September 1, 2025 • 31 mins
In this episode of 34o Podcast, Henrik reflects on how intimacy often gets lost in performance – doing what we think we “should” instead of being fully present. He explores what happens when we shift from performance to true presence, and why slowing down changes everything.
This time, the reflection also opens into a session with Mor Shavit, a mindbody coach, who brings her perspective on how presence and safety are lived and felt in the body. Together, they explore how men and women can meet beyond performance, and how true intimacy begins when we dare to stay.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:10):
Welcome back to 34, the space where we explore intimacy,
presence, and what it truly means to love.
I've spent a lot of years talking with men and being a man
myself, I know how we think. We carry questions we don't
always voice. The truth is, men don't usually
(00:35):
sit down with each other and openly talk about sex or
intimacy. We circle around it.
We keep it in our heads, and many of us never feel truly
comfortable to ask or share whatwe really wonder about.
Yes, there are men who are confident and skilled, but most
(00:57):
of the men feel very unsure. They feel pressure to perform,
who secretly fear that they're not enough.
And unless something changes, that silence keeps a lot of men
stuck. That's why I believe something
deeper needs to develop a way for us as men to feel safe, to
(01:22):
open up, and to shift from performance into presence.
And we've. Heard both Britta and Carrie
talking about these things. So often men ask, how do I make
her come? We search for manuals,
techniques, hidden secrets in magazines or on the Internet.
(01:48):
But the truth is there is no universal formula.
Every woman carries her own story, her own central code, if
you will. Some call it a blueprint,
patterns shaped by early experiences, ways her body first
discovered pleasure. But here's the thing.
(02:11):
That blueprint is not fixed. It's not a lock you have to
break open. It's alive.
It shifts, it grows. And if you're willing to meet
her with presents, and there might be certain points that
indeed are in the area of most women, there might be a Bush or
(02:31):
a well somewhere hidden in a slightly different place.
But they're there from performance to presence.
When sex becomes about performance, it becomes about
goals. Did she orgasm?
(02:53):
Did I last long enough? Did I perform well enough?
Did we succeed? And with that mindset, intimacy
turns into a scorecard. But intimacy is not a race, and
orgasm is not the finish line. The real magic begins when you
(03:16):
let go of the pressure. When you stop trying to achieve
something and start allowing yourself to be with her.
When you slow down, when you listen not just with your ears
but with your whole body. When you dare to feel with her
(03:37):
instead of just doing things to her.
That's when presence replaces performance.
And in those moments, something shifts.
The blueprint dissolves. It's no longer about repeating
what were yesterday or shaking off some list of techniques.
(03:58):
It's about discovering together what is true right now, in this
touch, in this breath, in this moment between you. 2 Because
presence makes intimacy alive. It makes it unpredictable and it
makes it real. True masculinity.
(04:28):
So what does it mean to hold space?
It's not just a spiritual buzzword.
It's practical. It's physical.
It's emotional. To hold space is to be the
ground she can lean into. That means sometimes you
(04:49):
literally hold her in your arms.Not to silence her, not to make
it better, but simply to let hercry, shake, or release.
Sometimes you sit beside her in silence so she feels she's not
alone. Sometimes you wrap her in a deep
(05:10):
embrace, breathing slowly, letting her nervous system
regulate with the worse. And above all, you stay.
This is where so many men get itwrong.
They think masculinity is dominance, being the alpha
(05:32):
showing power. But that's just insecurity
dressed up as strength. The so-called alpha male is
often just a boy trying to provehimself loud, controlling,
always chasing approval. True masculinity is the exact
opposite. As Kerry said so beautifully,
(05:55):
true masculinity is about stability and responsibility,
not performance. A real man doesn't need to flex
or posture or pretend. He doesn't need to be louder,
stronger or tougher to be respected.
His strength comes from presence, from being safe in
(06:19):
himself, from knowing he can hold a woman, not by controlling
her, but by being with her, fully, calmly, steadily.
Holding space is your stability.It's being the grounded tree
while the storm moves through. Not resisting the storm, not
(06:42):
controlling it, Just being there, rooted and unshakable.
In practise, it looks like this.Listening without interrupting,
even when you fully don't understand.
Regulating your own nervous system.
(07:02):
If she raises her voice, you stay calm.
If she cries, you breathe slow so she can mirror your calm.
Welcoming her truth. If she says I feel scared, I
feel ugly, I feel too much. The answer isn't to fix or deny.
(07:24):
It's simply to say I hear you. I'm here giving permission.
Sometimes all she need is it's OK, take your time.
You don't have to be anything but yourself with me sexually
Holding Spain's means you don't rush her body.
(07:46):
You let her pace set the rhythm.If she drifts away, you gently
call her back with touch, breathfor words.
