Have you ever found yourself stuck in a judgment about someone else, or maybe felt trapped by others’ opinions of you?
It’s easy to get caught in the cycle of outdated assessments that cloud our relationships and self-perception.
In this episode, I dive deeper into the conversation started in episode seven about the crucial distinctions between assessments and assertions. Often, we treat subjective judgments as facts, which can lead to misunderstandings and missed connections. Without a clear understanding, these unexamined beliefs can significantly impact our personal and professional lives, leading us to make decisions based on inaccurate perceptions.
Join me as I explore how to recognize and adjust our assessments, ensuring they are grounded in reality and open to revision. I'll share insights on the power of language in shaping our relationships and self-image, and offer practical tips on how to free ourselves from the confines of unhelpful judgments.
Tune in to gain tools that will help you communicate more effectively and authentically foster better understanding and openness in all areas of your life.
- Mark
Let’s connect:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrobertsonpcc
Email: mark@coachmark.com
Website: www.coachmark.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Wake Up and PayAttention, the podcast fueling
(00:03):
positive change from the insideout. I'm Mark Robertson your
host. With over 25 years as aProfessional Coach, I'm thrilled
to explore the personal growthtools that have helped me and
hundreds of people just like youdesign and awaken to their best
life. If you've ever feltoverwhelmed and unfulfilled,
like you're just going throughthe motions day after day, maybe
(00:25):
you're afraid one day all theballs are going to drop, you're
in the right place. Together,let's expand our self awareness
and make sustainable shifts thatimprove our communication
skills, relationships, andoverall well being. This is a
judgment free zone whereopenness, understanding and
support rule. So grab yourheadphones and get ready. It's
(00:45):
time to Wake Up and Pay Attention.
Hello, listeners, welcome toEpisode 8 of Wake Up And Pay
Attention. I'm once again reallyexcited today about continuing
the conversational journey anddoing this episode which is
actually a follow up episode toEpisode 7 on assessments and
(01:07):
assertions. So as we get starteda couple things real quick. It's
still allergy season inNashville, I'm still fighting
the creds so if my voice is alittle off apologies for that,
hopefully it's bearable. I alsowant to talk about since I
dropped the Episode 7 lastFriday. I've had a few couple of
really powerful conversationswith important people in my life
and I'll probably touch on themat some point.
(01:30):
In this episode, it was reallygreat feedback to hear how it's
impacting them and really causedme to think about how I wanted
to do this episode and probablydeepened my thinking some and
got me excited even more aboutwhat I want to offer you today.
So I'm thankful to those peoplethey know who they are for that
feedback and just invite you,yet again to please feel free to
(01:53):
rate the podcast on Apple andother platforms and maybe more
importantly to me offer mefeedback to at Market,
coachmark.com or on LinkedIn ifyou access it there. So, where
are we headed today? We'llcontinue to build on Episode 7,
and I'm kind of excited abouttoday because I think it'll give
me an opportunity to freelance alittle bit, in a way that I
(02:16):
haven't been able to before justbecause it's a follow on episode
to the last one.
So here's my approach. What Iwant to do at a minimum is to
connect a few more ideas to thefundamental ideas that I offered
you last time. So those were thebasic distinction of an
Assessment, Assertion. Some keypieces to that, which I'll touch
(02:36):
on again and then the threeprimary aspects that I touched
on last time. So, I'll probablyreconnect some of those pieces
with some additional pieces. Andthen depending on time. I may
offer some additional conceptsor thoughts or dimensions of the
distinction, sort of some onehitters that will have you
understand the power of thisdistinction even more.
(02:58):
And invite you to look at how itmay be playing out in your life
and how I'm applying and howothers are applying it. After
that this will likely leave uswith a few more meaty topics
around this distinction it'ssuch a powerful one. And those
will probably be standaloneepisodes on their own this will
get to those either in nine, tenor eleven or somewhere down the
(03:20):
line, when it makes sense. So,let's dig in for today, I think
where I want to start is torecap the basic distinction. If
you remember the two sentences Iused to introduce the speech
acts of Assessments andAssertions, I am a man, I am
stupid.
I am a man is an assertion.Remember the nature of
assertions those are provable,true or false by all observers.
(03:45):
This is the objective measurableterritory. I am stupid or smart,
outgoing or laid back, reserved,confident, a wonderful speaker,
an average speaker, a terriblespeaker. These are all
assessments, which are judgmentswhich are their opinions,
perceptions, whatever word youresonate with. And, in contrast
(04:09):
to assertions where assertionsare always true or false,
provable by all observers,assessments never true or false.
They always depend upon theobserver making them. It is
really important to understandthat distinction between the
two, and we'll build on thosetoday.
So as an aside, the thought Iwanted to share with you to
(04:32):
start this conversation today isan expression that I got from my
time at education for livingwhen I was apprenticing and
training to be an ontologicalcoach in my journey, and it goes
like this. I remember how muchit hit me and spoke to what
happens when human beingsinteract or meet one another or
(04:54):
engage with one another. Here'sthe thought, If you're busy
judging me, you miss theexperience I can be for you. If
you're busy judging the other,you miss the experience they can
be for you.
And so I think for me, what thatprovokes is this idea of how
much we can judge others andmiss them and miss the
(05:16):
connection to them. I thinkwe've all had the experience of
feeling judged by another liketheir eyes are looking you up
and down, sizing you up. And Idon't think it leaves a great
impression on us a great feelingin us, and I think we do the
same sometimes. So just again,I'll just say it one more time,
If you're busy judging me, youmiss the experience I can be for
(05:39):
you. So how many experiences ofothers have you genuinely missed
or experience with those in yourlife right now?
Important relationships, andyou're missing them, they're
missing you because of all thejudging going up. So, I will
start back into this distinctionby reconnecting to what I talked
(06:00):
about last time, with a few moreideas. So here they are. So if
you remember, I talked about thelinguistic trap. The moment we
begin to hold our assessments,as if they're assertions. So,
it's just really fundamentallyimportant as you go forward to
hold the separate at all timesin both your thinking and in
your speaking.
(06:20):
And then when you behavedifferently than that
assessment, or someone else inyour life behaves differently.
Be willing to update yourassessment of them. Be willing
to get off of it, I think it'dbe can be incredibly powerful.
It creates an amazing opening inour relationships and our
ability to communicate with oneanother. So, just don't collapse
(06:42):
them and be willing to updateyour assessments. I think this
is going to date me but I thinkof the Band 38 Special and I
love that song Hold On LooselyBut Don't Let Go.
So hold assessments loosely butdon't let go. The example I
think about it from my own lifewas related to my marriage and
looking back on it and one ofthe thoughts I had after that
(07:04):
was when you look at our longstanding historical
relationships, whether it'sintimate relationships,
friendships, the ones we've hadfor a long time. I think our
historical assessments can behard to get out from under, can
be really hard to do the thing Iasked you to do, which is be
willing to update yourassessment about that person
because we spent so much timewith them over and over.
(07:28):
We often find ourselvesrepeating the same assessments
about them again and again, insuch a powerful way that we come
almost pre loaded to the nextinteraction because we've
assessed them the same way forso long. The thought I had back
when I was thinking about thatwas the expression, there's too
much water under the bridge forus to make a shift here, too
(07:50):
much water under the bridge.I've been assessing them the
same way for way too long and myability to move off of that
assessment is really difficult,because it's been going on for
so long. So, I hope that ideamakes sense to you.
The next piece to connect back,remember I said assertions are
the descriptive act. They justsit there, that's what they do,
(08:11):
they're descriptive and factual.Whereas assessments are
generative and creative and Idon't think I touched on it
enough last time but I want tobuild on that with this idea.
They are generative andcreative, whether they're
positive or negative, it happensit works in both directions. I
use a lot of negative assessmentexamples because that's often
(08:32):
where our suffering is. Butthere can also be suffering
created in yourself and othersthrough positive assessments.
