April 14, 2025 • 31 mins
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the complex and often misunderstood concept of "victim mode." As a family doctor and fellow codependent, I understand that many of us have experienced feelings of powerlessness, especially after trauma, burnout, or in the context of codependency. This episode is designed to foster compassion and self-awareness, rather than judgment, as we explore how victim mode manifests in our lives and how we can begin to shift out of it.
I start by defining victim mode as a mindset where individuals feel as though life is constantly happening to them, leading to a sense of helplessness and resentment. This mindset can stem from real experiences of trauma, emotional neglect, or feeling unheard, and it often results in a long-term identity that can be difficult to break free from. I emphasize that while many listeners may have valid reasons for their pain, it’s crucial to recognize when that pain transforms into a belief that nothing will ever change.
Throughout the episode, I highlight the signs of being stuck in victim mode, such as feeling like nothing works out, blaming others for our circumstances, and retelling painful stories that define our identities. I encourage listeners to approach these signs with curiosity rather than shame, recognizing that they are often survival strategies learned in response to past experiences.
I also discuss how victim mode can impact our relationships, leading to feelings of being taken advantage of, expecting others to read our minds, and avoiding direct communication. These patterns can create a cycle of disconnection and disappointment, even when those around us are not intentionally trying to hurt us.
As we move into the healing portion of the episode, I share practical steps for shifting out of victim mode. I emphasize the importance of acknowledging our experiences without shame and encourage listeners to ask themselves, "What is still in my control?" This question can help reclaim a sense of agency in situations where we may feel powerless.
I introduce the concept of "tiny acts of power," which are small, everyday decisions that reinforce our ability to choose and assert our needs. Examples include saying no without over-explaining, asking for help without apologizing, and prioritizing our own comfort. These actions, while seemingly minor, can significantly impact our sense of self and empowerment.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today we're going to be diving into victim mode.
Now, before you cringe at thephrase or start wondering if I'm
calling you dramatic, pleasetake a deep breath.
This isn't about judgment.
This is about compassion,self-awareness and naming a
pattern that many of us fallinto, especially those of us
who've experienced some trauma,burnout or codependency.
In this episode, we're going toexplore how victim mode shows
(00:25):
up, where it comes from and,most importantly, how to gently
start shifting out of it,because you deserve to feel
powerful again.
You deserve to be the maincharacter in your life, not the
one who's always waiting forrescue.
If you've been feelingpowerless, resentful or like
life is just happening to you,not with you, then this
episode's for you.
(00:45):
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
(01:05):
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent Dr,
angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 37th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
(01:27):
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode is focusing onbeing stuck in victim mode,
because sometimes life can getmessy and really heavy, and when
it feels like you're constantlygetting hit with one thing
after another, it's easy to slipinto this mindset of why is
this always happening to me?
(01:48):
That feeling of being stuckoverwhelmed and completely at
the mercy of everything andeveryone else around you.
That's what we're talking abouttoday.
In this episode.
I want to unpack something thatshows up in a lot of recovery,
codependency and even justeveryday stress.
Victim mode this isn't aboutblaming or calling anyone out.
(02:09):
This is about naming a patternthat many of us have learned to
survive and how we can begin tooutgrow with self-awareness and
compassion.
Victim mode is a mindset whereyou see yourself as someone that
life is constantly happening to.
It's not a one-time feeling orfrustration of disappointment.
It's a recurring belief thatyou have little or no influence
(02:32):
over your circumstances.
You start to feel like you'realways reacting, never choosing,
like the world is against youand you're just trying to
survive it.
This mindset often comes withfeelings like powerlessness,
believing that nothing you dowill ever make a difference
Blame, pointing out words forwhy you're stuck or why you're
hurting, resentment, feelingbitter or angry that others seem
(02:56):
to have it easier than you,helplessness, feeling
emotionally frozen or toooverwhelmed to act.
It's important for me to saythis clearly victim mode is not
the same as being a victim.
Many of you listening have gonethrough some deeply painful,
unjust and even life-alteringexperiences Maybe abuse, neglect
(03:17):
, betrayal, grief, emotionalabandonment.
And if that's you, I want youto know that your pain is valid
and you're allowed to grievewhat happened.
You're allowed to be angryabout it.
You're allowed to carry theweight of what happened for as
long as you need to, but whenyou're ready, you also get to
choose how long you want tocarry it, for this episode and
(03:40):
this podcast as a whole is notabout minimizing your
experiences or rushing you pastyour pain.
Healing is not linear and noone can tell you when it's time
to move forward.
But if you're here because youwant to start healing, if you're
ready to loosen the grip on thestory that says I'm the one
who's always getting hurt, thenyou're in the right place.
(04:03):
Victim mode, as we're talkingabout it today, is not about the
trauma itself, but it's thelong-term identity that can form
around that trauma.
It's when the pain of whathappened turns into a belief
that nothing will ever change orthat you'll always be powerless
.
And if a therapist ortrauma-informed specialist has
(04:24):
encouraged you to gently beginexploring empowerment and
self-responsibility, then thisepisode is designed to support
that process.
And if you're not there yet,that's okay.
You're not behind, you're notdoing it wrong.
But if you are ready, and ifyou're ready to stop letting it
define your future, then thisconversation is for you.
(04:45):
Victim mode is a story that yournervous system clings to when
it's trying to protect you fromfurther pain.
It says if I expectdisappointment, I won't be
surprised by it.
It can become comforting in astrange way, because at least
you know how to live there.
It's predictable.
But over time that story isgoing to shrink your life.
(05:06):
It takes away your voice, ittakes away your choices and your
sense of self.
And that's what we're here toshift, very gently, not by
forcing positivity, but byreclaiming your personal power,
one step at a time.
Victim mode doesn't suddenlyappear out of nowhere.
Most of the time it's rooted invery real experiences of trauma
(05:27):
, emotional neglect and feelingunseen or unheard.
A lot of us learned very earlyin life that our feelings didn't
matter, or that we had to stayquiet, be helpful or fix
everything just to stay safe orloved.
Maybe you grew up in a homewhere, no matter how hard you
tried, it was never good enough,or where chaos, criticism or
(05:51):
silence were just a normal partof everyday life.
Maybe you were the kid who hadto act like an adult, or the one
who kept the peace so that noone would explode.
Or maybe and this part isespecially hard you were hurt or
abused by someone that youloved, someone who should have
been protecting you but didn't,and you did what you had to do
(06:12):
to survive.
Maybe you shut down, you triedto be perfect, or you blamed
yourself because that felt saferthan believing someone you
trusted could cause you any harm.
