March 8, 2025 • 22 mins
Futoko in Japan represents a protective response rather than a problem, with over 240,000 students absent from school for 30 days or more as they instinctively conserve energy when overwhelmed.
• School refusal often stems from overactivity in the amygdala, causing students to constantly perceive threats others might not notice
• Speaker Nakashima's "Tree of Self-Affirmation" illustrates how futoko relates to weakened self-esteem and self-acceptance
• Creating supportive environments involves shifting from "rescuing" to "accompanying" students through their healing journey
• Fathers can provide structural support by creating "self-determination zones" giving children 30% control over their space
• Mothers are encouraged to focus on affirming their child's existence rather than achievements
• Simple activities like observing the sky together can activate the prefrontal cortex and support emotional regulation
• Parents should resist forcing solutions and instead create environments where healing can happen naturally
• The experience of futoko can be reframed as a necessary transformation, similar to a caterpillar in a cocoon
• Success doesn't have to follow a linear path—sometimes detours lead to more authentic and fulfilling journeys
Futoko—Japan's phenomenon of school refusal—affects over 240,000 students annually, but what if we've been looking at it all wrong? This fascinating deep dive challenges traditional perspectives by exploring how futoko may actually represent a protective response rather than defiance or laziness.
Drawing from expert insights, we examine the neuroscience behind this phenomenon. Students experiencing futoko often display overactivity in their amygdala, essentially perceiving threats that others might not notice. Like a bird in a cage that eventually becomes still to preserve energy, these children aren't giving up—they're protecting themselves from overwhelming environments.
Through Speaker Nakashima's powerful "Tree of Self-Affirmation" analogy, we explore how futoko often stems from weakened self-esteem and self-acceptance. This remarkable framework illustrates the journey from basic self-esteem (roots) through to self-worth (fruit), offering a roadmap for supporting children through this challenging period.
The most transformative aspect of this exploration is the shift from "rescuing" to "accompanying"—recognizing that like trees in winter, apparent dormancy often masks profound internal growth. Parents are encouraged to create supportive environments where healing can happen naturally, with specific guidance for both mothers and fathers. From establishing "self-determination zones" that give children partial control over their space to simple activities like sky-watching that activate the prefrontal cortex, these practical strategies build resilience without forcing solutions.
By reframing futoko as a necessary transformation—like a caterpillar in a cocoon—we discover that these apparent detours might lead to more authentic and fulfilling paths. For anyone supporting a child through school refusal or interested in alternative perspectives on education and mental health, this episode offers profound insights into nurturing growth during life's challenging transitions.
Teru Nakashima, All about Self-esteem
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to another deep dive where we like to go a
little deeper with our topic.
Today we're looking at futokoin Japan, which is school
refusal, and we're going to belooking at it from a bunch of
different angles.
We have speeches from experts,we have letters that are written
to parents, we have letterswritten to educators, and we
even have messages to thestudents themselves.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Yeah, it's really interesting how all these
different sources kind of comeat this topic from their own
unique perspective.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Yeah, and the thing that's really got me intrigued
about this deep dive is that,instead of looking at Futoko as
a problem, we're going to belooking at it as, like a
protective response.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Maybe even like a chance for growth.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Yeah, it's really fascinating to see how all these
sources are encouraging us tolook at Futoko not as defiance
or laziness but to really likelook a little bit deeper.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
OK, so before we get too far into this, can you give
us a sense of just howwidespread is Futoko in Japan?
Like, how big of an issue arewe talking about?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Yeah, so one of our experts, Speaker Nakajima.
He points out that there areover 240,000 students who are
absent for 30 days or more.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Wow, ok, so that's a significant number.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Right, and he's really arguing that this isn't
just kids choosing to skipschool or something like that.
He talks about something calledenvironmental adaptation,
energy.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
It was that.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Yeah, so he kind of describes it like a battery
that's run dry, almost like anecessary shutdown to like
conserve energy.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Oh, interesting.
Ok, that makes sense.
I'm thinking about the birdcageanalogy he uses to explain this
.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Can you walk us through that?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, so imagine a bird that's trapped in a cage
Right, and at first it's goingto be, you know, frantically
trying to escape and bangingaround, and then eventually it
just becomes still.
But that doesn't mean that thebird has lost hope, it's just
preserving its strength.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
OK.
So it's like it's not giving up, it's like a survival tactic.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Exactly, and Speaker Nakashima is saying that futoko
can be a very similar act ofself-preservation.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
That's powerful.
And it's not just a theoryeither.
Right, there's actualneuroscience that backs up this
idea.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Absolutely yeah, there's research that shows that
students experiencing futokooften have overactivity in their
amygdala.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Okay, can you break that down a little bit for us,
Like what is the amygdala andwhy is that significant?
Speaker 2 (02:08):
So the amygdala is the part of your brain that's
responsible for processing fear,and so when this is overactive,
it means they're basicallyperceiving threats all the time
that other people might not evennotice.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Oh, so they're just constantly in this heightened
state of anxiety.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Exactly Like.
Imagine going through your dayfeeling like you're constantly
in danger.
It's exhausting, and sowithdrawing from school can be a
way of protecting themselvesfrom that overwhelming stress.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
It makes sense that they would need to withdraw to
regain their strength, and thisis where I think Speaker
Nakashima's tree ofself-affirmation comes in right.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yes, exactly, he uses this really cool image of a
tree to explain all thedifferent aspects of
self-affirmation.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Okay, I love a good analogy.
So walk us through this tree.
How does it work?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
So you can think of your own self-affirmation like a
tree.
So first you have to look atthe roots.
Are the roots of yourself-esteem strong?
Are they healthy?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Okay, so the roots are self-esteem, which is
knowing your worth.
