March 3, 2025 • 27 mins
In this episode I talk about my son's recent autism diagnosis, how that has affected me and made me think about my own neurodivergence; also how this contributes to my sense of overwhelm especially as a mum. And how that all weaves into my efforts to be a 'good' Yoga Householder!
I really hope you enjoy, relate - or that it provokes some food for thought?! Please leave me a review as it makes a big difference! Thanks so much.
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Hey! I'm Rachel! I am a qualified Holistic Life Coach and Mind Body Practitioner, Embodiment Coach, Yoga 500hrs (plus lots more extra yoga quals). I'm also an award winning content creator and have 20 years' experience in digital. I'm a mum of 3 kids and I live in the Peak District - oh and I have ADHD and I am sober. My passion is helping midlife women turn meltdown into magic!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rachel Brady's video (00:01):
Conscious but Grounded is a podcast about
spirituality, high vibe livingin the real world.
I ask questions like, how do weconnect to the magic?
The spirit, the source, theuniverse, but with our feet
firmly planted on the ground.
How do we show up in a consciousway and harness that to make
big, paradigm busting change inthe day to day of our lives?
(00:23):
I'm Rachel Brady, mum of three,yoga teacher and embodiment
coach.
This is the place where I'll bereflecting and exploring big,
deep questions, all with a pinchof self deprecation, a few
proper lols, and a lot of reallife.
Join me.
Hi guys, welcome back toConscious But Grounded.
I had a little break, where Ididn't upload for a while
(00:46):
because I just did such a lot tobegin with.
I kind of just had this burst ofcreativity, energy, thoughts,
and also I really wanted toshape what this was gonna be.
and also working with my cycles,and funnily enough, I'm at the
same stage in my cycle now,where I feel like I want to
share and I want to put my ideasout there in this format.
(01:12):
So it's really interesting justobserving how, which content and
which media type, and what typeof work I'm leaning towards,
depending on where I'm at mycycle.
So I just, I'm coming to the endof my period.
I'm not even going to say TMIbecause to me TMI is kind of
almost like a, an oxymoron ifthat's the right, like it just
(01:35):
doesn't exist basically for me.
There's never TMI for me, butalso that's kind of working with
your cycles is very much, that'sthe vibe of the thing.
Type of thing I want to talkabout on this podcast.
And so it's thought of inAyurveda and also kind of even
more modern kind of approachesto cycle monitoring and things
(01:59):
that actually, when you bleed,that's a really.
going inward it can be a reallycreative time and particularly
excuse me after when you'reapproaching your ovulation i
have a short cycle of about 21to 24 days so after i bleed i
almost immediately go into thatsocializing pre ovulation and
(02:23):
ovulation date.
Whereas a lot of other peoplewill have more of a lull before
they get to that point.
I feel quite grounded andactually what I wanted to talk
about today.
And as ever, I am processing asI speak, but what I wanted to
talk about today was.
Unmasking, overwhelm and howthose things relate to a
(02:48):
spiritual practice and being ayoga householder.
So let's wheel back a littlebit.
I just spent the week in Spainwith my little one, my six year
old, my baby.
And just before we left, he wasdiagnosed with autism and it was
a bit of a, yep, we already knowmoment.
Same as it was when I gotdiagnosed with ADHD about five
(03:09):
years ago.
I was like, Yeah, she said Iwas.
Yeah, I already knew.
However, that initial kind ofshrugging reaction, you almost
forget about it, like literallyten minutes after, you're like,
right, what was I doing?
And then, the weeks coming afterit starts to settle and
integrate, and you start to seethe world through a new lens.
(03:31):
could you feel a bit of emotionrising up in my throat there?
Because, you start to feel, andI've heard this from other late
diagnosed or autistic and ADHDwomen in particular, and men.
You start to look back and go,fuck, this has been hard, this
has been a real struggle.
(03:51):
I kept getting into trouble andI was being characterised as a
certain person when really.
I'm not neurotypical and thismakes so much sense and there's
a grieving process and whathappened is it sounds a bit
enmeshed but because and thishappens again so much with
mothers your kid gets diagnosedand then you start to go oh
(04:15):
Fuck.
Oh yeah, I am too because it'sgenetic.
It happens in families and notevery parent of every autistic
child will be autistic or ADHD,but there will be a familial
pattern going back and you'll beable to as you learn more about
it, go, Oh, when you look atlike one of your parents, it's
(04:38):
quite fun.
It's like everybody who getsdiagnosed.
automatically is now qualifiedto spot everybody else who isn't
or a divergent.
I'm joking by the way, butThat's what happens.
So what has this got to do withspirituality?
So So, this week away, I've,I've cried quite a lot, and I've
(04:59):
also completely given over to atype of unmasking, and it looks
very different on holiday to howit looks now.
So on holiday, it manifested injust literally eating what I
want, when I want.
I didn't fast, I drank too muchcoffee, I was almost, I was
(05:20):
ravenous, ravenous.
I did do yoga and stuff, butonly when I felt called to.
I stayed up till midnightlooking on my screen.
I woke up at quarter to eleven.
That is unheard of.
I get up really early and go tobed really early.
I kind of removed all of thestructure out of my life and
(05:40):
just let it flow.
And I also gave into a lot.
I did, I did ultra low demandparenting.
If Stanley wanted to buysomething on Minecraft, I bought
it for him.
If he wanted to eat pesto, Imade it for him.
Every single day.
If he wanted chocolate, I gavehim chocolate.
And so, I just was like, Let thewheels fall off this week.
(06:01):
And actually by doing so, it wasamazing.
We had hardly any runs.
I'm not saying we can live ourlife like this.
We can't.
That's what happened on holiday.
I started, I was reading, do youknow what?
I found a book and I came acrossan author called Devon Price.
