September 29, 2025 • 40 mins
What happens when the patterns of our childhood shape every choice we make in love?
In this first part of Emilia’s story, we step into a life marked by chaos, longing, and the silent wounds of family history. Together with guest Mor, we explore how many of us “choose a familiar hell rather than an unknown heaven” — and why breaking free can feel harder than staying in pain.
✨ A raw story about survival, intimacy, and the search for safety.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:11):
Amelia, Childhood in Shadows, Welcome back to 34 O, the
podcast where we explore intimacy, vulnerability, and the
quiet revolutions that happen between two people who dare to
stay. Today we will hear the first
part of Amelia's story, and we will have more Shavit joining
in, giving her perspective on Amelia's journey.
(00:34):
This is a journey through childhood, a world where love
and chaos lived side by side, where absence was louder than
presence, and where survival became second nature.
The first part is her childhood in the shadows of adult choices.
The second part is the mother and father, between closeness
and betrayal. And the third part, the first
(00:58):
relationships desire, fear and destructive love.
Part 1 Childhood in the shadow of adult choices Amelia was born
into a whirlwind of emotions on the fringes of order and
(01:19):
security. Katrina Holm became her first
world, a small Swedish town where the most dramatic events
often took place behind closed doors in homes where love was
mixed with escape. Her mother was only 17 when she
became pregnant, a child herselfcarrying a child while her
relationship with Amelia's father was already falling
(01:41):
apart. Her father was five years older,
a Swedish born but of Serbian origin.
He wasn't ready for responsibility but fatherhood,
perhaps not even for himself. He left the family when Amelia
was still a baby, a man in freefall.
His escalating drug addiction and mental illness created a
(02:03):
sense of threat, something her mother quickly wanted to protect
her from. Her entire childhood was marked
by repeated words. It's dangerous.
It formed an image before she could even remember him, a void
with warning signs all around it.
But that image changed somewhat much later.
(02:26):
Then she saw not only the absentfather, but also the broken
child inside him, the man behindthe fear.
Her father's addiction went far.He grew cannabis at home, hiding
the plants when her mother's relatives came to visit.
Hash psychosis was not uncommon.He even burned down an
(02:50):
apartment. And then came the event that
became traumatic for Emilia as well, although she was too young
to understand it at the time. When she was around four or five
years old, her father was in an apartment in Katrina Horn, a man
whom her father owned. Money came, A fight broke out.
(03:11):
The other man in the apartment chased him and beat him to
death. Everyone except Amelia's father
was convicted of murder. He himself was sentenced to
forensic psychiatric care. When she was a child, these
stories were shrouded in silence, like cracks in the
facade. It was only much later that they
(03:33):
will fall into place. Her paternal grandmother lived
in Serbia, but had a strong connection to him.
Once, when her father and grandmother was talking in the
bathroom, Emilia's mother asked who they were talking about.
The answer? The white man in the suit, the
only people in the room with thetwo of them.
The hallucinations were already there.
(03:56):
Emilia grew up without her father, not just absent, but
laden with guilt, shame and fear.
But it was her mother's world that shaped her most.
A world full of contrasts, strength and chaos, love and
escape. Her mother was a survivor, but
also a seeker. There was a sense of struggle in
(04:18):
her life, a young woman fightingher way through life with her
daughter by her side. The men passed through the home
like seasons. They came, stayed, disappeared.
Emilia got used to the men's sense, their voices, their
fleeting smiles and her absence.Emilia often accompanied her
(04:41):
mother to parties. The adult world was not a closed
room, was something she became apart of at an early age.
She interacted with strangers, learn to read moods to adapt.
The little girl became alert. She knew when laughter was happy
and when it was hiding something.
(05:02):
When Emilia was around four or five, her mother met a man who
for the first time felt like a father figure, Johnny.
He came from Iskcon's tune up and stayed there for several
years. With him came something
resembling stability. Emilia loved him and as a child
she dreamt of marrying him one day, but it never happened.
(05:26):
The relationship ended suddenly without an explanation to
Amelia. Her mother was having an affair
with Johnny's colleague Yane. It was a fight and Johnny packed
these things and left. Her mother never talked about
it. It was as if he had been erased.
Years later, as an adult, Ameliagot in touch with Yoni.
She travelled to Eskis Tuna to meet him.
(05:49):
He told her about her father, about the leave from the mental
hospital, about how he once met Amelia under supervision.
He spoke tenderly, but also witha kind of unresolved desire.
When Emilia was about to take the train back to Stockholm, he
kissed her on the mouth. It confused her.
(06:09):
It felt healing and inappropriate at the same time.
It was as if her childhood was merging with the adult world in
a way that was not her choice. Emilia grew up in a home where
security was fleeting. She quickly learned to read
other people's needs to be good,to adapt, to exist.
(06:29):
But she also learned that she couldn't trust anyone to stay.
That stuck with her. It created a pattern she would
later repeat in relationship after relationship.
Men who came, men who betrayed her, Men who wanted her but
didn't keep her. Part 2 Mother and father between
(06:54):
closeness and betrayal As Ameliaapproached 30, something broke
inside her, A crack she had beencarrying for a long time, but
which was only now fully exposed.
In early June of that year, the police contacted her.
Her father, Luca had disappeared.
(07:15):
Days past and weeks. No one knew where he had gone.
Fear grew into desperation. Amelia needed support, not just
practical but emotional. But when she turned to her
mother, the response was dismissive.
The mother, newly married that summer, didn't understand why
(07:36):
she would get so involved. You'll have to do it yourself,
she said when Amelia asked her to contact Lisa, a medium in
Katrina home in the last ditch attempt to find clues through
spiritual means. Her mother didn't even want to
dog sit Emilia's French bulldog while the search was ongoing.
It was as if every time life demanded deep presence, her
(08:00):
mother withdrew. She had done it before,
disappeared into relationships that turned out to be bubbles
where there were no longer any room for Emilia.
And when the bubble burst, it was Emilia who had to pick up
the pieces, comfort, rescue and be the strong one a day.
(08:21):
In the end of August, the day before Amelia's 30th birthday,
her father was found. He had hanged himself in a tree
not far from the cottage where he lived, alone and forgotten.
His body had been hanging there for months.
It was a short but also brutal end to a relationship that had
(08:41):
never really begun but had always affected her.
Emilia decided to go through hishouse together with some
friends. She cleared out room after room.
