September 8, 2024 • 56 mins
In their conversation, Edith and Michael explore a range of meaningful topics, from beliefs and sexuality to addiction and self-discovery. They open up about the damaging impact of dysfunctional beliefs surrounding sex and the importance of breaking free from shame and guilt. Through sharing personal experiences, they highlight their journeys towards self-acceptance and self-love.
The discussion underscores the value of open-mindedness and understanding in relationships, as well as the critical need to embrace one’s true self. Together, they reflect on how beliefs shape our lives, touching on themes like gender identity, sexuality, religion, and the power of overcoming shame. Their conversation also examines the intersection of Buddhism and LGBTQ+ acceptance, emphasizing the importance of self-love, shedding shame, and embracing authenticity.
Bites from the Show:
- "I'm addicted to that straight lifestyle." (with sarcasm)
- "I'm hunting for that money for us. I'm gonna do that OnlyFans business."
- "Letting go of shame and being open with who I am and what I like."
- "I bet you anything that all those rich people have like some of the kinkiest kinks out there too, man."
- "I don't fully believe that my gender is 100% male, that's something that I believe."
- "Eliminate desire and you eliminate suffering."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Question
01:49 Beliefs and the Addict
03:02 Upcoming Guests and Topics
05:11 Video and Exciting Conversations
06:14 Exploring Beliefs
09:15 Identity Crisis and Growth
12:01 Embracing Change in Relationships
14:10 Marriage and Personal Needs
15:19 Manipulation and Dysfunction in Relationships
17:25 Breaking Free from Shame
19:43 Acknowledging the Bad Stuff
20:34 Self-Love and Kindness
23:59 Producing and Talent
25:24 Sexual Energy and Freedom
27:14 Overcoming Shame and Guilt
28:13 Accepting Praise and Being True to Yourself
29:15 Exploring Kinks and Rich People
30:06 Gender Identity and Fluidity
36:18 Eliminating Desire and Suffering
39:09 Autonomy as Salvation
43:15 Buddhism and LGBTQ+ Acceptance
49:13 Addressing Fears and Self-Love
56:19 The Notion of Purity
59:03 OnlyFans and Unexpected Uses
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
A crisp photograph of Edith and Michael Leblanc as we discuss life and philosophy and bisexual
(00:09):
coffee.
Yes, yes.
Mademoiselle, but before we do, I have a question for you.
I need to know if you can finish this phrase, okay?
I'm going to start it off.
All you have to do is just give me the end of it.
Absolutely.
Wait a minute.
Live it how you live it.
Tintos in while we eat peanut butter and ants on white bread.
(00:37):
Oh, that's great.
You may not be as chronically online as I am.
So there's this.
Oh, was it supposed to have fingers and penises or something?
No, no.
It's just really good song.
This dude who's like, I think he's Indian that was raised in Texas and he pays, he's
(01:04):
paying homage to like a whole bunch of different rappers in this one particular song, but it
starts off so good and it's a wait a minute.
Live it how you live it.
Tintos in while we step in in business.
I'm a big stepper underground methods and it just it hits so hard and the video came
out.
I think at the same time the song did, if not, it doesn't matter because the video hits
(01:27):
hard because the moment the first beat hits, he's actually stomping and the whole arena
shakes and at that moment I was like, I'm in it.
So that's what I brought to you.
He won you over.
Yeah.
That's what I brought to you from the internet today.
Plus a whole other things I'm really excited about today and our conversation.
(01:48):
Yeah.
It's going to be great today's conversation is about beliefs and the addict beliefs.
That's the curveball.
I didn't throw you beliefs and the addict, the addict, the addict because and that it's
(02:09):
the perfect topic for our last guest, the bisexual chef.
No, what was he, non-binary chef.
I do apologize.
The non-binary chef who is also an addict now.
I've got all these wonderful questions for him.
Oh, so you're gearing up for a, you're gearing up for another underground.
(02:33):
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Part two.
Well, and for a secondary kind of got a little tied up because there's another person who
we're talking to has non-binary in their title as well.
And it was like, wait, we haven't talked to him yet.
But no, that's the non-binary dad.
Yeah.
So, so we're, we're, I think that's next week actually.
(02:54):
So, you know, oh, that's exciting.
Yeah.
And then I spoke one other before, before we go into beliefs and the addict, I want to
tell you that I talked, I spoke with Marcus Allen, freshman, okay, who was the most hated
man besides Andrew Tate, the most hated man on TikTok.
(03:17):
And he's going to be on our podcast and he called me from Los Angeles today.
I'm super excited.
He's done with the Republican national convention, but he has got questions.
So many questions.
He's got questions.
Yes.
Because he listened to the podcast you published yesterday.
(03:40):
Okay.
He listened to the podcast, the bisexual coffee.
He listened to my interview with you.
Nice.
And my editorial, uh, debut for a bisexual podcast.
Absolutely.
The whole coming out, the whole sexuality thing.
Right.
I'm telling you, I think you're waking up, Mr. Marcus Allen, freshman.
(04:02):
I mean, he's waking us up and we're waking him up.
And it's, it's interesting because he was like, so Michael was married before.
And I said, yes.
Yes.
And he said, married to a woman.
Cause I wasn't sure if he was married to a woman or a man.
I said, no, married to a woman.
(04:23):
Yep.
Get prepared for that.
Cause he's, he's going to ask you all these questions.
I'm sure.
And he was like, but the first wife didn't understand because he didn't tell her right
away.
And I said, well, it seems like that, doesn't it?
And he said, so the second wife he was very open with.
(04:45):
And I said, absolutely.
Yes.
And he said, and, and they're still together.
And I said, yeah, absolutely.
They're still together.
So I have a feeling he's got some questions for you.
Oh, I can't wait.
I just love him.
Yep.
Uh, and speaking of last episode, I need to know if you've seen the video yet.
(05:07):
Have you looked at the video?
I, okay.
So you emailed me.
Yeah.
The link.
Our Google drive.
Yep.
So when you get a chance, get, when you get a chance, watch it, scrub forward to about
16 minutes and you'll see the magic happen.
Okay.
It's not going to, I'm not going to.
In the video.
(05:28):
I'm not going to give anything away, but I had to do a little magic and I just want
you to see it.
It's, I'm telling you, it's a little, it's the least amount of magic I think I could
have done, but still it's nice.
I think, I think you'll like it.
So let's, let's get into these beliefs and this is a, it's a broad word.
(05:52):
One.
I mean, you can believe in anything.
You can believe in Santa Claus.
You can believe in your, your, yourself, you can believe in somebody else.
You can believe that birds aren't real and that the CEI, the CEIA is just has a whole
bunch of feather drones out there that are spying on us.
So many different beliefs.
So what were you thinking?
What was the seed of thought that first came into your head when you said beliefs?
(06:13):
Because my brain may have went in a different direction and I'm interested.
I'm excited for both.
I scheduled a couple of hours.
So we may have to do this in pieces.
So we can, you know, we'll schedule them all.
I'm okay making the series.
Yeah, me too.
I'll do a series.
So, so what I was thinking about was naked onion mystery tours podcast.
(06:35):
We did an episode on beliefs and I haven't listened to it.
It's something I'm going to listen to after this podcast, but I have changed as a person.
I came out to those women.
I came out and they were treating me like a pick me.
(07:00):
Like, I'm not really sure what a pick me is.
Well, I mean, you pretty much on the point is like, you know, all y'all are cool, but
look, I've got the qualities that everybody should like, everybody look at me, you know,
pick me.
I'm the, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm the cool original girl, you know, I'm the Zoe Deschanel of the
(07:20):
show.
Does that help?
Okay.
That, that was definitely me.
Okay.
But that's just me all the time.
And I came out to them and I was like, yep, I'm pan.
I didn't really know what the definition was in that moment because I hadn't been living
as a pan person.
(07:40):
I'd only been thinking about it.
I'm an addict.
Remember, I'm addicted to that straight lifestyle.
I was brought up in, in a, uh, Baptist cult.
Yeah.
Right.
Like people don't get it.
When you wake up and you're fed the same soup every single day, you start talking like
the soup.
(08:01):
Right.
Yeah, that makes sense.
You start, you start like, okay, I'm in a Baptist cult.
Why isn't any, you know, so I'm, I'm having, I'm like having to bring people to the Lord
and shit.
And I'm like, why do I have to bring these people to the Lord?
Shouldn't they just want to be like me?
Shouldn't they just want to be Christ like in all this shit?
(08:23):
Yeah.
Cause at the time it makes sense to you.
You can't understand why does it make sense to everybody else?
You're, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, after 45 years of fighting with people and like, look, you know, and then I become
a nurse and then there's certain rules to nursing and, and a healthy lifestyle.
(08:47):
And I start becoming addicted to all of these different beliefs.
And because of the Baptist cult, I'm trying to bring people to a healthy lifestyle or
I'm trying to bring them.
And that was one of the clicks in naked onion was, you know, I'm, I'm interviewing people
(09:09):
and I'm pretending to be all these different people until it fucks me up.
You're painting yourself into a personality corner, which I mean, I guess that's what
happens when you grow up, so to speak, in front of a microphone or a camera.
I mean, and it's bound to happen to people of all ages.
(09:31):
You definitely hear about it with people growing up, like literally from the, from child to
adulthood, where, you know, their views change, their priorities change and whatnot.
And they're taking a look around.
Then there's always that awkward stage where like somebody who was previously a child in
Hollywood becomes an adult and they want to start, you know, expressing themselves as
(09:54):
an adult, which means maybe dressing a little sexier or maybe being true about who they
are as, as their sexuality or identity or everything and wondering what that's going
to do to them, you know, in their, in their sphere, in their sphere of influence.
And so I guess, I guess you went through a little of that, huh?
(10:14):
I mean, it was identity crisis, like a motherfucker.
Because I was, you know, and I had Adam A. Vittable, like I said, he's pan and I can't
wait for you to meet him.
Just announced, I haven't sent him an invite yet.
Obviously I've been traveling for months and I'm finally home.
(10:38):
But getting away, like my partner right now, right?
Perfect.
Everything is perfect.
It's good.
Still, it's still good balance of apprenticeship right now.
You know what?
It's more like a marriage now.
I mean, in the sense that it was almost like there was a control dynamic when I just came
(10:59):
in.
Which isn't healthy.
Right.
I wasn't going to relinquish my control of myself and he wasn't going to relinquish his
control of his self.
He wanted what he wanted.
I wanted what I wanted.
We both love each other.
Now we're at this place where we're willing to give each other what, what we were asking
(11:23):
for in the beginning, but never knew how to ask because we both grew up in the same,
we're both 55.
I mean, codependency was a flipping thing.
That's what you did when you got home.
The woman had food ready on the table and the husband just, I don't know, you were Archie
(11:44):
Bunker.
