Are you feeling bitterness towards others, or feel like there’s nothing you can do to change things?
Do you find yourself constantly blaming others for your circumstances or feeling like there's no hope for a better future?
In today’s episode, I’ll share with you the "four basic moods" that heavily influence our life experiences— Resentment, Resignation, Peace, and Ambition. I'll provide practical strategies to transform “negative” moods into empowering ones, moving from resentment to peace and resignation to ambition.
I'll explain how these moods are created by the way we orient ourselves to the facts of our past and present, as well as the possibilities of our future. You'll learn how to identify which “negative” moods you're trapped in, and why shifting to the more “positive” moods of peace and ambition/enthusiasm could dramatically change your day-to-day life experience!
This episode is your key to not just understanding your emotional responses but actively shaping them to enhance your life experience. Tune in to start the journey toward a more positive and proactive mindset.
- Mark
Let’s connect:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrobertsonpcc
Email: mark@coachmark.com
Website: www.coachmark.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Wake Up And PayAttention. The podcast fueling
(00:03):
positive change from the insideout. I'm Mark Robertson, your
host. With over 25 years as aprofessional coach, I'm thrilled
to explore the personal growthtools that have helped me and
hundreds of people just like youdesign and awaken to their best
life. If you've ever feltoverwhelmed and unfulfilled,
like you're just going throughthe motions day after day, maybe
(00:24):
you're afraid one day all theballs are going to drop, you're
in the right place. Together,let's expand our self awareness
and make sustainable shifts thatimprove our communication
skills, relationships, andoverall well being. This is a
judgment free zone whereopenness, understanding and
support rule. So grab yourheadphones and get ready, it's
(00:46):
time to Wake Up And PayAttention.
Greetings, Wake Up And PayAttention listeners greetings to
you from midtown, the loftsrecording studio in Nashville,
Tennessee. That's the name thatI'm working with are trying on
for my in home office recordingstudio that I'm creating these
(01:10):
episodes on,so greetings. Todayis Episode 10, which I can't
believe that we've alreadygotten this far. There's already
10 episodes down and it justseems to get more and more fun
as I'm doing this, each of theseepisodes. So again, my typical
word is I'm excited orenthusiastic about bringing this
(01:31):
next episode to you today. Sowhere are we headed today?
We've spent the last fewepisodes seven, eight and nine
actually in the world oflanguage looking at if you
recall, assessments andassertions. So I decided just
trust my intuition on a pivotback to one of the other three
circles. So we're moving awayfrom language, we're gonna pin
it back to our emotional state.Remember, the three circles are
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language, emotion and body? Sowant to visit our emotional
state and we covered this ideajust briefly in episode 4 when
we looked at emotions and moodsand I want to return to
something that I mentioned inthat that episode, which are
called the Four Basic Moodsthat's going to be our focus for
today's podcast.
In my assessment, this is one ofthe most powerful ontological
(02:17):
distinction that I can offeryou. If you pay attention to
nothing else that I have foryou. In these episodes, I would
say really pay attention to thisone because it can dramatically
affect your life experience,this would be the one to really
focus on. And it's one that Ifind myself doing time and time
again, called the four basicmoods. Today, we'll look at what
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those are, we'll look at how Ifind ourselves in them, or how
we find themselves findourselves in which two are
better than the other two, sincethey're four, and how to shift
out of the two that are not sogreat because I find that if we
stay in those, it often createsmaximum suffering in our lives
both for us and for others inour life.
(02:59):
So, buckle up and get ready fora potentially life changing
episode today. So before I diginto the Four Basic Moods, let's
do it. Just a quick recap aroundthe whole idea of emotions and
moods. Remember, we said thoseare different, they're not the
same thing. So remember,emotions, they are short term,
there's always a trigger that wecan point to that triggers us
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into the emotion and we can'tcontrol them. My belief or
assessment is that it's notsomething we can control. It's
just our body's physiologicalresponse to a triggering event.
We're all wired to haveemotions, we can of course,
become more emotionally awareand we can certainly learn how
to respond to them differently.But I don't think we really have
(03:42):
any control over them. So that'semotions.
Moods are more long term,there's not a trigger that we
can point to, we often find thatwe've settled into a mood over a
period of time and it's oftenhard to explain how we got here.
It's often harder to see moodsin ourselves. It's easy
sometimes to see them in others,but often hard to identify them
(04:04):
in ourselves. But moods are muchmore powerful, I believe after
doing this for 26 years indetermining our day to day life
experience. It's really a lotabout the journey you have on
the planet. This go round isoften a function of the mood
that you happen to live in. Andso remember this both emotions
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and moods we say arepredispositions for action.
So both of us, allow us to seecertain actions and take certain
actions but not take others. Nowemotions typically were
triggered into pushed into thataction really quickly. With
moods, it's a bit different,it's more about from this mood,
I can't see an action and theactions that I want to take may
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not be very effective action.So, literally when you find
yourself in a mood and let'sjust label it maybe a negative
mood. You literally may not beable to take the action that you
think you should at that time,like, intellectually, you're
telling yourself, you should dothis, you should do that. But
your mood won't allow it. That'show powerful moods can be.
(05:10):
But here's the good news. We dohave some power and ability, I
believe, to shape our moods andlife to design our mood and
life. I think that's a reallyimportant piece to focus on if
we're looking at growth andchange. But the actions we need
to take to do that are a littlebit different than some of our
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typical actions that we take forchange. So what do I mean about
that? Remember, our emotionalworld moods and emotions lives
in the limbic system of ourbrain, it's the interior part of
our brain. It's different thanthe neocortex, the upper part of
our brain. That's where we doour logical rational thinking
and our planning, that limbicsystem of our brain where our
(05:51):
emotional world is housed,learns through immersion, tying
those together. We begin todesign a different mood in life
through new immersive practices,it's kind of a way to think
about it new immersive habits.So what does that mean? We need
to pay attention to who we spendtime with, because moods are
contagious.
And so if we want to shift froma quote negative to a quote
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positive move, we need to hangaround with positive people. We
need to pay attention to theenvironments we put ourselves in
professionally and personally,what's the mood? I'm sitting in
when I'm at an event, a concert,in my office with a group of
people, and we need to choose toI want to stay in this.
Remember, I called them swimmingpools, it's every time we do
that, we jump in that swimmingpool, and we get that mood water
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on us. So do I want to stay inthis pool? Or do I want to leave
this pool because it's not goingto support me in designing the
mood that I want.
One of the other big drivers ofour moods are the conversations
we choose to have with others,and maybe more importantly, the
conversation we have withourselves. So we've been talking
a lot about that. Changing yourmood to more positive,
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absolutely often has to do withchanging your internal
conversation with yourself andequally important is the
conversations you do and youdon't have with those people
that you do life with, that youhave relationships with. And
then lastly is the physicalhabits we have or we don't have
and we'll talk about that morein a future episode about the
number of typical habits thatespecially Americans have that
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shape moods negatively orpositively.
So just that's just a recap onemotions and moods. So today,
let's look at four very powerfulmoods that define our lives
heavily influence our actions,and this will make sense when I
go through them. And in manyways, I'm going to claim create
our experience in life. They'rethe driver of our experience for
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this journey. So, let me paintthis picture, what are the Four
Basic Moods? Imagine I've heardit called a four box grid. So
it's a four box grid, or I liketo think of it as more of like a
table with two columns and tworows. And so at the top of the
table, the headers for thecolumns are the word on the left
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column are facts. And on theright column, the header
possibility. So across the top,we've got facts and possibility.