In this encounter with his reality, what he had left
behind, she began to understand him in a way she never saw
before. Not as the father she never had,
(09:03):
but as a human being, a broken, vulnerable man whose life became
a cry for help that never came. Luca had spent years in
psychiatric hospitals. Terry had been pumped full of
medication but never received any real treatment.
No conversations, no therapy. Just sedation.
(09:27):
A chemical lid on a mental crisis.
His drug addiction, his psychosis, his hallucinations.
Perhaps these were not the rootsbut the symptom, and behind them
lay trauma after trauma. For the first time, Emilia saw
not just the problems, but the man behind them.
(09:49):
He painted abstract, colourful paintings filled with storms and
sorrow. She had been to an exhibition of
his art after his death. The painting screened in colour
what he could never say in words.
It became clear that Luca was not evil.
He wasn't even just sick. He was a man who had been
(10:10):
abandoned by the system relationships, perhaps even
himself, and Amelia carried a part of him within her.
One day during the clean up, sheand her friends went out for
lunch. They drove through an industrial
area in Katrina home and she suddenly had a feeling.
Stop here, there was a lunch place.
(10:32):
When she walked in she noticed the paintings, large, colourful,
painful. The whole room was filled with
art. Behind the counter stood a woman
with a Spanish accent. When Amelia asked about the
paintings, she replied they werepainted by Luca.
He was here every day, but he recently passed away.
(10:54):
He ate lunch here and he told his paintings to pay his bills.
He always talked about his daughter Amelia.
Amelia stood still, completely taken aback.
It was her father, in his colours, his words, his presence
in all the paintings in that lunch restaurant, and he had
(11:16):
talked about her every day. Now she was standing there in
the middle of his last refuge, where he was still someone.
Not just a diagnosis, not just an absent father, but her
relationship with her mother remained complicated.
Growing up, they had been like sisters, almost best friends.
(11:40):
Her mother was young, beautiful,strong.
She took up space, partied, danced, was lively.
Emilia admired her, but also felt that the roles were
sometimes reversed. They partied together, laughed
together. But sometimes her mother was
missing from her mother. in Group therapy, Emilia began to
(12:03):
distance herself. She understood that she could no
longer be her mother's mirror, that their bond needed to be
renegotiated, that love also requires boundaries.
She felt disappointed, not only that her mother didn't want to
help her search for her father, but because it revealed a larger
pattern. Every time life got tough, her
(12:27):
mother withdrew and Amelia was left alone.
There was love between them still, but it was complicated.
Dag, the mother, also carried her wounds, her history, her
unconscious choices. But it became clear to Amelia
that in order to heal, she needed to let go, not of the
(12:48):
love, but of her loyalty to the old dynamic.
So when you hear about Amelia's childhood with everything, with
an absent father and a mother who often withdrew, what
emotional patterns do you think a child develops in such an
(13:09):
environment? So I want to give a little bit
of preparation to this answer soit will be understood for
everyone who is listening. Every child is learning from the
dynamic around them in the earlyages, meaning I'm not as a
(13:33):
child, I'm not learning from what is said or what is done,
but I'm learning from the dynamic, which is then absorb in
my cells, in my body. And these are the blueprints,
These are the limiting beliefs. These are everything I know
about myself and the world. OK, so this is really, really
important to understand each andevery one of us, it's universal.
(13:58):
We are learning from the dynamicby absorbing it in our cells.
So for a child like Amelia, who has experienced an absent,
masculine and absent father, anda mother that is often withdraw,
she has learned that love isn't safe, that love isn't something
(14:20):
that stays. It can come, but it will go.
So for her the subconscious has been in printing and
understanding that I might be worth it to have someone coming
and arriving and start to love me, but I am not good enough for
(14:44):
someone to actually stay. And in a behaviour patterns it
may look like hyper vigilant so I can read the mood.
I can be really minimise myself.I can perform to be the nice one
(15:04):
or what is expected of me in order to bring this love in
order to try to hold this person.
Yeah. So love itself is unsafe.
So I will perform. Who do I need to be in order for
this person? Maybe, maybe, maybe we'll stay
and not go away from me, yeah. Yeah, it's a really good way of
(15:28):
putting it. So how does it then affect a
woman's self-image when she grows up with the experience
within men coming and going or security here that you also
talked about never really staying.
You know that love can come, butit can just as well go.
Exactly. So because we are learning about
(15:52):
our self from the dynamic. A girl that is being,
experiencing a dynamic of someone that is leaving her all
the time, abandoning her all thetime, is the learning of my
world worth. Worth is conditional.
Yeah. I am not worth just by being me.
(16:14):
I am worth only if I am OK. So I'm desirable enough to be
wanted, but not good enough, notworthy enough to be stayed for?
And this will build insecurities, self doubt and a
lot of shame. Yeah.
Yeah, so more why do many women like Amelia seek out men who
(16:39):
remind them of those chaotic times when which they grew up
in, even though it actually hurts them in the end of the
day? So this is a really, really,
really, really good question, Henrik.
And before I'm answering it, I want to, I want to point a light
into the way you have been asking me this question, which
(17:00):
may seem really normal and the way to ask it.
But really in the question itself, there is a
misunderstanding and misbelief when we when we think that
Amelia is seeking something likethis outside is as if she has
consciousness about it and she'schoosing from a consciousness
(17:22):
place. Whereas actually without
speaking to Amelia, but from speaking with many, many other
human beings, we unconsciously drawn to what is familiar.
Seeking may sound like it's an active consciousness space where
we are not doing it at all. We are actually longing for
(17:45):
something totally different thanwhat we are drawn to
automatically. And this is a really, really
important distinguish between the so unconsciously her nervous
system. Amelia's nerve system has been
wired that love equal and safety.
(18:07):
And I will, I will say now a sentence and I will repeat it
twice so the listeners can really, really listen to and
drop into. Our nervous system will always,
always prefer a familiar hell than an unfamiliar heaven.
(18:28):
Our nerve system will always be drawn.
And which choose unconsciously afamiliar hell than an unfamiliar
heaven. And what does it mean in the
scenario? In the case of Amelia, her
nervous system has learned that love is equal.
(18:49):
Unsafe love equal. Men that chooses her but doesn't
choose to stay with her. Men that comes and go.
That's the blueprint. And so her, her subconscious
will be drawn to the same experience and she will
experience it again and again and again.