I got it.
What about the trunk?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
The trunk is your self-acceptance, so it's about
being okay with who you are,just as you are.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I love that, and then the branches, I'm assuming.
The branches are self-efficacy,which is like your belief in
your ability to handlechallenges that come your way.
Okay, so it's like how wellequipped are you to deal with
whatever life throws at you andthe leaves.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
The leaves represent self-confidence, so that's about
trusting your own judgment.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Okay, so you have a strong foundation, you believe
in yourself, you trust yourdecisions, and then we get to
the flowers.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
Right.
The flowers representself-determination, which is
your ability to choose your ownpath.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
So it's like being the author of your own life,
basically, and the food of allthis.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
The fruit is self-worth.
It's the feeling that youcontribute to the world around
you.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
This is a really powerful image, and so how does
this tree analogy relate back tofutoko?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Speaker Nakashima argues that futoko often stems
from weakened roots and a trunkthat's not very strong, so it's
a lack of foundationalself-esteem and self-acceptance.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
That's like if you try to grow a tree in bad soil
or without enough water, it'snot going to thrive.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Exactly, and so supporting these students really
involves helping them tostrengthen those core elements
of self-affirmation.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
That makes a lot of sense.
So how do we approachsupporting these students, then?
One thing that I was reallystruck by was this shift from
rescuing to accompanying that Isaw in a lot of these sources.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthat?
Speaker 2 (04:30):
It is a really crucial shift in perspective.
Instead of viewing Futoko assomething that needs to be fixed
right away, it's about being asupportive presence on their
journey, allowing them to kindof heal and grow at their own
pace, and Speaker Nakashima usesanother great analogy here he
talks about trees in winter.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
I love that, because trees, in winter they look
dormant, they look lifelessalmost.
But underneath there's so muchgoing on.
They're preparing for spring,they're getting ready for a
whole new season of growth.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Right, and it's about trusting that process,
recognizing that, even though wemight not see outward progress,
there's a lot happening beneaththe surface.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
So how do we create that supportive environment for
these students?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Speaker Nakashima suggests that simply creating a
safe space where just beingpresent is enough can be
incredibly powerful.
Just think about it no judgment, no pressure to perform, just
unconditional acceptance.
That in itself can beincredibly healing.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
It's like saying, hey , it's okay to just be be.
You don't have to do anythingto prove your worth.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Right.
And along with that acceptance,it's about resisting the urge
to force progress and insteadcelebrating those small everyday
wins that build self-efficacy.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Oh, that's so important, because what might
seem like a tiny step to oneperson could be a huge victory
for someone struggling withFotoko.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Exactly, and it's about recognizing and honoring
their efforts, no matter howsmall they might seem.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
OK, and I know the speaker in Akashima also offers
more specific advice that'stailored to different groups.
He even breaks it down byparents, right.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yes, he actually specifically addresses fathers
and mothers, acknowledging thedifferent roles they often play
in the family dynamic.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
OK, that's interesting.
So what kind of support does hesuggest that fathers provide?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
He talks about providing what he calls
structural support, and oneexample he gives is giving
children some control over theirpersonal space.
Did you know that giving themabout 30% control can actually
promote self-regulation?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Wow, I didn't know that.
That's really interesting.
It's almost like anarchitectural concept, like
designing a space to support achild's well-being.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
It's really fascinating, isn't it?
And it makes sense when youthink about it.
Having a sense of ownershipover your environment can be
incredibly empowering,especially when they might be
feeling trapped or overwhelmed.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
It's like creating a sanctuary, a space where they
feel safe and in control.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
And that's got to be so important when they're
already dealing with so muchinternal turmoil.
Absolutely, and alongside thatstructural support, he also
highlights the importance ofcognitive support that fathers
can provide.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Okay, what does cognitive support look like in
this context?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
So it's about shifting the focus from what you
should do to what's possible.
So, instead of you know,dictating solutions, it's about
brainstorming possibilitiestogether, helping the child
explore different options andpaths they might take.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
So it's about empowering them to find their
own solutions, rather thanimposing our ideas on them.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Exactly.
It's about being a guide, not adictator, and, importantly,
speaker Nakashima encouragesfathers to maintain a long-term
perspective.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
That can be tough when you're right in the middle
of it.
When you're in the thick of it,it's easy to get caught up in
the day-to-day struggles.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
It's true, but he reminds fathers that this period
of Fotoko is not the end of theworld.
It's a detour, a chance forgrowth and exploration.
It's about trusting that thisexperience, however challenging
it may be, can ultimately leadto something positive.
It's about holding on to thathope even when things feel
really difficult, and that's apowerful message, not just for
(07:51):
fathers, but for anyone who'ssupporting a young person who's
going through a tough time.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Yeah, it's about believing in their ability to
overcome those challenges, youknow, ultimately find their own
path.
Okay, so we've talked aboutSpeaker Nakashima's advice for
fathers.
What about mothers?
What kind of support does hesuggest that they provide?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Well, he actually focuses a lot on reassurance,
recognizing that mothers oftenbear such a heavy emotional
burden when their children arestruggling.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, it's so easy for a mom to internalize it and
blame herself when her child isstruggling like that.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Absolutely.
It's a very natural response,but it can be incredibly
damaging, and so SpeakerNakashima really tries to
reframe Futoko, not as apersonal failing but as a
necessary transformation.
He compares it to a caterpillarin a cocoon.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Oh, that's so beautiful.
I love that analogy because youlook at this cocoon and it
seems lifeless.
You know from the outside, butinside there's this incredible
transformation happening thecaterpillar is completely
changing itself, getting readyto emerge as a butterfly.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
It's such a powerful reminder that sometimes the most
profound growth happens in thequietest, most hidden places,
and it just takes time.
