April 25, 2024 • 24 mins
Welcome to a raw and engaging episode of That Other Lifestyle podcast! This is your chance to peer into the not-so-glamorous realities of swinger lifestyle. Join our bold host, Jason, as he unveils the good, bad, and downright peculiar aspects of this unorthodox lifestyle. This episode navigates the intricate nature of introducing fresh faces into relationships or even the bedroom while unmasking hidden lifestyle challenges.
The discussions extend from revealing the deceptively expensive elements of swinging, the considerable amount of time needed to pursue this lifestyle, to handling kinks-amid-'kid-time' interruptions. Jason openly talks about the challenges of managing his normal and swinging lifestyles, while encountering overprotective relatives perplexed by his lifestyle choices.
This episode provides an eye-opening examination of the dark corners of the swinger lifestyle but also equips you with some handy solutions to tackle such pitfalls. All this garnished with spicy side talks, occasional strong language, and above all, honest reflections from a seasoned swinger.
Unravel the intricacies of swinging with yet another revealing episode as it uncovers the complexity of maintaining relationships within and beyond the swinger community. We dig deeper into the harsh realities of dealing with drama, clique dynamics, geographical constraints, transient dating patterns, and the rather sobering fact of sexually transmitted infections as potential swinging obstacles.
Amid all these, the lifestyle encourages personal growth and prompts positive lifestyle changes, especially in terms of physical health and grooming, accentuated by the importance of initial attractions within the swinger community.
Moreover, we also delve into the realm of communication and how the lifestyle necessitates adapting to a unique way of expressing oneself. Not ignoring the potential health risks, the episode underscores the importance of regular testing and safe sex practices, notwithstanding some level of denial within the community.
In conclusion, the episode weaves through various aspects of the swinger lifestyle, reflecting on disagreements between couples over their exploration pace and swinging partners, emphasizing the need for empathy and understanding. Despite the hurdles, the journey ends with Jason cherishing the joy, connections, and great sex that the swinger lifestyle has brought to his life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
Good evening. Wherever you may be, I hope you have blue skies and nudes.
Welcome to that other lifestyle podcast.
I am your host, Jason, and we talk about the good, the bad, the ugly,
and the weird sides of this wild lifestyle.
To balance out the universe, today I am sharing a sampling of the downsides of the lifestyle.
This is not an all-inclusive list
either. I am sure there are quirks and situations I am not thinking of.
(00:28):
I will sing the praises of the lifestyle and be the best advocate of swinging
that I can be, but I want to be honest.
If anyone one is thinking about this hobby, thinking about introducing another
person into their relationship or bedroom, I want them to be equipped to deal
with the good and the bad. And oh, there are some weird downsides.
Subscribe to the podcast wherever you may be listening. The show is also available
on YouTube and FullSwapRadio.com.
(00:51):
Thinking about dipping your toes in? You can find a link to sign up for SDC
on my website, ThatOtherLifestyle.com.
Please note this podcast is intended for adults only. It is not safe for work.
We will talk about adult or sexual topics and I will use salty language often.
This content is for entertainment purposes only, and again, only for those over 18 years of age.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can.
(01:11):
It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance.
For simplicity sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife
or partner or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I'm sharing.
This podcast is for everyone, though. No matter your background,
gender identity, gender expression, whatever truth you may be living, everyone is welcome.
Welcome today we are discussing the downsides of the
lifestyle what there's downsides downsides being
(01:35):
shitty situations or scenarios or just annoyances people deal
with in the lifestyle but people always talk about the positives and how wonderful
this hobby is there are blogs and articles that list out 5 or 20 or 50 pros
and positives of the lifestyle how it helped people own their sexuality or meet
great friends or have sexy adventures
that is very true there are a lot of positives in the lifestyle.
(01:56):
But I would be a bad podcaster host guy if I did not share the other side,
the downsides of the lifestyle.
Good news though, I can offer advice on how to mitigate the downsides,
navigate the possible negative aspects, and hopefully show you how even in negatives
there is a positive waiting to be found.
When we started this hobby, we thought it was fairly simple.
Meet a couple, chat, bang it out, move on.
(02:17):
Oh simple naive Jason, I had no idea how complicated this hobby can be.
Working our way randomly through the list of downloads loads I came up with
as random list or fun and allow for jarring segues and conversation.
The first one, the biggest one people notice right off the bat is that this
is an expensive damn hobby. The sex is free, or it should be.
And like I've said before, the sex ain't free, this is no longer swinging,
(02:39):
and there is a whole different issue that needs to be dealt with.
No, this hobby is expensive when a couple wants to attend events and parties and gatherings.
Summoning the heathens together for a party can be expensive,
whether hosting a house party or or as an attendee to an event.
It shows that there is big money in this hobby because people are willing to
pay a premium for the opportunity to have fun in a vanilla-free environment,
(03:00):
be it a club or a takeover. And there are costumes.
Who knew I would stumble into a hobby that involves so many costumes and ball shaving?
If we look at a very small regional hotel takeover, excluding like the big ones
in Vegas, which are multi-day epic conventions of debauchery and can cost thousands
of dollars, like real dollars to attend.
I say small, but even a regional takeover can have 300 people in attendance easy.
(03:24):
Small hotel takeovers might run between $400 to $1,000 for a weekend,
between event tickets, food, drinks, the hotel room, and then the costumes,
because every good party has a theme.
Attending a takeover can be costly. My recommendation is to shack up with a
friend. If the takeover lets you split a room, do that.
I have noticed in the lifestyle we travel and sleep like a pack of wild college
(03:45):
students, just feral little monsters.
If there are two beds in a room, yeah, we can fit six people easily in there.
Or say, screw sleep, keep partying. If you never stop partying,
then you don't have to worry about having somewhere to sleep.
And that is science, my friend.
Hashtag learning. This only works with couples that are friends and don't mind staying together.
And any friendship can get frayed if four people stay in a hotel room,
(04:05):
but savings are savings.
What I have learned in the lifestyle is after you see another person naked,
you can get along great in a hotel room.
Some takeovers require that every couple purchase a separate room though.
You can reduce alcohol costs by bringing liquor from home.
Food, you need snacks though.
