November 24, 2025 • 39 mins
After the crisis fades and the house grows quiet, three sisters—retired veterans and entrepreneurs—gather to confront life beyond survival, where grief lingers, faith is tested, and purpose takes shape. Brenda carries the weight of losing five loved ones in a year and protecting her peace, Ashley recalls delaying grief until it struck unexpectedly, and Monique reflects on military trauma and the long road back to grounded faith. Together they move from prayer over fear to practical healing steps like boundaries, therapy, asking for help, and leaning on community, while wrestling with how to prepare children for loss through resilience, emotional language, and support systems. Their conversation pushes back on the myth that strength means silence, weaving legacy, leadership, and entrepreneurship into a vision where joy endures even in the shadow of grief.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
So thank you, ladies, for um coming and
sitting in and having thisconversation with me and my
audience.
And I want to talk about how aswomen we were taught to survive,
but we wasn't taught how tosurvive after the struggle.
Okay, and many of us, um many ofus have grown up with uh in
(00:27):
certain uh households andcertain traumas.
Even today, you know, we we gothrough some struggles.
We're all here, we're allretired veterans.
Uh but my my sister right here,but you are still the wife of a
veteran.
Um you know what it's like whenyou've seen your husband go
through some things.
(00:47):
So I just want to kind of askwhat, because we're walking,
we're walking into our becoming,right?
We can come from the making tothe becoming.
So I just want to talk a littlebit about how we have gotten to
where we are today as women whoare business owners.
We're all business owners here.
(01:08):
And uh, like I said, themilitary.
So what do you think is uh someof the lessons that life has
taught you?
What is life have what has lifetaught you?
What is life teaching you?
And how are you surviving today?
I'm gonna start over here.
I'm gonna start with the lovelyMiss Brenda.
SPEAKER_05 (01:30):
Um, so first of all, thank you for having me, Shaw.
Um, it is such a pleasure to bea part of what you have started
to do because a lot of us reallyneed this, right?
Um, so what started me or whathas motivated me throughout this
whole journey of life is reallyjust trusting God, trusting God
(01:52):
um and going into things scared,right?
SPEAKER_03 (01:55):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (01:56):
So because we're sometimes talk ourselves out of
things because we are scared.
unknown (02:00):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (02:01):
If you go into it scared with faith, you can't
fail.
Because God is in control of it,right?
SPEAKER_00 (02:07):
Yes, okay.
SPEAKER_05 (02:09):
That is that's that's the that's it.
Yeah, it's it.
SPEAKER_00 (02:14):
That is I like what you say because we just talked
about this yesterday.
Now, mind you, these are all mysisters, okay?
These are all my sisters.
I think she the baby, but um weare you are you the baby?
Oh one of the babies, oh thebaby.
But you know, sometimes we howwe always say life be life and
(02:35):
life be life and we don't eventalk, baby, what, a month?
A month?
I talk, I gotta talk to herevery day.
I gotta talk to her every day.
She's oh Jesus.
This is the Miss Ashley Brown,she's the behind the scenes
person, but we all we sometimeswe go what a month?
May I I don't think we go amonth over.
(02:56):
Do we go over a month oftalking?
We have okay, a month and ahalf.
I don't think I let her go overa month and a half, but we
always say, man, life be life,and we go through our things,
and then we come back togetherand we're you're sharing our
stories, picking up the pieces,and then we share how we get
through this.
And one of the things we werejust talking about yesterday is
(03:18):
how our pre how to pray over ourfear and to put the worship over
our worrying.
So um uh I know that we werejust talking yesterday, Brenda,
and you were telling us how youhave been not not not have you
arrived at your peace, but howyou're protecting your peace,
(03:40):
how you go through being strongafter losing how many?
Five five family members in aspan of what one month?
One year, yeah.
One year.
And it's hard.
Uh explain a little bit how youwere saying how it's hard when
people call and you know and askyou those questions, are you
(04:00):
okay or whatever?
SPEAKER_05 (04:02):
Yeah, so um throughout the journey, like it
started with my best friend andthen my grandmother, my sister,
my nephew, and then my greatnephew.
And throughout that wholeprocess, of course, you know,
the first initial was my bestfriend, and it was like easy to
receive, right?
Because I'm like, yeah, I neededthe support, whatever, whatever.
(04:23):
Then it comes to my grandmother,and I'm like, okay, now you're
just calling me like threemonths later to say the same
thing.
And it became numb.
I became numb to it.
And I it was to the point wherepeople call and they're like, I
don't know what to say.
And I'm like, I understand itbecause I don't know what to
tell you to say, because Iwouldn't know what to say to
you, right?
(04:44):
Because it's not a typical thingto happen to people, right?
Right.
It's not really normal to havethat many deaths back to back to
back, you know, grieving.
You you don't have time togrieve one person before you're
grieving the next.
So it's it was just like to thepoint where I say, you know
what, I have to be okay withGod's decision.
SPEAKER_02 (05:05):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (05:06):
Because He's in control of everything.
He knew from the day that wewere swarmed into our parents'
belly, our mother's belly thatwe will be born on whatever day,
and he knew the day that wewould die.
SPEAKER_02 (05:17):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (05:18):
And so that was my reality check.
Like, it's okay to not be okay.
And that's what I would tellpeople.
Like, I'm not okay.
But if I'm shutting down, if Idon't call, if I don't answer,
it's just because I have to dealwith it in my own time.
And I can't I can't allow myselfto apply my burdens, my grief
(05:39):
onto you.
You've got life going on, youknow.
So if I know that you have lifegoing on, you may be going
through something too.
So I can't just say, hey, here,take this and beat you down with
it, right?
Because it's too heavy for you.
So I have to go through myprocess and trust God that He's
gonna get me through it.
SPEAKER_00 (05:58):
And I'd say, I I I think that's the same for me.
I I'm close to you all.
So you know I will call and belike, you know, I I'm a little
different.
Now, everybody is different intheir trauma.
Some people want to be justquiet.
And from what I noticed, most ofyou, y'all get quiet.
I'm okay.
And you know, and it's like,okay, well, you know, I know
(06:20):
that they will reach out if theyneed or want to talk.
But for me, y'all already knowit get quiet, call Brie, because
she she probably about to jumpoff somebody's first step, you
know.
SPEAKER_05 (06:33):
So this is the first thing.
SPEAKER_00 (06:36):
Yeah, because some people believe silence is a
healing mechanism.
Now, for me, I always teachpeople that you know, don't
listen to yourself because intrauma, when we get in trauma,
we we tend to listen at our, Ishould have done this better,
you know, I could have mademaybe I should have done it this
way, or maybe if I was there,this wouldn't have happened, or
(06:58):
maybe we, you know, all theanxiety things that we think in
our head.
And the truth is that I justagain have to re-uh, what's the
word I'm looking for?
Re-assure myself is that thatwork control.
God is in control.
But we always want to controlthe situation and pray to God.
(07:23):
Say, God, you're in control, andthen we go out there, we're
trying to fix everything.
So, you know, what are somethings, some things, Ash, that
maybe you find yourself tryingto control, and then you just
said, you know, I'm gonna justgive it to God.
I can't do this no more.
As being a single mom, I mean,you have so much.
SPEAKER_04 (07:42):
Almost everything, really.
Um, like I guess we could stayon the topic, like losing
people.
So, I mean, I like like when mystepdad passed, I'm like, okay,
everybody else is cryinghurting.
I thought I gotta, I gotta bethe strong one.
I gotta go help my mom to getthe arrangements, I gotta
distance that.
So I'm the only one at thefuneral checking on everybody
(08:03):
else.
It wasn't about me.
I'm making sure everybody'sgood.
I'm making sure the the lineupis right.
I'm like, nope, we forgot aboutuh my auntie.
She ain't in the line.
Hold on, we're not walking inyet.
She's on her way, she's still onthe highway.
We gonna stand out here andwait.
So I'm told the funeraldirector, I'm like, You good?
Play some music.
She's on her way, she'll be herein a minute.
So it's like it takes me aminute to, I know it takes me a
(08:24):
minute to process things likethat because I'm too busy making
sure that everybody else isgood.
And literally, I don't think Ifully processed his death until
maybe like a year later, likethe anniversary.
And it hit me because it wasjust me at home.
The kids were at school.
I was like, he literally died ayear ago.
(08:46):
And it just like, it it's almostlike it had just happened.
It just hit me.
I'm like, oh my god, I gottadeal with this.
And then fast forward to my goodfriend Keisha, her mother
passed, and I'm like, I can'tcry because she's crying.
