August 18, 2025 • 24 mins
In this conversation with Carrie Elle, we explore male vulnerability, the difference between performance and true presence, and the deep-rooted fear of rejection that shapes how men show up in intimacy.
It’s an honest, thought-provoking dialogue that invites both men and women to see connection in a new light.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:10):
Welcome back to 34, the podcast about intimacy, healing, and
human connection beyond performance.
Today's guest is someone who works right where modern love
often breaks down in the dating area.
Carrielle is AUK based dating coach who's worked with hundreds
of men and women around attraction, confidence and
(00:32):
connection. What makes Carrie's work stand
out is her honest, compassionateapproach.
She sees not just the outer dynamics of dating, but the
inner fears and emotional patterns that shape how people
relate. Carrie, thank you so much for
being here. Well, thank you.
What do you do? You want to add something more
(00:54):
about yourself? Oh, well, I think that was a
beautiful introduction. Thank you so much.
Well, I really appreciate your words.
I feel very passionately about men supporting men.
I work with so many beautiful men and they're really good men
and they need just a little bit of help in this area, something
that they struggle with. Really communicating with women
(01:18):
and understanding women and understanding women's needs and
also understanding what it is tobe masculine in the modern
world. And it's something that is very
confusing, a real challenge for men and and I feel privileged to
work with them. Beautiful.
So I mean, obviously you've beenyou've been working closely with
(01:42):
men in general and what do you feel are some of the biggest
insecurities you see in men in today's world, particularly when
it comes to dating and sex and and these things?
Yeah, Oh well, as I say, I see, I see a lot of very beautiful,
capable, intelligent men walkingaround really with with quiet
(02:03):
wounds. Often nobody else really sees
and no one's really ever asked them how they feel about
intimacy. Most of them have learnt about
dating and sex in a way that is performative.
It's about what to do and what to say and sort of how to
impress a woman and not, not howto be, not how to show how they
(02:30):
feel and and not how to show up as a man with presence.
And this is a word that comes upa lot is how to be present as a
man. So I, I mean, I see a lot of
insecurities #1 is probably a deep fear of rejection.
And it's not just romantically, but also actually being rejected
(02:53):
as a man. There's a lot of confusion about
how to express desire without, without being too much or, or
being creepy. And that's another word that
comes up a lot when I'm very worried about being creepy,
which, you know, has stemmed a lot from the Me Too era has done
a lot of damage. There's also a lack of
(03:15):
confidence around being emotionally, being able to
express yourself emotionally, and a lack of confidence in how
to lead intimacy. And, and women want leadership
where we want a leader, but men are confused about how to offer
that. And then just a fear that
(03:37):
they're not sexually adequate, they're not desirable.
I mean, there's a lot of a lot of very, very deep wounds there.
And it's, it's yeah, I, I feel, I know, I, I feel very, I feel
quite emotional talent talking about it, actually.
It's very difficult for men. Because what I see is a lot of
men are really confused today. Like you say, you're right and I
(03:58):
think a lot of them try to be like the nice guy, be very
respectful and even generous women.
Absolutely. At the same time, that doesn't
really spark attraction for for the women.
What do you what do you think that is?
I, I agree, I completely agree. I mean that, you know, they're
trying to be really good men, but they kind of lost a
(04:18):
connection with their erotic truth.
If, if that makes sense. There's that there's this sort
of they, they feel they've got to perform instead of actually
simply be who they are. I, I don't mean sort of passive
at all. I mean actually just being
really fully rooted in, in hitting who they are.
And when I, when I say truth, I mean they're sort of hiding
(04:42):
actually their real desires. You know, being nice isn't
actually being honest about whatthey really, really want.
Yeah. So what do you think most women
actually want from men? And this means both emotionally,
sexually and energetically from a from a man.
They women, we're very confusing, we're very difficult
(05:07):
to read. We, we want to feel like we're
being met but not fixed. We don't want to be managed.
We, we want to be actually met somewhere where you, the man's
not going to, he's not going to disappear.
He's not going to shut down. He's not going to try and solve
us like a, like a puzzle. We want to feel, as I say, your
(05:31):
presence sharing our world. We want to sexually, we want to
be desired, obviously, not just,you know, not just in
performance or we want to, we want to, as I say, really feel
your presence, feel your attention, feel an undiluted
(05:55):
you. And that's more erotic than any
performance or trick or or move or, you know, it's, it's yeah,
it's a real presence. We want to feel of you and we
want more. Sorry.