Spend the money for room snacks. There is nothing better than cold pizza at
(04:27):
3 a.m. after dancing and screwing all night. A sneaky cost?
Is costumes. Every party could require a whole new outfit, and this ain't simple
lingerie for the ladies.
No, this is elaborate dresses and shoes and accessories, like beautiful peacocks and light-up capes.
To the men out there, if your wife dresses up and puts effort into her costume,
(04:47):
you need to put the same effort into your outfit.
I know you want to be all cool, too cool to dress up, but I can say for personal
experience, you get more attention dressed like a day glow neon viking than you do in blue jeans.
If you want to participate in the costume side of the lifestyle,
my recommendation is to get a couple of pieces that mix and match. Think separates.
The most popular party themes I have seen to give you an idea of what to look
(05:11):
for are fire and ice, glow party, masquerade, and halloween slash cosplay-ish.
I personally had to look up what the hell is a glow party. Yeah,
that moment made me feel old.
Glow party is like a rave. A rave environment with black lights and neon everywhere.
Fire and ice, kind of self-explanatory. Blue or white or red outfits.
For masquerade, you could get away with a nice black cocktail dress and a mask.
(05:33):
And for men, maybe a suit or a snazzy vest.
Halloween and other types of costumes, though, try to catch the post-Halloween
sales, at least here in the States on November 1st every year.
Build up a closet of pieces that you can mix and match. I promise no one will
notice if you wear the same costume twice.
People are drunk and horny and not taking stock of what other people wear that closely.
(05:53):
The positive barrier in here is that you get to dress up. How often in your
adult life do you get a chance to wear capes and fancy shoes and rhinestones
and maybe a hot pink bikini that's split your labia?
Just to share this one, too. For the big hotel takeovers, think like over 2,000
people in attendance, maybe like Naughty in New Orleans, for instance. They need volunteers.
You can get free access to the event if you volunteer to help out.
(06:15):
Reach out to the organizers and ask. Worst they say is no, and best case scenario,
y'all get to attend a super cool event for free. Clubs can be expensive too.
The fee of the door can range upwards of $200 for a night. I got a hack on this one too.
Usually the sex clubs operate on a membership basis. You have to buy a membership.
I'll be maybe for just one night in order to go inside.
(06:36):
If the club offers a yearly membership, think about it. Might come out cheaper
if you plan on going back to the club more than twice a year.
Sometimes the monthly or yearly membership might even be cheaper than a single night pass.
Parties. House parties. These are relatively cheap to attend.
Throwing a house party can be pricey between decorations and food and liquor
and whatever else the host decides to provide.
(06:58):
Personally, I am a fan of giant inflatable water slides.
Because how many times in the adult world do people get to enjoy a giant inflatable
water slide without any kids around?
It's a blast. But yeah, parties can be expensive to host too.
Then there are websites and apps. It is super hard to meet swingers in the wild
and the websites are a valuable service, especially when you're starting out
and have no connections in the lifestyle.
(07:19):
They are not needed, but they help. You can totally avoid using the swinger sites.
You can go to local clubs and build out a network that way, or you speed up
the process, get on one of the sites like sdc.com, flip through profiles,
and reach out to prospective friends.
They do cost money. You can join one or 10. It's up to you, but there is a monthly
cost associated with each one.
(07:39):
I suggest trying out a few. Maybe try them for a month until you settle on one
site that is the most productive for your area.
As an alternative to the paid sites, there is traditional vanilla social media
like Facebook, which is free.
I talked about using Facebook and Reddit in a previous episode,
but to summarize, it can be hard on Facebook to keep your lifestyle life and
your vanilla life separate.
(08:00):
Reddit can work if you sift through the fakes, dubious couples,
sketchy people, and make sure you keep those pics safe on that website.
Another downside, this can be a time-consuming hobby.
Making time in your vanilla life to engage in sexy shenanigans with other swingers is fucking hard.
Let me back up. Before the date, there is the texting and the chatting,
which can take up time too.
(08:21):
You want to interact and talk to people, and that will divert attention away from your daily life.
You can drop a few hours each day
easily in texting with other couples and groups. Then there's the dates.
Somehow, you have to find a free weekend, clear your vanilla calendar,
possibly find childcare, and juggle so much just to have a fun Saturday night.
And if you travel for an event, that's even more time invested.
(08:43):
Our time is valuable. It is the only resource we cannot replenish.
You can make more money or friends, but you can't make more time.
So you must be selective on where you devote that time.
If scheduling a date with another couple is a hassle for you,
make damn sure ahead of time you set expectations so there is no confusion and
y'all can get out of the date whatever you're looking for.
(09:03):
I know couples who only stay local to their area for all these reasons because
it's just too hard to get away.
I also know other couples that condense all their swinging into two weeks a
year on a cruise or at a resort.
There has to be a balance between the vanilla world and the lifestyle.
You and your spouse have to find that balance.
This hobby can suck every free moment from you. It's invigorating.
(09:25):
Talking to new people, the parties, the sex, definitely the sex.
You have to find the right balance for your marriage and your life.
There may be hard choices on when and where to go do some ho shit.
Brief aside, y'all stay with me. Come on, let's go have a serious talk over
here. I know someone out there needs to hear this. This is important.
I want to talk to all those couples listening with kids.
(09:45):
Whatever age they are, but probably the couples with younger kids.
As a child-free couple ourselves, I need you to know, it's okay. We get it.
Kids will call or text or do something stupid at the worst possible moment.
Personally, I had a few encounters stop completely because a kid does something
stupid like cut their own hair or decide to finger paint the walls or the dog ate their pizza.
(10:08):
It happens and it's okay. We are not bothered by it.
You do not have to feel bad or apologize or feel guilty at all if a date needs
to end early or get canceled altogether.
Shit happens. Your family and kids are the highest priority.
Your family obligations come first, and yes, while kids have horrible,
terrible timing, from my perspective, our perspective, you're friends with no
(10:29):
kids, hi, that's us, no harm, no foul, no hard feelings.
