269 00:22:30,84.9358333 --> 00:22:30,814.9358333 autism. 270 00:22:31,664.9358333 --> 00:22:37,224.9358333 I mean, if you recall, Asperger's started being known around the early 2000s. 271 00:22:38,144.9358333 --> 00:22:45,584.9358333 And it was short lived, even that, like that's how, that's how new and fast moving that diagnostic category is. 272 00:22:45,920.4358333 --> 00:22:46,870.4358333 Right, right. 273 00:22:47,250.4358333 --> 00:22:52,420.3358333 And I mean, even at the time the Department of Education didn't even have autism listed as a disability. 274 00:22:54,550.4358333 --> 00:23:05,150.4348333 as a diagnosis that would allow for an IEP plan, like was one of like the fighters for all that stuff. 275 00:23:05,924.9358333 --> 00:23:07,854.9358333 So, okay, I want to hear more about this. 276 00:23:08,304.9358333 --> 00:23:20,140.3353333 How did you identify your child as having differences that weren't named at that point? So many things like even when she was a baby, she would just lay and listen. 277 00:23:21,20.4353333 --> 00:23:22,40.4353333 stare at me. 278 00:23:23,40.4353333 --> 00:23:25,770.4353333 I would read, I would read books out loud. 279 00:23:25,790.4353333 --> 00:23:30,210.4353333 Like I would read adult books out loud when she was, you know, baby, baby. 280 00:23:30,670.4353333 --> 00:23:40,270.4343333 And she would just lay there like has no place else to be like, that wasn't typical from what I saw from other babies. 281 00:23:41,600.4353333 --> 00:23:49,740.4353333 she would as a baby cry when she got in the car, which was when I heard babies were supposed to be calm. 282 00:23:49,835.5353333 --> 00:23:58,485.4353333 And then she had no physical reaction when we were at the doctor's and she would get shots or whatever. 283 00:23:59,595.4353333 --> 00:24:04,125.4343333 So I started putting these things together, like, something is, something is off. 284 00:24:04,975.4353333 --> 00:24:10,295.4343333 Like, she's, she's not, she's not connecting with pain. 285 00:24:11,475.4353333 --> 00:24:15,995.4353333 and pleasure in a way that makes sense to me. 286 00:24:16,665.4353333 --> 00:24:22,15.4363333 And then when she started walking, she was on her tiptoes she was always super smart. 287 00:24:22,15.4363333 --> 00:24:24,825.4353333 She was reading fluently by three and a half. 288 00:24:26,255.4353333 --> 00:24:29,945.4353333 And, and so just all these things together, I used to say to the doctor all the time. 289 00:24:29,945.4353333 --> 00:24:36,985.4353333 I'm like, you can't tell me same as like with me being tired, right? Like you can't tell me that this, this, this, this, and this don't all go together somehow. 290 00:24:37,435.4353333 --> 00:24:39,595.4353333 Like all of these things can't be a coincidence. 291 00:24:41,30.4353333 --> 00:24:48,40.4353333 Whenever we would bathe her, she would be screaming at the top of her lungs, like it was the worst thing she had ever experienced. 292 00:24:48,850.4353333 --> 00:24:54,75.4353333 And the doctors were like, You know, like I was taking her to, she wasn't potty trained. 293 00:24:54,205.4353333 --> 00:24:56,775.4353333 She didn't get potty trained until she was like seven years old. 294 00:24:57,765.4353333 --> 00:25:02,895.4353333 And so I was taking her to every doctor for each like individual thing. 295 00:25:04,125.4353333 --> 00:25:17,580.4363333 And then my best friend's sister in law, who was a teacher, heard about Asperger's and said, Oh my gosh, Jess, I think that Beth's kid has Asperger's. 296 00:25:18,20.4363333 --> 00:25:22,570.4363333 And the internet was kind of new then, where you could like actually look something up. 297 00:25:22,990.4363333 --> 00:25:25,0.4368333 So this is early, early, early 2000s. 298 00:25:26,80.4368333 --> 00:25:29,440.4358333 I looked it up and I just remember bawling my eyes out in relief. 299 00:25:30,170.4358333 --> 00:25:32,400.4358333 Like, wait, I'm not a terrible mother. 300 00:25:33,370.4368333 --> 00:25:43,110.4368333 I didn't create this the things that are, are not ideal in a child, Like people used to say to me, you're just not disciplining him enough. 301 00:25:43,560.4368333 --> 00:25:48,110.4368333 I'm like, I could put this kid in a closet and take away all their toys. 302 00:25:49,370.4368333 --> 00:25:53,840.4368333 And they would walk out of the, for a day, they would walk out of that closet and do the exact same thing again. 303 00:25:54,590.4368333 --> 00:25:59,700.4368333 there's no amount of discipline that's going to the struggles that we're having. 304 00:26:00,140.4368333 --> 00:26:00,580.4368333 Right. 305 00:26:01,20.4368333 --> 00:26:33,125.4368333 And so it was just, It was such a relief, or like, finding out that she has such sensitive touch that she thought we were burning her in the bathtub, even though we knew that it was lukewarm, right? Like, all, all the, all the things, the walking on the tiptoes, the, you know, the super smart, the being able to repeat back, you know, whatever, and like the physical things and the fact that she was overstimulated when she was in the car. 306 00:26:34,660.4368333 --> 00:26:43,330.4368333 That's why she wasn't falling asleep like other babies, and she doesn't have that same connection to physical pain, which is why she was fine with the shots. 307 00:26:43,900.4368333 --> 00:26:58,440.4368333 Like, everything that I, I mean, other than the shots, like, all the things that made me think that I was a terrible mother, all of a sudden it was like, oh, wait a second, you didn't have control over these things. 308 00:26:59,290.4368333 --> 00:27:14,350.4368333 Like, how are you to know that this lukewarm water felt like burning to her? Did you have confusion around, is this because I'm a teenage mom? Is this because I'm young? Were you trying to sort that out? Nope. 309 00:27:14,430.4368333 --> 00:27:16,880.4368333 I, I, a hundred percent. 310 00:27:17,575.4368333 --> 00:27:25,384.9368333 Because I started looking at my family and they, at the very beginning, they I meant, I'm sorry, I meant before you knew. 311 00:27:25,745.4368333 --> 00:27:27,95.4368333 Oh gosh, yeah. 312 00:27:28,255.4368333 --> 00:27:29,95.4368333 Oh yeah. 313 00:27:29,745.4368333 --> 00:27:35,995.4368333 And, and maybe I'm not disciplining her enough and maybe, you know, I did this and I did like everything, everything. 