I have, I've heard that from a lot of women and also from from
guys that they are actually going very quickly into a fix
(06:16):
mode whenever there's a questionor a concern from a woman, even
in a relationship and the guy often just wants to fix it
basically, right. I think that's.
Yes. And I think that's what they're
confusing. But it's logical, isn't it?
It's a logical thing to do. And we are not logical
creatures. We're we're emotional creatures.
(06:36):
We're all about our feelings andwe're not about logic.
I think, and this is really where I feel like, you know,
what I've seen in, in the, in the interviews I've had with
women is really that they're looking for, they don't need a
man to fix them or hold or actually just financially
support them. Even in today's world.
They actually just want a man toemotionally hold them in one
(06:57):
way. Exactly.
It's beautifully said. Yeah, beautifully said.
It's we, we'd like direction sometimes we, we don't want to
be controlled. We we want a man who knows
himself and knows how to lead. But without you know, it's not,
it's not a forceful leadership. It's, it's, it's having a space
(07:19):
for both the fire and the sort of softness of femininity.
Being being able to be attuned and sexually present, really to,
to be able to accommodate all the things about femininity.
There's a lot to ask, but but being in the moment is, is so
vital. I think it's vital in everything
(07:40):
in life, but I think in in intimacy it's so vital to be
absolutely in the moment. So, so there's a lot of talk
today about both masculine and feminine energy, emotional
safety. And you know, everybody's
talking to us about the alpha behaviour, if you will, from a
male. Yeah.
What are your thoughts on all ofthat, if you would?
(08:02):
Well, again, I think it's a fascinating conversation because
in the modern world the dynamicshave been changing quite a lot.
Women are sometimes slipping into their masculine energy too
much and men are left not knowing where their masculinity
is. So we've lost a bit of nuance
(08:22):
with this. It I mean, for me, I think true
masculine energy is not about that sort of chest beating alpha
male dominant man. That's not, that's not for me
what true masculinity is that it's more about stability, sort
of a depth of direction and, and, and, and actual
(08:44):
responsibility, not not posturing and not, you know,
showing off, not just being a solid calm, a man who knows
himself is, is, is the strongestway to be masculine.
And the feminine energy, I thinkis often misunderstood as sort
of more of a weakness. A lot of women feel it's a
(09:05):
weakness or it's a chaos. But feminine energy to me is, is
a life force in there. We're, we're emotional radiant
in our femininity when we're really in it and, and actually
very powerful in in that feminine energy.
And I wish more than anything that we could start to enjoy
(09:27):
each other's space and allow each other to be in that in that
role. Because when a man is really,
really present and solid and treat himself, and a woman is
able to be, all those feminine qualities are so beautiful.
The two working heartily, beautifully.
That's how we've been designed. It's a beautiful way to put it.
(09:52):
So in your experience though, what actually makes a woman feel
really safe and also then turnedon at the same time?
This is this is really importantactually, because safety and
feeling turn on are actually notopposites.
They're actually requirements ofeach other.
They're they're actually essential.
(10:13):
I mean, I think that women can'treally fully open up sexually if
she doesn't trust you emotionally and it doesn't
safety. When I say safety, I don't think
of it as a bland word. It's actually very powerful.
It's it's depth and it's certainty.
(10:33):
And So what makes a woman feel safe and turned on is when you
can, when you can stay with her through emotional intensity,
when you don't flinch and don't shut down and you can bring your
own desire without any neediness.
And we can as a man, you can setyour boundaries in a quite a
(10:56):
grounded way. Not, you're not controlling her,
but you honour your own boundaries as a man.
She knows where she is with you.And you know, your body
language, your tone, your attention, everything is really
attuned to her. I hope that makes sense.
I yeah, there's a, there's a lotof confusion.
(11:19):
I think sometimes that things that are weak or, or, you know,
we, we, we, I think, I think we look at some of these words and
think, you know, that safety doesn't sound like a very sexy
word, but it is actually essential to make a woman feel
safe. And I'd say that she can really,
really open up with you. Yeah.
(11:40):
I mean, because I, what I've seen with a lot of guys and also
hearing from a lot of these women is that as you mentioned
here in the beginning, that it'smuch more about this performance
culture in one way that a guy needs to.
Yeah. In time, they also get a lot of
influences from pornography today and, and I think that's
sort of where a lot of their mind is AT, if you will, and.
(12:01):
Then it becomes. Much more performance about what
it looks like in a in a movie, for example.
