April 16, 2024 • 43 mins
Finding Time is our attempt to dedicate part of each week and let other people listen in on a conversation as we try to Connect, Dream, Laugh, & Grow. This first episode will hopefully not be our last and not be our best, but it's a start. Today we covered some basic background as to why we wanted to start a podcast and discuss a few interesting data points from research on why it's so important to find quality time together as a married couple.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
Okay, welcome to the Finding Time podcast as we try to record our first ever episode.
My name is Dan. And I'm Chelsea. And we came up with this idea to try to spend
some intentional time together as we have four young kids.
We both work our jobs. We have a lot going on in our day-to-day life.
(00:28):
And this kind of came out of a long, several months discussion of how do we spend more time?
How do we talk and capture all of our fun nighttime conversations and also talking
to our friends and neighbors and things like that about what they listen to
and what they would like to hear out of a podcast.
That was kind of the root of it, right? right? True.
(00:50):
Basically, Dan just thought, hey, let's find time to have productive conversation.
And in the meantime, let's record it and make a podcast. Well, it's 2024.
And generally, I don't like sharing things.
But in this case, if it's structured and I could get my teeth into it,
(01:10):
I thought it'd be a fun idea to throw some mics in front of our face and maybe
come up with some fun ideas that other people will latch And I am here for the ride. Yes, you are.
So this is one of my latest interests, I would say, that you always kind of
give me crap for. I call the interest phases.
Dan has phases. We are in the podcast phase. Or for my Swifties,
(01:34):
the podcast era. Oh, goodness.
So I don't call them phases. I think they're interests.
And I like to be curious and forward thinking.
Thinking and this one i thought
was a good one that we could finally connect on because some of my interests don't
necessarily include you but they always lead
to something fun that i can add to my arsenal of of skills and talents we're
(01:59):
forward thinking right we're trying to grow there you go so there's a couple
things around the idea for this podcast because we kicked a lot of ideas Should
it just be parenting, relationships,
couples, kids, other stuff?
We kind of have like a narrow niche of interest and we try to figure out where's
(02:19):
the best overlap, what kind of people would listen to it.
Honestly, because this was sort of just like a pet project. My thought was even
if we just spend once a week talking to each other and nobody ever listens to it, we can save them all.
I think YouTube is free. We can upload some audio or some video to YouTube.
And then in 20 years, our kids can watch us like a little relationship time capsule.
(02:42):
Yeah. And they could think, wow, my parents were really cool.
Or they can think, wow, I cannot believe we're still alive and well.
Oh, God. Depending on what we discuss. Yeah.
But maybe people will like to listen. So we wanted to have, I wanted to have
some structure and clear guidelines because we're not, I would say, creative people.
(03:05):
No, definitely not. We're like, tell us what to do.
Well, I make the lists and tell you what to do normally in our day to day.
But since this is a phase, Dan kind of is taking control of this and I really
am just here for the ride or here for the conversation.
Conversation so i prefer yeah a
(03:28):
decent amount of structure i like to put a lot of thought into what
whatever i'm working on and and so for the this podcast we came up with i think
four categories maybe we'll grow but at least four categories or themes to keep
us on track right so we're gonna find time to connect we'll find time to dream
(03:49):
we'll find time to laugh and we'll find time to grow.
And each episode, I would say today is probably a mix of connect and laugh,
although it could be all four, but we're going to try to hone in on one.
So it might be a topic that we just want to connect on and we'll talk about that for 30 minutes.
It might be something we want to dream about, like when we're going to buy a
(04:10):
farm or a ranch and get a bunch of chickens and cows and stuff.
It could be something we want to laugh about, like a parenting challenge or
something we want to grow on.
And ideally, we'd love to talk to other people too, experts in different fields
and parents from around the country,
around the world of unique backgrounds and experiences that kind of lean into
(04:31):
these themes and hopefully help us grow as parents or grow as husband and wife.
True. And I think that's why we kind of then came to the agreement on finding time.
So it kept it a little bit more broad because when we are making this intentional time,
we obviously have a lot of stuff to say about our kids and parenting,
(04:53):
but we don't want that to be our only focus of conversation all the time.
Yeah. Staying on one topic is not one of our strong suits, right?
Very true. Dan always says we like talk passing by in the kitchen and then then
I forget what he was saying. And then I bring up something else.
And then we go back to the original point, maybe 20 minutes later.
(05:17):
I was, yeah. And I make fun of you a lot for this. And I know it's not just
you. You've showed me evidence online and things like that. That's not just you.
And there's this funny experiment back from my days of psychology in college. Another phase.
That was not a phase. That is a minor degree that I achieved in college.
(05:38):
But sure. So one of the, it's a famous study that's been replicated in commercials
and all that kind of stuff where you go up to a bank or a restaurant or something
and there's someone behind the counter.
And the person comes in and they ask for something and the person working there
will say, sure, give me a second. I got to go check.
(06:00):
And the person who asked the question will get distracted. Somebody will come
out to talk to them. Someone will pull them away.
Maybe somehow or other, they try to divert their attention.
And then the worker either ducks behind a counter or goes into the back room
and then they come back out as a different person, different clothes.
Maybe they look similar and they have a blue shirt on versus a green shirt.
(06:22):
Maybe it's a completely different person. And the study is to see how well people really pay attention.
If I come in and I order a pizza and then you go in the back and then someone
who's a little bit taller with brown hair or red hair comes out,
will I notice, will I question it?
And a lot of the time people don't notice. And I say that because talking to
(06:43):
you is like that study where where we'll have one discussion and then you'll
disappear into the back room and then you'll come back out in a completely new
discussion and like mid-sentence too.
Just we'll talk about what was going on in my day and then something that happened
here and you called your grandparents and then you'll leave the kitchen and
then you'll come back and say, yeah, but I think when Grayson's teacher said
(07:05):
this, we have to get ready for a science experiment.
And I'm saying, wait, what does that have to do with your grandparents that
we were just talking about? So I was trying to think of a good example simple to highlight.
That is true. You never told me that study before, but that was pretty,
that was a good way to put it.
However, I will say, I think I could look up data or that's your area to look
(07:30):
up data that it's just normal when you have four kids and everybody's kind of running circles.
Goals. It is just like the normal.
I hope eventually my brain learns to refocus in, but right now it's not happening.
Yeah. I won't hold my breath. So speaking of data, you're right.
(07:50):
I wanted to have some background as we thought about our first discussion point,
which is really just broadly finding time.
Why mainly do we want to find time?
Like you said, we have four young kids. We're busy.
We definitely keep ourselves active and doing things. We try to keep them them entertained.
I'd say we're higher on the hands-on spectrum in terms of just keeping them
(08:13):
entertained and playing with them and that kind of stuff, which takes away from our time.
And they're young, so they just need so much attention. So finding time is a valuable commodity.
But I did see this report out of the Office of National Statistics,
I think it's from England, that it It said couples spend on average two and
a half hours together per week.
(08:35):
Okay. So two and a half hours of quality time? I wouldn't say so.
So I thought I questioned the same thing.
And when I first saw two and a half hours, I thought, man, that's a lot because
we don't get two and a half hours of quality time.
But then when I read further down, the top three categories were watching TV
(08:55):
together, eating meals, and housework. So that's, that's literally just like.
Very true. And we are actually, for now, while the kids are young and sports
are not such a big thing, we do make sure to have dinner together every night.
I do love that about all of us. Yes, that's a big one.
(09:16):
I'd be curious to know if anybody listens to this or if we get feedback,
like what every, I'll say modern family's thoughts are on that.
I know when the kids get older, it'll be near impossible.
You know, we'll have lacrosse practice in the spring. And as we have two kids
in sports or three or four kids in sports and after school activities,
(09:36):
it is going to get really hard.
But at least right now and pretty much every day where it's a possibility,
dinner together at the table is like a must, right?
Very true. And I think even as the schedules change, we'll still work to make that a priority.
Yeah. So that alone gives us like 20 minutes at the table. I mean,
(09:59):
the boys are up within 10 and then back.
But at least we're sitting there. I would say that could count at least for 20 minutes a day.
Easily. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I just don't know how I mean, quality time as
far as the family goes this far. Now, this was just couples.
So this was just I think it's specified married couples, but just couples.
(10:20):
So that is not couple quality time because the kids are there.
And generally, you and I don't get a word, don't get a word in until they leave the table.
OK, so two and a half hours. I don't know that we do get that then.
I don't think so. But it did. So let's pose this question. Why is it so important?
(10:42):
What is like the magic number or why is it so important to connect and find quality time?