And just so we're clear, I just want to make sure that we're, that I'm still thinking the
same thing.
So you've entered a marriage state with somebody who right now I would say you're emotionally
intimate with, but not physically, which is what I want.
Yeah.
With someone I live with.
(12:04):
Okay.
Do you follow me?
Okay.
So the other stuff I get elsewhere.
Gotcha.
I'm paying.
That's why another reason why I'm paying is because marriage had this depth.
This is a belief, right?
So marriage had this definition for me.
(12:25):
Okay.
My husband needs to be there for me.
My husband needs to listen to me.
My husband needs to respect my boundaries.
My husband needs, these are all the things that I want in my partner, but I wasn't getting
because I was with somebody who was whole and I was incomplete.
Remember I'm an addict.
(12:45):
Yeah.
Yeah, I got you.
I got you.
The addicts will like, if you, in the beginning when we're young and we're sexy and vibrant
and things, we, you know, I mean this for anybody who can identify this way is that I
(13:06):
was sexually, I was manipulative.
Okay.
That's a ferocious man.
It's not cool.
It is terrible.
I've read a few books that do a couple of different things with it that either tell it like it
is and some of the second guessing shame, guilt, sometimes even anger when things don't
(13:34):
happen to go your way.
Like, like it really delved into that.
And then there's been other stories like there was a book bought by Chuck Palinock, the guy
who wrote Fight Club.
All right.
Yes.
Yeah.
I want to say you sent me that.
(13:56):
I think we talked about it before, but it was called Choke, the name of the book.
And it romanticized it only in that really dark and gritty way that Chuck can write.
Like, not really like glorifying it, but definitely adding like a kind of like a weird glitz
and glamour only through his eyes.
And you can only imagine what everybody else is seeing from the outside.
(14:20):
So it's, and then you have, and this one is cheap, but people do it all the time, especially
in movies that cater to like a younger audience from like early teens up to mid twenties and
also depends on how your humor grows from there.
But you know, like sexual comedy video movies, thinking about Euro trip, American pie, stuff
(14:41):
like that.
It's such a dysfunctional way to relate to people.
Yeah.
It's so dysfunctional.
I mean, it was an old belief.
Like I was saying, it was on naked onion.
I'm sitting in front of these women and I'm trying to be, it was almost schizophrenic.
(15:02):
It was almost schizophrenic.
It was so bad.
It was like I had a freaking meltdown.
I did.
I just did.
And Adam was like.
Did you have a meltdown on the podcast?
No.
You would have got so many listeners.
(15:22):
I get it.
I joke.
Oh my God.
That would have been just.
No, I, I didn't even know like I wasn't aware enough of myself.
Sure.
Now I'm fully aware.
Like I am in control of my addiction.
Fully aware hopefully to the chance of being able to grow later, you know.
(15:42):
Oh my God.
There's always more you can find.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Like the love I have for people and the understanding and the kindness and the non judgment and
the, the play self love.
Self love.
I have.
Oh my God.
The patients.
I mean, I don't get annoyed anymore.
(16:04):
I don't.
It is just like my inner voice says bitch, honey, all these people are going through something
baby.
That's true.
I feel it in and mirror joy and get through today.
You will be fine.
I want to, I want to say something just like maybe as like, I don't know if this is like
(16:25):
the devil's advocate type situation, but please you have to, I'm sure you know this, but
for somebody who is reveling in the, in the peace that they're, they're having now and
in the revelation that you're having now of yourself.
You also need to make sure that you are feeling and acknowledging any of the bad stuff that
(16:48):
comes along too.
Because as humans, we, we, we really like to, to feel good in a spot that goes, Hey,
I'm in a place where nothing bad can touch me.
Sometimes there's just, we're ignoring the bad stuff and not processing it.
So every once in a while, I say, maybe have yourself like a, like just kind of like a
(17:09):
bitch fest day, you know, just to acknowledge some of the things that went wrong and you
couldn't resolve them.
And then you like, I don't know, have a toast to them or something.
I don't have that anymore.
La Blanc, man.
Okay.
Like, no, no, like the trauma and the crap that I went through, I've, I've addressed
(17:30):
it.
I've talked to it and I've filed it away because I will not identify as that anymore.
I'm not using that as a meaning for my, the belief is gone.
I guess is what I, the reason I wanted to talk about beliefs in the first place.
It's like, I was so hardcore in my trauma.
(17:53):
I honest, it took me to a, it took me to a dark place.
I understand.
Which I took to your podcast.
It's your loss.
Yeah.
But, you know, that's the place to talk about it if there's ever is a place.
Um, just, you know, be, be open.
Oh, exactly.
(18:13):
No, no, no.
I, I feel like I'm climbing a mountain though.
And I'm not going to step down to address anything more.
I'm not stepping down.
Well, what my belief is now is that I went through this so I can help.
I've helped so many people already that have reached out and I know you have for sure.
(18:38):
You've helped me.
I, uh, I've got a kind of a taste on how much, um, I've been putting out there as far
as like words of support and everything like that as definitely as I've been getting more
in touch with myself too, because it will last couple of years.
I mean, there's reasons that I went to therapy that were, uh, like physically beneficial
(18:59):
for me, um, and I wanted to bring kind of like that piece to others.
And I was kind of reminded of that when I hung out with a friend this weekend, um, when
I met his sister-in-law who I'd never seen in my life, and she goes, Oh, you're Michael
LeBlanc.
And I went, she said, Yeah, you're a celebrity around here.
People, people really like you.
(19:20):
And I was like, thank you.
I had to like push that out because I have such a heart problem.
Like, I like accepting words of praise.
Like, it's always cool when I get them.
But a lot of times I tend to like play them off.
It's got, Oh, I'm, it's nothing.
But sometimes it really is something to other people and downplaying it really doesn't help
them.
So I just go, thank you.
(19:41):
That's very nice.
Um, much gratitude.
Yeah.
Uh, so I wish for you nothing but, uh, upwards growth.
Um, but I also want to say that if there's ever a point where, you know, you go to step
up and maybe there wasn't some support there than you thought and you slip down a couple
of steps, give yourself some grace, reach out to people, keep being you.
(20:04):
Okay.
And now I can do that.
Okay.
As long as you promise to that.
No, I promise you're probably going to be the first person I called too.
And it'll be, it'll be something happened.
I don't know.
I'm right now, I'm the belief is I'm, I'm hunting for that money.
Amen.
I'm hunting.
I'm on a hunt.
(20:24):
I'm going to do that only fans business.
Oh, okay.
All right.
I told you about that.
Yeah.
No, you told me, I just didn't realize you were going to tell everybody like right now
before you even hear, well, you may have already hit record.
That's none of my business.
I'm producing.
Oh, did I tell you?
I'm producing.
I thought you were photographer.
(20:46):
I'm a producer.
I'd be more power to you if you were going to be talent too.
I, well, it might just happen that I have to be some talent.
I mean, oh, I'm going to suffer through that.
You have to suffer for your art for that one.
Right.
Can I tell you a little bit about what I thought?
(21:06):
I need you to please.
Okay.
All right.
So, the first thing I looked for was, I wanted to see what some people's beliefs are when
it comes to sexuality in general.
And there were, let's see if I can count properly.
There were seven key points on here that came up.
(21:29):
And then what I did is I wrote a little bit about myself, about them to try to figure
out exactly where I stood on that and to see if some of these beliefs I'm harboring or
if some of these beliefs I have completely said, no, that, that makes no sense.
Like, you know, like Easter Bunny never made sense to me.
Never believed it.
(21:50):
And I'll just go through these real quick.
First one being sex is often surrounded by dysfunctional beliefs, including that the
idea is dirty or sinful.
Many religious and cultural teachings have perpetuated those negative views.
The idea that sexual pleasure is immoral leads to shame and repression.
That one right there is not so much a belief as much as it is cause and effect.
(22:15):
Sexual, uh, no, sexual energy is natural and vital for health and well-being.
And this is where I began to see like this was a good mix.
It wasn't just all negative.
People are often conditioned to feel guilt about their sexual desires.
Breaking free from these beliefs is essential for fulfilling life.
Which is great.
I love that line.
And prosperity includes sexual health and freedom from shame.
(22:40):
Uh, and yeah.
And we've, we've talked, I think we've talked about some of these, especially the aspect
of shame and why that's not healthy.
Um, in fact, the last episode that I edited, which, uh, is your interview with me, I mentioned
on there that I felt better about myself when I realized that the fantasies that I was having
(23:02):
of a relation with a man was, uh, not bringing like any afterwaves of shame afterwards.
Like I wasn't going, oh man, I'm having these dirty thoughts.
What's wrong with me?
I was just like, huh, that's interesting.
And you know, as I was growing and thinking about that and experimenting with what I liked
and what I thought, there was, there was no shame.
(23:25):
Now there was one point where there was, and looking back on it now, 20 years later, I
find, I feel like how silly it was.
And that was, uh, my choice of pornography was found out by everybody who was in the
house at the time, which included two roommates and my wife.
I had not told anybody, uh, since I told my wife that first time that I was, uh, bisexual
(23:51):
or bi curious at that point, you know, still trying to figure out exactly what that all
meant to me.
Uh, and so like I was watching anything and everything, which included, uh, transsexual
born, uh, BDSM.
I mean, I was, it was a cavalcade of everything and everything.
Yeah.
And I was in there.
I have, I have no idea what's going to fit now in my mind.
(24:13):
Now that I'm having these thoughts, let's find out.
And then my laptop was just left open unlocked for everybody to see.
And they were like, Oh, Michael watches this.
And I'm like, Oh, uh, uh, uh, it, it, it just, it, it's malware.
It must be malware.
And I was like, Oh man.
And so looking back at the, I should have owned it.
(24:34):
I really should have.
Yep, you know, that's, that's, that's what's doing it for me right now.
Um, I'm letting go of that shame and being open with who I am and what I like and being
with a partner that understands all that.
Like she asks open questions.
Like sometimes she's like, Hey, are you still looking at this particular type of porn?
And I'm like, no, I've moved on to this because it's really interesting.
(24:55):
I saw this in it and it kinks up Reddit.
And I was like, what does that look like?
And I, you know, she, it may not be her cup of tea, but she's not judging me for it.
And I think she knows, man.
Yeah.
She knows she's been there.
Like, yeah.
I mean, and it was cool because I'm not touching that.
Yeah.
(25:15):
And she's, and she's told me about, you know, things that she's enjoyed too.
The back and forth is just great.
So being free from shame is just amazing in general.
I mean, this year I went to pride, letting everybody know, putting those photos up everywhere.
Um, just being, being the me that I want to be is been great and freeing.
(25:36):
So that right there, I feel like has turned into a belief for me that there's no real
reason.
