Fireside Chat w/ Mrs Rochelle Tucker

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The most surprising part isn’t the pain—it’s the moment the craving disappeared. Rochelle sits with us and tells a story many hide: childhood molestation, a decades-long addiction that felt like relief until it wasn’t, and the day she chose a police car over another hit. What follows is not a miracle montage but a set of small, relentless choices—thirty days of prayer in county, six months of structure, and a first year built around meetings, mentors, and learning to trust quiet again.

We trace the ripple effects of early harm into adult life: hypervigilance with kids, guilt over sending her children to safer homes, and the complicated love that still shows up for family who couldn’t show up for her. Rochelle is candid about triggers, boundaries, and the humility of “one day at a time.” She talks about getting baptized high and still being met by grace, about discovering she was emotionally stuck at twelve and deciding to bring that younger girl forward instead of leaving her behind. There’s laughter here too—a frank honesty about dentures, math classes that won’t quit, and the way a partner’s steady love can rewrite the meaning of touch.

We move from survival to service. Rochelle returns to school for human services, earns a substance abuse certificate, and lays out plans for a recovery home focused on people leaving prison—IDs, stability, dignity, and a path back to community. We talk about protecting children, refusing to be bystanders, and practicing the B3U ethos: burn the lies, break the cycles, become unstoppable. If you’ve ever felt numb just to make it through, this conversation offers a map back to yourself—realistic, faith-filled, and fiercely hopeful.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_06 (00:10):
Hey everybody, what's up?
Welcome to B3U.
Look, this is the month ofOctober, my favorite month.
My favorite month.
And for me, October meanstransformation.
Transformation.
So it's transformation time.
Okay.
And today I have with me mybeautiful, wonderful, and

(00:31):
amazing sister, Miss RochelleTucker.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming on B3U.
It's our season, girl.
Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_04 (00:40):
Thank you for the invite, my sister.

SPEAKER_06 (00:42):
Yes.
Scorpio say what?
Yes.
Scorpio.
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (00:48):
Truth to the bone.

SPEAKER_06 (00:49):
True to the bone.
Okay.
We're just going to be ourauthentic selves here.
Let's do it.
And let's start it off withsaying, uh, you know, you're
coming, take us back.
Because we just talked about howOctober is transformation month,
and I can't wait for my viewersand my listeners to see and hear
the transformation.

(01:09):
So uh take us back to yourchildhood.
What was life like growing up toyou?

SPEAKER_04 (01:14):
Well, my childhood, I had a good childhood.
Um I'm the first grandchild outof 50-some kids.
Um, the oldest out of me and mybrother sibling.
Spoiled.
Um, my just say that I didn'twant for nothing.

(01:39):
I didn't want for nothing.
I had birthdays when it waswasn't my birthday.
I did everything.
Um, my mom and my father gottogether.
My mom was 18 when she had me.

SPEAKER_00 (01:52):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (01:52):
So she dropped out of high school because she was
pregnant with me.
And um when she had me, sheturned around.
She had she said her tubes wastight, but she turned around and
had another baby.
She had my brother.
So me and my brother was theoldest of 50-something
grandkids.
So we was, we had a village.

(02:14):
My mother and my father, myfather, mother, and my
mother-mother, so we had a wholevillage that raised us.
Um my father was abusivementally, physically to my
mother and I and my and us, hewas, but I was a daddy's girl.

(02:34):
Regardless of what happened, Iwas still a daddy girl.
I'm a granddaddy girl, I am thegirl, you know.
So um I never used that againsthim and didn't realize how much
it damaged me by holding it in.
Um, but it is what it is.

(02:55):
My father, he was on differenttypes of mushrooms and stuff
like that.
But okay, what year are wetalking about?
This was uh I was born in '66.
Okay.
So it was like close in the 70s.

(03:16):
70s, okay.
As I was growing up.
When I was like 12 years old, Ican see my we stayed in Harvey.
And me and my brother shared abedroom.
We had bunk beds, so you have tobe able to side man.
I can see my father, just likeI'm looking at you, come in my
room, come in our room and putchocolate on my breast and eat

(03:42):
it off for me.

SPEAKER_05 (03:43):
Oh wow.

SPEAKER_04 (03:44):
And my brother was right there.
My mother called him a couple oftimes.
She stopped him.
But I think at that point thatmade a big connection with me
and my mom.
Because as the older I got, themore I thought about it, it's
like you go to our daughter, andI'm right here.

(04:08):
You know, so to me, I felt thatmy father went through some type
of trauma at his young age.

SPEAKER_05 (04:16):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (04:17):
And it just carried on.

unknown (04:19):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (04:20):
Um, my brother, he used to abuse my brother,
homework time, he used to stickpins, pencils in my brother's
hand, and all that, you know.
And right today, may he rest inpeace.
My brother don't care for me.
And all, but that's anotherstory.
Okay.
Um what was going through youryour mind?

(04:42):
How old were you about thistime?
When he was molesting me, um,between 10 and 12.
10 and 12.

SPEAKER_06 (04:51):
What in the world was a uh a 10, 12-year-old, what
was going through your mind atthat time?

SPEAKER_04 (04:57):
I don't know, because I blocked it out.
I blocked it out.
And I blocked it out to thepoint too, so well that I didn't
really, it didn't resurfaceuntil Oprah Oak Rimphy came out
and she started talking aboutmolestation.
And that at that time, I waslike in my late 20s, early 30s.

(05:18):
That's when it resurfaced backinto my life.

SPEAKER_06 (05:21):
Okay.
How did that that trauma shapeyour your life, shape your story
from being a 10 to 12 year oldyoung woman, young girl, and
then you said it carried on.
So how did it that shape you?
It shaped me to a addict.

SPEAKER_04 (05:41):
Okay.
It took me straight to anaddiction.
Because at that point I wasselling drugs, and then I
started using drugs.
Getting raided, going to jail,and it just carried on.

(06:01):
I was a mother of three.
I had two of my own, and then Ihad um adopted a baby at two
weeks old.

SPEAKER_00 (06:14):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (06:14):
He was on a heart machine.
And I had him right now today,he's 30-something years old.

SPEAKER_00 (06:20):
All right.

SPEAKER_04 (06:20):
Doing well.
Yeah.
So far that I know of.

SPEAKER_00 (06:24):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (06:25):
Um at the end of the day, once my addiction
progressed, I sent my kids awayso they wouldn't go down with
me.
Their life would be better.
My oldest son, I sent him beforemy addiction got real bad.
I sent him to Green Bay to livewith his father because I was

(06:47):
watching the boys in the hood.
And I felt that you need to bewith your dad.
But I was not ready to go there.
Because I still had my daughter.
Then I was dealing with herfather, the man that I said was
her father, but isn't herfather.
But he was her father as long asI was carrying him, I was

(07:08):
together with him in his mind,in mind too.
I knew her real father was, butat the end of the day, no, I'm
with you, so that's who herfather is going to be.

SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (07:19):
You know, and um that kind of traumatized my
daughter a little bit.
But I did with all I knew whatwas best for me and my kids.

SPEAKER_06 (07:30):
Well, you know, I we we share the same story.
And it, you know, um, for me,uh, at this time, I um again
been through molestation from afamily member.
Um, it was my cousin.
And uh just growing up, I thinkwhat we both share in a sense is

(07:51):
when you're when you're thatyoung, you you you grow up, and
because I was sexually abused somany times, it's it just became
like I just I know for me, uhit's okay.

SPEAKER_04 (08:04):
It's okay, you know, you know, because it's a family
member, and then this is myfather.
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
This is the man that created me,that had part in creating me
because God created me, but thisis the man that had part in
creating me with my mother, andthis is what you do.

SPEAKER_06 (08:22):
And for see, and you you were a daddy's girl.
You loved him.

SPEAKER_03 (08:26):
And I loved him, and even though he was doing this to
me, I allowed it.

SPEAKER_06 (08:32):
For me, I was I was more scared, you know, because
of my.
No, I wasn't scared.

SPEAKER_03 (08:37):
I allowed it because I felt that he's my daddy.

SPEAKER_04 (08:41):
He knows what he's doing.

SPEAKER_05 (08:42):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (08:42):
But at the end of the day, he was damaging me.
I don't know if he um penetratedwith me or not.
I don't know.
You don't remember because Idon't I don't want to remember.
You know, okay.
I don't want to remember.
I hate that I remember himeating chocolate off me.
I hate that.
I remember that.
So now it's a trauma for me.

(09:03):
Right now, today.

SPEAKER_00 (09:05):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (09:05):
And um, I'll be 59 in November, it's still a
trauma.
I can't stand for no kids to siton nobody's lap.
Oh, yes.
I can't stand for a man tochange no baby's pampers.
If the baby is crawling on youand jumping on you, stop them.
I can't stand for a baby to sitin between a man's leg, even my

(09:26):
legs.
I don't want you, no, we're notdoing that.

SPEAKER_00 (09:29):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (09:29):
Even though they don't understand why, but that's
my trauma.
And it's bad.
I I had I I'm so traumatizedwith this that my oldest
granddaughter, I asked her, I Idamn near beat it out of her
with words, have anybody evertouched you or molested you or

(09:50):
made you feel uncomfortable?
She I I beat it in her so badthat she said, Grandmama, no.
And I'm gonna tell you if theydo.
She cried.
I don't ask her no more.

SPEAKER_01 (10:04):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (10:05):
And she would just say, Grandma, ain't nobody did
nothing to me.
If she sees me, ain't nobody didnothing to me.
Right.
I traumatized her.
And I damaged.
I mean, but we got a goodrelationship.
We good, but she know I'm notfinna play.
Yeah.
She knows I'm not finna play.
She knows I'm gonna beat it out.
Um I'm not and beat it.
When I say beat it, I don't meanphysically, I mean words-wise.

(10:27):
I'm gonna get it out you.