We can't rush the process.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
So how can mothers help to create that cocoon of
support for their children whilethey're going through this
transformation?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, speaker Nakashima offers some really
practical advice here, and onething he talks about is the
power of simple things likeobserving the sky together.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Observing the sky together.
Okay, I'm intrigued.
I would have never thought ofthat.
What does that have to do withFutoko?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It's fascinating.
Actually, there's a lot ofscience behind it.
When you observe the sky, itactivates the prefrontal cortex,
which is the part of your brainthat's responsible for planning
, decision-making and emotionalregulation.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Oh, wow, okay.
So it's not just about you know, enjoying a peaceful moment
together.
It's actually helping the childto develop these essential
cognitive skills.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Exactly.
It's a chance for them toconnect, to share a moment of
peace and wonder, without anypressure or expectations.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It's about just being present in that moment,
enjoying each other's companyand letting go of all those
anxieties and worries.
I love that.
What other practical advicedoes he offer?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
He also emphasizes the importance of offering
choices, even small ones.
You know, letting the childdecide what to wear, what they
want to eat, how to spend theirfree time.
It might seem insignificant,but those little choices can
make a big difference.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
It's about giving them a sense of agency, you know
, a feeling that they have somecontrol over their lives, which
can be so empowering, especiallywhen they're feeling powerless
in other areas.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Exactly, and I think the most important piece of
advice he gives, the one thatreally stuck with me, is to
focus on affirming the child'sexistence, not just their
achievements.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
That's so powerful.
It's about saying you are lovedand valued just for being you,
not just you did a good job.
It's like shifting the focusfrom external validation to
internal worth.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
You're absolutely right.
It's about helping them tobuild that foundation of
self-love, that unshakable senseof worth, so that, even when
they're not performing orachieving, they still feel loved
and valued.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
It's a message that, honestly, we all need to hear,
right, Whether we'reexperiencing Futoko or not, and
you know we've talked a lotabout Speaker Nakashima's
perspective, but we also havethese letters that are addressed
directly to parents andstudents, which I think offers
such a unique window into thepersonal experiences of Futoko.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
They do.
They provide this raw,emotional look at what it feels
like for families and for theseyoung people to go through this
experience.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Yeah, let's start with the letter to parents.
I was really struck by howhonestly it acknowledges that
emotional roller coaster thatparents often go through when
their child is refusing to go toschool.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
It really captures that sense of worry, confusion,
even guilt, that parents mightfeel.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
It's like saying it's okay to feel all these things.
You're not alone in this.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Exactly.
It validates those feelingswhich is so important for
parents who might be feelingisolated and overwhelmed.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
But the letter doesn't just dwell on those
negative emotions.
It also offers a way forward,right Like a way to reframe
futoko, not as a personalfailing, but as a chance for
deeper connection andunderstanding within the family.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
It really encourages parents to shift their focus
from trying to fix their childto simply being there for them,
supporting them on their journey.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
And one of the key messages that I took away from
that letter is don't try toforce a solution.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
That's so crucial.
Trying to force a child backinto a situation that's causing
them distress can actually makethings worse.
It's like trying to force aflower to bloom before it's
ready.
It's just not going to work.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
It's about trusting the process, giving them the
time and space they need to healand to grow at their own pace.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And the letter gives some really practical advice for
how to do that.
You know little things thatparents can do every day to
nurture their child'sself-esteem and to help them
feel safe and supported.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Yeah, I loved this suggestion of creating what the
letter calls aself-determination zone within
the home.
Can you explain what that is?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
It's about giving the child some control over their
space, their schedule, theirbelongings.
You know the letter recommendsgiving them control over about
30 percent of their space.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
It's so interesting.
It's almost like an interiordesign principle for supporting
a child's well-being, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
It is, and it makes a lot of sense when you think
about it.
When you feel like you havesome control over your
surroundings, you're less likelyto feel trapped or overwhelmed.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
It's about creating that sense of safety and
stability, which is so essentialwhen they're already dealing
with so much, you know, internalturmoil, what, it also talks
about the importance of you know, engaging in creative
activities together, spendingtime in nature, establishing a
calm and predictable routine.
All those things that can helpto regulate emotions and create
(13:30):
a sense of peace and well-being.
It's not about fixing theproblem.
It's about creating anenvironment where healing can
happen.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Exactly, and I think one of the most powerful pieces
of advice is to focus onaffirming the child's existence,
not just their achievements.
It's about saying you are lovedand valued just for being you,
not just you did a good job.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Yeah, we touched on this earlier, but it's worth
repeating because it's such afundamental shift in perspective
.
It's about recognizing theirinherent worth, regardless of
their performance orachievements.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
It's about helping them build that unshakable
foundation of self-love thatwill carry them through life's
challenges.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
And this brings us to the letter that's specifically
addressed to fathers, and I wasstruck by how it really
acknowledges that unique rolethat fathers often play in the
family dynamic.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
It speaks directly to those dads who might be feeling
a bit lost, unsure of how tobest support their child through
this experience, and it almostseems to offer a more practical
strategic approach.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
I noticed that too.
It almost felt like astep-by-step guide for dads,
which I think can be reallyhelpful for those who prefer a
more action-oriented approach.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Yeah, it starts by, you know, explaining the
neuroscience behind Fotoko,emphasizing that it's not about
laziness or defiance.
You know, it's a biologicalresponse to stress.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
That understanding is key right, Because it takes
away the blame and shame that'soften associated with Futoko,
both for the child and for theparents.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Absolutely.
It reframes Futoko as aprotective mechanism.