So I have to get it together.
I gotta get strong, I gotta makesure this, this, and that.
So I'm over there helping herget all the arrangements.
She's breaking down, and I'mlike, you better cry, you better
(09:07):
not cry.
I'm like literally talkingmyself in my head, not knowing
that it was just making it worseon me because it was almost like
I didn't want to put off becausethat was her mother, I didn't
want to put off the pain I hadonto her while she already had
pain.
And then that made her rely onme more.
And when it hit me, like I'm atSam's, and I was like, oh my
(09:29):
gosh, she's dead.
And I was like, oh my god, likeI'm literally in Sam's, like, oh
my gosh, people look at me, Ican't cry, I can't cry.
I'm trying to keep it together,and I'm like, oh my god, I'm
losing our races, like trying toget it all together, and I'm
literally in Sam's breakingdown, and literally that was a
year after her passing.
SPEAKER_00 (09:46):
So it's like So do you ever notice how when we we
pour and so she said somethinggood, like how we pour and pour
into people, and I noticed thatwith my nephew, like I was
trying to be the strong one, butat the end of the day, I'm
always we always as women, wealways try to be the fixer.
But who's who's fixing who'swho's fixing us?
Who is fixing who's fixing usduring these these times of
(10:08):
who's fixing you?
Who was pouring into you as youwas pouring into everybody else?
SPEAKER_04 (10:14):
To be honest, it was people trying, but um we're
Leo's, we understand.
I didn't want to deal witheverything.
I didn't deal with it rightthen.
I wanted to deal with it when Iwanted to deal with it.
So you can ask me if I'm okay,and what do I always say?
Oh no, I'm good.
I'm okay with it.
I'm just I'm okay, I'm fine.
I'm not getting ready to tellyou.
(10:34):
I'm about to break down and justroll on the floor and take my
hair balls out and just crawlall over everywhere.
I'm not gonna tell you that.
I'm gonna be like, okay, youknow, because the way I look at
it is like you said, life islife, and I'm not gonna put what
I got going on to get because Idon't know what you're going
through.
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
You might be going through on something heavier
than I'm going through, and Ipile mine on top of you, and
it's like and I guesseverybody's different because
when I'm going through somethinglike give me something to take
my direction off of my trauma.
unknown (11:09):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (11:09):
But the thing is, it will for a second, for a moment,
right?
But then when you start to thinkabout, okay, well, she just told
me that her sister died, hergrandma died, her best friend,
her nephew, her great nephew,all of these people, and now
here it is my nephew passed.
Now I got to process my nephew'sdeath for you, is what I'm
(11:30):
saying.
You gotta process your nephew'sdeath, you gotta process my
grandma, my nep my best friend,my nephew, my grandnephew.
It's extra.
SPEAKER_03 (11:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (11:38):
You don't need all that.
You got to process what you'regoing through.
You got to be the support foryour family, you got to be here
for your husband, your kids.
I can't be in my mind like, ohdang, Bree stressed out about
me.
Yeah.
My stuff.
When reality is, we all justneed to be able to support each
other through it.
And sometimes supporting eachother through it is saying, hey,
(12:00):
I don't have the words.
I can't really uh put your stuffon me right now, but I can pray.
I can give it to God, and Icould be there to cry with you.
This is what I tell people.
I'll cry, I'll laugh.
Whatever you need to do.
You want me to just sit in aroom and look at you and cry,
I'll do that.
But sometimes it's just what youneed.
And even down to me, like Icould not go to work.
(12:22):
Like I had to continue to workthrough like my boss told me,
like, listen, no, don't come towork.
You just lost your sister, youjust lost these people, like
it's too much for you.
And I said, No, I need to work.
Because if I sit here too long,it's gonna, it's gonna be too
much for me.
So let me keep myself busy tokeep my mind off of it.
So when it's time for me to goto the funeral, go to the this,
(12:45):
go to the that, I could be therefor my family.
I don't have to, you know, andso the same.
I had to plan the two neck, mytwo nephews, I had to do their
whole funerals, I had to do mysister funeral, all of that,
right?
But hey, who else, nobody elseis strong enough to?
SPEAKER_02 (13:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (13:02):
And my faith in God was enough.
Like, yeah, I have my moments.
I have my moments.
The wind can blow wrong, I'd belike, oh man, I miss my sister.
I can see a little baby, and I'mlike, oh, that's my little
nephew.
I guess it's okay.
I have the moments, but I canprocess through them more with
being able to just say, you knowwhat, God, I still trust you.
(13:25):
And yeah, I I will acknowledge,no, I'm not alright in this
moment.
But I'm going to be just fine,but I can't give it to you to
try to help me be okay.
SPEAKER_00 (13:36):
Right.
Yeah.
Big sis.
This this is the big sister ofthe group.
Okay.
And when I say we are retired,means we don't get up and do
nothing in the morning.
Like I can always say, Oh, Iknow I could call Monique
(13:57):
because I know she ain'tworking.
You know, and Big Sis, let meask you, with um all that, you
know, that you go through,health issues that you go
through, husband.
I I noticed that you're alwaysthe one who's taking takes very
little, not that you don't takecare of yourself, but you always
(14:17):
are.
I gotta do this, my husbandthat.
How are you surviving witheverything that you have been
through, even with the death ofyour father, you take care of
mom, everybody takes share,share a little bit about how you
are surviving.
Prayer.
That seems to be prayer foreverybody.
(14:39):
You get prayer, you get prayer.
Okay, I feel like Oprah now.
Yeah, prayer is free.
SPEAKER_06 (14:46):
So with me, it's basically the same with all of
us.
You know, it's like you gotta bethat strong because I am the LD.
So it's like all of my siblingsare looking at me.
Even my mom is looking at me.
My husband looking at me.
(15:07):
You know what I'm saying?
So it's like I don't have timeto break down because I gotta
make sure, like they said,everybody else is straight.
I gotta make sure thesearrangements are done.
I gotta make sure their partner,be it spouse or whatever, is
straight.
You know what I'm saying?
So I get my I get my time.
(15:31):
You know, I sit and I pray.
And in my mind, I tell myselfthey're in a much better place.
They came here and now they'vegone back to love.
So they're in a place of love.
So that helps that helps calm myanxieties because I have a
problem with it anxiety.
(15:53):
You know, so me knowing thatthey're okay on the other side
gives me the strength to makesure everybody on this side is
good.
You understand what I mean?
So um it's a lot of prayer.
It's a lot of faith, and it's alot of trusting myself.
(16:14):
I have to trust myself that mymind is in the right place
because I can come.
I can come out of that quick,you know.
Being in the military and doingall the deployments and seeing
what I saw just messed me up.
You know, it's like when I wentin the military, I was that
(16:36):
calm, laid-back person.
You know, nobody believed I hadkids because I was still like,
you ain't got no kids.
I'm like, Yeah, I got three.
Why are you so laid back?
You know, you know, and I'mlike, because I don't worry
about anything.
It's like my faith was so strongto where I knew if this was a
bad, if Monday was a bad day,Tuesday was a better day.
(16:59):
That was my mentality until Igot into Uncle Sam's, you know
what I'm saying?
And saw the things and meld withthe people.
Because like I'm from New York,so it's like a melting pot.
There's different cultures andeverything, but it's a different
beast being in the military.
So it's like and thosedeployments just scattered me
(17:23):
all over the place.
So I lost my faith for a littlebit.
SPEAKER_00 (17:27):
Oh, we as we all we all fall short of that, yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (17:31):
I lost it because I went in to believe in one thing,
but then you showed me somethingelse.
So it's like I thought, you knowwhat I'm saying, that took me
out of who I was.
So I had to get me back.
SPEAKER_00 (17:47):
Right.
SPEAKER_06 (17:48):
So when me came back, then it was a little
easier for me to be there foreverybody.
Because like I have friendsstill from the military can call
me at the crack of dawn.
Girl, and if I'm sleeping,they'd be like, You see it?
Yeah.
Um okay, I'll call you back.
(18:08):
I said, You alright?
That's the first thing come outof my mouth.
Are you okay?
I said, I'm alright.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
No, are you okay?
Because evidently something mademe on your mind, you know what
I'm saying?
Cause you calling me at thistime of the day.
You know what I'm saying?
So I don't think of myself atfirst.
(18:28):
You know, it's like I put otherpeople ahead just to make sure
they're good.
So once they're good, then I'mokay.
Does that make sense?
It's like I'm calm becauseyou're okay.
And like when me and you talkand you going through your
things, I sit and I listen.
Sometimes I'll be like, okay,it's time for vacation.