SPEAKER_00 (10:28):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (10:29):
Whether you want to or not, I'm gonna get it out
you.
So it's just, and I still carrythat trauma.

SPEAKER_06 (10:34):
Yeah.
And so you carried it into youradulthood.
Yes.
And um, which that kind ofshaking you, you become numb, is
what I was saying.
You become so used to it.
It's like, uh, so I had a sonfrom an unwanted sexual
encounter.
And it was just like, uh, I'mgonna just just hide it and just

(10:57):
whatever.
And then I met my ex-husband whowas abusive, and he said that he
was gonna take care of it.
So I I too let my son for yearsuh believe that that was his
father, and he didn't find outthat his father wasn't his
father until he threw himthrough a glass table and said,
That's why you ain't my my sonanyway.

(11:18):
And I was like, God dang.
So I I I I can I can relate toyou in that story.
Um, it did cause some traumawith my my son.
How did your daughter?
Um it's it's damaging her rightnow, says to speak.

SPEAKER_04 (11:32):
Because the man that I said and told that was her
father, which she was, I waswith him from the time I
conceived her until the time Ihad her, until the time he went
to the penitentiary.
That's all he knew that was hisdaughter.

unknown (11:48):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (11:48):
I didn't tell him that that wasn't his daughter
until I decided to get marriedthe first time.
That's when I told him, becauseat that time I was in recovery.
So I'm making a clean slate witheverybody.
So that's when I told him.
And when I told him, he waslike, it doesn't matter.
I'ma still raise her, I'ma stilllove her, she's still my

(12:10):
daughter.
But the story flips.
So now it's like she's trying towin his love, which he says he
loves her, but his actionsspeaks way louder than his
words.
Yes, yes, and I tell mydaughter, leave it alone.
It ain't worse thing.

(12:30):
Because if he felt from what hewas saying, if that's what was
true, you wouldn't have to gothrough what you wanted.
Right.
So you leave it alone.
Because at the end of the day,it's all about you no matter
what.
And I'm here.
That's right.

SPEAKER_06 (12:45):
That's right.
I let my son know that.
You know, um, I after I um Icame into realization, you know,
for years uh after I went to uhmy PTSD therapy, I tried to
write everything that I didwrong.
And I went to try to find myson's father and to make it

(13:07):
right.
So I want you to know who thisman is, and you know, and and
clear this this the slate so myson could have some peace and
say you know to know who he was,and unfortunately uh he is
deceased, uh died from COVID.
So that is what it is.
But let me ask um, what role didthe drugs play and how you coped

(13:30):
with your pain?

SPEAKER_04 (13:32):
It was I was self-medicating myself.
The drugs kept me numb.
The drugs kept me to the pointto where I didn't give a care
about myself, anybody.
All I wanted to know that Iwasn't gonna take my kids down
with me.

(13:53):
And I was in an addiction foralmost close to 30 years.

SPEAKER_06 (13:57):
30 years.
Yeah.
30 years of drug addiction.
Close to 30 years.
Wow.

SPEAKER_04 (14:06):
What kind of drugs, may I ask?
I used um, I started off with uhmarijuana, then I started off
lacing marijuana with rawcocaine, then I started off,
then I went from that to lacingmarijuana with cooked cocaine.
And I went from inhaling,getting shotguns from people

(14:28):
that smoke cocaine, gettingshotguns, and I got tired of
that because I liked thatcessation, that feeling had made
me feel.
It made me more number, so Iliked that, so I started smoking
cocaine.
And only smoked in glass.
Okay.
So when I got to smoking inglass, that's when everything,
the whole road was dark.

(14:51):
Everything went dark.
I didn't care about nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing atall.
I was chasing that first highthat I ever got, and you never
get that high again.
You just get addicted, and backthen it was good cocaine.
Wow.
This stuff here, I don't knowwhat it is.
I don't know why people keeprelapsing, but at the end of the
day, if you're not ready tostop, you're not gonna stop.

SPEAKER_05 (15:13):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (15:13):
And if you're not specific of what you want,
you're not gonna get it.

SPEAKER_06 (15:19):
So let me was there a moment, a moment when you
realized you were masking withdeeper wounds, with with the the
drugs?
Did you said it got dark?

SPEAKER_04 (15:30):
I realized that within the my addiction, about
20 years.
Other than that, I was havingfun.

SPEAKER_01 (15:39):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (15:39):
That was during me.
During you not a care in theworld.
I didn't have no kids, I hadnothing.
Where were your children?
My children, my my son was inGreen Bay, like I stated.
Um, my daughter was staying withmy grandmother there.
But then sooner or later I endedup sending her to Green Bay with
my mom, which wasn't a betterplace.
It was a better place because mymom was still still, she was

(16:02):
more stable than I were, but shewas doing the same thing.
But my kids, I felt that, excuseme, I didn't want to take them
down with me.
I did enough damage by nottaking care of myself.
So I'm not gonna, I want betterfor them.
So they I felt that being downthere was better.
And Green Bay was good for themat this at the same time, I

(16:28):
wasn't there.
So I missed a lot in my kids'life.

SPEAKER_00 (16:32):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (16:32):
But I was in and out of their life, but I missed a
lot because the mother wasn'tthere.

SPEAKER_06 (16:38):
So, like your self-worth, your your uh the
molestation, the childhoodtrauma, uh, and you feel like
that impacted your self-worthjust like I had a lot to do with
it.

SPEAKER_04 (16:50):
Yeah.
Because I felt dirty.
I felt dirty.
I felt that the relationshipbetween me and my mom was
damaged.
I tried to heal it, but itwasn't there.
You can't forgive.
I forgave.
It was my mom that was holdingon to it.
Did she blame you in this sense?

(17:12):
I don't know.
And I asked her and she said, goask your daddy.
So I don't know what my mom soyou asked your mom.

SPEAKER_06 (17:18):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (17:18):
I asked her.

SPEAKER_06 (17:18):
Why did she allow that?

SPEAKER_04 (17:20):
Why did she allow that?
She told me go ask my daddy.
So I told her, if a man on thestreet raped me, I should say,
sir, why are you raping me?
So right then and that, thatjust spent me right into a
deeper darkness.
Because you the only person Ireally can talk to.
And you won't even talk to me.
So then I sat back, even in myaddiction, I sat back and I took

(17:41):
an inventory of my life and Ifigured I'd say something must
have happened to my mama towhere she can't talk to me.
Right.

SPEAKER_05 (17:48):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (17:49):
And I left it alone.
And I just kept being high.
And we tried, me and my aunties,and they tried and talked to my
mom, and they say, give her ahug.
My mama gave me a hug, it wascold as North Pole.
No love was felt there.
None.
I just started crying.
And I said, it's a done deal.

(18:13):
But at the end of the day, she'sstill my mom, and I still
respect her.
And I thank her for taking careof my kids.
And when her, when she neededme, I was there regardless of
what I felt for her or how shefelt for me.
And make she rest in peacetoday.

SPEAKER_06 (18:29):
Yes, yes, she is to see.
She passed away 2012.
2012.

SPEAKER_04 (18:34):
No, no, no.
My father passed away in 2012.
She passed away in 2022.

SPEAKER_05 (18:39):
2022.

SPEAKER_04 (18:40):
Just recently.
Yes.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 (18:42):
And you know what?
That's that's that is a hardthing right there.
When you are a child and youdon't understand something, and
you grow up and you you have somany questions, like, you know,
because you know, my mother too,I mean, me and my mother, we
started off with a greatrelationship.
You know, I was the only childup until nine years, and my
mother loved me.

(19:02):
And then I just couldn'tunderstand the whole chain.
But sometimes we don'tunderstand, and it was good what
you said that she probablypossibly went through some
things you don't know.
And that's the way that I triedto, you know, forgive my mom.
Like, I don't know what her lifewas like, why she did the things

(19:23):
she did.
But then when I got older and umshe remarried, well, she didn't
remarry, but she got with mystepfather that had like an
Islamic marriage, was you know,and I just we used to watch her
go through things, you know.
Well, it wasn't until I gotolder, like, darn, my mom was
being abused too.
How do how can she love if shewasn't being loved or know how

(19:46):
to love herself?
So that's a good, that's that'sgood right there.
That you know, sometimes youjust have to when you're when
you're in or you face some sortsof trauma from whether it be a
family or somebody else.
You have to think like what whatwhat made them go?

SPEAKER_04 (20:05):
How do they go that way?
And to me, it's like one thingis set in my heart that I would
never do that.
But sometimes I know molestationwould never happen with me
because I I don't care where youat, who you are, do not put your
hands on my child.

(20:27):
No, he cannot or she cannot sitin your lap.
Daddy, brother, uncle, I don'tcare.
That's right.
No.
Exactly.
That's how I it is what it is.
You know what I'm saying?
But at the end of the day, it'slike I I sometimes I like to
hold on to that because I feelsafe.

(20:48):
And I know they're safe.
So I watch everything when itcomes to a kid.
So I believe that's why I'm soin depth with children.

SPEAKER_02 (20:57):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (20:57):
You have a love for children?
I have a love for them, and Icollect them.
And I collect them, you know.
And that's part of because Imiss my children as they was
growing up.

SPEAKER_00 (21:10):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (21:11):
And see, God seen this in my heart, and he brought
some children in my heart, youknow, and um I thank God for
that.

SPEAKER_00 (21:23):
Yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (21:25):
I thank God for that.
Because the little baby I have,he has helped me grow.

SPEAKER_06 (21:32):
So before we get right into the baby, we're gonna
pause for a second and we'regonna be right back.
And we're back.
Okay, so we were getting into umNas.
Yes, your son.

SPEAKER_00 (21:47):
Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 (21:48):
So we're gonna get to him in a minute.
I want to know what was theturning point.
Uh, what was the breaking point?
The moment that you knew youneeded like Rochelle, uh, this
is enough.
Enough is enough.
What was your breaking point?

