October 13, 2025 • 58 mins
Ever feel stuck even when you’re motivated and ready to change? In this episode, Kam Knight breaks down the hidden force behind that feeling: internal resistance. We talk about how it shows up as procrastination, overthinking, and self-doubt, plus simple ways to start moving forward.
Grab Kam’s freebie 5 Ways to End Procrastination and Sabotage at kamknight.com, and find him on Instagram and Facebook.
This episode includes a paid partnership with BetterHelp. Click this link, betterhelp.com/drdowney, to get 10% off your first month.
📗 My Books: Enough as I Am (codependency recovery) Enough as I Grow (365 day guide journal). Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
If you've ever found yourself thinking, why can't I
(00:02):
just do this thing that I wantto do?
I know how.
So what's stopping me?
You are not alone.
Today's conversation is allabout internal resistance.
What it is, how it messes withour goals, and the sneaky ways
that it shows up likeprocrastination, overthinking,
or even burnout.
We're breaking it down intosuper relatable pieces.
(00:23):
Why our own desires sometimeswork against us, the mind's
hidden checklist that stallsprogress, and what you can
actually do when you feel stuck.
So grab a cup of coffee, have aseat, and join us.
You are not going to want tomiss this episode.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a podcast where we
unpack the messy, beautifuljourney of healing from
codependency.
(00:43):
If you're burned out from peoplepleasing, stuck in unhealthy
patterns, or just tired ofputting yourself last, you're in
the right place.
I'm Dr.
Angela Downey, a family doctorand fellow codependent, and I'm
here to help you reconnect toyour authentic self, one honest
conversation at a time.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners, and welcome
(01:04):
to the 59th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, Dr.
Angela Downey, a family doctorand fellow codependent here to
help us untangle our patterns,heal our hearts, and reclaim our
peace.
For today's episode, we have aguest with us.
Cam Knight is a coach, aninternational speaker, and
best-selling author of a dozenbooks in the area of mental,
(01:25):
emotional, and physicalperformance.
He is known for bringing freshsolutions and insights that are
a rare departure fromtraditional ideas.
Because of his freshperspective, his books have
become the gold standards fortheir respective topics, which
have helped over 500,000 people.
When he's not coaching orwriting, he's traveling.
He's traveled to over 100countries around the world.
(01:47):
Welcome, Cam.
I'm so glad to have you on theshow today.
How are you doing?
SPEAKER_01 (01:52):
I am doing fantastic, Angela.
Thank you for having me on.
I'm excited as well.
SPEAKER_00 (01:56):
I was really excited that you contacted me.
Your work hits on something thata lot of us experience, but we
can't always name.
It's that frustrating momentwhen we want to do better.
We know what we need to do, butsomething invisible is stopping
us.
As someone who talks a lot aboutcodependency, burnout, and the
emotional toll ofoverfunctioning, I know that my
(02:17):
listeners are really going toresonate with your insights on
internal resistance.
And I mean, like you've writtenlike a dozen books, you've been
to a hundred countries with alot of lived experience behind
you.
So that's going to add a lot ofdepth to our conversation.
So thank you for being here.
SPEAKER_01 (02:35):
No problem.
Again, like I said, I'm reallyhappy to be here.
SPEAKER_00 (02:37):
One of the traditions on my show is that we
discuss something that we'regrateful for because when we
stop to think about what we'regrateful for, it helps our
brains focus on what's workinginstead of what's broken.
So I'd like to ask you, is thereanything that you're especially
grateful for today?
SPEAKER_01 (02:53):
Yes, I am.
And to preface my answer, I wantto say my coach, you know, we
all have coaches, um, was kindof gave us an assignment saying,
go out and look at how whatyou've wanted is already there.
Because a lot of times we wantthings and the universe gives it
(03:14):
to us, but just not in the waywe think it should have, should
have come or the way it shouldlook like.
And I did that last week, and Irealized like most everything
I've wanted, like I have rightnow.
And I was still moving in a modeof like going out and doing and
achieving and getting when Ilike I have it.
(03:38):
So I'm grateful for having to bein the spot where I more or less
have everything I had aspiredfor in the past.
SPEAKER_00 (03:46):
It's amazing.
So now you just you knoweverything that you've got and
everything else is just bonus.
SPEAKER_01 (03:52):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (03:52):
That's that's amazing.
For myself, I am gonna say thatI'm really grateful for the
flexibility that I have in myjob because it really allows me
to work as much as I want, aslittle as I want, when I want.
And that allows me to have theseextra passion projects that I
have, like this podcast.
And I'm starting another podcastcalled Paging Dr.
(04:15):
Mom, where I supportprofessional women who are
juggling careers and kids.
So I'm having a lot of fun, andI wouldn't be able to do that if
it wasn't for, you know, thetype of flexibility that my job
gives me.
So I'm really I'm grateful tohave that in my life.
SPEAKER_01 (04:30):
It looks like you have a lot of flexibility if
you're able to start twopodcasts.
So that's pretty amazing.
SPEAKER_00 (04:36):
Well, this one I've been doing for about a year and
a half, and the other one isjust starting up.
So it's uh it's been a lot offun, and I'm having a great
time.
So let's start by maybe havingyou introduce yourself.
Sure.
Tell us a little bit about yourjourney.
SPEAKER_01 (04:50):
Okay, cool.
So my name is Cam Knight, and Iam uh a mentor, international
speaker, and author of a dozenbooks in the area of mental,
emotional, as well as physicalperformance.
As far back as I can remember,I've been a fairly driven
individual.
Kind of hard not to be living ina culture and society with so
(05:10):
much personal developmentcontent and everyone telling you
to do more, be your best self,and reach for the stars.
As a result, I've always wantedto do more and have more and be
more in life.
And although I've had my fairshare of success, I always felt
like I missed the mark, or thesuccess was much more difficult
than it needed to be.
(05:32):
And I always wondered why thatwas.
Why is it if I want to dosomething, I know what to do, I
know how to do it, and I havethe motivation and desire to do
it, but for one reason oranother, I can't or don't do it.
Now, at the time, there were noclear answers.
The best answers I came acrosswas that you need to have better
(05:53):
beliefs or that you needdiscipline.
And yes, beliefs, discipline,and some of the standard stuff
that gets talked about, they'reall important and they're all
part of the equation.
But I always felt like there wasmore to it.
And over the last 15 to 20years, that question lingered in
my mind.
Every time I was stuck, Iwondered why.
(06:14):
Why can't I get stuff done?
Why do I keep spinning mywheels?
Why don't I just do this dangthing so I can get the result
that I want?
And so the more books I read andcoaching I did and seminars I
attended, the more I waslearning about the complexities
of the brain.
And the running theme that wasalways being discussed is why we
(06:36):
can't do things, or like what'sholding us back, and what um
keeps us from doing this thing,or have good relationships and
things like that.
And over time, my brain startedto come to the realization that
there's a part of our brainthat's designed to hold us back,
(06:56):
and there's a part of ourselvesthat's built to keep us from
growing and making progress.
And I call this part resistance,and it's this brick wall that we
hit anytime that we want to dosomething, but we can't, no
matter how much we want to doit.
SPEAKER_00 (07:11):
So you're talking about internal resistance.
SPEAKER_01 (07:14):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (07:15):
Yeah.
So why do you think so many ofus struggle with internal
resistance?
Even when we want to change,we're we're motivated to change,
but why why do we struggle withit?
SPEAKER_01 (07:25):
So it really helps to understand that the part of
the brain that creates wants anddesires, it works separately and
independent of the part thatallows us to act on that desire.
This is really important, so I'mgoing to repeat it.
The part of the brain thatcreates wants works separately
and independent of the part thatallows us to act on the want.
(07:45):
So we have one part of the brainthat's creating endless wants,
one after another, and itdoesn't check to see if we have
the time, energy, and resources.
It just creates wants.
But then we have the other partof the brain that gives a green
light on whether or not weshould proceed with that want.
And this is the part that checksto see if we have the time,
(08:07):
energy, and resources.
So what's really important tounderstand is the brain can both
create a want and desire forsomething and at the same time
keep us from moving forward withit.
And the way this process playsout is anytime we do have a
want, the brain looks at thatwant through a whole host of
(08:28):
criteria.
And if that desire is not inline with any other criteria,
the brain will prevent action.
And some of the criteria arethings that are kind of obvious
and we know about that getstalked about, like um limiting
beliefs, habits, and comfortzones.
But it gets even deeper, youknow, it gets into our
(08:51):
self-image, it gets into umauthority issues, core needs,
and all of that.
So anytime we want to dosomething, the brain is like
checking through all of that.
And if any of them is not inline, it will prevent action.
And what's really important tounderstand is that it's not just
resistance that can hold usback, but our own wants can hold
(09:12):
us back.
Both of these things can hold usback.
So it doesn't matter how muchmotivation a person has, how
simple the solution is, or evenhow much benefit we can derive.
If this part doesn't give us thego-ahead, and if the wants
aren't conflicting, then wecan't do it.
And it really helps tounderstand what these parts are,
(09:35):
how they work.
Otherwise, we'll kind of bestuck as a lot of us can feel
sometimes.
I hope that made sense.
SPEAKER_00 (09:43):
It it does.
So so we have a want.
There's something that we wantto do.
And there's another part of ourbrain that starts going through
this checklist of is thisachievable or not?
Yeah.
And and that's where we getstuck, right?
So how do we start moving, howdo we how do we start moving
past that?
SPEAKER_01 (10:01):
Well, first is to address these things.
So like I said, it goes througha checklist, and some of them is
not so much just about beingable to achieve it.
Um the limiting beliefs aspectsuh are part of it.
The other parts are about umhabits and comfort zones and
things like that.
So it kind of helps to gothrough all the things that are
(10:24):
holding us back and work throughthem one by one until we can
move forward.
Though unfortunately, it's along process.
Um, because we have to knowessentially psychology and the
human mind at a deeper levelthan, in a ways, a lot of
psychologists, because there'sso many things that can hold us
(10:45):
back.
SPEAKER_00 (10:46):
What are some of these limiting beliefs?
SPEAKER_01 (10:48):
So limiting beliefs um can be anything, and a great
way to understand them is I'llshare a quick story.
Several years ago, I was at thebeach in Chicago and I met a
woman who was telling me thatshe was a model and wanted to
move up to starting her ownmodeling agency in Miami.
And I asked her why Miami andnot New York or LA, as those
(11:12):
cities are the hotspots for theindustry.
And her response was becausethose cities would be too
difficult to get in.
So now she had a belief in hermind that starting a modeling
agency in New York or LA wouldbe too difficult.
Now, whether or not that beliefis true, it influenced her
(11:33):
decision to start an agency inMiami.
So a belief is simply a thinkingof what's possible or our
available options.
Now, what's really important tounderstand about this story is
that we have beliefs aboutwhat's possible to do in the
world and what's possible forus.
(11:53):
So a person can have a beliefthat something is possible.
Like it's possible to start amodeling agency in those cities.
Others can do it, but not me.
It won't happen for me.
And it's really important tolook at both beliefs because we
might think something ispossible, but deep down, not
think it's possible for us.
And when we start going afterit, we will hit hurdles and
(12:17):
blocks and avoidance behaviorbecause that core belief deep
down is saying it's not possiblefor us.
unknown (12:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:24):
I I got the when I was, you know, younger, I kind
of got the message that, youknow, people like us didn't
become doctors, right?
There's nobody else in my familywho's a doctor.
Very few of my family membershad ever gone to university.
So I had these messages that I'dbeen receiving and I believed
them.
I believed that doctors werepeople that were put up on
pedestals, and that wasn't me.
(12:46):
And so when I failed my firstyear of university, it just
reconfirmed everything that Ialready believed.
And it it held me back.
I changed the course of mycareer.
