Episode Transcript
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Rachel Brady's video (00:01):
Conscious
but Grounded is a podcast about
spirituality, high vibe livingin the real world.
I ask questions like, how do weconnect to the magic?
The spirit, the source, theuniverse, but with our feet
firmly planted on the ground.
How do we show up in a consciousway and harness that to make
big, paradigm busting change inthe day to day of our lives?
(00:23):
I'm Rachel Brady, mum of three,yoga teacher and embodiment
coach.
This is the place where I'll bereflecting and exploring big,
deep questions, all with a pinchof self deprecation, a few
proper lols, and a lot of reallife.
Join me.
Hello and welcome to ConsciousLook Grounded.
(00:45):
I'm Rachel Brady.
I'm a mom of three and I'm ayoga teacher, an embodiment
coach, a holistic life coach,and I'm also Reiki trained.
And, um, today I want to talkabout something really difficult
actually.
Um, so yesterday I had a really,really bad.
(01:10):
Let's just call it really bad.
Not really, really bad.
'cause I know what really,really bad feels like.
And it wasn't quite, that.
It was a bad little mini episodeof depression.
And, um, and I ended up phoningthe doctor.
And so that to me is like agreat act of self-compassion and
(01:30):
self-care that I'm really proudof.
And as I talked it through withthe doctor, I'd made some notes
on my phone, like, how do Iexplain this?
You know, it started to make.
Sense as I processed it out loudto her.
Um, and I just wanted to unpickit.
Um, and it helps me, you know, alot of these episodes do sit on
(01:52):
my computer and I do think, Idunno if I wanna post that and
I'm not even sharing my podcastvery widely, but I do, I think
sharing your truth, if oneperson hears it and relates to
it, then it's really worth, uh,making it and sharing it.
Um.
So, yeah, uh, a little bit ofbackground.
(02:13):
What I'm gonna do actually istalk to you like I spoke to the
doctor and just like give you akind of a few minutes of a
roundup of what is going on.
So I'm 45.
I'm obviously perimenopause age.
Uh, so that is a factor,obviously.
Um, and yeah, like I said, I hada very, I had a episode of
(02:38):
depression yesterday.
And so to widen out the scope ofthe information from that point,
I don't have those days veryoften anymore, but I used to
have them more often.
And also the day before I hadthe day of depression yesterday,
I felt very, very hyper for twodays, three days.
(03:00):
It wasn't the most hyper I'veever felt, but I felt pretty
hyper, so much so that Iactually went out.
I battled it for a while, but Iactually decided to go out and
buy.
A few beers and, and I, I smokedtwo cigarettes and I drank three
bottles of beer, like smallbottles of beer.
And that was it.
Like it took the edge off.
And, and as I spoke this to thedoctor, I also thought, right,
(03:24):
it's relevant here to tell herabout the coffee thing as well.
So I get outta bed and at theminute, I honestly feel like a
99-year-old woman.
Like, seriously, I have adegenerative disc.
I've just found out on my lowerleft back.
And, and, and that saw.
You know, that is, that is achyin the morning.
It has been for years, but, um,the only thing that can get me
(03:48):
going is coffee.
And so I have a coffee.
I, I didn't have one yesterdaybecause I was really conscious
of like, what is going on withmy body?
Like, what happens if I don'thave a coffee?
That probably contributed to thedepression that I was feeling.
Uh, and I had a coffee, uh, thismorning though.
So every day I get up, I have acoffee.
I try to just have one.
(04:09):
If I have a second one.
I have like one of those verymild like mushroom coffees, you
know, it is like barely got anycoffee in it.
So I'm really, I'm really tryingto help myself here in terms of
what I'm doing.
But absolutely, I treat coffeeas a medicine.
Like people say to me, just havedecaf, and I'm like, what is the
point of decaf?
(04:29):
Like now I drink coffee for theeffect, so I'm medicating
myself.
To feel energy and then I'mmedicating myself when I feel
manic to come down.
I also want to add though that Ihaven't felt manic for a really
long time.
Like that was a bit of a shockto the system.
Um, and I have explored in thepast, the obvious thing here is
bipolar, and I have exploredthat in the past, but the doctor
(04:53):
was like, Hmm, I think you soshow some traits of it, but not
fully.
