June 9, 2025 • 28 mins
Do Father’s Day celebrations leave you feeling hollow instead of happy? You’re not alone.
In this raw, candid conversation, we explore the grief that comes with having a father who was physically present but emotionally absent—a special kind of loss that often goes unspoken.
In this episode, you’ll hear about:
- The lasting impact of emotional neglect on self-worth and relationships
- How we internalize the absence of emotional warmth as “something is wrong with me”
- The burden of generational silence and narrow definitions of masculinity
- A new vision of fatherhood: presence > perfection
- Permission to grieve what you never had—and to redefine Father’s Day on your own terms
- Practical ways to honor yourself: letters, rituals, boundaries, or simply skipping the day
Your healing matters. Whether you’re ready to rewrite your relationship with Father’s Day or simply want to feel seen—this conversation will meet you where you are.
I am so excited to share my codependency recovery workbook with you. Click on the link to be brough to Enough As I Am on Amazon.
🦋 Enough As I Am: Recovery workbook. On Amazon
Email: codependentdoctor@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today's episode is for anyone who's ever felt a
little out of place whenFather's Day rolls around, if
you didn't have a greatrelationship with your dad, or
if this day stirs up somecomplicated emotions for you.
You're not alone and thisepisode is definitely going to
be for you.
We're going to get into allsorts of good stuff today, like
what to do if your dad wasemotionally absent, how to
(00:22):
navigate the pressures tocelebrate your father when
you're just not feeling it, andhow to honor yourself if you've
had to do all the hard work ofreparenting your inner child.
We're also going to talk aboutgrief, not just for the dads
that we've lost, but for thedads that we never really had,
for the dads that never showedup, and I'm going to share some
powerful ways that you can takecare of yourself this Father's
(00:44):
Day, even if that means skippingit altogether.
So if you've ever felt likethis day brings up more pain
than peace, or if you're readyto break the cycle and define
fatherhood and healing on yourown terms, then stick around.
There's a lot of gems in thisepisode and I promise that
you're going to leave feelingmore seen, grounded and
supportive.
So let's dive in.
(01:04):
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
(01:26):
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 49th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent, who's here toremind you that it's okay to
(01:48):
skip the barbecue if theemotional menu includes guilt
and resentment.
Before I start this episode, Iwant to take a minute to focus
on what we're all grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times just be grateful.
And if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your
eyes at least once.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
(02:10):
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways to shift your
mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life.
When we pause to think aboutwhat we're grateful for, even
those little things like a goodcup of coffee or a friend who
texts back really quickly.
It's going to help your brainfocus on what's working instead
of what's missing or what'sbroken.
(02:31):
It doesn't mean ignoring thosehard things.
It just means giving yourselfsome balance, like, yeah, today
was really stressful, but also Ifound a fry at the bottom of
the bag and it tasted like hope.
So, no, it's not going to fixall your problems, but it might
make them feel a little lighter.
I want to give a shout out toSuzanne, who's grateful to be
(02:52):
alive.
That is something that Idefinitely take for granted and
I should take more time toappreciate.
And for myself, I'm feelinggrateful for my dad.
He wasn't perfect, but he waspatient and generous and always
willing to pass down the thingsthat he knew.
He built a house with me yeah,I mean like a literal house and
he taught me so many great lifeskills along the way, like how
(03:16):
to change a light fixture andfix and replace a toilet and so
many other things.
He didn't always have all thewords or the emotional tools,
but he was able to give what hecould and he passed on the
knowledge that he had.
And I'm able to recognize howlucky I was, and I recognize
that not everyone has had thatsame experience At this time of
(03:39):
year.
Father's Day is everywhere.
It's in commercials, in stores,on social media.
I like Father's Day because Ihave a good relationship with my
dad and I like to celebratewhat he means to me.
But also, you know, to behonest, I like the tools that go
on sale at Home Depot and it'sa really great time of year for
me to stock up.
We're bombarded with all theseadvertisements that paint a warm
(04:02):
picture of loving relationshipswith a supportive dad, someone
who's playing ball with the kidsin the backyard or teaching you
how to ride a bike.
But for a lot of people thatjust isn't reality.
Now, if you've had a present,loving and supportive dad,
that's amazing.
Truly it is, and you need tocelebrate the heck out of that.
But for a lot of people,father's Day can be really
(04:24):
complicated.
It's not all barbecues andHallmark cards.
It can bring up some real griefand guilt and anger or a
strange kind of numbness that'shard to put into words.
Not everyone had a dad whoshowed up, and I don't just mean
physically.
Some dads were in the house,but they were never really there
.
You could have shared a roofand still felt completely alone.
(04:46):
Maybe your dad worked all thetime.
Maybe he was emotionally closedoff, maybe he didn't know how
to love in a way that felt safeor warm or real, and maybe he
was that guy that just watchedTV all the time with the
emotional depth of a pottedplant.
And when Father's Day rollsaround, the pressure can hit
really hard.
You start scrolling throughsocial media and suddenly
(05:08):
everyone's posting tributes liketo the best dad in the world or
couldn't have asked for abetter role model.
And you're sitting therethinking like well, mine taught
me how to use a credit card anddrink beer and disappear
emotionally for decades.
Like what are you even supposedto post in a situation like
that?
Some stock photo of a lawnmower, maybe a screenshot of the last
awkward one word text that hesent six months ago?
(05:31):
And let's be honest, there'sthis unspoken pressure not just
to post but to feel a certainway, to be grateful.
There's this pressure tocelebrate, to perform the idea
of this perfect family for oneday, because that's what
everyone else is doing and youfeel like that's what your
family and society is expectingyou to do.