It's a way for the child'sbrain to cope with this
overwhelming stress and once youunderstand that, it's so much
easier to approach the situationwith compassion and empathy.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
So once fathers understand the why behind
Fratoco, you know what actionsdoes the letter suggest that
they take.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Well, one of the first things it addresses is the
environment.
It talks about creating what itcalls self-determination zones
within the home.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
We talked about that a little bit earlier in the
context of the letter to parents.
Can you remind us what thatmeans?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
It's about giving the child some control over their
space.
You know their schedule, theirbelongings and the letter
actually recommends giving themcontrol over about 30% of their
space.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
It's interesting how specific that recommendation is.
I'm curious what are thebenefits of creating these
self-determination zones?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Well, when a child feels like they have some
control over their environment,they're less likely to feel
trapped or overwhelmed.
It can help to reduce anxietyand promote that sense of safety
and stability.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
So it's like giving them a sense of agency, you know
, within their own little world.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Exactly.
And alongside that structuralsupport, the letter also
emphasizes the importance ofcognitive support.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Okay, so what does that look like in practice?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
So it's about shifting the focus from what you
should do to what's possible.
So, instead of dictatingsolutions, it's about
brainstorming possibilitiestogether, helping the child
explore different options andpaths they might take.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
So, instead of telling them what to do, it's
about helping them figure outwhat they want to do and how
they can get there.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
It's about being a guide, not a dictator.
It's about empowering them tomake their own choices and find
solutions that work for them.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Which really ties back to that idea of
self-determination, doesn't it?
It's about giving them thetools and the confidence to
navigate their own journey.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Absolutely, and the letter also encourages fathers
to maintain a long-termperspective.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
That can be really tough when you're in the thick
of it right.
It's easy to get caught up inthose day-to-day struggles and
kind of lose sight of the biggerpicture.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
It's true, but the letter reminds fathers that this
period of Futoko, it's not theend of the world.
You know, it's a detour, achance for growth and
exploration, and it's abouttrusting that this experience,
however challenging it may be,can ultimately lead to something
positive.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
It's about saying hey , we're in this together and no
matter what path you choose,we'll be here to support you.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
You know, what I find so striking about this letter
is how it seamlessly blends thispractical advice with such
profound emotional intelligence.
I agree, it really speaks tothe heart of what it means to be
a supportive father, you know,to be strong and steady, but
also compassionate andunderstanding.
You know it encourages fathersto be present, to be patient and
to be that source of unwaveringlove and support.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Those are, honestly, qualities that any parent,
regardless of gender, can aspireto.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Exactly, and it reminds us that you know
parenthood.
It's not about having all theanswers.
It's about being there for yourchildren through thick and thin
.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
And what I find so beautiful about these letters is
that they offer this glimpseinto the deeply personal
experiences of families who arenavigating Fotoko, and they
remind us that behind thestatistics, you know, there are
real people with real emotions,and that compassion and
understanding are key.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
You're so right.
And they also highlight theincredible strength and
resilience of both the childrenwho are experiencing Fotoko and
the parents who are supportingthem on that journey, and it's a
powerful reminder that, even inthe face of adversity, there's
always hope and there's always apath forward.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, it's inspiring to see how these families have
kind of turned what could beseen as a crisis into an
opportunity for growth andconnection and you know we've
talked for those moms who arefeeling overwhelmed and maybe a
(18:43):
little uncertain, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
It acknowledges the weight that they often carry,
all the societal expectations,the guilt, the pressure to fix
things, and it gently reassuresthem that they're not alone and
that Fratoco is not a reflectionof their parenting.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
I think that's so crucial for mothers to hear.
You know it's so easy to fallinto that trap of self-blame
when your child is struggling.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
It's a natural response, but the letter does a
beautiful job of validatingthose feelings.
While gently guiding mothersaway from that self-blame, it
encourages them to see Frutokonot as a failure but as a
transformation.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
We talked about that caterpillar analogy earlier.
Does this letter use that aswell?
Speaker 2 (19:21):
It does it so beautifully illustrates how
something that appears dormanton the outside can actually be a
period of really intense growthand change.
You know, it reminds us thatprofound transformations often
happen in the quietest, mosthidden places.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
And that's where those daily acts of love and
connection become even moreimportant.
Right, it's about creating thatsafe and supportive cocoon
where the child can kind of healand grow at their own pace.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
Exactly, and the letter offers so many wonderful
suggestions for creating thatnurturing environment.
You know, encouraging mothersto create a calm and predictable
routine, to spend time innature, engage in creative
activities together.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
I was really touched by the emphasis on simply being
present, you know, justlistening without judgment,
offering words of encouragement,letting the child know that
they are loved and acceptedunconditionally.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
It's about shifting the focus from doing to being,
from trying to fix the problemto simply nurturing the
relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yeah, it's about creating that space where the
child feels safe enough to justbe themselves, without any
pressure to perform or toconform.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Right.
And the letter also encouragesmothers to prioritize their own
well-being.
You know, it reminds them thatself-care is not selfish, it's
essential.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Well, that is so important.
You can't pour from an emptycup, right?
If you're not taking care ofyourself, you can't effectively
care for others.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
It's like the oxygen mask on an airplane.
You know you have to put yourown mask on first before you can
help anyone else.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Such a good analogy and it's a good reminder that
you know modelingself-compassion for our children
is just as important as showingthem compassion.
Absolutely it creates thisculture of care within the
family, a space where everyonefeels safe and supported to, you
know, nurture their ownwell-being.
It's amazing to see how all ofthese sources you know, from the
(21:05):
expert speeches to these reallypersonal letters kind of weave
together this tapestry ofunderstanding and support for
Fotoko.
This deep dive has definitelychallenged my own perception of
you know what school refusalreally means.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
It's so much more nuanced and complex than just
refusing to go to school, isn'tit?
