July 20, 2024 • 37 mins
Have you ever noticed how two people can look at the same thing and see it completely differently, effectively seeing two different worlds?
In this episode, I talk about my recent eye surgery and how it viscerally reminded me of where our power lies to change our perspective on anything or anyone in our life- by changing yourself, in here, and not trying to change reality, what’s out there!..
I also dive into the power of making effective requests and why being clear and specific can make a huge difference in both personal and professional relationships. Find out the six key elements of an effective request and how they can help you avoid misunderstandings and get better results.
You’ll discover why we often fear hearing "no" and how giving people the freedom to decline can actually improve your relationships. Plus, I share some thoughts on the importance of asking for help and receiving help—a lesson I learned the hard way after my surgery.
Join me as I explore these themes and more. Let’s start seeing the world differently, not just as it is, but as we are—and as we can be.
- Mark
Let’s connect:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrobertsonpcc
Email: mark@coachmark.com
Website: www.coachmark.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mark Robertson (00:00):
Welcome to Wake Up and Pay Attention, the
(00:02):
podcast fueling positive changefrom the inside out. I'm Mark
Robertson, your host. With over25 years as a professional
coach, I'm thrilled to explorethe personal growth tools that
have helped me and hundreds ofpeople just like you design and
awaken to their best life. Ifyou've ever felt overwhelmed and
unfulfilled, like you're justgoing through the motions day
(00:23):
after day, maybe you're afraidone day all the balls are going
to drop, you're in the rightplace. Together, let's expand
our self awareness and makesustainable shifts that improve
our communication skills,relationships, and overall
wellbeing. This is a judgmentfree zone where openness,
understanding and support rule.So grab your headphones and get
(00:45):
ready, it's time to wake up andpay attention.
Hello, Wake Up and Pay Attentionlisteners or WUAPA listeners as
I've been prone to say thesedays. Here we come with another
episode. I think this is episode16 for podcasts, I'm excited to
roll into this today and getanother one cut for my listeners
(01:08):
out there and hopefully the newlisteners as well. So I will
start today with what I think isa fascinating place to start,
which was an experience I hadrecently that just solidified
yet again, the power of theontological distinctions that
I've been teaching you now for afew months. And it's related to
(01:28):
the experience I had with my eyesurgery. I know in the last
podcast episode around capacitymanagement, I mentioned that I
was having surgery. And I did Ihad a cornea transplant. So let
me tell you what happened andhow it was a big aha again for
me.
So I had my surgery on July, thefirst they transplanted another
human beings layer in membrane,something like that of their
(01:53):
cornea into my left eye. And soI literally have someone else's
partial cornea in my left eye,which is hopefully now becoming
mine. So the donor graft. Andyou know, the process, as you
can imagine, I went through itwith the eye open. And I won't
go into the details about howthat happens. But it was wild.
And I came out with a surgicalpatch. And I had my sister who
(02:16):
was kind enough to be here for acouple days to take care of me
because one of the things youhave to do for the first 24
hours is to lay flat, theyactually put an air bubble on
top of the graft. Andessentially, gravity helps it
attach to my eye. So you layflat.
And then the next couple ofdays, you're up two hours down
two hours. Well, when the airbubble began to go away and my
(02:38):
vision began to return. Thingswere very blurry, but at some
point, it started to becomeclear. And this amazing thing
happened. So one morning I wastaking my dog out like I do
every morning and I went out tothe back area behind my condos
here at Midtown lofts. We have areally fantastic pool area with
grills and I think it's called apergola. Lots of plants really
(03:01):
colorful and vibrant in manyways back there.
So I took my dog out. And I wasbeginning to get vision back
fairly well in the left eye. Andthen of course, I had my vision
in my right eye. And I began tonotice, oh my gosh, like these
are different. So let me tellyou how I recognized that. So I
was looking kind of justchecking my left eye to see how
(03:23):
clear things were how blurrythings were. And I noticed
around the top of the pool, thetiling area around the top of
the pool below the edge of thepool in which you walk on. Were
the were the markers to tell youhow deep the pool was how many
feet deep, but also this tilingwas this brilliant blue color.
It was amazing.
I was like wow, that's a reallyrich blue. And then I closed my
(03:46):
left eye the surgical one and Iopened my right eye and I was
like wow, that's a really mutedblue. And I began to think whoa,
that's I mean literally they'revery different looking which
ones which which one's correct.And I began to look at other
things like plants and stuff.Grass in the fencing which was
black and tan. Other parts ofthe pergola area which are tan I
(04:09):
began to notice out of my newsurgical I not new surgical but
new cornea, everything was morevivid, the colors were more
vivid and richer. And while theywere yet to be very clear, there
was a granularity to everything.It was like I looked down at the
grass and I was seeingindividual blades and little
details that I could not seewith my right eye.
(04:31):
It was much more muted. In myright eye. The colors were not
as vivid it was not as crisp.And it was like whoa, this is
wild. And one thing it did washelped me to realize that you
know, I have this condition inboth eyes. It just so happens
that the left eye got worse thanthe right eye and so the right
eye has it as well. And now thatI have this quote new eye, it's
(04:53):
amazing how much better I cansee and how much more richer the
colors are. But then the big ahahit there was ontological I was
like, oh my gosh, this isexactly what we talk about
ontologically. Like, if you wantto change your reality with a
little r, it literally is aboutchanging how you see that
(05:13):
reality. It's about changingyou.
And so I was reminded of thephrase, here's the phrase, we
don't see the world the way itis, we see the world the way we
are. And we say it again, wedon't see the world the way it
is, we see it the way we are. Soin a way, what that's talking
about is you cannot reallyaccess the native reality out
(05:35):
there. Through your eyes,because of the way we're made.
Because of our biology, the waywe're structured, we see the
world based on who we are, ourway of being, our history, our
background, the culture, we grewup in all those things that have
shaped what I've been talking toyou about for 15 episodes now.
Your way of being the observerthat you are the way you see the
(05:58):
world has you see the world theway you see it not the way it
is?
I went in and research theexpression like where did it
come from? Because I know I'vebeen saying it for years. It's
attributed to a Anaïs Nin. Andhe actually said that this way
we don't see the world as it is.We see it as we are. And if
(06:18):
there was this massive Aha, I'mlike, wow, this is truly the
power, to change our reality, tochange our life circumstances to
change the relationships we havewith others to change the way we
look at our jobs, the people inour lives, our current
situation, our suffering, youknow, I talked, I think I talked
(06:40):
somewhere in the beginning aboutso much of our life, I think for
many of us, there's a lot ofunnecessary suffering, and a lot
of that suffering is a functionof how we see the world.
So this, I literally wasthinking, wow, I have a new
corneal layer from someone elsein my left eye. They saw the
(07:00):
world this way, my right eye,the old me so to speak, sees the
world this way, they're not thesame. And it just drove that
point home. Yet again, in thisvisceral now physical powerful
way. It wasn't like it was justtheory for me before because
I've known this, and I've taughtit, but it was just this amazing
experience. And so I want tojust open today with that
(07:24):
experience to give you hope andoptimism about your life.
Remember, I said in one of theearlier episodes, you can't
change anyone else, the onlyperson you can change is you.
And yes, there are people in ourlives that do frustrating things
like I suppose one thing youcould change are the people that
are in your life, you can leaveand make a different choice, or
you could change jobs. And weoften do, I'm just asking us to
(07:47):
look in an area now of like,really our power for change our
real leverage, because we'rewith us 24/7 is in changing who
you are, the way you see it, theobserver you are. And this just
reminded me of that. And toremind you of how do we do that,
it's really beginning to look atthose three key areas that make
up the observer, we are- ourlanguage, our emotions, and our
(08:09):
body, that are highly integratedand coherent and congruent with
one another. And beginning tolook at all the things we've
talked about. So far thedifferent speech acts and our
belief systems and our judgmentsand then looking at the emotions
and moods we find ourselves in,you know, have we lost our
emotional flexibility in life.And we're stuck in a certain set
(08:30):
that has us see the world in acertain way that isn't working,
creating suffering.
