In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the concept of losing ourselves in the roles we play, whether as a professional, a parent, or a caregiver. Many of us tie our self-worth to our titles and responsibilities, often without realizing it, leading to feelings of being stuck, lost, or drained. I share my personal journey of how I identified too closely with my role as a doctor, to the point where I struggled to articulate who I was beyond that title.
We explore the societal pressures that encourage us to define ourselves by our achievements and productivity, often at the expense of our true selves. I discuss the risks of this mindset, including burnout, fear of change, and the slow loss of personal identity.
To help listeners reconnect with their authentic selves, I offer practical steps, such as spending time alone, revisiting old hobbies, and asking reflective questions about joy and identity. I encourage everyone to introduce themselves in ways that reflect their passions rather than their roles, and to embrace the complexity of being more than just a title.
As I wrap up, I share my excitement about my upcoming book, Enough As I Am, which focuses on self-acceptance and personal growth. I invite listeners to engage with journal exercises that promote self-discovery.
Remember, you are enough just as you are, and it's time to reclaim your authentic self.
Subscribe to my newsletter for more information on when my new workbook, Enough As I Am, will be available on Amazon.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone and welcome back.
Today I'm talking about tryingto identify too closely with the
roles that we play.
It's something that a lot of usdon't even realize that it's
happening until we start feelingstuck, lost or maybe completely
drained.
Maybe it's your job title,maybe it's being a mom, and
maybe it's being the responsibleone or the helper in your
family.
(00:20):
Whatever it is, it can be soeasy to lose sight of who you
are outside of what you do foreveryone else.
We're going to talk about whythis happens, how to recognize
if it's happening to you and,most importantly, how you can
start reconnecting with the realyou, the person who's
underneath all the titles andresponsibilities.
I know I got stuck doing this.
(00:41):
My worth became tied to mytitle and I know that I'm not
alone, so let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
(01:02):
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:26):
the 39th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
I am so grateful.
Today I woke up in the best moodever.
I had a great night's sleep.
None of my animals vomited inmy bed overnight.
I woke up, the birds weresinging, it was a beautiful day
(01:50):
and I got really excited, and Idon't know why I don't wake up
like this every day, but I guessthat some days are just
specialer than others.
No-transcript to hear from me.
(02:31):
Do you have any topics orquestions that you'd like me to
address on the show?
I'd love to do that.
I do get emails from time totime, so I'd like to share one
with you.
It came from Kim and she says Ilistened to the episode
yesterday and she's referring tothe understanding, the
connection between addiction andmental health.
It was so good and I wasactually able to apply my new
(02:53):
response with positive results.
That's amazing and this is whyI do this.
I love knowing that I'm able tohelp someone out there.
We can all use a little handfrom time to time, but I really
appreciate it when you let meknow that something that I've
done resonated with you or washelpful.
So today I'm talking aboutlosing yourself in what you do
(03:13):
instead of who you are as aperson.
I want to start by sharing alittle story from my own life,
and for those of you who don'tknow, I'm a doctor and I'm
really proud of that.
But for a long time, being adoctor was pretty much the only
thing that I knew what to sayabout myself.
Whenever someone would ask metell me about yourself, I would
just say, oh, I'm a doctor, andI would stop there.
(03:35):
In all fairness, saying thatyou're a doctor usually keeps
the conversation going.
People get curious and they askquestions and there's a lot to
talk about.
But deep down it scared me thatif someone pressed a little
further, I didn't really knowwhat else to say.
I had no idea who I was outsideof that title.
I remember sitting at a jobinterview once and the
(03:56):
interviewer who was across fromme said something like tell me
something interesting aboutyourself.
And I just stared at them.
I was like a deer caught in theheadlights, completely blank.
All I could think was I'm adoctor, but beyond that I didn't
know what to say.
And the thing is, I'm so manythings I'm funny, I'm creative,
(04:17):
I'm curious.
I'm someone who loves learning,I love connection, I love
trying to help people in allkinds of ways, I love animals,
nature and reading.
But I couldn't see any of thatbecause I was so tightly tied to
the role that I thought made meworthy to other people.
I kept working and strivinguntil I had a title that sounded
(04:39):
impressive and one that feltlike it proved that I was enough
for other people.
But somewhere along the way, Ilost sight of the fact that I
was already enough even withoutthe title.
And that's what I want to talkabout today how easy it is to
tie ourselves to the roles thatwe play and how, if we're not
careful, those roles can becomea cage.
(05:01):
We're going to talk about howthis happens, why it's so normal
and, most importantly, how tostart finding your way back to
yourself, the real you that'sunderneath all the titles, the
achievements and all theresponsibilities.
It's so easy to tie youridentity to what you do instead
of who you are and, honestly,most of us are taught to do
(05:22):
exactly that without evenrealizing it, from the time that
we're little.