And so, that's the aspect that Italked about last time about
when we put people in a box theycan't get out of that box can be
a pretty box, positive box or anegative box. So, a couple
examples I'll share with youtoday.
One was from a really importantperson in my life that I was
(08:54):
around this weekend and shelistened to the podcast and
brought up an example from herown life. Which was the
assessment when she was growingup that she often had from
others, which was she waspretty. And you would think
that's obviously a positiveassessment. But the language
that I think when with that, asshe moved through life, there
was other stuff attached to thatI think got in the way. So she
(09:16):
talked about, she was pretty asalmost as if people assessed her
as pretty and then overlookedany other positive qualities
about her, how intelligent shewas, how aware she was, how good
she was, at so many things wasoften dismissed. Because she's
pretty and obviously theassessment of pretty people is
they don't have these othertalents.
(09:38):
And she talked about being anengineering school. She
graduated with an engineeringdegree. She was first in her
class, and there were multipleexamples in school about you're
so pretty this is surprisingmaybe that you were able to do
this well. I can't. Remember theexact examples that she gave me.
I wish I could but it was areally powerful example of wow,
how that seemingly positiveassessment. It shaped other
(10:00):
people's perspective on her andgot in the way in the same way
that a negative assessment can.The example that I often use in
this one was more of a corporateexample back when I worked for
Andersen Consulting a long timeago. We would get sized up
pretty quickly on our firstproject and second project and
we'd get put in the box labeledand branded as Rockstar employee
(10:24):
or subpar.
And the Rockstar employeeassessment could be really good
for meaning you were gonna getstaffed on the next few projects
really easily. But it may havegotten in the way of people
being willing and able to seeyour weaknesses, see your areas
for growth. And I think it cancause problems for those people
as much as the negativeassessment. Initially, if
(10:46):
subpar, maybe you've had a fewchallenges in learning or moving
along and at Andersen, you wereexpected to do so very quickly.
And because you got assessed assubpar, and that assessment was
shared amongst the managers andpartners, you often were put on
the bench and not selected rightaway for projects unless the
need was high for more bodies.So, I hope that example as well
(11:06):
makes sense. What's the nextone?
Remember, I talked aboutassessments never true false,
only depend on the observeralways depend on the observer.
And the relationship between thetwo assessments and assertions
is that you want to be able toground any assessment you have.
Remember, human beings areassessment machines. So we
quickly assess quick, quick,quiick, quickly. So, your
(11:29):
historical assessments or yourimmediate assessments, you want
at some point examine those forgrounding. Do I have assertions
facts to support my opinion? Andit's very clear, so that when I
enter a conversation withsomeone. I can when I realized
they have an opposite assessmentthan me, you can provide your
grounding. Hopefully, they'lllisten and you can ask for them
(11:51):
to ground there's, so that youcan figure out how to move
forward in that conversation.
And so, grounding is reallyimportant. ungrounded
assessments often caused lots ofchallenges, and problems. And so
one of the ways that I see thatplaying out when I talk with my
clients is, I've been listeningto my clients for years and
(12:13):
often they'll talk to me aboutchallenges or issues that other
people have come to them andsay, hey this is what happened,
and this is why it happened andso on and so forth. And they'll
run that down, they'll chase itdown and they'll assume that's a
grounded assessment and they'llgo act upon it quickly, and I
said, hold on. But so thethought that I leave them with
these days is don't buy thesurface story you hear, don't
(12:35):
buy the initial story. Make sureyou probe for grounding, where
they get the information, whodid it come from?
Is it based in fact, but I findin our culture these days, we're
often quick to buy the surfacestory either from others or via
the internet or social media.And then we act upon that
because remember assessmentslead us into the future lead us
(12:58):
to take action based on them.We're often buying the story way
too quick, and remember what wetalked about with stories, those
are the weaving of assessmentstogether into a coherent story.
And so don't buy the initialstory, get grounding and make
sure you have a solid sense ofhow well grounded it is. Then go
(13:20):
explore, search for othergrounding involve other people
get their perspectives beforeyou jump to action.
And then maybe equallyimportant, is be careful that
It's like we live in a time ofwhat are the facts anymore? It's
you don't then take that perhapsungrounded story and go spread
almost as if we've lost thosethey're hard to find, and it's
it around in your workplace orat home, in your family or in
anywhere. Because it'll just bedoing even more damage, the more
(13:42):
hard for us to haveconversations about the facts.
that story that ungrounded storyis spread and I see it happening
everywhere. Another issuerelated to that is one of I
think the current culturalchallenges we have one of my
Remember facts provable, truefalse by all observers. So, I
assessments the last few yearsis. When I have assessments
about things, where do I go findthe facts to ground my
(14:02):
assessments about things?
think many of us go on theinternet or social media read
something like, oh that must bea fact. It must be true if such
(14:25):
and such website said it and wego off and we spread it. And so,
an example I had for this wasaround my health. I've had some
challenges with six kneesurgeries over the years, a knee
replacement a few years ago,some back issues and so I've
been trying to get healthy. Andwhat I discovered over the last
three years is there are so manydifferent assessments about why
(14:47):
that's happening.
What the best way to treat thisis the best way to move forward,
how to best take care of yourhealth from a health and
wellness perspective? And whenyou go out on the internet and
you google and you search forthings, it's like there 800,000
different opinions allpurporting to have the facts.
And it's what are the real factshere that can help me ground my
(15:10):
assessment and make decisionsabout how I want to move
forward? So, that's a dimensionas well. An additional dimension
related to, remember we talkedabout whose assessments do you
give authority, whose opinionsyou give? Wait, this is a quick
one. But I think about socialmedia.
And I don't really go on socialmedia much, pretty much just
(15:32):
LinkedIn. But I hear lots ofstories about social media,
keyboard warriors, and peopleposting things and then getting
attacked by other people onsocial media, or like people
that are overly dependent onlikes and are crushed, when
other people don't like them.Remember this folks, other
(15:54):
people's assessments are neverthe truth, your assessments are
never the truth. When someonecomes when you post something,
and someone writes a negativecomment about what you post,
it's not the truth about you.It's just their assessment of
what you wrote, based on whothey are and their experience,
you don't have to engage withthem.
You don't have to get triggeredand so upset and go create drama
(16:18):
around it and spread it around.Likes on social media or just
that. Just an assessment bysomeone, so what? And so there's
more to that and maybe there'llbe a separate episode but I just
want to speak to really payattention to in your life. If
you want to be grounded,authentic and confident, give a
few people's assessmentsauthority and invite those
(16:41):
judiciously and invite them frompeople who are observers that
you trust in a particulardomain. That's probably a piece
I need to introduce now, whichis we make assessments in
different domains. You canassess me in terms of my ability
to keep the house and you mightassess me very differently in
terms of how I dress. And verydifferently in terms of how I
(17:03):
coach, and very differently interms of how I do a podcast, all
of those assessments in a way.
And so we need to start beingtargeted with our assessments.
And in what domain am Iassessing myself?In what domain
am I assessing this person? Andwe'll talk a little more about
that, since that one just poppedin my head is one that I think
(17:24):
is important to discuss. Here'sanother catchy saying it's
related to this, what I've beentalking about with authority.
Assessments often say more aboutthe observer making them than
they do about the thing beingassessed. Assessment sometimes
say much more about the personthat's making them than the
thing or the person that's beingassessed.
(17:45):
And so that's an additionalwrinkle in here to be thinking
about. In a way I would actuallysay anytime someone else's
assesses you positive ornegative, it tells you something
about the assessor they aren'tsomething about them. So when
you start weighing feedback, becareful, again, who you give
authority, and often says moreabout them and how they look at
(18:06):
things, and less about you,something you should consider.
