Ep 12: Icebreakers: Creating Space for Connection

Episode Transcript
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Indra Klavins (00:00):
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to life. All right, now, let'sget into today's episode from
the messy middle matters.

(01:07):
I'm Indra

Amanda Jane Lee (01:09):
and I'm Amanda,

and we'd like to welcome you to the messy middle
matters.

Hey, Amanda. How are you today? I'm good. How
are you Indra? Good,

good. You want to know why we're having such a
good time getting started,because we asked each other how
we're doing broke the ice. Imean, because how many times
have you walked into a room,whether it's real or virtual,
and everyone's just sittingthere in the room, sitting there
awkwardly, like looking at theirnotebooks or, like, just like
trying to figure out, like, notto make focus with the camera,

(01:43):
like eye contact, and everyonejust doesn't know what to do
with

themselves, yeah, just like, hands folded,
staring at your computer, likepretending that you have
something important to dobecause you don't want to talk
to anyone else in the room.Like, it's just really awkward,
like the awkward silence, itkills me. No one

wants to make small talk. But you know, I
inevitably, you know, if it'snot my meeting, I and sometimes
when it is my meeting, like,just like, Hi, how's everyone?
Like, you know, happy Tuesday,um, or whatever day of the week
it is, I should say Wednesday,because that's the day we
released all of our podcast,right? Happy Wednesday. Happy
Wednesday, everyone and but youcould have corrected me and
said, No, Indra, today isWednesday, and that's a whole

(02:19):
conversation starter. And theneveryone has something silly to
do until the meeting actually

starts. Right? I know it's one of those things
where, you know, a lot of peoplehate small talk, but without it,
you're just stuck in a room inawkward silence,

in awkward silence, and like a good
icebreaker, goes beyond justbreaking that awkward silence
and that awkwardness in theroom. It actually helps
everyone, like, arrive mentallyin the room. I think you do a
little bit about that with thosereally brief hellos. But like
getting everyone truly presentand out of their last meeting,
you know, getting to know ifyou're not familiar with people
in the room, a little somethingabout them, even if it is just

(02:56):
their name, right? You get tolearn something about everyone,
or at least their demeanor ortone of voice or something. And
then, you know, everyone gets alittle bit of practice engaging
with people in the room because,you know, big, big secret folks,
Amanda and I talk to each otherfor just a little bit before we
hit record on our episodes,because we want to get into that

(03:16):
room and be really here for youguys when you start listening to

us. Yeah, and it doesn't have to be in the
same room, whether that'sphysical or virtual, right? It
can be, you know, I've worked atorganizations that had a Slack
channel that was like, watercooler Wednesday or like Friday
question, and it's just a goodway to engage with others and
get that practice, get to learn,you know, a little bit more

(03:43):
about your coworkers. You know.Just gonna say it again. We're
not automatons. We are allhuman.

We are all human. And like, you know, I think that
so many of our episodes focus onthat, and focus on, dare I say,
this is community building. Youknow, even if it's community for
the duration of one meeting, andyou'll never see each other ever
again. You are creating andsetting the stage for that one
hour and making it purposeful.Yeah,

for sure, it's community building. It's just
getting to know other people ashuman beings, and not only what
they do at work. Yeah,

and, and, and, I think that, you know, like,
let's talk a little bit about,like, the different shapes and
forms. I think we've gotten intosome of this. But like, what's
your favorite one? Like, do youhave any go tos or favorites
that you've used? Or,

um, one that I really like? So I think a lot of
people dislike icebreakersbecause, like one small talk,
but two, because there's this.Some people feel this pressure
to seem interesting. And one ofmy favorite ones is for virtual
teams. What show me something onyour desk right now? It doesn't.

(05:00):
Have to be my AirPods case,right? Like, it doesn't have to
be an interesting thing, right?But if it is an interesting
thing, maybe not to you. Itcould be interesting to someone
that you're showing it to,right? Like, you know, something
else on my desk is a bowl that Imade in ceramics class. Yeah,
that opens up conversation,right? Like you, you can ask me

(05:20):
follow up questions. I can tellyou more about this. I can tell
you about the glaze I put on it,the whole story. And, you know,
it's, it's similar to, you know,the episode we had on our
personality test, right? It'sjust a conversation starter,

yeah. And I love the fact that you gave an
example. That's, I the my someof my least favorite
icebreakers, and I I see itsvalue, but I also cringe every
single time that somebodysuggests two truths and a lie.