We get asked what do you wantto be when you grow up, not who
do you want to be as a personwhen you grow up?
So it makes total sense that bythe time we're adults, we
introduce ourselves by our roles.
I'm a doctor, I'm an executive,I'm a mom.
I'm the one who holdseverything together.
I'm the achiever.
(05:42):
I'm the one who holdseverything together.
I'm the achiever, I'm thehelper.
And there's nothing wrong withbeing proud of those roles.
They matter, they're a hugepart of your story.
But the problem comes when thoseroles become the only way that
you see yourself, when you startbelieving that your worth is
tied to how well you perform orhow much you give or how
perfectly you stay inside ofthose labels.
And it happens so easily and soquietly.
(06:06):
You don't even notice.
Until one day you realize ifsomeone took your job title away
, or if your kids grew up andmoved out of the house, or if
people stopped needing you tofix things.
You're not totally sure whoyou'd be without it, and that's
a really unsettling feeling.
It's like building a wholehouse on a foundation that you
didn't realize could shift underyou.
(06:27):
This isn't a personality flaw.
It's something that we'retrained to do, usually without
even realizing it.
Society loves to reward titles.
It rewards productivity andself-sacrifice.
We celebrate being busy, havingimpressive job titles, hitting
milestones and taking care ofeveryone else around us.
We often clap for the peoplewho are working overtime, or the
(06:50):
mom who does it all, or thefriend who never says no.
We tell people you're amazingfor doing all that.
And they are.
It's baked into the way that wetalk to each other, into the
way success is measured, that wetalk to each other, into the
way success is measured.
You rarely ever hear someonebeing praised for just being,
for resting, for playing, forsetting boundaries or for
(07:10):
existing without producingsomething, and a lot of us grew
up in families where we werepraised mostly for what we did
not, for simply being ourselves.
Maybe you got a lot ofattention when you got good
grades, when you helped out,when you made people around you
proud.
Maybe love or approval feltjust a little bit conditional,
tied to how good you were, howmuch you achieved and how much
(07:32):
you gave.
When that's the case, it'scompletely natural to start
believing that doing equalsbeing valuable, that performing
or succeeding or caregiving isthe way that you earn your place
in the world.
I can see examples of that timeand time again in my life.
I'm assuming that most peoplecan see this in their lives as
(07:55):
well and you become tied to thetitles that you've worked hard
to earn.
On top of that, these rolesdoctor, mom, caregiver, achiever
, helper they give a sense ofstructure and safety when
everything else in life feelsuncertain or overwhelming.
It can feel comfortable to tuckyourself into a role and say
(08:15):
this is who I am and this iswhere I belong.
It's a safe place.
It gives you a way to feelanchored, even underneath it.
You start to lose touch withdeeper parts of yourself and
listen, we all do this to someextent.
It's about starting to noticewhere you might have gotten a
little too tightly tied to yourrole and give yourself
(08:36):
permission to untangle from itlittle by little.
There are real risks of tyingyour identity too tightly to a
role because, even though it canfeel safe and even comforting
for a role because even thoughit can feel safe and even
comforting for a long time,eventually it can lead to
feeling lost and disconnected,even exhausted.
You might experience burnout.
When your entire sense of worthis tied to being the helper,
(08:57):
the achiever or the caretaker,it feels almost impossible to
slow down or to take care ofyourself.
You don't know who you arewithout the constant giving,
doing and proving.
For me, sometimes, resting itfeels lazy and saying no seems
selfish.
So you just keep pushing untilyour body or your heart finally
says I can't keep doing thisanymore.
(09:20):
Then there's the fear of change, and this one hits really hard.
If you've spent your whole adultlife pouring yourself into a
career, what happens when youretire?
If you've spent years centeringyour life around raising your
kids, what happens when theyleave the home?
And if you build your worldaround a partnership, what
happens when that partner passesaway or the relationship ends
(09:43):
Suddenly?
You're not just grieving a jobor a life stage or a person.
You're grieving a piece of youridentity.
You're left asking who am I nowthat I'm not needed?
In the same way, where do I fitin now that that role that I
built my life around is gone?
There's also a quiet, achingkind of resentment that can
creep in.
(10:03):
When you spend years living forsomeone else or carrying
someone else's needs, you canstart to feel trapped, even in
roles that you once loved.
You can start to feel trappedeven in roles that you once
loved.
You love your kids and you loveyour work, but part of you
might feel invisible or angry,or tied to being the dependable
one, with no space to just beyourself.
Maybe the hardest part, the onethat sneaks up on you, is the
(10:26):
slow loss of yourself.
The hobbies that you once loved, some things, they just fall
away.