And somewhere along the way, youmight have started to believe
things like good things don'thappen to me, or no one ever
really shows up for me, or maybeI always have to do everything
(06:34):
myself.
Those aren't just thoughts.
They're survival beliefs andcoping strategies.
But when those beliefs startrunning your life on autopilot,
they can keep you stuck in apattern where it always feels
like the world is against you,even when it's not anymore.
And if you've dealt withcodependency, this pattern can
get even more reinforced.
(06:55):
You become the one who sufferssilently, the one who takes on
everyone else's problems, theone who says I'm fine when
you're falling apart inside.
Over time, this can create alens where you always feel like
the one who's left behind, letdown or maybe taken advantage of
, even when the people aroundyou aren't trying to hurt you
anymore.
(07:16):
There are many signs that youmight recognize if you're stuck
in victim mode, and I want tosay up front that this is not
about shaming or labeling anyone.
This is just about awareness.
If you hear yourself in any ofthese, it doesn't mean that
you're doing life wrong.
It just means that you've beenthrough stuff that taught you to
live on high alert.
So we should try and explorethis with curiosity, not
(07:38):
judgment.
One sign is that you feel likenothing ever works out for you.
You might feel like, no matterhow hard you try, you're always
getting knocked down, passedover or maybe left behind, and
after a while, it's easy to fallinto this mindset of what's the
point of even trying.
Another big one is blamingothers, or blaming the universe
(07:59):
for everything that goes wrong,and I want to be really clear
here.
Sometimes people do let us down,sometimes they betray us,
sometimes they abandon us orhurt us in ways that we don't
deserve.
And if you experienced abuse,neglect or emotional abandonment
, especially in childhood, noneof that was your fault.
You were a child and you weredoing the best that you could in
a situation where your needsweren't being met.
(08:21):
But here's where it gets tricky.
As adults, if we carry thebelief that I was neglected, so
I'm always going to beunimportant, or no one took care
of me, so no one ever will, itkeeps us stuck in a place where
we expect life to repeat thatsame pattern.
It keeps us waiting for someoneelse to finally show up and fix
(08:42):
what they broke, and there's agood chance that you're never
going to get that closure.
You might wait a lifetime forthat person to come back and
apologize.
And here's the truth.
It's not your responsibilityand it's not in your control.
You may not be responsible forwhat happened to you, but
healing from it, that part, isin your hands.
(09:03):
That's where your power lies.
So let's say you were neglectedas a child.
Maybe you didn't get theattention or the affection that
you needed.
And now, as an adult, you mightfeel invisible in relationships
or like you have to earn loveby overgiving or staying quiet.
If you carry the belief that noone cared about me back then,
(09:23):
so I guess I don't matter noweither, that story becomes a
lens that colors everything.
But if you can start to shiftthat belief, even just a little,
you might say back then Ididn't matter to people who were
supposed to care for me, butthat doesn't mean that I don't
matter.
I do, and I do get to startshowing up for myself in ways
(09:43):
that they couldn't.
That shift is not going toerase what happened, but it's
going to give you a way forward.
It says what happened to mematters, but how I treat myself
now matters too.
Blame might feel protective, butit also keeps us waiting for
something to change that wecan't control.
Responsibility feels scary atfirst, but it's where your real
(10:07):
freedom begins.
Another sign of being stuck invictim mode is you might find
yourself avoiding responsibility, not because you're lazy or
careless, but because it feelsoverwhelming or even unfair to
be the one who has to fix it all.
You might think I didn't createthis mess, so why do I have to
be the one to clean it up.
That's a really human reaction,especially if you spent a
(10:29):
lifetime over-functioning orbeing the caretaker.
Another sign that you might bestuck in victim mode is that you
find yourself retelling thesame painful story over and over
, not because you're attentionseeking and not because you want
pity, but because that painbecame part of your identity.
That story became how youunderstood yourself.
(10:50):
Maybe the story soundssomething like I'm the person
who always gets hurt, or I'm theperson who was never chosen, or
I'm the one who gave everythingand still got left.
Those stories might be true.
You were hurt, you wereoverlooked, you did give your
whole heart and someone did walkaway.
But I'm not here to tell you,just to move on or to get over
(11:13):
it.
That story formed for a reasonand it was real.
But the problem is when we keepliving inside that story, when
we keep telling it withoutrewriting any part of it, we
don't give ourselves the spaceto become anything else.
We don't give ourselves theroom to imagine a different
outcome or identity.
So I'm going to give you anexample.
(11:33):
Let's say you were in arelationship where you
constantly gave and gave and theother person took advantage of
you or left without any kind ofexplanation.
That wound cuts really deep andmaybe now, every time you get
close to someone, you findyourself saying things like I
always love people who leave, orI'm just someone that people
walk away from.
Over time, that becomes youremotional script.
(11:56):
Even if someone shows up foryou in a healthy way, your brain
is still scanning for signsthat they're going to leave,
because that's what your storysays is going to happen next.
But what if you could updatethat story, even just a little?
What if you could say I wasdeeply hurt in that relationship
, but I'm learning to notice redflags sooner?
I'm learning that I don't haveto prove my worth to be loved.
(12:20):
That new version of the storydoesn't erase the pain, but it
builds on it.
It shows growth and it opensthe door to something better.
If any of that resonates, Ijust want to say that I get it
and you're not broken.
These are signs of someone whohas been trying to survive for a
really long time.
But survival isn't the end goal.
We're here to talk abouthealing, and even small shifts
(12:43):
in how we see ourselves can openthe door to change.
So let's talk about how victimmode can sneak into our
relationships, because this iswhere it often shows up the
loudest and the most painfully.
One big red flag is that youfeel like other people are
always taking advantage of you.
Maybe you're the friend who'salways there, the one who
remembers birthdays, who dropseverything when someone else is
(13:06):
in crisis, but when you needsomething, you hear nothing but
crickets.
People don't show up for youthe way that you show up for
them, and that hurts Over time.
It creates this deep sense ofI'm being used or people only
want me when I'm useful.
And that brings up anotherdynamic expecting people to read
your mind and then feelingcrushed when they don't.
You might think if they reallycared, they would know what I
(13:29):
need.
But most people aren't mindreaders, and when you're stuck
in victim mode, it can feelsafer to expect disappointment
than to actually ask for whatyou want or need and risk
hearing no.
Another big one is constantlyrescuing others and then feeling
resentful.
You might be the fixer, thehelper, the one who swoops in to
solve everything for everyoneelse, and maybe you even get a
(13:51):
sense of worth from being thatperson.
But then, once again, whenyou're the one struggling, you
feel totally alone.
You start to think why do Igive so much and get so little
in return?
That resentment builds and itoften spills out in ways that
aren't about the currentsituation or about the unspoken
hurt that's underneath.