314 00:27:35,995.4368333 --> 00:27:46,525.4368333 Like, why can't I give my kid a bath? Why, why is my kid going? My, I remember sending her to preschool with bibs because she drooled so much. 315 00:27:47,5.4368333 --> 00:27:48,935.4368333 And she just couldn't control it. 316 00:27:49,675.4368333 --> 00:28:05,115.4358333 But it's like, what did I do to not get my child to stop drooling when children stop drooling, you know, what, what did I do like to, did I not read the books, right. 317 00:28:05,115.4368333 --> 00:28:14,785.4368333 On how to potty train, why is it so much easier for everybody around me? And my best friend had a child six months older, like almost to the day, six months older. 318 00:28:15,285.4368333 --> 00:28:17,465.4368333 And so I was watching everything happen. 319 00:28:17,465.4368333 --> 00:28:17,535.4368333 Right. 320 00:28:17,835.4368333 --> 00:28:24,275.4368333 Right ahead of me and it wasn't happening that way when it came to me. 321 00:28:24,275.4368333 --> 00:28:26,885.4368333 So like, of course I'm going to think it's all me. 322 00:28:28,114.9358333 --> 00:28:35,785.4368333 What was your relationship with yourself at that point and your energy and your body and your whole self? Oh gosh. 323 00:28:36,675.4368333 --> 00:28:55,4.9368333 Looking back, looking back, I had, it was kind of that, like, if I could be a skinny then as I, or if I could be a skinny now or as fat now as I thought I was, then Yeah. 324 00:28:55,105.4368333 --> 00:28:55,625.4368333 happy. 325 00:28:56,5.4368333 --> 00:28:57,745.4368333 No, I was really hard on myself. 326 00:28:58,385.4368333 --> 00:28:59,705.4368333 always been really hard on myself. 327 00:28:59,755.4368333 --> 00:29:01,165.4368333 I'm my biggest critic. 328 00:29:02,525.4368333 --> 00:29:05,145.4368333 So even then it was just like, you're not good enough. 329 00:29:05,315.4368333 --> 00:29:12,725.4378333 And you know, the people around me were frustrated because it was not easy raising her. 330 00:29:13,795.4368333 --> 00:29:16,865.4368333 I felt like they were looking at me, like it was my fault. 331 00:29:17,595.4368333 --> 00:29:39,9.9368333 they were looking at me like, well, if you didn't have a kid at 17, We wouldn't be in this situation right now, however much they loved Brooke, it was like, it just, I don't That is a lot to navigate as a 17, 18, 22 year old. 332 00:29:39,570.4368333 --> 00:29:40,230.4368333 know. 333 00:29:40,540.4368333 --> 00:29:43,560.4358333 But I also have always said, I didn't know any different. 334 00:29:44,560.4358333 --> 00:29:51,290.4358333 So when people are like, Oh, you missed your, you know, you missed your teenage years and you missed your twenties and you missed the college days. 335 00:29:51,290.4358333 --> 00:29:54,40.4358333 And I'm like, I didn't miss them because I didn't. 336 00:29:55,245.4368333 --> 00:29:57,375.4368333 Experience them and lose them. 337 00:29:57,405.4368333 --> 00:30:22,919.9358333 Like I, I don't know any different, as I've obviously grown and matured and become more wise, I realized like, yeah, my brain probably wasn't capable of handling all of that at the time, however much I thought that I was doing a great, like I look back and I'm like, I did, I did the best that I could, but then in the next breath, I'm like, I wasn't good enough, you A lot. 338 00:30:23,255.4358333 --> 00:30:26,125.4358333 it's that constant of up and down. 339 00:30:27,209.9358333 --> 00:30:31,855.4358333 So were your 20s very much about mothering? No. 340 00:30:32,15.4358333 --> 00:30:33,345.4358333 Well, yes and no. 341 00:30:34,65.4358333 --> 00:30:43,255.4358333 that's when I got divorced and I had every other weekend free because she would go with her dad. 342 00:30:44,55.4358333 --> 00:31:05,500.4358333 And that was when I could be a 20 something, second she was out of the house, I was like, all right, what, what's going on? Like I had my weekend planned ahead of time for two weeks, right? Like which friends band is playing, where am I going? You know, all, all the things, what am I wearing? Cause that's what like freedom, I guess, felt like. 343 00:31:06,100.4358333 --> 00:31:14,390.4358333 And then I remember in our crowd of friends, there was one other person, he was like five years older than me, he had kids. 344 00:31:15,625.4358333 --> 00:31:18,995.4358333 And he was the only person who understood being a parent. 345 00:31:19,465.4358333 --> 00:31:23,655.4358333 Because here we are with a whole bunch of like, 22, 23, 24 year olds. 346 00:31:24,565.4358333 --> 00:31:34,845.4358333 No one understood like, no, I can't come to the show next weekend because that's my weekend on with my child or I'm really freaking exhausted because I didn't sleep until 11. 347 00:31:34,895.4358333 --> 00:31:44,45.4348333 I woke up when my kid woke up this morning, you know, I know I can't stay over your house and be there until, whatever. 348 00:31:44,75.4348333 --> 00:31:53,85.4348333 Cause I have to get home and then I have to go drive to meet with, my kid's dad, like just so much responsibility that they didn't have. 349 00:31:53,85.5348333 --> 00:31:53,300.3348333 Yeah. 350 00:31:54,700.4348333 --> 00:31:55,410.4348333 was weird. 351 00:31:56,310.4348333 --> 00:32:05,300.4348333 I wasn't jealous of it because I, I, I don't know, maybe just, I just that kid so damn much. 352 00:32:05,860.4348333 --> 00:32:13,600.4358333 And I love being a mom, but it was fun to play the part, every other week. 353 00:32:14,319.9358333 --> 00:32:20,110.4358333 Did you love being a mom from the beginning? That's a great question. 354 00:32:21,29.9358333 --> 00:32:26,949.9358333 I appreciate that you didn't compulsively just say yes, because I think there's a lot of pressure to just say yes, so thank you for that pause. 355 00:32:27,670.4348333 --> 00:32:28,70.4348333 Yeah. 356 00:32:28,560.4358333 --> 00:32:28,800.4353333 Yeah. 357 00:32:28,800.4353333 --> 00:32:30,730.4358333 I think, I, I think I did. 358 00:32:32,200.4358333 --> 00:32:32,940.4358333 I think I did. 359 00:32:34,50.4358333 --> 00:32:39,750.4358333 I mean, there were definitely times where it was more of a struggle than others and particularly with the autism stuff. 360 00:32:40,185.4358333 --> 00:32:48,65.4358333 But I feel like in retrospect, I dealt with it the best way that I actually could have. 361 00:32:50,869.9358333 --> 00:32:57,555.4358333 How much did you have to fight in the early 2000s for resources and support for your kid? Oh, we had no resources. 362 00:32:57,915.4358333 --> 00:33:01,585.4358333 She actually got expelled from first grade. 