Right. Yeah.
Exactly. Well, it looks it's visually you
want you want that for a movie. But but actually reality is very
different, isn't it? Very different.
Yeah, I think, I think it's, I think the whole word
performance, you know, I stop trying, stop trying to perform
(12:25):
to, to act confident because a real confidence isn't a
performance. It's, it's a very natural kind
of byproduct of all the other alignments.
It's you, you become really grounded when you actually
really, really know your values and you really do live by them
(12:46):
when you know you. Yeah.
You know, it's, it's, it's, it'snot something that it's quite
difficult to describe really, isn't it?
Because you only really understand this when you really
do start to know yourself this deeply and, and when you really
follow through what you say and your words and your actions up
completely In Sync with each other because you have a respect
(13:07):
for yourself. And I think a lot of the guys I
coach have actually lost a little bit of respect for
themselves because they're so confused and they want to do the
right thing and they want to saythe right thing and they want to
be nice and they want to be sexual and wants.
So they're not actually respecting their own values.
(13:29):
So yeah. I can see that, and I think a
lot of guys might be thinking about becoming more controlling
or performative in that sense instead of being that grounded,
confident male that eats right, Yeah.
Absolutely. But women don't want a man to
pretend to be confident. We can see through it.
You know, they, they want a man who knows who he is.
(13:52):
And even when she challenges him, you know, especially
actually when she challenges himand, and they're saying the
other way around. I mean, it's not about
controlling each other. It's, it's actually, it's always
about mastering yourself 1st. And once you master yourself,
you can be, you can be really present and confident.
(14:14):
Yeah, yeah, I. Think self love if you will, I
think is a critical thing because any other type of Love
Actually will fall unless you love yourself.
It's so true, isn't it? We have these, you know, we say
these things and, and they are, they are, they mean a huge
amount. How can anyone love you if you
don't love yourself? You know, that's that's a
(14:34):
difficult one. Very much so.
Do you believe we're seeing a general, a generational crisis
in intimacy in general, particularly then with men being
emotionally lost or even shut down at times?
Yes, I'm actually, I'm very, very sad to say I do.
I, I, I mean, I think that's whyI do what I do because I feel
(14:56):
there is a crisis and I, and I, and I say this with a lot of
love and compassion because I really, really think that men
are carrying really big emotional burdens.
They've never had space to really name these burdens.
They've not even had time to understand how to heal them.
(15:17):
They've been taught, you know, from a very young age to be
providers and protectors, achievers, but not feelers, not
lovers, not soulful, you know, soulful men who are allowed to
be held and allowed to cry and allowed to rest.
(15:37):
And I, you know, it makes me feel emotional again because I
have a son who is embarking and,you know, his teenage years.
And I'm looking at the men I seeof all age groups from all
different directions in life. And I, I see men who really want
intimacy, but they're terrified of, of losing themselves in it.
(15:58):
They, they want sex, but they're, they're actually
disconnected from their own bodies.
But we're living in a time really where men are very, very
confused and it's not easy. It's very, it's very, very
difficult for them to work out what women really want.
So what? What advice would you give to
(16:20):
men in general then, who really want to reconnect with their
sexual energy, not as performance as we talked about,
but truly as presence? Slow down, slow down and start
with your own body. Just I I would say most men have
(16:42):
have learned to as we say, sex is a performance, but just slow
it all down, last much longer. Make her orgasm 1st and and and
you know you know that mindset can disconnect you from your own
kind of erotic core and because sexual energy is about feeling
(17:08):
about aliveness, breathing, connection, it it just isn't
about the end goal. It's it really is the journey.
It really is being present, justdropping your breath during end
of sea and really, really feeling.
Yeah, that's what I kind of wantit on his helmet, if you.
(17:31):
Actually say slow down, because I think that's something I've
been hearing from a lot of womenin general, is that they really
want guys to take it easier, slow down and focus on them a
lot more. Absolutely.
And, and I think that takes so much pressure off then it's,
it's, it's really, it's very highly pressured, a man
(17:53):
performing, trying to be the best you can be.
When you start, when you stop chasing a reaction and you
actually start really kind of cultivating your, your own
erotic presence, your, your, I think your entire sexual energy
changes when you, when you, whenyou, when you stop trying to do
(18:16):
something that's this end goal and you and you just remain
right at the moment. And women feel it instantly.
I, I, I have men who said when they have started to discover
this, when they've actually understood what being present in
that intimate moment means, women have actually said, you
are different. I love your presence.