SPEAKER_00 (18:51):
We need to and it is hard, it is hard.
Well, being everybody knows me.
I I'm that, you know, but I'velearned to, you know, not I
can't, and that's the wholething about prayers over your
fear and worship over yourworrying.
And I had to learn that I, youknow, even when Manny or other
(19:14):
sister her, you know, that'swhen I was into my thing and we
lost Eddie.
It was like, I want to fixeverything.
I want to fix it.
I want to fix it.
Wow, God.
So it's just like I am learningbecause we have all lost
somebody, each and every, it'slike, I didn't.
Who who taught us that when wewere growing up?
(19:35):
Nobody taught us about thestruggle.
Who said, Ashley, you're gonna,you're gonna walk into this this
struggle.
Here's how to get out.
Brenda, you're gonna walk intothe struggle.
This is how you get out.
Mo, this said you're gonna walkinto the struggle.
Nobody taught us that.
Nobody, hell, nobody even taughtme that.
My grandmother, who was the theglue and the backbone of our
(19:55):
family, who was when wassomebody gonna tell me that
people was gonna die that youlove?
You know, I think that's a wholebig thing too, as women, as we
share these stories.
And this is about uh building,building legacies, breaking,
breaking cycles, buildinglegacies, because I don't want
to keep repeating the same, samecycle.
(20:17):
You know, uh, we we were broughthere and taught a whole bunch of
things.
And it's like, okay, now why howdo I save that stress from my
children, my grandchildren?
I don't want a funeral, I don'twant one because I believe that
that is within itself thatlooking at the person in the
casket, lowering them down inthe ground.
(20:39):
Oh Lord, it's like it's too muchstress and anxiety.
And I feel when my mother saysshe she doesn't want any of that
either, just bury her becausenow I gotta look at you.
Now I gotta wish and and hope.
And and I just I rather I wouldrather teach my children, I
don't want my grandchildrengrieving me like that.
(21:01):
Like I want to remember,remember me as I was.
And that that's why now Iprepare, even then, there's no
prepared preparation for death.
It's it is none becausesomething happened abruptly, you
know, it didn't come out ofnowhere, and you're like, what
happened?
Now those I can understand, butI'm trying to like prepare my
(21:22):
grandchildren to even just say,hey, I'm not always gonna be
here.
You're gonna go through thingsin life, and this is how you get
out of them, you know.
And I think that's what we evenwhen situations happen that we
have no control over, even nowat 54, about to be 55.
(21:42):
Okay, okay, I am saying tomyself, Bree, you gotta pray
over these fears and really putaction and meaning behind the
words because I always oh, Godis in control.
God is in control, but thosewords started to become less and
less meaningful.
(22:03):
So now it's like, um we like youjust said, sometimes you fall
short, and it's like, okay, Ifell short, but God, okay.
How many times, and it's okay torevisit your failures and then
build off of those failures.
Okay, I fell back into thisdepression.
(22:25):
But I'm gonna put my prayersover this fear.
I'm gonna go ahead and worshipover this word because your
peace, your peace, you can'tcontrol peace.
You just can't do it.
You can't do it now.
All of us here have asignificant other, right?
SPEAKER_06 (22:47):
I'm gonna disagree with you about okay.
What I want to disagree with youon is the part about you telling
your grandkids you're gonna gothrough this, but this is how
you get through it.
You can't do that.
You don't think so?
SPEAKER_04 (23:07):
No, everybody.
Everybody's gonna be told.
The way I handled the loss of myfather is different than how she
handled the loss of her becausemaybe the relationships are
different, maybe the situation,how it happened was different.
And then our thought processesare different.
Me, I didn't want to think aboutit.
(23:28):
I didn't want to handle it atthe time.
So what I did was I I for Ibasically forced myself to just
throw it in the back of my head.
I was still literally, I would,you know, still text the phone
or whatever, because every nowand again we would text messages
or whatever case, but I wasstill doing the stuff that I
usually do in it because Ididn't want to do it.
(23:48):
So you can't really preparesomebody.
SPEAKER_00 (23:52):
Well, when I when I say when I say preparation, it's
just don't think that I, youknow, I'm gonna be here forever.
SPEAKER_06 (24:01):
Well, I get I get that.
But the best way for you to helpyour grandkids is to help them
build their strength, help thembuild their strength and help
them build their mentalityaround situations like that.
You can't say, well, this iswhat you do if this happened.
No, you have to make themstronger mentally.
Yes, so that when that situationdoes happen, they have the
(24:24):
mental capacity to sit back andsay, now what am I gonna do?
This is what's going on.
What am I gonna do to handlethis?
How am I gonna go forth withthat?
You know what I'm saying?
You have to give them strengthbecause nowadays these kids out
here are the weakest like kids.
SPEAKER_00 (24:41):
Hey guys, they they they built different.
Ain't that the terminology?
They built different, they fallapart, they built different.
So, what I mean so that's that'skind of what I mean about you
know, preparation, like guiding,teaching them like, hey, you
don't don't go and fall apartbecause I'm not here.
You know, we need to learn toteach and guide and well, to
(25:05):
teach God and direct all of ouryoung people, and then let God
be in control of the rest.
Because I want to, you know,teach them that, hey, you know,
what the I I see what you'resaying.
There's no way that you couldteach anybody to prepare for my
going, but this is what I wantyou to do.
The first of all, what happensin every household when the
(25:29):
strong person passes away?
What happened when the glue ofthe family per passes?
Everybody.
It's scattered.
So it's like that's the cycle Iwant to break.
That's the that's the cycle Iwant to stop because here we
are, you know, havingmillion-dollar properties, all
the stuff we have, now I'm goneand everything wanna fall apart,
(25:52):
and y'all gonna let it go.
And no, like, you know, no.
So I've seen it in too manyfamilies.
People pass away and the houseis given up.
SPEAKER_05 (26:01):
So the only thing I was saying is to teach them how
to manipulate throughout life ingeneral.
Teaching them how to manipulatethroughout life in general would
also be it will entail death,right?
Because that's a part of life.
We're here to we we're going tolive and to die, right?
Because that's just what it is.
(26:22):
Um, however, we just have toallow them the opportunity to
deal with it the way they wantto, because once we start
telling kids, because I wastaught the same thing, oh, you
gotta be strong, you can't cry,you can't do this.
Yeah, you know, it puts in ourmind like I can't, I can't
express my feelings.
I can't have these emotionsbecause if I do, it shows
(26:44):
weakness.
However, we need to be able toshow that so that we can get the
help that we need.
That's what the mental issuesare because that we got so much
distorted in our heads that wedon't have the outlet for it.
So we have to be able to releasethose things.
It's not saying that I have tobring it to you, but there's
(27:04):
professionals.
Yes, right.
Making sure they understand,hey, it's okay to go to
counseling.
Counseling is not saying thatyou're weak, it's not saying
that you're crazy, it's notsaying that you just whatever,
it's saying that, hey, Irealize, I recognize I need
help.
It's just like people that havealcohol issues, right?
Yeah, they go to these AAUmeetings or whatever, AAA
(27:25):
meetings because, hey, I realizeI have an issue and I don't want
this issue.
In order to get help, I have togo and sit with professionals
who can help me maneuver throughthat.
We may not, as parents, asgrandparents, as whatever
friends, family members, we maynot be able to help them
maneuver because we're familiar.
SPEAKER_02 (27:46):
Right?
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (27:46):
They're too familiar with us.
I can go and tell my kidssomething right now.
My 21-year-old daughter, I couldtell her, hey, the sky's blue
outside.
You should go out there andwatch it.
So beautiful.
Mommy, that's kind of not blue.
What are you talking about?
But you may be able to expressit to her a little bit different
(28:07):
and tell her something a littlebit different.
It kind of gets into her mind tosay, you know what, it is
beautiful.
It is, it is, but I'm I couldn'tget through, and that's okay.
That's why we have villages,right?
SPEAKER_00 (28:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (28:22):
Allow the village to be a part of that.
SPEAKER_00 (28:24):
And that that is a part of what I like to talk
about too in the black families.
In the black families, we werealways taught that you don't
need no strength, you don't needto go there.
What they teach us in themilitary.
If you ain't no pain, no gain.
No pain, no gain that you know,if you feel this pain, it means
you live in.
(28:44):
Get back out there, go on that35th deployment, you know.
So, yeah, we were we were taughta lot of things.
And as women, I women, um I Iand I hope my my male uh my male
viewers don't get mad, butwomen, we are the backbone.
We are the backbone.
