September 21, 2025 • 24 mins
To become a client, visit me at catiaholm.com or leave an anonymous question for the show by calling or texting 956-249-7930.
Mental wellness requires an anchor deeper than our fleeting emotions, and living by our values provides the stability we need to navigate life's challenges with integrity and purpose.
• Values are steady qualities we want to embody, while feelings are temporary messages from our body and brain
• Research shows people who live aligned with their values report higher life satisfaction, lower anxiety, and greater resilience
• The affect heuristic makes us decide based on momentary feelings, but psychological flexibility allows us to pause and choose our response
• Asking "what would my wisest self do here?" helps bridge the gap between emotional reactions and value-aligned choices
• Small steps like visual reminders, pre-planning for difficult situations, and self-compassion after mistakes help integrate values into daily life
• Treating emotions like rainwater that needs to flow through you prevents them from becoming stagnant and problematic
• Living from values creates a strong foundation that helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react chaotically to life's challenges
If Couch Time with Cat has been meaningful to you, please subscribe, rate and leave a review. It helps others find us and grows this community of care.
Couch Time with Cat isn’t therapy—it’s real conversation designed to support your journey alongside any personal or professional help you're receiving. If you're in emotional crisis or need immediate support, please get in touch with a professional or reach out to a 24/7 helpline like:
- US: 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
- UK: Samaritans at 116 123
- Australia: Lifeline at 13 11 14
- Or find local resources through findahelpline.com
You’re not alone. Let’s take this one honest conversation at a time.
Follow the show and share it with someone who’s ready for healing, hope, and a more empowered way forward.
Show hosted by:
Catia Hernandez Holm, LMFT-A
Supervised by Susan Gonzales, LMFT-S, LPC-S
You can connect with Catia at couchtimewithcat.com
and
To become a client visit- catiaholm.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place for
real conversation and a gentlecheck-in.
Kwvh presents Couch Time withCat.
Hi friends, and welcome toCouch Time with Cat.
Mental wellness with a friendlyvoice.
I'm Cat therapist, best-sellingauthor, tedx speaker and
endurance athlete.
But most of all, I'm a wife,mama and someone who deeply
(00:24):
believes that people are goodand healing is possible.
Here in the hill country ofWimberley, texas, I've built my
life and practice around onepurpose To make mental wellness
feel accessible, compassionateand real.
This show is for those momentswhen life feels heavy, when
you're craving clarity or whenyou just need to hear you're not
(00:46):
alone.
Each week, we'll explore theterrain of mental wellness
through stories, reflections,research and tools you can bring
into everyday life.
Think of it as a conversationbetween friends, rooted in
science, guided by heart andgrounded in the belief that
healing does not have to feelclinical.
It can feel like sitting on acouch with someone who gets it.
(01:07):
So, whether you're driving,walking, cooking or simply
catching your breath, you'rewelcome here.
This is your space to feel seen, supported and reminded of your
own strength.
I'm so glad you're here.
Let's dive in.
Today, we're going to talk aboutsomething fundamental,
something that can reshape howyou move through the world.
(01:27):
We're exploring what it meansto live by your values and not
just your feelings.
And if you hear a little extrarustling in the background, know
that I have my 11 week oldpuppy with me.
His name is Chip and he's beingextra puppyish today.
(01:48):
Here's why living by our valuesmatters.
We live in a culture that oftenglorifies feelings.
Follow your gut, do what feelsgood, trust your emotions.
And yes, feelings are powerfulmessengers.
They tell us when something'soff, when something matters.
But if we let them sit in thedriver's seat, our lives can
(02:13):
start to look more like a seriesof reactions than a story of
intention.
Think about it.
Have you ever made a decisionin a moment of frustration, fear
or exhaustion and laterregretted it?
I know I have.
Have you ever let anxiety stopyou from showing up or let the
(02:50):
anger push you into words?
You didn't mean we all have,because feelings are fleeting
their weather systems, passingthrough.
If we build our lives on them,we end up tossed around unstable
and reactive.
Values, on the other hand, aresteady.
(03:11):
They're like the stars in thenight sky always there even when
the clouds drift in.
Living by your values ischoosing direction over impulse,
alignment over reaction.