And then you know, obviously,the body circle, right? The
posture we've shaped over time,the way we walk, the way we
move, all of that is part of howwe see the world. And there's an
opportunity to change some ofthat, too. So I hope that makes
sense. I just wanted to sharethat experience as we get
(08:52):
started today. And then inaddition to that today, where
don't want to hit, I really kindof want to touch on at least at
a high level, a few more of thespeech acts in particular one of
the speech acts which we callrequests, and then the
accompanying speech act thatgoes with it are offers and
you'll see later that theyactually have the same elements,
they're just sort of going whatI would say is going in a
(09:13):
different direction. And so youknow, this will get us to the
place now where I think it'swe're almost done with all of
the basic ontologicaldistinctions that I wanted to
get out there, just with me onthe podcast and not interviewing
others and starts to open upthat window coming soon in the
future of beginning to interviewothers on the podcast, bringing
(09:34):
other voices on here that canexpand on this work and or, you
know, just we can bringdifferent observers on to talk
about discuss their perspective,how they see current challenges
and issues in the world that arereally important and relevant.
So let me get into request andwe'll see how far I can cover
this today. Given you don't wantto take an hour and a half.
We'll try to do this withinabout 25 to 30 minutes. So I'll
(09:57):
start this way. If you rememberin the last episode, episode 15,
I discussed capacity management.I said, you know, time
management doesn't work. It'sreally about promise management
or looking where you commit yourcapacity. And we have a finite
capacity in life, all of us have24 hours a day, seven days a
week. And so that's what we needto focus on around that. But
(10:21):
today sort of beckons us intothe realm of how do we get into
promises? How do we makecommitments. And what I find
that the way we often get intothat is someone asks us to do
something, someone makes an askof us, or what we would call,
someone makes a request of it.
And I often am talking aboutthis subject in a organizational
context, working with teams andleaders and their teams on this,
(10:44):
because that's a lot of the workthat teams do is what I call is
coordinate their action with oneanother, they have to have these
conversations that coordinateaction, which means making
effective requests andgenerating promises and
fulfilling on those promises.And so that applies certainly
here when I'm talking aboutwhat's an effective request. But
(11:06):
I also want you to think aboutthis also happens in your
personal life, right to do lifewith your friends. If you're
married or have a partner, thenyou have to coordinate action
constantly with them, like who'sgoing to pick this up, who's
going to do this, you know, youdivide up tasks and conquer,
especially if you have children,I noticed when I was married and
had stepchildren, and it was aton of coordination of action
(11:27):
that we had to do.
And so this is these are theconversations, we have to have
to do life with other humanbeings. And hopefully do it
smoothly and do it well. Okay.And so this, what I'm going to
teach you about making effectiverequests can help you personally
and professionally. And so Ioften lead off with this. Have
you ever asked someone forsomething in your life? Like,
(11:50):
yeah, at work or at home? Andyou think, Man, that's a really
good, clear, specific asks Imade? And they don't need to
clarify with you at all. Theysay, Yeah, I'll do that. Happy
to do that. Yes. So now you'vegone from request to an
acceptance, and now you have acommitment from them. And they
go do what you thought theycommitted to, and they come
back, say, Hey, I did it. Andyou're like, wait a minute,
(12:11):
that's not what you committedto. And that's not even at all
what I asked you to do. Youknow, and so often, our
tendency, then is to point thefinger at them and say, What's
up, like, you didn't listenwell, or you didn't understand
me or something like that. Andthat could be the case. But what
I've often found in tracing backexecution issues, let's call
(12:33):
them that in organizations, ordoing life issues in personal
relationships.
What I often have found is theasker, the requester, they're
asked was not effective, it wasnot effective, it did not have
the six elements of an effectiverequest built into it. So I want
to teach you that today. So thatyou can make sure that every ask
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you make from this pointforward, has these elements
built into it, or you have beenmaking this ask with that person
for so long, and they knowclearly what they are, and you
don't have to spell it out. Butusually, when we don't spell it
out, we're not specific andclear, it just opens up lots of
room for the other person,remember, who sees it
differently than you differentobserver to interpret your ask
(13:18):
differently than you intended.And now we've got issues or
challenges. Okay.
So what are the elements of aneffective request, I'm going to
give them to you right now. Andthen I'm going to talk in a
little detail about each ofthem. And then I want to talk
about sort of some real lifescenarios that I see unfolding
that make this complicated.
So what are they here they are,first element is the rationale
or the why of your ask. Thesecond and third element are
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what we call the committedspeaker for an ask and a
committed listener for an ask.So those three of the six I
would say kind of combined, theway I talk about it is they
formed the context for a goodask the foundation for good ask
there the frame in there, likethe fundamental elements that
have to be in place for the theasked for the content of the
(14:06):
asked to come afterwards. Sothere's the context for a good
request. And actually, by theway, I don't explicitly talk
about this as one of theelements all the time, but the
emotion or mood is part of thatcontext, you know, tone how you
ask for what you ask matters. SoI'll just throw that in there
now, that's not something Iusually specifically talk about.
(14:27):
So those three are the context.And then the next three are like
the nuts and bolts of a reallygood ask. So you certainly want
to catch this part.
Number four, specific futureaction. I'll talk about that
here in a second. Number five,which can go with number four is
my conditions of satisfaction.So we call that conditions of
(14:47):
satisfaction. And then numbersix, often left off or very
vague is a specific timeframe.So you'll notice there's a word
I'm using a couple of times inthere which is specific. Let me
hit you with this- In life ingeneral, I want all of your
asked to be as specific aspossible and as clear as
possible, do not be afraid ofgetting assessed as pushy, or
(15:12):
micromanaging. It just means youhave a fundamental understanding
that other human beings arealways interpreting what you
say. They may misinterpret whatyou want with this particular
speech act of and ask. So it'sreally critical and important
that you're specific and clear.Do not assume that they know
what you want, when you want it.Or if they can do it in the way
(15:34):
that you're talking about. Okay,a little tangent I took there.
So let me back up and explainthese now. Okay.
So what is the rationale? Thewhy pretty obvious, right? It's
like, why are you asking forwhat you're asking for? What's
your rationale, remember, we'reall different observers, we see
things differently. So givingthe I call them the potential
performer, person that could bemaking the commitment to execute
(15:57):
on your ask, giving them therationale or the Y can be
incredibly helpful for them tounderstand why you want them to
do what you want them to do. Itcan be the very thing that
dictates whether they buy in ornot. It could even open up a
conversation about understandingand the why before they even
decide to accept it. I'veactually heard from performers
(16:17):
on the other end of managementor leadership asks, in
organizations a lot like 'Mark,I don't know why we do this, I
really don't understand why wedo this,' which tells me that
two things happen. One was theoriginal requester didn't give
the rationale or the why. Andthen the performer for some
reason whether they weren'tcourageous enough or not, they
didn't ask for the why. So therewas a breakdown on both sides of
(16:39):
the conversation.
I think I heard this said onetime and I say it all the time.
Now I don't really know where itcomes from. But the idea was
that research shows that whenperformers clearly understand
the rationale or the why, thenthey're more likely to stick to
their commitment to get it donewhen it gets difficult and
challenging and they encounterhurdles. Okay. And all of a
(17:00):
sudden, I just thought about ina personal setting like kids,
and particularly teenagers, youknow, maybe it's important to
give them the rationale or thewhy think about little kids that
go through that why why why whywhy phase which can drive
parents crazy, right? But that'sit's the same thing. Okay. So
there's the rationale and thewhy really important, I'll say
this caveat to that is, ifyou've been doing this ask and
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they've been performing on itfor a long, long time, whether
it's professional or personal,and you're both comfortable with
the way it's happening. Youdon't need to give the rationale
or the why anymore, it's oftenwhen we're going in a new
direction, or asking somethingnew of them that you really need
to get the rationale or the why.
The next two elements, if youremember, are called the
committed speaker and thecommitted listener. So what's a
(17:44):
committed speaker, I think youget the sense. If you're asking
for something from somebody, andyou really want them commit to
it, make sure to commit to it,make sure you're committed to it
as well. So don't waffle, don'tback up, don't use the language
of something like if you get achance, I know you're really
busy. And this could be aproblem. And I don't want to
inconvenience you. But I reallyhave something important that I
(18:06):
want to ask of you. That's not acommitted speaker. A committed
speakers is their present fullygrounded and says, Hey, listen,
here's what I would like you todo for me, please, something
along those lines. And so in theorganizational settings I often
talk about, you know, a goodsign that you know, you don't
have a committed speaker is whenperformers start pushing back on
(18:27):
the ask, and then they say,'Well, you know, the boss, this
is what the boss wants us to do'that it's a giveaway for you're
not committed speaker. Okay, Ithink that makes sense to you.