And the last one is related tothe other piece, that important
aspect that touches on which isthe right background
conversation, or I'd rather beright than happy. Just thought
about how embedded that ishistorically in our culture for
decades, maybe even centuries.
And it plays out in this way.Often we'll be in conversations
(18:30):
with people and someone will saythat say something, offer an
assessment someone goes right,right? You know, like, right?
It's just like we don't eventhink about it's automatic. Or
someone will say something andthen they'll say, am I right or
wrong? Am I right or wrong? Now,I've equipped you with the tool
of neither. What you said is anassessment, you're neither right
or wrong. And so let's have adifferent conversation around
(18:53):
this. That's that template is atrapping template in terms of
our ability to try to haveconversations around it.
So those are the pieces I wantedto reconnect to what I talked
about last time or build on someadditional aspects that I'd like
to add to the basic distinctionfor today. Are these there's
about 8 or 10 of them. So, somenew ideas for you to begin
(19:15):
thinking about and digesting,okay? And so what are those? Let
me get to those now. The firstone is our assessments are made
from some standards. So, I wantyou to think about your
standards. All assessments aremade from a standard and
sometimes they're hard toidentify each of us because
(19:36):
we're different observers oftenhave different standards about
different things in differentareas or different domains of
our life.
So, the example that I'll usehere to try to clarify this.
Let's talk about the assessmentof whether someone's reliable or
not. And let's imagine that youand I are talking and we're
saying we're evaluating one ofthe people that works for us.
And our standards are I forreliability, I'll say I'm gonna
(19:59):
judge him or her is reliable. Ifthey're on time for work at 8
am, every day, this month, andthey only miss that one time,
that's my standard. Yourstandard is a bit more quote
relaxed, you saywell, I'll givethem 3 or 4, maybe 5 times to
arrive after 8 o'clock.
And I'll still think of them asreliable unless they go past
(20:21):
that. So, this person that isworking for us, they show up the
first time at 8 o'clock, theyshow up consistently at 8
o'clock. But mid month, theyhappen to show up at 8 10. And I
go well, there's their miss, butI'm still holding them reliable.
And then the next week they showup at 8 10. And all of a sudden,
they move from the reliable boxto me too unreliable. They
(20:45):
literally are being assesseddifferently, and they have
changed in my eyes. Whereas foryou, they're still reliable,
they still have two or threemore opportunities show up after
8 o'clock, and they'll stay inthe reliable category.
But if they go over that,they'll move to unreliable. So
it's about standards, you and Ihave different standards around
(21:05):
how we're making ourassessments. What I find is that
oftentimes, when we get in abattle of assessments, we have
different assessments withothers, we go to war over them,
that's too dramatic. I talkedabout that last time slot war,
we battle over them, we fightwith one another because we hold
ours to be true, or right andyours is wrong. And so we don't
(21:25):
have a productive conversation.Oftentimes, what's needed there
is to drop the conversation fromit to notice that we have
different assessments and dropit to standards, let's examine.
Do we have the same standardshere from which we're assessing,
that might help us understandthe disconnect, help us be able
to close the disconnect and moveforward. So that's one, a few
(21:48):
other sayings, widely heldassessments by a group of people
still never become assertions.For example, if 10 people have
the same opinion about someoneor a similar opinion, in the
same ballpark as someone, itdoesn't make it true. It just
makes it a widely heldassessment about them. Isn't
(22:10):
that interesting? Something Ithink we do often what everybody
thinks that it must be true,nope.
It just might be a widely heldwell grounded assessment, but
it's never the truth about them.In addition, there's an aspect
to assessment. So I would say becareful that you don't borrow
other people's assessments aboutsomeone you've never met. And I
think this happens all the time.In many instances, I have found
(22:33):
that I'll give a corporateexample. Let's say that the
outgoing leader is found anotherjob, they're moving to another
company, they've got a team ofsix people. I'm the incoming
leader that they've hired towork with this team and revamp
them maybe or make them evenmore successful. And I'd meet
you the day I come in and you'regetting your stuff together,
you're on your way out and yousay, Look, let me tell you about
(22:54):
the team you're gonna get.
And I would say, No, I don'twant to hear about them. I want
to make my own assessments basedon my own experience of them. If
you listen to all thoseassessments about that outgoing
leader, it's going to shapeimmediately how you view each of
those team members the momentyou meet them. And it may make
(23:15):
it more challenging for you toget off that assessment and
update or rely on your ownassessment. And I think we
dangerously borrow assessmentsabout other people we've never
met quite often. So don't dothat. The next aspect I want to
share is sort of the back to thebasics of remember all
observers, all of us, our way ofbeing is this connection of
(23:36):
language, emotion and body.
Okay. And so, I think one of thethings going on because we're
digging deeper into language. Weknow that it has an impact on
our emotional state and ourbody. I want to talk today about
the concept that I callemotional strength. I think
actually, we have a lack ofemotional strength individually
(24:00):
and collectively, because ourfear of how others are going to
assess us. A classic example ofthis is public speaking right?
Years ago, I heard the datasuggests that it's a number one
fear in America, not dying, notsomething else. It was public
And I think when you think abouthow frightened people are to
speaking.
speak publicly, at the core.What it's fundamentally about
is, I'm so scared of how thosepeople are going to judge or
(24:27):
assess me that I'm not going totake that action. I'm not going
to put myself up in front ofthem, be uncomfortable for an
extended period of time, workthrough that discomfort, and get
enough practice again and againto get better at public
speaking. So that, fear preventsus from even taking the action
and we never build that muscle.We never build our emotional
(24:49):
strength, which means puttingourselves in uncomfortable
situations, moving through them,surviving them, so that they're
easy to handle the next time.That's what I'm talking about.
And usually it's some version ofI'm afraid of how they're going
to assess me. Because it wouldbe true if it was negative and
there's nothing I can do aboutthat and it's not. So, we're
getting in our way. So thatmakes me it connects to me to
the whole topic of feedback,which again, we'll probably have
(25:18):
a separate episode on this. Butone of the things I've been
saying for years now and workingwith my executive clients and
their teams and theorganizations is one of the
biggest missing conversations inorganizations and teams is
I just don't see enough teamsand organizations. Giving and
feedback.
receiving feed honest, hardfeedback with one another. Here
(25:41):
in the south in Nashville, it'sa lot of positive fluffy stuff,
and no negative. There's afundamental belief in the
southern culture that a lot ofpeople buy into. If you don't
have anything good to say, don'tsay anything at all and that's
been going on for decades. Andit's still in our way from being
able to have the open, honest,authentic conversations we need
(26:02):
to have as teams and in our oneon one relationships for growth,
for learning.
And that's the value of givingand receiving feedback is it
allows us to see what we don'tsee and we can grow or gives us
an opportunity to choose to growor learn. So one of my messages
to you is don't be afraid togive and receive feedback in
(26:24):
your life. Wherever you thinkit's, it's needed, or it would
be important because it's neverthe truth. Anything anybody else
says about you, is they don'tknow that truth about you. They
might provide an assertion whichis a truth, but most people
don't. They're going to provideassessments, how you show up for
them?
In addition, your assessmentsabout yourself are never the
(26:46):
truth never happen the truth.Don't be afraid of them, okay?
So how does feedback work well?Be choosy, invite it, especially
if you walk out of a meeting oran interaction go home. What if
I came across that way? Ask, askfor feedback in a very targeted
way. Listen to the feedback, askfor grounding of that feedback
(27:07):
and then you get to choose. Do Iwant to do anything with this or
not? And so another dimension tothis is if you've let's say,
talk to multiple people andyou're getting feedback and it
has a similar thread or thetheme to it.