SPEAKER_04 (22:03):
Um, the breaking point is I I did things that I
said I wouldn't do, and Iachieved them, and it didn't
stop me.
My breaking point was I wastired of being tired.
And I met this young old lady,young old white lady that gave

(22:27):
me whatever I wanted when Iwanted it, and one day she told
me that she wasn't gonna give menothing, and I knew she had it,
and I tried to take it from her.
And at that time, I was 89pounds wet or dry.
Wow, and she was 89 pounds wetor dry, but she handled me, and

(22:55):
once I got away with it and wentand brought me some drugs and
was getting high, I didn't gethigh no more.
That broke me right there.
I was done because now I got anAPB out for me on my rest for
this white man.

SPEAKER_05 (23:12):
Wow, yes.

SPEAKER_06 (23:16):
So let me let me ask you this.
Knowing that you're a woman offaith, where was your faith in
all of this?

SPEAKER_04 (23:24):
I didn't have no faith in that.

SPEAKER_06 (23:25):
You ain't had no faith at that time.

SPEAKER_04 (23:27):
God left.
I left God, God didn't leave me.
Okay, I left him.
But at the end of the day, Iused to get high on a Sunday.
Well, I got high every day, butSundays I would get high, listen
to church music, and go tochurch.
Hi.
Hi.
I even got baptized high.

(23:49):
And then by the time for me toget in the water, my pipe fell
out of my pocket because I wastaking my pipe with me to the
water.
And it was a glass pipe and itbroke.
And all I told him is save thebrillo.
And I wanna get baptized.

SPEAKER_06 (24:05):
Were you looking for like saying God like jump in,
help me?
At that time, no.

SPEAKER_00 (24:11):
No.

SPEAKER_04 (24:11):
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready to stop beinghigh at that time.
I knew that he was there.
I knew he covered me because Itried to commit suicide.
I tried to step in front of 18with a truck and get hit, and I
could never make it in front ofthe truck.
The only thing saved me was thatwhite lady that he sent to me.

(24:35):
She saved me.
And when I went to jail, theyhit a warner for my rest, and I
kept trying to get high, and Ikept trying.
I came on.
At that time, I came on mymenstrual.
This day is the day that I wasdone.
I was done.
I had a lady in my life thatgave me whatever I wanted and
made sure that I was okay.
Even when I looked like a roughbum, she would take me to go get

(24:56):
my hair done and buy me clothes.
And she'd give me drugs just tomake sure I was okay.
I mean, she rest in peace.
Wow.
She's gone.
So she's gone too.
But she saw me when I got clean.
So um, I had took a shower.

(25:16):
It was cold that day.
I took a shower.
I went to Western.
That was where I stayed at.
That was my stopping grounds,Western.
From 111, maybe just say fromjust say Western, period.
I was on Western.
If you want to look for me andfind me, go to Western.
And it's to Chicago.
It's Chicago.
Okay, Chicago.

(25:36):
Go to Western.
Now my niece, if then nobodyfind me, she can find me.
She knew exactly where all shehad to do was find out red
lipstick.
She knew where her auntie wasat.
So I went on Western.
I went to Peppy's, got me twotacos.
I told them I was hungry.
They gave me two tacos, whichthey fed me all the time.

(25:57):
The people at the fire stationfed me all the time.
I didn't have no problem eatingnothing.
I just wanted to get highbecause I was hurting.

SPEAKER_06 (26:09):
And that was your way of coping.

SPEAKER_04 (26:13):
So I ate, and then I said, I know, I didn't, I just
couldn't call the police andsay, come and get me.
So I knew a house that wouldcall the police on me because
they did it before.
So I went to the house and Ijust run the bell and she cussed
me out.
I didn't say nothing bad too.

(26:33):
Because back in the day I wouldhave said something back to.
I didn't say nothing back toher.
She said, I'm gonna call thepolice.
I said, please do.
That's when I knew I was done.
And I stood right there.
It was um a hardware store atthe time.
On 118th in Western.
It was a hardware store.

(26:55):
I stood in front of thathardware store and I seen a
detective ride by.
That's a detective that'slooking for me because he's been
at my grandmama in the houselooking for me.
So I already know who thedetective is.
I seen him ride by.
He looked at me.
Come right back around thecorner so fast.
And I stood there and I said,Thank you, Jesus.
That's all I said.

(27:16):
So when he came to me, he said,What's your name?
I say, Brenda.
He said, Your name ain't noBrenda.
I said, That's what I told you.
He said, Your name Rachel Foss.
I say, You know who I am.
Why would you ask me what's myname?
He said, You know, I've beenlooking for you.
I said, Well, here I am.
He said, Is there anything youneed you want to do?
I say, I want to go to mygrandmother's house before you

(27:36):
take me to jail and let her knowI am safe.
And give her all my personalthings.
And he did exactly that.
And when I went to the jail, 11police station, they say, Are
you tired?
I say, I'm very tired.
And I say, Please don't openthem gates until God says, I'm

(27:58):
done.
And that's what happened.
I did 30 days in thepenitentiary, I'm in 30 days of
Cook County Jail.
Every day, every second of theday, I prayed.
God, take away this taste, thethoughts, the strength, the
warmth, the need, whatever itis.
I still say that prayer today.
Take it away from me.

(28:18):
Like I said, I did 30 days inthe county jail.
Before the 30 days was overwith, before they shipped me to
the penitentiary, I was free.
Free.
I was free already.
I was free once I went to thejail.
Once I spent one night in jail,I was clean.
That was my first day.

SPEAKER_05 (28:35):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (28:36):
But I was free.
The reason why I say I was freebecause I didn't feel it.
I didn't feel the want, I didn'tfeel the need, I didn't feel the
desire, I didn't feel the taste,I didn't feel nothing no more.
Okay.
That's how I knew I was free.
So I went to the penitentiary.
I did six months in thepenitentiary when I came home.
They said, where you want to go,your grandma said, No, I want to
go somewhere else.

(28:58):
I went to recovery house.
I stayed there for 30 days, forthree months.
While I'm in the recovery house,which it was in the right spend
brand new in the middle of thedrug world, I was there and I
was okay.
Wow.
I went to AA meetings every day.
I did whatever I had to do.

(29:18):
I lived in the AA six days aweek, maybe seven.
I'm out of my house.
The lady I'm telling you, uh hername was Star.
She had a mobile home for me.
She said, when you get throughwithin three months, I gotta

(29:38):
place for you to stay.
You don't have to pay no rent,you get to pay electric bills.
I got you.
That's exactly what she did.
She had me.
In my addiction to my recovery.
I stayed there.
From there, from 2009.
That's when my recovery started.

SPEAKER_06 (30:01):
So what did your um what have you learned about
yourself on the other side ofyour addiction?

SPEAKER_04 (30:08):
I learned that drugs is not uh drugs cannot take away
your pain.
That's oh, yes.
I learned that God is the leaderof all your steps.
I learned that without God youcan't do nothing.

SPEAKER_05 (30:28):
Nothing.

SPEAKER_04 (30:29):
I learned that my book was already written, so I
that story I say, why me?
Because that is me.
It was written in my book.
I learned that when I got clean,that I was still stuck at the
age of 12.

SPEAKER_06 (30:47):
Yes.
Isn't it amazing when you whenyou find out who you are, what
age for you then when you saidthis is this is me, this is who
I am.

SPEAKER_05 (30:57):
Um I know for me it was I was 53.
I was no I was 40 something.
In your 40s.

SPEAKER_04 (31:12):
But I can train change that number.
It started five years ago when Irealized who I was.

SPEAKER_05 (31:22):
Five years ago.
And we about to be the big sixzero yeah, next year.
55.

SPEAKER_04 (31:28):
Next year, you make sure I'll be 60.
I found out 2020 who I was.
It scared me.
Really?
It scared me because I thought Iknew who I was.
I thought I was living whoRochelle was supposed to be, but
I'm not.
This is that wasn't who I wassupposed to be.

(31:49):
You know, um, the first marriagedidn't last, but a week,
probably, but I stayed in itbecause I took vials.
But soon God opened the window,I moved out of it.
Then I turned around and gotmarried.
Uh seven years later, seven oreight years later, which I

(32:13):
shouldn't have.
Because I still was figuring outwho Rochelle was.

SPEAKER_05 (32:25):
Um let me ask this first.
Who is Rochelle?

SPEAKER_04 (32:32):
Rochelle is a mother, a sister, a
granddaughter, an auntie, aniece, a soul partner.
First of all, I'm a child ofGod.

SPEAKER_00 (32:44):
Hello.

SPEAKER_06 (32:45):
Hello, somebody.

SPEAKER_00 (32:47):
Okay, yes, man.

SPEAKER_04 (32:49):
I want what I want, and I have things that I want to
achieve in life that I felt thatI should have did a long time
ago, but that wasn't my time.

SPEAKER_02 (32:59):
This is my time.
Your time now.
It's my time now.

SPEAKER_06 (33:04):
So you know you you follow me um closely.
Yeah, you know I talk about thebig take back, and you are
enduring exactly what I talkabout.
And this is what I mean abouttaking back your power, taking
back your control.
You are a grandma, agrandmother, a wife, a mother, a

(33:28):
sister.
Okay.

SPEAKER_00 (33:29):
Yes.

SPEAKER_06 (33:30):
And you do, and you are, you have a heart of gold.
You are a very vibrant person.
This is who I know.
I remember when she told me herstory, I was in disbelief.
Just that you you don't see mostfull-blown what they call
crackheads at that time.

(33:51):
The ones who sit and you you seethem, they don't have no teeth.
They're talking to them.
So you don't see people comeback from that.

SPEAKER_03 (33:58):
Well, I ain't got no teeth.
I do have dentures, but they'remine.

SPEAKER_06 (34:03):
They're yours.
They're yours.
They are yours.
That's all I say about my hair.
Don't blame me now.
It's mine.
Yeah.
But you just don't see peoplecome back from that.
And I mean, I look, people whoare faced with trauma, living in

(34:24):
trauma, gotta have faith.
Mostly you can't succeed with itwithout faith.
With faith and just believing.