And they wrote a book calledUnmasking.
Autism.
(06:22):
And I thought, when I get back,I'm going to order that.
Anyway, I did a deep dive, madesome new connections on social
media with newly diagnosedautistic people.
I wrote a post on my sub stack.
I'll link to it below called, Ithink I'm autistic.
So the long and short of it is Istarted to realize that I
matched a lot of, and I didn't,this didn't just happen.
(06:43):
If you look on my Kindle, I, forthe last four years, I've been
reading books on autism, Likeloads, and ADHD and AUDHD, which
is when ADHD and Autism are,comorbid, they coexist.
I think like two thirds ofpeople with Autism or something
have ADHD too, or it might bethe other way around, forgive me
(07:05):
there for that incorrect.
statistic, but something likethat is high, high rate.
And I said something to my momthe other day, which I feel like
really God.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's true.
I just said, and I hadn't readit anywhere.
And I just said ADHD and autismare two sides of the same coin.
And that's where I feel rightnow.
I don't know if I would qualifyfor an autism diagnosis.
(07:28):
Indeed, I have actually done apre diagnosis before and been on
the absolute cusp point.
And the psychologist who did itsaid to me, you do actually
really fit very high on theADHD.
And I was like, I know, I'vebeen diagnosed with ADHD.
And he was like, I'm not sureyou are.
Enough in these symptoms toqualify for an autism diagnosis
(07:50):
and I was like, that's awesome.
Fine.
And that's kind of where I amtoday.
I was looking into, should I goand get a diagnosis?
And I'm also acutely aware andvery well read on the
limitations of the diagnostictools that we have currently.
They were written a long timeago.
They're based around men andboys.
I'm 45 and I'm damn good atmasking and I'm damn good at
(08:13):
acting in a certain way, knowinghow to act.
Because I've learnt it.
and I know who I am and I nowjust feel really comfortable
describing myself asneurodivergent.
So, if anyone asks more it'slike ADHD and probably autistic.
I don't feel like right at thismoment in time I want to pursue
a diagnosis anymore.
(08:35):
I am currently wrestling withwhether that's my internalised
ableism.
because ADHD is like a,honestly, this is, this is, ADHD
seems to me like a more popularsexy diagnosis.
Like people don't want to bediagnosed with autism because
the perce the perception ofautism is monotone, uncreative,
(08:55):
dis you know, unpassionate.
The autistic people I know arekooky and quirky and funny and
bonkers and really creative andthey dance and they laugh and
they're just like, fun.
Like a lot of people who aren'talso can be autistic and that
presents for them differently.
(09:17):
But I think what happens ispeople don't want to be
diagnosed and so they alsowrestle with that.
But where are people kind of, ormore keen to be diagnosed with
ADHD because it's perceived aslike fun, creative and talkative
and so on.
The two can coexist and you canhave moments where you are
monotone and literal in yourhumour and all those different
(09:37):
things too.
So, where does this all link tospirituality?
So I'm in a process ofunmasking.
I see this book and I go, I'mgoing to buy that one Get home,
get on my Kindle, go to buy thebook.
Guess what?
I've already got it and I'veread half of it about a year
ago, so I continue reading it.
It's called Unmasking Autism byDevon Price and I highly
(10:00):
recommend it.
And what is becoming clear to menow is that, I've been unmasking
for the past five years.
I've been putting up boundaries.
I've been losing relationships.
I've been chasing authenticityby quitting alcohol and
embracing solitude and cancelingthings when I need to cancel.
(10:22):
And.
saying no to things that drainme.
And just leaning more and moreand more and getting passionate
about my hyper focus, which isyoga and spirituality.
But I'm still having penny, bigpenny drop moments every single
day.
Oh my god, like.
(10:44):
I had one just before I cameout, and now I've forgotten it,
but I'll try and remember it.
Oh yeah, that was it.
I reached for my cap to put on.
I'm just on a dog walk now, avery slow dog walk.
I put my cap on, and I said tomyself, I realise now why I wore
a cap for years as a teenager,and at uni.
Because I love wearing a cap,because today, believe it or
(11:04):
not, I actually feel quitedelicate.
I just cancelled a plan withsomeone.
I feel really overwhelmed, whichis what I'm about to talk about.
And so, I put on my cap, becauseif I see anyone, it's a little
bit of armour between me andthem.
And I also feel the same aboutmy glasses.
So if I've been crying, or Ijust feel like I don't feel like
(11:27):
I want to see anyone.
And I think people do this,don't they?
People with sunglasses, don'tthey?
To shut, to like, shut the worldout a bit.
and if you feel anxious, I knowmy husband, if he's got a
hangover or anything like that,he puts his sunglasses on.
Not because he's got a headache,but because he just like, feels
anxious and wants to hide.
so I know, look, like all ofthese things neurodiversity,
everyone can go, well, I'msorry, I'm not neurodiverse, but
(11:48):
I do those things too.
Okay?
You know, they can.
and they do.
and so what I want to say is twothings, you know, neurodiverse,
neurotypical, we all do thesethings, but with neurodiversity,
the difference is these thingsare very, very strong in your
life and you do them all thetime.
(12:08):
And it's a constant and theconstant tax on your nervous
system, actually the financialtax as well, having ADHD or
autism or things like that.
I have so many parking fines.
Speeding tickets, you know, latefines.
When I was a teenager in mytwenties, the vast majority of
my money went on overdraft fees.
And I'm not even joking, I had avery bad problem with money.
(12:33):
You know, it's just, that is areal thing.
Look up the ADHD tax.
So, where am I going with this?
So all of these things, so Istart reading this book and I
realize, oh the cap thing, ohthe glasses thing, and it's this
constant now, penny dropping,penny dropping.