That's when you want to reallystop, take a hard look and go
get 10 different observers,making very similar feedback
(27:28):
about me, I don't necessarilyagree with that view about
myself. But if these 10 peopleare saying this and I trust them
and they're important, I need tolook at that. I probably need to
pause and reflect and take anhonest look at that. Then decide
how grounded it is or getgrounded from them and then
decide. Wow, they're on tosomething and that's something I
(27:48):
now want to choose to change andwork on and grow. Or you might
decide I got enough on my plate,I'm not going to attack that
now.
But it's nice to know that'spotentially how I'm showing up
for them. And I want to bemindful about doing it a little
different, as much as I cangoing forward, okay. So some
examples of that piece or like,makes me think about it.
(28:11):
Especially in organizations,like the assessment tests that
people take and the way theyoften will speak about them that
gives you a clue of they'reholding them. Like, this is the
way that I am because this testsays so. So for example, like
the Myers-Briggs test, are youan ESFJ or an INTP? And people
will often use that as an excusenot to take different behavior.
(28:34):
Because oh, I'm an I am not an Eor I'm a P or a T or an S.
So no, it's just an assessmenttests a very, maybe valid and
reliable assessment test. Butit's not the truth about you.
Same thing for the Enneagram,it's become very popular these
days. I hear it a lot more butit's really just a
classification of some aspect ofyou. It's an assessment test, it
(28:57):
has value. It's really importantto give you an understanding of
maybe more of your nature, yourgeneral natural style around
things but it never is the truthsuch that it puts you in a box,
and you cannot behavedifferently than that. It just
doesn't work that way with thisdistinction. The one I use a lot
with leaders is the Hogan, andso we talked about that one in
(29:20):
that way as well.
And additionally, a lot inorganizations if I got leaders
listening to this are 360 degreeassessments. A lot of executives
like to start their engagementswith 360 assessments. So, it's a
360 degree ask of people aroundyou. Above you your boss's
sideways, your peers and belowyou your direct reports, and
(29:40):
maybe others that have thoserelationships with you. We
gather all that theirperspectives, their information
that some of the data. Wepresent this assessment, and
remember, it's never the truthabout you either.
Now, there may be facts toground the assessments they're
offering, but often I find a lotof times in many 360s, they're
not providing strong grounding.People are not really asked
(30:03):
after their general assessment.Give me some specific examples
that backup your opinion becausemost people are afraid to do
that. Guess why? Because they'reafraid if they give a very
specific interaction, forexample, the person being
assessed is going to identifywho they are and there will be
retribution of some sort. Sothere's some internal traps
(30:24):
going on almost in some of thesetools we're trying to use
effectively and they get in our way.
What's one more notion, I havekind of touched on it but I want
to introduce now the wholenotion of stereotyping or
labeling, because assessmentsare generative. There's a danger
obviously, when we assess peopleespecially negatively or we
(30:45):
label them, we stereotype themboth positive and negative
because remember, it predisposesus to view them a certain way.
When we interact with him goingforward, so after the first or
second interaction, we'veassessed them, put them in the
box. They're this or they'rethat and maybe we now hold that
And that's often because ofprevious assessing, labeling or
to be the truth.
It funnels the way we'll look atthem and the way we'll engage
(31:08):
with them, but sort of pullingback a little bit. The
distinction of starting to labelpeople or judge them or
judging. So I'll introduceagain, another idea which is a
stereotype them. I think of itthis way it's like that, because
we've assessed them that way,the conversation we're about to
loaded word, but that'sprejudice. If you think about
go have with them has alreadybeen had. We've already thought
it through based on thoseassessments, we know how it's
looking hard at some of ourprejudices, if you think about
going to unfold. We know whatwe're going to say we know what
(31:31):
they're gonna say, or howthey're gonna react. And so it's
the word prejudice. Itessentially is pre judging,
already been had, so we walkedinto the counter. And there it
goes, we open with ourassessments and a way it
which can be even moredangerous. I've judged some
unfolds, and then often willlater sad news gonna go that way.
group of people, whether it'spoliticians, used car salesmen,
(31:54):
or it's people with a certainskin color. These people are
those people are people fromdifferent countries, I've pre
judged them. And theseassessments I have when I meet
(32:16):
someone from that group, I havea group wide assessment.
It immediately affects the way Iengage and interact with them.
So, I want you to be carefulabout labeling and stereotyping
and prejudging. Again, it kindof fits with just notice them,
we all probably have them, bewilling to get off of them be
(32:39):
willing to walk intoconversations, willing to get
off of them, willing to put themaside. Let me assess freshly
here with this unique humanbeing that I'm interacting with.
I think it could serve ustremendously well, in terms of
having some of the challengingdifficult conversations that we
find ourselves in professionallyand personally in this culture,
that we don't seem to be able tomove through.
(33:01):
I think that's it for today interms of those ideas, wrapping
up in the way that I always dosort of a summary. Yeah, I get
to thinking about how do Isummarize this one? And what
I'll say is that I don't knowthat I can, I've shared a number
of different sort of quickhitters about how we use them.
And so, I guess I would justinvite you as a summary to think
about when you stop thisepisode, pause, maybe grab
(33:24):
something to write with acapture. What are the 1 or 2 or
3 that really resonated with youthe most today? Write those down
and so you can begin to distillthem into your thinking, and
maybe do something with them, ifthat hopefully that makes sense.
So, based on summarizing in thatway, here's your homework for
next time. Use what resonatedwith you what landed most for
(33:48):
you to create your home homeworkassignment is one option around
assessments assertions.
So what might that be? Forexample, you could journal.
Here's a question for you tojournal around. How Does knowing
this distinction? Now, begin tochange your way of being and
remember that you're thinking,you're speaking, you're emoting
(34:10):
or feeling and you're actingyour body. See, think, feel and
act. How could this openpossibilities for you to see,
think, feel and act differently?Building upon that, is like
looking at perhaps in animportant relationship,
personally, professionally, orinteraction like what story have
(34:31):
you bought about yourself orothers, that you need to now
investigate further for facts.See if it's grounded or not and
then possibly change it becausethat story is generative. It is
either often empowering ordisempowering.
So for yourself if we want tobring it back to you, what
(34:53):
assessments have you beenholding his truth or what story
do you hold his truth? And yousuffer because you revisit that
over and over it. Pops up inyour thinking constantly and you
dwell on it, that's what I meanby unnecessary suffering its
linguistic suffering. Can youbegin to see that it's never
been true about you? Look forgrounding to support it,
(35:17):
especially if it's negative andthen look for grounding that
denies it the for the oppositeassessment, the positive and
loosen its hold on you and startto speak more positively about
yourself. I'll give you this asthe last thing, one of the
assignments I often do with myclients and I've done it before,
and it was really powerful.
It's what I call create abiography of assertions,
(35:40):
literally sit down, open up aword document or use a pen and
pencil and paper and write downthe facts of your life. Start
from when where were you born,to what parents, and what city,
and what hospital. And movethrough your young earlier
years, your young years, yourelementary school, middle
school, high school, college, ifyou did that, up till into your
(36:02):
career, offer assertions aroundrelationships, important
relationship, but provide abiography a search of
assertions, you want to know whoyou truly are? Here you are,
these are the facts of yourlife. Everything else are
assessments that you or othershave made. Do this and then
begin to notice, how does thefacts of my life stack up
(36:27):
against the story?
I've been telling myself, andothers have been telling me
about who I am. You might find asmall disconnect or a massive
disconnect. Wherever it happensto be and then you can realize
it is time for me to rewrite mystory to a more empowering story
that's grounded in these facts.So I'll leave you with that, we
(36:48):
may do something with that inthe future. But you choose your
homework based on what resonatedwith you most in this episode.
And I hope it was a lot ofthings. There were a lot of
things that resonated with youin this episode.
So close as I often do, begentle with your assessment.