They are their priority, not swinging. whatever adventures
we had planned it may be diverted or ruined due to family commitments
like parenthood we understand we reschedule i know there are parents out there
who get worked up because they think now a couple doesn't like them because
they had to flake or bail on a date we do not your children and vanilla commitments
(10:52):
are more important than this hobby word of warning and advice any couple that
y'all may be associating with should understand this and be forgiving,
should be okay with this is key word and if they give you any grief at all about
being a good parent, that's a red flag and you need to move on.
Kids always know how to throw off plans for a night. It's like they start licking
(11:12):
doorknobs at school during the week so they can just time it out perfectly to
get sick on a Saturday night.
I promise, from the child-free couples out there, maybe some other couples with kids, it's okay.
Speaking of making arrangements for dates and finding care for small humans,
babysitters are expensive, y'all.
Multiple dollars per hour. And they've said hours. So all the fun needs to be
(11:33):
wrapped up in time for people to get home and relieve the babysitter.
Benefit of hiring a babysitter though, they ask a lot less questions.
There is a potentially low cost option for childcare. Use the family and friends.
But there's a converse relationship between the cheaper the childcare and the
nosiness into your plans.
Grandmothers will totally watch the kids and then insist on doing an interrogation
(11:57):
into the why and the how and the who and what are you doing?
They want details, damn it. What did you have for dinner? What did you drink?
What color were your shoes?
What was the waiter's name? What movie did you go see? What were the major plot points?
Pro tip, if you use the story of going to see a movie as a cover,
go online and read the spoilers.
Go to imdb.com, read the trivia, be prepared, do your research.
(12:17):
I guess it's a trade-off. Either spend money or mental energy to deal with the inquiries.
Family and friends will work cheaply, but they want details and stories.
So then you have to create elaborate cover stories to hide your naughty escapades.
That leads into the stress of maintaining a double life. Most swingers,
96% of swingers, hide their affiliation with the heathen tribes.
(12:37):
I know that number because I researched it. They don't want their vanilla social circle to find out.
So that causes you to split your time and attention between two worlds,
which can be mentally taxing. Let me rephrase that.
Mentally fucking exhausting and complicated, as one of my friends said,
it. Is lying the right word? I don't like that.
Maybe half-truths or go with the say absolutely nothing method.
(12:58):
It's hard though. Hard not to share that you participated in a five-some last
weekend with your vanilla friends.
What I have seen and have people tell me is that it becomes harder and harder
to hang out with vanilla friends as you dive deeper into the lifestyle.
You can't say anything. You can't tell them all the awesomeness you get up to every weekend.
You can be honest and open with lifestyle people though. After you experience
(13:20):
the freedom and the the joy of hanging out with lifestyle friends,
you look at your vanilla friends in the world differently.
You will start to notice how repressed and unhappy those poor vanilla bastards are.
For me personally, I find it hard to hang out with vanilla people now.
My lifestyle friends are happy, or they at least appear happy,
but my vanilla associates don't even appear to be happy.
I find myself having to hold back my true self and feelings and thoughts around vanilla people.
(13:43):
There will be a point where you prefer the company of lifestyle people exclusively
to vanilla, vanilla and really when your choice is either go bowling with the
boys on friday night or enjoy a party with lifestyle people running around half
naked with wild abandon which one are you going to choose,
Every time, I already know which one. Downside here, maintaining vanilla relationships
will get harder over time.
Just like managing all the texting apps can be a raging bitch.
(14:06):
I have six apps on my phone, six texting apps.
Everyone has a preference, and maybe one app is better for groups like Telegram,
and then there's another one that's better for private communication like Snapchat.
I have lifestyle friends I communicate with often.
Not complaining about that at all, and you will make friends in the lifestyle, I promise you that.
Unfortunately, there is not one single app that everyone uses for communication.
(14:28):
Don't use Kik. Kik is horrible. So yeah, you have to juggle a bunch of apps.
Speaking of social circles and friends, there are groups in the lifestyle.
Friend clusters of a few couples or big monstrous cliques of 300 people in a single group chat.
The upsides are great. You get to meet new people, the groups might organize
meetups, and now you're part of a tribe.
The downsides, fucking drama and gossip.
(14:51):
Any organization of humans will have a few bad apples that live for drama. They thrive on it.
Swinger groups have them too, and they have to be dealt with.
There are people who will spread their damn drama around like shitty fertilizer,
or people who will just stir the shit and giggle while they do it. They exist.
I wish they didn't, but they do. My advice is to avoid dramatic people.
(15:11):
Someone starts gossiping, walk away.
Get a whiff of dramatic horseshit flying around, walk away.
It's better to leave the conversation than indulge in it because when you stand
next to shitslingers, you end up covered in shit.
Pretty sure that's some folksy wisdom right there. Another downside on the opposite
end of the spectrum is, could be lack of people.
Depending on your geographic area or play styles, you may have trouble finding
(15:34):
compatible couples or singles.
I know couples who live in very uptight areas with a small lifestyle community
or just out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with limited options.
So you are committed to this lifestyle and then you can't find any couples.
Random downside to insert here too. Couples leave. Couples disappear.
You and your spouse may meet a couple, go on a few dates and think,
(15:56):
yes, these are our people and our friends.
Then they ghost you. No reason. Just gone. They stop texting or they delete their profiles.
It sucks. It hurts. It hurts to extend yourself and possibly have sex with them.
And then they just float away.
The consolation I offer here is, it's not you. If a couple decides to leave
the lifestyle, that is their decision and it had nothing to do with you.
(16:18):
If a couple stops talking to you, there are a lot of reasons why and probably
none of them involve you.
Other couples in the lifestyle are really shitty at maintaining long-term relationships
and just prefer to bounce around new couples all the time. Again, nothing to do with you.
I tell people, don't be sad when it's over, be happy it happened.
Pretty sure I learned that from a South Park episode. People may leave your
(16:40):
life, but you can cherish the memories they leave.
Sometimes shitty things happen between friends and y'all are not sure what happened
exactly, but it happened and you have to move on.
I was going to say let's go with a fun one to leave the bitter taste of broken
friendships behind, but fuck no, bouncing around to another gut punch.
Literally, an attractiveness gut punch. The lifestyle will force a person to
(17:00):
look really hard in the mirror.
I cannot lie, many aspects of the lifestyle are based on physical attraction.
I wish I could say looks don't matter. It's what's on the inside that matters.
