May 19, 2025 • 29 mins
If you’ve always been “the strong one,” this episode on emotional neglect may explain why relationships still feel hard.
Emotional neglect isn’t about what happened, but what didn’t.
- Your needs were likely invisible
- You learned to be low-maintenance to feel loved
- You felt “too much” for having emotions
This early conditioning creates:
- Codependency
- People-pleasing
- Attraction to emotionally unavailable partners
At the root is a quiet belief: “If I had just been better, they would have loved me.”
Healing begins when you stop trying to be chosen—and start choosing yourself.
I am so excited to share my codependency recovery workbook with you. Click on the link to be brough to Enough As I Am on Amazon.
🦋 Enough As I Am: Recovery workbook. On Amazon
Email: codependentdoctor@gmail.com
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever found yourself wondering, was my
childhood really that bad?
Or feeling guilty for havingneeds?
Today's episode is definitelyfor you.
This one is for the people whowere the strong ones growing up,
the helpers, the peacemakers,the one who never wanted to rock
the boat.
You might have had a normalupbringing on the surface, but
deep down, you still carry thissense that your emotions were
(00:23):
just a little too much or notenough to matter.
In this episode, I'm breakingdown emotional neglect, that
quiet kind of trauma that oftengoes unnoticed but it leaves a
big mark.
We're talking about howemotional neglect shapes
codependency, how you might feeldrawn to emotionally
unavailable people, the realreason that setting boundaries
(00:45):
feels so terrifying, and whatstarts to shift when you finally
stop chasing love and startchoosing yourself.
If you've ever felt invisible,emotionally drained or like you
have to earn love by beinguseful, this is your invitation
to take a breath, settle in andhear the truth about what you
actually deserve.
So stick around, because we'renot just talking about the hard
(01:08):
stuff here.
We're talking about how to healit.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships.
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
(01:28):
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 45th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:52):
codependent, who thought that Iwas just low maintenance until I
realized I had no idea how toexpress a need without
apologizing first.
Today's episode is going tofocus on emotional neglect, but
before we start, I want to takea minute to focus on what we're
grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times just be grateful,
(02:12):
and if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your eyes
at least once.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways to shift your
mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life.
When we pause to think aboutwhat we're grateful for, even
the little things like maybeyour cup of coffee or maybe a
(02:35):
friend texted you back reallyquickly, it helps our brain to
focus on what's working insteadof what's missing or broken.
It doesn't mean that we ignorethe hard stuff, it just gives us
some balance, like, yeah, todaywas stressful, but also my dog
did this weird thing where heruns in circles and made me
laugh and suddenly there'sperspective.
(02:57):
So, no, it's not going to fixall of your problems, but it
might make them feel a littlelighter all of your problems,
but it might make them feel alittle lighter.
So today I'm grateful that Iknow how to swim, because
yesterday I had a really toughday and I was overbooked with
patients.
I worked 13 hours and because Iwas overbooked, I didn't eat
lunch and I only went to thebathroom once and at the end of
(03:19):
the day I was not happy and Iwas ready to pick a fight with
anyone who came near me.
So I always go for a swim aftermy work day.
I do have some trauma when itcomes to swimming in lakes, but
if you put me in a pool, I feelfree.
I loved feeling that water flowover my skin, feeling
weightless and free, and I swamfor 50 minutes instead of 30,
(03:43):
because after 30 minutes I stillfelt like I needed to relax.
I still hadn't reset my mood,so I stayed in there a little
bit longer and now I just needto make sure that no scheduling
mishaps happen in the future andI'm going to be set.
I also got a letter from Lelandwho says I'm so grateful for my
close group of friends who, nomatter how many times I F up or
(04:06):
have times where I think theyhate me, they always stay there.
I wish I could see thatsometimes.
So I'm truly grateful for myfriends.
Please let me know what you'regrateful for and I'm going to do
my best to give you a shout outon the show.
Leland also sent a reallythoughtful letter about
codependency and friendships andit really hit some powerful
themes like how friendships canbe just as emotionally intense
(04:29):
as romantic relationships, whatit means to rely on someone for
emotional support and how hardit can be to rebuild trust after
conflict.
I really appreciate hisopenness and sharing his story
and over the next coupleepisodes I'm going to be
unpacking each of these topics alittle more deeply.
So stay tuned and, leland,thank you for your letter and I
thank you for being a regularlistener.
(04:51):
So on to the topic of emotionalneglect.
When we hear the word neglect,most of us picture something
really dramatic, like a childleft alone at home, no food in
the fridge and maybe an unsafeenvironment, maybe a parent
passed out on the couch and notbeing able to take care of the
kids.
It's a scene straight out of areally sad movie.
But sometimes neglect can alsobe really quiet.
(05:15):
In fact, emotional neglect isoften so quiet that many of us
don't even realize that we'veexperienced it until much later
in life and realize that we'veexperienced it until much later
in life.
And for many of us who strugglewith codependency, this kind of
neglect is actually where ourstory usually begins.
Emotional neglect isn't aboutwhat happened to you.
(05:35):
It's about what didn't happen.
Maybe your parents werephysically present, you had
lunch packed every day, yourhomework was done and you got
rides to soccer practice.
But if you were scared oroverwhelmed or sad and no one
helped you, name it or comfortyou through it, that's emotional
neglect.
It sounds like you're being toosensitive.
(05:58):
You're fine, just stop cryingor go to your room and calm down
.
And if you were the strong onein the family, maybe the fixer,
the peacemaker or the one whojust didn't cause problems, you
might have learned early on thatemotions were inconvenient,
that you were inconvenient ifyou had needs.
(06:19):
The thing is, emotional neglectdoesn't leave a visible bruise.