The dreams that you had getpushed off to the side, and the
parts of you that didn't fitinside of your role they get
silenced until you barely evenremember what they are anymore.
You stop asking yourself whatyou want, what you need or even
(10:46):
who you are, when nobody needsanything from you.
And it doesn't happen overnight.
It's this slow, quiet, gentledrift.
And then one day you wake upand you realize, hey, I've built
a life full of people andtitles and responsibilities, but
you don't recognize yourselfinside of it anymore.
So how do you even startnoticing if this is happening in
(11:09):
your own life?
Sometimes the signs are reallyobvious and sometimes they're
really sneaky.
One of the big clues is how doyou introduce yourself when
someone asks about you?
Do you immediately lead withyour job title or your family
role?
Imagine sitting at the lastgathering that you had, where
maybe you didn't know anybody.
And someone said, hey, I'mso-and-so.
(11:30):
And you go to shake their handand you're like hey, I'm Dan,
I'm a.
What are you?
How do you answer that question?
Do you answer I'm a nurse, orI'm a mom of three, or I'm an
office manager, and then juststop there.
It's not that being proud ofyour role is wrong.
It's beautiful, it's a greatthing, but when it's the only
(11:52):
thing you say about yourself, itmight be a sign that you've
started to equate your entireworth with what you do for
others.
Another sign is how you feelwhen you're not actively doing
something.
If you find yourself feelingpanicked, lost or even worthless
when you aren't working orhelping or fixing other people,
it might mean that you've tiedyour value too closely to your
(12:13):
productivity.
For example, you might sit downon the couch for 10 minutes and
immediately feel anxious likeyou're wasting your time or
being lazy.
Or maybe a slow weekend feelsunbearable because you're not
accomplishing anything andwithout that sense of doing, you
feel lost.
Rest might not even feel likerest anymore.
It might feel like guilt.
You might hear this littlevoice inside your head saying
(12:36):
you should be doing somethingmore or you don't deserve to
relax.
Yet you haven't done enough.
Even when you're exhausted,even when you've done more than
enough, you still struggle tolet yourself just be.
And maybe the hardestrealization is when you start to
notice that you don't evenreally know what you enjoy
anymore.
You know what you're supposedto do, you know what makes you
(12:57):
look good, you know what peoplearound you expect and what keeps
everyone else happy.
But if someone asked you whatdo you love or what brings you
joy, you might freeze, becausewhen you've spent so much time
living for other people ormeeting everyone else's
expectations, you can lose touchwith what actually lights you
up inside.
(13:18):
I want to share a quick story.
So I was on a date a coupleyears ago and we've been out a
couple times and at one pointthey pulled out one of those
little get-to-know-you carddecks.
You know the kind with.
You know it's got funny andlighthearted questions on there.
That's supposed to sparkconversation.
One of the questions wassomething like if you were a
(13:38):
cartoon character, which onewould best represent you.
Sounds like such a simplequestion, maybe a little bit of
a fun question.
But I just sat there completelystunned, frozen.
The seconds dragged on.
It was painfully awkward.
Stunned, frozen, the secondsdragged on.
It was painfully awkward andsuddenly what was supposed to be
this light, easy moment turnedinto this internal crisis, and I
(14:00):
couldn't even explain what washappening.
At the time I had no idea whatto say Because before I could
even pick a cartoon character, Irealized that I didn't know who
I was.
How could I choose a characterto represent me when I wasn't
even sure what was me?
And it sounds funny now, butthat simple question haunted me
for days after.
(14:20):
It shook something loose insideof me that I couldn't just
shove back down, because thetruth was.
For a long time my identity wasso tied up in what I did my job
, my roles as a mother, myachievements that I hadn't let
much space to even think aboutwho I was underneath all that.
And that silly little question.
It kicked off years ofreflection and healing, learning
(14:43):
how to untangle myself from thelabels that I wore so tightly,
learning how to find peace inmyself again, not because of a
title or because of what I coulddo for other people, but just
because I existed.
And here's the wild part Evennow, I still don't know exactly
which cartoon character I wouldpick to represent me.
But the difference today isthat I'm okay with that.
(15:06):
I can say with confidence thatI am just too many things for
one character to capture.
I'm too complex and instead ofbeing scared of that, I feel
proud of it.
So reconnecting with who you areis a process that takes time.
It might even take a lifetime.
And how can you reconnect withyourself?
First, you need to spend sometime with yourself outside of
(15:29):
your usual roles and listen.
This can feel a little awkwardor even uncomfortable at first,
especially if you're someonewho's used to always being on
for other people, when yourwhole day is usually being the
reliable co-worker, thesupportive friend, maybe the
available parent or the problemsolver.
The idea of just hanging outwith yourself might feel a
(15:50):
little weird.