(18:38):
I love the fact that you're so fully, fully present with me.
And I think that's probably one of the most beautiful
compliments a woman can give a man.
Agree on. That, yeah, but so how how do
you feel about a man being authentic with with a woman?
I think that really is some a word that for me, sort of.
Yeah, the whole thing. Grounded and being present.
(19:01):
Yeah, it it is. It's it's someone who's almost
magnetic, doesn't need someone else to complete him.
He's he's fully, he's fully himself.
He's also another thing is to, to learn how to express all of
his feelings, even his anger, you know, really cleanly, not
(19:23):
violently, not in fear to be able to find his own voice about
what he feels and needs and, andreconnecting with his
sensuality. Because after, after years is
there's a sort of numbness that a lot of men seem to feel, which
is they just don't have a feeling of, of what sex is.
And, and once they realise actually, it isn't just about
(19:45):
the performance and it's about being fully alive.
I think it's a really beautiful shift where a man stops trying
to be a version of the man that the world told him to be and he
actually becomes himself, You know, in fully, fully flawed,
powerful, present, unapologetic.This is who I am.
(20:07):
I'm doing the best I can do. Having the best version of
myself and that's I mean, that'strue of men and women.
You've got to be the best version of yourself and.
And that's how women will love you when you when.
You think about the men you've been coaching.
What are some of the beauty, some of the most beautiful
(20:27):
shifts you've seen in men that you've been talking to?
Is it really around being much more present and being?
It really isn't. And this, this is just on the on
the the approaching women's side.
This is not not in the bedroom. It's more actually just how
women are communicating with when men and women are
communicating together. And the minute a man is always
(20:48):
is a lovely is a lovely moment to watch where there is a there
is a light bulb moment. There's a mind shift of I don't
have to perform even in conversation.
I don't have to start overthinking and thinking of the
next thing to say and I don't have to be funny and perform and
and and and show off about my wealth.
And I don't have to do any of those things.
(21:08):
I just have to listen with the intention of understanding.
And when I understand what she'ssaying to me, when I feedback
how I feel and I validate the things that I find attractive
about her and we spin off into amuch more emotional question
asking why she loves what she loves.
I'm intrigued. I'm curious about her.
(21:30):
When a man starts talking on that kind of level with a woman,
conversation flows beautifully. There's no awkwardness.
There's no and, and, and this leads straight into sex.
And actually, I had a conversation with a guy other
day. Guy saying the first
conversations you have with the women is actually verbal
foreplay. It it it's this is the beginning
(21:52):
of the physical foreplay becauseyou'd want to put her first.
You want to be intrigued by her.You want to make her feel safe
and secure and listen to and heard and valued.
And when a woman feels all of those things, she will start to
melt and she will start to bringher walls down and she'll start
to enjoy you and she'll start toflirt with you and you will feel
(22:15):
when the moment is right to start becoming physical with
her. But it's it starts with the
conversation. And this is what's so beautiful.
I do get to see men shift into that much more emotional present
conversation, and that's how this journey begins.
So I would say to men, start by listening and talking to a woman
(22:40):
in a way where you're trying to understand her and be curious
about her rather than perform and show off to her.
That's a really good advice. Thank you.
It's been a pleasure. I, I, I'm so passionate about
this. You probably, if you know me and
I think I just think men and women are confused at the moment
(23:01):
and we, we, we, we all need helpwith this.
I always think, you know, we don't get taught this.
It's something that we just haveto really, really, really reach
out and get helpful, but also look very hard at ourselves and
think what actually are we presenting the world with and do
we love ourselves enough? And as you said at the
(23:22):
beginning, if you don't love yourself, it's very, very
difficult for someone else to love you.
Very true. So Kerry, thank you for saying
what many people think. And I also would say that very
few dare to say out loud. I think you're speaking both for
the pain and the potential in how men and women actually
relate today. Yeah.
(23:43):
And I would say that if there's one take away from this
conversation, I would say it's confidence isn't about having
all the answers, but it's about being real, about being present
and curious. And as you said, asking
questions and finding out about the potential partner you have.
And I will also say then to dareto show up even when it's
(24:06):
actually uncomfortable and not run away in that sense.
Absolutely. So I would say to everyone
listening, I would say like whether you're dating, healing
or if you're in a long term relationship is to ask more
questions and be curious. And it's not about to win
someone, but how to, as you said, Carrie, meet them and be
(24:30):
meeting them for real, I would say, right.
