April 9, 2024 • 40 mins
Welcome to the 10th episode of the Finding Time Podcast. For a special occasion, Chelsey mostly leads this episode and the power clearly goes to her head as she tries to have some fun at Dan's expense. Today we delve into a the intricacies of personality types, love languages, and how they impact our day to day relationships with our loved ones, family members, and coworkers.
Our main word of caution is that this topic is fun, but never let a test result define you. These traits and skills are meant to guide and inform your decision making, not control your life or define you too narrowly.
Laugh with us as we dig into the 5 love languages and try to guess what our own languages are (both are very obvious).
Hopefully this is both informative and entertaining to help you along your growth journey and allow you to be more self aware of your own psychological tendencies and blind spots!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:06):
Hello, welcome to the Finding Time podcast.
It's me to start this episode. So this is episode 10. And I said to Dan that
I would do the intro for episode 10.
Today we are finding time to learn about personality types and love languages.
Yeah, we'll try not to get too touchy feely, but it should be a fun episode.
(00:29):
It should be. So usually you start the introduction, and then you kind of hit
me me with a bunch of data that you looked up.
But since I am doing the intro for this episode, I thought I would hit you with
a little bit of, I guess you could say, data.
Okay. It's nice you do a little prep work. Let's hear it. All right.
(00:51):
So do you ever remember taking a personality test?
I don't know. I've taken some for work. But other than that,
I don't really remember.
I know we've definitely done quizzes and stuff, but I don't fully remember.
So I remember we did an Enneagram test and I tried to search where that would
come up, like maybe in our emails, but I could not find it. And I remember that taking so long.
(01:15):
So there was no way I was going to do that right before we started recording.
Yeah, I didn't really like that one. That was really confusing and I feel like it took forever. Okay.
So anyway, I searched personality tests on your email.
And do you remember in 2016, you took a 16 personalities test?
(01:38):
I do not remember much of 2016.
So these are the dangers of being in a long term relationship when someone has
access to your email, I guess. Yep.
And so I actually found these results and I have them if you're okay with letting
me share with everybody. Yeah, I'm an open book. Let's hear it.
(02:00):
All right. So in 2016, you took a 16 personalities test.
It's on 16personalities.com if anybody wants to try it.
And your personality type showed as the architect.
All right. I like the title so far. And what they do is basically they give
you percentages on a couple different topics, I guess, according to how you tested.
(02:25):
And so I'm going to share those. Oh, boy. Let's hear it.
All right. So their first one was introverted. You got 68%. Okay.
I don't have much issue with that.
I thought that was pretty high for you because you kind of are social,
but I guess it takes you a little bit to be social. So it makes sense.
(02:46):
Yeah, I would say that's fitting. My natural inclination is more on the introverted side.
And then you got 65% intuitive, which I must be like 110 because you are not
the intuitive one in the relationship, I'd say.
I have some skills in that category. You just overlook them.
Your thinking was only 56%, which I actually thought was really on point for
(03:11):
you because Because I feel like half of your life, you're really thinking and
you're like a genius out of nowhere.
And then the other half, you're looking at me blankly and being a selective listener.
It is very much a coin flip for how hard I'm thinking or how deep I'm thinking
about something on any given moment.
(03:31):
The next one was judging. And you were 72%, which, oh, look who's the judgy one now.
I have a lot of answers and people should listen to me. So, yeah.
That's fitting. That kind of matches up with the next one, which is assertive at 78%. Really?
That's a little surprising, but okay.
(03:52):
Right. So I thought these were like pretty good topics. I was a little confused
with what they meant by the architect, but they showed these percentages and
then they gave you a role, which your role ended up being an analyst.
In 2016, that is kind of what I was doing, actually. So that's,
you know, that's fitting for the for the time period that this was taken in.
(04:15):
That's smart. So maybe you took this one for work and it just was on your regular email.
I don't think I would have given out my regular email for this,
but maybe maybe that's where I found it. OK.
And then the last thing it gives
you was a strategy and your strategy was confident individualism. Yes.
I very much believe in individuality. So I don't know exactly how that plays
(04:35):
in, but I'll roll with it. Right.
So that was an interesting way that I thought, oh, like he took this personality
test, but it wasn't 2016.
So I'm curious to see how the results might change now if you went back and did the test.
Yeah, I'm sure they'd be different now. But the more reason for my curiosity
(04:56):
is I'm going to surprise you again.
And I went on the website and took the test just before we started recording the podcast.
Oh, boy. And what were your results?
So I was a defender. That was my personality type. Okay, pretty rugged.
I guess you could say that. They give the results differently.
(05:16):
Obviously, that kind of makes sense. What? I don't know. Eight years later.
So they do give the percentages, but they were different topics.
But instead, then they gave me like a write-up of what the defender is.
So I'm going to read it, okay? Okay. The defender is an unassuming,
hardworking personality type.
(05:36):
That craves order and stability. Defenders always show up for their loved ones,
aiming to never let anyone down.
But they also have a hard time putting themselves first and are sometimes left
feeling quietly frustrated, unappreciated, and burnt out.
I would say right off the bat, that is pretty spot on so far.
(05:57):
I know. And like, I love being a mom, but I feel like this one definitely is
just so spot on to me being a mom and like my role right now in 2024.
Yeah, it plays into things you deal with every day and probably the stuff that's
kind of building out your daily behaviors.
Right. So just like I would be interested to see if you took it now.
(06:18):
I wish I would have taken it in 2016 because I do feel like it probably would have been different.
I mean, I was working full time then. I wasn't even a mom yet.
I don't think I felt burnout.
At how old was I? 26.
And I don't feel burnout now. But yeah, it was just interesting how that matched
up almost like with what people would call mom life kind of thing. It really did.
(06:43):
Yeah. I don't know how different your results would have been back then,
but I think there would have been some variation.
I'd be curious what mine would show now. So if I get a free minute,
maybe I'll take it again.
I think you'll have to. So on that note, though, my role was called a sentinel.
Okay, so very, you know, kind of like an Overwatch Guardian type. That makes sense.
Yes, I have like eight eyes these days.
(07:05):
I think that made lots of sense.
And then my strategy is constant improvement.
And I thought that was actually pretty cool because maybe not so much myself.
I mean, I do always try to improve on being a mom and even like working and being a wife,
but also like the constant improvement I'm trying to instill upon the kids as
(07:29):
they grow, they're learning and growing and making mistakes.
And we're, you know, trying every day to watch them be successful humans.
Yeah, that makes sense. You are definitely pushing for that. I think it's also funny.
It's a little counterintuitive because you push them for, you know,
constant growth and improvement, but you also hate change.
(07:52):
So you're always dealing with sort of that two sided relationship.
And that's probably the root of some of your burnout. now. That's so true.
I never even thought of that.
So, yeah, I mean, I thought this test was pretty cool.
I definitely do want you to take it in 2024 and see if it matches or if it's
completely different now that you're a dad and we're married like almost 10
(08:14):
years versus one year of marriage.
Yeah, I was going to say the maturity level there is definitely different.
But as far as what personality results would kick back out, I mean,
you know, I feel like my results are pretty similar still.
So how did I do for my intro? Did I shock you?
You did. I did not know what to expect. You came prepared. You were organized.
(08:36):
You took a test. You had some fun background related to today's topic.
So I will hand it to you. You did really good and you can do more of these and
that'll free up some of my brain for other thinking.
So yeah, I think that was a fun test that kind of rolls into probably the first
word of caution that we should give for today. It.
(08:56):
You know, we're talking about personality types and, you know,
we'll talk about love languages and affection types later, too.
What I want to start out with is that I like this stuff. I'm always interested in it.
I always think learning more about yourself from a test or an assessment is
always really helpful, but you can't treat it like somebody who lives by their
(09:16):
Zodiac sign. No offense.
Actually, offense. I don't really care about your opinion. But those kind of
people who are like, oh, I'm. There's that judgmental percentage coming in.
It's not judgy if you're right. But, you know, what are you,
a Scorpio? Yes. Like if you see similarities, cool.
This is not a rant on Zodiacs, but I'll probably turn it into one.
