Addiction with a Side of Coffee

Summary: The conversation revolves around addiction, specifically sex addiction and drug addiction. The hosts and guest share personal experiences and discuss the challenges and stigma associated with addiction. They also touch on the lack of lighthearted stories about addiction and the importance of self-acceptance and self-worth in recovery. In this conversation, the hosts discuss their experiences with extreme and taboo content, such as violent films and disturbing videos. They also explore their personal wounds and how they manifest in their sexual preferences and behaviors. The conversation touches on topics like BDSM, consent, and the importance of self-worth. The hosts emphasize the need for empathy and understanding in discussing and exploring different sexual preferences and experiences.

Takeaways:

• Addiction can manifest in various forms, including sex addiction and drug addiction.
• There is a lack of lighthearted stories about addiction, particularly sex addiction.
• Shame and stigma are common challenges faced by individuals with addiction.
• Self-acceptance and self-worth are crucial in the recovery process.
• Addiction can impact relationships and lead to destructive behaviors.
• The hosts and guest share personal experiences and provide support and understanding for one another. Exposure to extreme and taboo content can have a lasting impact on individuals, leading to potential psychological harm.
• Childhood wounds and experiences can shape one's sexual preferences and behaviors, including the attraction to misogynistic partners.
• Therapy, self-reflection, and self-worth work are essential in healing from past traumas and developing healthier relationships.
• Open and non-judgmental communication is crucial in exploring and understanding different sexual preferences and experiences.
• Empathy and understanding are necessary when discussing and exploring extreme or taboo sexual content.

Sound Bites

• "I'm a balding bitch and it's great."
• "I woke up in a bush and I have no idea what language the roadsides are in."
• "Ma'am, this is a drugstore makeup subreddit?"
• "You know, where you start going down into, for some people go down into some rabbit holes that are really fucking dark and really, really morally wrong, you know?"
• "I stumbled across the video of Saddam's hanging. And that is like a little bit of psychic damage that happened."
• "Take this spatula and spank my little bottom."

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Ah, that's more than me.

(00:02):
Yeah.
I need much more less.
Yes.
Here you go.
Whitney.
How you doing?
Oh, man.
Welcome.
Welcome to the bisexual coffee.
Welcome to bisexual coffee.
Welcome back.
It's only $7.00.
It won't bring to bed.
I love it.
I love it so much.
I give it to all my friends.

(00:23):
Yeah, welcome back.
Hey.
It's good to be back here.
Definitely.
Yeah.
You're so natural.
Thank you.
I like you behind the camera.
You're intoxicating, both of you.
I'm just loving looking at your mugs.
Hey, thanks.
I'm your hippie grandmother.
I decided to forego the hat today to let everybody know that, you know, in solidarity, I am a

(00:47):
balding bitch and it's great.
And I don't have to worry about sweating from the scalp because there's less up here holding
in the heat.
I have no idea.
I laid out and I got all my bits and pieces sunburned.
My hoo-ha and my ass, both of them.
Okay.
Good for you.
You're just butt-jugging the sun.
I'm proud of you.
I feel like bacon.
How bacon must feel after it's been fried.

(01:10):
Salty and a little greasy.
That's true.
I'm sizzling, of course.
Can't forget that.
You know the fat.
It cooks first.
Yes.
Yeah, there you go.
Sorry.
Okay.
What are we talking about today?
Well, we were going to wind into addiction.
Is that okay with you, Sydney?

(01:31):
Yeah.
I talk about it all the time.
I mean, it's present with me every day of my life and Mr. LeBlanc, he's going to be
our guidance counselor.
Yeah.
At the very least, I'm going to be filling in the spaces in between.
We're like questions, you know, just kind of like going on because my addiction is,
I mean, it's less dare to say glamorous, but I mean, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's

(01:54):
it's starch and video games.
So I mean, like as long as I, as long as I eat right and, you know, turn off the Xbox
every once in a while, I'm good, but I will say video game addiction can be pretty heavy
for me, but it's not one that like ruins my life.
Like I've, I still have like a pretty decent life balance if the video, if the Xbox claims
my life for like one day, you know, whereas I've heard that, you know,

(02:20):
like you have a little hours and you have a bucket that you just kind of aim and, you
know, I've done it.
Look, that was the longest.
No, that was the shortest addiction I ever had was video games.
And it was Sonic the hedgehog.
And I swear to God, I had a pile of snacks.

(02:41):
I had a jug of wine and I was determined to conquer your planks.
You're playing Sonic inebriated.
That's, that's a, that is, that's a goal now.
That's a goal.
That's what I need.
Of course I can't really get drunk anymore.
The diabetes won't let me do it anymore.
But yeah, that's okay.

(03:02):
It's all right.
I just keep telling myself, I don't miss being drunk and we'll be okay.
I'll drink coffee instead.
How about that?
That's fine.
That is fine.
So I'm going to say that this will be like, you can drive this one, you know, I'll jump
in every once in a while.
You know, I'll be here for the conversation.
Did you read it?
Did you find a couple of things?
Oh yeah, I've got a couple of things.
That's right.
We were going to start off with it.

(03:23):
Thank you so much for reminding me.
Yeah, I'm staring.
Remember, you are.
You're doing a great job.
This is for us.
This is just kind of breaking the ice and get the flow happen.
All right.
So let me, let me say this, and this may be a state is kind of where we are as a human
race.
You know, I find stories that pertain to your addiction in kind of a lighter tone and almost

(03:49):
everything I found was laced with so much anger, shame.
Whereas when I tried to find addictions that rotate anywhere around drug use, so many light
and funny stories that, you know, have a under underlining thing of like, there's a serious
problem here, but you know, I made it.
I'm alive.
I found that to be such a like a dichotomous type situation where I was looking at two

(04:12):
sides of the coin simultaneously, like both sides were addiction, but one was just like
severely darker than the other and could not for life of me.
Like I specifically tried to find hijinks and around stories.
I bet you did.
Yeah.
The closest I could get is if I read choke by choke Palinoke.
That's about as close as I can get.
We don't have time to read a whole book right now.