And that was what was on myrecord.
And she, she pulled that upyesterday and I said, yeah, you
know, and she said, I agree withthat.
She said The manic periods wouldlast longer and the depression
periods would last longer, butI'm very much in this kind of
rapid cycling type thing.
Anyway, the more common storywith me is this exhaustion part.
(05:16):
Um, I also have a, I think I'vementioned on here before, like I
also have a.
Um, benign brain tumor, but thatsounds so dramatic.
It's a pituitary tumor.
It's called a prolactinoma, andit's being managed with
medication.
Now, two doctors have said to methat my symptoms of exhaustion
(05:37):
and feeling a bit manic and thena bit all over the place, um,
and then a bit depressed and,you know, uh, I'm more likely
it's because by the medication Itake than the tumor itself.
But generally I feel like Imetabolize.
Or take that medication.
I feel like I cope with it in mysystem.
Okay.
Um, so I, I painted this pictureto the doctor and she kind of
(06:00):
goes, what do you want from metoday?
Which I think was a really goodquestion.
And I was like, yeah, I don't, Idon't, I was like, well, I, I
wondered what you thought aboutbeing referred to a
psychiatrist.
And she said, I'm not sure aboutthat.
Anything else?
And I said.
Yes, I want to have some bloodto make sure there's not a
physical balance off balancething here like thyroid or
(06:23):
anything like that, or adeficiency in some area, or, I
said to her though, although Idoubt it because I take that
many bullety supplements and Irattle when I walk down the
street, like I literally, thisis why I find this so
frustrating is, okay, so I'm notin the gym every day and I
definitely need to get back tothat type of exercise where you
sweat because that, that reallyhelps me with my endorphins and
(06:45):
feeling calm.
Oh, well the other thing that Itold her about was this rage
element that I've got and, andit's like I'm a really good mom
and I said to her, look, I, I'ma great mom.
And then just out of nowhere itjust explodes and it's like
really, really awful.
It's like the worst thing.
And then I can shame spiral fromthat as well, although to some
(07:05):
degree my kids are kind of usedto it now and they're used and
they know as well that mommy'sgot issues around hormones and
don't take it personally.
And I always repair and I alwayssay, look, you did nothing
wrong.
You're being a completely normalteenager or you're being a
completely normal 6-year-old.
I'm so sorry like that I snappedat you like that or whatever.
So, yeah.
(07:26):
And, and so I said, I want theblood, I want bloods done.
So we're getting those done.
And then the other thing was,um, yeah, I, I think she very
astutely picked up on theexhaustion thing.
She's like, I think theexhaustion.
And I said that that's the,that's the overriding struggle
that, you know, the last coupleof days.
Okay.
I've been a bit, I've been abit.
(07:46):
Manic.
And then I was a bit down.
Oh, and the other thing I askedfor was a vape.
I said, can I get like a vape onthe NHS just for the odd times?
And I feel like that because I'mnot like my husband bless him in
that he, when he smoked, he waslike a non-stop smoker.
Like when I met him, he neverdidn't have a rollie on the go.
(08:07):
And then, um, when he quitsmoking for years, then he'd
accidentally started again andhe ended up vaping and he found
vaping harder to quit thansmoke.
Okay.
And so I don't wanna go downthat avenue, but I just, I'm the
type of person that like, justhas this odd, kind of every now
and then, like this sense of alittle bit of hypermania and
then I just need to like smoke acigarette to calm down.
(08:29):
And so she said, yeah,absolutely.
You're a good candidate forthat.
So she's, she sent me a link andI'm gonna look at it later to
try and get like a little vapefor, and I feel those, those
moments come on.
And perhaps I can go in thegarden with a zero beer and a,
have a couple of puffs on thevape.
Is it ideal?
Am I, uh.
Is it like, you know, is it aspiritual solution?
(08:49):
No.
Um, but it's like I am veryhuman.
Like we all are, and I don'tbelieve in this thing of like,
I'm just not the hair, hair.
Like I, I meditated today.
I am on my way to yoga now.
I just fully accept myself inthat.
I'm a very human person, youknow, I don't feel very fit
(09:14):
right now.
I'm going to yoga, feeling bitself-conscious about the fact
that I've got a crop to top onand I've got a lot, I'm carrying
quite a bit of weight for myholiday, but like, so what?