Maybe more importantly, on theother side of any good
conversation is a committedlistener of fully present
committed listener that's notmultitasking, not looking at
their phone, not doing anythingelse, but listening to you in
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the conversation as you make theask. And so I think we all have
had instances where we realizethe person we're the one making
the ask or the speaker, and werealize this person isn't fully
committed, but I'm going to makethe ask anyway. Or we say, 'Hey,
can I ask you something?' Soyeah, go ahead, and we see them
doing something else. And weplow forward with our ask
anyway. So what I would say isthis, because it's your ask as
(19:15):
the committed speaker, it's yourresponsibility to solicit and
make sure you have a committedlistener, don't go forward if
you don't. I often will, willstop and tell people okay, well,
I'll continue when you're done.And they are surprised by it.
But I see and I want to makesure I have a committed
listener.
One last thing is that reallycommitted listeners is the you
know, we do a lot ofcoordination of action via text
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and via emails. And so you canimagine that, you know, rather
than face to face, where wedon't get some of these bodily
cues or emotional cues, youknow, coordination of action can
get slippery, around having acommitted listener, especially
with emails, right. Just becauseyou sent off an email and made
an ask doesn't mean you knowthat you've got a committed
listener. So there are ways inwhich teams and organizations
(20:00):
can agree to certain standardsby which they create a committed
listener. Like you might hear,you might see an email, it says,
I'll get back to you on this,I'll give you a response on this
within a business day. Or youmight hear that in an email,
they're basically saying, I'llbe a committed listener within
this timeframe to you. And I'llgive you a response. Okay, so
now we've got committed speakercommitted listener. Now, the
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nuts and the bolts.
The next one, number fourspecific future action, what do
you want them to do? And I wouldsay to you, especially if this
is your first time asking, spellit out clearly, and you might
even need to preface it withlisten, I'm gonna go into a
whole lot of detail. I'm nottrying to offend you, I don't
want to insult yourintelligence, I just know that
(20:43):
human beings can misinterpreteven the simplest of
instructions. So here's what Iwould like you to do for me, and
spell it out. I want this done,in this way, in this order, with
this particular configuration,and give them all the
specificities that you know, sothat they can clearly process
what you want, and then give youa fully informed decision on it.
(21:06):
So specific future action, youcould ask someone, 'Hey, would
you cut my grass? Or you couldsay, Would you cut my grass?
Would you cut it in thisdirection? Would you cut it at
this height with this pattern onthis side of the house,' and so
you get it specific futureaction.
The next one is calledconditions of satisfaction. So I
mentioned earlier, these kind ofgo together, usually you'll see
(21:28):
one or the other, but not both.So what is conditions of
satisfaction, it's often one weuse when it's often helpful to
clearly spell those out. Butwhat in my experience, it's one
we use, when we don't clearlyknow what we want, kind of a
general sense of what we wantthe end product to be or to look
like or the experience maybe wewant to have. So we have a
condition of satisfaction, likeonce it's done, we know what we
(21:51):
want the look and feel andexperience to be to be
satisfied. But we don't know howthey're going to get there. So
we can't clearly give themspecific action. In many cases,
it's often where you let otherpeople use their creativity and
their talents, because they're,they're the experts to get you
where you want them to go. Butyou've got to clearly
articulate, I don't know howyou're going to do this, use
(22:13):
your creativity and yourexpertise. But here's what I
need to see and how it needs tolook and deal in order for me to
be satisfied as the requester orthe customer. So again, we don't
often do those two together,because from my perspective, if
you ask in great detail, andthen you say, hey, and these are
my conditions of satisfaction, Ithink that does start to feel a
(22:34):
bit overwhelming. And we mighteven start to label that as
micromanaging. Though, it'sreally not if that's the way
that you have to do it.
And then the last element is aspecific timeframe. So as soon
as possible is not a specifictimeframe, when you get a chance
is not a specific timeframe, atyour earliest convenience is not
(22:55):
a specific timeframe. If youknow what you want. And when you
want it, spell it out, bespecific and asked for it. I
would like you so and so to dothis for me in this way. By 3pm
central time tomorrow. That is aspecific timeframe. And you'd be
amazed at how often I thinkwe've probably all had it where
timezone issues trip us up here.So be specific with your
(23:16):
timeframe. I'll say this ingeneral, most people I find
avoid specificity and claritythey make vague asks the when
they know exactly what theywant, or when they want it. But
they're afraid of how they'regoing to be assessed. They're
afraid they're going to bejudged as pushy. They're afraid
that oh, this is an ask of myboss, I don't want to push them.
But I would happily make thisask of my direct report. Or I
(23:40):
did this is my spouse, and Idon't want to push them. But I
would happily make this ask ofmy buddy. So notice those
nuances like what gets in yourway in life, when you make asks
of other people, it is somethingto learn about you. There's
something going on with you thatyou may avoid specificity and
clarity around requests. So Ihope that makes sense. Those are
(24:00):
the elements of an effectiverequest.
Now, some other aspects to this.And I kind of alluded to this
one earlier, but we call it thebackground of obviousness. If in
the relationship we've beendoing this making asks and
making commitments and executingon them really well for a number
of years, you've had an employeethat's worked with you for
years, or it's your spouse andyou've been married for 20
years, you have a largebackground of what's obvious to
(24:23):
both of you a sharedunderstanding. And so you don't
have to be this specific anddetailed. You might say, 'Hey,
sweetheart, can you do thisthing for me that we always do?'
'Yeah, babe. I got it.' Right,as opposed to the very detailed
stuff that I was mentioningbefore. Okay. It's called the
big background of obviousness.Okay.
Now, what's another culturalelement that we often find with
(24:46):
that sometimes people are veryvague and don't really want to
ask for what they want when theywant to, because they're afraid
of hearing what answer? No, I'mnot going to accept your ask
they're so afraid of no's inlife to their asks, social asks
professional ask, like I do, andthey don't ask for exactly what
(25:07):
they want when they want it.Why? Because no isn't just a
simple two letter word itequates for a lot of us in our
culture to rejection. If you sayno to me, you're rejecting me
and we say. A no is simply adecline to my ask. It's not
personal. It truly is notpersonal. Even if it's something
(25:30):
you dearly want them to do. It'snot about you, it's about
honoring them, and giving themfull permission to decline. In
fact, the way I was taught isit's only an effective request
that the other person has fullpermission to decline, even in
the workplace. Now, we talkedabout this last time, you know,
a lot of no's are off the tablebecause that's your job. But
(25:53):
some no's may need to come backon the table in the workplace so
that people aren'tovercommitted, and overwhelmed
and stressed, but especially inyour personal life. Make sure
you give other people you're inrelationship with, especially
important people, fullpermission to decline. No, thank
you. I don't want to do that.
There is great dignity andfreedom in relationship when all
(26:13):
parties realize and know thatthey have full permission to
decline other people's asks. Andquite candidly, I don't see this
happening a ton inrelationships. There's all this
pressure and obligation. Oh, Ihave to say yes, because of this
or that, or they'll hold itagainst me or I know how I'll
pay dearly if I don't say yes, Imean, all that nonsense, is
(26:35):
unnecessary suffering that'sbeen created in relationships.
So the way I was taught wasthis, it's like, what are you
doing? What are you reallydoing? When you go to ask
somebody to do stuff? They'll dosomething for you? And you won't
take no for an answer. Then whatare you doing to them? You're
manipulating them. And how doyou feel when people are trying
(26:56):
to manipulate you when there'sno room to say no. For most of
us, we go quickly to the mood ofresentment. And we resent that
we may not say anything, butthat anger and that resentment
goes underground. and by gosh,somewhere along the line
somewhere down the road, we'regonna pay him back. And
oftentimes, if we're, there's nofreedom to do this make ask and
decline in a relationship, likemake healthy choices about I
(27:17):
want to do this, you want to dothat, hey, let's go do our
separate thing. resentmentsbuilt and built and built and it
undercuts and eats at therelationship in many, many ways.
And we could go into that atsome point in more detail. But
the main point is, if you arethe person who will take no for
an answer, be careful becauseyou are manipulating other human
beings, you're robbing them oftheir dignity and their freedom
(27:38):
in many ways you're trying to,they're not strong enough to
stand up against you. And youwill probably create
relationships with a bunch ofresentment.