So imagine this in your mind'seye and then down the left side,
the header for the rows are onthe top header, top column
header is except.
And the bottom row header is notaccept, or in parentheses, you
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could think of it as the wordoppose. And so we've got across
the top facts and possibilitiesdown the left side accept, not
accept or oppose. And so howhuman beings orient themselves
to facts and possibilities,accepting or not accepting,
create some really interestingmoods, it's the ground in which
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these moods can begin to showup. So let's start with this
four box grid, the bottom leftmood. So we're talking about the
intersection between notaccepting or opposing and the
facts. Actually, let me pause,let me go back and define facts
and possibilities across thetop. So what do I mean by facts
and possibility?
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So facts, let's talk aboutfacts. What are the facts of
your life? Think of it this way,your past and your present? So
anything that has happened inyour past? Can you go back and
change any events of your lifethat have happened in the past?
No, you can't. Can you changehow you assess or interpret
them? Absolutely, at any timeand that's often actually what
we're saying, it is yourassessment,I accept it or is
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your assessment, I don't acceptthis that's often that often
creates different moods. Andthen facts are also what's so in
the present, right? And so rightnow I'm 5 11 and three quarters,
I weigh 208 pounds, I live atthis address those are facts.
Facts, typically are theassertions we talked about from
a previous episode. Facts arepast and present.
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Possibilities, the other headerat the top are If you think
about it are your future. What'spossible for you as you imagine
or look out to your future? Andso again, coming back to the
left side, how human beingsorient themselves to it is
really interesting. I can livein acceptance of those two, or I
can not accept or oppose thosetwo. And again, that's where
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some really interesting moodsstart to get set up. So coming
back again, to the bottom leftbox. What do we call the place
in which we are not inacceptance of the facts of our
life? So what does this soundlike? Oftentimes, I think these
are your shoulds and shouldn'tthat you run through in your
head, or you say out loud, thatindicate you're not accepting of
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some aspects of your past orwhat's so in the present the
facts. So might sound like, Ishouldn't have to work for this
boss, I should have beenpromoted.
Not this person, they're anidiot, I shouldn't have to work
for them, or I shouldn't havethis job, I should have a better
job, I should make more money,that kind of thing. So lots of
shoulds and shouldn't it my lifeshouldn't be this way. The
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circumstances I don't like Idon't accept them, it shouldn't
be that way. So it has thatflavor to it and then it often
has a sense of, over the courseof my life. I've been wronged by
someone in some way. So there'san element of blame to it. So
it's like this never should havehappened to me, and I can't get
over it. They never should havedivorced me, they divorced me
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and they took the kids and theyleft my bank account empty and
it's wrong, it never should havehappened. Or in my case,
remember, I talked to you aboutthe mood I was in because of my
parents ISS for alcoholics.
And the way they parented me fora number of years, I just lived
in an internal conversation, itshould not have been this way.
They wronged me, they harmed me,and my life is not working
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because of them. So what do wecall that mood when we are just
sitting in this place,especially when we feel someone
has wronged us and we blame themfor our life. Guess what we call
this mood, this is resentment.Maybe you think of the word
bitterness. But this is when Iresent someone for something
they did or said over time, oreven it can be a singular event.
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And let's talk a little bitabout this mood. It's an
incredibly powerful mood. Firstthing I'll say is it's corrosive
to the person that's inresentment. It's eating them up,
I've heard it put this way, whenI'm resentful at you. I'm going
to drink poison trying to killyou. So I think when I keep my
resentment against you ateactually harms me, it's
So this is fertile ground, notacceptance, or opposing the
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corrosive to me. And rememberwhat we just said a minute ago,
facts of our life past andpresent, is the ground for
all moods and emotionspredispose us to act. So if
you've ever been resentful, whatdo you imagine, the action we
resentment to rise.
want to take when we resentsomeone is, it's revenge or
payback. We want to get themback. So I had a lot of internal
noise, a lot of head noise abouthow I was going to pay my
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parents back. Or I just actuallyI didn't think about it a ton.
But I would find myselfconstantly digging and doing
little things to pay them backto get them back jabs at that,
because underlying resentmentwas sitting there and it showed
up in our relationship all thetime. And so that's the power of
resenting someone is I heard itsaid this way, it's like if
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you're you are a container, yourclear glass of water. Resentment
is like taking black ink in adropper and dropping it into the
water. It doesn't just stayright there, it permeates the
whole glass. So it is corrosiveto you almost in your whole
life. It just happens to gettriggered a lot when you're
around the person or the thingthat you resent the most.
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I remember my old businesspartner Chalmers used to say
that it occupies a lot of rentin your headspace and I have
found that to be true. That'soften the cue for me when I know
I'm resenting something, it's Ican hear myself having this
payback conversation in my headwith somebody. I'm imagining how
the next conversation is goingto go down and what I'm gonna
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say, and I'm gonna get themback. It's just really a
difficult mood to find yourselfin. So that's the bottom left
box fundamentally, ground forresentment. Well, we're not
accepting or opposing the factsof our life, the things that
have happened in the past. Andlook, most of us have had things
that have happened in the pastthat we don't like we wish they
hadn't happened, but they did.
(14:34):
But if you're not acceptingthem, you are inviting
resentment into your life. Let'smove to the bottom right box of
the four box grid. Now we'relooking at the intersection not
accepting or opposingpossibilities in our life, the
future what could happen in ourfuture. So, that often sounds
like a conversation when youlook to the future and you
imagine what your career couldbe or how your personal life
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could be. You hear this a lot,that just won't work for me.
That's not going to happen forme, or a lot of the language out
here is, we've tried that beforeand it's just not going to work.
Or some sense of, there'snothing I can do at this point,
no action I can take to changethe future.
It's going to unfold the wayit's going to unfold. I don't
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like it, nothing's going well,I'm doomed. That is pretty kind
of a catastrophic look. But it'sa deep sense of the
possibilities in my life for thefuture are diminished, or there
are none. So what mood do youthink this is? It's also an R
word, this is calledresignation. Think about the
root of that resigned. I'vegiven up in life. I've resigned
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when I look to my future, orwhen others around me say you
could do this, you could do thatresignation will speak. Nope.
It's not going to work for methat's not possible for me.
In our culture, I often thinkthis is akin to the popular word
in our culture of depression. Ithink I just speak of it
differently. It's not a wordthat I use a lot depression, I
talk about it as a mood ofresignation, but it's powerful.
(16:04):
It's incredibly powerful. Whereresentment predispose the action
of revenge or payback,resignation predisposes
inaction, we don't want to doanything. The times that I've
been resigned in my life, Iliterally just I say it this
way, when I'm teaching aworkshop. I just want to sit on
the couch, watch TV and eatCheetos.
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I don't want to do anything.Like that's often resignations
got me by the but when I thinkabout what's possible. I don't
want to do it and I might eventhink I should do this, or I
should do that. But right behindit will be no. It won't work,
It's like an help. Anyway,that's resignation talking.
Okay. So those are the twobottom moods obviously, you can
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see they're more quote,negative, unquote, moods. Even
though moods don't havequalities of positive and
negative. Let's go to the topones.