Right?
Like I'm, I, I need to practicewhat I preach and share my truth
and be a, a, a, an averageperson.
(09:35):
That's because that's what I am.
And um, yeah, so I said all thisand she said, right, we'll
organize some bloods.
I'm gonna send you a link to getthe vape and we, we need to
look.
Into the reason for thisexhaustion.
And she said, it sounds to melike, like a kind of chronic
fatigue type thing.
And I said, I totally agree.
I totally agree.
Um, I also said to her, um,look, my son was just diagnosed
(10:00):
with autism.
And that's been running throughmy mind too.
Like I do have some autistictraits and, and the battle off
between the autistic traits andthe A DHD TRA traits is, is
exhausting.
And maybe that's the reason.
And she said, yep, absolutely.
But she didn't really discusskind of diagnosis for autism or
anything like that.
(10:20):
Okay.
So how does this relate tospirituality?
These are all very grounded,very earthly issues.
Right?
And I almost didn't take thedoctor's call.
I almost didn't call the doctorin the first place.
I, because I'm very much like, Iknow that I have, I know the
spiritual side of this too.
Like I know my energy is off,like my energy.
(10:45):
Energies are off.
Why?
I don't know.
In human design, I am aprojector and projectors are
notoriously tired a lot of thetime because we don't have
access to energy in the same wayother human design types do.
I also, you know, I'm doing alot of the right things on the
physical realm.
(11:06):
Um, thinking about the kosherand the energy body, you know,
the physical sheath, the foodsheath, I think I am eating the
right food.
I definitely think.
I have a dairy intolerance andI'm ignoring it right now.
Um, not, I don't drink gallonsof milk by any, sh any, any, you
know, shot?
No.
I, I would eat dairy every nowand then, or have some milk in a
(11:29):
tea or coffee.
That's all.
If I'm making a smoothie oranything like that, I would
definitely have like nut milk.
Um, and I'm trying to thinklike, am I putting something in
my body?
Am I doing something here that'sputting my energy off?
Uh, they do say that projectorsshould sleep alone, um, which is
(11:50):
a little bit impractical formost people.
But, but I, I, I, I sleep withmy son, like that's not ideal.
I would honestly prefer to besleeping with my husband right
now, but like, again, that, thatdoesn't fix the projector.
Sleep alone problem.
I definitely recognize, I, I, Isleep much better when I sleep
alone.
Maybe that's something, um, Ifeel like my energies are off.
(12:11):
I feel like because I grew up.
And ignored some stuff.
Um, because I grew up in a timewhere everybody ignored stuff
that had happened in our past.
Um, I buried things down.
I drank and I let, I let all ofmy, I, you know, the lens of
(12:36):
trauma.
They weren't big traumas, theywere little t traumas.
Uh, kind of dictate how I livedand acted and.
Now I'm living in a much moreconscious way.
Where I get my life is basedaround healing first, everything
else.
Second, do I always get itright?
Absolutely not.
I feel like it's gonna take sometime for a lot of that stuff to
kind of filter out.
(12:58):
I also think a lot of this ishormonal.
Like I said to the doctor, Ifeel like I'm just like miss,
like I look at my husband in themorning and how he acts and how
he bounces back.
Even if he's had like a lot todrink the night for on a work
store or something.
I'm like, God, I wish I was you.
You know?
It's like I feel like I'm.
Lacking the basic hormones thatmake you have energy, calmness,
(13:20):
uh, you know, all the, all thehormones.
You know, there's a really goodbook, dya Taylor Hack Your
Hormones.
I need to reread that becauseshe talks about that and I feel
like in perimenopause I'mprobably, because I'm taking HRT
I'm a little bit like, oh wellthat part of me should be
sorted.
Well, no, actually, I don'tthink HRT is just the answer to
(13:41):
everyone.
I think.
I think rigor.
Risk exercise is the answer forme, and I'm not doing it.
I'm very much so going back tothat kind of Ayurvedic approach.
In Aveda they say there's threetypes of doshas, right?
Three types of people.
There's pitter, which is, I'mgonna really break this down
(14:02):
into very simple terms.
I'm oversimplifying here, butpitter is fire and it's kind of
like skinny and bony and wiryand like very fiery personality,
quick moving, that type ofthing.