(09:38):
If you have alignment with other people in your birth months, whatever, fine.
That's great. But my point is the people who use it as a crutch or an excuse
is my issue to say, oh, I can behave this way because that's my sign.
I'm going to act this way. I'm going to make these choices because that's my sign.
Don't be one of those people. So same thing. If you take a personality test
(09:59):
or you get an assessment, I shouldn't go walking around acting like, oh, I got this result.
Judgy. I'm an analyst. I don't need to overthink things. My personality type
is this blah, blah, blah. It's a snapshot.
It's who you are in the moment. It's how you answer tests.
Some of these are more reliable than others and use it to inform your your own
(10:19):
behavior and hopefully grow not just say this is who I am because I.
I took a test once and that's who it said I was. I definitely agree with that.
I think it's good to inform your own behavior, but the way I take them.
I mean, we used to do a lot of them when I was teaching in the classroom at
in-services and I thought they were good to like find out other people's personality
(10:41):
because then maybe if there's a conflict or you're just not seeing eye to eye with another person,
you can kind of look at what their personality is or just how they do things
differently. And then it kind of makes sense.
Like some of those things that are huge online right now, like firstborn daughter
and even the zodiac signs or the enneagrams, they're really popular right now.
(11:04):
Then you're like, wow, well, I see it this way because I'm this number.
But this makes sense why we just had that conversation because he or she is
that way or scored that way in that personality test.
Yeah, I think that is spot on that using this to better yourself and your relationships
is really what it's all about.
And I think that's why, you know, your workplace, my workplace likes to do this for employees.
(11:30):
It is really good to know. I know we have one that is pretty popular.
You know, it's a it's a corporate one.
It's probably expensive to to pay for the testing and analysis and all that kind of stuff.
And you remember I did that one is a few years ago and they actually give you
like a whole booklet and we get it was colors based and you kind of get traits
based on the color and your strengths and weaknesses, your natural inclination.
(11:52):
And then even what you can achieve if you work a little bit harder,
like, you know, you have natural inclinations towards analytical skills and,
you know, people skills.
But then if you have to focus a little bit more to be assertive or people,
please, like, you know, it was a really cool test.
And there is this what probably a 25 page booklet that it kicked out with.
(12:14):
I mean, paragraph upon paragraph of here's how Dan behaves in this situation.
Here's how Dan would navigate this. Here's how you should deal with conflict with Dan.
Here's how Dan will address this type of issue. Like, and I remember showing
it to you. We showed it to my parents.
And everyone's like, oh, this is creepy. Like, this is like somebody who's known you for 20 years.
So these assessments are pretty good. But also what I think is really fun about
(12:38):
that is I wound up taking that twice just for different roles and different
programs a couple of years apart.
And it was awesome to see how my results changed. You know, I went through job changes at that time.
I was in a couple of different roles that required me to be a little more hands-on,
a little more assertive.
I was working with different types of people in different roles and,
you know, certain Certain color schemes really elevated during that time because
(13:02):
that's what I needed to use or develop to work with those guys differently.
And, you know, the skills I was using in my first couple of jobs sort of faded
away and this test picked up on it perfectly.
So again, you know, you should come back and revisit these things over time
to keep track of where you're at. It's helpful for your coworkers, for your partners.
And again, don't let it define you. Just it's a snapshot of where you're at,
(13:24):
but it's exciting to see that change over time, which is really helpful.
Right. So you can use those tests to better yourself and just kind of,
again, better your relationships or at least be able to see someone else's point of view.
Exactly. There's a lot of correlation to what we're talking about on a more,
I don't know, psychological level or scientific level that relates back to our
(13:45):
episode on conflict resolution.
So you can listen to this one, go back to listen to that one,
take some personality assessments, and then you and your partner can maybe navigate
your issues a little more healthily. I think that would be, they should make
like, I'm sure that somebody does like a partner based.
Personality test. So it'll give you both of your results and then also tell
(14:06):
each of you, here's how you need to navigate tricky situations.
So on that topic, there's a bunch of them out there. We don't really have any
recommendations or preferences.
I would say I didn't like the Enneagram one just because it seemed weird and
it just, it felt like it took forever to me and whatever, but people like live by that one.
Myers-Briggs is definitely the biggest one in the, I'll say like social sciences
(14:28):
and the 16 personalities, I think is just a knockoff store brand version of that.
If you've ever seen the initials like I N T J there's, there's a couple of letters
that make them up that people see often the disc D I S C strengths assessment is one of them.
And I think the, the one that people come back to a lot is just type a and type B personalities.
(14:52):
That's not much of an assessment, but people all know what that means. Right.
The type A and type B person is really just kind of like a generic thing people even throw out there.
Like if I were to throw that out, people who know us, would they say that you're
type A or type B versus me being type A or type B?
I think those are very obvious ones that you are a type A and I am a type B.
(15:18):
And even people who don't really know us, if they've maybe listened to a couple
of episodes, might have already picked up on that.
Maybe. I mean, you're kind of type A-ing all over the podcast thing,
but yes, I would say like day-to-day family life, I'm type A,
and you are definitely more type B, getting kicked.
(15:38):
In the butt by type A sometimes. Yes. Yeah, that's true. I have type A tendencies with certain features.
You're right. But my natural inclinations are very much more laid back,
relaxed, patient, easygoing, that kind of thing.
And are mine time-urging, competitive, outward, aggressive?
No. He has those listed wrong for all my type A persons.
(16:02):
It's really just we're responsible, mature, and helpful.
But no, that is true. And again, these are two of the most broad buckets.
So you can always think of these different things. If you really studied a lot
of these, the questions always lead you into a couple of different categories
that the assessment is trying to digest and kick back out.
(16:25):
So type A, type B is just two big, broad buckets, right? Right.
There's going to be overlap.
And then, you know, go to something like Enneagram. How many numbers are there?
Nine? I think so. That's a big one.
I mean, that really is a popular one. I think you just didn't like it because it took us so long.
And now I don't like it because I know we took it and I want to remember what we were.
(16:46):
I bet you can find the text. I'm sure we can dig them up. But yeah,
I'm sure it is a good test.
I just wasn't crazy about the length. And some of the questions,
the structure of them got to me because, again, I remember dealing with this
a little bit in the past of how you pose the question,
how you structure them actually do make a difference in how a participant will answer them.
(17:07):
Anyways, there's a bunch of those Myers-Briggs. I think there's 16.
There might be more. So all of these are just further chopping you up,
chopping up, chopping up. But at the end of the day.
Type A, type B is the easiest two buckets for people to fit in.
He's being a little judgy again, people about these tests, take whichever one you want.
So that brings us to our next topic, which we just said, I'm type A, he's type B.
(17:31):
But in general, do opposites attract?
What is your take on that? Because mine varies.
I really do not know. I think so. Obviously, I did look some of this up.
This was one of the questions that kind of got me reading a few different things.
But my pre-research inclination was not really.
(17:51):
I think it was just something that, you know, served Hollywood well for rom-coms.
It serves storylines well, because you kind of get that duality that make for
compelling stories, books, movies, TV shows, whatever. whatever.
But in reality, in general practice, I don't think that was a great rule that opposites attract.
(18:16):
My boring take on it was opposites can work well together sometimes.
I agree. And I think it really depends on what you're opposite about.
Like, again, maybe calling back to our money episode.
If you have different takes on spending money and budgeting,
then no, I wouldn't say opposites attract that way.
(18:37):
But the whole type A type B thing, I mean, you love that I like keep our schedule.
I keep us on top of things.
I keep us a little bit on time, at least within the hour.
But then I love too about you being type B.
If something is really bothering me, you kind of can bring me back down to earth
(18:57):
or just talk more reality into the situations.
I think that's what was so interesting about the actual roots of the theory
behind do opposites attract, which was from the 1950s.
A sociologist put out a paper based on this, this theory that he had titled
(19:17):
a complementary needs preference, which is sort of a sciencey way of saying opposites attract.
But it wasn't taken to the extreme like it is.
Kind of these days where it's like, oh, your opposite traits will be funny and quirky.
