52: The 3-Second Authenticity Pause: How to Stop People Pleasing and Start Listening to Yourself

In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I introduce the powerful yet simple tool that’s helped me stop people-pleasing on autopilot: the three-second authenticity pause. Through personal stories and practical tips, we explore how this tiny moment of mindfulness can help you reconnect with your body’s wisdom, set boundaries without guilt, and honor your truth—because real self-care starts with choosing yourself.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:50):
Hello, my friends, and welcome back.
If you've ever said yes whenyour whole body was screaming no
, then today's episode is foryou.
Whether you're a chronic peoplepleaser, someone who struggles
with guilt when settingboundaries, or just trying to
reconnect with what you actuallywant, you're going to want to
stick around for this video.
Today, I'm diving into one ofthe most powerful tools that

(01:11):
I've used in my own life with mypatients.
We're talking about how to stopabandoning yourself in those
small moments, those smalleveryday moments.
I'm going to be sharing stories, strategies and simple scripts
to help you tune back in withyour gut and to start saying yes
to things that actually makeyou feel good.
So grab your coffee, take abreath and settle in.

(01:34):
This episode is packed with allthese little gems that might
just change the way that youshow up for yourself.
Starting today, welcome to theCodependent Doctor, a podcast
where we unpack the messy,beautiful journey of healing
from codependency.
If you're burned out frompeople pleasing, stuck in
unhealthy patterns or just tiredof putting yourself last,

(01:54):
you're in the right place.
I'm Dr Angela Downey, a familydoctor and fellow codependent,
and I'm here to help youreconnect to your authentic self
.
One honest conversation at atime.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 52nd episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow

(02:17):
codependent, who's finallymastered the art of pausing
before saying yes, unless youask me to move a couch and then
all bets are off.
Just kidding.
Today's episode we're going tofocus on a tool that I've
created called the three-secondauthenticity pause.
But before we get started onthat, I want to take a minute to
focus on what we're allgrateful for.

(02:38):
You've probably heard it ahundred times just be grateful,
and if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your eyes
at least once.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways to shift your mind
without needing to overhaulyour entire life.
When we pause and think aboutwhat we're grateful for, even

(03:00):
the small stuff, like a good cupof coffee or a friend who texts
back really quickly, it helpsour brain focus on the things
that are working in our lifeinstead of what's missing or
what's broken.
It doesn't mean that we ignorethe hard stuff, it just gives us
some balance, like, yeah, todaywas stressful, but I also

(03:20):
parallel parked perfectly on thefirst try and I felt like a
superhero doing it.
So that's gratefulness.
It's not going to fix all yourproblems, but it might make them
feel a little lighter.
Today I'm thankful for my newcomputer chair.
It's like sitting on a cloud.
My other chair had no backsupport.
It would make my legs hurtafter the end of one episode.
It was not comfortable for meto sit for a whole day.

(03:43):
So I'm really glad that I madethe investment finally to get a
decent computer chair.
I'm really excited about that.
So today's episode we're goingto be talking about a tool that
you need to live your authenticlife.
It's geared towards peoplepleasers in the audience, the
ones that say yes when theyreally just want to be saying no

(04:04):
.
This is a classic peoplepleaser move.
You're about to say yes tosomething that you really don't
want to do and something in yourchest it tightens, or your
stomach feels queasy, but thenyou smile and you say yes anyway
.
So if this sounds familiar, Iknow I've definitely done it.

(04:25):
I've done this more times thanI can count and I want to share
an example with you.
A couple of years ago, I plannedthis solo trip, kind of a
spiritual retreat for myself.
I was dreaming of massages,journaling, long walks and
reading lots of self-help books,the whole figuring out my life
kind of vibe.
I was craving quiet and spaceand I finally decided that I was

(04:48):
going to give that to myself.
So I was going to book thistrip, but then my partner said
that he wanted to come too.
Going to book this trip, butthen my partner said that he
wanted to come too, and before Icould even process how I felt
about it, I started doing thisthing that I do.
It's sort of this like mentalgymnastics routine, trying to
convince myself that this couldstill work.
He promised to give me spaceand I nodded and said okay, but

(05:12):
inside I was feeling guilty andconflicted and tense and instead
of checking in with myself, Ispiraled into how I can make
this trip work with him in it,and I agonized over this for
weeks.
Meanwhile, he's getting reallyexcited.
He's starting to pack his bags,he's excited about going on

(05:32):
this trip, and I'm gettingfurther and further away from my
original intention and goal.
Eventually, I came up with thislike genius solution, so I wrote
down two outcomes on a slip ofpaper one that said that I was
going to go alone and the otherthat said that we were going to
go together.
And I put them in this bowl andI told myself, whatever I pull

