June 16, 2025 • 27 mins
Have you ever felt the quiet pressure to “just get over it” after someone broke your trust?
Maybe they apologized. Maybe they didn’t. But something inside you still feels unsettled.
Trust doesn’t rebuild overnight. It takes consistency, accountability, and the slow return of emotional safety—not just a quick “I’m sorry.”
In this episode, we explore:
- Why trust feels like emotional debt, not a switch you can flip
- How codependent patterns make rebuilding trust even harder
- The difference between true accountability vs. shame spirals
- How emotional safety is rebuilt through small, steady moments
- Why your healing timeline matters—and why it’s okay to take your time
Whether you’re trying to rebuild trust or deciding if a relationship can be repaired, this episode offers practical guidancefor moving forward in ways that feel right for you.
✨Connect with me on Instagram or Threads @drangeladowney—and don’t forget to share what you’re grateful for today.
I am so excited to share my codependency recovery workbook with you. Click on the link to be brough to Enough As I Am on Amazon.
🦋 Enough As I Am: Recovery workbook. On Amazon
Email: codependentdoctor@gmail.com
S...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm so glad you're here, because today's episode is
a big one.
We're talking about somethingthat so many of us have
experienced but don't alwaysknow how to navigate what
happens when someone that youcare about breaks your trust?
This episode is for you ifyou've ever hurt someone close
or felt that quiet or maybe notso quiet pressure to just get
(00:20):
over it.
Maybe they apologized, maybethey didn't.
Maybe everyone around you istelling you to be the bigger
person, but something inside ofyou still feels really unsettled
.
We're going to dig into thattoday.
We'll talk about why trustdoesn't rebuild overnight, how
to own your own part withoutshame, what rebuilding emotional
safety really looks like, whyyour feelings get to make the
(00:44):
timeline, and how to know if arelationship can truly be
repaired.
There's so much good stuffcoming your way.
So, whether you're in themiddle of repairing something or
still deciding if you even wantto, you'll want to stick around
.
This episode is all aboutgiving you tools, language and
permission to move forward in away that actually feels good for
you.
So let's dive in to moveforward in a way that actually
(01:05):
feels good for you.
So let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
(01:26):
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 50th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I cannot believe this is the50th episode.
It's crazy to me, but I am yourhost, dr Angela Downey, a
(01:51):
family doctor and fellowcodependent who's here to talk
to you about rebuilding trust,because you're going to need
more than just eye contact and awell-timed meme to fix things.
Before I start the episode, Iwant to take a minute to focus
on what we're all grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times just be grateful,
and if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your eyes
(02:11):
at least once.
But here's the thing gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways to shift your
mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life, when
we pause to think about whatwe're grateful for, even the
small stuff like a good cup ofcoffee or a friend who texts
back really quickly.
It helps our brain focus onwhat's working instead of what's
(02:33):
missing or broken, like, yes,today was really stressful, but
also I found a $5 bill in mycoat pocket and I felt like the
universe was giving me some tipfor surviving.
So, no, it's not going to fixall of your problems, but it
might make them feel a littlelighter.
So today I'm really gratefulfor the rain.
My plants they desperately needit but, more importantly, so
(02:55):
does our province.
With several wildfires that areburning across Manitoba, this
rain is going to bring muchneeded relief.
There have been tragic losses.
My heart goes out to everyonewho's been affected.
So I'm grateful for the rainand I'm grateful for my safety
and my home.
Today we're going to be talkingabout rebuilding trust after
(03:17):
conflict, which is one of thosethings that sounds noble in
theory, but in real life it'sreally messy and there are so
many layers to it, and it takesway more patience and
vulnerability than most of uswere ever taught to give or to
receive.
Now, trust is one of thosequiet things that you don't
always notice when it's there,but the second that it's broken
(03:38):
you're going to feel iteverywhere.
There's a line from the moviethe Family man that I've never
forgotten.
It's from Arnie, who playsJeremy Piven, and he says the
Fidelity Bank and Trust is atough creditor and honestly,
he's not wrong.
Once trust is broken, whetherfrom a lie, a betrayal or
(03:58):
emotional abandonment or evenjust the pattern of not showing
up, it's like going intoemotional debt and the repayment
plan is not always flexible.
Rebuilding trust is a slow,intentional process.
It's going to take time,consistency and often a deep
learning of what safety lookslike in that relationship,
(04:20):
because that bank it keeps arecord.
And rebuilding doesn't meanpretending that the debt was
never there.
It means slowly and carefullyproving that you can be
emotionally solvent again.
Maybe someone broke your trust,or maybe you broke theirs, or
maybe you're both trying toclean up the emotional debris
after a fight that left therelationship feeling really
(04:42):
shaky.
There are so many ways thattrust can get damaged.
It might be infidelity, whetherthat's physical or emotional,
maybe having an argument orleaving the relationship or
friendship lying, even the kindthat was meant to protect
someone, breaking a promise orconstantly changing their plans,
emotional abandonment duringthe hard times or not showing up
(05:05):
when it mattered the most,whatever it was.
Rebuilding trust is going totake more than a quick I'm sorry
and a promise to do better.
It's going to take showing upagain and again in these really
small and consistent ways.
It takes honesty andaccountability and emotional
safety, and sometimes a wholelot of self-soothing while you
(05:27):
try not to spiral about whetheror not things are ever going to
go back to the way that theywere.