(04:34):
I'm so sorry.
I wish I could find something to represent you more, but I was not going to start on
a down note today with that.
So know that there are a lot of people out there who still live in shame when it comes
to that.
However, if we're talking about drug use, so this one right here comes from ask UK.
So somebody over there in Europe and it was just what's your funny drug related story.

(04:55):
So they were actually asking for stories in the comments.
They didn't have one to give.
And this one, it looked like it was written as a conversation.
The more I saw it, I realized it was just how they wrote it.
So a lot of like sentences just back to back.
So we used to run a small event in Milton keys UK.
We booked a fairly large trance guy who I have multiple records from have a lot of respect

(05:17):
for the man halfway through a set.
I'm adjusting a compressor up behind the decks and he's down there behind the decks with
me.
Where is it?
Where the fuck is it?
Mate, I've got literally all the tunes on CD.
What do you need?
No, not that.
Here it is.
And the guy empties out a gram of cocaine on the shelf underneath the decks, sniffs half
of it and just hands me 500 euro note.

(05:37):
Well, when in Rome, I sniffed the lot.
The next thing I know, it's Monday.
I'm in a bush and I'm in Belgium.
I had to call my boss to tell them I'm not in work.
Mate, I'm not going to be in today.
Really?
Why?
You're not on the sofa somewhere.
Are you?
Complete silence followed by I woke up in a bush and I have no idea what language the
road sides are in.
Thankfully, the first Belgium place I walked into, they said, Dan, where you been?

(06:01):
You've been out for a smoke three hours ago.
So they had an adventure.
That's awesome.
Yeah, that is.
I don't know if you could top that.
That's pretty great.
That one, that one was a pretty good one.
And then I saw this one and I'm like, this one, the final line and it really made it
for me.
This says it's an actually funny drug story.

(06:22):
Good title.
So I just remembered this and thought it was funny and decided to share here.
This was shared to r slash addiction.
So back when I was using, I was really addicted to fentanyl, the blue M30 pills.
And that was the only kind of fentanyl I liked.
Nothing else did it other than those.
And all of our plugs were completely out.
So I hit up one of our old plugs and it was like, he had the blue 15 pills.

(06:44):
Never heard of 15s before and he couldn't specify if they were eating fentanyl.
Anyway, so on the drive to the plugs, I've tried to see if anyone on Reddit knew where
they knew if they were morphine or fentanyl or if you can even smoke them.
I wasn't a big Reddit user at the time.
So I didn't know how to post the question, so I just typed in drug into the group immediately
popped up to drugstore.
So I clicked on that one and said, does anyone know if blue 15 pills are fentanyl or morphine

(07:06):
and can you smoke them?
Since they're 15, they're probably not potent enough to make to smoke anyone know.
Within two minutes, I got the comment, ma'am, this is a drugstore makeup subreddit.
Oh my God.
The equivalent of going, excuse me, we are in a Wendy's right now.
And you, can you please calm down?
Oh my God.
So I'm telling you, like the availability of like funny drugstories, you know, like

(07:30):
a little, a little sad, a little real, a little funny because they're all situational.
You would think that with sex, especially with somebody who's comfortable with it and
comfortable with who they are, it would be comfortable telling stories of like feeding
the addiction in like a weird place and hitting college or something like that.
I couldn't even find any of those.
You know, because of religion, I'll just say it.

(07:51):
I mean, I was thinking that very thing.
Sydney knows we've, we both endured that same kind of environment.
Okay.
My parents were a part of a Baptist cult.
And when I say we were groomed to please men from the very time from when we were very
small and I felt guilt and shame for such a long time.

(08:15):
And it's recently that I've like, I just, I am who I am.
I like what I like.
I do what I do.
I had to let go and not be angry at myself anymore and not look religion.
Sure.
It's a belief.
I don't have to believe it and I don't have to live by it.
We have that choice.
I don't have to beat myself up over it.

(08:36):
Yeah.
I don't have to do any of that anymore.
I'm in a calm, quiet environment.
I'm with a person who wants me here.
Okay.
I mean, and I've got, I've got a family that I.
Put together.
I'm so grateful to be here with you all.
I mean, I see your faces.
I have such love for you and I'm here.

(09:00):
I'm 55 years old.
Think of all the shit I've been through.
I mean, just kind of go like, what could an addict, a sex addict possibly do in 55 years?
A lot.
A lot.
Well, I just think it's, it's weird that I couldn't find any more like more lighthearted
or, or at least like cautionary tale, at least stories on Reddit because like you can find

(09:26):
anything.
You should find drugstore reddits, you know?
Well, look, but I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe it's just, maybe in the hour that I dug around, I just, I just was digging in
the wrong spot.
Who needs those?
When I.
Maybe, maybe it was.
And maybe they were too.
But I feel like maybe, you know, you guys can speak on it.

(09:49):
A little bit more.
Do you have any experience with like a sex addiction or, I mean, because watch your videos.
Listen, you will talk about, like you'll have exploding volcanoes and things and be thinking
about your ex.
Oh yeah.
It's all that one.
So there's, I mean, for me, there's like my, my specific drug addiction also came with

(10:14):
this specific sex addiction.
I mean, that's like methamphetamines and sex are kind of like very hand and hand stuff.
And there's, you know, obviously stuff I can't talk about on TikTok versus, you know, a podcast.
But here.
Yeah.
Here I can.
Yeah.
There's, I never, like I've got outside of the drug addiction, there's a weird different
face to the sex addiction that I do have.

