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December 31, 2024 • 42 mins

In this final episode of 2024, hosts John Duerler and Brian Janes reflect on their podcasting journey, discuss personal growth and New Year's resolutions, and navigate the complexities of coming out and relationships. They share insights on loss, acceptance, and the importance of authenticity while also addressing the challenges faced by LGBTQ individuals. The conversation emphasizes the significance of self-kindness, connection, and the power of positive thinking. Agapelive.com / 369project.com

Coming Inside OUT is a safe space where listeners can find solidarity, inspiration, and the courage to embrace their true selves. Whether you're a gay father, a person exploring your identity, or an ally seeking to understand the experiences of the LGBTQ community, this podcast is for you. Tune in for heartfelt conversations, insightful advice, and the sense of belonging that we all crave.

Join your hosts, Brian and John, as they candidly share their own journeys out of the closet while navigating the joys and challenges of parenthood as openly gay fathers. In each episode, Brian and John connect with fellow gay dads, sharing their inspiring stories, victories, and struggles. They delve into the complexities of grappling with sexuality, discussing their experiences as teens, husbands, and dads.

Together, they aim to foster a supportive community for those still in the closet, reassuring them that they are not alone in their journey. Join us on this journey of love, acceptance, and authenticity!

Contact us at cominginsideout@gmail.com #gay #lgbtqpodcast #lgbtq #gaymen #loveislove #gayfathers #gaydad #comingout #agapelive #agape #project369 #happynewyear

Keywords: podcast, LGBTQ, coming out, personal growth, New Year's resolutions, spirituality, relationships, self-acceptance, gay men, mental health, project369

Takeaways: This is our final episode of 2024. We have had 36 episodes and 21,000 downloads. New Year's resolutions can focus on self-kindness and awareness. Coming out can lead to feelings of loss and change. It's important to adapt to new family dynamics after coming out. Married men often seek connections outside their marriages. Karma plays a role in relationships with married individuals. Seeking genuine connections is more fulfilling than casual hookups. Books on personal development can provide valuable insights. Authenticity is crucial for mental health and well-being.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello gay men. I'm John Duerler. I'm Brian Janes. And this is called Coming Inside Out.

(00:11):
Coming Inside Out. And welcome how you like my sporty spice jacket. I love it. John, this
is our final episode of 2024. Really? This is going to drop on New Year's Eve. Oh nice.
Happy New Year everyone. Next season. Next in January we're going to be season two. Season two.

(00:31):
All right. How many podcasts did we do in 2020? This is going to be, so this is our 36th episode.
Wow. And we had a trailer. We started this in May. Right? May. But in May we dropped three
in one day. And then we had a couple weeks where we did two episodes and we had a special

(00:53):
episode on national coming out day. Yeah. So in total, yeah, 36 episodes. Wow. Yeah. And like
21,000 downloads. And that's only from three sources, right? That's from Apple, Spotify,
and YouTube. Yeah. That's 21. We didn't give out any subscriptions to get the information on the

(01:21):
other ones. Our feed page automatically feeds to iHeartRadio and to all these other Amazon and
to all those other things. But I don't pay for those. How much are those? Spotify is like 7.99 a
month or 11.99 a month or whatever. You would just buy the membership for each one. You'd have to

(01:42):
buy the streaming membership for every one of them. Right. So it'd be like eight times. Yeah. And I
have the streaming for the other ones. And that's how I gather that information. But I don't know
how to get it. Well, 21,000, I think is really good. I think that's good. I think it's a little
silver chain. But if you average the three, what is that 20 was eight, 8, 7,500? Yeah, right. It's

(02:10):
my math right? No. Something with us three. That we've got three. Oh, three. Oh, so I know. We're
over almost 10,000 on YouTube. We're 65, 600 on Apple. And then we're like 5,000 and change on our

(02:33):
website. All right. So the average of that, I'm going to say 7,000. Because three times seven is
black. Yeah. 21. Yeah. But I think that YouTube is our biggest YouTube's our biggest. And it wasn't in
the beginning. YouTube wasn't it took a long YouTube is hard to get rolling for a podcast. Interesting.