There's no dramatic memory topoint out, no one screaming, no
one hitting, no one abandoningyou, and so we don't question it
.
We tell ourselves that we had anormal childhood or nothing
really bad happened.
But that absence of connectionor comfort that shapes us just
(06:43):
as much as the big stuff.
And here's how it ties intocodependency when your emotional
needs weren't met, you may havelearned to overfunction.
You stop asking for help.
You take care of everyone else.
You try to be the easy one, thegood child, the low maintenance
one, the one who's always fine.
You might even pride yourselfon it, like look how chill I am.
(07:05):
I never bother anyone with myproblems.
Meanwhile, you're googling whyam I anxious, for no reason, at
2am, while overthinking a textmessage that you sent three days
ago.
Does this sound familiar to you?
And I know it's hitting a nervefor me?
I remember as a kid asking mymom for longer hugs, just
needing more from heremotionally.
But she had things to do,dinner to make, other
(07:28):
responsibilities that werepulling at her.
And I get that now.
I really do.
But at that time it felt likerejection, like I was asking for
something that was too big ortoo inconvenient.
Another time I was reallystruggling at recess because I
didn't have any friends after Ifailed the third grade and I
told her and I was trying to bebrave, trying to open up and her
(07:50):
response was do you want yourdad to build you a box to hide
in that school?
Now, maybe she was joking, Idon't know, but it really shut
that conversation down realquick and I didn't bring it up
again, not because I was over it, but because I learned that it
wasn't safe to be thatvulnerable.
And here's the thing I trulybelieve that my mom loved me.
(08:10):
I think she did the best shecould with the tools that she
had, but there was this mismatchbetween what I needed and what
she had the capacity to give.
It wasn't malicious, but itstill left a mark.
And now, as a parent myself, Ican see that from the other side
too.
My oldest was just a year oldwhen I went back to school and I
(08:31):
had a second child a few yearsin.
They were 14 years old and 11when I finally graduated.
That's a long time.
That's a lot of late nights, alot of missed moments because I
was studying or working or justtrying to make everything happen
and I gave what I could, andsometimes I made jokes about how
they learned to forage for foodat a really young age and
(08:53):
that's how they survived.
It was meant to be funny, butalso it was a little true.
They were independent becausethey had to be, and they were
easy kids.
I bragged about how easy mykids were to raise, but
sometimes I wonder if that'sbecause they knew that I
couldn't handle much more.
They were good, but maybe theyjust stayed small so that I
(09:15):
wouldn't get overwhelmed.
And that's a hard truth to sitwith, because I know I didn't
mean to neglect them.
I wasn't cold, I wasn't absentin ways that we usually think of
, but I probably didn't alwaysmeet their emotional needs, not
because I didn't care, butbecause I was running on empty
and I didn't have anything elseto give.
(09:35):
And that's the nuance ofemotional neglect that we don't
often talk about.
You can love your kids, you canshow up in big ways and still
sometimes that might not beenough for what they needed.
It's not about blame, it'sabout acknowledgement, about
making the space to say that Idid the best I could, but
(09:56):
sometimes they needed more, andthat's why this kind of neglect
is such an overlooked root ofcodependency.
We don't see it as trauma, butit is.
It's just a quieter kind oftrauma.
So I want to ask you this Wereyour emotions welcomed and
supported growing up, or did youfeel the need to keep them
quiet?
(10:16):
If you're leaning towards asecond one, then you're not
alone, and I'm going to beworking with you through this in
today's episode, because thetruth is emotional neglect
doesn't just stay in childhood.
It grows with us and it weavesitself into how we show up as
adults, in adult relationshipsand how we talk to ourselves and
(10:37):
what we believe that we'reallowed to ask for when your
emotional needs are overlooked.
As a kid, even unintentionally,you might have learned some
subtle but powerful lessons,like your feelings make other
people uncomfortable, or askingfor support is a burden, or if
you want connection, you need toshrink yourself first.
And those lessons don't justmagically disappear because you
(11:01):
turn 18.
They're going to follow youinto adulthood, into your
friendships, your romanticrelationships and even in your
work life, because somewheredeep down you believe that your
(11:22):
pain is inconvenient to others.
You might feel like you'rebeing too sensitive every time
someone disappoints you becauseyou were taught early on that
your expectations are theproblem.
You might downplay your needsor wait until you're completely
overwhelmed before asking forhelp, because asking earlier
would feel dramatic or needy.
Or maybe you've had momentswhere someone offered genuine
(11:45):
care and it made youuncomfortable, because when
you're used to not beingnurtured, being seen and
supported, it can feel reallyunfamiliar and sometimes even a
little suspicious.
This is what emotional neglectdoes.
It quietly shapes the way thatwe see ourselves and how we
believe that we're allowed toexist in relationships.
You start thinking that yourvalue lies in what you do, not
(12:08):
who you are.
You show up for others but youdon't know how to let them show
up for you, and you feel safestwhen you're giving and lost when
you're not.
And maybe deep down you mighthave this lingering fear that
says, what if I'm only lovablewhen I'm useful?
That one belief, often buriedunder years of self-reliance and
(12:30):
over-functioning, becomes akind of emotional blueprint.
It shapes how we move throughthe world, what we expect from
relationships and, maybe mostimportantly, what we're willing
to tolerate.
And maybe, most importantly,what we're willing to tolerate
when your early experiencetaught you that love had to be
earned.
That attention came when youperformed and care came only
when it was convenient forsomeone else.
(12:51):
It's going to wire your nervoussystem to chase the familiar,
even if that familiar isinconsistent, confusing or it
leaves you feeling unseen.