And so these are some otheraspects that I learned about
effective requests and ways todo it well in healthy, effective
relationships. As we begin tomove towards the end, though, I
want to touch on somethingthat's been relevant for me of
(27:58):
late which is this whole notionof asking for help from others,
have been come keenly aware ofhow much I don't ask for help,
and how I'm learning to ask moreand more for help to involve
others. In my life, remember,the 'me' in the 'we' episode to
have so much more 'we.' And partof that, I think, is asking
others for help when I realizedthat I needed, and then also the
(28:19):
hold act of receiving help, youknow, why do we not do that
more, it's like, because wedon't want to be an
inconvenience to others, etcetera, et cetera, I don't want
to cause some trouble. But flipit, think about it. Most people
I when I say this, again, it'slike when people in your life
that you're close to or thatmatter to you ask you for help,
(28:40):
and want you to help them, manyof us will trap what we're
doing, or drop commitments toother things ourselves, just to
help them like It's like we'rehonored when they ask for help,
and we're honored when we canhelp them. And so think about
this, when you don't ask forhelp you rob that other person
of giving that experience toyou. You shortcut that
(29:01):
opportunity for them to honoryou and serve you in many ways.
I had an example of thisrecently, after my surgery,
where for a week, I couldn'tlift heavy stuff. And I had dog
food that I had ordered in abox, probably 30-40 pounds that
arrived that I needed to godownstairs and get. So trying to
figure out a way to go down andget it by myself and I had
(29:23):
finagle this notion about getone of our carts that we have,
which is about waist high. AndI'll quickly pick the box up off
the ground and put it up on thecart. That won't be too much
trouble, you know, not reallycheating around restrictions on
lifting. And then I got downthere and I realized, Oh, the
box was already on a table whichwas about waist high. So all I
have to do is slide it over ontothe cart, wheel it into my
(29:43):
house, pull the cart right up infront of my freezer, and unload
it. So boom, got it? Well, I hadalso thought about you know,
I'll probably run into somebodyand I'll ask them if they'll
help me and sure enough, I raninto a good friend of mine here
named Brandon. And I said, 'Hey,man, could you help me with
something?' So he's like 'What'stha?t And I told him, he said,
'Sure, absolutely, man.' I toldhim why the rash. I said, I
(30:05):
can't because my eye and I can'tlift anything to do. 'It's good.
I got it'. He said, however, sohe counteroffer me said,
however, I'm doing this, so, solet me do my thing and finish
that up. And I'll just bringyour box up to you at your door.
And I said, 'Great, that soundsgreat.' And I went and got on
the elevator, and then all thesudden, something in me change.
And I was like, no, no, no, Ican't do that. So I went down, I
(30:26):
got the cart. I rolled it up,and he was standing there
already doing his thing. He'slike, what's up? You know, I
like fell dead. Bring it to yourdoor. I said, Well, you know, I
had an idea. And I want to doit.
So basically, I just offered aBS excuse of like, here's why I
can't accept your help. And Idon't think he was taken aback.
But it was just like, 'Huh,' youknow, and so we loaded his stuff
in my stuff on the cart, we goton the elevator, I was like, I
(30:48):
really appreciate you helpingme. And then as we got the
elevator, he goes, 'Look, man,he goes, I'll roll the card
around your house, I'll unloadthis for you.' And I wouldn't
accept it again. I was like,'Nah, man, I got it.; When I say
once you just grab your bag, itwas dog food also, and I'll roll
from here. So twice, I asked himfor help and twice kind of
didn't give him the opportunityto serve me. Because on some
(31:10):
levels, like I wasn'tcomfortable doing it. It was
weird. But I remember afterwardsand gosh. He was being very
gracious and willing to help meand I wouldn't accept it. What
is that about?
So I literally, especiallybecause I had surgery and need
help, I've been really workinghard lately, to accept people's
help more. And to accept it inthe way they offer it. It may
(31:32):
not look the way I want, butI'll accept it in the way they
offer it. So the last piece thatI'll say with regard to this is
just I think it's a way westrive for connection with other
human beings that's dramaticallymissing in our culture these
days. Remember, when I did the'me' and the 'we', the 'we' part
is about connection. I thinkwe're missing so many connection
(31:52):
opportunities with other humanbeings because we don't ask. And
even then, when maybe we do ask,we don't accept it sometimes. Or
we don't often accept here's theother speech act of request.
It's an offer. We don't accepttheir offers to help, for
whatever reason, lots ofdifferent reasons. But it's
like, what if we looked at thoseas ways in which we can connect
(32:14):
with other human beings? Howpowerful would that be? Because
I think we are missing tons ofhuman connection in our culture
today. And it's creating a lotof isolation and loneliness and
yearning. I was listening to apodcast this week with Brene
Brown and Esther Parral. And shetalked about that. And I think
Man, that's all aboutconnection.
(32:34):
So request can be a powerfulspeech act with which we can
connect to other human beings.And then remember I said I
talked about offers, so offerscan too, by the way, offers the
speech act of an offer has thesame elements of an effective
request all the six that Imentioned, I'll go through them
again, rationale or why,committed speaker, committed
(32:55):
listener, specific futureaction, conditions of
satisfaction, and specifictimeframe, it's just going in
the other direction. Offersrequire that you pay attention
to others and you notice, wow,they need help. And I can see
what they might need. So you goto them, and you make an offer
with those same elements andsay, 'Hey, I'd like to help you.
(33:16):
And here's how' and you and yougive them all those same
elements to give them theopportunity to accept it. So the
only difference really, withoffers is they just require an
awareness and a listening forwhat's missing for someone, and
then you offer that help tothem. So I hope that makes
So here we are. Little after 30minutes, let's wrap it up the
sense.
way we normally do the summary,gosh, how do I summarize this?
(33:37):
Where did I start? We don't seethe world the way it is we see
the world the way we are. We'reall unique observers, literally
you don't see the same world100% as any other human being on
the planet. And I think that'sfascinating. And that points to
where our power for change is.There's another thing that goes
along with it that I was justreminded of it. The true journey
(33:59):
of discovery consists not insearching for new territories.
But in having new eyes. When wechange the way we see the world
through language, emotion orbody, we come to everything
after that all the same peopleinstances jobs, geography
location, with a new set ofeyes, and things are very
(34:21):
different. So that's the firstpart of today. And the other was
about speech acts of requestsand offers about making
effective request. Be sure toput those elements in there.
Time and time again it I don'tcare who it is and what like
make sure that they're in thereand give other people permission
to decline your request,counteroffer your requests, like
get in a dance, have thatconversation with them, with the
(34:44):
hopes of agreeing on acommitment, you know, and
connecting in relationship. Sowe talked about No, is not
rejection, it's a decline. Wetalked about giving people full
freedom to decline. It'lldefinitely improve your
relationship, not manipulatingthem. And then we talked some
about about the importance ofasking for and receiving help
from other human beings, youknow that we live in a world
(35:05):
today where all of us could usesome help, maybe a lot of help.
And so maybe we need to getbetter at practicing this. So
given I just said, practice,what's your homework?
Once again, you know, I'll kindof leave that to you, but I
jotted this down. What aboutthis? What if you said, 'You
know what, I'm gonna practiceasking for help. So I'm gonna
ask three people for help thisweek, in a new way, and or I'm
(35:28):
gonna practice accepting some ofthe help that I always get
offered from someone in a newway. So some version of having
some experiences of makingbetter requests with people,
maybe you look at instancesrecently, where you made what
you thought were really good,clear requests didn't get what
you wanted. And you go back andredo them with these elements.
(35:49):
And maybe you start noticing,wow, I got the commitment that I
was looking for. And wow, youknow, look how smoothly this is
helping our relationship go if Ido this over and over and over
again. Or maybe your homework isyou go and talk to a person
that's important in your lifethat you have to make a lot of
ass with about the elements andsay, 'Hey, can we commit to
doing this with one another morefrequently,' I'm going to commit
(36:11):
to making specific clearrequests of you. And I want you
to know that you have fullpermission to negotiate or
decline with.