(05:54):
out would be the answer, like itwas fate.
But let's be honest, this wasjust a really fancy way of me to
avoid making a decision.
I was putting my power insomeone else's hands, or faith's
hands.
So instead of really kind ofdeciding what I wanted, I was
just going to leave it up tochance.
I didn't want to hurt hisfeelings and I didn't want to

(06:15):
face the discomfort of owningwhat I really need.
I was ready to give away mypower and I am able to make my
own decisions, but I was willingto give that up and leave it up
to fate.
But here's the part that reallystuck with me.
Right before I reached into thebowl, I realized I was hoping to
pull the go alone slip.

(06:35):
I was chanting please, please,please, please, please, please,
pull out the go alone slip.
Then I sat back in my chair andI asked myself why I'm even
considering only having a 50%chance of going alone, when I
could just say I'm going alone.
My body had already spoken.
I knew what I wanted deep down.
I just needed to listen and tofollow through.

(06:57):
So I made my decision to goalone and for the fun, I ended
up picking a piece of paper andit said go together.
So I tossed in the garbage andI went to tell my partner my
feelings, that they had changedand that I really wanted to take
this trip alone.
That's the power of the threesecond pause.
In that quiet moment we can askourselves what do I really want

(07:21):
?
It just takes three seconds tocheck in.
Is my gut feeling good?
Am I feeling excited about this?
Am I feeling sick?
Is there a tightness in mychest?
What's happening in my body?
What do I want?
Not what's the easiest or thenicest or the most people
pleasing for someone else.
Just what do I want right now?
My partner was disappointed,but he totally understood and I

(07:45):
went on that trip and I had theexact experience that I needed.
I had space, clarity, silenceand no guilt about listening to
another Brene Brown audiobookwhile I was eating chips alone
in a rope.
So that's the moment that Ilearned that sometimes the truth
is already there.
We just need a pause to catchup to it.
And that pause it can changeeverything.

(08:07):
Right after I decided to takethat trip on my own.
I started thinking about all ofthe times that I hadn't
listened to myself, times that Iignored what my body or my gut
was telling me because I was toobusy trying to be good.
I just wanted to be helpful andagreeable to everyone's.
You know, like being a teamplayer, and the thing is we

(08:29):
don't come out of the wombknowing how to override our
needs and our feelings.
That's something that we'retaught.
You were probably taught thatputting others first is just
what people do, and that youshould be a good person and that
you should be selfless.
You should be saying yes andbeing generous with your time,
not rocking the boat.

(08:53):
We grow up getting praised forbeing really easygoing or polite
and flexible, and we learn thatbeing wanted or needed or liked
comes from how helpful we are,how much we can do for others.
And when we do speak up, whenwe set a boundary or we say no,
it's often met with a lot ofpushback.
Why are you being so difficult?
Or don't be so selfish, or evenjust a sigh, or you get a

(09:14):
disappointed look.
It doesn't take much to teachus that prioritizing ourselves
is going to come withconsequences Over time that
messaging sinks in really deep.
It's not just social, it'semotional.
We start to believe that sayingno means that we're letting
people down.
Emotional we start to believethat saying no means that we're
letting people down, that restis laziness and that if we don't

(09:35):
step up, no one else is goingto do it.
And what begins as trying to bekind or thoughtful, it slowly
becomes chronic self-abandonment.
And I've done this so manytimes when I worked extra shifts
at the clinic, even though Iwas really run down and really
sick, because I didn't want tolet the team down.

(09:57):
So I pushed through because Ididn't want to be seen as
unreliable or not pulling myweight.
Or when I helped a friend move,despite already having a sore
back, I told myself you know,it's just a few hours.
But I knew my body was sayingno.
I just didn't feel like I hadpermission to listen to it.
Then there was the bake sale.
I had no time, no energy anddefinitely no desire to bake

(10:21):
cookies.
I hate baking, but there I was,late at night, covered in flour
, forcing myself to be the goodmom who brings something
homemade, even though a box ofstore-bought cookies would have
done the job just fine, and Iknow I'm not alone in this.
I've talked to so many women,patients, friends and podcast
listeners who say that they feellike they just can't stop.