Examine them, be willing to letgo of them both for yourself and
(37:09):
others. And as you move forward,thank you again for listening to
the podcast. Hope it's provokessome thinking, and some thinking
that you'll act upon but mostimportantly be well understand
your brilliance, yourexcellence. See those things and
assess those things. Be well,until the next episode and I
(37:31):
will talk to you soon and we'llcontinue the conversation for
Wake Up and Pay Attention. Takecare.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
or inspired new thinking. Dropme a note, I'd love to hear your
(37:52):
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well be present. Live fully andauthentically, Wake Up and Pay
Attention.
Welcome to Wake Up and PayAttention, the podcast fueling
(00:03):
positive change from the insideout. I'm Mark Robertson your
host. With over 25 years as aProfessional Coach, I'm thrilled
to explore the personal growthtools that have helped me and
hundreds of people just like youdesign and awaken to their best
life. If you've ever feltoverwhelmed and unfulfilled,
like you're just going throughthe motions day after day, maybe
(00:25):
you're afraid one day all theballs are going to drop, you're
in the right place. Together,let's expand our self awareness
and make sustainable shifts thatimprove our communication
skills, relationships, andoverall well being. This is a
judgment free zone whereopenness, understanding and
support rule. So grab yourheadphones and get ready. It's
(00:45):
time to Wake Up and Pay Attention.
Hello, listeners, welcome toEpisode 8 of Wake Up And Pay
Attention. I'm once again reallyexcited today about continuing
the conversational journey anddoing this episode which is
actually a follow up episode toEpisode 7 on assessments and
(01:07):
assertions. So as we get starteda couple things real quick. It's
still allergy season inNashville, I'm still fighting
the creds so if my voice is alittle off apologies for that,
hopefully it's bearable. I alsowant to talk about since I
dropped the Episode 7 lastFriday. I've had a few couple of
really powerful conversationswith important people in my life
and I'll probably touch on themat some point.
(01:30):
In this episode, it was reallygreat feedback to hear how it's
impacting them and really causedme to think about how I wanted
to do this episode and probablydeepened my thinking some and
got me excited even more aboutwhat I want to offer you today.
So I'm thankful to those peoplethey know who they are for that
feedback and just invite you,yet again to please feel free to
(01:53):
rate the podcast on Apple andother platforms and maybe more
importantly to me offer mefeedback to at Market,
coachmark.com or on LinkedIn ifyou access it there. So, where
are we headed today? We'llcontinue to build on Episode 7,
and I'm kind of excited abouttoday because I think it'll give
me an opportunity to freelance alittle bit, in a way that I
(02:16):
haven't been able to before justbecause it's a follow on episode
to the last one.
So here's my approach. What Iwant to do at a minimum is to
connect a few more ideas to thefundamental ideas that I offered
you last time. So those were thebasic distinction of an
Assessment, Assertion. Some keypieces to that, which I'll touch
(02:36):
on again and then the threeprimary aspects that I touched
on last time. So, I'll probablyreconnect some of those pieces
with some additional pieces. Andthen depending on time. I may
offer some additional conceptsor thoughts or dimensions of the
distinction, sort of some onehitters that will have you
understand the power of thisdistinction even more.
(02:58):
And invite you to look at how itmay be playing out in your life
and how I'm applying and howothers are applying it. After
that this will likely leave uswith a few more meaty topics
around this distinction it'ssuch a powerful one. And those
will probably be standaloneepisodes on their own this will
get to those either in nine, tenor eleven or somewhere down the
(03:20):
line, when it makes sense. So,let's dig in for today, I think
where I want to start is torecap the basic distinction. If
you remember the two sentences Iused to introduce the speech
acts of Assessments andAssertions, I am a man, I am
stupid.
I am a man is an assertion.Remember the nature of
assertions those are provable,true or false by all observers.
(03:45):
This is the objective measurableterritory. I am stupid or smart,
outgoing or laid back, reserved,confident, a wonderful speaker,
an average speaker, a terriblespeaker. These are all
assessments, which are judgmentswhich are their opinions,
perceptions, whatever word youresonate with. And, in contrast
(04:09):
to assertions where assertionsare always true or false,
provable by all observers,assessments never true or false.
They always depend upon theobserver making them. It is
really important to understandthat distinction between the
two, and we'll build on thosetoday.
So as an aside, the thought Iwanted to share with you to
(04:32):
start this conversation today isan expression that I got from my
time at education for livingwhen I was apprenticing and
training to be an ontologicalcoach in my journey, and it goes
like this. I remember how muchit hit me and spoke to what
happens when human beingsinteract or meet one another or
(04:54):
engage with one another. Here'sthe thought, If you're busy
judging me, you miss theexperience I can be for you. If
you're busy judging the other,you miss the experience they can
be for you.
And so I think for me, what thatprovokes is this idea of how
much we can judge others andmiss them and miss the
(05:16):
connection to them. I thinkwe've all had the experience of
feeling judged by another liketheir eyes are looking you up
and down, sizing you up. And Idon't think it leaves a great
impression on us a great feelingin us, and I think we do the
same sometimes. So just again,I'll just say it one more time,
If you're busy judging me, youmiss the experience I can be for
(05:39):
you. So how many experiences ofothers have you genuinely missed
or experience with those in yourlife right now?
Important relationships, andyou're missing them, they're
missing you because of all thejudging going up. So, I will
start back into this distinctionby reconnecting to what I talked
(06:00):
about last time, with a few moreideas. So here they are. So if
you remember, I talked about thelinguistic trap. The moment we
begin to hold our assessments,as if they're assertions. So,
it's just really fundamentallyimportant as you go forward to
hold the separate at all timesin both your thinking and in
your speaking.
(06:20):
And then when you behavedifferently than that
assessment, or someone else inyour life behaves differently.
Be willing to update yourassessment of them. Be willing
to get off of it, I think it'dbe can be incredibly powerful.
It creates an amazing opening inour relationships and our
ability to communicate with oneanother. So, just don't collapse
(06:42):
them and be willing to updateyour assessments. I think this
is going to date me but I thinkof the Band 38 Special and I
love that song Hold On LooselyBut Don't Let Go.
So hold assessments loosely butdon't let go. The example I
think about it from my own lifewas related to my marriage and
looking back on it and one ofthe thoughts I had after that
(07:04):
was when you look at our longstanding historical
relationships, whether it'sintimate relationships,
friendships, the ones we've hadfor a long time. I think our
historical assessments can behard to get out from under, can
be really hard to do the thing Iasked you to do, which is be
willing to update yourassessment about that person
because we spent so much timewith them over and over.
(07:28):
We often find ourselvesrepeating the same assessments
about them again and again, insuch a powerful way that we come
almost pre loaded to the nextinteraction because we've
assessed them the same way forso long. The thought I had back
when I was thinking about thatwas the expression, there's too
much water under the bridge forus to make a shift here, too
(07:50):
much water under the bridge.I've been assessing them the
same way for way too long and myability to move off of that
assessment is really difficult,because it's been going on for
so long. So, I hope that ideamakes sense to you.
The next piece to connect back,remember I said assertions are
the descriptive act. They justsit there, that's what they do,
(08:11):
they're descriptive and factual.Whereas assessments are
generative and creative and Idon't think I touched on it
enough last time but I want tobuild on that with this idea.
They are generative andcreative, whether they're
positive or negative, it happensit works in both directions. I
use a lot of negative assessmentexamples because that's often
(08:32):
where our suffering is. Butthere can also be suffering
created in yourself and othersthrough positive assessments.
And so, that's the aspect that Italked about last time about
when we put people in a box theycan't get out of that box can be
a pretty box, positive box or anegative box. So, a couple
examples I'll share with youtoday.