You might even find yourselfthinking okay, so what now?
Like, what do I do with myself?
I don't even know where tostart.
So start simple.
Think back to some of thehobbies or the activities that
you used to love.
Even if it's been years,there's got to be something in
there that you enjoy doing.
You probably haven't thoughtabout it in a long time, but
things that you like doing whenyou're a teenager, when there
(16:12):
was no other pressures and youjust got to love what you did.
Maybe you used to love drawingor playing music, maybe baking,
spending time outdoors.
Maybe you like to read or buildthings with your hands.
Whatever it is, it doesn'tmatter if you're good at it.
Now.
The point isn't to master it orto be impressive.
The point is just to reconnectwith the parts of yourself that
(16:35):
weren't about being productiveor useful, the parts that
existed just because theybrought you joy.
Let yourself play withcreativity, even if you're
absolutely terrible at it.
Now Bake something new andlaugh even if it turns out badly
.
Maybe scribble in a notebookjust for fun.
You can try painting, eventhough what you create looks
(16:57):
like something a four-year-oldmade.
It's not about the outcome.
It's about the freedom to dosomething just because you want
to.
And if you're not sure where tostart, try sitting with yourself
in a quiet reflection withoutan agenda.
Maybe that looks like going fora slow walk without your phone.
Maybe it's lying on the floorand staring at the ceiling for a
(17:17):
few minutes.
Maybe it's sitting on yourporch with a cup of coffee and
just letting yourself be havingthe birds sing around you.
It doesn't have to be this bigdramatic experience where you
find yourself overnight.
Sometimes the real magichappens in those tiny moments,
in the spaces where you stopperforming and start remembering
.
The more that you give yourselfpermission to be in those
(17:39):
spaces, the more that you'regoing to hear the voice that's
the real you, the you thatexists underneath all of the
noise and all of the rules.
Next, try asking yourself a fewsimple but really powerful
questions.
What brings me joy?
That has nothing to do with myjob, nothing to do with my kids
or anyone else's approval, andmaybe, if no one needed me for
(18:02):
anything today, what would Iwant to do?
These questions are importantbecause they help you get
underneath the layers ofexpectations and into what
actually lights you up, and notjust what makes you feel useful
or praised.
Try introducing yourself tosomebody without leading with
your job or your family role.
How would you do this?
What are some of the thingsthat you would say?
(18:22):
Instead of saying I'm a teacheror I'm a mom of two, try saying
something that reflects in yourheart or your passions, your
values.
You could say something like Ilove to read or I like working
in the garden.
It's going to feel reallystrange at first, but it's
powerful to remind yourself thatyou're a person before you're a
title, and try exploring somenew interests, even if they feel
(18:45):
silly or awkward or way out ofyour comfort zone.
It doesn't matter if you suck.
Try taking a pottery class.
That's something I actuallyplan to do in the next couple
weeks as a date night.
I don't know if I'm going to beany good at pottery.
I like looking at the potterythat other people do, but I'm
probably not going to be good atit.
But you know what?
I'm going to have fun gettingmy hands full of clay and
getting dirty and tryingsomething new.
(19:06):
You can try hiking, startwriting terrible poetry or learn
to play the ukulele, notbecause you have to be good at
it, but because you deserve todo things that make you feel
alive, even if nobody else isthere clapping for you,
untangling your identity fromyour roles, from your
achievements and from your needto be useful all the time.
(19:27):
That's one of the deepest actsof self-love there is.
And yeah, it's going to feelstrange at first.
It might even feel selfish,might feel uncomfortable or
awkward, but it's because it'sso different from what you've
been taught.
But you're allowed to be morethan one thing.
You're allowed to be messy andin process.
You're allowed to be messy andin process.
You're allowed to have layersand interests and sides that
(19:51):
don't fit neatly into a jobtitle or a relationship role.
You're not here just to beuseful.
You're not here just to meetexpectations.
You're allowed to change andevolve.
Who you were five years ago,who you were last year, even who
you were last week, thatdoesn't have to be who you stay
forever.
Growth doesn't mean that you'reabandoning the old you.
(20:13):
It means that you're expanding.
You're making space for yourwhole self to show up.
You are valuable just becauseyou exist, not because of what
you achieve, not because of howmany people you help, not
because of how perfectly youperform.
Just because you're you.
You are enough just as you are.
(20:35):
And that is the title of my newbook, enough as I Am.
It should be coming out in thenext couple weeks.
I'm really excited for you tosee it.
I've been working hard on itfor the last little while.
It's a workbook to really findout who you are and how to stop
people pleasing, how to stopexperiencing chronic guilt, how
to show yourself someself-compassion.
(20:56):
I'm really excited for it.
I'm excited for you to see it.
If you're interested in doingsome journal exercises for this
week.