And if you're someone who'sexperienced codependency, this
work can be really trickybecause sometimes we forgive a
little too quickly.
We might blame ourselves orkeep trying to fix a dynamic
that we didn't even break, justso that we don't lose that
(05:47):
connection.
Rebuilding trust isn't aboutrestoring what was.
It's about creating somethingmore honest and grounded and
emotionally safe than whatexisted before.
Rebuilding trust it's not justa moment, it's a whole process,
and that can be reallyfrustrating because we want this
clear resolution, we want afixed problem, we want a moment
(06:10):
where someone says I'm sorry andwe respond with okay and we
both move on fully healed.
But the truth is that it's justnot how it works.
Truth doesn't come back all atonce.
It comes back really slowly, insmall and often really
unglamorous moments.
It's rebuilt in the in-betweenspaces, when someone follows
(06:31):
through on what they say thatthey're going to do, when they
show up on time, when they tellthe truth even if it's
uncomfortable, when they don'tshut down during hard
conversations.
It's those quiet, little,steady moments that begin to
create emotional safety again.
And if you're the person who'strying to rebuild that trust if
you broke it, it's important toknow that genuine apology is
(06:53):
just a starting point.
It's going to open the door,but it's nowhere near the full
repair.
You can say that you're sorryand really mean it, but if your
behavior doesn't start to shiftin a consistent way, the other
person is still going to feelunsafe, because words might
sound good, but it's consistencythat's going to build trust,
not promises, not explanationsand not a well-written paragraph
(07:17):
of remorse.
And I know this is the partwhere a lot of us get stuck,
because we're going to saythings like what else can I do?
I've already said I'm sorrylike a hundred times and I get
it.
But the real question is iswhat are you doing differently
now?
What are you showing the otherperson, not just once, but again
and again that tells them thatthey're going to be safe with
(07:39):
you.
Again tells them that they'regoing to be safe with you again.
And here's the thing that's hardfor all of us to accept,
especially those of us withcodependent tendencies Even if
you're doing all the rightthings now, you don't get to
control the timeline.
You don't get to decide whenthe other person should trust
you again.
That part it's not up to youand that can be so painful
(08:00):
because you're doing all thework.
Maybe you're trying and maybeyou've really changed.
But rebuilding trust happens atthe speed of safety, and safety
looks different for everyone.
There will be setbacks.
Maybe they're going to pullaway one day or question your
intentions or bring up the pastwhen you thought you were over
it.
That doesn't necessarily meanthat the trust is gone again.
(08:22):
It just means that they'restill healing.
And if you're the one doing therebuilding, part of that
process is holding space forthose moments without
defensiveness.
And if you're the one who'sbeen hurt, if trust was broken
against you, you're allowed totake your time.
You don't have to rushforgiveness just because someone
says that they're sorry.
You're not cold or withholdingjust for needing consistency
(08:43):
before your nervous system feelssafe again.
Trust doesn't rebuild in astraight line.
It's often two steps forwardand one step back, maybe a pause
, a stumble, repair and repeat.
That's not failure, that's justhuman nature.
And it's okay if it's messy.
It's okay if it's taking longerthan anyone expected, because
when trust is finally restorednot just on the surface, but
(09:06):
deep down where it counts it'snot because someone got over it,
it's because you worked throughit together.
So, whether you're the onedoing the rebuilding or the one
deciding if trust can be rebuiltat all, try to be gentle, stay
curious, keep showing up.
You're doing the real work andthat's what's going to matter.
So once we understand that trustis rebuilt slowly, that it
(09:29):
doesn't just snap back intoplace because someone said
they're sorry, the next piece isoften the hardest for people,
especially for those of us whoare deeply self-aware, maybe a
little perfectionistic, maybe alittle codependent.
It's the part where we have toown our own part without
collapsing into shame.
Because here's the thingAccountability.
It's not the same thing asself-blame.
(09:51):
It's not about beating yourselfup or turning yourself into the
villain of the story.
It's not about spiraling into Ialways ruin everything or I'm
the worst person in the world.
That's not accountability,that's shame, and shame can be
really sticky.
It doesn't lead to healing.
It's going to lead to hiding orto shutting down because you
(10:12):
want to avoid the realconversation.
But true accountability it'sabout honesty.
It's about looking at themoment and saying, yeah, I
messed up, I didn't show up theway I wanted to, and I see that
it hurt you and I know it'sreally tempting to explain, to
clarify your intent and to say Ididn't mean it that way, or I
(10:33):
was under so much stress, or youhave to understand where I'm
coming from.
And, yeah, context is going tomatter, but intent doesn't
cancel out impact.
Someone can be hurt, even if wedidn't mean to hurt them, and
sometimes the most healing thingthat we can say is I hear you
and I'm sorry that my actionsmade you feel that way.
(10:54):
That's it, that's the work andthat's where the repair is going
to begin.
Anyone can say they're sorry.
I've said sorry for things thatI didn't even do just to avoid
conflict.
I've said sorry for things thatI didn't even do just to avoid
conflict.
I've also said sorry in theclassic Canadian way Oops, sorry
when someone else bumped intome.
You know the drill.
But a real apology, one that isgoing to rebuild trust, that
(11:15):
kind of apology has actionsbehind it.
It shows up in changed behavior.
It shows up in follow through,in learning and applying, and
showing up differently the nexttime.
