July 21, 2025 • 29 mins
Breakups hurt! In this episode, Dr. Downey unpacks why heartbreak can feel like withdrawal, especially for those with codependent tendencies. When your identity is wrapped up in caring for someone else, losing the relationship often means losing your sense of self. From the brain chemistry behind those late-night texts to the quiet signs it’s time to leave a draining relationship, this episode is a deep dive into the real pain of letting go—and how to begin healing for real. You’ll learn why grief is necessary, why rushed advice doesn’t help, and how to reconnect with yourself after love ends. If you’re wondering how to move forward after a breakup, this one’s for you.
You can buy my books now on Amazon.
🦋 Enough As I Am - A healing workbook for anyone navigating people-pleasing, guilt, or self-abandonment. It’s filled with practical tools to help you build boundaries and reclaim your self-worth.
🖋️ Enough As I Grow - A 365-day journal with daily prompts to guide you through your healing journey one day at a time.
If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
🦋 Enough As I Am Workbook on Amazon.
🖋️ Enough as I Grow 365 day Guided Journal on Amazon
📘 Reading list
Email: codependentdoctor@gmail.com
Social Media links: Here
🎵 Music: Touching The Air by Graceful Movement
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my friends, and welcome back.
Today we're talking aboutbreakups the painful kind, the
confusing kind, the why do Istill miss them, when I know it
wasn't good for me?
Kind Breakups are somethingthat almost all of us go through
, but we don't always talk abouthow deeply they shake us
mentally, emotionally, evenphysically.
Especially if you struggle withcodependency, the end of a
(00:23):
relationship can feel like theend of you.
So in today's episode we'regoing to explore why breakups
hurt so much, how to know whenit's actually time to leave a
relationship, some common redflags, what people say after a
breakup that isn't especiallyhelpful and, most importantly,
what actually does help whenyou're trying to heal from a
breakup.
So get yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat and take a deep
(00:45):
breath.
You are not alone in this.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a podcast where we
unpack the messy, beautifuljourney of healing from
codependency.
If you're burned out frompeople-pleasing, stuck in
unhealthy patterns or just tiredof putting yourself last,
you're in the right place.
I'm Dr Angela Downey, a familydoctor and fellow codependent,
(01:07):
and I'm here to help youreconnect to your authentic self
.
One honest conversation at atime.
Here we go.
Welcome to the 53rd episode ofthe Codependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent who knows firsthandthat no amount of medical
training prepares you for thediagnosis of.
He's just not that into you.
(01:28):
Before I start the episode, Iwant to take a minute to focus
on what we're all grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times Just be grateful.
And if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your
eyes at least once.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways that you can shift
your mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life.
(01:51):
When we pause and think aboutwhat we're grateful for, even
the little things like a goodcup of coffee or a friend who
texts you back really quickly,it helps our brain focus on
what's working instead of what'smissing or what's broken.
It doesn't mean that you ignorethe hard stuff.
It just gives us some balance.
So no, it's not going to fixall your problems, but it might
(02:13):
make them feel a little lighter.
Today I'm grateful for my doggroomer.
I've got two little cockapoosand there's something so
fantastic about picking them upfrom the groomer once they've
had their pot of cure and theysmell so good.
They're excited to come home.
I'm excited to receive them andall is right in the house again
.
I also want to give a shout outto Skye, who I had the pleasure
(02:36):
of meeting a few weeks ago.
She's also practicinggratefulness and she writes I'm
grateful for my safe and stablehome, provided by my steadfast
and caring roommate.
I'm grateful for theopportunity to have met you.
I'm super grateful for yourpodcast, your book and your
journal.
Thank you, skye.
I appreciate the comment andthe thank you and I appreciate
(02:56):
you being a loyal listener.
It's always nice to hear frompeople and sometimes I can be a
little lonely in the podcastbooth here with my microphone
being all by myself, so it'sgreat to hear from the audience
every once in a while.
In today's episode I'm going tobe talking about breakups, so I
want to start by stating theobvious.
Breakups suck, but they don'tjust suck in this generic eat
(03:20):
ice cream and cry on the couchkind of way.
They suck in this very specific, deeply personal and identity
shaking kind of way, becausewhen a relationship ends, you're
not just losing that person,You're losing a routine, you're
losing the rhythm of the daysthat you had and you're losing
these tiny little rituals thatyou enjoyed, even if you didn't
(03:42):
realize that they were anchoringyou.
The things like good morningtexts, letting you know that
someone's thinking of you andthat they care about you, the
way you'd send them the mostrandom little updates, like what
you ate for lunch or how wasyour day at work going.
And this person, they reallyknew you, they knew your
backstory.
They know all the importantfigures in your life, like Karen
(04:04):
, who leaves her leftover lunchin the fridge for weeks, or John
, who's always talking about hisnew car.
This is the person who says notagain, not, karen, without you
needing to get into all thehistory and those details.
They know your life and it'seasy to bring them into
conversations, and then one day,that just stops.
(04:25):
The communication stops and sodoes your sense of belonging,
and that loss can be reallydisorienting and it can really
destabilize you.
It's also why we do weirdthings in the aftermath, like
trying to hold on to theconnection by rereading old text
messages, or maybe you'relistening to songs on repeat on
Spotify until they get soworried that they start checking
(04:47):
in on your well-being.
We're wired biologically to bondto others, so it's not just
cute, it's part of our primalinstinct to bond to others, and
every time that you had avulnerable conversation with
that person, your brain it litup.
So every cuddle, every insidejoke, every time they reached
for your hand, your brain gotthis little hit of oxytocin.
(05:10):
So this is the bonding hormone.
It's the same hormone thatbonds babies to their caregivers
at such a young age.
And dopamine's another hormonethat gets triggered when you're
with someone, especially inthose early honeymoon phases
where everything felt shiny andexciting and full of potential.
Dopamine makes you feel reallygood.
(05:30):
So when that bond is suddenlycut off, your brain starts
freaking out.
You're not just sad.
You're in withdrawal from allof those feel-good hormones,
just like you would be if youwere suddenly cut off of sugar
or caffeine or some otherchemical that you commonly rely
on.