There's never a reason to broadcast it everywhere I go, but there's no reason to hide when people
like, when it's, it's time to like have that conversation with somebody or find comfortable
with somebody, you know?
And if they don't like it, well, you know, they can just, uh,
(25:56):
we won't invite them to the dinner party.
Okay.
We're going to have a big dinner party.
We're going to have all the rich folks there and we're going to have everybody that ever
podcasted with us and things and we're going to have bisexual coffee and we won't invite
them.
No, you just leave them out.
They won't be with us and they won't have fun.
I bet you anything that all those rich people have like some of the kinkiest kinks out there
(26:17):
too, man.
They, they need something to feel alive, you know?
I want to ask Marcus.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, tell me, tell us, Marcus.
You ever had a finger up your butt?
Yeah.
It feels so good.
Go ahead, open with that.
See where the conversation goes from there.
Marcus, serious?
I will.
I'll give him shit.
And so, and then, so I answered a few of those right there just to kind of see where
(26:42):
I was and kind of, it's kind of the conversation that we're having right now, uh, or at least
the story that I'm telling you right now about how I'm feeling, the fact that I don't fully
believe that my gender is 100% male, that's something that I believe, and I believe that
a lot of people have more fluidity in them than they're willing to admit because it makes
(27:04):
them feel either ostracized by their own instilled beliefs or if it makes them feel uncomfortable
in whatever position they believe that they're in.
But then again, there can be, I mean, as much as I'm saying that, I'm sure there are people
out there who are just strictly cis, the way they came out 100% straight, they're never
going to see anything and they don't have any thoughts.
(27:26):
I'm blown away by those people.
I'm serious because I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it.
And I was getting pissed off more and more every single day, just angrier and angrier,
like, okay, why aren't people accepting me?
Why aren't people accepting this version of me?
(27:48):
That was the belief.
Holding yourself to their own perceptions and wondering why you don't fit, I guess.
Exactly.
I mean, that goes into the shame thing, right?
And it sounds like we both tend to do a good job on letting go of that.
Oh, yeah.
(28:08):
Yeah, because it doesn't exist.
It's not real.
The belief was that my ex-husband didn't love me.
Well, I think what they're all picking up on was I wasn't being me.
Sure.
I wasn't being myself.
Yeah, being genuinely genuine is people can pick up on that.
(28:30):
But I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I didn't know I should be this, you know, because of the Baptist cult and things.
My dad was like, praise the Lord.
Praise Jesus.
We love him.
Past the tray or past the bowl or whatever the hell you put the money in.
Pass it.
I want to put all my money in there.
Is Donald Trump here today?
(28:51):
I'm putting money in there for him too.
Oh, goodness.
Jewish Baptist people.
It's a very strange element.
That is.
So you were raised in the Baptist, Baptist cult that you're feeling, right?
Very cultish.
I was raised in the Baptist faith, but it wasn't the cultish kind of me.
(29:17):
My parents, they practiced religion in a way where they knew it was a part of their past.
So they really felt like they should hang on to it a little bit.
And so we went to church a couple of times, like one time for a whole like two years.
But it wasn't anything that was like.
That's stuck.
Yeah.
(29:37):
That's how you usually say that.
It didn't stick.
Mom came back to the religion that she perceived, you know, the religion that made her peace
was basically just like a oneness with God.
It wasn't really necessarily denominational.
And I don't know what dad believed.
(29:58):
He was kind of all over the board.
He was raised a pastor son.
He thought he was going to be a pastor when he grew up.
But I mean, he became the hippie that he was, which isn't it isn't it isn't a bad
thing being being a hippie.
There's no real bad problem with that.
It's some of his other qualities that made it kind of hard to get along with them.
But overall, they did the best for me and I'm glad for that.
(30:21):
But after I got out of there, I was still holding on to Christian beliefs, heaven, hell,
God, Jesus, all the stories that, you know, that make it such a wonderful tale.
A tale that so many people can relate to.
And when I was in the military, I got to the point where I was feeling a lot of anxiety
(30:45):
and we're going into a war zone.
I mean, we were there for the anti terrorist war, whichever one that was called fight terrorism,
go go away terrorism now, whatever it was called.
We were out there.
We were trying to find Saddam.
We don't wind up finding we wind up finding him.
But still we're in a war zone, like going to Bahrain and seeing how those buildings were
(31:08):
just destroyed when we got there on the shore.
Constant reminder.
And so I started thinking, what happens if I die out here?
What happened?
They might have, I've been good enough.
Have I done all the right things?
And it started giving me anxiety attacks.
So I told myself, I was like, should my religion be doing this?
Should my religion be making me feel fear constantly because I don't know if I'm doing
(31:34):
good enough?
Is there another way?
And so I started digging into other religions, found Buddhism.
Yeah, found Buddhism, right?
Got comfortable with the idea of Buddhism, especially how the golden rule and karma seemed
so very much the same.
It's just one's more spiritual driven and the other one is just like common decent driven
(31:57):
that turns into mysticism by the end a little bit because reincarnation itself is very spiritual,
but still in a way it's its own form of mysticism for me, which is still hard for me to kind
of grab onto, but I'm working on it.
But I called myself a Christian Buddhist for the longest time because I'm like, I know
that there are people out here who do both.
(32:17):
And then eventually they just drop it.
Yeah, there are.
And that's why I found a whole like three or four books in the Chaplains Library about
this and I went through them over about a year and a half while I was out on the ship.
Before I got out, I had made the decision of like, I'm just Buddhist.
Like there's a there, I don't know which one.
There are a few different.
(32:39):
It's not the nominations.
I can't remember the name of it right now.
That's how good of a Buddhist I am.
But there are different types that I don't know.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
Well, there's here's the thing too that I've taken away from Buddhism with my addiction.
Eliminate desire.
(33:00):
Yeah.
Drop and hit.
Well, I threw that.
I threw that coaster right on the ground.
It's great.
Eliminate desire and you eliminate suffering.
Yes.
And that's what I've been working on.
I'd say it's cost me a pretty penny too.
I won't, I won't tell you how much, but it's cost me quite a bit to get rid of the being
(33:24):
addicted to guilt and shame.
Yeah.
I mean, they start, look, they start on us when we're little too.
So even if you don't go to church, you are watching the boob tube.
Yeah.
And the boob tube is, hey, you're not enough.
You need this hair color.
Hey, you're not enough.
You need this doctor.
You need, you need this car.
(33:46):
You need to go here and there's this concert and that concert.
And then of course there's social media and the Kardashians.
Especially now, yeah.
They kept building themselves.
Yeah.
And, and it's really like, I don't even really watch TV anymore.
I mean, we really have to work to, I mean, we've got so much shit we're doing.
(34:10):
We have to really sit down and really watch a movie and like, and we don't have time.
So it may be like once or twice a month.
The recording stopped for me for just a second.
Hold on.
Oh, it's fine.
Let it go.
Okay.
It said, it's still recording on my end.
Oh, okay.
(34:30):
So I just also want to clarify for anybody who's younger on here, maybe under the age
of like 30 or something like that.
If you're listening to this, the boob tube is not what you think it is.
That sounds like you're watching a porn hub.
No, that is just what we used to call television.
And it was a giant glass, hulking ball and encased in metal and wood.
(34:54):
And it probably gave us like radiation damage, but it feeds a lot into the stereotypes that
I was reading before.
If it wasn't joking about sexuality, it was people looking at people who were openly either
having sex or living a different life other than, you know, cis-het and going, you know,
(35:15):
shame, shame on them.
Look how bad, look how different they're doing.
They should come to Jesus at some point or whatever, or whatever salvation they believed
in pushed at the time.
Autonomy is your salvation.
Yeah.
The autonomy is complete salvation.
I like that.
I like that.
That should be, you should sell something with that on there.
(35:37):
I, you know, I've got so many things I want to do, like t-shirts and, you know, the pot.
It's just the whole, you know, we're still dealing with, you know, my loving father.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, it's not the time.
It's not the time, but maybe one day.
Yeah.
Yes.
So that's the thing about not being addicted anymore is that, and, and like the Buddhists,
(36:03):
okay, they get this.
It's like when you're not addicted anymore, you're not addicted to an outcome.
You're not attaching your meaning to someone else's reality anymore.
It's not exhausting.
It's no longer, I'm not sitting over here making excuses for who I am.
I am living my life.
Yeah.
And I'm being the best partner I possibly can to someone I love very much and I'm here
(36:28):
and I'm present.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I'm loving and kind to whoever I'm intimate with or, you know, there's none of that where
I'm going to shame someone for my shenanigans.
You're sounding very leaf on the wind right now.
And I can kind of respect that.
(36:52):
I'm just tired.
I've been, I've been kind of a people pleaser since way back and I get a lot of that from
like watching my parents and making sure the things that I was doing like wasn't really,
especially my mom upsetting my mom because she was pretty volatile back in my early teens
and that kind of stuck with me.
And I've been unpacking all that, but there is, there is a freedom in being interested
(37:22):
and being kind of playful with knowing what these events that I'm going to do in my creative
life and my love life and the conversations that I have with people, what outcome is that
going to be?
And of course I'm not going for negative outcomes, but they do happen.
(37:43):
And the one thing that I've got to do is when they do happen, don't hold on to the memory
of that and wonder what was going to change it because that'll cause that suffering.
And again, it all does come back to the elimination of suffering.
No matter exactly what type of Buddhism that you subscribe to.
Well I looked up some things actually, some, some different views from different parts
(38:06):
of Buddhism.
And it broke down into four points for me.
And then it also talked about areas such as Japan, Sri Lanka and Western Buddhism.
Theravada Buddhism focuses on ethics and they're the most probably conservative.
They discourage same sex relationships and marriage.
(38:28):
But the emphasis is more about just avoiding sexual misconduct, which for them is anything
other than vaginal sex.
So explain that again.
They do discourage same sex relationships, but more the biggest emphasis is on making
sure you avoid sexual misconduct, which is anything other than penis and vaginal sex.
(38:54):
Yes.
Anything.
Anything.
That would be me.
Yeah.
I'm already out of that.
Mahayana Buddhism, more diverse, some schools are very accepting of the LGBTQ plus.
The most thing that they want to do is no matter what you're doing is that you're being
compassionate to yourself as well to everybody around you and that there's no self harm or
(39:18):
harm on others, no matter what acts that you're actually doing.
It's all love brother.
I think this is pronounced Vajrayana Buddhism.
Again, I might butcher some of these.
I haven't said that yet.
I meant to say that.
I'm probably going to butcher some of these.
Yeah, Vajrayana.
(39:39):
So it might be Vajrayana.
It might be.
The A and the J might make that E sound.
They're very complex.
They're more complex, but it's mostly because sex isn't necessarily a physical thing as
much as it is in twining sexual energy between people.
So that's me right there.