And Matthew McConaughey. And who is who is with. Oh, how to lose a guy in 10
(19:39):
days. Kate Hudson. I even know this.
So those two are opposites in the workout. That's not what the general thought behind this paper was.
His was what you were just saying, which is complementary needs,
which is you have strengths. I have weaknesses.
Your strengths balance me out. And that works. Now, do my strengths balance?
Balance you out? Is it balanced?
(20:00):
That's kind of where the root of this was.
And then it got taken to the extreme, quite honestly, by the sixties and seventies,
after some of this got a little sensationalized and the opposites attract mantra
was getting out there a little bit.
Sociologists and psychologists had already shot it down. They actually found
that opposites like true opposites really caused more problems in relationships than anything else.
(20:24):
And fast forward to 2017, 2017, researchers found an 86% connection in similar traits among couples.
By those standards, opposites absolutely do not attract.
I mean, 86% is a high level of connection and similarity traits between couples.
That makes sense then why the dating apps, and I do not know from firsthand
(20:47):
experience, unfortunately, me and
Dan just got together before the dating app, so I never got to try one.
We did it the old fashioned. But the dating apps from us talking to friends,
they will tell us they kind of match you on similarities.
So they're letting you find a significant other that maybe like answers the
(21:08):
same way you do or something.
Has the same similarities you do. Again, I'm not really sure,
but I do know that that's how they let you find your person.
But I think like the websites and the real matching algorithms are based on
connecting similarities, not attracting opposites. So, yeah,
I think it's a few decades.
And again, I think sensationalism and Hollywood and storytelling has weaved its way through this.
(21:34):
And there certainly are success stories of where opposites attract.
But I think it comes more to the basis of them having complementary skill sets,
not that they're opposites and having fun with all of those challenges.
It's just about balancing their pieces together, kind of more like a Lego block
(21:55):
or a puzzle fitting together with their weird quirks instead of trying to jam
a square peg into a round hole. For sure.
And I think it would get pretty boring if you you were exactly the same.
So you need those challenges. Like I like when you challenge me,
actually, I don't, but I like to challenge you.
So it kind of works out. You obviously wouldn't want someone just agreeing with you all the time.
(22:19):
No, I wouldn't. I sometimes think it would be a nice like treat once in a while
to have someone agree with me all the time or, or not challenge me as much,
especially when I'm right.
But yes, it would get boring if we are not, you know, challenging each other
or trying to debate each other a little bit, maybe not so much by default, but in a healthy way.
(22:40):
Again, going back to having healthy conflict, it's good for you. It drives growth.
There are a lot of, I'll say, more dangerous ways where opposites can be a problem.
If you think about the most basic one that we touched on early,
introverts and extroverts, it could kind of seem fun a little bit.
And again, people sometimes make these.
(23:01):
Descriptions too much of their identity. So you can imagine introverts and extroverts
can absolutely work together.
Introverted people can help maybe a boisterous extroverted person tone it down
a little bit. That's not always a bad thing.
An extroverted person can help a more naturally introverted person get out of
(23:21):
their shell a little bit, socialize, have some fun.
But on the extremes of this, one end of the spectrum might think the other end
is is a complete hooligan or just absurd or way too obnoxious or extrovert to
introvert, they might think someone is too boring,
too shy, not fun enough, not outgoing enough.
(23:42):
So it obviously can cause problems. You need balance there.
Money-wise, spenders and savers, that is definitely a big one.
We talked about previously that money causes a large portion of conflicts in relationships.
Imagine how difficult it is when you're not even aligned on how much should
we save? What's an acceptable spending amount?
(24:03):
We certainly have had our own issues on this. Like, what do we want to save
for? What do we want to spend on?
And that can cause problems if you're just not aligned in that.
And then we also talked about this in a previous episode, but parenting styles.
I think, again, it's good to challenge each other on, you know,
what you're seeking to teach your child or what they're becoming,
(24:26):
but you also wanna have the same goal at the end of the day.
I think that goes for the spenders and savers too once you're in a relationship.
And the introverts and extroverts, as you were saying that, I was really thinking,
wow, that is all about balance because if you were at the like full end of the
extremes, you're right, that wouldn't work.
They probably wouldn't even date to begin with, but we basically know all couples,
(24:49):
There's always someone a little bit louder and then someone bringing them like back down to earth.
So it really is just that balance in those personalities that.
Hopefully work it is it's all about balance so that's
true with any of those i thought those were the obvious kind of categories where
you can see opposites are gonna be a little bit of
a problem if you're not willing to be balanced and compromise and
(25:13):
you know address your weaknesses and all that kind of stuff all right so we
said we're talking about personality types which we covered now we're going
to talk about love languages and how they fit together there's a a lot of social
media posts about the different ways couples connect on these styles.
And I find it so interesting because everyone probably fits into one category more than another.
(25:37):
But it's not that you don't like all the styles.
It's just that you're going to be better suited for some.
At least that goes for me. And I know that goes for you, too, when I was seeing these.
Right. Yeah. And this is one that we've seen before. I think when
I was making a little bit more of the rounds on social media now it's
kind of commonplace to again use it in
a silly way to say you know my husband is this
(26:00):
my wife is that and this is how we interact or you
know one of my favorite ones is like making up after a fight with your you know
significant other whose love language is physical touch and they just have like
one tiny little pinky finger on your thigh like that's just the little bit of
connection they needed to get
over the hurdle so yeah there's a a lot of funniness that goes to this,
(26:22):
but there's a lot of benefits that people can get from understanding it.
So there is five love languages, if you weren't sure.
And I guess I will go ahead and guess yours and you tell me if I'm right.
I would think, you know, we did a test on this, like maybe a year ago.
I feel it was around the holidays, maybe a year ago.
So I remember that, but go ahead, try to guess. Okay. So yours is definitely
(26:46):
physical touch. That was the first.
Oh, no way.
I don't even like gifts. I think if it wasn't that, then it was acts of service.
Yeah, if I don't remember taking that test, but I would definitely say acts of service.
(27:07):
Okay, maybe that's the one that it was. So the five love languages are quality
time, which is kind of undivided attention, acts of service,
words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
Mine would be receiving gifts if you weren't my gift giver.
If anyone knows us, we've been together so long and he's never gotten gifts right.
(27:29):
So I've basically said, stop getting me gifts and I'll either order something
or I just don't want a gift from him.
That is not true. I have gotten you good gifts.
I have hot and cold streaks. OK, you know, we've had a lot of changing phases
in life, but, you know, I'll get back on a hot streak sometime soon here.
You just pulled out a sweater, I believe, like a couple of weeks ago. That was great.
(27:53):
And you were saying you loved it. You haven't worn it in a while.
And that was from from one of my more promising gift giving periods,
maybe from like your birthday to Christmas or something.
And again, our biggest dates are kind of jumbled up within like three months.
So it's a lot of gift giving crammed into one period of the year.
That must have been from like 2016.
(28:13):
It was from more years ago than I thought it was. was. So I've been on a cold
streak for a little while.
A cold streak for the last 10 years.
So Dan did this research. I won't take credit, but there is a study done that
says what types go best together.
So physical touch goes best with quality time, which kind of makes sense because
(28:36):
if someone really likes their quality time, then usually you're going to have
some physical touch involved.
Exactly. So that kind of goes hand in hand. As long as you don't hate,
you know, that physical connection, then that can be quality time.
You get undivided attention.
It's easy to be fully focused on someone. If you're cuddling together on the
couch, if you're holding hands as you, you know, take a walk or something like
(29:00):
that, it's actually harder to get distracted when you're, you know,
physically connected to them in some way.
And the next one also is best with quality time, words of affirmation,
which that too makes sense because, again, you're spending the quality time.
So maybe you're complimenting each other.
Maybe you're, you know, just appreciating what the other has done the past day, week, month.
(29:23):
So those two kind of go hand in hand, too. Yeah, it makes sense.
You know, you're giving them some verbal love and the person who likes quality
time just wants to have your focus, talk, know they have your attention.
So that makes sense. And the last one is acts of service with receiving gifts,
which I can see how those balance out because in a way, like,
(29:43):
again, to me, I don't like receiving gifts. I don't know why you even think that.