Let's move up to the typicallymore positive moods, top left
box. I'm now in full acceptanceof the facts of my life. All
that has happened in my past andwhat's so in the present? Does
(17:07):
that mean I like it or condoneit? No, it just means I'm in
acceptance of it. I've had somebad things happen. In my past,
I've talked with you about myupbringing and my family and the
way I perceived it and thealcoholism and I could give you
a lot of examples of events thatoccurred that just constantly
ammunition for me to playthrough my head and keep me
(17:27):
resentful. When I finally cometo acceptance of it, it's like
so if you've ever heard of thephilosophy of It Is What It Is.
That's acceptance.
Okay. So when a human lives, andI accept all the good, and all
the bad of my life, it is whatit is and I have possibilities.
They get to be peaceful. So thisis the mood of peace, peaceful
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people do not fight or opposetheir past and what's so in the
present. They don't spend thatmental energy, they accept it
and move to peace really quickand then they figure out. Okay,
what do I want to do now? Sothat the full acceptance of what
so you get to be peaceful. WhenI think about the action that's
often available in peace, it'sjust a calm, groundedness. And
(18:13):
you might even say, it reallyallows you it pushes you more
towards being fully present inthe moment, maybe he's one way
to think about it.
So that's the third of the fourbasic moods. Let's look at the
last one, the top now we're atthe intersection of accepting
possibility. So when I look tothe future, it's almost like I'm
not only to accept them. I'mreally open to them and I'm
(18:34):
generating a lot ofpossibilities. So as I've
started doing this podcast, I'venoticed myself getting more and
more in this mood because Ithink, wow, this is possible.
And this episode could happenand maybe the way this impacts
people could create thisopportunity. Perhaps, I generate
more clients. Perhaps I reach awhole lot of people and it makes
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a big shift that's coming. I'mspeaking from this particular
mood.
When you're in a conversationwith another person, it often
feeds on one another. If I comein and say, hey, you know what
Joe, on this project we could dothis and this, and Joe says,
yeah we could also do this. AndI go, wow, I didn't even
consider this, we could also dothis other thing. So the mood
that happens when we live inacceptance or openness to
(19:17):
possibility. There's a couple ofwords, I'm going to give you
ambition or enthusiasm. Pickwhichever one you want, like
ambition or enthusiasm. If youthink about most really good
leaders, they live in this mood,ambition or enthusiasm and what
that means is they tend to see alot of possibilities in life.
(19:39):
And they converse with a lot ofpeople to try to help them see
those possibilities, to enrollthem in those possibilities, to
motivate them based on theirambition and enthusiasm because
remember, moods can becontagious. And so by having
those conversations, there'soften a good chance. We can pull
other people into ambition,enthusiasm. And remember like
(20:00):
we've been saying, all moodscome with action. So think about
the action of ambition andenthusiasm. It's a lot of
action. I have found in my ownlife that when I start taking
action, it goes really well. Italmost like ambition breeds more
ambition. As I have successes, Istart thinking more and more
things that are possible.
And who knows how big it can getat that point. So those are the
four basic moods across the toppiece, and ambition or
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enthusiasm on the bottom,resentment and resignation. And
you can imagine, I'd say this,the top two are better than the
bottom two, not qualitatively.But really just the action
that's available, the lifeexperience that's going to
happen, the experience is goingto unfold. I think I'm assessing
is a lot better from the top tothe bottom to I have lived in
(20:48):
the bottom two. I think I toldyou in the moods episode, when I
discovered this work. I realizedthat I had a lot of resignation
about my life and then when Ibegan to peel that back and
look, I found a lot ofresentment underneath it.
So Chalmers and I still oftenrefer to these as like kissing
cousins, they are often tied toone another. So given that, what
(21:13):
do we do if we find ourselves inthe bottom two. So let's start
with resentment. You are inresentment, you're resenting
someone else. You're blamingthem, they shouldn't have done
this, they shouldn't have donethat. Maybe they're still in
your life. Maybe they're notstill in your life. Maybe
they're gone. But they're goneout of your life, but you're
carrying the resentment forward.How do you get out of it in the
(21:35):
move with this chart is straightup on both sides? We move from
resentment to peace and we movefrom resignation to ambition or
enthusiasm.
But we're talking aboutresentment, how do we get out of
resentment, there are threeprimary ways in which we move
and I'm gonna give them to youkind of an order of easiest,
what I think are hardest. So thefirst is, let's say there's
(21:57):
something you resist. So I usean example, a lot of times like
around the house, let's sayyou're married, and here is his
head, the way your wife leaves,some of our clothes in the
bathroom, you shouldn't be doingthat. Or maybe just a husband or
wife, it's like, you resent thatthey load the dishwasher
different than you load it theright way they load it the wrong
way. By the way, resentment,when we're stuck in, it often
(22:19):
comes with a lot ofrighteousness about our view.
And a lot of invalidation ofother people's view, or the fold
the towels rollaway, or thetoilet paper is supposed to go
over the bottom instead of thetop.
So we're resenting the otherperson. Those are kind of, I
think simple things. Althoughthey often drive us crazy that
we can just do the first thingwhich is just accept it, a
(22:40):
declaration of acceptance, youknow what? In the grand scheme
of things, this person'swonderful, have a lot of great
qualities. And this is so minor.I just accept this. And it
allows you to let go theresentment and be peaceful. It's
like mentally getting your headaround it, that's the first
step. Sometimes if it's a littlemore severe than that, then the
(23:01):
second step we would say iswhere language comes to the
rescue. Make a request for themto change their behavior. So you
can make an ask of them, tellthem. Listen, this really makes
me resentful. When you do this,here's why explain it.
Hopefully they're receptive. Yousay, Would you be willing to
change it? Hopefully they'll sayyou know what, yeah, for you, I
(23:24):
will commit to working on thatit's not going to be perfect.
But I'll do my best. And let'simagine they change over time.
And they fulfill your request,they keep their commitment, that
resentment will start to ease infact, they often will start to
ease right away if they changetheir behavior. However, guess
what? What if you ask and theysay no, I like that about
myself, I'm not going to do itdifferently.
(23:46):
Guess what you are left with?Back to the first thing, you
just have to decide, do I acceptthis or not accept this, I had a
coach one time it said you knowwhat, in relationship, it's
pretty simple. You can eitheraccept the person for all of who
they are, you can ask them tochange and hopefully they will
and it'll happen. Or you canleave, that's kind of it. Or you
(24:07):
can avoid, right? The latteroption of not accepting and if
you stay, especially, there'sgoing to be a lot of suffering,
probably a lot of resentment. Orif you avoid, there's going to
be a lot of suffering. And soit's not that complicated really
comes down in many ways in lifetoo. How quickly can you accept
what's so in your life? Okay, sothat's the second one making a
(24:28):
request. The third one is thebiggie.
And this often is when we feellike someone's really wronged us
harm, just messed up our life,like I did with my parents
around what I've told you about.I felt like my life was screwed
up because of them. They werenot the parents, they should
have been I was right aboutthat. And I was resenting them
so as paying them back. And thisis often connected to past
(24:52):
events. The big move you canmake, and often in our culture,
we say you gotta let go of it.It's eating you up. Right cool.
So the big move here y'all isforgiveness. This is where the
power of forgiveness comes in.It's incredibly powerful. I
remember when I forgave myparents finally, it was like
this massive weight lifted offof my shoulder.