You can say sorry withoutgroveling, you can be
accountable without giving upany of your dignity, and you can
hold your own truth while stillacknowledging someone else's
(11:36):
pain.
Those two things.
They're not opposite, they cancoexist.
You might say it wasn't myintent to shut you out and I can
see how.
That's what happened.
I'm really sorry.
Or I didn't realize how muchthat affected you.
Thank you for letting me know.
I want to do better Because, atthe end of the day, shame is
going to keep us stuck.
(11:56):
It says don't look at that,don't admit it, you'll lose
everything, but ownership.
That's what actually moves usforward.
That's what says I can facethis and I can be responsible
without being crushed by it, andI can grow from it.
So if you're carrying guilt forsomething that you've done,
maybe something that you regret,just ask yourself am I stuck in
(12:17):
shame or am I stepping intoownership?
Because one keeps you frozenand the other is going to bring
you closer, closer to yourselfand to the people that you care
about.
So, once you've owned your partwithout spiraling into shame,
and you've offered a realapology.
The next layer of repair isabout rebuilding.
You feel safe enough to beyourself in the relationship
(12:52):
again.
Can I say the hard thingwithout being punished for it?
Can I bring up the feelingswithout being shut down or
dismissed or told that I'm toosensitive?
After conflict, especially abig conflict, the nervous system
is going to stay on alert.
Even if things are calm now,your body might still be bracing
for the next explosion or thenext withdrawal or the next
(13:15):
moment where you're going to beleft hanging emotionally.
It's like emotional whiplashand no, a single apology isn't
going to make your nervoussystem say, oh, yes, well,
everything's good now.
I feel safe now.
Rebuilding emotional safetymeans that you're creating a
space where honesty doesn't feeldangerous.
It means that the relationshipbecomes a place where you can be
(13:37):
vulnerable without fearingbacklash, and that's going to
take more than just words.
It's going to take tone andpresence and consistency and
sometimes softening up a littlebit.
Genuine communication is goingto go a long way here, and so
does soft body language.
I don't mean that you need towhisper everything in some
(13:58):
smooth yoga voice or maintainconstant eye contact like you're
in a staring contest, but theway that you say things is going
to matter.
The timing matters.
Where you have the conversationis going to matter.
Your posture, your facialexpressions, your pacing, it all
communicates safety or threat,and when someone's been hurt,
(14:19):
they're going to be reading intoall of it.
It also helps to say the quietthings out loud, like I know
I've hurt you and I'm notexpecting you to trust me right
away.
I just want to show you thatI'm here and that I'm committed
to doing things better, that onesentence can be more reassuring
than a dozen explanations.
And here's something that'sreally going to shift the
(14:40):
dynamic.
Ask them directly what do youneed from me right now to feel
safe again?
Not asking in a defensive way,not in a just tell me what you
want me to do so we can move on,kind of way, but in a genuine
curiosity, and then actuallylisten to the answer that they
give you.
You might not be able to meetall of their requests, but even
(15:02):
asking the question shows thatyou're engaged in their
experience, not just trying tomove past it.
And if you're the one who's beenhurt, if you're trying to feel
safe again, know that it's okayto need reassurance.
It's okay to need morecheck-ins, it's okay to need
more eye contact, more clarity.
You're not being clingy, you'rejust healing.
(15:22):
And if the other person isn'twilling to help create that
safety for you, then that'sinformation in itself.
You can't rebuild trust in aspace that still feels unsafe.
This is all part of the processand it's going to take time and
it can be really uncomfortable.
Sometimes you might feel likeyou're walking on eggshells at
first or worried that you'regoing to say the wrong thing,
(15:45):
but emotional safety isn't aboutbeing perfect.
It's about being present andbeing open and showing up again,
even if it's a little messy,because that's what's going to
make your relationship strongerNot just avoiding conflict, but
being able to come back from itwith more honesty and softness
and more care than you hadbefore.
So take your time here.
(16:06):
You can let this be slow, youcan let it be awkward, and
remember that rebuildingemotional safety is just as
important if not more so thanany grand gestures of repair,
because without it, trustdoesn't really have a place to
land.
So if you've been listening tothis and thinking, okay, great,
but what if I'm the one who gothurt?
What if I'm still not okay,then please know that it's okay
(16:29):
and you're allowed to need time.
Even if they apologized, evenif they're saying all the right
things now and even if part ofyou wants to forgive them and
move forward.
But another part of you is stilla little bit on the edge,
you're still hurt and feeling alittle bit unsure.
That doesn't mean that you'reholding a grudge.
So often when someone hurts usand then apologizes, we feel
(16:50):
pressure to flip on thatemotional switch to say, okay,
everything's better now, justbecause they said sorry, Because
they're trying and because wedon't want to be difficult or
cold or make things feel moreawkward than they already are.
But here's something that'sreally important to remember
Forgiveness and trust are notthe same thing.
You can forgive someonehonestly, fully and with love in
(17:12):
your heart and still not beready to trust them again.
You can hold compassion for whythey did what they did and
still need space from them whileyou heal.
You can love someone deeply andstill not feel safe letting
them all the way back in yet.
And that doesn't make you cruel.
It doesn't make you emotionallyunavailable.
Trust in itself is a boundary.
It doesn't make you emotionallyunavailable.
(17:33):
Trust in itself is a boundary.
It's something that you get togive when and if someone earns
it back, not on demand.
So if you're the one who washurt, give yourself permission
to watch more than you listen.