You stay present instead of disappearing into performance
anxiety. And here's the secret.
When a woman feels truly safe and she knows she won't be
(08:09):
judged or abandoned no matter what comes up, that's when she
dares to surrender, and that's when intimacy becomes alive.
True masculinity is not about proving yourself, it's about
being the one she can lean into.Not because you are perfect, but
(08:33):
because you choose to stay from performance to presence.
Practical invitations. So how do you shift from
performance to presence? It doesn't.
(08:53):
Start with technique, starts with attention.
Breathe together before touching.
Just sit close, feel her breath,match it for a moment, then let
your breathing slow. Already you're sinking your
(09:13):
nervous systems. Already you're creating safety
touch with curiosity, not expectation.
Instead of rushing to the main event, place your hands
somewhere simple. Her arm.
Her back, her cheek. Ask yourself silently, What do I
(09:38):
feel here? What does she feel?
That the touch grows slowly, without agenda play with tempo.
Presence often reels itself. In contrast, try pausing
completely in the middle of a moment.
Stillness can be as intimate as motion.
(10:02):
Notice how the pause deepens sensation, how it invites her
into her body and you into yours.
Listen with your whole body. Presence is not only about
words. It's how she arcs, how she
exhales, how her energy shifts. And when you pay attention, her
(10:27):
body tells you more than her voice ever could.
Make room for the unexpected. If something feels good, stay
with it. If something feels off, shift.
Don't clinge to yesterday's success.
(10:47):
Discover what today asks of you both.
And here's the paradox. When orgasm stops being the
goal, it often arrives more powerfully.
But by then. It's not about the climax, it's
about the journey you both have created together.
(11:14):
Welcome Moore Moore Shabid is a mind body coach, mentor and a.
Subconscious expert A. Guiding emotional integration
and a woman with a unique sensitivity to the silent forces
that shapes us, especially in our relationships as men and
women. She brings warmth, clarity and a
deep understanding of the shame we carry, often without even
(11:35):
realising it, especially when itcomes to desire, closeness and
our bodies more welcome. I'm so grateful to have you
here. Hey Henrik, thank you for having
me. I'm super grateful and excited
to be here today. Yes, and you've been listening
to decoding the woman from performance depressants and I
(11:57):
thought we just dive straight into the questions to get your.
Point of view. On that, and I know that you've
said the alpha male syndrome often comes from an inner child
seeking validation. So how do you see this dynamic
cling out in in relationships today?
So what I often call or we oftencall the alpha male is usually a
(12:18):
little boy inside who learned back in the days when he was
quite small, maybe four or five,that love had to be earned
through performance, That love is conditioned and so in order
for receive it, he needs to achieve something dominant or
control. So on the outside it may look
(12:40):
like a man that is super confident in himself, but in the
inside we have a four or five year old boy who is fear of
being worthy is what's driving him.
And so he needs to prove something to someone often to
the woman in the relationship. So in the dynamic of the
relationship, it can look like aman showing up and struggle to
(13:04):
truly receive love without condition.
He can seek for admiration but really find it hard to be
vulnerable and even resist it. Women often in this kind of
dynamic will be women that feel unseen and feel that they need
(13:27):
to really squeeze or suppress themselves in order to keep the
peace. From a subconscious perspective,
this pattern is about safety. The equation is like that if I
control, I won't be abandoned. And so it's safe to be like
that. That when that wound is healed,
(13:54):
this is where we can bring intimacy.
Because if the man learned that his love, no matter what, that
it's unconditioned, that he can bring himself fully as he is and
be present with himself, then intimacy lives there and that
can shift the entire relationship.
(14:15):
That's very interesting. Thank you so much more.
You're welcome. And how do you feel then around?
Presence and slowing. Down.
I've heard that in quite a few of the the episodes I've had
here earlier and we see that quite often being the heart of
intimacy. Why do you think so many people
struggle with this and what changes does people need to do
(14:36):
in order to achieve it? So as you said that you could
see immediately and maybe unconsciously, I took like a
deep breath myself because just saying that is changing the
frequency and even trying here in this episode and in this
conversation to be present and slow down.
If I look outside the window or I look anywhere around us, we
(15:00):
live in a culture that is the opposite of present and slowing
down. Yeah, everything happening speed
in really big speed. There is distraction everywhere.
Social media, which is another topic and and the way we
communicate is different today. It's less in connection and less
(15:22):
in present and more in a virtualspace, right.
So that force per SE, as as the setting is the opposite of
present and slowing down. Now for a lot of us, learning to
live in that constant dynamic and energy flow has taught our
(15:46):
nerve system that this is normal.
And so actually slowing down canfeel like something unsafe.
Because it's unusual. Yeah, because it's unusual.