Absolutely, Absolutely. So thank you so much.
Thank you. Pleasure having you here.
It's a pleasure.
Welcome back to 34, the podcast about intimacy, healing, and
human connection beyond performance.
Today's guest is someone who works right where modern love
often breaks down in the dating area.
Carrielle is AUK based dating coach who's worked with hundreds
of men and women around attraction, confidence and
(00:32):
connection. What makes Carrie's work stand
out is her honest, compassionateapproach.
She sees not just the outer dynamics of dating, but the
inner fears and emotional patterns that shape how people
relate. Carrie, thank you so much for
being here. Well, thank you.
What do you do? You want to add something more
(00:54):
about yourself? Oh, well, I think that was a
beautiful introduction. Thank you so much.
Well, I really appreciate your words.
I feel very passionately about men supporting men.
I work with so many beautiful men and they're really good men
and they need just a little bit of help in this area, something
that they struggle with. Really communicating with women
(01:18):
and understanding women and understanding women's needs and
also understanding what it is tobe masculine in the modern
world. And it's something that is very
confusing, a real challenge for men and and I feel privileged to
work with them. Beautiful.
So I mean, obviously you've beenyou've been working closely with
(01:42):
men in general and what do you feel are some of the biggest
insecurities you see in men in today's world, particularly when
it comes to dating and sex and and these things?
Yeah, Oh well, as I say, I see, I see a lot of very beautiful,
capable, intelligent men walkingaround really with with quiet
(02:03):
wounds. Often nobody else really sees
and no one's really ever asked them how they feel about
intimacy. Most of them have learnt about
dating and sex in a way that is performative.
It's about what to do and what to say and sort of how to
impress a woman and not, not howto be, not how to show how they
(02:30):
feel and and not how to show up as a man with presence.
And this is a word that comes upa lot is how to be present as a
man. So I, I mean, I see a lot of
insecurities #1 is probably a deep fear of rejection.
And it's not just romantically, but also actually being rejected
(02:53):
as a man. There's a lot of confusion about
how to express desire without, without being too much or, or
being creepy. And that's another word that
comes up a lot when I'm very worried about being creepy,
which, you know, has stemmed a lot from the Me Too era has done
a lot of damage. There's also a lack of
(03:15):
confidence around being emotionally, being able to
express yourself emotionally, and a lack of confidence in how
to lead intimacy. And, and women want leadership
where we want a leader, but men are confused about how to offer
that. And then just a fear that
(03:37):
they're not sexually adequate, they're not desirable.
I mean, there's a lot of a lot of very, very deep wounds there.
And it's, it's yeah, I, I feel, I know, I, I feel very, I feel
quite emotional talent talking about it, actually.
It's very difficult for men. Because what I see is a lot of
men are really confused today. Like you say, you're right and I
(03:58):
think a lot of them try to be like the nice guy, be very
respectful and even generous women.
Absolutely. At the same time, that doesn't
really spark attraction for for the women.
What do you what do you think that is?
I, I agree, I completely agree. I mean that, you know, they're
trying to be really good men, but they kind of lost a
(04:18):
connection with their erotic truth.
If, if that makes sense. There's that there's this sort
of they, they feel they've got to perform instead of actually
simply be who they are. I, I don't mean sort of passive
at all. I mean actually just being
really fully rooted in, in hitting who they are.
And when I, when I say truth, I mean they're sort of hiding
(04:42):
actually their real desires. You know, being nice isn't
actually being honest about whatthey really, really want.
Yeah. So what do you think most women
actually want from men? And this means both emotionally,
sexually and energetically from a from a man.
They women, we're very confusing, we're very difficult
(05:07):
to read. We, we want to feel like we're
being met but not fixed. We don't want to be managed.
We, we want to be actually met somewhere where you, the man's
not going to, he's not going to disappear.
He's not going to shut down. He's not going to try and solve
us like a, like a puzzle. We want to feel, as I say, your
(05:31):
presence sharing our world. We want to sexually, we want to
be desired, obviously, not just,you know, not just in
performance or we want to, we want to, as I say, really feel
your presence, feel your attention, feel an undiluted
(05:55):
you. And that's more erotic than any
performance or trick or or move or, you know, it's, it's yeah,
it's a real presence. We want to feel of you and we
want more. Sorry.
I have, I've heard that from a lot of women and also from from
guys that they are actually going very quickly into a fix
(06:16):
mode whenever there's a questionor a concern from a woman, even
in a relationship and the guy often just wants to fix it
basically, right. I think that's.