SPEAKER_05 (29:05):
They have to do that because I mean mother was
created out of the real of man,so they have to know that you
can't live without your rib.
SPEAKER_00 (29:14):
It's it's we we not only are we mothers, we're we're
doctors, we're lawyers, we're shwe're psychologists, we're we're
judges.
We we the babysitters for thegrandkids, you know, and it's
like with all of this thingsthat that we have to take on as
(29:36):
women, it's like we need to knowit that first of all, we need to
go back to the basics,especially when we're talking
about today and today's time.
Okay, and that's what burn,breaking, and becoming
unstoppable is all about.
We have to burn through thetrauma of our past so we can
make a better future for ourchildren and breaking.
(30:00):
Those generational cycles, youknow, when it comes to deaths,
when it comes to marriage, whenit comes to raising your kids,
you know, uh that, and then wehave to teach them to how to
walk in their purpose, well, notteach them how to walk in their
purpose, but just to let peopleknow that, hey, you have a
purpose.
You have a purpose in this life,you know, um, and kind of, you
(30:25):
know, um, I know a lot of usare, you know, we're faith, you
know, I was taught so manyreligions growing up in my in my
childhood.
But what I know, what I try toteach now, I don't kind of Bible
beat the kids, but just to say,hey, even my grandkids to say
there is a higher power.
I know that I was on aninterview with another sister of
(30:46):
ours, and she, if y'all watch,she said that there was a man
who um his faith, he put hisfaith in a chair.
So we have to say, hey, havefaith in something.
Do you notice how the youngpeople to now they get so
defeated?
They first of all, they wanteverything right now.
Right now, and that's just notpossible.
(31:07):
So, you know, um you you I lookat some of the kids and be like,
who raised y'all?
You know, you see that the 70sbabies, the 80s babies, the 90s
babies, when you start to lookat these brains.
SPEAKER_05 (31:23):
Internet, social media, games, all of that.
We I mean, of course they're inthe house with us, but that's
what they pay the most attentionto.
SPEAKER_00 (31:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (31:30):
So yeah, we didn't have all of that.
SPEAKER_00 (31:32):
Well, we didn't.
SPEAKER_05 (31:33):
So we didn't have the the things that was
distracting us from what we hadto listen to, even if we didn't
always agree with what ourparents was doing or saying what
have you, we still didn't havesomething to kind of alter our
thinking process.
My kids, we could tell themsomething, they'd be like, Well,
hold up, I was on TikTok andthey said this, this a little
(31:54):
more.
SPEAKER_00 (31:54):
Yeah, oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_05 (31:56):
Okay, you know what I'm saying on chat GPT.
SPEAKER_00 (31:59):
Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_05 (32:01):
Oh, okay.
Okay, if that's what you want togo with, but and so I had to
start telling my husband whenthey come back with those mommy,
pop, y'all was right.
I said, don't even beat it downto them to say, I told you
because that's what my parentsdid, right?
Yeah, it was more so, you'reright, okay, you got it.
(32:23):
It was a lesson that you had tolearn.
Yeah, so I'm just here and Itell them this all the time,
babe.
We just here to wipe the tearswhen they come back.
SPEAKER_03 (32:31):
That's it.
SPEAKER_05 (32:31):
That's it.
And just and be thankful thatthey did come back.
Yeah, you know, because somekids they don't come back, you
know, they'll keep going off anddoing whatever they have to do.
But for me, I'm just open bookto my kids.
Like, and I tell them the samething, babe.
We have to be completelytransparent with them.
No matter if it's something thatwe're going through, we have to
(32:52):
let them know.
Because eventually, sometimes,some way uh down the line of
becoming an adult, they willexperience something, if not the
same, something similar.
So if we're not transparent andshow them what we go through,
because we ain't perfect,they're gonna think, oh well, I
(33:13):
don't have no example.
Because they always have perfectstuff going on.
No, we we fall short too.
SPEAKER_02 (33:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (33:23):
But that's that's where building strength with
your kids come from.
You have to, I didn't have theenergy.
I didn't have my parents, myfamily is from the South.
My mom's side is from SouthCarolina, my dad's side is from
Virginia.
So they're like Ichi and blackwood or whatever, and the Indian
(33:47):
side is there, and um, and thenmy dad's father is Peruvian.
He's a black Peruvian.
You know, they dropped him offin Peruvian, you know what I'm
saying?
So it's like I didn't have atime I didn't have examples of
weakness in front of me.
You know what I'm saying?
If something was going on, yousaw that strength behind, you
(34:12):
know, I I can't be able to.
That's how my grandparents were,that's how my parents were, you
know what I'm saying?
And it's like I didn't have anychoice but to be strong.
So when something goes on, it'slike I can't go.
I didn't this is what I did.
unknown (34:35):
Okay.
SPEAKER_06 (34:35):
God, I know you got me.
And then I take it from there.
You know what I'm saying?
Because I can tell you I can go,I can go.
But I have to remember who I am.
I didn't come up like my parentsdidn't teach me to fall apart.
They taught me to fight.
You know what I'm saying?
Physically and mentally.
So but like I said, sometimesyou gotta break down the build
(34:58):
back up.
SPEAKER_02 (34:59):
Yes.
SPEAKER_06 (35:00):
Yes.
SPEAKER_04 (35:01):
I'ma look different because my situation, um of
course, I don't know, y'all.
But my situation's a littledifferent.
I'm not gonna get along with it.
But my when I was two, my fatherkilled my mother.
So my aunt had to raise me.
So I didn't have that direct.
My mother taught me this, mymother taught me that.
(35:21):
I didn't have that.
But I had my sister, and then Ihad her friends, and then I had
cousins and all that.
I was just literally whoever wasolder than me and was around,
those are the lessons I got.
Or either I learned on my own.
So what I do now is try to breakthat cycle with my children.
Like my daughter now, if I callher down here, she'll say it.
(35:42):
The one thing, if we ifsomething's going wrong or
whatever, we she know I'm alwayssaying, I'm gonna figure it out.
It's gonna be okay.
Fire yo.
Fire.
I ain't gonna figure it out.
She already knows.
We in the car, I'm like, oh mygod, I didn't get, or I don't
have to move this.
And she uh she be on her tablet.
Mommy, you're gonna figure itout.
Yeah, because she knows that'swhat I'm always like boom, both
(36:03):
of them know there's never atime where I I don't want to
ever teach them defeat because Isaw that so much when I was
younger with a lot of differentthings, whether it was with
whoever maybe my I I still callmy aunt, my mom, whoever.
She was where I saw defeatingthat.
And I never allow my children tosee that with me.
Like I went through a aliterally a whole domestic
(36:26):
violence relationship, and myson couldn't tell you nothing
about it.
I never allowed him to see anyof that.
He the only thing he could tellyou is I couldn't stand him.
That's the only thing he toldyou.
He couldn't tell you anythingelse because there was never a
time I ever want them to seedefeat.
I want them to always know wherethere's a will, there's a way.
(36:48):
And then of course we we stillwe pray together, we all of
that.
And then going back to the howyou said preparing them.
I was never taught to beprepared for like when people
die.
I guess that's why I handle itthe way I do.
But I always tell my kids, youknow what, I might not always be
here, but I will always be hereand here.
You always have memories of me,you always have the stuff that I
(37:10):
said, and I will forever be inyour heart.
We are we are a part of eachother.
So I might not physically bewhere you can see me, but you
will always, always remembereither something I said, did,
sung, or whatever the case.
That's how I feel like I preparemy kids because literally I just
keep little small things.
If I just go in my son's room,did you know such and such and
(37:32):
such?
Well, listen, if that happenedto you, you better like I'm you
know what I'm saying?
Like when it's dorning, I cancatch myself on his bed talking
to him, he'd be back there likebut crazy thing is he'll go
through a situation and he'llcome in my room.
Like, oh Lord, what he's like,Ma, remember when I wasn't
listening to you when you camein my room and you tell me I
(37:53):
need to say, Guess what happenedto me?
I was like, Oh, so mom does knowsomething, huh?
Okay, I'm just saying.
But it is it's crazy because youthink they not listening, but
they date.
SPEAKER_00 (38:04):
They do they do listen.
They do listen.
SPEAKER_04 (38:07):
They they don't do it how to tell them, but they
form their own way, which Ithink is good.
Yeah, because they gotta learnon their own.
But again, we're not alwaysgonna be here, but I that's how
I'm trying to for them to beable to at least figure out how
to do it on their own if thatsituation had an accident.
SPEAKER_00 (38:27):
Right.
And and I agree with all ofthat.