SPEAKER_04 (34:31):
It's nothing there.
It's nothing there.
I mean, you could be abillionaire, you got some type
of faith.
I don't care if you believe in achair, you got some type of
faith.
Some some faith.
You got some type of faith.
You got to have faith in orderto achieve whatever you need to
achieve.
You got to.
I don't care if it's Lord Jesus,uh, Nelson, whoever it is, I

(34:53):
don't care.
I knew a person, well, I heardof a person that was in recovery
for 50-some years.
His faith was a chair.
His faith was a chair.
But it has gotten him through.
It's gotten him through.

(35:14):
That's all that matters.
Whatever gets you through,that's who you count on.

SPEAKER_06 (35:20):
Girl, uh what message?
What message do you have forothers still caught in that
cycle and that trauma?

SPEAKER_04 (35:30):
One day at a time.
One day.
Keep your faith.
Acknowledge who you are.
Look in the mirror.
A lot of times, always look inthe mirror.
One day you're gonna seesomething that you don't want to
see, and it's gonna change yourwhole your life of yourself.
One day.
That's what I did when I wasgetting high.

(35:52):
I kept a mirror.
I kept a mirror and I kept sometrees.
Right now I don't handle damntrees, but I keep a mirror.
I'm always in a mirror.
Looking back, looking back.
I keep my past up here becauseright now I'm spiritually
grounded.
And right now I am I might have17 years.

(36:13):
I got 17 years, but reality Igot one day.
Go ahead, says one day, and I'mgonna give back, and I'm gonna
give back to freely just as wellas it was given to me.
So I took my little old tailback to school.
All right, you're old, where?

SPEAKER_06 (36:35):
Anyway.

SPEAKER_04 (36:36):
I took my tail back to school.
I gotta do, I got a substanceabuse certificate back in 2019.
Right now, I'm going to schoolto get a socialist degree in
human service, and I'll begraduating spring 2026.

SPEAKER_05 (36:51):
Let me ask you this right real quick.

SPEAKER_06 (36:53):
Is that anything that can take you back to where
you were?
No.

SPEAKER_04 (37:00):
I'm not gonna allow anything to take me back.
I'm not gonna allow anything tocome into my life to allow me to
want to go back.
So if I feel that my addictionis coming and I'm not using,
then I have to remove myself.
Removing yourself.
Yeah, I have to remove myself.
I don't have to remove you, Ihave to remove myself because

(37:20):
it's not your problem.
That's mine.

SPEAKER_06 (37:22):
Hello.
And that's the biggest thing.
That's the that's the big lessonyou learn when you come out of
trauma.
Everybody doesn't have tounderstand what you've been
through or like who you used tobe or like who you are now.
It's you.
It's me.
You control everything.

SPEAKER_04 (37:38):
Everything.
I'm powerless over people,places, and things.
And at the end of the day, ifyou would like to hear my story,
you'd be the best believe Iwould tell you my story.
Because can't nobody tell youbetter than me.
Can't nobody hurt you, which isyou can.

SPEAKER_06 (37:52):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (37:52):
Because I'm gonna tell you, yes, I did that.

SPEAKER_06 (37:54):
Yeah, because people will come in to try to steal
your joy.
I just had that.

SPEAKER_03 (37:59):
I had that done to me with this court case.
I had that done.
And I sold them.
And yes, I did.
And now what?
Well, what what else have yougot to come with?
Come on, cuz because you're notdoing nothing.
You're not hurting me, you'rehurting yourself.

SPEAKER_04 (38:14):
Because at the end of the day, they're looking at
you like, why did you give yourchild to a person that's a
addict?
So who you hurting?
Me or yourself.

SPEAKER_06 (38:27):
Today, how do you define yourself?
I define a success and uh definethat success and freedom because
right now, like you'resuccessful, you got degrees, you
making more degrees, you comingup, okay, you doing some things.

SPEAKER_04 (38:43):
I find myself a success is to getting closer to
God and gaining more trust inmyself and allow myself to be
teachable, teachable.

SPEAKER_02 (39:01):
That's right, that's what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_06 (39:07):
My eyeballs sweating over here.

SPEAKER_00 (39:09):
That's what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_06 (39:10):
Yeah.
Um, if you can speak to youryounger self, what would you
tell that little girl?
What would you say?

SPEAKER_04 (39:18):
What would you I would tell my younger self,
you're okay today.
Whatever you went through,that's not your problem.
That's not your fault.
You're not in control of that.
You let it eat you up, but rightnow you're out of that
situation.
Grow from it, step on it, put itin the dirt, yeah, and allow God

(39:42):
to make you blossom you into abeautiful flower that you are.

SPEAKER_05 (39:47):
Build you.

SPEAKER_06 (39:48):
That's what pain and trauma is.

SPEAKER_04 (39:50):
Yeah, it's you you step on them, you step on them.
Every time things happen for areason, good or bad, there's no
such thing as bad luck.
It's it is what it is.
Ain't nothing you can do aboutit.

SPEAKER_05 (40:04):
So, the mistake you made, step on it, and make
another one, and step on it, andkeep rising, and keep rising,
because that's the only wayyou're gonna learn.
That's right.

SPEAKER_04 (40:17):
Your pain is your strength.
It's not your pain, it's yourstrength.

SPEAKER_06 (40:22):
But it's called pain because you hurt, but it's your
strength, and they're lessons.
Life is all lessons, like yousaid, you gotta be teachable.
Let life, let life teach youthose lessons, teach you those
hard lessons.
Long as you're learning andyou're growing and you're moving
forward, that's how you becomeunstopped.

SPEAKER_04 (40:41):
At the end of the day, you got to understand if
you're not true to yourself, whothe hell can you be true to?
If you don't care for yourself,who how can you care for
somebody else?
If you're ashamed of what youdo, then why are you doing it?
If you're ashamed of what youwent through, why why be why
would you how can you heal ifyou're ashamed of what you went

(41:03):
through?
How can you heal?
Yeah, because it's gonna keepyou in the devil.
That's the devil's world.
The devil is a lie, but he'strue.
Okay, he's real.
He's true.
And see, I was a good servant tothe devil.
I was the I was his best one, Ithink, for me.
Okay, so I know you were the topsoldier.
Hey, you was the top soldier.
Hey, hey, let's do this, okay?

(41:25):
Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 (41:26):
Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 (41:26):
But I know he's he still come at me.
He still come at me, but I knowthe difference between his voice
and God's voice and my heart.
That's the only thing thatwants.

SPEAKER_05 (41:47):
You know the difference.

SPEAKER_06 (41:49):
What's next for you, Miss Rochelle?
Uh, and we are um, let's go toNas.
You you you said you you got Godsons, god daughters.
You are the collector and theprotector of children.
Nas in your life.

SPEAKER_04 (42:05):
Nas been in my life since he was two weeks old, but
I got him permanently.
Not permanently, but he startedliving with me permanently
between three to four months.
Um, I didn't move up here toraise nobody else's child.
Because I had grandkids of myown I could have raised.

SPEAKER_00 (42:24):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (42:25):
Some reason God put upon my heart a baby boy that
was born on the same day I was.
Now, I can't do nothing withoutthe baby boy.
He would be five on ourbirthday.
His mother, his mother was, whenI met her when I moved up here

(42:47):
in 2016, we had a littleconsultation, but at the end of
the day, we connected, becauseshe's a Scorpio too, and she
acknowledged that I'm here, youknow.
Something, she felt somethingfrom me that she wanted me to be
her godmother.

(43:07):
I was a godmother.
But at the end of the day, sheshe was going through her little
trials and tribulations, and shehad people in her life that was
in her ear.
And to make a long story short,she said, I'm pregnant, Ma.
And it's a boy, and he's gonnabe born around your birthday.
I'm good.

(43:28):
He was born on my birthday.
Okay, she needed help.
Yeah.
Before he was even born, sheneeded help.

SPEAKER_05 (43:35):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (43:36):
And I was gonna be there to help her no matter
what.
And I did.
And you did.
But she had people in her eartelling her, I tried to take her
son from her, but I'm trying tofeel how you can take something
that was written and signed inyour name.
You can't do that.

(43:57):
So at the end of the day, I sitback and everybody say, You just
stopped your life with thisbaby.
I said, This baby ain't stoppedmy life.
This baby gained my life.
I said, I need him as much as heneeds me.
You know, I need him as he needsme.
I said, what's meant to be isgonna be.

(44:19):
Courts and all that.
That's what we do.
Spend money, go to court, backand forth, stress out, worry,
you do that.
But at the end of the day, Godgot his hand right there on that
baby.
And his hand went to the baby tomy heart.
That's where his baby is.
You can't take, you can't tearup what God put together.

(44:39):
You cannot.
You cannot.
You cannot tear up together.
You cannot.
You cannot.
I didn't move up here to takecare of no baby.
I moved up here to take care ofRochelle.

SPEAKER_05 (44:49):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (44:50):
I got grandkids.
I don't need nobody else, baby.

SPEAKER_03 (44:53):
I don't even know this girl from Adam to Eve.
This baby is no kid to me, buthe's my son.

SPEAKER_06 (45:00):
So you believe that God sent me.

SPEAKER_03 (45:03):
And you can't tell me he didn't.

SPEAKER_06 (45:05):
That's right.

SPEAKER_03 (45:06):
You can't tell me no different.
That's my son, my grandson,whatever you want him to be,
he's mine.

SPEAKER_05 (45:11):
Yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (45:13):
And he has a mother and he has a father.

SPEAKER_03 (45:17):
He has a mother and a father.
Which is still in his life.

SPEAKER_05 (45:22):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (45:24):
But he's with me and my husband.
Okay.
And we co-parenting.
We a village.

SPEAKER_06 (45:33):
A village.
And anything else besides thebaby?
Any more degrees, any more?