It's about asking who do I wantto be, not just what do I want
to feel like right now.
So in today's episode, we'llunpack what values really are,
(03:34):
how to identify them and whythey matter so deeply for mental
health.
We'll talk about the science,the psychology and the lived
experience of anchoring invalues, and I'll walk you
through some practices to helpyou bring this home into your
daily life.
This isn't about ignoring yourfeelings I love feelings, god
(04:00):
knows I do but it's abouthonoring them as guests, while
letting your values steer theship, because when we live by
values, we live with integrity,clarity and resilience, even
when life gets messy.
You're listening to Couch Timewith Cat and I'm Cat and today
(04:23):
we're talking about the practiceof choosing values as your
compass, instead of being pulledaround by the changing tides of
emotion.
Feelings are temporary.
They rise, they fall.
So let's talk about what arefeelings versus what are values.
(04:43):
Feelings are signals, messagesfrom the body and brain.
Joy, fear, frustration,excitement they're all part of
being human.
But here's the catch Feelingsaren't facts and they're not
always wise guides.
On the other hand, values arethe qualities we want to embody.
(05:08):
They're not goals and they'renot about success, they're about
direction.
Russ Harris, who wrote theHappiness Trap, describes values
as desired qualities of action.
They're how you want to show upin the world.
(05:28):
Here's a quick story.
One time I had a really toughday back-to-back sessions, a
looming deadline, and I waswiped.
I mean, I was just so exhausted.
My feelings were loud Cancelthe plans, crawl into bed, shut
out the world.
I'm sure you've had a day ortwo like that also, but one of
(05:57):
my core values is connection.
I'd promised a friend we'dcatch up, and as much as I
wanted to bail, I chose to showup with honesty and boundaries.
I just told her listen, I loveyou, I'm here, I want to hang
out with you, but I am so wipedand I won't be able to stay
really late.
So it was a way to kind ofbalance both.
(06:19):
And you know what?
The coffee that we sharedshifted everything.
Not because I forced myself,but because I remembered who I
wanted to be.
Values matter, and here's whythere's a real science behind
this.
Research shows that people wholive in alignment with their
(06:43):
values report higher lifesatisfaction, lower anxiety and
greater resilience.
And isn't that what we all want?
Oh my God, let me repeat thoseagain Higher life satisfaction,
lower anxiety and greaterresilience.
What if you could walk throughyour tomorrow with those things
(07:07):
in hand?
One study even found thatvalued living not just knowing
your values, but acting on themwas a strong predictor of mental
well-being, stronger than anyone single coping skill.
I saw this movie one time and Iwish I could remember it, but I
(07:29):
don't Sorry, listener, but I doremember a line in the movie
and it has never left me.
It's probably been about 15years since I saw it, and the
line in the movie was you can'tbe noble in thought and not in
action.
And that was so illuminatingfor me.
(07:51):
We cannot be noble in thoughtand not in action.
There's real science behindthis.
Research shows that people wholive in alignment with their
values report higher lifesatisfaction, lower anxiety and
greater resilience.
I'm going to repeat those againbecause they sound incredible
(08:16):
Higher life satisfaction, loweranxiety and greater resilience.
Wouldn't it be amazing to walkthrough your tomorrow with those
three things?
One study even found thatvalued living not just knowing
your values, but acting on themwas a stronger predictor of
(08:38):
mental well-being than anysingle coping skill.
Neuroscience backs it up too.
When we make value-aligneddecisions, our brain's reward
system lights up like aChristmas tree.
It reinforces motivation andgives us a quiet sense of peace,
(08:59):
even if the choice was hard.
And here's another nugget whenwe live out of sync with our
values, it creates internalfriction, what psychologists
call cognitive dissonance.
That's the guilt, the regret,the ache we feel when we know
(09:20):
we're acting out of character.
Our bodies are wise and theyknow so.
The bigger the gap between whoyou are and who you want to be,
the greater the guilt.
The greater the shame, thegreater the pain.
(09:41):
The real trick is to makedecisions that get you further
along the path, where yourinsides match your outsides,
where your insides match youroutsides, so where you are an
aligned person at the coffeeshop with your kiddos, with your
partner at work.
Let's go to the decision makingprocess.