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (38:32):
And I told my students, like that's a big
thing for me.
A lot of times it made meoverwhelmed because I can't be a
little bit, yeah, I don't knowhow we can be.
SPEAKER_00 (38:40):
Y'all know how I can be.
I'm the Scorpio.
I don't even I'm not even intotime.
Uh I'm not even into to uhwhat's the Zodiac times, but I
do believe in it.
So thank you, ladies, for um coming and
sitting in and having thisconversation with me and my
audience.
And I want to talk about how aswomen we were taught to survive,
but we wasn't taught how tosurvive after the struggle.
Okay, and many of us, um many ofus have grown up with uh in
(00:27):
certain uh households andcertain traumas.
Even today, you know, we we gothrough some struggles.
We're all here, we're allretired veterans.
Uh but my my sister right here,but you are still the wife of a
veteran.
Um you know what it's like whenyou've seen your husband go
through some things.
(00:47):
So I just want to kind of askwhat, because we're walking,
we're walking into our becoming,right?
We can come from the making tothe becoming.
So I just want to talk a littlebit about how we have gotten to
where we are today as women whoare business owners.
We're all business owners here.
(01:08):
And uh, like I said, themilitary.
So what do you think is uh someof the lessons that life has
taught you?
What is life have what has lifetaught you?
What is life teaching you?
And how are you surviving today?
I'm gonna start over here.
I'm gonna start with the lovelyMiss Brenda.
SPEAKER_05 (01:30):
Um, so first of all, thank you for having me, Shaw.
Um, it is such a pleasure to bea part of what you have started
to do because a lot of us reallyneed this, right?
Um, so what started me or whathas motivated me throughout this
whole journey of life is reallyjust trusting God, trusting God
(01:52):
um and going into things scared,right?
SPEAKER_03 (01:55):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (01:56):
So because we're sometimes talk ourselves out of
things because we are scared.
unknown (02:00):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (02:01):
If you go into it scared with faith, you can't
fail.
Because God is in control of it,right?
SPEAKER_00 (02:07):
Yes, okay.
SPEAKER_05 (02:09):
That is that's that's the that's it.
Yeah, it's it.
SPEAKER_00 (02:14):
That is I like what you say because we just talked
about this yesterday.
Now, mind you, these are all mysisters, okay?
These are all my sisters.
I think she the baby, but um weare you are you the baby?
Oh one of the babies, oh thebaby.
But you know, sometimes we howwe always say life be life and
(02:35):
life be life and we don't eventalk, baby, what, a month?
A month?
I talk, I gotta talk to herevery day.
I gotta talk to her every day.
She's oh Jesus.
This is the Miss Ashley Brown,she's the behind the scenes
person, but we all we sometimeswe go what a month?
May I I don't think we go amonth over.
(02:56):
Do we go over a month oftalking?
We have okay, a month and ahalf.
I don't think I let her go overa month and a half, but we
always say, man, life be life,and we go through our things,
and then we come back togetherand we're you're sharing our
stories, picking up the pieces,and then we share how we get
through this.
And one of the things we werejust talking about yesterday is
(03:18):
how our pre how to pray over ourfear and to put the worship over
our worrying.
So um uh I know that we werejust talking yesterday, Brenda,
and you were telling us how youhave been not not not have you
arrived at your peace, but howyou're protecting your peace,
(03:40):
how you go through being strongafter losing how many?
Five five family members in aspan of what one month?
One year, yeah.
One year.
And it's hard.
Uh explain a little bit how youwere saying how it's hard when
people call and you know and askyou those questions, are you
(04:00):
okay or whatever?
SPEAKER_05 (04:02):
Yeah, so um throughout the journey, like it
started with my best friend andthen my grandmother, my sister,
my nephew, and then my greatnephew.
And throughout that wholeprocess, of course, you know,
the first initial was my bestfriend, and it was like easy to
receive, right?
Because I'm like, yeah, I neededthe support, whatever, whatever.
(04:23):
Then it comes to my grandmother,and I'm like, okay, now you're
just calling me like threemonths later to say the same
thing.
And it became numb.
I became numb to it.
And I it was to the point wherepeople call and they're like, I
don't know what to say.
And I'm like, I understand itbecause I don't know what to
tell you to say, because Iwouldn't know what to say to
you, right?
(04:44):
Because it's not a typical thingto happen to people, right?
Right.
It's not really normal to havethat many deaths back to back to
back, you know, grieving.
You you don't have time togrieve one person before you're
grieving the next.
So it's it was just like to thepoint where I say, you know
what, I have to be okay withGod's decision.
SPEAKER_02 (05:05):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (05:06):
Because He's in control of everything.
He knew from the day that wewere swarmed into our parents'
belly, our mother's belly thatwe will be born on whatever day,
and he knew the day that wewould die.
SPEAKER_02 (05:17):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (05:18):
And so that was my reality check.
Like, it's okay to not be okay.
And that's what I would tellpeople.
Like, I'm not okay.
But if I'm shutting down, if Idon't call, if I don't answer,
it's just because I have to dealwith it in my own time.
And I can't I can't allow myselfto apply my burdens, my grief
(05:39):
onto you.
You've got life going on, youknow.
So if I know that you have lifegoing on, you may be going
through something too.
So I can't just say, hey, here,take this and beat you down with
it, right?
Because it's too heavy for you.
So I have to go through myprocess and trust God that He's
gonna get me through it.
SPEAKER_00 (05:58):
And I'd say, I I I think that's the same for me.
I I'm close to you all.
So you know I will call and belike, you know, I I'm a little
different.
Now, everybody is different intheir trauma.
Some people want to be justquiet.
And from what I noticed, most ofyou, y'all get quiet.
I'm okay.
And you know, and it's like,okay, well, you know, I know
(06:20):
that they will reach out if theyneed or want to talk.
But for me, y'all already knowit get quiet, call Brie, because
she she probably about to jumpoff somebody's first step, you
know.
SPEAKER_05 (06:33):
So this is the first thing.
SPEAKER_00 (06:36):
Yeah, because some people believe silence is a
healing mechanism.
Now, for me, I always teachpeople that you know, don't
listen to yourself because intrauma, when we get in trauma,
we we tend to listen at our, Ishould have done this better,
you know, I could have mademaybe I should have done it this
way, or maybe if I was there,this wouldn't have happened, or
(06:58):
maybe we, you know, all theanxiety things that we think in
our head.
And the truth is that I justagain have to re-uh, what's the
word I'm looking for?
Re-assure myself is that thatwork control.
God is in control.
But we always want to controlthe situation and pray to God.
(07:23):
Say, God, you're in control, andthen we go out there, we're
trying to fix everything.
So, you know, what are somethings, some things, Ash, that
maybe you find yourself tryingto control, and then you just
said, you know, I'm gonna justgive it to God.
I can't do this no more.
As being a single mom, I mean,you have so much.
SPEAKER_04 (07:42):
Almost everything, really.
Um, like I guess we could stayon the topic, like losing
people.
So, I mean, I like like when mystepdad passed, I'm like, okay,
everybody else is cryinghurting.
I thought I gotta, I gotta bethe strong one.
I gotta go help my mom to getthe arrangements, I gotta
distance that.
So I'm the only one at thefuneral checking on everybody
(08:03):
else.
It wasn't about me.
I'm making sure everybody'sgood.
I'm making sure the the lineupis right.
I'm like, nope, we forgot aboutuh my auntie.
She ain't in the line.
Hold on, we're not walking inyet.
She's on her way, she's still onthe highway.
We gonna stand out here andwait.
So I'm told the funeraldirector, I'm like, You good?
Play some music.
She's on her way, she'll be herein a minute.
So it's like it takes me aminute to, I know it takes me a
(08:24):
minute to process things likethat because I'm too busy making
sure that everybody else isgood.
And literally, I don't think Ifully processed his death until
maybe like a year later, likethe anniversary.
And it hit me because it wasjust me at home.
The kids were at school.
I was like, he literally died ayear ago.
(08:46):
And it just like, it it's almostlike it had just happened.
It just hit me.
I'm like, oh my god, I gottadeal with this.
And then fast forward to my goodfriend Keisha, her mother
passed, and I'm like, I can'tcry because she's crying.
So I have to get it together.
I gotta get strong, I gotta makesure this, this, and that.
So I'm over there helping herget all the arrangements.
She's breaking down, and I'mlike, you better cry, you better
(09:07):
not cry.
I'm like literally talkingmyself in my head, not knowing
that it was just making it worseon me because it was almost like
I didn't want to put off becausethat was her mother, I didn't
want to put off the pain I hadonto her while she already had
pain.