(39:59):
And then the more modern you get, the more they're more accepting of LGBTQI plus, including
having marriages in their temples.
But even the Dalai Lama says, love who you love.
Be true to yourself because if you're anything else other than yourself, you are causing
yourself suffering.
(40:21):
But we as Buddhists don't really condone anything other than standard vaginal sex.
Anything else is a misconduct.
So they're still holding on to that idea, which leads you into being back in the fourth
and fifth centuries.
There was two different terms.
(40:42):
One had a really long name and I couldn't pronounce it no matter how much it tried,
so I wasn't going to do it on camera.
And that one seemed to describe people who were intersex of some sort.
But either one of them said that they had the body of one sex, but the soul of another.
(41:02):
And those weren't as ostracized as this one, which is called the Pandaka.
So Pandakas are anything that's not seen as like normal humans.
So people with dwarfism, people who may dabble in homosexuality, people who are talking lesbians,
(41:26):
intersex, like I said, I did say dwarfism, right?
Yeah, because that one was like, wow, not even that one.
People who, even hermits at the time, were all kind of just lumped under this one thing.
So if you weren't a normal human being contributing and doing things normal as far as society
(41:47):
saw you were a Pandaka, as far as I can tell.
I'm a Pandaka.
Yeah, I may be butchering this, but I had to read this article like four or five times
to even get understanding, because technical articles kind of confused me sometimes.
I had to keep reading them.
But the idea is what they couldn't achieve enlightenment during their life.
(42:09):
So if you were a Pandaka, the thing was is that you weren't, you couldn't understand
karma, even if it was presented to you, your brain just can't understand it.
I couldn't, you and I, we couldn't make donations to begging monks, because that's giving out
positive karma.
There's no way that we can do that.
(42:30):
That's not our thing.
We should be able to do that.
We can't even meditate.
Oh, well, that's not me.
You know, even if it's like, I don't know if it's, even if it's by yourself, but like
as a group, like you couldn't be, you're not with the rest of the monks.
You're not hanging with the rest of the crew.
But other people thought, and this is kind of a little romantic in a way, is that the
(42:54):
reason that we are the way that we are is because, and why we can't achieve enlightenment
right now is because we're stuck in a past life's karma and inflection.
So we're channeling someone else who was before us and we couldn't let go either due
to bad karma or just a, I guess a hiccup in the system, so to speak.
(43:15):
So I got to elaborate on all that business.
Yeah, do it.
You just gave us.
So I was talking to my friend and she told me, I've been asleep.
I'm like, what do you mean I've been asleep?
She goes, you've been asleep for 50 years, baby.
(43:36):
And you've been trying to wake up from this deep sleep for a very long time and you couldn't
wake up because you weren't born to the correct parents.
What ended up happening is your inner goddess had to take over and start shaping you into
(44:00):
the person that she believed that you are.
And my inner goddess is my little girl.
And I'm being a parent for her that I wasn't afforded to.
My parents weren't that to me because their parents weren't that to them.
(44:21):
I got you.
I fuck with that so hard.
Yeah.
Like that's a lot.
That is.
I mean, I feel like at one point though, you are about to wake up in a like a bubble of
goo that's charging up a massive like battery for the machines, you know, maybe we're all
just in the matrix.
But in a spiritual view, like not being glib.
(44:44):
No, I, I, I'm, yeah, I mean that I fuck with that really hard.
Like, I, I have such a want that I've found out of wanting to connect with my inner child
and give him the things that I feel like would have made my life easier.
(45:05):
But also in the way that I know that I can't do that.
The only thing I can do is, is like heal the child that's there.
Like I can't change the outcome.
If I did, I'd change the reason that I'd want to be there in the first place.
But just to, just to, just to heal the inner child is totally worth it.
Is a goal.
(45:26):
And here, here's how you do it.
Here's how you do it.
Okay.
Everything you're afraid of, you write it down on a sheet of paper.
Everything.
Okay.
Every single thing, whether it's bridges or, you know, it might be blonde women.
Just kidding.
(45:46):
I'm just kidding.
But you know what I'm saying?
It's like you, you write all these things down and then you start addressing it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Addressing whatever it is.
One of my fears was no one likes me.
No one likes me.
No one likes Edith.
I'm always alone.
(46:07):
I'm this, I'm that.
I had this meaning that I was attached to, right?
Right.
So in order to start this podcast and when I talked to Kevin Smith, he's like, you can't
tell yourself that.
He's like, don't tell yourself that because you'll have like one person listening to you.
Yeah.
I can't say things like that.
(46:28):
Because you're going to project that shit, right?
He likes me.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
And so what I do is, is I'm like, Edith's a badass man.
Edith is cool as hell.
Even though the name, I mean the name in and of itself, I should be around 206 with some
(46:51):
muddy brown hair, no makeup and certainly not on this podcast.
You get to tell everybody what Edith means.
You don't have to, you don't have to.
I'm teasing.
Yeah.
This is a joke.
It's how I used to see it.
Now I see Edith and I'm like, man, look at my, my crazy voodoo doll over here.
(47:13):
Look at her.
Look at her.
She's got a string attached to her.
Man, she is a raggedy.
I see that.
And then self love over here.
Like I told you, I'm working on the studio.
I already got the handyman lined up ready to go to make the room soundproof.
It's going to get painted new, new like molding and shit.
(47:37):
It's going to be, yeah.
And then the lighting and I have, one of the things I want to buy is like one of those
really big iPads.
So we can have, I was going to get us like a neon light, but I don't want to order that
shit off Amazon.
Cause who knows if that'll fit.
(47:59):
You know, I figure if I put the big iPad behind me, then we can see our logo.
Yeah.
You know, yeah.
Eventually get you one too.
I need to get my own studio space in general.
Somebody who has been seeing behind the scenes whenever I make anything, they know this is
(48:20):
just a corner of my living room where all of my cool, colorful stuff goes.
And we do have an extra room, but that is where the litter boxes is for the cats, you
know, hang out and whatnot.
So are the cats now?
And I don't want to have my studio hanging out with litter boxes.
I got, no, I've got, I've got a little too much pride in myself for that.
(48:41):
Um, well, and you want it and like, this is the goal.
This is, this is what we're doing.
And this is what we're telling everybody.
If you believe it, it'll happen.
I mean, of course you want it all to be good.
You don't want to sit there and think about bad shit.
Cause that'll happen.
(49:02):
Yeah.
But if you think like I used to not compliment myself and be very nice to myself.
And now I'm like, bitch, you are hot.
I tell myself that.
Oh yeah.
I'm like, even when I don't feel it, you know, I've just, I've changed my verbiage and
(49:23):
my beliefs, mainly my beliefs.
On a scale of a one to 10, one being the easiest thing you've ever done and 10 being,
you know, the, the hardest things you've never done yet.
How easy do you feel it was once you started thinking about who you actually are to finally
(49:46):
get to that point to tell yourself that I am, you know, I am the sexy bitch.
When I got out of my own way, I got out of my own way.
I had to eliminate all my lovers.
I had to eliminate my boyfriend.
I had to eliminate my husband.
I just want to clarify these people are all still alive.
Um, yes.
I just, I just kind of, well, I had to have like break, not break up, but take time out
(50:15):
and be alone and figure this out.
And like, why am I attracting just such horrible mean people?
Cause I was being horribly mean, horribly mean to myself.
The things I would say to myself.
I'm like, and it's taken me this long because, because of the Baptist cult situation.
(50:38):
Sure.
It's reprogramming, right?
Yeah.
My dad wasn't that bad.
He was just my dad.
Yeah.
Just didn't know.
He was trying.
He was doing the best with what he knew.
He was born in 1943.
Imagine what was going on then.
I mean, I heard of the depression 20 years after, no, 10, 15 years.
(51:02):
After World War two.
No, that's one year.
That's after World War one because the 40s was World War two.
So 42.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
There's a lot going on, obviously.
Uh, and I, I think I found out the same thing about my parents too.
You know, just really thinking about on it and thinking, you know, there's some things
(51:23):
they did out of spite and anger, but that's just because they're human like everybody
else, but it wasn't a continuous barrage of that.
And they were exactly doing the best with the cards that they were dealt, even though
they were trying to play poker with a pack of go fish cards.
It was, it was, they were still, you know, still sitting down to play the game for the
most part.
(51:45):
But it doesn't answer my question on a scale of one to 10, how hard was it?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, a 10.
It was 10 and 40,000.
It was, I'll tell you how much it was.
It was 40,000 for me to travel and do all the things that I did and get the people that
were on the podcast and, and I paid to lives and, uh, just all kinds of hotel room.
(52:12):
You just name it.
And all of that got me right here.
But you did it.
And I'm okay.
Yeah.
And I'm looking for more money because we're taking this.
This is going to be, this is for real.
10,000 while we step in on business.
It all came back around.
That's what I'm talking about.
(52:32):
If I could play that song legally at the end of the song, that would be the moment.
Uh, stupid, lysing, seeing and not being able to play the songs that I want.
Even if we played it now, let me see.
No, don't do it.
Don't do it.
If you ever want to get this thing on YouTube or anything like that, we got to be, we got
(52:53):
to be prudent.
We got to be on the up and up.
We do.
We do this the right way.
Um,
I know we really do.
But uh, all right.
Well, there is so much more that I would love to talk about.
I really would love to dig into, uh, if you're willing, some of the stories that you might
have pertaining to your sexual addiction, because I guarantee you as much as we want
(53:15):
to talk about, you know, being queer and everything unrelated to people, that's going
to relate to some people too, who are living in some serious shame right now.
Who may want to hear that.
Do we have time?
Do you have time to stop this episode and then start another one?
Not tonight.
It's about to be a movie night with my loved one and what she calls hobo, hobo packs filled
(53:36):
full of vegetables and chicken that have been roasting in the oven and boiled this entire
time.
Oh my God.
I want the recipe.
Tell her I want the recipe.
I want to do it.
It's so easy.
It's so easy.
Olive oil, salt, pepper, any kind of, uh, hot spice that you want because you want a
good, you know, good warm flavor in there, chop up potatoes, onions, chop up a raw chicken,
(53:58):
fold it up into a nice folded foil pack, put your oven on 375, cook it for an hour and
a half, then like just check the, check your temperature of your chicken for you to eat
it.
It's so simple.
It sounds amazing.
It's so simple.
And this is something that's in her head.
Like she's known this for ever since she was a little girl because of the camping that
they used to do.
And so I love it.
(54:19):
Yeah.
Oh, I love it.
She is full of so many cool things.
However, all of all the cool things that she knows, and I feel like this is a good cap
for the episode right now out of all the cool things that she knows, you know what she doesn't
know?
What?
And this is a testament to just how, what she doesn't want to pay attention.
Yes.
(54:40):
I don't, she probably would go, I'm not pure.