Vata.
He's a bit more middle set,averagely built.
Uh, it's the air element, veryscattered, imaginative,
daydreamer.
(14:22):
And then kafa is more heavybuilt and very much more
anchored and struggles withmotivation to do things, but a
very caring, loving person andheavy, more heavy set.
And so I always identifiedmostly with the Varta type, but
actually I'm like more likepitter, Pitta Varta.
(14:43):
Um, and in.
My old age, let's say I'm notthat old in my middle age, I'm,
I'm varying towards kaa andthat's not my natural ti that's
not my natural state.
And so I see Dya Taylor, like,you know, she goes out for a
daily run and, and like,honestly, this, these things
(15:03):
aren't, I mean, she is slim andso on, but I need to do these
things.
Not so I can get a gym bod, but,so I can freaking function like
we live.
Orally so that, I'm trying tothink about the, the best
solution to that gym wise.
You know, I could just run, youknow, I could just go for runs.
But what I'm thinking here isconstantly like one part, one
(15:25):
part of my mind is like, okay,check your blood, see if there's
not a deficiency.
And then the other part of mymind is like, what's the
spiritual solution here?
And the spiritual solution isoften around the body though.
And so I did something yesterdayand let's talk about how I coped
with yesterday.
So I was.
(15:45):
Very tearful.
Part of this as well at theminute is around the fact that I
have very, very low numberscoming to my yoga.
I've gotta give myself a break.
Like I'm happy to say that toyou.
Like one person comes to each ofthe classes that I'm running at
the minute, and I think whatI've said to people is, you know
(16:05):
what, what I need to do is likereally treasure that person and
become a great teacher for thatperson.
I'm a baby yoga teacher.
I've only started this businessin November.
Um, I know an awful lot aboutthe full spectrum of yoga, but
in terms of teaching yogaexperience, I still don't have
very much.
Um, and I feel impatient.
I feel impatient.
(16:26):
Like, damn it, if 10 people willcome into that class, that would
be, I'd be a better teacher.
I'd be more inspired.
I'd be, you know, well, I likelife and my business are working
at God's pace, not at mine.
And so I need to accept that andnot be so in my ego.
And what I'm doing is all.
Ego based, I'm feeling sad, orI'm feeling like lack of
(16:48):
motivation around my business.
And then what happens then is Iget doubts around my business.
And then what happens then isI'm back in the gritty, the
thought cycle that's tortured mefor years, which is what am I
doing with my life?
And now as I, as I share thiswith you, it is crystal clear.
I need to walk the yogic path.
(17:09):
I need to say I am a yogateacher.
I'm teaching one person, and I.
I am gonna do it very well andrelease attachment to the
outcome.
Release my ego, uh, release myattachment to meaning like one
person can.
That means I'm a crap yogateacher.
No, it means that you're justgetting started.
You live in a rural area, likegive yourself a chance, you
(17:33):
know?
So it's really helping justairing this out.
And then also, you know, I'mstill recovering from the
holiday.
I am energetically incrediblysensitive and I think a lot of
spiritual being.
People are like, if you are ahighly sensitive person, often I
think, you know, when you'relike, I think I'm neurodiverse,
but I'm not sure I'm neurodivergent, but I'm not sure.
(17:55):
I think a really good step downfrom that is like, just
acknowledge that you're A HSP, ahighly sensitive person.
So whether I'm autistic or not,whether I may do HD or not,
although I've got an A DHDdiagnosis, it's like I know I'm
a highly sensitive person.
I feel the energy in the room.
I walk into a restaurant and I,I clock every single person and
the dy.
I make with the person that theysat with.
(18:17):
I'm like, seriously?
I said that to my kids onholiday.
And they were like, what are youtalking about?
And also, my daughter thought Iwas boasting, and I was like,
no, I'm not boasting.
Like it's a nightmare.
It's hard.
It's, it's very tiring.
Um, and I'm very empathic,empathetic.
One of those can't rememberwhich one it is.
Empathetic.
(18:37):
Um, I would definitely say I'man empath.
Like it always sounds like a bitof a wanky thing to say, like,
oh, I'm an empath, but like, I,I.
Think I am, like when I'mtalking to someone I can really
pick on, on their energy.
All these things are tiring,right?