And finally, avoiding directcommunication because, honestly,
(14:12):
it just feels pointless.
You might think they're notgoing to listen anyway, or I'll
just get shut down, or it'seasier to stay quiet than to
deal with the fallout.
That's victim mode in action.
It tells you that your voicedoesn't matter or that it's
safer to hold it all in and hopethat someone else figures it
out.
And again, this isn't aboutblaming you.
(14:34):
These are all survivalstrategies that you may have
learned a long time ago,especially if you grew up in a
home where expressing needs orfeelings wasn't safe.
But in adult relationships theycreate patterns that keep you
feeling disconnected,disappointed and unheard, even
when people around you aren'ttrying to hurt you.
Okay, so before we dive into howto start healing and shifting
your mindset out of victim mode,which is what we are going to
(14:55):
do, I promise I want to talk toyou about something that might
sound a little counterintuitive,and that's why it can actually
maybe feel safer to stay invictim mode.
Now you're thinking wait.
How can anyone possibly feelcomfortable there?
You're not alone.
Most people don't consciouslychoose victim mode.
It's not like we wake up in themorning and say, today I'd
(15:16):
really like to feel helpless andstuck.
Of course not.
But if we look a little deeper,we often find that victim mode
has become kind of thisemotional safety net, especially
for those of us who've beenthrough real hurt or trauma or
instability.
So I'm going to break that downa little bit.
First, being in victim mode itprotects you from disappointment
or failure.
If you believe that nothingever works out for you, then
(15:39):
you're never surprised when itdoesn't.
If you never put yourself outthere, you can't get rejected.
It's like an emotional armor.
If I expect the worst, I'm notgoing to be let down, and that
makes sense.
When life has let you down timeand time again, especially if
that was early on, it's yournervous system trying to stay
one step ahead of the pain.
Second and this one's a littlemore tender Sometimes being in
(16:02):
victim mode brings care andattention.
If you grew up in an environmentwhere your needs were ignored
or dismissed.
And attention.
If you grew up in anenvironment where your needs
were ignored or dismissed, painmight have become the only way
that you ever felt seen.
And now, even if it's notconscious, there can be this
pull to stay in that place ofstruggle, because that's when
people check in, that's whenthey listen and maybe when they
(16:26):
show up for you.
It's not manipulation, it'srelational survival.
If you've never known any otherway to feel loved or important.
Victim mode can feel oddly kindof comforting.
And the last thing I wanted totalk about, and maybe it's the
most important.
But change can be really scary.
Growth takes vulnerability, andhealing means facing parts of
yourself and your story thatmaybe you've spent years trying
(16:48):
to avoid.
Choosing a new mindset meansstepping into unfamiliar
territory where you don't knowwhat will happen next.
Victim mode, while maybe it'spainful, is at least predictable
.
It says stay small, don't riskanything.
This is what you know.
So, yeah, it might sound alittle bit strange to say that
being stuck in victim mode mightfeel safe for some people, but
(17:12):
when you unpack it it makes alot of sense, especially if
you've been through trauma,especially if your past taught
you that taking risks only leadsto hurt and especially if no
one ever taught you that you'reallowed to have power.
But just because it feels safedoesn't mean that it's serving
you anymore, and the fact thatyou're here listening to me
tells me that some part of youis ready for something different
(17:35):
.
So let's talk about what you'veprobably been waiting for how
to actually start shifting yourmind out of victim mode.
And just to be clear, this isnot about fixing yourself or
suddenly becoming ahyper-independent powerhouse
overnight.
This is about taking small,doable steps that help you feel
more grounded and more in chargeof your life, even for just a
(17:56):
little.
So first things first, you'vegot to acknowledge that you've
been in victim mode withoutfeeling any shame about it.
That's the hardest part formost of us.
If you've been listening tothis podcast, thinking, oh no, I
do this all the time, yourbrain might be going straight to
what's wrong with me, but Iwant you to hear this there is
nothing wrong with you.
(18:16):
Victim mode is a survivalpattern.
It's what your nervous systemlearned to do when life felt
overwhelming and unsafe.
It's not a character flaw, it'sa coping strategy, and you're
allowed to outgrow it withoutblaming yourself for ever having
needed it.
Next, I want you to try askingyourself this really powerful
question what is still in mycontrol?
(18:38):
And, I know.
For those of us who are used tofeeling powerless or who grew
up in homes where we didn't havea lot of say in what happened
around us, this question canfeel almost impossible to answer
at first.
But it's not about takingcontrol of everything.
It's about finding the smallareas where you do have a choice
and I promise there's alwayssomething.
(19:00):
Let's say your boss isconstantly micromanaging you.
They hover and they nitpick andit makes you feel anxious and
incapable.
You might not be able to changetheir behavior.
You probably can't rewrite thecompany culture, but what can
you control?
You can control how you respondto them.
You can set boundaries, likesaying I've got this covered.
(19:21):
If I run into a problem, I'mgoing to let you know.
You can choose to document yourwork more clearly or talk to HR
if the situation escalates.
You can even control your ownself-talk in the moment.
This doesn't mean that I'mfailing.
It just means that they havecontrol issues.
Or, let's say, your family'sconstantly pulling you into
their drama.
Maybe there's always someonefighting or venting or asking
(19:43):
you to be the go-between.
You can't fix their dynamic,but you can take a step back.
You can maybe leave the groupchat or put it on mute and you
can decide I'm not going toanswer every call right away or
I'm allowed to say I'm notavailable for this conversation
right now.
These might be little things,but they're huge when you're
used to feeling like life isjust dragging you around.
(20:05):
Control doesn't mean havingpower over other people.
It means reclaiming yourability to respond intentionally
instead of reactingautomatically.
So when you feel stuck,overwhelmed or like everything
else is happening to you, pauseand take a breath and ask
yourself what part of this isstill mine to work with.
(20:25):
Even if the only answer thatday is I can take a break or I
can get through this hour,that's still something that's
still you choosing, instead ofshutting down.
The more often you practicethat question what am I in
control of?
The more natural it becomes.
You start to realize that youhave way more power than you
(20:46):
thought, and not just in theplaces that you've been told to
look.
You can also practice what Ilike to call tiny acts of power,
and I know that might sounddramatic for things that seem
small on the outside, but ifyou're someone who spent most of
your life people-pleasing,over-functioning or feeling like
you've had no choice, theselittle actions are actually
pretty big.
(21:06):
Tiny acts of power are thosesmall everyday decisions that
remind your nervous system hey,I get to choose, I'm allowed to
make decisions for my life.
They're not about controllingother people or having
everything figured out perfectly.