Yes. And I think that's what they're
confusing. But it's logical, isn't it?
It's a logical thing to do. And we are not logical
creatures. We're we're emotional creatures.
(06:36):
We're all about our feelings andwe're not about logic.
I think, and this is really where I feel like, you know,
what I've seen in, in the, in the interviews I've had with
women is really that they're looking for, they don't need a
man to fix them or hold or actually just financially
support them. Even in today's world.
They actually just want a man toemotionally hold them in one
(06:57):
way. Exactly.
It's beautifully said. Yeah, beautifully said.
It's we, we'd like direction sometimes we, we don't want to
be controlled. We we want a man who knows
himself and knows how to lead. But without you know, it's not,
it's not a forceful leadership. It's, it's, it's having a space
(07:19):
for both the fire and the sort of softness of femininity.
Being being able to be attuned and sexually present, really to,
to be able to accommodate all the things about femininity.
There's a lot to ask, but but being in the moment is, is so
vital. I think it's vital in everything
(07:40):
in life, but I think in in intimacy it's so vital to be
absolutely in the moment. So, so there's a lot of talk
today about both masculine and feminine energy, emotional
safety. And you know, everybody's
talking to us about the alpha behaviour, if you will, from a
male. Yeah.
What are your thoughts on all ofthat, if you would?
(08:02):
Well, again, I think it's a fascinating conversation because
in the modern world the dynamicshave been changing quite a lot.
Women are sometimes slipping into their masculine energy too
much and men are left not knowing where their masculinity
is. So we've lost a bit of nuance
(08:22):
with this. It I mean, for me, I think true
masculine energy is not about that sort of chest beating alpha
male dominant man. That's not, that's not for me
what true masculinity is that it's more about stability, sort
of a depth of direction and, and, and, and actual
(08:44):
responsibility, not not posturing and not, you know,
showing off, not just being a solid calm, a man who knows
himself is, is, is the strongestway to be masculine.
And the feminine energy, I thinkis often misunderstood as sort
of more of a weakness. A lot of women feel it's a
(09:05):
weakness or it's a chaos. But feminine energy to me is, is
a life force in there. We're, we're emotional radiant
in our femininity when we're really in it and, and actually
very powerful in in that feminine energy.
And I wish more than anything that we could start to enjoy
(09:27):
each other's space and allow each other to be in that in that
role. Because when a man is really,
really present and solid and treat himself, and a woman is
able to be, all those feminine qualities are so beautiful.
The two working heartily, beautifully.
That's how we've been designed. It's a beautiful way to put it.
(09:52):
So in your experience though, what actually makes a woman feel
really safe and also then turnedon at the same time?
This is this is really importantactually, because safety and
feeling turn on are actually notopposites.
They're actually requirements ofeach other.
They're they're actually essential.
(10:13):
I mean, I think that women can'treally fully open up sexually if
she doesn't trust you emotionally and it doesn't
safety. When I say safety, I don't think
of it as a bland word. It's actually very powerful.
It's it's depth and it's certainty.
(10:33):
And So what makes a woman feel safe and turned on is when you
can, when you can stay with her through emotional intensity,
when you don't flinch and don't shut down and you can bring your
own desire without any neediness.
And we can as a man, you can setyour boundaries in a quite a
(10:56):
grounded way. Not, you're not controlling her,
but you honour your own boundaries as a man.
She knows where she is with you.And you know, your body
language, your tone, your attention, everything is really
attuned to her. I hope that makes sense.
I yeah, there's a, there's a lotof confusion.
(11:19):
I think sometimes that things that are weak or, or, you know,
we, we, we, I think, I think we look at some of these words and
think, you know, that safety doesn't sound like a very sexy
word, but it is actually essential to make a woman feel
safe. And I'd say that she can really,
really open up with you. Yeah.
(11:40):
I mean, because I, what I've seen with a lot of guys and also
hearing from a lot of these women is that as you mentioned
here in the beginning, that it'smuch more about this performance
culture in one way that a guy needs to.
Yeah. In time, they also get a lot of
influences from pornography today and, and I think that's
sort of where a lot of their mind is AT, if you will, and.
(12:01):
Then it becomes. Much more performance about what
it looks like in a in a movie, for example.
Right. Yeah.
Exactly. Well, it looks it's visually you
want you want that for a movie. But but actually reality is very
different, isn't it? Very different.