So it's no surprise that manyof us find ourselves drawn to
emotionally unavailable people,not because we want pain, but
because our blueprint tells usthat love is supposed to feel
like longing, like waiting, likemaybe if I just try harder,
(13:14):
they're finally going to chooseme.
So I want to reiterate thisbecause it's so important and we
need to watch out for it.
Emotional neglect in ourchildhood can cause us to feel
drawn to people who don't fullyshow up for us.
As adults.
These are the people who textjust enough to keep you hoping.
They're kind but distant,charming, but emotionally
(13:36):
they're kind of like this lockedfiling cabinet you never quite
know where you stand, butsomething about the chase feels
familiar, even a littleaddictive maybe.
So what's going on here?
This is where I'm going to bringin a concept called repetition
compulsion, which it might soundlike something that you get
diagnosed with on a therapyreality show, but it's actually
really common.
Repetition compulsion is thisunconscious pull to recreate
(14:01):
familiar emotional experiencesfrom the past, especially the
painful ones, in attempt tofinally fix them.
So if you grew up withemotional neglect your needs
were ignored, dismissed, ormaybe you felt like you were
being too much you might findyourself drawn to people who
replicate that dynamic, peoplewho don't fully see you, who
don't meet your needs or whomake you feel like you have to
(14:24):
earn love.
Not because you like sufferingI mean, most of us would
probably prefer to feel securebut because your nervous system
is trying to resolve something.
It's like your brain goes ah,this feels familiar, let's try
this again, and maybe this timeI'm going to get it right.
But who are we kidding?
Because we usually don't.
But we try anyway, over andover and over again.
(14:47):
And I want to break it down withsome signs that you might be
chasing emotional unavailability.
Maybe you find yourself waitingfor texts that never come, or
ones that come a day or twolater with a hey, sorry, I've
just been so busy, and you'relike, oh yeah, they thought of
me, when in reality it wasprobably just some bathroom
scroll.
Or maybe you feel like you'realways the one holding space you
(15:10):
listen, support, comfort, butwhen you're the one struggling.
You hear nothing but cricketsor worse, someone says you're
being dramatic.
You get this rush of euphoriawhen they finally give you a
little attention, like a goodmorning text suddenly erases
three days of silence.
That breadcrumb of affectionhits your system like a dopamine
(15:31):
shot.
And listen, I get it, I've beenthere.
It feels so good to be noticedby the very person who usually
makes you feel invisible.
You feel like maybe you arelovable after all.
But here's the hard truth You'renot just craving the person,
you're craving the relief offinally being chosen.
You're chasing the feeling thatyou didn't get growing up, that
(15:54):
moment where someone finallysees you or chooses you or stays
with you.
And it makes total sense.
If you grew up learning thatlove had to be earned by being
easy, quiet, helpful or lowmaintenance, then of course
you're going to chase people whomake you work for it.
That's what your nervous systemis trained to recognize as love
.
But here's the kicker it's notlove, it's survival mode dressed
(16:17):
up as chemistry.
You think if I can just bebetter, calmer, more
understanding, maybe they'regoing to choose me, maybe
they're finally going to.
But the reality is that whenyou meet the right person, you
don't need to convince them toshow up.
The right person for you isgoing to show up and you don't
need to work for it.
(16:38):
And the problem is that whenyou're used to being neglected
emotionally, someone showing upconsistently might actually feel
a little boring or even alittle scary.
You might ask yourself wait,you're just going to be here
without me chasing you.
What's the catch?
You might be suspicious ofpeople who don't make you work
hard for their love andattention, and it's important to
(16:59):
note that it's not weaknessthat draws you to unavailable
people, it's unhealed neglecttrying to finish the story.
It's your inner child waitingfor someone to come back and say
I see you, you matter and Ichoose you.
But here is where the healingis going to start when you
realize that the person whoshows up consistently for you
(17:20):
can be you, when you stopchasing the ones who won't show
up and start choosing the onewho always can, and that's
yourself.
This is not just woo-wooself-love talk.
It's the nervous systemrepairing itself.
It's breaking the pattern.
It's saying I'm done performingfor love that should have been
mine all along.
You don't need to be chasingthose love breadcrumbs that
(17:44):
others are leaving behind.
You can learn that your needsdeserve to be met, not halfway,
not inconsistently, not onsomeone else's schedule.
I want you to ask met nothalfway, not inconsistently, not
on someone else's schedule.
I want you to ask yourself whatwould change if I stopped
trying to be chosen and startedchoosing myself instead.
That question hits hard, doesn'tit?
Because for a lot of us,especially those of us who grew
(18:07):
up with emotional neglect,choosing ourselves doesn't
always come naturally.
In fact, it can feel a littleselfish and even wrong sometimes
and that's not an accident whenyour emotional needs were
constantly overlooked, dismissedor maybe met with frustration.
It creates this quiet,persistent belief that maybe you
were the problem, maybe youwere too much too emotional, too
(18:31):
needy.
Maybe if you'd just been alittle better, calmer, stronger,
more helpful, someone wouldhave stayed, someone would have
shown up for you.
So instead of questioning theneglect, we internalize it, we
take that blame and that becomesour story that we carry with us
into adulthood.
Even now, you might findyourself thinking I shouldn't
(18:52):
need this much reassurance.
I should be able to handle thisall on my own.
Other people had it worse.
Why am I struggling?
But here's what I want you tohear today the fact that your
needs weren't met doesn't meanthat you were too much.
It means that you weren't givenenough.
And if that belief that theneglect was your fault is still
quietly running the show in yourlife, then it's time to take a
(19:15):
look at it, not with shame, butwith curiosity and with
compassion, because healingdoesn't just mean setting
boundaries or ending toxicrelationships.
It also means unlearning thelie that you were the reason
someone else couldn't love youproperly.