Words are going to matter, butactions they matter more,
especially when trust has beenbroken.
It's okay to say I hear you andI appreciate what you're saying
(17:54):
, but I still need time to seeif your actions line up with
your words.
That's not being cold, that'sjust being honest and please
don't gaslight yourself just tokeep the peace.
This happens all the time incodependent dynamics.
You start to doubt your ownfeelings, you start to minimize
the impact of what happened.
You start saying things likemaybe I'm just overreacting or I
(18:15):
should just be grateful thatthey're trying and suddenly
you're making emotional spacefor everyone else, but not for
yourself.
But your hurt is real, even ifit wasn't intentional, even if
the other person is trying nowand even if you're still in love
with them.
That hurt still needs tendingto.
And, trust me, you don't needto earn your right to feel what
(18:36):
you feel.
You don't need a perfect casefile of evidence before you're
allowed to say you know what.
Something just doesn't feelright.
Here You're allowed to protectyour peace.
You're allowed to take yourtime and you're allowed to say I
want this to work, but I needto feel safe first.
And everyone who's truly doingthe work to rebuild trust with
you, they're going to understandthat they're not going to
(18:58):
pressure you to rush, they won'ttell you to get over it.
They're going to keep showingup with softness and patience
and humility, knowing that trustisn't something that you demand
.
It's something that you earnday by day, gesture by gesture.
So whether you're in thatprocess, whether you're just
starting to open up again orstill unsure whether you even
(19:19):
want to, it's okay.
You don't need to rush yourhealing just to make someone
else comfortable.
Let your pace be your power.
So if you've been the one whowas hurt and you've given
yourself permission to take yourtime, eventually there comes
this moment where you have toask do I want to rebuild this?
And if the answer is yes, ifthere's enough care and
(19:40):
willingness and safety to moveforward, the next step is
figuring out how to do ittogether, because rebuilding
trust it's not a solo project.
It's not just a one personapologizing and the other person
deciding if it's good enough.
It's not one partner doing allthe emotional labor, while the
other one just waits to be letback in.
(20:01):
True repair, lasting repair it'sgoing to take effort on both
sides and that might mean havingthe same conversation more than
once, not because you're stuckin the past, but because
sometimes clarity it comes inlayers.
You might talk it through,sleep on it and then realize
that you have more to say orsomething new clicks or you get
(20:21):
triggered again and need morereassurance.
That doesn't mean that you'refailing at repairing things.
That just means that you're init.
You're staying with the process, even when it's uncomfortable
and honestly, that's a sign ofcare.
One of the most grounding thingsthat you can do in that process
is to shift the focus from whatwent wrong to how do we want to
(20:42):
show up for each other movingforward.
Because it's easy to stay inthe problem.
We start rehashing the mistakes, the misunderstandings and the
hurt, but eventually the pathforward has to be about building
something new, and that mightsound like I want to feel like I
can come to you with the hardthings, or I want to feel more
emotionally safe when we'restressed.
(21:02):
I want us to check in more, notjust when something's wrong,
but because we care, and thosegoals don't have to be big.
In fact, the smaller and themore doable they are, the more
powerful that they're going tobe.
You'd be surprised what adifference those little things
are going to make Sending athoughtful text just to say I'm
thinking of you, maybe offeringa hug before jumping into
(21:24):
problem solving, or just makingreal eye contact when someone's
trying to be vulnerable.
These tiny moments are wheretrust is going to start to
regrow.
It doesn't come back in thisweeping moment of forgiveness
with dramatic music playing inthe background.
It's going to come back whensomeone stays kind during this
really tense conversation, whenthey show that they're really
(21:44):
listening, when they react toyour pain with softness instead
of defensiveness.
That's when your nervous systemstarts to say okay, maybe I can
start to relax here a littlebit again.
And this is going to go bothways.
It's not just about what theyneed to do for you or what you
need to do for them.
It's about learning how to meeteach other differently, in a
(22:06):
way that feels more grounded andhonest than before.
It's rebuilding together, notwaiting alone in separate
corners to see who flinchesfirst.
And look, none of us do thisperfectly.
There are still going to be alot of messy moments.
You're both going to slip upand you might even revert to
some of your old patterns.
But if you can keep returningto that shared commitment to be
(22:29):
kind, to be clear, to keeptrying, then trust is still
going to grow.
It's going to grow slowly andgently and really honestly.
So, whether you're in your ownprocess or whether you're the
one who was hurt, the one tryingto rebuild, or both, I just
want to remind you that trustcan be rebuilt, but it's going
(22:49):
to take time and softness andpatience and mutual effort
between the two of you and, mostimportantly, it's going to take
self-compassion, because, nomatter how strong the
relationship is, you're stillhuman and so are they.
Conflict doesn't have to be theend of your connection.
When it's handled with care, itcan become the beginning of
(23:09):
something more honest and moregrounded and more real than what
you had before.
I'd really love to hear from youIf you've been through
something that requiredrebuilding trust, whether in a
friendship or relationship orwith yourself.
I'd love to know what helped,what made a difference.
And, while you're at it, tellme something that you're
grateful for, whether it's bigor small.
(23:31):
Maybe you had a hard day, butyour dog sat at your feet just
when you needed more comfort.
Maybe your friend texted yousomething funny.
Maybe you finally said I'msorry and really meant it.
You can find me on threads orInstagram at drangeladowney, and
on Facebook at the codependentdoctor.