(10:35):
It's not necessarily like a, I have to have it type thing.
But because of the stuff that happened to me as a kid, a, if I don't have someone who's
sexually interested in me, or if I'm not like seeking out that sex, then it tanks my self-worth
and self-value.
Like I just don't feel like I'm worth anything because the people who were supposed to be
there nurturing me and taking care of me, or like, you know, being there for me is in

(10:56):
like a, the capacity that they were, they only wanted me around when it came to sex.
So there's, there's that weird, almost darkness that comes with it.
That's really hard to make funny without really offending people.
But when it comes to the drug addiction, yeah.
I mean, like I've cheated on partners, I've had the hypersexuality and it just ramped
up with the ADHD anyway.

(11:17):
There's stuff that I've done that has dishonored myself and made me not, not a good person
in any way, shape or form, you know?
I didn't do anything like super, like, morally wrong, you know what I mean?
But like, there's, there's some stuff that, that, you know, I'm just not proud of.
And I ended up prostituting for a while for, you know, my drug addiction and also for the

(11:39):
sex addiction itself too, you know, so when it comes to the drug addiction, there's that
acceptance with it.
But when it comes to sex, especially here in the U S, I think it's, you're not finding
that kind of funnier content with it because one is the U S view sex as very shameful and
very guiltful, especially when we're such a mainstream Christian nation, you know,

(12:00):
good points, good point.
And the second one is, and I know I'm ripping up a joke from that tick tock I saw, you can't
really tell someone that you've been molested by multiple people and have the jerk joke
turnaround of like, well, okay, who is your favorite one?
You know, and people laugh about that.
You're right.
You're right.
That's it.
You can't help it.
I mean, you've got to find the humor in it, especially when it's happened to you.

(12:23):
Yeah.
I mean, it's happened to me and it happened in our church by the deacons in our church.
And my 82 year old father has said to me, if I knew about it, I would have done something.
And that's just not true because he did know about it and he didn't do anything.

(12:44):
So, you know, I mean, but I don't harbor any resentment, a resentment towards my father
for that.
It's the world we live in, man.
I'm telling you, you've got some people who sneak behind the curtains and do it.
And some people who do it in front of the curtains, I'm one of the people that do it
in front of the curtains with lights on me.

(13:05):
I'm like, I'm not hiding.
Yeah, look at me.
That's how I am.
My ass hole and everything.
It works.
It's great.
That's true.
So, you had the closest thing.
Sorry.
You couldn't help it.
So, you had the closest thing that I found that was like a light story was kind of a

(13:27):
more exploratory instead of like shame.
They were using more like why was this person this way?
And it was a PT teacher and he also taught a little bit of band and whatnot.
I mean, he was just like this exemplary member of community as far as anybody could tell.
But nobody knew that on his weekends, he would get undressed in the car in the back of this

(13:48):
apartment complex and just walk around the backyards naked.
Not hoping that somebody would see him, but anticipating the rush of being seen.
He eventually got caught, got arrested and everything came to light.
And they were like, oh, he must have been a pedophile too.
And they're like, there's the lines that people want to draw immediately.
You know, there are reasons why these poor souls do these things.

(14:12):
There are so many deeper reasons.
We are such an injured world that we live in.
We have people who can pretend not very well, but they pretend like their world is perfect.
And then internally it's not.
So these people break down.
They literally break down.
They don't age well.
They look horrendous.

(14:33):
I would rather battle all my demons, go toe to toe with everything and understand why I'm
an addict versus hiding that I'm an addict.
And it seems to be like the biggest thing too with that, you know, so how do you, how
do you guys feel about yourself right now?
Is there any lingering self attack?

(14:56):
Like some one of them I think about some inner poison that's like making you go, oh man,
there's this part of me.
It's still there.
That sucks.
Or are you guys just on the upswing?
Are you like making the climb, trying to make yourself feel better doing the good things
for yourself?
I hope that made sense for me.
I mean, there's, there's, I can't count how many photos or videos that I know about, let
alone that I don't know about out there of me.

(15:18):
Because I've got myself into some like really, really sketchy, super precarious positions
that I shouldn't have been in with other drug users and like my drug dealer and stuff
like that.
And that's something that's, you know, like part of me is like really, really super hurt
and shameful of, but also at the same time, those are things that I have to learn how
to accept myself.
I'm not quite there yet and I don't know how long that's going to take, but those are

(15:41):
things that I've got to accept that I've done.
And the way that I view it now, like anything that's trying to hold me back is that that's,
that's who I was compared in like survival mode when I was trying to just like literally
claw my way through to grab a breath of air out of a, like drowning in an ocean.
Who I am now and the decisions that I make now in a sober mind is very, very different

(16:06):
than the decisions I made, you know, when I was, when I was using, especially with Matt,
you know, and the psychosis and everything else.
So I would, I want to say like I'm on the upswing and everything's going great, but
honestly, you know, it's, it's, it's hell.
It's a constant battle and I've just got to deal with that every day, but that's, I'm
doing better than I was last year.
I'm doing better than I was yesterday.

(16:26):
And that's the only thing that really kind of matters to me, you know, so much.
So honestly, my sex addiction has, it's been my whole life.
I want you to know that.
So when you talk about your addiction, I feel like, Oh my God, I have a friend.
I finally have a friend who understands, understands what it's fucking like.
It's like having somebody knock on your head over and over and over again.

(16:52):
Pay attention.
Hey, hey, you know, I mean, it's exhausting.
It's exhausting.
And then I'm watching a video, it was a Facebook video and this woman, she was on the beach
laying out in front of her condo, masturbating.
Okay.
Not a big deal.
I do it.
Yeah.
Bow it by the pool or whatever.

(17:13):
And she's doing it.
And apparently a father, mother and two kids saw her do it.
I know that video.
And you know that video.
And she got her ass arrested for that.
And I'm thinking, Oh my God, the world we live in, the world we live in, it's more about
policing people than it is about showing them how to conduct themselves.