(19:10):
And this is what we are calling the vicious cycle, the
repetitive vicious cycle that wetry to break so deeply from but
find ourselves again and again in.
Yeah. So the only way to break this
pattern is to 1st bring awareness of what it is that is
(19:31):
running the show. What are the blueprints and the
the beliefs and the dynamic thatwe have learnt from a young age
that love is. And from bringing awareness then
we can start bringing healing. Healing the parts in us that is
requesting to be healed in orderfor us to rewire those
(19:55):
blueprints and create new blueprints.
That love is safe. That I am safe, that I am worthy
of love, that I am worthy to be chosen and to be stayed for.
Yeah. I love the way that you're
putting it, that you're, you're,you'd rather have a familiar
(20:18):
hell than a unfamiliar heaven. I think it's a very, very
powerful way of describing it. Yeah, yeah, so, and I want it,
and I want for, like, really to invite everyone who is
listening. If you find yourself in between
these words, if you have found yourself repeating a pattern or
bringing yourself over and over and over again into a chaotic
(20:40):
environment, even violent or really unsafe, I want you to
know that you are not the wrong.You're not broken, you're not
doing anything wrong, but you can change it by seeking help,
by trying to, by starting to rewire your nerve system into
(21:00):
safety, you can then start shifting from this
unconsciousness that is drawing you into a familiar hell, and to
start training your nerve systemthat it is safe to try something
new, heavenly, and create something beautiful for
yourself. That's it's such a nice way of
(21:21):
putting it more so one thing that that we've seen in the
story of Amelia is really aroundhow she behaves with sex and all
these things. Do you think that sex sometimes
can be an escape from actual intimacy rather rather than a
path into it so speaking? Absolutely, absolutely.
(21:45):
It can be as you said in the second part of your question, it
can be a pathway and a doorway into a beautiful intimacy and
deepening intimacy as we experience intimacy with all of
our senses and inability of being seen and being held and
being loved fully. So sex, if we are truly in our
(22:07):
self and in our body and presentcan lead into a really profound
connection. However, if we are arriving to
intercourse, to the sexual act from our persona, from who we
think we need to be in order to be loved, who we taught as a
(22:29):
young child that we need to be, need to do, need to perform,
need to control, need to dominate in order to be loved
for both men and women. When we arrive from that space
we have two wounded child, 2 personas, 2 identities that are
(22:49):
not the true self that are meeting for the act of sex and
it's actually deepening the disconnection one from them self
and from each other. I think, but it's.
Escape. Excuse me?
Yeah. No, no.
And this is where I think sometimes we talked, talked
about this in previous episodes as well, that sometimes people
(23:11):
are feeling more shallow or empty after the act of sex with
when they actually give it the body weight without actually
being fully present in it, right?
Absolutely. And also if you think about it
energetically, when I perform and when I'm not myself fully,
(23:31):
it takes a lot of energy to not be yours ourselves.
And in a sexual intercourse evenmore so.
And so the feeling of draining is actually both physically and
energetically from soul perspective.
It's in both ends. Yeah.
(23:55):
Part three The first relationships desire, fear and
destructive love. Amelia was 15 when she called
someone her boyfriend for the first time.
His name was Andy. He was 20, an adult man in her
young eyes. They met at a party.
(24:16):
He was confident, older, dangerous.
She was a girl who wanted to be chosen, to be seen.
When he sent her a text message while she was sitting in a movie
theatre, her whole body bubbled with anticipation.
He wants me. It happened fast.
Suddenly she was at his place almost all the time, wrapped up
(24:37):
in something that at first felt like passion but quickly turned
out to be something else. Andy had a darkness inside him,
an old alcohol addiction that turned his eyes into black
holes. When he drank, he became a
different person, unpredictable,unpleasant.
Then came the amphetamines and the violence.
(25:01):
One night after a party, Amelia locked herself in the bathroom
and he banged on the door screaming, standing there with a
knife in his hand, stabbing it into the door over and over
again. On another occasion, he threw a
whole cabinet at her when she tried to escape from the
apartment. Once outside a pizzeria, after
they had broken up, he called her a whore in front of her
(25:24):
friends and started fighting with her friends.
Her childhood friend Matt tried to protect her and ended up in a
fight with Andy, but in a few weeks Amelia was back with him.
The relationship lasted 2, maybethree years.
She doesn't even remember the sex, as if her body and mind had
(25:44):
shut down. There was no presence.
Andy wasn't there, not emotionally.
He owned her, controlled her, drained her, but she didn't know
any different. She called it love because she
had nothing else to compare it to.
After Andy, she met Asmir. He was five years older, just
(26:05):
like Andy, but had a completely different aura.
Stable, handsome, a man she looked up to who belonged to
another world. He was Bosnian, A firefighter, a
soccer player and worked in social services.
He felt good, safe and yet unattainable.
(26:25):
She saw him as a God, but he carried his own wounds.
Deep, unhealed trauma from the war in Bosnia.
Perhaps they were doomed from the start to never blossom.
He was half Serbian. He was Bosnian 2 identities that
just a few years earlier had stood on opposite sides of a
bloody war. A match made in hell as she
(26:48):
would later describe it. Their relationship was intense
but never really defined. More like friends with benefits
with brief episodes of trying tobe something more.
He was never really present, butshe held on, tried to reach him,
to love him enough. One evening, while she was
(27:10):
studying to become a nursing assistant, her old friend Jimmy
called. He had been in a fight with his
mother and asked if he could sleep over.
Amelia said yes as a friend, andwhen Asmir found out, he
disappeared from her life just like that.
No answer, no goodbye. She regretted it deeply.
(27:31):
It was like an obsession, a sadness that lingered long after
she lost him and didn't know how.
Through the story of Amelia, we we hear a lot about shame and
the way it's surrounding the body and for her to being too
(27:52):
much or not being enough. And, you know, you know, we
spoke about this in a previous episode from fewer
relationships. But how common do you think this
is? And what does it really take for
a woman to truly own her body? Beautiful, beautiful question.
And even though we spoke about it, I think this topic cannot be
(28:16):
too spoken. It can only be spoken more and
more and bring more and more light and awareness around it.