And also, if you think about it,what happens when we are not
distracted and we are not on to go when we stop and slow what
(16:07):
happened first? Well, we have to start feeling
in what way as well, right? Yeah.
And what it is that we will feelfirst after like really sitting
and landing. What will come up?
Thinking there might be a fear coming up.
Yeah, all the feelings that we have been working subconsciously
(16:29):
so hard to avoid sometimes a lifetime by being distracted and
super fast and do, do, do achieve, achieve, achieve,
create, create, create. Yeah.
So they will come into the surface.
And therefore that for itself isa very unsettling and a lot of
us doesn't know, don't know and haven't been taught what to do
(16:51):
with emotions that are hard to feel.
Yeah, it's a very interesting element there when also this
thing about being present. Being in the now is.
Because in you can always look at it that you know the past is
just a memory and the the futuremight be a desire.
(17:12):
And then if you just think aboutthat, you're actually not in the
present and it's very. Hard for people to be right here
right now. Exactly.
And the mind, which is as a subconscious expert and and mind
body, which is basically the wayof human being, how we are being
as a human being, as a species. So our mind is designed to be in
(17:34):
that space in the past, avoidingthe past, not repeating the past
and predicting the future and worrying about the future, which
on both, if you think about it, we don't have control.
Yeah, we only control of what's happening in the in the present
moment. So, so this is the paradox.
(17:56):
We are in this loop of fast and distraction and not slowing down
and creating intimacy from that space.
So in relationship it can look like rushed into intimacy.
Let's get to know each other very fast.
Let's go to bed. Let's go to the second date,
third date, 4th date. Deep, fast, quick.
(18:17):
It doesn't work. Let's change whereas and that
actually just creating the wounds that we each carry even
deeper, Yeah, because we are never showing up as our true
authentic self because we are not even showing up for our self
when we slow down. Yeah.
And how can you love fully in that case?
(18:38):
Exactly. Love doesn't exist there.
So this is the paradox. Because when we truly do slow
down and allowing ourselves thisfirst initiate fear and
uncomfortableness and this and this is an unknown terrain,
yeah, This is why it's still uncomfortable.
But when we allow ourselves to be brave enough to be in that
(19:01):
space, firstly with ourselves, then to invite someone else to
share this space with us, then the magic happen.
And this is where truly intimacylive.
And that's such a beautiful way to put it.
More so, I really like the way that you're doing it.
(19:22):
You. OK, so I have one more question
for you here on on this episode here so many women, particularly
women, but also men, but in thiscase, women perform pleasure
instead of receiving. So how do you?
Think men can? Create.
More. Safety and also patience for.
Her to actually. Open up.
(19:42):
This is a really a really good, good question.
And I want to cycle back to the first question you asked me
about the alpha male. So basically, this is a very
similar way that the girls are learning.
So if the alpha male is the little boy who learns something
about love and how he needs to be in order to receive love,
(20:05):
this is exactly the little girl who learn who she needs to be in
order to be worthy of love. Yeah.
So. As a as a woman, as a girl, I've
learnt me and many other women that in order to be worthy of
love I need to minimise myself, to be small, to be quiet, that
(20:31):
my needs matter. 2nd and when itcomes into relationship with men
and women or romantic relationship, it came with some
kind of code of make sure that he's happy.
And when that comes into sexual relationship and into the
bedroom, it's this learning is adouble hazard because one, my
(20:55):
desire and my needs are less important than his meaning what
I need in order to feel comfortable, safe, seen orgasmic
pleasure is less important is not first, is not priority.
And two, let's make sure that he's happy.
(21:17):
So whatever happy, it's in my vision.
But in most scenarios is what wesee from Pern porn or learning a
very wrong ways that he needs tocome.
And so I I need to fake that I'min pleasure in order for him to
feel comfortable in his macho and in his masculine and in his
(21:39):
manhood and in his alpha. Yeah.
It's an, I think. I think we see this repeating
itself over and over again. Yeah, from generation to
generation as well. Yeah.
Yeah, and it's a very vicious cycle because he is not.
And both both are in pain. Both are equally in pain.
Yeah, he's coming and performingsomething in order to be worthy
(22:03):
of love. And she's arriving and
performing something in order tobe worthy of love and
connection. So instead of receiving and
feeling and being and Co creating we have to performing.
Yeah. And then you're, yes, you can
achieve some pleasure, I guess, but it's not that sweet tender
(22:26):
pressure pleasure. You can actually.
Achieve when you're. Really meeting each other and
being there with each other right in.
Yes, yes. And I think I've spoken with a
lot of women and a lot of men aswell about feeling pleasure, but
also the feeling the day after the pleasure and what stays from
it. If the pleasure was physical
(22:47):
only or this was ecstatic feeling of wholeness, oneness
and unity, which is what you want to feel in intimacy.