(02:54):
But I think safe to say then the other seven would be 7,000 each. Right. Can we average it that
way? I don't know. I don't know. There's other ones that I don't even know. Like, if you look at this
thing here, there was one called Deezer. There's audible. There's a bunch of different ones that

(03:15):
might be that are not like popular. I have no idea how you do get to those. But anyways, yes. Well,
happy New Year. Happy New Year. Yes, it is. What's your New Year's resolution? What do you got? I'm
going to be kinder to myself. I'm going to be a I'm going to lock kinder. I, you know, I'm not nice
to myself. Yeah. And I'll talk about that because I brought this book. I want to not plug in it for

(03:39):
whatever. But yeah, I was going to talk about that a little bit. But I thought that if I'm
going to ask me what my new year resolution is, I'm sorry. Yes. What is your New Year's resolution?
I'm going to be nicer to you. Yeah. Can we make it all about me? Let me make it all about me.
John, what would I don't have a New Year's resolution? I, you know, I just in general,

(04:01):
I started to be nicer to myself a couple weeks ago. I think I think that is great. And I think
it's more for me, it's more self awareness, self help, getting healthy. I think that's really
what, which everyone, I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. I,

(04:21):
I'm going to eat more. You know, I just, I think, you know, I do, I set up goals on every quarter
or something like that. Because I have such a, you know, I think, yeah, there's a big goal of like,
okay, I'm going to be finally divorced in 2025. If everything goes right, it will be around the
summertime. And, you know, that, that's a big, a big goal that I have. And just, you know,

(04:44):
building my business. And I've got some exciting things happening with another business that,
that I'm one of my business partners of one of my best friends too. I'm excited about that. And
so I think it's just, you know, just being, because I'm 57, 57. And, you know, I, I want to

(05:08):
travel. I want to take my boys to Europe. Liam is 13 now. So he has his memory, you know,
because 10 year olds, nine year olds, they don't want to do a lot of walking when they're young.
I don't want to do that. Yeah. But they're, you know, they're in history now. They're,
they're learning about a lot of history. We love, love Gladiator. And, you know,

(05:28):
want to take them to Rome and we want to go to the Coliseum and do that. So I guess if,
for my New Year's resolution is I want to pay off debt, incurred debt, which is fine. It's fine.
I'll take care of it. It's not a problem, but I've incurred it, going to pay it off. And really
set up plans for traveling. I want to travel because at 57, is it 77 or 87? Then you're worried

(05:58):
about falling or, you know, things like that when you're in another country. And while I'm still
healthy. Okay. My parents really started traveling probably when they were in their 70s and they're
gone like four or five months of the year. That's great. They travel old and they're 82, I think
right now. Oh, see, that's, yeah, that's, that's fantastic. That's fantastic. Yeah, I would have to

(06:19):
travel more too. All right. Well, happy New Year everyone. New Year. I thought we would start it
off with a Gape. You know, talked about that a couple times. Yeah. You know, I almost went this
morning. Okay. You almost went. Yeah. I did, but I didn't go because, well, basketball, we had
basketball. I almost had a hookup. No, I'm joking. You almost, you're talking, what are we talking about?

(06:41):
Well, I thought it's a non-denominational church. Yeah. And they're all live. They're students.
We have listeners that write in that are struggling with their churches. They're struggling with being
accepted in church. Yeah. It's a non-denominational church. It could be anywhere in the world.
Yeah. You could, on Sunday morning, they live stream. Yeah. You could go to their website,

(07:01):
which is agapelive, I think, dot com. But anyways, I thought we would mention that for anybody who's
looking to have some church in their life, to have some spirituality in their life, and they don't
feel like they're being accepted by their own church or religion. You know, that, and the agape,
which I think I've been there three times now, and what I love about it is that, you know, we're God.

(07:25):
Yeah. You're a God. You're God. There is a God, they believe, but there's part of, but you're,
you know, within you. You are one with God. And that's part of it. Works three when as you.
Yes. And, you know, we do godly things. Yes. You know, we help people. We want to help people.

(07:46):
Yes. So, however, we don't murder people. I had an idea for a movie that, you know, the biggest,
well, do you know who the biggest mass murderer? I do, actually. There was a Netflix about that person.