(17:38):
Hey, self control.
Look, my parents were addicts.
Okay.
They were alcoholics or whatever.
They call them, they're like a dry alcoholic.
Have you ever heard of that?
Oh yeah.
You don't really need alcohol.
So they, my parents had their perception of the, of whatever was going on in the world,
like a Fox news kind of going on and they had me afraid of everything.

(18:01):
They started when I was very small.
Here read revelation.
Here read, you know, that's a pretty heavy book to lay on a kid.
I just want to say, yeah, that's pretty rough.
Mean people.
No, they were old.
They were just, they just had, look, my parents were born in the fees, you know, and I'm thinking

(18:21):
Paris France, you know, you go to a cafe.
You have a little, you have a little wine and you go read a book and then you meet C.S.
Lewis and maybe a couple of other Hemingway, maybe you meet Hemingway.
I don't know.
Not my parents.
They lived in shitty old Texas where everybody hates everybody and they'll shoot you if you're

(18:43):
gay.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Not really.
They don't really do that.
I think they're more afraid because I mean, I flamed it up while I was there.
Nobody said a word.
And I was in the middle of nowhere.
I do like the idea of an ideal situation is that you go out there, you live your best
life and then you meet like an old whizzened author.

(19:06):
Like, right?
I mean, I'm not going to lie.
For one thing, I just got completely disillusioned on how time works and realized that Douglas
Adams, the author of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, passed away in the 2000s where
I thought he had passed away like much earlier than I think it was like 2016.

(19:26):
I think he passed away or 2006.
Six or 16 either way, closer to now than I thought.
And I have to say an ideal situation for me would be like at some bistro or something
like that and Douglas Adams is just sitting there.
So I think I kind of fuck with that idea actually.
I think it's cool.

(19:46):
I don't mind being, you asked, where are we now?
Right?
Yeah.
And Sidney, you're climbing your mountain, dude.
I got you.
I'm climbing the same mountain, but maybe on the other side.
So I will meet you at the top.
Sounds good.
That's awesome.
And we'll hug and we'll share, I don't know, we'll share some love for the world, two

(20:11):
attics on the top of a mountain.
What can I say?
All the old mountain's Mount Attic.
It's like Mount Everest, but it's not exactly, you know, so where am I?
I'm just, I've learned to accept myself.
Like recently, I don't know Sidney if you know, but I lost mine.

(20:33):
I don't, didn't loss it.
I didn't lose it.
I misplaced it.
So I had to attach this phone to my line for another, it's going to be 55.
So it's going to be like $165 a month.
If I can't find the other phone, I'm just going to have to pay off, pay it off, show
services off and, and just pay off the phone.
It's okay.

(20:54):
But when I say I lost the first day, I was so depressed.
I'm going to add it.
Come on.
My phone is my everything.
I mean, it's true.
Yeah.
I guess, I guess I could throw that in my hat in that ring too.
Um, I, I purposely don't look on how long I look at the phone.
Like it'll give you like the phone health.
I was like, I don't need to know.
I already know.
I already know it's bad.

(21:15):
Um, but that, but I'm, but I'm, I'm a creator.
I'm always, and my, my comedy, my content has always stemmed from situational.
So I always try to find things to create, to fill that situational, uh, sourdough starter,
so to speak, so I can bake my comedy.
And it's, it's, it's a never ending digging.

(21:36):
Also I use it for work as well too.
And they, they reimburse me for the time that I'm at work because they use that to make
calls and whatnot.
So, but still, yeah, the phone's always in my hands.
And I'm like, I'm like, I'm gonna start talking to you all the time.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You gotta get some right there.
Everybody knows you're right there.
Yeah.
Young bottom.
Yeah.
Well, look, I look at it this way.

(21:58):
I've spent my whole life exchanging my addictions.
All right.
But I have been treating my relationship like an addict and that's not good.
So you want to elaborate on that?
Yes.
Well, what happens when I get like, I want to, I told you, he's got a mushroom.
It's like this.
The top is like that.
Oh, wow.

(22:19):
I'm gonna, I, I, I want, I want, I want to bring the meat curtains back up and just
lace everything together.
But I'm gonna let it go.
Be the bigger human in this situation.
Well, maybe not that big.
It is explicit.
I'm sorry.
I have to be descriptive in my, in my direction.

(22:42):
This isn't an addiction episode.
We can be explicit, I believe.
Look, look, it happened.
It happened, you know, and now I think there's some awareness because it went from this space
to I wanted.
Man, it's a part of my brain because the chef part is just taken over that all I'm imagining

(23:04):
the fucking shiitake mushroom with like layers of bacon.
Oh, man.
Oh my God.
And look, I laughed during sex too.
That's gotta be funky, you know.
You're not laughing at the wrong part.
That's fine.
No, I'm just like a giddy school girl.

(23:26):
Come on.
How many hours can we make this last?
And then I get so pissed when it's over in five minutes or 10, 20.
I don't know.
Hey, that's a lot of cardio on some people.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know, I don't know if you've ever been on the giving side of things, but you know,
20 minutes of cardio, that's all I enjoy that part.

(23:49):
So it's about it.
If you're going to make someone laugh, right?
Like you can't just sit there and do the thrusting thing because that's true.
Yeah.
It's been on us.
You toys always implement into like, you know, different different things.
Yeah.
Whatever, because you can be very sensual and still get someone off without it just

(24:09):
being a like thrusting thing.
You know what I mean?
Even though both of like orgasms are different for her or for him or them, then it still
can be like, you can, you can have this ride the wave type thing, you know?
Yeah.
No, I'm the worst when I'm in attic mode and I call her, I call her venomous instead
of venom, venomous because that's how I am.