But that would not be honest. Your physical attractiveness is what catches people's attention.
Personality gets them interested. I said all that, so let me settle some fears
right here. Do people look like supermodels? Hell no.
(17:23):
Do you need to look like a supermodel to get attention? Nope.
Be clean and well-groomed and take care of your physical health.
If you have let yourself go physically, and you know what I mean by this.
The lifestyle will let you know with a quickness. It's simple.
Attractive couples get attention. Yes, there is something to be said for personality,
which can go a long ways towards causing others to feel the warm and fuzzies about you.
(17:45):
But the physical attraction is what initially gets another couple's attention.
I want to be honest with everyone that it happens, but there is a positive here.
The lifestyle can give you the motivation you need to make positive physical
changes in your life. And I need to add a disclaimer right here.
Please consult a doctor or a physician before you embark on a weight loss journey
or health transformation.
There we go. You can do simple things like lose weight. And I promise you need to do more cardio.
(18:08):
You need more cardio because when the sex gets all sweaty and hard,
you need some staying power. You need the lung capacity.
Start training. If people need motivation to make healthy changes,
the potential of near strangers seeing them naked, that can do it.
This lifestyle also has a steep learning curve. You must relearn how to flirt.
It sounds weird, but run with me. You and your spouse have years and decades
(18:30):
of communicating together.
You know what your wife likes to be complimented on. You know what your husband
enjoys in conversation.
You know how to talk to each other. The last time you flirted with someone you
were not married to was probably 20 years or more.
I bet you're rusty. You need practice.
I know I was rusty as hell when we started, especially with flirting via texting, sexting. The hell?
(18:52):
That shit didn't exist when I I was dating before I met my wife,
and now I feel like this whole episode is about how old I feel now. Go practice flirting.
Conversations are different. You notice the difference now.
In the lifestyle, you can be open and honest. You can tell another person you
find them attractive and want to sit on their face and then go right back to
talking about the weather. See? Flirting. Vanilla world.
(19:13):
Conversations are sterilized, only allowing certain topics for small talk.
If you're coming from the vanilla world, the change in conversation flow takes adjustment.
Downside to the lifestyle, you have to relearn how to communicate in a whole
new society and not just talk about flirting here, like talking a whole new language.
I always say we have a culture and that culture has a language and a vernacular
and habits and traditions and etiquette.
(19:34):
If only there was a podcast that you should listen to every single week multiple
times that could help you learn and navigate all this.
See what I did right there? Drop that in there. Go ahead and subscribe for me.
I'd appreciate it. And oh, let's add another sucky downside to our pile of sucky downsides.
A big downside that plenty of people wish wasn't out there, but it's real.
SEIs and the risk of catching them. That was a huge shift in the conversation.
(19:58):
STIs are real and present and need to be mitigated. Yes, STIs,
sexually transmitted infections, exist.
I know couples who have dealt with them. All it takes is one,
one single, one singular lone encounter to catch an STI that will require extensive
treatment and medication.
This happens. I can't sugarcoat this one. We as a community should do everything
(20:19):
we can to mitigate the risk collectively.
We should engage in regular testing and treatment. We should use condoms.
We should be smart and aware of who we are doing the slippery cha-cha with.
Even with all these precautions, though, it still happens. Any skin-to-skin
human contact carries a risk.
I want everyone to be safe. I want everyone to take this risk seriously.
(20:40):
I know people don't. I know there's a population of swingers who exist in a
blissful state of denial.
Denial will not stop an infection. I have heard people say, we only play with
clean couples, so I don't need to worry about testing since everyone else is clean.
First, imaginary jackass couple. Clean is not the right term.
STI negative is the correct term.
Klain denotes that the others are dirty, and that's not the case.
(21:03):
Second, I have legit heard this one from swingers and politely just noped out the situation.
While, yes, you can form a cluster of couples and only play with each other
for safety, there's still a need to get tested. You have control over who you interact with.
You have no control over the interactions of other couples.
Even with couples you play with regularly, there still needs to be precautions
and, at a minimum, condoms and testing.
(21:26):
And testing costs money, or it could be covered by your health insurance.
Either way, them bastards are taking some blood from you for that test,
but it's money and blood well spent.
No amount of mental denial that, oh, it won't happen to me, will stop chlamydia and gonorrhea.
If you wish on every star in the sky really, really hard that you and your spouse
won't catch something, it won't work.
(21:47):
No amount of mental gymnastics will stop STIs, but you know what will? Safety precautions.
Another downside for people is that the lifestyle can be exclusionary based
on gender identity and preference.
The stereotypical arrangement is the standard is a cis heteronormative,
heterosexual male and female couple. They want to screw around with the same.
(22:08):
There's a caveat that a lot of women are bisexual in the lifestyle.
They enjoy it, but just as many women are not bisexual.
So never assume a woman is bisexual in the lifestyle right off the bat.
So yeah, if you do not personally identify as a cisgender heteronormative,
heterosexual person, it may be hard to find fuck buddies.
There is certainly more acceptance of alternative lifestyles in swinging,
(22:30):
lifestyle in general, ethical non-monogamy, but the reality is most couples
only want to screw around with other cis heteronormative couples.
Straight men can become terrified if they learn another man is bisexual,
or maybe a trans person can't quite figure out where they fit in all these configurations.
There are also men who firmly believe in the one penis per room policy,
so couples are out and they're only going to engage with single women.
(22:51):
I encourage everyone, at a minimum, learn and respect the sexuality of others.
Learn and respect the sexual expression
of others. You don't have to fuck them. You can be kind, though.
In the words of the immortal Lou Reed, take a walk on the wild side.
You might like it. Throwing more downside logs on this suck pile.
Disagreements and disconnects from your partner. There are layers to this.
(23:13):
A couple may disagree internally on who to swing with and how often.
There may be another couple that one person is really into and the other one has no interest.
Y'all gotta navigate that. I ain't a fan of taking can win for the team either
because that can cause resentment and resentment is a nasty little boy that
festers and eventually pops with the fury of a thousand suns and then there
are fights and anger and all that is the opposite of what the lifestyle should be about.
(23:36):
The lifestyle can also be addictive and there can be an urge to constantly up the ante.