I'm like in the eyes of some people you are, you don't even know what only fans is because
I love her.
I told her that.
And she's like, oh, cool.
What's only fans?
And I'm like, you are a pure, gentle soul in this world and you don't need to know everything.
That is great.
But that's older.
But then again, I also told her that, and some people may not know this, but only fans
(55:07):
was not necessarily made for the intention that it's mostly being used right now.
But when people found out that you could put videos behind a paywall and escape any kind
of like getting canceled because of that, like people are paying to see it.
So it started being heavily used for that.
I, I direct tweeted them one time.
(55:28):
I was like, Hey, thinking about doing an only fans or people come to me for just whatever
life advice that they have, and we'll sit there and just like talk about it one on one.
And they're like, Oh, that's a great idea.
That's the kind of ideas that only fans was made for.
Yeah, I kind of laughed.
I didn't respond to them.
I'm like, well, I'm excited.
(55:51):
Yeah, I'm excited for you.
Thank you.
I appreciate your kindness, Michael.
Long indeed.
Peace out and word to your mother.
Indeed.
Bye.
Peace.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye.
A crisp photograph of Edith and Michael Leblanc as we discuss life and philosophy and bisexual
(00:09):
coffee.
Yes, yes.
Mademoiselle, but before we do, I have a question for you.
I need to know if you can finish this phrase, okay?
I'm going to start it off.
All you have to do is just give me the end of it.
Absolutely.
Wait a minute.
Live it how you live it.
Tintos in while we eat peanut butter and ants on white bread.
(00:37):
Oh, that's great.
You may not be as chronically online as I am.
So there's this.
Oh, was it supposed to have fingers and penises or something?
No, no.
It's just really good song.
This dude who's like, I think he's Indian that was raised in Texas and he pays, he's
(01:04):
paying homage to like a whole bunch of different rappers in this one particular song, but it
starts off so good and it's a wait a minute.
Live it how you live it.
Tintos in while we step in in business.
I'm a big stepper underground methods and it just it hits so hard and the video came
out.
I think at the same time the song did, if not, it doesn't matter because the video hits
(01:27):
hard because the moment the first beat hits, he's actually stomping and the whole arena
shakes and at that moment I was like, I'm in it.
So that's what I brought to you.
He won you over.
Yeah.
That's what I brought to you from the internet today.
Plus a whole other things I'm really excited about today and our conversation.
(01:48):
Yeah.
It's going to be great today's conversation is about beliefs and the addict beliefs.
That's the curveball.
I didn't throw you beliefs and the addict, the addict, the addict because and that it's
(02:09):
the perfect topic for our last guest, the bisexual chef.
No, what was he, non-binary chef.
I do apologize.
The non-binary chef who is also an addict now.
I've got all these wonderful questions for him.
Oh, so you're gearing up for a, you're gearing up for another underground.
(02:33):
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Part two.
Well, and for a secondary kind of got a little tied up because there's another person who
we're talking to has non-binary in their title as well.
And it was like, wait, we haven't talked to him yet.
But no, that's the non-binary dad.
Yeah.
So, so we're, we're, I think that's next week actually.
(02:54):
So, you know, oh, that's exciting.
Yeah.
And then I spoke one other before, before we go into beliefs and the addict, I want to
tell you that I talked, I spoke with Marcus Allen, freshman, okay, who was the most hated
man besides Andrew Tate, the most hated man on TikTok.
(03:17):
And he's going to be on our podcast and he called me from Los Angeles today.
I'm super excited.
He's done with the Republican national convention, but he has got questions.
So many questions.
He's got questions.
Yes.
Because he listened to the podcast you published yesterday.
(03:40):
Okay.
He listened to the podcast, the bisexual coffee.
He listened to my interview with you.
Nice.
And my editorial, uh, debut for a bisexual podcast.
Absolutely.
The whole coming out, the whole sexuality thing.
Right.
I'm telling you, I think you're waking up, Mr. Marcus Allen, freshman.
(04:02):
I mean, he's waking us up and we're waking him up.
And it's, it's interesting because he was like, so Michael was married before.
And I said, yes.
Yes.
And he said, married to a woman.
Cause I wasn't sure if he was married to a woman or a man.
I said, no, married to a woman.
(04:23):
Yep.
Get prepared for that.
Cause he's, he's going to ask you all these questions.
I'm sure.
And he was like, but the first wife didn't understand because he didn't tell her right
away.
And I said, well, it seems like that, doesn't it?
And he said, so the second wife he was very open with.
(04:45):
And I said, absolutely.
Yes.
And he said, and, and they're still together.
And I said, yeah, absolutely.
They're still together.
So I have a feeling he's got some questions for you.
Oh, I can't wait.
I just love him.
Yep.
Uh, and speaking of last episode, I need to know if you've seen the video yet.
(05:07):
Have you looked at the video?
I, okay.
So you emailed me.
Yeah.
The link.
Our Google drive.
Yep.
So when you get a chance, get, when you get a chance, watch it, scrub forward to about
16 minutes and you'll see the magic happen.
Okay.
It's not going to, I'm not going to.
In the video.
(05:28):
I'm not going to give anything away, but I had to do a little magic and I just want
you to see it.
It's, I'm telling you, it's a little, it's the least amount of magic I think I could
have done, but still it's nice.
I think, I think you'll like it.
So let's, let's get into these beliefs and this is a, it's a broad word.
(05:52):
One.
I mean, you can believe in anything.
You can believe in Santa Claus.
You can believe in your, your, yourself, you can believe in somebody else.
You can believe that birds aren't real and that the CEI, the CEIA is just has a whole
bunch of feather drones out there that are spying on us.
So many different beliefs.
So what were you thinking?
What was the seed of thought that first came into your head when you said beliefs?
(06:13):
Because my brain may have went in a different direction and I'm interested.
I'm excited for both.
I scheduled a couple of hours.
So we may have to do this in pieces.
So we can, you know, we'll schedule them all.
I'm okay making the series.
Yeah, me too.
I'll do a series.
So, so what I was thinking about was naked onion mystery tours podcast.
(06:35):
We did an episode on beliefs and I haven't listened to it.
It's something I'm going to listen to after this podcast, but I have changed as a person.
I came out to those women.
I came out and they were treating me like a pick me.
(07:00):
Like, I'm not really sure what a pick me is.
Well, I mean, you pretty much on the point is like, you know, all y'all are cool, but
look, I've got the qualities that everybody should like, everybody look at me, you know,
pick me.
I'm the, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm the cool original girl, you know, I'm the Zoe Deschanel of the
(07:20):
show.
Does that help?
Okay.
That, that was definitely me.
Okay.
But that's just me all the time.
And I came out to them and I was like, yep, I'm pan.
I didn't really know what the definition was in that moment because I hadn't been living
as a pan person.
(07:40):
I'd only been thinking about it.
I'm an addict.
Remember, I'm addicted to that straight lifestyle.
I was brought up in, in a, uh, Baptist cult.
Yeah.
Right.
Like people don't get it.
When you wake up and you're fed the same soup every single day, you start talking like
the soup.
(08:01):
Right.
Yeah, that makes sense.
You start, you start like, okay, I'm in a Baptist cult.
Why isn't any, you know, so I'm, I'm having, I'm like having to bring people to the Lord
and shit.
And I'm like, why do I have to bring these people to the Lord?
Shouldn't they just want to be like me?
Shouldn't they just want to be Christ like in all this shit?
(08:23):
Yeah.
Cause at the time it makes sense to you.
You can't understand why does it make sense to everybody else?
You're, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, after 45 years of fighting with people and like, look, you know, and then I become
a nurse and then there's certain rules to nursing and, and a healthy lifestyle.
(08:47):
And I start becoming addicted to all of these different beliefs.
And because of the Baptist cult, I'm trying to bring people to a healthy lifestyle or
I'm trying to bring them.
And that was one of the clicks in naked onion was, you know, I'm, I'm interviewing people
(09:09):
and I'm pretending to be all these different people until it fucks me up.
You're painting yourself into a personality corner, which I mean, I guess that's what
happens when you grow up, so to speak, in front of a microphone or a camera.
I mean, and it's bound to happen to people of all ages.
(09:31):
You definitely hear about it with people growing up, like literally from the, from child to
adulthood, where, you know, their views change, their priorities change and whatnot.
And they're taking a look around.
Then there's always that awkward stage where like somebody who was previously a child in
Hollywood becomes an adult and they want to start, you know, expressing themselves as
(09:54):
an adult, which means maybe dressing a little sexier or maybe being true about who they
are as, as their sexuality or identity or everything and wondering what that's going
to do to them, you know, in their, in their sphere, in their sphere of influence.
And so I guess, I guess you went through a little of that, huh?
(10:14):
I mean, it was identity crisis, like a motherfucker.
Because I was, you know, and I had Adam A. Vittable, like I said, he's pan and I can't
wait for you to meet him.
Just announced, I haven't sent him an invite yet.
Obviously I've been traveling for months and I'm finally home.
(10:38):
But getting away, like my partner right now, right?
Perfect.
Everything is perfect.
It's good.
Still, it's still good balance of apprenticeship right now.
You know what?
It's more like a marriage now.
I mean, in the sense that it was almost like there was a control dynamic when I just came
(10:59):
in.
Which isn't healthy.
Right.
I wasn't going to relinquish my control of myself and he wasn't going to relinquish his
control of his self.
He wanted what he wanted.
I wanted what I wanted.
We both love each other.
Now we're at this place where we're willing to give each other what, what we were asking
(11:23):
for in the beginning, but never knew how to ask because we both grew up in the same,
we're both 55.
I mean, codependency was a flipping thing.
That's what you did when you got home.
The woman had food ready on the table and the husband just, I don't know, you were Archie
(11:44):
Bunker.
And just so we're clear, I just want to make sure that we're, that I'm still thinking the
same thing.
So you've entered a marriage state with somebody who right now I would say you're emotionally
intimate with, but not physically, which is what I want.
Yeah.
With someone I live with.
(12:04):
Okay.
Do you follow me?
Okay.
So the other stuff I get elsewhere.
Gotcha.
I'm paying.
That's why another reason why I'm paying is because marriage had this depth.
This is a belief, right?
So marriage had this definition for me.
(12:25):
Okay.
My husband needs to be there for me.
My husband needs to listen to me.
My husband needs to respect my boundaries.
My husband needs, these are all the things that I want in my partner, but I wasn't getting
because I was with somebody who was whole and I was incomplete.
Remember I'm an addict.
(12:45):
Yeah.
Yeah, I got you.
I got you.
The addicts will like, if you, in the beginning when we're young and we're sexy and vibrant
and things, we, you know, I mean this for anybody who can identify this way is that I
(13:06):
was sexually, I was manipulative.
Okay.
That's a ferocious man.
It's not cool.
It is terrible.