And then that made her rely onme more.
And when it hit me, like I'm atSam's, and I was like, oh my
(09:29):
gosh, she's dead.
And I was like, oh my god, likeI'm literally in Sam's, like, oh
my gosh, people look at me, Ican't cry, I can't cry.
I'm trying to keep it together,and I'm like, oh my god, I'm
losing our races, like trying toget it all together, and I'm
literally in Sam's breakingdown, and literally that was a
year after her passing.
SPEAKER_00 (09:46):
So it's like So do you ever notice how when we we
pour and so she said somethinggood, like how we pour and pour
into people, and I noticed thatwith my nephew, like I was
trying to be the strong one, butat the end of the day, I'm
always we always as women, wealways try to be the fixer.
But who's who's fixing who'swho's fixing us?
Who is fixing who's fixing usduring these these times of
(10:08):
who's fixing you?
Who was pouring into you as youwas pouring into everybody else?
SPEAKER_04 (10:14):
To be honest, it was people trying, but um we're
Leo's, we understand.
I didn't want to deal witheverything.
I didn't deal with it rightthen.
I wanted to deal with it when Iwanted to deal with it.
So you can ask me if I'm okay,and what do I always say?
Oh no, I'm good.
I'm okay with it.
I'm just I'm okay, I'm fine.
I'm not getting ready to tellyou.
(10:34):
I'm about to break down and justroll on the floor and take my
hair balls out and just crawlall over everywhere.
I'm not gonna tell you that.
I'm gonna be like, okay, youknow, because the way I look at
it is like you said, life islife, and I'm not gonna put what
I got going on to get because Idon't know what you're going
through.
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
You might be going through on something heavier
than I'm going through, and Ipile mine on top of you, and
it's like and I guesseverybody's different because
when I'm going through somethinglike give me something to take
my direction off of my trauma.
unknown (11:09):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (11:09):
But the thing is, it will for a second, for a moment,
right?
But then when you start to thinkabout, okay, well, she just told
me that her sister died, hergrandma died, her best friend,
her nephew, her great nephew,all of these people, and now
here it is my nephew passed.
Now I got to process my nephew'sdeath for you, is what I'm
(11:30):
saying.
You gotta process your nephew'sdeath, you gotta process my
grandma, my nep my best friend,my nephew, my grandnephew.
It's extra.
SPEAKER_03 (11:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (11:38):
You don't need all that.
You got to process what you'regoing through.
You got to be the support foryour family, you got to be here
for your husband, your kids.
I can't be in my mind like, ohdang, Bree stressed out about
me.
Yeah.
My stuff.
When reality is, we all justneed to be able to support each
other through it.
And sometimes supporting eachother through it is saying, hey,
(12:00):
I don't have the words.
I can't really uh put your stuffon me right now, but I can pray.
I can give it to God, and Icould be there to cry with you.
This is what I tell people.
I'll cry, I'll laugh.
Whatever you need to do.
You want me to just sit in aroom and look at you and cry,
I'll do that.
But sometimes it's just what youneed.
And even down to me, like Icould not go to work.
(12:22):
Like I had to continue to workthrough like my boss told me,
like, listen, no, don't come towork.
You just lost your sister, youjust lost these people, like
it's too much for you.
And I said, No, I need to work.
Because if I sit here too long,it's gonna, it's gonna be too
much for me.
So let me keep myself busy tokeep my mind off of it.
So when it's time for me to goto the funeral, go to the this,
(12:45):
go to the that, I could be therefor my family.
I don't have to, you know, andso the same.
I had to plan the two neck, mytwo nephews, I had to do their
whole funerals, I had to do mysister funeral, all of that,
right?
But hey, who else, nobody elseis strong enough to?
SPEAKER_02 (13:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (13:02):
And my faith in God was enough.
Like, yeah, I have my moments.
I have my moments.
The wind can blow wrong, I'd belike, oh man, I miss my sister.
I can see a little baby, and I'mlike, oh, that's my little
nephew.
I guess it's okay.
I have the moments, but I canprocess through them more with
being able to just say, you knowwhat, God, I still trust you.
(13:25):
And yeah, I I will acknowledge,no, I'm not alright in this
moment.
But I'm going to be just fine,but I can't give it to you to
try to help me be okay.
SPEAKER_00 (13:36):
Right.
Yeah.
Big sis.
This this is the big sister ofthe group.
Okay.
And when I say we are retired,means we don't get up and do
nothing in the morning.
Like I can always say, Oh, Iknow I could call Monique
(13:57):
because I know she ain'tworking.
You know, and Big Sis, let meask you, with um all that, you
know, that you go through,health issues that you go
through, husband.
I I noticed that you're alwaysthe one who's taking takes very
little, not that you don't takecare of yourself, but you always
(14:17):
are.
I gotta do this, my husbandthat.
How are you surviving witheverything that you have been
through, even with the death ofyour father, you take care of
mom, everybody takes share,share a little bit about how you
are surviving.
Prayer.
That seems to be prayer foreverybody.
(14:39):
You get prayer, you get prayer.
Okay, I feel like Oprah now.
Yeah, prayer is free.
SPEAKER_06 (14:46):
So with me, it's basically the same with all of
us.
You know, it's like you gotta bethat strong because I am the LD.
So it's like all of my siblingsare looking at me.
Even my mom is looking at me.
My husband looking at me.
(15:07):
You know what I'm saying?
So it's like I don't have timeto break down because I gotta
make sure, like they said,everybody else is straight.
I gotta make sure thesearrangements are done.
I gotta make sure their partner,be it spouse or whatever, is
straight.
You know what I'm saying?
So I get my I get my time.
(15:31):
You know, I sit and I pray.
And in my mind, I tell myselfthey're in a much better place.
They came here and now they'vegone back to love.
So they're in a place of love.
So that helps that helps calm myanxieties because I have a
problem with it anxiety.
(15:53):
You know, so me knowing thatthey're okay on the other side
gives me the strength to makesure everybody on this side is
good.
You understand what I mean?
So um it's a lot of prayer.
It's a lot of faith, and it's alot of trusting myself.
(16:14):
I have to trust myself that mymind is in the right place
because I can come.
I can come out of that quick,you know.
Being in the military and doingall the deployments and seeing
what I saw just messed me up.
You know, it's like when I wentin the military, I was that
(16:36):
calm, laid-back person.
You know, nobody believed I hadkids because I was still like,
you ain't got no kids.
I'm like, Yeah, I got three.
Why are you so laid back?
You know, you know, and I'mlike, because I don't worry
about anything.
It's like my faith was so strongto where I knew if this was a
bad, if Monday was a bad day,Tuesday was a better day.
(16:59):
That was my mentality until Igot into Uncle Sam's, you know
what I'm saying?
And saw the things and meld withthe people.
Because like I'm from New York,so it's like a melting pot.
There's different cultures andeverything, but it's a different
beast being in the military.
So it's like and thosedeployments just scattered me
(17:23):
all over the place.
So I lost my faith for a littlebit.
SPEAKER_00 (17:27):
Oh, we as we all we all fall short of that, yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (17:31):
I lost it because I went in to believe in one thing,
but then you showed me somethingelse.
So it's like I thought, you knowwhat I'm saying, that took me
out of who I was.
So I had to get me back.
SPEAKER_00 (17:47):
Right.
SPEAKER_06 (17:48):
So when me came back, then it was a little
easier for me to be there foreverybody.
Because like I have friendsstill from the military can call
me at the crack of dawn.
Girl, and if I'm sleeping,they'd be like, You see it?
Yeah.
Um okay, I'll call you back.
(18:08):
I said, You alright?
That's the first thing come outof my mouth.
Are you okay?
I said, I'm alright.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
No, are you okay?
Because evidently something mademe on your mind, you know what
I'm saying?
Cause you calling me at thistime of the day.
You know what I'm saying?
So I don't think of myself atfirst.
(18:28):
You know, it's like I put otherpeople ahead just to make sure
they're good.
So once they're good, then I'mokay.
Does that make sense?
It's like I'm calm becauseyou're okay.
And like when me and you talkand you going through your
things, I sit and I listen.
Sometimes I'll be like, okay,it's time for vacation.
SPEAKER_00 (18:51):
We need to and it is hard, it is hard.
Well, being everybody knows me.
I I'm that, you know, but I'velearned to, you know, not I
can't, and that's the wholething about prayers over your
fear and worship over yourworrying.
And I had to learn that I, youknow, even when Manny or other
(19:14):
sister her, you know, that'swhen I was into my thing and we
lost Eddie.