I would just think, again, this is not me looking up data, more so social media
content and talking to friends and family.
We just want to always make sure we're connecting as
a couple versus just as parents
(11:03):
because then I don't even like thinking this
but they say like when the kids get older and you no
longer have to parent them so much or they're not
so needy you still have to know and almost relearn how to act as a couple if
you don't do it within the time while your kids are growing yeah that's true
(11:23):
There will be a lot of downtime for us after a long time parenting kids.
It will be weird. But we got a lot of you.
Well, if it's anything like nowadays, we'll have them forever.
I'm fine with that. That is your dream. That is a whole nother topic,
how long the kids are allowed to stay around.
(11:46):
So I think there's a lot of different answers for everybody is like how much
time you should spend together, what the right amount of time is.
And there's different ways to look at that. And everybody's life is obviously
different based on what they do with their significant other.
But I did see a study out of the Gottman Institute, which it's funny because
as soon as I clicked on that, like the next day I had like two ads about being
(12:10):
part of a marriage survey for them.
And I think I heard them reference on another podcast. So, you know,
I think part of that is, is the advertising world where they just know that
I looked it up and now it's going to be all over my feed probably.
And I'll be, you know, I've said it here, so it'll probably be more in my feed and maybe your feed.
Who knows? We'll see. But now that people have heard of that name,
(12:31):
it might crop up more. But I think it's a pretty reputable institute.
They're kind of like the leading authority on marriage studies and relationship
studies for a very long time from a sociological perspective, I guess.
And so they have this theory that they came up with that's called the magic six.
They say taking a step up from two and a half hours, that's six hours per week
(12:52):
for a married couple is the magic number. This is what it'll take to be connected
and have a good, long, fulfilling marriage. Wow.
So if we don't think we get two and a half, I do not think we get six.
However, to question this institute, I would have to say right now our kids
(13:13):
are so young and there is four of them.
We said we have four kids, but they're all five years and under.
So I think it kind of depends on your phase in life so much,
how many hours you're getting.
Unless you want to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4 a.m.
Every day to get in those extra hours with each other. Listen, you got to prioritize.
(13:35):
No, thank you. I'll prioritize sleep and watching a show. Yeah.
So six seems like a lot, but there were a couple of easy things,
I think, in what they recommended. So the first one, it kind of goes,
that doesn't really go chronologically. The first one is two minutes, two minutes per day.
So that's 14 minutes a week, a very small investment, or just as have a formal
(13:58):
goodbye with your winner.
Don't just kind of say bye and rush out the door, but actually step to them,
you know, give them a hug, give them a kiss, say goodbye, say have a nice day.
You know, a lot of times, honestly, we're getting Grayson ready for school or
packing up or rushing out.
We're getting coats on and, you know, he might get, you know,
five goodbyes and 10 kisses.
But meanwhile, I'm doing things and you're doing things.
(14:22):
So by the time we're rushing out the door, it is a very quick just see ya.
Like, that's it. No, that is true. I mean, we could be more intentional,
but at the same time, I just don't see how that could be a habit to be take
two minutes to say goodbye.
We do like a quick kiss and then you're out the door. I'm out the door. Right.
(14:45):
But two minutes, it's long and it's not long. Right. Like, it is kind of long to say goodbye.
Yes. To come up with like a long, like NBA style secret handshake that takes
45 seconds and then a kiss and then a hug and then, and then still have to fill another 30 seconds.
So I don't know. We'll have to practice a few things. Two minutes is long, but I get it.
(15:09):
Throw some, you know, a quick conversation in there.
You know, you could get there. What was, you made me think of this when you
said that. What was my new year's resolution that I completely have failed on?
Oh my goodness. it was again another something he
looked up it was that you
should hug your significant other for six seconds
(15:30):
every day right and that was your new year's
resolution hug and kiss and so that you've done that six times no not we did
it i think for like i think for a week or two we were doing it the first couple
were definitely awkward you are not a fan of affection i would say so And neither
are the boys with us having affection.
(15:53):
They just want my affection. Yes.
That is something I would like to know from other people who had kids either
the same age, boy, girl, whatever, if they're for parental affection or like
our boys completely against it.
And I mean, like if I am hugging you and they notice, it's just they just immediately attack.
(16:16):
They grab a sword. They hit me. Grayson punches me.
Get off my mommy blah blah blah and then they
give me the hugs it's like they want to just replace your
hug with their hug and again in this
phase i am totally fine with their cuddles yes
you are but you want them to learn a good lesson they should be affectionate
towards their partner they should you know appreciate personal space they should
(16:41):
not attack their father with swords unless we're playing a game and i think
they could learn a little bit of a valuable lesson before i start that are whooping their butts.
I'll let you take on that discipline.
Yeah, so anyways, affection, that's a fun one.
That's two minutes still is, I mean, this is 6XO, two minute goodbye is something to work on.
(17:01):
Going to the other end of the spectrum, they've recommended a 20 minute recap at the end of the day.
So if you multiply that out by seven days, that's 140 minutes,
it's a little over two hours.
20 minutes a day, just to recap your day, just, you know, hi,
honey, I'm home. How was your day? What'd you do?
Blah, blah, blah. Here's how my day was. And if you think about it,
(17:24):
really, that almost should be split somewhat evenly, you know,
kind of 10 minutes on your day, 10 minutes on my day.
It'll never be perfect, but something like that.
I do think, again, this is if you count with the kids, which I guess this is
not, but But our dinner conversation is usually recapping how was your work?
How was Grayson's school?
(17:45):
What crazy things did four of them do to me that day?
So since we kind of talk about that at the dinner table, we don't necessarily recap just you and me.
But we do tend to recap what's needed for the next day.
I guess that wouldn't be recapping, but we kind of say what's going to happen,
(18:08):
what's on our schedule for the next day and that takes
about 10 minutes some of the night i think
we're closest of the whole list we're definitely closest
to this one like some nights of you know that we'll let
them leave everyone's done eating and we will try to just have some time at
the table sometimes we probably get to 20 minutes but we do get a little bit
(18:28):
of a long time at the table just to you know do an informal recap it's also
something good to keep in mind to watch that But then,
you know, then it comes time to feed the babies and get the boys ready for bed.
So we're also like sitting around talking is a little bit of a luxury at that
time of the night. Very true.
I'm reading now five minutes admiration and appreciation.
(18:52):
I feel like that should be in the intentional goodbye and good morning.
I mean, not that that's a goodbye, but appreciation, your voicing.
We appreciate each other. I say thank you in passing.
Yeah. Yeah. I'd say we go in phases.
It's your hot word of the moment. We go in phases with that.
(19:13):
We're like, we're very appreciative. And then sometimes not for sure.
We take things for granted. But that's five minutes, you know,
aberration, appreciation.
That's, I'm happy to say, you know, good job. Great work as a mom today. You're awesome.
Thanks for cleaning up. But it also takes 30 seconds to get through all that. that.
So I don't think I saw any examples of how to get to five minutes of admiration and appreciation.
(19:38):
But I can see the value in that. If you told me how much you admire and appreciate
me five minutes every day, I'd feel pretty good about myself.
I would not feel good about myself.
I'm just kidding. No, I could not spend five minutes doing that.
But I think it would depend, Ben, again, on our recap of the day,
how much I appreciate you that time.
(20:02):
Day what you did that worked for our family or our kids or how your job went that day.
If you're in a good mood, all those things earn you more appreciation and admiration.
I think probably because I was looking up some of this stuff,
Googling different things to
try to be a little prepared or get some background of what to talk about.
(20:26):
My feed and my searches is getting skewed, but there was this guy,
he was, I think some kind of marriage counselor over, I don't know, Instagram reel.
So he shares like short bites of interesting marriage advice.
But anyways, it was like three deep questions that most couples are too afraid to ask.
And the first one that I don't think we'll get put on the spot to try to answer,
(20:50):
but the first one was, when is the last time that you are proud of me as a partner?
And then his second one was something about admiration too. So good theme.
He's he's got the right theme, but I do see that as not really something we
think about or talk about on a daily basis.
So, and again, it's five minutes, but really two, two and a half minutes a piece,
(21:11):
just, you know, patting each other on the back is an interesting, interesting topic.
The next five minute bubble that they say, again, five minutes per day is affection.
And that, as we've already covered, is not something you're interested in to
get for five minutes. every day.
(21:31):
I think of this one, they said like, you know, not touchy feely affection all
the way, but like handholding, cuddling before bed, sitting together on the
couch, kind of comfortably, you know, like things like that.