But I love the acts of service, which kind of to me is a gift,
like when you're doing something extra or you do, you know, something handy around the house.
That doesn't happen, people. But I was just giving an example.
But that to me is a gift. So acts of service with receiving gifts,
(30:05):
that's like a very compatible couple, I would say.
Those two go hand in hand really well. Yeah, you could see how that would be a plus.
And again, it's about what you consider a gift. They can really cross over easily.
So that's, you know, and this is where it's helpful if you take these quizzes
together, you know, find out your love languages, how compatible are they?
(30:25):
How close are the ones? And I think there's like secondary ones too.
Again, this is not all one thing or one category. You can have crossover.
You can care for different things. I don't think I care too much about words
of affirmation, you know, even acts of service. I can do things on my own.
I don't need you to do a lot. But those two, I think, are lower on the list
(30:46):
for me. You don't need me to do a lot for you.
Okay. Just remember a few things and keep me going in the right direction.
You don't like words of affirmation because you don't listen.
Yeah, probably not. That is true. I would say we both like quality time.
So that one kind of is where we would maybe meet in the middle.
I think that would be my second one probably because I don't get a whole lot
(31:09):
of undivided attention.
I'm craving it. Oh my goodness. Which is why we have uninterrupted podcasts now. That's true. True.
The two that don't go together are words of affirmation and acts of service,
which again, these do make sense.
One values talk and then the other one wants action.
(31:29):
You and me are a little bit that. Well, you said you don't like words of affirmation,
but you value talking and sitting and me focusing.
And I just want to go ahead and do the action. You can naturally see the combative
nature of those two where one of them wants to talk and share their feelings and whatever.
(31:51):
And the other one, if you think about it in a little bit of negative way,
the acts of service is like words are cheap.
Show me what you're going to do. You know, what have you done for me lately?
Don't tell me. So you can see where there could be some tension in that.
And again, this is if there's any couples who take a quiz and find out those
are the categories they fall into.
We're not trying to cause a conflict in your lives.
(32:13):
This is where it becomes helpful to know that if you really value acts of service
and you have a partner who really values words of affirmation,
you actually need to step it up and understand that when they're telling you
things, it's more meaningful. And how should we say this?
Their words to you seem as important as your actions to them.
(32:33):
And that's hard for some people to get out of their shell. You know,
I also think talk is cheap.
Some people value that more than others. So it kind of makes sense. Right.
And as you were saying this, I was just thinking, I wonder how much like percentages
are on these love languages now,
because I feel like maybe the words of affirmation are growing only because
(32:56):
of how people are saying they're only communicating like texting and on social media.
So it's almost like all through your words then that you're connecting to someone.
I would imagine that is the case. Yeah, I didn't see any trends.
And I would love to see how things change over time or maybe how,
you know, the love languages are adjusted each generation.
(33:19):
Because I'm sure there's even generational cycles where, you know,
people are either raised one way or they crave one thing that they didn't get.
And then it defines them for their next couple of relationships.
So I'd be curious to see how it changes. I think words, for sure,
are probably more meaningful now than in the past.
And, you know, I think a little bit more older school actions.
(33:41):
That's the saying, actions speak louder than words. So I think that carried
a lot of weight when it came to relationships and stuff like that as well.
Does that make us old? Because we're definitely actions speak louder than words kind of team, I think.
I think we've pretty clearly established that we we age ourselves probably like
10 to 15 years more in personality than we do in biological age.
(34:06):
Just from a couple of our last discussions and and topics that we've gone over
and opinions that we share.
I think people will clearly understand we are not young, hip, cool individuals.
Speak for yourself. self yeah nice try so look everyone has their strengths
and weaknesses being young and and hip is not one of ours you know exhibit a
(34:30):
is is the use of the word hip i don't think the kids are saying that.
But more importantly, how do you think couples can bridge the gaps in their differences?
You know, we already kind of touched on this, but it is important that we give
examples and talk through these challenges.
What do you do if you're you have different personality types or different love language preferences?
I think the love languages like really does just connect with what we talked
(34:53):
about with the personality test.
You know, don't put yourself in the box once you find out your personality test
answer or feel like you're type A.
Don't put yourself in that box, but instead use it to better yourself and then
use the knowledge you know about your partner to just improve or even more so
(35:15):
better understand where they're coming from when those fights or arguments arise.
I think that's really good advice.
Everyone can take something from that and apply it to their life.
You don't want to get too stuck in your ways and you don't want to get too defined
by any one type or any one personality.
You know, you want to be flexible. And again, you want to understand your weakness
and sometimes try to force yourself to be a little bit more comfortable supporting your partner.
(35:40):
If you are someone not pointing fingers that hates physical touch or any kind of affection,
then, you know, it might benefit you once a day to try to, you know,
receive a hug without gagging or,
you know, show some signs of affection in front of the kids so they understand
that it's OK to love your partner.
(36:02):
But, you know, everyone's different.
I mean, we have four kids. Let's just be real.
Right. But no, I think that's the main takeaway is understand your own strengths and weaknesses.
Don't be defined by them and really try to understand what your partner's strengths and weaknesses are.
And also, as time goes on, it's going to change when you hit different phases of life.
(36:28):
You know, my personality changed before kids with work changes, right?
My role changed. And I wouldn't say I got a little more rugged,
but I remember coming home cursing a lot or being a little more aggressive.
I was working with truckers and a different type of personnel.
And that sort of changed how I communicated for a period.
And then, you know, job roles can change your personality. When we had kids,
(36:51):
it certainly had a big impact on our personalities and our thought processes.
And then as you just grow up, you know, we're kind of in that phase now,
too, where we're watching our older siblings and more so our parents kind of
change, you know, from parents to grandparents.
From stressed out full time employees to maybe end of career employees or retired people.
(37:16):
We're just seeing personalities change over time, whereas the first 15,
18 years of your life, you're kind of operating under the assumption that people don't change. Right.
And we're also like catching ourselves every now and then saying like, well,
when we were young or like back in the day before the cell phones or when we
(37:37):
had to sit patiently and wait for a dial up, we were just telling our son that
the other day because his tech time.
I mean his tab we call it tech time, but his tablet was like not loading and
I Remembered just recently seeing a meme like that really teaches you.
I don't know patients are like oh
You didn't understand patience unless you had to wait for that dial-up tone to go through.
(38:01):
I did see a hilarious post, and I wish I could remember his name,
but by some dad influencer that said he holds up this picture every day when
the kids want to do something online.
Like go on a tablet or play a video game, just to build strength and character.
Character and what he said he does is he holds up the
(38:21):
aol connecting to the internet screen with like
the status boxes and then plays a modem sound
on his phone for three minutes so they start to
develop more strength and character like he had to
which i think is hilarious you know every kid should go through that i know
i think that's the same kind of picture i saw too so that must be going viral
because like really could you imagine the little kids these days look how old
(38:45):
i sound but the little kids these days waiting for that dial-up connection and
then sometimes it not connecting.
Yeah, I don't want to go down that path. We will save that for another episode
because I could do a whole rant on kids these days and how they don't have enough
character for not having to go through those struggles.
But it's the same exact thing that our parents said about us because we took
(39:07):
the easy way out by whatever, Googling things or going online.
Yeah, by even having the internet. I want to do like a 90s babies episode now
that we just got talking about this.
Yeah, that's definitely one that we could do. So we will go back in the archives.
We will age ourselves a little bit. Think of the most fun, silly brands and
(39:28):
games and trends and themes and songs and, you know, have a good old trip down
memory lane one of these days.
But for now, if you want to take any of these personality tests and then share
your results with us or just share them with your partner to improve and grow.
And I think Dan was touching on this, but really, it's just important that you
(39:49):
know that you are going to change even when you're in that relationship or at that job.
And it's just important that you work to grow together.
I had a boss who was really a mentor. He was a great guy. And he always said
that feedback is a gift, positive or negative.
Feedback should be a gift. And the same goes for whether it's your workplace,
(40:09):
whether it's your partner.
But if you do one of these things, make sure they know feedback is a gift.