Yeah, I think, I think it's, I think the whole word
performance, you know, I stop trying, stop trying to perform
(12:25):
to, to act confident because a real confidence isn't a
performance. It's, it's a very natural kind
of byproduct of all the other alignments.
It's you, you become really grounded when you actually
really, really know your values and you really do live by them
(12:46):
when you know you. Yeah.
You know, it's, it's, it's, it'snot something that it's quite
difficult to describe really, isn't it?
Because you only really understand this when you really
do start to know yourself this deeply and, and when you really
follow through what you say and your words and your actions up
completely In Sync with each other because you have a respect
(13:07):
for yourself. And I think a lot of the guys I
coach have actually lost a little bit of respect for
themselves because they're so confused and they want to do the
right thing and they want to saythe right thing and they want to
be nice and they want to be sexual and wants.
So they're not actually respecting their own values.
(13:29):
So yeah. I can see that, and I think a
lot of guys might be thinking about becoming more controlling
or performative in that sense instead of being that grounded,
confident male that eats right, Yeah.
Absolutely. But women don't want a man to
pretend to be confident. We can see through it.
You know, they, they want a man who knows who he is.
(13:52):
And even when she challenges him, you know, especially
actually when she challenges himand, and they're saying the
other way around. I mean, it's not about
controlling each other. It's, it's actually, it's always
about mastering yourself 1st. And once you master yourself,
you can be, you can be really present and confident.
(14:14):
Yeah, yeah, I. Think self love if you will, I
think is a critical thing because any other type of Love
Actually will fall unless you love yourself.
It's so true, isn't it? We have these, you know, we say
these things and, and they are, they are, they mean a huge
amount. How can anyone love you if you
don't love yourself? You know, that's that's a
(14:34):
difficult one. Very much so.
Do you believe we're seeing a general, a generational crisis
in intimacy in general, particularly then with men being
emotionally lost or even shut down at times?
Yes, I'm actually, I'm very, very sad to say I do.
I, I, I mean, I think that's whyI do what I do because I feel
(14:56):
there is a crisis and I, and I, and I say this with a lot of
love and compassion because I really, really think that men
are carrying really big emotional burdens.
They've never had space to really name these burdens.
They've not even had time to understand how to heal them.
(15:17):
They've been taught, you know, from a very young age to be
providers and protectors, achievers, but not feelers, not
lovers, not soulful, you know, soulful men who are allowed to
be held and allowed to cry and allowed to rest.
(15:37):
And I, you know, it makes me feel emotional again because I
have a son who is embarking and,you know, his teenage years.
And I'm looking at the men I seeof all age groups from all
different directions in life. And I, I see men who really want
intimacy, but they're terrified of, of losing themselves in it.
(15:58):
They, they want sex, but they're, they're actually
disconnected from their own bodies.
But we're living in a time really where men are very, very
confused and it's not easy. It's very, it's very, very
difficult for them to work out what women really want.
So what? What advice would you give to
(16:20):
men in general then, who really want to reconnect with their
sexual energy, not as performance as we talked about,
but truly as presence? Slow down, slow down and start
with your own body. Just I I would say most men have
(16:42):
have learned to as we say, sex is a performance, but just slow
it all down, last much longer. Make her orgasm 1st and and and
you know you know that mindset can disconnect you from your own
kind of erotic core and because sexual energy is about feeling
(17:08):
about aliveness, breathing, connection, it it just isn't
about the end goal. It's it really is the journey.
It really is being present, justdropping your breath during end
of sea and really, really feeling.
Yeah, that's what I kind of wantit on his helmet, if you.
(17:31):
Actually say slow down, because I think that's something I've
been hearing from a lot of womenin general, is that they really
want guys to take it easier, slow down and focus on them a
lot more. Absolutely.
And, and I think that takes so much pressure off then it's,
it's, it's really, it's very highly pressured, a man
(17:53):
performing, trying to be the best you can be.
When you start, when you stop chasing a reaction and you
actually start really kind of cultivating your, your own
erotic presence, your, your, I think your entire sexual energy
changes when you, when you, whenyou, when you stop trying to do
(18:16):
something that's this end goal and you and you just remain
right at the moment. And women feel it instantly.
I, I, I have men who said when they have started to discover
this, when they've actually understood what being present in
that intimate moment means, women have actually said, you
are different. I love your presence.
(18:38):
I love the fact that you're so fully, fully present with me.
And I think that's probably one of the most beautiful
compliments a woman can give a man.