Maybe like a back rub, you know, like that's hands-on type thing,
a foot rub if it's needed.
So, but that's five minutes every day. That's a lot of touching.
(21:53):
I would be fine with a back rub for five minutes every day.
So would I, if anyone's offering. in there yeah i
think when you said about the two minutes of the goodbye in
the morning you automatically assume a goodbye
kiss so i feel like the gottman institute overlapped here and we could say we
(22:14):
follow this a little bit better i think and obviously i'm not an expert i've
read like two articles from their website and this was one of them but they're
definitely like leaning into to the affection thing,
like hands-on affection, spiritual kind of affection,
romantic, emotional type affection, physical affection, just they definitely lean into that.
(22:34):
So, you know, the goodbye can be a hug, a kiss, and then a couple of words.
This affection could be like little micro time together.
But, you know, it's just about find a way to fit it in or have a solid,
you know, so five minutes a
day is 35 minutes a week. You could find 35 minutes of affection section.
(22:55):
That's true. And I was going to say, I keep saying it's when the kids are around
because, well, we have four of them and they're always around.
But we do sit together on the couch. Sometimes they sit on the ends of us.
Sometimes they sit in the middle, but if they sit on the ends and we're next
to each other, that should count. That should, yeah.
But I think that's also kind of a rarity. Usually it's after dinner and then
(23:19):
there's cleanup and then there's either entertaining them or playing with them
or dealing with whatever chaos they're getting into.
So, but you're right. Sometimes that happens where we get to actually sit.
I think we'd definitely be more likely once we do sit that we get like 20 minutes
over the course of just one day versus five minutes to add up to 35 minutes.
(23:43):
For sure. Sure. We are way more likely to get like a 20 minute and a 15 minute
shot throughout the course of the week. Right.
Like on a Friday night, we usually, if we had a good week, we let them eat in
front of the TV and we get to sit on the couch,
which I read a meme or I saw a meme that says we didn't realize that our parents
(24:04):
doing pizza and dinner on the couch on a Friday night was really for them.
And that could not be more true.
Dan will get home from work and I'm like, all right, we're going to sit.
They have like little desk chairs.
Like, all right, we're going to sit on the desk chairs tonight and me and daddy
will eat on the couch with you.
(24:24):
And they get so excited. And when they grow up, they'll say,
oh, mommy and daddy did that for themselves. But it was a nice treat.
That's that's like that is a win win. They get a nice reward.
They feel happy. They get to watch a movie. It's a nice little treat.
And we're just exhausted and get to have a little bit of an easier night in
some ways sometimes. So last night, right?
(24:47):
Last night, Grayson tipped out of his chair, knocked the table,
and spilled his juice on the carpet.
Purple juice on the tan carpet. So that quickly ended, and then we went back to the table.
So that doesn't always work in our favor, I guess. But again, that's our kids.
They are young still. Finding time to clean out states.
(25:09):
There's an episode coming soon. So the last two things, these are the heavy
hitters in this list for everyone keeping track at home. It's a two hour,
or it says two hours of dating per week.
Now, again, that doesn't have to be a two hour date. It could be one two hour
date, could be a couple of hour long dates, a few 30 minute dates,
and they didn't specify like formal dates.
(25:31):
You can go out to dinner or something, but also, you know, they said micro dates,
just we've said this a bunch, but watching a movie together,
sitting on the couch together,
having dessert together without the kids going for a walk with something we
were doing, you know, when it's a little bit nicer out and stuff like that.
So that one I feel like is a tall task to get to two hours consistently.
(25:53):
But that is the target according to these people.
And I think a lot of this really depends on your phase of life.
With us having four kids and little childcare, little to no childcare,
we can't make date nights a priority every week.
I think you would probably want to, but I'm okay that we don't.
(26:17):
Only because a lot of things we want to do or places we want to eat where you're
like, oh, I think the kids would really enjoy that too. And then we end up bringing them along.
Sometimes we should prioritize that more, but maybe as they're getting older.
Because I do know the importance of that.
We just aren't thinking that way a lot of times right now. No,
(26:38):
no, definitely not. Yeah.
I'm not crazy about like a weekly date night. You know, I like you,
but we get enough time together.
I thought we don't get enough time together. We're trying to find time that fits our styles.
Going out to dinner is just like maybe once a month, I think would be nice.
(27:00):
Twice a month would be like a real like treat.
But once a week is I'd rather us do other things. So I'll put it that way because it is a lot.
We got to find somebody to watch all four kids or split them up or bring that,
you know, it's just, it's a lot logistically.
And then the timing is a big factor because we got bedtimes, you got feet.
It just doesn't really add up. We always kind of said our sweet spot is actually more like lunchtime.
(27:24):
You know, we kind of have naps coming up right after it's a little bit easier.
It's not busy places, but you know, that might be, that might be our sweet spot
when, whenever that time comes.
We do know couples who prioritize date nights at least once a week.
And a lot of times we think, oh, that's great.
(27:44):
But we also just don't find that we need to do that right now.
However, are you saying you don't want to take me out on a date and you're just
making it easy on yourself?
Oh, no, no. I think I'm saying I want to do something specifically.
Specifically we're not fans of well let's
(28:06):
let's put a pin in that because i think i want to formulate some thoughts
and then we'll circle back in a minute with it
after we finish this list because the last item
is a one hour each week state of the union and this kind of was like all together
so a sunday is a good day for this but just sitting down for an hour and recapping
(28:26):
how are we doing how did the week go what's what are our challenges going to
next next week? What do we do well? What do we not do well?
And just kind of check in together, have like a little mini couples therapy
session amongst yourselves and make sure things are staying on track because
it is easy for a couple of weeks to go by and you feel like things are going off the rails.
And then, you know, you huddle up and take a breath and just say,
(28:48):
Jesus, the last month really got away from us.
So once a week, you're just kind of checking in and staying on track and sharing
your thoughts and feelings. I think that is a good target.
I feel like we We do this in our own version, but not every week.
I think we definitely do this. It's not so much intentional,
but I definitely think we kind of know when things are going sour and then we
(29:13):
do make sure to get back on track just because of having such a big family so
quickly and they're so young.
We need to actually be the...
What's the word? We have to be the stability for everyone and make sure that we're okay.
Yeah. So that way the entire family and all the kids are okay.
(29:35):
Yes, that is true. Our kids, our extended family.
Yeah. There's a lot that kind of relies on us to be stable and functioning and
firing on all cylinders.
I'll say that things can run smoothly. That is true.
And, you know, we want to make sure the kids grow up thinking that everything
was good and stable, even during the times when it wasn't going well for whatever reason.
(29:57):
Even when we have seven appointments in three days.
And I do think overall, we keep track of that pretty well and try to address that.
Even though I think like the last two years have got away from us.
You said you easily let the months get away.
We, the last two years have got away from us. Yeah, they have for sure.
(30:18):
The twins have a lot to do with that. that there's just
like months that were a blur and then you
know time goes fast with little ones growing up so
that the last two years have have very much been at nascar speeds we gotta we
gotta do a better job slowing it down but that's that's old old old wisdom i
(30:39):
think from everyone everyone says that so that's nothing new so if anyone was
keeping tabs at home for your math you got your You have two minutes in the morning,
an intentional goodbye. There's 14 minutes a week there.
Your 20 minute recaps each day is 140 minutes, a little over two hours.
And then your five minutes of admiration, appreciation, your five minutes of affection.
(31:00):
So a little bit over an hour between those two, but you're about three hours
total for those, those three items.
And then your two hours of dating, your one hour of, of, you know,
state of the relationship.
And that's your six. It's a solid six. I'll say it's a, it's a good, it's a good idea.
I respect anyone who can kind of, you know, come up with their own version of
(31:23):
this, you know, no one's going to follow this exclusively, but come up with
their own version of just saying, this is what I think we need every week.
I think there's periods where if you're intentionally doing this and checking
in and saying like, Hey, we got two hours together, three hours together this
week, but we feel good. I think that's, that's a win.
If you got an hour together and you both agree, we need a little bit more than
(31:43):
that. cause things just aren't vibing, then that's a win too.
I think pointing out the problem is, is not a bad thing.
I would agree with that. I think maybe some weeks we could use the six hours
to catch up and talk and have our time alone.
But other weeks we're fine with just an hour. We all feel connected.
(32:04):
The kids are, everything's going well with the kids. And then,
you know, if we're both happy, the family's happy.
And I think the number could vary each week. Yeah.
Yeah. I think it was one thing I would say with this, like anyone who wants
to do this, It's easy to not want to bring it up.