But I'm here to tell you thatyou don't owe anyone a curated
(05:54):
post or pretend smile,especially not if your
relationship with your dad waspainful or non-existent or just
really confusing.
Sometimes the person that you'regrieving is still alive.
It's a very specific kind ofgrief.
You're not mourning their death.
You're mourning what you nevergot the conversations that you
needed or the comfort that youcraved.
(06:16):
And it gets really confusingwhen your dad wasn't all that
bad.
Maybe he did provide for yourfamily, but he never hugged you.
Maybe he said that he loved you, but only when he was drinking,
and maybe he did the best thathe could, but the best still
left you hurting, still left youneeding more.
Maybe he didn't step in whenyour mom was giving you the
silent treatment for weeks onend just to punish you.
(06:39):
It's okay to hold gratitude andhurt at the same time.
Those two things, they cancoexist.
This is especially true incodependent dynamics, where
we're used to minimizing our ownpain just to protect someone
else's image or their feelings.
We tell ourselves things likewell, he tried, or he's had a
really hard life too, and thosethings can be true.
(07:00):
But so was your experience, andfor some of you, father's Day
isn't just about a complicateddad, but it's also maybe you
stepping into that role yourself.
Maybe you've had to be thefather that you never had.
Maybe you're the one who showsup and provides or protects and
nurtures others.
Maybe you're raising kids andstill healing the parts of you
(07:22):
that weren't properly parented.
So Father's Day brings up theseweird feelings of sadness or
nothing at all.
You're not broken and you'renot an ungrateful child.
You're allowed to sit this oneout if you want, and you're
allowed to feel conflicted, andyou're definitely allowed to set
boundaries, whether that meansskipping the family barbecue,
(07:45):
muting the social posts or evenjust saying this day is really
hard for me.
And if you want to, you'reallowed to celebrate someone
else, whether that was maybe astepdad, a mentor, a friend or
even yourself.
Then go for it.
You get to define what familyand fatherhood means to you.
So I just want to stick withthis for a minute, because I
think that it's one thing toacknowledge that Father's Day is
(08:08):
complicated, but it's anotherto start unpack's episode.
Emotional neglect isn't aboutwhat happened.
It's about what didn't happen,and it doesn't always leave
bruises or broken furniturebehind.
(08:34):
It leaves all these questionsand these deep ones that really
echo within you.
There were no bedtime stories.
No, I'm proud of you.
There was no emotional warmth.
You were needing a lighthouse.
Instead you just got a shadow.
And emotional neglect is reallysneaky, because as a kid you
don't think things like my dadis lacking in emotional capacity
(08:56):
.
Instead you're thinking thingslike there's something wrong
with me or I'm not worthnoticing.
Maybe if I was better or louderor quieter, more helpful, maybe
he'd care more.
And you start internalizingthat silence.
You fill the gaps with shameand the crazy part is that that
shame, it follows you for yearsinto adulthood, because when you
(09:20):
grow up in that emotionaldrought, your nervous system it
doesn't forget.
You might find yourself chasingpeople who give you just enough
attention to feel hopeful butnot enough to feel secure.
You start learning that youneed to earn love instead of
receiving it.
Or maybe you go the other way.
You start building these bigemotional walls so high that no
(09:42):
one can get in because it justhurts too much to be let down
again.
So you end up dating people whoare emotionally unavailable or
overly intense or totallychaotic, but somehow these
feelings they feel familiar.
It's a little bit like homebecause deep down this story
still keeps running in thebackground, saying things like
(10:03):
love.
It feels like longing orconnection is inconsistent.
I have to work hard just to beable to matter, and I know that
sometimes emotional neglectcomes from trauma that your
father never dealt with, andmaybe he grew up in a household
where emotions were punished orignored, and maybe vulnerability
was seen as a weakness andmaybe he thought that providing
(10:24):
financially was the only waythat he could love.
It's not going to excuse hisbehavior, but it helps to
explain how generationalpatterns get passed down.
It wasn't always out of cruelty.
Sometimes it was justunprocessed pain on his part.
Now I don't want you to go downthis rabbit hole of saying,
well, my dad was an abusive, somaybe I'm just being dramatic
(10:47):
and I want to stop you rightthere, because emotional neglect
is very real and it can shapeyour entire inner world.
Even if your dad was this niceguy, even if you went to work
every day and paid the bills,you can still be starving for
something that you neverreceived.
Some people cope by becomingperfectionists.
(11:07):
Others become caretakers,comedians or chameleons, doing
whatever it takes to feel likethey matter.
And then there are those of uswho become overly
self-sufficient, wearing ourindependence like armor and
calling it strength, when reallywe're just terrified to need
other people and to let them in.
You can grieve a father who'sstill alive, you can grieve a
(11:30):
relationship that never existed,and you can mourn the dad that
you wished that you had, even ifyour actual father is still
around mowing the lawn andsending chain emails or giving
you unsolicited opinions aboutyour life choices.
Grieving isn't just about death.
Sometimes it's for what neverwas, for the birthday parties
that he forgot or the hugs thathe never gave.
(11:51):
Now, some of you might hearthis and go straight to feeling
guilty, saying you know, but heprovided for us, or he didn't
hit me, he had a rough childhoodtoo, and yeah, those things.
They can all be true, but thisisn't about blaming, it's not
about tearing down his character.
It's about acknowledging thatyou had some unmet needs and
(12:14):
letting yourself feel the painof what you didn't get the
things that you needed andwanted from your dad that just
weren't there.