363 00:33:02,875.4358333 --> 00:33:14,970.9348334 Do you get expelled? Like, what could they possibly expel a first grader for, they were on the playground and one of the kids said, Hey, it would be super funny if you pulled your pants down. 364 00:33:16,95.9358334 --> 00:33:25,995.9358334 And she just took it, you know, literally? literally and said, okay, like, maybe they'll be my friend if I do that, you know, whatever. 365 00:33:27,395.9358334 --> 00:33:32,605.9358334 and that was the last straw of, like, behavioral issue. 366 00:33:33,695.9348334 --> 00:33:35,885.9338334 And that was still pre diagnosis. 367 00:33:37,490.9348334 --> 00:33:55,400.9348334 She was probably diagnosed around second grade, and even then, I had to educate the educators on what Asperger's was and that autism wasn't just what you see in Rain Man. 368 00:33:56,690.9338334 --> 00:33:59,330.9338334 Right? Like, that's all anyone knew of autism was Rain Man. 369 00:34:00,260.9338334 --> 00:34:11,510.9333334 And, so, as she got older and IEPs became necessary, they kept saying, no, we're gonna put her on 504, 504, 504. 370 00:34:11,510.9333334 --> 00:34:19,20.9338334 And I'm like, I'm, I used to go into those meetings, Alex, like, like typical Beth, right? I would go in with color coded binders. 371 00:34:19,800.9338334 --> 00:34:33,810.3338333 For each person at the table, and be like, if you could just turn to page seven, in the pink area, you'll see, Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh, and like, I would copy stuff from the Department of Education, and like, And they're like, wait, she's 25. 372 00:34:33,840.9338334 --> 00:34:39,580.9338334 Right, they would see me come in, and they'd be like, Oh, you know, who's this? Whatever. 373 00:34:39,840.9328334 --> 00:34:41,300.9328334 Cause I also have a baby face. 374 00:34:41,790.9328334 --> 00:34:44,80.9328334 So, that didn't play to my favor. 375 00:34:44,525.9328334 --> 00:34:53,695.9328334 You know, first saw me, but then I would start speaking and I knew what the hell I was talking about and I wasn't taking bullshit for an answer. 376 00:34:54,155.9328334 --> 00:35:08,705.9328334 And I was in those schools constantly don't know, an IEP is an Individualized Education Plan, and they're given much more freely and regularly now than they were, in the early 2000s. 377 00:35:08,715.9328334 --> 00:35:15,955.9318334 So you were a pioneer, I assume, in a public school of trying to get some sort of individualized care plan. 378 00:35:16,895.9318334 --> 00:35:25,855.9328334 What did that do to your identity formation in your 20s? Because that's when we're all finding ourselves, and you're out there like, badass mom. 379 00:35:26,801.4318334 --> 00:35:33,571.4328334 it actually made me want to be an advocate for others because I realized that I was really good at this. 380 00:35:34,886.4328334 --> 00:35:45,561.4328334 I realized that research came easily to me, and organization came easily to me, and I knew that I was kicking ass in that department. 381 00:35:46,591.4328334 --> 00:36:07,391.4328334 You know, I wasn't necessarily getting what I wanted for a while but I was proud of myself and like, however much, her dad and I would argue back then, after being separated, he would sometimes look at me and go, I could never be, I couldn't, I could never do what you've done in terms of, fighting for her like this. 382 00:36:07,971.4328334 --> 00:36:09,411.4328334 And so that was really validating. 383 00:36:09,731.4328334 --> 00:36:15,721.4328334 I definitely still looked to him for validation as my ex husband because he knew me better than anybody. 384 00:36:17,200.9328334 --> 00:36:22,100.9328334 Well, as a projector, cause you mentioned human design earlier, recognition is so important. 385 00:36:22,150.9328334 --> 00:36:26,380.9328334 And it sounds like right off the bat, you got a lot of recognition in that department. 386 00:36:26,390.9328334 --> 00:36:34,470.9328334 Even if you weren't getting yeses, these adults, more adulty than you were like sitting back and being like, Oh, okay. 387 00:36:34,470.9328334 --> 00:36:35,720.9328334 Beth's in the room. 388 00:36:37,146.4328334 --> 00:36:37,416.4328334 Yeah. 389 00:36:38,66.4328334 --> 00:36:38,226.4328334 Yeah. 390 00:36:38,226.4328334 --> 00:36:39,336.4328334 They did not like me. 391 00:36:39,726.4328334 --> 00:36:41,436.5328334 Well, the teachers loved me. 392 00:36:42,496.5328334 --> 00:36:50,206.5328334 It was the higher ups in the education system that they grew to detest me because I was, I was going to cause trouble. 393 00:36:51,831.0328334 --> 00:36:57,956.5328334 Were you working at the time? I was, I started working around when she went to school. 394 00:36:59,506.5328334 --> 00:36:59,876.5328334 Yeah. 395 00:37:00,26.0328334 --> 00:37:07,756.5328334 a bookkeeper or what were you doing? I got a job at a medical billing company. 396 00:37:09,61.5328334 --> 00:37:10,331.5328334 As their file clerk. 397 00:37:10,331.6328334 --> 00:37:14,656.0328334 Of I don't think I even know what that is, but that's because they don't exist anymore. 398 00:37:14,656.0328334 --> 00:37:15,246.0328334 Probably. 399 00:37:15,931.5328334 --> 00:37:16,641.5328334 course not. 400 00:37:16,666.0328334 --> 00:37:16,996.0328334 Yeah. 401 00:37:17,421.5328334 --> 00:37:17,551.5328334 Yeah. 402 00:37:17,771.5328334 --> 00:37:25,61.5328334 They had like, like thousands and thousands and thousands of file folders for like each person, each whatever. 403 00:37:27,291.5318334 --> 00:37:39,966.0328334 the, the, the medical billers would go and they would grab a file and then they would, they would pile up someone has to put them back The lady with the color coded files for the school district seems perfect for this job. 404 00:37:40,541.5328334 --> 00:37:41,541.5328334 exactly. 405 00:37:41,931.5328334 --> 00:37:47,131.5328334 And so I had been there, I think maybe like a month everything was so perfect. 406 00:37:47,151.5328334 --> 00:37:48,741.5328334 Like I redid the whole. 407 00:37:49,476.5328334 --> 00:37:55,76.5328334 The whole thing or reorganized the whole, like it was a file room, like an entire room just dedicated to files. 408 00:37:55,906.5328334 --> 00:38:05,776.5338334 And I remember the owner said to me, he goes, so that's the like best filing system I've ever seen. 409 00:38:06,126.5338334 --> 00:38:07,926.5348334 And now you're done. 410 00:38:07,926.6348334 --> 00:38:12,646.0348334 Do you want to learn how to do medical billing? And I was like, all right, Wow. 411 00:38:13,226.5348334 --> 00:38:14,676.5348334 they taught me medical billing. 