You never want to feel like there's an issue or things aren't going well.
(32:26):
I think that is probably one of our better qualities together.
We've known each other a very long time.
There's not really much of a filter or tiptoeing. I know that's not the case
in every relationship, but if you feel like there's a problem,
you say there's a problem.
And we're not two people, I think, that seek out confrontation.
(32:46):
But we both kind of enjoy a good debate, I would say. Not like an aggressive
argument, but like a debate.
Here's some facts. Here's some things I'm seeing.
What are your thoughts on them? Even if it's going to be a little controversial
or upsetting for a moment, it usually leads to a good outcome. That's true.
And I think us knowing each other so long and just going to a big family in
(33:12):
less than five years really helped us just know when things are going sour quickly
and just get ourselves back on track.
So I think, I think that's a whole, that's a whole episode.
We'll save that if anyone wants to give their thoughts or recommendations after
the fact, something, something around conflict resolution and healthy, healthy conflict.
(33:36):
I preach that all the time at work. I was just like, healthy conflict is a good thing.
And anyone who doesn't think so is generally not someone, you know,
you want to be working with or in a relationship with or trusting because you
need to have, you know, healthy conflict.
So I stopped our conversation around what? around dating.
Cause I think the last part of this, as I was looking up just ways that couples
(33:58):
can connect and spend, just, it's about finding time for couples,
for parents, for whoever, how you're finding time.
I saw a couple of things. It was like, here's seven ideas that spend quality
time together, whatever.
And most of them, I kind of like laughed and it was just like,
absolutely not. That is not a good way for us to spend time together.
So about the dates, that was one of them where it said like go on a date every week.
(34:22):
And I said, said no or you know
to the computer so that's not a good idea because we don't
like new restaurants right so that leads me
to the first thing from the list which was ways to spend more
time together new activities absolutely not we do
not like new things but i think i am
i like to try new things but probably just
(34:43):
once and then you'd probably feel
like it was a wasted date like i say i want
to try axe throwing and then you say i would hate axe throwing and then we just
don't go yeah because i think it would be fun but you actually i don't think
you actually want to go axe throw i would like to try it i think i would be
(35:04):
good at it and you wouldn't and then i like that.
God. Okay, sure. We will go axe throwing. We'll let everybody know how it goes.
That's very nice of you to pretend you're adventurous. What are some other new activity?
Because I am firmly on our time is valuable. It is very limited.
We want to do things we like. We're not going to do things that I guess we don't like.
(35:30):
This is not a new activity, but what you just said said made me
think of this remember when we just had the two the
two boys and we let my dad watch
them for like the first time and he said you know go out to dinner but instead
we just quickly picked up dinner at Wegmans and then went shopping at Kohl's
because we both wanted new clothes that was so much better of like a productive
(35:54):
date I think you could call it I would do that I would do that once a week.
I'm completely game for a quick dinner at Wegmans or a quick pickup food.
And then yeah, go to Kohl's, go to Target, go somewhere fun and get some cool things.
Now that I'm on board for because it's not new. We know we like that. There's no surprises.
(36:17):
We're going to have a good time.
Yeah, that I can get behind. As far as the things we won't find time for,
I think new activities just jumped out to me because, again,
this was on a list of fun ways to spend quality time. Try something new with your partner.
And I just had a laugh. Maybe other couples have a lot of time on their hands.
I don't know. But we're just not like new activity.
(36:38):
Try something exciting. When it comes to meals, and this was what I was thinking
about with your dinner and date night comment, as far as meals go,
we are very picky with restaurants.
Like we have good meals at home.
I think we eat a lot as a family. We're both like heavier eaters.
Generally a meal at a restaurant is not enough.
(37:01):
You know, like we're, we're those kinds of people where we're hungry or we like to get a lot.
We like appetizers. We likes desserts. desserts so you know
we go to a restaurant and if it's
not good it just feels like a waste if my steak wasn't
good if the fries are no good the vegetables are soggy if
they're you know we fine-tune your pasta dishes like you can't get what you
(37:22):
like at restaurants as much i don't think we like new restaurants i think that's
probably true i would be more open to trying new restaurants because i try not
to look at the menu but you are like oh that's this type of restaurant we're
not I'm not going to try that.
Yes, I inform you of what you bring up. Let's go try this restaurant.
(37:43):
And I say, oh, it's this type of food. You don't even like that. And you agree.
So that's me just helping you save some money.
I think us being in the very parent phase, I'm very much in the mom phase right now.
New activities may seem like a waste because if or when we get a date night
(38:05):
and find someone to watch for children, we do want it to be a good date.
I agree with what you're saying. Yeah.
So, all right. So moving on from that, the other couple ones I thought were humorous.
One and this is just different i feel like for every
people but it said like a family or social gathering is
a fun way to spend quality time with your partner a hundred
(38:27):
percent though i mean you have to put it in context it's just because there's
really not any magic place that is great for a five-year-old a three-year-old
and two one-year-olds beginning to walk that we don't have to constantly be
watching them and making sure they're safe.
So the gathering itself is more so more work for us.
(38:52):
Yes. Yeah. We love, so to be clear, we love family gatherings.
We love social gatherings. We really do.
It's just, you know, my family's bigger and even like our cousin,
like the boys' cousins, if they can watch the boys or keep them entertained,
I want to talk to my brother or sister.
Like we want to have a conversation with other adults with no kids around.
(39:14):
It's not quality time for us. It's just quality family time.
If we're with, you know, your dad or your grandparents or something, same thing.
Like the boys might be entertained, but we're not having, we're not sitting
by ourselves having quality time.
We're having pie, you know, with feeding the twins, having dessert, having.
(39:35):
I like to sit down and have a drink. There's lots of things,
but I do still think when we do the family gatherings, they're like a breath of fresh air.
The boys have fun. No, it's family time.
Family time. Let's call it that. And then the last one that I just wanted to
get your laugh at was going to bed at the same time.
These people say going to bed together is a great way to spend quality time.
(39:57):
I like to go to bed by myself first and just, you know, not have the pressure
of him falling asleep before me.
And then I will not fall asleep the entire night.
I need to be asleep before he comes to bed or I just will get mad at you,
honestly, for being asleep first.
(40:19):
Yeah. Yeah. It's wonderful. So no matter how tired I am, and I think my body
just kind of adapted to this, but no matter how tired I am, I know I'm just
exiled to downstairs for like an hour or so. Let you have your time, let you fall asleep.
And then I can come up peacefully and go to sleep myself.
But this is not fully true because you can't fall asleep by 9, 930.
(40:43):
No. I can. So it's not that I'm kicking you out of the bed. It's just what works for us.
It's good balance, maybe. It has worked out, mostly.
But then, really, it's not. It's actually the flip side, I think,
is because you don't want to go to bed together so you can have your early rest
and I can come up after I've done my nighttime stuff, like hanging out and unwinding and stuff.
(41:06):
We actually don't really get to spend together time at night because you want
to get to bed and I want to hang out and watch a movie or whatever.
If we had like nighttime together, then it would be a tricky spot.
You know, would you allow me to come up to bed since it's 10 o'clock after a
movie and I'm tired? Or would you say, stay down here for 30 minutes so I can fall asleep?
(41:28):
But I've never said that. Like, I've never said that we can't go to bed at the same time.
It's just that I know I will not have a good sleep if you go to sleep before
me. Right. It doesn't have to be said.
These are rules that I know. They're ingrained in my brain.
And this is definitely, again, being in such a mom phase because the boys will
(41:51):
keep me for their bedtime routine until I'm ready for my bedtime routine.
Even if we get them down by 7.30, they just want to hang out with me until nine o'clock.
Yeah, it'll still be 8.20 before you roll into bed. Very true.
That I think is everything for today.
I'm happy we found the time today to kind of talk about this and break into
(42:16):
some of these initial ideas.
I think there's a lot of stuff swarming around in our heads that we just want
to hit on, whether it's, you know, for the relationship, a lot of it will be
like parenting, careers.
I would definitely love to talk to some outside experts and get their thoughts
on a variety of topics related to parenting and kids and all that kind of stuff
(42:38):
and how they keep their lives balanced and what they find time for, you know?
So I think that'll be interesting if we can keep this thing going.
That will be so fun to talk to someone else. No, I'm just kidding.
Could Grayson be a guest on the podcast? No. That would be so fun.
We need an age limit, maybe.
Okay, maybe. We'll see. We'll see. But no, I like finding time to actually sit
(43:01):
and talk to you, even though I have the running to-do list in the back of my
head for these 30 minutes. Oh my goodness.