Yeah, and I think a lot of people like in the case here
with the previous episode we hadwith Susana, she gave.
Her body very. Easily for example, and that's a
way. It's just an example where yeah,
(23:09):
when you're in that mode it you sometimes most feel more empty
afterwards than fulfilled. Yeah, yeah.
And you ask a beautiful questionabout how can men create the
safety and patient for the feminine to actually open up.
And before I will, I will dive into answering that.
I just want to say something before it.
(23:29):
I think it's super important is working together and healing
together. Is is is beautiful and it's for
me, in my opinion, it's super healing.
It's this most pure and high healing space that two people
can do together. However, in order for that to be
(23:53):
available, each person in the dynamic, whether it's a man or a
woman, two women, two men, it doesn't matter in a romantic
dynamic, needs to have the responsibility each human being
to work on their wounds by themselves first.
Like a ground level to start from.
A ground level, then as a coupleyou will reach deeper levels of
(24:18):
healing that you will never be able to do by yourself because
it is limiting. When I'm only healing within my
own self but arriving to a relationship to a dynamic and a
romantic dynamic. That the entire topic of a
romantic dynamic is love and love itself is usually the
trigger, is where I felt unsafe and arriving there already with
(24:42):
awareness and some kind of levelof healing on my own wounds.
Allowing me to 1st be present and bring my true self and not
my survival mechanism into the dynamic.
And also allowing me to speak and communicate to my partner
(25:05):
what it is that I need that may look different from one person
to another in order to keep the space safe for both of them.
That's a it's a beautiful way you're putting it there.
And I think the what I, what I also see in today's society is
there's, for example, a lot of women, even men, but
(25:27):
particularly women who say I need to fulfil myself and heal
myself. And work with myself.
And they're on this path of actually.
Creating more. Walls around their hearts,
basically. Yeah.
It's really important what you're saying, Yeah.
Closes them down and also then limits.
Actually, what true Love Is All.About right?
(25:47):
Yeah, it is actually. And and and and, as I said
before, like we can only reach the deepest, deepest level
inside of us and our wounds withthe help of someone holding a
mirror to us. Exactly.
(26:10):
And that is only in long term relationship can happen.
Yeah, because that's where you get the most triggered for sure.
If you've been there, you know it.
If you are there concurrently, you know it.
But the beauty of it, if we willlook at it as the space, the
(26:31):
playground for it, as the invitation for that, I think
that will help many couples in the minefield.
I'm. Consciously aware about what
you're doing in there, that you are going to get triggered about
knowing how, and you can sit with that feeling when you get
triggered and talk about it, articulate it without reacting
(26:53):
on it. Like.
You normally do. That's when you can create
beauty. Yes.
So cycling back to your to your question of how a man can create
that safety. So being being present and
practising present and patient himself, first of all, in that
(27:13):
terrain of presence himself. And then for her, which will
look like often like meeting herwhere she's at today without any
agenda touching, without a goal,ask from a really space of
(27:36):
curiosity about her, about her day, about where she's at, about
how she feels, allowing, allowing the the, the the tempo
that might be different than his.
And really to be in humble humbleness state of I cannot fix
(27:59):
this. I cannot fix anything, I can
just be as a support. What do you need from me?
Yeah. That's this is where I know I
mean me myself having been in a long term relationship for a
long time and I know that tryingto fix something, modus operandi
(28:21):
if you will, that myself and a lot of other men have played.
Yeah, yeah, cycling back to the to the alpha male and the
learning that you learn as as a gender from a young age is to
fix. Men are fixing and this is how
they learned a equal worth. If you can fix it, you are
(28:42):
worthy. If well, you're worthy.
If you achieve that, you're worthy.
But I, I think that from both sides, when the man can be in
presence and the woman can communicate her needs, and that
is happening over a steady time and consistently, it allowed
(29:08):
both of them to arrive to open up, to know that this is safe no
matter what. And that is where, yeah, this is
where performing will change into presence and love will
strive. Yeah.
That's where magic happens. Yeah, exactly.
(29:31):
Great. Thank you so much more.
Thank you so much for inviting me to speak about topics that I
love to speak about. And yeah, have a wonderful day.
Thank you. So here's the invitation.
What if you stop trying to make her come and instead choose to
(29:55):
meet her not as a project, not as a performance, that as a
living being here and now? What if intimacy becomes less
about chasing the finish line and more about discovering the
path together? What if your strength was not in
(30:17):
how much you can do, but in how deeply you can stay through
silence, through tears, through laughter, through touch?
Because when performance drops, intimacy becomes healing, safety
becomes erotic, and pleasure, pleasure becomes infinite.