So I feel like I was diagnosedwith ADHD, that's taken a few
(12:53):
years to process, that led to alevel of unmasking and deep
diving into my true self that Ididn't really know I was, it was
unmasking.
I thought I was just like, andthere is still some of this,
like look, I'm in my 40s now,I'm gonna do more what the fuck
I want.
And I also think the metaphorsand the perimenophores, I think
I'm in perimenopause.
I'm 45.
(13:13):
I don't show it in my resultsbloods, but I do show it in my
symptoms.
And so the menopause expertsaid, you are okay to have HRT,
which I take.
So it's like the menopause andthe perimenopause are a window.
There are like a wormhole if youlike or something like that.
You have a choice to stepthrough it and we're more
conscious now that we have thesewindows of opportunity to step
(13:36):
through and go, I'm going to bemore aligned.
I'm going to be more authentic.
I'm going to be more me.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
I'm not going to people please.
Again, these can all beneurotypical things, but in
neurodiversity it's like onsteroids.
And so I felt, I really do haveto stand up for myself a lot of
the time.
People will criticise me, theyalways mean well, like you need
(14:00):
to get out more, you need to domore, you need to socialise
more.
You need to do this, you need todo that.
And I'm like, do I?
I'm good.
Like, I'm actually good.
I know if I need to socializeand I need to meet someone for a
coffee and get out there in theworld, I really do know when I
need to.
I really am good at feeling thatinto myself and kind of going,
you know what?
(14:21):
Yeah, you have been on your owntoo much.
but It's, it's a spiritualopportunity, and it's like,
shedding all of these shoulds,unmasking, and even if you're
not neurodivergent, and the vastmajority of people listening to
this probably aren't, although Ithink people, some people will
be, because they're beingattracted to me and what I do,
(14:42):
because it resonates.
And I also think thatneurodivergent is way less rare
than what we think.
Okay?
Way less rare.
I don't know, 1 in 10?
1 in 5?
Something like that?
whereas I think we used to thinkof it as only one type of very
severe kind of, type ofneurodivergence that was very,
(15:02):
very obvious physically when youmet somebody or maybe there was
learning impairments as well.
And now there's this criticism.
Everyone seems neurodiversenowadays.
Oh, everyone's got ADHD.
Will there be some mistakes indiagnosis?
Does it matter?
No.
Why would you go out and seekout a diagnosis that isn't right
(15:23):
and just give yourself a labelthat actually isn't, it's not
like a seen often as a positivething.
And I honestly feel like givepeople a A chance to self
identify and to explore theirown identity in every capacity.
Let people fucking identify aswhatever they want.
(15:44):
It's not our place to tellpeople how they show up in the
world, it's up to them.
And that's your only role inlife.
That's what spirit wants, that'swhat the universe wants.
It's like, run with it, get asmuch life out of this life as
you can, identify, search andexplore, and be authentic to
(16:06):
you.
You know, there were autisticand ADHD people in the Bible,
like I pulled, I wrote asubstack the other day, I don't
think I finished it yet, Ipublished it.
some really interesting articlespointing out that a couple of
the disciples were probablyautistic and ADHD.
and, you know, there's, there'slines out of the Corinthians
that talk about diversity inbrains and things like that.
(16:29):
I'm, I'm, I'm, it's not, thatisn't verbatim, but there are.
There's, there's lines in therethat pertain to that.
You know, this isn't new.
Like, there's, we need diversityof brains.
We need diverse people to goforward in the world and create
our future in a way that wedon't even know how to yet.
(16:49):
We need that rich diversity ofthought.
You know, GCHQ are literallyhunting out diversity of thought
right now, and they are lookingfor people who are autistic and
ADHD to work for them.
Because they need a newperspective, a different
perspective.
what I was experiencing todaywas this scent, a really big
sense of overwhelm.
(17:09):
I look at my calendar and I seeon there.
I'm bearing in mind I've been upsince six, I've meditated, done
all the right things.
and it's, I'm teaching atmidday, then I have a session
after that, then I have ameeting.
And then I'm picking the kidsup.
there is an option to go to anafter school club that I take
one of the kids to.
(17:30):
I also have to cook a A meal Ican't cook in advance, I have to
cook it straight from the fish,so I'm going to cook it in the
pan.
You know, I'm out with the dogsnow, I'm trying to not ever skip
that because when I do, I feelterrible, they are naughty.
You know, I've got three kidsready for school this morning.
I've cleaned the house beforethe cleaner came.
(17:51):
Tell me I'm not alone in doingthis because I adore this
amazing girl that comes andhelps us once a week.
It doesn't always happen once aweek because sometimes I can't
do and she can't do, whatever.
And as much as I've been temptedto cancel recently because what
happens is I find it sooverwhelming.
I have to go through the house.
In every single room pick up allthe crap So that she can clean
(18:13):
it, right?
Anyway, I know from previousexperience that I have to keep
this on because it does help usIt does and when I go back and
she's Done the stuff thatactually would take me a long
time to do like hooveringthroughout the house, mopping
the kitchen, doing the bathroomsI'm really grateful.
Unlike cleaning down the tops.
I'm really really grateful andit feels really good So this
(18:34):
morning as well as getting thethree kids ready for school To
be fair one of them is very selfsufficient and she just sorts
herself out I'm like gettingthem, you know making them
breakfast, which is alwayssomething fresh, you know I'm
just like I'm just realizing Ihad a social arrangement,
basically, and I adore thisperson, and I just felt I was
(18:56):
already feeling massively,massively overwhelmed.
and so the thing is, since thisdiagnosis of Stanley's, it's
just given me an extra layer ofpermission as I read about
unmasking and what that actuallyreally means.
And sometimes it means lettingpeople down, and sometimes it
means choosing your regulationand your ability to cope with
(19:20):
the rest of the day.
over disappointing someone andthat's very fucking hard, and
it's really really hard and thatwhat that has to do with
spirituality is.