(08:11):
Dresch, I can't remember who he is, but yes. You know. They found him when he was an older gentleman,
and they think that he had like killed like three or 500 people or something like that.
Wow. Right? I know. I'll look it up. Mine's bigger. Oh yeah. Who is this? Jesus. Oh Jesus.

(08:32):
Come on. All right. I mean, if, if, think about it.
I don't, I don't know how to, how to respond. I don't know how to answer. It's a crazy pitch,
but you know, it's God's will. God's will. Interesting, right? All right. No, it's crazy.
I don't know how I'd ever expect my head around that, but okay, I'll give you that. I know,

(08:55):
I know I'm going to get letters from mass. Please write in. Please write in. I, I, yes.
We were pitching this movie. We were pitching a movie about how it happens because you hear
so much, and I don't want to get on big religious kick here, but right now, but I thought it was
just, you know, interesting that one could say, well, well, if, if it's God's will, is it, is

(09:18):
then the question is, is it God's killing the people, but he's bringing people in and out,
bringing people into the world and taking them out. However, yeah. Well, your spirit,
in my opinion, never dies. So your body may cease to exist on this planet, but your spirit
doesn't die. Do you think it goes into something else? Yeah, oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I, you

(09:46):
know, are you going to come back on to earth, or are you going to go to another realm of a different
galaxy? I have no idea, but your spirit, I think your spirit was on forever. Yeah. Yeah, it's
interesting. It really is. That was the boy, this is off topic, but you know, when you're younger
and you're like, Oh my God, when I die, I'm going to be dead forever. And it's scary. And it's

(10:09):
be so scared as a kid, like, Oh my God, I'm going to die and I'm going to be dead forever.
And then once I thought, Oh, wow, well, if I'm a spirit, if this body, this timeline,
earth is going to end, but I'm never going to die, I'm going to live on forever. My spirit.
That's cool. Yeah, that's how I see that. So we went way off the road. Yeah, we did.

(10:32):
Well, you know, it's the holiday time and I saw a post where someone said,
and this hit me because this is me to a T surrounded by memories and all the things they
have lost during their coming out. Oh, wow. The journey feels incredibly difficult. That's my

(10:55):
existence. Wait, say that again. All right. Surrounded by memories and all of the things I lost
coming out. The journey feels incredibly difficult. So it's like an incomplete sentence. I'm not
getting the first part surrounded by memories. What are you? Yes, surrounded by memories and
things I have lost. I mean, now I say, okay, you know, I look around and you know, I'm, I'm,

(11:17):
I'm constantly reminded of what I'm, what I've lost. And I don't mean like, you know,
monetarily, I mean, you know, I lost living in my family home. I lost waking up to my children
every day. I lost, you know, this, you lost the traditional, I lost so many things. Family unit.

(11:38):
Yeah. And I'm, and you know, I, I, there's triggers for me all the time of, oh my God,
you know, of just what I've lost in this process. I get it. You know, Jill texted me and said,
look, my mom's coming in. Can I have the boys? I've been till, you know, from, because I have
them after Christmas and taking them to Texas. And so that is a loss. It's a loss of waking up

(12:06):
Christmas morning and having the boys where they're there. And I still, I still go over there on
Christmas day. They don't open gifts until I get there. But, but, and if you are somebody that has
not come out or thinking of coming out and you are married and that is one thing that is, you know,

(12:26):
driving you crazy of like, you're going to lose that. You're not going to lose it. It's going to
change and it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay because I, I thought of that like, oh my God,
I, I'm not going to see my kids every morning. Yes. You know, I won't, I won't see that, but
it is something you will adapt to. You'll get over it and you'll work it out. I hate it. It's been

(12:51):
five years. I freaking hate it. I do. And I don't invite my ex to my house. She doesn't invite me
to her house. We see each other. You know, I have my family. I've shared this before. My ex has been
a part of my family since she was a teenager. So if he wouldn't anybody else? No. No. So she

(13:11):
and I get together at my sister's house, my niece's house, my parents house. I see her frequently,
but we don't see each other at our own homes. Okay. And I don't know how long that's going to
last with us because she doesn't have a significant other. Well, let's just say she sold her house
that you and she shared together and she moved into somewhere else. How welcomed would you feel

(13:40):
in that new space versus the home that you and she shared together? You may not feel that welcomed
or you may not be welcomed in a different space. Right. That could possibly happen. Sure. I don't
know. And I don't want to put that out there. Well, you already did. But you just did. I just.