Couples may start out with a little light parallel play then move up to soft
swap and then on to full swap and then on to orgies and the scale keeps going.
I see it often where one partner wants to jump into the deep end of the pool
and just go deeper and deeper while the other partner is content to sit on a
floatie in the shallow wind.
This disconnect from what people want from the lifestyle can create friction in a couple.
(24:00):
Maybe the wife wants to bring in single men into the equation and the husband opposes the idea.
Managing these expectations and desires requires constant communication and checking in.
Despite all these downsides though, the lifestyle is fucking great.
None of these downsides outweigh the sheer joy of life I feel when I hang out
with my lifestyle friends.
None of these downsides are greater than the connections I have made and cherish.
(24:22):
The lifestyle overall has been a huge positive in my life and hopefully yours.
And the sex, definitely the sex. The sex is great.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions
for topics, so feel free to reach out to me.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified
educator of any kind in any way.
I am a guy with a microphone sharing sharing my personal experiences with you.
(24:44):
This podcast is for entertainment purposes only, and please join us for the
next episode. Whatever you may do to help.
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
Good evening. Wherever you may be, I hope you have blue skies and nudes.
Welcome to that other lifestyle podcast.
I am your host, Jason, and we talk about the good, the bad, the ugly,
and the weird sides of this wild lifestyle.
To balance out the universe, today I am sharing a sampling of the downsides of the lifestyle.
This is not an all-inclusive list
either. I am sure there are quirks and situations I am not thinking of.
(00:28):
I will sing the praises of the lifestyle and be the best advocate of swinging
that I can be, but I want to be honest.
If anyone one is thinking about this hobby, thinking about introducing another
person into their relationship or bedroom, I want them to be equipped to deal
with the good and the bad. And oh, there are some weird downsides.
Subscribe to the podcast wherever you may be listening. The show is also available
on YouTube and FullSwapRadio.com.
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Thinking about dipping your toes in? You can find a link to sign up for SDC
on my website, ThatOtherLifestyle.com.
Please note this podcast is intended for adults only. It is not safe for work.
We will talk about adult or sexual topics and I will use salty language often.
This content is for entertainment purposes only, and again, only for those over 18 years of age.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can.
(01:11):
It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance.
For simplicity sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife
or partner or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I'm sharing.
This podcast is for everyone, though. No matter your background,
gender identity, gender expression, whatever truth you may be living, everyone is welcome.
Welcome today we are discussing the downsides of the
lifestyle what there's downsides downsides being
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shitty situations or scenarios or just annoyances people deal
with in the lifestyle but people always talk about the positives and how wonderful
this hobby is there are blogs and articles that list out 5 or 20 or 50 pros
and positives of the lifestyle how it helped people own their sexuality or meet
great friends or have sexy adventures
that is very true there are a lot of positives in the lifestyle.
(01:56):
But I would be a bad podcaster host guy if I did not share the other side,
the downsides of the lifestyle.
Good news though, I can offer advice on how to mitigate the downsides,
navigate the possible negative aspects, and hopefully show you how even in negatives
there is a positive waiting to be found.
When we started this hobby, we thought it was fairly simple.
Meet a couple, chat, bang it out, move on.
(02:17):
Oh simple naive Jason, I had no idea how complicated this hobby can be.
Working our way randomly through the list of downloads loads I came up with
as random list or fun and allow for jarring segues and conversation.
The first one, the biggest one people notice right off the bat is that this
is an expensive damn hobby. The sex is free, or it should be.
And like I've said before, the sex ain't free, this is no longer swinging,
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and there is a whole different issue that needs to be dealt with.
No, this hobby is expensive when a couple wants to attend events and parties and gatherings.
Summoning the heathens together for a party can be expensive,
whether hosting a house party or or as an attendee to an event.
It shows that there is big money in this hobby because people are willing to
pay a premium for the opportunity to have fun in a vanilla-free environment,
(03:00):
be it a club or a takeover. And there are costumes.
Who knew I would stumble into a hobby that involves so many costumes and ball shaving?
If we look at a very small regional hotel takeover, excluding like the big ones
in Vegas, which are multi-day epic conventions of debauchery and can cost thousands
of dollars, like real dollars to attend.
I say small, but even a regional takeover can have 300 people in attendance easy.
(03:24):
Small hotel takeovers might run between $400 to $1,000 for a weekend,
between event tickets, food, drinks, the hotel room, and then the costumes,
because every good party has a theme.
Attending a takeover can be costly. My recommendation is to shack up with a
friend. If the takeover lets you split a room, do that.
I have noticed in the lifestyle we travel and sleep like a pack of wild college
(03:45):
students, just feral little monsters.
If there are two beds in a room, yeah, we can fit six people easily in there.
Or say, screw sleep, keep partying. If you never stop partying,
then you don't have to worry about having somewhere to sleep.
And that is science, my friend.
Hashtag learning. This only works with couples that are friends and don't mind staying together.
And any friendship can get frayed if four people stay in a hotel room,
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but savings are savings.
What I have learned in the lifestyle is after you see another person naked,
you can get along great in a hotel room.
Some takeovers require that every couple purchase a separate room though.
You can reduce alcohol costs by bringing liquor from home.
Food, you need snacks though.
Spend the money for room snacks. There is nothing better than cold pizza at
(04:27):
3 a.m. after dancing and screwing all night. A sneaky cost?
Is costumes. Every party could require a whole new outfit, and this ain't simple
lingerie for the ladies.
No, this is elaborate dresses and shoes and accessories, like beautiful peacocks and light-up capes.
To the men out there, if your wife dresses up and puts effort into her costume,
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you need to put the same effort into your outfit.
I know you want to be all cool, too cool to dress up, but I can say for personal
experience, you get more attention dressed like a day glow neon viking than you do in blue jeans.
If you want to participate in the costume side of the lifestyle,
my recommendation is to get a couple of pieces that mix and match. Think separates.
The most popular party themes I have seen to give you an idea of what to look
(05:11):
for are fire and ice, glow party, masquerade, and halloween slash cosplay-ish.
I personally had to look up what the hell is a glow party. Yeah,
that moment made me feel old.
Glow party is like a rave. A rave environment with black lights and neon everywhere.