So I want to talk about that alittle bit, because it's one of
the most damaging side effectsof emotional neglect, and that
(19:36):
is the belief that you were theproblem, that if you had just
been better, quieter, easier,smarter, less emotional, more
helpful, then they would haveloved you, they would have
stayed, they would have finallyseen you.
It's this invisible narrativethat many of us carry,
especially those of us whostruggle with codependency.
It's not just my needs didn'tget met, it becomes I must be
(20:01):
bad at needing.
And when you believe that yourbasic emotional needs made you
unlovable, you start twistingyourself into a pretzel just to
be accepted.
You become hyper independentbut secretly wish that someone
would just offer help withoutyou having to ask.
You take care of everyoneelse's emotions, but feel guilty
when yours show up.
Sometimes you're like, oh no,I'm having a human feeling, let
(20:22):
me just bury that under my to-dolist.
And a tight smile.
You become a perfectionist, anoverachiever, the go-to person,
not just because you enjoy it,but because deep down, you're
trying to earn the love that younever got unconditionally.
It's exhausting and confusing,because on the outside you might
look like you've got it alltogether, but on the inside
(20:45):
you're asking why do I feel soempty, even when everything
looks okay?
So let me say this clearly evenwhen everything looks okay.
So let me say this clearly youwere never the problem.
You were a kid or a teen ormaybe even adult with completely
valid emotional needs.
You needed comfort.
You needed safety,encouragement, someone to notice
(21:06):
when you were hurting and maybehelp you through it.
That's not too much.
That's just being human and weall need those things.
If no one could meet you there,that doesn't mean that you were
broken.
It means that they couldn'tmeet you.
Maybe they were overwhelmed,maybe they had their own
unresolved trauma, maybe theyreally did do their best, but
(21:27):
their best still left these gaps.
And now you're left to dealwith it and it's okay to grieve
that You're allowed to mournwhat you didn't get, even if
your parents weren't bad peopleand they did the best with the
tools that they had at the time.
Grief doesn't mean that you'reblaming someone.
It means that you'rerecognizing the truth of your
experience and honoring the painthat came with it.
(21:50):
Your parents, they're going toneed to heal their own
experiences.
You can only manage yourfeeling and your experience, and
it's important to address thisnow because until we name it, we
can't heal it, and that shame,the belief that you were somehow
hard to love, will keep runningin the background, like this
(22:12):
old operating system.
So how are we going to begin torewrite that story?
How do we start healing andchoosing ourselves?
And that's a powerful question.
It probably feels a little bituncomfortable because for a lot
of us, this idea of choosingourselves feels really foreign
and it's not something thatwe're taught.
(22:33):
We were taught to be helpful,to be pleasant, to be low
maintenance, to be useful, butnot necessarily how to be whole.
So what does it actually meanto start choosing yourself?
I can tell you it's not somegrand, dramatic moment where you
flip the table over and declareI'm done with this, though I
must admit that that soundspretty cool and is a little
(22:55):
tempting, but most of the timeit starts in this quieter way,
these small moments where youshow up for yourself in ways
that no one else ever did.
It might look like noticing whenyou're overwhelmed and, instead
of pushing through it like youalways do, you're going to give
yourself permission to pause andmaybe to rest, not because
(23:16):
you've earned it, but becauseyou matter and it's your right
to have.
Choosing yourself can also looklike saying no, not, maybe
later.
Not maybe I'll try and get itdone, but just a clear, simple
no.
Even if it disappoints someone,even if you don't have a
perfect excuse or a PowerPointpresentation to explain it, even
(23:38):
if it makes your stomach dothat flip-floppy thing, because
your gut is telling you thatsomething matters, and this time
you're actually going to belistening.
Sometimes it looks like lettingyourself cry without rushing to
shut it down or explain it away.
You don't apologize, don'tminimize, just allow your
feelings to exist without anyshame, because when you choose
(24:06):
yourself, you're saying myemotions aren't a problem,
they're just part of me and Ideserve space.
And maybe for the first timeyou stop trying to be the one
who fixes everything and insteadask yourself what do I need
right now?
Another huge part of choosingyourself and this one is still
really tough.
For me it's setting boundaries.
Especially when your whole lifehas been centered around
keeping other people happy, whenyou've spent years literally
(24:29):
years performing emotionalacrobatics to keep peace,
boundaries can feel really risky.
You're probably going to hearthat old voice in your head
saying what if they leave?
What if I'm being selfish?
But I want you to hear thisdeep into your bones the people
who are safe for you don'tpunish you for having needs.
(24:50):
They're not going to shame youfor saying no.
They won't make you feel guiltyfor taking up space.
They're not going to disappearjust because you ask for respect
.
When someone cares about you thereal whole, fully feeling you
they want to know what makes youfeel safe.
They want to meet you there,not just when it's convenient
(25:11):
and not just when you're giving,but when you're being human.
Now, if that kind of care feelsunfamiliar or uncomfortable,
that's okay.
It doesn't mean that you'redoing it wrong.
It means that you're doing itdifferently than you ever did
before.
You're creating a new pattern,a new way of being that doesn't
revolve around guilt orperformance or proving your
(25:33):
worth.
It might feel weird, you mightsecond guess yourself, you might
want to shrink back into yourold habits just to keep the
connection, but I promise youthat every time you choose
yourself, even in some small way, you're building something
stronger, you're buildingsomething that's more honest and
something that's actually goingto last.
And now you get to unlearn yourold story.
(25:56):
It's going to be one kind,messy, beautiful step at a time.
So let me ask you again whatwould change if you stopped
trying to be chosen and startedchoosing yourself?
Maybe everything.
I'll let you sit with that onefor a spell.
Just take a deep breath,because today was another heavy
one.