If I'm going to be a spiritualperson, which basically means a
good person that cares aboutother people, that doesn't fly
(19:43):
off the handle.
If I see that as my spiritualduty and I'm really not very
good at it.
So I need to work on this.
it's honestly up to me to stayregulated.
And I know if I do one morething today and I may even
cancel another thing.
I know I can't cope with a lotin a day.
(20:04):
I already fucking do a lot in aday.
Like, if I had no businesswhatsoever and no spiritual
practice or any of that Honestto God, my day would be totally
full.
I have three baskets of washingat home that I've just tipped
out onto the sofa that I need todo.
The other thing I realised whenI was in Spain is I am
completely overwhelmed and wehave way too much on.
(20:26):
Like, it was so nice in Spainnot to have any animals to look
after and I bloody love ouranimals.
I really, really do.
But they are a huge job inthemselves.
And like my dad often says tome, You've got enough on.
Like, why are you doing anymore?
(20:48):
and I really agree with that,but I also have a job and a
responsibility to myself tofulfil my dharma.
And this is my dharma, and Ican't, sometimes I find it hard
to label it and name it.
Expressing myself is my dharma.
Showing up for people, helpingother people, leading them down
(21:08):
a spiritual path through yogaand coaching and, you know, if I
ever get around to restarting myReiki, that too, you know, it's
still taking shape at what my,you know, what my life purpose
is at the minute.
and I'm really enjoying it andit's helping everything else.
It's becoming a foundation toeverything else.
(21:29):
So I could have met the personthis morning, but I know myself,
and even though I would haveenjoyed it in the moment, and
really loved the other person,socialising drains me, so if I'd
have had nothing on for the restof the day, I would have
absolutely, 100 percent donethat.
I know I'm teaching later,online, I have a meeting later,
(21:53):
that I may even postpone.
and I just can't do it all.
You know, even recording thisnow, I love to process and I
process out loud.
this is one of the ways Iprocess, the other way is in
writing.
And if I do all those things, Iwill be an asshole later with my
(22:13):
kids and I will be snappy anddrained.
I need more regulation than mostpeople, then not, not most
people, but then I guess aneurotypical person or an
extrovert.
I don't get fueled by beingaround other people.
It drains me.
and you probably wouldn't guessthat because I'm so chirpy and
(22:35):
talkative and kind of, extrovertseeming.
so it's my spiritual duty is tohave boundaries and just to say
the hard things to people likeI'm really sorry I can't do this
morning and I absolutely amflaky I've got a reputation I
think as being flaky in myfamily and cancelling things and
(22:57):
that's because I make plans withpeople when I'm feeling really
sprightly and joyful andconnected.
and it's not ever about theperson.
I mean, it might be, I don'tknow, on a rare occasion, but it
really very rarely is.
It's not like, oh, I don't wantto do the thing.
I do want to do the thing, butI've also got to put myself
first, because that is my job.
(23:20):
That's the number one job is toshow up in a, with equanimity,
with love to my family, that'smy job as a yoga householder, as
a good spiritual person.
And it doesn't mean I don't losemy shit.
I just did before we came outthe door, I just snapped for a
second and then I brought myselfaround.
(23:41):
I apologized, I reconnected andrepaired, and I, and I took that
also as a sign that, yep, youjust did the right thing.
And I'm going to go home and domy householder duties and feel
grounded by them, feel gratefulfor them.
I don't want to get more helpand get more help and pay all
the money that I'm earningthrough my business for more
(24:03):
help, more help, more help.
I don't want that.
I want to do it myself.
I want to be queen of my domain,if you like.
And I've always said that, like,I want, I don't mind getting a
little bit of help and I thinkwe should all do that if we need
to.
But spiritually, I've alwaysfelt like home keeping, home
making.
is a spiritual practice.
(24:25):
And the more I read about theterm householder, and I'll
definitely be talking more aboutthat and exploring that more.
in a meditation class yesterday,the meditation teacher talked
about, you know, we arehouseholders, we're spiritual
householders, and the meditationpractice needs to fit in with
us.
We don't, we don't have all dayto sit in the monastery and
chant and meditate.
(24:46):
So we have to do thesepractices.
to fit in with our lives, ourjobs, our families.
And if we're overwhelmed, ifwe're neurodiverse or if we're
neurotypical and we've taken toomuch on, if we're overwhelmed,
how the hell are we going to dothat?
How are we going to be at peacewith our number one people?
(25:07):
Because we've gone round andspent the whole day and the
whole week pleasing otherpeople.
That maybe we do care about, ofcourse.
And they are important, butwe've got to put our own people
first.
There is sometimes some stuff inthe ancient texts and so on
about yoga and abouthouseholders.
Sometimes I do feel like it jarsa little in terms of, there is
(25:32):
some stuff in there about beingselfless.
I think in modern terms, wewould actually say it's
important to be, not selfish,but to put our self care first
and saying no to people, even ifwe really adore them and
canceling something or politelydeclining something, even though
(25:53):
they need help too.
You know, things like the PTAand things like that.
The best thing to do is puttingyour own gas mask on first and
seeing to your own family first.
that is also how you're going tobuild a spiritual practice.
you cannot build a spiritualpractice if you are in a state
of overwhelm, whether you areneurodiverse or not.
And if you are neurodiverse,you're going to need to take
some stuff off your list.
You are going to need in theprocess of unmasking.
(26:17):
If you've recently beendiagnosed or if you were
diagnosed years ago, you have toput that extra self care in so
that you aren't in a state ofoverwhelm.