(25:14):
Can't remember if I told thestory earlier, but it was about
the fifth conversation I wouldhave had with my mentor, just
going through my story yet againabout what was wrong with me and
why it was my parents fault. Andhe kept saying, Mark, you're
being self righteous, you got toforgive them and move on.
Finally, I did. And it was likethis huge parting of the clouds,
(25:35):
massive weight off my shoulders.And honestly, things began to
shift bright away in lots ofdifferent areas of my life. I
would still say to this day,it's one of the top three most
powerful things I've ever done.And I did it in private by
myself. So when I talk aboutforgiveness, am I saying you
have to go and, quote, confrontthe person forgive them? No, you
(25:56):
don't. It's really more aboutyou.
So think about it, who is theforgiveness for, it's for the
person that's in resentment, theforgiveness is a gift for the
forgive or not the forgive it.But that's often the trap we
have is we think we have to paythem back. If I forgive them, I
condone what they did. Or I'msaying they're right, and I'm
(26:17):
wrong. These are all the excuseswe use not to forgive other
people. So that we can be right.And we can blame when we don't
realize I am really paying theprice for this moment to moment
every day. So forgiveness ishuge. I implore you, if you are
harboring any resentment toanybody these days, really dig
(26:38):
into this episode. And forgivethem, it is the gift to you, it
will let you off the hook. Itallows you to be peaceful and
you move to you know what, Idon't like this, I wish it
hadn't happened. But I acceptthat it is what it is. It's part
of my journey. And I forgivethem.
Interestingly enough, as well,it's not just about others,
(27:00):
other people or other things wecan resent you can also resent
yourself, I work with people alot who resent some of the
behavior, the actions they'vetaken in their life, they live
in a conversation of wanting togo back and change it, wishing
they could change it, feelingguilt and shame around it. And
constantly rehearsing it againand again, in their mind, and
(27:20):
the gift would be to forgivethemselves. That may be even the
most important place to start.So that's the third way to move
out of resentment is throughforgiveness. And there's a lot
of spiritual talk about this outthere.
And I just wanted to paint apicture for how powerful that is
and how we can do itimmediately. It's a gift to
ourselves. So that's from thebottom left from resentment to
(27:42):
peace. moved to the bottomright. We said this was the mood
of resignation. So we're nowwanting to move out of
resignation feeling stuck, miredin the muck giving up in life up
to ambition or doozy ism. Whatare some ways to do that, we'll
give you a couple quick ways. Ifyou remember the Nike slogan,
just do it is a really hard whenyou're in resignation, because
(28:04):
remember, the inclination is notto act.
But if we can somehow mentallypierce that and just get
ourselves to get up, get moving,take one little action take one
step, what I often find is if wecan take that step and have some
success, it'll crack theresignation, start to breathe,
let a little ambition or a doozyhasm seep in there, which we can
(28:27):
then use as the fuel for ournext action in our next action.
It's really difficult to havefound even as a coach and when
I'm resigned because bothresentment or resignation are
very familiar moods to me. Butwhen I'm resigned, it's often
hard to get out of it by myself.So it asked you to enroll other
people in your life and ask themlike when you see me getting in
(28:48):
this place, please come get mehelp me get me moving, give me
an action.
So the first one is just theNike slogan, just do it. The
second way out of resignation iswe say have a conversation of
possibilities with anotherobserver. So does that mean talk
to someone you trust that youlisten to even if you're
(29:08):
resigned and say, You know what,I just don't see anything
possible here. What you see, andhopefully they like, look, I
think you could do this and thisnow again, resignation is going
to want to give them the Yeah,but right away. But if you can
park that long enough and reallytry to listen, and then make
some commitment to new action inthat conversation. It can be the
(29:29):
thing that gets the ballrolling, and moves you out of
resignation. So that's the movefrom resignation up to ambition,
enthusiasm. And again, I want tobe clear, I didn't say this
earlier, but both fromresentment to peace and from
resignation, ambition,enthusiasm, it's often not just
a one time thing.
This is work. This is time andpractice growth. To create
(29:53):
learning it often takes sometime to move from that bottom,
those bottom moods up to thetop. But it's well worth it if
you stayed the course, I think Itold you in a previous episode,
my primary mission that I shootfor these days is peace. And I
love it. When I visit ambitionand enthusiasm, I'd love to stay
in those top two minutes.They're fantastic. So that's
(30:15):
really it for today. I hope thishas been as powerful as I hoped
it would be for you. Let's moveto where we always move is a
summary of what we talked about.
Remember, emotions are differentthan moods. We can't control our
emotions or short term, but wecan shape or design our moods.
And that's really where ourfocus was today. We talked about
the four basic moods, rememberwhat they are peace, ambition,
(30:39):
enthusiasm across the top,resentment and resignation
across the bottom. And I didn'tsay it earlier. But my suspicion
would be you've been in everyone of those moods at some point
in your life where you might bein a combination of those moods
right now, it's not unusual.
But I wanted to give you a senseof understanding them how you
got there, and then some ways tomaybe begin to shift out of
(30:59):
that. So we talked about themoves to go from resentment to
peace, three ways declaration ofacceptance, making a request, or
forgiveness, often verypowerful. From resignation to
ambition, we talked about theNike slogan, just do it, get an
action, or have a conversationwith another person about what
(31:20):
they see as possible for you.Because you don't see anything.
So what's your homework? As weclose, I would say think about
those bottom two moods, andchoose either resentment or
resignation. We notice you're inthat it's got to buy the butt.
And it's a move that you'd liketo shift out of or begin to
shift out of and begin toreflect on an answer these
(31:42):
questions. If you chooseresentment, who or what do you
resent? And why do you resentthem? What are the facts you're
not accepting? Write them down.Remember, resentment lives at
the intersection of notaccepting the facts of your
life. So think about that. Whatare the facts? I'm not willing
to accept and write those down?And then next would be what
(32:05):
moves could you make up thosethree or combination of those
three to free yourself from thisresentment?
And your head is likely to chimein there and talk about what's
possible and what's not. Butwhat's in your way of doing that
immediately. Maybe it's you'vebeen unwilling to forgive
somebody what's in the way,because I'll say it again,
(32:25):
often. we're unwilling toforgive other people because we
don't want to condone what theydid. Or there's just a lot of
self righteousness around ourview. There's, there's a lot of
actually self righteous aroundboth of those moods. Like the
way I'm seeing this is right,and my resentment is right, or
the way I'm seeing this isright, and my resignation is
(32:45):
right. So examine that. Andthink about what's in your way
and give it up.
one area, you could be peacefuland others are ambitious and
have been they have one slice ofyour life that you're resigned?
What are you telling yourself?That's not possible in this area
(33:09):
when you think about it? And canyou see those are just
assessments not the truth, it'sjust your view? And what move or
moves could you make to freeyourself from resignation in
this area? That the Nike just doit to commit right now to one or
two simple actions to get theball rolling? Or is it a
conversation with someone elseabout possibilities, it'll be up
(33:32):
for you to decide.
So as we close today, I wouldsay good luck doing the homework
if you choose to commit to it,good luck practicing. Remember
baby steps and let's see whathappens. See what you discover
in the process. So be well WakeUp And Pay Attention listeners.