Except, this withdrawal is morecomplicated because it's mixed
(05:53):
in with memories and heartbreakand a future that you had
imagined.
And don't even get me startedon the what-ifs.
So what if I had just been morepatient?
What if we were supposed to endup being together but the
timing was wrong?
What if I never feel that wayagain?
Those questions are going tostart looping in your mind.
(06:14):
Your nervous system goes intosurvival mode.
It doesn't care if therelationship was good for you or
not, it just wants thediscomfort that you're feeling
to stop.
So it pulls you towardsanything that might bring you
the relief of connection, evenif it was toxic and even if it's
over.
This is why people text theirex at 1am.
It's not because they're weak,it's because their body is
(06:35):
craving a hit of somethingfamiliar, something comforting,
even if it's not healthy.
And when I say we can't thinkstraight, I really mean it.
Your frontal lobe, the rational, decision-making part of your
brain, is completely hijacked byemotional pain, cortisol and
fear.
So if you've ever donesomething post-breakup that made
(06:56):
no logical sense, there's aspecial club for that, and I'm
in it as well.
Recovery takes time Time foryour brain to settle, time for
your body to come down, time foryour heart to recalibrate to a
life without your ex in thecenter of it.
The discomfort is a sign thatyou're detoxing from something
that once felt safe, and that'sa very tender and very human
(07:21):
process.
So you need to be gentle withyourself.
You're not crazy.
You're not crazy, you're notweak.
You're just rewiring yourself,and your capacity to love again,
your ability to feel joy again,it's still in there, even if it
doesn't feel that way right now.
I want to talk a little bitabout what happens when you're
(07:42):
in a relationship but you're notsure if you should be or not,
because sometimes the hardestpart isn't grieving the end of
the relationship, it's makingthat decision whether or not
it's time to end it.
This is such a lonely place tobe when your friends are giving
their opinions, when your gut iswhispering something that you
don't want to hear, when thepros and cons list isn't helping
(08:06):
you anymore.
It's so much easier whenthere's a clear and dramatic
reason to go right, like maybethey cheated on you or they
ghosted you.
They scream at you in arestaurant and then boom,
decisions made.
But most of the time it's aquieter process than that.
It's much slower.
Sometimes the reason to leaveisn't this big betrayal.
(08:27):
It's the accumulation of tinyheartbreaks that slowly wear you
down.
This is death by a thousandcuts.
You feel more anxious thanpeaceful in the relationship.
You're constantly editingyourself.
You're shrinking,over-explaining, you might
justify your needs so they don'tfeel like a burden.
You find yourself Googlingthings like how to know if your
(08:49):
relationship is toxic or myhusband's a really nice guy, so
why don't I love him anymore?
And then you immediately feelguilty because you love this
person right, or at least youloved the potential of them.
But let me tell you somethingthat I've had to learn the
really hard way Love is notenough.
You can love someone with yourwhole heart and still know that
(09:12):
it's not working.
You can love someone deeply andstill be hurting all the time.
You can want it to work sobadly and still feel completely
alone in the effort.
One of the clearest signs thatsomething's off is that you're
exhausted, not just tired, butso tired, not from work or life
(09:32):
or your own healing journey, butfrom the relationship itself.
It's like emotional jet lag.
You wake up tense, you go tobed second guessing everything.
You're trying so hard to keepthings good that you've
forgotten what peace even feelslike, and I know that when
you're in it it's really hard totell.
You keep hoping that the goodtimes will outweigh the hard
(09:55):
ones.
You keep thinking that maybeyou just need to be more patient
or more supportive.
But love shouldn't feel likethis job interview, that you're
constantly failing, and maybeyou're lying awake at night
trying to decide if you shouldjust break up now.
And then you think to yourselfwell, I can't leave now.
Their birthday is next month ortheir dad just had surgery, and
then it's Valentine's Day.
(10:16):
Next thing you know you've beendating this person that you're
not sure about for six months,just because you feel guilty.
That's tough and it's reallyunfair for both of you.
I've known people who've stayedtogether just because you feel
guilty.
That's tough and it's reallyunfair for both of you.
I've known people who've stayedtogether just because they felt
bad canceling a trip or theywere supposed to have that
person as their date at awedding.
That's how powerful emotionalresponsibility can feel when
(10:36):
you're codependent.
So if you're listening to thisand you're unsure, if you're
asking yourself is it reallythat bad or am I just being
dramatic?
I want you to pause and askthis instead who do I become in
this relationship?
Do I like that version ofmyself?
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel seen and supported,or do I feel like I'm constantly
(10:59):
managing someone else'sreactions at the expense of my
own peace?
You don't need a big explosionto leave.
You don't need proof ofbetrayal.
Sometimes your own innerexhaustion is the only evidence
that you need.
And if that's the case,trusting yourself enough to
leave is the healing.
So, whatever decision that youmake, you deserve to feel safe
(11:21):
in love, not just chosen, but tofeel cherished, not just
tolerated, but trusted in yourfull self.
That kind of love it does exist,but sometimes you have to leave
what's familiar to make spacefor it, and I know that can be
really scary.
But you don't have to do it allat once.
You just have to start bytelling yourself the truth.
(11:43):
So I want to talk a little bitabout red flags, because in
hindsight we often look back andthink why didn't I see it?
And we can all miss red flags,it's easy.
And just because you missed ared flag it doesn't mean that
you're stupid or naive or you'rereally bad at relationships.
It just means that you'rehoping for the best and you're
(12:03):
filling in the blanks andtrusting that love means that
things are going to get better.
Some red flags are really easyto spot once you're out of it,
but some can be really sneaky.
They fly just low enough underthe radar that you start
doubting your instincts insteadof questioning their behavior,
like when someone doesn'trespect.
(12:24):
When you say no, not in a bigdramatic way, but in those
little kind of repeateddismissals.
You say I don't feelcomfortable with that, and they
push anyway.
Or say come on, it's not thatbad.
You say I need some space, andthey respond by texting you 17
times in a row.
Or they make you feel guiltyfor having boundaries in the
(12:44):
first place, like you're theproblem for not being chill
enough.