So for the first part of the of the question of how common it
is, it is very common. Most women consciously or
unconsciously carry body shame and in general shame around
(28:42):
their voice, their sexuality, their their body, their
sensuality and and most women are not even created from them
self. It means that the shame came
with being a woman. It's inherit, it's generational,
passed on. The experience of too much and
(29:06):
not enough is very common. Because as a little girl we've
been taught to not be too loud, or not be too sexual or not be
too raise your voice, vocal whatyou think, vocal your opinion.
From the fear of being too much.Or we have learned that we are
(29:27):
not enough, not quiet enough, not skinny enough, not shy
enough, not tender enough, not giving enough.
And so the connection being madeagain, the blueprint mean made,
is who I truly am, is either toomuch or not enough or both of
them to a degree, depending on what quality.
(29:50):
Yeah. It makes full sense.
And when you look at the relationship between a woman and
her body, in that sense around shame is that my body is, first
of all, not mine. It's almost like it's a friction
between my body and myself because if there is part, there
are parts in my body that I should be ashamed of.
(30:13):
I want to hide it. I want to not show it.
And So what I do, I disconnect the relationship with parts of
me. Yeah.
And so you have asked what a woman can do in order to own
their body or re own their body.So The thing is to recognising
(30:37):
their body as their own and as awhole and as a beauty and a
wholeness as it is without the need or will to change it
whatsoever. And with that we are reaching A
deeper levels of self acceptancewhich we have spoke about in
(30:58):
previous episode. To be fully, fully radical,
loving myself, I need to fully, fully accept all the parts in
me. So all the parts that I have
taught that are either too much or not enough.
It is my job now and my practiseinto bringing awareness to all
(31:21):
these parts and to re parent myself and re re establish the
connection with these parts in myself and fully accept them in
me. And I sorry, I just want to say
that I love to look at it as as a process of really, really
(31:42):
coming back home because the body without sounding too much
spiritual or the fluff, but it is really the only temple that
we have been given as human being to perform in this realm
of human being. We have given this this body,
and so to really reclaim the ownership over it and the glory
(32:06):
of it and the beauty of it, especially for women, it's
really the key. So really to look at it as home.
Yeah, that's a very good messageto the listeners.
And how can a woman learn to sort of distinguish between
(32:26):
desires that nourish her and desires that drain her?
It goes back to a bit more what we started talking about before,
but when it comes to sex, but. Yeah.
So let me set up the table for this this question before we eat
desire, let's let's distinguish what desire is and what need or
(32:49):
will is, because they're two really different things.
And I think only by distinguishing, we can already
unpack the question, the answer here and see it in from a
different lens. Desire.
I like to see it as life seekingexpression through you.
(33:10):
I will say it again, Desire is life seeking expression through
you. My mentor used to say it, still
saying it all the time. So when life is seeking
expressions through me, desire is in alignment with my higher
self, with my soul. Yeah.
(33:33):
And so if my body is my temple and my soul has been residing
this temple and is seeking, there is an expression seeking
coming through me to experience and to express, and this will be
life itself, then how do you think it will feel in the body
(33:54):
when I'm following this desire? It will come, it will feel safe,
it will feel a flow, it will feel expansion.
Whereas as human beings we can have needs and we can have
(34:14):
wheels. I want I need which is very
human without any judgement. But another mentor of mine used
to say be aware of the desire ofthe spirit and the wheel of the
animal. And if forget ourself as part of
(34:38):
the animal Kingdom and we came here to experience the the the
world, the universe as a as a human being, then sometimes we
have wills or needs that are either mechanical or they are
coming from a wounded space thatis seeking validation outside.
(35:03):
Exactly. What will happen in our body
when we will be driven from a wheel or a need that is trying
to seek validation outside of usand not inside of us?
How will the body experience it when we will do it or we will
(35:23):
have it? Shall we give an end and very
easy example with the chocolate?Let's have an example with the
chocolate and guys, this is not a judge mental.
I also sometimes have the chocolate bar at night.
But if I look at myself, at my higher self who wants to be
(35:43):
healthy, who wants to nourish mybody with good food with with
good resources. And then comes the night and the
night is creeping in and before I go to bed, I have this voice
telling me the chocolate bar, the chocolate bar, the chocolate
bar. We all know this voice, right?
Some of us know it more louder, some of us know it less louder.
(36:07):
And we go and we, we eat the chocolate bar and we, we enjoy
it in the moment, But when we goto bed afterwards, we, we have
this feeling, we have this body feeling and also mind that is
like, it doesn't fit well in my body.
(36:28):
It doesn't leave me well in my body.
It's actually drained my body. I actually didn't want to do
that. I actually wanted to keep myself
healthy and clean eating. And and so this is exactly the
different between a desire, the desire to be healthy, to to keep
(36:49):
my body healthy and nourished with good and the will.
Yeah, the will is sort of hey, Iwant.
I want it and I want it now. Yeah.
Yeah. And this is what my mentor said,
the will of the animal. Yeah.
So the difference between the desire and the will is that the
(37:10):
desire is aligned with the soul.And so in the body, the body
always knows, the body will know.
It will feel expansion, ease, flow and comfort.
Whereas in a in a wheel, it willleave the body, feel, contract,
self doubt, self critique, unaligned, heavy.
So it's just the opposite. Now we are all here to
(37:33):
experience both. We are here to experience the
polarity because through the experience of the polarities,
the good and the bad, the up andthe down, we can make new
selection. We can make new decisions.
So everyone tonight who is listening to the wheel and going
and have the chocolate bar, don't weep yourself.
(37:54):
It's just another tuning up is just another accuracy for the
for the learning and the learning curve of listening to
the desire if the desire to stayhealthy for an example.
So yeah. So this is the difference
between nourishment and draining.
A true desire that is aligned with the soul will never, ever
(38:18):
leave us feeling drain. And so the feeling of draining
is one of the best signals that I am unaligned, that I am out of
the course of the soul. And it's an invitation to
realign. It's an invitation to go back
home. It's an invitation to look at it
(38:39):
and select differently new, other.
Yeah, this is, this is a very powerful message.
More to see that as a compass ifyou're on course or not.
Absolutely. Emilia grew up with fleeting
(39:01):
love and broken trust. The father's absence, the
mother's chaos, and the betrayalof those closest to her became
the foundation of her early life.
We will now follow her into her teenage years, where desire,
fear and destructive love shapedher first relationships.
If the first chapter was about survival in childhood, the next
(39:23):
ones are about what happens whena wounded child steps into love
for the first times. From Sweden to Italy, from
stability to chaos, Emilia carried her patterns with her.