(30:43):
Have you ever felt the difference between performance
and presence in intimacy? Please Share your story in the
comments or vote in the poll. If this resonated with you, like
and share it so more people can join this conversation.
In the next episode, I'll be talking about fear of
(31:03):
relationships and the importanceof choosing love over fear.
Welcome back to 34, the space where we explore intimacy,
presence, and what it truly means to love.
I've spent a lot of years talking with men and being a man
myself, I know how we think. We carry questions we don't
always voice. The truth is, men don't usually
(00:35):
sit down with each other and openly talk about sex or
intimacy. We circle around it.
We keep it in our heads, and many of us never feel truly
comfortable to ask or share whatwe really wonder about.
Yes, there are men who are confident and skilled, but most
(00:57):
of the men feel very unsure. They feel pressure to perform,
who secretly fear that they're not enough.
And unless something changes, that silence keeps a lot of men
stuck. That's why I believe something
deeper needs to develop a way for us as men to feel safe, to
(01:22):
open up, and to shift from performance into presence.
And we've. Heard both Britta and Carrie
talking about these things. So often men ask, how do I make
her come? We search for manuals,
techniques, hidden secrets in magazines or on the Internet.
(01:48):
But the truth is there is no universal formula.
Every woman carries her own story, her own central code, if
you will. Some call it a blueprint,
patterns shaped by early experiences, ways her body first
discovered pleasure. But here's the thing.
(02:11):
That blueprint is not fixed. It's not a lock you have to
break open. It's alive.
It shifts, it grows. And if you're willing to meet
her with presents, and there might be certain points that
indeed are in the area of most women, there might be a Bush or
(02:31):
a well somewhere hidden in a slightly different place.
But they're there from performance to presence.
When sex becomes about performance, it becomes about
goals. Did she orgasm?
(02:53):
Did I last long enough? Did I perform well enough?
Did we succeed? And with that mindset, intimacy
turns into a scorecard. But intimacy is not a race, and
orgasm is not the finish line. The real magic begins when you
(03:16):
let go of the pressure. When you stop trying to achieve
something and start allowing yourself to be with her.
When you slow down, when you listen not just with your ears
but with your whole body. When you dare to feel with her
(03:37):
instead of just doing things to her.
That's when presence replaces performance.
And in those moments, something shifts.
The blueprint dissolves. It's no longer about repeating
what were yesterday or shaking off some list of techniques.
(03:58):
It's about discovering together what is true right now, in this
touch, in this breath, in this moment between you. 2 Because
presence makes intimacy alive. It makes it unpredictable and it
makes it real. True masculinity.
(04:28):
So what does it mean to hold space?
It's not just a spiritual buzzword.
It's practical. It's physical.
It's emotional. To hold space is to be the
ground she can lean into. That means sometimes you
(04:49):
literally hold her in your arms.Not to silence her, not to make
it better, but simply to let hercry, shake, or release.
Sometimes you sit beside her in silence so she feels she's not
alone. Sometimes you wrap her in a deep
(05:10):
embrace, breathing slowly, letting her nervous system
regulate with the worse. And above all, you stay.
This is where so many men get itwrong.
They think masculinity is dominance, being the alpha
(05:32):
showing power. But that's just insecurity
dressed up as strength. The so-called alpha male is
often just a boy trying to provehimself loud, controlling,
always chasing approval. True masculinity is the exact
opposite. As Kerry said so beautifully,
(05:55):
true masculinity is about stability and responsibility,
not performance. A real man doesn't need to flex
or posture or pretend. He doesn't need to be louder,
stronger or tougher to be respected.
His strength comes from presence, from being safe in
(06:19):
himself, from knowing he can hold a woman, not by controlling
her, but by being with her, fully, calmly, steadily.
Holding space is your stability.It's being the grounded tree
while the storm moves through. Not resisting the storm, not
(06:42):
controlling it, Just being there, rooted and unshakable.
In practise, it looks like this.Listening without interrupting,
even when you fully don't understand.
Regulating your own nervous system.
(07:02):
If she raises her voice, you stay calm.
If she cries, you breathe slow so she can mirror your calm.
Welcoming her truth. If she says I feel scared, I
feel ugly, I feel too much. The answer isn't to fix or deny.
(07:24):
It's simply to say I hear you. I'm here giving permission.
Sometimes all she need is it's OK, take your time.
You don't have to be anything but yourself with me sexually
Holding Spain's means you don't rush her body.
(07:46):
You let her pace set the rhythm.If she drifts away, you gently
call her back with touch, breathfor words.
You stay present instead of disappearing into performance
anxiety. And here's the secret.
When a woman feels truly safe and she knows she won't be
(08:09):
judged or abandoned no matter what comes up, that's when she
dares to surrender, and that's when intimacy becomes alive.