That's not love, that's control.
Wearing a really nice smile, ormaybe they apologize for
something, but there's no followthrough.
They don't change theirbehavior afterwards.
They mess up.
You bring it up.
They say all the right things,maybe they might cry a little
bit, and for the next 48 hoursthey're super great.
(13:06):
And you're thinking to yourself, okay, like maybe they really
get it this time.
But then the same thing happensagain and again and again, and
at some point you're just stuckin this emotional groundhog day
with slightly different wordingevery time, and sometimes they
give you just enough breadcrumbsto keep you interested and
(13:27):
engaged with them.
They might send you I miss youtexts at midnight, but then they
flake out on you when theweekend comes around.
Maybe they flirt and then theydisappear altogether, then show
up when you start to pull away.
It's emotional whack-a-mole andsometimes you're constantly
needing to explain your worth.
You're earning their love bydoing things for them, trying to
(13:48):
be easier to love.
Maybe you tone down yourfeelings a little.
Second guess your needs,convince yourself that you don't
really need all that much.
You're in this subtle butreally exhausting performance,
hoping that they're finallygoing to see how low maintenance
and understanding you are andthen magically decide that
you're worth their attention.
It's heartbreaking to watch,but real love doesn't require
(14:11):
you to shrink to fit.
I once had someone tell me thatthey were hesitant to break up
with their partner even thoughthe relationship was clearly
draining them because theirpartner had just started getting
into therapy.
Like he was some houseplantthat you couldn't throw out
because it finally had one newleaf and okay.
So that's a really bad example,because I would never throw out
a houseplant, especially if itshowed promise of a new leaf.
(14:33):
But hopefully you get what I'mtrying to say.
When we see potential, we tendto cling, but just because
someone starts thinking aboutchanging doesn't mean that they
will, and change is not going tohappen in 48 hours.
It can take a few years forthat person to grow and love
themselves enough to be thepartner that you want or need
(14:55):
them to be.
If you're not in a healthyrelationship and it's a
relationship that's not good foryou.
Years is a really long time towait, and when you're
codependent, you've been trained, either as a child or in past
relationships, to second guessyourself, to believe that you're
the one who needs to adjust ortry harder or not take things
(15:17):
too personally and slowly youstart to normalize those red
flags.
You build your life around themlike furniture, around this
crack in the wall.
Love isn't supposed to feellike a puzzle.
You shouldn't have to decode it.
You shouldn't have to provethat you're worthy of basic
respect and safety andconsistency.
You don't have to settle forsomeone who only shows up when
(15:40):
it's convenient for them.
You deserve someone who showsup because they want to,
consistently and openly and withcare.
And if that's not what you'regetting, that's not a
relationship, it's a performance.
It's like being in a really badmovie and guess what?
You get to walk away eventhough you don't know the ending
(16:01):
.
Life is too short to sitthrough a really bad movie.
When you're codependent,breakups can be really bad,
because when you're codependent,the relationship doesn't just
become important, it becomeseverything.
Your identity starts to revolvearound the other person, what
they need, how they feel, whatkind of day they're having.
(16:24):
Your emotional thermostat isset by their mood.
You start scanning constantlyAre they okay?
Are they upset?
Did I do something wrong?
Is it my job to fix it?
What should I do?
What do they need?
You're not just loving them,you're managing them, and maybe
you don't even notice at firstbecause it feels kind of noble
(16:46):
right.
You're being super thoughtful,you're supportive and low
maintenance.
You're being flexible.
You're trying to be the bestpartner that they've ever had.
But slowly your own needs aregoing to get quieter, your own
feelings start to feel like aninconvenience and by the time
that things fall apart yourealize you don't even know
(17:08):
where you end and where thatperson begins.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What do you like?
A few years ago I couldn't haveanswered those questions.
They're simple questions.
I knew who I was to otherpeople, I knew what I meant to
them and I knew what I could dofor them.
But who was I like at my core?
(17:29):
So when the relationship ends,it's just, it's not just them
that you're losing, it'syourself.
It's the version of you thatexisted inside that relationship
, the role that you played, theway you felt you were useful or
needed or attached, and thatkind of loss can feel really
difficult and reallydisorienting.
(17:50):
You start questioningeverything.
Was I too much?
Was I too needy, too emotional?
Maybe I wasn't enough, notpatient enough, not easygoing
enough?
You look back and try topinpoint the exact moment that
things changed, as if figuringit out could somehow take the
pain away.
You might even find yourselffantasizing about getting back
(18:11):
together again, not because youtruly think that things would be
different, but because you justwant that pain to stop.
You want relief and familiarity, that little hit of safety that
your body still associates withthat person, even if in your
mind you know better.
I remember someone once tellingme that they were tempted to get
(18:33):
back with their ex, not becausethey missed the relationship,
but because they missed havingsomeone that they could text,
that they had made at home,safely after work.
And I get it.
It wasn't about romance, it wasabout belonging, that feeling
of being known by someone, andfor anyone who's codependent,
that belonging can feel almostlike oxygen you need it to
(18:56):
breathe.
We're grieving the version ofourselves that we only knew
through that other person.
We miss the purpose that wefelt in taking care of them, we
miss the purpose that we felt intaking care of them.
I often see this when people'schildren go off to college and
you don't need to take care ofthem anymore Maybe you're
retired and your identity assomeone important at work goes
(19:17):
away.
This happens in so manydifferent situations, not just
in relationships.
So when that person is gonewhether that be through like a
breakup or a separation, thatversion of us that we once knew
it disappears.
But this is also an opportunitywe get to reinvent ourselves.
At this point, the grief thatwe're feeling can point us
(19:39):
towards something that we forgotexisted like ourselves, like
ourselves, it's an invitationfor us to come home, to figure
out who we are, when we're notrescuing anyone.
To learn how to be lovedwithout earning it.
To listen to our own needsbefore they become.
These emergencies and this cantake time and it's not always
(20:00):
going to feel really good.
But every time that you chooseto sit with the discomfort
instead of running back towhat's familiar, you're building
this muscle.