One was from a really importantperson in my life that I was
(08:54):
around this weekend and shelistened to the podcast and
brought up an example from herown life. Which was the
assessment when she was growingup that she often had from
others, which was she waspretty. And you would think
that's obviously a positiveassessment. But the language
that I think when with that, asshe moved through life, there
was other stuff attached to thatI think got in the way. So she
(09:16):
talked about, she was pretty asalmost as if people assessed her
as pretty and then overlookedany other positive qualities
about her, how intelligent shewas, how aware she was, how good
she was, at so many things wasoften dismissed. Because she's
pretty and obviously theassessment of pretty people is
they don't have these othertalents.
(09:38):
And she talked about being anengineering school. She
graduated with an engineeringdegree. She was first in her
class, and there were multipleexamples in school about you're
so pretty this is surprisingmaybe that you were able to do
this well. I can't. Remember theexact examples that she gave me.
I wish I could but it was areally powerful example of wow,
how that seemingly positiveassessment. It shaped other
(10:00):
people's perspective on her andgot in the way in the same way
that a negative assessment can.The example that I often use in
this one was more of a corporateexample back when I worked for
Andersen Consulting a long timeago. We would get sized up
pretty quickly on our firstproject and second project and
we'd get put in the box labeledand branded as Rockstar employee
(10:24):
or subpar.
And the Rockstar employeeassessment could be really good
for meaning you were gonna getstaffed on the next few projects
really easily. But it may havegotten in the way of people
being willing and able to seeyour weaknesses, see your areas
for growth. And I think it cancause problems for those people
as much as the negativeassessment. Initially, if
(10:46):
subpar, maybe you've had a fewchallenges in learning or moving
along and at Andersen, you wereexpected to do so very quickly.
And because you got assessed assubpar, and that assessment was
shared amongst the managers andpartners, you often were put on
the bench and not selected rightaway for projects unless the
need was high for more bodies.So, I hope that example as well
(11:06):
makes sense. What's the nextone?
Remember, I talked aboutassessments never true false,
only depend on the observeralways depend on the observer.
And the relationship between thetwo assessments and assertions
is that you want to be able toground any assessment you have.
Remember, human beings areassessment machines. So we
quickly assess quick, quick,quiick, quickly. So, your
(11:29):
historical assessments or yourimmediate assessments, you want
at some point examine those forgrounding. Do I have assertions
facts to support my opinion? Andit's very clear, so that when I
enter a conversation withsomeone. I can when I realized
they have an opposite assessmentthan me, you can provide your
grounding. Hopefully, they'lllisten and you can ask for them
(11:51):
to ground there's, so that youcan figure out how to move
forward in that conversation.
And so, grounding is reallyimportant. ungrounded
assessments often caused lots ofchallenges, and problems. And so
one of the ways that I see thatplaying out when I talk with my
clients is, I've been listeningto my clients for years and
(12:13):
often they'll talk to me aboutchallenges or issues that other
people have come to them andsay, hey this is what happened,
and this is why it happened andso on and so forth. And they'll
run that down, they'll chase itdown and they'll assume that's a
grounded assessment and they'llgo act upon it quickly, and I
said, hold on. But so thethought that I leave them with
these days is don't buy thesurface story you hear, don't
(12:35):
buy the initial story. Make sureyou probe for grounding, where
they get the information, whodid it come from?
Is it based in fact, but I findin our culture these days, we're
often quick to buy the surfacestory either from others or via
the internet or social media.And then we act upon that
because remember assessmentslead us into the future lead us
(12:58):
to take action based on them.We're often buying the story way
too quick, and remember what wetalked about with stories, those
are the weaving of assessmentstogether into a coherent story.
And so don't buy the initialstory, get grounding and make
sure you have a solid sense ofhow well grounded it is. Then go
(13:20):
explore, search for othergrounding involve other people
get their perspectives beforeyou jump to action.
And then maybe equallyimportant, is be careful that
It's like we live in a time ofwhat are the facts anymore? It's
you don't then take that perhapsungrounded story and go spread
almost as if we've lost thosethey're hard to find, and it's
it around in your workplace orat home, in your family or in
anywhere. Because it'll just bedoing even more damage, the more
(13:42):
hard for us to haveconversations about the facts.
that story that ungrounded storyis spread and I see it happening
everywhere. Another issuerelated to that is one of I
think the current culturalchallenges we have one of my
Remember facts provable, truefalse by all observers. So, I
assessments the last few yearsis. When I have assessments
about things, where do I go findthe facts to ground my
(14:02):
assessments about things?
think many of us go on theinternet or social media read
something like, oh that must bea fact. It must be true if such
(14:25):
and such website said it and wego off and we spread it. And so,
an example I had for this wasaround my health. I've had some
challenges with six kneesurgeries over the years, a knee
replacement a few years ago,some back issues and so I've
been trying to get healthy. Andwhat I discovered over the last
three years is there are so manydifferent assessments about why
(14:47):
that's happening.
What the best way to treat thisis the best way to move forward,
how to best take care of yourhealth from a health and
wellness perspective? And whenyou go out on the internet and
you google and you search forthings, it's like there 800,000
different opinions allpurporting to have the facts.
And it's what are the real factshere that can help me ground my
(15:10):
assessment and make decisionsabout how I want to move
forward? So, that's a dimensionas well. An additional dimension
related to, remember we talkedabout whose assessments do you
give authority, whose opinionsyou give? Wait, this is a quick
one. But I think about socialmedia.
And I don't really go on socialmedia much, pretty much just
(15:32):
LinkedIn. But I hear lots ofstories about social media,
keyboard warriors, and peopleposting things and then getting
attacked by other people onsocial media, or like people
that are overly dependent onlikes and are crushed, when
other people don't like them.Remember this folks, other
(15:54):
people's assessments are neverthe truth, your assessments are
never the truth. When someonecomes when you post something,
and someone writes a negativecomment about what you post,
it's not the truth about you.It's just their assessment of
what you wrote, based on whothey are and their experience,
you don't have to engage withthem.
You don't have to get triggeredand so upset and go create drama
(16:18):
around it and spread it around.Likes on social media or just
that. Just an assessment bysomeone, so what? And so there's
more to that and maybe there'llbe a separate episode but I just
want to speak to really payattention to in your life. If
you want to be grounded,authentic and confident, give a
few people's assessmentsauthority and invite those
(16:41):
judiciously and invite them frompeople who are observers that
you trust in a particulardomain. That's probably a piece
I need to introduce now, whichis we make assessments in
different domains. You canassess me in terms of my ability
to keep the house and you mightassess me very differently in
terms of how I dress. And verydifferently in terms of how I
(17:03):
coach, and very differently interms of how I do a podcast, all
of those assessments in a way.
And so we need to start beingtargeted with our assessments.
And in what domain am Iassessing myself?In what domain
am I assessing this person? Andwe'll talk a little more about
that, since that one just poppedin my head is one that I think
(17:24):
is important to discuss. Here'sanother catchy saying it's
related to this, what I've beentalking about with authority.
Assessments often say more aboutthe observer making them than
they do about the thing beingassessed. Assessment sometimes
say much more about the personthat's making them than the
thing or the person that's beingassessed.
(17:45):
And so that's an additionalwrinkle in here to be thinking
about. In a way I would actuallysay anytime someone else's
assesses you positive ornegative, it tells you something
about the assessor they aren'tsomething about them. So when
you start weighing feedback, becareful, again, who you give
authority, and often says moreabout them and how they look at
(18:06):
things, and less about you,something you should consider.
And the last one is related tothe other piece, that important
aspect that touches on which isthe right background
conversation, or I'd rather beright than happy. Just thought
about how embedded that ishistorically in our culture for
decades, maybe even centuries.
And it plays out in this way.Often we'll be in conversations
(18:30):
with people and someone will saythat say something, offer an
assessment someone goes right,right? You know, like, right?