I went into accounting insteadbecause I was good in math and
people told me I was good atthat.
But really, so I did have thisbelief that I was not meant to
take that path.
And something I really wanted todo.
(13:07):
So I'm I'm glad that I was ableto move past it.
But that really held me back formany, many, many years.
SPEAKER_01 (13:13):
Yeah, and this reinforces that that you
probably thought that it waspossible to be a become a
doctor, but deep down there wasthis underlying thinking that
would say it's not possible foryou, you can't do it, it's too
hard.
And although you may not haveeven noticed it, it was there.
And then, of course, um itshowed up in your life with you
(13:36):
failing and then shifting intoaccounting.
So that's how you know beliefscan work.
And there are some good ways tounderstand what our beliefs are,
because like I said, sometimeswe don't know what our beliefs
are.
And what's really interesting issometimes our thinking, it seems
so true.
(13:56):
Like when we're thinking, wecan't do it or it's not
possible.
It just feels so real.
Like, of course, that's the wayit is.
Um, but there's three main waysto tap into your beliefs.
The first is to understand thatour consciously held beliefs
tend to be and usually aredifferent from our unconsciously
(14:18):
held beliefs.
In fact, they can be the quiteopposite.
So, a couple of good examples isyou know, the people who look
the most preteous tend to be themost insecure about their look.
The people who tend to brag andboast tend to be the most
unsure.
And the people who aren'tcompelled to do that tend to be
more secure.
(14:39):
So that's one.
Two is to kind of look at yourlife.
Look at your job, the house youlive in, the car you drive, the
money in your bank account, aswell as the friends you hang out
with and the money in their bankaccount.
Those are all telltale signs ofyour beliefs.
But a more direct way, which Ireally like, is to create a
(15:03):
self-talk statement about achange that you want to have
happen or that you want to have.
For example, let's say, youknow, you wanted to be a doctor,
you would repeat statementslike, I am a doctor, or I am a
successful doctor.
And you would repeat that.
And as you do that, your mind isgoing to retort.
It's going to say things like,No, you're not.
(15:24):
You're this.
Like, you're not smart enough,you'll never be a doctor.
The responses your mind givesyou are telltale signs of the
beliefs that are running youinside, running inside you.
SPEAKER_00 (15:35):
Is it is it possible to jump from I I can't be a
doctor, this is not somethingI'll ever be able to do, to I am
a successful doctor.
That seems like a really bigjump to try and convince my
brain that that I could be adoctor.
It seems like a big jump tobelieve that that's true.
Um, just like if if someone islike, oh, that person's very
(15:56):
attractive, I want to date them,but in your mind, you're like,
that person's way out of myleague, I'll never get them.
To to jump from one beliefsaying that this person is is
out of my league to I'm I'm inthis person's league.
Sometimes that just seems liketoo big of a jump.
Are there steps in between, ordo you have to go and try and
believe that?
SPEAKER_01 (16:15):
Yeah, it is.
It's uh actually a good pointthat you bring up, Angela.
Uh it is a fairly big jump, andpeople will lead us to believe
that we should be able to makethat jump very easily and very
quickly and not fall back.
But that's not the reality ofit.
When we're talking about thebeliefs that are internal, they
(16:36):
do take a little bit of time,but it doesn't mean that they
can't be changed.
And the first step is tounderstand uh what I had kind of
initially said, is that a lot ofour thinking, they it just seems
so true.
And because the thoughts are inour head, we think we're the
ones thinking them.
(16:56):
And because we're thinking them,we think they're valid.
So the first step is tounderstand majority of our
thinking isn't even us thinkingit, it's just thoughts that the
unconscious is throwing up intoour awareness, and a lot of
those thoughts are based on ourresistance.
So if a person can step backfrom the feelings and thoughts
(17:18):
that they have of theirlimitations and say, wait, wait
a minute, although this feelsreal, like how do I know it's
real?
Like, is it really true?
And that's just the first stepin trying to kind of um move
away from that how solid thatfeeling feels.
(17:38):
Another way, interestingly, iswith self-talk.
So as I mentioned, if we dorepeat a set of self-talk
statements, in the beginning,the mind will retort and say
those things like, You couldnever be a doctor.
Remember all the times youfailed, and it even trigger
memories of maybe failures inyour life or embarrassing
(17:59):
moments that is kind of like areminder of that belief that
you're not capable.
But what's interesting is if youkeep repeating it, a lot of that
um response in the mind startsto tone down and the volume
starts to uh go down.
And then if you continuerepeating it, it actually starts
(18:21):
to form newer beliefs, whichmakes it easier to act on.
In fact, I'm a huge proponent ofself-talk, and uh Self-Talk Your
Way to Success was one of myfirst books, and almost every
book I've written, I have achapter on self-talk because I
think it is so important inhelping us shift our thinking
(18:42):
and behaviors, but moreimportantly, the beliefs that
are running inside of us.
And then there's other ways aswell that we can change our
beliefs, and it's through likequestioning and analyzing, like
questioning why we think that weare not caught up for a doctor.
We can say things like, well,maybe in the past that would
(19:02):
have been true, but I know if Iwork hard, that can move us
forward.
And even change our questionsthat we ask ourselves.
Like instead of why am I notsuccessful, or why can't I be a
doctor?
It's like, why would I be agreat doctor, or well, how can I
be a great doctor?
(19:23):
Or what can I do to um becomesomeone who can be successful as
in the medical field?
And when we change ourquestions, it actually
completely shifts our whole wayof you know processing that
action.
SPEAKER_00 (19:42):
It gives you some form of control now.
SPEAKER_01 (19:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (19:45):
Because now you're in the driver's seat.
What can I do to be this personthat I want to be?
And you start taking those stepsto get there.
So instead of being kind of justa victim who this is happening
to, I, you know, society's notallowing me to be a doctor.
SPEAKER_01 (19:59):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (20:00):
What can I do?
So it gives you something thatyou can actually move forward
to.
I like that.
SPEAKER_01 (20:04):
Yeah, it's really important because when you ask,
like, why can't I succeed inthis?
The mind will come up with allsorts of reasons.
It'll even say things like,Well, you're of this sex, you're
of this demographics, you're youdidn't have a good upbringing.
I mean, you'll just find all thereasons, and every reason that
it comes up, it just nails acoffin in reinforcing that
(20:27):
limiting belief.
But as soon as you just shiftthat question to how can I, it's
not even thinking about why wecan't.
It's just thinking about how canI?
It's like, oh, well, I couldwork harder, I could get a
tutor, I could do this.
And if we choose to act on theanswers, it can move us in that
direction.
SPEAKER_00 (20:48):
Do you think that most of these negative messages
are coming from society, or isthat just kind of something
within us, or we have a lack ofconfidence?
SPEAKER_01 (20:57):
It's not so much coming from us, per se.
And um, you know, I help peoplea lot.
I've developed a technique thathelps people where I can help
people go into their unconsciousand to work on um their
challenges and blocks and someof their trauma and PTSD at the
unconscious level.
And sometimes we get to a pointwhere their mind is berating
(21:23):
them.
You know, they're saying allsorts of stuff like, you won't
be cut off for this, you'reugly, you can't do anything
right.
And I will tell my clients, I'mlike, I want you to understand
that that's not your voice,that's the voice of the people
in your lives.
And the way the brain works isas we're growing up, it is
(21:44):
picking up the voices of thepeople around us.
And it's actually designed to dothat.
So if you know we were growingup in a healthy relationship
environment, people would beteaching us what to do, showing
us how to move through the worldand all of that.
And so as we do grow up, theirvoices enter into our head as a
(22:06):
way to continue the guidance.
So their voice becomes ourvoice.
Now, what's really interestingis the mind doesn't look at to
see if the voice is negative orpositive.
All it does is just pick up thevoices that were around us.
So if it's negative, it's gonnapick up negative voices.
And what's really crazy aboutthat is as we're growing up and
(22:29):
it's picking up those voices andthey enter in our head, we start
thinking we're saying thosethings.
And because we think we'resaying those things, we believe
those things.
But real but the reality is theywere just voices from you know
people in our past, and it'susually our parents.
Uh, the mind puts a lot moreweight on our parents, it's a
(22:51):
lot from um our peers.
So if we had um brothers andsisters who weren't so kind, as
well as bullies and things likethat, their voice does enter
into us.
And like I said, the mostdifficult part about it is that
as we are getting older andthose their voices start
repeating in our head, becauseit's in our head and we think
(23:14):
we're saying it, and it justkind of reinforces it.
This is why I had said earlier,in fact, a few times, really
important to question thethoughts in your head.
You may think you're thinkingthem, but it's really just the
voice of resistance that's justcoming up.
SPEAKER_00 (23:27):
So if you have a parent who keeps pointing out
that you know you shouldn't gofor that second plate or you
should be exercising more, theseare constant reinforcements for
you.
And in future, you're gonna behyper-focused on on your weight.
Okay.
These are the messages that yougot growing up.
And as a parent, we alwaysstrive to do the best that we
can.
(23:48):
Sometimes it's hard to know youknow how the things that we tell
our kids are are affecting themand and what what they're
hearing and what they'reretaining.
SPEAKER_01 (23:57):
Yeah, it is challenging because our parents
want us to stay safe.
And especially when we're kids,we don't know what is right and
wrong and safe and unsafe orhealthy or unhealthy.
And so they do have to kind ofput a lot of walls so we don't
do anything that can be damagingto ourselves.
(24:18):
Unfortunately, in doing that, itdoes kind of carry over as
adulthood, and sometimes ourbrain can pick up certain
things, uh, a father or motheror brother or a peer said, and
in a way, like kind of run ourlife.
Like it's crazy, but like onestatement somebody says at a
(24:38):
certain point in our childhoodcan become the shotgun that gets
heard around the world, and itbecomes so true, and they live
their life that way.
SPEAKER_00 (24:47):
Yeah, I once heard a boy at school make a comment
about how I looked, and it'sfunny how that one comment stuck
with me for like 20, 30 years.
And and and so many other peoplehave said good things, but this
one negative comment, that's theone that I believed.
SPEAKER_01 (25:04):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:05):
And it and it stuck with me for a really long time.
And um, so it's it's we're we'resurrounded by people all the
time, and you want to besurrounded by good people.
But sometimes these negativecomments come out, and it's it's
hard to know what to believesometimes.
SPEAKER_01 (25:21):
Yeah.
And uh something that could behelpful to you and as well as
your listeners is to understandthe brain puts a lot more weight
on the negative comments.
So we can hear 10 positivethings, but it's that one
negative that the brain reallygets hooked on and um sticks to.
(25:43):
And it's kind of there's areason for it.
It helps us survive.
It's because we humans, asamazing as we are, as amazing as
our bodies and our mind and evenour hands, the complexity that's
involved in it, like we stillhaven't been able to create
computers and robots that can dowhat we can do.
(26:04):
We're getting there closer, butit's taking a long, long time.
At the same time, we'reextremely fragile.
Like the simplest things canhurt or injure us or end our
life.
And because there's so manydangers and we are fragile in
that sense, the brain doesprioritize more negative than
the positive.
(26:25):
It makes sense, it helps ussurvive.
But like you said, and theeffect of that is that we can
hear all these positives, butit's that one negative that can
really be like a dagger to ourheart.
And I'll give a really greatexample.
So I am an author, and as anauthor, I met a lot of other
authors, especially some reallysuccessful ones.
(26:48):
And what I have found, um, and Iwent through this, and and you
know, a lot of authors do, isthat we can get a hundred
positive reviews on our books,but that one, like, it hurts.
It just hurts.
And so, yes, when we do get thatnegative, it does help to switch
that and reinforce the positive,but it takes a lot more.
(27:11):
It takes like five to tenstatements to just neutralize
that negative, and then we needa few more to kind of push past
it.