I've read a few books that do a couple of different things with it that either tell it like it
is and some of the second guessing shame, guilt, sometimes even anger when things don't
(13:34):
happen to go your way.
Like, like it really delved into that.
And then there's been other stories like there was a book bought by Chuck Palinock, the guy
who wrote Fight Club.
All right.
Yes.
Yeah.
I want to say you sent me that.
(13:56):
I think we talked about it before, but it was called Choke, the name of the book.
And it romanticized it only in that really dark and gritty way that Chuck can write.
Like, not really like glorifying it, but definitely adding like a kind of like a weird glitz
and glamour only through his eyes.
And you can only imagine what everybody else is seeing from the outside.
(14:20):
So it's, and then you have, and this one is cheap, but people do it all the time, especially
in movies that cater to like a younger audience from like early teens up to mid twenties and
also depends on how your humor grows from there.
But you know, like sexual comedy video movies, thinking about Euro trip, American pie, stuff
(14:41):
like that.
It's such a dysfunctional way to relate to people.
Yeah.
It's so dysfunctional.
I mean, it was an old belief.
Like I was saying, it was on naked onion.
I'm sitting in front of these women and I'm trying to be, it was almost schizophrenic.
(15:02):
It was almost schizophrenic.
It was so bad.
It was like I had a freaking meltdown.
I did.
I just did.
And Adam was like.
Did you have a meltdown on the podcast?
No.
You would have got so many listeners.
(15:22):
I get it.
I joke.
Oh my God.
That would have been just.
No, I, I didn't even know like I wasn't aware enough of myself.
Sure.
Now I'm fully aware.
Like I am in control of my addiction.
Fully aware hopefully to the chance of being able to grow later, you know.
(15:42):
Oh my God.
There's always more you can find.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Like the love I have for people and the understanding and the kindness and the non judgment and
the, the play self love.
Self love.
I have.
Oh my God.
The patients.
I mean, I don't get annoyed anymore.
(16:04):
I don't.
It is just like my inner voice says bitch, honey, all these people are going through something
baby.
That's true.
I feel it in and mirror joy and get through today.
You will be fine.
I want to, I want to say something just like maybe as like, I don't know if this is like
(16:25):
the devil's advocate type situation, but please you have to, I'm sure you know this, but
for somebody who is reveling in the, in the peace that they're, they're having now and
in the revelation that you're having now of yourself.
You also need to make sure that you are feeling and acknowledging any of the bad stuff that
(16:48):
comes along too.
Because as humans, we, we, we really like to, to feel good in a spot that goes, Hey,
I'm in a place where nothing bad can touch me.
Sometimes there's just, we're ignoring the bad stuff and not processing it.
So every once in a while, I say, maybe have yourself like a, like just kind of like a
(17:09):
bitch fest day, you know, just to acknowledge some of the things that went wrong and you
couldn't resolve them.
And then you like, I don't know, have a toast to them or something.
I don't have that anymore.
La Blanc, man.
Okay.
Like, no, no, like the trauma and the crap that I went through, I've, I've addressed
(17:30):
it.
I've talked to it and I've filed it away because I will not identify as that anymore.
I'm not using that as a meaning for my, the belief is gone.
I guess is what I, the reason I wanted to talk about beliefs in the first place.
It's like, I was so hardcore in my trauma.
(17:53):
I honest, it took me to a, it took me to a dark place.
I understand.
Which I took to your podcast.
It's your loss.
Yeah.
But, you know, that's the place to talk about it if there's ever is a place.
Um, just, you know, be, be open.
Oh, exactly.
(18:13):
No, no, no.
I, I feel like I'm climbing a mountain though.
And I'm not going to step down to address anything more.
I'm not stepping down.
Well, what my belief is now is that I went through this so I can help.
I've helped so many people already that have reached out and I know you have for sure.
(18:38):
You've helped me.
I, uh, I've got a kind of a taste on how much, um, I've been putting out there as far
as like words of support and everything like that as definitely as I've been getting more
in touch with myself too, because it will last couple of years.
I mean, there's reasons that I went to therapy that were, uh, like physically beneficial
(18:59):
for me, um, and I wanted to bring kind of like that piece to others.
And I was kind of reminded of that when I hung out with a friend this weekend, um, when
I met his sister-in-law who I'd never seen in my life, and she goes, Oh, you're Michael
LeBlanc.
And I went, she said, Yeah, you're a celebrity around here.
People, people really like you.
(19:20):
And I was like, thank you.
I had to like push that out because I have such a heart problem.
Like, I like accepting words of praise.
Like, it's always cool when I get them.
But a lot of times I tend to like play them off.
It's got, Oh, I'm, it's nothing.
But sometimes it really is something to other people and downplaying it really doesn't help
them.
So I just go, thank you.
(19:41):
That's very nice.
Um, much gratitude.
Yeah.
Uh, so I wish for you nothing but, uh, upwards growth.
Um, but I also want to say that if there's ever a point where, you know, you go to step
up and maybe there wasn't some support there than you thought and you slip down a couple
of steps, give yourself some grace, reach out to people, keep being you.
(20:04):
Okay.
And now I can do that.
Okay.
As long as you promise to that.
No, I promise you're probably going to be the first person I called too.
And it'll be, it'll be something happened.
I don't know.
I'm right now, I'm the belief is I'm, I'm hunting for that money.
Amen.
I'm hunting.
I'm on a hunt.
(20:24):
I'm going to do that only fans business.
Oh, okay.
All right.
I told you about that.
Yeah.
No, you told me, I just didn't realize you were going to tell everybody like right now
before you even hear, well, you may have already hit record.
That's none of my business.
I'm producing.
Oh, did I tell you?
I'm producing.
I thought you were photographer.
(20:46):
I'm a producer.
I'd be more power to you if you were going to be talent too.
I, well, it might just happen that I have to be some talent.
I mean, oh, I'm going to suffer through that.
You have to suffer for your art for that one.
Right.
Can I tell you a little bit about what I thought?
(21:06):
I need you to please.
Okay.
All right.
So, the first thing I looked for was, I wanted to see what some people's beliefs are when
it comes to sexuality in general.
And there were, let's see if I can count properly.
There were seven key points on here that came up.
(21:29):
And then what I did is I wrote a little bit about myself, about them to try to figure
out exactly where I stood on that and to see if some of these beliefs I'm harboring or
if some of these beliefs I have completely said, no, that, that makes no sense.
Like, you know, like Easter Bunny never made sense to me.
Never believed it.
(21:50):
And I'll just go through these real quick.
First one being sex is often surrounded by dysfunctional beliefs, including that the
idea is dirty or sinful.
Many religious and cultural teachings have perpetuated those negative views.
The idea that sexual pleasure is immoral leads to shame and repression.
That one right there is not so much a belief as much as it is cause and effect.
(22:15):
Sexual, uh, no, sexual energy is natural and vital for health and well-being.
And this is where I began to see like this was a good mix.
It wasn't just all negative.
People are often conditioned to feel guilt about their sexual desires.
Breaking free from these beliefs is essential for fulfilling life.
Which is great.
I love that line.
And prosperity includes sexual health and freedom from shame.
(22:40):
Uh, and yeah.
And we've, we've talked, I think we've talked about some of these, especially the aspect
of shame and why that's not healthy.
Um, in fact, the last episode that I edited, which, uh, is your interview with me, I mentioned
on there that I felt better about myself when I realized that the fantasies that I was having
(23:02):
of a relation with a man was, uh, not bringing like any afterwaves of shame afterwards.
Like I wasn't going, oh man, I'm having these dirty thoughts.
What's wrong with me?
I was just like, huh, that's interesting.
And you know, as I was growing and thinking about that and experimenting with what I liked
and what I thought, there was, there was no shame.
(23:25):
Now there was one point where there was, and looking back on it now, 20 years later, I
find, I feel like how silly it was.
And that was, uh, my choice of pornography was found out by everybody who was in the
house at the time, which included two roommates and my wife.
I had not told anybody, uh, since I told my wife that first time that I was, uh, bisexual
(23:51):
or bi curious at that point, you know, still trying to figure out exactly what that all
meant to me.
Uh, and so like I was watching anything and everything, which included, uh, transsexual
born, uh, BDSM.
I mean, I was, it was a cavalcade of everything and everything.
Yeah.
And I was in there.
I have, I have no idea what's going to fit now in my mind.
(24:13):
Now that I'm having these thoughts, let's find out.
And then my laptop was just left open unlocked for everybody to see.
And they were like, Oh, Michael watches this.
And I'm like, Oh, uh, uh, uh, it, it, it just, it, it's malware.
It must be malware.
And I was like, Oh man.
And so looking back at the, I should have owned it.
(24:34):
I really should have.
Yep, you know, that's, that's, that's what's doing it for me right now.
Um, I'm letting go of that shame and being open with who I am and what I like and being
with a partner that understands all that.
Like she asks open questions.
Like sometimes she's like, Hey, are you still looking at this particular type of porn?
And I'm like, no, I've moved on to this because it's really interesting.
(24:55):
I saw this in it and it kinks up Reddit.
And I was like, what does that look like?
And I, you know, she, it may not be her cup of tea, but she's not judging me for it.
And I think she knows, man.
Yeah.
She knows she's been there.
Like, yeah.
I mean, and it was cool because I'm not touching that.
Yeah.
(25:15):
And she's, and she's told me about, you know, things that she's enjoyed too.
The back and forth is just great.
So being free from shame is just amazing in general.
I mean, this year I went to pride, letting everybody know, putting those photos up everywhere.
Um, just being, being the me that I want to be is been great and freeing.
(25:36):
So that right there, I feel like has turned into a belief for me that there's no real
reason.
There's never a reason to broadcast it everywhere I go, but there's no reason to hide when people
like, when it's, it's time to like have that conversation with somebody or find comfortable
with somebody, you know?
And if they don't like it, well, you know, they can just, uh,
(25:56):
we won't invite them to the dinner party.
Okay.
We're going to have a big dinner party.
We're going to have all the rich folks there and we're going to have everybody that ever
podcasted with us and things and we're going to have bisexual coffee and we won't invite
them.
No, you just leave them out.
They won't be with us and they won't have fun.
I bet you anything that all those rich people have like some of the kinkiest kinks out there
(26:17):
too, man.
They, they need something to feel alive, you know?
I want to ask Marcus.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, tell me, tell us, Marcus.
You ever had a finger up your butt?
Yeah.
It feels so good.
Go ahead, open with that.
See where the conversation goes from there.
Marcus, serious?
I will.
I'll give him shit.