(10:04):
So reaction versus response.
Let's talk about how this showsup in real life.
Let's talk about how this showsup in real life.
There is something called theaffect heuristic.
It's a fancy term that means wetend to make decisions based on
how we feel in the moment.
(10:26):
If we're anxious, we might avoidsomething.
If we're, we might leap beforewe look.
But what if we could pause justfor a beat and ask what would
my values choose here?
That's what psychologicalflexibility is all about the
(10:49):
ability to notice our thoughtsand feelings without being ruled
by them.
A question I offer clients andmyself sometimes is what would
my wisest self do here?
So not the part of me that'sscared or not the part of me
(11:11):
that's overwhelmed, but the wiseone, the value centered one,
because we're all going to havethis concert of voices and
emotions and sometimes we don'tget enough sleep and we're tired
, and it makes us less patient,and sometimes we're in a hurry
(11:33):
and so we may be a littleshorter to the grocery store
clerk or what have you.
But if we let those smallerparts of us choose how we're
going to react, how we're goingto be in the world, that chasm
between who we are and who wewant to be gets bigger and
bigger and bigger.
(11:53):
When we can slow down andobserve this and accept this,
that we're going to have thesedisparate parts, these parts
that are crying out forattention, these parts that
really want to react, thatreally want to throw an adult
tantrum, that really want toslam your book, that really want
to, you know, slam your.
That really want to slam yourbook that really want to, you
(12:14):
know, slam your laptop and leavethe meeting or whatever it is.
We all have those parts, to besure.
The trick is accepting thoseparts, acknowledging them,
thanking them, having them,having compassion for them,
saying thank you for trying tostick up for me, but you know
(12:36):
what?
I've got this and who's the I?
That's your wise self, yourvalue-centered self.
How about we do a little guidedpractice?
How does that sound?
We're going to take a momentand clarify our values.
So if you are in a place whereyou can grab a piece of paper
(12:58):
and a pen, maybe you're going totake some notes on your phone
or type something onto yourcomputer.
And if you're driving, don't doany of those things, just
listen and come back to the show.
If you're in a space where youcan close your eyes and take a
deep breath, you're going toinhale through your nose, exhale
(13:18):
through your mouth.
I want you to do it again thistime.
I want your belly to go softlike a balloon.
So you're going to inhalethrough your nose and then I
want you to exhale.
When you exhale, I want you tolet your belly go soft like a
balloon and just kind of feelthat ease, your belly expanding
(13:43):
and feeling really comfortable.
Now that you're in your body,your shoulders are maybe a
little more relaxed.
Ask yourself gently what trulymatters to me.
Is it kindness, honesty,playfulness, faith, service?
(14:07):
Maybe what matters to you isgrowth or rest, creativity or
family.
Try to name three to fivevalues that feel true for you,
not what you think you shouldvalue, but what resonates deeply
(14:30):
.
You're probably not going tosay the fanciest car on the
block or being the best dressed.
I have an inkling that you'regoing to say something more
foundational, because that'swhat we crave.
We crave these values that helpus.
(14:51):
Crave these values that help usbecome who we're meant to be.
So name three to five valuesthat feel true for you, and now
pick one and let it rise to thesurface.
Hold it there.
So I'm going to choose.
I'm going to choose surfservice.
I was going to say surface.
I'm going to choose service.
(15:12):
I was going to say surface.
I'm going to choose service andlet it rise to the surface.
How about that?
Okay, so breathe it in.
I'm going to think aboutservice.
How do I want to be of servicein my life?
Okay.
Next, ask yourself if I lived 1%more by this value today.
(15:36):
What might change?
Okay, 1%, that's not that much,right?
Okay?
So how can I be more of service?
I can hold the door open forpeople more.
I can offer help withsomebody's groceries.
I can bring my neighbor's trashbins in just because I'm trying
(15:56):
to be nice or, you know, showkindness or gratitude.
I can write a handwritten thankyou note.
Yes, I'm going to do that forsure.
I can bake a dozen cookies fora coworker.
This is how I can be of serviceand just shift that needle one
percent more.
(16:18):
Maybe for you it's choosing tospeak kindly or turning off your
phone and being present withyour child, or letting yourself
rest without guilt.
That's values-based living.