I've got a couple of questionslined up for you.
If I couldn't describe myselfby my job title, relationship
status or responsibilities, whowould I be and how would I
introduce myself?
What hobbies, dreams or partsof me have I pushed aside while
(21:19):
playing my roles?
What would it look like tobring some of that back now?
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about giving
the silent treatment.
Ouch, I don't know if you'veever been on the receiving end
(21:40):
of the silent treatment, but itis not a good time.
So I look forward to seeing younext week.
Take care for now.
It is not a good time, so Ilook forward to seeing you next
week.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
(22:01):
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Hey everyone and welcome back.
Today I'm talking about tryingto identify too closely with the
roles that we play.
It's something that a lot of usdon't even realize that it's
happening until we start feelingstuck, lost or maybe completely
drained.
Maybe it's your job title,maybe it's being a mom, and
maybe it's being the responsibleone or the helper in your
family.
(00:20):
Whatever it is, it can be soeasy to lose sight of who you
are outside of what you do foreveryone else.
We're going to talk about whythis happens, how to recognize
if it's happening to you and,most importantly, how you can
start reconnecting with the realyou, the person who's
underneath all the titles andresponsibilities.
I know I got stuck doing this.
(00:41):
My worth became tied to mytitle and I know that I'm not
alone, so let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
(01:02):
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:26):
the 39th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
I am so grateful.
Today I woke up in the best moodever.
I had a great night's sleep.
None of my animals vomited inmy bed overnight.
I woke up, the birds weresinging, it was a beautiful day
(01:50):
and I got really excited, and Idon't know why I don't wake up
like this every day, but I guessthat some days are just
specialer than others.
No-transcript to hear from me.
(02:31):
Do you have any topics orquestions that you'd like me to
address on the show?
I'd love to do that.
I do get emails from time totime, so I'd like to share one
with you.
It came from Kim and she says Ilistened to the episode
yesterday and she's referring tothe understanding, the
connection between addiction andmental health.
It was so good and I wasactually able to apply my new
(02:53):
response with positive results.
That's amazing and this is whyI do this.
I love knowing that I'm able tohelp someone out there.
We can all use a little handfrom time to time, but I really
appreciate it when you let meknow that something that I've
done resonated with you or washelpful.
So today I'm talking aboutlosing yourself in what you do
(03:13):
instead of who you are as aperson.
I want to start by sharing alittle story from my own life,
and for those of you who don'tknow, I'm a doctor and I'm
really proud of that.
But for a long time, being adoctor was pretty much the only
thing that I knew what to sayabout myself.
Whenever someone would ask metell me about yourself, I would
just say, oh, I'm a doctor, andI would stop there.
(03:35):
In all fairness, saying thatyou're a doctor usually keeps
the conversation going.
People get curious and they askquestions and there's a lot to
talk about.
But deep down it scared me thatif someone pressed a little
further, I didn't really knowwhat else to say.
I had no idea who I was outsideof that title.
I remember sitting at a jobinterview once and the
(03:56):
interviewer who was across fromme said something like tell me
something interesting aboutyourself.
And I just stared at them.
I was like a deer caught in theheadlights, completely blank.
All I could think was I'm adoctor, but beyond that I didn't
know what to say.
And the thing is, I'm so manythings I'm funny, I'm creative,
(04:17):
I'm curious.
I'm someone who loves learning,I love connection, I love
trying to help people in allkinds of ways, I love animals,
nature and reading.
But I couldn't see any of thatbecause I was so tightly tied to
the role that I thought made meworthy to other people.
I kept working and strivinguntil I had a title that sounded
(04:39):
impressive and one that feltlike it proved that I was enough
for other people.
But somewhere along the way, Ilost sight of the fact that I
was already enough even withoutthe title.
And that's what I want to talkabout today how easy it is to
tie ourselves to the roles thatwe play and how, if we're not
careful, those roles can becomea cage.
(05:01):
We're going to talk about howthis happens, why it's so normal
and, most importantly, how tostart finding your way back to
yourself, the real you that'sunderneath all the titles, the
achievements and all theresponsibilities.
It's so easy to tie youridentity to what you do instead
of who you are and, honestly,most of us are taught to do
(05:22):
exactly that without evenrealizing it, from the time that
we're little.
We get asked what do you wantto be when you grow up, not who
do you want to be as a personwhen you grow up?
So it makes total sense that bythe time we're adults, we
introduce ourselves by our roles.
I'm a doctor, I'm an executive,I'm a mom.
I'm the one who holdseverything together.
I'm the achiever.
(05:42):
I'm the one who holdseverything together.
I'm the achiever, I'm thehelper.
And there's nothing wrong withbeing proud of those roles.
They matter, they're a hugepart of your story.