(24:32):
I'm disappointed at everything.
Life sucks.
This sucks.
Everything sucks.
You know?
So you're chasing the endorphin rush.
And if you're not constantly getting that, then you're in the you're in the valley.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Not a problem.
I learned a lot of of how people view their their sexual attraction in that hour that

(24:55):
I was just like rooted in my search history.
Tic-Toc or not Tic-Toc Reddit and Google are probably going to think like something
has happened to me and but yeah, a lot of people were describing that where it's not
about the fact that it's not about the fact it has nothing to do for some people with
the actual connection with the human being.
It has everything to do about the brain and body chemistry, getting, getting it up, writing

(25:19):
that way of creating that way.
The longer that they have it, the better because it is very much a high to the point where
some people have completely cut themselves off from any sexual gratification, whether
it be by themself or with somebody because they realize how addicted they are to that
high and that
Yeah, and that they don't like themselves when they're not getting up there, which I'm

(25:43):
not going to lie.
Personally, there are some people who say that even just masturbating and watching porn
over like a certain amount of time, like it's like however many time over X amount of days
that you do it can put you into attic mode.
And there was times where I was feeling like that when I wasn't getting sex in my first
marriage and but I was looking back on there.

(26:05):
I was looking for anything to try to just get me out of my just general funk.
It wasn't even the fact that I wasn't getting any.
It was just I was generally depressed than anyway.
But you know, pardon me wonders, you know, where would I be mentally, physically and
everything of that relationship would have continued would it had it turned into something

(26:26):
like that would I have turned to cheating?
Like I don't know.
I I'm really glad that I didn't have to find out.
Yeah, that that high highs in general.
They're great when you have them, but you know, we can't live there.
And I think that's what a lot of people are really feeling about in these the sex stories,
you know, the fact that they feel like they have to live there and they're disgusted with
themselves and what they have to do to get to that point.

(26:48):
Yeah, because those things definitely get like worse and worse and worse.
I mean, like I know with with my sex addiction, like when I was using let alone my using addiction
like with meth, it would have to be like more intense because I like the first time I ever
shot up, it was the best thing in the world.
It was like having consensual sex the first time I ever did.
It was the best thing in the world.
And I was always chasing that.

(27:08):
I was always trying to find a new way.
I was always doing more and it never hit, never hit, never hit.
And then finally, like, you know, I'm doing a grandma shot and it's not even really affecting
me, you know, same thing, but like the sex addiction is you get into some really weird
shit, you know what I mean?
Like some some like, like there's the Gonzo porn thing that, you know, starts like really
like people get fucking hurt in that type of scenario.

(27:29):
Let alone take that moment, think that that's what's going to get them off because that's
what gets them off in porn while they're alone.
You know, and those things, those things can get pretty fucking dangerous, you know, where
you start going down into, for some people go down into some rabbit holes that are really
fucking dark and really, really morally wrong, you know, eight millimeter.
Yes.
Yep.
A Serbian film.

(27:50):
Oh my God.
Yeah, I can't get my back.
You've seen a Serbian film?
God, please tell me now.
You have.
I haven't only know of it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't even see it.
It's don't.
Don't watch it.
Don't watch it.
Don't watch it.
Don't watch it.
Don't watch it.
That's good.
See, I learned probably in my twenties when film, film and videos really started coming

(28:11):
out more than just like stills and pictures on the internet where, you know, it became
more of a thing where people were sharing pretty much anything and everything.
And I stumbled across the video of Saddam's hanging and that is like a little bit of psychic
damage that happened.
You know what I'm talking about?
You have.
Yeah.
I have a thing.
Yeah.
That was a lot of evil.
Yeah, it was.

(28:31):
There was a lot going on there.
That was a lot of pain holes.
So, however he died, if it was messy, it was okay.
Well, sure.
Don't get me wrong.
There was there was a whole lot going on, but I didn't need to see.
I knew about it, you know, and then like I, it was, it was a Reddit 5050.
So you click on it and you either get something cool or you get something like scarring.
Unfortunately, it was scarring for me.

(28:52):
And that's the last time I played Reddit 5050.
And so now that, you know, if I get any wind of anything where people are like, oh, this
is the most messed up stuff ever, I'm like, I'm going to keep that far away from my brain.
So I will, I wake up a vow here to never see that.
I will.
Don't ever.
I will not.
I had someone describe it to me in detail and I was like, I, I can't, I can't listen

(29:14):
to you anymore.
This is really fucked up.
Yeah, I know.
It's not okay.
That's why I'm not talking.
I won't tell you about it.
I mean, as far as me, what I like is BDSM, but not really like fake, not the real.
Consensual non-consensual play.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.

(29:35):
Consensual and non, you know, like, well, I mean, that's what it's called.
It's a CNC, consensual, non-consensual.
Yeah.
Okay.
And that's something you've learned today.
I, hey, I'm all for it, honey.
That's how I get my knowledge on the interweb.
I mean, I mean, if you're going to, I will say.
I will say this.
Having access to the internet at all, you're two clicks away from finding out either a,

(29:58):
a new kink or B satisfying kink that you already have.
And that's got to really suck for, for, for people who, you know, get easily like turned
on and start thinking, I've got to have it now.
As you were saying, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm the type of guy that if I see like a very

(30:20):
well done, even maybe not even well done, if I see a pair of tits on the internet, I
started thinking, I wonder when Marley's coming.
You know, yeah.
Um, sometimes they're, you know, sometimes it's within the art, so I'm like, cool.
But like, if it's obviously meant to show off to, and my eyes just automatically go there,
I'm starting to think about sex, but it's not a thing where I was like, I have to instantly
gratify myself right now.

(30:41):
But I know that it's got to be like that for some people out there, like the triggers
got to be that much of a hair trigger out there.
Um, well, that's the ego, right?
Like that's what I know about my ego.
So I know my ego gets triggered by things.
Uh, uh, a misogynistic man.
For some reason I find that electrifyingly attractive.

(31:03):
It's not, it is not.
It is so like, I can't even explain how degrading it is.
Okay.
But venomous loves that shit.
Loves to pine, to hunt, to crawl around, to be a sub.
Please, please, please fuck me.