Don't use it to hurt someone or take an upper upper hand on someone.
Use it so everyone improves. I give you a gift every single day.
I am so grateful for all of the feedback that you provide me.
And I will make sure I remind myself that your feedback is a gift every day
(40:32):
because I tend to forget. Yes, apparently.
All right. Or just not listen. More so that. All right. Thanks,
everybody. Have fun. Thank you.
Music.
(00:06):
Hello, welcome to the Finding Time podcast.
It's me to start this episode. So this is episode 10. And I said to Dan that
I would do the intro for episode 10.
Today we are finding time to learn about personality types and love languages.
Yeah, we'll try not to get too touchy feely, but it should be a fun episode.
(00:29):
It should be. So usually you start the introduction, and then you kind of hit
me me with a bunch of data that you looked up.
But since I am doing the intro for this episode, I thought I would hit you with
a little bit of, I guess you could say, data.
Okay. It's nice you do a little prep work. Let's hear it. All right.
(00:51):
So do you ever remember taking a personality test?
I don't know. I've taken some for work. But other than that,
I don't really remember.
I know we've definitely done quizzes and stuff, but I don't fully remember.
So I remember we did an Enneagram test and I tried to search where that would
come up, like maybe in our emails, but I could not find it. And I remember that taking so long.
(01:15):
So there was no way I was going to do that right before we started recording.
Yeah, I didn't really like that one. That was really confusing and I feel like it took forever. Okay.
So anyway, I searched personality tests on your email.
And do you remember in 2016, you took a 16 personalities test?
(01:38):
I do not remember much of 2016.
So these are the dangers of being in a long term relationship when someone has
access to your email, I guess. Yep.
And so I actually found these results and I have them if you're okay with letting
me share with everybody. Yeah, I'm an open book. Let's hear it.
(02:00):
All right. So in 2016, you took a 16 personalities test.
It's on 16personalities.com if anybody wants to try it.
And your personality type showed as the architect.
All right. I like the title so far. And what they do is basically they give
you percentages on a couple different topics, I guess, according to how you tested.
(02:25):
And so I'm going to share those. Oh, boy. Let's hear it.
All right. So their first one was introverted. You got 68%. Okay.
I don't have much issue with that.
I thought that was pretty high for you because you kind of are social,
but I guess it takes you a little bit to be social. So it makes sense.
(02:46):
Yeah, I would say that's fitting. My natural inclination is more on the introverted side.
And then you got 65% intuitive, which I must be like 110 because you are not
the intuitive one in the relationship, I'd say.
I have some skills in that category. You just overlook them.
Your thinking was only 56%, which I actually thought was really on point for
(03:11):
you because Because I feel like half of your life, you're really thinking and
you're like a genius out of nowhere.
And then the other half, you're looking at me blankly and being a selective listener.
It is very much a coin flip for how hard I'm thinking or how deep I'm thinking
about something on any given moment.
(03:31):
The next one was judging. And you were 72%, which, oh, look who's the judgy one now.
I have a lot of answers and people should listen to me. So, yeah.
That's fitting. That kind of matches up with the next one, which is assertive at 78%. Really?
That's a little surprising, but okay.
(03:52):
Right. So I thought these were like pretty good topics. I was a little confused
with what they meant by the architect, but they showed these percentages and
then they gave you a role, which your role ended up being an analyst.
In 2016, that is kind of what I was doing, actually. So that's,
you know, that's fitting for the for the time period that this was taken in.
(04:15):
That's smart. So maybe you took this one for work and it just was on your regular email.
I don't think I would have given out my regular email for this,
but maybe maybe that's where I found it. OK.
And then the last thing it gives
you was a strategy and your strategy was confident individualism. Yes.
I very much believe in individuality. So I don't know exactly how that plays
(04:35):
in, but I'll roll with it. Right.
So that was an interesting way that I thought, oh, like he took this personality
test, but it wasn't 2016.
So I'm curious to see how the results might change now if you went back and did the test.
Yeah, I'm sure they'd be different now. But the more reason for my curiosity
(04:56):
is I'm going to surprise you again.
And I went on the website and took the test just before we started recording the podcast.
Oh, boy. And what were your results?
So I was a defender. That was my personality type. Okay, pretty rugged.
I guess you could say that. They give the results differently.
(05:16):
Obviously, that kind of makes sense. What? I don't know. Eight years later.
So they do give the percentages, but they were different topics.
But instead, then they gave me like a write-up of what the defender is.
So I'm going to read it, okay? Okay. The defender is an unassuming,
hardworking personality type.
(05:36):
That craves order and stability. Defenders always show up for their loved ones,
aiming to never let anyone down.
But they also have a hard time putting themselves first and are sometimes left
feeling quietly frustrated, unappreciated, and burnt out.
I would say right off the bat, that is pretty spot on so far.
(05:57):
I know. And like, I love being a mom, but I feel like this one definitely is
just so spot on to me being a mom and like my role right now in 2024.
Yeah, it plays into things you deal with every day and probably the stuff that's
kind of building out your daily behaviors.
Right. So just like I would be interested to see if you took it now.
(06:18):
I wish I would have taken it in 2016 because I do feel like it probably would have been different.
I mean, I was working full time then. I wasn't even a mom yet.
I don't think I felt burnout.
At how old was I? 26.
And I don't feel burnout now. But yeah, it was just interesting how that matched
up almost like with what people would call mom life kind of thing. It really did.
(06:43):
Yeah. I don't know how different your results would have been back then,
but I think there would have been some variation.
I'd be curious what mine would show now. So if I get a free minute,
maybe I'll take it again.
I think you'll have to. So on that note, though, my role was called a sentinel.
Okay, so very, you know, kind of like an Overwatch Guardian type. That makes sense.
Yes, I have like eight eyes these days.
(07:05):
I think that made lots of sense.
And then my strategy is constant improvement.
And I thought that was actually pretty cool because maybe not so much myself.
I mean, I do always try to improve on being a mom and even like working and being a wife,
but also like the constant improvement I'm trying to instill upon the kids as
(07:29):
they grow, they're learning and growing and making mistakes.
And we're, you know, trying every day to watch them be successful humans.
Yeah, that makes sense. You are definitely pushing for that. I think it's also funny.
It's a little counterintuitive because you push them for, you know,
constant growth and improvement, but you also hate change.
(07:52):
So you're always dealing with sort of that two sided relationship.
And that's probably the root of some of your burnout. now. That's so true.
I never even thought of that.
So, yeah, I mean, I thought this test was pretty cool.
I definitely do want you to take it in 2024 and see if it matches or if it's
completely different now that you're a dad and we're married like almost 10
(08:14):
years versus one year of marriage.
Yeah, I was going to say the maturity level there is definitely different.
But as far as what personality results would kick back out, I mean,
you know, I feel like my results are pretty similar still.
So how did I do for my intro? Did I shock you?
You did. I did not know what to expect. You came prepared. You were organized.
(08:36):
You took a test. You had some fun background related to today's topic.
So I will hand it to you. You did really good and you can do more of these and
that'll free up some of my brain for other thinking.
So yeah, I think that was a fun test that kind of rolls into probably the first
word of caution that we should give for today. It.
(08:56):
You know, we're talking about personality types and, you know,
we'll talk about love languages and affection types later, too.
What I want to start out with is that I like this stuff. I'm always interested in it.
I always think learning more about yourself from a test or an assessment is
always really helpful, but you can't treat it like somebody who lives by their
(09:16):
Zodiac sign. No offense.
Actually, offense. I don't really care about your opinion. But those kind of
people who are like, oh, I'm. There's that judgmental percentage coming in.
It's not judgy if you're right. But, you know, what are you,
a Scorpio? Yes. Like if you see similarities, cool.
This is not a rant on Zodiacs, but I'll probably turn it into one.
(09:38):
If you have alignment with other people in your birth months, whatever, fine.
That's great. But my point is the people who use it as a crutch or an excuse
is my issue to say, oh, I can behave this way because that's my sign.
I'm going to act this way. I'm going to make these choices because that's my sign.
Don't be one of those people. So same thing. If you take a personality test
(09:59):
or you get an assessment, I shouldn't go walking around acting like, oh, I got this result.