So just lots of ways, again,baby steps, pick something but
you know, in your area of yourlife where this tool, these
tools might benefit. So just saythat, choose one or two key
practices over the next coupleof weeks before the next
episode, and see what newexperience you might be able to
(36:33):
create that helps you and helpsthose you're in relationship
with, those that you'reconnected with. Because these
are fundamentally the actions ofconnecting with others and what
we like to call coordinatingaction doing life with other
human beings. So that's it. I'llsay to you, WUAPA listeners be
well, we're in the midst ofsummer, it's hot here in
(36:55):
Nashville. It's in the 90s. ButI just say take great care of
yourself. Be well, and I lookforward to interacting with you
again soon, hopefully in lots ofnew ways. Be well.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
(37:16):
or inspired new thinking, dropme a note. I'd love to hear your
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well, be present, live fully andauthentically. Wake up and pay
attention.
Welcome to Wake Up and Pay Attention, the
(00:02):
podcast fueling positive changefrom the inside out. I'm Mark
Robertson, your host. With over25 years as a professional
coach, I'm thrilled to explorethe personal growth tools that
have helped me and hundreds ofpeople just like you design and
awaken to their best life. Ifyou've ever felt overwhelmed and
unfulfilled, like you're justgoing through the motions day
(00:23):
after day, maybe you're afraidone day all the balls are going
to drop, you're in the rightplace. Together, let's expand
our self awareness and makesustainable shifts that improve
our communication skills,relationships, and overall
wellbeing. This is a judgmentfree zone where openness,
understanding and support rule.So grab your headphones and get
(00:45):
ready, it's time to wake up andpay attention.
Hello, Wake Up and Pay Attentionlisteners or WUAPA listeners as
I've been prone to say thesedays. Here we come with another
episode. I think this is episode16 for podcasts, I'm excited to
roll into this today and getanother one cut for my listeners
(01:08):
out there and hopefully the newlisteners as well. So I will
start today with what I think isa fascinating place to start,
which was an experience I hadrecently that just solidified
yet again, the power of theontological distinctions that
I've been teaching you now for afew months. And it's related to
(01:28):
the experience I had with my eyesurgery. I know in the last
podcast episode around capacitymanagement, I mentioned that I
was having surgery. And I did Ihad a cornea transplant. So let
me tell you what happened andhow it was a big aha again for
me.
So I had my surgery on July, thefirst they transplanted another
human beings layer in membrane,something like that of their
(01:53):
cornea into my left eye. And soI literally have someone else's
partial cornea in my left eye,which is hopefully now becoming
mine. So the donor graft. Andyou know, the process, as you
can imagine, I went through itwith the eye open. And I won't
go into the details about howthat happens. But it was wild.
And I came out with a surgicalpatch. And I had my sister who
(02:16):
was kind enough to be here for acouple days to take care of me
because one of the things youhave to do for the first 24
hours is to lay flat, theyactually put an air bubble on
top of the graft. Andessentially, gravity helps it
attach to my eye. So you layflat.
And then the next couple ofdays, you're up two hours down
two hours. Well, when the airbubble began to go away and my
(02:38):
vision began to return. Thingswere very blurry, but at some
point, it started to becomeclear. And this amazing thing
happened. So one morning I wastaking my dog out like I do
every morning and I went out tothe back area behind my condos
here at Midtown lofts. We have areally fantastic pool area with
grills and I think it's called apergola. Lots of plants really
(03:01):
colorful and vibrant in manyways back there.
So I took my dog out. And I wasbeginning to get vision back
fairly well in the left eye. Andthen of course, I had my vision
in my right eye. And I began tonotice, oh my gosh, like these
are different. So let me tellyou how I recognized that. So I
was looking kind of justchecking my left eye to see how
(03:23):
clear things were how blurrythings were. And I noticed
around the top of the pool, thetiling area around the top of
the pool below the edge of thepool in which you walk on. Were
the were the markers to tell youhow deep the pool was how many
feet deep, but also this tilingwas this brilliant blue color.
It was amazing.
I was like wow, that's a reallyrich blue. And then I closed my
(03:46):
left eye the surgical one and Iopened my right eye and I was
like wow, that's a really mutedblue. And I began to think whoa,
that's I mean literally they'revery different looking which
ones which which one's correct.And I began to look at other
things like plants and stuff.Grass in the fencing which was
black and tan. Other parts ofthe pergola area which are tan I
(04:09):
began to notice out of my newsurgical I not new surgical but
new cornea, everything was morevivid, the colors were more
vivid and richer. And while theywere yet to be very clear, there
was a granularity to everything.It was like I looked down at the
grass and I was seeingindividual blades and little
details that I could not seewith my right eye.
(04:31):
It was much more muted. In myright eye. The colors were not
as vivid it was not as crisp.And it was like whoa, this is
wild. And one thing it did washelped me to realize that you
know, I have this condition inboth eyes. It just so happens
that the left eye got worse thanthe right eye and so the right
eye has it as well. And now thatI have this quote new eye, it's
(04:53):
amazing how much better I cansee and how much more richer the
colors are. But then the big ahahit there was ontological I was
like, oh my gosh, this isexactly what we talk about
ontologically. Like, if you wantto change your reality with a
little r, it literally is aboutchanging how you see that
(05:13):
reality. It's about changingyou.
And so I was reminded of thephrase, here's the phrase, we
don't see the world the way itis, we see the world the way we
are. And we say it again, wedon't see the world the way it
is, we see it the way we are. Soin a way, what that's talking
about is you cannot reallyaccess the native reality out
(05:35):
there. Through your eyes,because of the way we're made.
Because of our biology, the waywe're structured, we see the
world based on who we are, ourway of being, our history, our
background, the culture, we grewup in all those things that have
shaped what I've been talking toyou about for 15 episodes now.
Your way of being the observerthat you are the way you see the
(05:58):
world has you see the world theway you see it not the way it
is?
I went in and research theexpression like where did it
come from? Because I know I'vebeen saying it for years. It's
attributed to a Anaïs Nin. Andhe actually said that this way
we don't see the world as it is.We see it as we are. And if
(06:18):
there was this massive Aha, I'mlike, wow, this is truly the
power, to change our reality, tochange our life circumstances to
change the relationships we havewith others to change the way we
look at our jobs, the people inour lives, our current
situation, our suffering, youknow, I talked, I think I talked
(06:40):
somewhere in the beginning aboutso much of our life, I think for
many of us, there's a lot ofunnecessary suffering, and a lot
of that suffering is a functionof how we see the world.
So this, I literally wasthinking, wow, I have a new
corneal layer from someone elsein my left eye. They saw the
(07:00):
world this way, my right eye,the old me so to speak, sees the
world this way, they're not thesame. And it just drove that
point home. Yet again, in thisvisceral now physical powerful
way. It wasn't like it was justtheory for me before because
I've known this, and I've taughtit, but it was just this amazing
experience. And so I want tojust open today with that
(07:24):
experience to give you hope andoptimism about your life.
Remember, I said in one of theearlier episodes, you can't
change anyone else, the onlyperson you can change is you.
And yes, there are people in ourlives that do frustrating things
like I suppose one thing youcould change are the people that
are in your life, you can leaveand make a different choice, or
you could change jobs. And weoften do, I'm just asking us to
(07:47):
look in an area now of like,really our power for change our
real leverage, because we'rewith us 24/7 is in changing who
you are, the way you see it, theobserver you are. And this just
reminded me of that. And toremind you of how do we do that,
it's really beginning to look atthose three key areas that make
up the observer, we are- ourlanguage, our emotions, and our
(08:09):
body, that are highly integratedand coherent and congruent with
one another. And beginning tolook at all the things we've
talked about. So far thedifferent speech acts and our
belief systems and our judgmentsand then looking at the emotions
and moods we find ourselves in,you know, have we lost our
emotional flexibility in life.And we're stuck in a certain set
(08:30):
that has us see the world in acertain way that isn't working,
creating suffering.
And then you know, obviously,the body circle, right? The
posture we've shaped over time,the way we walk, the way we
move, all of that is part of howwe see the world. And there's an
opportunity to change some ofthat, too. So I hope that makes
sense. I just wanted to sharethat experience as we get
(08:52):
started today. And then inaddition to that today, where
don't want to hit, I really kindof want to touch on at least at
a high level, a few more of thespeech acts in particular one of
the speech acts which we callrequests, and then the
accompanying speech act thatgoes with it are offers and
you'll see later that theyactually have the same elements,
they're just sort of going whatI would say is going in a
(09:13):
different direction. And so youknow, this will get us to the
place now where I think it'swe're almost done with all of
the basic ontologicaldistinctions that I wanted to
get out there, just with me onthe podcast and not interviewing
others and starts to open upthat window coming soon in the
future of beginning to interviewothers on the podcast, bringing
(09:34):
other voices on here that canexpand on this work and or, you
know, just we can bringdifferent observers on to talk
about discuss their perspective,how they see current challenges
and issues in the world that arereally important and relevant.