SPEAKER_04 (45:41):
Well, right now I'm getting a social degree.
I don't know because I'm abouttired of school.
I'm about tired of school.
And the only reason I say thatis because this dangle math is
kicking my tail.
Okay.
And people say, you got to takea map.
I say, lady, I've been out ofgrammar school since 81.
I've been out of high schoolsince 85.

(46:03):
I just had my 40th classreunion.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no math.
I said only math I had to do wasA S a trap.
I needed$50 to get this ball.
I need$100 to get this baby.
That's my voice no out.

(46:23):
None of that.
So that's what's stressing meout right now.
Math.
But I don't care how much stressis stressing me, I'm gonna roll
with it.
You're gonna roll with it?
Long as I pass that class andwalk across that stage, I don't
care what I gotta do.
But believe me, I'm not takingno more math.

(46:43):
I'm done.
If the if the degree say I gottahave a math, I don't want no
more degrees.
I don't, I don't, I don't.
I'm not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_01 (46:51):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (46:52):
Because I really, I really don't need all these big
degrees, excuse me, to get toget my peer specialist license
or to open up a recovery home.
I really don't need all that.
I just want a degree just to sayI got it.

SPEAKER_06 (47:04):
So a recovery home, that's uh that's what you have
to do.
That's my step.
That's my step.
I'm so proud of you.
Uh I've told you this on and offcamera.
You look amazing, and you cantell when God got his hands on
you because it just shines allthrough you.
And I'm just so proud to see youtaken back, have taken back,

(47:27):
yeah, and still riding andmoving forward.
That's what it's all about.

SPEAKER_04 (47:33):
And don't get me wrong, it's not a smooth sailing
road or ride, but if that's whatyou want, you're gonna achieve
it.
Yeah, and you're gonna dowhatever you gotta do just like
I did, whatever I had to do toget that wrong.
I'm gonna do whatever I gotta doto stay positive.
That's right.
Because if I can be if I was astrong soldier for negativity,

(47:54):
why can't I be a strong soldierto positive?

SPEAKER_06 (47:56):
But the the key word here is you have to want it.
Nobody can want it more than yougot to you.

SPEAKER_04 (48:04):
I'm not gonna get you sober before and get high.
I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not.
I would be your sponsor, yoursponsor, and I have sponsored
I'm but I will go to the dopehouse and get you out of one
time.
Maybe two times.
The third time, you on your own.

(48:25):
Because see, that's I can't doit.
Because I'm I'm gonna walk inthere and I'm gonna walk out.
That's no problem.
But I'm not gonna get highbefore I get you sober.
I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna want it more thanyou want it for yourself.
I'm not.

SPEAKER_05 (48:41):
You can't do that.
I'm not.
You can't do that.

SPEAKER_04 (48:43):
But my thing is for the recovery home, I went
through the penitentiary and allthat, and I wants to give back,
and I mainly want to work witholder people.
Because older people feel thatI've been out here six or some
years, I'm six or some years, Ican't.
What am I gonna do?

(49:04):
You're gonna do a lot once youclean yourself up.
Because once you let Godacknowledge that this is what
you want to do, he's gonna guideyou.
When I got clean, I didn't haveno job, I didn't have nothing, I
didn't have nowhere to go, noneof that.
Stepped out on faith.
I gave it to him.
I ain't won for nothing.

SPEAKER_06 (49:26):
The older people, yeah, the older people do matter
because they're the leaders.
Um a lot of the young people, weneed some of the older people to
get right so we can see thegame.

SPEAKER_04 (49:39):
That's exactly just right.

SPEAKER_03 (49:40):
That's my whole point.
So the all the older people Iwas in jail with all these
penitentiary, with all theseolder people, and they was like,
I ain't gonna do that.

SPEAKER_04 (49:48):
I'm like, how can you help this young lady when
you ain't even ready to helpyourself?
You can't do that.
You can't tell her something andyou're not doing it yourself.
You can't do that.

SPEAKER_00 (50:02):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (50:02):
So I wanna, I'm gonna open up a recovery home
for people coming out topenitentiary to get their IDs,
all this.

SPEAKER_03 (50:11):
I didn't have none of that.
I had no ID, my drive licensesuspended, I didn't even know.

SPEAKER_04 (50:15):
It was suspended.
So I had to get SR22, all this.
I had people in my life to helpme and guide me long as I showed
them this is what I'm gonna doand I want to do it.
Yeah, but if you're not gonnahelp yourself, help yourself,
ain't nobody gonna help you.

SPEAKER_06 (50:32):
No, ain't nobody gonna have me.

SPEAKER_03 (50:33):
I had plenty of people.
One man trying to turn me into amuscle.
I told him, Look at here, baby.

SPEAKER_04 (50:38):
You trying to turn me into a Muslim, baby.
I said, look at here.
I am not finna cover my hair, Iam not finna wear all that hot
stuff, and I am not finna stopeating chilies.
So that's a done deal.
I'm not, I'm not.
So no.
No, I'm not finna, no, I'm notfinna, no, I'm not finna do

(51:00):
that.

SPEAKER_06 (51:00):
Okay.
But look at you now.
Look at you now, and uh God isgood, and he is all the time.
God is great.
So I pray for your success.
I pray for your, you know, allyour endeavors with helping
other people.
And I thank you for coming onfireside with Brie.

SPEAKER_04 (51:17):
And I don't know.
Now you tell me this, Brie.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_06 (51:22):
What made you what made you open up this category
right here?
B3U.
What made me start doing B3U?
Yes.
As I said, we we share we nevertalked about this before.
Yeah, well, you know.

SPEAKER_03 (51:33):
Well, I know you're a pitch specialist, but I mean,
uh, what's up?

SPEAKER_06 (51:38):
Yes, so we like I said, we share a similar story.
I wasn't, I still am, I justhaven't recertified.
But again, when you're a personof trauma and you want to see
other people win, that's how B3Ucame about.
You know, B3U is all aboutburning, breaking, and becoming
unstoppable.
My message is about taking back.

(52:01):
I have a book coming out.
I have a book coming out that'suh about the big take back,
unbroken, the big take back.
And so I created B3U.
B3U came about is because somany people, even in today's
age, it just sit back and andwatch.

(52:21):
They don't care, they all dothemselves.

SPEAKER_02 (52:23):
That's it.

SPEAKER_06 (52:25):
But you said a couple of things.
It takes a village to help toraise these young kids.
It takes a village to helppeople through, but again, you
have to want for yourself.
So B3U, B3U is that platform.
I said, God, what is it?
You know, because I am a womanof faith myself, and this this

(52:47):
podcast, this show is abouttransformation.
Exactly.
People who have been throughsome things, yeah, people have
got through some things, andstill going through some things,
and still going through themsome things, but where are they?
Yes, come on now, yes, yes, andthis is the chance for to show

(53:10):
people that you can becomeunstoppable, exactly, be through
you, be you, yes, and that's mywhole goal, that's my whole
focus.
Well, is to help people.
I applaud you for this.

SPEAKER_04 (53:28):
I applaud you for even let me be your October
guest, and I applaud you foropening up this door because the
more I talk about myself toothers, the more I learn myself.
And to me, it's like it might bea thousand people in the room or

(53:53):
a thousand people watching.
As long as I get attention toone person, I achieve my goal.

SPEAKER_06 (54:01):
That's what it's all about.
Say, can I?
I achieve my goal.

SPEAKER_04 (54:05):
That's all.
I don't it it don't matter.
You know what I'm saying?
My son and my husband be like,why you always telling your
story?
Because my story is my story.
But if somebody out there livingmy story and don't know how to
get through their story, right?

SPEAKER_03 (54:21):
Oh, come on, sis.
So I got to give it out becausethat's what God, that's what God
put me here.
He saved me for this reasonbecause it's been plenty of
times I done seen doubt.

SPEAKER_04 (54:32):
I done got pistol whooped, left in the alley for
dead, looking like the elephantman, bruises all on my face, and
the same day I get out of thehospital, I'm going to the crack
spot.
So it's somebody out therethat's feeling what I'm going
through.
Yeah.
That needs this.
So I thank you for thisplatform.
Oh, sis.

(54:52):
I thank you for opening up thesedoors.
I thank you for allowing God toguide you and you listening to
Him.

SPEAKER_06 (55:02):
You want to make a bitch cry.

SPEAKER_03 (55:05):
Okay, I'm done with one.
I'm done.
But but that's what it is.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's what it is.
I'm I'm I'm I'm done.
I'm done because I'm not tryingto cry.

SPEAKER_06 (55:19):
Neither.
Yeah, it's about accountability.
It's so much going on in theworld right now.
The people are just sitting bywatching it happen.
I've never been a bystander,somebody that just can sit back.
Me and my husband was justtalking not too long ago.
If I see a woman getting beatdown or something, I'm gonna say
something.
I gotta I gotta do something.

SPEAKER_04 (55:38):
I'm gonna say something.
I'm in a store and the babydoesn't cry, doesn't cry, and
mama.
And you know, I'm gonna go overthere to that baby.
My husband said, you need to,you, you just do that.
My granddaughter my granddaughsaid, Grandma, you talk to
everybody and you know it.

SPEAKER_00 (55:51):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (55:51):
But if it comes to a baby, I'm gone.
That's a trigger for me.
Yes.
And when that trigger hit, I'mgoing to it.

SPEAKER_00 (55:58):
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (55:59):
I don't care who if you don't understand what I'm
saying, you're gonna hear whatI'm saying because I'm gonna
show you when it comes to thesebabies.

SPEAKER_06 (56:06):
Yeah.
And that's that it, that's whatit is for me.
To see women be abused, I can'tsit back and say nothing.
And you see anything.
I think it's just for me, I Ijust abuse period.
All this stuff, I just wastalking about how, you know,
with this current idioticgovernment we have going on
right now.