Because here's what happens ifyou don't allow yourself to
grieve.
Here's what happens if youdon't allow yourself to grieve.
We keep waiting.
We keep waiting for him toapologize, waiting for him to
change, waiting for the momentthat he turns to you and says
everything that you've everwanted to hear.
(12:35):
But a lot of times that momentit's not going to come, not
because you weren't worthy of it, but because he just doesn't
have the tools or the words forit.
And if you're still wanting orhoping and waiting, trying to be
good enough to finally get thatlove, then you're living in
this emotional limbo.
Grief is going to set you freefrom that waiting room.
(12:56):
It helps you stop chasing aversion of your father that
never existed and might not everexist.
It lets you say I wish it hadbeen different.
And I'm allowed to feel thatloss, because even if you've
moved on, even if you've gone totherapy, built a career,
started your own family, theremight still be this part of you,
(13:17):
this quiet little voice thatsays but what about me?
What about the little kid whonever got what he needed?
Grief it doesn't always looklike sobbing in this dark room.
Sometimes grieving looks likesnapping at your partner because
they didn't text you back fastenough.
Sometimes it looks likeavoiding Father's Day altogether
.
And sometimes it looks likewriting a letter that you're
(13:39):
never going to send.
And, by the way, I highlyrecommend that you write that
letter not for him, but for you.
You don't need to send it andhe doesn't even need to know
that it exists.
But getting the words out ofyour body and onto paper can be
really healing.
Saying everything that you wishyou could say all the angry
things and the heartbreakingthings, the things that you
(14:01):
didn't even know you werecarrying, until they're pouring
out of you and it can start likesomething like dear dad, I
wanted you to be someone thatyou couldn't be and I'm still
learning how to let go of thatdream.
Or you can try being a littlesassier, like, dear dad, I
didn't realize I was auditioningfor your approval and guess
what I quit.
Graving the father that younever had is an act of love for
(14:25):
yourself.
It's saying I deserved betterand I'm allowed to miss what I
never had.
I don't have to keep pretendingthat I'm fine just because he's
still breathing.
Healing doesn't mean that youforget or that you excuse or
deny.
It means that you acknowledgethe truth and keep going anyway.
So after you sit with thatgrief, after you name what you
(14:48):
never got, something kind ofpowerful is going to happen and
you're going to start to wonderdoes it really need to be this
way?
Does fatherhood always have tobe tied to emotional distance or
silent suffering.
What if we could just rewritethe script?
Because a lot of men were nevertaught how to process emotions.
They were taught that strengthmeant stoicism, that crying was
(15:11):
weakness, that vulnerabilitymade you soft or worse and made
you a liability.
You were potentially raisedwith phrases like man up or
don't be a girl.
Real men don't talk about theirfeelings.
Or maybe you were never toldnot to cry, but you never saw
your dad cry or show emotionseither.
Maybe your tears were met withannoyance or they were dismissed
(15:33):
.
And if you grew up hearingthose things, directly or
indirectly, it makes sense thatemotional availability didn't
show up in your household.
It's not that your dad didn'tcare, it's that no one ever
showed him how, and that'scalled generational silence.
It gets passed down like somefamily recipe for emotional
constipation.
No one talks, no one namesthings, everyone just mows the
(15:57):
lawn aggressively and calls itbonding.
But here's where we're going tobreak the cycle.
We don't have to keep repeatingwhat was modeled for us,
because masculinity as it's beendefined for so long is just too
narrow, too rigid and, honestly, it's really exhausting.
We're wrapped up in being a manaround toughness, control,
(16:19):
emotional suppression and neverasking for help, and yet so many
men are quietly drowning underall that pressure.
So let's redefine it, let'sexpand what it means to be a
good man, a good father and agood human, because
vulnerability is not weakness,it's courage.
Presence is more powerful thanperfection.
(16:41):
Consistency is going to speaklouder than any grand gesture.
Your kids don't need you to be asuperhero.
They need you to be there.
They need you to show up evenif you're tired, even if you
don't have the perfect words oreven if you're still figuring it
out.
You don't have to give a TEDtalk on emotional intelligence
at the dinner table.
(17:01):
Sometimes it's as simple as hey, buddy, I had a hard day, how
about you?
Or I'm proud of you, not forwhat you did, but just for who
you are.
And if you're not parentingkids but you're trying to be a
better man or partner or friendor sibling, things like that,
they still count.
Being emotionally available andlearning how to say I feel
(17:23):
instead of just I'm fine, askingfor help, showing kindness,
that's the new masculinity andthat's what strength actually
looks like.
Of course, we're still in aworld that celebrates the old
model.
You might still hear thingslike he's such a strong, silent
type or he never complains, henever cries, never shares.
What a rock and sure.
(17:45):
Rocks are really strong, butthey're also cold and immovable
and really hard to hug.
So maybe instead of being arock, you get to be a human.
You get to be messy and realand soft and gooey in certain
places.
You're capable of growing, ofapologizing and saying I don't
know, but I want to do better.
(18:06):
Look, no one is born knowing howto parent well, especially if
you didn't have a really goodrole model.
But every choice that you makenow, every time that you pause
before reacting, every time youlisten instead of lecture, and
every time you say I love youwith eye contact instead of just
tossing it over your shoulderlike some spare sock, you're
writing a new story.
(18:27):
You're showing the nextgeneration that love doesn't
have to look like stoic silenceand buried emotions.
It can look like warmth, likegentleness, like actually being
there.
Now I know you're wonderingwhat do I know about being a man
?
I don't, but I am seeing a newtrend where men are being more
emotionally available.