(14:02):
But no, and that is the anxiety that I think a lot of listeners are going through because if they
haven't come out yet and what is it going to look like? What are the holidays in there? What are the
birthday parties are going to be like? What are the funerals going to be like? It's going to be okay.
It's going to be fine. However, I think some like the two guys that I met.

(14:27):
What's your Christmas party? Christmas party. They're friends with their wives and one woman
walked the husbands down the aisle during the marriage. I'm not going to get that. I know I
will get that. However, it's it will gel. It will. It will happen. It'll happen. But I know this is a

(14:50):
very, very, very stressful time because it's the holidays and you're like, oh my God, I'm gay.
How do I tell her? My kids, oh my God, it will work itself out. It will. Absolutely.
It definitely will. Absolutely. Because I could imagine right now people listening that have not

(15:14):
done it and it's the season right now and it can be depressing. But it'll work out.
Well, and you could still be married and closeted and it could feel like a depressing,
lonely time for you right now even with your wife and kids because you're not being authentic

(15:34):
true self. No, it's true. What was I saying? It's hard to be. It's tough to be alone and lonely
then being together and lonely. Yes. I think that's the thing. I know that.
But I thought you were going to say the darker the berry, the sweeter the next day.

(16:01):
I just heard that. Somebody just told me that the other day. I've never heard that.
Hey, listen, if you're on YouTube watching this, take a look at Brian's lips. He put on some, I
mean, he put on some co-listening. Is it listening? Well, it was. I don't know if we're not off.
Listen, my lips, I said this, my lips were so chapped the other day because it's been cold.

(16:24):
Yeah. That I smiled and my lip was cracked and it was bleeding. And I said, oh, he got a grease
it up. What else did you say? I said, what did I say? I said something like a butthole would
shrivel up. I could solve these lips. Come here.

(16:49):
It would tear them up. It would tear them up. They're like shards of.
Anyways, yes. Moving on. This is what I want to talk about. What?
Karma. Okay. I am a married man magnet. I have no idea why. I don't get hot single men

(17:17):
hitting on me. You get married married men hitting on give us. I want to hear an example.
Well, the one with the one home. That guy, he's hitting on me. I have a guy at the gym
that's hitting on me that's married and then I have a friend of a friend. Okay.

(17:38):
That's hitting on me. They're all married. What does that look like? I want to know what hitting
on looks like. Well, it's different. Well, you know what? It's a little, well, when it comes from
somebody that I'm not expecting it from and when it's not solicited, it feels a little creepy is

(17:59):
how it feels to me. Okay. First of all, just because I'm gay doesn't mean that if you're a
breathing man, that I'm your person, that I'm your hookup or whatever. But you know, I had a
couple of experiences coming out where I met people on that site called double list that I

(18:23):
told you about was the old Craigslist. This goes back, you know, 2020, 2021, whatever. And I have
a couple of experiences with married men. It's short. It's a very short experience because
short experience. Well, you know, you get an hour. Huh? You get an hour. They have their time needs
to be accountable for and you know, they can't disappear for three, four, five, so they can't

(18:47):
go. They were hookups. They were just done. Okay. And so there was just like, you know, there was
like a short fuse. Yeah. It was just like, get off. Yeah. And then I thought, God, you know,
that feels terrible for me, but I'm also cheating on their spouse. That's not my responsibility.
That's not it. That doesn't a reflection of me. Yeah. But karma. Is there bad karma with

(19:17):
fooling around with a married man? Do you believe in karma? I do believe in karma too. Let me share.
I'll share with you what had happened when my wife at the time found out and was looking through
emails and she was just devastated. She was devastated. But devastated by you, not by the

(19:43):
people that you did. Yeah. But then she, some of them knew I was married. She called them. Oh,
see, fucking fousa. I don't want a phone call. Yeah. She found them. She found them. She called
and she's just like, I've supported the, you know, gay rights for so long, but how could she

(20:04):
fuck around with a married man? With a husband? How could she fuck around? Yeah. I mean, she,
she, and so the hurt that I saw in her, it, it, it has changed. And it changed me for sure,
because there's a lot of guys that hit on me a lot, a lot of guys, very pretty guys. Yeah.