Agree on. That, yeah, but so how how do
you feel about a man being authentic with with a woman?
I think that really is some a word that for me, sort of.
Yeah, the whole thing. Grounded and being present.
(19:01):
Yeah, it it is. It's it's someone who's almost
magnetic, doesn't need someone else to complete him.
He's he's fully, he's fully himself.
He's also another thing is to, to learn how to express all of
his feelings, even his anger, you know, really cleanly, not
(19:23):
violently, not in fear to be able to find his own voice about
what he feels and needs and, andreconnecting with his
sensuality. Because after, after years is
there's a sort of numbness that a lot of men seem to feel, which
is they just don't have a feeling of, of what sex is.
And, and once they realise actually, it isn't just about
(19:45):
the performance and it's about being fully alive.
I think it's a really beautiful shift where a man stops trying
to be a version of the man that the world told him to be and he
actually becomes himself, You know, in fully, fully flawed,
powerful, present, unapologetic.This is who I am.
(20:07):
I'm doing the best I can do. Having the best version of
myself and that's I mean, that'strue of men and women.
You've got to be the best version of yourself and.
And that's how women will love you when you when.
You think about the men you've been coaching.
What are some of the beauty, some of the most beautiful
(20:27):
shifts you've seen in men that you've been talking to?
Is it really around being much more present and being?
It really isn't. And this, this is just on the on
the the approaching women's side.
This is not not in the bedroom. It's more actually just how
women are communicating with when men and women are
communicating together. And the minute a man is always
(20:48):
is a lovely is a lovely moment to watch where there is a there
is a light bulb moment. There's a mind shift of I don't
have to perform even in conversation.
I don't have to start overthinking and thinking of the
next thing to say and I don't have to be funny and perform and
and and and show off about my wealth.
And I don't have to do any of those things.
(21:08):
I just have to listen with the intention of understanding.
And when I understand what she'ssaying to me, when I feedback
how I feel and I validate the things that I find attractive
about her and we spin off into amuch more emotional question
asking why she loves what she loves.
I'm intrigued. I'm curious about her.
(21:30):
When a man starts talking on that kind of level with a woman,
conversation flows beautifully. There's no awkwardness.
There's no and, and, and this leads straight into sex.
And actually, I had a conversation with a guy other
day. Guy saying the first
conversations you have with the women is actually verbal
foreplay. It it it's this is the beginning
(21:52):
of the physical foreplay becauseyou'd want to put her first.
You want to be intrigued by her.You want to make her feel safe
and secure and listen to and heard and valued.
And when a woman feels all of those things, she will start to
melt and she will start to bringher walls down and she'll start
to enjoy you and she'll start toflirt with you and you will feel
(22:15):
when the moment is right to start becoming physical with
her. But it's it starts with the
conversation. And this is what's so beautiful.
I do get to see men shift into that much more emotional present
conversation, and that's how this journey begins.
So I would say to men, start by listening and talking to a woman
(22:40):
in a way where you're trying to understand her and be curious
about her rather than perform and show off to her.
That's a really good advice. Thank you.
It's been a pleasure. I, I, I'm so passionate about
this. You probably, if you know me and
I think I just think men and women are confused at the moment
(23:01):
and we, we, we, we all need helpwith this.
I always think, you know, we don't get taught this.
It's something that we just haveto really, really, really reach
out and get helpful, but also look very hard at ourselves and
think what actually are we presenting the world with and do
we love ourselves enough? And as you said at the
(23:22):
beginning, if you don't love yourself, it's very, very
difficult for someone else to love you.
Very true. So Kerry, thank you for saying
what many people think. And I also would say that very
few dare to say out loud. I think you're speaking both for
the pain and the potential in how men and women actually
relate today. Yeah.
(23:43):
And I would say that if there's one take away from this
conversation, I would say it's confidence isn't about having
all the answers, but it's about being real, about being present
and curious. And as you said, asking
questions and finding out about the potential partner you have.
And I will also say then to dareto show up even when it's
(24:06):
actually uncomfortable and not run away in that sense.
Absolutely. So I would say to everyone
listening, I would say like whether you're dating, healing
or if you're in a long term relationship is to ask more
questions and be curious. And it's not about to win
someone, but how to, as you said, Carrie, meet them and be
(24:30):
meeting them for real, I would say, right.
Absolutely, Absolutely. So thank you so much.
Thank you. Pleasure having you here.
It's a pleasure.
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