Guilt, that's values-basedliving.
(16:39):
Maybe it's deciding that you'renot going to lose your temper
anymore because you valuepatience over perfection.
Maybe you value patience andperfection just doesn't do it
for you anymore.
At least the reaching for the,striving for the stressing out
when things don't go just rightGosh, that can be exhausting.
(17:03):
We can live our values in small, brave steps.
Living your values doesn't meanperfection.
It means returning again andagain.
Here are a few ways to begin.
You can set reminders so youcan write your top value on a
(17:30):
sticky note, put it on yourmirror and let it nudge you.
You can pre-plan.
Before a hard conversation, askyourself how can I embody
courage and care?
Maybe one of your values isconnection and you know that.
(17:51):
Going into a hard conversation.
So during that hardconversation, you're not going
to try to win, you're not goingto try to belittle anybody,
you're not going to try to endup the right one, quote, unquote
.
If your value is connection,you're going to go into that
hard conversation with morehumility, a listening ear, and
(18:17):
really try to understand whatyour friend is saying or what
your spouse is saying or whatyour kid is saying, without
trying to get your point acrossor, after a mistake, offer
yourself grace.
Maybe one of your values isfaithfulness and maybe you've
(18:39):
lost your faith along the way.
I think that's happened to usall sometimes.
Instead of being mean toyourself, instead of shaming
yourself for losing your faithalong the way, try, just try,
(19:00):
offering yourself grace andasking yourself how can I return
to alignment, how can I returnto my values?
So you're not then piling onshame and guilt and anger on top
of the misalignment.
You're addressing themisalignment.
You're saying, okay, time tocome back to center.
It's actually a much moreeffective and efficient way to
(19:25):
do it.
We've all had that mean highschool coach or maybe it's a
sports coach, maybe not highschool but we've all had a mean
coach before who yells at us andbelittles us and uses that kind
of mean, centered motivation,fear-based motivation, and that
may work in the short term, butthat is not leadership and that
(19:51):
is not what works in the longterm.
If you look at any of the elitecoaches Phil Jackson, pete
Carroll, julie Foudy thesepeople lead with a good heart,
with with motivation, with apositive spirit.
(20:11):
They lead with a way to get thebest and most out of their
athletes in the most sustainableway.
And it's not by being mean,it's by saying okay, let's work
on fundamentals.
And here we are, and back andback and back.
If you pile shame, guilt andanger on top of the misalignment
(20:32):
, you're going to staymisaligned for much, much longer
.
So if you've been being mean toyourself when you act out of
your values, I want to encourageyou to let that meanness go.
You no longer need to be a meancoach to yourself.
You can be Phil Jackson toyourself.
(20:53):
Guys, I was raised in the 90swith two younger brothers.
So this is my coachingreference, phil Jackson.
And when big feelings come andthey will give yourself a chance
for success.
And what does that mean?
Take a pause, thank youremotions, thank your feelings,
(21:16):
let them move through and thenreturn to your compass.
Feelings, emotions these areenergy in motion.
They need to have a place tomove through, just like
(21:56):
beautiful rainwater.
When beautiful rainwater hits apoth, any of the creeks here in
the hill country, that water islife-giving.
It changes the environment forthe turtles and the fish habitat
and the trees.
And so think of feelings likerainwater.
For them to be life-giving,they need to move through you,
through like beautiful riverwater.
If they sit and stay stagnant,they will metastasize and create
(22:21):
problems for you.
As we close today, I want toleave you with this.
Close today, I want to leaveyou with this Feelings are like
weather or water, or water andweather.
They shift, they swirl, theychange, but values values are
the stars always there, evenwhen the sky is cloudy.
(22:46):
What's one value you want tolet guide you this week?
Maybe write it down, whisper itin the mirror, share it with a
friend and remember you'reallowed to live with intention.
You're allowed to choose whoyou want to be.
(23:06):
You don't need to live inreaction to the things happening
around you.
You can choose who you are andthen respond to the things
happening around you.
When you live from a response,from that foundation, a solid
foundation of who you are, youwill be much more fulfilled with
(23:32):
your life, you'll feel steadier, you'll feel more confident,
you'll feel more able tonavigate what life throws at you
.