So if we just a reminder topeople if they are getting
negative comments in their life,either whether from others or
themselves, it's important toswitch it with positive
self-talk statement, though notjust with one, but like five to
(27:34):
ten times more is just the wayit is.
SPEAKER_00 (27:36):
Yeah, it's hard getting those those negative
messages.
And it it often goes, it justreconfirms an insecurity that
you already have.
SPEAKER_01 (27:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (27:46):
And um it's hard to work through sometimes.
And I think you mentioned at thebeginning that you have a coach,
I have coach, I have atherapist, and these are all the
people who help me work throughthese issues.
Yeah.
Because we all go through themand it's it's not a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_01 (28:01):
No, no, it's um it's not fun, but when we can get
through it, it's like, okay, I'mglad I went through it because
there was some positives andbenefits.
But when we're in it, it's like,oh, this sucks.
Like um, so yeah, it is achallenge, and it does help to
have good coaches and mentorsthat you resonate with, and
(28:24):
people who kind of canunderstand where you're at and
know how to help you moveforward easily.
Because I'm not saying therearen't any bad or good, it's
just that it helps to find onethat fits you, where you're at,
how you operate, and theyunderstand that.
So they can help you movethrough it soon quicker than
(28:48):
longer.
So the reason I bring that up isyou know, I've cycled through
different coaches, and I in factit's actually important to have
multiple coaches and mentors,which is what I do have.
I'm very fortunate um for that,so it's another thing I'm
grateful for.
But it's really important to benot just like getting any coach,
like knowing yourself andknowing what's gonna be most
(29:12):
optimal for you and seekingthat.
SPEAKER_00 (29:14):
What are some causes of resistance that most people
wouldn't ever think of?
Something hidden or unexpected.
SPEAKER_01 (29:21):
So, yeah, there's two that I'm gonna share because
I think it's really importantand it's affecting all of us.
One is um what I call a coreneed.
So, as humans, we have all sortsof needs, like the need for
attention, affection, love, andeven physical contact.
And some of these needs aredeeply ingrained into us, like
(29:43):
the need for a mother's love ora father's guidance.
When we don't receive it, itcreates pain, a lot of pain.
The kind of pain that can make aperson go crazy.
That's how deeply ingrainedthese needs are.
Now, if growing up, The brainlearns that these needs can't be
met, won't be met, or is toodangerous to be met, the brain
(30:07):
will prevent us from going afterthe need.
Makes sense, right?
Unfortunately, because these arecore needs, the need doesn't go
away.
It just gets louder and strongerand more painful.
But since the brain believesthese needs can't be met, it
feels it has no other choice butto distract us from it.
(30:29):
And there's many ways the brainwill distract us from these core
needs.
And one of them is to make ourlives difficult, challenging,
and keep us from finishinganything we start.
So our focus is always onproblems and not this pain.
And I'll share a reallyimportant story about this.
I knew someone who wantednothing more in life than the
(30:51):
love of his dad.
But his dad never gave it tohim.
And it hurt him.
It hurt him a lot.
So much so that he lived ahectic life, living paycheck to
paycheck, never being able tomake ends meet.
The reason his brain did that isbecause if he could finish what
he started, his life would begood.
And if his life was good, thispain would be at the forefront
(31:15):
of his awareness.
But because the brain believedthis pain or need could never be
fulfilled, it felt it had noother choice but to distract
distract him from it.
And the way it did that was tokeep him constantly
procrastinating and sabotaging.
So the focus was always onproblems and not the pain.
So this is a pretty wild reason.
(31:37):
And a lot of something thatpeople wouldn't think of when
they're stuck, not able tofinish their homework or not
able to take the next step in,you know, their goal.
That, oh wow, finishing thisthing could mean that I have
this like core need that Ididn't realize I had would
become at the forefront of myawareness, and my brain is
(31:59):
stopping me from that.
And this is a challenging one.
SPEAKER_00 (32:01):
Very subconscious, right?
You're not subconsciously doingum people don't usually think
that they're going out lookingfor chaos in their life.
It's there.
SPEAKER_01 (32:12):
It is, and and that's a challenge of you know,
being humans because of themind, because there's no direct
line of communication betweenthe conscious and unconscious.
Much of the unconscious ishidden, which is why it's called
the unconscious.
But so we can't see how ourunconscious patterns are
affecting our conscious thoughtsas well as our behaviors.
(32:35):
So we could have this, you know,core need or thing, and the
brain is like, well, since itcan't be met, I'm gonna create
destruction and havoc in yourlife.
And what's crazy is even if youtold the person, hey, this is
what's causing this behavior, orwhy you're kind of creating
chaos in your life, they can'timagine it.
(32:57):
Like they can never see thatconnection because the
unconscious is hidden.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:03):
I can't see why somebody would go out looking
for chaos in life, but I I thinkI've done it.
The my marriage wasn't working,and all I wanted to do was buy
another dog and the house and doall these things, everything so
that I didn't actually have todeal with the unhappiness that I
had in my marriage at the time.
SPEAKER_01 (33:24):
That's exactly it.
So it it can be from a core needor a core pain.
And so it sounds like for you itwas a core pain because there
was a lot of unhappiness.
The other um not so commonlyknown reason that person
wouldn't think of, which I thinkis really important to know,
especially in this country,because a lot of people here
(33:46):
have it, is authority issues.
So authority issues relate toour unconsciously held attitude
toward authority figures such asparents, principals, priests,
police officers, and evenpersonal development coaches
like ourselves.
And I'm gonna extend thatdefinition to anyone who tells
(34:06):
you or makes you feel obligatedto do something.
So I had a friend whose parentsnagged and pestered him about
cleaning his room.
They nagged and pestered him somuch that he became spiteful
towards him and unknowinglycarried that spite for decades.
So he didn't know why hecouldn't stay clean or organized
(34:28):
until he saw a therapist thathis messy lifestyle was
triggered by his parents from 20years ago.
He didn't know why he couldn'tstay clean no matter how hard he
tried.
And our authority issues, theycan last a long time.
People can go years or decadesresisting an authority and
(34:49):
consequently not do anythingthey've ever said or take any
advice they've ever given, nomatter how long ago they said or
gave it.
We can hold resentment to ourgrave.
So what that means is that tothis day, in this very moment, a
person may be unable to listento a parent, teacher, or a boss
(35:11):
because they are resisting them.
And no matter what they say,they can't do it.
Even if they get to a pointwhere they realize, hey, this is
healthy or this is going to bebeneficial to me, they still
can't because the authorityissues are skipped in.
So this is a reason why somepeople have a difficult time
(35:33):
studying because of all theteachers telling them to study.
This is also the reason why somepeople have a difficult time
being on time, because at somepoint someone was always on
their case about being timely.
Or they're being resisted todiet and exercise because an
overbearing father or mother ora boy or girlfriend was so
(35:55):
overbearing about it.
And the opposite can also betrue.
Um, we may have been told not towatch so much television or eat
so much junk food, and now webinge like it's going like it's
going out of style.
And we may think it's because weenjoy television or junk food,
but the reality is we'reresisting some authority at
(36:17):
large for telling us what to do.
And it's also the reason why alot of people still drink,
smoke, and get high, even asadults, in a way to
unconsciously give the big F youto all the people who said it
was bad for them.
SPEAKER_00 (36:32):
Yeah, that's that's what I was thinking when you're
talking.
I'm like, oh, I I think I'vedone that for sure.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna show you.
SPEAKER_01 (36:40):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (36:41):
Yeah, even though I know it's not good for me.
SPEAKER_01 (36:44):
Um and here's the thing about authority issues
hurts no one else but ourselves.
When we don't listen to theteacher, it doesn't necessarily
hurt her grades, it hurts ours.
When we don't listen to ourparents, it doesn't necessarily
affect their health, it affectsours.
And what's more is that a lot oftimes our authority issue
(37:05):
response is in an attempt tohurt them, like we want to hurt
them by not listening to them.
But it really hurts us.
And what's crazy is that a lotof times our authority issue
response is to outsmart them.
Like, oh, I'll show you.
Like you're telling me to dothis or I need to do this, but
I'll show you that I don't needto.
(37:26):
And then we overwork, get worseresults, trying to do something
different.
And instead of outsmarting them,we look like the fool.
SPEAKER_00 (37:35):
I was gonna say, I feel like everyone out there
who's got teenagers is shakingtheir heads and along, going, Is
this what's happened?
SPEAKER_01 (37:43):
This is it.
And what's crazy is the parentwants to help the child, but
just because of this dynamic,the child can't receive it.
The more the parent tries, themore it pushes the child away.
And it's one of the challengingaspects of I think being humans,
and the challenge one of thechallenges we have as trying to
(38:05):
stay in a functional society,because just by telling
something someone what to dothat could be helpful, they want
to not do it.
So it creates a lot ofchallenges for people in
positions of education, law,like police officers, judges,
because I do believe they aretrying to be helpful, but in
(38:27):
their efforts, it creates theopposite outcome.
And what's really important forpeople to at least understand it
in themselves, because yeah,they could be experiencing that
with the child, but they'reprobably doing it themselves as
well, is that this authorityissue response can be pretty
automatic and rapid fire.
Like a desire comes up, and it'slike, no, I don't want to do
(38:49):
that.
Another desire comes up, no, Idon't want to do this either.
I don't want to go here, I don'twant to do that.
And our authority issue responsejust shuts down all these things
without us even having a say init.
And again, because the responseis coming from us, we think
we're the ones making thedecision.
When it's really this thing thathas kind of got triggered into
(39:11):
us since we were young.
So a lot of challenges andcomplexities to the human mind
and brain and um how and all thedifferent reasons resistance
shows up.
SPEAKER_00 (39:25):
So, do you have any advice as a parent?
You're trying to get your kid toclean up their room and trying
to do all these things, and theyare resisting because you're the
authority figure.
How do we how do we move pastthat?
I have to realize I can'tcontrol another person.
Um, you know, they have to towant to do that.
But is there a way to get buy-inor or get some kind of
arrangement going where theyclean up their room?
SPEAKER_01 (39:47):
I'm gonna share a couple of strategies.
The first, it actually startsfrom when the child is young,
because what the child islooking for is that love of the
mother and the guidance of thefather.
That child is built for it.
Like I said, when they don'treceive it, it's painful.
And if a parent doesn't show upthat way at a young age, that
(40:10):
child is going to get upset.
He's the child's not gonna knowwhy it's upset.
It just knows it's not receivingsomething that it's built to and
it should.
And because it gets upset,that's when the authority issue
starts coming, because it'slike, well, why should I do
this?
I'm not gonna get this thingthat I need.
And so it builds over time.
Two, there needs to be some sortof like a relationship between
(40:35):
the parent and the child.
Uh, what I've noticed in thisculture, outside of other
cultures I've been to, is thatwe tend to hurt our children.
You know, we send them toschool, and then from school to
soccer practice, from soccerpractice to piano lessons, piano
lessons to whatever.
They come home.
We're not actually engaging withthe child much, we're not
(40:57):
talking to them, understandingtheir pains, what's going on for
them internally.
So, of course, there is noconnection the child has to the
parent, and so the brain isn'tgoing to listen to somebody that
it doesn't have a connection to.
And those things don't happen,you know, right away.
It takes time to develop.
So that's gonna be really key.
And then the third, it's alittle bit harder, is when we
(41:20):
want something from anotherperson, it naturally makes the
wall go up in that person.
It's just a really weird part ofhuman dynamics, which is why
they tell you on a first day,don't go, don't be too excited,
because it literally, the otherperson creates a wall and uh
they can lose attraction foryou.
This is why when someone is toopushy in sales, even though we
(41:44):
want to buy the thing, we can'tbecause our wall goes up.
And we don't notice our wall goup, it just goes up.
And even if we want to do it, wecan't.