Fire and ice, kind of self-explanatory. Blue or white or red outfits.
For masquerade, you could get away with a nice black cocktail dress and a mask.
(05:33):
And for men, maybe a suit or a snazzy vest.
Halloween and other types of costumes, though, try to catch the post-Halloween
sales, at least here in the States on November 1st every year.
Build up a closet of pieces that you can mix and match. I promise no one will
notice if you wear the same costume twice.
People are drunk and horny and not taking stock of what other people wear that closely.
(05:53):
The positive barrier in here is that you get to dress up. How often in your
adult life do you get a chance to wear capes and fancy shoes and rhinestones
and maybe a hot pink bikini that's split your labia?
Just to share this one, too. For the big hotel takeovers, think like over 2,000
people in attendance, maybe like Naughty in New Orleans, for instance. They need volunteers.
You can get free access to the event if you volunteer to help out.
(06:15):
Reach out to the organizers and ask. Worst they say is no, and best case scenario,
y'all get to attend a super cool event for free. Clubs can be expensive too.
The fee of the door can range upwards of $200 for a night. I got a hack on this one too.
Usually the sex clubs operate on a membership basis. You have to buy a membership.
I'll be maybe for just one night in order to go inside.
(06:36):
If the club offers a yearly membership, think about it. Might come out cheaper
if you plan on going back to the club more than twice a year.
Sometimes the monthly or yearly membership might even be cheaper than a single night pass.
Parties. House parties. These are relatively cheap to attend.
Throwing a house party can be pricey between decorations and food and liquor
and whatever else the host decides to provide.
(06:58):
Personally, I am a fan of giant inflatable water slides.
Because how many times in the adult world do people get to enjoy a giant inflatable
water slide without any kids around?
It's a blast. But yeah, parties can be expensive to host too.
Then there are websites and apps. It is super hard to meet swingers in the wild
and the websites are a valuable service, especially when you're starting out
and have no connections in the lifestyle.
(07:19):
They are not needed, but they help. You can totally avoid using the swinger sites.
You can go to local clubs and build out a network that way, or you speed up
the process, get on one of the sites like sdc.com, flip through profiles,
and reach out to prospective friends.
They do cost money. You can join one or 10. It's up to you, but there is a monthly
cost associated with each one.
(07:39):
I suggest trying out a few. Maybe try them for a month until you settle on one
site that is the most productive for your area.
As an alternative to the paid sites, there is traditional vanilla social media
like Facebook, which is free.
I talked about using Facebook and Reddit in a previous episode,
but to summarize, it can be hard on Facebook to keep your lifestyle life and
your vanilla life separate.
(08:00):
Reddit can work if you sift through the fakes, dubious couples,
sketchy people, and make sure you keep those pics safe on that website.
Another downside, this can be a time-consuming hobby.
Making time in your vanilla life to engage in sexy shenanigans with other swingers is fucking hard.
Let me back up. Before the date, there is the texting and the chatting,
which can take up time too.
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You want to interact and talk to people, and that will divert attention away from your daily life.
You can drop a few hours each day
easily in texting with other couples and groups. Then there's the dates.
Somehow, you have to find a free weekend, clear your vanilla calendar,
possibly find childcare, and juggle so much just to have a fun Saturday night.
And if you travel for an event, that's even more time invested.
(08:43):
Our time is valuable. It is the only resource we cannot replenish.
You can make more money or friends, but you can't make more time.
So you must be selective on where you devote that time.
If scheduling a date with another couple is a hassle for you,
make damn sure ahead of time you set expectations so there is no confusion and
y'all can get out of the date whatever you're looking for.
(09:03):
I know couples who only stay local to their area for all these reasons because
it's just too hard to get away.
I also know other couples that condense all their swinging into two weeks a
year on a cruise or at a resort.
There has to be a balance between the vanilla world and the lifestyle.
You and your spouse have to find that balance.
This hobby can suck every free moment from you. It's invigorating.
(09:25):
Talking to new people, the parties, the sex, definitely the sex.
You have to find the right balance for your marriage and your life.
There may be hard choices on when and where to go do some ho shit.
Brief aside, y'all stay with me. Come on, let's go have a serious talk over
here. I know someone out there needs to hear this. This is important.
I want to talk to all those couples listening with kids.
(09:45):
Whatever age they are, but probably the couples with younger kids.
As a child-free couple ourselves, I need you to know, it's okay. We get it.
Kids will call or text or do something stupid at the worst possible moment.
Personally, I had a few encounters stop completely because a kid does something
stupid like cut their own hair or decide to finger paint the walls or the dog ate their pizza.
(10:08):
It happens and it's okay. We are not bothered by it.
You do not have to feel bad or apologize or feel guilty at all if a date needs
to end early or get canceled altogether.
Shit happens. Your family and kids are the highest priority.
Your family obligations come first, and yes, while kids have horrible,
terrible timing, from my perspective, our perspective, you're friends with no
(10:29):
kids, hi, that's us, no harm, no foul, no hard feelings.
They are their priority, not swinging. whatever adventures
we had planned it may be diverted or ruined due to family commitments
like parenthood we understand we reschedule i know there are parents out there
who get worked up because they think now a couple doesn't like them because
they had to flake or bail on a date we do not your children and vanilla commitments
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are more important than this hobby word of warning and advice any couple that
y'all may be associating with should understand this and be forgiving,
should be okay with this is key word and if they give you any grief at all about
being a good parent, that's a red flag and you need to move on.
Kids always know how to throw off plans for a night. It's like they start licking
(11:12):
doorknobs at school during the week so they can just time it out perfectly to
get sick on a Saturday night.
I promise, from the child-free couples out there, maybe some other couples with kids, it's okay.
Speaking of making arrangements for dates and finding care for small humans,
babysitters are expensive, y'all.
Multiple dollars per hour. And they've said hours. So all the fun needs to be
(11:33):
wrapped up in time for people to get home and relieve the babysitter.
Benefit of hiring a babysitter though, they ask a lot less questions.
There is a potentially low cost option for childcare. Use the family and friends.
But there's a converse relationship between the cheaper the childcare and the
nosiness into your plans.
Grandmothers will totally watch the kids and then insist on doing an interrogation
(11:57):
into the why and the how and the who and what are you doing?