And every time you choose tofeel lonely instead of chasing
temporary relief, you'rereclaiming a small piece of
yourself is the cure, but thereal healing is learning that
(20:28):
you're enough all on your own,that your worth isn't tied to
how useful or accommodating oravailable you are to someone
else.
You don't have to be everythingto someone else to be something
to yourself.
And if you're in that raw placeright now, where everything is
just so confusing and untethered, you're not lost.
You're just shedding an oldidentity of yourself, and this
is where you get to reinventyourself.
(20:49):
And while we're on the subjectof heartbreak, I want to talk
about what happens after thebreakup, when you're still raw,
probably questioning everything,and people start trying to help
you.
Sometimes the things thatpeople say after a breakup, they
just land the wrong way andtheir intentions are good, and
let's just go over a couple ofthese examples of things that
(21:12):
people say.
I'm going to give my two centsas to why that support might not
be having the effect that youwant on the friend that you're
giving advice to.
Your friend might say maybeyou're better off.
Maybe, but right now I don'tfeel better off, I feel wrecked,
I feel terrible.
They might say they didn'tdeserve you, which, okay, is
(21:32):
probably true, but right now I'mjust sitting here wondering why
I stayed so long with thatperson who didn't deserve me,
and that's not making me feelany better either.
Friends might say, just getback out there, as if healing is
like falling off a bike and theanswer is to hop on a dating
app while you're stillmetaphorically bleeding.
In the past, I know that I'vetold people that everything
(21:56):
happens for a reason, which,again, is probably true.
But when you're in the thick ofit, that phrase feels like
trying to put a tiny littlebandaid on this gaping wound.
You need time to process what'shappened.
And what people don't realizeis that when you're heartbroken,
you don't want advice, you wantacknowledgement.
(22:16):
You want someone who's going tosit next to you, either
literally or emotionally, andsay yeah, this really sucks and
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry that you'rehurting.
That's it.
Healing isn't going to startwith a solution.
It begins with feeling safe.
It begins with having people bepresent with you, with not
feeling like you have to performstrength while you're quietly
(22:39):
falling apart inside.
So if you're hearing you'rebetter off isn't helping, then
what is going to help.
Here's what I've learned, bothfrom personal heartbreak and
from sitting with other peoplein their heartbreak about what
actually helps when you'retrying to heal.
First, it's important to letyourself grieve.
(22:59):
I know it sounds really obvious, but we are so quick to skip
past this part.
Because who wants to hurt?
We are going to rush to be okayagain.
We slap on these affirmations,we start buying crystals and
binge watching productivityTikToks like we're going to hack
our way back out of thisheartbreak.
But grief doesn't work likethat.
(23:20):
It's really messy.
It's this non-linear path,zigzagging two steps forward,
one step back, and one dayyou're okay and the next you're
crying because you walked pasttheir favorite shampoo in the
drugstore, or maybe somebodysmelled like them, or maybe
someone in the movie said I loveyou, just the way that they
used to do it.
Let yourself be in that moment.
(23:41):
You get to cry and be angry.
You can lie on the floor andlisten to sad music if you need
to.
It's all going to help.
This is all part of thegrieving process.
Step two you can go no contactif needed, and I mean it Like
block, mute, unfollow, archiveall your chats.
You're allowed to protect yournervous system Because every
(24:01):
time that you peek at theirstories or reread an old message
or check to see if they'reonline, you're reactivating that
old attachment.
You're yanking open this woundthat your body is desperately
trying to close like picking offat an old scab.
You're not punishing them byblocking them.
You're just trying to giveyourself some peace and some
(24:22):
space to heal.
Next, get all of that unsaidstuff out, try journaling it.
Talk to a friend or a therapist.
Write a letter that you'renever going to send.
You get to say the things thatyou didn't get to say, or the
things that you did say but youstill need to let go of, because
keeping it all in is just goingto make you stuck stuck in the
(24:43):
past.
And then there's create aritual that's just for you,
something really simple like amorning walk or a playlist that
reminds you of who you werebefore all this happened.
You can light a candle, drinksome tea, whatever it is.
Let it be a reminder thatyou're still here, you're still
a person.
Without them, you still exist.
And finally, when you're ready,you get to start reflecting not
(25:07):
just on what you lost, but onwhat you've learned from that
experience about yourself, yourboundaries, your patterns, what
you want and what you can'taccept in the future.
You get to choose differentlynext time.
And once all of this is done,then you are ready to get back
out there to meet someone new,but make sure that you've done
(25:30):
all that healing first.
So if you're still with me,first of all, thank you.
Breakups are one of the mostuniversal experiences and yet
somehow they still manage tofeel isolating and personal and
almost impossible to explainwhile you're in it.
And if that's where you areright now, if you're in that
blurry space between heartbreakand healing, between knowing
(25:52):
it's over and still hoping thatthey're going to text, I want to
remind you that you're not weakfor hurting.
You're not dramatic forgrieving.
You're not broken for needingtime.
Breakups are just about lettinggo of another person.
They're about untangling youridentity from them and
rebuilding trust with yourselfand figuring out who you are,
(26:14):
without the role and therelationship or the emotional
responsibility that used todefine you.
And yeah, it's going to bereally hard, but you're doing it
one day at a time.
Don't put any pressure onyourself to heal too quickly.
With every boundary that youset, with every journal page
that you fill, with every tear,every breath, every no contact
(26:35):
day that you get through, you'renot just surviving, you're
healing.
This is the work that you'regoing to do.
You're coming home to yourself.
It's a slow process, but it'sreally powerful.
So take your time with it.
Let this season of your lifesoften you, but don't let it
shrink you.
You deserve love that feelssafe, love that doesn't make you
(26:56):
disappear, and you deserve tolove yourself first.
I'm proud of you for being hereand I hope deep down that
you're proud of yourself too.
Thank you for hanging out withme today.
If you like the episode, I'dlove it if you would share it
with someone that you love whoneeds to hear it and heck, share
it with the whole world.
I'd love to help more peopleout there.
I'd also really appreciate itif you would be so kind as to
(27:18):
follow me and maybe leave acomment.