So let me get into request andwe'll see how far I can cover
this today. Given you don't wantto take an hour and a half.
We'll try to do this withinabout 25 to 30 minutes. So I'll
(09:57):
start this way. If you rememberin the last episode, episode 15,
I discussed capacity management.I said, you know, time
management doesn't work. It'sreally about promise management
or looking where you commit yourcapacity. And we have a finite
capacity in life, all of us have24 hours a day, seven days a
week. And so that's what we needto focus on around that. But
(10:21):
today sort of beckons us intothe realm of how do we get into
promises? How do we makecommitments. And what I find
that the way we often get intothat is someone asks us to do
something, someone makes an askof us, or what we would call,
someone makes a request of it.
And I often am talking aboutthis subject in a organizational
context, working with teams andleaders and their teams on this,
(10:44):
because that's a lot of the workthat teams do is what I call is
coordinate their action with oneanother, they have to have these
conversations that coordinateaction, which means making
effective requests andgenerating promises and
fulfilling on those promises.And so that applies certainly
here when I'm talking aboutwhat's an effective request. But
(11:06):
I also want you to think aboutthis also happens in your
personal life, right to do lifewith your friends. If you're
married or have a partner, thenyou have to coordinate action
constantly with them, like who'sgoing to pick this up, who's
going to do this, you know, youdivide up tasks and conquer,
especially if you have children,I noticed when I was married and
had stepchildren, and it was aton of coordination of action
(11:27):
that we had to do.
And so this is these are theconversations, we have to have
to do life with other humanbeings. And hopefully do it
smoothly and do it well. Okay.And so this, what I'm going to
teach you about making effectiverequests can help you personally
and professionally. And so Ioften lead off with this. Have
you ever asked someone forsomething in your life? Like,
(11:50):
yeah, at work or at home? Andyou think, Man, that's a really
good, clear, specific asks Imade? And they don't need to
clarify with you at all. Theysay, Yeah, I'll do that. Happy
to do that. Yes. So now you'vegone from request to an
acceptance, and now you have acommitment from them. And they
go do what you thought theycommitted to, and they come
back, say, Hey, I did it. Andyou're like, wait a minute,
(12:11):
that's not what you committedto. And that's not even at all
what I asked you to do. Youknow, and so often, our
tendency, then is to point thefinger at them and say, What's
up, like, you didn't listenwell, or you didn't understand
me or something like that. Andthat could be the case. But what
I've often found in tracing backexecution issues, let's call
(12:33):
them that in organizations, ordoing life issues in personal
relationships.
What I often have found is theasker, the requester, they're
asked was not effective, it wasnot effective, it did not have
the six elements of an effectiverequest built into it. So I want
to teach you that today. So thatyou can make sure that every ask
(12:55):
you make from this pointforward, has these elements
built into it, or you have beenmaking this ask with that person
for so long, and they knowclearly what they are, and you
don't have to spell it out. Butusually, when we don't spell it
out, we're not specific andclear, it just opens up lots of
room for the other person,remember, who sees it
differently than you differentobserver to interpret your ask
(13:18):
differently than you intended.And now we've got issues or
challenges. Okay.
So what are the elements of aneffective request, I'm going to
give them to you right now. Andthen I'm going to talk in a
little detail about each ofthem. And then I want to talk
about sort of some real lifescenarios that I see unfolding
that make this complicated.
So what are they here they are,first element is the rationale
or the why of your ask. Thesecond and third element are
(13:42):
what we call the committedspeaker for an ask and a
committed listener for an ask.So those three of the six I
would say kind of combined, theway I talk about it is they
formed the context for a goodask the foundation for good ask
there the frame in there, likethe fundamental elements that
have to be in place for the theasked for the content of the
(14:06):
asked to come afterwards. Sothere's the context for a good
request. And actually, by theway, I don't explicitly talk
about this as one of theelements all the time, but the
emotion or mood is part of thatcontext, you know, tone how you
ask for what you ask matters. SoI'll just throw that in there
now, that's not something Iusually specifically talk about.
(14:27):
So those three are the context.And then the next three are like
the nuts and bolts of a reallygood ask. So you certainly want
to catch this part.
Number four, specific futureaction. I'll talk about that
here in a second. Number five,which can go with number four is
my conditions of satisfaction.So we call that conditions of
(14:47):
satisfaction. And then numbersix, often left off or very
vague is a specific timeframe.So you'll notice there's a word
I'm using a couple of times inthere which is specific. Let me
hit you with this- In life ingeneral, I want all of your
asked to be as specific aspossible and as clear as
possible, do not be afraid ofgetting assessed as pushy, or
(15:12):
micromanaging. It just means youhave a fundamental understanding
that other human beings arealways interpreting what you
say. They may misinterpret whatyou want with this particular
speech act of and ask. So it'sreally critical and important
that you're specific and clear.Do not assume that they know
what you want, when you want it.Or if they can do it in the way
(15:34):
that you're talking about. Okay,a little tangent I took there.
So let me back up and explainthese now. Okay.
So what is the rationale? Thewhy pretty obvious, right? It's
like, why are you asking forwhat you're asking for? What's
your rationale, remember, we'reall different observers, we see
things differently. So givingthe I call them the potential
performer, person that could bemaking the commitment to execute
(15:57):
on your ask, giving them therationale or the Y can be
incredibly helpful for them tounderstand why you want them to
do what you want them to do. Itcan be the very thing that
dictates whether they buy in ornot. It could even open up a
conversation about understandingand the why before they even
decide to accept it. I'veactually heard from performers
(16:17):
on the other end of managementor leadership asks, in
organizations a lot like 'Mark,I don't know why we do this, I
really don't understand why wedo this,' which tells me that
two things happen. One was theoriginal requester didn't give
the rationale or the why. Andthen the performer for some
reason whether they weren'tcourageous enough or not, they
didn't ask for the why. So therewas a breakdown on both sides of
(16:39):
the conversation.
I think I heard this said onetime and I say it all the time.
Now I don't really know where itcomes from. But the idea was
that research shows that whenperformers clearly understand
the rationale or the why, thenthey're more likely to stick to
their commitment to get it donewhen it gets difficult and
challenging and they encounterhurdles. Okay. And all of a
(17:00):
sudden, I just thought about ina personal setting like kids,
and particularly teenagers, youknow, maybe it's important to
give them the rationale or thewhy think about little kids that
go through that why why why whywhy phase which can drive
parents crazy, right? But that'sit's the same thing. Okay. So
there's the rationale and thewhy really important, I'll say
this caveat to that is, ifyou've been doing this ask and
(17:23):
they've been performing on itfor a long, long time, whether
it's professional or personal,and you're both comfortable with
the way it's happening. Youdon't need to give the rationale
or the why anymore, it's oftenwhen we're going in a new
direction, or asking somethingnew of them that you really need
to get the rationale or the why.
The next two elements, if youremember, are called the
committed speaker and thecommitted listener. So what's a
(17:44):
committed speaker, I think youget the sense. If you're asking
for something from somebody, andyou really want them commit to
it, make sure to commit to it,make sure you're committed to it
as well. So don't waffle, don'tback up, don't use the language
of something like if you get achance, I know you're really
busy. And this could be aproblem. And I don't want to
inconvenience you. But I reallyhave something important that I
(18:06):
want to ask of you. That's not acommitted speaker. A committed
speakers is their present fullygrounded and says, Hey, listen,
here's what I would like you todo for me, please, something
along those lines. And so in theorganizational settings I often
talk about, you know, a goodsign that you know, you don't
have a committed speaker is whenperformers start pushing back on
(18:27):
the ask, and then they say,'Well, you know, the boss, this
is what the boss wants us to do'that it's a giveaway for you're
not committed speaker. Okay, Ithink that makes sense to you.
Maybe more importantly, on theother side of any good
conversation is a committedlistener of fully present
committed listener that's notmultitasking, not looking at
their phone, not doing anythingelse, but listening to you in
(18:52):
the conversation as you make theask. And so I think we all have
had instances where we realizethe person we're the one making
the ask or the speaker, and werealize this person isn't fully
committed, but I'm going to makethe ask anyway. Or we say, 'Hey,
can I ask you something?' Soyeah, go ahead, and we see them
doing something else. And weplow forward with our ask
anyway. So what I would say isthis, because it's your ask as
(19:15):
the committed speaker, it's yourresponsibility to solicit and
make sure you have a committedlistener, don't go forward if
you don't. I often will, willstop and tell people okay, well,
I'll continue when you're done.And they are surprised by it.