I love hearing your stories andbeing part of this community
with you.
(23:51):
You don't have to do healingall alone, and sharing what's
real is part of how we all grow.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday and I wish you all a great
week as you learn to foster abetter relationship with the
most important person in yourlife yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when we'regoing to talk about forgiving
your parents.
They did their best, but whathappens when you needed just a
(24:13):
little more?
Take care, for now You've gotthis.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click like and subscribe so youdon't miss any future episodes
and to help others who mightbenefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing seniordoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(24:35):
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
I'm so glad you're here, because today's episode is
a big one.
We're talking about somethingthat so many of us have
experienced but don't alwaysknow how to navigate what
happens when someone that youcare about breaks your trust?
This episode is for you ifyou've ever hurt someone close
or felt that quiet or maybe notso quiet pressure to just get
(00:20):
over it.
Maybe they apologized, maybethey didn't.
Maybe everyone around you istelling you to be the bigger
person, but something inside ofyou still feels really unsettled
.
We're going to dig into thattoday.
We'll talk about why trustdoesn't rebuild overnight, how
to own your own part withoutshame, what rebuilding emotional
safety really looks like, whyyour feelings get to make the
(00:44):
timeline, and how to know if arelationship can truly be
repaired.
There's so much good stuffcoming your way.
So, whether you're in themiddle of repairing something or
still deciding if you even wantto, you'll want to stick around
.
This episode is all aboutgiving you tools, language and
permission to move forward in away that actually feels good for
you.
So let's dive in to moveforward in a way that actually
(01:05):
feels good for you.
So let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
(01:26):
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 50th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I cannot believe this is the50th episode.
It's crazy to me, but I am yourhost, dr Angela Downey, a
(01:51):
family doctor and fellowcodependent who's here to talk
to you about rebuilding trust,because you're going to need
more than just eye contact and awell-timed meme to fix things.
Before I start the episode, Iwant to take a minute to focus
on what we're all grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times just be grateful,
and if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your eyes
(02:11):
at least once.
But here's the thing gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways to shift your
mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life, when
we pause to think about whatwe're grateful for, even the
small stuff like a good cup ofcoffee or a friend who texts
back really quickly.
It helps our brain focus onwhat's working instead of what's
(02:33):
missing or broken, like, yes,today was really stressful, but
also I found a $5 bill in mycoat pocket and I felt like the
universe was giving me some tipfor surviving.
So, no, it's not going to fixall of your problems, but it
might make them feel a littlelighter.
So today I'm really gratefulfor the rain.
My plants they desperately needit but, more importantly, so
(02:55):
does our province.
With several wildfires that areburning across Manitoba, this
rain is going to bring muchneeded relief.
There have been tragic losses.
My heart goes out to everyonewho's been affected.
So I'm grateful for the rainand I'm grateful for my safety
and my home.
Today we're going to be talkingabout rebuilding trust after
(03:17):
conflict, which is one of thosethings that sounds noble in
theory, but in real life it'sreally messy and there are so
many layers to it, and it takesway more patience and
vulnerability than most of uswere ever taught to give or to
receive.
Now, trust is one of thosequiet things that you don't
always notice when it's there,but the second that it's broken
(03:38):
you're going to feel iteverywhere.
There's a line from the moviethe Family man that I've never
forgotten.
It's from Arnie, who playsJeremy Piven, and he says the
Fidelity Bank and Trust is atough creditor and honestly,
he's not wrong.
Once trust is broken, whetherfrom a lie, a betrayal or
(03:58):
emotional abandonment or evenjust the pattern of not showing
up, it's like going intoemotional debt and the repayment
plan is not always flexible.
Rebuilding trust is a slow,intentional process.
It's going to take time,consistency and often a deep
learning of what safety lookslike in that relationship,
(04:20):
because that bank it keeps arecord.
And rebuilding doesn't meanpretending that the debt was
never there.
It means slowly and carefullyproving that you can be
emotionally solvent again.
Maybe someone broke your trust,or maybe you broke theirs, or
maybe you're both trying toclean up the emotional debris
after a fight that left therelationship feeling really
(04:42):
shaky.
There are so many ways thattrust can get damaged.
It might be infidelity, whetherthat's physical or emotional,
maybe having an argument orleaving the relationship or
friendship lying, even the kindthat was meant to protect
someone, breaking a promise orconstantly changing their plans,
emotional abandonment duringthe hard times or not showing up
(05:05):
when it mattered the most,whatever it was.
Rebuilding trust is going totake more than a quick I'm sorry
and a promise to do better.
It's going to take showing upagain and again in these really
small and consistent ways.
It takes honesty andaccountability and emotional
safety, and sometimes a wholelot of self-soothing while you
(05:27):
try not to spiral about whetheror not things are ever going to
go back to the way that theywere.
And if you're someone who'sexperienced codependency, this
work can be really trickybecause sometimes we forgive a
little too quickly.
We might blame ourselves orkeep trying to fix a dynamic
that we didn't even break, justso that we don't lose that
(05:47):
connection.
Rebuilding trust isn't aboutrestoring what was.
It's about creating somethingmore honest and grounded and
emotionally safe than whatexisted before.
Rebuilding trust it's not justa moment, it's a whole process,
and that can be reallyfrustrating because we want this
clear resolution, we want afixed problem, we want a moment
(06:10):
where someone says I'm sorry andwe respond with okay and we
both move on fully healed.