And so just by a parent wantingthe child, even if there wasn't
authority issues, it's gonnabring up the wall in the child
to a certain degree.
(42:05):
And the more the parent wantsit, the more the wall goes up.
And what's really interesting isthat when the wall goes up, the
parent wants the child to listeneven more.
And then it makes their wall goup even further and it becomes
this feedback loop.
So in these situations, it helpsto reduce the want of the
parent.
(42:25):
I know it soundscontraintuitive.
Instead of, you know, pushingthe child or like really wanting
the child, let go of thatdesire.
And when you can let it go, thewall and the child can come
down, and it's easier to havethat communication or
interaction that the parent isseeking.
This is challenging, but it ispossible, and it's what my
(42:48):
technique that I talked aboutdoes.
Uh, we go into the unconsciousand we break these needs that we
have or other people.
And when we can do the work onourselves, magically the people
around us change.
So I hope those things werehelpful.
SPEAKER_00 (43:02):
Yeah, that was really helpful.
Thank you for that.
A lot of my listeners, includingmyself, we struggle with setting
boundaries and putting ourselvesfirst.
So, how can internal resistancebe playing a role in those types
of patterns?
SPEAKER_01 (43:16):
A big role.
So when we feel undeserving orwhen we have limiting beliefs,
we don't feel like we can havegood things or that we can go
after things.
And worse, our brain makes itharder to do it.
And so if we have like the lowdeserving and limiting beliefs,
(43:37):
it's naturally going to createlow boundaries to make things
harder for us to get things thatwe want.
And sometimes, and it's hard,it's like we need to set
boundaries around people, andmore importantly, we actually
need to cut unhealthy people outof our lives.
This is something that doesn'tget talked about a lot, but this
is something that I to havegotten to success I have, 12
(44:01):
books, traveling to 100countries, working through some
of the deeper mental andemotional challenges I had to be
able to get to this point whereI can talk to you intelligently,
took a lot of work.
And there were a lot of peopleon my path who weren't helpful.
And not only were they nothelpful, but in some ways they
were pulling me down or theywanted to pull me down.
(44:23):
And it's actually hard to bearound people like that and
still try to make progress.
It's it's like a tackle workthat goes on.
And what I found was the easiestway was to cut them out.
So there's a part of my brainthat isn't expending all this
energy and resources to try tofigure out what they're gonna
(44:43):
say and how to counteract it andand all that stuff that we need
to do to manage people.
Once we can cut it out, it is alot easier to move uh forward.
Though it's not easy to alwayscut people out.
SPEAKER_00 (44:57):
It's very scary.
SPEAKER_01 (44:58):
Yeah, especially if they are like related to you.
And there have been moments wheneven my parents, I had to cut
out, and even my brothers andsisters.
If they I find them to be kindof destructive, they're I have
to put a lot of effort just sothey don't destroy their own
life, it takes a toll on me andwhat I want to do.
And I can do what I can, but ata certain point, it's like, all
(45:20):
right, I need to take a breakfrom you guys so I can do what I
want to move forward in.
SPEAKER_00 (45:27):
It's hard setting boundaries.
SPEAKER_01 (45:28):
It's hard.
SPEAKER_00 (45:29):
It's hard having those conversations.
But when you can have them andwhen you do get there, it can be
really helpful.
Do you have any favoritestrategies that you can include
or mindset shifts that can helppeople move through the internal
resistance that they have?
So internal resistance, one is avery deep topic because I it's
not just about and I I feel likewe're not gonna cover everything
(45:50):
in this episode, and you're justsuch a fountain of information.
I don't know where to stop, butwe might have to uh come back
for another episode at somepoint.
This is really interesting.
SPEAKER_01 (45:58):
Sure, I'd love to.
Um I do enjoy talking and um,you know, try to give as much
info as possible.
So a lot of times it helps towork on the specific cause of
the resistance.
So if we do have the limitingbeliefs that we kind of talked
about earlier in the episode,then we work on the beliefs.
If our cause of resistance isauthority issues, then we work
(46:19):
on we need to do the thingsrelated to authority issues.
And if it's uh related to a coreneed or some other um cause of
resistance, then we need to dothe things that work on that.
The reason I say that is becauseyou can't use a one-fit-all
approach.
You can't use what works forlimiting beliefs on authority
issues, and what works forauthority issues is not really
(46:40):
gonna work for core needs.
And so that's one reallyimportant thing.
Though there are certain thingsthat we can do that can work on
all of it in a safe and easyway, and I really like to go
back to the self-talk.
And one thing that helps huge inhelping people take more action
(47:02):
and proactive action is aself-talk that I have created
that took me nearly 15 years andtraveling to over a hundred
countries to narrow it down to,and anyone who repeats this has
pretty profound shifts in umbeing able to do more.
Do you think you would like to,or your audience would like to
(47:26):
hear what that is?
SPEAKER_00 (47:27):
Yeah.
Transformative.
SPEAKER_01 (47:34):
Yeah.
And the reason I do self-talk, Iwant people to understand,
because when we're dealing withresistance, you want to take the
smallest action that has thebiggest effect.
Small things that you can dothat can have um the big changes
or that help you take the biggersteps.
And I do believe self-talk isone of them.
So I'm gonna give thestatements.
(47:56):
The first is I'm a do-it-nowperson.
I easily do things now, I easilyaccomplish my goals right away.
So there's a lot of psychologybehind why this statement works
so well.
The first part of the statement,I'm a do-it-now person, it
creates an identity andself-image that you're a person
that does things now.
(48:16):
We didn't get into it in thispodcast, but self-image and
identity is also a reason whyresistance can come up.
So it neutralizes that and itcreates an identity that you're
a person who does things now, soit makes it easier to do things.
Now, doing things is not alwaysfun, it's painful and stressful,
which is why the second part ofthe statement is there, and that
(48:38):
I easily do things now.
If a person repeats that, itmakes it easier to do the things
that they're wanting to.
So it's not like so much of astrain or creates so much um uh
burnout.
And then the last part is Ieasily accomplish my goals right
away.
And that's important becauseit's easy to do a lot of things,
(49:00):
but spin or spin in circles, notreally going in any direction.
And that one helps the brain tofocus on a goal or a specific
target to move into.
And even if a person doesn'thave a goal or target, if they
repeat that, their brain willstart to form one.
So it's I'm a do-it-now person,I easily do things now, I easily
(49:22):
accomplish my goals right away.
So that's the first statement,and this creates forward
momentum and action.
But we still need to neutralizethe things that hold us back.
And a lot of it does come downto undeserving and limiting
beliefs, um, the things I kindof mentioned.
So the second part is I deserve,have permission, and am having
(49:44):
good things.
And the reason why that works sowell is again, it neutralizes
that core thing that I don'tdeserve that's creating a lot of
our challenges.
So if we can say I'm deserving,I have permission, this is
important because since we werekids, we have been constantly
told what to do, what not to do,how to do it, how not to do it.
(50:07):
And so, in a way, it trained ourbrain to constantly seek
permission before we're doingthings.
And what's amazing is I go toseminars and events and speak
all the time.
And what I've noticed is peoplepay good money to come to these
events to hire coaches,essentially to give them
permission to go after things.
(50:28):
So you can give yourselfpermission.
And the last part of thestatement, um, I'm having good
things, it's the action of it.
So it's if you repeat that, thegood things start coming.
So I deserve, have permission,I'm having good things.
Now, for somebody withassertiveness challenges and
they want to be more assertive,you know, you can read a lot of
(50:50):
books on assertiveness.
I have a book on assertivenesscalled Assertiveness Made
Simple.
But the challenge is you got toread the book, you have to
understand how to go through theemotions of it, what to say,
what not to say in the rightmoments, and it can take a while
to develop that skill.
Or you can just repeat someself-talk statements like I am a
(51:12):
calm, assertive communicator.
I easily communicate my needsand wants.
If you repeat those twostatements, you'll start to
become much more assertive andmuch quicker than going out
reading and developing a skill.
So four statements, it'll changeyour life.
SPEAKER_00 (51:31):
Oh, Cam, we have 12 books.
So if someone were to startsomewhere in those 12 books,
where would you suggest thatthat we start?
SPEAKER_01 (51:42):
Um, I think speed reading would be the best book.
Speed reading, right?
Speed reading right behind me.
It's learn to read a 200-pagebook in one hour.
It has over 5,000 ratings onAmazon.
I would say start there becauseit'll teach you to consume
information faster.
Not just faster, but in a waywhere you understand more and
(52:04):
remember longer.
And so if once we can learn tostart understanding how people
put together information so wecan understand it better and how
to actually zip through it in avery natural and easy way.
The reason I wrote that book isI find that a lot of people
reading is like kind of apainful and annoying and just
(52:25):
like not a pleasant experience.
And with that book, it doesn'ttake a lot of training, just
shifting the way you look atwords, and within a few minutes,
you'll be doubling to triplingyour reading speed with better
comprehension and memory inliterally minutes.
And then from there, you can notonly go through information
(52:46):
faster, but get more out of it,so it could be useful.
SPEAKER_00 (52:49):
So we read that one book on speed reading, and then
we can get through the elevenother eleven in in no time.
SPEAKER_01 (52:57):
Yeah.
Though if people like thisconcept of internal resistance,
I have a course called ConquerInternal Resistance.
And it's a deep dive into thistopic.
Like I said, we only covered afew causes of resistance.
Um but this um this course goesinto a dozen more.
And we didn't even talk aboutour how our wants get in the
(53:19):
way.
There are many challenges ourwants create, and this course
dives into that.
But more importantly, when thebrain doesn't want us to do
something, it doesn't tell usthat it is.
Instead, it uses manipulativetricks.
That's how procrastination andsabotage show up.
And the course has dozens oftricks our brain is using on us
(53:40):
on a regular basis that we don'teven know about.
And these tricks are soconniving that you wouldn't
think of them as tricks, whichis why they work so well and why
we so easily fall for them.
So they can get that as well.
SPEAKER_00 (53:55):
Yeah, I can put all that in the show notes, and you
also have a freebie.
SPEAKER_01 (54:00):
Five ways to end procrastination and sabotage.
It's a really good um PDF thatpeople like.
It goes into the psychology ofthese tricks that show up, and
people can understand how thesetricks are showing up, they'll
be um not so easily manipulatedby them, and so they can make
forward progress much sooner andquicker.
(54:22):
And they can get all of that atmy website, camknight.com.
That's K-A-M-K-N-I-G-H-C.com, orthey can text me the word flow,
f l-o w to 26786, and they'llreceive that PDF.
SPEAKER_00 (54:39):
Amazing, Cam.
I want to thank you so much forbeing here with us.
This was such a greatconversation, and I loved it.
And you are a fountain ofinformation, and I feel like
there's just so much more thatwe could be talking about.
So I'd love to have you as aguest again in the future.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
And yeah, it's giving me atotally new way of thinking
(55:00):
about things.
So I appreciate you being heretoday.
SPEAKER_01 (55:02):
Yeah, you're welcome, Angela.
This was fantastic, this wasfun.
SPEAKER_00 (55:05):
Thanks for everyone for hanging out with us today.
Um, if you like the episode, I'dlove it if you would share it
with someone who needs to hearit.
I'm sure there's lots of peopleout there who would benefit and
heck just share it with thewhole world.
I'd love to help more people outthere.
I'd also love it if you would beso kind as to follow and maybe
leave a comment for the episode.
I'm most active on Facebook atthe Codependent Doctor and
(55:26):
Instagram at DRAngela Downey.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster better
relationship with the mostimportant person, yourself.
I'm gonna talk to you again intwo weeks with another episode
of the Codependent Doctor.
Take care for now.
You've got this.
Thanks for spending time with metoday.
I hope something in this episoderesonated with you.
(55:46):
If it did, hit follow,subscribe, or share it with
someone who needs to hear ittoday.