They're about starting toreconnect with your voice and
your needs, one little step at atime.
So examples of this would besaying no without over
(21:29):
explaining.
So, instead of launching into along winded excuse or trying to
soften the blow, you mightsimply say I'm not available for
that or I'm going to pass.
It might feel terrifying atfirst, but it's powerful.
You're reminding yourself thatyou don't owe people an essay
just to justify your limits.
Asking for help withoutapologizing For a lot of
codependents asking for supportfeels like weakness or like
(21:52):
you're being a burden.
But what if you just say, hey,I could really use a hand with
this and left it at that?
That's a powerful move.
It's trusting that your needsmatter and that you're allowed
to be supported too, choosing adifferent route to work just
because you want to.
This one might sound silly, butit's a form of breaking
autopilot.
It's a little reminder thatyou're not trapped in routines.
(22:14):
You have choices, even in thetiniest parts of your day, and
sometimes something as simple astaking a scenic route can shift
your whole mindset.
Leaving a social event earlybecause your body says that
you've had enough you don't haveto push through exhaustion or
to pretend that you're enjoyingsomething when you're done.
Choosing to leave when yourenergy runs out, is you
(22:35):
listening to yourself,respecting your capacity and
acting on it.
That's self-trust in action.
This might sound really silly,but I often avoid taking water
breaks or going to the bathroomat work because my day gets so
busy.
In my mind I would say man, Ireally need to go pee.
And then six hours later, I'mstill running around and I
(22:57):
haven't gone to the bathroom yet.
Now I make a conscious effortto prioritize my own comfort and
my needs at work.
Sometimes I might leave apatient waiting for an extra
five minutes just so that I canvisit the water cooler or the
water closet and so that I cantake care of myself.
These things might not seemlike a big deal to someone who's
always felt confident orassertive, but for people like
(23:19):
us, who've been conditioned tomake themselves small or to stay
agreeable, to not rock the boat, these are bold moves.
These are little rebellions,and every time that you practice
one, you build trust withyourself, you teach your body
and your mind that you've gotyou, and the more you do that,
the less you need to rely onvictim mode to feel safe,
(23:40):
because now you're learning howto create safety from the inside
.
And finally, one of the mosthelpful and, honestly, most
life-changing mindset shifts youcan practice is learning to
move from why is this happeningto me to what can I learn to do
with this?
That first question why is thishappening to me?
It's automatic, it's totallyhuman.
(24:02):
When something painful happens,especially something that feels
unfair or familiar in a bad way, our brain wants to make sense
of it.
We go into that spiral of whyme?
Why again?
What did I do to deserve that?
But that question keeps youstuck, it loops you into the
pain, it puts you in the role ofthe powerless one, the person
(24:23):
that bad things just happen to,and I want better for you than
that.
So what if you could shift thatquestion even just a little?
What if, instead of why is thishappening to me, you asked what
is this here to teach me?
Or what can I do differentlynext time?
Or what does this bring up inme that I still need healing
(24:44):
from.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say someone close to youcrossed a boundary again.
Maybe they showed up late orthey cancelled at the last
minute and your first reactionis I can't believe they treated
me this way again.
That's fair.
You're allowed to feeldisappointed or maybe hurt, but
if you stop there, you're goingto stay stuck in that same story
.
Now imagine asking instead whatboundary do I need to protect
(25:09):
myself next time?
Or what part of me still wantsto feel needed so badly that I
ignored that warning sign?
That kind of question doesn'terase your pain, but it puts you
in the driver's seat and whenyou've spent years feeling like
a passenger in your own life,like everything is just
happening to you, that shift iseverything.
You're not being punished.
You're now being invitedinvited to pay attention, to
(25:31):
learn something new, to try anew response, maybe to move
forward in a different way.
I'm not saying that you need tobe grateful for every hard thing
.
Some things are just hard, somethings were just wrong.
But asking what can I learnfrom this doesn't mean that the
pain was okay.
It means that you're choosingto grow anyway, and that's
powerful.
That's how we start to shiftout of victim mode, not by
(25:55):
denying our pain, but bydeciding to do something with it
.
I just want to take a minute tosay this If you recognize
yourself in any of this, it'sokay.
It's okay that you've beenstuck in victim mode for a while
.
It's okay that you're justrealizing how much it's shaped
the way that you think, the waythat you can relate or the way
that you see yourself.
Maybe you needed to live therefor a season.
(26:17):
Sometimes victim mode is a formof protection.
It helps you survive when youdon't feel like you have options
.
It gave you a language for yourpain when no one else was
listening.
So that's where you've beenliving.
So please don't beat yourselfup for it.
That version of you was doingthe best they could with the
information that they had, andyou don't have to fix everything
(26:37):
overnight.
I know how easy it is to hearall of this and start thinking
okay, great, now I have tochange everything about how I
think, how I speak and how I act.
But no, even just noticing thatthe pattern is there is a big
step.
Awareness is a win and, honestly, it's one of the most important
ones, because once you see it.
You can't unsee it, and that'swhat makes change possible, and
(27:01):
I want you to know this.
You're allowed to be both hurtand powerful at the same time.
These two things can existtogether.
You don't have to wait untilyou're all better or fully
healed to start standing in yourtruth.
You don't have to pretend thatthe pain never happened in order
to move forward.
You can carry your story andyour strength.
(27:21):
You can be a work in progressand still reclaim your voice.
You can say this hurt me andalso say I'm going to do
something different now.
So, as we close up this episode,I want to leave you with this
You're not weak for gettingstuck.
You're strong for wanting outof it.
Let that sink in for a second.
(27:41):
Getting stuck in victim modedoesn't make you broken or
flawed.
It makes you human.
You've lived through hard times.
You did what you needed tosurvive.
That was strength.
And now the fact that you'reeven thinking about shifting out
of that place, the fact thatyou're noticing your patterns,
reflecting on your beliefs andasking better questions, that's
strength too.
(28:01):
It takes courage to say I don'twant to live this way anymore,
and it takes even more courageto say I might not know how to
change this yet, but I'm willingto try.
So today I want to invite you toreflect on just one small
choice that you can make that'srooted in empowerment.
Not perfection, not a totallife overhaul, just something
(28:22):
small and doable that says Imatter, I have a say in how this
goes.
Maybe that means saying no tosomething that you don't have
the energy for.
Maybe it means finally askingfor help.
Maybe it's journaling about astory that you're ready to write
.
Maybe it's something as simpleas pausing before reacting and
reminding yourself that you haveoptions.
Whatever it is, let that beyour tiny act of power today.
(28:46):
Let that be your reminder thatyou're not stuck forever.
You're already shifting just byshowing up with more awareness,
more honesty and morecompassion for yourself.