I've been listening to apodcast called Behind the Shades
(18:50):
with Terrain and I just have tosay that I really appreciate
how vulnerable he's willing tobe on his show.
He's in tune with his feelingsand he's not afraid to
communicate them openly, andit's really rare to hear that
kind of emotional honesty,especially from a male host, and
it really stands out.
So if emotional vulnerability issomething that's foreign to you
and you feel like you'vealready messed up, then join the
(19:12):
club.
You're not alone, I can assureyou of that.
Perfection isn't the goal here.
Presence is, and you can alwaysstart again.
So, whether you're parentingkids, reparenting yourself or
just trying to unlearn thoseoutdated rules that you were
handed down, know this You'reallowed to redefine what it
means to be a man.
You're allowed to lead withsoftness, not shame, and you're
(19:35):
not less of a man for beingemotionally available.
So, after talking aboutredefining fatherhood and
masculinity, about showing up innew ways and breaking cycles
and leading with presence, itbrings me to something else
that's really important.
That's you, because maybe youdidn't have the dad that you
needed and maybe you're not afather yourself, but if you've
(19:58):
been doing the hard work ofhealing, especially if you've
had to reparent yourself, thenthis day, father's Day, can be
about you too, and I mean thatIf you've had to be your own
comforter, if you've had tounlearn shame and rebuild
self-trust and speak kindly toyourself for the first time ever
.
That takes strength and ittakes presence and it takes
(20:19):
showing up.
You've become the parent thatyou needed and that deserves to
be honored too.
Honoring yourself on Father'sDay doesn't have to look like a
big, dramatic gesture.
You don't need to rent a hotair balloon that says I'm proud
of you, inner child, unless youreally want to.
In that case, please send mesome photos.
It can be something quiet,something gentle, a ritual or a
(20:41):
moment that says I see you andI'm proud of how far you've come
.
Maybe it's going for a solowalk and listening to a playlist
that reminds you of your owngrowth.
Maybe it's writing yourself aFather's Day card that says all
the things that you wish someonehad said to you growing up.
Maybe it's just sitting insilence and letting yourself
feel whatever comes up andchoosing not to judge it.
(21:02):
Or maybe just skip the dayentirely.
You don't have to participatein a holiday that doesn't speak
to your experience.
You don't owe a social mediapost.
You don't owe anyone anexplanation.
You're allowed to say this dayis hard and I'm doing what I
need to protect myself.
And hey, if your version ofpeace is staying in your pajamas
(21:22):
all day, ordering takeout andbinge watching shows where the
dad actually apologizes andmakes amends, then go for it.
Here are some things that youcan do if you're feeling
pressure to do something forFather's Day.
One get honest with yourselffirst.
Before you make any decisions,check with yourself.
How do I feel, what do I need?
(21:43):
What's driving this pressure?
Is it guilt, fear, obligation,need?
What's driving this pressure?
Is it guilt, fear or obligation?
Clarity here is going to bereally powerful and you're
allowed to want distance.
Two you need to do what's rightfor you Seriously.
You don't need to keep puttingyourself in uncomfortable
situations just to make someoneelse happy.
It's not your job to regulatesomeone else's emotions at the
(22:04):
cost of your own well-being.
If seeing your dad feels moreharmful than healing, you can
say this day is difficult for me.
I'm choosing to take space.
I'm not up for a visit today,but I hope you're having a good
day.
I'm focusing on my own healing,and that means setting a
boundary right now.
You don't owe anyone aperformance or a reason that you
(22:25):
think that they're going toagree with.
Three let go of the guilt.
Guilt often shows up when webreak patterns or challenge
expectations.
But guilt doesn't mean thatyou're doing something wrong.
It often just means that you'redoing something different.
Our parents are responsible fordealing with their own emotions
, just like you're responsiblefor dealing with yours.
You might feel like you'rebeing selfish, but you're not.
(22:47):
You're just practicingself-respect.
Four you can offer analternative connection if you
want to.
If cutting off completely feelsa little bit too drastic, you
can offer something smaller ordifferent.
Maybe a short phone callinstead of a visit, or a simple
message or a card.
Maybe try meeting on adifferent day that feels a
(23:08):
little bit less emotionallyloaded.
You're allowed to prioritizeyour peace.
Father's Day doesn't have tomean abandoning yourself to make
someone else feel comfortable.
You don't need to set yourselfon fire just to keep your dad
warm.
You're not being selfish forprotecting your energy and
you're not bitter for tellingthe truth about what you've
lived through.
You're not too sensitive forneeding a different kind of
(23:30):
celebration or no celebration atall.
You're honoring yourself, yourexperience, your growth.
So, if no one's told you thisyet, I'm really proud of you,
not for being perfect, not forholding it all together, but for
waking up and choosing to keepgoing For choosing to show up
for yourself in small,consistent ways and for doing
(23:52):
the work that no one else cansee.
But that changes everything.
So this Father's Day, whetheryou're spending it with family,
avoiding social media, lightinga candle for someone that you've
lost, or just taking a nap,make sure it's your version.
You get to decide what feelsright.
You get to decide what honoringlooks like and who you're going
to honor, and if that meansturning your phone off, eating
(24:15):
pancakes in bed and saying happyFather's Day to me while
watching a YouTube video aboutnervous system regulation, then
I fully support that.
You're worthy of care,compassion and celebration,
whether anyone else sees it ornot.
I'd really appreciate it if youcould be so kind as to follow
me and maybe leave a comment forthe show.