Judgy. I'm an analyst. I don't need to overthink things. My personality type
is this blah, blah, blah. It's a snapshot.
It's who you are in the moment. It's how you answer tests.
Some of these are more reliable than others and use it to inform your your own
(10:19):
behavior and hopefully grow not just say this is who I am because I.
I took a test once and that's who it said I was. I definitely agree with that.
I think it's good to inform your own behavior, but the way I take them.
I mean, we used to do a lot of them when I was teaching in the classroom at
in-services and I thought they were good to like find out other people's personality
(10:41):
because then maybe if there's a conflict or you're just not seeing eye to eye with another person,
you can kind of look at what their personality is or just how they do things
differently. And then it kind of makes sense.
Like some of those things that are huge online right now, like firstborn daughter
and even the zodiac signs or the enneagrams, they're really popular right now.
(11:04):
Then you're like, wow, well, I see it this way because I'm this number.
But this makes sense why we just had that conversation because he or she is
that way or scored that way in that personality test.
Yeah, I think that is spot on that using this to better yourself and your relationships
is really what it's all about.
And I think that's why, you know, your workplace, my workplace likes to do this for employees.
(11:30):
It is really good to know. I know we have one that is pretty popular.
You know, it's a it's a corporate one.
It's probably expensive to to pay for the testing and analysis and all that kind of stuff.
And you remember I did that one is a few years ago and they actually give you
like a whole booklet and we get it was colors based and you kind of get traits
based on the color and your strengths and weaknesses, your natural inclination.
(11:52):
And then even what you can achieve if you work a little bit harder,
like, you know, you have natural inclinations towards analytical skills and,
you know, people skills.
But then if you have to focus a little bit more to be assertive or people,
please, like, you know, it was a really cool test.
And there is this what probably a 25 page booklet that it kicked out with.
(12:14):
I mean, paragraph upon paragraph of here's how Dan behaves in this situation.
Here's how Dan would navigate this. Here's how you should deal with conflict with Dan.
Here's how Dan will address this type of issue. Like, and I remember showing
it to you. We showed it to my parents.
And everyone's like, oh, this is creepy. Like, this is like somebody who's known you for 20 years.
So these assessments are pretty good. But also what I think is really fun about
(12:38):
that is I wound up taking that twice just for different roles and different
programs a couple of years apart.
And it was awesome to see how my results changed. You know, I went through job changes at that time.
I was in a couple of different roles that required me to be a little more hands-on,
a little more assertive.
I was working with different types of people in different roles and,
you know, certain Certain color schemes really elevated during that time because
(13:02):
that's what I needed to use or develop to work with those guys differently.
And, you know, the skills I was using in my first couple of jobs sort of faded
away and this test picked up on it perfectly.
So again, you know, you should come back and revisit these things over time
to keep track of where you're at. It's helpful for your coworkers, for your partners.
And again, don't let it define you. Just it's a snapshot of where you're at,
(13:24):
but it's exciting to see that change over time, which is really helpful.
Right. So you can use those tests to better yourself and just kind of,
again, better your relationships or at least be able to see someone else's point of view.
Exactly. There's a lot of correlation to what we're talking about on a more,
I don't know, psychological level or scientific level that relates back to our
(13:45):
episode on conflict resolution.
So you can listen to this one, go back to listen to that one,
take some personality assessments, and then you and your partner can maybe navigate
your issues a little more healthily. I think that would be, they should make
like, I'm sure that somebody does like a partner based.
Personality test. So it'll give you both of your results and then also tell
(14:06):
each of you, here's how you need to navigate tricky situations.
So on that topic, there's a bunch of them out there. We don't really have any
recommendations or preferences.
I would say I didn't like the Enneagram one just because it seemed weird and
it just, it felt like it took forever to me and whatever, but people like live by that one.
Myers-Briggs is definitely the biggest one in the, I'll say like social sciences
(14:28):
and the 16 personalities, I think is just a knockoff store brand version of that.
If you've ever seen the initials like I N T J there's, there's a couple of letters
that make them up that people see often the disc D I S C strengths assessment is one of them.
And I think the, the one that people come back to a lot is just type a and type B personalities.
(14:52):
That's not much of an assessment, but people all know what that means. Right.
The type A and type B person is really just kind of like a generic thing people even throw out there.
Like if I were to throw that out, people who know us, would they say that you're
type A or type B versus me being type A or type B?
I think those are very obvious ones that you are a type A and I am a type B.
(15:18):
And even people who don't really know us, if they've maybe listened to a couple
of episodes, might have already picked up on that.
Maybe. I mean, you're kind of type A-ing all over the podcast thing,
but yes, I would say like day-to-day family life, I'm type A,
and you are definitely more type B, getting kicked.
(15:38):
In the butt by type A sometimes. Yes. Yeah, that's true. I have type A tendencies with certain features.
You're right. But my natural inclinations are very much more laid back,
relaxed, patient, easygoing, that kind of thing.
And are mine time-urging, competitive, outward, aggressive?
No. He has those listed wrong for all my type A persons.
(16:02):
It's really just we're responsible, mature, and helpful.
But no, that is true. And again, these are two of the most broad buckets.
So you can always think of these different things. If you really studied a lot
of these, the questions always lead you into a couple of different categories
that the assessment is trying to digest and kick back out.
(16:25):
So type A, type B is just two big, broad buckets, right? Right.
There's going to be overlap.
And then, you know, go to something like Enneagram. How many numbers are there?
Nine? I think so. That's a big one.
I mean, that really is a popular one. I think you just didn't like it because it took us so long.
And now I don't like it because I know we took it and I want to remember what we were.
(16:46):
I bet you can find the text. I'm sure we can dig them up. But yeah,
I'm sure it is a good test.
I just wasn't crazy about the length. And some of the questions,
the structure of them got to me because, again, I remember dealing with this
a little bit in the past of how you pose the question,
how you structure them actually do make a difference in how a participant will answer them.
(17:07):
Anyways, there's a bunch of those Myers-Briggs. I think there's 16.
There might be more. So all of these are just further chopping you up,
chopping up, chopping up. But at the end of the day.
Type A, type B is the easiest two buckets for people to fit in.
He's being a little judgy again, people about these tests, take whichever one you want.
So that brings us to our next topic, which we just said, I'm type A, he's type B.
(17:31):
But in general, do opposites attract?
What is your take on that? Because mine varies.
I really do not know. I think so. Obviously, I did look some of this up.
This was one of the questions that kind of got me reading a few different things.
But my pre-research inclination was not really.
(17:51):
I think it was just something that, you know, served Hollywood well for rom-coms.
It serves storylines well, because you kind of get that duality that make for
compelling stories, books, movies, TV shows, whatever. whatever.
But in reality, in general practice, I don't think that was a great rule that opposites attract.
(18:16):
My boring take on it was opposites can work well together sometimes.
I agree. And I think it really depends on what you're opposite about.
Like, again, maybe calling back to our money episode.
If you have different takes on spending money and budgeting,
then no, I wouldn't say opposites attract that way.
(18:37):
But the whole type A type B thing, I mean, you love that I like keep our schedule.
I keep us on top of things.
I keep us a little bit on time, at least within the hour.
But then I love too about you being type B.
If something is really bothering me, you kind of can bring me back down to earth
(18:57):
or just talk more reality into the situations.
I think that's what was so interesting about the actual roots of the theory
behind do opposites attract, which was from the 1950s.
A sociologist put out a paper based on this, this theory that he had titled
(19:17):
a complementary needs preference, which is sort of a sciencey way of saying opposites attract.
But it wasn't taken to the extreme like it is.
Kind of these days where it's like, oh, your opposite traits will be funny and quirky.
And Matthew McConaughey. And who is who is with. Oh, how to lose a guy in 10
(19:39):
days. Kate Hudson. I even know this.
So those two are opposites in the workout. That's not what the general thought behind this paper was.
His was what you were just saying, which is complementary needs,
which is you have strengths. I have weaknesses.
Your strengths balance me out. And that works. Now, do my strengths balance?
Balance you out? Is it balanced?