I'm most active on Facebook atthe Codependent Doctor and
threads, and Instagram atdrangeladowney.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you hereagain in two weeks for another
episode of the codependentdoctor.
Take care for now You've gotthis.
(27:39):
Thanks for spending time withme today.
I hope something in thisepisode resonated with you.
If it did, hit, follow,subscribe or share it with
someone who needs to hear ittoday.
The codependent doctor is notmedical advice and doesn't
replace speaking to yourhealthcare provider.
If you're in a crisis, pleasego to the nearest ER or call 911
or reach out to your localmental health helpline.
(28:01):
I'll be back here next weekwith more support stories and
strategies, because we'rehealing together.
Hello, my friends, and welcome back.
Today we're talking aboutbreakups the painful kind, the
confusing kind, the why do Istill miss them, when I know it
wasn't good for me?
Kind Breakups are somethingthat almost all of us go through
, but we don't always talk abouthow deeply they shake us
mentally, emotionally, evenphysically.
Especially if you struggle withcodependency, the end of a
(00:23):
relationship can feel like theend of you.
So in today's episode we'regoing to explore why breakups
hurt so much, how to know whenit's actually time to leave a
relationship, some common redflags, what people say after a
breakup that isn't especiallyhelpful and, most importantly,
what actually does help whenyou're trying to heal from a
breakup.
So get yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat and take a deep
(00:45):
breath.
You are not alone in this.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a podcast where we
unpack the messy, beautifuljourney of healing from
codependency.
If you're burned out frompeople-pleasing, stuck in
unhealthy patterns or just tiredof putting yourself last,
you're in the right place.
I'm Dr Angela Downey, a familydoctor and fellow codependent,
(01:07):
and I'm here to help youreconnect to your authentic self
.
One honest conversation at atime.
Here we go.
Welcome to the 53rd episode ofthe Codependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent who knows firsthandthat no amount of medical
training prepares you for thediagnosis of.
He's just not that into you.
(01:28):
Before I start the episode, Iwant to take a minute to focus
on what we're all grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times Just be grateful.
And if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your
eyes at least once.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways that you can shift
your mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life.
(01:51):
When we pause and think aboutwhat we're grateful for, even
the little things like a goodcup of coffee or a friend who
texts you back really quickly,it helps our brain focus on
what's working instead of what'smissing or what's broken.
It doesn't mean that you ignorethe hard stuff.
It just gives us some balance.
So no, it's not going to fixall your problems, but it might
(02:13):
make them feel a little lighter.
Today I'm grateful for my doggroomer.
I've got two little cockapoosand there's something so
fantastic about picking them upfrom the groomer once they've
had their pot of cure and theysmell so good.
They're excited to come home.
I'm excited to receive them andall is right in the house again
.
I also want to give a shout outto Skye, who I had the pleasure
(02:36):
of meeting a few weeks ago.
She's also practicinggratefulness and she writes I'm
grateful for my safe and stablehome, provided by my steadfast
and caring roommate.
I'm grateful for theopportunity to have met you.
I'm super grateful for yourpodcast, your book and your
journal.
Thank you, skye.
I appreciate the comment andthe thank you and I appreciate
(02:56):
you being a loyal listener.
It's always nice to hear frompeople and sometimes I can be a
little lonely in the podcastbooth here with my microphone
being all by myself, so it'sgreat to hear from the audience
every once in a while.
In today's episode I'm going tobe talking about breakups, so I
want to start by stating theobvious.
Breakups suck, but they don'tjust suck in this generic eat
(03:20):
ice cream and cry on the couchkind of way.
They suck in this very specific, deeply personal and identity
shaking kind of way, becausewhen a relationship ends, you're
not just losing that person,You're losing a routine, you're
losing the rhythm of the daysthat you had and you're losing
these tiny little rituals thatyou enjoyed, even if you didn't
(03:42):
realize that they were anchoringyou.
The things like good morningtexts, letting you know that
someone's thinking of you andthat they care about you, the
way you'd send them the mostrandom little updates, like what
you ate for lunch or how wasyour day at work going.
And this person, they reallyknew you, they knew your
backstory.
They know all the importantfigures in your life, like Karen
(04:04):
, who leaves her leftover lunchin the fridge for weeks, or John
, who's always talking about hisnew car.
This is the person who says notagain, not, karen, without you
needing to get into all thehistory and those details.
They know your life and it'seasy to bring them into
conversations, and then one day,that just stops.
(04:25):
The communication stops and sodoes your sense of belonging,
and that loss can be reallydisorienting and it can really
destabilize you.
It's also why we do weirdthings in the aftermath, like
trying to hold on to theconnection by rereading old text
messages, or maybe you'relistening to songs on repeat on
Spotify until they get soworried that they start checking
(04:47):
in on your well-being.
We're wired biologically to bondto others, so it's not just
cute, it's part of our primalinstinct to bond to others, and
every time that you had avulnerable conversation with
that person, your brain it litup.
So every cuddle, every insidejoke, every time they reached
for your hand, your brain gotthis little hit of oxytocin.
(05:10):
So this is the bonding hormone.
It's the same hormone thatbonds babies to their caregivers
at such a young age.
And dopamine's another hormonethat gets triggered when you're
with someone, especially inthose early honeymoon phases
where everything felt shiny andexciting and full of potential.
Dopamine makes you feel reallygood.
(05:30):
So when that bond is suddenlycut off, your brain starts
freaking out.
You're not just sad.
You're in withdrawal from allof those feel-good hormones,
just like you would be if youwere suddenly cut off of sugar
or caffeine or some otherchemical that you commonly rely
on.
Except, this withdrawal is morecomplicated because it's mixed
(05:53):
in with memories and heartbreakand a future that you had
imagined.
And don't even get me startedon the what-ifs.
So what if I had just been morepatient?
What if we were supposed to endup being together but the
timing was wrong?
What if I never feel that wayagain?
Those questions are going tostart looping in your mind.
(06:14):
Your nervous system goes intosurvival mode.
It doesn't care if therelationship was good for you or
not, it just wants thediscomfort that you're feeling
to stop.
So it pulls you towardsanything that might bring you
the relief of connection, evenif it was toxic and even if it's
over.