I hope you have a wonderful nextweek and I'll be talking to you
(33:53):
very soon. Take care.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
or inspired new thinking, dropme a note. I'd love to hear your
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
(34:14):
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well be present, live fully andauthentically. Wake Up And Pay
Attention.
Welcome to Wake Up And PayAttention. The podcast fueling
(00:03):
positive change from the insideout. I'm Mark Robertson, your
host. With over 25 years as aprofessional coach, I'm thrilled
to explore the personal growthtools that have helped me and
hundreds of people just like youdesign and awaken to their best
life. If you've ever feltoverwhelmed and unfulfilled,
like you're just going throughthe motions day after day, maybe
(00:24):
you're afraid one day all theballs are going to drop, you're
in the right place. Together,let's expand our self awareness
and make sustainable shifts thatimprove our communication
skills, relationships, andoverall well being. This is a
judgment free zone whereopenness, understanding and
support rule. So grab yourheadphones and get ready, it's
(00:46):
time to Wake Up And PayAttention.
Greetings, Wake Up And PayAttention listeners greetings to
you from midtown, the loftsrecording studio in Nashville,
Tennessee. That's the name thatI'm working with are trying on
for my in home office recordingstudio that I'm creating these
(01:10):
episodes on,so greetings. Todayis Episode 10, which I can't
believe that we've alreadygotten this far. There's already
10 episodes down and it justseems to get more and more fun
as I'm doing this, each of theseepisodes. So again, my typical
word is I'm excited orenthusiastic about bringing this
(01:31):
next episode to you today. Sowhere are we headed today?
We've spent the last fewepisodes seven, eight and nine
actually in the world oflanguage looking at if you
recall, assessments andassertions. So I decided just
trust my intuition on a pivotback to one of the other three
circles. So we're moving awayfrom language, we're gonna pin
it back to our emotional state.Remember, the three circles are
(01:54):
language, emotion and body? Sowant to visit our emotional
state and we covered this ideajust briefly in episode 4 when
we looked at emotions and moodsand I want to return to
something that I mentioned inthat that episode, which are
called the Four Basic Moodsthat's going to be our focus for
today's podcast.
In my assessment, this is one ofthe most powerful ontological
(02:17):
distinction that I can offeryou. If you pay attention to
nothing else that I have foryou. In these episodes, I would
say really pay attention to thisone because it can dramatically
affect your life experience,this would be the one to really
focus on. And it's one that Ifind myself doing time and time
again, called the four basicmoods. Today, we'll look at what
(02:38):
those are, we'll look at how Ifind ourselves in them, or how
we find themselves findourselves in which two are
better than the other two, sincethey're four, and how to shift
out of the two that are not sogreat because I find that if we
stay in those, it often createsmaximum suffering in our lives
both for us and for others inour life.
(02:59):
So, buckle up and get ready fora potentially life changing
episode today. So before I diginto the Four Basic Moods, let's
do it. Just a quick recap aroundthe whole idea of emotions and
moods. Remember, we said thoseare different, they're not the
same thing. So remember,emotions, they are short term,
there's always a trigger that wecan point to that triggers us
(03:21):
into the emotion and we can'tcontrol them. My belief or
assessment is that it's notsomething we can control. It's
just our body's physiologicalresponse to a triggering event.
We're all wired to haveemotions, we can of course,
become more emotionally awareand we can certainly learn how
to respond to them differently.But I don't think we really have
(03:42):
any control over them. So that'semotions.
Moods are more long term,there's not a trigger that we
can point to, we often find thatwe've settled into a mood over a
period of time and it's oftenhard to explain how we got here.
It's often harder to see moodsin ourselves. It's easy
sometimes to see them in others,but often hard to identify them
(04:04):
in ourselves. But moods are muchmore powerful, I believe after
doing this for 26 years indetermining our day to day life
experience. It's really a lotabout the journey you have on
the planet. This go round isoften a function of the mood
that you happen to live in. Andso remember this both emotions
(04:25):
and moods we say arepredispositions for action.
So both of us, allow us to seecertain actions and take certain
actions but not take others. Nowemotions typically were
triggered into pushed into thataction really quickly. With
moods, it's a bit different,it's more about from this mood,
I can't see an action and theactions that I want to take may
(04:48):
not be very effective action.So, literally when you find
yourself in a mood and let'sjust label it maybe a negative
mood. You literally may not beable to take the action that you
think you should at that time,like, intellectually, you're
telling yourself, you should dothis, you should do that. But
your mood won't allow it. That'show powerful moods can be.
(05:10):
But here's the good news. We dohave some power and ability, I
believe, to shape our moods andlife to design our mood and
life. I think that's a reallyimportant piece to focus on if
we're looking at growth andchange. But the actions we need
to take to do that are a littlebit different than some of our
(05:30):
typical actions that we take forchange. So what do I mean about
that? Remember, our emotionalworld moods and emotions lives
in the limbic system of ourbrain, it's the interior part of
our brain. It's different thanthe neocortex, the upper part of
our brain. That's where we doour logical rational thinking
and our planning, that limbicsystem of our brain where our
(05:51):
emotional world is housed,learns through immersion, tying
those together. We begin todesign a different mood in life
through new immersive practices,it's kind of a way to think
about it new immersive habits.So what does that mean? We need
to pay attention to who we spendtime with, because moods are
contagious.
And so if we want to shift froma quote negative to a quote
(06:13):
positive move, we need to hangaround with positive people. We
need to pay attention to theenvironments we put ourselves in
professionally and personally,what's the mood? I'm sitting in
when I'm at an event, a concert,in my office with a group of
people, and we need to choose toI want to stay in this.
Remember, I called them swimmingpools, it's every time we do
that, we jump in that swimmingpool, and we get that mood water
(06:36):
on us. So do I want to stay inthis pool? Or do I want to leave
this pool because it's not goingto support me in designing the
mood that I want.
One of the other big drivers ofour moods are the conversations
we choose to have with others,and maybe more importantly, the
conversation we have withourselves. So we've been talking
a lot about that. Changing yourmood to more positive,
(06:57):
absolutely often has to do withchanging your internal
conversation with yourself andequally important is the
conversations you do and youdon't have with those people
that you do life with, that youhave relationships with. And
then lastly is the physicalhabits we have or we don't have
and we'll talk about that morein a future episode about the
number of typical habits thatespecially Americans have that
(07:20):
shape moods negatively orpositively.
So just that's just a recap onemotions and moods. So today,
let's look at four very powerfulmoods that define our lives
heavily influence our actions,and this will make sense when I
go through them. And in manyways, I'm going to claim create
our experience in life. They'rethe driver of our experience for
(07:43):
this journey. So, let me paintthis picture, what are the Four
Basic Moods? Imagine I've heardit called a four box grid. So
it's a four box grid, or I liketo think of it as more of like a
table with two columns and tworows. And so at the top of the
table, the headers for thecolumns are the word on the left
(08:04):
column are facts. And on theright column, the header
possibility. So across the top,we've got facts and possibility.
So imagine this in your mind'seye and then down the left side,
the header for the rows are onthe top header, top column
header is except.