But the truth is that it's justnot how it works.
Truth doesn't come back all atonce.
It comes back really slowly, insmall and often really
unglamorous moments.
It's rebuilt in the in-betweenspaces, when someone follows
(06:31):
through on what they say thatthey're going to do, when they
show up on time, when they tellthe truth even if it's
uncomfortable, when they don'tshut down during hard
conversations.
It's those quiet, little,steady moments that begin to
create emotional safety again.
And if you're the person who'strying to rebuild that trust if
you broke it, it's important toknow that genuine apology is
(06:53):
just a starting point.
It's going to open the door,but it's nowhere near the full
repair.
You can say that you're sorryand really mean it, but if your
behavior doesn't start to shiftin a consistent way, the other
person is still going to feelunsafe, because words might
sound good, but it's consistencythat's going to build trust,
not promises, not explanationsand not a well-written paragraph
(07:17):
of remorse.
And I know this is the partwhere a lot of us get stuck,
because we're going to saythings like what else can I do?
I've already said I'm sorrylike a hundred times and I get
it.
But the real question is iswhat are you doing differently
now?
What are you showing the otherperson, not just once, but again
and again that tells them thatthey're going to be safe with
(07:39):
you.
Again tells them that they'regoing to be safe with you again.
And here's the thing that's hardfor all of us to accept,
especially those of us withcodependent tendencies Even if
you're doing all the rightthings now, you don't get to
control the timeline.
You don't get to decide whenthe other person should trust
you again.
That part it's not up to youand that can be so painful
(08:00):
because you're doing all thework.
Maybe you're trying and maybeyou've really changed.
But rebuilding trust happens atthe speed of safety, and safety
looks different for everyone.
There will be setbacks.
Maybe they're going to pullaway one day or question your
intentions or bring up the pastwhen you thought you were over
it.
That doesn't necessarily meanthat the trust is gone again.
(08:22):
It just means that they'restill healing.
And if you're the one doing therebuilding, part of that
process is holding space forthose moments without
defensiveness.
And if you're the one who'sbeen hurt, if trust was broken
against you, you're allowed totake your time.
You don't have to rushforgiveness just because someone
says that they're sorry.
You're not cold or withholdingjust for needing consistency
(08:43):
before your nervous system feelssafe again.
Trust doesn't rebuild in astraight line.
It's often two steps forwardand one step back, maybe a pause
, a stumble, repair and repeat.
That's not failure, that's justhuman nature.
And it's okay if it's messy.
It's okay if it's taking longerthan anyone expected, because
when trust is finally restorednot just on the surface, but
(09:06):
deep down where it counts it'snot because someone got over it,
it's because you worked throughit together.
So, whether you're the onedoing the rebuilding or the one
deciding if trust can be rebuiltat all, try to be gentle, stay
curious, keep showing up.
You're doing the real work andthat's what's going to matter.
So once we understand that trustis rebuilt slowly, that it
(09:29):
doesn't just snap back intoplace because someone said
they're sorry, the next piece isoften the hardest for people,
especially for those of us whoare deeply self-aware, maybe a
little perfectionistic, maybe alittle codependent.
It's the part where we have toown our own part without
collapsing into shame.
Because here's the thingAccountability.
It's not the same thing asself-blame.
(09:51):
It's not about beating yourselfup or turning yourself into the
villain of the story.
It's not about spiraling into Ialways ruin everything or I'm
the worst person in the world.
That's not accountability,that's shame, and shame can be
really sticky.
It doesn't lead to healing.
It's going to lead to hiding orto shutting down because you
(10:12):
want to avoid the realconversation.
But true accountability it'sabout honesty.
It's about looking at themoment and saying, yeah, I
messed up, I didn't show up theway I wanted to, and I see that
it hurt you and I know it'sreally tempting to explain, to
clarify your intent and to say Ididn't mean it that way, or I
(10:33):
was under so much stress, or youhave to understand where I'm
coming from.
And, yeah, context is going tomatter, but intent doesn't
cancel out impact.
Someone can be hurt, even if wedidn't mean to hurt them, and
sometimes the most healing thingthat we can say is I hear you
and I'm sorry that my actionsmade you feel that way.
(10:54):
That's it, that's the work andthat's where the repair is going
to begin.
Anyone can say they're sorry.
I've said sorry for things thatI didn't even do just to avoid
conflict.
I've said sorry for things thatI didn't even do just to avoid
conflict.
I've also said sorry in theclassic Canadian way Oops, sorry
when someone else bumped intome.
You know the drill.
But a real apology, one that isgoing to rebuild trust, that
(11:15):
kind of apology has actionsbehind it.
It shows up in changed behavior.
It shows up in follow through,in learning and applying, and
showing up differently the nexttime.
You can say sorry withoutgroveling, you can be
accountable without giving upany of your dignity, and you can
hold your own truth while stillacknowledging someone else's
(11:36):
pain.
Those two things.
They're not opposite, they cancoexist.
You might say it wasn't myintent to shut you out and I can
see how.
That's what happened.
I'm really sorry.
Or I didn't realize how muchthat affected you.
Thank you for letting me know.
I want to do better Because, atthe end of the day, shame is
going to keep us stuck.
(11:56):
It says don't look at that,don't admit it, you'll lose
everything, but ownership.
That's what actually moves usforward.