It's just like we don't eventhink about it's automatic. Or
someone will say something andthen they'll say, am I right or
wrong? Am I right or wrong? Now,I've equipped you with the tool
of neither. What you said is anassessment, you're neither right
or wrong. And so let's have adifferent conversation around
(18:53):
this. That's that template is atrapping template in terms of
our ability to try to haveconversations around it.
So those are the pieces I wantedto reconnect to what I talked
about last time or build on someadditional aspects that I'd like
to add to the basic distinctionfor today. Are these there's
about 8 or 10 of them. So, somenew ideas for you to begin
(19:15):
thinking about and digesting,okay? And so what are those? Let
me get to those now. The firstone is our assessments are made
from some standards. So, I wantyou to think about your
standards. All assessments aremade from a standard and
sometimes they're hard toidentify each of us because
(19:36):
we're different observers oftenhave different standards about
different things in differentareas or different domains of
our life.
So, the example that I'll usehere to try to clarify this.
Let's talk about the assessmentof whether someone's reliable or
not. And let's imagine that youand I are talking and we're
saying we're evaluating one ofthe people that works for us.
And our standards are I forreliability, I'll say I'm gonna
(19:59):
judge him or her is reliable. Ifthey're on time for work at 8
am, every day, this month, andthey only miss that one time,
that's my standard. Yourstandard is a bit more quote
relaxed, you saywell, I'll givethem 3 or 4, maybe 5 times to
arrive after 8 o'clock.
And I'll still think of them asreliable unless they go past
(20:21):
that. So, this person that isworking for us, they show up the
first time at 8 o'clock, theyshow up consistently at 8
o'clock. But mid month, theyhappen to show up at 8 10. And I
go well, there's their miss, butI'm still holding them reliable.
And then the next week they showup at 8 10. And all of a sudden,
they move from the reliable boxto me too unreliable. They
(20:45):
literally are being assesseddifferently, and they have
changed in my eyes. Whereas foryou, they're still reliable,
they still have two or threemore opportunities show up after
8 o'clock, and they'll stay inthe reliable category.
But if they go over that,they'll move to unreliable. So
it's about standards, you and Ihave different standards around
(21:05):
how we're making ourassessments. What I find is that
oftentimes, when we get in abattle of assessments, we have
different assessments withothers, we go to war over them,
that's too dramatic. I talkedabout that last time slot war,
we battle over them, we fightwith one another because we hold
ours to be true, or right andyours is wrong. And so we don't
(21:25):
have a productive conversation.Oftentimes, what's needed there
is to drop the conversation fromit to notice that we have
different assessments and dropit to standards, let's examine.
Do we have the same standardshere from which we're assessing,
that might help us understandthe disconnect, help us be able
to close the disconnect and moveforward. So that's one, a few
(21:48):
other sayings, widely heldassessments by a group of people
still never become assertions.For example, if 10 people have
the same opinion about someoneor a similar opinion, in the
same ballpark as someone, itdoesn't make it true. It just
makes it a widely heldassessment about them. Isn't
(22:10):
that interesting? Something Ithink we do often what everybody
thinks that it must be true,nope.
It just might be a widely heldwell grounded assessment, but
it's never the truth about them.In addition, there's an aspect
to assessment. So I would say becareful that you don't borrow
other people's assessments aboutsomeone you've never met. And I
think this happens all the time.In many instances, I have found
(22:33):
that I'll give a corporateexample. Let's say that the
outgoing leader is found anotherjob, they're moving to another
company, they've got a team ofsix people. I'm the incoming
leader that they've hired towork with this team and revamp
them maybe or make them evenmore successful. And I'd meet
you the day I come in and you'regetting your stuff together,
you're on your way out and yousay, Look, let me tell you about
(22:54):
the team you're gonna get.
And I would say, No, I don'twant to hear about them. I want
to make my own assessments basedon my own experience of them. If
you listen to all thoseassessments about that outgoing
leader, it's going to shapeimmediately how you view each of
those team members the momentyou meet them. And it may make
(23:15):
it more challenging for you toget off that assessment and
update or rely on your ownassessment. And I think we
dangerously borrow assessmentsabout other people we've never
met quite often. So don't dothat. The next aspect I want to
share is sort of the back to thebasics of remember all
observers, all of us, our way ofbeing is this connection of
(23:36):
language, emotion and body.
Okay. And so, I think one of thethings going on because we're
digging deeper into language. Weknow that it has an impact on
our emotional state and ourbody. I want to talk today about
the concept that I callemotional strength. I think
actually, we have a lack ofemotional strength individually
(24:00):
and collectively, because ourfear of how others are going to
assess us. A classic example ofthis is public speaking right?
Years ago, I heard the datasuggests that it's a number one
fear in America, not dying, notsomething else. It was public
And I think when you think abouthow frightened people are to
speaking.
speak publicly, at the core.What it's fundamentally about
is, I'm so scared of how thosepeople are going to judge or
(24:27):
assess me that I'm not going totake that action. I'm not going
to put myself up in front ofthem, be uncomfortable for an
extended period of time, workthrough that discomfort, and get
enough practice again and againto get better at public
speaking. So that, fear preventsus from even taking the action
and we never build that muscle.We never build our emotional
(24:49):
strength, which means puttingourselves in uncomfortable
situations, moving through them,surviving them, so that they're
easy to handle the next time.That's what I'm talking about.
And usually it's some version ofI'm afraid of how they're going
to assess me. Because it wouldbe true if it was negative and
there's nothing I can do aboutthat and it's not. So, we're
getting in our way. So thatmakes me it connects to me to
the whole topic of feedback,which again, we'll probably have
(25:18):
a separate episode on this. Butone of the things I've been
saying for years now and workingwith my executive clients and
their teams and theorganizations is one of the
biggest missing conversations inorganizations and teams is
I just don't see enough teamsand organizations. Giving and
feedback.
receiving feed honest, hardfeedback with one another. Here
(25:41):
in the south in Nashville, it'sa lot of positive fluffy stuff,
and no negative. There's afundamental belief in the
southern culture that a lot ofpeople buy into. If you don't
have anything good to say, don'tsay anything at all and that's
been going on for decades. Andit's still in our way from being
able to have the open, honest,authentic conversations we need
(26:02):
to have as teams and in our oneon one relationships for growth,
for learning.
And that's the value of givingand receiving feedback is it
allows us to see what we don'tsee and we can grow or gives us
an opportunity to choose to growor learn. So one of my messages
to you is don't be afraid togive and receive feedback in
(26:24):
your life. Wherever you thinkit's, it's needed, or it would
be important because it's neverthe truth. Anything anybody else
says about you, is they don'tknow that truth about you. They
might provide an assertion whichis a truth, but most people
don't. They're going to provideassessments, how you show up for
them?
In addition, your assessmentsabout yourself are never the
(26:46):
truth never happen the truth.Don't be afraid of them, okay?
So how does feedback work well?Be choosy, invite it, especially
if you walk out of a meeting oran interaction go home. What if
I came across that way? Ask, askfor feedback in a very targeted
way. Listen to the feedback, askfor grounding of that feedback
(27:07):
and then you get to choose. Do Iwant to do anything with this or
not? And so another dimension tothis is if you've let's say,
talk to multiple people andyou're getting feedback and it
has a similar thread or thetheme to it.
That's when you want to reallystop, take a hard look and go
get 10 different observers,making very similar feedback
(27:28):
about me, I don't necessarilyagree with that view about
myself. But if these 10 peopleare saying this and I trust them
and they're important, I need tolook at that. I probably need to
pause and reflect and take anhonest look at that. Then decide
how grounded it is or getgrounded from them and then
decide. Wow, they're on tosomething and that's something I
(27:48):
now want to choose to change andwork on and grow. Or you might
decide I got enough on my plate,I'm not going to attack that
now.
But it's nice to know that'spotentially how I'm showing up
for them. And I want to bemindful about doing it a little
different, as much as I cangoing forward, okay. So some
examples of that piece or like,makes me think about it.