You've got this and I'm proudof you for being here.
Here are some reflectionexercises this week if you would
like to do some journaling work.
What's a situation in my lifethat feels painful, unfair or
(29:09):
never changing?
What story am I telling myselfabout it?
Example people always leave meor nothing ever works out for me
.
Where did that story come from?
Does it still feel true and ifnot, how would I like to rewrite
it?
What situation in my life feelsout of control or overwhelming
right now?
What part of this is not mineto carry?
(29:31):
What is in my control, even ifit's small?
What's one action that I cantake today that supports my
well-being?
Phew, I want you all to take areally big breath.
This is probably one of theheaviest episodes I've ever done
.
It was a lot.
I was a little nervous to writeit, but I'm glad that we got
through it and I hope thatyou're all doing okay.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
(29:55):
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when we'regoing to talk about the lonely
part of healing that no one everwarned you about.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
(30:17):
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Today we're going to be diving into victim mode.
Now, before you cringe at thephrase or start wondering if I'm
calling you dramatic, pleasetake a deep breath.
This isn't about judgment.
This is about compassion,self-awareness and naming a
pattern that many of us fallinto, especially those of us
who've experienced some trauma,burnout or codependency.
In this episode, we're going toexplore how victim mode shows
(00:25):
up, where it comes from and,most importantly, how to gently
start shifting out of it,because you deserve to feel
powerful again.
You deserve to be the maincharacter in your life, not the
one who's always waiting forrescue.
If you've been feelingpowerless, resentful or like
life is just happening to you,not with you, then this
episode's for you.
(00:45):
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
(01:05):
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent Dr,
angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 37th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
(01:27):
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode is focusing onbeing stuck in victim mode,
because sometimes life can getmessy and really heavy, and when
it feels like you're constantlygetting hit with one thing
after another, it's easy to slipinto this mindset of why is
this always happening to me?
(01:48):
That feeling of being stuckoverwhelmed and completely at
the mercy of everything andeveryone else around you.
That's what we're talking abouttoday.
In this episode.
I want to unpack something thatshows up in a lot of recovery,
codependency and even justeveryday stress.
Victim mode this isn't aboutblaming or calling anyone out.
(02:09):
This is about naming a patternthat many of us have learned to
survive and how we can begin tooutgrow with self-awareness and
compassion.
Victim mode is a mindset whereyou see yourself as someone that
life is constantly happening to.
It's not a one-time feeling orfrustration of disappointment.
It's a recurring belief thatyou have little or no influence
(02:32):
over your circumstances.
You start to feel like you'realways reacting, never choosing,
like the world is against youand you're just trying to
survive it.
This mindset often comes withfeelings like powerlessness,
believing that nothing you dowill ever make a difference
Blame, pointing out words forwhy you're stuck or why you're
hurting, resentment, feelingbitter or angry that others seem
(02:56):
to have it easier than you,helplessness, feeling
emotionally frozen or toooverwhelmed to act.
It's important for me to saythis clearly victim mode is not
the same as being a victim.
Many of you listening have gonethrough some deeply painful,
unjust and even life-alteringexperiences Maybe abuse, neglect
(03:17):
, betrayal, grief, emotionalabandonment.
And if that's you, I want youto know that your pain is valid
and you're allowed to grievewhat happened.
You're allowed to be angryabout it.
You're allowed to carry theweight of what happened for as
long as you need to, but whenyou're ready, you also get to
choose how long you want tocarry it, for this episode and
(03:40):
this podcast as a whole is notabout minimizing your
experiences or rushing you pastyour pain.
Healing is not linear and noone can tell you when it's time
to move forward.
But if you're here because youwant to start healing, if you're
ready to loosen the grip on thestory that says I'm the one
who's always getting hurt, thenyou're in the right place.
(04:03):
Victim mode, as we're talkingabout it today, is not about the
trauma itself, but it's thelong-term identity that can form
around that trauma.
It's when the pain of whathappened turns into a belief
that nothing will ever change orthat you'll always be powerless
.
And if a therapist ortrauma-informed specialist has
(04:24):
encouraged you to gently beginexploring empowerment and
self-responsibility, then thisepisode is designed to support
that process.
And if you're not there yet,that's okay.
You're not behind, you're notdoing it wrong.
But if you are ready, and ifyou're ready to stop letting it
define your future, then thisconversation is for you.
(04:45):
Victim mode is a story that yournervous system clings to when
it's trying to protect you fromfurther pain.
It says if I expectdisappointment, I won't be
surprised by it.
It can become comforting in astrange way, because at least
you know how to live there.
It's predictable.
But over time that story isgoing to shrink your life.
(05:06):
It takes away your voice, ittakes away your choices and your
sense of self.
And that's what we're here toshift, very gently, not by
forcing positivity, but byreclaiming your personal power,
one step at a time.
Victim mode doesn't suddenlyappear out of nowhere.
Most of the time it's rooted invery real experiences of trauma
(05:27):
, emotional neglect and feelingunseen or unheard.
A lot of us learned very earlyin life that our feelings didn't
matter, or that we had to stayquiet, be helpful or fix
everything just to stay safe orloved.
Maybe you grew up in a homewhere, no matter how hard you
tried, it was never good enough,or where chaos, criticism or
(05:51):
silence were just a normal partof everyday life.
Maybe you were the kid who hadto act like an adult, or the one
who kept the peace so that noone would explode.
Or maybe and this part isespecially hard you were hurt or
abused by someone that youloved, someone who should have
been protecting you but didn't,and you did what you had to do
(06:12):
to survive.
Maybe you shut down, you triedto be perfect, or you blamed
yourself because that felt saferthan believing someone you
trusted could cause you any harm.
And somewhere along the way, youmight have started to believe
things like good things don'thappen to me, or no one ever
really shows up for me, or maybeI always have to do everything
(06:34):
myself.
Those aren't just thoughts.
They're survival beliefs andcoping strategies.
But when those beliefs startrunning your life on autopilot,
they can keep you stuck in apattern where it always feels
like the world is against you,even when it's not anymore.
And if you've dealt withcodependency, this pattern can
get even more reinforced.
(06:55):
You become the one who sufferssilently, the one who takes on
everyone else's problems, theone who says I'm fine when
you're falling apart inside.
Over time, this can create alens where you always feel like
the one who's left behind, letdown or maybe taken advantage of
, even when the people aroundyou aren't trying to hurt you
anymore.
(07:16):
There are many signs that youmight recognize if you're stuck
in victim mode, and I want tosay up front that this is not
about shaming or labeling anyone.
This is just about awareness.
If you hear yourself in any ofthese, it doesn't mean that
you're doing life wrong.