And like there's a level ofwhich you have to accept and
like, why are we so, why do wepathologize the fact that we
(18:57):
have to have a rest in theafternoon perhaps that's okay.
I mean, of course like I, like Ispoke it all out to my husband
and he was like, that doesn'tsound normal.
You do need to go to the doctor.
And I definitely think like, goget checked because there could
be something off.
But also I'm like.
If everything comes back normal,which I think it will, I'm also
(19:19):
like, you know what?
I am a projector.
I am designed to work in burstsof creativity and lend rests.
That's who I am.
That's just how I am and likehow lucky am I?
I've got a beautiful family.
I've got a beautiful home, andyesterday I really tried to get
into that headset headspace.
I also tried to sit in it, sothis is why I didn't have coffee
(19:41):
yesterday.
I kept thinking, you know what?
When you are in a odd mood, in agood mood and you read about
depression, you read about pain,you and you know, pain and
painful thought processes andthings like that.
Uh, it always said, just sit init.
Just feel it.
Stop trying to avoid it.
(20:02):
So I tried to do that and I diddo that.
And, uh, you know what I did?
There was a day, one of a free14 day, uh, mini course about
the yoga sutures and shamanismthat popped upon, uh, Facebook,
I think it was with ElenaBrower, um, who she, I met in
her doTERRA team, although I'mnot active in that at the
minute.
(20:22):
Uh, and so I thought, oh wow.
This really speaks to me.
I'll just, I'm gonna sign up forthat.
And I watched the first videoand it was lovely and it helped
me and I meditated later on.
But what I did, I got someincense and I created a
beautiful space.
Oh, before that I also walkedthe dogs.
I put a cap on and I putearphones in just in case I saw
anyone.
I put on my favorite funny yogapodcast, it's called The Funny
(20:45):
Thing about Yoga.
It was sunny.
I felt better immediately forbeing outside.
Um, yeah, I came home, I litsome incense.
I meditated, I pulled some tarotcards, which really, really
helped.
I pulled some Tar three tarotcards.
Cards.
I did a three tarot card readingon myself and I asked, uh, do I
(21:06):
need like a medical interventionright now?
And the card said Rest.
I asked, should I press pause onmy business right now?
And the card that pulled, that Ipulled, uh, said it was the
Lovers.
So it was basically kind ofsaying, this is a, a
relationship where you eithercommit or you leave.
So it was saying basically likeyou either decide now, just
(21:30):
commit entirely to thisrelationship with your business
or just walk away.
And so then I asked, uh, is yogateaching in my future?
And it, it was the five ofPentacles, which shows a woman
kind of in the, in the car deckI've got a woman was sad and
(21:50):
broken on the floor, which wasvery much how I felt yesterday.
And then, and then, and then inthe background there was a door
with pep.
With the Pentacles on it.
And the Pentacles representswealth and success and, uh, and
a key on the floor.
And it was like saying, you'vegot the key, you've got the key
to the, to the success withthis, but you are lying on the
floor crying.
And it was basically saying youneed to heal before you can go
(22:13):
ahead and teach yoga.
And, you know, as, as you'repart of your, you know, and be
successful in it.
So what I read in those.
In the, in those cards combinedwas, I need to rest right now,
but overall I need to commit tomy business.
Um, and then also that the worldis there for your taking and you
(22:35):
know, you can unlock the key tothat successful future.
But first you've got to heal.
And so that was really helpful.
And then I also got my pendulum,which is like, um, a crystal on
a chain.
And you, you, you keep itextraordinarily still, and then
you focus and you ask thequestion, but first you ask
which way is yes, which way isno.
(22:57):
And then often for me, clockwiseis yes.
And the other way is no.
And I asked the questions, Iasked loads of questions to it,
and it was clear as a day.
It just said, it basically said.
Um, uh, it basically said thatthis is a lot to do with my
perimenopause.
It said that I am, that autismis a factor here and that I am
(23:18):
neurodivergent and a few otherthings I can't remember now.
And you know what?
I had a nap.
I was like, I need to rest.
Like, you know what the cardsaid?
And I was just like, I woke up.
I felt better.
I cooked my kids a really,really nice.
Tea that they really liked.
(23:38):
Creamy mushroom pasta, in caseyou were wondering.