It's about understanding thoseunderlying reasons, the
emotional and biological factorsthat are at play.
It's about seeing Futoko not asa problem to be solved, but as
a journey to be navigated withcompassion and understanding and
a whole lot of love.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
And it's a reminder that you know, the definition of
success doesn't have to belinear.
Sometimes it's about taking adetour, exploring different
paths and discovering our ownunique way of being in the world
.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
And what I think is so remarkable is how all of
these sources highlight thatincredible resilience of the
human spirit.
You know, even in the face ofreally immense challenges,
there's always hope, there'salways a path forward, even if
it looks different than what weexpected, there's always a path
forward, even if it looksdifferent than what we expected.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
You know, if you're listening to this and you're
personally experiencing Fotoko,or if you're supporting someone
who is, or even if you're justcurious about this phenomenon,
remember this You're not alone.
There is support available andthere is a path forward.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
It might not be easy, but it's a journey worth taking
.
Who knows, maybe those detours,those seemingly unconventional
paths, will ultimately lead tosomething even more beautiful
and fulfilling than we couldhave imagined.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
That's a beautiful thought to end on.
Thanks for joining us on thisdeep dive into Fotoko.
We hope you found it insightfuland thought-provoking, as we
did, and until next time, keepexploring, keep learning and
keep diving deep.
Welcome to another deep dive where we like to go a
little deeper with our topic.
Today we're looking at futokoin Japan, which is school
refusal, and we're going to belooking at it from a bunch of
different angles.
We have speeches from experts,we have letters that are written
to parents, we have letterswritten to educators, and we
even have messages to thestudents themselves.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Yeah, it's really interesting how all these
different sources kind of comeat this topic from their own
unique perspective.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Yeah, and the thing that's really got me intrigued
about this deep dive is that,instead of looking at Futoko as
a problem, we're going to belooking at it as, like a
protective response.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Maybe even like a chance for growth.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Yeah, it's really fascinating to see how all these
sources are encouraging us tolook at Futoko not as defiance
or laziness but to really likelook a little bit deeper.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
OK, so before we get too far into this, can you give
us a sense of just howwidespread is Futoko in Japan?
Like, how big of an issue arewe talking about?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Yeah, so one of our experts, Speaker Nakajima.
He points out that there areover 240,000 students who are
absent for 30 days or more.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Wow, ok, so that's a significant number.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Right, and he's really arguing that this isn't
just kids choosing to skipschool or something like that.
He talks about something calledenvironmental adaptation,
energy.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
It was that.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Yeah, so he kind of describes it like a battery
that's run dry, almost like anecessary shutdown to like
conserve energy.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Oh, interesting.
Ok, that makes sense.
I'm thinking about the birdcageanalogy he uses to explain this
.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Can you walk us through that?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, so imagine a bird that's trapped in a cage
Right, and at first it's goingto be, you know, frantically
trying to escape and bangingaround, and then eventually it
just becomes still.
But that doesn't mean that thebird has lost hope, it's just
preserving its strength.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
OK.
So it's like it's not giving up, it's like a survival tactic.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Exactly, and Speaker Nakashima is saying that futoko
can be a very similar act ofself-preservation.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
That's powerful.
And it's not just a theoryeither.
Right, there's actualneuroscience that backs up this
idea.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Absolutely yeah, there's research that shows that
students experiencing futokooften have overactivity in their
amygdala.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Okay, can you break that down a little bit for us,
Like what is the amygdala andwhy is that significant?
Speaker 2 (02:08):
So the amygdala is the part of your brain that's
responsible for processing fear,and so when this is overactive,
it means they're basicallyperceiving threats all the time
that other people might not evennotice.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Oh, so they're just constantly in this heightened
state of anxiety.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Exactly Like.
Imagine going through your dayfeeling like you're constantly
in danger.
It's exhausting, and sowithdrawing from school can be a
way of protecting themselvesfrom that overwhelming stress.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
It makes sense that they would need to withdraw to
regain their strength, and thisis where I think Speaker
Nakashima's tree ofself-affirmation comes in right.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yes, exactly, he uses this really cool image of a
tree to explain all thedifferent aspects of
self-affirmation.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Okay, I love a good analogy.
So walk us through this tree.
How does it work?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
So you can think of your own self-affirmation like a
tree.
So first you have to look atthe roots.
Are the roots of yourself-esteem strong?
Are they healthy?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Okay, so the roots are self-esteem, which is
knowing your worth.
I got it.
What about the trunk?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
The trunk is your self-acceptance, so it's about
being okay with who you are,just as you are.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I love that, and then the branches, I'm assuming.
The branches are self-efficacy,which is like your belief in
your ability to handlechallenges that come your way.
Okay, so it's like how wellequipped are you to deal with
whatever life throws at you andthe leaves.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
The leaves represent self-confidence, so that's about
trusting your own judgment.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Okay, so you have a strong foundation, you believe
in yourself, you trust yourdecisions, and then we get to
the flowers.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
Right.
The flowers representself-determination, which is
your ability to choose your ownpath.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
So it's like being the author of your own life,
basically, and the food of allthis.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
The fruit is self-worth.
It's the feeling that youcontribute to the world around
you.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
This is a really powerful image, and so how does
this tree analogy relate back tofutoko?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Speaker Nakashima argues that futoko often stems
from weakened roots and a trunkthat's not very strong, so it's
a lack of foundationalself-esteem and self-acceptance.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
That's like if you try to grow a tree in bad soil
or without enough water, it'snot going to thrive.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Exactly, and so supporting these students really
involves helping them tostrengthen those core elements
of self-affirmation.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
That makes a lot of sense.
So how do we approachsupporting these students, then?