And the bottom row header is notaccept, or in parentheses, you
(08:28):
could think of it as the wordoppose. And so we've got across
the top facts and possibilitiesdown the left side accept, not
accept or oppose. And so howhuman beings orient themselves
to facts and possibilities,accepting or not accepting,
create some really interestingmoods, it's the ground in which
(08:51):
these moods can begin to showup. So let's start with this
four box grid, the bottom leftmood. So we're talking about the
intersection between notaccepting or opposing and the
facts. Actually, let me pause,let me go back and define facts
and possibilities across thetop. So what do I mean by facts
and possibility?
(09:12):
So facts, let's talk aboutfacts. What are the facts of
your life? Think of it this way,your past and your present? So
anything that has happened inyour past? Can you go back and
change any events of your lifethat have happened in the past?
No, you can't. Can you changehow you assess or interpret
them? Absolutely, at any timeand that's often actually what
we're saying, it is yourassessment,I accept it or is
(09:34):
your assessment, I don't acceptthis that's often that often
creates different moods. Andthen facts are also what's so in
the present, right? And so rightnow I'm 5 11 and three quarters,
I weigh 208 pounds, I live atthis address those are facts.
Facts, typically are theassertions we talked about from
a previous episode. Facts arepast and present.
(09:56):
Possibilities, the other headerat the top are If you think
about it are your future. What'spossible for you as you imagine
or look out to your future? Andso again, coming back to the
left side, how human beingsorient themselves to it is
really interesting. I can livein acceptance of those two, or I
can not accept or oppose thosetwo. And again, that's where
(10:20):
some really interesting moodsstart to get set up. So coming
back again, to the bottom leftbox. What do we call the place
in which we are not inacceptance of the facts of our
life? So what does this soundlike? Oftentimes, I think these
are your shoulds and shouldn'tthat you run through in your
head, or you say out loud, thatindicate you're not accepting of
(10:41):
some aspects of your past orwhat's so in the present the
facts. So might sound like, Ishouldn't have to work for this
boss, I should have beenpromoted.
Not this person, they're anidiot, I shouldn't have to work
for them, or I shouldn't havethis job, I should have a better
job, I should make more money,that kind of thing. So lots of
shoulds and shouldn't it my lifeshouldn't be this way. The
(11:04):
circumstances I don't like Idon't accept them, it shouldn't
be that way. So it has thatflavor to it and then it often
has a sense of, over the courseof my life. I've been wronged by
someone in some way. So there'san element of blame to it. So
it's like this never should havehappened to me, and I can't get
over it. They never should havedivorced me, they divorced me
(11:27):
and they took the kids and theyleft my bank account empty and
it's wrong, it never should havehappened. Or in my case,
remember, I talked to you aboutthe mood I was in because of my
parents ISS for alcoholics.
And the way they parented me fora number of years, I just lived
in an internal conversation, itshould not have been this way.
They wronged me, they harmed me,and my life is not working
(11:50):
because of them. So what do wecall that mood when we are just
sitting in this place,especially when we feel someone
has wronged us and we blame themfor our life. Guess what we call
this mood, this is resentment.Maybe you think of the word
bitterness. But this is when Iresent someone for something
they did or said over time, oreven it can be a singular event.
(12:21):
And let's talk a little bitabout this mood. It's an
incredibly powerful mood. Firstthing I'll say is it's corrosive
to the person that's inresentment. It's eating them up,
I've heard it put this way, whenI'm resentful at you. I'm going
to drink poison trying to killyou. So I think when I keep my
resentment against you ateactually harms me, it's
So this is fertile ground, notacceptance, or opposing the
(12:44):
corrosive to me. And rememberwhat we just said a minute ago,
facts of our life past andpresent, is the ground for
all moods and emotionspredispose us to act. So if
you've ever been resentful, whatdo you imagine, the action we
resentment to rise.
want to take when we resentsomeone is, it's revenge or
payback. We want to get themback. So I had a lot of internal
noise, a lot of head noise abouthow I was going to pay my
(13:06):
parents back. Or I just actuallyI didn't think about it a ton.
But I would find myselfconstantly digging and doing
little things to pay them backto get them back jabs at that,
because underlying resentmentwas sitting there and it showed
up in our relationship all thetime. And so that's the power of
resenting someone is I heard itsaid this way, it's like if
(13:29):
you're you are a container, yourclear glass of water. Resentment
is like taking black ink in adropper and dropping it into the
water. It doesn't just stayright there, it permeates the
whole glass. So it is corrosiveto you almost in your whole
life. It just happens to gettriggered a lot when you're
around the person or the thingthat you resent the most.
(13:51):
I remember my old businesspartner Chalmers used to say
that it occupies a lot of rentin your headspace and I have
found that to be true. That'soften the cue for me when I know
I'm resenting something, it's Ican hear myself having this
payback conversation in my headwith somebody. I'm imagining how
the next conversation is goingto go down and what I'm gonna
(14:13):
say, and I'm gonna get themback. It's just really a
difficult mood to find yourselfin. So that's the bottom left
box fundamentally, ground forresentment. Well, we're not
accepting or opposing the factsof our life, the things that
have happened in the past. Andlook, most of us have had things
that have happened in the pastthat we don't like we wish they
hadn't happened, but they did.
(14:34):
But if you're not acceptingthem, you are inviting
resentment into your life. Let'smove to the bottom right box of
the four box grid. Now we'relooking at the intersection not
accepting or opposingpossibilities in our life, the
future what could happen in ourfuture. So, that often sounds
like a conversation when youlook to the future and you
imagine what your career couldbe or how your personal life
(14:56):
could be. You hear this a lot,that just won't work for me.
That's not going to happen forme, or a lot of the language out
here is, we've tried that beforeand it's just not going to work.
Or some sense of, there'snothing I can do at this point,
no action I can take to changethe future.
It's going to unfold the wayit's going to unfold. I don't
(15:18):
like it, nothing's going well,I'm doomed. That is pretty kind
of a catastrophic look. But it'sa deep sense of the
possibilities in my life for thefuture are diminished, or there
are none. So what mood do youthink this is? It's also an R
word, this is calledresignation. Think about the
root of that resigned. I'vegiven up in life. I've resigned
(15:41):
when I look to my future, orwhen others around me say you
could do this, you could do thatresignation will speak. Nope.
It's not going to work for methat's not possible for me.
In our culture, I often thinkthis is akin to the popular word
in our culture of depression. Ithink I just speak of it
differently. It's not a wordthat I use a lot depression, I
talk about it as a mood ofresignation, but it's powerful.
(16:04):
It's incredibly powerful. Whereresentment predispose the action
of revenge or payback,resignation predisposes
inaction, we don't want to doanything. The times that I've
been resigned in my life, Iliterally just I say it this
way, when I'm teaching aworkshop. I just want to sit on
the couch, watch TV and eatCheetos.
(16:25):
I don't want to do anything.Like that's often resignations
got me by the but when I thinkabout what's possible. I don't
want to do it and I might eventhink I should do this, or I
should do that. But right behindit will be no. It won't work,
It's like an help. Anyway,that's resignation talking.
Okay. So those are the twobottom moods obviously, you can
(16:47):
see they're more quote,negative, unquote, moods. Even
though moods don't havequalities of positive and
negative. Let's go to the topones.