And that is gonna look A lotlike cancelling things, saying
no, being criticised for beingon your own all the time,
seeming a bit weird, and it'slike giving yourself the
(26:40):
permission to be fully you, thatis your spiritual assignment,
that's what God wants you to do,that's what the divine wants you
to do, the universe wants you tobe as fucking weird as you want
to be, because that's thefullest expression of you.
I'm gonna leave it there, Ireally enjoyed processing it out
loud with you, and Take care.
Leave a comment below.
Follow me on at Rachel BradyYoga and take care.
(27:01):
Love you.
Bye
Conscious but Grounded is a podcast about
spirituality, high vibe livingin the real world.
I ask questions like, how do weconnect to the magic?
The spirit, the source, theuniverse, but with our feet
firmly planted on the ground.
How do we show up in a consciousway and harness that to make
big, paradigm busting change inthe day to day of our lives?
(00:23):
I'm Rachel Brady, mum of three,yoga teacher and embodiment
coach.
This is the place where I'll bereflecting and exploring big,
deep questions, all with a pinchof self deprecation, a few
proper lols, and a lot of reallife.
Join me.
Hi guys, welcome back toConscious But Grounded.
I had a little break, where Ididn't upload for a while
(00:46):
because I just did such a lot tobegin with.
I kind of just had this burst ofcreativity, energy, thoughts,
and also I really wanted toshape what this was gonna be.
and also working with my cycles,and funnily enough, I'm at the
same stage in my cycle now,where I feel like I want to
share and I want to put my ideasout there in this format.
(01:12):
So it's really interesting justobserving how, which content and
which media type, and what typeof work I'm leaning towards,
depending on where I'm at mycycle.
So I just, I'm coming to the endof my period.
I'm not even going to say TMIbecause to me TMI is kind of
almost like a, an oxymoron ifthat's the right, like it just
(01:35):
doesn't exist basically for me.
There's never TMI for me, butalso that's kind of working with
your cycles is very much, that'sthe vibe of the thing.
Type of thing I want to talkabout on this podcast.
And so it's thought of inAyurveda and also kind of even
more modern kind of approachesto cycle monitoring and things
(01:59):
that actually, when you bleed,that's a really.
going inward it can be a reallycreative time and particularly
excuse me after when you'reapproaching your ovulation i
have a short cycle of about 21to 24 days so after i bleed i
almost immediately go into thatsocializing pre ovulation and
(02:23):
ovulation date.
Whereas a lot of other peoplewill have more of a lull before
they get to that point.
I feel quite grounded andactually what I wanted to talk
about today.
And as ever, I am processing asI speak, but what I wanted to
talk about today was.
Unmasking, overwhelm and howthose things relate to a
(02:48):
spiritual practice and being ayoga householder.
So let's wheel back a littlebit.
I just spent the week in Spainwith my little one, my six year
old, my baby.
And just before we left, he wasdiagnosed with autism and it was
a bit of a, yep, we already knowmoment.
Same as it was when I gotdiagnosed with ADHD about five
(03:09):
years ago.
I was like, Yeah, she said Iwas.
Yeah, I already knew.
However, that initial kind ofshrugging reaction, you almost
forget about it, like literallyten minutes after, you're like,
right, what was I doing?
And then, the weeks coming afterit starts to settle and
integrate, and you start to seethe world through a new lens.
(03:31):
could you feel a bit of emotionrising up in my throat there?
Because, you start to feel, andI've heard this from other late
diagnosed or autistic and ADHDwomen in particular, and men.
You start to look back and go,fuck, this has been hard, this
has been a real struggle.
(03:51):
I kept getting into trouble andI was being characterised as a
certain person when really.
I'm not neurotypical and thismakes so much sense and there's
a grieving process and whathappened is it sounds a bit
enmeshed but because and thishappens again so much with
mothers your kid gets diagnosedand then you start to go oh
(04:15):
Fuck.
Oh yeah, I am too because it'sgenetic.
It happens in families and notevery parent of every autistic
child will be autistic or ADHD,but there will be a familial
pattern going back and you'll beable to as you learn more about
it, go, Oh, when you look atlike one of your parents, it's
(04:38):
quite fun.
It's like everybody who getsdiagnosed.
automatically is now qualifiedto spot everybody else who isn't
or a divergent.
I'm joking by the way, butThat's what happens.
So what has this got to do withspirituality?
So So, this week away, I've,I've cried quite a lot, and I've
(04:59):
also completely given over to atype of unmasking, and it looks
very different on holiday to howit looks now.
So on holiday, it manifested injust literally eating what I
want, when I want.
I didn't fast, I drank too muchcoffee, I was almost, I was
(05:20):
ravenous, ravenous.
I did do yoga and stuff, butonly when I felt called to.
I stayed up till midnightlooking on my screen.
I woke up at quarter to eleven.
That is unheard of.
I get up really early and go tobed really early.
I kind of removed all of thestructure out of my life and
(05:40):
just let it flow.
And I also gave into a lot.
I did, I did ultra low demandparenting.
If Stanley wanted to buysomething on Minecraft, I bought
it for him.
If he wanted to eat pesto, Imade it for him.
Every single day.
If he wanted chocolate, I gavehim chocolate.
And so, I just was like, Let thewheels fall off this week.
(06:01):
And actually by doing so, it wasamazing.
We had hardly any runs.
I'm not saying we can live ourlife like this.
We can't.
That's what happened on holiday.
I started, I was reading, do youknow what?
I found a book and I came acrossan author called Devon Price.
And they wrote a book calledUnmasking.
Autism.
(06:22):
And I thought, when I get back,I'm going to order that.
Anyway, I did a deep dive, madesome new connections on social
media with newly diagnosedautistic people.
I wrote a post on my sub stack.
I'll link to it below called, Ithink I'm autistic.
So the long and short of it is Istarted to realize that I
matched a lot of, and I didn't,this didn't just happen.