But I see and I want to makesure I have a committed
listener.
One last thing is that reallycommitted listeners is the you
know, we do a lot ofcoordination of action via text
(19:37):
and via emails. And so you canimagine that, you know, rather
than face to face, where wedon't get some of these bodily
cues or emotional cues, youknow, coordination of action can
get slippery, around having acommitted listener, especially
with emails, right. Just becauseyou sent off an email and made
an ask doesn't mean you knowthat you've got a committed
listener. So there are ways inwhich teams and organizations
(20:00):
can agree to certain standardsby which they create a committed
listener. Like you might hear,you might see an email, it says,
I'll get back to you on this,I'll give you a response on this
within a business day. Or youmight hear that in an email,
they're basically saying, I'llbe a committed listener within
this timeframe to you. And I'llgive you a response. Okay, so
now we've got committed speakercommitted listener. Now, the
(20:22):
nuts and the bolts.
The next one, number fourspecific future action, what do
you want them to do? And I wouldsay to you, especially if this
is your first time asking, spellit out clearly, and you might
even need to preface it withlisten, I'm gonna go into a
whole lot of detail. I'm nottrying to offend you, I don't
want to insult yourintelligence, I just know that
(20:43):
human beings can misinterpreteven the simplest of
instructions. So here's what Iwould like you to do for me, and
spell it out. I want this done,in this way, in this order, with
this particular configuration,and give them all the
specificities that you know, sothat they can clearly process
what you want, and then give youa fully informed decision on it.
(21:06):
So specific future action, youcould ask someone, 'Hey, would
you cut my grass? Or you couldsay, Would you cut my grass?
Would you cut it in thisdirection? Would you cut it at
this height with this pattern onthis side of the house,' and so
you get it specific futureaction.
The next one is calledconditions of satisfaction. So I
mentioned earlier, these kind ofgo together, usually you'll see
(21:28):
one or the other, but not both.So what is conditions of
satisfaction, it's often one weuse when it's often helpful to
clearly spell those out. Butwhat in my experience, it's one
we use, when we don't clearlyknow what we want, kind of a
general sense of what we wantthe end product to be or to look
like or the experience maybe wewant to have. So we have a
condition of satisfaction, likeonce it's done, we know what we
(21:51):
want the look and feel andexperience to be to be
satisfied. But we don't know howthey're going to get there. So
we can't clearly give themspecific action. In many cases,
it's often where you let otherpeople use their creativity and
their talents, because they're,they're the experts to get you
where you want them to go. Butyou've got to clearly
articulate, I don't know howyou're going to do this, use
(22:13):
your creativity and yourexpertise. But here's what I
need to see and how it needs tolook and deal in order for me to
be satisfied as the requester orthe customer. So again, we don't
often do those two together,because from my perspective, if
you ask in great detail, andthen you say, hey, and these are
my conditions of satisfaction, Ithink that does start to feel a
(22:34):
bit overwhelming. And we mighteven start to label that as
micromanaging. Though, it'sreally not if that's the way
that you have to do it.
And then the last element is aspecific timeframe. So as soon
as possible is not a specifictimeframe, when you get a chance
is not a specific timeframe, atyour earliest convenience is not
(22:55):
a specific timeframe. If youknow what you want. And when you
want it, spell it out, bespecific and asked for it. I
would like you so and so to dothis for me in this way. By 3pm
central time tomorrow. That is aspecific timeframe. And you'd be
amazed at how often I thinkwe've probably all had it where
timezone issues trip us up here.So be specific with your
(23:16):
timeframe. I'll say this ingeneral, most people I find
avoid specificity and claritythey make vague asks the when
they know exactly what theywant, or when they want it. But
they're afraid of how they'regoing to be assessed. They're
afraid they're going to bejudged as pushy. They're afraid
that oh, this is an ask of myboss, I don't want to push them.
But I would happily make thisask of my direct report. Or I
(23:40):
did this is my spouse, and Idon't want to push them. But I
would happily make this ask ofmy buddy. So notice those
nuances like what gets in yourway in life, when you make asks
of other people, it is somethingto learn about you. There's
something going on with you thatyou may avoid specificity and
clarity around requests. So Ihope that makes sense. Those are
(24:00):
the elements of an effectiverequest.
Now, some other aspects to this.And I kind of alluded to this
one earlier, but we call it thebackground of obviousness. If in
the relationship we've beendoing this making asks and
making commitments and executingon them really well for a number
of years, you've had an employeethat's worked with you for
years, or it's your spouse andyou've been married for 20
years, you have a largebackground of what's obvious to
(24:23):
both of you a sharedunderstanding. And so you don't
have to be this specific anddetailed. You might say, 'Hey,
sweetheart, can you do thisthing for me that we always do?'
'Yeah, babe. I got it.' Right,as opposed to the very detailed
stuff that I was mentioningbefore. Okay. It's called the
big background of obviousness.Okay.
Now, what's another culturalelement that we often find with
(24:46):
that sometimes people are veryvague and don't really want to
ask for what they want when theywant to, because they're afraid
of hearing what answer? No, I'mnot going to accept your ask
they're so afraid of no's inlife to their asks, social asks
professional ask, like I do, andthey don't ask for exactly what
(25:07):
they want when they want it.Why? Because no isn't just a
simple two letter word itequates for a lot of us in our
culture to rejection. If you sayno to me, you're rejecting me
and we say. A no is simply adecline to my ask. It's not
personal. It truly is notpersonal. Even if it's something
(25:30):
you dearly want them to do. It'snot about you, it's about
honoring them, and giving themfull permission to decline. In
fact, the way I was taught isit's only an effective request
that the other person has fullpermission to decline, even in
the workplace. Now, we talkedabout this last time, you know,
a lot of no's are off the tablebecause that's your job. But
(25:53):
some no's may need to come backon the table in the workplace so
that people aren'tovercommitted, and overwhelmed
and stressed, but especially inyour personal life. Make sure
you give other people you're inrelationship with, especially
important people, fullpermission to decline. No, thank
you. I don't want to do that.
There is great dignity andfreedom in relationship when all
(26:13):
parties realize and know thatthey have full permission to
decline other people's asks. Andquite candidly, I don't see this
happening a ton inrelationships. There's all this
pressure and obligation. Oh, Ihave to say yes, because of this
or that, or they'll hold itagainst me or I know how I'll
pay dearly if I don't say yes, Imean, all that nonsense, is
(26:35):
unnecessary suffering that'sbeen created in relationships.
So the way I was taught wasthis, it's like, what are you
doing? What are you reallydoing? When you go to ask
somebody to do stuff? They'll dosomething for you? And you won't
take no for an answer. Then whatare you doing to them? You're
manipulating them. And how doyou feel when people are trying
(26:56):
to manipulate you when there'sno room to say no. For most of
us, we go quickly to the mood ofresentment. And we resent that
we may not say anything, butthat anger and that resentment
goes underground. and by gosh,somewhere along the line
somewhere down the road, we'regonna pay him back. And
oftentimes, if we're, there's nofreedom to do this make ask and
decline in a relationship, likemake healthy choices about I
(27:17):
want to do this, you want to dothat, hey, let's go do our
separate thing. resentmentsbuilt and built and built and it
undercuts and eats at therelationship in many, many ways.
And we could go into that atsome point in more detail. But
the main point is, if you arethe person who will take no for
an answer, be careful becauseyou are manipulating other human
beings, you're robbing them oftheir dignity and their freedom
(27:38):
in many ways you're trying to,they're not strong enough to
stand up against you. And youwill probably create
relationships with a bunch ofresentment.