And so, and then, so I answered a few of those right there just to kind of see where
(26:42):
I was and kind of, it's kind of the conversation that we're having right now, uh, or at least
the story that I'm telling you right now about how I'm feeling, the fact that I don't fully
believe that my gender is 100% male, that's something that I believe, and I believe that
a lot of people have more fluidity in them than they're willing to admit because it makes
(27:04):
them feel either ostracized by their own instilled beliefs or if it makes them feel uncomfortable
in whatever position they believe that they're in.
But then again, there can be, I mean, as much as I'm saying that, I'm sure there are people
out there who are just strictly cis, the way they came out 100% straight, they're never
going to see anything and they don't have any thoughts.
(27:26):
I'm blown away by those people.
I'm serious because I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it.
And I was getting pissed off more and more every single day, just angrier and angrier,
like, okay, why aren't people accepting me?
Why aren't people accepting this version of me?
(27:48):
That was the belief.
Holding yourself to their own perceptions and wondering why you don't fit, I guess.
Exactly.
I mean, that goes into the shame thing, right?
And it sounds like we both tend to do a good job on letting go of that.
Oh, yeah.
(28:08):
Yeah, because it doesn't exist.
It's not real.
The belief was that my ex-husband didn't love me.
Well, I think what they're all picking up on was I wasn't being me.
Sure.
I wasn't being myself.
Yeah, being genuinely genuine is people can pick up on that.
(28:30):
But I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I didn't know I should be this, you know, because of the Baptist cult and things.
My dad was like, praise the Lord.
Praise Jesus.
We love him.
Past the tray or past the bowl or whatever the hell you put the money in.
Pass it.
I want to put all my money in there.
Is Donald Trump here today?
(28:51):
I'm putting money in there for him too.
Oh, goodness.
Jewish Baptist people.
It's a very strange element.
That is.
So you were raised in the Baptist, Baptist cult that you're feeling, right?
Very cultish.
I was raised in the Baptist faith, but it wasn't the cultish kind of me.
(29:17):
My parents, they practiced religion in a way where they knew it was a part of their past.
So they really felt like they should hang on to it a little bit.
And so we went to church a couple of times, like one time for a whole like two years.
But it wasn't anything that was like.
That's stuck.
Yeah.
(29:37):
That's how you usually say that.
It didn't stick.
Mom came back to the religion that she perceived, you know, the religion that made her peace
was basically just like a oneness with God.
It wasn't really necessarily denominational.
And I don't know what dad believed.
(29:58):
He was kind of all over the board.
He was raised a pastor son.
He thought he was going to be a pastor when he grew up.
But I mean, he became the hippie that he was, which isn't it isn't it isn't a bad
thing being being a hippie.
There's no real bad problem with that.
It's some of his other qualities that made it kind of hard to get along with them.
But overall, they did the best for me and I'm glad for that.
(30:21):
But after I got out of there, I was still holding on to Christian beliefs, heaven, hell,
God, Jesus, all the stories that, you know, that make it such a wonderful tale.
A tale that so many people can relate to.
And when I was in the military, I got to the point where I was feeling a lot of anxiety
(30:45):
and we're going into a war zone.
I mean, we were there for the anti terrorist war, whichever one that was called fight terrorism,
go go away terrorism now, whatever it was called.
We were out there.
We were trying to find Saddam.
We don't wind up finding we wind up finding him.
But still we're in a war zone, like going to Bahrain and seeing how those buildings were
(31:08):
just destroyed when we got there on the shore.
Constant reminder.
And so I started thinking, what happens if I die out here?
What happened?
They might have, I've been good enough.
Have I done all the right things?
And it started giving me anxiety attacks.
So I told myself, I was like, should my religion be doing this?
Should my religion be making me feel fear constantly because I don't know if I'm doing
(31:34):
good enough?
Is there another way?
And so I started digging into other religions, found Buddhism.
Yeah, found Buddhism, right?
Got comfortable with the idea of Buddhism, especially how the golden rule and karma seemed
so very much the same.
It's just one's more spiritual driven and the other one is just like common decent driven
(31:57):
that turns into mysticism by the end a little bit because reincarnation itself is very spiritual,
but still in a way it's its own form of mysticism for me, which is still hard for me to kind
of grab onto, but I'm working on it.
But I called myself a Christian Buddhist for the longest time because I'm like, I know
that there are people out here who do both.
(32:17):
And then eventually they just drop it.
Yeah, there are.
And that's why I found a whole like three or four books in the Chaplains Library about
this and I went through them over about a year and a half while I was out on the ship.
Before I got out, I had made the decision of like, I'm just Buddhist.
Like there's a there, I don't know which one.
There are a few different.
(32:39):
It's not the nominations.
I can't remember the name of it right now.
That's how good of a Buddhist I am.
But there are different types that I don't know.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
Well, there's here's the thing too that I've taken away from Buddhism with my addiction.
Eliminate desire.
(33:00):
Yeah.
Drop and hit.
Well, I threw that.
I threw that coaster right on the ground.
It's great.
Eliminate desire and you eliminate suffering.
Yes.
And that's what I've been working on.
I'd say it's cost me a pretty penny too.
I won't, I won't tell you how much, but it's cost me quite a bit to get rid of the being
(33:24):
addicted to guilt and shame.
Yeah.
I mean, they start, look, they start on us when we're little too.
So even if you don't go to church, you are watching the boob tube.
Yeah.
And the boob tube is, hey, you're not enough.
You need this hair color.
Hey, you're not enough.
You need this doctor.
You need, you need this car.
(33:46):
You need to go here and there's this concert and that concert.
And then of course there's social media and the Kardashians.
Especially now, yeah.
They kept building themselves.
Yeah.
And, and it's really like, I don't even really watch TV anymore.
I mean, we really have to work to, I mean, we've got so much shit we're doing.
(34:10):
We have to really sit down and really watch a movie and like, and we don't have time.
So it may be like once or twice a month.
The recording stopped for me for just a second.
Hold on.
Oh, it's fine.
Let it go.
Okay.
It said, it's still recording on my end.
Oh, okay.
(34:30):
So I just also want to clarify for anybody who's younger on here, maybe under the age
of like 30 or something like that.
If you're listening to this, the boob tube is not what you think it is.
That sounds like you're watching a porn hub.
No, that is just what we used to call television.
And it was a giant glass, hulking ball and encased in metal and wood.
(34:54):
And it probably gave us like radiation damage, but it feeds a lot into the stereotypes that
I was reading before.
If it wasn't joking about sexuality, it was people looking at people who were openly either
having sex or living a different life other than, you know, cis-het and going, you know,
(35:15):
shame, shame on them.
Look how bad, look how different they're doing.
They should come to Jesus at some point or whatever, or whatever salvation they believed
in pushed at the time.
Autonomy is your salvation.
Yeah.
The autonomy is complete salvation.
I like that.
I like that.
That should be, you should sell something with that on there.
(35:37):
I, you know, I've got so many things I want to do, like t-shirts and, you know, the pot.
It's just the whole, you know, we're still dealing with, you know, my loving father.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, it's not the time.
It's not the time, but maybe one day.
Yeah.
Yes.
So that's the thing about not being addicted anymore is that, and, and like the Buddhists,
(36:03):
okay, they get this.
It's like when you're not addicted anymore, you're not addicted to an outcome.
You're not attaching your meaning to someone else's reality anymore.
It's not exhausting.
It's no longer, I'm not sitting over here making excuses for who I am.
I am living my life.
Yeah.
And I'm being the best partner I possibly can to someone I love very much and I'm here
(36:28):
and I'm present.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I'm loving and kind to whoever I'm intimate with or, you know, there's none of that where
I'm going to shame someone for my shenanigans.
You're sounding very leaf on the wind right now.
And I can kind of respect that.
(36:52):
I'm just tired.
I've been, I've been kind of a people pleaser since way back and I get a lot of that from
like watching my parents and making sure the things that I was doing like wasn't really,
especially my mom upsetting my mom because she was pretty volatile back in my early teens
and that kind of stuck with me.
And I've been unpacking all that, but there is, there is a freedom in being interested
(37:22):
and being kind of playful with knowing what these events that I'm going to do in my creative
life and my love life and the conversations that I have with people, what outcome is that
going to be?
And of course I'm not going for negative outcomes, but they do happen.
(37:43):
And the one thing that I've got to do is when they do happen, don't hold on to the memory
of that and wonder what was going to change it because that'll cause that suffering.
And again, it all does come back to the elimination of suffering.
No matter exactly what type of Buddhism that you subscribe to.
Well I looked up some things actually, some, some different views from different parts
(38:06):
of Buddhism.
And it broke down into four points for me.
And then it also talked about areas such as Japan, Sri Lanka and Western Buddhism.
Theravada Buddhism focuses on ethics and they're the most probably conservative.
They discourage same sex relationships and marriage.
(38:28):
But the emphasis is more about just avoiding sexual misconduct, which for them is anything
other than vaginal sex.
So explain that again.
They do discourage same sex relationships, but more the biggest emphasis is on making
sure you avoid sexual misconduct, which is anything other than penis and vaginal sex.
(38:54):
Yes.
Anything.
Anything.
That would be me.
Yeah.
I'm already out of that.
Mahayana Buddhism, more diverse, some schools are very accepting of the LGBTQ plus.
The most thing that they want to do is no matter what you're doing is that you're being
compassionate to yourself as well to everybody around you and that there's no self harm or
(39:18):
harm on others, no matter what acts that you're actually doing.
It's all love brother.
I think this is pronounced Vajrayana Buddhism.
Again, I might butcher some of these.
I haven't said that yet.
I meant to say that.
I'm probably going to butcher some of these.
Yeah, Vajrayana.
(39:39):
So it might be Vajrayana.
It might be.
The A and the J might make that E sound.
They're very complex.
They're more complex, but it's mostly because sex isn't necessarily a physical thing as
much as it is in twining sexual energy between people.
So that's me right there.
(39:59):
And then the more modern you get, the more they're more accepting of LGBTQI plus, including
having marriages in their temples.
But even the Dalai Lama says, love who you love.
Be true to yourself because if you're anything else other than yourself, you are causing
yourself suffering.
(40:21):
But we as Buddhists don't really condone anything other than standard vaginal sex.
Anything else is a misconduct.
So they're still holding on to that idea, which leads you into being back in the fourth
and fifth centuries.
There was two different terms.
(40:42):
One had a really long name and I couldn't pronounce it no matter how much it tried,
so I wasn't going to do it on camera.
And that one seemed to describe people who were intersex of some sort.
But either one of them said that they had the body of one sex, but the soul of another.
(41:02):
And those weren't as ostracized as this one, which is called the Pandaka.
So Pandakas are anything that's not seen as like normal humans.
So people with dwarfism, people who may dabble in homosexuality, people who are talking lesbians,
(41:26):
intersex, like I said, I did say dwarfism, right?
Yeah, because that one was like, wow, not even that one.
People who, even hermits at the time, were all kind of just lumped under this one thing.