But the problem comes when thoseroles become the only way that
you see yourself, when you startbelieving that your worth is
tied to how well you perform orhow much you give or how
perfectly you stay inside ofthose labels.
And it happens so easily and soquietly.
(06:06):
You don't even notice.
Until one day you realize ifsomeone took your job title away
, or if your kids grew up andmoved out of the house, or if
people stopped needing you tofix things.
You're not totally sure whoyou'd be without it, and that's
a really unsettling feeling.
It's like building a wholehouse on a foundation that you
didn't realize could shift underyou.
(06:27):
This isn't a personality flaw.
It's something that we'retrained to do, usually without
even realizing it.
Society loves to reward titles.
It rewards productivity andself-sacrifice.
We celebrate being busy, havingimpressive job titles, hitting
milestones and taking care ofeveryone else around us.
We often clap for the peoplewho are working overtime, or the
(06:50):
mom who does it all, or thefriend who never says no.
We tell people you're amazingfor doing all that.
And they are.
It's baked into the way that wetalk to each other, into the
way success is measured, that wetalk to each other, into the
way success is measured.
You rarely ever hear someonebeing praised for just being,
for resting, for playing, forsetting boundaries or for
(07:10):
existing without producingsomething, and a lot of us grew
up in families where we werepraised mostly for what we did
not, for simply being ourselves.
Maybe you got a lot ofattention when you got good
grades, when you helped out,when you made people around you
proud.
Maybe love or approval feltjust a little bit conditional,
tied to how good you were, howmuch you achieved and how much
(07:32):
you gave.
When that's the case, it'scompletely natural to start
believing that doing equalsbeing valuable, that performing
or succeeding or caregiving isthe way that you earn your place
in the world.
I can see examples of that timeand time again in my life.
I'm assuming that most peoplecan see this in their lives as
(07:55):
well and you become tied to thetitles that you've worked hard
to earn.
On top of that, these rolesdoctor, mom, caregiver, achiever
, helper they give a sense ofstructure and safety when
everything else in life feelsuncertain or overwhelming.
It can feel comfortable to tuckyourself into a role and say
(08:15):
this is who I am and this iswhere I belong.
It's a safe place.
It gives you a way to feelanchored, even underneath it.
You start to lose touch withdeeper parts of yourself and
listen, we all do this to someextent.
It's about starting to noticewhere you might have gotten a
little too tightly tied to yourrole and give yourself
(08:36):
permission to untangle from itlittle by little.
There are real risks of tyingyour identity too tightly to a
role because, even though it canfeel safe and even comforting
for a role because even thoughit can feel safe and even
comforting for a long time,eventually it can lead to
feeling lost and disconnected,even exhausted.
You might experience burnout.
When your entire sense of worthis tied to being the helper,
(08:57):
the achiever or the caretaker,it feels almost impossible to
slow down or to take care ofyourself.
You don't know who you arewithout the constant giving,
doing and proving.
For me, sometimes, resting itfeels lazy and saying no seems
selfish.
So you just keep pushing untilyour body or your heart finally
says I can't keep doing thisanymore.
(09:20):
Then there's the fear of change, and this one hits really hard.
If you've spent your whole adultlife pouring yourself into a
career, what happens when youretire?
If you've spent years centeringyour life around raising your
kids, what happens when theyleave the home?
And if you build your worldaround a partnership, what
happens when that partner passesaway or the relationship ends
(09:43):
Suddenly?
You're not just grieving a jobor a life stage or a person.
You're grieving a piece of youridentity.
You're left asking who am I nowthat I'm not needed?
In the same way, where do I fitin now that that role that I
built my life around is gone?
There's also a quiet, achingkind of resentment that can
creep in.
(10:03):
When you spend years living forsomeone else or carrying
someone else's needs, you canstart to feel trapped, even in
roles that you once loved.
You can start to feel trappedeven in roles that you once
loved.
You love your kids and you loveyour work, but part of you
might feel invisible or angry,or tied to being the dependable
one, with no space to just beyourself.
Maybe the hardest part, the onethat sneaks up on you, is the
(10:26):
slow loss of yourself.
The hobbies that you once loved, some things, they just fall
away.
The dreams that you had getpushed off to the side, and the
parts of you that didn't fitinside of your role they get
silenced until you barely evenremember what they are anymore.
You stop asking yourself whatyou want, what you need or even
(10:46):
who you are, when nobody needsanything from you.
And it doesn't happen overnight.
It's this slow, quiet, gentledrift.
And then one day you wake upand you realize, hey, I've built
a life full of people andtitles and responsibilities, but
you don't recognize yourselfinside of it anymore.
So how do you even startnoticing if this is happening in
(11:09):
your own life?
Sometimes the signs are reallyobvious and sometimes they're
really sneaky.