(26:16):
When you come back, I'd reallyappreciate it if you would be so
kind as to follow me and maybeleave a comment.
I'm most active these days onFacebook at the Codependent
Doctor, and threads andInstagram at drangeladowney.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
(26:38):
codependent doctor when I'mgoing to be talking about
codependency in friendships.
Take care, for now You've gotthis.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
(27:00):
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Have you ever found yourself wondering, was my
childhood really that bad?
Or feeling guilty for havingneeds?
Today's episode is definitelyfor you.
This one is for the people whowere the strong ones growing up,
the helpers, the peacemakers,the one who never wanted to rock
the boat.
You might have had a normalupbringing on the surface, but
deep down, you still carry thissense that your emotions were
(00:23):
just a little too much or notenough to matter.
In this episode, I'm breakingdown emotional neglect, that
quiet kind of trauma that oftengoes unnoticed but it leaves a
big mark.
We're talking about howemotional neglect shapes
codependency, how you might feeldrawn to emotionally
unavailable people, the realreason that setting boundaries
(00:45):
feels so terrifying, and whatstarts to shift when you finally
stop chasing love and startchoosing yourself.
If you've ever felt invisible,emotionally drained or like you
have to earn love by beinguseful, this is your invitation
to take a breath, settle in andhear the truth about what you
actually deserve.
So stick around, because we'renot just talking about the hard
(01:08):
stuff here.
We're talking about how to healit.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships.
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
(01:28):
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 45th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:52):
codependent, who thought that Iwas just low maintenance until I
realized I had no idea how toexpress a need without
apologizing first.
Today's episode is going tofocus on emotional neglect, but
before we start, I want to takea minute to focus on what we're
grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times just be grateful,
(02:12):
and if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your eyes
at least once.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways to shift your
mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life.
When we pause to think aboutwhat we're grateful for, even
the little things like maybeyour cup of coffee or maybe a
(02:35):
friend texted you back reallyquickly, it helps our brain to
focus on what's working insteadof what's missing or broken.
It doesn't mean that we ignorethe hard stuff, it just gives us
some balance, like, yeah, todaywas stressful, but also my dog
did this weird thing where heruns in circles and made me
laugh and suddenly there'sperspective.
(02:57):
So, no, it's not going to fixall of your problems, but it
might make them feel a littlelighter all of your problems,
but it might make them feel alittle lighter.
So today I'm grateful that Iknow how to swim, because
yesterday I had a really toughday and I was overbooked with
patients.
I worked 13 hours and because Iwas overbooked, I didn't eat
lunch and I only went to thebathroom once and at the end of
(03:19):
the day I was not happy and Iwas ready to pick a fight with
anyone who came near me.
So I always go for a swim aftermy work day.
I do have some trauma when itcomes to swimming in lakes, but
if you put me in a pool, I feelfree.
I loved feeling that water flowover my skin, feeling
weightless and free, and I swamfor 50 minutes instead of 30,
(03:43):
because after 30 minutes I stillfelt like I needed to relax.
I still hadn't reset my mood,so I stayed in there a little
bit longer and now I just needto make sure that no scheduling
mishaps happen in the future andI'm going to be set.
I also got a letter from Lelandwho says I'm so grateful for my
close group of friends who, nomatter how many times I F up or
(04:06):
have times where I think theyhate me, they always stay there.
I wish I could see thatsometimes.
So I'm truly grateful for myfriends.
Please let me know what you'regrateful for and I'm going to do
my best to give you a shout outon the show.
Leland also sent a reallythoughtful letter about
codependency and friendships andit really hit some powerful
themes like how friendships canbe just as emotionally intense
(04:29):
as romantic relationships, whatit means to rely on someone for
emotional support and how hardit can be to rebuild trust after
conflict.
I really appreciate hisopenness and sharing his story
and over the next coupleepisodes I'm going to be
unpacking each of these topics alittle more deeply.
So stay tuned and, leland,thank you for your letter and I
thank you for being a regularlistener.
(04:51):
So on to the topic of emotionalneglect.
When we hear the word neglect,most of us picture something
really dramatic, like a childleft alone at home, no food in
the fridge and maybe an unsafeenvironment, maybe a parent
passed out on the couch and notbeing able to take care of the
kids.
It's a scene straight out of areally sad movie.
But sometimes neglect can alsobe really quiet.
(05:15):
In fact, emotional neglect isoften so quiet that many of us
don't even realize that we'veexperienced it until much later
in life and realize that we'veexperienced it until much later
in life.
And for many of us who strugglewith codependency, this kind of
neglect is actually where ourstory usually begins.
Emotional neglect isn't aboutwhat happened to you.
(05:35):
It's about what didn't happen.
Maybe your parents werephysically present, you had
lunch packed every day, yourhomework was done and you got
rides to soccer practice.
But if you were scared oroverwhelmed or sad and no one
helped you, name it or comfortyou through it, that's emotional
neglect.
It sounds like you're being toosensitive.
(05:58):
You're fine, just stop cryingor go to your room and calm down
.
And if you were the strong onein the family, maybe the fixer,
the peacemaker or the one whojust didn't cause problems, you
might have learned early on thatemotions were inconvenient,
that you were inconvenient ifyou had needs.
(06:19):
The thing is, emotional neglectdoesn't leave a visible bruise.
There's no dramatic memory topoint out, no one screaming, no
one hitting, no one abandoningyou, and so we don't question it
.
We tell ourselves that we had anormal childhood or nothing
really bad happened.
But that absence of connectionor comfort that shapes us just
(06:43):
as much as the big stuff.
And here's how it ties intocodependency when your emotional
needs weren't met, you may havelearned to overfunction.
You stop asking for help.