(31:23):
Please.
No, no, no, no, no, I'll go without.
That's how I feel.
No.
So with 19, sorry, go ahead.
No, I have friends.
That's why you have friends.
They put fingers in places for me.
Here, let me feel that for you.
How's that?
I gotta talk to my roommate.
Hey, I got a job.
Hey, I got a job for you.

(31:44):
Get some work for you.
That's right.
Spank my little bottom.
Yeah, that's where I was going with that.
Yeah.
So let me, let me ask you this.
Because I found with a lot of the healing and stuff that I've done, what is it that

(32:06):
for me came from my childhood, but what is it about like the misogynistic guys that are
like going to degrade the shit out of you?
What's the wound, the childhood wound that you need to heal in order for that to be okay?
Oh man, because I had it ready.
I have the answer ready.
I have it.
I have a father wound.
Huge.
Always wanted to be accepted by my father.

(32:28):
Always wanted to be told that I was an intelligent and all these things by my father.
He never once.
He always said I was a piece of shit.
You're a piece of shit.
You're a whore.
You're this.
You're that.
And, and I, and I was none of those things.
I was young and just very, very pretty, like very cute and very sweet and very loving and

(32:53):
very giving.
And I'll tell you what, by the time he was done with me, I was a shriveling hot mess.
And the only men that I attracted were abusive, misogynistic, locked me in a room, just put
a towel under the door, let me out for three days kind of shit.
Okay.

(33:14):
And, and I got to the point where, you know, I would seek it out and then a healthy person
can come and venomous would come out and turn that nice healthy person into a shitball because
she demands it.
How's that?
And that venomous is trying to take control of the situation that you could.

(33:34):
That's right.
That's right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I also have a mother wound.
So that's why I'm bisexual.
I believe is because I didn't have the love from either one of my parents.
That's my belief, you know, makes sense.
Yeah.
So, and how about you, Sydney?
For me, so most definitely because like I mentioned earlier, if, if I don't have someone

(33:58):
who's willing to like use and abuse me sexually, then I don't feel like I have worth and value
in that, you know what I mean?
Like in my, like that little tick in my mind is like, I am a fuck toy.
That is exactly what I am.
That's where I belong because that's what I had when I grow up.
At least now I'm in control of it.
At least now because of like when I was doing the prostitution stuff or whatever, I'm in

(34:19):
control of what happens to my body and what I allow it because I'm an adult now versus
like I had no control back then.
And that really sucks to have happened because I always end those situations and end those
scenarios where I feel so horrible and so shitty about myself.
I'm like, I can't believe I just put myself through something that was so fucking painful,
but I have that duality to me too, where I feel like I deserve it.

(34:43):
And that's back down to the, you know, what my worth and what my value is.
I don't think I actually do.
I don't believe I do, but that ticks really, really strong too, you know, some.
So hang out with us more because you'll really, you'll really feel the value.
That's the way I look at it.
When you are around people who are willing to sit there and listen to your story and

(35:04):
not tear you up over the shit that you've done through your life.
I mean, we, we've all been through things.
We've all said things.
We've all done things.
We've been through things.
Why this world doesn't have more empathy.
Why we don't have more empathy for one another.
I don't understand it.
It's just like that.

(35:24):
Yeah.
So, you know, if you need family, this is your family.
Right?
Or how do the kids do it?
Yeah, like whatever.
Right?
Aren't you a kid?
You're a kid, aren't you?
I'm trying to be like, I'm a kid of heart, I guess, kind of.
Me too.
I'm, I'm living life like, look, did I show you this?
Did I show you this?
Look, look, look.

(35:45):
Hey, look.
You did.
The last time you showed that was a wildly different connotation.
Okay, real.
Look, I, I don't, I have no shame.
None, none.
And I'm going to go to Spain and do mushrooms.
Did I tell y'all?
Why are you going all the way to Spain to do mushrooms?
Did you learn nothing from the guy who woke up in Brussels?

(36:07):
To blow a hot Spanish guy, of course.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's the dream, obviously.
I'm going to take my tacos.
I'll have some tacos while I'm there.
So fun fact, while, while we're sharing and we're on the, the, the line of Spaniard, I
was the first time that I ever actually, because I, when I used to buy toys, it would

(36:28):
be like the first thing, because I was kind of embarrassed when I would go into the stores
and just like find the first thing.
And I think that was going to work for me and then go home.
So I'm on the Blackwood dildos or they're either too large or too small.
Um, and the, I see, I thought I was a science queen.
I am not.
But there, there is a limit and I found that limit and Oh God, what was his name?
It wasn't Jesus.

(36:49):
It was Javier.
That's what it was.
I like that.
Yeah.
Um, and is it's the, it's just the right fit.
It is definitely the, uh, the Goldilocks scenario.
It's just right.
But I don't know exactly what about it makes it, uh, a Spanish dildo.
Perhaps maybe it's the subtle coloring.

(37:10):
I don't know if they took like a bunch of numbers is like, and how big and round are
you?
Okay.
And then like get like 10 of them and get like an average side.
I don't know.
All I know is thank goodness for Javier because he knows what he's doing.
He knows what he's doing.
This podcast is devoted to Javier.
It's the shank.

(37:32):
It turns out also Javier is bisexual as well, which, uh, Javier came with me because I,
I, I obtained him in between the two big relationships of my life.
Uh, while I was trying to figure out, you know, what's what about me and my wife, uh,
found my small stash, which has grown since I've been here, but she was like, Oh, this
looks like this, uh, will work quite nicely.

(37:53):
Well, I was like, well, it works quite nicely for me.
We can find out for you as well.
You know, so, you know, share, share and share like kids.
It's sharing.
Sharing is caring.
Bring your toys to the party.
I guarantee you there's going to be somebody else who's going to.
It's going to be like, ooh, let me give that a shot.
But which I don't know if you were, you heard me before when you were like, you know, do

(38:15):
use toys, don't be afraid to use toys.
Toys are there to enhance.
Yeah.
Um, they're, they're not there to take over like some people think.
And I believe I said, yeah.
Yeah.
And there, and there's a lot, there's a lot of that.
There's a lot of like people go, Oh, you have to use that to show it only feels good.
If you use that, I know it, it doesn't only feel good when you use that and adds to it.