One thing that I was reallystruck by was this shift from
rescuing to accompanying that Isaw in a lot of these sources.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthat?
Speaker 2 (04:30):
It is a really crucial shift in perspective.
Instead of viewing Futoko assomething that needs to be fixed
right away, it's about being asupportive presence on their
journey, allowing them to kindof heal and grow at their own
pace, and Speaker Nakashima usesanother great analogy here he
talks about trees in winter.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
I love that, because trees, in winter they look
dormant, they look lifelessalmost.
But underneath there's so muchgoing on.
They're preparing for spring,they're getting ready for a
whole new season of growth.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Right, and it's about trusting that process,
recognizing that, even though wemight not see outward progress,
there's a lot happening beneaththe surface.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
So how do we create that supportive environment for
these students?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Speaker Nakashima suggests that simply creating a
safe space where just beingpresent is enough can be
incredibly powerful.
Just think about it no judgment, no pressure to perform, just
unconditional acceptance.
That in itself can beincredibly healing.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
It's like saying, hey , it's okay to just be be.
You don't have to do anythingto prove your worth.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Right.
And along with that acceptance,it's about resisting the urge
to force progress and insteadcelebrating those small everyday
wins that build self-efficacy.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Oh, that's so important, because what might
seem like a tiny step to oneperson could be a huge victory
for someone struggling withFotoko.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Exactly, and it's about recognizing and honoring
their efforts, no matter howsmall they might seem.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
OK, and I know the speaker in Akashima also offers
more specific advice that'stailored to different groups.
He even breaks it down byparents, right.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yes, he actually specifically addresses fathers
and mothers, acknowledging thedifferent roles they often play
in the family dynamic.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
OK, that's interesting.
So what kind of support does hesuggest that fathers provide?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
He talks about providing what he calls
structural support, and oneexample he gives is giving
children some control over theirpersonal space.
Did you know that giving themabout 30% control can actually
promote self-regulation?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Wow, I didn't know that.
That's really interesting.
It's almost like anarchitectural concept, like
designing a space to support achild's well-being.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
It's really fascinating, isn't it?
And it makes sense when youthink about it.
Having a sense of ownershipover your environment can be
incredibly empowering,especially when they might be
feeling trapped or overwhelmed.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
It's like creating a sanctuary, a space where they
feel safe and in control.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
And that's got to be so important when they're
already dealing with so muchinternal turmoil.
Absolutely, and alongside thatstructural support, he also
highlights the importance ofcognitive support that fathers
can provide.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Okay, what does cognitive support look like in
this context?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
So it's about shifting the focus from what you
should do to what's possible.
So, instead of you know,dictating solutions, it's about
brainstorming possibilitiestogether, helping the child
explore different options andpaths they might take.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
So it's about empowering them to find their
own solutions, rather thanimposing our ideas on them.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Exactly.
It's about being a guide, not adictator, and, importantly,
speaker Nakashima encouragesfathers to maintain a long-term
perspective.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
That can be tough when you're right in the middle
of it.
When you're in the thick of it,it's easy to get caught up in
the day-to-day struggles.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
It's true, but he reminds fathers that this period
of Fotoko is not the end of theworld.
It's a detour, a chance forgrowth and exploration.
It's about trusting that thisexperience, however challenging
it may be, can ultimately leadto something positive.
It's about holding on to thathope even when things feel
really difficult, and that's apowerful message, not just for
(07:51):
fathers, but for anyone who'ssupporting a young person who's
going through a tough time.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Yeah, it's about believing in their ability to
overcome those challenges, youknow, ultimately find their own
path.
Okay, so we've talked aboutSpeaker Nakashima's advice for
fathers.
What about mothers?
What kind of support does hesuggest that they provide?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Well, he actually focuses a lot on reassurance,
recognizing that mothers oftenbear such a heavy emotional
burden when their children arestruggling.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, it's so easy for a mom to internalize it and
blame herself when her child isstruggling like that.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Absolutely.
It's a very natural response,but it can be incredibly
damaging, and so SpeakerNakashima really tries to
reframe Futoko, not as apersonal failing but as a
necessary transformation.
He compares it to a caterpillarin a cocoon.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Oh, that's so beautiful.
I love that analogy because youlook at this cocoon and it
seems lifeless.
You know from the outside, butinside there's this incredible
transformation happening thecaterpillar is completely
changing itself, getting readyto emerge as a butterfly.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
It's such a powerful reminder that sometimes the most
profound growth happens in thequietest, most hidden places,
and it just takes time.
We can't rush the process.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
So how can mothers help to create that cocoon of
support for their children whilethey're going through this
transformation?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, speaker Nakashima offers some really
practical advice here, and onething he talks about is the
power of simple things likeobserving the sky together.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Observing the sky together.
Okay, I'm intrigued.
I would have never thought ofthat.
What does that have to do withFutoko?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It's fascinating.
Actually, there's a lot ofscience behind it.
When you observe the sky, itactivates the prefrontal cortex,
which is the part of your brainthat's responsible for planning
, decision-making and emotionalregulation.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Oh, wow, okay.
So it's not just about you know, enjoying a peaceful moment
together.
It's actually helping the childto develop these essential
cognitive skills.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Exactly.
It's a chance for them toconnect, to share a moment of
peace and wonder, without anypressure or expectations.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It's about just being present in that moment,
enjoying each other's companyand letting go of all those
anxieties and worries.
I love that.
What other practical advicedoes he offer?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
He also emphasizes the importance of offering
choices, even small ones.
You know, letting the childdecide what to wear, what they
want to eat, how to spend theirfree time.