(06:43):
If you look on my Kindle, I, forthe last four years, I've been
reading books on autism, Likeloads, and ADHD and AUDHD, which
is when ADHD and Autism are,comorbid, they coexist.
I think like two thirds ofpeople with Autism or something
have ADHD too, or it might bethe other way around, forgive me
(07:05):
there for that incorrect.
statistic, but something likethat is high, high rate.
And I said something to my momthe other day, which I feel like
really God.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's true.
I just said, and I hadn't readit anywhere.
And I just said ADHD and autismare two sides of the same coin.
And that's where I feel rightnow.
I don't know if I would qualifyfor an autism diagnosis.
(07:28):
Indeed, I have actually done apre diagnosis before and been on
the absolute cusp point.
And the psychologist who did itsaid to me, you do actually
really fit very high on theADHD.
And I was like, I know, I'vebeen diagnosed with ADHD.
And he was like, I'm not sureyou are.
Enough in these symptoms toqualify for an autism diagnosis
(07:50):
and I was like, that's awesome.
Fine.
And that's kind of where I amtoday.
I was looking into, should I goand get a diagnosis?
And I'm also acutely aware andvery well read on the
limitations of the diagnostictools that we have currently.
They were written a long timeago.
They're based around men andboys.
I'm 45 and I'm damn good atmasking and I'm damn good at
(08:13):
acting in a certain way, knowinghow to act.
Because I've learnt it.
and I know who I am and I nowjust feel really comfortable
describing myself asneurodivergent.
So, if anyone asks more it'slike ADHD and probably autistic.
I don't feel like right at thismoment in time I want to pursue
a diagnosis anymore.
(08:35):
I am currently wrestling withwhether that's my internalised
ableism.
because ADHD is like a,honestly, this is, this is, ADHD
seems to me like a more popularsexy diagnosis.
Like people don't want to bediagnosed with autism because
the perce the perception ofautism is monotone, uncreative,
(08:55):
dis you know, unpassionate.
The autistic people I know arekooky and quirky and funny and
bonkers and really creative andthey dance and they laugh and
they're just like, fun.
Like a lot of people who aren'talso can be autistic and that
presents for them differently.
(09:17):
But I think what happens ispeople don't want to be
diagnosed and so they alsowrestle with that.
But where are people kind of, ormore keen to be diagnosed with
ADHD because it's perceived aslike fun, creative and talkative
and so on.
The two can coexist and you canhave moments where you are
monotone and literal in yourhumour and all those different
(09:37):
things too.
So, where does this all link tospirituality?
So I'm in a process ofunmasking.
I see this book and I go, I'mgoing to buy that one Get home,
get on my Kindle, go to buy thebook.
Guess what?
I've already got it and I'veread half of it about a year
ago, so I continue reading it.
It's called Unmasking Autism byDevon Price and I highly
(10:00):
recommend it.
And what is becoming clear to menow is that, I've been unmasking
for the past five years.
I've been putting up boundaries.
I've been losing relationships.
I've been chasing authenticityby quitting alcohol and
embracing solitude and cancelingthings when I need to cancel.
(10:22):
And.
saying no to things that drainme.
And just leaning more and moreand more and getting passionate
about my hyper focus, which isyoga and spirituality.
But I'm still having penny, bigpenny drop moments every single
day.
Oh my god, like.
(10:44):
I had one just before I cameout, and now I've forgotten it,
but I'll try and remember it.
Oh yeah, that was it.
I reached for my cap to put on.
I'm just on a dog walk now, avery slow dog walk.
I put my cap on, and I said tomyself, I realise now why I wore
a cap for years as a teenager,and at uni.
Because I love wearing a cap,because today, believe it or
(11:04):
not, I actually feel quitedelicate.
I just cancelled a plan withsomeone.
I feel really overwhelmed, whichis what I'm about to talk about.
And so, I put on my cap, becauseif I see anyone, it's a little
bit of armour between me andthem.
And I also feel the same aboutmy glasses.
So if I've been crying, or Ijust feel like I don't feel like
(11:27):
I want to see anyone.
And I think people do this,don't they?
People with sunglasses, don'tthey?
To shut, to like, shut the worldout a bit.
and if you feel anxious, I knowmy husband, if he's got a
hangover or anything like that,he puts his sunglasses on.
Not because he's got a headache,but because he just like, feels
anxious and wants to hide.
so I know, look, like all ofthese things neurodiversity,
everyone can go, well, I'msorry, I'm not neurodiverse, but
(11:48):
I do those things too.
Okay?
You know, they can.
and they do.
and so what I want to say is twothings, you know, neurodiverse,
neurotypical, we all do thesethings, but with neurodiversity,
the difference is these thingsare very, very strong in your
life and you do them all thetime.
(12:08):
And it's a constant and theconstant tax on your nervous
system, actually the financialtax as well, having ADHD or
autism or things like that.
I have so many parking fines.
Speeding tickets, you know, latefines.
When I was a teenager in mytwenties, the vast majority of
my money went on overdraft fees.
And I'm not even joking, I had avery bad problem with money.
(12:33):
You know, it's just, that is areal thing.
Look up the ADHD tax.
So, where am I going with this?
So all of these things, so Istart reading this book and I
realize, oh the cap thing, ohthe glasses thing, and it's this
constant now, penny dropping,penny dropping.
So I feel like I was diagnosedwith ADHD, that's taken a few
(12:53):
years to process, that led to alevel of unmasking and deep
diving into my true self that Ididn't really know I was, it was
unmasking.
I thought I was just like, andthere is still some of this,
like look, I'm in my 40s now,I'm gonna do more what the fuck
I want.
And I also think the metaphorsand the perimenophores, I think
I'm in perimenopause.
I'm 45.
(13:13):
I don't show it in my resultsbloods, but I do show it in my
symptoms.