Let's move up to the typicallymore positive moods, top left
box. I'm now in full acceptanceof the facts of my life. All
that has happened in my past andwhat's so in the present? Does
(17:07):
that mean I like it or condoneit? No, it just means I'm in
acceptance of it. I've had somebad things happen. In my past,
I've talked with you about myupbringing and my family and the
way I perceived it and thealcoholism and I could give you
a lot of examples of events thatoccurred that just constantly
ammunition for me to playthrough my head and keep me
(17:27):
resentful. When I finally cometo acceptance of it, it's like
so if you've ever heard of thephilosophy of It Is What It Is.
That's acceptance.
Okay. So when a human lives, andI accept all the good, and all
the bad of my life, it is whatit is and I have possibilities.
They get to be peaceful. So thisis the mood of peace, peaceful
(17:50):
people do not fight or opposetheir past and what's so in the
present. They don't spend thatmental energy, they accept it
and move to peace really quickand then they figure out. Okay,
what do I want to do now? Sothat the full acceptance of what
so you get to be peaceful. WhenI think about the action that's
often available in peace, it'sjust a calm, groundedness. And
(18:13):
you might even say, it reallyallows you it pushes you more
towards being fully present inthe moment, maybe he's one way
to think about it.
So that's the third of the fourbasic moods. Let's look at the
last one, the top now we're atthe intersection of accepting
possibility. So when I look tothe future, it's almost like I'm
not only to accept them. I'mreally open to them and I'm
(18:34):
generating a lot ofpossibilities. So as I've
started doing this podcast, I'venoticed myself getting more and
more in this mood because Ithink, wow, this is possible.
And this episode could happenand maybe the way this impacts
people could create thisopportunity. Perhaps, I generate
more clients. Perhaps I reach awhole lot of people and it makes
(18:55):
a big shift that's coming. I'mspeaking from this particular
mood.
When you're in a conversationwith another person, it often
feeds on one another. If I comein and say, hey, you know what
Joe, on this project we could dothis and this, and Joe says,
yeah we could also do this. AndI go, wow, I didn't even
consider this, we could also dothis other thing. So the mood
that happens when we live inacceptance or openness to
(19:17):
possibility. There's a couple ofwords, I'm going to give you
ambition or enthusiasm. Pickwhichever one you want, like
ambition or enthusiasm. If youthink about most really good
leaders, they live in this mood,ambition or enthusiasm and what
that means is they tend to see alot of possibilities in life.
(19:39):
And they converse with a lot ofpeople to try to help them see
those possibilities, to enrollthem in those possibilities, to
motivate them based on theirambition and enthusiasm because
remember, moods can becontagious. And so by having
those conversations, there'soften a good chance. We can pull
other people into ambition,enthusiasm. And remember like
(20:00):
we've been saying, all moodscome with action. So think about
the action of ambition andenthusiasm. It's a lot of
action. I have found in my ownlife that when I start taking
action, it goes really well. Italmost like ambition breeds more
ambition. As I have successes, Istart thinking more and more
things that are possible.
And who knows how big it can getat that point. So those are the
four basic moods across the toppiece, and ambition or
(20:26):
enthusiasm on the bottom,resentment and resignation. And
you can imagine, I'd say this,the top two are better than the
bottom two, not qualitatively.But really just the action
that's available, the lifeexperience that's going to
happen, the experience is goingto unfold. I think I'm assessing
is a lot better from the top tothe bottom to I have lived in
(20:48):
the bottom two. I think I toldyou in the moods episode, when I
discovered this work. I realizedthat I had a lot of resignation
about my life and then when Ibegan to peel that back and
look, I found a lot ofresentment underneath it.
So Chalmers and I still oftenrefer to these as like kissing
cousins, they are often tied toone another. So given that, what
(21:13):
do we do if we find ourselves inthe bottom two. So let's start
with resentment. You are inresentment, you're resenting
someone else. You're blamingthem, they shouldn't have done
this, they shouldn't have donethat. Maybe they're still in
your life. Maybe they're notstill in your life. Maybe
they're gone. But they're goneout of your life, but you're
carrying the resentment forward.How do you get out of it in the
(21:35):
move with this chart is straightup on both sides? We move from
resentment to peace and we movefrom resignation to ambition or
enthusiasm.
But we're talking aboutresentment, how do we get out of
resentment, there are threeprimary ways in which we move
and I'm gonna give them to youkind of an order of easiest,
what I think are hardest. So thefirst is, let's say there's
(21:57):
something you resist. So I usean example, a lot of times like
around the house, let's sayyou're married, and here is his
head, the way your wife leaves,some of our clothes in the
bathroom, you shouldn't be doingthat. Or maybe just a husband or
wife, it's like, you resent thatthey load the dishwasher
different than you load it theright way they load it the wrong
way. By the way, resentment,when we're stuck in, it often
(22:19):
comes with a lot ofrighteousness about our view.
And a lot of invalidation ofother people's view, or the fold
the towels rollaway, or thetoilet paper is supposed to go
over the bottom instead of thetop.
So we're resenting the otherperson. Those are kind of, I
think simple things. Althoughthey often drive us crazy that
we can just do the first thingwhich is just accept it, a
(22:40):
declaration of acceptance, youknow what? In the grand scheme
of things, this person'swonderful, have a lot of great
qualities. And this is so minor.I just accept this. And it
allows you to let go theresentment and be peaceful. It's
like mentally getting your headaround it, that's the first
step. Sometimes if it's a littlemore severe than that, then the
(23:01):
second step we would say iswhere language comes to the
rescue. Make a request for themto change their behavior. So you
can make an ask of them, tellthem. Listen, this really makes
me resentful. When you do this,here's why explain it.
Hopefully they're receptive. Yousay, Would you be willing to
change it? Hopefully they'll sayyou know what, yeah, for you, I
(23:24):
will commit to working on thatit's not going to be perfect.
But I'll do my best. And let'simagine they change over time.
And they fulfill your request,they keep their commitment, that
resentment will start to ease infact, they often will start to
ease right away if they changetheir behavior. However, guess
what? What if you ask and theysay no, I like that about
myself, I'm not going to do itdifferently.
(23:46):
Guess what you are left with?Back to the first thing, you
just have to decide, do I acceptthis or not accept this, I had a
coach one time it said you knowwhat, in relationship, it's
pretty simple. You can eitheraccept the person for all of who
they are, you can ask them tochange and hopefully they will
and it'll happen. Or you canleave, that's kind of it. Or you
(24:07):
can avoid, right? The latteroption of not accepting and if
you stay, especially, there'sgoing to be a lot of suffering,
probably a lot of resentment. Orif you avoid, there's going to
be a lot of suffering. And soit's not that complicated really
comes down in many ways in lifetoo. How quickly can you accept
what's so in your life? Okay, sothat's the second one making a
(24:28):
request. The third one is thebiggie.
And this often is when we feellike someone's really wronged us
harm, just messed up our life,like I did with my parents
around what I've told you about.I felt like my life was screwed
up because of them. They werenot the parents, they should
have been I was right aboutthat. And I was resenting them
so as paying them back. And thisis often connected to past
(24:52):
events. The big move you canmake, and often in our culture,
we say you gotta let go of it.It's eating you up. Right cool.
So the big move here y'all isforgiveness. This is where the
power of forgiveness comes in.It's incredibly powerful. I
remember when I forgave myparents finally, it was like
this massive weight lifted offof my shoulder.
(25:14):
Can't remember if I told thestory earlier, but it was about
the fifth conversation I wouldhave had with my mentor, just
going through my story yet againabout what was wrong with me and
why it was my parents fault. Andhe kept saying, Mark, you're
being self righteous, you got toforgive them and move on.