(28:11):
Especially in organizations,like the assessment tests that
people take and the way theyoften will speak about them that
gives you a clue of they'reholding them. Like, this is the
way that I am because this testsays so. So for example, like
the Myers-Briggs test, are youan ESFJ or an INTP? And people
will often use that as an excusenot to take different behavior.
(28:34):
Because oh, I'm an I am not an Eor I'm a P or a T or an S.
So no, it's just an assessmenttests a very, maybe valid and
reliable assessment test. Butit's not the truth about you.
Same thing for the Enneagram,it's become very popular these
days. I hear it a lot more butit's really just a
classification of some aspect ofyou. It's an assessment test, it
(28:57):
has value. It's really importantto give you an understanding of
maybe more of your nature, yourgeneral natural style around
things but it never is the truthsuch that it puts you in a box,
and you cannot behavedifferently than that. It just
doesn't work that way with thisdistinction. The one I use a lot
with leaders is the Hogan, andso we talked about that one in
(29:20):
that way as well.
And additionally, a lot inorganizations if I got leaders
listening to this are 360 degreeassessments. A lot of executives
like to start their engagementswith 360 assessments. So, it's a
360 degree ask of people aroundyou. Above you your boss's
sideways, your peers and belowyou your direct reports, and
(29:40):
maybe others that have thoserelationships with you. We
gather all that theirperspectives, their information
that some of the data. Wepresent this assessment, and
remember, it's never the truthabout you either.
Now, there may be facts toground the assessments they're
offering, but often I find a lotof times in many 360s, they're
not providing strong grounding.People are not really asked
(30:03):
after their general assessment.Give me some specific examples
that backup your opinion becausemost people are afraid to do
that. Guess why? Because they'reafraid if they give a very
specific interaction, forexample, the person being
assessed is going to identifywho they are and there will be
retribution of some sort. Sothere's some internal traps
(30:24):
going on almost in some of thesetools we're trying to use
effectively and they get in our way.
What's one more notion, I havekind of touched on it but I want
to introduce now the wholenotion of stereotyping or
labeling, because assessmentsare generative. There's a danger
obviously, when we assess peopleespecially negatively or we
(30:45):
label them, we stereotype themboth positive and negative
because remember, it predisposesus to view them a certain way.
When we interact with him goingforward, so after the first or
second interaction, we'veassessed them, put them in the
box. They're this or they'rethat and maybe we now hold that
And that's often because ofprevious assessing, labeling or
to be the truth.
It funnels the way we'll look atthem and the way we'll engage
(31:08):
with them, but sort of pullingback a little bit. The
distinction of starting to labelpeople or judge them or
judging. So I'll introduceagain, another idea which is a
stereotype them. I think of itthis way it's like that, because
we've assessed them that way,the conversation we're about to
loaded word, but that'sprejudice. If you think about
go have with them has alreadybeen had. We've already thought
it through based on thoseassessments, we know how it's
looking hard at some of ourprejudices, if you think about
going to unfold. We know whatwe're going to say we know what
(31:31):
they're gonna say, or howthey're gonna react. And so it's
the word prejudice. Itessentially is pre judging,
already been had, so we walkedinto the counter. And there it
goes, we open with ourassessments and a way it
which can be even moredangerous. I've judged some
unfolds, and then often willlater sad news gonna go that way.
group of people, whether it'spoliticians, used car salesmen,
(31:54):
or it's people with a certainskin color. These people are
those people are people fromdifferent countries, I've pre
judged them. And theseassessments I have when I meet
(32:16):
someone from that group, I havea group wide assessment.
It immediately affects the way Iengage and interact with them.
So, I want you to be carefulabout labeling and stereotyping
and prejudging. Again, it kindof fits with just notice them,
we all probably have them, bewilling to get off of them be
(32:39):
willing to walk intoconversations, willing to get
off of them, willing to put themaside. Let me assess freshly
here with this unique humanbeing that I'm interacting with.
I think it could serve ustremendously well, in terms of
having some of the challengingdifficult conversations that we
find ourselves in professionallyand personally in this culture,
that we don't seem to be able tomove through.
(33:01):
I think that's it for today interms of those ideas, wrapping
up in the way that I always dosort of a summary. Yeah, I get
to thinking about how do Isummarize this one? And what
I'll say is that I don't knowthat I can, I've shared a number
of different sort of quickhitters about how we use them.
And so, I guess I would justinvite you as a summary to think
about when you stop thisepisode, pause, maybe grab
(33:24):
something to write with acapture. What are the 1 or 2 or
3 that really resonated with youthe most today? Write those down
and so you can begin to distillthem into your thinking, and
maybe do something with them, ifthat hopefully that makes sense.
So, based on summarizing in thatway, here's your homework for
next time. Use what resonatedwith you what landed most for
(33:48):
you to create your home homeworkassignment is one option around
assessments assertions.
So what might that be? Forexample, you could journal.
Here's a question for you tojournal around. How Does knowing
this distinction? Now, begin tochange your way of being and
remember that you're thinking,you're speaking, you're emoting
(34:10):
or feeling and you're actingyour body. See, think, feel and
act. How could this openpossibilities for you to see,
think, feel and act differently?Building upon that, is like
looking at perhaps in animportant relationship,
personally, professionally, orinteraction like what story have
(34:31):
you bought about yourself orothers, that you need to now
investigate further for facts.See if it's grounded or not and
then possibly change it becausethat story is generative. It is
either often empowering ordisempowering.
So for yourself if we want tobring it back to you, what
(34:53):
assessments have you beenholding his truth or what story
do you hold his truth? And yousuffer because you revisit that
over and over it. Pops up inyour thinking constantly and you
dwell on it, that's what I meanby unnecessary suffering its
linguistic suffering. Can youbegin to see that it's never
been true about you? Look forgrounding to support it,
(35:17):
especially if it's negative andthen look for grounding that
denies it the for the oppositeassessment, the positive and
loosen its hold on you and startto speak more positively about
yourself. I'll give you this asthe last thing, one of the
assignments I often do with myclients and I've done it before,
and it was really powerful.
It's what I call create abiography of assertions,
(35:40):
literally sit down, open up aword document or use a pen and
pencil and paper and write downthe facts of your life. Start
from when where were you born,to what parents, and what city,
and what hospital. And movethrough your young earlier
years, your young years, yourelementary school, middle
school, high school, college, ifyou did that, up till into your
(36:02):
career, offer assertions aroundrelationships, important
relationship, but provide abiography a search of
assertions, you want to know whoyou truly are? Here you are,
these are the facts of yourlife. Everything else are
assessments that you or othershave made. Do this and then
begin to notice, how does thefacts of my life stack up
(36:27):
against the story?
I've been telling myself, andothers have been telling me
about who I am. You might find asmall disconnect or a massive
disconnect. Wherever it happensto be and then you can realize
it is time for me to rewrite mystory to a more empowering story
that's grounded in these facts.So I'll leave you with that, we
(36:48):
may do something with that inthe future. But you choose your
homework based on what resonatedwith you most in this episode.
And I hope it was a lot ofthings. There were a lot of
things that resonated with youin this episode.
So close as I often do, begentle with your assessment.
Examine them, be willing to letgo of them both for yourself and
(37:09):
others. And as you move forward,thank you again for listening to
the podcast. Hope it's provokessome thinking, and some thinking
that you'll act upon but mostimportantly be well understand
your brilliance, yourexcellence. See those things and
assess those things. Be well,until the next episode and I
(37:31):
will talk to you soon and we'llcontinue the conversation for
Wake Up and Pay Attention. Takecare.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
or inspired new thinking. Dropme a note, I'd love to hear your
(37:52):
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well be present. Live fully andauthentically, Wake Up and Pay
Attention.
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