(20:32):
They, and they're married. I'm like, no, dude, I go, you know, and I just share my story. I've had,
you know what? I was in the closet and I hooked up and I saw the devastation that it did. And I
just don't want to add to another woman's pain. So, you know, all right. So that's me. Okay.

(20:53):
This falls in line with what you said about Dr. Michael Psequitz. I'm sorry. Okay. Now, because
here I was, you know, not back in the day. Yeah. Yes. But you had said that during his sermon,
it was changing your DNA. So, yeah, this incident, yeah, changed your DNA and how you
view approach and interact with that type of situation. Yeah. So you would not get together

(21:23):
with a married man? No. If you knew that if you know, okay, I, you know, I just don't, I, I think
that you could obviously have fun with a married man. You could have fun with any man. But I think
for me, it's a hard no. I, I think there's a difference between finding a man attractive
and being attracted. I could find a married man attractive. Yeah. I'm not attracted to married

(21:50):
men. Right. Right. Does that make sense to you? Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. All right. But it's your jam
though. There's always a person showers the wet. I haven't, okay, I haven't seen anybody. I haven't
seen anything. And I told you in the showers, I've seen anything in the song. I haven't seen any of
that. But I know this gentleman is married. I know that for it. Well, he's wearing a wedding ring

(22:13):
for one thing. Well, but that would be to a man. But no, he's not married to a man. But you talked
to him about that? Oh, he and I, he and I have talked, this is relatively new, but I have talked
to him. I said, Oh, no. What does he want to do? What does he want to explore? Has he been
hooking up with me? What's his story? I have not even asked. I haven't even gotten that far. But
he's made a couple of very sexual comments to me. Listeners, they want to know. They want to hear

(22:41):
it. What? What? Because we'll talk about Dick and whatever. I mean, it's obvious. Oh, yeah,
it's obvious. It's obvious. Now I'm interested. What? What? Well, the one guy said he wanted to
give me something, but it wasn't he had a cold. He wanted to give me something, but it wasn't as cold.
And then one of the guy, well, I have to go back and look. It was via text, but

(23:02):
something like he wanted me to sit on his dick or whatever. I mean, it was very no sit on his dick.
It was very he was mixed nothing in his text message. He was just very well, I mean,
right up with what he's doing for. But he's married. I know that's just goes again. So
to go again. Yeah, just like you said, you want a monogamous relation. That's what you do. So

(23:26):
I could see where you want and not going to mess around with a guy that is married because you
don't want that happening. I don't. I, you know, but at the same time, John, I'm not allowing myself
to have fun sexually. I think I think I've created too many barriers or, you know, I've

(23:52):
whatever, whatever you call it, you know, I don't do this. I won't do that. I've developed all
this shit. So I'm not having any fun sexually. Well, you need to. I would like to. You need to.
But I would like to with a single person that I'm attracted to that don't, you know,
doesn't creep me out. Right. Right. That isn't, you know, on Grindr. I don't know. I just the,

(24:20):
the times I've been on Grindr and I've had hookups, they've just felt so empty.
Well, what's the past and it lacks the. It's the getting off. It's the transactional
feeling. It's just getting up. Look, but once it's over, you don't want to have anything to do
with it. No, no, don't. Not Nick or anything, but, you know, it's just clear, you know,

(24:44):
if you want to hook up, that's great, but I just need you to bounce after, you know. So I don't
want to. I feel terrible. What? I feel terrible. Well, listen, it's, it's like, do you masturbate?
I do. Okay. Not expressively, but you masturbate, right? I do. Well, you know, I do more because
you're supposed to, to be, um, it's healthy for you to masturbate. Right. I, I feel that,