This is why people text theirex at 1am.
It's not because they're weak,it's because their body is
(06:35):
craving a hit of somethingfamiliar, something comforting,
even if it's not healthy.
And when I say we can't thinkstraight, I really mean it.
Your frontal lobe, the rational, decision-making part of your
brain, is completely hijacked byemotional pain, cortisol and
fear.
So if you've ever donesomething post-breakup that made
(06:56):
no logical sense, there's aspecial club for that, and I'm
in it as well.
Recovery takes time Time foryour brain to settle, time for
your body to come down, time foryour heart to recalibrate to a
life without your ex in thecenter of it.
The discomfort is a sign thatyou're detoxing from something
that once felt safe, and that'sa very tender and very human
(07:21):
process.
So you need to be gentle withyourself.
You're not crazy.
You're not crazy, you're notweak.
You're just rewiring yourself,and your capacity to love again,
your ability to feel joy again,it's still in there, even if it
doesn't feel that way right now.
I want to talk a little bitabout what happens when you're
(07:42):
in a relationship but you're notsure if you should be or not,
because sometimes the hardestpart isn't grieving the end of
the relationship, it's makingthat decision whether or not
it's time to end it.
This is such a lonely place tobe when your friends are giving
their opinions, when your gut iswhispering something that you
don't want to hear, when thepros and cons list isn't helping
(08:06):
you anymore.
It's so much easier whenthere's a clear and dramatic
reason to go right, like maybethey cheated on you or they
ghosted you.
They scream at you in arestaurant and then boom,
decisions made.
But most of the time it's aquieter process than that.
It's much slower.
Sometimes the reason to leaveisn't this big betrayal.
(08:27):
It's the accumulation of tinyheartbreaks that slowly wear you
down.
This is death by a thousandcuts.
You feel more anxious thanpeaceful in the relationship.
You're constantly editingyourself.
You're shrinking,over-explaining, you might
justify your needs so they don'tfeel like a burden.
You find yourself Googlingthings like how to know if your
(08:49):
relationship is toxic or myhusband's a really nice guy, so
why don't I love him anymore?
And then you immediately feelguilty because you love this
person right, or at least youloved the potential of them.
But let me tell you somethingthat I've had to learn the
really hard way Love is notenough.
You can love someone with yourwhole heart and still know that
(09:12):
it's not working.
You can love someone deeply andstill be hurting all the time.
You can want it to work sobadly and still feel completely
alone in the effort.
One of the clearest signs thatsomething's off is that you're
exhausted, not just tired, butso tired, not from work or life
(09:32):
or your own healing journey, butfrom the relationship itself.
It's like emotional jet lag.
You wake up tense, you go tobed second guessing everything.
You're trying so hard to keepthings good that you've
forgotten what peace even feelslike, and I know that when
you're in it it's really hard totell.
You keep hoping that the goodtimes will outweigh the hard
(09:55):
ones.
You keep thinking that maybeyou just need to be more patient
or more supportive.
But love shouldn't feel likethis job interview, that you're
constantly failing, and maybeyou're lying awake at night
trying to decide if you shouldjust break up now.
And then you think to yourselfwell, I can't leave now.
Their birthday is next month ortheir dad just had surgery, and
then it's Valentine's Day.
(10:16):
Next thing you know you've beendating this person that you're
not sure about for six months,just because you feel guilty.
That's tough and it's reallyunfair for both of you.
I've known people who've stayedtogether just because you feel
guilty.
That's tough and it's reallyunfair for both of you.
I've known people who've stayedtogether just because they felt
bad canceling a trip or theywere supposed to have that
person as their date at awedding.
That's how powerful emotionalresponsibility can feel when
(10:36):
you're codependent.
So if you're listening to thisand you're unsure, if you're
asking yourself is it reallythat bad or am I just being
dramatic?
I want you to pause and askthis instead who do I become in
this relationship?
Do I like that version ofmyself?
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel seen and supported,or do I feel like I'm constantly
(10:59):
managing someone else'sreactions at the expense of my
own peace?
You don't need a big explosionto leave.
You don't need proof ofbetrayal.
Sometimes your own innerexhaustion is the only evidence
that you need.
And if that's the case,trusting yourself enough to
leave is the healing.
So, whatever decision that youmake, you deserve to feel safe
(11:21):
in love, not just chosen, but tofeel cherished, not just
tolerated, but trusted in yourfull self.
That kind of love it does exist,but sometimes you have to leave
what's familiar to make spacefor it, and I know that can be
really scary.
But you don't have to do it allat once.
You just have to start bytelling yourself the truth.
(11:43):
So I want to talk a little bitabout red flags, because in
hindsight we often look back andthink why didn't I see it?
And we can all miss red flags,it's easy.
And just because you missed ared flag it doesn't mean that
you're stupid or naive or you'rereally bad at relationships.
It just means that you'rehoping for the best and you're
(12:03):
filling in the blanks andtrusting that love means that
things are going to get better.
Some red flags are really easyto spot once you're out of it,
but some can be really sneaky.
They fly just low enough underthe radar that you start
doubting your instincts insteadof questioning their behavior,
like when someone doesn'trespect.
(12:24):
When you say no, not in a bigdramatic way, but in those
little kind of repeateddismissals.
You say I don't feelcomfortable with that, and they
push anyway.
Or say come on, it's not thatbad.
You say I need some space, andthey respond by texting you 17
times in a row.
Or they make you feel guiltyfor having boundaries in the
(12:44):
first place, like you're theproblem for not being chill
enough.
That's not love, that's control.
Wearing a really nice smile, ormaybe they apologize for
something, but there's no followthrough.
They don't change theirbehavior afterwards.
They mess up.
You bring it up.
They say all the right things,maybe they might cry a little
bit, and for the next 48 hoursthey're super great.
(13:06):
And you're thinking to yourself, okay, like maybe they really
get it this time.
But then the same thing happensagain and again and again, and
at some point you're just stuckin this emotional groundhog day
with slightly different wordingevery time, and sometimes they
give you just enough breadcrumbsto keep you interested and
(13:27):
engaged with them.