But with every relationship, every country, something inside
her was shifting. We will now arrive in France in
the upcoming episode, where stability, spirituality and
(39:46):
restlessness all collide.
Amelia, Childhood in Shadows, Welcome back to 34 O, the
podcast where we explore intimacy, vulnerability, and the
quiet revolutions that happen between two people who dare to
stay. Today we will hear the first
part of Amelia's story, and we will have more Shavit joining
in, giving her perspective on Amelia's journey.
(00:34):
This is a journey through childhood, a world where love
and chaos lived side by side, where absence was louder than
presence, and where survival became second nature.
The first part is her childhood in the shadows of adult choices.
The second part is the mother and father, between closeness
and betrayal. And the third part, the first
(00:58):
relationships desire, fear and destructive love.
Part 1 Childhood in the shadow of adult choices Amelia was born
into a whirlwind of emotions on the fringes of order and
(01:19):
security. Katrina Holm became her first
world, a small Swedish town where the most dramatic events
often took place behind closed doors in homes where love was
mixed with escape. Her mother was only 17 when she
became pregnant, a child herselfcarrying a child while her
relationship with Amelia's father was already falling
(01:41):
apart. Her father was five years older,
a Swedish born but of Serbian origin.
He wasn't ready for responsibility but fatherhood,
perhaps not even for himself. He left the family when Amelia
was still a baby, a man in freefall.
His escalating drug addiction and mental illness created a
(02:03):
sense of threat, something her mother quickly wanted to protect
her from. Her entire childhood was marked
by repeated words. It's dangerous.
It formed an image before she could even remember him, a void
with warning signs all around it.
But that image changed somewhat much later.
(02:26):
Then she saw not only the absentfather, but also the broken
child inside him, the man behindthe fear.
Her father's addiction went far.He grew cannabis at home, hiding
the plants when her mother's relatives came to visit.
Hash psychosis was not uncommon.He even burned down an
(02:50):
apartment. And then came the event that
became traumatic for Emilia as well, although she was too young
to understand it at the time. When she was around four or five
years old, her father was in an apartment in Katrina Horn, a man
whom her father owned. Money came, A fight broke out.
(03:11):
The other man in the apartment chased him and beat him to
death. Everyone except Amelia's father
was convicted of murder. He himself was sentenced to
forensic psychiatric care. When she was a child, these
stories were shrouded in silence, like cracks in the
facade. It was only much later that they
(03:33):
will fall into place. Her paternal grandmother lived
in Serbia, but had a strong connection to him.
Once, when her father and grandmother was talking in the
bathroom, Emilia's mother asked who they were talking about.
The answer? The white man in the suit, the
only people in the room with thetwo of them.
The hallucinations were already there.
(03:56):
Emilia grew up without her father, not just absent, but
laden with guilt, shame and fear.
But it was her mother's world that shaped her most.
A world full of contrasts, strength and chaos, love and
escape. Her mother was a survivor, but
also a seeker. There was a sense of struggle in
(04:18):
her life, a young woman fightingher way through life with her
daughter by her side. The men passed through the home
like seasons. They came, stayed, disappeared.
Emilia got used to the men's sense, their voices, their
fleeting smiles and her absence.Emilia often accompanied her
(04:41):
mother to parties. The adult world was not a closed
room, was something she became apart of at an early age.
She interacted with strangers, learn to read moods to adapt.
The little girl became alert. She knew when laughter was happy
and when it was hiding something.
(05:02):
When Emilia was around four or five, her mother met a man who
for the first time felt like a father figure, Johnny.
He came from Iskcon's tune up and stayed there for several
years. With him came something
resembling stability. Emilia loved him and as a child
she dreamt of marrying him one day, but it never happened.
(05:26):
The relationship ended suddenly without an explanation to
Amelia. Her mother was having an affair
with Johnny's colleague Yane. It was a fight and Johnny packed
these things and left. Her mother never talked about
it. It was as if he had been erased.
Years later, as an adult, Ameliagot in touch with Yoni.
She travelled to Eskis Tuna to meet him.
(05:49):
He told her about her father, about the leave from the mental
hospital, about how he once met Amelia under supervision.
He spoke tenderly, but also witha kind of unresolved desire.
When Emilia was about to take the train back to Stockholm, he
kissed her on the mouth. It confused her.
(06:09):
It felt healing and inappropriate at the same time.
It was as if her childhood was merging with the adult world in
a way that was not her choice. Emilia grew up in a home where
security was fleeting. She quickly learned to read
other people's needs to be good,to adapt, to exist.
(06:29):
But she also learned that she couldn't trust anyone to stay.
That stuck with her. It created a pattern she would
later repeat in relationship after relationship.
Men who came, men who betrayed her, Men who wanted her but
didn't keep her. Part 2 Mother and father between
(06:54):
closeness and betrayal As Ameliaapproached 30, something broke
inside her, A crack she had beencarrying for a long time, but
which was only now fully exposed.
In early June of that year, the police contacted her.
Her father, Luca had disappeared.
(07:15):
Days past and weeks. No one knew where he had gone.
Fear grew into desperation. Amelia needed support, not just
practical but emotional. But when she turned to her
mother, the response was dismissive.
The mother, newly married that summer, didn't understand why
(07:36):
she would get so involved. You'll have to do it yourself,
she said when Amelia asked her to contact Lisa, a medium in
Katrina home in the last ditch attempt to find clues through
spiritual means. Her mother didn't even want to
dog sit Emilia's French bulldog while the search was ongoing.
It was as if every time life demanded deep presence, her
(08:00):
mother withdrew. She had done it before,
disappeared into relationships that turned out to be bubbles
where there were no longer any room for Emilia.
And when the bubble burst, it was Emilia who had to pick up
the pieces, comfort, rescue and be the strong one a day.
(08:21):
In the end of August, the day before Amelia's 30th birthday,
her father was found. He had hanged himself in a tree
not far from the cottage where he lived, alone and forgotten.
His body had been hanging there for months.
It was a short but also brutal end to a relationship that had
(08:41):
never really begun but had always affected her.
Emilia decided to go through hishouse together with some
friends. She cleared out room after room.
In this encounter with his reality, what he had left
behind, she began to understand him in a way she never saw
before. Not as the father she never had,
(09:03):
but as a human being, a broken, vulnerable man whose life became
a cry for help that never came. Luca had spent years in
psychiatric hospitals. Terry had been pumped full of
medication but never received any real treatment.