I also invite you to write aletter to your dad unloading all
(24:38):
of your pain, the hurt thathe's caused, the times where he
wasn't there to back you up orto tell you that he loved you.
You can bury that letter or youcan send it to me if you want.
I'm going to keep your secretssafe, so you can send that to
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
I'm most active on Facebook atthe Codependent Doctor and
threads and Instagram atdrangeladowney.
(25:01):
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about
rebuilding trust after conflict.
Take care, for now You've gotthis.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
(25:22):
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
(25:43):
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Today's episode is for anyone who's ever felt a
little out of place whenFather's Day rolls around, if
you didn't have a greatrelationship with your dad, or
if this day stirs up somecomplicated emotions for you.
You're not alone and thisepisode is definitely going to
be for you.
We're going to get into allsorts of good stuff today, like
what to do if your dad wasemotionally absent, how to
(00:22):
navigate the pressures tocelebrate your father when
you're just not feeling it, andhow to honor yourself if you've
had to do all the hard work ofreparenting your inner child.
We're also going to talk aboutgrief, not just for the dads
that we've lost, but for thedads that we never really had,
for the dads that never showedup, and I'm going to share some
powerful ways that you can takecare of yourself this Father's
(00:44):
Day, even if that means skippingit altogether.
So if you've ever felt likethis day brings up more pain
than peace, or if you're readyto break the cycle and define
fatherhood and healing on yourown terms, then stick around.
There's a lot of gems in thisepisode and I promise that
you're going to leave feelingmore seen, grounded and
supportive.
So let's dive in.
(01:04):
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
(01:26):
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 49th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent, who's here toremind you that it's okay to
(01:48):
skip the barbecue if theemotional menu includes guilt
and resentment.
Before I start this episode, Iwant to take a minute to focus
on what we're all grateful for.
You've probably heard it ahundred times just be grateful.
And if you're anything like me,you've probably rolled your
eyes at least once.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't just some cheesy self-help
(02:10):
trend.
It's actually one of thesimplest ways to shift your
mindset without needing tooverhaul your entire life.
When we pause to think aboutwhat we're grateful for, even
those little things like a goodcup of coffee or a friend who
texts back really quickly.
It's going to help your brainfocus on what's working instead
of what's missing or what'sbroken.
(02:31):
It doesn't mean ignoring thosehard things.
It just means giving yourselfsome balance, like, yeah, today
was really stressful, but also Ifound a fry at the bottom of
the bag and it tasted like hope.
So, no, it's not going to fixall your problems, but it might
make them feel a little lighter.
I want to give a shout out toSuzanne, who's grateful to be
(02:52):
alive.
That is something that Idefinitely take for granted and
I should take more time toappreciate.
And for myself, I'm feelinggrateful for my dad.
He wasn't perfect, but he waspatient and generous and always
willing to pass down the thingsthat he knew.
He built a house with me yeah,I mean like a literal house and
he taught me so many great lifeskills along the way, like how
(03:16):
to change a light fixture andfix and replace a toilet and so
many other things.
He didn't always have all thewords or the emotional tools,
but he was able to give what hecould and he passed on the
knowledge that he had.
And I'm able to recognize howlucky I was, and I recognize
that not everyone has had thatsame experience At this time of
(03:39):
year.
Father's Day is everywhere.
It's in commercials, in stores,on social media.
I like Father's Day because Ihave a good relationship with my
dad and I like to celebratewhat he means to me.
But also, you know, to behonest, I like the tools that go
on sale at Home Depot and it'sa really great time of year for
me to stock up.
We're bombarded with all theseadvertisements that paint a warm
(04:02):
picture of loving relationshipswith a supportive dad, someone
who's playing ball with the kidsin the backyard or teaching you
how to ride a bike.
But for a lot of people thatjust isn't reality.
Now, if you've had a present,loving and supportive dad,
that's amazing.
Truly it is, and you need tocelebrate the heck out of that.
But for a lot of people,father's Day can be really
(04:24):
complicated.
It's not all barbecues andHallmark cards.
It can bring up some real griefand guilt and anger or a
strange kind of numbness that'shard to put into words.
Not everyone had a dad whoshowed up, and I don't just mean
physically.
Some dads were in the house,but they were never really there
.
You could have shared a roofand still felt completely alone.
(04:46):
Maybe your dad worked all thetime.
Maybe he was emotionally closedoff, maybe he didn't know how
to love in a way that felt safeor warm or real, and maybe he
was that guy that just watchedTV all the time with the
emotional depth of a pottedplant.
And when Father's Day rollsaround, the pressure can hit
really hard.
You start scrolling throughsocial media and suddenly
(05:08):
everyone's posting tributes liketo the best dad in the world or
couldn't have asked for abetter role model.
And you're sitting therethinking like well, mine taught
me how to use a credit card anddrink beer and disappear
emotionally for decades.
Like what are you even supposedto post in a situation like
that?
Some stock photo of a lawnmower, maybe a screenshot of the last
awkward one word text that hesent six months ago?
(05:31):
And let's be honest, there'sthis unspoken pressure not just
to post but to feel a certainway, to be grateful.
There's this pressure tocelebrate, to perform the idea
of this perfect family for oneday, because that's what
everyone else is doing and youfeel like that's what your
family and society is expectingyou to do.
But I'm here to tell you thatyou don't owe anyone a curated
(05:54):
post or pretend smile,especially not if your
relationship with your dad waspainful or non-existent or just
really confusing.
Sometimes the person that you'regrieving is still alive.
It's a very specific kind ofgrief.
You're not mourning their death.
You're mourning what you nevergot the conversations that you
needed or the comfort that youcraved.