I have a heart. There's the pressure to to make
your truths interesting. That's

it. I think that you like when you said that. I'm
like, that. That's why true, twotruths and a lie showed up in my
brain. I'm like, That's it. Likeyou always want to be, you want
you, you feel this need toperform. And, you know, that's
one of the things that I thinkof icebreakers as, like, when I
get nervous about them. And theother is, like, some icebreakers
give me a vulnerabilityhangover, right? Like, they're

(06:17):
they, like, dig so deep intosome sort of, like, you know,
like, tell me about, like, youknow, there was one a friend of
mine was telling me about one,and it was, it had something to
do with childhood and whateverit was, and they had to send the
organizer. They're like, hey,maybe you want to steer away
from not everyone has had greatchildhoods or great marriages,

(06:40):
or has children, or like, whatare there so many of these, like
icebreaker questions that peoplethink of that are that seem so
light for them, but we'reworking as familiar as we are
with the people we work with.Like, let's assume that this is
you're doing the icebreaker justfor a workshop with people that
you work with on an everydaybasis, but you just want to

(07:02):
reset their brains a little bitand just like get them out of
their norm. You know them in thecontext of work. You don't know
their full history or what theydo after work, or whatever it is
you gotta, you gotta thread theneedle on icebreakers and make
sure that they're inclusive,that they're not something
that's going to trigger someoneand make them shut down. They're
not going to force somebody togo somewhere that they feel is

(07:23):
just like, really uncomfortablewith, right,

that they're not controversial. So, like,
stay away from the obvious. Stayaway from politics. Stay away
from religion. Stay away from,like, anything too personal.
Stay away from, you know, thingsthat are clearly not safe for
work. You know, just therethere's a good there's a good
balance when you're when you'rethinking of icebreaker
questions, right? Like theyshould be inclusive. They should

(07:48):
be, you know, general enoughthat most people should be able
to answer like low stakes does.It doesn't spark the need to
perform, right? You know, likeanother one that, that I love
is, what is a book or a showthat you're consuming right now?
Like, you don't have to thinktoo hard about it, right? Like,

(08:11):
what? What book are you reading?What show are you watching?
Like, you don't have to, like,sit there and, like, think of
your two truths and a lie. Yeah,

yeah. And if you want something, I think that if
you want something, that's adeeper thing, which is great. I
love a technique that I learnedfrom Susan Kane's book. It's,
it's where you give the promptto people before the meeting,
and that gives them more, yeah,that gives them time to digest
and to think about it. Even someof the light ones, you're like,

(08:39):
oh, like, you know, like,sometimes I like to do seasonal
things and, like, on a virtualone, what I'll do is I'll have
everyone drop onto a virtualboard, virtual whiteboard, like
a photo or an emoji or whatever,and it gives people time to
think about, like, Oh, what wasmy favorite vacation? Oh, okay,
here you go. Or what is my youknow, like favorite color, like,

(09:02):
they get to noodle on that.Because if you ask me what
favorite color, like, even if Iknow what my favorite colors,
what shade and hue do I want toshare with everybody else, give
me some time. Yeah,

I like that approach, because it not
everyone likes being put on thespot. Like, even if it's
something super, like, casual,like, what's your favorite
color? If you weren't expectingthat question, and if you
weren't expecting to share theanswer to that question with the
class, yeah, that might changeyour answer. Or the way you you

(09:35):
know you share, or the way thatconversation starts,

yeah, yeah. And it was just 100% true. And then,
like, I think some icebreakers,you want to set it up in such a
way where not everyone has toshare, because there are the
people who will enjoy the factthat you offered them a prompt,
but may not be ready to share itwith the class, so to speak.

(09:58):
Yeah. Yeah. Which

is, I, like, I personally like those team chat,
like Slack channels, right? TheWednesday, the water cooler,
Wednesday or the Fridayquestion. Like, somewhere I
worked, had a Slack channelnamed Friday question, and I
think they rotated, like, whogot to ask the question? Like a
little sign up sheet, and thequestions that came up, the ones

(10:23):
that I remember off the top ofmy head, or, like, how do you
sort your laundry? And you learnso much about people. That's
interesting. Yeah, you learn somuch about people, by the way
they answered that question. Butit was also like an opt in,
right? Like, if you want toshare what weird things you do
to sort your laundry, like coolif you don't, you could just be

(10:45):
a bystander here. It makes

me think of another one where it was a
workshop and they were doingicebreakers in it, and the one
of the icebreaker questions wasfor everyone to cluster in
different parts of the room. Doyou put your toilet when you put
new toilet paper on the roll. Doyou do over or under? Oh, you
know, I You were polarizing.