The codependent doctor is notmedical advised and doesn't
include speaking to yourhealthcare provider.
If you're in a crisis, please goto the nearest ER or call 911 or
reach out to your local mentalhealth health planning.
I'll be back here next week withmore support new stories and
strategies as we're healingtogether.
If you've ever found yourself thinking, why can't I
(00:02):
just do this thing that I wantto do?
I know how.
So what's stopping me?
You are not alone.
Today's conversation is allabout internal resistance.
What it is, how it messes withour goals, and the sneaky ways
that it shows up likeprocrastination, overthinking,
or even burnout.
We're breaking it down intosuper relatable pieces.
(00:23):
Why our own desires sometimeswork against us, the mind's
hidden checklist that stallsprogress, and what you can
actually do when you feel stuck.
So grab a cup of coffee, have aseat, and join us.
You are not going to want tomiss this episode.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a podcast where we
unpack the messy, beautifuljourney of healing from
codependency.
(00:43):
If you're burned out from peoplepleasing, stuck in unhealthy
patterns, or just tired ofputting yourself last, you're in
the right place.
I'm Dr.
Angela Downey, a family doctorand fellow codependent, and I'm
here to help you reconnect toyour authentic self, one honest
conversation at a time.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners, and welcome
(01:04):
to the 59th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, Dr.
Angela Downey, a family doctorand fellow codependent here to
help us untangle our patterns,heal our hearts, and reclaim our
peace.
For today's episode, we have aguest with us.
Cam Knight is a coach, aninternational speaker, and
best-selling author of a dozenbooks in the area of mental,
(01:25):
emotional, and physicalperformance.
He is known for bringing freshsolutions and insights that are
a rare departure fromtraditional ideas.
Because of his freshperspective, his books have
become the gold standards fortheir respective topics, which
have helped over 500,000 people.
When he's not coaching orwriting, he's traveling.
He's traveled to over 100countries around the world.
(01:47):
Welcome, Cam.
I'm so glad to have you on theshow today.
How are you doing?
SPEAKER_01 (01:52):
I am doing fantastic, Angela.
Thank you for having me on.
I'm excited as well.
SPEAKER_00 (01:56):
I was really excited that you contacted me.
Your work hits on something thata lot of us experience, but we
can't always name.
It's that frustrating momentwhen we want to do better.
We know what we need to do, butsomething invisible is stopping
us.
As someone who talks a lot aboutcodependency, burnout, and the
emotional toll ofoverfunctioning, I know that my
(02:17):
listeners are really going toresonate with your insights on
internal resistance.
And I mean, like you've writtenlike a dozen books, you've been
to a hundred countries with alot of lived experience behind
you.
So that's going to add a lot ofdepth to our conversation.
So thank you for being here.
SPEAKER_01 (02:35):
No problem.
Again, like I said, I'm reallyhappy to be here.
SPEAKER_00 (02:37):
One of the traditions on my show is that we
discuss something that we'regrateful for because when we
stop to think about what we'regrateful for, it helps our
brains focus on what's workinginstead of what's broken.
So I'd like to ask you, is thereanything that you're especially
grateful for today?
SPEAKER_01 (02:53):
Yes, I am.
And to preface my answer, I wantto say my coach, you know, we
all have coaches, um, was kindof gave us an assignment saying,
go out and look at how whatyou've wanted is already there.
Because a lot of times we wantthings and the universe gives it
(03:14):
to us, but just not in the waywe think it should have, should
have come or the way it shouldlook like.
And I did that last week, and Irealized like most everything
I've wanted, like I have rightnow.
And I was still moving in a modeof like going out and doing and
achieving and getting when Ilike I have it.
(03:38):
So I'm grateful for having to bein the spot where I more or less
have everything I had aspiredfor in the past.
SPEAKER_00 (03:46):
It's amazing.
So now you just you knoweverything that you've got and
everything else is just bonus.
SPEAKER_01 (03:52):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (03:52):
That's that's amazing.
For myself, I am gonna say thatI'm really grateful for the
flexibility that I have in myjob because it really allows me
to work as much as I want, aslittle as I want, when I want.
And that allows me to have theseextra passion projects that I
have, like this podcast.
And I'm starting another podcastcalled Paging Dr.
(04:15):
Mom, where I supportprofessional women who are
juggling careers and kids.
So I'm having a lot of fun, andI wouldn't be able to do that if
it wasn't for, you know, thetype of flexibility that my job
gives me.
So I'm really I'm grateful tohave that in my life.
SPEAKER_01 (04:30):
It looks like you have a lot of flexibility if
you're able to start twopodcasts.
So that's pretty amazing.
SPEAKER_00 (04:36):
Well, this one I've been doing for about a year and
a half, and the other one isjust starting up.
So it's uh it's been a lot offun, and I'm having a great
time.
So let's start by maybe havingyou introduce yourself.
Sure.
Tell us a little bit about yourjourney.
SPEAKER_01 (04:50):
Okay, cool.
So my name is Cam Knight, and Iam uh a mentor, international
speaker, and author of a dozenbooks in the area of mental,
emotional, as well as physicalperformance.
As far back as I can remember,I've been a fairly driven
individual.
Kind of hard not to be living ina culture and society with so
(05:10):
much personal developmentcontent and everyone telling you
to do more, be your best self,and reach for the stars.
As a result, I've always wantedto do more and have more and be
more in life.
And although I've had my fairshare of success, I always felt
like I missed the mark, or thesuccess was much more difficult
than it needed to be.
(05:32):
And I always wondered why thatwas.
Why is it if I want to dosomething, I know what to do, I
know how to do it, and I havethe motivation and desire to do
it, but for one reason oranother, I can't or don't do it.
Now, at the time, there were noclear answers.
The best answers I came acrosswas that you need to have better
(05:53):
beliefs or that you needdiscipline.
And yes, beliefs, discipline,and some of the standard stuff
that gets talked about, they'reall important and they're all
part of the equation.
But I always felt like there wasmore to it.
And over the last 15 to 20years, that question lingered in
my mind.
Every time I was stuck, Iwondered why.
(06:14):
Why can't I get stuff done?
Why do I keep spinning mywheels?
Why don't I just do this dangthing so I can get the result
that I want?
And so the more books I read andcoaching I did and seminars I
attended, the more I waslearning about the complexities
of the brain.
And the running theme that wasalways being discussed is why we
(06:36):
can't do things, or like what'sholding us back, and what um
keeps us from doing this thing,or have good relationships and
things like that.
And over time, my brain startedto come to the realization that
there's a part of our brainthat's designed to hold us back,
(06:56):
and there's a part of ourselvesthat's built to keep us from
growing and making progress.
And I call this part resistance,and it's this brick wall that we
hit anytime that we want to dosomething, but we can't, no
matter how much we want to doit.
SPEAKER_00 (07:11):
So you're talking about internal resistance.
SPEAKER_01 (07:14):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (07:15):
Yeah.
So why do you think so many ofus struggle with internal
resistance?
Even when we want to change,we're we're motivated to change,
but why why do we struggle withit?
SPEAKER_01 (07:25):
So it really helps to understand that the part of
the brain that creates wants anddesires, it works separately and
independent of the part thatallows us to act on that desire.
This is really important, so I'mgoing to repeat it.
The part of the brain thatcreates wants works separately
and independent of the part thatallows us to act on the want.
(07:45):
So we have one part of the brainthat's creating endless wants,
one after another, and itdoesn't check to see if we have
the time, energy, and resources.
It just creates wants.
But then we have the other partof the brain that gives a green
light on whether or not weshould proceed with that want.
And this is the part that checksto see if we have the time,
(08:07):
energy, and resources.
So what's really important tounderstand is the brain can both
create a want and desire forsomething and at the same time
keep us from moving forward withit.
And the way this process playsout is anytime we do have a
want, the brain looks at thatwant through a whole host of
(08:28):
criteria.
And if that desire is not inline with any other criteria,
the brain will prevent action.
And some of the criteria arethings that are kind of obvious
and we know about that getstalked about, like um limiting
beliefs, habits, and comfortzones.
But it gets even deeper, youknow, it gets into our
(08:51):
self-image, it gets into umauthority issues, core needs,
and all of that.
So anytime we want to dosomething, the brain is like
checking through all of that.
And if any of them is not inline, it will prevent action.
And what's really important tounderstand is that it's not just
resistance that can hold usback, but our own wants can hold
(09:12):
us back.
Both of these things can hold usback.
So it doesn't matter how muchmotivation a person has, how
simple the solution is, or evenhow much benefit we can derive.
If this part doesn't give us thego-ahead, and if the wants
aren't conflicting, then wecan't do it.
And it really helps tounderstand what these parts are,
(09:35):
how they work.
Otherwise, we'll kind of bestuck as a lot of us can feel
sometimes.
I hope that made sense.
SPEAKER_00 (09:43):
It it does.
So so we have a want.
There's something that we wantto do.
And there's another part of ourbrain that starts going through
this checklist of is thisachievable or not?
Yeah.
And and that's where we getstuck, right?
So how do we start moving, howdo we how do we start moving
past that?
SPEAKER_01 (10:01):
Well, first is to address these things.
So like I said, it goes througha checklist, and some of them is
not so much just about beingable to achieve it.
Um the limiting beliefs aspectsuh are part of it.
The other parts are about umhabits and comfort zones and
things like that.
So it kind of helps to gothrough all the things that are
(10:24):
holding us back and work throughthem one by one until we can
move forward.
Though unfortunately, it's along process.
Um, because we have to knowessentially psychology and the
human mind at a deeper levelthan, in a ways, a lot of
psychologists, because there'sso many things that can hold us
(10:45):
back.
SPEAKER_00 (10:46):
What are some of these limiting beliefs?
SPEAKER_01 (10:48):
So limiting beliefs um can be anything, and a great
way to understand them is I'llshare a quick story.
Several years ago, I was at thebeach in Chicago and I met a
woman who was telling me thatshe was a model and wanted to
move up to starting her ownmodeling agency in Miami.
And I asked her why Miami andnot New York or LA, as those
(11:12):
cities are the hotspots for theindustry.
And her response was becausethose cities would be too
difficult to get in.
So now she had a belief in hermind that starting a modeling
agency in New York or LA wouldbe too difficult.
Now, whether or not that beliefis true, it influenced her
(11:33):
decision to start an agency inMiami.
So a belief is simply a thinkingof what's possible or our
available options.
Now, what's really important tounderstand about this story is
that we have beliefs aboutwhat's possible to do in the
world and what's possible forus.
(11:53):
So a person can have a beliefthat something is possible.
Like it's possible to start amodeling agency in those cities.
Others can do it, but not me.
It won't happen for me.
And it's really important tolook at both beliefs because we
might think something ispossible, but deep down, not
think it's possible for us.
And when we start going afterit, we will hit hurdles and
(12:17):
blocks and avoidance behaviorbecause that core belief deep
down is saying it's not possiblefor us.
unknown (12:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:24):
I I got the when I was, you know, younger, I kind
of got the message that, youknow, people like us didn't
become doctors, right?
There's nobody else in my familywho's a doctor.
Very few of my family membershad ever gone to university.
So I had these messages that I'dbeen receiving and I believed
them.
I believed that doctors werepeople that were put up on
pedestals, and that wasn't me.
(12:46):
And so when I failed my firstyear of university, it just
reconfirmed everything that Ialready believed.
And it it held me back.
I changed the course of mycareer.
I went into accounting insteadbecause I was good in math and
people told me I was good atthat.
But really, so I did have thisbelief that I was not meant to
take that path.
And something I really wanted todo.
(13:07):
So I'm I'm glad that I was ableto move past it.
But that really held me back formany, many, many years.