And so the menopause expertsaid, you are okay to have HRT,
which I take.
So it's like the menopause andthe perimenopause are a window.
There are like a wormhole if youlike or something like that.
You have a choice to stepthrough it and we're more
conscious now that we have thesewindows of opportunity to step
(13:36):
through and go, I'm going to bemore aligned.
I'm going to be more authentic.
I'm going to be more me.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
I'm not going to people please.
Again, these can all beneurotypical things, but in
neurodiversity it's like onsteroids.
And so I felt, I really do haveto stand up for myself a lot of
the time.
People will criticise me, theyalways mean well, like you need
(14:00):
to get out more, you need to domore, you need to socialise
more.
You need to do this, you need todo that.
And I'm like, do I?
I'm good.
Like, I'm actually good.
I know if I need to socializeand I need to meet someone for a
coffee and get out there in theworld, I really do know when I
need to.
I really am good at feeling thatinto myself and kind of going,
you know what?
(14:21):
Yeah, you have been on your owntoo much.
but It's, it's a spiritualopportunity, and it's like,
shedding all of these shoulds,unmasking, and even if you're
not neurodivergent, and the vastmajority of people listening to
this probably aren't, although Ithink people, some people will
be, because they're beingattracted to me and what I do,
(14:42):
because it resonates.
And I also think thatneurodivergent is way less rare
than what we think.
Okay?
Way less rare.
I don't know, 1 in 10?
1 in 5?
Something like that?
whereas I think we used to thinkof it as only one type of very
severe kind of, type ofneurodivergence that was very,
(15:02):
very obvious physically when youmet somebody or maybe there was
learning impairments as well.
And now there's this criticism.
Everyone seems neurodiversenowadays.
Oh, everyone's got ADHD.
Will there be some mistakes indiagnosis?
Does it matter?
No.
Why would you go out and seekout a diagnosis that isn't right
(15:23):
and just give yourself a labelthat actually isn't, it's not
like a seen often as a positivething.
And I honestly feel like givepeople a A chance to self
identify and to explore theirown identity in every capacity.
Let people fucking identify aswhatever they want.
(15:44):
It's not our place to tellpeople how they show up in the
world, it's up to them.
And that's your only role inlife.
That's what spirit wants, that'swhat the universe wants.
It's like, run with it, get asmuch life out of this life as
you can, identify, search andexplore, and be authentic to
(16:06):
you.
You know, there were autisticand ADHD people in the Bible,
like I pulled, I wrote asubstack the other day, I don't
think I finished it yet, Ipublished it.
some really interesting articlespointing out that a couple of
the disciples were probablyautistic and ADHD.
and, you know, there's, there'slines out of the Corinthians
that talk about diversity inbrains and things like that.
(16:29):
I'm, I'm, I'm, it's not, thatisn't verbatim, but there are.
There's, there's lines in therethat pertain to that.
You know, this isn't new.
Like, there's, we need diversityof brains.
We need diverse people to goforward in the world and create
our future in a way that wedon't even know how to yet.
(16:49):
We need that rich diversity ofthought.
You know, GCHQ are literallyhunting out diversity of thought
right now, and they are lookingfor people who are autistic and
ADHD to work for them.
Because they need a newperspective, a different
perspective.
what I was experiencing todaywas this scent, a really big
sense of overwhelm.
(17:09):
I look at my calendar and I seeon there.
I'm bearing in mind I've been upsince six, I've meditated, done
all the right things.
and it's, I'm teaching atmidday, then I have a session
after that, then I have ameeting.
And then I'm picking the kidsup.
there is an option to go to anafter school club that I take
one of the kids to.
(17:30):
I also have to cook a A meal Ican't cook in advance, I have to
cook it straight from the fish,so I'm going to cook it in the
pan.
You know, I'm out with the dogsnow, I'm trying to not ever skip
that because when I do, I feelterrible, they are naughty.
You know, I've got three kidsready for school this morning.
I've cleaned the house beforethe cleaner came.
(17:51):
Tell me I'm not alone in doingthis because I adore this
amazing girl that comes andhelps us once a week.
It doesn't always happen once aweek because sometimes I can't
do and she can't do, whatever.
And as much as I've been temptedto cancel recently because what
happens is I find it sooverwhelming.
I have to go through the house.
In every single room pick up allthe crap So that she can clean
(18:13):
it, right?
Anyway, I know from previousexperience that I have to keep
this on because it does help usIt does and when I go back and
she's Done the stuff thatactually would take me a long
time to do like hooveringthroughout the house, mopping
the kitchen, doing the bathroomsI'm really grateful.
Unlike cleaning down the tops.
I'm really really grateful andit feels really good So this
(18:34):
morning as well as getting thethree kids ready for school To
be fair one of them is very selfsufficient and she just sorts
herself out I'm like gettingthem, you know making them
breakfast, which is alwayssomething fresh, you know I'm
just like I'm just realizing Ihad a social arrangement,
basically, and I adore thisperson, and I just felt I was
(18:56):
already feeling massively,massively overwhelmed.
and so the thing is, since thisdiagnosis of Stanley's, it's
just given me an extra layer ofpermission as I read about
unmasking and what that actuallyreally means.
And sometimes it means lettingpeople down, and sometimes it
means choosing your regulationand your ability to cope with
(19:20):
the rest of the day.
over disappointing someone andthat's very fucking hard, and
it's really really hard and thatwhat that has to do with
spirituality is.
If I'm going to be a spiritualperson, which basically means a
good person that cares aboutother people, that doesn't fly
(19:43):
off the handle.
If I see that as my spiritualduty and I'm really not very
good at it.
So I need to work on this.
it's honestly up to me to stayregulated.
And I know if I do one morething today and I may even
cancel another thing.