No conversations, no therapy. Just sedation.
(09:27):
A chemical lid on a mental crisis.
His drug addiction, his psychosis, his hallucinations.
Perhaps these were not the rootsbut the symptom, and behind them
lay trauma after trauma. For the first time, Emilia saw
not just the problems, but the man behind them.
(09:49):
He painted abstract, colourful paintings filled with storms and
sorrow. She had been to an exhibition of
his art after his death. The painting screened in colour
what he could never say in words.
It became clear that Luca was not evil.
He wasn't even just sick. He was a man who had been
(10:10):
abandoned by the system relationships, perhaps even
himself, and Amelia carried a part of him within her.
One day during the clean up, sheand her friends went out for
lunch. They drove through an industrial
area in Katrina home and she suddenly had a feeling.
Stop here, there was a lunch place.
(10:32):
When she walked in she noticed the paintings, large, colourful,
painful. The whole room was filled with
art. Behind the counter stood a woman
with a Spanish accent. When Amelia asked about the
paintings, she replied they werepainted by Luca.
He was here every day, but he recently passed away.
(10:54):
He ate lunch here and he told his paintings to pay his bills.
He always talked about his daughter Amelia.
Amelia stood still, completely taken aback.
It was her father, in his colours, his words, his presence
in all the paintings in that lunch restaurant, and he had
(11:16):
talked about her every day. Now she was standing there in
the middle of his last refuge, where he was still someone.
Not just a diagnosis, not just an absent father, but her
relationship with her mother remained complicated.
Growing up, they had been like sisters, almost best friends.
(11:40):
Her mother was young, beautiful,strong.
She took up space, partied, danced, was lively.
Emilia admired her, but also felt that the roles were
sometimes reversed. They partied together, laughed
together. But sometimes her mother was
missing from her mother. in Group therapy, Emilia began to
(12:03):
distance herself. She understood that she could no
longer be her mother's mirror, that their bond needed to be
renegotiated, that love also requires boundaries.
She felt disappointed, not only that her mother didn't want to
help her search for her father, but because it revealed a larger
pattern. Every time life got tough, her
(12:27):
mother withdrew and Amelia was left alone.
There was love between them still, but it was complicated.
Dag, the mother, also carried her wounds, her history, her
unconscious choices. But it became clear to Amelia
that in order to heal, she needed to let go, not of the
(12:48):
love, but of her loyalty to the old dynamic.
So when you hear about Amelia's childhood with everything, with
an absent father and a mother who often withdrew, what
emotional patterns do you think a child develops in such an
(13:09):
environment? So I want to give a little bit
of preparation to this answer soit will be understood for
everyone who is listening. Every child is learning from the
dynamic around them in the earlyages, meaning I'm not as a
(13:33):
child, I'm not learning from what is said or what is done,
but I'm learning from the dynamic, which is then absorb in
my cells, in my body. And these are the blueprints,
These are the limiting beliefs. These are everything I know
about myself and the world. OK, so this is really, really
important to understand each andevery one of us, it's universal.
(13:58):
We are learning from the dynamicby absorbing it in our cells.
So for a child like Amelia, who has experienced an absent,
masculine and absent father, anda mother that is often withdraw,
she has learned that love isn't safe, that love isn't something
(14:20):
that stays. It can come, but it will go.
So for her the subconscious has been in printing and
understanding that I might be worth it to have someone coming
and arriving and start to love me, but I am not good enough for
(14:44):
someone to actually stay. And in a behaviour patterns it
may look like hyper vigilant so I can read the mood.
I can be really minimise myself.I can perform to be the nice one
(15:04):
or what is expected of me in order to bring this love in
order to try to hold this person.
Yeah. So love itself is unsafe.
So I will perform. Who do I need to be in order for
this person? Maybe, maybe, maybe we'll stay
and not go away from me, yeah. Yeah, it's a really good way of
(15:28):
putting it. So how does it then affect a
woman's self-image when she grows up with the experience
within men coming and going or security here that you also
talked about never really staying.
You know that love can come, butit can just as well go.
Exactly. So because we are learning about
(15:52):
our self from the dynamic. A girl that is being,
experiencing a dynamic of someone that is leaving her all
the time, abandoning her all thetime, is the learning of my
world worth. Worth is conditional.
Yeah. I am not worth just by being me.
(16:14):
I am worth only if I am OK. So I'm desirable enough to be
wanted, but not good enough, notworthy enough to be stayed for?
And this will build insecurities, self doubt and a
lot of shame. Yeah.
Yeah, so more why do many women like Amelia seek out men who
(16:39):
remind them of those chaotic times when which they grew up
in, even though it actually hurts them in the end of the
day? So this is a really, really,
really, really good question, Henrik.
And before I'm answering it, I want to, I want to point a light
into the way you have been asking me this question, which
(17:00):
may seem really normal and the way to ask it.
But really in the question itself, there is a
misunderstanding and misbelief when we when we think that
Amelia is seeking something likethis outside is as if she has
consciousness about it and she'schoosing from a consciousness
(17:22):
place. Whereas actually without
speaking to Amelia, but from speaking with many, many other
human beings, we unconsciously drawn to what is familiar.
Seeking may sound like it's an active consciousness space where
we are not doing it at all. We are actually longing for
(17:45):
something totally different thanwhat we are drawn to
automatically. And this is a really, really
important distinguish between the so unconsciously her nervous
system. Amelia's nerve system has been
wired that love equal and safety.
(18:07):
And I will, I will say now a sentence and I will repeat it
twice so the listeners can really, really listen to and
drop into. Our nervous system will always,
always prefer a familiar hell than an unfamiliar heaven.
(18:28):
Our nerve system will always be drawn.
And which choose unconsciously afamiliar hell than an unfamiliar
heaven. And what does it mean in the
scenario? In the case of Amelia, her
nervous system has learned that love is equal.
(18:49):
Unsafe love equal. Men that chooses her but doesn't
choose to stay with her. Men that comes and go.
That's the blueprint. And so her, her subconscious
will be drawn to the same experience and she will
experience it again and again and again.
(19:10):
And this is what we are calling the vicious cycle, the
repetitive vicious cycle that wetry to break so deeply from but
find ourselves again and again in.