Because we all know we live ina chaotic time and if we're
constantly reacting to thatchaos, we too will feel chaotic.
But if we have values that wecan root in and devote ourselves
(23:56):
to, that gives us a reallystrong compass and foundation to
mix metaphors that we can livelife with.
Thank you for spending this timewith me.
If something from today'sconversation resonated, or if
you're in a season where supportwould help, visit me at
(24:17):
gathiaholmcom that'sC-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-Mcom.
You can also leave an anonymousquestion for the show by
calling or texting 956-249-7930.
I'd love to hear what's on yourheart.
If Couch Time with Cat has beenmeaningful to you, it would
mean so much if you'd subscribe,rate and leave a review.
(24:38):
It helps others find us and itgrows this community of care.
And if you know someone whoneeds a little light right now.
Send them this episode.
Remind them they're not alone.
Until next time, be gentle withyourself, keep showing up and
know I'm right here with you.
Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place for
real conversation and a gentlecheck-in.
Kwvh presents Couch Time withCat.
Hi friends, and welcome toCouch Time with Cat.
Mental wellness with a friendlyvoice.
I'm Cat therapist, best-sellingauthor, tedx speaker and
endurance athlete.
But most of all, I'm a wife,mama and someone who deeply
(00:24):
believes that people are goodand healing is possible.
Here in the hill country ofWimberley, texas, I've built my
life and practice around onepurpose To make mental wellness
feel accessible, compassionateand real.
This show is for those momentswhen life feels heavy, when
you're craving clarity or whenyou just need to hear you're not
(00:46):
alone.
Each week, we'll explore theterrain of mental wellness
through stories, reflections,research and tools you can bring
into everyday life.
Think of it as a conversationbetween friends, rooted in
science, guided by heart andgrounded in the belief that
healing does not have to feelclinical.
It can feel like sitting on acouch with someone who gets it.
(01:07):
So, whether you're driving,walking, cooking or simply
catching your breath, you'rewelcome here.
This is your space to feel seen, supported and reminded of your
own strength.
I'm so glad you're here.
Let's dive in.
Today, we're going to talk aboutsomething fundamental,
something that can reshape howyou move through the world.
(01:27):
We're exploring what it meansto live by your values and not
just your feelings.
And if you hear a little extrarustling in the background, know
that I have my 11 week oldpuppy with me.
His name is Chip and he's beingextra puppyish today.
(01:48):
Here's why living by our valuesmatters.
We live in a culture that oftenglorifies feelings.
Follow your gut, do what feelsgood, trust your emotions.
And yes, feelings are powerfulmessengers.
They tell us when something'soff, when something matters.
But if we let them sit in thedriver's seat, our lives can
(02:13):
start to look more like a seriesof reactions than a story of
intention.
Think about it.
Have you ever made a decisionin a moment of frustration, fear
or exhaustion and laterregretted it?
I know I have.
Have you ever let anxiety stopyou from showing up or let the
(02:50):
anger push you into words?
You didn't mean we all have,because feelings are fleeting
their weather systems, passingthrough.
If we build our lives on them,we end up tossed around unstable
and reactive.
Values, on the other hand, aresteady.
(03:11):
They're like the stars in thenight sky always there even when
the clouds drift in.
Living by your values ischoosing direction over impulse,
alignment over reaction.
It's about asking who do I wantto be, not just what do I want
to feel like right now.
So in today's episode, we'llunpack what values really are,
(03:34):
how to identify them and whythey matter so deeply for mental
health.
We'll talk about the science,the psychology and the lived
experience of anchoring invalues, and I'll walk you
through some practices to helpyou bring this home into your
daily life.
This isn't about ignoring yourfeelings I love feelings, god
(04:00):
knows I do but it's abouthonoring them as guests, while
letting your values steer theship, because when we live by
values, we live with integrity,clarity and resilience, even
when life gets messy.
You're listening to Couch Timewith Cat and I'm Cat and today
(04:23):
we're talking about the practiceof choosing values as your
compass, instead of being pulledaround by the changing tides of
emotion.
Feelings are temporary.
They rise, they fall.
So let's talk about what arefeelings versus what are values.
(04:43):
Feelings are signals, messagesfrom the body and brain.