412 00:38:14,756.5348334 --> 00:38:17,896.6348334 And within like I don't know, six, 10 months. 413 00:38:17,896.6348334 --> 00:38:21,526.6348334 I was the one that the rest of the staff were going to with questions. 414 00:38:23,166.6348334 --> 00:38:24,516.6348334 So yeah, I'm an overachiever. 415 00:38:26,376.1348334 --> 00:38:33,736.1348334 I think it may be a little more raw operating power than is that? just ambition. 416 00:38:34,366.1348334 --> 00:38:38,386.1348334 So you're crushing it, crushing it as a mom. 417 00:38:38,386.1348334 --> 00:38:39,366.1348334 You're crushing it. 418 00:38:40,6.1348334 --> 00:38:46,306.1348334 As a medical biller, did that surprise you? Or did you feel like, yeah, I'm fucking crushing it. 419 00:38:47,996.6348334 --> 00:38:49,796.6348334 I don't know that I ever actually felt that way. 420 00:38:52,216.6348334 --> 00:39:05,986.6348334 Like I was, I, like I said, I, I've, until a few years ago, I've never felt like I was even close to good enough, so I don't think there, there might've been moments and there might've been things like, yeah, I know I'm good at this thing. 421 00:39:07,26.6348334 --> 00:39:07,296.6348334 Right. 422 00:39:07,296.6348334 --> 00:39:15,796.6348334 But it didn't, it didn't with me as a person and as my own worth and as my own value, if that makes sense. 423 00:39:16,586.1348334 --> 00:39:17,546.1348334 It does make sense. 424 00:39:17,546.1348334 --> 00:39:18,436.1348334 It must've been hard. 425 00:39:19,596.6348334 --> 00:39:20,146.6348334 Yeah. 426 00:39:21,456.1348334 --> 00:39:46,766.6328334 How did you move through life with that? Can you talk about getting from not having that self worth to where you are now? I think, I think a lot of it has to do with an external factor, which is my unicorn of a husband age wisdom. 427 00:39:47,546.6328334 --> 00:39:50,256.6328334 I went through a lot of shit in my thirties. 428 00:39:51,686.6328334 --> 00:40:14,541.6338334 And by my late thirties, Was when I met Randy and I had already started my business, but when I met Randy, I moved from Massachusetts to New Hampshire and at the time, everything was in person, like you couldn't do virtual bookkeeping. 429 00:40:15,191.6328334 --> 00:40:21,661.6338334 And so I had to leave all my clients behind and start fresh in New Hampshire, which was really, really hard. 430 00:40:22,111.6338334 --> 00:40:26,461.6328334 I thought I would have it down because I had such a good situation going in, in Massachusetts. 431 00:40:27,341.6338334 --> 00:40:37,351.6338334 It, And he supported me so hard, like on the days that I was like, this is, I'm just, I have to go back to work. 432 00:40:37,351.6338334 --> 00:40:38,211.6338334 I can't do this. 433 00:40:38,411.6328334 --> 00:40:40,151.6328334 I have to go get a job somewhere. 434 00:40:40,531.6328334 --> 00:40:42,921.6328334 He was just so supportive. 435 00:40:42,921.6328334 --> 00:40:46,181.6328334 And so like, no, no, no, you need to be a business owner. 436 00:40:46,181.6328334 --> 00:40:47,491.6328334 Like that's who you are. 437 00:40:47,811.6318334 --> 00:40:48,851.6318334 That's your energy. 438 00:40:48,951.6318334 --> 00:40:50,61.6318334 that's what you need to be. 439 00:40:50,611.6328334 --> 00:40:54,861.6328334 And I will support you someday you retire me. 440 00:40:57,881.6328334 --> 00:41:04,561.6328334 It was just like a, I don't know, it was, it was the faith in me that only my mom had ever had. 441 00:41:05,761.6328334 --> 00:41:06,391.6328334 Now I'm going to cry. 442 00:41:07,201.6328334 --> 00:41:17,941.6328334 So however much I don't want to put my own self worth on someone else, I think it had a huge part to do with getting here. 443 00:41:19,416.1328334 --> 00:41:22,131.6328334 Yeah, he saw you, he did. 444 00:41:22,371.6328334 --> 00:41:22,711.6328334 He did. 445 00:41:22,711.6328334 --> 00:41:31,211.6328334 He, and he, knew how much he would see me on calls with. 446 00:41:31,551.6328334 --> 00:41:50,91.6318334 Social security and he would see me like scanning all the papers and like, cause still, you know, once they're out of school, then now you have to deal with the state and you've got to deal with disability and you know, you've got to deal with federal SSI it's like a part time job, which they can't do themselves. 447 00:41:51,351.6318334 --> 00:42:07,286.6328334 So you, So he would sit there and watch and be like, I literally don't know anyone else who would that far and fight that hard the way that you do and like, keep it together. 448 00:42:09,626.6328334 --> 00:42:20,766.6328334 And I felt, I just remember feeling like, like it was the first time as a parent that I felt like, yeah, yeah, I didn't fuck that up too hard. 449 00:42:22,166.6328334 --> 00:42:23,916.6328334 Like I am, I am pretty good. 450 00:42:25,446.6328334 --> 00:42:36,406.6328334 And then, you know, the business grew and I sort of started becoming like the cool kid in these circles of networking people and whatever. 451 00:42:37,246.6318334 --> 00:42:41,606.6328334 And I remember having like a Sally Fields moment of like, like me. 452 00:42:41,606.6328334 --> 00:42:45,126.6328334 They really like me and because I was always a nerd too. 453 00:42:45,126.6328334 --> 00:42:53,236.6328334 I mean, we didn't bring that up, but I was always like the geeky, you know what's the word? Teacher's pet and all that kind of stuff. 454 00:42:54,36.6328334 --> 00:42:58,736.6318334 Chubby wearing glasses always looked funny, wore crazy earrings as a kid before it was cool. 455 00:43:01,16.6328334 --> 00:43:01,716.6328334 and. 456 00:43:02,706.6328334 --> 00:43:07,876.6328334 all of a sudden, like, I've got all the drama in my world had stopped. 457 00:43:09,286.6328334 --> 00:43:10,786.6328334 There was, there was a lot of death. 458 00:43:10,826.6328334 --> 00:43:12,286.6328334 There was a lot of things. 459 00:43:12,286.6328334 --> 00:43:13,936.6328334 There was a lot of crazy stuff. 460 00:43:14,246.1328334 --> 00:43:17,866.1318334 Yeah, what happened in your thirties, because you mentioned that as part of this transition. 461 00:43:18,106.6328334 --> 00:43:19,96.6328334 yeah, yeah. 462 00:43:19,96.6328334 --> 00:43:21,506.6318334 Well, my, my best friend committed suicide. 463 00:43:21,986.1318334 --> 00:43:22,626.1318334 Oh, wow. 464 00:43:23,76.1328333 --> 00:43:23,546.1328333 I'm so sorry. 465 00:43:23,626.6328334 --> 00:43:24,796.6328334 last person she called. 