It just means that you've beenthrough stuff that taught you to
live on high alert.
So we should try and explorethis with curiosity, not
(07:38):
judgment.
One sign is that you feel likenothing ever works out for you.
You might feel like, no matterhow hard you try, you're always
getting knocked down, passedover or maybe left behind, and
after a while, it's easy to fallinto this mindset of what's the
point of even trying.
Another big one is blamingothers, or blaming the universe
(07:59):
for everything that goes wrong,and I want to be really clear
here.
Sometimes people do let us down,sometimes they betray us,
sometimes they abandon us orhurt us in ways that we don't
deserve.
And if you experienced abuse,neglect or emotional abandonment
, especially in childhood, noneof that was your fault.
You were a child and you weredoing the best that you could in
a situation where your needsweren't being met.
(08:21):
But here's where it gets tricky.
As adults, if we carry thebelief that I was neglected, so
I'm always going to beunimportant, or no one took care
of me, so no one ever will, itkeeps us stuck in a place where
we expect life to repeat thatsame pattern.
It keeps us waiting for someoneelse to finally show up and fix
(08:42):
what they broke, and there's agood chance that you're never
going to get that closure.
You might wait a lifetime forthat person to come back and
apologize.
And here's the truth.
It's not your responsibilityand it's not in your control.
You may not be responsible forwhat happened to you, but
healing from it, that part, isin your hands.
(09:03):
That's where your power lies.
So let's say you were neglectedas a child.
Maybe you didn't get theattention or the affection that
you needed.
And now, as an adult, you mightfeel invisible in relationships
or like you have to earn loveby overgiving or staying quiet.
If you carry the belief that noone cared about me back then,
(09:23):
so I guess I don't matter noweither, that story becomes a
lens that colors everything.
But if you can start to shiftthat belief, even just a little,
you might say back then Ididn't matter to people who were
supposed to care for me, butthat doesn't mean that I don't
matter.
I do, and I do get to startshowing up for myself in ways
(09:43):
that they couldn't.
That shift is not going toerase what happened, but it's
going to give you a way forward.
It says what happened to mematters, but how I treat myself
now matters too.
Blame might feel protective, butit also keeps us waiting for
something to change that wecan't control.
Responsibility feels scary atfirst, but it's where your real
(10:07):
freedom begins.
Another sign of being stuck invictim mode is you might find
yourself avoiding responsibility, not because you're lazy or
careless, but because it feelsoverwhelming or even unfair to
be the one who has to fix it all.
You might think I didn't createthis mess, so why do I have to
be the one to clean it up.
That's a really human reaction,especially if you spent a
(10:29):
lifetime over-functioning orbeing the caretaker.
Another sign that you might bestuck in victim mode is that you
find yourself retelling thesame painful story over and over
, not because you're attentionseeking and not because you want
pity, but because that painbecame part of your identity.
That story became how youunderstood yourself.
(10:50):
Maybe the story soundssomething like I'm the person
who always gets hurt, or I'm theperson who was never chosen, or
I'm the one who gave everythingand still got left.
Those stories might be true.
You were hurt, you wereoverlooked, you did give your
whole heart and someone did walkaway.
But I'm not here to tell you,just to move on or to get over
(11:13):
it.
That story formed for a reasonand it was real.
But the problem is when we keepliving inside that story, when
we keep telling it withoutrewriting any part of it, we
don't give ourselves the spaceto become anything else.
We don't give ourselves theroom to imagine a different
outcome or identity.
So I'm going to give you anexample.
(11:33):
Let's say you were in arelationship where you
constantly gave and gave and theother person took advantage of
you or left without any kind ofexplanation.
That wound cuts really deep andmaybe now, every time you get
close to someone, you findyourself saying things like I
always love people who leave, orI'm just someone that people
walk away from.
Over time, that becomes youremotional script.
(11:56):
Even if someone shows up foryou in a healthy way, your brain
is still scanning for signsthat they're going to leave,
because that's what your storysays is going to happen next.
But what if you could updatethat story, even just a little?
What if you could say I wasdeeply hurt in that relationship
, but I'm learning to notice redflags sooner?
I'm learning that I don't haveto prove my worth to be loved.
(12:20):
That new version of the storydoesn't erase the pain, but it
builds on it.
It shows growth and it opensthe door to something better.
If any of that resonates, Ijust want to say that I get it
and you're not broken.
These are signs of someone whohas been trying to survive for a
really long time.
But survival isn't the end goal.
We're here to talk abouthealing, and even small shifts
(12:43):
in how we see ourselves can openthe door to change.
So let's talk about how victimmode can sneak into our
relationships, because this iswhere it often shows up the
loudest and the most painfully.
One big red flag is that youfeel like other people are
always taking advantage of you.
Maybe you're the friend who'salways there, the one who
remembers birthdays, who dropseverything when someone else is
(13:06):
in crisis, but when you needsomething, you hear nothing but
crickets.
People don't show up for youthe way that you show up for
them, and that hurts Over time.
It creates this deep sense ofI'm being used or people only
want me when I'm useful.
And that brings up anotherdynamic expecting people to read
your mind and then feelingcrushed when they don't.
You might think if they reallycared, they would know what I
(13:29):
need.
But most people aren't mindreaders, and when you're stuck
in victim mode, it can feelsafer to expect disappointment
than to actually ask for whatyou want or need and risk
hearing no.
Another big one is constantlyrescuing others and then feeling
resentful.
You might be the fixer, thehelper, the one who swoops in to
solve everything for everyoneelse, and maybe you even get a
(13:51):
sense of worth from being thatperson.
But then, once again, whenyou're the one struggling, you
feel totally alone.
You start to think why do Igive so much and get so little
in return?
That resentment builds and itoften spills out in ways that
aren't about the currentsituation or about the unspoken
hurt that's underneath.
And finally, avoiding directcommunication because, honestly,
(14:12):
it just feels pointless.
You might think they're notgoing to listen anyway, or I'll
just get shut down, or it'seasier to stay quiet than to
deal with the fallout.
That's victim mode in action.
It tells you that your voicedoesn't matter or that it's
safer to hold it all in and hopethat someone else figures it
out.
And again, this isn't aboutblaming you.
(14:34):
These are all survivalstrategies that you may have
learned a long time ago,especially if you grew up in a
home where expressing needs orfeelings wasn't safe.
But in adult relationships theycreate patterns that keep you
feeling disconnected,disappointed and unheard, even
when people around you aren'ttrying to hurt you.
Okay, so before we dive into howto start healing and shifting
your mindset out of victim mode,which is what we are going to
(14:55):
do, I promise I want to talk toyou about something that might
sound a little counterintuitive,and that's why it can actually
maybe feel safer to stay invictim mode.