Well, you can go get to some work. I gotta get to some work.
And that is all of our time for today. So thank you everybody who found this.
And hopefully you had as good of a time listening as we did having our first conversation. Bye.
Music.
(00:07):
Okay, welcome to the Finding Time podcast as we try to record our first ever episode.
My name is Dan. And I'm Chelsea. And we came up with this idea to try to spend
some intentional time together as we have four young kids.
We both work our jobs. We have a lot going on in our day-to-day life.
(00:28):
And this kind of came out of a long, several months discussion of how do we spend more time?
How do we talk and capture all of our fun nighttime conversations and also talking
to our friends and neighbors and things like that about what they listen to
and what they would like to hear out of a podcast.
That was kind of the root of it, right? right? True.
(00:50):
Basically, Dan just thought, hey, let's find time to have productive conversation.
And in the meantime, let's record it and make a podcast. Well, it's 2024.
And generally, I don't like sharing things.
But in this case, if it's structured and I could get my teeth into it,
(01:10):
I thought it'd be a fun idea to throw some mics in front of our face and maybe
come up with some fun ideas that other people will latch And I am here for the ride. Yes, you are.
So this is one of my latest interests, I would say, that you always kind of
give me crap for. I call the interest phases.
Dan has phases. We are in the podcast phase. Or for my Swifties,
(01:34):
the podcast era. Oh, goodness.
So I don't call them phases. I think they're interests.
And I like to be curious and forward thinking.
Thinking and this one i thought
was a good one that we could finally connect on because some of my interests don't
necessarily include you but they always lead
to something fun that i can add to my arsenal of of skills and talents we're
(01:59):
forward thinking right we're trying to grow there you go so there's a couple
things around the idea for this podcast because we kicked a lot of ideas Should
it just be parenting, relationships,
couples, kids, other stuff?
We kind of have like a narrow niche of interest and we try to figure out where's
(02:19):
the best overlap, what kind of people would listen to it.
Honestly, because this was sort of just like a pet project. My thought was even
if we just spend once a week talking to each other and nobody ever listens to it, we can save them all.
I think YouTube is free. We can upload some audio or some video to YouTube.
And then in 20 years, our kids can watch us like a little relationship time capsule.
(02:42):
Yeah. And they could think, wow, my parents were really cool.
Or they can think, wow, I cannot believe we're still alive and well.
Oh, God. Depending on what we discuss. Yeah.
But maybe people will like to listen. So we wanted to have, I wanted to have
some structure and clear guidelines because we're not, I would say, creative people.
(03:05):
No, definitely not. We're like, tell us what to do.
Well, I make the lists and tell you what to do normally in our day to day.
But since this is a phase, Dan kind of is taking control of this and I really
am just here for the ride or here for the conversation.
Conversation so i prefer yeah a
(03:28):
decent amount of structure i like to put a lot of thought into what
whatever i'm working on and and so for the this podcast we came up with i think
four categories maybe we'll grow but at least four categories or themes to keep
us on track right so we're gonna find time to connect we'll find time to dream
(03:49):
we'll find time to laugh and we'll find time to grow.
And each episode, I would say today is probably a mix of connect and laugh,
although it could be all four, but we're going to try to hone in on one.
So it might be a topic that we just want to connect on and we'll talk about that for 30 minutes.
It might be something we want to dream about, like when we're going to buy a
(04:10):
farm or a ranch and get a bunch of chickens and cows and stuff.
It could be something we want to laugh about, like a parenting challenge or
something we want to grow on.
And ideally, we'd love to talk to other people too, experts in different fields
and parents from around the country,
around the world of unique backgrounds and experiences that kind of lean into
(04:31):
these themes and hopefully help us grow as parents or grow as husband and wife.
True. And I think that's why we kind of then came to the agreement on finding time.
So it kept it a little bit more broad because when we are making this intentional time,
we obviously have a lot of stuff to say about our kids and parenting,
(04:53):
but we don't want that to be our only focus of conversation all the time.
Yeah. Staying on one topic is not one of our strong suits, right?
Very true. Dan always says we like talk passing by in the kitchen and then then
I forget what he was saying. And then I bring up something else.
And then we go back to the original point, maybe 20 minutes later.
(05:17):
I was, yeah. And I make fun of you a lot for this. And I know it's not just
you. You've showed me evidence online and things like that. That's not just you.
And there's this funny experiment back from my days of psychology in college. Another phase.
That was not a phase. That is a minor degree that I achieved in college.
(05:38):
But sure. So one of the, it's a famous study that's been replicated in commercials
and all that kind of stuff where you go up to a bank or a restaurant or something
and there's someone behind the counter.
And the person comes in and they ask for something and the person working there
will say, sure, give me a second. I got to go check.
(06:00):
And the person who asked the question will get distracted. Somebody will come
out to talk to them. Someone will pull them away.
Maybe somehow or other, they try to divert their attention.
And then the worker either ducks behind a counter or goes into the back room
and then they come back out as a different person, different clothes.
Maybe they look similar and they have a blue shirt on versus a green shirt.
(06:22):
Maybe it's a completely different person. And the study is to see how well people really pay attention.
If I come in and I order a pizza and then you go in the back and then someone
who's a little bit taller with brown hair or red hair comes out,
will I notice, will I question it?
And a lot of the time people don't notice. And I say that because talking to
(06:43):
you is like that study where where we'll have one discussion and then you'll
disappear into the back room and then you'll come back out in a completely new
discussion and like mid-sentence too.
Just we'll talk about what was going on in my day and then something that happened
here and you called your grandparents and then you'll leave the kitchen and
then you'll come back and say, yeah, but I think when Grayson's teacher said
(07:05):
this, we have to get ready for a science experiment.
And I'm saying, wait, what does that have to do with your grandparents that
we were just talking about? So I was trying to think of a good example simple to highlight.
That is true. You never told me that study before, but that was pretty,
that was a good way to put it.
However, I will say, I think I could look up data or that's your area to look
(07:30):
up data that it's just normal when you have four kids and everybody's kind of running circles.
Goals. It is just like the normal.
I hope eventually my brain learns to refocus in, but right now it's not happening.
Yeah. I won't hold my breath. So speaking of data, you're right.
(07:50):
I wanted to have some background as we thought about our first discussion point,
which is really just broadly finding time.
Why mainly do we want to find time?
Like you said, we have four young kids. We're busy.
We definitely keep ourselves active and doing things. We try to keep them them entertained.
I'd say we're higher on the hands-on spectrum in terms of just keeping them
(08:13):
entertained and playing with them and that kind of stuff, which takes away from our time.
And they're young, so they just need so much attention. So finding time is a valuable commodity.
But I did see this report out of the Office of National Statistics,
I think it's from England, that it It said couples spend on average two and
a half hours together per week.
(08:35):
Okay. So two and a half hours of quality time? I wouldn't say so.
So I thought I questioned the same thing.
And when I first saw two and a half hours, I thought, man, that's a lot because
we don't get two and a half hours of quality time.
But then when I read further down, the top three categories were watching TV
(08:55):
together, eating meals, and housework. So that's, that's literally just like.
Very true. And we are actually, for now, while the kids are young and sports
are not such a big thing, we do make sure to have dinner together every night.
I do love that about all of us. Yes, that's a big one.
(09:16):
I'd be curious to know if anybody listens to this or if we get feedback,
like what every, I'll say modern family's thoughts are on that.
I know when the kids get older, it'll be near impossible.
You know, we'll have lacrosse practice in the spring. And as we have two kids
in sports or three or four kids in sports and after school activities,
(09:36):
it is going to get really hard.
But at least right now and pretty much every day where it's a possibility,
dinner together at the table is like a must, right?
Very true. And I think even as the schedules change, we'll still work to make that a priority.
Yeah. So that alone gives us like 20 minutes at the table. I mean,
(09:59):
the boys are up within 10 and then back.
But at least we're sitting there. I would say that could count at least for 20 minutes a day.
Easily. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I just don't know how I mean, quality time as
far as the family goes this far. Now, this was just couples.
So this was just I think it's specified married couples, but just couples.
(10:20):
So that is not couple quality time because the kids are there.
And generally, you and I don't get a word, don't get a word in until they leave the table.
OK, so two and a half hours. I don't know that we do get that then.
I don't think so. But it did. So let's pose this question. Why is it so important?
(10:42):
What is like the magic number or why is it so important to connect and find quality time?
I would just think, again, this is not me looking up data, more so social media
content and talking to friends and family.