(25:14):
not all gay men, but, you know, for me, why jacked off when I can have someone come in
the wrong? Why, why, why did you jack off? I'm going to jack off. It's just right. It's just
right. Attached away, you know, no, we said, but you're right. Your right hand's looking a little

(25:38):
weak there, John. Right. I mean, think about that, you know, in this, but there's no reciprocation
or is that, it's not mutual. Okay. Or it's mutual, but there's some that just, you know, that's it.
They just want to come for me to leave. Wow. That's it. I haven't, that's not where I'm at with,

(25:58):
um, I don't know. I've wanted connection with somebody. I want to have conversation. I'd like
to go to dinner where it's like, yeah. Well, yeah. Connection. Absolutely. And there's, and that was
what we were talking about in the last episode that I really enjoyed this, this gentleman at this

(26:19):
party and I enjoyed talking with him and, you know, I may reach out and see if they want to
have a great coffee or something. Before you grab something else. Right. All right. Well,
next on our list, I thought I would bring up these two topics again. Okay. One of them is how
husbands out to wives. Oh, yeah. We have heard of listeners had written in, given us this information

(26:45):
if you are looking to come out of your bisexual, pansexual, there's a whole bunch of stuff you
can go on their website. HOW-support.org is a support group for married closeted by men. So
I thought I would say that. And also we are doing a charity episode. We're looking for a charity

(27:10):
to spotlight for an upcoming podcast in March. All right. I have some. I might have some. Okay.
Well, there you go. This is what I would like to share with you, John. This book. Yes. We talk about
the book. Well, you already have shared it with me. I love that book. Project 369. Yeah. There are

(27:31):
three books in a workbook. I have had this book for a couple of years. It's amazing. I bought the
other three books. I'm currently reading The Key to Happiness. Okay. This book is all about
prosperity and perspectiveness. If you know somebody that's struggling, I think this is a great book.

(27:55):
One, two, three, all of them to give to somebody as a gift. They're not that expensive. If you're
struggling, if you're looking to level yourself up, if you're looking to get a new mindset for
business, I mean, these books work in mysterious ways. They've worked amazingly for me. But I was

(28:17):
reading this new book, The Key to Happiness, and it talked about perspective. And you shared something
with me off camera. Don't worry. You shared something with me off camera probably a couple
months ago, and we were talking and you were like, I love my place. I love where I live.

(28:40):
And you gave me this whole thing about just how much you enjoy your private space and home.
Yeah. And I have a great place. Yeah. I have three bedroom townhouses. I always have a bedroom.
I have a yard, a little area for my dog, whatever like that. It's in a great community in Santa
Rita. It is a great place. And I have no appreciation for it. And if you were to have said to me

(29:11):
in the conversation that we had had a couple months ago, and you like gave me this
glowingness about your space, had you asked me that instead, I would have been like that character.
I would have been all over it. I would have been like that character from SNL. What's her name?
No. It belongs to Debbie Downer. Debbie Downer. Rachel Trench. Where are you now, honey?

(29:39):
I painted my home in a negative light because I hate being there alone.
And I do, I... Let me ask you this. I know where you're going. I'm glad you're doing this.

(30:00):
Would you rather be alone in a tent, outside of the street, underneath a fucking freeway?
Yes. Or would you rather be alone in what you have in a beautiful three-bedroom townhouse?
Where would you rather be? I know. I would love to be in my home.
And you know, don't invite people over because I feel like you invite people over to your home

(30:24):
to celebrate. You invite people over to your home to be social, you know, for all these things.
And I don't do any of that because for the long, for five freaking years, I have been licking my
wounds because it's not my house. It's not this. It's not that. I've looked for any and every reason

(30:48):
to not like my surroundings rather than liking them. And you said that to me and I was like,
oh my God, Brian, why are you not celebrating your own space? So many of our listeners say
they have to stay with their wives or they can't afford to move out or they, you know,
they're struggling, financing, you have all this stuff going on. And I'm over here pissing

(31:12):
on my own party. Yeah. No, I'm so... Well, thank you for saying that because... And I have to say
this book, you suggested this book to me about a year ago when I was in a dark space. And this
was before our podcast because again, just listeners, you don't know the backstory here.