It was like, I want to fixeverything.
I want to fix it.
I want to fix it.
Wow, God.
So it's just like I am learningbecause we have all lost
somebody, each and every, it'slike, I didn't.
Who who taught us that when wewere growing up?
(19:35):
Nobody taught us about thestruggle.
Who said, Ashley, you're gonna,you're gonna walk into this this
struggle.
Here's how to get out.
Brenda, you're gonna walk intothe struggle.
This is how you get out.
Mo, this said you're gonna walkinto the struggle.
Nobody taught us that.
Nobody, hell, nobody even taughtme that.
My grandmother, who was the theglue and the backbone of our
(19:55):
family, who was when wassomebody gonna tell me that
people was gonna die that youlove?
You know, I think that's a wholebig thing too, as women, as we
share these stories.
And this is about uh building,building legacies, breaking,
breaking cycles, buildinglegacies, because I don't want
to keep repeating the same, samecycle.
(20:17):
You know, uh, we we were broughthere and taught a whole bunch of
things.
And it's like, okay, now why howdo I save that stress from my
children, my grandchildren?
I don't want a funeral, I don'twant one because I believe that
that is within itself thatlooking at the person in the
casket, lowering them down inthe ground.
(20:39):
Oh Lord, it's like it's too muchstress and anxiety.
And I feel when my mother saysshe she doesn't want any of that
either, just bury her becausenow I gotta look at you.
Now I gotta wish and and hope.
And and I just I rather I wouldrather teach my children, I
don't want my grandchildrengrieving me like that.
(21:01):
Like I want to remember,remember me as I was.
And that that's why now Iprepare, even then, there's no
prepared preparation for death.
It's it is none becausesomething happened abruptly, you
know, it didn't come out ofnowhere, and you're like, what
happened?
Now those I can understand, butI'm trying to like prepare my
(21:22):
grandchildren to even just say,hey, I'm not always gonna be
here.
You're gonna go through thingsin life, and this is how you get
out of them, you know.
And I think that's what we evenwhen situations happen that we
have no control over, even nowat 54, about to be 55.
(21:42):
Okay, okay, I am saying tomyself, Bree, you gotta pray
over these fears and really putaction and meaning behind the
words because I always oh, Godis in control.
God is in control, but thosewords started to become less and
less meaningful.
(22:03):
So now it's like, um we like youjust said, sometimes you fall
short, and it's like, okay, Ifell short, but God, okay.
How many times, and it's okay torevisit your failures and then
build off of those failures.
Okay, I fell back into thisdepression.
(22:25):
But I'm gonna put my prayersover this fear.
I'm gonna go ahead and worshipover this word because your
peace, your peace, you can'tcontrol peace.
You just can't do it.
You can't do it now.
All of us here have asignificant other, right?
SPEAKER_06 (22:47):
I'm gonna disagree with you about okay.
What I want to disagree with youon is the part about you telling
your grandkids you're gonna gothrough this, but this is how
you get through it.
You can't do that.
You don't think so?
SPEAKER_04 (23:07):
No, everybody.
Everybody's gonna be told.
The way I handled the loss of myfather is different than how she
handled the loss of her becausemaybe the relationships are
different, maybe the situation,how it happened was different.
And then our thought processesare different.
Me, I didn't want to think aboutit.
(23:28):
I didn't want to handle it atthe time.
So what I did was I I for Ibasically forced myself to just
throw it in the back of my head.
I was still literally, I would,you know, still text the phone
or whatever, because every nowand again we would text messages
or whatever case, but I wasstill doing the stuff that I
usually do in it because Ididn't want to do it.
(23:48):
So you can't really preparesomebody.
SPEAKER_00 (23:52):
Well, when I when I say when I say preparation, it's
just don't think that I, youknow, I'm gonna be here forever.
SPEAKER_06 (24:01):
Well, I get I get that.
But the best way for you to helpyour grandkids is to help them
build their strength, help thembuild their strength and help
them build their mentalityaround situations like that.
You can't say, well, this iswhat you do if this happened.
No, you have to make themstronger mentally.
Yes, so that when that situationdoes happen, they have the
(24:24):
mental capacity to sit back andsay, now what am I gonna do?
This is what's going on.
What am I gonna do to handlethis?
How am I gonna go forth withthat?
You know what I'm saying?
You have to give them strengthbecause nowadays these kids out
here are the weakest like kids.
SPEAKER_00 (24:41):
Hey guys, they they they built different.
Ain't that the terminology?
They built different, they fallapart, they built different.
So, what I mean so that's that'skind of what I mean about you
know, preparation, like guiding,teaching them like, hey, you
don't don't go and fall apartbecause I'm not here.
You know, we need to learn toteach and guide and well, to
(25:05):
teach God and direct all of ouryoung people, and then let God
be in control of the rest.
Because I want to, you know,teach them that, hey, you know,
what the I I see what you'resaying.
There's no way that you couldteach anybody to prepare for my
going, but this is what I wantyou to do.
The first of all, what happensin every household when the
(25:29):
strong person passes away?
What happened when the glue ofthe family per passes?
Everybody.
It's scattered.
So it's like that's the cycle Iwant to break.
That's the that's the cycle Iwant to stop because here we
are, you know, havingmillion-dollar properties, all
the stuff we have, now I'm goneand everything wanna fall apart,
(25:52):
and y'all gonna let it go.
And no, like, you know, no.
So I've seen it in too manyfamilies.
People pass away and the houseis given up.
SPEAKER_05 (26:01):
So the only thing I was saying is to teach them how
to manipulate throughout life ingeneral.
Teaching them how to manipulatethroughout life in general would
also be it will entail death,right?
Because that's a part of life.
We're here to we we're going tolive and to die, right?
Because that's just what it is.
(26:22):
Um, however, we just have toallow them the opportunity to
deal with it the way they wantto, because once we start
telling kids, because I wastaught the same thing, oh, you
gotta be strong, you can't cry,you can't do this.
Yeah, you know, it puts in ourmind like I can't, I can't
express my feelings.
I can't have these emotionsbecause if I do, it shows
(26:44):
weakness.
However, we need to be able toshow that so that we can get the
help that we need.
That's what the mental issuesare because that we got so much
distorted in our heads that wedon't have the outlet for it.
So we have to be able to releasethose things.
It's not saying that I have tobring it to you, but there's
(27:04):
professionals.
Yes, right.
Making sure they understand,hey, it's okay to go to
counseling.
Counseling is not saying thatyou're weak, it's not saying
that you're crazy, it's notsaying that you just whatever,
it's saying that, hey, Irealize, I recognize I need
help.
It's just like people that havealcohol issues, right?
Yeah, they go to these AAUmeetings or whatever, AAA
(27:25):
meetings because, hey, I realizeI have an issue and I don't want
this issue.
In order to get help, I have togo and sit with professionals
who can help me maneuver throughthat.
We may not, as parents, asgrandparents, as whatever
friends, family members, we maynot be able to help them
maneuver because we're familiar.
SPEAKER_02 (27:46):
Right?
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (27:46):
They're too familiar with us.
I can go and tell my kidssomething right now.
My 21-year-old daughter, I couldtell her, hey, the sky's blue
outside.
You should go out there andwatch it.
So beautiful.
Mommy, that's kind of not blue.
What are you talking about?
But you may be able to expressit to her a little bit different
(28:07):
and tell her something a littlebit different.
It kind of gets into her mind tosay, you know what, it is
beautiful.
It is, it is, but I'm I couldn'tget through, and that's okay.
That's why we have villages,right?
SPEAKER_00 (28:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (28:22):
Allow the village to be a part of that.
SPEAKER_00 (28:24):
And that that is a part of what I like to talk
about too in the black families.
In the black families, we werealways taught that you don't
need no strength, you don't needto go there.
What they teach us in themilitary.
If you ain't no pain, no gain.
No pain, no gain that you know,if you feel this pain, it means
you live in.
(28:44):
Get back out there, go on that35th deployment, you know.
So, yeah, we were we were taughta lot of things.
And as women, I women, um I Iand I hope my my male uh my male
viewers don't get mad, butwomen, we are the backbone.
We are the backbone.
SPEAKER_05 (29:05):
They have to do that because I mean mother was
created out of the real of man,so they have to know that you
can't live without your rib.
SPEAKER_00 (29:14):
It's it's we we not only are we mothers, we're we're
doctors, we're lawyers, we're shwe're psychologists, we're we're
judges.