One of the big clues is how doyou introduce yourself when
someone asks about you?
Do you immediately lead withyour job title or your family
role?
Imagine sitting at the lastgathering that you had, where
maybe you didn't know anybody.
And someone said, hey, I'mso-and-so.
(11:30):
And you go to shake their handand you're like hey, I'm Dan,
I'm a.
What are you?
How do you answer that question?
Do you answer I'm a nurse, orI'm a mom of three, or I'm an
office manager, and then juststop there.
It's not that being proud ofyour role is wrong.
It's beautiful, it's a greatthing, but when it's the only
(11:52):
thing you say about yourself, itmight be a sign that you've
started to equate your entireworth with what you do for
others.
Another sign is how you feelwhen you're not actively doing
something.
If you find yourself feelingpanicked, lost or even worthless
when you aren't working orhelping or fixing other people,
it might mean that you've tiedyour value too closely to your
(12:13):
productivity.
For example, you might sit downon the couch for 10 minutes and
immediately feel anxious likeyou're wasting your time or
being lazy.
Or maybe a slow weekend feelsunbearable because you're not
accomplishing anything andwithout that sense of doing, you
feel lost.
Rest might not even feel likerest anymore.
It might feel like guilt.
You might hear this littlevoice inside your head saying
(12:36):
you should be doing somethingmore or you don't deserve to
relax.
Yet you haven't done enough.
Even when you're exhausted,even when you've done more than
enough, you still struggle tolet yourself just be.
And maybe the hardestrealization is when you start to
notice that you don't evenreally know what you enjoy
anymore.
You know what you're supposedto do, you know what makes you
(12:57):
look good, you know what peoplearound you expect and what keeps
everyone else happy.
But if someone asked you whatdo you love or what brings you
joy, you might freeze, becausewhen you've spent so much time
living for other people ormeeting everyone else's
expectations, you can lose touchwith what actually lights you
up inside.
(13:18):
I want to share a quick story.
So I was on a date a coupleyears ago and we've been out a
couple times and at one pointthey pulled out one of those
little get-to-know-you carddecks.
You know the kind with.
You know it's got funny andlighthearted questions on there.
That's supposed to sparkconversation.
One of the questions wassomething like if you were a
(13:38):
cartoon character, which onewould best represent you.
Sounds like such a simplequestion, maybe a little bit of
a fun question.
But I just sat there completelystunned, frozen.
The seconds dragged on.
It was painfully awkward.
Stunned, frozen, the secondsdragged on.
It was painfully awkward andsuddenly what was supposed to be
this light, easy moment turnedinto this internal crisis, and I
(14:00):
couldn't even explain what washappening.
At the time I had no idea whatto say Because before I could
even pick a cartoon character, Irealized that I didn't know who
I was.
How could I choose a characterto represent me when I wasn't
even sure what was me?
And it sounds funny now, butthat simple question haunted me
for days after.
(14:20):
It shook something loose insideof me that I couldn't just
shove back down, because thetruth was.
For a long time my identity wasso tied up in what I did my job
, my roles as a mother, myachievements that I hadn't let
much space to even think aboutwho I was underneath all that.
And that silly little question.
It kicked off years ofreflection and healing, learning
(14:43):
how to untangle myself from thelabels that I wore so tightly,
learning how to find peace inmyself again, not because of a
title or because of what I coulddo for other people, but just
because I existed.
And here's the wild part Evennow, I still don't know exactly
which cartoon character I wouldpick to represent me.
But the difference today isthat I'm okay with that.
(15:06):
I can say with confidence thatI am just too many things for
one character to capture.
I'm too complex and instead ofbeing scared of that, I feel
proud of it.
So reconnecting with who you areis a process that takes time.
It might even take a lifetime.
And how can you reconnect withyourself?
First, you need to spend sometime with yourself outside of
(15:29):
your usual roles and listen.
This can feel a little awkwardor even uncomfortable at first,
especially if you're someonewho's used to always being on
for other people, when yourwhole day is usually being the
reliable co-worker, thesupportive friend, maybe the
available parent or the problemsolver.
The idea of just hanging outwith yourself might feel a
(15:50):
little weird.
You might even find yourselfthinking okay, so what now?
Like, what do I do with myself?
I don't even know where tostart.
So start simple.
Think back to some of thehobbies or the activities that
you used to love.
Even if it's been years,there's got to be something in
there that you enjoy doing.
You probably haven't thoughtabout it in a long time, but
things that you like doing whenyou're a teenager, when there
(16:12):
was no other pressures and youjust got to love what you did.
Maybe you used to love drawingor playing music, maybe baking,
spending time outdoors.
Maybe you like to read or buildthings with your hands.
Whatever it is, it doesn'tmatter if you're good at it.