SPEAKER_01 (13:13):
Yeah, and this reinforces that that you
probably thought that it waspossible to be a become a
doctor, but deep down there wasthis underlying thinking that
would say it's not possible foryou, you can't do it, it's too
hard.
And although you may not haveeven noticed it, it was there.
And then, of course, um itshowed up in your life with you
(13:36):
failing and then shifting intoaccounting.
So that's how you know beliefscan work.
And there are some good ways tounderstand what our beliefs are,
because like I said, sometimeswe don't know what our beliefs
are.
And what's really interesting issometimes our thinking, it seems
so true.
(13:56):
Like when we're thinking, wecan't do it or it's not
possible.
It just feels so real.
Like, of course, that's the wayit is.
Um, but there's three main waysto tap into your beliefs.
The first is to understand thatour consciously held beliefs
tend to be and usually aredifferent from our unconsciously
(14:18):
held beliefs.
In fact, they can be the quiteopposite.
So, a couple of good examples isyou know, the people who look
the most preteous tend to be themost insecure about their look.
The people who tend to brag andboast tend to be the most
unsure.
And the people who aren'tcompelled to do that tend to be
more secure.
(14:39):
So that's one.
Two is to kind of look at yourlife.
Look at your job, the house youlive in, the car you drive, the
money in your bank account, aswell as the friends you hang out
with and the money in their bankaccount.
Those are all telltale signs ofyour beliefs.
But a more direct way, which Ireally like, is to create a
(15:03):
self-talk statement about achange that you want to have
happen or that you want to have.
For example, let's say, youknow, you wanted to be a doctor,
you would repeat statementslike, I am a doctor, or I am a
successful doctor.
And you would repeat that.
And as you do that, your mind isgoing to retort.
It's going to say things like,No, you're not.
(15:24):
You're this.
Like, you're not smart enough,you'll never be a doctor.
The responses your mind givesyou are telltale signs of the
beliefs that are running youinside, running inside you.
SPEAKER_00 (15:35):
Is it is it possible to jump from I I can't be a
doctor, this is not somethingI'll ever be able to do, to I am
a successful doctor.
That seems like a really bigjump to try and convince my
brain that that I could be adoctor.
It seems like a big jump tobelieve that that's true.
Um, just like if if someone islike, oh, that person's very
(15:56):
attractive, I want to date them,but in your mind, you're like,
that person's way out of myleague, I'll never get them.
To to jump from one beliefsaying that this person is is
out of my league to I'm I'm inthis person's league.
Sometimes that just seems liketoo big of a jump.
Are there steps in between, ordo you have to go and try and
believe that?
SPEAKER_01 (16:15):
Yeah, it is.
It's uh actually a good pointthat you bring up, Angela.
Uh it is a fairly big jump, andpeople will lead us to believe
that we should be able to makethat jump very easily and very
quickly and not fall back.
But that's not the reality ofit.
When we're talking about thebeliefs that are internal, they
(16:36):
do take a little bit of time,but it doesn't mean that they
can't be changed.
And the first step is tounderstand uh what I had kind of
initially said, is that a lot ofour thinking, they it just seems
so true.
And because the thoughts are inour head, we think we're the
ones thinking them.
(16:56):
And because we're thinking them,we think they're valid.
So the first step is tounderstand majority of our
thinking isn't even us thinkingit, it's just thoughts that the
unconscious is throwing up intoour awareness, and a lot of
those thoughts are based on ourresistance.
So if a person can step backfrom the feelings and thoughts
(17:18):
that they have of theirlimitations and say, wait, wait
a minute, although this feelsreal, like how do I know it's
real?
Like, is it really true?
And that's just the first stepin trying to kind of um move
away from that how solid thatfeeling feels.
(17:38):
Another way, interestingly, iswith self-talk.
So as I mentioned, if we dorepeat a set of self-talk
statements, in the beginning,the mind will retort and say
those things like, You couldnever be a doctor.
Remember all the times youfailed, and it even trigger
memories of maybe failures inyour life or embarrassing
(17:59):
moments that is kind of like areminder of that belief that
you're not capable.
But what's interesting is if youkeep repeating it, a lot of that
um response in the mind startsto tone down and the volume
starts to uh go down.
And then if you continuerepeating it, it actually starts
(18:21):
to form newer beliefs, whichmakes it easier to act on.
In fact, I'm a huge proponent ofself-talk, and uh Self-Talk Your
Way to Success was one of myfirst books, and almost every
book I've written, I have achapter on self-talk because I
think it is so important inhelping us shift our thinking
(18:42):
and behaviors, but moreimportantly, the beliefs that
are running inside of us.
And then there's other ways aswell that we can change our
beliefs, and it's through likequestioning and analyzing, like
questioning why we think that weare not caught up for a doctor.
We can say things like, well,maybe in the past that would
(19:02):
have been true, but I know if Iwork hard, that can move us
forward.
And even change our questionsthat we ask ourselves.
Like instead of why am I notsuccessful, or why can't I be a
doctor?
It's like, why would I be agreat doctor, or well, how can I
be a great doctor?
(19:23):
Or what can I do to um becomesomeone who can be successful as
in the medical field?
And when we change ourquestions, it actually
completely shifts our whole wayof you know processing that
action.
SPEAKER_00 (19:42):
It gives you some form of control now.
SPEAKER_01 (19:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (19:45):
Because now you're in the driver's seat.
What can I do to be this personthat I want to be?
And you start taking those stepsto get there.
So instead of being kind of justa victim who this is happening
to, I, you know, society's notallowing me to be a doctor.
SPEAKER_01 (19:59):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (20:00):
What can I do?
So it gives you something thatyou can actually move forward
to.
I like that.
SPEAKER_01 (20:04):
Yeah, it's really important because when you ask,
like, why can't I succeed inthis?
The mind will come up with allsorts of reasons.
It'll even say things like,Well, you're of this sex, you're
of this demographics, you're youdidn't have a good upbringing.
I mean, you'll just find all thereasons, and every reason that
it comes up, it just nails acoffin in reinforcing that
(20:27):
limiting belief.
But as soon as you just shiftthat question to how can I, it's
not even thinking about why wecan't.
It's just thinking about how canI?
It's like, oh, well, I couldwork harder, I could get a
tutor, I could do this.
And if we choose to act on theanswers, it can move us in that
direction.
SPEAKER_00 (20:48):
Do you think that most of these negative messages
are coming from society, or isthat just kind of something
within us, or we have a lack ofconfidence?
SPEAKER_01 (20:57):
It's not so much coming from us, per se.
And um, you know, I help peoplea lot.
I've developed a technique thathelps people where I can help
people go into their unconsciousand to work on um their
challenges and blocks and someof their trauma and PTSD at the
unconscious level.
And sometimes we get to a pointwhere their mind is berating
(21:23):
them.
You know, they're saying allsorts of stuff like, you won't
be cut off for this, you'reugly, you can't do anything
right.
And I will tell my clients, I'mlike, I want you to understand
that that's not your voice,that's the voice of the people
in your lives.
And the way the brain works isas we're growing up, it is
(21:44):
picking up the voices of thepeople around us.
And it's actually designed to dothat.
So if you know we were growingup in a healthy relationship
environment, people would beteaching us what to do, showing
us how to move through the worldand all of that.
And so as we do grow up, theirvoices enter into our head as a
(22:06):
way to continue the guidance.
So their voice becomes ourvoice.
Now, what's really interestingis the mind doesn't look at to
see if the voice is negative orpositive.
All it does is just pick up thevoices that were around us.
So if it's negative, it's gonnapick up negative voices.
And what's really crazy aboutthat is as we're growing up and
(22:29):
it's picking up those voices andthey enter in our head, we start
thinking we're saying thosethings.
And because we think we'resaying those things, we believe
those things.
But real but the reality is theywere just voices from you know
people in our past, and it'susually our parents.
Uh, the mind puts a lot moreweight on our parents, it's a
(22:51):
lot from um our peers.
So if we had um brothers andsisters who weren't so kind, as
well as bullies and things likethat, their voice does enter
into us.
And like I said, the mostdifficult part about it is that
as we are getting older andthose their voices start
repeating in our head, becauseit's in our head and we think
(23:14):
we're saying it, and it justkind of reinforces it.
This is why I had said earlier,in fact, a few times, really
important to question thethoughts in your head.
You may think you're thinkingthem, but it's really just the
voice of resistance that's justcoming up.
SPEAKER_00 (23:27):
So if you have a parent who keeps pointing out
that you know you shouldn't gofor that second plate or you
should be exercising more, theseare constant reinforcements for
you.
And in future, you're gonna behyper-focused on on your weight.
Okay.
These are the messages that yougot growing up.
And as a parent, we alwaysstrive to do the best that we
can.
(23:48):
Sometimes it's hard to know youknow how the things that we tell
our kids are are affecting themand and what what they're
hearing and what they'reretaining.
SPEAKER_01 (23:57):
Yeah, it is challenging because our parents
want us to stay safe.
And especially when we're kids,we don't know what is right and
wrong and safe and unsafe orhealthy or unhealthy.
And so they do have to kind ofput a lot of walls so we don't
do anything that can be damagingto ourselves.
(24:18):
Unfortunately, in doing that, itdoes kind of carry over as
adulthood, and sometimes ourbrain can pick up certain
things, uh, a father or motheror brother or a peer said, and
in a way, like kind of run ourlife.
Like it's crazy, but like onestatement somebody says at a
(24:38):
certain point in our childhoodcan become the shotgun that gets
heard around the world, and itbecomes so true, and they live
their life that way.
SPEAKER_00 (24:47):
Yeah, I once heard a boy at school make a comment
about how I looked, and it'sfunny how that one comment stuck
with me for like 20, 30 years.
And and and so many other peoplehave said good things, but this
one negative comment, that's theone that I believed.
SPEAKER_01 (25:04):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:05):
And it and it stuck with me for a really long time.
And um, so it's it's we're we'resurrounded by people all the
time, and you want to besurrounded by good people.
But sometimes these negativecomments come out, and it's it's
hard to know what to believesometimes.
SPEAKER_01 (25:21):
Yeah.
And uh something that could behelpful to you and as well as
your listeners is to understandthe brain puts a lot more weight
on the negative comments.
So we can hear 10 positivethings, but it's that one
negative that the brain reallygets hooked on and um sticks to.
(25:43):
And it's kind of there's areason for it.
It helps us survive.
It's because we humans, asamazing as we are, as amazing as
our bodies and our mind and evenour hands, the complexity that's
involved in it, like we stillhaven't been able to create
computers and robots that can dowhat we can do.
(26:04):
We're getting there closer, butit's taking a long, long time.
At the same time, we'reextremely fragile.
Like the simplest things canhurt or injure us or end our
life.
And because there's so manydangers and we are fragile in
that sense, the brain doesprioritize more negative than
the positive.
(26:25):
It makes sense, it helps ussurvive.
But like you said, and theeffect of that is that we can
hear all these positives, butit's that one negative that can
really be like a dagger to ourheart.
And I'll give a really greatexample.
So I am an author, and as anauthor, I met a lot of other
authors, especially some reallysuccessful ones.
(26:48):
And what I have found, um, and Iwent through this, and and you
know, a lot of authors do, isthat we can get a hundred
positive reviews on our books,but that one, like, it hurts.
It just hurts.
And so, yes, when we do get thatnegative, it does help to switch
that and reinforce the positive,but it takes a lot more.
(27:11):
It takes like five to tenstatements to just neutralize
that negative, and then we needa few more to kind of push past
it.
So if we just a reminder topeople if they are getting
negative comments in their life,either whether from others or
themselves, it's important toswitch it with positive
self-talk statement, though notjust with one, but like five to
(27:34):
ten times more is just the wayit is.
SPEAKER_00 (27:36):
Yeah, it's hard getting those those negative
messages.
And it it often goes, it justreconfirms an insecurity that
you already have.