You take care of everyone else.
You try to be the easy one, thegood child, the low maintenance
one, the one who's always fine.
You might even pride yourselfon it, like look how chill I am.
(07:05):
I never bother anyone with myproblems.
Meanwhile, you're googling whyam I anxious, for no reason, at
2am, while overthinking a textmessage that you sent three days
ago.
Does this sound familiar to you?
And I know it's hitting a nervefor me?
I remember as a kid asking mymom for longer hugs, just
needing more from heremotionally.
But she had things to do,dinner to make, other
(07:28):
responsibilities that werepulling at her.
And I get that now.
I really do.
But at that time it felt likerejection, like I was asking for
something that was too big ortoo inconvenient.
Another time I was reallystruggling at recess because I
didn't have any friends after Ifailed the third grade and I
told her and I was trying to bebrave, trying to open up and her
(07:50):
response was do you want yourdad to build you a box to hide
in that school?
Now, maybe she was joking, Idon't know, but it really shut
that conversation down realquick and I didn't bring it up
again, not because I was over it, but because I learned that it
wasn't safe to be thatvulnerable.
And here's the thing I trulybelieve that my mom loved me.
(08:10):
I think she did the best shecould with the tools that she
had, but there was this mismatchbetween what I needed and what
she had the capacity to give.
It wasn't malicious, but itstill left a mark.
And now, as a parent myself, Ican see that from the other side
too.
My oldest was just a year oldwhen I went back to school and I
(08:31):
had a second child a few yearsin.
They were 14 years old and 11when I finally graduated.
That's a long time.
That's a lot of late nights, alot of missed moments because I
was studying or working or justtrying to make everything happen
and I gave what I could, andsometimes I made jokes about how
they learned to forage for foodat a really young age and
(08:53):
that's how they survived.
It was meant to be funny, butalso it was a little true.
They were independent becausethey had to be, and they were
easy kids.
I bragged about how easy mykids were to raise, but
sometimes I wonder if that'sbecause they knew that I
couldn't handle much more.
They were good, but maybe theyjust stayed small so that I
(09:15):
wouldn't get overwhelmed.
And that's a hard truth to sitwith, because I know I didn't
mean to neglect them.
I wasn't cold, I wasn't absentin ways that we usually think of
, but I probably didn't alwaysmeet their emotional needs, not
because I didn't care, butbecause I was running on empty
and I didn't have anything elseto give.
(09:35):
And that's the nuance ofemotional neglect that we don't
often talk about.
You can love your kids, you canshow up in big ways and still
sometimes that might not beenough for what they needed.
It's not about blame, it'sabout acknowledgement, about
making the space to say that Idid the best I could, but
(09:56):
sometimes they needed more, andthat's why this kind of neglect
is such an overlooked root ofcodependency.
We don't see it as trauma, butit is.
It's just a quieter kind oftrauma.
So I want to ask you this Wereyour emotions welcomed and
supported growing up, or did youfeel the need to keep them
quiet?
(10:16):
If you're leaning towards asecond one, then you're not
alone, and I'm going to beworking with you through this in
today's episode, because thetruth is emotional neglect
doesn't just stay in childhood.
It grows with us and it weavesitself into how we show up as
adults, in adult relationshipsand how we talk to ourselves and
(10:37):
what we believe that we'reallowed to ask for when your
emotional needs are overlooked.
As a kid, even unintentionally,you might have learned some
subtle but powerful lessons,like your feelings make other
people uncomfortable, or askingfor support is a burden, or if
you want connection, you need toshrink yourself first.
And those lessons don't justmagically disappear because you
(11:01):
turn 18.
They're going to follow youinto adulthood, into your
friendships, your romanticrelationships and even in your
work life, because somewheredeep down you believe that your
(11:22):
pain is inconvenient to others.
You might feel like you'rebeing too sensitive every time
someone disappoints you becauseyou were taught early on that
your expectations are theproblem.
You might downplay your needsor wait until you're completely
overwhelmed before asking forhelp, because asking earlier
would feel dramatic or needy.
Or maybe you've had momentswhere someone offered genuine
(11:45):
care and it made youuncomfortable, because when
you're used to not beingnurtured, being seen and
supported, it can feel reallyunfamiliar and sometimes even a
little suspicious.
This is what emotional neglectdoes.
It quietly shapes the way thatwe see ourselves and how we
believe that we're allowed toexist in relationships.
You start thinking that yourvalue lies in what you do, not
(12:08):
who you are.
You show up for others but youdon't know how to let them show
up for you, and you feel safestwhen you're giving and lost when
you're not.
And maybe deep down you mighthave this lingering fear that
says, what if I'm only lovablewhen I'm useful?
That one belief, often buriedunder years of self-reliance and
(12:30):
over-functioning, becomes akind of emotional blueprint.
It shapes how we move throughthe world, what we expect from
relationships and, maybe mostimportantly, what we're willing
to tolerate.
And maybe, most importantly,what we're willing to tolerate
when your early experiencetaught you that love had to be
earned.
That attention came when youperformed and care came only
when it was convenient forsomeone else.
(12:51):
It's going to wire your nervoussystem to chase the familiar,
even if that familiar isinconsistent, confusing or it
leaves you feeling unseen.
So it's no surprise that manyof us find ourselves drawn to
emotionally unavailable people,not because we want pain, but
because our blueprint tells usthat love is supposed to feel
like longing, like waiting, likemaybe if I just try harder,
(13:14):
they're finally going to chooseme.
So I want to reiterate thisbecause it's so important and we
need to watch out for it.
Emotional neglect in ourchildhood can cause us to feel
drawn to people who don't fullyshow up for us.
As adults.
These are the people who textjust enough to keep you hoping.