Joy, fear, frustration,excitement they're all part of
being human.
But here's the catch Feelingsaren't facts and they're not
always wise guides.
On the other hand, values arethe qualities we want to embody.
(05:08):
They're not goals and they'renot about success, they're about
direction.
Russ Harris, who wrote theHappiness Trap, describes values
as desired qualities of action.
They're how you want to show upin the world.
(05:28):
Here's a quick story.
One time I had a really toughday back-to-back sessions, a
looming deadline, and I waswiped.
I mean, I was just so exhausted.
My feelings were loud Cancelthe plans, crawl into bed, shut
out the world.
I'm sure you've had a day ortwo like that also, but one of
(05:57):
my core values is connection.
I'd promised a friend we'dcatch up, and as much as I
wanted to bail, I chose to showup with honesty and boundaries.
I just told her listen, I loveyou, I'm here, I want to hang
out with you, but I am so wipedand I won't be able to stay
really late.
So it was a way to kind ofbalance both.
(06:19):
And you know what?
The coffee that we sharedshifted everything.
Not because I forced myself,but because I remembered who I
wanted to be.
Values matter, and here's whythere's a real science behind
this.
Research shows that people wholive in alignment with their
(06:43):
values report higher lifesatisfaction, lower anxiety and
greater resilience.
And isn't that what we all want?
Oh my God, let me repeat thoseagain Higher life satisfaction,
lower anxiety and greaterresilience.
What if you could walk throughyour tomorrow with those things
(07:07):
in hand?
One study even found thatvalued living not just knowing
your values, but acting on themwas a strong predictor of mental
well-being, stronger than anyone single coping skill.
I saw this movie one time and Iwish I could remember it, but I
(07:29):
don't Sorry, listener, but I doremember a line in the movie
and it has never left me.
It's probably been about 15years since I saw it, and the
line in the movie was you can'tbe noble in thought and not in
action.
And that was so illuminatingfor me.
(07:51):
We cannot be noble in thoughtand not in action.
There's real science behindthis.
Research shows that people wholive in alignment with their
values report higher lifesatisfaction, lower anxiety and
greater resilience.
I'm going to repeat those againbecause they sound incredible
(08:16):
Higher life satisfaction, loweranxiety and greater resilience.
Wouldn't it be amazing to walkthrough your tomorrow with those
three things?
One study even found thatvalued living not just knowing
your values, but acting on themwas a stronger predictor of
(08:38):
mental well-being than anysingle coping skill.
Neuroscience backs it up too.
When we make value-aligneddecisions, our brain's reward
system lights up like aChristmas tree.
It reinforces motivation andgives us a quiet sense of peace,
(08:59):
even if the choice was hard.
And here's another nugget whenwe live out of sync with our
values, it creates internalfriction, what psychologists
call cognitive dissonance.
That's the guilt, the regret,the ache we feel when we know
(09:20):
we're acting out of character.
Our bodies are wise and theyknow so.
The bigger the gap between whoyou are and who you want to be,
the greater the guilt.
The greater the shame, thegreater the pain.
(09:41):
The real trick is to makedecisions that get you further
along the path, where yourinsides match your outsides,
where your insides match youroutsides, so where you are an
aligned person at the coffeeshop with your kiddos, with your
partner at work.
Let's go to the decision makingprocess.
(10:04):
So reaction versus response.
Let's talk about how this showsup in real life.
Let's talk about how this showsup in real life.
There is something called theaffect heuristic.
It's a fancy term that means wetend to make decisions based on
how we feel in the moment.
(10:26):
If we're anxious, we might avoidsomething.
If we're, we might leap beforewe look.
But what if we could pause justfor a beat and ask what would
my values choose here?
That's what psychologicalflexibility is all about the
(10:49):
ability to notice our thoughtsand feelings without being ruled
by them.
A question I offer clients andmyself sometimes is what would
my wisest self do here?
So not the part of me that'sscared or not the part of me
(11:11):
that's overwhelmed, but the wiseone, the value centered one,
because we're all going to havethis concert of voices and
emotions and sometimes we don'tget enough sleep and we're tired
, and it makes us less patient,and sometimes we're in a hurry
(11:33):
and so we may be a littleshorter to the grocery store
clerk or what have you.