(20:00):
That's kind of where the root of this was.
And then it got taken to the extreme, quite honestly, by the sixties and seventies,
after some of this got a little sensationalized and the opposites attract mantra
was getting out there a little bit.
Sociologists and psychologists had already shot it down. They actually found
that opposites like true opposites really caused more problems in relationships than anything else.
(20:24):
And fast forward to 2017, 2017, researchers found an 86% connection in similar traits among couples.
By those standards, opposites absolutely do not attract.
I mean, 86% is a high level of connection and similarity traits between couples.
That makes sense then why the dating apps, and I do not know from firsthand
(20:47):
experience, unfortunately, me and
Dan just got together before the dating app, so I never got to try one.
We did it the old fashioned. But the dating apps from us talking to friends,
they will tell us they kind of match you on similarities.
So they're letting you find a significant other that maybe like answers the
(21:08):
same way you do or something.
Has the same similarities you do. Again, I'm not really sure,
but I do know that that's how they let you find your person.
But I think like the websites and the real matching algorithms are based on
connecting similarities, not attracting opposites. So, yeah,
I think it's a few decades.
And again, I think sensationalism and Hollywood and storytelling has weaved its way through this.
(21:34):
And there certainly are success stories of where opposites attract.
But I think it comes more to the basis of them having complementary skill sets,
not that they're opposites and having fun with all of those challenges.
It's just about balancing their pieces together, kind of more like a Lego block
(21:55):
or a puzzle fitting together with their weird quirks instead of trying to jam
a square peg into a round hole. For sure.
And I think it would get pretty boring if you you were exactly the same.
So you need those challenges. Like I like when you challenge me,
actually, I don't, but I like to challenge you.
So it kind of works out. You obviously wouldn't want someone just agreeing with you all the time.
(22:19):
No, I wouldn't. I sometimes think it would be a nice like treat once in a while
to have someone agree with me all the time or, or not challenge me as much,
especially when I'm right.
But yes, it would get boring if we are not, you know, challenging each other
or trying to debate each other a little bit, maybe not so much by default, but in a healthy way.
(22:40):
Again, going back to having healthy conflict, it's good for you. It drives growth.
There are a lot of, I'll say, more dangerous ways where opposites can be a problem.
If you think about the most basic one that we touched on early,
introverts and extroverts, it could kind of seem fun a little bit.
And again, people sometimes make these.
(23:01):
Descriptions too much of their identity. So you can imagine introverts and extroverts
can absolutely work together.
Introverted people can help maybe a boisterous extroverted person tone it down
a little bit. That's not always a bad thing.
An extroverted person can help a more naturally introverted person get out of
(23:21):
their shell a little bit, socialize, have some fun.
But on the extremes of this, one end of the spectrum might think the other end
is is a complete hooligan or just absurd or way too obnoxious or extrovert to
introvert, they might think someone is too boring,
too shy, not fun enough, not outgoing enough.
(23:42):
So it obviously can cause problems. You need balance there.
Money-wise, spenders and savers, that is definitely a big one.
We talked about previously that money causes a large portion of conflicts in relationships.
Imagine how difficult it is when you're not even aligned on how much should
we save? What's an acceptable spending amount?
(24:03):
We certainly have had our own issues on this. Like, what do we want to save
for? What do we want to spend on?
And that can cause problems if you're just not aligned in that.
And then we also talked about this in a previous episode, but parenting styles.
I think, again, it's good to challenge each other on, you know,
what you're seeking to teach your child or what they're becoming,
(24:26):
but you also wanna have the same goal at the end of the day.
I think that goes for the spenders and savers too once you're in a relationship.
And the introverts and extroverts, as you were saying that, I was really thinking,
wow, that is all about balance because if you were at the like full end of the
extremes, you're right, that wouldn't work.
They probably wouldn't even date to begin with, but we basically know all couples,
(24:49):
There's always someone a little bit louder and then someone bringing them like back down to earth.
So it really is just that balance in those personalities that.
Hopefully work it is it's all about balance so that's
true with any of those i thought those were the obvious kind of categories where
you can see opposites are gonna be a little bit of
a problem if you're not willing to be balanced and compromise and
(25:13):
you know address your weaknesses and all that kind of stuff all right so we
said we're talking about personality types which we covered now we're going
to talk about love languages and how they fit together there's a a lot of social
media posts about the different ways couples connect on these styles.
And I find it so interesting because everyone probably fits into one category more than another.
(25:37):
But it's not that you don't like all the styles.
It's just that you're going to be better suited for some.
At least that goes for me. And I know that goes for you, too, when I was seeing these.
Right. Yeah. And this is one that we've seen before. I think when
I was making a little bit more of the rounds on social media now it's
kind of commonplace to again use it in
a silly way to say you know my husband is this
(26:00):
my wife is that and this is how we interact or you
know one of my favorite ones is like making up after a fight with your you know
significant other whose love language is physical touch and they just have like
one tiny little pinky finger on your thigh like that's just the little bit of
connection they needed to get
over the hurdle so yeah there's a a lot of funniness that goes to this,
(26:22):
but there's a lot of benefits that people can get from understanding it.
So there is five love languages, if you weren't sure.
And I guess I will go ahead and guess yours and you tell me if I'm right.
I would think, you know, we did a test on this, like maybe a year ago.
I feel it was around the holidays, maybe a year ago.
So I remember that, but go ahead, try to guess. Okay. So yours is definitely
(26:46):
physical touch. That was the first.
Oh, no way.
I don't even like gifts. I think if it wasn't that, then it was acts of service.
Yeah, if I don't remember taking that test, but I would definitely say acts of service.
(27:07):
Okay, maybe that's the one that it was. So the five love languages are quality
time, which is kind of undivided attention, acts of service,
words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
Mine would be receiving gifts if you weren't my gift giver.
If anyone knows us, we've been together so long and he's never gotten gifts right.
(27:29):
So I've basically said, stop getting me gifts and I'll either order something
or I just don't want a gift from him.
That is not true. I have gotten you good gifts.
I have hot and cold streaks. OK, you know, we've had a lot of changing phases
in life, but, you know, I'll get back on a hot streak sometime soon here.
You just pulled out a sweater, I believe, like a couple of weeks ago. That was great.
(27:53):
And you were saying you loved it. You haven't worn it in a while.
And that was from from one of my more promising gift giving periods,
maybe from like your birthday to Christmas or something.
And again, our biggest dates are kind of jumbled up within like three months.
So it's a lot of gift giving crammed into one period of the year.
That must have been from like 2016.
(28:13):
It was from more years ago than I thought it was. was. So I've been on a cold
streak for a little while.
A cold streak for the last 10 years.
So Dan did this research. I won't take credit, but there is a study done that
says what types go best together.
So physical touch goes best with quality time, which kind of makes sense because
(28:36):
if someone really likes their quality time, then usually you're going to have
some physical touch involved.
Exactly. So that kind of goes hand in hand. As long as you don't hate,
you know, that physical connection, then that can be quality time.
You get undivided attention.
It's easy to be fully focused on someone. If you're cuddling together on the
couch, if you're holding hands as you, you know, take a walk or something like
(29:00):
that, it's actually harder to get distracted when you're, you know,
physically connected to them in some way.
And the next one also is best with quality time, words of affirmation,
which that too makes sense because, again, you're spending the quality time.
So maybe you're complimenting each other.
Maybe you're, you know, just appreciating what the other has done the past day, week, month.
(29:23):
So those two kind of go hand in hand, too. Yeah, it makes sense.
You know, you're giving them some verbal love and the person who likes quality
time just wants to have your focus, talk, know they have your attention.
So that makes sense. And the last one is acts of service with receiving gifts,
which I can see how those balance out because in a way, like,
(29:43):
again, to me, I don't like receiving gifts. I don't know why you even think that.
But I love the acts of service, which kind of to me is a gift,
like when you're doing something extra or you do, you know, something handy around the house.
That doesn't happen, people. But I was just giving an example.
But that to me is a gift. So acts of service with receiving gifts,
(30:05):
that's like a very compatible couple, I would say.
Those two go hand in hand really well. Yeah, you could see how that would be a plus.