(56:26):
And it's like, I can the icejust run and ramp it.
It ain't really ice.
I don't, I just think that iceare gonna do like supremacy or
whatever.
And I think that's what it is,just running rampant, but the
way they are treating a humanbeing, I'm for the human race,
not humanity, the human race,black, brown, white, yellow,

(56:50):
green, purple, blue.
Yes, I agree.
The human race.
And how can I sit back and be aninnocent bystander and just let
you just not not on my watch?

SPEAKER_03 (57:02):
I agree with that.
100%.
100%.
And that's 100%.

SPEAKER_06 (57:07):
That that's what it takes to be a leader, a soldier,
somebody who's been through somethings to get that courage to
say, uh-uh, you know, and andthat's why we have a voice.
That's why we have a voice.
And if we don't, since you saidsomething good, that's your
story, that was your past, butthey're trying to erase a lot of
things, and that's what traumatoo, when you hide it, you try

(57:30):
to erase it, yeah, and you justwant to hide from it.
I I was done hiding.
You gotta take that mask off.

SPEAKER_04 (57:36):
You got that mask off, look, you gotta take mask
off, you got to, because at theend of the day, if you got the
mask on and you trying to comeout, you can't come out.
You can't, because you stillcover, you're still covering
yourself.
So you're still holding on tothat paint, still ashamed.
Ashamed, but you don't have noashamed to be, no reason to be
ashamed.
There's no reason because that'slife.

(57:57):
Life is life in, and you got toenjoy it just like it was
yesterday.
You got to, and you can't enjoyit like that.

SPEAKER_06 (58:06):
You can't, you can't.
So it's like, am I going to be avictim or a victor?
And I choose to be a victor.
You got to be a victor becausethat's what God got you left you
here for.
Yeah.
Everybody has a purpose,everybody has a steel.
You just gotta figure it out.
You have to figure it out, youhave to give your time.

(58:26):
That's why another reason isbecause suicide is something
else.
Suicide, we both talked aboutsuicide is for punks.

SPEAKER_04 (58:35):
I say it's for punks because at the end of the day,
God don't want that in yourlife.
He's not gonna give you morethan you can have.
You know what I'm saying?
But if you don't speak and talkabout it, that's when you want
to commit suicide.
Because you're holding an end.

(58:56):
And it's and at that point, thedevil got you.
So he's gonna pull you throughthat rail and he's gonna make
you drunk.
Yeah.
Some so some suicides don'tachieve.

SPEAKER_06 (59:07):
Don't achieve.
Don't achieve is because you youyou have to be stronger than the
pain.
I I would just say people who dofollow through, uh, like my
soldier, uh, may he rest inpeace.
Those are one of the things thathaunt me till this day, but I

(59:30):
keep telling myself, there'snothing that I could have done.
His destiny, his whatever washis.
And sometimes we people like meand you, we go to the depths.
We go to the depths, we go tothe depths.
Because it's in our soulsomebody.

SPEAKER_04 (59:44):
It's in our heart and it's in our soul.

SPEAKER_06 (59:47):
Because we made it right through, and we look, I
went from suicide to homicide.
Like, look, look here.
Okay, I got kids.
I'm not about to take myself outand leave my.
Kids.
They could come visit me injail, bring me some fried
chicken and apple pie.
Okay.
Like my I'm like this.
Just put money on my books.

SPEAKER_04 (01:00:08):
You ain't gonna come see me.
Just put money on my book.
Just put money.
That's it.
You ain't gonna come see me.
You know?
When I went to Pen Church, don'tcome see me.
Just put money.
Don't bring my kids on.
I don't want to see y'all.

SPEAKER_03 (01:00:18):
Put money on my books because it's not about
y'all.

SPEAKER_06 (01:00:21):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (01:00:22):
It's about me.
And if I don't get myselftogether, I can't do nothing for
y'all.

SPEAKER_06 (01:00:25):
I can't do nothing for nobody else.

SPEAKER_03 (01:00:27):
So I don't want to see y'all.

SPEAKER_06 (01:00:28):
So I just think sometimes people who do follow
through with suicide just, yeah,I don't I wouldn't say that they
were a punk or they were, I justwas like, uh, they couldn't,
they weren't strong enough.
They wasn't.

SPEAKER_04 (01:00:45):
And I wouldn't say that.
I'm gonna take that back.
I wouldn't say they was a punk.
They wasn't strong enough, andthen they they faith, they let
faith, they let their faithdown.
Yeah, they let their face down.
That darkness would tear you up,baby.
I'm telling you, when I tried towalk into that 18-wheeler truck,
I seen me walking into this18-wheeler truck.

SPEAKER_03 (01:01:06):
I seen the truck run me over, I seen all this, but
I'm still here.

SPEAKER_06 (01:01:12):
Yeah, it's because you have to allow yourself
enough time to see God's plan.

SPEAKER_03 (01:01:21):
I seen it.
I seen it right now.
I don't know what God's plan is.
All I know is I'm living fortomorrow.

SPEAKER_04 (01:01:28):
Yes.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
I know that I'm spirituallygrounded.
I know that I can't pick up andI'm not gonna pick up and I
don't want to pick up.
I know that sometimes, yes, thatbaby stressed me out.
Yes, my husband stressed me out.
Yes, school stressed me out.
But I did 30 years in addiction.

(01:01:49):
That should have stressed me outmore.
Yeah.
But I'm still here.

SPEAKER_06 (01:01:52):
You have to see a bigger picture.

SPEAKER_04 (01:01:54):
So I got to walk.
My grandmama gone, my granddaddygone, my daddy gone, my mama
gone, my other grandmama gone.
All the metrinox is gone.
I'm the oldest grandchild.
It was 10 of my mama.
She was the oldest.
I'm the oldest grandchild.
My son, the oldest greatgrandchild.

(01:02:15):
His son, the oldest great-greatgrandchild.
My grandmama seen five or sixgenerations before she died.

SPEAKER_06 (01:02:24):
You can't help but to continue to win.

SPEAKER_04 (01:02:27):
I I I can't.
I can't.
My grandmama used to watch thenews to see if they gonna find
my money in the alley.
She watched the news until I gotclean.
Every day.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:43):
Every day.

SPEAKER_04 (01:02:44):
She prayed every day for me.
When I got clean, she still waspraying.
She still didn't trust me.

SPEAKER_06 (01:02:55):
Before she died.
And that's what we have to get.
We have to want to get to seethe end.
And the end result.

SPEAKER_04 (01:03:07):
That end result, so that's what pushing me.
That's what's pushing me.
My mama seen me clean.
My daddy seen me clean.
My grandmama seeing me clean.
Only two people that see meclean was my grandmother on my
father's side and my granddaddy.
And the only two, but they seeme now.

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:26):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:03:27):
So I gotta push.

SPEAKER_06 (01:03:28):
I don't know why you insist on making me cry.
When you ask why I do this,that's why.
That's good.
It's because I want all thosethat see my people, some of the
people that hurt me are stillliving.

(01:03:51):
And it's like look at me now.
Look at me now.
You can't deter me and youcannot muzzle me or mask me
anymore.

SPEAKER_04 (01:04:02):
You know why?
Because when they look at you,they hurt.
They hurt when they look at youbecause they try to tear you
down.
And the more they try to tearyou down, from a young one to
now, the more you get stressed.
The more arise.
The more let them.

SPEAKER_06 (01:04:22):
And yeah, flaunt it.
Mel Robbins.
Look, let them.

SPEAKER_03 (01:04:28):
But hey, speak it out.

SPEAKER_06 (01:04:30):
Read this, read Mel Robbins, Let Them.
That's a good book.
Yeah.
It's a good book.
Let them.
And you know, as I was writingmy book, you know, it, you know,
it that her book kind ofinspires and says, you know
what?
Let them.
Let them let them be who theyare.
Look, ex-husband can't stand me.
Don't know why I like do you'vebeen remarried to the same chick

(01:04:52):
that I left you with.
Like I left you.
Let's keep that in mind.
And still to this day, you know,um, not at uh maybe last year,
you know, got into an argumentwith me.
And at first I I let that fearcome over me.
And I was like, wait a minute,what the hell am I fearing for?
I'm a grown woman now.

(01:05:13):
These kids grown.
Grown, grown.
I went back and was like, let metell you, I lit into him, but it
made me think like after what,are my son is 37.
After 30, 30 years, you stillmad?
What you mad for?
You know why I'm mad?
Look at you.
Look.

(01:05:35):
You should be mad.
Like, what are you mad enough toput himself in the dirt?
Yeah, but that's not mad heshould be.
Still mad.
And I said to myself, he be andand that that same cousin who
molested me.
And this is the thing that Iwant to I want to tell people to

(01:05:55):
people who do you wrong.
God, you know, we so ready.
I was so ready, I was a fighter.
You know, as Scorpio, we put thepaws on you in the heart.
Yes.
But I would I try to take teachmy children, see, when you get
older, you get wiser.
Exactly.
And what life has taught me,because at first, when I

(01:06:16):
unmasked, oh, I wanted to go toPhilly and let into my cousin.
I wanted to expose everything,but why take away your why God,
God, that cousin right now is ahot ass mess.
He can't even wipe his own ass.
So, and it just, you know, I hadsaw him.

SPEAKER_04 (01:06:37):
Why would you do something when God already did
it?

SPEAKER_06 (01:06:39):
God already is handling it.

SPEAKER_04 (01:06:41):
He did it already.

SPEAKER_06 (01:06:42):
And he's doing it.
And he's doing he's gonnacontinue.
That's why we don't have to goout here and fight our battles.
The battle is already won.
Yes, you're going through pain.
Yes, you're going throughtrauma, but all these people
will be taken care of.
God is the number one, he is aprovider and protector, and
everybody who did you wrong.

(01:07:04):
That's it.
Not here today or ain't doingwell at all.

SPEAKER_03 (01:07:07):
Come on, man.
What you want to say?
That's it.