(31:34):
We created the Gay Fathers of LA. We're members of Gay Fathers of LA. Now it's the Gay Fathers of
Southern California. It's moved to, it's expanded to Palm Springs and San Diego, which is a great
thing. And that's how we met. And again, the way this show came about was we were in Silver Lake

(31:55):
at a Mexican restaurant. I was just talking and having such a great time. And we were just, you
know, chatting it up. And then I said, hey, this needs to be a podcast. And then this guy,
three weeks later, comes, he says, she's called me. Hey, I got to talk to you. So he comes over
and he says, let's do it. Let's do it. Will you do it? And I'm like... I think print it out.

(32:20):
And we get it. But I have to say, I'm serious. And I'm glad you brought this book up because
Brian, I was at a dark, dark place. And you may not have known it because I'm very good at acting.
Yes. Very good at putting on the... That was my mom. We always put on a facade. And, you know,

(32:41):
and, boy, I've never been depressed. And I know we were coming off COVID. I've never been depressed.
And I was really, really depressed. And you suggested this book because I know you were in
a dark space at the time. When I met with you, I had just come out of my dark space because that
was back in 2023. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is what I'm loving about even coming out to myself

(33:10):
is just being truthful and not worrying about what people think of me. And I think men for so long,
straight men, gay men, it's always been ingrained in us to be macho, to be tough, to hold it in,
to do that. Yes. And that's where a lot of them blow their heads off. Yes. And I don't mean to say that

(33:34):
as a joke, but so many people commit suicide. Yes. And it's like, because I think, you know,
for me, I've been able to touch of who I really am and how I love giving back. I love helping people.
However, I'm human. And I was so depressed. In this book, I read it the other day because I would do

(33:59):
my affirmations. I'll write down it and I'll write them down and then I'll do them. And then, you know,
you feel the feeling and all that. But then I'm like, okay, I haven't read it in a while. And I picked
it back up and I looked because I great, great notes when I do. Yes. And man, it just taught me,
honestly, it took me to another level. And talk about prosperity. This has been a very tough year

(34:23):
for me. Yes, me too. My visualization and everything. And since I've been doing this, and I started
back really November, October, November, really back part of it, I, in terms of prosperity,
I have four amazing deals that are about to happen. Yes. And I truly believe in that. I've

(34:45):
thought, become things. What you are thinking, you are manifesting into reality. If you're thinking
negative thoughts, you're going to get negative. You're going to get negative. You're thinking
positive thoughts, you're going to get positivity in return. Which I was supposed to do some homework.
And of course, just like in high school, I didn't do it. Oh, yeah. Oh, the thoughts. Yes. The thoughts.

(35:05):
The thoughts, because I just threw out, I threw out where my coach said there's 65,000 negative,
or 65,000 thoughts you have in a day. And then most of them, 95 or 99, or negative thoughts. But you
looked it up into a 6,000, right? What I saw, and it could be, I mean, I think that there's going to

(35:27):
be different numbers wherever you look. Well, if you don't think, right? 6,000 thoughts, yeah.
Exactly. If you sleep a lot, yeah. If you sleep a lot, 6,000 thoughts a day. But that's subconscious
thoughts too, though. See, that's subconscious. Yeah. Well, you know, you're subconscious that talks
about in this book also, right? Right. Absolutely. No, I, and thank you. I want to thank you here

(35:48):
for that, because they're not paying us or anything. Although, our real estate pays us. So,
yes, it's a quick sponsor from Hancock Homes Realty. But your, your cock is in good hands at Hancock
Homes here in Los Angeles. If you're looking to buy, sell, or invest in real estate, give us a call.
We will take care of any of your friends that are looking to buy or sell in the LA area. 100.