Now you're thinking wait.
How can anyone possibly feelcomfortable there?
You're not alone.
Most people don't consciouslychoose victim mode.
It's not like we wake up in themorning and say, today I'd
(15:16):
really like to feel helpless andstuck.
Of course not.
But if we look a little deeper,we often find that victim mode
has become kind of thisemotional safety net, especially
for those of us who've beenthrough real hurt or trauma or
instability.
So I'm going to break that downa little bit.
First, being in victim mode itprotects you from disappointment
or failure.
If you believe that nothingever works out for you, then
(15:39):
you're never surprised when itdoesn't.
If you never put yourself outthere, you can't get rejected.
It's like an emotional armor.
If I expect the worst, I'm notgoing to be let down, and that
makes sense.
When life has let you down timeand time again, especially if
that was early on, it's yournervous system trying to stay
one step ahead of the pain.
Second and this one's a littlemore tender Sometimes being in
(16:02):
victim mode brings care andattention.
If you grew up in an environmentwhere your needs were ignored
or dismissed.
And attention.
If you grew up in anenvironment where your needs
were ignored or dismissed, painmight have become the only way
that you ever felt seen.
And now, even if it's notconscious, there can be this
pull to stay in that place ofstruggle, because that's when
people check in, that's whenthey listen and maybe when they
(16:26):
show up for you.
It's not manipulation, it'srelational survival.
If you've never known any otherway to feel loved or important.
Victim mode can feel oddly kindof comforting.
And the last thing I wanted totalk about, and maybe it's the
most important.
But change can be really scary.
Growth takes vulnerability, andhealing means facing parts of
yourself and your story thatmaybe you've spent years trying
(16:48):
to avoid.
Choosing a new mindset meansstepping into unfamiliar
territory where you don't knowwhat will happen next.
Victim mode, while maybe it'spainful, is at least predictable
.
It says stay small, don't riskanything.
This is what you know.
So, yeah, it might sound alittle bit strange to say that
being stuck in victim mode mightfeel safe for some people, but
(17:12):
when you unpack it it makes alot of sense, especially if
you've been through trauma,especially if your past taught
you that taking risks only leadsto hurt and especially if no
one ever taught you that you'reallowed to have power.
But just because it feels safedoesn't mean that it's serving
you anymore, and the fact thatyou're here listening to me
tells me that some part of youis ready for something different
(17:35):
.
So let's talk about what you'veprobably been waiting for how
to actually start shifting yourmind out of victim mode.
And just to be clear, this isnot about fixing yourself or
suddenly becoming ahyper-independent powerhouse
overnight.
This is about taking small,doable steps that help you feel
more grounded and more in chargeof your life, even for just a
(17:56):
little.
So first things first, you'vegot to acknowledge that you've
been in victim mode withoutfeeling any shame about it.
That's the hardest part formost of us.
If you've been listening tothis podcast, thinking, oh no, I
do this all the time, yourbrain might be going straight to
what's wrong with me, but Iwant you to hear this there is
nothing wrong with you.
(18:16):
Victim mode is a survivalpattern.
It's what your nervous systemlearned to do when life felt
overwhelming and unsafe.
It's not a character flaw, it'sa coping strategy, and you're
allowed to outgrow it withoutblaming yourself for ever having
needed it.
Next, I want you to try askingyourself this really powerful
question what is still in mycontrol?
(18:38):
And, I know.
For those of us who are used tofeeling powerless or who grew
up in homes where we didn't havea lot of say in what happened
around us, this question canfeel almost impossible to answer
at first.
But it's not about takingcontrol of everything.
It's about finding the smallareas where you do have a choice
and I promise there's alwayssomething.
(19:00):
Let's say your boss isconstantly micromanaging you.
They hover and they nitpick andit makes you feel anxious and
incapable.
You might not be able to changetheir behavior.
You probably can't rewrite thecompany culture, but what can
you control?
You can control how you respondto them.
You can set boundaries, likesaying I've got this covered.
(19:21):
If I run into a problem, I'mgoing to let you know.
You can choose to document yourwork more clearly or talk to HR
if the situation escalates.
You can even control your ownself-talk in the moment.
This doesn't mean that I'mfailing.
It just means that they havecontrol issues.
Or, let's say, your family'sconstantly pulling you into
their drama.
Maybe there's always someonefighting or venting or asking
(19:43):
you to be the go-between.
You can't fix their dynamic,but you can take a step back.
You can maybe leave the groupchat or put it on mute and you
can decide I'm not going toanswer every call right away or
I'm allowed to say I'm notavailable for this conversation
right now.
These might be little things,but they're huge when you're
used to feeling like life isjust dragging you around.
(20:05):
Control doesn't mean havingpower over other people.
It means reclaiming yourability to respond intentionally
instead of reactingautomatically.
So when you feel stuck,overwhelmed or like everything
else is happening to you, pauseand take a breath and ask
yourself what part of this isstill mine to work with.
(20:25):
Even if the only answer thatday is I can take a break or I
can get through this hour,that's still something that's
still you choosing, instead ofshutting down.
The more often you practicethat question what am I in
control of?
The more natural it becomes.
You start to realize that youhave way more power than you
(20:46):
thought, and not just in theplaces that you've been told to
look.
You can also practice what Ilike to call tiny acts of power,
and I know that might sounddramatic for things that seem
small on the outside, but ifyou're someone who spent most of
your life people-pleasing,over-functioning or feeling like
you've had no choice, theselittle actions are actually
pretty big.
(21:06):
Tiny acts of power are thosesmall everyday decisions that
remind your nervous system hey,I get to choose, I'm allowed to
make decisions for my life.
They're not about controllingother people or having
everything figured out perfectly.
They're about starting toreconnect with your voice and
your needs, one little step at atime.
So examples of this would besaying no without over
(21:29):
explaining.
So, instead of launching into along winded excuse or trying to
soften the blow, you mightsimply say I'm not available for
that or I'm going to pass.
It might feel terrifying atfirst, but it's powerful.
You're reminding yourself thatyou don't owe people an essay
just to justify your limits.
Asking for help withoutapologizing For a lot of
codependents asking for supportfeels like weakness or like
(21:52):
you're being a burden.
But what if you just say, hey,I could really use a hand with
this and left it at that?
That's a powerful move.
It's trusting that your needsmatter and that you're allowed
to be supported too, choosing adifferent route to work just
because you want to.
This one might sound silly, butit's a form of breaking
autopilot.
It's a little reminder thatyou're not trapped in routines.
(22:14):
You have choices, even in thetiniest parts of your day, and
sometimes something as simple astaking a scenic route can shift
your whole mindset.