But if we let those smallerparts of us choose how we're
going to react, how we're goingto be in the world, that chasm
between who we are and who wewant to be gets bigger and
bigger and bigger.
(11:53):
When we can slow down andobserve this and accept this,
that we're going to have thesedisparate parts, these parts
that are crying out forattention, these parts that
really want to react, thatreally want to throw an adult
tantrum, that really want toslam your book, that really want
to, you know, slam your.
That really want to slam yourbook that really want to, you
(12:14):
know, slam your laptop and leavethe meeting or whatever it is.
We all have those parts, to besure.
The trick is accepting thoseparts, acknowledging them,
thanking them, having them,having compassion for them,
saying thank you for trying tostick up for me, but you know
(12:36):
what?
I've got this and who's the I?
That's your wise self, yourvalue-centered self.
How about we do a little guidedpractice?
How does that sound?
We're going to take a momentand clarify our values.
So if you are in a place whereyou can grab a piece of paper
(12:58):
and a pen, maybe you're going totake some notes on your phone
or type something onto yourcomputer.
And if you're driving, don't doany of those things, just
listen and come back to the show.
If you're in a space where youcan close your eyes and take a
deep breath, you're going toinhale through your nose, exhale
(13:18):
through your mouth.
I want you to do it again thistime.
I want your belly to go softlike a balloon.
So you're going to inhalethrough your nose and then I
want you to exhale.
When you exhale, I want you tolet your belly go soft like a
balloon and just kind of feelthat ease, your belly expanding
(13:43):
and feeling really comfortable.
Now that you're in your body,your shoulders are maybe a
little more relaxed.
Ask yourself gently what trulymatters to me.
Is it kindness, honesty,playfulness, faith, service?
(14:07):
Maybe what matters to you isgrowth or rest, creativity or
family.
Try to name three to fivevalues that feel true for you,
not what you think you shouldvalue, but what resonates deeply
(14:30):
.
You're probably not going tosay the fanciest car on the
block or being the best dressed.
I have an inkling that you'regoing to say something more
foundational, because that'swhat we crave.
We crave these values that helpus.
(14:51):
Crave these values that help usbecome who we're meant to be.
So name three to five valuesthat feel true for you, and now
pick one and let it rise to thesurface.
Hold it there.
So I'm going to choose.
I'm going to choose surfservice.
I was going to say surface.
I'm going to choose service.
(15:12):
I was going to say surface.
I'm going to choose service andlet it rise to the surface.
How about that?
Okay, so breathe it in.
I'm going to think aboutservice.
How do I want to be of servicein my life?
Okay.
Next, ask yourself if I lived 1%more by this value today.
(15:36):
What might change?
Okay, 1%, that's not that much,right?
Okay?
So how can I be more of service?
I can hold the door open forpeople more.
I can offer help withsomebody's groceries.
I can bring my neighbor's trashbins in just because I'm trying
(15:56):
to be nice or, you know, showkindness or gratitude.
I can write a handwritten thankyou note.
Yes, I'm going to do that forsure.
I can bake a dozen cookies fora coworker.
This is how I can be of serviceand just shift that needle one
percent more.
(16:18):
Maybe for you it's choosing tospeak kindly or turning off your
phone and being present withyour child, or letting yourself
rest without guilt.
That's values-based living.
Guilt, that's values-basedliving.
(16:39):
Maybe it's deciding that you'renot going to lose your temper
anymore because you valuepatience over perfection.
Maybe you value patience andperfection just doesn't do it
for you anymore.
At least the reaching for the,striving for the stressing out
when things don't go just rightGosh, that can be exhausting.
(17:03):
We can live our values in small, brave steps.
Living your values doesn't meanperfection.
It means returning again andagain.
Here are a few ways to begin.
You can set reminders so youcan write your top value on a
(17:30):
sticky note, put it on yourmirror and let it nudge you.
You can pre-plan.
Before a hard conversation, askyourself how can I embody
courage and care?
Maybe one of your values isconnection and you know that.
(17:51):
Going into a hard conversation.
So during that hardconversation, you're not going
to try to win, you're not goingto try to belittle anybody,
you're not going to try to endup the right one, quote, unquote
.