Yeah. So the only way to break this
pattern is to 1st bring awareness of what it is that is
(19:31):
running the show. What are the blueprints and the
the beliefs and the dynamic thatwe have learnt from a young age
that love is. And from bringing awareness then
we can start bringing healing. Healing the parts in us that is
requesting to be healed in orderfor us to rewire those
(19:55):
blueprints and create new blueprints.
That love is safe. That I am safe, that I am worthy
of love, that I am worthy to be chosen and to be stayed for.
Yeah. I love the way that you're
putting it, that you're, you're,you'd rather have a familiar
(20:18):
hell than a unfamiliar heaven. I think it's a very, very
powerful way of describing it. Yeah, yeah, so, and I want it,
and I want for, like, really to invite everyone who is
listening. If you find yourself in between
these words, if you have found yourself repeating a pattern or
bringing yourself over and over and over again into a chaotic
(20:40):
environment, even violent or really unsafe, I want you to
know that you are not the wrong.You're not broken, you're not
doing anything wrong, but you can change it by seeking help,
by trying to, by starting to rewire your nerve system into
(21:00):
safety, you can then start shifting from this
unconsciousness that is drawing you into a familiar hell, and to
start training your nerve systemthat it is safe to try something
new, heavenly, and create something beautiful for
yourself. That's it's such a nice way of
(21:21):
putting it more so one thing that that we've seen in the
story of Amelia is really aroundhow she behaves with sex and all
these things. Do you think that sex sometimes
can be an escape from actual intimacy rather rather than a
path into it so speaking? Absolutely, absolutely.
(21:45):
It can be as you said in the second part of your question, it
can be a pathway and a doorway into a beautiful intimacy and
deepening intimacy as we experience intimacy with all of
our senses and inability of being seen and being held and
being loved fully. So sex, if we are truly in our
(22:07):
self and in our body and presentcan lead into a really profound
connection. However, if we are arriving to
intercourse, to the sexual act from our persona, from who we
think we need to be in order to be loved, who we taught as a
(22:29):
young child that we need to be, need to do, need to perform,
need to control, need to dominate in order to be loved
for both men and women. When we arrive from that space
we have two wounded child, 2 personas, 2 identities that are
(22:49):
not the true self that are meeting for the act of sex and
it's actually deepening the disconnection one from them self
and from each other. I think, but it's.
Escape. Excuse me?
Yeah. No, no.
And this is where I think sometimes we talked, talked
about this in previous episodes as well, that sometimes people
(23:11):
are feeling more shallow or empty after the act of sex with
when they actually give it the body weight without actually
being fully present in it, right?
Absolutely. And also if you think about it
energetically, when I perform and when I'm not myself fully,
(23:31):
it takes a lot of energy to not be yours ourselves.
And in a sexual intercourse evenmore so.
And so the feeling of draining is actually both physically and
energetically from soul perspective.
It's in both ends. Yeah.
(23:55):
Part three The first relationships desire, fear and
destructive love. Amelia was 15 when she called
someone her boyfriend for the first time.
His name was Andy. He was 20, an adult man in her
young eyes. They met at a party.
(24:16):
He was confident, older, dangerous.
She was a girl who wanted to be chosen, to be seen.
When he sent her a text message while she was sitting in a movie
theatre, her whole body bubbled with anticipation.
He wants me. It happened fast.
Suddenly she was at his place almost all the time, wrapped up
(24:37):
in something that at first felt like passion but quickly turned
out to be something else. Andy had a darkness inside him,
an old alcohol addiction that turned his eyes into black
holes. When he drank, he became a
different person, unpredictable,unpleasant.
Then came the amphetamines and the violence.
(25:01):
One night after a party, Amelia locked herself in the bathroom
and he banged on the door screaming, standing there with a
knife in his hand, stabbing it into the door over and over
again. On another occasion, he threw a
whole cabinet at her when she tried to escape from the
apartment. Once outside a pizzeria, after
they had broken up, he called her a whore in front of her
(25:24):
friends and started fighting with her friends.
Her childhood friend Matt tried to protect her and ended up in a
fight with Andy, but in a few weeks Amelia was back with him.
The relationship lasted 2, maybethree years.
She doesn't even remember the sex, as if her body and mind had
(25:44):
shut down. There was no presence.
Andy wasn't there, not emotionally.
He owned her, controlled her, drained her, but she didn't know
any different. She called it love because she
had nothing else to compare it to.
After Andy, she met Asmir. He was five years older, just
(26:05):
like Andy, but had a completely different aura.
Stable, handsome, a man she looked up to who belonged to
another world. He was Bosnian, A firefighter, a
soccer player and worked in social services.
He felt good, safe and yet unattainable.
(26:25):
She saw him as a God, but he carried his own wounds.
Deep, unhealed trauma from the war in Bosnia.
Perhaps they were doomed from the start to never blossom.
He was half Serbian. He was Bosnian 2 identities that
just a few years earlier had stood on opposite sides of a
bloody war. A match made in hell as she
(26:48):
would later describe it. Their relationship was intense
but never really defined. More like friends with benefits
with brief episodes of trying tobe something more.
He was never really present, butshe held on, tried to reach him,
to love him enough. One evening, while she was
(27:10):
studying to become a nursing assistant, her old friend Jimmy
called. He had been in a fight with his
mother and asked if he could sleep over.
Amelia said yes as a friend, andwhen Asmir found out, he
disappeared from her life just like that.
No answer, no goodbye. She regretted it deeply.
(27:31):
It was like an obsession, a sadness that lingered long after
she lost him and didn't know how.
Through the story of Amelia, we we hear a lot about shame and
the way it's surrounding the body and for her to being too
(27:52):
much or not being enough. And, you know, you know, we
spoke about this in a previous episode from fewer
relationships. But how common do you think this
is? And what does it really take for
a woman to truly own her body? Beautiful, beautiful question.
And even though we spoke about it, I think this topic cannot be
(28:16):
too spoken. It can only be spoken more and
more and bring more and more light and awareness around it.
So for the first part of the of the question of how common it
is, it is very common. Most women consciously or
unconsciously carry body shame and in general shame around
(28:42):
their voice, their sexuality, their their body, their
sensuality and and most women are not even created from them
self. It means that the shame came
with being a woman. It's inherit, it's generational,
passed on. The experience of too much and
(29:06):
not enough is very common. Because as a little girl we've
been taught to not be too loud, or not be too sexual or not be
too raise your voice, vocal whatyou think, vocal your opinion.