They're kind but distant,charming, but emotionally
(13:36):
they're kind of like this lockedfiling cabinet you never quite
know where you stand, butsomething about the chase feels
familiar, even a littleaddictive maybe.
So what's going on here?
This is where I'm going to bringin a concept called repetition
compulsion, which it might soundlike something that you get
diagnosed with on a therapyreality show, but it's actually
really common.
Repetition compulsion is thisunconscious pull to recreate
(14:01):
familiar emotional experiencesfrom the past, especially the
painful ones, in attempt tofinally fix them.
So if you grew up withemotional neglect your needs
were ignored, dismissed, ormaybe you felt like you were
being too much you might findyourself drawn to people who
replicate that dynamic, peoplewho don't fully see you, who
don't meet your needs or whomake you feel like you have to
(14:24):
earn love.
Not because you like sufferingI mean, most of us would
probably prefer to feel securebut because your nervous system
is trying to resolve something.
It's like your brain goes ah,this feels familiar, let's try
this again, and maybe this timeI'm going to get it right.
But who are we kidding?
Because we usually don't.
But we try anyway, over andover and over again.
(14:47):
And I want to break it down withsome signs that you might be
chasing emotional unavailability.
Maybe you find yourself waitingfor texts that never come, or
ones that come a day or twolater with a hey, sorry, I've
just been so busy, and you'relike, oh yeah, they thought of
me, when in reality it wasprobably just some bathroom
scroll.
Or maybe you feel like you'realways the one holding space you
(15:10):
listen, support, comfort, butwhen you're the one struggling.
You hear nothing but cricketsor worse, someone says you're
being dramatic.
You get this rush of euphoriawhen they finally give you a
little attention, like a goodmorning text suddenly erases
three days of silence.
That breadcrumb of affectionhits your system like a dopamine
(15:31):
shot.
And listen, I get it, I've beenthere.
It feels so good to be noticedby the very person who usually
makes you feel invisible.
You feel like maybe you arelovable after all.
But here's the hard truth You'renot just craving the person,
you're craving the relief offinally being chosen.
You're chasing the feeling thatyou didn't get growing up, that
(15:54):
moment where someone finallysees you or chooses you or stays
with you.
And it makes total sense.
If you grew up learning thatlove had to be earned by being
easy, quiet, helpful or lowmaintenance, then of course
you're going to chase people whomake you work for it.
That's what your nervous systemis trained to recognize as love
.
But here's the kicker it's notlove, it's survival mode dressed
(16:17):
up as chemistry.
You think if I can just bebetter, calmer, more
understanding, maybe they'regoing to choose me, maybe
they're finally going to.
But the reality is that whenyou meet the right person, you
don't need to convince them toshow up.
The right person for you isgoing to show up and you don't
need to work for it.
(16:38):
And the problem is that whenyou're used to being neglected
emotionally, someone showing upconsistently might actually feel
a little boring or even alittle scary.
You might ask yourself wait,you're just going to be here
without me chasing you.
What's the catch?
You might be suspicious ofpeople who don't make you work
hard for their love andattention, and it's important to
(16:59):
note that it's not weaknessthat draws you to unavailable
people, it's unhealed neglecttrying to finish the story.
It's your inner child waitingfor someone to come back and say
I see you, you matter and Ichoose you.
But here is where the healingis going to start when you
realize that the person whoshows up consistently for you
(17:20):
can be you, when you stopchasing the ones who won't show
up and start choosing the onewho always can, and that's
yourself.
This is not just woo-wooself-love talk.
It's the nervous systemrepairing itself.
It's breaking the pattern.
It's saying I'm done performingfor love that should have been
mine all along.
You don't need to be chasingthose love breadcrumbs that
(17:44):
others are leaving behind.
You can learn that your needsdeserve to be met, not halfway,
not inconsistently, not onsomeone else's schedule.
I want you to ask met nothalfway, not inconsistently, not
on someone else's schedule.
I want you to ask yourself whatwould change if I stopped
trying to be chosen and startedchoosing myself instead.
That question hits hard, doesn'tit?
Because for a lot of us,especially those of us who grew
(18:07):
up with emotional neglect,choosing ourselves doesn't
always come naturally.
In fact, it can feel a littleselfish and even wrong sometimes
and that's not an accident whenyour emotional needs were
constantly overlooked, dismissedor maybe met with frustration.
It creates this quiet,persistent belief that maybe you
were the problem, maybe youwere too much too emotional, too
(18:31):
needy.
Maybe if you'd just been alittle better, calmer, stronger,
more helpful, someone wouldhave stayed, someone would have
shown up for you.
So instead of questioning theneglect, we internalize it, we
take that blame and that becomesour story that we carry with us
into adulthood.
Even now, you might findyourself thinking I shouldn't
(18:52):
need this much reassurance.
I should be able to handle thisall on my own.
Other people had it worse.
Why am I struggling?
But here's what I want you tohear today the fact that your
needs weren't met doesn't meanthat you were too much.
It means that you weren't givenenough.
And if that belief that theneglect was your fault is still
quietly running the show in yourlife, then it's time to take a
(19:15):
look at it, not with shame, butwith curiosity and with
compassion, because healingdoesn't just mean setting
boundaries or ending toxicrelationships.
It also means unlearning thelie that you were the reason
someone else couldn't love youproperly.
So I want to talk about that alittle bit, because it's one of
the most damaging side effectsof emotional neglect, and that
(19:36):
is the belief that you were theproblem, that if you had just
been better, quieter, easier,smarter, less emotional, more
helpful, then they would haveloved you, they would have
stayed, they would have finallyseen you.
It's this invisible narrativethat many of us carry,
especially those of us whostruggle with codependency.