True masculinity is not about proving yourself, it's about
being the one she can lean into.Not because you are perfect, but
(08:33):
because you choose to stay from performance to presence.
Practical invitations. So how do you shift from
performance to presence? It doesn't.
(08:53):
Start with technique, starts with attention.
Breathe together before touching.
Just sit close, feel her breath,match it for a moment, then let
your breathing slow. Already you're sinking your
(09:13):
nervous systems. Already you're creating safety
touch with curiosity, not expectation.
Instead of rushing to the main event, place your hands
somewhere simple. Her arm.
Her back, her cheek. Ask yourself silently, What do I
(09:38):
feel here? What does she feel?
That the touch grows slowly, without agenda play with tempo.
Presence often reels itself. In contrast, try pausing
completely in the middle of a moment.
Stillness can be as intimate as motion.
(10:02):
Notice how the pause deepens sensation, how it invites her
into her body and you into yours.
Listen with your whole body. Presence is not only about
words. It's how she arcs, how she
exhales, how her energy shifts. And when you pay attention, her
(10:27):
body tells you more than her voice ever could.
Make room for the unexpected. If something feels good, stay
with it. If something feels off, shift.
Don't clinge to yesterday's success.
(10:47):
Discover what today asks of you both.
And here's the paradox. When orgasm stops being the
goal, it often arrives more powerfully.
But by then. It's not about the climax, it's
about the journey you both have created together.
(11:14):
Welcome Moore Moore Shabid is a mind body coach, mentor and a.
Subconscious expert A. Guiding emotional integration
and a woman with a unique sensitivity to the silent forces
that shapes us, especially in our relationships as men and
women. She brings warmth, clarity and a
deep understanding of the shame we carry, often without even
(11:35):
realising it, especially when itcomes to desire, closeness and
our bodies more welcome. I'm so grateful to have you
here. Hey Henrik, thank you for having
me. I'm super grateful and excited
to be here today. Yes, and you've been listening
to decoding the woman from performance depressants and I
(11:57):
thought we just dive straight into the questions to get your.
Point of view. On that, and I know that you've
said the alpha male syndrome often comes from an inner child
seeking validation. So how do you see this dynamic
cling out in in relationships today?
So what I often call or we oftencall the alpha male is usually a
(12:18):
little boy inside who learned back in the days when he was
quite small, maybe four or five,that love had to be earned
through performance, That love is conditioned and so in order
for receive it, he needs to achieve something dominant or
control. So on the outside it may look
(12:40):
like a man that is super confident in himself, but in the
inside we have a four or five year old boy who is fear of
being worthy is what's driving him.
And so he needs to prove something to someone often to
the woman in the relationship. So in the dynamic of the
relationship, it can look like aman showing up and struggle to
(13:04):
truly receive love without condition.
He can seek for admiration but really find it hard to be
vulnerable and even resist it. Women often in this kind of
dynamic will be women that feel unseen and feel that they need
(13:27):
to really squeeze or suppress themselves in order to keep the
peace. From a subconscious perspective,
this pattern is about safety. The equation is like that if I
control, I won't be abandoned. And so it's safe to be like
that. That when that wound is healed,
(13:54):
this is where we can bring intimacy.
Because if the man learned that his love, no matter what, that
it's unconditioned, that he can bring himself fully as he is and
be present with himself, then intimacy lives there and that
can shift the entire relationship.
(14:15):
That's very interesting. Thank you so much more.
You're welcome. And how do you feel then around?
Presence and slowing. Down.
I've heard that in quite a few of the the episodes I've had
here earlier and we see that quite often being the heart of
intimacy. Why do you think so many people
struggle with this and what changes does people need to do
(14:36):
in order to achieve it? So as you said that you could
see immediately and maybe unconsciously, I took like a
deep breath myself because just saying that is changing the
frequency and even trying here in this episode and in this
conversation to be present and slow down.
If I look outside the window or I look anywhere around us, we
(15:00):
live in a culture that is the opposite of present and slowing
down. Yeah, everything happening speed
in really big speed. There is distraction everywhere.
Social media, which is another topic and and the way we
communicate is different today. It's less in connection and less
(15:22):
in present and more in a virtualspace, right.
So that force per SE, as as the setting is the opposite of
present and slowing down. Now for a lot of us, learning to
live in that constant dynamic and energy flow has taught our
(15:46):
nerve system that this is normal.
And so actually slowing down canfeel like something unsafe.
Because it's unusual. Yeah, because it's unusual.
And also, if you think about it,what happens when we are not
distracted and we are not on to go when we stop and slow what
(16:07):
happened first? Well, we have to start feeling
in what way as well, right? Yeah.
And what it is that we will feelfirst after like really sitting
and landing. What will come up?