(36:12):
And outside in the area, we're great for referrals. Exactly. I just closed a big deal in Los Vegas.
I know. You told me. Did I tell you that? We got a couple weeks ago. And now,
I've got you going in Texas too. So, I think I'm going to get my real estate license in Texas.
Oh, in Texas? Yeah. Okay. Because I've got a lot of stuff starting up there. And I think I'm going

(36:33):
to, because I'm from there. Yeah. That's my mom. My mama lives there. I can't wait to go see her.
She's going to make me sand tarts and chocolate chip cookies and all that good stuff.
Sand tarts. You ever had a sand tart? No, I don't know what that is. Sand tarts is like a,
oh gosh, what is it? It's rubbing your face in the dirt. No, no, no, no. It's like a,

(36:57):
those butter cookie. You know, the butter cookies. But then there's,
she makes it with pecans in it and then she puts confectioned sugar on it. And you eat it like that.
It's really good. I'm burping at greasy chip.

(37:17):
John and I both shared that we kind of went on little greasy,
greasy, sweet chip. The last couple days. Oh my God. Yeah. I was at Vaughan's by four and
save and bought four bags of chips and yeah. I know I just ran off the rails here, but we're okay.
I saw a video, I don't know if it was on Facebook. I don't know if it was on YouTube. I don't know if

(37:41):
it was on TikTok. I don't know where the hell it was because I can't find it. You shared the funniest
story and I did a TikTok about it a couple months ago. There's this guy with a lisp. He's very gay.
Okay. I believe he's in Texas and he is talking and he spoke John's truth. He said,

(38:03):
my mama taught me how to love and my daddy taught me how to fight. You come for me.
Oh. And whatever he said. He's this gay man and he said he's gonna throw down, he's gonna knock
your lights out. His mama taught him how to love, but it's daddy taught him how to fight.

(38:27):
So if you are gonna come at him with him being gay, that was funny. But I want to go back to what
you were saying because I think this is important for people to understand. You have people that
are closeted gay and they're growing up in a macho environment or they're in the military and they're

(38:47):
gay or whatever. So suppressed. When you come out as gay, you don't turn into a flamer. You don't
start a lisp. You're the same person you were before you came out. Your demeanor, your personality,

(39:12):
you don't have to go from a macho butch guy to some twink on the corner. You don't have to start
talking with a lisp. You don't have to dangle your wrist. You could still be a macho gay man.
Of course. Right? Yeah. So just because you come out as gay doesn't mean that all of a sudden you're

(39:35):
a sissy boy or whatever they call it. I know you're a sissy boy. Call it. I like sissy boy.
Welcome to the Sissy Boy podcast. Mr. T. Hey. What are we having in those tight jeans?
You know, yeah. Right? Sure. You're not giving away who you are as a person just because you came

(39:59):
out as gay. So you could be some macho dude. Which there's a come out as gay and still be a macho
dude. You know, the rugby players. Right? Oh. Who knew? I mean, I'm getting, you know,
the relationship is on these guys. Listen, I, you know, I'm not, I'm not, I don't promote this on my

(40:19):
personal Facebook page, but I'm getting all of these feeds. Like, well, I'm getting these.
Yeah. Well, I joined gay fathers worldwide gay fathers. And then I joined the gay cowboys.
I need to join that one. Gay cowboys is a fake farmer. Cowboys. You know, that's a great
one. And so now I get feeds coming up, you know, but I never are I'm getting promotions or somebody

(40:46):
wants me to join like the sports, the gay sports guys or, but now all these like rugby clips are
coming up with guys running and pulling their pants. And you can see their big old pooper.
Yes. Yeah. Yes. They'll be legs. Who I mean, these guys are six foot five and 260 pounds.

(41:12):
And they're like they're a brand. Yeah. I mean, it's incredible. It's incredible. If you're not
watching rugby, you're missing out. Yeah. It's, wow. It's, and you know, they're not limp-risted.
No. And there's a couple of them that, and you know, it's fine if you are limp. I mean, love is love.

(41:33):
Love is love. Love is love. Yeah. Well, John has a limp wrist because he just calls some other guy
to come over and get them off when he needs to check off. So I don't have a strong grip. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. That's so fun. All right. We're at 40 minutes. This is New Year's Eve. Already?
Is it? Are we at 40 minutes? Are we at 40 minutes? Wow. We are. All right. Yes, we are. Well, happy

(41:55):
New Year, everyone. Yes. The end of season one. We should have some champagne to toast this out.
Don't leave it over. That's all right. All right, everybody. Take care and happy New Year. See you next year. Bye.
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