(06:16):
And it gets really confusingwhen your dad wasn't all that
bad.
Maybe he did provide for yourfamily, but he never hugged you.
Maybe he said that he loved you, but only when he was drinking,
and maybe he did the best thathe could, but the best still
left you hurting, still left youneeding more.
Maybe he didn't step in whenyour mom was giving you the
silent treatment for weeks onend just to punish you.
(06:39):
It's okay to hold gratitude andhurt at the same time.
Those two things, they cancoexist.
This is especially true incodependent dynamics, where
we're used to minimizing our ownpain just to protect someone
else's image or their feelings.
We tell ourselves things likewell, he tried, or he's had a
really hard life too, and thosethings can be true.
(07:00):
But so was your experience, andfor some of you, father's Day
isn't just about a complicateddad, but it's also maybe you
stepping into that role yourself.
Maybe you've had to be thefather that you never had.
Maybe you're the one who showsup and provides or protects and
nurtures others.
Maybe you're raising kids andstill healing the parts of you
(07:22):
that weren't properly parented.
So Father's Day brings up theseweird feelings of sadness or
nothing at all.
You're not broken and you'renot an ungrateful child.
You're allowed to sit this oneout if you want, and you're
allowed to feel conflicted, andyou're definitely allowed to set
boundaries, whether that meansskipping the family barbecue,
(07:45):
muting the social posts or evenjust saying this day is really
hard for me.
And if you want to, you'reallowed to celebrate someone
else, whether that was maybe astepdad, a mentor, a friend or
even yourself.
Then go for it.
You get to define what familyand fatherhood means to you.
So I just want to stick withthis for a minute, because I
think that it's one thing toacknowledge that Father's Day is
(08:08):
complicated, but it's anotherto start unpack's episode.
Emotional neglect isn't aboutwhat happened.
It's about what didn't happen,and it doesn't always leave
bruises or broken furniturebehind.
(08:34):
It leaves all these questionsand these deep ones that really
echo within you.
There were no bedtime stories.
No, I'm proud of you.
There was no emotional warmth.
You were needing a lighthouse.
Instead you just got a shadow.
And emotional neglect is reallysneaky, because as a kid you
don't think things like my dadis lacking in emotional capacity
(08:56):
.
Instead you're thinking thingslike there's something wrong
with me or I'm not worthnoticing.
Maybe if I was better or louderor quieter, more helpful, maybe
he'd care more.
And you start internalizingthat silence.
You fill the gaps with shameand the crazy part is that that
shame, it follows you for yearsinto adulthood, because when you
(09:20):
grow up in that emotionaldrought, your nervous system it
doesn't forget.
You might find yourself chasingpeople who give you just enough
attention to feel hopeful butnot enough to feel secure.
You start learning that youneed to earn love instead of
receiving it.
Or maybe you go the other way.
You start building these bigemotional walls so high that no
(09:42):
one can get in because it justhurts too much to be let down
again.
So you end up dating people whoare emotionally unavailable or
overly intense or totallychaotic, but somehow these
feelings they feel familiar.
It's a little bit like homebecause deep down this story
still keeps running in thebackground, saying things like
(10:03):
love.
It feels like longing orconnection is inconsistent.
I have to work hard just to beable to matter, and I know that
sometimes emotional neglectcomes from trauma that your
father never dealt with, andmaybe he grew up in a household
where emotions were punished orignored, and maybe vulnerability
was seen as a weakness andmaybe he thought that providing
(10:24):
financially was the only waythat he could love.
It's not going to excuse hisbehavior, but it helps to
explain how generationalpatterns get passed down.
It wasn't always out of cruelty.
Sometimes it was justunprocessed pain on his part.
Now I don't want you to go downthis rabbit hole of saying,
well, my dad was an abusive, somaybe I'm just being dramatic
(10:47):
and I want to stop you rightthere, because emotional neglect
is very real and it can shapeyour entire inner world.
Even if your dad was this niceguy, even if you went to work
every day and paid the bills,you can still be starving for
something that you neverreceived.
Some people cope by becomingperfectionists.
(11:07):
Others become caretakers,comedians or chameleons, doing
whatever it takes to feel likethey matter.
And then there are those of uswho become overly
self-sufficient, wearing ourindependence like armor and
calling it strength, when reallywe're just terrified to need
other people and to let them in.
You can grieve a father who'sstill alive, you can grieve a
(11:30):
relationship that never existed,and you can mourn the dad that
you wished that you had, even ifyour actual father is still
around mowing the lawn andsending chain emails or giving
you unsolicited opinions aboutyour life choices.
Grieving isn't just about death.
Sometimes it's for what neverwas, for the birthday parties
that he forgot or the hugs thathe never gave.
(11:51):
Now, some of you might hearthis and go straight to feeling
guilty, saying you know, but heprovided for us, or he didn't
hit me, he had a rough childhoodtoo, and yeah, those things.
They can all be true, but thisisn't about blaming, it's not
about tearing down his character.
It's about acknowledging thatyou had some unmet needs and
(12:14):
letting yourself feel the painof what you didn't get the
things that you needed andwanted from your dad that just
weren't there.
Because here's what happens ifyou don't allow yourself to
grieve.
Here's what happens if youdon't allow yourself to grieve.
We keep waiting.
We keep waiting for him toapologize, waiting for him to
change, waiting for the momentthat he turns to you and says
everything that you've everwanted to hear.
(12:35):
But a lot of times that momentit's not going to come, not
because you weren't worthy of it, but because he just doesn't
have the tools or the words forit.