SPEAKER_06 (01:07:10):
But you know what I learned to say?
But I was saying that uh lastyear, my husband, he caught like
even my child, my daughter, likemy daughter, my oldest daughter,
don't even talk to him anymorebecause now you know she's seen
a little bit as a kid, but shewas like, as at this age, you
still calling my mother black,stupid, ugly, monkey bitches?

(01:07:37):
Seriously, you you think thosesame words still hurt?

unknown (01:07:42):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 (01:07:43):
Because what what what else do he have to come at
you with?

SPEAKER_03 (01:07:46):
What else?
You know, what else?
He don't have nothing.

SPEAKER_06 (01:07:49):
He has nothing.
He's fighting a fight that hecan't never win.
You know, it's a done deal.
You know, and then looking me upon the internet, so you see I
live in over a half a milliondollar home while you sit and
living in a two-bedroomapartment.
Bless your heart.
God got it.
God got it.
So and that's not even the pointof how you live and how he

(01:08:12):
living.

SPEAKER_04 (01:08:13):
The point is you have arrived.

SPEAKER_06 (01:08:15):
I have arrived.
That's the point.
The point is, you know, whenyou're looking at people that
tried to hurt you or it'sbecause they now we talk about
God and the devil, right?
Which those spirits are real.

SPEAKER_00 (01:08:30):
Yeah, they are.

SPEAKER_06 (01:08:31):
The devil, the enemy comes to kill, steal, and
destroy.
So of course, when you make itto where you're supposed to be,
your hater is gonna come in.
They're gonna come because theyknow they're gonna have to.

SPEAKER_04 (01:08:44):
And then at the end of the day, your haters, your
friends that they say they wereyour friend, they're gonna drop.
Oh yes.
They're gonna drop.
Yes.
God don't drop them.
Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
And you ain't even gonna knowwhy.
Look, you ain't gonna know when.
Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 (01:09:03):
And you ain't gonna worry about it either, because
you know why?
That's something that you didn'tdo yourself.

SPEAKER_06 (01:09:08):
Yeah, God did that.
You can't do that.
When when when God elevates you,things have to die off.
When God elevated you out ofaddiction, I'm sure you don't
hang around with the friendsthat you used to do.

SPEAKER_04 (01:09:20):
I got I got one girlfriend with two, but one
main girlfriend that she callsme.
I call her and check on her.
I'm her inspiration.
But when I go to Chicago, Idon't go see her.
But on the phone, I would talkto her all day long.

(01:09:42):
And she knows I love her dearly,but I don't go see her.
If I'm in the streets and I seeone of somebody I used to get
high with, how you doing?
Show them love.
I'm out that door.
That's not my company no more.

SPEAKER_02 (01:09:57):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:09:58):
That's not my company no more.
I love you.
I'm not better than you.
Right.
I am you.
But I got to go.

SPEAKER_06 (01:10:07):
Yeah.
I got to go.
I just, I just I can't do that.
You have a better version ofyourself.

SPEAKER_04 (01:10:13):
I can't that that spirit won't allow me to stand
there and do this with you.

SPEAKER_06 (01:10:18):
Yeah.
It won't.
So, sis, they you you uh youeither fly with the eagles or
you stay walking with the I knowyou're gonna say the eagles in.
You just had to throw that inthe room.

SPEAKER_03 (01:10:33):
Okay, you had to do that.

SPEAKER_06 (01:10:36):
I'm sorry.
Well, no, I'm not sorry.
I'm not gonna apologize.
You better exactly.
I think I'm already prepared.
I've already I used to have abig circle, and that was a part
of my trauma too.
I wanted to save and beeverybody's friend to see, show
you that Brie is a good girl.

SPEAKER_04 (01:10:53):
No, you can't do that.
Bree is a good girl.
My brother, my brother tell you,y'all ain't got no friends up
there.
I told him I ain't move up herefor no friends.
All my friends is to come.
I didn't move up here with nofriends.
I said, I got who I want when Iwant them.
God put them in my life.
Yeah, and that's who's gonnastay in my life.
I'm not trying to meet no newfriends, I don't want no new
friends.
People don't come over, I don'tcare.

(01:11:14):
That's right.
Because when I want to have fun,I know where to go.

SPEAKER_00 (01:11:18):
That's right.

SPEAKER_03 (01:11:19):
I can have fun by myself.
I don't need nobody to help mehave fun.

SPEAKER_06 (01:11:22):
Or judge.
No, I don't need none of that.
I'm telling you.

SPEAKER_03 (01:11:26):
I'm not trying to impress nobody.

SPEAKER_06 (01:11:28):
None.

SPEAKER_03 (01:11:28):
I am who I am.
If you're gonna accept it ornot, move around because I ain't
going nowhere.

SPEAKER_06 (01:11:34):
And the other thing too is I learned when you're a
person of trauma or past pains,you want to help everybody you
want to see.
Everybody.
But then when the time comes foryou, ain't nobody there.
You looking around.

SPEAKER_04 (01:11:48):
And ain't nobody there.
Ain't nobody there.
Until you until you achieve andyou and get off that boat.
Now they like, girl, how youknow?
I ain't gonna tell you.
You know, because if you I wantto tell you something, but I
ain't gonna tell you.
Yeah.
I'm gonna leave you like you arebecause at the end of the day,
it's your problem, not mine.

(01:12:10):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 (01:12:11):
And gotta see you through, gotta help you, gotta
make it.
I put everybody back in thehands of the Lord.
Like well, can they go?

SPEAKER_03 (01:12:19):
Because I can't hold them.

SPEAKER_06 (01:12:20):
I can't, you know, even and you know that, oh gosh,
that you know, you it's likewhen you get older, you get
wiser.
Yeah, you supposed to start tosee, you know, stayed in church,
like you said.
I mean, I've been born aCatholic, raised a Baptist, born
in a uh raised in the uh I wentthrough all that.
I went through every religionthat you can possibly imagine.

SPEAKER_04 (01:12:41):
Well, what I realized today is that God is
love, no matter what, no matterwhat religion, what
Christianity, whatever, he islove, you know, and you know
he's love because it's in yourheart and your soul.

SPEAKER_06 (01:12:56):
And you always but you always want to see people
win.
But at the end of the day, don'tnobody want to see you win.
If yet for those who don't wantto see you win, I tend to stick
with people I pray with themmore.
I pray for them more.
I do.
I do, I pray for my ex-husband.
I look, look, dude, may God andthe force be with you.

SPEAKER_04 (01:13:19):
You know, I pray, I pray for my ex-husband.
I I pray, but I I'm like this.
I thank God for me.
Yeah, oh yes.
Look, I thank God for saving me.
I thank God for allowing me.
I thank God for me.
I thank God for me, for allowingme to see two different lives at
one time.

(01:13:41):
And be just and it ain't it, itain't even really two, it's
three.
Because I see three differentparts of me.
I see the childhood, I see theaddiction, I see me.
I got one more to go.
What is that gonna be?

SPEAKER_02 (01:13:58):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (01:13:59):
What it is now, what it is.

SPEAKER_02 (01:14:01):
I don't know.
You don't know yet.
I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 (01:14:04):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (01:14:04):
That's it.
I'm just counting it.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I'm just counting it.

SPEAKER_06 (01:14:09):
I look, Rochelle, it's like I'm just now living.
I feel like I'm just now living,and I'll be 55.

SPEAKER_03 (01:14:20):
In a couple more days, you'll be whack.

SPEAKER_04 (01:14:22):
You be white, girl.
You better claim that, huh?
Rocket baby.

SPEAKER_03 (01:14:26):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 (01:14:27):
Go ahead and look at it.
So okay, because I didn't haveto be here.
I could have given up so manytimes.
And that's that's an you askedme what's the reason for B3.

SPEAKER_04 (01:14:39):
I needed to know because it's like this platform
is a valid evaluating.
What am I trying to say?

SPEAKER_06 (01:14:48):
It's a valid, it's a what are you trying to say?
It's a validation that you cando, that you can make it.
Right.
B3, it's you that you can breakthe cycle, okay?
That's it.
It's you can build a legacy.
It's you because that's what I'mdoing.
That's what we're doing.
That's it.
We're building legacies.
That's it.

SPEAKER_05 (01:15:08):
That's it.

SPEAKER_06 (01:15:09):
We are building legacies, and the more people
when you and I pray for you thatyou do get that recovery home.
Oh, I'm getting it.
And and I know you will.
I'm getting it.
Because anything that God hasfor you, no man can stop.

SPEAKER_03 (01:15:22):
I'm getting it.
I'm I'm not, I don't care whohead I'm stepping on.

SPEAKER_06 (01:15:26):
I'm getting it.
We want to step on the devil'shead.

SPEAKER_01 (01:15:29):
Oh, I'm gonna step from him every day.

SPEAKER_06 (01:15:31):
Every day, every day, every second of the day.
Every opportunity that I get toshow somebody another person who
has made it through.
I want people to say, if MissRochelle Tucker made it through
30 years of addiction, was ithow many years of addiction?
Close to 30 years.
30 years of addiction.

SPEAKER_04 (01:15:52):
That damn food.
That's what they're gonna say.
That that damn food made, I knowI can't.

SPEAKER_06 (01:15:56):
Look, and for those that are viewing you who know
you, I know people who look yourhusband that you're married to
now, you knew him since gradeschool.
No, since high school.
High school.

SPEAKER_04 (01:16:09):
We had high school crushes on each other.
High school.
High school crushes on eachother.
And uh we graduated from highschool in '85 together.
He had a 20-year marriage.
I had an addiction marriage.
Uh I got married, he gotdivorced, we connected, and I'm
here.
And and there you are.

SPEAKER_06 (01:16:30):
And he knew all of your past.

SPEAKER_03 (01:16:33):
Yeah.
Of course it did, because Iwasn't finna marry him without
knowing giving it to him.
I gave him everything he neededto know and more.
Sunday he was like, what thehell am I doing?