It might seem insignificant,but those little choices can
make a big difference.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
It's about giving them a sense of agency, you know
, a feeling that they have somecontrol over their lives, which
can be so empowering, especiallywhen they're feeling powerless
in other areas.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Exactly, and I think the most important piece of
advice he gives, the one thatreally stuck with me, is to
focus on affirming the child'sexistence, not just their
achievements.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
That's so powerful.
It's about saying you are lovedand valued just for being you,
not just you did a good job.
It's like shifting the focusfrom external validation to
internal worth.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
You're absolutely right.
It's about helping them tobuild that foundation of
self-love, that unshakable senseof worth, so that, even when
they're not performing orachieving, they still feel loved
and valued.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
It's a message that, honestly, we all need to hear,
right, Whether we'reexperiencing Futoko or not, and
you know we've talked a lotabout Speaker Nakashima's
perspective, but we also havethese letters that are addressed
directly to parents andstudents, which I think offers
such a unique window into thepersonal experiences of Futoko.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
They do.
They provide this raw,emotional look at what it feels
like for families and for theseyoung people to go through this
experience.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Yeah, let's start with the letter to parents.
I was really struck by howhonestly it acknowledges that
emotional roller coaster thatparents often go through when
their child is refusing to go toschool.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
It really captures that sense of worry, confusion,
even guilt, that parents mightfeel.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
It's like saying it's okay to feel all these things.
You're not alone in this.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Exactly.
It validates those feelingswhich is so important for
parents who might be feelingisolated and overwhelmed.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
But the letter doesn't just dwell on those
negative emotions.
It also offers a way forward,right Like a way to reframe
futoko, not as a personalfailing, but as a chance for
deeper connection andunderstanding within the family.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
It really encourages parents to shift their focus
from trying to fix their childto simply being there for them,
supporting them on their journey.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
And one of the key messages that I took away from
that letter is don't try toforce a solution.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
That's so crucial.
Trying to force a child backinto a situation that's causing
them distress can actually makethings worse.
It's like trying to force aflower to bloom before it's
ready.
It's just not going to work.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
It's about trusting the process, giving them the
time and space they need to healand to grow at their own pace.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And the letter gives some really practical advice for
how to do that.
You know little things thatparents can do every day to
nurture their child'sself-esteem and to help them
feel safe and supported.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Yeah, I loved this suggestion of creating what the
letter calls aself-determination zone within
the home.
Can you explain what that is?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
It's about giving the child some control over their
space, their schedule, theirbelongings.
You know the letter recommendsgiving them control over about
30 percent of their space.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
It's so interesting.
It's almost like an interiordesign principle for supporting
a child's well-being, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
It is, and it makes a lot of sense when you think
about it.
When you feel like you havesome control over your
surroundings, you're less likelyto feel trapped or overwhelmed.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
It's about creating that sense of safety and
stability, which is so essentialwhen they're already dealing
with so much, you know, internalturmoil, what, it also talks
about the importance of you know, engaging in creative
activities together, spendingtime in nature, establishing a
calm and predictable routine.
All those things that can helpto regulate emotions and create
(13:30):
a sense of peace and well-being.
It's not about fixing theproblem.
It's about creating anenvironment where healing can
happen.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Exactly, and I think one of the most powerful pieces
of advice is to focus onaffirming the child's existence,
not just their achievements.
It's about saying you are lovedand valued just for being you,
not just you did a good job.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Yeah, we touched on this earlier, but it's worth
repeating because it's such afundamental shift in perspective
.
It's about recognizing theirinherent worth, regardless of
their performance orachievements.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
It's about helping them build that unshakable
foundation of self-love thatwill carry them through life's
challenges.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
And this brings us to the letter that's specifically
addressed to fathers, and I wasstruck by how it really
acknowledges that unique rolethat fathers often play in the
family dynamic.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
It speaks directly to those dads who might be feeling
a bit lost, unsure of how tobest support their child through
this experience, and it almostseems to offer a more practical
strategic approach.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
I noticed that too.
It almost felt like astep-by-step guide for dads,
which I think can be reallyhelpful for those who prefer a
more action-oriented approach.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Yeah, it starts by, you know, explaining the
neuroscience behind Fotoko,emphasizing that it's not about
laziness or defiance.
You know, it's a biologicalresponse to stress.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
That understanding is key right, Because it takes
away the blame and shame that'soften associated with Futoko,
both for the child and for theparents.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Absolutely.
It reframes Futoko as aprotective mechanism.
It's a way for the child'sbrain to cope with this
overwhelming stress and once youunderstand that, it's so much
easier to approach the situationwith compassion and empathy.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
So once fathers understand the why behind
Fratoco, you know what actionsdoes the letter suggest that
they take.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Well, one of the first things it addresses is the
environment.
It talks about creating what itcalls self-determination zones
within the home.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
We talked about that a little bit earlier in the
context of the letter to parents.
Can you remind us what thatmeans?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
It's about giving the child some control over their
space.
You know their schedule, theirbelongings and the letter
actually recommends giving themcontrol over about 30% of their
space.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
It's interesting how specific that recommendation is.
I'm curious what are thebenefits of creating these
self-determination zones?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Well, when a child feels like they have some
control over their environment,they're less likely to feel
trapped or overwhelmed.
It can help to reduce anxietyand promote that sense of safety
and stability.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
So it's like giving them a sense of agency, you know
, within their own little world.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Exactly.
And alongside that structuralsupport, the letter also
emphasizes the importance ofcognitive support.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Okay, so what does that look like in practice?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
So it's about shifting the focus from what you
should do to what's possible.
So, instead of dictatingsolutions, it's about
brainstorming possibilitiestogether, helping the child
explore different options andpaths they might take.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
So, instead of telling them what to do, it's
about helping them figure outwhat they want to do and how
they can get there.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
It's about being a guide, not a dictator.