And so these are some otheraspects that I learned about
effective requests and ways todo it well in healthy, effective
relationships. As we begin tomove towards the end, though, I
want to touch on somethingthat's been relevant for me of
(27:58):
late which is this whole notionof asking for help from others,
have been come keenly aware ofhow much I don't ask for help,
and how I'm learning to ask moreand more for help to involve
others. In my life, remember,the 'me' in the 'we' episode to
have so much more 'we.' And partof that, I think, is asking
others for help when I realizedthat I needed, and then also the
(28:19):
hold act of receiving help, youknow, why do we not do that
more, it's like, because wedon't want to be an
inconvenience to others, etcetera, et cetera, I don't want
to cause some trouble. But flipit, think about it. Most people
I when I say this, again, it'slike when people in your life
that you're close to or thatmatter to you ask you for help,
(28:40):
and want you to help them, manyof us will trap what we're
doing, or drop commitments toother things ourselves, just to
help them like It's like we'rehonored when they ask for help,
and we're honored when we canhelp them. And so think about
this, when you don't ask forhelp you rob that other person
of giving that experience toyou. You shortcut that
(29:01):
opportunity for them to honoryou and serve you in many ways.
I had an example of thisrecently, after my surgery,
where for a week, I couldn'tlift heavy stuff. And I had dog
food that I had ordered in abox, probably 30-40 pounds that
arrived that I needed to godownstairs and get. So trying to
figure out a way to go down andget it by myself and I had
(29:23):
finagle this notion about getone of our carts that we have,
which is about waist high. AndI'll quickly pick the box up off
the ground and put it up on thecart. That won't be too much
trouble, you know, not reallycheating around restrictions on
lifting. And then I got downthere and I realized, Oh, the
box was already on a table whichwas about waist high. So all I
have to do is slide it over ontothe cart, wheel it into my
(29:43):
house, pull the cart right up infront of my freezer, and unload
it. So boom, got it? Well, I hadalso thought about you know,
I'll probably run into somebodyand I'll ask them if they'll
help me and sure enough, I raninto a good friend of mine here
named Brandon. And I said, 'Hey,man, could you help me with
something?' So he's like 'What'stha?t And I told him, he said,
'Sure, absolutely, man.' I toldhim why the rash. I said, I
(30:05):
can't because my eye and I can'tlift anything to do. 'It's good.
I got it'. He said, however, sohe counteroffer me said,
however, I'm doing this, so, solet me do my thing and finish
that up. And I'll just bringyour box up to you at your door.
And I said, 'Great, that soundsgreat.' And I went and got on
the elevator, and then all thesudden, something in me change.
And I was like, no, no, no, Ican't do that. So I went down, I
(30:26):
got the cart. I rolled it up,and he was standing there
already doing his thing. He'slike, what's up? You know, I
like fell dead. Bring it to yourdoor. I said, Well, you know, I
had an idea. And I want to doit.
So basically, I just offered aBS excuse of like, here's why I
can't accept your help. And Idon't think he was taken aback.
But it was just like, 'Huh,' youknow, and so we loaded his stuff
in my stuff on the cart, we goton the elevator, I was like, I
(30:48):
really appreciate you helpingme. And then as we got the
elevator, he goes, 'Look, man,he goes, I'll roll the card
around your house, I'll unloadthis for you.' And I wouldn't
accept it again. I was like,'Nah, man, I got it.; When I say
once you just grab your bag, itwas dog food also, and I'll roll
from here. So twice, I asked himfor help and twice kind of
didn't give him the opportunityto serve me. Because on some
(31:10):
levels, like I wasn'tcomfortable doing it. It was
weird. But I remember afterwardsand gosh. He was being very
gracious and willing to help meand I wouldn't accept it. What
is that about?
So I literally, especiallybecause I had surgery and need
help, I've been really workinghard lately, to accept people's
help more. And to accept it inthe way they offer it. It may
(31:32):
not look the way I want, butI'll accept it in the way they
offer it. So the last piece thatI'll say with regard to this is
just I think it's a way westrive for connection with other
human beings that's dramaticallymissing in our culture these
days. Remember, when I did the'me' and the 'we', the 'we' part
is about connection. I thinkwe're missing so many connection
(31:52):
opportunities with other humanbeings because we don't ask. And
even then, when maybe we do ask,we don't accept it sometimes. Or
we don't often accept here's theother speech act of request.
It's an offer. We don't accepttheir offers to help, for
whatever reason, lots ofdifferent reasons. But it's
like, what if we looked at thoseas ways in which we can connect
(32:14):
with other human beings? Howpowerful would that be? Because
I think we are missing tons ofhuman connection in our culture
today. And it's creating a lotof isolation and loneliness and
yearning. I was listening to apodcast this week with Brene
Brown and Esther Parral. And shetalked about that. And I think
Man, that's all aboutconnection.
(32:34):
So request can be a powerfulspeech act with which we can
connect to other human beings.And then remember I said I
talked about offers, so offerscan too, by the way, offers the
speech act of an offer has thesame elements of an effective
request all the six that Imentioned, I'll go through them
again, rationale or why,committed speaker, committed
(32:55):
listener, specific futureaction, conditions of
satisfaction, and specifictimeframe, it's just going in
the other direction. Offersrequire that you pay attention
to others and you notice, wow,they need help. And I can see
what they might need. So you goto them, and you make an offer
with those same elements andsay, 'Hey, I'd like to help you.
(33:16):
And here's how' and you and yougive them all those same
elements to give them theopportunity to accept it. So the
only difference really, withoffers is they just require an
awareness and a listening forwhat's missing for someone, and
then you offer that help tothem. So I hope that makes
So here we are. Little after 30minutes, let's wrap it up the
sense.
way we normally do the summary,gosh, how do I summarize this?
(33:37):
Where did I start? We don't seethe world the way it is we see
the world the way we are. We'reall unique observers, literally
you don't see the same world100% as any other human being on
the planet. And I think that'sfascinating. And that points to
where our power for change is.There's another thing that goes
along with it that I was justreminded of it. The true journey
(33:59):
of discovery consists not insearching for new territories.
But in having new eyes. When wechange the way we see the world
through language, emotion orbody, we come to everything
after that all the same peopleinstances jobs, geography
location, with a new set ofeyes, and things are very
(34:21):
different. So that's the firstpart of today. And the other was
about speech acts of requestsand offers about making
effective request. Be sure toput those elements in there.
Time and time again it I don'tcare who it is and what like
make sure that they're in thereand give other people permission
to decline your request,counteroffer your requests, like
get in a dance, have thatconversation with them, with the
(34:44):
hopes of agreeing on acommitment, you know, and
connecting in relationship. Sowe talked about No, is not
rejection, it's a decline. Wetalked about giving people full
freedom to decline. It'lldefinitely improve your
relationship, not manipulatingthem. And then we talked some
about about the importance ofasking for and receiving help
from other human beings, youknow that we live in a world
(35:05):
today where all of us could usesome help, maybe a lot of help.
And so maybe we need to getbetter at practicing this. So
given I just said, practice,what's your homework?
Once again, you know, I'll kindof leave that to you, but I
jotted this down. What aboutthis? What if you said, 'You
know what, I'm gonna practiceasking for help. So I'm gonna
ask three people for help thisweek, in a new way, and or I'm
(35:28):
gonna practice accepting some ofthe help that I always get
offered from someone in a newway. So some version of having
some experiences of makingbetter requests with people,
maybe you look at instancesrecently, where you made what
you thought were really good,clear requests didn't get what
you wanted. And you go back andredo them with these elements.
(35:49):
And maybe you start noticing,wow, I got the commitment that I
was looking for. And wow, youknow, look how smoothly this is
helping our relationship go if Ido this over and over and over
again. Or maybe your homework isyou go and talk to a person
that's important in your lifethat you have to make a lot of
ass with about the elements andsay, 'Hey, can we commit to
doing this with one another morefrequently,' I'm going to commit
(36:11):
to making specific clearrequests of you. And I want you
to know that you have fullpermission to negotiate or
decline with.
So just lots of ways, again,baby steps, pick something but
you know, in your area of yourlife where this tool, these
tools might benefit. So just saythat, choose one or two key
practices over the next coupleof weeks before the next
episode, and see what newexperience you might be able to
(36:33):
create that helps you and helpsthose you're in relationship
with, those that you'reconnected with. Because these
are fundamentally the actions ofconnecting with others and what
we like to call coordinatingaction doing life with other
human beings. So that's it. I'llsay to you, WUAPA listeners be
well, we're in the midst ofsummer, it's hot here in
(36:55):
Nashville. It's in the 90s. ButI just say take great care of
yourself. Be well, and I lookforward to interacting with you
again soon, hopefully in lots ofnew ways. Be well.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
(37:16):
or inspired new thinking, dropme a note. I'd love to hear your
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well, be present, live fully andauthentically. Wake up and pay
attention.
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