Um, and I just add somechocolate and I do, you know
what I watched and I feel like.
It is, I, it helps me so much towatch, like cheerful, um, frothy
tv.
When I feel like this.
I thought I need something newto watch that's just cheerful
and frothy.
(23:59):
And I watched Stacey and Joe,which is like on BBCI player.
It's, um, Stacey Solomon and herhusband and their five kids.
And that, it just resonated alot.
It was very relatable.
It was like very, very relatablethat we have, we have a kind of
similarly crazy life and.
But we're also very blessed andit reminded me that all these
(24:20):
things are just normal.
Uh, the arguing with yourhusband is normal.
You know, having stress andtrying to juggle work and family
is normal.
And yeah, I just wanted toprocess that out.
And just, you know, what keptcoming to mind yesterday was
like, just have a day.
I think I saw an Instagram postwhere it was like, just have a
(24:40):
day when you're having a hardone.
Just have a day.
It doesn't have to be a.
Special day, just have a day andthat's it.
And just like strike it off andthat's it.
Um, and then I, you know, I hada, a decent bedtime and I made
sure I put my son down a bitearlier.
I'm really struggling with himgetting, um, in fact, we didn't
(25:01):
get him down earlier in the end.
He was fussing around untilabout half 10.
I'm really struggling with that.
Um, and it just, watching thatshow though just made me realize
how much I do.
Just, I really need to focus onmy home and my family first,
because when that.
Flowing.
And when that's steady and whenwe're in a structure, I feel so
much happier.
Um, and I also shared, I alsoshared, and that was the other
(25:25):
thing I wanted to say, and I'vealways completely forgotten.
Uh, I had, I was feeling veryoverwhelmed the day before
because I had three or four eventhings the next day to do.
I'd put way too much in my diaryand to other people, four things
in the diary wouldn't sound likea lot, but to me it felt
overwhelming.
(25:45):
And so what I actually did wasgive myself some grace and
canceled with them.
And I told the people that I wascanceling with the truth.
I didn't lie.
Um, and they were all absolutelylovely.
And, but of course you have abit of a shame spiral.
Like, oh my God, how am I gonnarun a business when I'm this
inconsistent on my mentalhealth?
(26:06):
But then I was like, you knowwhat, what I owe to these people
is to pick up the phone andspeak to the doctor and, and,
and try and wrestle with thisand try and.
Um, you know, I have respect forthem being so good to me and
saying, please don't worry aboutit.
Like, get yourself well, let meknow if I can help.
Um, yeah, and it can seem odd topeople who don't experience it
(26:30):
like I do that whole thing oflike, how could I be really
depressed yesterday?
And then, all right, today, thatis honestly how I am.
Like it's.
Mad, right?
Like people are like whenthey're depressed, they have
depression for like two weeks ortwo months or a year.
My kind of type of depressionand I definitely think I suffer,
(26:50):
I would say I do struggle andsuffer with depression is very
rapid cycling.
Um, yeah.
So give yourself grace, youknow, if you are going through
this at the minute, and I'lldefinitely try and name this
podcast episode something arounddepression so people can find
it.
Um, depression looks differentfor all of us.
(27:11):
Um, please give yourself grace.
Please know that you're notalone.
Please know that you are, areworth a lot.
You are worthy.
Whether you are successful in abusiness, whether you have all
the trappings of what weconsider success nowadays, you
know, you are innately worthy.
Just hang on and, um, I loveyou.
(27:34):
I'm gonna end it there.
Um.
I hope this episode reachessomebody.
Follow me on Instagram, drop mea note at Rachel Brady Yoga.
I love hearing from people.
The other day I got a messagefrom someone on.
Instagram and she said somethinglike, five years ago I watched
your video on YouTube aboutProlactinoma and now I've got
two twins sat with me.
(27:55):
Uh, because you shared thatvideo.
I went to my doctor and said,have I got a prolactinoma?
'cause I can't get pregnant.
And they, and they found it.
And now I've got two kids here,so that's amazing.
Uh, and.
And just like, I just feel likeif you, if what you make touches
one person, then that's frickingpowerful I think.
Um, okay.
I'm gonna leave it there becauseI'm not far away from my yoga
(28:18):
class, so, uh, lots of love.
Alright, bye.