That's what says I can facethis and I can be responsible
without being crushed by it, andI can grow from it.
So if you're carrying guilt forsomething that you've done,
maybe something that you regret,just ask yourself am I stuck in
(12:17):
shame or am I stepping intoownership?
Because one keeps you frozenand the other is going to bring
you closer, closer to yourselfand to the people that you care
about.
So, once you've owned your partwithout spiraling into shame,
and you've offered a realapology.
The next layer of repair isabout rebuilding.
You feel safe enough to beyourself in the relationship
(12:52):
again.
Can I say the hard thingwithout being punished for it?
Can I bring up the feelingswithout being shut down or
dismissed or told that I'm toosensitive?
After conflict, especially abig conflict, the nervous system
is going to stay on alert.
Even if things are calm now,your body might still be bracing
for the next explosion or thenext withdrawal or the next
(13:15):
moment where you're going to beleft hanging emotionally.
It's like emotional whiplashand no, a single apology isn't
going to make your nervoussystem say, oh, yes, well,
everything's good now.
I feel safe now.
Rebuilding emotional safetymeans that you're creating a
space where honesty doesn't feeldangerous.
It means that the relationshipbecomes a place where you can be
(13:37):
vulnerable without fearingbacklash, and that's going to
take more than just words.
It's going to take tone andpresence and consistency and
sometimes softening up a littlebit.
Genuine communication is goingto go a long way here, and so
does soft body language.
I don't mean that you need towhisper everything in some
(13:58):
smooth yoga voice or maintainconstant eye contact like you're
in a staring contest, but theway that you say things is going
to matter.
The timing matters.
Where you have the conversationis going to matter.
Your posture, your facialexpressions, your pacing, it all
communicates safety or threat,and when someone's been hurt,
(14:19):
they're going to be reading intoall of it.
It also helps to say the quietthings out loud, like I know
I've hurt you and I'm notexpecting you to trust me right
away.
I just want to show you thatI'm here and that I'm committed
to doing things better, that onesentence can be more reassuring
than a dozen explanations.
And here's something that'sreally going to shift the
(14:40):
dynamic.
Ask them directly what do youneed from me right now to feel
safe again?
Not asking in a defensive way,not in a just tell me what you
want me to do so we can move on,kind of way, but in a genuine
curiosity, and then actuallylisten to the answer that they
give you.
You might not be able to meetall of their requests, but even
(15:02):
asking the question shows thatyou're engaged in their
experience, not just trying tomove past it.
And if you're the one who's beenhurt, if you're trying to feel
safe again, know that it's okayto need reassurance.
It's okay to need morecheck-ins, it's okay to need
more eye contact, more clarity.
You're not being clingy, you'rejust healing.
(15:22):
And if the other person isn'twilling to help create that
safety for you, then that'sinformation in itself.
You can't rebuild trust in aspace that still feels unsafe.
This is all part of the processand it's going to take time and
it can be really uncomfortable.
Sometimes you might feel likeyou're walking on eggshells at
first or worried that you'regoing to say the wrong thing,
(15:45):
but emotional safety isn't aboutbeing perfect.
It's about being present andbeing open and showing up again,
even if it's a little messy,because that's what's going to
make your relationship strongerNot just avoiding conflict, but
being able to come back from itwith more honesty and softness
and more care than you hadbefore.
So take your time here.
(16:06):
You can let this be slow, youcan let it be awkward, and
remember that rebuildingemotional safety is just as
important if not more so thanany grand gestures of repair,
because without it, trustdoesn't really have a place to
land.
So if you've been listening tothis and thinking, okay, great,
but what if I'm the one who gothurt?
What if I'm still not okay,then please know that it's okay
(16:29):
and you're allowed to need time.
Even if they apologized, evenif they're saying all the right
things now and even if part ofyou wants to forgive them and
move forward.
But another part of you is stilla little bit on the edge,
you're still hurt and feeling alittle bit unsure.
That doesn't mean that you'reholding a grudge.
So often when someone hurts usand then apologizes, we feel
(16:50):
pressure to flip on thatemotional switch to say, okay,
everything's better now, justbecause they said sorry, Because
they're trying and because wedon't want to be difficult or
cold or make things feel moreawkward than they already are.
But here's something that'sreally important to remember
Forgiveness and trust are notthe same thing.
You can forgive someonehonestly, fully and with love in
(17:12):
your heart and still not beready to trust them again.
You can hold compassion for whythey did what they did and
still need space from them whileyou heal.
You can love someone deeply andstill not feel safe letting
them all the way back in yet.
And that doesn't make you cruel.
It doesn't make you emotionallyunavailable.
Trust in itself is a boundary.
It doesn't make you emotionallyunavailable.
(17:33):
Trust in itself is a boundary.
It's something that you get togive when and if someone earns
it back, not on demand.
So if you're the one who washurt, give yourself permission
to watch more than you listen.
Words are going to matter, butactions they matter more,
especially when trust has beenbroken.
It's okay to say I hear you andI appreciate what you're saying
(17:54):
, but I still need time to seeif your actions line up with
your words.
That's not being cold, that'sjust being honest and please
don't gaslight yourself just tokeep the peace.
This happens all the time incodependent dynamics.
You start to doubt your ownfeelings, you start to minimize
the impact of what happened.
You start saying things likemaybe I'm just overreacting or I
(18:15):
should just be grateful thatthey're trying and suddenly
you're making emotional spacefor everyone else, but not for
yourself.