SPEAKER_01 (27:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (27:46):
And um it's hard to work through sometimes.
And I think you mentioned at thebeginning that you have a coach,
I have coach, I have atherapist, and these are all the
people who help me work throughthese issues.
Yeah.
Because we all go through themand it's it's not a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_01 (28:01):
No, no, it's um it's not fun, but when we can get
through it, it's like, okay, I'mglad I went through it because
there was some positives andbenefits.
But when we're in it, it's like,oh, this sucks.
Like um, so yeah, it is achallenge, and it does help to
have good coaches and mentorsthat you resonate with, and
(28:24):
people who kind of canunderstand where you're at and
know how to help you moveforward easily.
Because I'm not saying therearen't any bad or good, it's
just that it helps to find onethat fits you, where you're at,
how you operate, and theyunderstand that.
So they can help you movethrough it soon quicker than
(28:48):
longer.
So the reason I bring that up isyou know, I've cycled through
different coaches, and I in factit's actually important to have
multiple coaches and mentors,which is what I do have.
I'm very fortunate um for that,so it's another thing I'm
grateful for.
But it's really important to benot just like getting any coach,
like knowing yourself andknowing what's gonna be most
(29:12):
optimal for you and seekingthat.
SPEAKER_00 (29:14):
What are some causes of resistance that most people
wouldn't ever think of?
Something hidden or unexpected.
SPEAKER_01 (29:21):
So, yeah, there's two that I'm gonna share because
I think it's really importantand it's affecting all of us.
One is um what I call a coreneed.
So, as humans, we have all sortsof needs, like the need for
attention, affection, love, andeven physical contact.
And some of these needs aredeeply ingrained into us, like
(29:43):
the need for a mother's love ora father's guidance.
When we don't receive it, itcreates pain, a lot of pain.
The kind of pain that can make aperson go crazy.
That's how deeply ingrainedthese needs are.
Now, if growing up, The brainlearns that these needs can't be
met, won't be met, or is toodangerous to be met, the brain
(30:07):
will prevent us from going afterthe need.
Makes sense, right?
Unfortunately, because these arecore needs, the need doesn't go
away.
It just gets louder and strongerand more painful.
But since the brain believesthese needs can't be met, it
feels it has no other choice butto distract us from it.
(30:29):
And there's many ways the brainwill distract us from these core
needs.
And one of them is to make ourlives difficult, challenging,
and keep us from finishinganything we start.
So our focus is always onproblems and not this pain.
And I'll share a reallyimportant story about this.
I knew someone who wantednothing more in life than the
(30:51):
love of his dad.
But his dad never gave it tohim.
And it hurt him.
It hurt him a lot.
So much so that he lived ahectic life, living paycheck to
paycheck, never being able tomake ends meet.
The reason his brain did that isbecause if he could finish what
he started, his life would begood.
And if his life was good, thispain would be at the forefront
(31:15):
of his awareness.
But because the brain believedthis pain or need could never be
fulfilled, it felt it had noother choice but to distract
distract him from it.
And the way it did that was tokeep him constantly
procrastinating and sabotaging.
So the focus was always onproblems and not the pain.
So this is a pretty wild reason.
(31:37):
And a lot of something thatpeople wouldn't think of when
they're stuck, not able tofinish their homework or not
able to take the next step in,you know, their goal.
That, oh wow, finishing thisthing could mean that I have
this like core need that Ididn't realize I had would
become at the forefront of myawareness, and my brain is
(31:59):
stopping me from that.
And this is a challenging one.
SPEAKER_00 (32:01):
Very subconscious, right?
You're not subconsciously doingum people don't usually think
that they're going out lookingfor chaos in their life.
It's there.
SPEAKER_01 (32:12):
It is, and and that's a challenge of you know,
being humans because of themind, because there's no direct
line of communication betweenthe conscious and unconscious.
Much of the unconscious ishidden, which is why it's called
the unconscious.
But so we can't see how ourunconscious patterns are
affecting our conscious thoughtsas well as our behaviors.
(32:35):
So we could have this, you know,core need or thing, and the
brain is like, well, since itcan't be met, I'm gonna create
destruction and havoc in yourlife.
And what's crazy is even if youtold the person, hey, this is
what's causing this behavior, orwhy you're kind of creating
chaos in your life, they can'timagine it.
(32:57):
Like they can never see thatconnection because the
unconscious is hidden.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:03):
I can't see why somebody would go out looking
for chaos in life, but I I thinkI've done it.
The my marriage wasn't working,and all I wanted to do was buy
another dog and the house and doall these things, everything so
that I didn't actually have todeal with the unhappiness that I
had in my marriage at the time.
SPEAKER_01 (33:24):
That's exactly it.
So it it can be from a core needor a core pain.
And so it sounds like for you itwas a core pain because there
was a lot of unhappiness.
The other um not so commonlyknown reason that person
wouldn't think of, which I thinkis really important to know,
especially in this country,because a lot of people here
(33:46):
have it, is authority issues.
So authority issues relate toour unconsciously held attitude
toward authority figures such asparents, principals, priests,
police officers, and evenpersonal development coaches
like ourselves.
And I'm gonna extend thatdefinition to anyone who tells
(34:06):
you or makes you feel obligatedto do something.
So I had a friend whose parentsnagged and pestered him about
cleaning his room.
They nagged and pestered him somuch that he became spiteful
towards him and unknowinglycarried that spite for decades.
So he didn't know why hecouldn't stay clean or organized
(34:28):
until he saw a therapist thathis messy lifestyle was
triggered by his parents from 20years ago.
He didn't know why he couldn'tstay clean no matter how hard he
tried.
And our authority issues, theycan last a long time.
People can go years or decadesresisting an authority and
(34:49):
consequently not do anythingthey've ever said or take any
advice they've ever given, nomatter how long ago they said or
gave it.
We can hold resentment to ourgrave.
So what that means is that tothis day, in this very moment, a
person may be unable to listento a parent, teacher, or a boss
(35:11):
because they are resisting them.
And no matter what they say,they can't do it.
Even if they get to a pointwhere they realize, hey, this is
healthy or this is going to bebeneficial to me, they still
can't because the authorityissues are skipped in.
So this is a reason why somepeople have a difficult time
(35:33):
studying because of all theteachers telling them to study.
This is also the reason why somepeople have a difficult time
being on time, because at somepoint someone was always on
their case about being timely.
Or they're being resisted todiet and exercise because an
overbearing father or mother ora boy or girlfriend was so
(35:55):
overbearing about it.
And the opposite can also betrue.
Um, we may have been told not towatch so much television or eat
so much junk food, and now webinge like it's going like it's
going out of style.
And we may think it's because weenjoy television or junk food,
but the reality is we'reresisting some authority at
(36:17):
large for telling us what to do.
And it's also the reason why alot of people still drink,
smoke, and get high, even asadults, in a way to
unconsciously give the big F youto all the people who said it
was bad for them.
SPEAKER_00 (36:32):
Yeah, that's that's what I was thinking when you're
talking.
I'm like, oh, I I think I'vedone that for sure.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna show you.
SPEAKER_01 (36:40):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (36:41):
Yeah, even though I know it's not good for me.
SPEAKER_01 (36:44):
Um and here's the thing about authority issues
hurts no one else but ourselves.
When we don't listen to theteacher, it doesn't necessarily
hurt her grades, it hurts ours.
When we don't listen to ourparents, it doesn't necessarily
affect their health, it affectsours.
And what's more is that a lot oftimes our authority issue
(37:05):
response is in an attempt tohurt them, like we want to hurt
them by not listening to them.
But it really hurts us.
And what's crazy is that a lotof times our authority issue
response is to outsmart them.
Like, oh, I'll show you.
Like you're telling me to dothis or I need to do this, but
I'll show you that I don't needto.
(37:26):
And then we overwork, get worseresults, trying to do something
different.
And instead of outsmarting them,we look like the fool.
SPEAKER_00 (37:35):
I was gonna say, I feel like everyone out there
who's got teenagers is shakingtheir heads and along, going, Is
this what's happened?
SPEAKER_01 (37:43):
This is it.
And what's crazy is the parentwants to help the child, but
just because of this dynamic,the child can't receive it.
The more the parent tries, themore it pushes the child away.
And it's one of the challengingaspects of I think being humans,
and the challenge one of thechallenges we have as trying to
(38:05):
stay in a functional society,because just by telling
something someone what to dothat could be helpful, they want
to not do it.
So it creates a lot ofchallenges for people in
positions of education, law,like police officers, judges,
because I do believe they aretrying to be helpful, but in
(38:27):
their efforts, it creates theopposite outcome.
And what's really important forpeople to at least understand it
in themselves, because yeah,they could be experiencing that
with the child, but they'reprobably doing it themselves as
well, is that this authorityissue response can be pretty
automatic and rapid fire.
Like a desire comes up, and it'slike, no, I don't want to do
(38:49):
that.
Another desire comes up, no, Idon't want to do this either.
I don't want to go here, I don'twant to do that.
And our authority issue responsejust shuts down all these things
without us even having a say init.
And again, because the responseis coming from us, we think
we're the ones making thedecision.
When it's really this thing thathas kind of got triggered into
(39:11):
us since we were young.
So a lot of challenges andcomplexities to the human mind
and brain and um how and all thedifferent reasons resistance
shows up.
SPEAKER_00 (39:25):
So, do you have any advice as a parent?
You're trying to get your kid toclean up their room and trying
to do all these things, and theyare resisting because you're the
authority figure.
How do we how do we move pastthat?
I have to realize I can'tcontrol another person.
Um, you know, they have to towant to do that.
But is there a way to get buy-inor or get some kind of
arrangement going where theyclean up their room?
SPEAKER_01 (39:47):
I'm gonna share a couple of strategies.
The first, it actually startsfrom when the child is young,
because what the child islooking for is that love of the
mother and the guidance of thefather.
That child is built for it.
Like I said, when they don'treceive it, it's painful.
And if a parent doesn't show upthat way at a young age, that
(40:10):
child is going to get upset.
He's the child's not gonna knowwhy it's upset.
It just knows it's not receivingsomething that it's built to and
it should.
And because it gets upset,that's when the authority issue
starts coming, because it'slike, well, why should I do
this?
I'm not gonna get this thingthat I need.
And so it builds over time.
Two, there needs to be some sortof like a relationship between
(40:35):
the parent and the child.
Uh, what I've noticed in thisculture, outside of other
cultures I've been to, is thatwe tend to hurt our children.
You know, we send them toschool, and then from school to
soccer practice, from soccerpractice to piano lessons, piano
lessons to whatever.
They come home.
We're not actually engaging withthe child much, we're not
(40:57):
talking to them, understandingtheir pains, what's going on for
them internally.
So, of course, there is noconnection the child has to the
parent, and so the brain isn'tgoing to listen to somebody that
it doesn't have a connection to.
And those things don't happen,you know, right away.
It takes time to develop.
So that's gonna be really key.
And then the third, it's alittle bit harder, is when we
(41:20):
want something from anotherperson, it naturally makes the
wall go up in that person.
It's just a really weird part ofhuman dynamics, which is why
they tell you on a first day,don't go, don't be too excited,
because it literally, the otherperson creates a wall and uh
they can lose attraction foryou.
This is why when someone is toopushy in sales, even though we
(41:44):
want to buy the thing, we can'tbecause our wall goes up.
And we don't notice our wall goup, it just goes up.
And even if we want to do it, wecan't.
And so just by a parent wantingthe child, even if there wasn't
authority issues, it's gonnabring up the wall in the child
to a certain degree.
(42:05):
And the more the parent wantsit, the more the wall goes up.
And what's really interesting isthat when the wall goes up, the
parent wants the child to listeneven more.
And then it makes their wall goup even further and it becomes
this feedback loop.