(10:44):
Like resting makes them feelguilty or something Like saying
no makes them feel mean.
And I get it.
I still catch myself in thosepatterns sometimes.
But here's the thing the morewe ignore our own discomfort to
keep other people happy, themore disconnected that we become
from our own truth.
I've said this a couple oftimes on my podcast you don't

(11:07):
need to set yourself on fire tokeep other people warm.
So we start second guessingourselves, we lose touch with
what we actually want or needand that little internal voice,

(12:20):
the one that says this justdoesn't feel right.
It gets quieter and quieteruntil one day you can't even
hear it anymore.
So if you've ever felt guiltyfor needing space or tired of
being everything to everyone orafraid of disappointing someone,
you're not broken.
You were just taught toprioritize everyone else.

(12:41):
First you were trained tooverride your own gut and now
you're going to start to noticeand that awareness.
That's the first step ingetting your power back.
You're not selfish forlistening to your body.
You're not rude for honoringyour limits.
You're not selfish forlistening to your body.
You're not rude for honoringyour limits.
You're not dramatic for havingfeelings about things that
matter to you.
You're human and you're allowedto want more peace and more

(13:05):
clarity and more you in your ownlife.
And the thing is, when you'vespent a lifetime putting other
people's comfort above your own,you don't always realize that
you're doing it, but your bodydoes.
Your body always knows.
You just need to start payingattention to it again.
For me, that feeling usuallystarts in my stomach.

(13:28):
It's this heavy, uneasy feeling, almost like something's
twisting just beneath thesurface.
Heavy, uneasy feeling, almostlike something's twisting just
beneath the surface Got littlebutterflies in there.
It's really subtle at first,but it grows the longer that I
try to ignore it.
So on the outside I might besmiling and nodding and trying
to seem agreeable, but on theinside my gut is screaming that
something is not right here andthat I don't want to do this.

(13:50):
I might catch myself clenchingmy jaw.
Sometimes I even stop breathingfor a second, just holding it
all in.
While I'm trying to process thepanic, it's like my body is
quietly trying to tap me on theshoulder and say this doesn't
feel good, but I have spentyears pushing past that signal
in order to keep the peace.
So, emotionally, all thesefeelings, they just build up and

(14:13):
the exhaustion is like nothingthat a nap can fix, the burnout
that makes even small thingsfeel really overwhelming.
It's this quiet resentment thatbubbles up when I'm doing
something that I never wanted tosay yes to in the first place,
this nagging sense that I'mliving slightly out of alignment
with myself, like I'm in theroom but not in the moment.

(14:36):
Sometimes these feelings theyshow up as irritability, or I
get really snappy with peoplethat I care about, and other
times I just start feelingreally numb, like I've gone on
autopilot and disconnected fromhow I feel altogether.
So that's the cost ofconstantly overriding your gut.
You end up stuck in this cyclewhere you're doing all the right

(14:58):
things, you're being supportive, reliable, helpful and still
feeling drained and unfulfilled,and then the guilt creeps in
for even feeling that way.
It's tiring, but here's what Iwant you to know you don't have
to live like that.
Your body is not betraying you.
It's trying to bring you backto yourself.
That tight feeling in yourchest, that pit in your, that

(15:20):
sigh that you keep swallowing,those are just, they're
invitations, they're gentlenudges.
Saying something about thisisn't working for me, and when
we can slow down long enough,like three seconds, to really
notice them, to really listen,we open the door to something
better, something more honestand more aligned with who we are
, and it makes our lives moresustainable.

(15:42):
So if you're feeling off, ifyou're tired of being tired, if
your body is waving these littlered flags, you're not broken,
you're just.
You're waking up and thatawareness, that's where
everything is going to begin toshift.
So after you start noticingthose gut feelings, that tension
, that unease in your body, thequestion becomes what are you

(16:05):
going to do with that?
And that's where this coollittle tool comes in the three
second authenticity pause, andit's changed everything for me.
So it's simple you just take asecond and you pay attention to
your body and that's where thiscool little tool comes in.
I call it the three secondauthenticity pause and, honestly
, it's changed everything for me.
It's so simple that you'regoing to think how can this

(16:28):
actually help me?
But that's the beauty of it.
It's not overhauling your wholelife, it's about creating just
enough space between the urge toplease and the truth of what
you actually want.
So here's how it works.
Let's say you're faced with adecision.
Maybe somebody asks you to takean extra shift at work, or your
friend texts you at the lastminute asking for a favor, or

(16:50):
maybe your partner wants to makeweekend plans and you were
hoping for a quiet day in yourpajamas and your automatic
response because you've beenconditioned this way is to say
yeah, sure, of course, noproblem, I can make that work.
But instead of replying rightaway, you just pause just for
three seconds, take a breath.
You can place your hand on yourbelly, if that helps you, kind

(17:12):
of drop into yourself and askyourself how am I feeling right
now?
What is my body telling me?
Am I excited?
If I am, then great, this isdefinitely a no brainer.
I'm going to do it.
But if there's some trepidationthere, if you're not sure that
this is what you want to do, youneed to start asking yourself
some questions how am I feelingright now?