And again, it's about what you consider a gift. They can really cross over easily.
So that's, you know, and this is where it's helpful if you take these quizzes
together, you know, find out your love languages, how compatible are they?
(30:25):
How close are the ones? And I think there's like secondary ones too.
Again, this is not all one thing or one category. You can have crossover.
You can care for different things. I don't think I care too much about words
of affirmation, you know, even acts of service. I can do things on my own.
I don't need you to do a lot. But those two, I think, are lower on the list
(30:46):
for me. You don't need me to do a lot for you.
Okay. Just remember a few things and keep me going in the right direction.
You don't like words of affirmation because you don't listen.
Yeah, probably not. That is true. I would say we both like quality time.
So that one kind of is where we would maybe meet in the middle.
I think that would be my second one probably because I don't get a whole lot
(31:09):
of undivided attention.
I'm craving it. Oh my goodness. Which is why we have uninterrupted podcasts now. That's true. True.
The two that don't go together are words of affirmation and acts of service,
which again, these do make sense.
One values talk and then the other one wants action.
(31:29):
You and me are a little bit that. Well, you said you don't like words of affirmation,
but you value talking and sitting and me focusing.
And I just want to go ahead and do the action. You can naturally see the combative
nature of those two where one of them wants to talk and share their feelings and whatever.
(31:51):
And the other one, if you think about it in a little bit of negative way,
the acts of service is like words are cheap.
Show me what you're going to do. You know, what have you done for me lately?
Don't tell me. So you can see where there could be some tension in that.
And again, this is if there's any couples who take a quiz and find out those
are the categories they fall into.
We're not trying to cause a conflict in your lives.
(32:13):
This is where it becomes helpful to know that if you really value acts of service
and you have a partner who really values words of affirmation,
you actually need to step it up and understand that when they're telling you
things, it's more meaningful. And how should we say this?
Their words to you seem as important as your actions to them.
(32:33):
And that's hard for some people to get out of their shell. You know,
I also think talk is cheap.
Some people value that more than others. So it kind of makes sense. Right.
And as you were saying this, I was just thinking, I wonder how much like percentages
are on these love languages now,
because I feel like maybe the words of affirmation are growing only because
(32:56):
of how people are saying they're only communicating like texting and on social media.
So it's almost like all through your words then that you're connecting to someone.
I would imagine that is the case. Yeah, I didn't see any trends.
And I would love to see how things change over time or maybe how,
you know, the love languages are adjusted each generation.
(33:19):
Because I'm sure there's even generational cycles where, you know,
people are either raised one way or they crave one thing that they didn't get.
And then it defines them for their next couple of relationships.
So I'd be curious to see how it changes. I think words, for sure,
are probably more meaningful now than in the past.
And, you know, I think a little bit more older school actions.
(33:41):
That's the saying, actions speak louder than words. So I think that carried
a lot of weight when it came to relationships and stuff like that as well.
Does that make us old? Because we're definitely actions speak louder than words kind of team, I think.
I think we've pretty clearly established that we we age ourselves probably like
10 to 15 years more in personality than we do in biological age.
(34:06):
Just from a couple of our last discussions and and topics that we've gone over
and opinions that we share.
I think people will clearly understand we are not young, hip, cool individuals.
Speak for yourself. self yeah nice try so look everyone has their strengths
and weaknesses being young and and hip is not one of ours you know exhibit a
(34:30):
is is the use of the word hip i don't think the kids are saying that.
But more importantly, how do you think couples can bridge the gaps in their differences?
You know, we already kind of touched on this, but it is important that we give
examples and talk through these challenges.
What do you do if you're you have different personality types or different love language preferences?
I think the love languages like really does just connect with what we talked
(34:53):
about with the personality test.
You know, don't put yourself in the box once you find out your personality test
answer or feel like you're type A.
Don't put yourself in that box, but instead use it to better yourself and then
use the knowledge you know about your partner to just improve or even more so
(35:15):
better understand where they're coming from when those fights or arguments arise.
I think that's really good advice.
Everyone can take something from that and apply it to their life.
You don't want to get too stuck in your ways and you don't want to get too defined
by any one type or any one personality.
You know, you want to be flexible. And again, you want to understand your weakness
and sometimes try to force yourself to be a little bit more comfortable supporting your partner.
(35:40):
If you are someone not pointing fingers that hates physical touch or any kind of affection,
then, you know, it might benefit you once a day to try to, you know,
receive a hug without gagging or,
you know, show some signs of affection in front of the kids so they understand
that it's OK to love your partner.
(36:02):
But, you know, everyone's different.
I mean, we have four kids. Let's just be real.
Right. But no, I think that's the main takeaway is understand your own strengths and weaknesses.
Don't be defined by them and really try to understand what your partner's strengths and weaknesses are.
And also, as time goes on, it's going to change when you hit different phases of life.
(36:28):
You know, my personality changed before kids with work changes, right?
My role changed. And I wouldn't say I got a little more rugged,
but I remember coming home cursing a lot or being a little more aggressive.
I was working with truckers and a different type of personnel.
And that sort of changed how I communicated for a period.
And then, you know, job roles can change your personality. When we had kids,
(36:51):
it certainly had a big impact on our personalities and our thought processes.
And then as you just grow up, you know, we're kind of in that phase now,
too, where we're watching our older siblings and more so our parents kind of
change, you know, from parents to grandparents.
From stressed out full time employees to maybe end of career employees or retired people.
(37:16):
We're just seeing personalities change over time, whereas the first 15,
18 years of your life, you're kind of operating under the assumption that people don't change. Right.
And we're also like catching ourselves every now and then saying like, well,
when we were young or like back in the day before the cell phones or when we
(37:37):
had to sit patiently and wait for a dial up, we were just telling our son that
the other day because his tech time.
I mean his tab we call it tech time, but his tablet was like not loading and
I Remembered just recently seeing a meme like that really teaches you.
I don't know patients are like oh
You didn't understand patience unless you had to wait for that dial-up tone to go through.
(38:01):
I did see a hilarious post, and I wish I could remember his name,
but by some dad influencer that said he holds up this picture every day when
the kids want to do something online.
Like go on a tablet or play a video game, just to build strength and character.
Character and what he said he does is he holds up the
(38:21):
aol connecting to the internet screen with like
the status boxes and then plays a modem sound
on his phone for three minutes so they start to
develop more strength and character like he had to
which i think is hilarious you know every kid should go through that i know
i think that's the same kind of picture i saw too so that must be going viral
because like really could you imagine the little kids these days look how old
(38:45):
i sound but the little kids these days waiting for that dial-up connection and
then sometimes it not connecting.
Yeah, I don't want to go down that path. We will save that for another episode
because I could do a whole rant on kids these days and how they don't have enough
character for not having to go through those struggles.
But it's the same exact thing that our parents said about us because we took
(39:07):
the easy way out by whatever, Googling things or going online.
Yeah, by even having the internet. I want to do like a 90s babies episode now
that we just got talking about this.
Yeah, that's definitely one that we could do. So we will go back in the archives.
We will age ourselves a little bit. Think of the most fun, silly brands and
(39:28):
games and trends and themes and songs and, you know, have a good old trip down
memory lane one of these days.
But for now, if you want to take any of these personality tests and then share
your results with us or just share them with your partner to improve and grow.
And I think Dan was touching on this, but really, it's just important that you
(39:49):
know that you are going to change even when you're in that relationship or at that job.
And it's just important that you work to grow together.
I had a boss who was really a mentor. He was a great guy. And he always said
that feedback is a gift, positive or negative.
Feedback should be a gift. And the same goes for whether it's your workplace,
(40:09):
whether it's your partner.
But if you do one of these things, make sure they know feedback is a gift.
Don't use it to hurt someone or take an upper upper hand on someone.
Use it so everyone improves. I give you a gift every single day.
I am so grateful for all of the feedback that you provide me.
And I will make sure I remind myself that your feedback is a gift every day
(40:32):
because I tend to forget. Yes, apparently.
All right. Or just not listen. More so that. All right. Thanks,
everybody. Have fun. Thank you.
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