But your hurt is real, even ifit wasn't intentional, even if
the other person is trying nowand even if you're still in love
with them.
That hurt still needs tendingto.
And, trust me, you don't needto earn your right to feel what
(18:36):
you feel.
You don't need a perfect casefile of evidence before you're
allowed to say you know what.
Something just doesn't feelright.
Here You're allowed to protectyour peace.
You're allowed to take yourtime and you're allowed to say I
want this to work, but I needto feel safe first.
And everyone who's truly doingthe work to rebuild trust with
you, they're going to understandthat they're not going to
(18:58):
pressure you to rush, they won'ttell you to get over it.
They're going to keep showingup with softness and patience
and humility, knowing that trustisn't something that you demand
.
It's something that you earnday by day, gesture by gesture.
So whether you're in thatprocess, whether you're just
starting to open up again orstill unsure whether you even
(19:19):
want to, it's okay.
You don't need to rush yourhealing just to make someone
else comfortable.
Let your pace be your power.
So if you've been the one whowas hurt and you've given
yourself permission to take yourtime, eventually there comes
this moment where you have toask do I want to rebuild this?
And if the answer is yes, ifthere's enough care and
(19:40):
willingness and safety to moveforward, the next step is
figuring out how to do ittogether, because rebuilding
trust it's not a solo project.
It's not just a one personapologizing and the other person
deciding if it's good enough.
It's not one partner doing allthe emotional labor, while the
other one just waits to be letback in.
(20:01):
True repair, lasting repair it'sgoing to take effort on both
sides and that might mean havingthe same conversation more than
once, not because you're stuckin the past, but because
sometimes clarity it comes inlayers.
You might talk it through,sleep on it and then realize
that you have more to say orsomething new clicks or you get
(20:21):
triggered again and need morereassurance.
That doesn't mean that you'refailing at repairing things.
That just means that you're init.
You're staying with the process, even when it's uncomfortable
and honestly, that's a sign ofcare.
One of the most grounding thingsthat you can do in that process
is to shift the focus from whatwent wrong to how do we want to
(20:42):
show up for each other movingforward.
Because it's easy to stay inthe problem.
We start rehashing the mistakes, the misunderstandings and the
hurt, but eventually the pathforward has to be about building
something new, and that mightsound like I want to feel like I
can come to you with the hardthings, or I want to feel more
emotionally safe when we'restressed.
(21:02):
I want us to check in more, notjust when something's wrong,
but because we care, and thosegoals don't have to be big.
In fact, the smaller and themore doable they are, the more
powerful that they're going tobe.
You'd be surprised what adifference those little things
are going to make Sending athoughtful text just to say I'm
thinking of you, maybe offeringa hug before jumping into
(21:24):
problem solving, or just makingreal eye contact when someone's
trying to be vulnerable.
These tiny moments are wheretrust is going to start to
regrow.
It doesn't come back in thisweeping moment of forgiveness
with dramatic music playing inthe background.
It's going to come back whensomeone stays kind during this
really tense conversation, whenthey show that they're really
(21:44):
listening, when they react toyour pain with softness instead
of defensiveness.
That's when your nervous systemstarts to say okay, maybe I can
start to relax here a littlebit again.
And this is going to go bothways.
It's not just about what theyneed to do for you or what you
need to do for them.
It's about learning how to meeteach other differently, in a
(22:06):
way that feels more grounded andhonest than before.
It's rebuilding together, notwaiting alone in separate
corners to see who flinchesfirst.
And look, none of us do thisperfectly.
There are still going to be alot of messy moments.
You're both going to slip upand you might even revert to
some of your old patterns.
But if you can keep returningto that shared commitment to be
(22:29):
kind, to be clear, to keeptrying, then trust is still
going to grow.
It's going to grow slowly andgently and really honestly.
So, whether you're in your ownprocess or whether you're the
one who was hurt, the one tryingto rebuild, or both, I just
want to remind you that trustcan be rebuilt, but it's going
(22:49):
to take time and softness andpatience and mutual effort
between the two of you and, mostimportantly, it's going to take
self-compassion, because, nomatter how strong the
relationship is, you're stillhuman and so are they.
Conflict doesn't have to be theend of your connection.
When it's handled with care, itcan become the beginning of
(23:09):
something more honest and moregrounded and more real than what
you had before.
I'd really love to hear from youIf you've been through
something that requiredrebuilding trust, whether in a
friendship or relationship orwith yourself.
I'd love to know what helped,what made a difference.
And, while you're at it, tellme something that you're
grateful for, whether it's bigor small.
(23:31):
Maybe you had a hard day, butyour dog sat at your feet just
when you needed more comfort.
Maybe your friend texted yousomething funny.
Maybe you finally said I'msorry and really meant it.
You can find me on threads orInstagram at drangeladowney, and
on Facebook at the codependentdoctor.
I love hearing your stories andbeing part of this community
with you.
(23:51):
You don't have to do healingall alone, and sharing what's
real is part of how we all grow.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday and I wish you all a great
week as you learn to foster abetter relationship with the
most important person in yourlife yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when we'regoing to talk about forgiving
your parents.
They did their best, but whathappens when you needed just a
(24:13):
little more?
Take care, for now You've gotthis.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click like and subscribe so youdon't miss any future episodes
and to help others who mightbenefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing seniordoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(24:35):
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com