I said, stay away from controversial topics.
That's a controversial topic,controversial. And

then one person it is a little controversial.
But, like, it was so funny, thereason that it comes to mind is
one person's like, I don'tnotice and I don't care. Like,
Oh, they created their owncategory. All right, all right.
But it was like, it's like, youhave to find and you have to
find the right ones for yourorganization, for your team, who

(11:32):
is ready to do what. Andactually, it's funny that I
don't care, gave gave permissionto people to join that one
because, like, they didn't,maybe they don't want to talk
about over, under,

I'm an Oh, yeah. And just going back to the
whole point of icebreakers,right? It's, it's to start that
conversation. It's to lightenthe mood a little bit. It's to
get people out of whatever modethey were in before, and like,
into shifting your mind intowhat you're doing next.

Yeah. And, but I think that also icebreakers if
you're the one, well, even ifyou're in the room, sometimes
you want to do this, butespecially if you're the person
leading it, you need to justmonitor the room, read the room,
see how it's landing, and, youknow, help to readjust as
needed, right? And especiallythere are the people who will
over, share like, we'll pull usemy toilet paper, one that could

(12:22):
be an opening statement forsomeone, and then they'd share
all sorts of not safe or workthings that nobody ever wanted
to know about this personpotentially figure out how to
nip that one in the bud. Nipthat

right, like private message, hey, so and so,
maybe you want to steer awayfrom that. I

see where you're going right now, but we're not
going there today, so we'refocusing strictly on the role
and the spool and the spindle.We want nothing else anyway,
right? But just back

to the toilet paper. Yeah, you know, it's a
it's a con. It's a quote,controversial topic, but like it
is, it is one of it's an exampleof one of those ones that builds
community right. 100%

we all have very strong feelings, like, it's me,
other than that, one person,most of us have very strong
feelings when we walk intosomeone's restroom, or like, you
didn't do it the way that I doit. Right? Interesting. And
there are reasons why. What isover? Over, it's easier to get.
It off under, you're less likelyto use too much Scientifically
speaking,

huh? I'm an over. I'm an over.

It's easier to get so I can find the end. I can
find the end.

Another, another go to is, what is your
food hot take, which can becontroversial, um, and like,
yeah, one, one answer that comesto mind, same. It was a, it was
a Friday question, question. Andsomeone was like, I think pizza

(13:56):
is gross. And, oh, I and thepeople sitting around me audibly
gasped when, when we saw thatmessage come through. But it's
just like, wow. Now, now we knowyou know what this person thinks
about pizza, and we asked somany follow up questions, like,

(14:18):
is it all kinds of pizza? Is it,you know, certain toppings,
like, what's the deal? Like,what made you hate pizza?

Food is one of those sticky ones. It's really
interesting that one's a superpersonal, maybe more personal
than toilet paper. Who knows? Ithink so. Yeah, you know what,
you're right? But anyway so, butlike, and don't force people to
answer the questions like,there's there is. There is a
difference between nudging themto participate, because you will

(14:49):
have your you know the folks whoare reluctant because they're
just a little bit it'sunfamiliar. It puts them out of
their comfort zone. I mean, andI could ask your question. We'll
do that just a little bit, or anicebreaker activity. We'll do
that just a little, just toreset things and bring everyone
in a room. But you know, youwant to, you want to nudge a

(15:11):
little, but when you see it andsense it, don't force anyone.
Don't like,

oh, every there are 10 people in this room. Nine
people answered this question,so and so you didn't answer this
question like and you don't wantto do

that? No, no. That's the, that's the, that's
the behavior we see in employeesatisfaction surveys that I
detest, who didn't completetheir survey yet, who didn't
complete their right stophunting or what you're hunting
for witches, but, but noteveryone knows how to find, you
know a good icebreaker orconduct a good ice, because it's

(15:47):
hard, like, let's be very, veryhonest, because, like, the
number of times, especially ifyou're doing it at a weekly
meeting, just so that everyonecontinues to get to know each
other, or whatever, it's hard tosource the material. So I don't
know if you have any sort offavorite websites you go to or
tools, because Heaven knows, Igot my whole stash sitting here
right next to me, or most of mystash sitting here next to me

(16:09):
that I can show off. Yeah, I

don't have a favorite website or tool, but,
you know, I collect things. So Ihave a list. As I was prepping
for this layout, I have a list.Do you want to hear some of the
good icebreaker questions Ihave? Yes, please. All right,
where's the most interestingplace you have worked for, like

(16:32):
a virtual team, like physicallocation, right? So you know, my
husband once took his laptop toRocky Mountain National Park,
and a park ranger asked if shecould take a photo of him
because she's never seen thatbefore.

Modern Times. Modern Times, yep. What

is something you cannot live without that
costs less than $20 I've hadI've seen answers that, like
mine, is Coco floss. It's aspecific floss brand, like a
Bucha floss,

but it sends you mine. I've got some, I've got
some extra. I've moved on to adifferent brand. I'm gonna send
you mine now, yeah, okay, thisis what you learn in an
icebreaker. Folks, exactly,right?