(38:38):
There's no, it's not a supplement.
It's an addition, you know, let's take fear right out of the bedroom.
It's yes.
That's what we need to be doing.
Well, uh, some, well, I don't know.
Sometimes Sydney's throwing up.
Oh, honey.
Oh, baby.
You're, you have an entire horror collection too.

(39:03):
Yeah.
Um, I'll be honest with you.
You, I came across a silicone.
And a toy making tick tock the other day and I immediately went to their Instagram to see
exactly what they made and I pinned it because there's some things in there that look very
interesting.
It's a little too flared, which you got there towards the bottom, but, but there are some
that are not as flared and I'm very, very interested in that.

(39:24):
But not like, especially the, the particular toy that I have thanks for in this house is
one that aids and clitoral stimulation for her during and she will like, it's great.
It's great for her.
And then she immediately tells us this is my six like on this podcast, not necessarily
hers.
That is right.
But afterward we were cuddling because I'm a coupler and she was like, and we were just

(39:46):
chilling.
That's always like the best part afterwards is chilling.
And I was like, thank God for toys.
And then we both had a good laugh.
See, that's how it's supposed to be.
Right.
That's how I believe it's supposed to be.
And then venomous gets in the room with me.
There's like three of us in the room.
Yeah.
She's a bitch, man.

(40:06):
So how do you combat that?
I feel like I've got a couple of minutes.
How are you, how do you combat that without making your partner, you know, either worried
or feel inadequate or something like that?
Like what, what, what methods do you use?
Medication.
No, I'm just kidding.
Meditation, extreme exercise, like riding my bike for 12 miles and then going to the

(40:29):
gym and working out for two hours.
Okay.
And I say that's probably what it is, is all that I am a strong person.
Like I am, you know, my, my ex-husband says that I'm a lot and he doesn't mean that in
the misogynistic, no, he means like if he had to measure the energy that comes from

(40:53):
my body as it's directed to him, he doesn't have the strength to withstand it.
That's what he means.
So, yeah.
So he says, not enough of a man.
That's what he says.
So, you know, and I'm, I, I can deal with that, but what I've had to do, like even during
the winter, I will cold water plunge that will put out a fire real quick.

(41:18):
Oh, I bet.
I will jump in the pool.
It is 40 degrees.
If I'm horny up, I will jump in the pool and it puts out the fire immediately.
I have to say that over the summer I took out the bean hammer and I probably mutilated.
Hopefully, just making refried beans over there.

(41:39):
Good for you.
Now turned into a cooking show again.
Yeah.
So, I think maybe we've asked this of you before, Sydney, but what are your, how do
you mediate urges that creep up?
Got his drugs and sex are two very, very different ones for me.

(42:00):
So, yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
There's a lot of like isolations, isolation is a motherfucker for me.
That's the number one thing that always gets me going of like drugs therapy has been massive
for me going to like intensive outpatient therapy and stuff to like deal with the reasons
why I use.
I've worked that 12 step program probably like three times.

(42:22):
Like the one thing that's helped me the most is Jay Shetty, think like a monk and eight
rules of love.
I'm doing those books over and over and over again, kind of like bringing up myself, value
on myself worth.
Then I can now be more into like a BDSM type thing and not have to feel like that inner

(42:44):
child version of myself is this out of control.
Like I can be the adult version and you know, like still like be able to function in that
sexual type lifestyle, which is good.
But like sex, I mean, for me, it's sometimes it's just white knuckling it and not saying
anything to anybody until I can come home to the fucking magic wand.
Right.
Sometimes it's I most of the time it's just like this too shall pass.

(43:06):
I just, you know, it's it's an emotion I'm going through.
I can identify the emotion.
I can identify the reasons why I have those emotions and like just watching the leaf fall
down a river.
I can just like, okay, I accept it.
I'm okay with this and just let it go.
It's hard sometimes, especially with like the person that I'm kind of not seeing but
seeing right now, you know, there's times that we've gotten really, really sexual where

(43:27):
I'm going to have to right now, but you know, I'm still willing to control and not do something
that's going to dishonor myself.
You know what I mean?
Well, here's the perspective.
So the reason I identify the way I do, I'm gender neutral.
I'm non binary.
I'm female presenting.
I'm a they them.
I am bisexual.

(43:47):
You know, I have all these descriptors, but at the end of the day, those descriptors are
for people who just don't seem to get it and think as we're just in a different league.
We're just not in not that it's we're better than anybody or anything like that.

(44:07):
It's just that we are so in tune with our bodies.
I know when one little thing is off on my whole body.
Yes.
And that is because I've been in touch with every sensory perception that I have and sex
is one of those things you shouldn't start first because it is very addictive.

(44:30):
And what I've learned is when you truly love someone, me, when I truly as an addict love
someone, I am willing to put venomous in the closet alone and I'll work with I'll deal
with her later.
Yeah.
I get it now, I get it now, you know, with my partner, I think I'm going to tell you
guys something and I'm going to edit it out.

(44:52):
Okay.
Then a miss, right?
So he was my friend first and love him to pieces.
His mom was my patient.
She's 93 years old.
You know, I stayed with her to the very end.
She died of an in stage renal disease and Michael, her son and I got together and we
took care of her and on her bed, she says to him and me, you two should get together.

(45:17):
Never knowing venomous was in the room too.
And she heard too.
Well, she's like, hell yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
So, well, me being by myself and I've been by myself for years and I haven't had sex
for years and I sold my house and I didn't have anywhere to go and I called him up and
I said, okay, I got to come stay with you.