And if you're still wanting orhoping and waiting, trying to be
good enough to finally get thatlove, then you're living in
this emotional limbo.
Grief is going to set you freefrom that waiting room.
(12:56):
It helps you stop chasing aversion of your father that
never existed and might not everexist.
It lets you say I wish it hadbeen different.
And I'm allowed to feel thatloss, because even if you've
moved on, even if you've gone totherapy, built a career,
started your own family, theremight still be this part of you,
(13:17):
this quiet little voice thatsays but what about me?
What about the little kid whonever got what he needed?
Grief it doesn't always looklike sobbing in this dark room.
Sometimes grieving looks likesnapping at your partner because
they didn't text you back fastenough.
Sometimes it looks likeavoiding Father's Day altogether
.
And sometimes it looks likewriting a letter that you're
(13:39):
never going to send.
And, by the way, I highlyrecommend that you write that
letter not for him, but for you.
You don't need to send it andhe doesn't even need to know
that it exists.
But getting the words out ofyour body and onto paper can be
really healing.
Saying everything that you wishyou could say all the angry
things and the heartbreakingthings, the things that you
(14:01):
didn't even know you werecarrying, until they're pouring
out of you and it can start likesomething like dear dad, I
wanted you to be someone thatyou couldn't be and I'm still
learning how to let go of thatdream.
Or you can try being a littlesassier, like, dear dad, I
didn't realize I was auditioningfor your approval and guess
what I quit.
Graving the father that younever had is an act of love for
(14:25):
yourself.
It's saying I deserved betterand I'm allowed to miss what I
never had.
I don't have to keep pretendingthat I'm fine just because he's
still breathing.
Healing doesn't mean that youforget or that you excuse or
deny.
It means that you acknowledgethe truth and keep going anyway.
So after you sit with thatgrief, after you name what you
(14:48):
never got, something kind ofpowerful is going to happen and
you're going to start to wonderdoes it really need to be this
way?
Does fatherhood always have tobe tied to emotional distance or
silent suffering.
What if we could just rewritethe script?
Because a lot of men were nevertaught how to process emotions.
They were taught that strengthmeant stoicism, that crying was
(15:11):
weakness, that vulnerabilitymade you soft or worse and made
you a liability.
You were potentially raisedwith phrases like man up or
don't be a girl.
Real men don't talk about theirfeelings.
Or maybe you were never toldnot to cry, but you never saw
your dad cry or show emotionseither.
Maybe your tears were met withannoyance or they were dismissed
(15:33):
.
And if you grew up hearingthose things, directly or
indirectly, it makes sense thatemotional availability didn't
show up in your household.
It's not that your dad didn'tcare, it's that no one ever
showed him how, and that'scalled generational silence.
It gets passed down like somefamily recipe for emotional
constipation.
No one talks, no one namesthings, everyone just mows the
(15:57):
lawn aggressively and calls itbonding.
But here's where we're going tobreak the cycle.
We don't have to keep repeatingwhat was modeled for us,
because masculinity as it's beendefined for so long is just too
narrow, too rigid and, honestly, it's really exhausting.
We're wrapped up in being a manaround toughness, control,
(16:19):
emotional suppression and neverasking for help, and yet so many
men are quietly drowning underall that pressure.
So let's redefine it, let'sexpand what it means to be a
good man, a good father and agood human, because
vulnerability is not weakness,it's courage.
Presence is more powerful thanperfection.
(16:41):
Consistency is going to speaklouder than any grand gesture.
Your kids don't need you to be asuperhero.
They need you to be there.
They need you to show up evenif you're tired, even if you
don't have the perfect words oreven if you're still figuring it
out.
You don't have to give a TEDtalk on emotional intelligence
at the dinner table.
(17:01):
Sometimes it's as simple as hey, buddy, I had a hard day, how
about you?
Or I'm proud of you, not forwhat you did, but just for who
you are.
And if you're not parentingkids but you're trying to be a
better man or partner or friendor sibling, things like that,
they still count.
Being emotionally available andlearning how to say I feel
(17:23):
instead of just I'm fine, askingfor help, showing kindness,
that's the new masculinity andthat's what strength actually
looks like.
Of course, we're still in aworld that celebrates the old
model.
You might still hear thingslike he's such a strong, silent
type or he never complains, henever cries, never shares.
What a rock and sure.
(17:45):
Rocks are really strong, butthey're also cold and immovable
and really hard to hug.
So maybe instead of being arock, you get to be a human.
You get to be messy and realand soft and gooey in certain
places.
You're capable of growing, ofapologizing and saying I don't
know, but I want to do better.
(18:06):
Look, no one is born knowing howto parent well, especially if
you didn't have a really goodrole model.
But every choice that you makenow, every time that you pause
before reacting, every time youlisten instead of lecture, and
every time you say I love youwith eye contact instead of just
tossing it over your shoulderlike some spare sock, you're
writing a new story.
(18:27):
You're showing the nextgeneration that love doesn't
have to look like stoic silenceand buried emotions.
It can look like warmth, likegentleness, like actually being
there.
Now I know you're wonderingwhat do I know about being a man
?
I don't, but I am seeing a newtrend where men are being more
emotionally available.
I've been listening to apodcast called Behind the Shades
(18:50):
with Terrain and I just have tosay that I really appreciate
how vulnerable he's willing tobe on his show.
He's in tune with his feelingsand he's not afraid to
communicate them openly, andit's really rare to hear that
kind of emotional honesty,especially from a male host, and
it really stands out.
So if emotional vulnerability issomething that's foreign to you
and you feel like you'vealready messed up, then join the
(19:12):
club.