It's not just my needs didn'tget met, it becomes I must be
(20:01):
bad at needing.
And when you believe that yourbasic emotional needs made you
unlovable, you start twistingyourself into a pretzel just to
be accepted.
You become hyper independentbut secretly wish that someone
would just offer help withoutyou having to ask.
You take care of everyoneelse's emotions, but feel guilty
when yours show up.
Sometimes you're like, oh no,I'm having a human feeling, let
(20:22):
me just bury that under my to-dolist.
And a tight smile.
You become a perfectionist, anoverachiever, the go-to person,
not just because you enjoy it,but because deep down, you're
trying to earn the love that younever got unconditionally.
It's exhausting and confusing,because on the outside you might
look like you've got it alltogether, but on the inside
(20:45):
you're asking why do I feel soempty, even when everything
looks okay?
So let me say this clearly evenwhen everything looks okay.
So let me say this clearly youwere never the problem.
You were a kid or a teen ormaybe even adult with completely
valid emotional needs.
You needed comfort.
You needed safety,encouragement, someone to notice
(21:06):
when you were hurting and maybehelp you through it.
That's not too much.
That's just being human and weall need those things.
If no one could meet you there,that doesn't mean that you were
broken.
It means that they couldn'tmeet you.
Maybe they were overwhelmed,maybe they had their own
unresolved trauma, maybe theyreally did do their best, but
(21:27):
their best still left these gaps.
And now you're left to dealwith it and it's okay to grieve
that You're allowed to mournwhat you didn't get, even if
your parents weren't bad peopleand they did the best with the
tools that they had at the time.
Grief doesn't mean that you'reblaming someone.
It means that you'rerecognizing the truth of your
experience and honoring the painthat came with it.
(21:50):
Your parents, they're going toneed to heal their own
experiences.
You can only manage yourfeeling and your experience, and
it's important to address thisnow because until we name it, we
can't heal it, and that shame,the belief that you were somehow
hard to love, will keep runningin the background, like this
(22:12):
old operating system.
So how are we going to begin torewrite that story?
How do we start healing andchoosing ourselves?
And that's a powerful question.
It probably feels a little bituncomfortable because for a lot
of us, this idea of choosingourselves feels really foreign
and it's not something thatwe're taught.
(22:33):
We were taught to be helpful,to be pleasant, to be low
maintenance, to be useful, butnot necessarily how to be whole.
So what does it actually meanto start choosing yourself?
I can tell you it's not somegrand, dramatic moment where you
flip the table over and declareI'm done with this, though I
must admit that that soundspretty cool and is a little
(22:55):
tempting, but most of the timeit starts in this quieter way,
these small moments where youshow up for yourself in ways
that no one else ever did.
It might look like noticing whenyou're overwhelmed and, instead
of pushing through it like youalways do, you're going to give
yourself permission to pause andmaybe to rest, not because
(23:16):
you've earned it, but becauseyou matter and it's your right
to have.
Choosing yourself can also looklike saying no, not, maybe
later.
Not maybe I'll try and get itdone, but just a clear, simple
no.
Even if it disappoints someone,even if you don't have a
perfect excuse or a PowerPointpresentation to explain it, even
(23:38):
if it makes your stomach dothat flip-floppy thing, because
your gut is telling you thatsomething matters, and this time
you're actually going to belistening.
Sometimes it looks like lettingyourself cry without rushing to
shut it down or explain it away.
You don't apologize, don'tminimize, just allow your
feelings to exist without anyshame, because when you choose
(24:06):
yourself, you're saying myemotions aren't a problem,
they're just part of me and Ideserve space.
And maybe for the first timeyou stop trying to be the one
who fixes everything and insteadask yourself what do I need
right now?
Another huge part of choosingyourself and this one is still
really tough.
For me it's setting boundaries.
Especially when your whole lifehas been centered around
keeping other people happy, whenyou've spent years literally
(24:29):
years performing emotionalacrobatics to keep peace,
boundaries can feel really risky.
You're probably going to hearthat old voice in your head
saying what if they leave?
What if I'm being selfish?
But I want you to hear thisdeep into your bones the people
who are safe for you don'tpunish you for having needs.
(24:50):
They're not going to shame youfor saying no.
They won't make you feel guiltyfor taking up space.
They're not going to disappearjust because you ask for respect
.
When someone cares about you thereal whole, fully feeling you
they want to know what makes youfeel safe.
They want to meet you there,not just when it's convenient
(25:11):
and not just when you're giving,but when you're being human.
Now, if that kind of care feelsunfamiliar or uncomfortable,
that's okay.
It doesn't mean that you'redoing it wrong.
It means that you're doing itdifferently than you ever did
before.
You're creating a new pattern,a new way of being that doesn't
revolve around guilt orperformance or proving your
(25:33):
worth.
It might feel weird, you mightsecond guess yourself, you might
want to shrink back into yourold habits just to keep the
connection, but I promise youthat every time you choose
yourself, even in some small way, you're building something
stronger, you're buildingsomething that's more honest and
something that's actually goingto last.
And now you get to unlearn yourold story.
(25:56):
It's going to be one kind,messy, beautiful step at a time.
So let me ask you again whatwould change if you stopped
trying to be chosen and startedchoosing yourself?
Maybe everything.
I'll let you sit with that onefor a spell.
Just take a deep breath,because today was another heavy
one.
(26:16):
When you come back, I'd reallyappreciate it if you would be so
kind as to follow me and maybeleave a comment.
I'm most active these days onFacebook at the Codependent
Doctor, and threads andInstagram at drangeladowney.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
(26:38):
codependent doctor when I'mgoing to be talking about
codependency in friendships.
Take care, for now You've gotthis.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
(27:00):
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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