We just want to always make sure we're connecting as
a couple versus just as parents
(11:03):
because then I don't even like thinking this
but they say like when the kids get older and you no
longer have to parent them so much or they're not
so needy you still have to know and almost relearn how to act as a couple if
you don't do it within the time while your kids are growing yeah that's true
(11:23):
There will be a lot of downtime for us after a long time parenting kids.
It will be weird. But we got a lot of you.
Well, if it's anything like nowadays, we'll have them forever.
I'm fine with that. That is your dream. That is a whole nother topic,
how long the kids are allowed to stay around.
(11:46):
So I think there's a lot of different answers for everybody is like how much
time you should spend together, what the right amount of time is.
And there's different ways to look at that. And everybody's life is obviously
different based on what they do with their significant other.
But I did see a study out of the Gottman Institute, which it's funny because
as soon as I clicked on that, like the next day I had like two ads about being
(12:10):
part of a marriage survey for them.
And I think I heard them reference on another podcast. So, you know,
I think part of that is, is the advertising world where they just know that
I looked it up and now it's going to be all over my feed probably.
And I'll be, you know, I've said it here, so it'll probably be more in my feed and maybe your feed.
Who knows? We'll see. But now that people have heard of that name,
(12:31):
it might crop up more. But I think it's a pretty reputable institute.
They're kind of like the leading authority on marriage studies and relationship
studies for a very long time from a sociological perspective, I guess.
And so they have this theory that they came up with that's called the magic six.
They say taking a step up from two and a half hours, that's six hours per week
(12:52):
for a married couple is the magic number. This is what it'll take to be connected
and have a good, long, fulfilling marriage. Wow.
So if we don't think we get two and a half, I do not think we get six.
However, to question this institute, I would have to say right now our kids
(13:13):
are so young and there is four of them.
We said we have four kids, but they're all five years and under.
So I think it kind of depends on your phase in life so much,
how many hours you're getting.
Unless you want to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4 a.m.
Every day to get in those extra hours with each other. Listen, you got to prioritize.
(13:35):
No, thank you. I'll prioritize sleep and watching a show. Yeah.
So six seems like a lot, but there were a couple of easy things,
I think, in what they recommended. So the first one, it kind of goes,
that doesn't really go chronologically. The first one is two minutes, two minutes per day.
So that's 14 minutes a week, a very small investment, or just as have a formal
(13:58):
goodbye with your winner.
Don't just kind of say bye and rush out the door, but actually step to them,
you know, give them a hug, give them a kiss, say goodbye, say have a nice day.
You know, a lot of times, honestly, we're getting Grayson ready for school or
packing up or rushing out.
We're getting coats on and, you know, he might get, you know,
five goodbyes and 10 kisses.
But meanwhile, I'm doing things and you're doing things.
(14:22):
So by the time we're rushing out the door, it is a very quick just see ya.
Like, that's it. No, that is true. I mean, we could be more intentional,
but at the same time, I just don't see how that could be a habit to be take
two minutes to say goodbye.
We do like a quick kiss and then you're out the door. I'm out the door. Right.
(14:45):
But two minutes, it's long and it's not long. Right. Like, it is kind of long to say goodbye.
Yes. To come up with like a long, like NBA style secret handshake that takes
45 seconds and then a kiss and then a hug and then, and then still have to fill another 30 seconds.
So I don't know. We'll have to practice a few things. Two minutes is long, but I get it.
(15:09):
Throw some, you know, a quick conversation in there.
You know, you could get there. What was, you made me think of this when you
said that. What was my new year's resolution that I completely have failed on?
Oh my goodness. it was again another something he
looked up it was that you
should hug your significant other for six seconds
(15:30):
every day right and that was your new year's
resolution hug and kiss and so that you've done that six times no not we did
it i think for like i think for a week or two we were doing it the first couple
were definitely awkward you are not a fan of affection i would say so And neither
are the boys with us having affection.
(15:53):
They just want my affection. Yes.
That is something I would like to know from other people who had kids either
the same age, boy, girl, whatever, if they're for parental affection or like
our boys completely against it.
And I mean, like if I am hugging you and they notice, it's just they just immediately attack.
(16:16):
They grab a sword. They hit me. Grayson punches me.
Get off my mommy blah blah blah and then they
give me the hugs it's like they want to just replace your
hug with their hug and again in this
phase i am totally fine with their cuddles yes
you are but you want them to learn a good lesson they should be affectionate
towards their partner they should you know appreciate personal space they should
(16:41):
not attack their father with swords unless we're playing a game and i think
they could learn a little bit of a valuable lesson before i start that are whooping their butts.
I'll let you take on that discipline.
Yeah, so anyways, affection, that's a fun one.
That's two minutes still is, I mean, this is 6XO, two minute goodbye is something to work on.
(17:01):
Going to the other end of the spectrum, they've recommended a 20 minute recap at the end of the day.
So if you multiply that out by seven days, that's 140 minutes,
it's a little over two hours.
20 minutes a day, just to recap your day, just, you know, hi,
honey, I'm home. How was your day? What'd you do?
Blah, blah, blah. Here's how my day was. And if you think about it,
(17:24):
really, that almost should be split somewhat evenly, you know,
kind of 10 minutes on your day, 10 minutes on my day.
It'll never be perfect, but something like that.
I do think, again, this is if you count with the kids, which I guess this is
not, but But our dinner conversation is usually recapping how was your work?
How was Grayson's school?
(17:45):
What crazy things did four of them do to me that day?
So since we kind of talk about that at the dinner table, we don't necessarily recap just you and me.
But we do tend to recap what's needed for the next day.
I guess that wouldn't be recapping, but we kind of say what's going to happen,
(18:08):
what's on our schedule for the next day and that takes
about 10 minutes some of the night i think
we're closest of the whole list we're definitely closest
to this one like some nights of you know that we'll let
them leave everyone's done eating and we will try to just have some time at
the table sometimes we probably get to 20 minutes but we do get a little bit
(18:28):
of a long time at the table just to you know do an informal recap it's also
something good to keep in mind to watch that But then,
you know, then it comes time to feed the babies and get the boys ready for bed.
So we're also like sitting around talking is a little bit of a luxury at that
time of the night. Very true.
I'm reading now five minutes admiration and appreciation.
(18:52):
I feel like that should be in the intentional goodbye and good morning.
I mean, not that that's a goodbye, but appreciation, your voicing.
We appreciate each other. I say thank you in passing.
Yeah. Yeah. I'd say we go in phases.
It's your hot word of the moment. We go in phases with that.
(19:13):
We're like, we're very appreciative. And then sometimes not for sure.
We take things for granted. But that's five minutes, you know,
aberration, appreciation.
That's, I'm happy to say, you know, good job. Great work as a mom today. You're awesome.
Thanks for cleaning up. But it also takes 30 seconds to get through all that. that.
So I don't think I saw any examples of how to get to five minutes of admiration and appreciation.
(19:38):
But I can see the value in that. If you told me how much you admire and appreciate
me five minutes every day, I'd feel pretty good about myself.
I would not feel good about myself.
I'm just kidding. No, I could not spend five minutes doing that.
But I think it would depend, Ben, again, on our recap of the day,
how much I appreciate you that time.
(20:02):
Day what you did that worked for our family or our kids or how your job went that day.
If you're in a good mood, all those things earn you more appreciation and admiration.
I think probably because I was looking up some of this stuff,
Googling different things to
try to be a little prepared or get some background of what to talk about.
(20:26):
My feed and my searches is getting skewed, but there was this guy,
he was, I think some kind of marriage counselor over, I don't know, Instagram reel.
So he shares like short bites of interesting marriage advice.
But anyways, it was like three deep questions that most couples are too afraid to ask.
And the first one that I don't think we'll get put on the spot to try to answer,
(20:50):
but the first one was, when is the last time that you are proud of me as a partner?
And then his second one was something about admiration too. So good theme.
He's he's got the right theme, but I do see that as not really something we
think about or talk about on a daily basis.
So, and again, it's five minutes, but really two, two and a half minutes a piece,
(21:11):
just, you know, patting each other on the back is an interesting, interesting topic.
The next five minute bubble that they say, again, five minutes per day is affection.
And that, as we've already covered, is not something you're interested in to
get for five minutes. every day.
(21:31):
I think of this one, they said like, you know, not touchy feely affection all
the way, but like handholding, cuddling before bed, sitting together on the
couch, kind of comfortably, you know, like things like that.
Maybe like a back rub, you know, like that's hands-on type thing,
a foot rub if it's needed.
So, but that's five minutes every day. That's a lot of touching.
(21:53):
I would be fine with a back rub for five minutes every day.