We we the babysitters for thegrandkids, you know, and it's
like with all of this thingsthat that we have to take on as
(29:36):
women, it's like we need to knowit that first of all, we need to
go back to the basics,especially when we're talking
about today and today's time.
Okay, and that's what burn,breaking, and becoming
unstoppable is all about.
We have to burn through thetrauma of our past so we can
make a better future for ourchildren and breaking.
(30:00):
Those generational cycles, youknow, when it comes to deaths,
when it comes to marriage, whenit comes to raising your kids,
you know, uh that, and then wehave to teach them to how to
walk in their purpose, well, notteach them how to walk in their
purpose, but just to let peopleknow that, hey, you have a
purpose.
You have a purpose in this life,you know, um, and kind of, you
(30:25):
know, um, I know a lot of usare, you know, we're faith, you
know, I was taught so manyreligions growing up in my in my
childhood.
But what I know, what I try toteach now, I don't kind of Bible
beat the kids, but just to say,hey, even my grandkids to say
there is a higher power.
I know that I was on aninterview with another sister of
(30:46):
ours, and she, if y'all watch,she said that there was a man
who um his faith, he put hisfaith in a chair.
So we have to say, hey, havefaith in something.
Do you notice how the youngpeople to now they get so
defeated?
They first of all, they wanteverything right now.
Right now, and that's just notpossible.
(31:07):
So, you know, um you you I lookat some of the kids and be like,
who raised y'all?
You know, you see that the 70sbabies, the 80s babies, the 90s
babies, when you start to lookat these brains.
SPEAKER_05 (31:23):
Internet, social media, games, all of that.
We I mean, of course they're inthe house with us, but that's
what they pay the most attentionto.
SPEAKER_00 (31:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (31:30):
So yeah, we didn't have all of that.
SPEAKER_00 (31:32):
Well, we didn't.
SPEAKER_05 (31:33):
So we didn't have the the things that was
distracting us from what we hadto listen to, even if we didn't
always agree with what ourparents was doing or saying what
have you, we still didn't havesomething to kind of alter our
thinking process.
My kids, we could tell themsomething, they'd be like, Well,
hold up, I was on TikTok andthey said this, this a little
(31:54):
more.
SPEAKER_00 (31:54):
Yeah, oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_05 (31:56):
Okay, you know what I'm saying on chat GPT.
SPEAKER_00 (31:59):
Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_05 (32:01):
Oh, okay.
Okay, if that's what you want togo with, but and so I had to
start telling my husband whenthey come back with those mommy,
pop, y'all was right.
I said, don't even beat it downto them to say, I told you
because that's what my parentsdid, right?
Yeah, it was more so, you'reright, okay, you got it.
(32:23):
It was a lesson that you had tolearn.
Yeah, so I'm just here and Itell them this all the time,
babe.
We just here to wipe the tearswhen they come back.
SPEAKER_03 (32:31):
That's it.
SPEAKER_05 (32:31):
That's it.
And just and be thankful thatthey did come back.
Yeah, you know, because somekids they don't come back, you
know, they'll keep going off anddoing whatever they have to do.
But for me, I'm just open bookto my kids.
Like, and I tell them the samething, babe.
We have to be completelytransparent with them.
No matter if it's something thatwe're going through, we have to
(32:52):
let them know.
Because eventually, sometimes,some way uh down the line of
becoming an adult, they willexperience something, if not the
same, something similar.
So if we're not transparent andshow them what we go through,
because we ain't perfect,they're gonna think, oh well, I
(33:13):
don't have no example.
Because they always have perfectstuff going on.
No, we we fall short too.
SPEAKER_02 (33:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (33:23):
But that's that's where building strength with
your kids come from.
You have to, I didn't have theenergy.
I didn't have my parents, myfamily is from the South.
My mom's side is from SouthCarolina, my dad's side is from
Virginia.
So they're like Ichi and blackwood or whatever, and the Indian
(33:47):
side is there, and um, and thenmy dad's father is Peruvian.
He's a black Peruvian.
You know, they dropped him offin Peruvian, you know what I'm
saying?
So it's like I didn't have atime I didn't have examples of
weakness in front of me.
You know what I'm saying?
If something was going on, yousaw that strength behind, you
(34:12):
know, I I can't be able to.
That's how my grandparents were,that's how my parents were, you
know what I'm saying?
And it's like I didn't have anychoice but to be strong.
So when something goes on, it'slike I can't go.
I didn't this is what I did.
unknown (34:35):
Okay.
SPEAKER_06 (34:35):
God, I know you got me.
And then I take it from there.
You know what I'm saying?
Because I can tell you I can go,I can go.
But I have to remember who I am.
I didn't come up like my parentsdidn't teach me to fall apart.
They taught me to fight.
You know what I'm saying?
Physically and mentally.
So but like I said, sometimesyou gotta break down the build
(34:58):
back up.
SPEAKER_02 (34:59):
Yes.
SPEAKER_06 (35:00):
Yes.
SPEAKER_04 (35:01):
I'ma look different because my situation, um of
course, I don't know, y'all.
But my situation's a littledifferent.
I'm not gonna get along with it.
But my when I was two, my fatherkilled my mother.
So my aunt had to raise me.
So I didn't have that direct.
My mother taught me this, mymother taught me that.
(35:21):
I didn't have that.
But I had my sister, and then Ihad her friends, and then I had
cousins and all that.
I was just literally whoever wasolder than me and was around,
those are the lessons I got.
Or either I learned on my own.
So what I do now is try to breakthat cycle with my children.
Like my daughter now, if I callher down here, she'll say it.
(35:42):
The one thing, if we ifsomething's going wrong or
whatever, we she know I'm alwayssaying, I'm gonna figure it out.
It's gonna be okay.
Fire yo.
Fire.
I ain't gonna figure it out.
She already knows.
We in the car, I'm like, oh mygod, I didn't get, or I don't
have to move this.
And she uh she be on her tablet.
Mommy, you're gonna figure itout.
Yeah, because she knows that'swhat I'm always like boom, both
(36:03):
of them know there's never atime where I I don't want to
ever teach them defeat because Isaw that so much when I was
younger with a lot of differentthings, whether it was with
whoever maybe my I I still callmy aunt, my mom, whoever.
She was where I saw defeatingthat.
And I never allow my children tosee that with me.
Like I went through a aliterally a whole domestic
(36:26):
violence relationship, and myson couldn't tell you nothing
about it.
I never allowed him to see anyof that.
He the only thing he could tellyou is I couldn't stand him.
That's the only thing he toldyou.
He couldn't tell you anythingelse because there was never a
time I ever want them to seedefeat.
I want them to always know wherethere's a will, there's a way.
(36:48):
And then of course we we stillwe pray together, we all of
that.
And then going back to the howyou said preparing them.
I was never taught to beprepared for like when people
die.
I guess that's why I handle itthe way I do.
But I always tell my kids, youknow what, I might not always be
here, but I will always be hereand here.
You always have memories of me,you always have the stuff that I
(37:10):
said, and I will forever be inyour heart.
We are we are a part of eachother.
So I might not physically bewhere you can see me, but you
will always, always remembereither something I said, did,
sung, or whatever the case.
That's how I feel like I preparemy kids because literally I just
keep little small things.
If I just go in my son's room,did you know such and such and
(37:32):
such?
Well, listen, if that happenedto you, you better like I'm you
know what I'm saying?
Like when it's dorning, I cancatch myself on his bed talking
to him, he'd be back there likebut crazy thing is he'll go
through a situation and he'llcome in my room.
Like, oh Lord, what he's like,Ma, remember when I wasn't
listening to you when you camein my room and you tell me I
(37:53):
need to say, Guess what happenedto me?
I was like, Oh, so mom does knowsomething, huh?
Okay, I'm just saying.
But it is it's crazy because youthink they not listening, but
they date.
SPEAKER_00 (38:04):
They do they do listen.
They do listen.
SPEAKER_04 (38:07):
They they don't do it how to tell them, but they
form their own way, which Ithink is good.
Yeah, because they gotta learnon their own.
But again, we're not alwaysgonna be here, but I that's how
I'm trying to for them to beable to at least figure out how
to do it on their own if thatsituation had an accident.
SPEAKER_00 (38:27):
Right.
And and I agree with all ofthat.
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (38:32):
And I told my students, like that's a big
thing for me.
A lot of times it made meoverwhelmed because I can't be a
little bit, yeah, I don't knowhow we can be.
SPEAKER_00 (38:40):
Y'all know how I can be.
I'm the Scorpio.
I don't even I'm not even intotime.
Uh I'm not even into to uhwhat's the Zodiac times, but I
do believe in it.
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