Finally, I did. And it was likethis huge parting of the clouds,
(25:35):
massive weight off my shoulders.And honestly, things began to
shift bright away in lots ofdifferent areas of my life. I
would still say to this day,it's one of the top three most
powerful things I've ever done.And I did it in private by
myself. So when I talk aboutforgiveness, am I saying you
have to go and, quote, confrontthe person forgive them? No, you
(25:56):
don't. It's really more aboutyou.
So think about it, who is theforgiveness for, it's for the
person that's in resentment, theforgiveness is a gift for the
forgive or not the forgive it.But that's often the trap we
have is we think we have to paythem back. If I forgive them, I
condone what they did. Or I'msaying they're right, and I'm
(26:17):
wrong. These are all the excuseswe use not to forgive other
people. So that we can be right.And we can blame when we don't
realize I am really paying theprice for this moment to moment
every day. So forgiveness ishuge. I implore you, if you are
harboring any resentment toanybody these days, really dig
(26:38):
into this episode. And forgivethem, it is the gift to you, it
will let you off the hook. Itallows you to be peaceful and
you move to you know what, Idon't like this, I wish it
hadn't happened. But I acceptthat it is what it is. It's part
of my journey. And I forgivethem.
Interestingly enough, as well,it's not just about others,
(27:00):
other people or other things wecan resent you can also resent
yourself, I work with people alot who resent some of the
behavior, the actions they'vetaken in their life, they live
in a conversation of wanting togo back and change it, wishing
they could change it, feelingguilt and shame around it. And
constantly rehearsing it againand again, in their mind, and
(27:20):
the gift would be to forgivethemselves. That may be even the
most important place to start.So that's the third way to move
out of resentment is throughforgiveness. And there's a lot
of spiritual talk about this outthere.
And I just wanted to paint apicture for how powerful that is
and how we can do itimmediately. It's a gift to
ourselves. So that's from thebottom left from resentment to
(27:42):
peace. moved to the bottomright. We said this was the mood
of resignation. So we're nowwanting to move out of
resignation feeling stuck, miredin the muck giving up in life up
to ambition or doozy ism. Whatare some ways to do that, we'll
give you a couple quick ways. Ifyou remember the Nike slogan,
just do it is a really hard whenyou're in resignation, because
(28:04):
remember, the inclination is notto act.
But if we can somehow mentallypierce that and just get
ourselves to get up, get moving,take one little action take one
step, what I often find is if wecan take that step and have some
success, it'll crack theresignation, start to breathe,
let a little ambition or a doozyhasm seep in there, which we can
(28:27):
then use as the fuel for ournext action in our next action.
It's really difficult to havefound even as a coach and when
I'm resigned because bothresentment or resignation are
very familiar moods to me. Butwhen I'm resigned, it's often
hard to get out of it by myself.So it asked you to enroll other
people in your life and ask themlike when you see me getting in
(28:48):
this place, please come get mehelp me get me moving, give me
an action.
So the first one is just theNike slogan, just do it. The
second way out of resignation iswe say have a conversation of
possibilities with anotherobserver. So does that mean talk
to someone you trust that youlisten to even if you're
(29:08):
resigned and say, You know what,I just don't see anything
possible here. What you see, andhopefully they like, look, I
think you could do this and thisnow again, resignation is going
to want to give them the Yeah,but right away. But if you can
park that long enough and reallytry to listen, and then make
some commitment to new action inthat conversation. It can be the
(29:29):
thing that gets the ballrolling, and moves you out of
resignation. So that's the movefrom resignation up to ambition,
enthusiasm. And again, I want tobe clear, I didn't say this
earlier, but both fromresentment to peace and from
resignation, ambition,enthusiasm, it's often not just
a one time thing.
This is work. This is time andpractice growth. To create
(29:53):
learning it often takes sometime to move from that bottom,
those bottom moods up to thetop. But it's well worth it if
you stayed the course, I think Itold you in a previous episode,
my primary mission that I shootfor these days is peace. And I
love it. When I visit ambitionand enthusiasm, I'd love to stay
in those top two minutes.They're fantastic. So that's
(30:15):
really it for today. I hope thishas been as powerful as I hoped
it would be for you. Let's moveto where we always move is a
summary of what we talked about.
Remember, emotions are differentthan moods. We can't control our
emotions or short term, but wecan shape or design our moods.
And that's really where ourfocus was today. We talked about
the four basic moods, rememberwhat they are peace, ambition,
(30:39):
enthusiasm across the top,resentment and resignation
across the bottom. And I didn'tsay it earlier. But my suspicion
would be you've been in everyone of those moods at some point
in your life where you might bein a combination of those moods
right now, it's not unusual.
But I wanted to give you a senseof understanding them how you
got there, and then some ways tomaybe begin to shift out of
(30:59):
that. So we talked about themoves to go from resentment to
peace, three ways declaration ofacceptance, making a request, or
forgiveness, often verypowerful. From resignation to
ambition, we talked about theNike slogan, just do it, get an
action, or have a conversationwith another person about what
(31:20):
they see as possible for you.Because you don't see anything.
So what's your homework? As weclose, I would say think about
those bottom two moods, andchoose either resentment or
resignation. We notice you're inthat it's got to buy the butt.
And it's a move that you'd liketo shift out of or begin to
shift out of and begin toreflect on an answer these
(31:42):
questions. If you chooseresentment, who or what do you
resent? And why do you resentthem? What are the facts you're
not accepting? Write them down.Remember, resentment lives at
the intersection of notaccepting the facts of your
life. So think about that. Whatare the facts? I'm not willing
to accept and write those down?And then next would be what
(32:05):
moves could you make up thosethree or combination of those
three to free yourself from thisresentment?
And your head is likely to chimein there and talk about what's
possible and what's not. Butwhat's in your way of doing that
immediately. Maybe it's you'vebeen unwilling to forgive
somebody what's in the way,because I'll say it again,
(32:25):
often. we're unwilling toforgive other people because we
don't want to condone what theydid. Or there's just a lot of
self righteousness around ourview. There's, there's a lot of
actually self righteous aroundboth of those moods. Like the
way I'm seeing this is right,and my resentment is right, or
the way I'm seeing this isright, and my resignation is
(32:45):
right. So examine that. Andthink about what's in your way
and give it up.
one area, you could be peacefuland others are ambitious and
have been they have one slice ofyour life that you're resigned?
What are you telling yourself?That's not possible in this area
(33:09):
when you think about it? And canyou see those are just
assessments not the truth, it'sjust your view? And what move or
moves could you make to freeyourself from resignation in
this area? That the Nike just doit to commit right now to one or
two simple actions to get theball rolling? Or is it a
conversation with someone elseabout possibilities, it'll be up
(33:32):
for you to decide.
So as we close today, I wouldsay good luck doing the homework
if you choose to commit to it,good luck practicing. Remember
baby steps and let's see whathappens. See what you discover
in the process. So be well WakeUp And Pay Attention listeners.
I hope you have a wonderful nextweek and I'll be talking to you
(33:53):
very soon. Take care.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
or inspired new thinking, dropme a note. I'd love to hear your
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
(34:14):
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well be present, live fully andauthentically. Wake Up And Pay
Attention.
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