(17:32):
That question alone can bereally powerful.
It's not.
What do they need?
Or are they going to bedisappointed?
But me, like, how am I doingright now?
Am I about to say yes, becauseI'm feeling guilty, or there's
some fear, or is it a habit andwhat do I want in this moment?
What is this something that Iactually want to be doing?

(17:54):
Do I have the energy to do it?
You don't have to decide rightaway.
You're just checking in withyour gut, and that's the whole
point.
It's just to slow things downlong enough to hear yourself
before you answer and look.
In real life, this can be assimple as not replying to a text
right away.
Maybe you can let the phonering and go to voicemail or

(18:14):
saying something like thanks forthe invite, let me think about
it and I'm going to get back toyou.
That line has saved me so manytimes because it buys me that
time to pause and think aboutwhat it is that I want to be
doing, instead of defaulting toyes out of guilt or pressure.
The pause can even happen inthese tiny ordinary moments,
like when you're about to agreeto take on another work project

(18:37):
even though you're already maxedout, or when someone at a
family gathering asks if you canhelp coordinate one more thing
and you feel that internal, butyour mouth is already halfway to
saying yes and you're smiling.
So just pause, even if it'sawkward, even if it's like one
beat longer than what feelssocially comfortable.
That little space is where yourtruth lies.

(18:59):
For me, using the pause hasmeant saying things like you
know what?
I'd love to help, but I justcan't right now.
Or that sounds like a lot offun, but I really need some
downtime this weekend.
You don't need to give anyone along explanation for why you
can't do weekend.
You don't need to give anyone along explanation for why you
can't do something.
You don't need to list all ofthe things that are keeping you

(19:19):
so busy or make up extra reasonsto justify your no.
It doesn't need to come withthis long dissertation.
People might ask for moredetails.
That's fine, but you can keepit as simple and just say the
timing isn't right or I'm notavailable, and that's enough.
I once had a family member whokept prodding me for more and

(19:42):
more.
I ended up saying that I hadthis work function to get to,
which was kind of true, but Iwas trying to be really vague
when they wanted to know whattime it started, what time it
ended and if, maybe, if I couldjust come before or after.
It's that type of situationthat they're not looking to
understand your schedule.
They're looking to bend it.

(20:03):
Bend it to their own benefit.
And that's when you know thatit's not about your explanation.
It's about their inability torespect a no.
These are the people who willkeep pushing until they get what
they want, and I say this withlove.
They are not yourresponsibility.
Be mindful of the people whodon't take no for an answer.

(20:24):
You don't owe anyone the fullreasoning behind your choices.
Maybe they're just curious, butif you're in a pattern where
your boundaries are consistentlyquestioned or picked apart,
it's okay to protect yourself.
You're allowed to hold the linewithout defending it, and
sometimes people aredisappointed when you say no,
but that discomfort is going topass and the peace that I feel

(20:47):
afterwards that stays for a longtime.
And no, it doesn't mean thatyou never do anything for anyone
anymore.
This isn't about becomingselfish or unavailable or cold.
It's about making sure thatwhen you say yes, it's real and
it's from this grounded place,not a place of obligation or
fear or performance.

(21:08):
The three second pause gives youthis moment to tune in and to
check whether your yes is comingfrom alignment or from anxiety.
And you'd be surprised howoften your body already knows
the answer.
It's just waiting for you tolisten.
So we've taken the pause, we'velistened to our bodies and
we've decided what we actuallywant.
Now comes this tough momentwhere your stomach does this

(21:32):
little somersault, because wehave to put our feelings into
words.
And, let's be honest, this isthe part that can feel scarier
than bungee jumping without ahelmet.
We're wired to worry aboutletting people down.
We imagine their disappointment, we picture the awkward silence
.
So here's a reframe that reallyhelped me.
When I say no, I have to remindmyself that I'm not rejecting

(21:55):
the other person.
I'm just honoring myself, andI'm honoring the version of
myself that still wants to showup tomorrow with energy and
kindness, because if I keepsaying yes to everything, I'm
going to show up as the cranky,half-present zombie that nobody
asked for.
I remind myself that honesty isa gift to both of us.
They get the real me, not theresentful me.