(45:38):
I got to come stay with you.
I loved him then.
You know, I got to come stay with you.
I did.
I'm in mom's room and he's totally redone the room, put a new bathroom in for me.
But venomous is like, he's doing this to control you.
He wants something from you.
Just the story started and the behavior started and the paranoia started and then the obsession

(46:06):
with sex started.
And one of the first things I did.
Like who does this shit?
Okay, venomous does this shit is what happened.
So I dress up.
I'm looking all cute.
Okay.
Looking cute.
Hat.
I have pigtails and I just go straight into his room.
I guess he was taking a nap and I thought it would be a good idea for Christ's sake.

(46:28):
I thought it would be a good idea if I jerk him off before we go out that way.
I mean, because I ran one.
I'm thinking he's got to be one or two.
Sure.
I'm just looking out for you.
Right?
He's like, what the fuck?
I'm sure.
I'm sure.

(46:48):
Well, I mean, it's one of our most simplest autonomic responses once the genie starts
getting rubbed for it to come out.
So, which I will say is why I think that guys can really get that with post nut clarity comes
a shame because of some of the things that we will think of or just accept just to get

(47:12):
to the end.
Oh, sure.
I started out with shame.
Wow.
So yeah, that's a that's a heck of a start of a relationship.
She's a bitch, man.
I don't know.
She just pops up out of nowhere and takes over.
It's a fucking.
Have you heard this song, Ren, where he's talking to his ego and he's like, I'm healing

(47:34):
and I'm healing and then his ego is like, what are you talking about?
Yeah, we're not doing well.
What the fuck?
You need to come back over here.
Don't lose like, like don't lose love for me.
Don't lose love for me.
I'm the one that saved you.
Remember?
No, no, sort of.
Maybe not.

(47:54):
I don't know.
It's good that you know, you have these kind of conversations with people like you were
saying, who was to sit here and listen to you and not, you know, go, oh, God, you're
all messed up and then stop talking to you.
Yeah.
No, no, because I know like mentally as I've explored like various kinks and other things

(48:14):
that have popped up, I've done things which especially going into my thirties when I was
really accepting my bisexuality and exploring what kind of kinks could possibly be tied
into that because I'm still very much sexualizing the idea of bisexuality instead of like, you
know, what it could mean is like future relationships or anything.
And like some of the things that I masturbated to were just like wild, like thinking back

(48:37):
on it now, I was not actually even, I still, I have no want to revisit some of the sites
that I revisited when I was, you know, exploring that side of me.
But at the time, you know, it was new, it was wild, and it was giving me, you know, a
unique high that I wasn't experiencing anywhere else.
And so then afterwards, you know, like I said, that shame did kind of come in on me a couple

(48:59):
of times.
And so that was, you know, you were talking about the BDSM part I've leaned into like
when I was like, we got the internet in our house for the first time and I was just going
wild.
I went to some of the more extreme sites that now I'm like really worried about the people
who work there.
Yeah.
Oh, like what?
Like what?
Like insects, the old web like kink.com website.

(49:20):
Oh, yep.
Yep.
Yep.
And now thinking back on it, I'm like, man, I really hope that those people are okay
because they were in situations that did not look healthy, which I'm sure they were.
You know, like I would like to think they were.
It's not, honey.
Let me tell you.
I know.
Those people are so deep in despair is terrible.
And, but that's why I bring humor into my stories because I will not feel ashamed about

(49:46):
any of it.
I mean, and sometimes I was just hammered hammered drunk and I would find myself in the
back of somebody's car.
Get out of the car and go get in somebody else's car.
So literally hammered drunk.
That's hammered.
Just like, I don't even know how I got home and hammered drunk.
It's a double entendre.

(50:07):
Don't you stumbled right into that.
I'm proud of you.
You didn't even mean to, but there you are.
I'll take it like a champ.
Good for you.
That's excellent.
We're just so good together.
We're such a great three some, you know, you know, that's true.
But I think, I think it's an hour, right?

(50:28):
If I'm seeing that time or an hour, that's been a good hour.
More than that, we're going to have to be giving people hand jobs.
Yeah.
You can say it's in the north form because who hasn't done that really?
I mean, I'm not even going to tell you.
I'm not.
No, I'm like, what?
I also need to know if that is that hand job thing like in the contract because if so,

(50:53):
I need to talk to my wife about that.
She's going to have to.
Well, I'm sure she'll say it once.
We're going to have to like once the money comes in, maybe.
There you go.
There you go.
You're going to have to age like fine wine a little bit once you've died a couple of
times and and then you're going to feel no regret.
None.

(51:13):
No regret.
You're going to fuck this.
This is another day.
It's just when people say it's another Tuesday, they're not fucking kidding.
It's for real.
Why are we all layering beliefs on one another?
Okay.
I have my beliefs that serve me.
You have your beliefs that serve you and Sydney.
Obviously, you have your beliefs that serve you.
So what I love about our little community that we're creating here is that we see one

(51:39):
another and celebrate one another in our spaces, respected spaces.
When I grew up, it was like, Jesus Christ is your savior.
They drilled that shit into my head and that's a violation because I've been questioning
who I am for decades.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.

(51:59):
We could have a whole conversation about religion and what we think it's done to us in the future.
I'm going to head.
Yeah.
All right.
That's probably going to be a three hour podcast though.
Yeah.
Take it in stages.
2025.
We'll put it out the day that we learn who wins the election.
How about that?
That seems fitting.

(52:20):
It's true.
It's true.
All right.
That would be a pretty good, like since Easter's coming really early this coming year, I believe,
and you know, plenty of time to put things around there in March and April.
So we're signing out.
I just want to say don't forget yourself love.
Very important.
Everyone makes sure that you take care of your lady business or your them business or

(52:43):
your his business or her business or whatever business.
And at the time of recording this happy bisexual visibility month, if you happen to be by.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Sydney, what's your sign out?
Don't do drugs, drink your milk, remember who you are and what you stand for.
And peace out and word to your mother.
All right.
Bye.