They want details, damn it. What did you have for dinner? What did you drink?
What color were your shoes?
What was the waiter's name? What movie did you go see? What were the major plot points?
Pro tip, if you use the story of going to see a movie as a cover,
go online and read the spoilers.
Go to imdb.com, read the trivia, be prepared, do your research.
(12:17):
I guess it's a trade-off. Either spend money or mental energy to deal with the inquiries.
Family and friends will work cheaply, but they want details and stories.
So then you have to create elaborate cover stories to hide your naughty escapades.
That leads into the stress of maintaining a double life. Most swingers,
96% of swingers, hide their affiliation with the heathen tribes.
(12:37):
I know that number because I researched it. They don't want their vanilla social circle to find out.
So that causes you to split your time and attention between two worlds,
which can be mentally taxing. Let me rephrase that.
Mentally fucking exhausting and complicated, as one of my friends said,
it. Is lying the right word? I don't like that.
Maybe half-truths or go with the say absolutely nothing method.
(12:58):
It's hard though. Hard not to share that you participated in a five-some last
weekend with your vanilla friends.
What I have seen and have people tell me is that it becomes harder and harder
to hang out with vanilla friends as you dive deeper into the lifestyle.
You can't say anything. You can't tell them all the awesomeness you get up to every weekend.
You can be honest and open with lifestyle people though. After you experience
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the freedom and the the joy of hanging out with lifestyle friends,
you look at your vanilla friends in the world differently.
You will start to notice how repressed and unhappy those poor vanilla bastards are.
For me personally, I find it hard to hang out with vanilla people now.
My lifestyle friends are happy, or they at least appear happy,
but my vanilla associates don't even appear to be happy.
I find myself having to hold back my true self and feelings and thoughts around vanilla people.
(13:43):
There will be a point where you prefer the company of lifestyle people exclusively
to vanilla, vanilla and really when your choice is either go bowling with the
boys on friday night or enjoy a party with lifestyle people running around half
naked with wild abandon which one are you going to choose,
Every time, I already know which one. Downside here, maintaining vanilla relationships
will get harder over time.
Just like managing all the texting apps can be a raging bitch.
(14:06):
I have six apps on my phone, six texting apps.
Everyone has a preference, and maybe one app is better for groups like Telegram,
and then there's another one that's better for private communication like Snapchat.
I have lifestyle friends I communicate with often.
Not complaining about that at all, and you will make friends in the lifestyle, I promise you that.
Unfortunately, there is not one single app that everyone uses for communication.
(14:28):
Don't use Kik. Kik is horrible. So yeah, you have to juggle a bunch of apps.
Speaking of social circles and friends, there are groups in the lifestyle.
Friend clusters of a few couples or big monstrous cliques of 300 people in a single group chat.
The upsides are great. You get to meet new people, the groups might organize
meetups, and now you're part of a tribe.
The downsides, fucking drama and gossip.
(14:51):
Any organization of humans will have a few bad apples that live for drama. They thrive on it.
Swinger groups have them too, and they have to be dealt with.
There are people who will spread their damn drama around like shitty fertilizer,
or people who will just stir the shit and giggle while they do it. They exist.
I wish they didn't, but they do. My advice is to avoid dramatic people.
(15:11):
Someone starts gossiping, walk away.
Get a whiff of dramatic horseshit flying around, walk away.
It's better to leave the conversation than indulge in it because when you stand
next to shitslingers, you end up covered in shit.
Pretty sure that's some folksy wisdom right there. Another downside on the opposite
end of the spectrum is, could be lack of people.
Depending on your geographic area or play styles, you may have trouble finding
(15:34):
compatible couples or singles.
I know couples who live in very uptight areas with a small lifestyle community
or just out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with limited options.
So you are committed to this lifestyle and then you can't find any couples.
Random downside to insert here too. Couples leave. Couples disappear.
You and your spouse may meet a couple, go on a few dates and think,
(15:56):
yes, these are our people and our friends.
Then they ghost you. No reason. Just gone. They stop texting or they delete their profiles.
It sucks. It hurts. It hurts to extend yourself and possibly have sex with them.
And then they just float away.
The consolation I offer here is, it's not you. If a couple decides to leave
the lifestyle, that is their decision and it had nothing to do with you.
(16:18):
If a couple stops talking to you, there are a lot of reasons why and probably
none of them involve you.
Other couples in the lifestyle are really shitty at maintaining long-term relationships
and just prefer to bounce around new couples all the time. Again, nothing to do with you.
I tell people, don't be sad when it's over, be happy it happened.
Pretty sure I learned that from a South Park episode. People may leave your
(16:40):
life, but you can cherish the memories they leave.
Sometimes shitty things happen between friends and y'all are not sure what happened
exactly, but it happened and you have to move on.
I was going to say let's go with a fun one to leave the bitter taste of broken
friendships behind, but fuck no, bouncing around to another gut punch.
Literally, an attractiveness gut punch. The lifestyle will force a person to
(17:00):
look really hard in the mirror.
I cannot lie, many aspects of the lifestyle are based on physical attraction.
I wish I could say looks don't matter. It's what's on the inside that matters.
But that would not be honest. Your physical attractiveness is what catches people's attention.
Personality gets them interested. I said all that, so let me settle some fears
right here. Do people look like supermodels? Hell no.
(17:23):
Do you need to look like a supermodel to get attention? Nope.
Be clean and well-groomed and take care of your physical health.
If you have let yourself go physically, and you know what I mean by this.
The lifestyle will let you know with a quickness. It's simple.
Attractive couples get attention. Yes, there is something to be said for personality,
which can go a long ways towards causing others to feel the warm and fuzzies about you.
(17:45):
But the physical attraction is what initially gets another couple's attention.
I want to be honest with everyone that it happens, but there is a positive here.
The lifestyle can give you the motivation you need to make positive physical
changes in your life. And I need to add a disclaimer right here.
Please consult a doctor or a physician before you embark on a weight loss journey
or health transformation.
There we go. You can do simple things like lose weight. And I promise you need to do more cardio.
(18:08):
You need more cardio because when the sex gets all sweaty and hard,
you need some staying power. You need the lung capacity.