I know I can't cope with a lotin a day.
(20:04):
I already fucking do a lot in aday.
Like, if I had no businesswhatsoever and no spiritual
practice or any of that Honestto God, my day would be totally
full.
I have three baskets of washingat home that I've just tipped
out onto the sofa that I need todo.
The other thing I realised whenI was in Spain is I am
completely overwhelmed and wehave way too much on.
(20:26):
Like, it was so nice in Spainnot to have any animals to look
after and I bloody love ouranimals.
I really, really do.
But they are a huge job inthemselves.
And like my dad often says tome, You've got enough on.
Like, why are you doing anymore?
(20:48):
and I really agree with that,but I also have a job and a
responsibility to myself tofulfil my dharma.
And this is my dharma, and Ican't, sometimes I find it hard
to label it and name it.
Expressing myself is my dharma.
Showing up for people, helpingother people, leading them down
(21:08):
a spiritual path through yogaand coaching and, you know, if I
ever get around to restarting myReiki, that too, you know, it's
still taking shape at what my,you know, what my life purpose
is at the minute.
and I'm really enjoying it andit's helping everything else.
It's becoming a foundation toeverything else.
(21:29):
So I could have met the personthis morning, but I know myself,
and even though I would haveenjoyed it in the moment, and
really loved the other person,socialising drains me, so if I'd
have had nothing on for the restof the day, I would have
absolutely, 100 percent donethat.
I know I'm teaching later,online, I have a meeting later,
(21:53):
that I may even postpone.
and I just can't do it all.
You know, even recording thisnow, I love to process and I
process out loud.
this is one of the ways Iprocess, the other way is in
writing.
And if I do all those things, Iwill be an asshole later with my
(22:13):
kids and I will be snappy anddrained.
I need more regulation than mostpeople, then not, not most
people, but then I guess aneurotypical person or an
extrovert.
I don't get fueled by beingaround other people.
It drains me.
and you probably wouldn't guessthat because I'm so chirpy and
(22:35):
talkative and kind of, extrovertseeming.
so it's my spiritual duty is tohave boundaries and just to say
the hard things to people likeI'm really sorry I can't do this
morning and I absolutely amflaky I've got a reputation I
think as being flaky in myfamily and cancelling things and
(22:57):
that's because I make plans withpeople when I'm feeling really
sprightly and joyful andconnected.
and it's not ever about theperson.
I mean, it might be, I don'tknow, on a rare occasion, but it
really very rarely is.
It's not like, oh, I don't wantto do the thing.
I do want to do the thing, butI've also got to put myself
first, because that is my job.
(23:20):
That's the number one job is toshow up in a, with equanimity,
with love to my family, that'smy job as a yoga householder, as
a good spiritual person.
And it doesn't mean I don't losemy shit.
I just did before we came outthe door, I just snapped for a
second and then I brought myselfaround.
(23:41):
I apologized, I reconnected andrepaired, and I, and I took that
also as a sign that, yep, youjust did the right thing.
And I'm going to go home and domy householder duties and feel
grounded by them, feel gratefulfor them.
I don't want to get more helpand get more help and pay all
the money that I'm earningthrough my business for more
(24:03):
help, more help, more help.
I don't want that.
I want to do it myself.
I want to be queen of my domain,if you like.
And I've always said that, like,I want, I don't mind getting a
little bit of help and I thinkwe should all do that if we need
to.
But spiritually, I've alwaysfelt like home keeping, home
making.
is a spiritual practice.
(24:25):
And the more I read about theterm householder, and I'll
definitely be talking more aboutthat and exploring that more.
in a meditation class yesterday,the meditation teacher talked
about, you know, we arehouseholders, we're spiritual
householders, and the meditationpractice needs to fit in with
us.
We don't, we don't have all dayto sit in the monastery and
chant and meditate.
(24:46):
So we have to do thesepractices.
to fit in with our lives, ourjobs, our families.
And if we're overwhelmed, ifwe're neurodiverse or if we're
neurotypical and we've taken toomuch on, if we're overwhelmed,
how the hell are we going to dothat?
How are we going to be at peacewith our number one people?
(25:07):
Because we've gone round andspent the whole day and the
whole week pleasing otherpeople.
That maybe we do care about, ofcourse.
And they are important, butwe've got to put our own people
first.
There is sometimes some stuff inthe ancient texts and so on
about yoga and abouthouseholders.
Sometimes I do feel like it jarsa little in terms of, there is
(25:32):
some stuff in there about beingselfless.
I think in modern terms, wewould actually say it's
important to be, not selfish,but to put our self care first
and saying no to people, even ifwe really adore them and
canceling something or politelydeclining something, even though
(25:53):
they need help too.
You know, things like the PTAand things like that.
The best thing to do is puttingyour own gas mask on first and
seeing to your own family first.
that is also how you're going tobuild a spiritual practice.
you cannot build a spiritualpractice if you are in a state
of overwhelm, whether you areneurodiverse or not.
And if you are neurodiverse,you're going to need to take
some stuff off your list.
You are going to need in theprocess of unmasking.
(26:17):
If you've recently beendiagnosed or if you were
diagnosed years ago, you have toput that extra self care in so
that you aren't in a state ofoverwhelm.
And that is gonna look A lotlike cancelling things, saying
no, being criticised for beingon your own all the time,
seeming a bit weird, and it'slike giving yourself the
(26:40):
permission to be fully you, thatis your spiritual assignment,
that's what God wants you to do,that's what the divine wants you
to do, the universe wants you tobe as fucking weird as you want
to be, because that's thefullest expression of you.
I'm gonna leave it there, Ireally enjoyed processing it out
loud with you, and Take care.
Leave a comment below.
Follow me on at Rachel BradyYoga and take care.
(27:01):
Love you.
Bye
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