SPEAKER_06 (01:16:46):
But look at like that's the same with my husband.
You know, my husband, I, youknow, he sat one day because
after I came back from thattrauma clinic, I told him and I
explained to her, I did a littlearts and crafts, and I had to
show him I had graves, you know,and he just was like, I can't

(01:17:08):
believe that you went throughlike that hurt him so bad.
Yeah.
But I say, you know, what I saynow is don't that little girl,
that little girl, I I what I didwas when I left Chicago, because
I went to the rush home inChicago, and I remember leaving
that that hotel room, and Ienvised that little girl sitting

(01:17:30):
on the bed, and I said, You'llbe all right.
You know, start your start yourlife, start a good thing.

SPEAKER_04 (01:17:36):
Start your whole section.

SPEAKER_06 (01:17:37):
But I am still learning.
Somebody said to me, uh-uh,don't leave that little girl
behind.
Bring her with you.
And I said, you know what?
I just start, I don't, it's likeI didn't bring her with, but
grow.
Go hit, be you, you are allowed,she got the change off.

SPEAKER_04 (01:17:56):
She gotta grow with you through you.
She has to.
So she has to.
My 12-year-old girl had to growwith me through me.
Because sometimes I still seeher come out.

SPEAKER_00 (01:18:08):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:18:09):
I still see her come out.

SPEAKER_03 (01:18:10):
I told girl, you don't sit your little mad ass
down somewhere.
Because I was managed.
I wasn't managed, managed, I wasspoiled.
And I'm still spoiled and if youmy granddaddy ain't here to
spoil me like that.
So I spoil myself.
So if you're not gonna spoil me,I'm gonna spoil myself.
I don't care whatever it takesme to do it, I'm gonna do it.
For me, it was anger.

SPEAKER_06 (01:18:31):
I I was, you know, I was I was spoiled at the age of
one and nine.
Then, you know, my grandmotherraised me.
I grew up thinking mygrandmother was my mother.
Then my mother decided to go andchange the whole world around
and watching her getting beaten.
Then I'd get beaten.
Then you go in the military andyou get all of this.
I was angry.
I was angry.

SPEAKER_04 (01:18:50):
I can't say I was angry, B, Bree.
I got angry when I got older.
I get angry in my addiction.
I didn't get angry growing up.
I didn't.
I was a tomboy.
I didn't get angry growing upbecause I it didn't nothing
stop.
The abuse, the abuse, theMalaysian stopped, but I blocked

(01:19:12):
that out.

SPEAKER_03 (01:19:13):
I didn't need that.
Like I said, I didn't recoverthat until I was 30, late 30s,
20, you know what I'm saying?
I didn't recover that untilOprah Running came out.

SPEAKER_04 (01:19:21):
But uh all through the life, but I think it caught
me when I got when I starteddealing with boys.
Because I was a convoy until Iwas 18, till I was 17.
I was grinding for a whole yearwhen my baby dead.
I got tired of grinding.

(01:19:41):
I said, let's do this stuff forreal.
He was younger than me, but hewas more experienced than me.
Then I boofed up past him.
So that molestation kicked inthen.
And I didn't realize that.
I didn't realize that.
I didn't even know what a climaxwas.

(01:20:02):
I just knew I was wet.

SPEAKER_06 (01:20:05):
Yo know what I've been I've been with my husband
now uh 14 years.
And look, okay, we're just gonnakeep it real, okay?
Before my husband, I didn'treally know what making love

(01:20:26):
was.
Exactly.
Yeah, you know, I didn't reallynow it's like my body, yeah,
like Wow, I need this.
Uh somebody who has beenmolested, you you you don't know
what still needs those, you youjust really don't know what love
is and none of that.
That's you know, I was trickedinto that first marriage just

(01:20:49):
because here I was pregnant bymy my my my rapist, and I didn't
want to say anything, and thenhere this man said, I'll take
care of you.
But see, he knew that he that'show vulnerable he caught me
vulnerable and he knew how mymother was, so he tricked me
into saying, I'll take care ofyou.
And then once I got in with himand his family, I had my son, I

(01:21:10):
was pregnant.
Before I went back to mysix-week checkup, I was pregnant
with my second son.
And here comes the abuse.
Yeah.
I was like, Well, I thought Iwas safe.
No, it was already there.
I didn't get a chance.
He had a hidden agenda for you.
Yeah, I didn't get that.
I didn't get the chance.

(01:21:31):
I never got the chance to sitdown and tell anybody what
happened or what what wentthrough my mind or what was
going on.
I thought I was in my safe spacewith him.
So he wasn't another baby.
I'm like, okay, we're going todo it.
And then now at like uh I maybewas six months pregnant, you

(01:21:53):
dragging me down the steps,beating on me.
It's like, oh, then you herecome the numbness.
And it, I was people back then,you couldn't call the cops on
your husband for rape.
No, there was no such thing.
That's your husband.
He can't rape.
That's your husband, he can'trape you.
So it's like I'm just now atthis age of 14 years, because

(01:22:15):
look, I was out there becauseafter a while, you you lose that
self-worth, and I I went to themilitary.
I went to the military, I waslike, oh, yeah, you get the
push.
You get the you want the pussy?
You can get it.
And I don't want to, becausefirst of all, you were trying to
clean yourself because you feltdirty.
I just didn't care.

SPEAKER_03 (01:22:35):
You didn't care.

SPEAKER_06 (01:22:36):
I didn't care who got it, who wanted it.
You're not hurting me.
Right.
Now, you know, I'm thinkinglike, oh, you know, I've I run
this now.
So, but at you know, like I'musing men, and at the same, at
the time, it really I wasn'tusing them.
I was still just masking,masking yourself, masking
myself.

SPEAKER_04 (01:22:55):
Numbness, pushing it all the way down to the bottom
of your stomach, and just goingto live life.

SPEAKER_06 (01:23:00):
My husband, with the now, the first time we got
together, I just was like, youknow, I had been celebrating
because I was like the marriedman's dream.
It was like, you know, here Iam.
You know, I wouldn't even knowhalf the people be married.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like, why don't you justtell me?

(01:23:20):
But for my husband, uh, youknow, I got I had a situation, I
just was like, that's it.
I'm tired.
I was in, you know, 40 yearsold.
It's time for a change.
I'ma just be celibate, likeCardi said.
I'm gonna be celibate.
I know I can make some money.
Go ahead, Cardi.
You did that that album, girl,but anyway.
Yes, she did.
Uh, Cardi did that album, butanyway, I am the drama.

(01:23:43):
Yes, yes, I am.

SPEAKER_04 (01:23:44):
Yes, I am my own drama though.
Yeah, my own drama.
That's the part.
Yeah, I'm my own drama.

SPEAKER_06 (01:23:49):
I'm not your drama, I'm my own.
I don't need no help.
And so with my husband cominginto my, I just well, for first
time being with him, I was like,well, you know, whatever.
One night, I ain't I ain'tworried about it because I had
been celibate for like, I don'tknow, almost a year during that

(01:24:10):
time.
So when I met my husband, I, youknow, we one time.
And then when he he you knowcalled me the next day, I was
like, what the hell?
He didn't call me back.
I mean, you will know whensomebody genuinely loves me.
When someone genuinely loves youbecause they will show it.

(01:24:30):
My husband didn't show it rightwith sex, because that was a
wild night.
You know what I'm talking about,baby.
That was a wild night.
He when he came back, you know,I was a single mom.
All my four of my children wasout of the house.
My daughter was with me, my babygirl was with me.
He came in making changes, like,oh, why do you got this
furniture here?

(01:24:51):
Oh, you don't have a TV.
Let me get you a TV, let me getyou a washing machine.
Washing machine broke, he boughta new one.
You know, it's like, wait aminute, what what what is going
on?
When when people come ingenuinely to love you for who
you are, this man didn't knownothing about me.
But when we had sex again, itwas different.

(01:25:15):
You've seen the fireworks.
Fireworks, I mean, he touched medifferent, fireworks.
He cared about me.
Yeah.
And that's why I try to tell mymy children, all young late,
just you know, if you have beenmolested, you know, because one
thing that I want people to knowis that it's our story.

(01:25:37):
Yeah, nobody knows what you'vebeen through better than you.
So you can't expect, like, myhusband don't understand, like,
don't touch me when I'm in theshower.
Don't touch me if you're dirty.
If I get out the shower and youtouch me, we're gonna fight.
And he would be like, Why areyou like that?
You know, if I say to be gentlewith me, and he don't

(01:26:03):
understand, I had to learn ishe, it's not for him to
understand.

SPEAKER_04 (01:26:07):
No, you have to spin it to him.

SPEAKER_06 (01:26:09):
But it's like we have a good communication.
I'm very blessed with the thehusband I have, the friends that
I have, because I can understandyou.
You know what I'm saying?
If you say, Brie, you know, Idon't want this, I don't want to
eat that, or I don't want todrink alcohol or whatever.
I was like, okay, Rochelle, andI'll bring it, you know what I

(01:26:29):
mean?
But you can't expect everybodyto understand your past traumas.
You can't, it's it's so much tolearn about women and men who
have experienced trauma.
Yeah.
But sis, I'm telling you, wecould talk to this audience all
we're not, but we're gonna comeback.
I'm gonna invite you backbecause it's so much that we can

(01:26:51):
talk about and help peoplethrough.
And I think this is October,okay?
Transformation.

SPEAKER_04 (01:26:57):
This is all one scorpion in next month.
So we have two episodes, yeah.
Scorpion.

SPEAKER_06 (01:27:02):
It'll be a part two.
Mount up, okay.
Transform.
Boom.
Okay, so sis, thank you, myaudience.
Thank you for coming on thisshow.
Fireside chat with Bree, andwe're gonna do this again.
I thank you all for joining usat this week.
Thank you, and have a good day,everyone.

SPEAKER_04 (01:27:21):
God bless.