Start training. If people need motivation to make healthy changes,
the potential of near strangers seeing them naked, that can do it.
This lifestyle also has a steep learning curve. You must relearn how to flirt.
It sounds weird, but run with me. You and your spouse have years and decades
(18:30):
of communicating together.
You know what your wife likes to be complimented on. You know what your husband
enjoys in conversation.
You know how to talk to each other. The last time you flirted with someone you
were not married to was probably 20 years or more.
I bet you're rusty. You need practice.
I know I was rusty as hell when we started, especially with flirting via texting, sexting. The hell?
(18:52):
That shit didn't exist when I I was dating before I met my wife,
and now I feel like this whole episode is about how old I feel now. Go practice flirting.
Conversations are different. You notice the difference now.
In the lifestyle, you can be open and honest. You can tell another person you
find them attractive and want to sit on their face and then go right back to
talking about the weather. See? Flirting. Vanilla world.
(19:13):
Conversations are sterilized, only allowing certain topics for small talk.
If you're coming from the vanilla world, the change in conversation flow takes adjustment.
Downside to the lifestyle, you have to relearn how to communicate in a whole
new society and not just talk about flirting here, like talking a whole new language.
I always say we have a culture and that culture has a language and a vernacular
and habits and traditions and etiquette.
(19:34):
If only there was a podcast that you should listen to every single week multiple
times that could help you learn and navigate all this.
See what I did right there? Drop that in there. Go ahead and subscribe for me.
I'd appreciate it. And oh, let's add another sucky downside to our pile of sucky downsides.
A big downside that plenty of people wish wasn't out there, but it's real.
SEIs and the risk of catching them. That was a huge shift in the conversation.
(19:58):
STIs are real and present and need to be mitigated. Yes, STIs,
sexually transmitted infections, exist.
I know couples who have dealt with them. All it takes is one,
one single, one singular lone encounter to catch an STI that will require extensive
treatment and medication.
This happens. I can't sugarcoat this one. We as a community should do everything
(20:19):
we can to mitigate the risk collectively.
We should engage in regular testing and treatment. We should use condoms.
We should be smart and aware of who we are doing the slippery cha-cha with.
Even with all these precautions, though, it still happens. Any skin-to-skin
human contact carries a risk.
I want everyone to be safe. I want everyone to take this risk seriously.
(20:40):
I know people don't. I know there's a population of swingers who exist in a
blissful state of denial.
Denial will not stop an infection. I have heard people say, we only play with
clean couples, so I don't need to worry about testing since everyone else is clean.
First, imaginary jackass couple. Clean is not the right term.
STI negative is the correct term.
Klain denotes that the others are dirty, and that's not the case.
(21:03):
Second, I have legit heard this one from swingers and politely just noped out the situation.
While, yes, you can form a cluster of couples and only play with each other
for safety, there's still a need to get tested. You have control over who you interact with.
You have no control over the interactions of other couples.
Even with couples you play with regularly, there still needs to be precautions
and, at a minimum, condoms and testing.
(21:26):
And testing costs money, or it could be covered by your health insurance.
Either way, them bastards are taking some blood from you for that test,
but it's money and blood well spent.
No amount of mental denial that, oh, it won't happen to me, will stop chlamydia and gonorrhea.
If you wish on every star in the sky really, really hard that you and your spouse
won't catch something, it won't work.
(21:47):
No amount of mental gymnastics will stop STIs, but you know what will? Safety precautions.
Another downside for people is that the lifestyle can be exclusionary based
on gender identity and preference.
The stereotypical arrangement is the standard is a cis heteronormative,
heterosexual male and female couple. They want to screw around with the same.
(22:08):
There's a caveat that a lot of women are bisexual in the lifestyle.
They enjoy it, but just as many women are not bisexual.
So never assume a woman is bisexual in the lifestyle right off the bat.
So yeah, if you do not personally identify as a cisgender heteronormative,
heterosexual person, it may be hard to find fuck buddies.
There is certainly more acceptance of alternative lifestyles in swinging,
(22:30):
lifestyle in general, ethical non-monogamy, but the reality is most couples
only want to screw around with other cis heteronormative couples.
Straight men can become terrified if they learn another man is bisexual,
or maybe a trans person can't quite figure out where they fit in all these configurations.
There are also men who firmly believe in the one penis per room policy,
so couples are out and they're only going to engage with single women.
(22:51):
I encourage everyone, at a minimum, learn and respect the sexuality of others.
Learn and respect the sexual expression
of others. You don't have to fuck them. You can be kind, though.
In the words of the immortal Lou Reed, take a walk on the wild side.
You might like it. Throwing more downside logs on this suck pile.
Disagreements and disconnects from your partner. There are layers to this.
(23:13):
A couple may disagree internally on who to swing with and how often.
There may be another couple that one person is really into and the other one has no interest.
Y'all gotta navigate that. I ain't a fan of taking can win for the team either
because that can cause resentment and resentment is a nasty little boy that
festers and eventually pops with the fury of a thousand suns and then there
are fights and anger and all that is the opposite of what the lifestyle should be about.
(23:36):
The lifestyle can also be addictive and there can be an urge to constantly up the ante.
Couples may start out with a little light parallel play then move up to soft
swap and then on to full swap and then on to orgies and the scale keeps going.
I see it often where one partner wants to jump into the deep end of the pool
and just go deeper and deeper while the other partner is content to sit on a
floatie in the shallow wind.
This disconnect from what people want from the lifestyle can create friction in a couple.
(24:00):
Maybe the wife wants to bring in single men into the equation and the husband opposes the idea.
Managing these expectations and desires requires constant communication and checking in.
Despite all these downsides though, the lifestyle is fucking great.
None of these downsides outweigh the sheer joy of life I feel when I hang out
with my lifestyle friends.
None of these downsides are greater than the connections I have made and cherish.
(24:22):
The lifestyle overall has been a huge positive in my life and hopefully yours.
And the sex, definitely the sex. The sex is great.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions
for topics, so feel free to reach out to me.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified
educator of any kind in any way.
I am a guy with a microphone sharing sharing my personal experiences with you.
(24:44):
This podcast is for entertainment purposes only, and please join us for the
next episode. Whatever you may do to help.
Music.
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