You're not alone, I can assureyou of that.
Perfection isn't the goal here.
Presence is, and you can alwaysstart again.
So, whether you're parentingkids, reparenting yourself or
just trying to unlearn thoseoutdated rules that you were
handed down, know this You'reallowed to redefine what it
means to be a man.
You're allowed to lead withsoftness, not shame, and you're
(19:35):
not less of a man for beingemotionally available.
So, after talking aboutredefining fatherhood and
masculinity, about showing up innew ways and breaking cycles
and leading with presence, itbrings me to something else
that's really important.
That's you, because maybe youdidn't have the dad that you
needed and maybe you're not afather yourself, but if you've
(19:58):
been doing the hard work ofhealing, especially if you've
had to reparent yourself, thenthis day, father's Day, can be
about you too, and I mean thatIf you've had to be your own
comforter, if you've had tounlearn shame and rebuild
self-trust and speak kindly toyourself for the first time ever
.
That takes strength and ittakes presence and it takes
(20:19):
showing up.
You've become the parent thatyou needed and that deserves to
be honored too.
Honoring yourself on Father'sDay doesn't have to look like a
big, dramatic gesture.
You don't need to rent a hotair balloon that says I'm proud
of you, inner child, unless youreally want to.
In that case, please send mesome photos.
It can be something quiet,something gentle, a ritual or a
(20:41):
moment that says I see you andI'm proud of how far you've come
.
Maybe it's going for a solowalk and listening to a playlist
that reminds you of your owngrowth.
Maybe it's writing yourself aFather's Day card that says all
the things that you wish someonehad said to you growing up.
Maybe it's just sitting insilence and letting yourself
feel whatever comes up andchoosing not to judge it.
(21:02):
Or maybe just skip the dayentirely.
You don't have to participatein a holiday that doesn't speak
to your experience.
You don't owe a social mediapost.
You don't owe anyone anexplanation.
You're allowed to say this dayis hard and I'm doing what I
need to protect myself.
And hey, if your version ofpeace is staying in your pajamas
(21:22):
all day, ordering takeout andbinge watching shows where the
dad actually apologizes andmakes amends, then go for it.
Here are some things that youcan do if you're feeling
pressure to do something forFather's Day.
One get honest with yourselffirst.
Before you make any decisions,check with yourself.
How do I feel, what do I need?
(21:43):
What's driving this pressure?
Is it guilt, fear, obligation,need?
What's driving this pressure?
Is it guilt, fear or obligation?
Clarity here is going to bereally powerful and you're
allowed to want distance.
Two you need to do what's rightfor you Seriously.
You don't need to keep puttingyourself in uncomfortable
situations just to make someoneelse happy.
It's not your job to regulatesomeone else's emotions at the
(22:04):
cost of your own well-being.
If seeing your dad feels moreharmful than healing, you can
say this day is difficult for me.
I'm choosing to take space.
I'm not up for a visit today,but I hope you're having a good
day.
I'm focusing on my own healing,and that means setting a
boundary right now.
You don't owe anyone aperformance or a reason that you
(22:25):
think that they're going toagree with.
Three let go of the guilt.
Guilt often shows up when webreak patterns or challenge
expectations.
But guilt doesn't mean thatyou're doing something wrong.
It often just means that you'redoing something different.
Our parents are responsible fordealing with their own emotions
, just like you're responsiblefor dealing with yours.
You might feel like you'rebeing selfish, but you're not.
(22:47):
You're just practicingself-respect.
Four you can offer analternative connection if you
want to.
If cutting off completely feelsa little bit too drastic, you
can offer something smaller ordifferent.
Maybe a short phone callinstead of a visit, or a simple
message or a card.
Maybe try meeting on adifferent day that feels a
(23:08):
little bit less emotionallyloaded.
You're allowed to prioritizeyour peace.
Father's Day doesn't have tomean abandoning yourself to make
someone else feel comfortable.
You don't need to set yourselfon fire just to keep your dad
warm.
You're not being selfish forprotecting your energy and
you're not bitter for tellingthe truth about what you've
lived through.
You're not too sensitive forneeding a different kind of
(23:30):
celebration or no celebration atall.
You're honoring yourself, yourexperience, your growth.
So, if no one's told you thisyet, I'm really proud of you,
not for being perfect, not forholding it all together, but for
waking up and choosing to keepgoing For choosing to show up
for yourself in small,consistent ways and for doing
(23:52):
the work that no one else cansee.
But that changes everything.
So this Father's Day, whetheryou're spending it with family,
avoiding social media, lightinga candle for someone that you've
lost, or just taking a nap,make sure it's your version.
You get to decide what feelsright.
You get to decide what honoringlooks like and who you're going
to honor, and if that meansturning your phone off, eating
(24:15):
pancakes in bed and saying happyFather's Day to me while
watching a YouTube video aboutnervous system regulation, then
I fully support that.
You're worthy of care,compassion and celebration,
whether anyone else sees it ornot.
I'd really appreciate it if youcould be so kind as to follow
me and maybe leave a comment forthe show.
I also invite you to write aletter to your dad unloading all
(24:38):
of your pain, the hurt thathe's caused, the times where he
wasn't there to back you up orto tell you that he loved you.
You can bury that letter or youcan send it to me if you want.
I'm going to keep your secretssafe, so you can send that to
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
I'm most active on Facebook atthe Codependent Doctor and
threads and Instagram atdrangeladowney.
(25:01):
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about
rebuilding trust after conflict.
Take care, for now You've gotthis.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
(25:22):
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
(25:43):
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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