466 00:43:25,276.6328334 --> 00:43:26,196.6328334 And I missed the call. 467 00:43:27,756.6328334 --> 00:43:29,206.6328334 So I will live with that forever. 468 00:43:30,346.6328334 --> 00:43:32,796.6328334 All within the course of like five years. 469 00:43:33,956.6328334 --> 00:43:43,596.6328334 My ex husband's mother and grandmother were murdered in cold blood by his brother. 470 00:43:44,346.1318333 --> 00:43:44,716.1318334 Whoa. 471 00:43:45,376.6328334 --> 00:43:51,426.6318334 So my daughter's uncle murdered my daughter's grandmother and great grandmother. 472 00:43:52,226.1328333 --> 00:43:52,706.1328333 Wow. 473 00:43:52,796.1318333 --> 00:44:04,246.1328333 Oh, yeah, it was all over the news, everywhere, their pictures, their names, like Grammy, there's Grammy, like on my gosh. 474 00:44:05,91.6328334 --> 00:44:09,701.6328334 There was like, I don't even know. 475 00:44:09,731.6328334 --> 00:44:18,821.6328334 There was just, there was the point that the people around me were like, if I didn't actually see all of these things happen with you. 476 00:44:19,281.6328334 --> 00:44:38,461.6318334 I wouldn't believe that it was possible to go through that many traumas like in a row, you know, like if I wasn't actually like, if you were telling me this and I didn't see the things happen, see the news myself, read the reports, like all the things that were happening, they were like, I would never believe it. 477 00:44:39,391.6328334 --> 00:44:41,271.6328334 And they, they used to say how strong I was. 478 00:44:41,301.6328334 --> 00:44:43,161.6328334 And I was like, I don't have a choice. 479 00:44:43,891.6328334 --> 00:44:50,906.6328334 I think that's what sort of got me through my twenties and my thirties was I don't, it doesn't matter how fucked up things are. 480 00:44:50,906.6328334 --> 00:44:59,546.6318334 It doesn't matter like how young I am, that I can't handle this or that all this trauma is happening or what, like, I'm here to take care of Brooke. 481 00:45:01,636.6328334 --> 00:45:02,516.6328334 End of story. 482 00:45:03,91.6328334 --> 00:45:08,301.6328334 So that got me through all that stuff. 483 00:45:09,541.6328334 --> 00:45:12,466.7661667 And then, you Okay. 484 00:45:12,466.7661667 --> 00:45:14,722.2995 Okay. 485 00:45:14,722.2995 --> 00:45:16,977.8328333 Okay. 486 00:45:16,977.8328333 --> 00:45:19,233.3661667 Okay. 487 00:45:19,233.3661667 --> 00:45:21,488.8995 Okay. 488 00:45:21,488.8995 --> 00:45:23,744.4328333 Okay. 489 00:45:23,744.4328333 --> 00:45:25,999.9661667 Okay. 490 00:45:25,999.9661667 --> 00:45:28,255.4995 Okay. 491 00:45:28,255.4995 --> 00:45:30,511.0328333 Okay. 492 00:45:33,216.6328334 --> 00:45:33,886.6328334 I don't know. 493 00:45:34,136.6328334 --> 00:45:39,86.6328334 By the time I got to my late 30s and my 40s and I've got Randy here, like, none of those things are happening anymore. 494 00:45:39,836.6328334 --> 00:45:49,586.6328334 the people that are, are dying in our lives, however awful this sounds, like, they're sick for a long time or they're older and like, it makes sense. 495 00:45:49,596.6318334 --> 00:46:00,6.6328334 Like, it's not like a traumatic loss, you know? Not to make, not, not, not that loss is easy, in any situation, but having been through a traumatic loss. 496 00:46:01,551.6328334 --> 00:46:03,701.6328334 very different ballgame. 497 00:46:04,551.6328334 --> 00:46:19,381.6318334 So I think I've just, I don't know, I've gotten have gotten easy in my life and with all that and like getting popular and, building this business where I get referrals day. 498 00:46:21,681.6328334 --> 00:46:46,166.6328334 it's just been like, Okay, this was all worth it, you know, and then I look at my daughter who is now,, learning to thrive in her new transgender world and the fact that we can be so open about it and so supportive, of her situation and The fact that she, she lives on her own. 499 00:46:46,516.6328334 --> 00:46:50,446.6328334 My husband and I bought her a condo and five minutes down the street. 500 00:46:51,196.6328334 --> 00:46:54,546.6318334 So she can learn to live independently, but still be five minutes away. 501 00:46:55,606.6318334 --> 00:46:56,671.1328333 So I don't, Okay. 502 00:46:57,6.6328334 --> 00:46:59,266.6318334 about her the way that I used to worry about her. 503 00:47:00,826.6328334 --> 00:47:09,586.6328334 And I think that everything just kind of came together, know? And, and with that came my confidence. 504 00:47:11,21.6328334 --> 00:47:14,411.6328334 I think I used to have pretend confidence and now I have real confidence. 505 00:47:16,336.1328333 --> 00:47:24,626.1328333 Can you talk about your early days as a business owner? So it sounds like you dabbled in business ownership and wanted to bail. 506 00:47:25,496.1318333 --> 00:47:27,836.1318333 And then your now husband was like, absolutely not. 507 00:47:28,326.1318333 --> 00:47:35,116.1318333 I think that I encountered you when you were just starting to scale, like just at the very beginning. 508 00:47:35,606.1318333 --> 00:47:39,246.1318333 And I'm, I'm just curious with all this going on. 509 00:47:40,41.1318333 --> 00:47:53,821.6318334 How did entrepreneurship play into your whole identity? There's, there's always been a couple of things that I was okay with myself about. 510 00:47:55,11.6318334 --> 00:48:03,411.6318334 And I've always known that I'm at whatever I do, like whatever I put my mind to, like, I'm going to be, I'm, I'm good at it. 511 00:48:04,191.6318334 --> 00:48:09,791.6318334 And so I knew, I knew I was a good bookkeeper. 512 00:48:11,121.6318334 --> 00:48:19,321.6313334 And so I felt very comfortable Going into that entrepreneurial place of like, of being the, the doer. 513 00:48:20,931.6313334 --> 00:48:26,711.6313334 I literally didn't even consider what it was like being a business owner, because I didn't think about it being a business owner. 514 00:48:26,721.6303334 --> 00:48:29,811.6313334 Like it started with, I'm going to be an outsourced bookkeeper. 515 00:48:30,231.6303334 --> 00:48:31,611.6308334 I'm going to just work for myself. 516 00:48:31,611.6308334 --> 00:48:33,761.6313334 I'm going to be a consultant who does bookkeeping. 517 00:48:34,411.6303334 --> 00:48:37,271.5313334 And then it just, it kind of grew on its own. 518 00:48:37,471.5313334 --> 00:48:44,341.5313334 And throughout that process, like all of a sudden I felt like one day I looked back and I was like, wait a second, we just made a hundred thousand dollars. 519 00:48:44,826.5313334 --> 00:48:46,846.5313334 Like is a real business. 