But, you know, answers range from, like, my
favorite mug, or, you know, thisnotebook. It's just like an easy
one. I think maybe it's harderto think about the less than $20
what mundane thing do you thinkyou're fairly good at, like
mine, is loading as much stuffinto the dishwasher as

I can? That's so funny. I always threatened to
say that my I could put printingas a as a skill set on my
resume, and very good atprinting in all different types
of shapes and forms. Oh yes,

oh yeah. See, we're learning about each other
right now from these icebreakerquestions. Um, what? What's the
last song that you had stuck inyour head. I'm gonna spare
everyone from this song. So,yeah,

keep going. Keep going. What did I get? Because I
know I had been stuck thismorning. I can't remember what
it was, yeah, yeah, um,

if you had to order takeout tonight, where,
where would you order from, andwhat, what would you order? I
like that, yeah. And if you hadto build an ice cream sundae,
what would be on it?

That's fun, because then everyone gets to
grab each other's toppings, or,like, yes and each other and
like, yes,

I've seen that exact thing happen. Just like,
Oh, I didn't even think aboutmixing the

fudge. Yeah. I love that, I love that, I love
that, ooh. And I think thatthat's the thing is, like, as
you find these questions, like,you create a question bank for
yourself, like, and throw it ina Google doc that's always on
your drive, and you get to haveit, and you don't need to
literally use it. You can justlike, use it for inspiration,

(18:58):
even if you're not, you canliterally use it, or use it as
an inspiration. So I'm gonnagive you some of my favorite
things. This is not likeactually, that'll be a bonus
thing. So one of my favoritenewer things is So Esther perels
got the A game that she createdafter the pandemic because she
realized that humans, we forgothow to people. And so it's where

(19:20):
should we begin? And the cardgame is on its second edition
already, and they've, they're,they're different suits. I'm
going to call them. I don't knowhow she refers them, but you can
actually peel away. It's easy topeel away. She made it easy to
peel away the Not Safe For Workquestions. So you can actually
pull questions. And they'rereally designed to be thoughtful
and like really, to get to knoweach other. Love her stuff. So

(19:45):
is another deck that I have.I'll add the link in the show
links. I've got all thesedifferent one on one decks from
my career coach Jen, but I lovethe mentor pack that's got good
stuff in it. Creative sprint forcreative teams. If you got
creative teams, you're looking.For an activity, these deck of
cards are really amazing. Thegame, storing book, it's does a

(20:06):
lot more than than this purposeis not icebreakers, but within
the book, it's got a lot of,like, workshopping activities in
here. But, and there's a websitethat's free, but they've also
got a lot of ideas for, like,especially if you're doing,
like, an off site or somethinghas fun things. And I'd say,
like the last bonus thing, whichisn't necessarily icebreakers,
but it's really about thatcommunity building, is Priya

(20:29):
Parker's art of gathering bookwas a really amazing so nice

when you pulled out the Esther Pearl cards that
reminded me that I have this onmy desk. It's a it's a it's
another card game. It's called,we're not really strangers. I
don't know that I would use allof these for our work, but I
have, like, pulled out ones thatthat were pretty tame, and I've
used them, you know, during teambuilding things. The the one

(20:56):
that comes to mind is, how manyspeeding tickets do you think
I've got

that sounds a dangerous question. You gotta,
like your team to do that one?Yeah. But yeah, like, I any one
of these. I don't think that anyof them are like, lift and shift
and you just pull something andbut they're, they're pull out
what makes the most sense fromthem, and if, even if there
isn't something that's superuseful within a particular
resource, it can spur yourjuices to think of the new thing

(21:28):
and think of all those littlethings. And if all else fails,
talk about the weather. Talkabout the weather. Weekend
plans. It's something. It'ssomething. So, yeah, talk about
the weather.

But yeah, you're right. Um, these things,
you know, I don't think there'sa perfect deck of cards or, you
know, bank of questions that youcould just easily, you know,
apply everything, but it doesserve for good inspiration.
Yeah,

yeah. So icebreakers, they are important.
Keep them light, keep them easy,keep them moving, keep them
purposeful, and keep themfocused on creating human
connection, because and if allelse fails,

talk about the weather or about what day it is.

On that note, thank you, Amanda, for yet
another fun time spending withme. I love it. I love it. And I
hope that y'all enjoyed thisepisode as much as we enjoyed
creating it, and that you'lljoin us next time when we talk
about another topic from themessy middle, bye,

bye. .

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Ep 12: Icebreakers: Creating Space for Connection

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