It's about empowering them tomake their own choices and find
solutions that work for them.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Which really ties back to that idea of
self-determination, doesn't it?
It's about giving them thetools and the confidence to
navigate their own journey.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Absolutely, and the letter also encourages fathers
to maintain a long-termperspective.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
That can be really tough when you're in the thick
of it right.
It's easy to get caught up inthose day-to-day struggles and
kind of lose sight of the biggerpicture.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
It's true, but the letter reminds fathers that this
period of Futoko, it's not theend of the world.
You know, it's a detour, achance for growth and
exploration, and it's abouttrusting that this experience,
however challenging it may be,can ultimately lead to something
positive.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
It's about saying hey , we're in this together and no
matter what path you choose,we'll be here to support you.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
You know, what I find so striking about this letter
is how it seamlessly blends thispractical advice with such
profound emotional intelligence.
I agree, it really speaks tothe heart of what it means to be
a supportive father, you know,to be strong and steady, but
also compassionate andunderstanding.
You know it encourages fathersto be present, to be patient and
to be that source of unwaveringlove and support.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Those are, honestly, qualities that any parent,
regardless of gender, can aspireto.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Exactly, and it reminds us that you know
parenthood.
It's not about having all theanswers.
It's about being there for yourchildren through thick and thin
.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
And what I find so beautiful about these letters is
that they offer this glimpseinto the deeply personal
experiences of families who arenavigating Fotoko, and they
remind us that behind thestatistics, you know, there are
real people with real emotions,and that compassion and
understanding are key.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
You're so right.
And they also highlight theincredible strength and
resilience of both the childrenwho are experiencing Fotoko and
the parents who are supportingthem on that journey, and it's a
powerful reminder that, even inthe face of adversity, there's
always hope and there's always apath forward.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, it's inspiring to see how these families have
kind of turned what could beseen as a crisis into an
opportunity for growth andconnection and you know we've
talked for those moms who arefeeling overwhelmed and maybe a
(18:43):
little uncertain, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
It acknowledges the weight that they often carry,
all the societal expectations,the guilt, the pressure to fix
things, and it gently reassuresthem that they're not alone and
that Fratoco is not a reflectionof their parenting.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
I think that's so crucial for mothers to hear.
You know it's so easy to fallinto that trap of self-blame
when your child is struggling.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
It's a natural response, but the letter does a
beautiful job of validatingthose feelings.
While gently guiding mothersaway from that self-blame, it
encourages them to see Frutokonot as a failure but as a
transformation.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
We talked about that caterpillar analogy earlier.
Does this letter use that aswell?
Speaker 2 (19:21):
It does it so beautifully illustrates how
something that appears dormanton the outside can actually be a
period of really intense growthand change.
You know, it reminds us thatprofound transformations often
happen in the quietest, mosthidden places.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
And that's where those daily acts of love and
connection become even moreimportant.
Right, it's about creating thatsafe and supportive cocoon
where the child can kind of healand grow at their own pace.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
Exactly, and the letter offers so many wonderful
suggestions for creating thatnurturing environment.
You know, encouraging mothersto create a calm and predictable
routine, to spend time innature, engage in creative
activities together.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
I was really touched by the emphasis on simply being
present, you know, justlistening without judgment,
offering words of encouragement,letting the child know that
they are loved and acceptedunconditionally.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
It's about shifting the focus from doing to being,
from trying to fix the problemto simply nurturing the
relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yeah, it's about creating that space where the
child feels safe enough to justbe themselves, without any
pressure to perform or toconform.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Right.
And the letter also encouragesmothers to prioritize their own
well-being.
You know, it reminds them thatself-care is not selfish, it's
essential.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Well, that is so important.
You can't pour from an emptycup, right?
If you're not taking care ofyourself, you can't effectively
care for others.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
It's like the oxygen mask on an airplane.
You know you have to put yourown mask on first before you can
help anyone else.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Such a good analogy and it's a good reminder that
you know modelingself-compassion for our children
is just as important as showingthem compassion.
Absolutely it creates thisculture of care within the
family, a space where everyonefeels safe and supported to, you
know, nurture their ownwell-being.
It's amazing to see how all ofthese sources you know, from the
(21:05):
expert speeches to these reallypersonal letters kind of weave
together this tapestry ofunderstanding and support for
Fotoko.
This deep dive has definitelychallenged my own perception of
you know what school refusalreally means.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
It's so much more nuanced and complex than just
refusing to go to school, isn'tit?
It's about understanding thoseunderlying reasons, the
emotional and biological factorsthat are at play.
It's about seeing Futoko not asa problem to be solved, but as
a journey to be navigated withcompassion and understanding and
a whole lot of love.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
And it's a reminder that you know, the definition of
success doesn't have to belinear.
Sometimes it's about taking adetour, exploring different
paths and discovering our ownunique way of being in the world
.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
And what I think is so remarkable is how all of
these sources highlight thatincredible resilience of the
human spirit.
You know, even in the face ofreally immense challenges,
there's always hope, there'salways a path forward, even if
it looks different than what weexpected, there's always a path
forward, even if it looksdifferent than what we expected.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
You know, if you're listening to this and you're
personally experiencing Fotoko,or if you're supporting someone
who is, or even if you're justcurious about this phenomenon,
remember this You're not alone.
There is support available andthere is a path forward.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
It might not be easy, but it's a journey worth taking
.
Who knows, maybe those detours,those seemingly unconventional
paths, will ultimately lead tosomething even more beautiful
and fulfilling than we couldhave imagined.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
That's a beautiful thought to end on.
Thanks for joining us on thisdeep dive into Fotoko.
We hope you found it insightfuland thought-provoking, as we
did, and until next time, keepexploring, keep learning and
keep diving deep.
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