Thinking there might be a fear coming up.
Yeah, all the feelings that we have been working subconsciously
(16:29):
so hard to avoid sometimes a lifetime by being distracted and
super fast and do, do, do achieve, achieve, achieve,
create, create, create. Yeah.
So they will come into the surface.
And therefore that for itself isa very unsettling and a lot of
us doesn't know, don't know and haven't been taught what to do
(16:51):
with emotions that are hard to feel.
Yeah, it's a very interesting element there when also this
thing about being present. Being in the now is.
Because in you can always look at it that you know the past is
just a memory and the the futuremight be a desire.
(17:12):
And then if you just think aboutthat, you're actually not in the
present and it's very. Hard for people to be right here
right now. Exactly.
And the mind, which is as a subconscious expert and and mind
body, which is basically the wayof human being, how we are being
as a human being, as a species. So our mind is designed to be in
(17:34):
that space in the past, avoidingthe past, not repeating the past
and predicting the future and worrying about the future, which
on both, if you think about it, we don't have control.
Yeah, we only control of what's happening in the in the present
moment. So, so this is the paradox.
(17:56):
We are in this loop of fast and distraction and not slowing down
and creating intimacy from that space.
So in relationship it can look like rushed into intimacy.
Let's get to know each other very fast.
Let's go to bed. Let's go to the second date,
third date, 4th date. Deep, fast, quick.
(18:17):
It doesn't work. Let's change whereas and that
actually just creating the wounds that we each carry even
deeper, Yeah, because we are never showing up as our true
authentic self because we are not even showing up for our self
when we slow down. Yeah.
And how can you love fully in that case?
(18:38):
Exactly. Love doesn't exist there.
So this is the paradox. Because when we truly do slow
down and allowing ourselves thisfirst initiate fear and
uncomfortableness and this and this is an unknown terrain,
yeah, This is why it's still uncomfortable.
But when we allow ourselves to be brave enough to be in that
(19:01):
space, firstly with ourselves, then to invite someone else to
share this space with us, then the magic happen.
And this is where truly intimacylive.
And that's such a beautiful way to put it.
More so, I really like the way that you're doing it.
(19:22):
You. OK, so I have one more question
for you here on on this episode here so many women, particularly
women, but also men, but in thiscase, women perform pleasure
instead of receiving. So how do you?
Think men can? Create.
More. Safety and also patience for.
Her to actually. Open up.
(19:42):
This is a really a really good, good question.
And I want to cycle back to the first question you asked me
about the alpha male. So basically, this is a very
similar way that the girls are learning.
So if the alpha male is the little boy who learns something
about love and how he needs to be in order to receive love,
(20:05):
this is exactly the little girl who learn who she needs to be in
order to be worthy of love. Yeah.
So. As a as a woman, as a girl, I've
learnt me and many other women that in order to be worthy of
love I need to minimise myself, to be small, to be quiet, that
(20:31):
my needs matter. 2nd and when itcomes into relationship with men
and women or romantic relationship, it came with some
kind of code of make sure that he's happy.
And when that comes into sexual relationship and into the
bedroom, it's this learning is adouble hazard because one, my
(20:55):
desire and my needs are less important than his meaning what
I need in order to feel comfortable, safe, seen orgasmic
pleasure is less important is not first, is not priority.
And two, let's make sure that he's happy.
(21:17):
So whatever happy, it's in my vision.
But in most scenarios is what wesee from Pern porn or learning a
very wrong ways that he needs tocome.
And so I I need to fake that I'min pleasure in order for him to
feel comfortable in his macho and in his masculine and in his
(21:39):
manhood and in his alpha. Yeah.
It's an, I think. I think we see this repeating
itself over and over again. Yeah, from generation to
generation as well. Yeah.
Yeah, and it's a very vicious cycle because he is not.
And both both are in pain. Both are equally in pain.
Yeah, he's coming and performingsomething in order to be worthy
(22:03):
of love. And she's arriving and
performing something in order tobe worthy of love and
connection. So instead of receiving and
feeling and being and Co creating we have to performing.
Yeah. And then you're, yes, you can
achieve some pleasure, I guess, but it's not that sweet tender
(22:26):
pressure pleasure. You can actually.
Achieve when you're. Really meeting each other and
being there with each other right in.
Yes, yes. And I think I've spoken with a
lot of women and a lot of men aswell about feeling pleasure, but
also the feeling the day after the pleasure and what stays from
it. If the pleasure was physical
(22:47):
only or this was ecstatic feeling of wholeness, oneness
and unity, which is what you want to feel in intimacy.
Yeah, and I think a lot of people like in the case here
with the previous episode we hadwith Susana, she gave.