They might send you I miss youtexts at midnight, but then they
flake out on you when theweekend comes around.
Maybe they flirt and then theydisappear altogether, then show
up when you start to pull away.
It's emotional whack-a-mole andsometimes you're constantly
needing to explain your worth.
You're earning their love bydoing things for them, trying to
(13:48):
be easier to love.
Maybe you tone down yourfeelings a little.
Second guess your needs,convince yourself that you don't
really need all that much.
You're in this subtle butreally exhausting performance,
hoping that they're finallygoing to see how low maintenance
and understanding you are andthen magically decide that
you're worth their attention.
It's heartbreaking to watch,but real love doesn't require
(14:11):
you to shrink to fit.
I once had someone tell me thatthey were hesitant to break up
with their partner even thoughthe relationship was clearly
draining them because theirpartner had just started getting
into therapy.
Like he was some houseplantthat you couldn't throw out
because it finally had one newleaf and okay.
So that's a really bad example,because I would never throw out
a houseplant, especially if itshowed promise of a new leaf.
(14:33):
But hopefully you get what I'mtrying to say.
When we see potential, we tendto cling, but just because
someone starts thinking aboutchanging doesn't mean that they
will, and change is not going tohappen in 48 hours.
It can take a few years forthat person to grow and love
themselves enough to be thepartner that you want or need
(14:55):
them to be.
If you're not in a healthyrelationship and it's a
relationship that's not good foryou.
Years is a really long time towait, and when you're
codependent, you've been trained, either as a child or in past
relationships, to second guessyourself, to believe that you're
the one who needs to adjust ortry harder or not take things
(15:17):
too personally and slowly youstart to normalize those red
flags.
You build your life around themlike furniture, around this
crack in the wall.
Love isn't supposed to feellike a puzzle.
You shouldn't have to decode it.
You shouldn't have to provethat you're worthy of basic
respect and safety andconsistency.
You don't have to settle forsomeone who only shows up when
(15:40):
it's convenient for them.
You deserve someone who showsup because they want to,
consistently and openly and withcare.
And if that's not what you'regetting, that's not a
relationship, it's a performance.
It's like being in a really badmovie and guess what?
You get to walk away eventhough you don't know the ending
(16:01):
.
Life is too short to sitthrough a really bad movie.
When you're codependent,breakups can be really bad,
because when you're codependent,the relationship doesn't just
become important, it becomeseverything.
Your identity starts to revolvearound the other person, what
they need, how they feel, whatkind of day they're having.
(16:24):
Your emotional thermostat isset by their mood.
You start scanning constantlyAre they okay?
Are they upset?
Did I do something wrong?
Is it my job to fix it?
What should I do?
What do they need?
You're not just loving them,you're managing them, and maybe
you don't even notice at firstbecause it feels kind of noble
(16:46):
right.
You're being super thoughtful,you're supportive and low
maintenance.
You're being flexible.
You're trying to be the bestpartner that they've ever had.
But slowly your own needs aregoing to get quieter, your own
feelings start to feel like aninconvenience and by the time
that things fall apart yourealize you don't even know
(17:08):
where you end and where thatperson begins.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What do you like?
A few years ago I couldn't haveanswered those questions.
They're simple questions.
I knew who I was to otherpeople, I knew what I meant to
them and I knew what I could dofor them.
But who was I like at my core?
(17:29):
So when the relationship ends,it's just, it's not just them
that you're losing, it'syourself.
It's the version of you thatexisted inside that relationship
, the role that you played, theway you felt you were useful or
needed or attached, and thatkind of loss can feel really
difficult and reallydisorienting.
(17:50):
You start questioningeverything.
Was I too much?
Was I too needy, too emotional?
Maybe I wasn't enough, notpatient enough, not easygoing
enough?
You look back and try topinpoint the exact moment that
things changed, as if figuringit out could somehow take the
pain away.
You might even find yourselffantasizing about getting back
(18:11):
together again, not because youtruly think that things would be
different, but because you justwant that pain to stop.
You want relief and familiarity, that little hit of safety that
your body still associates withthat person, even if in your
mind you know better.
I remember someone once tellingme that they were tempted to get
(18:33):
back with their ex, not becausethey missed the relationship,
but because they missed havingsomeone that they could text,
that they had made at home,safely after work.
And I get it.
It wasn't about romance, it wasabout belonging, that feeling
of being known by someone, andfor anyone who's codependent,
that belonging can feel almostlike oxygen you need it to
(18:56):
breathe.
We're grieving the version ofourselves that we only knew
through that other person.
We miss the purpose that wefelt in taking care of them, we
miss the purpose that we felt intaking care of them.
I often see this when people'schildren go off to college and
you don't need to take care ofthem anymore Maybe you're
retired and your identity assomeone important at work goes
(19:17):
away.
This happens in so manydifferent situations, not just
in relationships.
So when that person is gonewhether that be through like a
breakup or a separation, thatversion of us that we once knew
it disappears.
But this is also an opportunitywe get to reinvent ourselves.
At this point, the grief thatwe're feeling can point us
(19:39):
towards something that we forgotexisted like ourselves, like
ourselves, it's an invitationfor us to come home, to figure
out who we are, when we're notrescuing anyone.
To learn how to be lovedwithout earning it.
To listen to our own needsbefore they become.
These emergencies and this cantake time and it's not always
(20:00):
going to feel really good.
But every time that you chooseto sit with the discomfort
instead of running back towhat's familiar, you're building
this muscle.
And every time you choose tofeel lonely instead of chasing
temporary relief, you'rereclaiming a small piece of
yourself is the cure, but thereal healing is learning that
(20:28):
you're enough all on your own,that your worth isn't tied to
how useful or accommodating oravailable you are to someone
else.
You don't have to be everythingto someone else to be something
to yourself.
And if you're in that raw placeright now, where everything is
just so confusing and untethered, you're not lost.
You're just shedding an oldidentity of yourself, and this
is where you get to reinventyourself.
(20:49):
And while we're on the subjectof heartbreak, I want to talk
about what happens after thebreakup, when you're still raw,
probably questioning everything,and people start trying to help
you.