So would I, if anyone's offering. in there yeah i
think when you said about the two minutes of the goodbye in
the morning you automatically assume a goodbye
kiss so i feel like the gottman institute overlapped here and we could say we
(22:14):
follow this a little bit better i think and obviously i'm not an expert i've
read like two articles from their website and this was one of them but they're
definitely like leaning into to the affection thing,
like hands-on affection, spiritual kind of affection,
romantic, emotional type affection, physical affection, just they definitely lean into that.
(22:34):
So, you know, the goodbye can be a hug, a kiss, and then a couple of words.
This affection could be like little micro time together.
But, you know, it's just about find a way to fit it in or have a solid,
you know, so five minutes a
day is 35 minutes a week. You could find 35 minutes of affection section.
(22:55):
That's true. And I was going to say, I keep saying it's when the kids are around
because, well, we have four of them and they're always around.
But we do sit together on the couch. Sometimes they sit on the ends of us.
Sometimes they sit in the middle, but if they sit on the ends and we're next
to each other, that should count. That should, yeah.
But I think that's also kind of a rarity. Usually it's after dinner and then
(23:19):
there's cleanup and then there's either entertaining them or playing with them
or dealing with whatever chaos they're getting into.
So, but you're right. Sometimes that happens where we get to actually sit.
I think we'd definitely be more likely once we do sit that we get like 20 minutes
over the course of just one day versus five minutes to add up to 35 minutes.
(23:43):
For sure. Sure. We are way more likely to get like a 20 minute and a 15 minute
shot throughout the course of the week. Right.
Like on a Friday night, we usually, if we had a good week, we let them eat in
front of the TV and we get to sit on the couch,
which I read a meme or I saw a meme that says we didn't realize that our parents
(24:04):
doing pizza and dinner on the couch on a Friday night was really for them.
And that could not be more true.
Dan will get home from work and I'm like, all right, we're going to sit.
They have like little desk chairs.
Like, all right, we're going to sit on the desk chairs tonight and me and daddy
will eat on the couch with you.
(24:24):
And they get so excited. And when they grow up, they'll say,
oh, mommy and daddy did that for themselves. But it was a nice treat.
That's that's like that is a win win. They get a nice reward.
They feel happy. They get to watch a movie. It's a nice little treat.
And we're just exhausted and get to have a little bit of an easier night in
some ways sometimes. So last night, right?
(24:47):
Last night, Grayson tipped out of his chair, knocked the table,
and spilled his juice on the carpet.
Purple juice on the tan carpet. So that quickly ended, and then we went back to the table.
So that doesn't always work in our favor, I guess. But again, that's our kids.
They are young still. Finding time to clean out states.
(25:09):
There's an episode coming soon. So the last two things, these are the heavy
hitters in this list for everyone keeping track at home. It's a two hour,
or it says two hours of dating per week.
Now, again, that doesn't have to be a two hour date. It could be one two hour
date, could be a couple of hour long dates, a few 30 minute dates,
and they didn't specify like formal dates.
(25:31):
You can go out to dinner or something, but also, you know, they said micro dates,
just we've said this a bunch, but watching a movie together,
sitting on the couch together,
having dessert together without the kids going for a walk with something we
were doing, you know, when it's a little bit nicer out and stuff like that.
So that one I feel like is a tall task to get to two hours consistently.
(25:53):
But that is the target according to these people.
And I think a lot of this really depends on your phase of life.
With us having four kids and little childcare, little to no childcare,
we can't make date nights a priority every week.
I think you would probably want to, but I'm okay that we don't.
(26:17):
Only because a lot of things we want to do or places we want to eat where you're
like, oh, I think the kids would really enjoy that too. And then we end up bringing them along.
Sometimes we should prioritize that more, but maybe as they're getting older.
Because I do know the importance of that.
We just aren't thinking that way a lot of times right now. No,
(26:38):
no, definitely not. Yeah.
I'm not crazy about like a weekly date night. You know, I like you,
but we get enough time together.
I thought we don't get enough time together. We're trying to find time that fits our styles.
Going out to dinner is just like maybe once a month, I think would be nice.
(27:00):
Twice a month would be like a real like treat.
But once a week is I'd rather us do other things. So I'll put it that way because it is a lot.
We got to find somebody to watch all four kids or split them up or bring that,
you know, it's just, it's a lot logistically.
And then the timing is a big factor because we got bedtimes, you got feet.
It just doesn't really add up. We always kind of said our sweet spot is actually more like lunchtime.
(27:24):
You know, we kind of have naps coming up right after it's a little bit easier.
It's not busy places, but you know, that might be, that might be our sweet spot
when, whenever that time comes.
We do know couples who prioritize date nights at least once a week.
And a lot of times we think, oh, that's great.
(27:44):
But we also just don't find that we need to do that right now.
However, are you saying you don't want to take me out on a date and you're just
making it easy on yourself?
Oh, no, no. I think I'm saying I want to do something specifically.
Specifically we're not fans of well let's
(28:06):
let's put a pin in that because i think i want to formulate some thoughts
and then we'll circle back in a minute with it
after we finish this list because the last item
is a one hour each week state of the union and this kind of was like all together
so a sunday is a good day for this but just sitting down for an hour and recapping
(28:26):
how are we doing how did the week go what's what are our challenges going to
next next week? What do we do well? What do we not do well?
And just kind of check in together, have like a little mini couples therapy
session amongst yourselves and make sure things are staying on track because
it is easy for a couple of weeks to go by and you feel like things are going off the rails.
And then, you know, you huddle up and take a breath and just say,
(28:48):
Jesus, the last month really got away from us.
So once a week, you're just kind of checking in and staying on track and sharing
your thoughts and feelings. I think that is a good target.
I feel like we We do this in our own version, but not every week.
I think we definitely do this. It's not so much intentional,
but I definitely think we kind of know when things are going sour and then we
(29:13):
do make sure to get back on track just because of having such a big family so
quickly and they're so young.
We need to actually be the...
What's the word? We have to be the stability for everyone and make sure that we're okay.
Yeah. So that way the entire family and all the kids are okay.
(29:35):
Yes, that is true. Our kids, our extended family.
Yeah. There's a lot that kind of relies on us to be stable and functioning and
firing on all cylinders.
I'll say that things can run smoothly. That is true.
And, you know, we want to make sure the kids grow up thinking that everything
was good and stable, even during the times when it wasn't going well for whatever reason.
(29:57):
Even when we have seven appointments in three days.
And I do think overall, we keep track of that pretty well and try to address that.
Even though I think like the last two years have got away from us.
You said you easily let the months get away.
We, the last two years have got away from us. Yeah, they have for sure.
(30:18):
The twins have a lot to do with that. that there's just
like months that were a blur and then you
know time goes fast with little ones growing up so
that the last two years have have very much been at nascar speeds we gotta we
gotta do a better job slowing it down but that's that's old old old wisdom i
(30:39):
think from everyone everyone says that so that's nothing new so if anyone was
keeping tabs at home for your math you got your You have two minutes in the morning,
an intentional goodbye. There's 14 minutes a week there.
Your 20 minute recaps each day is 140 minutes, a little over two hours.
And then your five minutes of admiration, appreciation, your five minutes of affection.
(31:00):
So a little bit over an hour between those two, but you're about three hours
total for those, those three items.
And then your two hours of dating, your one hour of, of, you know,
state of the relationship.
And that's your six. It's a solid six. I'll say it's a, it's a good, it's a good idea.
I respect anyone who can kind of, you know, come up with their own version of
(31:23):
this, you know, no one's going to follow this exclusively, but come up with
their own version of just saying, this is what I think we need every week.
I think there's periods where if you're intentionally doing this and checking
in and saying like, Hey, we got two hours together, three hours together this
week, but we feel good. I think that's, that's a win.
If you got an hour together and you both agree, we need a little bit more than
(31:43):
that. cause things just aren't vibing, then that's a win too.
I think pointing out the problem is, is not a bad thing.
I would agree with that. I think maybe some weeks we could use the six hours
to catch up and talk and have our time alone.
But other weeks we're fine with just an hour. We all feel connected.
(32:04):
The kids are, everything's going well with the kids. And then,
you know, if we're both happy, the family's happy.
And I think the number could vary each week. Yeah.
Yeah. I think it was one thing I would say with this, like anyone who wants
to do this, It's easy to not want to bring it up.
You never want to feel like there's an issue or things aren't going well.
(32:26):
I think that is probably one of our better qualities together.
We've known each other a very long time.