So if you weren't a normal human being contributing and doing things normal as far as society
(41:47):
saw you were a Pandaka, as far as I can tell.
I'm a Pandaka.
Yeah, I may be butchering this, but I had to read this article like four or five times
to even get understanding, because technical articles kind of confused me sometimes.
I had to keep reading them.
But the idea is what they couldn't achieve enlightenment during their life.
(42:09):
So if you were a Pandaka, the thing was is that you weren't, you couldn't understand
karma, even if it was presented to you, your brain just can't understand it.
I couldn't, you and I, we couldn't make donations to begging monks, because that's giving out
positive karma.
There's no way that we can do that.
(42:30):
That's not our thing.
We should be able to do that.
We can't even meditate.
Oh, well, that's not me.
You know, even if it's like, I don't know if it's, even if it's by yourself, but like
as a group, like you couldn't be, you're not with the rest of the monks.
You're not hanging with the rest of the crew.
But other people thought, and this is kind of a little romantic in a way, is that the
(42:54):
reason that we are the way that we are is because, and why we can't achieve enlightenment
right now is because we're stuck in a past life's karma and inflection.
So we're channeling someone else who was before us and we couldn't let go either due
to bad karma or just a, I guess a hiccup in the system, so to speak.
(43:15):
So I got to elaborate on all that business.
Yeah, do it.
You just gave us.
So I was talking to my friend and she told me, I've been asleep.
I'm like, what do you mean I've been asleep?
She goes, you've been asleep for 50 years, baby.
(43:36):
And you've been trying to wake up from this deep sleep for a very long time and you couldn't
wake up because you weren't born to the correct parents.
What ended up happening is your inner goddess had to take over and start shaping you into
(44:00):
the person that she believed that you are.
And my inner goddess is my little girl.
And I'm being a parent for her that I wasn't afforded to.
My parents weren't that to me because their parents weren't that to them.
(44:21):
I got you.
I fuck with that so hard.
Yeah.
Like that's a lot.
That is.
I mean, I feel like at one point though, you are about to wake up in a like a bubble of
goo that's charging up a massive like battery for the machines, you know, maybe we're all
just in the matrix.
But in a spiritual view, like not being glib.
(44:44):
No, I, I, I'm, yeah, I mean that I fuck with that really hard.
Like, I, I have such a want that I've found out of wanting to connect with my inner child
and give him the things that I feel like would have made my life easier.
(45:05):
But also in the way that I know that I can't do that.
The only thing I can do is, is like heal the child that's there.
Like I can't change the outcome.
If I did, I'd change the reason that I'd want to be there in the first place.
But just to, just to, just to heal the inner child is totally worth it.
Is a goal.
(45:26):
And here, here's how you do it.
Here's how you do it.
Okay.
Everything you're afraid of, you write it down on a sheet of paper.
Everything.
Okay.
Every single thing, whether it's bridges or, you know, it might be blonde women.
Just kidding.
(45:46):
I'm just kidding.
But you know what I'm saying?
It's like you, you write all these things down and then you start addressing it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Addressing whatever it is.
One of my fears was no one likes me.
No one likes me.
No one likes Edith.
I'm always alone.
(46:07):
I'm this, I'm that.
I had this meaning that I was attached to, right?
Right.
So in order to start this podcast and when I talked to Kevin Smith, he's like, you can't
tell yourself that.
He's like, don't tell yourself that because you'll have like one person listening to you.
Yeah.
I can't say things like that.
(46:28):
Because you're going to project that shit, right?
He likes me.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
And so what I do is, is I'm like, Edith's a badass man.
Edith is cool as hell.
Even though the name, I mean the name in and of itself, I should be around 206 with some
(46:51):
muddy brown hair, no makeup and certainly not on this podcast.
You get to tell everybody what Edith means.
You don't have to, you don't have to.
I'm teasing.
Yeah.
This is a joke.
It's how I used to see it.
Now I see Edith and I'm like, man, look at my, my crazy voodoo doll over here.
(47:13):
Look at her.
Look at her.
She's got a string attached to her.
Man, she is a raggedy.
I see that.
And then self love over here.
Like I told you, I'm working on the studio.
I already got the handyman lined up ready to go to make the room soundproof.
It's going to get painted new, new like molding and shit.
(47:37):
It's going to be, yeah.
And then the lighting and I have, one of the things I want to buy is like one of those
really big iPads.
So we can have, I was going to get us like a neon light, but I don't want to order that
shit off Amazon.
Cause who knows if that'll fit.
(47:59):
You know, I figure if I put the big iPad behind me, then we can see our logo.
Yeah.
You know, yeah.
Eventually get you one too.
I need to get my own studio space in general.
Somebody who has been seeing behind the scenes whenever I make anything, they know this is
(48:20):
just a corner of my living room where all of my cool, colorful stuff goes.
And we do have an extra room, but that is where the litter boxes is for the cats, you
know, hang out and whatnot.
So are the cats now?
And I don't want to have my studio hanging out with litter boxes.
I got, no, I've got, I've got a little too much pride in myself for that.
(48:41):
Um, well, and you want it and like, this is the goal.
This is, this is what we're doing.
And this is what we're telling everybody.
If you believe it, it'll happen.
I mean, of course you want it all to be good.
You don't want to sit there and think about bad shit.
Cause that'll happen.
(49:02):
Yeah.
But if you think like I used to not compliment myself and be very nice to myself.
And now I'm like, bitch, you are hot.
I tell myself that.
Oh yeah.
I'm like, even when I don't feel it, you know, I've just, I've changed my verbiage and
(49:23):
my beliefs, mainly my beliefs.
On a scale of a one to 10, one being the easiest thing you've ever done and 10 being,
you know, the, the hardest things you've never done yet.
How easy do you feel it was once you started thinking about who you actually are to finally
(49:46):
get to that point to tell yourself that I am, you know, I am the sexy bitch.
When I got out of my own way, I got out of my own way.
I had to eliminate all my lovers.
I had to eliminate my boyfriend.
I had to eliminate my husband.
I just want to clarify these people are all still alive.
Um, yes.
I just, I just kind of, well, I had to have like break, not break up, but take time out
(50:15):
and be alone and figure this out.
And like, why am I attracting just such horrible mean people?
Cause I was being horribly mean, horribly mean to myself.
The things I would say to myself.
I'm like, and it's taken me this long because, because of the Baptist cult situation.
(50:38):
Sure.
It's reprogramming, right?
Yeah.
My dad wasn't that bad.
He was just my dad.
Yeah.
Just didn't know.
He was trying.
He was doing the best with what he knew.
He was born in 1943.
Imagine what was going on then.
I mean, I heard of the depression 20 years after, no, 10, 15 years.
(51:02):
After World War two.
No, that's one year.
That's after World War one because the 40s was World War two.
So 42.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
There's a lot going on, obviously.
Uh, and I, I think I found out the same thing about my parents too.
You know, just really thinking about on it and thinking, you know, there's some things
(51:23):
they did out of spite and anger, but that's just because they're human like everybody
else, but it wasn't a continuous barrage of that.
And they were exactly doing the best with the cards that they were dealt, even though
they were trying to play poker with a pack of go fish cards.
It was, it was, they were still, you know, still sitting down to play the game for the
most part.
(51:45):
But it doesn't answer my question on a scale of one to 10, how hard was it?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, a 10.
It was 10 and 40,000.
It was, I'll tell you how much it was.
It was 40,000 for me to travel and do all the things that I did and get the people that
were on the podcast and, and I paid to lives and, uh, just all kinds of hotel room.
(52:12):
You just name it.
And all of that got me right here.
But you did it.
And I'm okay.
Yeah.
And I'm looking for more money because we're taking this.
This is going to be, this is for real.
10,000 while we step in on business.
It all came back around.
That's what I'm talking about.
(52:32):
If I could play that song legally at the end of the song, that would be the moment.
Uh, stupid, lysing, seeing and not being able to play the songs that I want.
Even if we played it now, let me see.
No, don't do it.
Don't do it.
If you ever want to get this thing on YouTube or anything like that, we got to be, we got
(52:53):
to be prudent.
We got to be on the up and up.
We do.
We do this the right way.
Um,
I know we really do.
But uh, all right.
Well, there is so much more that I would love to talk about.
I really would love to dig into, uh, if you're willing, some of the stories that you might
have pertaining to your sexual addiction, because I guarantee you as much as we want
(53:15):
to talk about, you know, being queer and everything unrelated to people, that's going
to relate to some people too, who are living in some serious shame right now.
Who may want to hear that.
Do we have time?
Do you have time to stop this episode and then start another one?
Not tonight.
It's about to be a movie night with my loved one and what she calls hobo, hobo packs filled
(53:36):
full of vegetables and chicken that have been roasting in the oven and boiled this entire
time.
Oh my God.
I want the recipe.
Tell her I want the recipe.
I want to do it.
It's so easy.
It's so easy.
Olive oil, salt, pepper, any kind of, uh, hot spice that you want because you want a
good, you know, good warm flavor in there, chop up potatoes, onions, chop up a raw chicken,
(53:58):
fold it up into a nice folded foil pack, put your oven on 375, cook it for an hour and
a half, then like just check the, check your temperature of your chicken for you to eat
it.
It's so simple.
It sounds amazing.
It's so simple.
And this is something that's in her head.
Like she's known this for ever since she was a little girl because of the camping that
they used to do.
And so I love it.
(54:19):
Yeah.
Oh, I love it.
She is full of so many cool things.
However, all of all the cool things that she knows, and I feel like this is a good cap
for the episode right now out of all the cool things that she knows, you know what she doesn't
know?
What?
And this is a testament to just how, what she doesn't want to pay attention.
Yes.
(54:40):
I don't, she probably would go, I'm not pure.
I'm like in the eyes of some people you are, you don't even know what only fans is because
I love her.
I told her that.
And she's like, oh, cool.
What's only fans?
And I'm like, you are a pure, gentle soul in this world and you don't need to know everything.
That is great.
But that's older.
But then again, I also told her that, and some people may not know this, but only fans
(55:07):
was not necessarily made for the intention that it's mostly being used right now.
But when people found out that you could put videos behind a paywall and escape any kind
of like getting canceled because of that, like people are paying to see it.
So it started being heavily used for that.
I, I direct tweeted them one time.
(55:28):
I was like, Hey, thinking about doing an only fans or people come to me for just whatever
life advice that they have, and we'll sit there and just like talk about it one on one.
And they're like, Oh, that's a great idea.
That's the kind of ideas that only fans was made for.
Yeah, I kind of laughed.
I didn't respond to them.
I'm like, well, I'm excited.
(55:51):
Yeah, I'm excited for you.
Thank you.
I appreciate your kindness, Michael.
Long indeed.
Peace out and word to your mother.
Indeed.
Bye.
Peace.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye.
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