So in these situations, it helpsto reduce the want of the
parent.
(42:25):
I know it soundscontraintuitive.
Instead of, you know, pushingthe child or like really wanting
the child, let go of thatdesire.
And when you can let it go, thewall and the child can come
down, and it's easier to havethat communication or
interaction that the parent isseeking.
This is challenging, but it ispossible, and it's what my
(42:48):
technique that I talked aboutdoes.
Uh, we go into the unconsciousand we break these needs that we
have or other people.
And when we can do the work onourselves, magically the people
around us change.
So I hope those things werehelpful.
SPEAKER_00 (43:02):
Yeah, that was really helpful.
Thank you for that.
A lot of my listeners, includingmyself, we struggle with setting
boundaries and putting ourselvesfirst.
So, how can internal resistancebe playing a role in those types
of patterns?
SPEAKER_01 (43:16):
A big role.
So when we feel undeserving orwhen we have limiting beliefs,
we don't feel like we can havegood things or that we can go
after things.
And worse, our brain makes itharder to do it.
And so if we have like the lowdeserving and limiting beliefs,
(43:37):
it's naturally going to createlow boundaries to make things
harder for us to get things thatwe want.
And sometimes, and it's hard,it's like we need to set
boundaries around people, andmore importantly, we actually
need to cut unhealthy people outof our lives.
This is something that doesn'tget talked about a lot, but this
is something that I to havegotten to success I have, 12
(44:01):
books, traveling to 100countries, working through some
of the deeper mental andemotional challenges I had to be
able to get to this point whereI can talk to you intelligently,
took a lot of work.
And there were a lot of peopleon my path who weren't helpful.
And not only were they nothelpful, but in some ways they
were pulling me down or theywanted to pull me down.
(44:23):
And it's actually hard to bearound people like that and
still try to make progress.
It's it's like a tackle workthat goes on.
And what I found was the easiestway was to cut them out.
So there's a part of my brainthat isn't expending all this
energy and resources to try tofigure out what they're gonna
(44:43):
say and how to counteract it andand all that stuff that we need
to do to manage people.
Once we can cut it out, it is alot easier to move uh forward.
Though it's not easy to alwayscut people out.
SPEAKER_00 (44:57):
It's very scary.
SPEAKER_01 (44:58):
Yeah, especially if they are like related to you.
And there have been moments wheneven my parents, I had to cut
out, and even my brothers andsisters.
If they I find them to be kindof destructive, they're I have
to put a lot of effort just sothey don't destroy their own
life, it takes a toll on me andwhat I want to do.
And I can do what I can, but ata certain point, it's like, all
(45:20):
right, I need to take a breakfrom you guys so I can do what I
want to move forward in.
SPEAKER_00 (45:27):
It's hard setting boundaries.
SPEAKER_01 (45:28):
It's hard.
SPEAKER_00 (45:29):
It's hard having those conversations.
But when you can have them andwhen you do get there, it can be
really helpful.
Do you have any favoritestrategies that you can include
or mindset shifts that can helppeople move through the internal
resistance that they have?
So internal resistance, one is avery deep topic because I it's
not just about and I I feel likewe're not gonna cover everything
(45:50):
in this episode, and you're justsuch a fountain of information.
I don't know where to stop, butwe might have to uh come back
for another episode at somepoint.
This is really interesting.
SPEAKER_01 (45:58):
Sure, I'd love to.
Um I do enjoy talking and um,you know, try to give as much
info as possible.
So a lot of times it helps towork on the specific cause of
the resistance.
So if we do have the limitingbeliefs that we kind of talked
about earlier in the episode,then we work on the beliefs.
If our cause of resistance isauthority issues, then we work
(46:19):
on we need to do the thingsrelated to authority issues.
And if it's uh related to a coreneed or some other um cause of
resistance, then we need to dothe things that work on that.
The reason I say that is becauseyou can't use a one-fit-all
approach.
You can't use what works forlimiting beliefs on authority
issues, and what works forauthority issues is not really
(46:40):
gonna work for core needs.
And so that's one reallyimportant thing.
Though there are certain thingsthat we can do that can work on
all of it in a safe and easyway, and I really like to go
back to the self-talk.
And one thing that helps huge inhelping people take more action
(47:02):
and proactive action is aself-talk that I have created
that took me nearly 15 years andtraveling to over a hundred
countries to narrow it down to,and anyone who repeats this has
pretty profound shifts in umbeing able to do more.
Do you think you would like to,or your audience would like to
(47:26):
hear what that is?
SPEAKER_00 (47:27):
Yeah.
Transformative.
SPEAKER_01 (47:34):
Yeah.
And the reason I do self-talk, Iwant people to understand,
because when we're dealing withresistance, you want to take the
smallest action that has thebiggest effect.
Small things that you can dothat can have um the big changes
or that help you take the biggersteps.
And I do believe self-talk isone of them.
So I'm gonna give thestatements.
(47:56):
The first is I'm a do-it-nowperson.
I easily do things now, I easilyaccomplish my goals right away.
So there's a lot of psychologybehind why this statement works
so well.
The first part of the statement,I'm a do-it-now person, it
creates an identity andself-image that you're a person
that does things now.
(48:16):
We didn't get into it in thispodcast, but self-image and
identity is also a reason whyresistance can come up.
So it neutralizes that and itcreates an identity that you're
a person who does things now, soit makes it easier to do things.
Now, doing things is not alwaysfun, it's painful and stressful,
which is why the second part ofthe statement is there, and that
(48:38):
I easily do things now.
If a person repeats that, itmakes it easier to do the things
that they're wanting to.
So it's not like so much of astrain or creates so much um uh
burnout.
And then the last part is Ieasily accomplish my goals right
away.
And that's important becauseit's easy to do a lot of things,
(49:00):
but spin or spin in circles, notreally going in any direction.
And that one helps the brain tofocus on a goal or a specific
target to move into.
And even if a person doesn'thave a goal or target, if they
repeat that, their brain willstart to form one.
So it's I'm a do-it-now person,I easily do things now, I easily
(49:22):
accomplish my goals right away.
So that's the first statement,and this creates forward
momentum and action.
But we still need to neutralizethe things that hold us back.
And a lot of it does come downto undeserving and limiting
beliefs, um, the things I kindof mentioned.
So the second part is I deserve,have permission, and am having
(49:44):
good things.
And the reason why that works sowell is again, it neutralizes
that core thing that I don'tdeserve that's creating a lot of
our challenges.
So if we can say I'm deserving,I have permission, this is
important because since we werekids, we have been constantly
told what to do, what not to do,how to do it, how not to do it.
(50:07):
And so, in a way, it trained ourbrain to constantly seek
permission before we're doingthings.
And what's amazing is I go toseminars and events and speak
all the time.
And what I've noticed is peoplepay good money to come to these
events to hire coaches,essentially to give them
permission to go after things.
(50:28):
So you can give yourselfpermission.
And the last part of thestatement, um, I'm having good
things, it's the action of it.
So it's if you repeat that, thegood things start coming.
So I deserve, have permission,I'm having good things.
Now, for somebody withassertiveness challenges and
they want to be more assertive,you know, you can read a lot of
(50:50):
books on assertiveness.
I have a book on assertivenesscalled Assertiveness Made
Simple.
But the challenge is you got toread the book, you have to
understand how to go through theemotions of it, what to say,
what not to say in the rightmoments, and it can take a while
to develop that skill.
Or you can just repeat someself-talk statements like I am a
(51:12):
calm, assertive communicator.
I easily communicate my needsand wants.
If you repeat those twostatements, you'll start to
become much more assertive andmuch quicker than going out
reading and developing a skill.
So four statements, it'll changeyour life.
SPEAKER_00 (51:31):
Oh, Cam, we have 12 books.
So if someone were to startsomewhere in those 12 books,
where would you suggest thatthat we start?
SPEAKER_01 (51:42):
Um, I think speed reading would be the best book.
Speed reading, right?
Speed reading right behind me.
It's learn to read a 200-pagebook in one hour.
It has over 5,000 ratings onAmazon.
I would say start there becauseit'll teach you to consume
information faster.
Not just faster, but in a waywhere you understand more and
(52:04):
remember longer.
And so if once we can learn tostart understanding how people
put together information so wecan understand it better and how
to actually zip through it in avery natural and easy way.
The reason I wrote that book isI find that a lot of people
reading is like kind of apainful and annoying and just
(52:25):
like not a pleasant experience.
And with that book, it doesn'ttake a lot of training, just
shifting the way you look atwords, and within a few minutes,
you'll be doubling to triplingyour reading speed with better
comprehension and memory inliterally minutes.
And then from there, you can notonly go through information
(52:46):
faster, but get more out of it,so it could be useful.
SPEAKER_00 (52:49):
So we read that one book on speed reading, and then
we can get through the elevenother eleven in in no time.
SPEAKER_01 (52:57):
Yeah.
Though if people like thisconcept of internal resistance,
I have a course called ConquerInternal Resistance.
And it's a deep dive into thistopic.
Like I said, we only covered afew causes of resistance.
Um but this um this course goesinto a dozen more.
And we didn't even talk aboutour how our wants get in the
(53:19):
way.
There are many challenges ourwants create, and this course
dives into that.
But more importantly, when thebrain doesn't want us to do
something, it doesn't tell usthat it is.
Instead, it uses manipulativetricks.
That's how procrastination andsabotage show up.
And the course has dozens oftricks our brain is using on us
(53:40):
on a regular basis that we don'teven know about.
And these tricks are soconniving that you wouldn't
think of them as tricks, whichis why they work so well and why
we so easily fall for them.
So they can get that as well.
SPEAKER_00 (53:55):
Yeah, I can put all that in the show notes, and you
also have a freebie.
SPEAKER_01 (54:00):
Five ways to end procrastination and sabotage.
It's a really good um PDF thatpeople like.
It goes into the psychology ofthese tricks that show up, and
people can understand how thesetricks are showing up, they'll
be um not so easily manipulatedby them, and so they can make
forward progress much sooner andquicker.
(54:22):
And they can get all of that atmy website, camknight.com.
That's K-A-M-K-N-I-G-H-C.com, orthey can text me the word flow,
f l-o w to 26786, and they'llreceive that PDF.
SPEAKER_00 (54:39):
Amazing, Cam.
I want to thank you so much forbeing here with us.
This was such a greatconversation, and I loved it.
And you are a fountain ofinformation, and I feel like
there's just so much more thatwe could be talking about.
So I'd love to have you as aguest again in the future.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
And yeah, it's giving me atotally new way of thinking
(55:00):
about things.
So I appreciate you being heretoday.
SPEAKER_01 (55:02):
Yeah, you're welcome, Angela.
This was fantastic, this wasfun.
SPEAKER_00 (55:05):
Thanks for everyone for hanging out with us today.
Um, if you like the episode, I'dlove it if you would share it
with someone who needs to hearit.
I'm sure there's lots of peopleout there who would benefit and
heck just share it with thewhole world.
I'd love to help more people outthere.
I'd also love it if you would beso kind as to follow and maybe
leave a comment for the episode.
I'm most active on Facebook atthe Codependent Doctor and
(55:26):
Instagram at DRAngela Downey.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster better
relationship with the mostimportant person, yourself.
I'm gonna talk to you again intwo weeks with another episode
of the Codependent Doctor.
Take care for now.
You've got this.
Thanks for spending time with metoday.
I hope something in this episoderesonated with you.
(55:46):
If it did, hit follow,subscribe, or share it with
someone who needs to hear ittoday.
The codependent doctor is notmedical advised and doesn't
include speaking to yourhealthcare provider.
If you're in a crisis, please goto the nearest ER or call 911 or
reach out to your local mentalhealth health planning.
I'll be back here next week withmore support new stories and
strategies as we're healingtogether.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.