(22:17):
So how do we actually speak thewords?
Let's try and keep it reallysimple.
So here's the first script.
Thanks for thinking of me, letme think about it and I'm going
to get back to you.
This line is magic.
It buys you space, it's politeand it signals that you take the
request seriously.
Most people respect that and ifthey don't, that's information

(22:39):
that you learned about thatperson.
It's not a disaster, but justkeep it filed at the back of
your mind.
The second script is I'm goingto pass this time, but thank you
for asking.
Notice, there's no apology tour, no novella about your to-do
list.
It's clean, it's kind and it'sfinal list.

(23:01):
It's clean, it's kind and it'sfinal.
And as a quick side note, ifyou feel compelled to add 37
qualifiers, I'm so sorry.
I know you're in a bind.
I feel terrible.
Just pause again.
One sincere thank you forthinking of me is plenty.
Anything more starts slidinginto the land of guilt confetti
and you'll be sweeping thatstuff up for days.
Sometimes people are going topush back.
They might say but you're theonly one who can do it, or it'll

(23:23):
just take a second.
In those moments I repeat theboundary like some gentle broken
record.
I hear you, but I'm still goingto pass.
No new reason, no extra details.
Think of it as hitting thereplay button on your favorite
song.
It's the same words, steadyrhythm and a calm tone.
And if your inner critic startsyelling, you're being selfish.

(23:45):
Just remember this.
Self-care isn't selfish, it'sstrategic.
When you protect your energy,you increase the quality of
every yes that you decide togive to your patients, your kids
, your partner, your friends.
They get a fuller, brighterversion of you.
I also like to practice tinyno's in really low-stakes

(24:06):
situations.
So declining a store loyaltycard or saying no to an upsell
on fries, letting a buzzingphone roll to voicemail.
Each tiny rep every time yousay no, it just strengthens that
muscle.
So when the higher stakesrequests do start coming in, my
courage isn't starting from zero.
It's already warmed up andready to go.

(24:27):
So this week I invite you toexperiment.
So pick one request, no matterhow small, and try using the
three second pause before yourespond.
Take a breath, tune in andnotice what your body's telling
you and ask yourself am I sayingyes out of guilt?
What do I actually want in thismoment?
Then choose your response fromthat place it doesn't have to be

(24:49):
perfect, it just has to be trueand notice how your body feels
afterwards.
Maybe it's feeling a littlelighter, maybe it's a little
shaken, but often you're goingto feel relieved because every
honest no is also an honest yesyes to your well-being, to your
boundaries and to your energy.
And with each pause you'regoing to start hearing that

(25:11):
quiet voice inside you moreclearly, the one that's been
there all along, waiting for youto listen.
If you've been skipping thepause, it's okay, we all have.
But let this be a reminder yourtruth deserves a moment, just a
moment, long enough to breathe,to listen and to choose
something that feels more likeyou.
So, as we wrap up today, I justwant to leave you with this Try

(25:35):
the pause this week, just once.
That's it, one moment where youdon't answer right away.
One deep breath before yourespond, one honest check-in
with yourself before youautomatically say yes, you don't
have to get it perfect.
This isn't about perfection,it's about practice.
The pause is just this tinyspace that you give yourself to

(25:56):
hear your own voice before thenoise of everything else rushes
in.
Because the truth is, the pauseisn't just about saying no.
It's about coming back toyourself.
It's about remembering thatwhat you want, how you feel and
what your body is telling youmatters.
You matter, you deserve a lifethat fits you, and it starts.

(26:16):
One pause at a time.
Thank you for hanging out withme today.
If you liked the episode, I'dlove it if you would share it
with someone you love who needsto hear it Heck.
Share it with the whole world.
I'd love to help more peopleout there.
I'd also really appreciate itif you'd be so kind as to follow
me and leave a comment.
It really helps others find myshow.

(26:38):
I'm most active on Facebook atthe Codependent Doctor and
threads and Instagram atdrangeladowney.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to be moving torecording every two weeks.
I'm working on a few projectsthat I can't announce just yet,
but I'm really excited to shareit with you soon.

(26:59):
I'm going to talk to you againin two weeks for another episode
of the Codependent Doctor, whenI'm going to be talking about
breakups.
Take care, for now You've gotthis.
Thanks for spending time withme today.
I hope something in thisepisode resonated with you.
If it did hit, follow,subscribe or share it with
someone who needs to hear ittoday.
The Codependent doctor is notmedical advice and doesn't

(27:22):
replace speaking to your healthcare provider.
If you're in a crisis, pleasego to the nearest ER or call 911
or reach out to your localmental health helpline.
I'll be back here next weekwith more support stories and
strategies because we're healingtogether.