Sometimes the things thatpeople say after a breakup, they
just land the wrong way andtheir intentions are good, and
let's just go over a couple ofthese examples of things that
(21:12):
people say.
I'm going to give my two centsas to why that support might not
be having the effect that youwant on the friend that you're
giving advice to.
Your friend might say maybeyou're better off.
Maybe, but right now I don'tfeel better off, I feel wrecked,
I feel terrible.
They might say they didn'tdeserve you, which, okay, is
(21:32):
probably true, but right now I'mjust sitting here wondering why
I stayed so long with thatperson who didn't deserve me,
and that's not making me feelany better either.
Friends might say, just getback out there, as if healing is
like falling off a bike and theanswer is to hop on a dating
app while you're stillmetaphorically bleeding.
In the past, I know that I'vetold people that everything
(21:56):
happens for a reason, which,again, is probably true.
But when you're in the thick ofit, that phrase feels like
trying to put a tiny littlebandaid on this gaping wound.
You need time to process what'shappened.
And what people don't realizeis that when you're heartbroken,
you don't want advice, you wantacknowledgement.
(22:16):
You want someone who's going tosit next to you, either
literally or emotionally, andsay yeah, this really sucks and
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry that you'rehurting.
That's it.
Healing isn't going to startwith a solution.
It begins with feeling safe.
It begins with having people bepresent with you, with not
feeling like you have to performstrength while you're quietly
(22:39):
falling apart inside.
So if you're hearing you'rebetter off isn't helping, then
what is going to help.
Here's what I've learned, bothfrom personal heartbreak and
from sitting with other peoplein their heartbreak about what
actually helps when you'retrying to heal.
First, it's important to letyourself grieve.
(22:59):
I know it sounds really obvious, but we are so quick to skip
past this part.
Because who wants to hurt?
We are going to rush to be okayagain.
We slap on these affirmations,we start buying crystals and
binge watching productivityTikToks like we're going to hack
our way back out of thisheartbreak.
But grief doesn't work likethat.
(23:20):
It's really messy.
It's this non-linear path,zigzagging two steps forward,
one step back, and one dayyou're okay and the next you're
crying because you walked pasttheir favorite shampoo in the
drugstore, or maybe somebodysmelled like them, or maybe
someone in the movie said I loveyou, just the way that they
used to do it.
Let yourself be in that moment.
(23:41):
You get to cry and be angry.
You can lie on the floor andlisten to sad music if you need
to.
It's all going to help.
This is all part of thegrieving process.
Step two you can go no contactif needed, and I mean it Like
block, mute, unfollow, archiveall your chats.
You're allowed to protect yournervous system Because every
(24:01):
time that you peek at theirstories or reread an old message
or check to see if they'reonline, you're reactivating that
old attachment.
You're yanking open this woundthat your body is desperately
trying to close like picking offat an old scab.
You're not punishing them byblocking them.
You're just trying to giveyourself some peace and some
(24:22):
space to heal.
Next, get all of that unsaidstuff out, try journaling it.
Talk to a friend or a therapist.
Write a letter that you'renever going to send.
You get to say the things thatyou didn't get to say, or the
things that you did say but youstill need to let go of, because
keeping it all in is just goingto make you stuck stuck in the
(24:43):
past.
And then there's create aritual that's just for you,
something really simple like amorning walk or a playlist that
reminds you of who you werebefore all this happened.
You can light a candle, drinksome tea, whatever it is.
Let it be a reminder thatyou're still here, you're still
a person.
Without them, you still exist.
And finally, when you're ready,you get to start reflecting not
(25:07):
just on what you lost, but onwhat you've learned from that
experience about yourself, yourboundaries, your patterns, what
you want and what you can'taccept in the future.
You get to choose differentlynext time.
And once all of this is done,then you are ready to get back
out there to meet someone new,but make sure that you've done
(25:30):
all that healing first.
So if you're still with me,first of all, thank you.
Breakups are one of the mostuniversal experiences and yet
somehow they still manage tofeel isolating and personal and
almost impossible to explainwhile you're in it.
And if that's where you areright now, if you're in that
blurry space between heartbreakand healing, between knowing
(25:52):
it's over and still hoping thatthey're going to text, I want to
remind you that you're not weakfor hurting.
You're not dramatic forgrieving.
You're not broken for needingtime.
Breakups are just about lettinggo of another person.
They're about untangling youridentity from them and
rebuilding trust with yourselfand figuring out who you are,
(26:14):
without the role and therelationship or the emotional
responsibility that used todefine you.
And yeah, it's going to bereally hard, but you're doing it
one day at a time.
Don't put any pressure onyourself to heal too quickly.
With every boundary that youset, with every journal page
that you fill, with every tear,every breath, every no contact
(26:35):
day that you get through, you'renot just surviving, you're
healing.
This is the work that you'regoing to do.
You're coming home to yourself.
It's a slow process, but it'sreally powerful.
So take your time with it.
Let this season of your lifesoften you, but don't let it
shrink you.
You deserve love that feelssafe, love that doesn't make you
(26:56):
disappear, and you deserve tolove yourself first.
I'm proud of you for being hereand I hope deep down that
you're proud of yourself too.
Thank you for hanging out withme today.
If you like the episode, I'dlove it if you would share it
with someone that you love whoneeds to hear it and heck, share
it with the whole world.
I'd love to help more peopleout there.
I'd also really appreciate itif you would be so kind as to
(27:18):
follow me and maybe leave acomment.
I'm most active on Facebook atthe Codependent Doctor and
threads, and Instagram atdrangeladowney.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you hereagain in two weeks for another
episode of the codependentdoctor.
Take care for now You've gotthis.
(27:39):
Thanks for spending time withme today.
I hope something in thisepisode resonated with you.
If it did, hit, follow,subscribe or share it with
someone who needs to hear ittoday.
The codependent doctor is notmedical advice and doesn't
replace speaking to yourhealthcare provider.
If you're in a crisis, pleasego to the nearest ER or call 911
or reach out to your localmental health helpline.
(28:01):
I'll be back here next weekwith more support stories and
strategies, because we'rehealing together.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.