There's not really much of a filter or tiptoeing. I know that's not the case
in every relationship, but if you feel like there's a problem,
you say there's a problem.
And we're not two people, I think, that seek out confrontation.
(32:46):
But we both kind of enjoy a good debate, I would say. Not like an aggressive
argument, but like a debate.
Here's some facts. Here's some things I'm seeing.
What are your thoughts on them? Even if it's going to be a little controversial
or upsetting for a moment, it usually leads to a good outcome. That's true.
And I think us knowing each other so long and just going to a big family in
(33:12):
less than five years really helped us just know when things are going sour quickly
and just get ourselves back on track.
So I think, I think that's a whole, that's a whole episode.
We'll save that if anyone wants to give their thoughts or recommendations after
the fact, something, something around conflict resolution and healthy, healthy conflict.
(33:36):
I preach that all the time at work. I was just like, healthy conflict is a good thing.
And anyone who doesn't think so is generally not someone, you know,
you want to be working with or in a relationship with or trusting because you
need to have, you know, healthy conflict.
So I stopped our conversation around what? around dating.
Cause I think the last part of this, as I was looking up just ways that couples
(33:58):
can connect and spend, just, it's about finding time for couples,
for parents, for whoever, how you're finding time.
I saw a couple of things. It was like, here's seven ideas that spend quality
time together, whatever.
And most of them, I kind of like laughed and it was just like,
absolutely not. That is not a good way for us to spend time together.
So about the dates, that was one of them where it said like go on a date every week.
(34:22):
And I said, said no or you know
to the computer so that's not a good idea because we don't
like new restaurants right so that leads me
to the first thing from the list which was ways to spend more
time together new activities absolutely not we do
not like new things but i think i am
i like to try new things but probably just
(34:43):
once and then you'd probably feel
like it was a wasted date like i say i want
to try axe throwing and then you say i would hate axe throwing and then we just
don't go yeah because i think it would be fun but you actually i don't think
you actually want to go axe throw i would like to try it i think i would be
(35:04):
good at it and you wouldn't and then i like that.
God. Okay, sure. We will go axe throwing. We'll let everybody know how it goes.
That's very nice of you to pretend you're adventurous. What are some other new activity?
Because I am firmly on our time is valuable. It is very limited.
We want to do things we like. We're not going to do things that I guess we don't like.
(35:30):
This is not a new activity, but what you just said said made me
think of this remember when we just had the two the
two boys and we let my dad watch
them for like the first time and he said you know go out to dinner but instead
we just quickly picked up dinner at Wegmans and then went shopping at Kohl's
because we both wanted new clothes that was so much better of like a productive
(35:54):
date I think you could call it I would do that I would do that once a week.
I'm completely game for a quick dinner at Wegmans or a quick pickup food.
And then yeah, go to Kohl's, go to Target, go somewhere fun and get some cool things.
Now that I'm on board for because it's not new. We know we like that. There's no surprises.
(36:17):
We're going to have a good time.
Yeah, that I can get behind. As far as the things we won't find time for,
I think new activities just jumped out to me because, again,
this was on a list of fun ways to spend quality time. Try something new with your partner.
And I just had a laugh. Maybe other couples have a lot of time on their hands.
I don't know. But we're just not like new activity.
(36:38):
Try something exciting. When it comes to meals, and this was what I was thinking
about with your dinner and date night comment, as far as meals go,
we are very picky with restaurants.
Like we have good meals at home.
I think we eat a lot as a family. We're both like heavier eaters.
Generally a meal at a restaurant is not enough.
(37:01):
You know, like we're, we're those kinds of people where we're hungry or we like to get a lot.
We like appetizers. We likes desserts. desserts so you know
we go to a restaurant and if it's
not good it just feels like a waste if my steak wasn't
good if the fries are no good the vegetables are soggy if
they're you know we fine-tune your pasta dishes like you can't get what you
(37:22):
like at restaurants as much i don't think we like new restaurants i think that's
probably true i would be more open to trying new restaurants because i try not
to look at the menu but you are like oh that's this type of restaurant we're
not I'm not going to try that.
Yes, I inform you of what you bring up. Let's go try this restaurant.
(37:43):
And I say, oh, it's this type of food. You don't even like that. And you agree.
So that's me just helping you save some money.
I think us being in the very parent phase, I'm very much in the mom phase right now.
New activities may seem like a waste because if or when we get a date night
(38:05):
and find someone to watch for children, we do want it to be a good date.
I agree with what you're saying. Yeah.
So, all right. So moving on from that, the other couple ones I thought were humorous.
One and this is just different i feel like for every
people but it said like a family or social gathering is
a fun way to spend quality time with your partner a hundred
(38:27):
percent though i mean you have to put it in context it's just because there's
really not any magic place that is great for a five-year-old a three-year-old
and two one-year-olds beginning to walk that we don't have to constantly be
watching them and making sure they're safe.
So the gathering itself is more so more work for us.
(38:52):
Yes. Yeah. We love, so to be clear, we love family gatherings.
We love social gatherings. We really do.
It's just, you know, my family's bigger and even like our cousin,
like the boys' cousins, if they can watch the boys or keep them entertained,
I want to talk to my brother or sister.
Like we want to have a conversation with other adults with no kids around.
(39:14):
It's not quality time for us. It's just quality family time.
If we're with, you know, your dad or your grandparents or something, same thing.
Like the boys might be entertained, but we're not having, we're not sitting
by ourselves having quality time.
We're having pie, you know, with feeding the twins, having dessert, having.
(39:35):
I like to sit down and have a drink. There's lots of things,
but I do still think when we do the family gatherings, they're like a breath of fresh air.
The boys have fun. No, it's family time.
Family time. Let's call it that. And then the last one that I just wanted to
get your laugh at was going to bed at the same time.
These people say going to bed together is a great way to spend quality time.
(39:57):
I like to go to bed by myself first and just, you know, not have the pressure
of him falling asleep before me.
And then I will not fall asleep the entire night.
I need to be asleep before he comes to bed or I just will get mad at you,
honestly, for being asleep first.
(40:19):
Yeah. Yeah. It's wonderful. So no matter how tired I am, and I think my body
just kind of adapted to this, but no matter how tired I am, I know I'm just
exiled to downstairs for like an hour or so. Let you have your time, let you fall asleep.
And then I can come up peacefully and go to sleep myself.
But this is not fully true because you can't fall asleep by 9, 930.
(40:43):
No. I can. So it's not that I'm kicking you out of the bed. It's just what works for us.
It's good balance, maybe. It has worked out, mostly.
But then, really, it's not. It's actually the flip side, I think,
is because you don't want to go to bed together so you can have your early rest
and I can come up after I've done my nighttime stuff, like hanging out and unwinding and stuff.
(41:06):
We actually don't really get to spend together time at night because you want
to get to bed and I want to hang out and watch a movie or whatever.
If we had like nighttime together, then it would be a tricky spot.
You know, would you allow me to come up to bed since it's 10 o'clock after a
movie and I'm tired? Or would you say, stay down here for 30 minutes so I can fall asleep?
(41:28):
But I've never said that. Like, I've never said that we can't go to bed at the same time.
It's just that I know I will not have a good sleep if you go to sleep before
me. Right. It doesn't have to be said.
These are rules that I know. They're ingrained in my brain.
And this is definitely, again, being in such a mom phase because the boys will
(41:51):
keep me for their bedtime routine until I'm ready for my bedtime routine.
Even if we get them down by 7.30, they just want to hang out with me until nine o'clock.
Yeah, it'll still be 8.20 before you roll into bed. Very true.
That I think is everything for today.
I'm happy we found the time today to kind of talk about this and break into
(42:16):
some of these initial ideas.
I think there's a lot of stuff swarming around in our heads that we just want
to hit on, whether it's, you know, for the relationship, a lot of it will be
like parenting, careers.
I would definitely love to talk to some outside experts and get their thoughts
on a variety of topics related to parenting and kids and all that kind of stuff
(42:38):
and how they keep their lives balanced and what they find time for, you know?
So I think that'll be interesting if we can keep this thing going.
That will be so fun to talk to someone else. No, I'm just kidding.
Could Grayson be a guest on the podcast? No. That would be so fun.
We need an age limit, maybe.
Okay, maybe. We'll see. We'll see. But no, I like finding time to actually sit
(43:01):
and talk to you, even though I have the running to-do list in the back of my
head for these 30 minutes. Oh my goodness.
Well, you can go get to some work. I gotta get to some work.
And that is all of our time for today. So thank you everybody who found this.
And hopefully you had as good of a time listening as we did having our first conversation. Bye.
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