Now.
The point isn't to master it orto be impressive.
The point is just to reconnectwith the parts of yourself that
(16:35):
weren't about being productiveor useful, the parts that
existed just because theybrought you joy.
Let yourself play withcreativity, even if you're
absolutely terrible at it.
Now Bake something new andlaugh even if it turns out badly
.
Maybe scribble in a notebookjust for fun.
You can try painting, eventhough what you create looks
(16:57):
like something a four-year-oldmade.
It's not about the outcome.
It's about the freedom to dosomething just because you want
to.
And if you're not sure where tostart, try sitting with yourself
in a quiet reflection withoutan agenda.
Maybe that looks like going fora slow walk without your phone.
Maybe it's lying on the floorand staring at the ceiling for a
(17:17):
few minutes.
Maybe it's sitting on yourporch with a cup of coffee and
just letting yourself be havingthe birds sing around you.
It doesn't have to be this bigdramatic experience where you
find yourself overnight.
Sometimes the real magichappens in those tiny moments,
in the spaces where you stopperforming and start remembering
.
The more that you give yourselfpermission to be in those
(17:39):
spaces, the more that you'regoing to hear the voice that's
the real you, the you thatexists underneath all of the
noise and all of the rules.
Next, try asking yourself a fewsimple but really powerful
questions.
What brings me joy?
That has nothing to do with myjob, nothing to do with my kids
or anyone else's approval, andmaybe, if no one needed me for
(18:02):
anything today, what would Iwant to do?
These questions are importantbecause they help you get
underneath the layers ofexpectations and into what
actually lights you up, and notjust what makes you feel useful
or praised.
Try introducing yourself tosomebody without leading with
your job or your family role.
How would you do this?
What are some of the thingsthat you would say?
(18:22):
Instead of saying I'm a teacheror I'm a mom of two, try saying
something that reflects in yourheart or your passions, your
values.
You could say something like Ilove to read or I like working
in the garden.
It's going to feel reallystrange at first, but it's
powerful to remind yourself thatyou're a person before you're a
title, and try exploring somenew interests, even if they feel
(18:45):
silly or awkward or way out ofyour comfort zone.
It doesn't matter if you suck.
Try taking a pottery class.
That's something I actuallyplan to do in the next couple
weeks as a date night.
I don't know if I'm going to beany good at pottery.
I like looking at the potterythat other people do, but I'm
probably not going to be good atit.
But you know what?
I'm going to have fun gettingmy hands full of clay and
getting dirty and tryingsomething new.
(19:06):
You can try hiking, startwriting terrible poetry or learn
to play the ukulele, notbecause you have to be good at
it, but because you deserve todo things that make you feel
alive, even if nobody else isthere clapping for you,
untangling your identity fromyour roles, from your
achievements and from your needto be useful all the time.
(19:27):
That's one of the deepest actsof self-love there is.
And yeah, it's going to feelstrange at first.
It might even feel selfish,might feel uncomfortable or
awkward, but it's because it'sso different from what you've
been taught.
But you're allowed to be morethan one thing.
You're allowed to be messy andin process.
You're allowed to be messy andin process.
You're allowed to have layersand interests and sides that
(19:51):
don't fit neatly into a jobtitle or a relationship role.
You're not here just to beuseful.
You're not here just to meetexpectations.
You're allowed to change andevolve.
Who you were five years ago,who you were last year, even who
you were last week, thatdoesn't have to be who you stay
forever.
Growth doesn't mean that you'reabandoning the old you.
(20:13):
It means that you're expanding.
You're making space for yourwhole self to show up.
You are valuable just becauseyou exist, not because of what
you achieve, not because of howmany people you help, not
because of how perfectly youperform.
Just because you're you.
You are enough just as you are.
(20:35):
And that is the title of my newbook, enough as I Am.
It should be coming out in thenext couple weeks.
I'm really excited for you tosee it.
I've been working hard on itfor the last little while.
It's a workbook to really findout who you are and how to stop
people pleasing, how to stopexperiencing chronic guilt, how
to show yourself someself-compassion.
(20:56):
I'm really excited for it.
I'm excited for you to see it.
If you're interested in doingsome journal exercises for this
week.
I've got a couple of questionslined up for you.
If I couldn't describe myselfby my job title, relationship
status or responsibilities, whowould I be and how would I
introduce myself?
What hobbies, dreams or partsof me have I pushed aside while
(21:19):
playing my roles?
What would it look like tobring some of that back now?
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about giving
the silent treatment.
Ouch, I don't know if you'veever been on the receiving end
(21:40):
of the silent treatment, but itis not a good time.
So I look forward to seeing younext week.
Take care for now.
It is not a good time, so Ilook forward to seeing you next
week.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
(22:01):
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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