520 00:48:47,196.5313334 --> 00:49:01,486.5313334 Like, and we, like I had someone working for me, Don has been with me for six years now, I just remember looking at her, like, I pay you and we're making six figures now. 521 00:49:02,606.5313334 --> 00:49:07,396.5323334 which like at the time I thought was just beyond comprehension. 522 00:49:07,396.6323334 --> 00:49:09,456.5313334 Cause of course, like I grew up poor too. 523 00:49:09,746.5313334 --> 00:49:13,336.5313334 So that wasn't like, it wasn't normal to make a hundred thousand dollars. 524 00:49:15,246.5313334 --> 00:49:28,806.5313334 And yeah, so it was definitely like the roller coaster that everybody talks about being a business owner is but it was also, it continued to be validating as, as I was able to be more, be myself. 525 00:49:29,186.5313334 --> 00:49:32,676.5313334 Like, I think at the very beginning, I felt like I needed to be this put together. 526 00:49:33,111.5313334 --> 00:49:38,621.5313334 You know, regular colored hair, like normal kind of looking person. 527 00:49:38,976.0313333 --> 00:49:41,506.0313333 If you're listening, Beth has very, very pink hair. 528 00:49:42,881.5313334 --> 00:49:47,461.5323334 And lots of tattoos and, you know, crazy earrings and whatever. 529 00:49:47,821.5313334 --> 00:49:52,261.5303334 At the beginning I thought I had to cover them up, cover up my tattoos for, for discovery calls. 530 00:49:53,736.5313334 --> 00:49:55,936.5313334 I thought I had to fit into a mold. 531 00:49:56,296.5313334 --> 00:49:59,416.5313334 And as I started realizing they like me, they really liked me. 532 00:49:59,416.5313334 --> 00:50:01,56.5313334 Like my clients as well. 533 00:50:01,506.5313334 --> 00:50:03,986.5313334 I was like, you know what? Screw it. 534 00:50:04,106.5313334 --> 00:50:05,506.5313334 I can totally be myself. 535 00:50:05,806.5313334 --> 00:50:08,756.5303334 Like, and if they don't like it, I made a hundred thousand dollars. 536 00:50:08,986.5303334 --> 00:50:10,436.5303334 So too bad. 537 00:50:10,536.5323334 --> 00:50:12,426.5303334 Like no big deal. 538 00:50:12,956.0313333 --> 00:50:23,126.5303334 Like when that, I know that feeling that a hundred thousand, that first hundred thousand, when you're like, this business is crazy, Yeah. 539 00:50:23,446.5303334 --> 00:50:25,56.5313334 So I, I, I don't know. 540 00:50:25,56.5313334 --> 00:50:35,416.5313334 I, I think I just, Got comfortable in a good way, not like in a complacent way, but just in a good way. 541 00:50:35,416.5313334 --> 00:50:44,996.5303334 I got, I got cozy and, it's still a roller coaster even, years in and, and I'm on the cusp of. 542 00:50:45,591.5313334 --> 00:50:46,661.5313334 seven figures. 543 00:50:50,501.5313334 --> 00:50:59,381.5313334 but it doesn't, like, the seven figures doesn't feel as exciting as the six figures It's just like, okay, like, that's just, it's just an arbitrary number. 544 00:51:00,846.0313333 --> 00:51:01,466.0303333 I get that. 545 00:51:01,716.0313333 --> 00:51:06,926.0313333 I actually think I was more shocked the first hundred thousand than when I hit a million. 546 00:51:07,951.5313334 --> 00:51:10,701.5323334 you make that first hundred thousand, then you're like, oh, I can do this. 547 00:51:11,801.5313334 --> 00:51:15,601.5313334 And once you start scaling, you're like, oh, well, that's easy. 548 00:51:15,611.5313334 --> 00:51:17,21.5313334 I just do that again. 549 00:51:17,351.5313334 --> 00:51:19,551.5313334 And it just kind of feels easy. 550 00:51:20,241.0313333 --> 00:51:28,511.0313333 I think that's beautiful inspiration for people listening because it's not easy, but you have definitely made it look easy in your growth. 551 00:51:29,71.0313333 --> 00:51:36,831.0313333 And I do want to circle way back because I understand now why your body gave up producing stress hormones. 552 00:51:38,541.5313334 --> 00:51:38,971.5313334 Yeah. 553 00:51:39,671.0303333 --> 00:51:40,51.0303333 Yeah. 554 00:51:40,51.0313333 --> 00:51:52,111.0313333 I mean, this is like a wild story of intensity that in many ways you tell very softly, like, and I imagine that living it. 555 00:51:52,736.0313333 --> 00:52:01,446.0313333 Was less soft, but maybe you normalized to that level of intensity until your body was just like she's not gonna listen to the Alarm bells. 556 00:52:01,446.0313333 --> 00:52:07,316.5313334 So let's turn the alarm off so we don't have to do it anymore Yeah, yeah. 557 00:52:08,96.0313333 --> 00:52:24,956.5303334 So you produce no cortisol What else is going on with your your health and your relationship to your body and its rest cues now? Mm hmm So interestingly enough, if you're watching the video or if people are watching the video, they saw my, my scars. 558 00:52:25,616.5303334 --> 00:52:42,576.5303334 So I've had plastic surgery a couple of times in the last couple of years and however much in my twenties and thirties I wished that I could have gotten the lipo or the boob job or the whatever, the tummy tuck, couldn't afford it. 559 00:52:42,941.5303334 --> 00:52:43,731.5303334 Back then. 560 00:52:44,71.5303334 --> 00:52:47,661.5303334 And obviously like any money I had was going toward raising a child. 561 00:52:48,61.5303334 --> 00:53:00,351.5303334 The fact that I had it done at a point in my life where I was the most confident and most comfortable with myself that I have ever been, I think was so important. 562 00:53:01,111.5303334 --> 00:53:09,21.5293334 If I had gone in to have plastic surgery my twenties or thirties, it would have been because I was looking for that confidence. 563 00:53:09,791.5303334 --> 00:53:20,551.5303334 I was looking to feel good about myself, but waiting until my forties where I already felt that way, this is just, Oh, well, I can afford it. 564 00:53:20,551.5303334 --> 00:53:21,411.5303334 And I've always wanted it. 565 00:53:21,421.5303334 --> 00:53:21,921.5303334 So cool. 566 00:53:21,931.5303334 --> 00:53:22,481.5293334 Let's do it. 567 00:53:23,71.5293334 --> 00:53:30,361.5303334 Like it was way less of an emotional decision, you know, because I didn't need that validation. 568 00:53:31,871.5303334 --> 00:53:40,72.0303334 Are you happy you did it? I am,, I had the baby belly since I was 17 years old and the women in my family have the apron belly. 