Leaving a social event earlybecause your body says that
you've had enough you don't haveto push through exhaustion or
to pretend that you're enjoyingsomething when you're done.
Choosing to leave when yourenergy runs out, is you
(22:35):
listening to yourself,respecting your capacity and
acting on it.
That's self-trust in action.
This might sound really silly,but I often avoid taking water
breaks or going to the bathroomat work because my day gets so
busy.
In my mind I would say man, Ireally need to go pee.
And then six hours later, I'mstill running around and I
(22:57):
haven't gone to the bathroom yet.
Now I make a conscious effortto prioritize my own comfort and
my needs at work.
Sometimes I might leave apatient waiting for an extra
five minutes just so that I canvisit the water cooler or the
water closet and so that I cantake care of myself.
These things might not seemlike a big deal to someone who's
always felt confident orassertive, but for people like
(23:19):
us, who've been conditioned tomake themselves small or to stay
agreeable, to not rock the boat, these are bold moves.
These are little rebellions,and every time that you practice
one, you build trust withyourself, you teach your body
and your mind that you've gotyou, and the more you do that,
the less you need to rely onvictim mode to feel safe,
(23:40):
because now you're learning howto create safety from the inside
.
And finally, one of the mosthelpful and, honestly, most
life-changing mindset shifts youcan practice is learning to
move from why is this happeningto me to what can I learn to do
with this?
That first question why is thishappening to me?
It's automatic, it's totallyhuman.
(24:02):
When something painful happens,especially something that feels
unfair or familiar in a bad way, our brain wants to make sense
of it.
We go into that spiral of whyme?
Why again?
What did I do to deserve that?
But that question keeps youstuck, it loops you into the
pain, it puts you in the role ofthe powerless one, the person
(24:23):
that bad things just happen to,and I want better for you than
that.
So what if you could shift thatquestion even just a little?
What if, instead of why is thishappening to me, you asked what
is this here to teach me?
Or what can I do differentlynext time?
Or what does this bring up inme that I still need healing
(24:44):
from.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say someone close to youcrossed a boundary again.
Maybe they showed up late orthey cancelled at the last
minute and your first reactionis I can't believe they treated
me this way again.
That's fair.
You're allowed to feeldisappointed or maybe hurt, but
if you stop there, you're goingto stay stuck in that same story
.
Now imagine asking instead whatboundary do I need to protect
(25:09):
myself next time?
Or what part of me still wantsto feel needed so badly that I
ignored that warning sign?
That kind of question doesn'terase your pain, but it puts you
in the driver's seat and whenyou've spent years feeling like
a passenger in your own life,like everything is just
happening to you, that shift iseverything.
You're not being punished.
You're now being invitedinvited to pay attention, to
(25:31):
learn something new, to try anew response, maybe to move
forward in a different way.
I'm not saying that you need tobe grateful for every hard thing
.
Some things are just hard, somethings were just wrong.
But asking what can I learnfrom this doesn't mean that the
pain was okay.
It means that you're choosingto grow anyway, and that's
powerful.
That's how we start to shiftout of victim mode, not by
(25:55):
denying our pain, but bydeciding to do something with it
.
I just want to take a minute tosay this If you recognize
yourself in any of this, it'sokay.
It's okay that you've beenstuck in victim mode for a while
.
It's okay that you're justrealizing how much it's shaped
the way that you think, the waythat you can relate or the way
that you see yourself.
Maybe you needed to live therefor a season.
(26:17):
Sometimes victim mode is a formof protection.
It helps you survive when youdon't feel like you have options
.
It gave you a language for yourpain when no one else was
listening.
So that's where you've beenliving.
So please don't beat yourselfup for it.
That version of you was doingthe best they could with the
information that they had, andyou don't have to fix everything
(26:37):
overnight.
I know how easy it is to hearall of this and start thinking
okay, great, now I have tochange everything about how I
think, how I speak and how I act.
But no, even just noticing thatthe pattern is there is a big
step.
Awareness is a win and, honestly, it's one of the most important
ones, because once you see it.
You can't unsee it, and that'swhat makes change possible, and
(27:01):
I want you to know this.
You're allowed to be both hurtand powerful at the same time.
These two things can existtogether.
You don't have to wait untilyou're all better or fully
healed to start standing in yourtruth.
You don't have to pretend thatthe pain never happened in order
to move forward.
You can carry your story andyour strength.
(27:21):
You can be a work in progressand still reclaim your voice.
You can say this hurt me andalso say I'm going to do
something different now.
So, as we close up this episode,I want to leave you with this
You're not weak for gettingstuck.
You're strong for wanting outof it.
Let that sink in for a second.
(27:41):
Getting stuck in victim modedoesn't make you broken or
flawed.
It makes you human.
You've lived through hard times.
You did what you needed tosurvive.
That was strength.
And now the fact that you'reeven thinking about shifting out
of that place, the fact thatyou're noticing your patterns,
reflecting on your beliefs andasking better questions, that's
strength too.
(28:01):
It takes courage to say I don'twant to live this way anymore,
and it takes even more courageto say I might not know how to
change this yet, but I'm willingto try.
So today I want to invite you toreflect on just one small
choice that you can make that'srooted in empowerment.
Not perfection, not a totallife overhaul, just something
(28:22):
small and doable that says Imatter, I have a say in how this
goes.
Maybe that means saying no tosomething that you don't have
the energy for.
Maybe it means finally askingfor help.
Maybe it's journaling about astory that you're ready to write
.
Maybe it's something as simpleas pausing before reacting and
reminding yourself that you haveoptions.
Whatever it is, let that beyour tiny act of power today.
(28:46):
Let that be your reminder thatyou're not stuck forever.
You're already shifting just byshowing up with more awareness,
more honesty and morecompassion for yourself.
You've got this and I'm proudof you for being here.
Here are some reflectionexercises this week if you would
like to do some journaling work.
What's a situation in my lifethat feels painful, unfair or
(29:09):
never changing?
What story am I telling myselfabout it?
Example people always leave meor nothing ever works out for me
.
Where did that story come from?
Does it still feel true and ifnot, how would I like to rewrite
it?
What situation in my life feelsout of control or overwhelming
right now?
What part of this is not mineto carry?
(29:31):
What is in my control, even ifit's small?
What's one action that I cantake today that supports my
well-being?
Phew, I want you all to take areally big breath.
This is probably one of theheaviest episodes I've ever done
.
It was a lot.
I was a little nervous to writeit, but I'm glad that we got
through it and I hope thatyou're all doing okay.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
(29:55):
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when we'regoing to talk about the lonely
part of healing that no one everwarned you about.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
(30:17):
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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