If your value is connection,you're going to go into that
hard conversation with morehumility, a listening ear, and
(18:17):
really try to understand whatyour friend is saying or what
your spouse is saying or whatyour kid is saying, without
trying to get your point acrossor, after a mistake, offer
yourself grace.
Maybe one of your values isfaithfulness and maybe you've
(18:39):
lost your faith along the way.
I think that's happened to usall sometimes.
Instead of being mean toyourself, instead of shaming
yourself for losing your faithalong the way, try, just try,
(19:00):
offering yourself grace andasking yourself how can I return
to alignment, how can I returnto my values?
So you're not then piling onshame and guilt and anger on top
of the misalignment.
You're addressing themisalignment.
You're saying, okay, time tocome back to center.
It's actually a much moreeffective and efficient way to
(19:25):
do it.
We've all had that mean highschool coach or maybe it's a
sports coach, maybe not highschool but we've all had a mean
coach before who yells at us andbelittles us and uses that kind
of mean, centered motivation,fear-based motivation, and that
may work in the short term, butthat is not leadership and that
(19:51):
is not what works in the longterm.
If you look at any of the elitecoaches Phil Jackson, pete
Carroll, julie Foudy thesepeople lead with a good heart,
with with motivation, with apositive spirit.
(20:11):
They lead with a way to get thebest and most out of their
athletes in the most sustainableway.
And it's not by being mean,it's by saying okay, let's work
on fundamentals.
And here we are, and back andback and back.
If you pile shame, guilt andanger on top of the misalignment
(20:32):
, you're going to staymisaligned for much, much longer
.
So if you've been being mean toyourself when you act out of
your values, I want to encourageyou to let that meanness go.
You no longer need to be a meancoach to yourself.
You can be Phil Jackson toyourself.
(20:53):
Guys, I was raised in the 90swith two younger brothers.
So this is my coachingreference, phil Jackson.
And when big feelings come andthey will give yourself a chance
for success.
And what does that mean?
Take a pause, thank youremotions, thank your feelings,
(21:16):
let them move through and thenreturn to your compass.
Feelings, emotions these areenergy in motion.
They need to have a place tomove through, just like
(21:56):
beautiful rainwater.
When beautiful rainwater hits apoth, any of the creeks here in
the hill country, that water islife-giving.
It changes the environment forthe turtles and the fish habitat
and the trees.
And so think of feelings likerainwater.
For them to be life-giving,they need to move through you,
through like beautiful riverwater.
If they sit and stay stagnant,they will metastasize and create
(22:21):
problems for you.
As we close today, I want toleave you with this.
Close today, I want to leaveyou with this Feelings are like
weather or water, or water andweather.
They shift, they swirl, theychange, but values values are
the stars always there, evenwhen the sky is cloudy.
(22:46):
What's one value you want tolet guide you this week?
Maybe write it down, whisper itin the mirror, share it with a
friend and remember you'reallowed to live with intention.
You're allowed to choose whoyou want to be.
(23:06):
You don't need to live inreaction to the things happening
around you.
You can choose who you are andthen respond to the things
happening around you.
When you live from a response,from that foundation, a solid
foundation of who you are, youwill be much more fulfilled with
(23:32):
your life, you'll feel steadier, you'll feel more confident,
you'll feel more able tonavigate what life throws at you
.
Because we all know we live ina chaotic time and if we're
constantly reacting to thatchaos, we too will feel chaotic.
But if we have values that wecan root in and devote ourselves
(23:56):
to, that gives us a reallystrong compass and foundation to
mix metaphors that we can livelife with.
Thank you for spending this timewith me.
If something from today'sconversation resonated, or if
you're in a season where supportwould help, visit me at
(24:17):
gathiaholmcom that'sC-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-Mcom.
You can also leave an anonymousquestion for the show by
calling or texting 956-249-7930.
I'd love to hear what's on yourheart.
If Couch Time with Cat has beenmeaningful to you, it would
mean so much if you'd subscribe,rate and leave a review.
(24:38):
It helps others find us and itgrows this community of care.
And if you know someone whoneeds a little light right now.
Send them this episode.
Remind them they're not alone.
Until next time, be gentle withyourself, keep showing up and
know I'm right here with you.
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