569 00:53:42,377.0303334 --> 00:53:50,627.0303334 Even though my husband fell in love with me when I had the apron belly and loved everything about me while I had it, I was sick of it. 570 00:53:51,537.0293334 --> 00:53:53,17.0303334 I was sick of looking at it. 571 00:53:53,797.0298334 --> 00:53:57,657.0303334 I was like, I had this since I was 17 years old. 572 00:53:57,867.0293334 --> 00:54:09,102.0303334 I don't know what it feels like to go put a bikini on and not have your hanging over it, right? Like, I don't know what that feels like. 573 00:54:09,122.0303334 --> 00:54:12,412.0303334 I, I didn't have a life prior to pregnancy. 574 00:54:12,412.1303334 --> 00:54:16,282.0303334 So yeah, I'm glad I did it. 575 00:54:17,841.5303334 --> 00:54:43,362.0313334 Are you getting that life now? Because it's so interesting to hear how much you sped up life and like, life came at you really fast for a really long time and I'm imagining you in this moment where you have resources and you have space and you're starting to move towards health being like, is this what other people feel like at 24? I don't know because I don't want to leave my house ever. 576 00:54:44,247.0313334 --> 00:54:51,511.5313334 Like I'm such a homebody now, which is funny because it's like, I can go out whenever I want to now, Yes you can, Beth. 577 00:54:51,731.5313334 --> 00:54:51,751.5313334 Yeah. 578 00:54:52,117.0313334 --> 00:54:55,507.0303334 grown and I have the money I can afford it. 579 00:54:55,817.0313334 --> 00:54:57,897.0313334 We, we just, we love being at home. 580 00:54:57,907.0313334 --> 00:55:01,857.0303334 We have like our little compound here we've got our hot tub. 581 00:55:01,877.0313334 --> 00:55:04,197.0313334 We've got our pool in the summertime and. 582 00:55:05,57.0313334 --> 00:55:13,47.0313334 can spend 24 7 together and not get sick of each other, which we learned through COVID when he started working from home. 583 00:55:13,47.0313334 --> 00:55:16,577.0303334 And we're literally in the same office all day, every day. 584 00:55:17,357.0313334 --> 00:55:22,167.0313334 We don't a little bit get annoyed with each other, sick of each other, anything. 585 00:55:23,747.0303334 --> 00:55:27,885.9943334 and so yeah, like I have all this quote freedom now that I was looking for in my 20s. 586 00:55:28,612.0313334 --> 00:55:29,952.0313334 But I don't want to do anything with it. 587 00:55:29,952.0313334 --> 00:55:30,802.0313334 I'm like, I'm good. 588 00:55:33,66.5313334 --> 00:55:49,706.5318334 Your story touches on so many pieces that I think a lot of people will find healing to listen to someone move through because you tap into all that emotion so clearly, but then you're also this very whole person on the other end. 589 00:55:50,412.0318334 --> 00:55:51,272.0318334 I feel whole. 590 00:55:51,272.0318334 --> 00:55:55,197.0318334 I feel like I've You know, come around. 591 00:55:56,887.0318334 --> 00:56:14,307.0308334 I feel, I don't know when I, when I, when I learned about like tapping, for example, or things that are like things that are trauma based, I'm like, I don't, I don't know that I need to go back. 592 00:56:15,457.0318334 --> 00:56:18,707.0318334 Like, I feel like I, I feel whole. 593 00:56:18,707.0318334 --> 00:56:22,517.0318334 I don't feel like there's these things that are impacting me every day. 594 00:56:22,887.0318334 --> 00:56:30,207.0308334 From my past, I feel for the first time, I think in my life, I don't feel kind of messed up in my head. 595 00:56:30,207.0318334 --> 00:56:35,537.0308334 I feel just, Oh, this is what unquote normal people feel. 596 00:56:36,726.5318334 --> 00:56:41,677.0318334 Did you do therapy to get there or what did you do? Oh, I do lots of therapy for sure. 597 00:56:42,777.0318334 --> 00:56:46,887.0318334 But I actually haven't really been in therapy since I met Randy. 598 00:56:47,892.0318334 --> 00:56:56,592.0318334 I think it's the success of my business and having amazing people around me, know, like part of, part of being able to be myself in business, right. 599 00:56:56,592.0318334 --> 00:57:05,672.0308334 And, have the pink hair and show me tattoos and whatever is that I'm attracting people that I actually want to work with, like you, right. 600 00:57:05,682.0308334 --> 00:57:13,102.0318334 Like my clients become my friends and I'm at a point where I don't want to bring on a client that I wouldn't want to go grab a drink with. 601 00:57:14,422.0318334 --> 00:57:18,402.0318334 Like you and I text about stuff. 602 00:57:18,762.0318334 --> 00:57:21,62.0318334 Like, your bookkeeper. 603 00:57:21,62.1318334 --> 00:57:24,956.5318334 Like, you And you're not even I'm my bookkeeper. 604 00:57:24,956.5318334 --> 00:57:30,622.0318334 You're my bookkeeper's boss So yeah, it's it's interesting. 605 00:57:31,366.5318334 --> 00:57:31,696.5318334 Hmm. 606 00:57:31,906.5318334 --> 00:57:32,446.5318334 I love it. 607 00:57:32,446.5318334 --> 00:57:43,286.5318334 Thank you so much for sharing some of that really hard stuff and some of that really triumphant stuff and kind of, you can't really tell which is which because it's also powerful. 608 00:57:43,676.5318334 --> 00:58:03,892.0318334 I always ask this at the end, and now I have 10 answers that I could think of for you, but how are you changing the world? What's your impact? I thought it was going to be with my book. 609 00:58:04,587.0318334 --> 00:58:10,827.0318334 Bookkeeper training courses, teaching people that you don't have to be miserable in a job. 610 00:58:11,717.0318334 --> 00:58:17,917.0318334 That you can do something that you love and even work for somebody else in a good situation and be happy. 611 00:58:18,747.0318334 --> 00:58:19,977.0318334 That's what I thought that it was. 612 00:58:20,832.0318334 --> 00:58:21,662.0318334 I don't know now. 613 00:58:21,662.0318334 --> 00:58:23,672.0318334 I can't, I, I have no idea. 614 00:58:24,256.5318334 --> 00:58:25,102.0318334 What changed? that. 615 00:58:26,176.5318334 --> 00:58:42,332.0318334 Why did that stop being it? because I started kind of, I started feeling like I needed to put my focus on my primary bookkeeping business instead of on the education piece. 616 00:58:43,142.0318334 --> 00:58:55,202.0328334 I think because I got overwhelmed and I think because I realized that I don't need to be constantly throwing a new challenge on myself purpose. 617 00:58:56,856.5328334 --> 00:58:57,676.5328334 I'm confused. 618 00:58:57,816.5328334 --> 00:58:58,546.5328334 Keep going. 619 00:59:00,807.0328334 --> 00:59:04,967.0328334 you know, like why this, this thing is great. 620 00:59:05,167.0328334 --> 00:59:06,607.0328334 My bookkeeping business is great. 621 00:59:06,677.0328334 --> 00:59:07,477.0328334 It's awesome. 