From the fear of being too much.Or we have learned that we are
(29:27):
not enough, not quiet enough, not skinny enough, not shy
enough, not tender enough, not giving enough.
And so the connection being madeagain, the blueprint mean made,
is who I truly am, is either toomuch or not enough or both of
them to a degree, depending on what quality.
(29:50):
Yeah. It makes full sense.
And when you look at the relationship between a woman and
her body, in that sense around shame is that my body is, first
of all, not mine. It's almost like it's a friction
between my body and myself because if there is part, there
are parts in my body that I should be ashamed of.
(30:13):
I want to hide it. I want to not show it.
And So what I do, I disconnect the relationship with parts of
me. Yeah.
And so you have asked what a woman can do in order to own
their body or re own their body.So The thing is to recognising
(30:37):
their body as their own and as awhole and as a beauty and a
wholeness as it is without the need or will to change it
whatsoever. And with that we are reaching A
deeper levels of self acceptancewhich we have spoke about in
(30:58):
previous episode. To be fully, fully radical,
loving myself, I need to fully, fully accept all the parts in
me. So all the parts that I have
taught that are either too much or not enough.
It is my job now and my practiseinto bringing awareness to all
(31:21):
these parts and to re parent myself and re re establish the
connection with these parts in myself and fully accept them in
me. And I sorry, I just want to say
that I love to look at it as as a process of really, really
(31:42):
coming back home because the body without sounding too much
spiritual or the fluff, but it is really the only temple that
we have been given as human being to perform in this realm
of human being. We have given this this body,
and so to really reclaim the ownership over it and the glory
(32:06):
of it and the beauty of it, especially for women, it's
really the key. So really to look at it as home.
Yeah, that's a very good messageto the listeners.
And how can a woman learn to sort of distinguish between
(32:26):
desires that nourish her and desires that drain her?
It goes back to a bit more what we started talking about before,
but when it comes to sex, but. Yeah.
So let me set up the table for this this question before we eat
desire, let's let's distinguish what desire is and what need or
(32:49):
will is, because they're two really different things.
And I think only by distinguishing, we can already
unpack the question, the answer here and see it in from a
different lens. Desire.
I like to see it as life seekingexpression through you.
(33:10):
I will say it again, Desire is life seeking expression through
you. My mentor used to say it, still
saying it all the time. So when life is seeking
expressions through me, desire is in alignment with my higher
self, with my soul. Yeah.
(33:33):
And so if my body is my temple and my soul has been residing
this temple and is seeking, there is an expression seeking
coming through me to experience and to express, and this will be
life itself, then how do you think it will feel in the body
(33:54):
when I'm following this desire? It will come, it will feel safe,
it will feel a flow, it will feel expansion.
Whereas as human beings we can have needs and we can have
(34:14):
wheels. I want I need which is very
human without any judgement. But another mentor of mine used
to say be aware of the desire ofthe spirit and the wheel of the
animal. And if forget ourself as part of
(34:38):
the animal Kingdom and we came here to experience the the the
world, the universe as a as a human being, then sometimes we
have wills or needs that are either mechanical or they are
coming from a wounded space thatis seeking validation outside.
(35:03):
Exactly. What will happen in our body
when we will be driven from a wheel or a need that is trying
to seek validation outside of usand not inside of us?
How will the body experience it when we will do it or we will
(35:23):
have it? Shall we give an end and very
easy example with the chocolate?Let's have an example with the
chocolate and guys, this is not a judge mental.
I also sometimes have the chocolate bar at night.
But if I look at myself, at my higher self who wants to be
(35:43):
healthy, who wants to nourish mybody with good food with with
good resources. And then comes the night and the
night is creeping in and before I go to bed, I have this voice
telling me the chocolate bar, the chocolate bar, the chocolate
bar. We all know this voice, right?
Some of us know it more louder, some of us know it less louder.
(36:07):
And we go and we, we eat the chocolate bar and we, we enjoy
it in the moment, But when we goto bed afterwards, we, we have
this feeling, we have this body feeling and also mind that is
like, it doesn't fit well in my body.
(36:28):
It doesn't leave me well in my body.
It's actually drained my body. I actually didn't want to do
that. I actually wanted to keep myself
healthy and clean eating. And and so this is exactly the
different between a desire, the desire to be healthy, to to keep
(36:49):
my body healthy and nourished with good and the will.
Yeah, the will is sort of hey, Iwant.
I want it and I want it now. Yeah.
Yeah. And this is what my mentor said,
the will of the animal. Yeah.
So the difference between the desire and the will is that the
(37:10):
desire is aligned with the soul.And so in the body, the body
always knows, the body will know.
It will feel expansion, ease, flow and comfort.
Whereas in a in a wheel, it willleave the body, feel, contract,
self doubt, self critique, unaligned, heavy.
So it's just the opposite. Now we are all here to
(37:33):
experience both. We are here to experience the
polarity because through the experience of the polarities,
the good and the bad, the up andthe down, we can make new
selection. We can make new decisions.
So everyone tonight who is listening to the wheel and going
and have the chocolate bar, don't weep yourself.
(37:54):
It's just another tuning up is just another accuracy for the
for the learning and the learning curve of listening to
the desire if the desire to stayhealthy for an example.
So yeah. So this is the difference
between nourishment and draining.
A true desire that is aligned with the soul will never, ever
(38:18):
leave us feeling drain. And so the feeling of draining
is one of the best signals that I am unaligned, that I am out of
the course of the soul. And it's an invitation to
realign. It's an invitation to go back
home. It's an invitation to look at it
(38:39):
and select differently new, other.
Yeah, this is, this is a very powerful message.
More to see that as a compass ifyou're on course or not.
Absolutely. Emilia grew up with fleeting
(39:01):
love and broken trust. The father's absence, the
mother's chaos, and the betrayalof those closest to her became
the foundation of her early life.
We will now follow her into her teenage years, where desire,
fear and destructive love shapedher first relationships.
If the first chapter was about survival in childhood, the next
(39:23):
ones are about what happens whena wounded child steps into love
for the first times. From Sweden to Italy, from
stability to chaos, Emilia carried her patterns with her.
But with every relationship, every country, something inside
her was shifting. We will now arrive in France in
the upcoming episode, where stability, spirituality and
(39:46):
restlessness all collide.
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