Her body very. Easily for example, and that's a
way. It's just an example where yeah,
(23:09):
when you're in that mode it you sometimes most feel more empty
afterwards than fulfilled. Yeah, yeah.
And you ask a beautiful questionabout how can men create the
safety and patient for the feminine to actually open up.
And before I will, I will dive into answering that.
I just want to say something before it.
(23:29):
I think it's super important is working together and healing
together. Is is is beautiful and it's for
me, in my opinion, it's super healing.
It's this most pure and high healing space that two people
can do together. However, in order for that to be
(23:53):
available, each person in the dynamic, whether it's a man or a
woman, two women, two men, it doesn't matter in a romantic
dynamic, needs to have the responsibility each human being
to work on their wounds by themselves first.
Like a ground level to start from.
A ground level, then as a coupleyou will reach deeper levels of
(24:18):
healing that you will never be able to do by yourself because
it is limiting. When I'm only healing within my
own self but arriving to a relationship to a dynamic and a
romantic dynamic. That the entire topic of a
romantic dynamic is love and love itself is usually the
trigger, is where I felt unsafe and arriving there already with
(24:42):
awareness and some kind of levelof healing on my own wounds.
Allowing me to 1st be present and bring my true self and not
my survival mechanism into the dynamic.
And also allowing me to speak and communicate to my partner
(25:05):
what it is that I need that may look different from one person
to another in order to keep the space safe for both of them.
That's a it's a beautiful way you're putting it there.
And I think the what I, what I also see in today's society is
there's, for example, a lot of women, even men, but
(25:27):
particularly women who say I need to fulfil myself and heal
myself. And work with myself.
And they're on this path of actually.
Creating more. Walls around their hearts,
basically. Yeah.
It's really important what you're saying, Yeah.
Closes them down and also then limits.
Actually, what true Love Is All.About right?
(25:47):
Yeah, it is actually. And and and and, as I said
before, like we can only reach the deepest, deepest level
inside of us and our wounds withthe help of someone holding a
mirror to us. Exactly.
(26:10):
And that is only in long term relationship can happen.
Yeah, because that's where you get the most triggered for sure.
If you've been there, you know it.
If you are there concurrently, you know it.
But the beauty of it, if we willlook at it as the space, the
(26:31):
playground for it, as the invitation for that, I think
that will help many couples in the minefield.
I'm. Consciously aware about what
you're doing in there, that you are going to get triggered about
knowing how, and you can sit with that feeling when you get
triggered and talk about it, articulate it without reacting
(26:53):
on it. Like.
You normally do. That's when you can create
beauty. Yes.
So cycling back to your to your question of how a man can create
that safety. So being being present and
practising present and patient himself, first of all, in that
(27:13):
terrain of presence himself. And then for her, which will
look like often like meeting herwhere she's at today without any
agenda touching, without a goal,ask from a really space of
(27:36):
curiosity about her, about her day, about where she's at, about
how she feels, allowing, allowing the the, the the tempo
that might be different than his.
And really to be in humble humbleness state of I cannot fix
(27:59):
this. I cannot fix anything, I can
just be as a support. What do you need from me?
Yeah. That's this is where I know I
mean me myself having been in a long term relationship for a
long time and I know that tryingto fix something, modus operandi
(28:21):
if you will, that myself and a lot of other men have played.
Yeah, yeah, cycling back to the to the alpha male and the
learning that you learn as as a gender from a young age is to
fix. Men are fixing and this is how
they learned a equal worth. If you can fix it, you are
(28:42):
worthy. If well, you're worthy.
If you achieve that, you're worthy.
But I, I think that from both sides, when the man can be in
presence and the woman can communicate her needs, and that
is happening over a steady time and consistently, it allowed
(29:08):
both of them to arrive to open up, to know that this is safe no
matter what. And that is where, yeah, this is
where performing will change into presence and love will
strive. Yeah.
That's where magic happens. Yeah, exactly.
(29:31):
Great. Thank you so much more.
Thank you so much for inviting me to speak about topics that I
love to speak about. And yeah, have a wonderful day.
Thank you. So here's the invitation.
What if you stop trying to make her come and instead choose to
(29:55):
meet her not as a project, not as a performance, that as a
living being here and now? What if intimacy becomes less
about chasing the finish line and more about discovering the
path together? What if your strength was not in
(30:17):
how much you can do, but in how deeply you can stay through
silence, through tears, through laughter, through touch?
Because when performance drops, intimacy becomes healing, safety
becomes erotic, and pleasure, pleasure becomes infinite.
(30:43):
Have you ever felt the difference between performance
and presence in intimacy? Please Share your story in the
comments or vote in the poll. If this resonated with you, like
and share it so more people can join this conversation.
In the next episode, I'll be talking about fear of
(31:03):
relationships and the importanceof choosing love over fear.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.