622 00:59:07,717.0328334 --> 00:59:07,937.0328334 Yeah. 623 00:59:07,937.0328334 --> 00:59:10,97.0328334 You need to listen to this, Alex. 624 00:59:11,627.0328334 --> 00:59:13,857.0328334 My bookkeeping business is going beautifully. 625 00:59:13,977.0328334 --> 00:59:14,997.0328334 My clients are happy. 626 00:59:14,997.0328334 --> 00:59:16,777.0328334 My staff love their jobs. 627 00:59:17,157.0328334 --> 00:59:18,877.0328334 Like everything's great. 628 00:59:20,17.0328334 --> 00:59:25,307.0328334 So, okay, now let me go start this other thing and like focus on my energy there. 629 00:59:25,327.0328334 --> 00:59:32,257.0328334 And you know, whatever, that's going to be a stressful, that's going to be really stressful. 630 00:59:32,267.0318334 --> 00:59:33,647.0318334 Like I'm going to have to market that. 631 00:59:33,687.0318334 --> 00:59:37,547.0318334 I'm going to have to, you know, hire people to do that kind of stuff. 632 00:59:37,597.0318334 --> 00:59:43,177.0318334 Like, no, Beth, just fucking calm down. 633 00:59:44,102.0328334 --> 00:59:54,392.0318334 content where you're at for five minutes and let yourself rest in comfort, right? Let yourself be in this place that just works. 634 00:59:55,836.5328334 --> 01:00:00,696.5328334 What do you think it took to get you, that was supposed to be my last question, but then you busted this out. 635 01:00:00,966.5328334 --> 01:00:13,412.0328334 What do you think it takes or it took to get to the place where you could give yourself that permission? I'm not 100 percent there yet to be honest. 636 01:00:14,602.0328334 --> 01:00:18,702.0328334 But it was, it was having the people close to me talk to me. 637 01:00:19,662.0318334 --> 01:00:27,462.0328334 I have a friend so I, I'm in a mastermind everyone, every business owner should be in a mastermind. 638 01:00:27,612.0328334 --> 01:00:32,332.0328334 I think it's so powerful if you find the right group and the right people. 639 01:00:32,962.0328334 --> 01:00:42,572.0318334 And it was something that one of the people in my mastermind said to me over a year ago, he was giving a talk about, you know, your business. 640 01:00:42,572.0328334 --> 01:01:01,842.0328334 And I don't even remember the details, but I remember I asked a question and I was like, What if I, Oh, it was like filling out a form of like, what's wrong in your business right now? like, what if there's not really anything wrong? And he was like, then rejoice. 641 01:01:01,922.0328334 --> 01:01:09,752.0318334 I mean, like, what are you asking? You know? And I didn't get it. 642 01:01:09,832.0318334 --> 01:01:10,822.0328334 Like it didn't click. 643 01:01:10,852.0328334 --> 01:01:13,672.0328334 And at some point in the last few months, it clicked. 644 01:01:13,872.0328334 --> 01:01:21,667.0328334 And I was like, Oh, oh, oh, that's what that means. 645 01:01:22,37.0328334 --> 01:01:30,457.0318334 I can just be happy with what I have and enjoy that you know, ruffling any feathers. 646 01:01:33,327.0328334 --> 01:01:38,976.5328334 Yeah, yeah, Well, you'll have to keep me posted on how this fascinating experiment goes. 647 01:01:38,976.5328334 --> 01:01:40,126.5318334 It sounds like it's new. 648 01:01:40,686.5328334 --> 01:01:43,456.5318334 Thank you so much for taking me all over your life. 649 01:01:43,456.5318334 --> 01:01:48,176.5328334 I know we do get to chat a lot and never about this stuff. 650 01:01:48,176.5328334 --> 01:01:50,456.5328334 So it has been really a pleasure. 651 01:01:50,456.5328334 --> 01:01:54,6.4328334 And I think you brought so much value to the world. 652 01:01:54,766.5328334 --> 01:01:55,996.5328334 Really the whole conversation. 653 01:01:55,996.5328334 --> 01:02:00,486.5328334 I can't wait for people to hear it so they can find you. 654 01:02:00,506.5328334 --> 01:02:04,186.5328334 I'll throw it in the show notes, but they can find you Instagram website. 655 01:02:05,17.0328334 --> 01:02:08,56.9328334 Yeah Instagram is thebadass. 656 01:02:08,116.9328334 --> 01:02:11,806.9328334 bookkeeper, and the website is bbabookkeeping. 657 01:02:12,866.9328334 --> 01:02:13,386.9328334 com. 658 01:02:14,976.4328334 --> 01:02:30,941.4328334 Beth's team has been honestly a huge gift in my life because I don't think that I could have Do what I love to do and scale and have new ideas and throw things at it without a really agile team That's so incredibly supportive. 659 01:02:30,941.4328334 --> 01:02:48,706.9328334 So Public major shout out to you and your team because you built something That doesn't just let your bookkeepers live their best life or you live their best life But literally i'm living the life that I want to live because I don't have to stress about numbers, so i'm a i'm a cry again. 660 01:02:48,796.9328334 --> 01:02:52,836.9328334 Mm I well i'm such an advertisement because hmm. 661 01:02:53,171.4328334 --> 01:03:13,826.3328334 something that's ha, for me to convey to my business clients, those who are starting or scaling a business is why sometimes paying more allows for more growth and more peace and hiring you before I was ready to hire you. 662 01:03:14,356.4328334 --> 01:03:20,726.4328334 Was instrumental in the rapid growth from zero to seven figures of my last company. 663 01:03:21,76.4328334 --> 01:03:36,266.4328334 And then it allows me to be so bold that when I want to burn it all down, I know that a, I'm not going to break any laws and B you're going to know exactly what my numbers are for me to check in with whenever I need to. 664 01:03:36,266.4328334 --> 01:03:39,856.4328334 So yeah, that's a, I don't usually do a end of. 665 01:03:39,996.5328334 --> 01:03:54,276.4328334 Podcast summations like that, but I do think it's really, really worth talking about a profession that I think is monumental for those of us who are looking for financial independence and just independence in general in our lives. 666 01:03:54,576.4328334 --> 01:03:55,796.4328334 You give that to people. 667 01:03:56,6.4328334 --> 01:03:56,706.4328334 So thank you. 668 01:03:56,766.9318334 --> 01:03:58,796.9328334 you, thank you, Alex. 669 01:04:00,506.4338334 --> 01:04:01,136.4328334 All right. 670 01:04:01,766.4328334 --> 01:04:02,626.4328334 Until next time. 671 01:04:14,320.8703334 --> 01:04:15,130.8703334 Thanks for listening. 672 01:04:15,310.8703334 --> 01:04:21,700.8703334 If you enjoyed this episode, please remember to like and subscribe, and if you know someone who might find value in what you've heard, please share.

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