August 3, 2025 • 26 mins
Loneliness is a silent epidemic affecting millions globally, even those who appear surrounded by people and connections. Science now shows that chronic loneliness has physical health impacts equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes daily, raising risks of depression, anxiety, heart disease, and even dementia.
• 16% of people globally report feeling lonely, with higher rates among young adults 18-24
• Loneliness isn't about being alone—it's about not feeling seen, understood, or valued
• We live in an era of being "alone together"—connected through technology but disconnected emotionally
• Our bodies and brains constantly communicate, making loneliness both an emotional and physical health issue
• Connection through community involvement and volunteering provides both purpose and healing
• Micro-connections like making eye contact with a barista or texting a friend can make meaningful differences
• Joining community groups, clubs, or classes—even monthly—can shift your sense of belonging
• "We are wounded in connection and we heal in connection"
If this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to rate, review, and share it with a friend. These stories matter. Your voice matters.
Couch Time with Cat isn’t therapy—it’s real conversation designed to support your journey alongside any personal or professional help you're receiving. If you're in emotional crisis or need immediate support, please get in touch with a professional or reach out to a 24/7 helpline like:
- US: 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
- UK: Samaritans at 116 123
- Australia: Lifeline at 13 11 14
- Or find local resources through findahelpline.com
You’re not alone. Let’s take this one honest conversation at a time.
Follow the show and share it with someone who’s ready for healing, hope, and a more empowered way forward.
Show hosted by:
Catia Hernandez Holm, LMFT-A
Supervised by Susan Gonzales, LMFT-S, LPC-S
You can connect with Catia at couchtimewithcat.com
and
To become a client visit- catiaholm.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 00 (00:00):
Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place
for real conversation and agentle check-in.
KWVH presents Couch Time withCat.
Hi, I'm Cat, trauma therapist,coach, TEDx speaker, bestselling
author, and your host here onCouch Time with Cat.
I've spent over a decadewalking alongside people through
(00:21):
the real, raw, and sacred workof becoming whole again.
Couch Time with Cat, mentalwellness with a friendly voice,
is where we have conversationsthat are equal parts science and
soul.
This is where we get honestabout anxiety, grief, burnout,
relationships, and the braveeveryday work of healing.
You don't have to have it allfigured out to belong here.
(00:42):
Whether you're tuning in rightfrom here in the hill country or
listening across the world, Iwant you to feel seen,
supported, and reminded thatyou're not alone.
So find your cozy spot, take adeep breath, and let's talk
about what it means to be humantogether.
Not long ago, I sat across froma darling friend.
(01:02):
She's successful, well-loved,always busy.
And she whispered, I don'tthink anyone really knows me.
And that moment stayed with me.
I asked her what she meant andshe said, people know what I do
and...
who my kids are and whatgrocery store I shop at, but
(01:23):
they don't really know deeperlevels about me.
They don't know where I hurtand they don't know what makes
me laugh and they don't know theanxiety that hits my thoughts
when my head hits the pillow atnight.
And I grabbed for her hand andI just hugged her and we started
(01:45):
talking about this.
And she said, I think I'mactually really lonely.
And it reminded me thatloneliness isn't about how many
people we have around us or howmany followers we have or how
many people we employ or evenhow many people are in our
family.
Loneliness is really about dowe feel seen or do we feel or
(02:10):
not?
Do we feel fully understood?
Are people sitting with us,listening to us, asking us
follow-up questions, are theyreally interested in what makes
us us?
And so today I want to ask youthe question, have you ever felt
surrounded but still feltinvisible?
(02:33):
Today we're talking aboutsomething quietly affecting so
many of us, even when we don'trealize it, and that's
loneliness.
Let's start with some context.
Did you know the World HealthOrganization reports that about
16% of people globally feellonely?
(02:56):
And among young people, thenumbers are even higher.
In the U.S., one in five adultsreport feeling lonely every
day.
That's a lot of hearts walkingaround with an ache they can't
name.
But naming it is how we starthealing it.
(03:17):
When we think about loneliness,we might think of sadness or
being alone.
But loneliness is a healthissue also.
As we learn more, science tellsus that our brain sends
information to our body and ourbody sends information to our
(03:37):
brain.
And it's this two lane roadwhere we're constantly
exchanging information.
And so it's no surprise that ifour brain head and heart feel
lonely, that that's going tohave a direct effect on our
physiology, on our bodies, onwhether we are healthy or not.
(03:59):
Science tells us that chronicloneliness raises the risk of
depression, anxiety, and evensuicidality.
The S word, that's a big word.
That could be really scary tohear.
But a lot of people arethinking about it.
(04:21):
A lot of people go through it.
And a lot of people get soalone and so isolated that
sometimes this seems like adecent option.
And of course, we never wantanybody to experience that.
We never want anybody to feelso alone that they feel like
(04:43):
that is the best option.
So in this episode, we're goingto talk about ways to support
ourselves and support oneanother through this loneliness
epidemic.
Because we're surrounded bypeople and we're surrounded by
technology and we're constantlyinteracting.
But all these interactions arevery surface level.
(05:04):
And they're not getting to theroot of who we are.
And even though we'reinteracting, we're not
connecting.
Physically, loneliness islinked to heart disease, stroke,
inflammation, and evendementia.
(05:24):
And get this, researchers saythat the impact of loneliness on
the body is similar to smoking15 cigarettes a day.
Good Lord, 15 cigarettes.
I'm old enough to remember whensmoking cigarettes was cool.
Here's a fun fact.
I tried to be cool and smokecigarettes in college, and I
(05:48):
couldn't even do it the rightway.
So that was a reallyshort-lived phase.
But as we all know, smokingcigarettes, although fun and
cool for the Marlboro Man, isnot healthy for our bodies.
So in the way that cigarettescan shorten our life, so can
loneliness.
But numbers don't tell thewhole story.
(06:10):
As we know, what does itactually feel like to carry that
kind of quiet pain day afterday?
So if our brain is informingour body and our body is
informing our brain, let's takea minute and kind of do a body
(06:32):
scan.
Let's take a minute and dropinto our bodies.
What does it mean to drop intoour body?
So often our energy isprojected outward, and we're not
really paying attention to howour body is feeling.
Is it feeling contracted?
Do we feel tight?
(06:53):
Do we feel cold?
Do we feel tense, right?
Do we have a pulled muscle?
These are ways your body feelson the inside.
And forgive this crass example,but it's a really effective
example.
If you have to go to thebathroom, how do you know?
(07:13):
How do you know you have to goto the bathroom?
You know because there's aninternal sensation.
And just the way you havepracticed paying attention to
that internal sensation andfollowing through with that
internal sensation We can takethat energy, we can take that
same template and really payattention to what's happening in
(07:35):
our body in terms of ourfeelings.
So what does loneliness feellike in your body?
Is there an ache in your heart?
Is there a tenseness in yourchest?
When you're alone and you feelalone, what is happening inside
your body?
Maybe something's happening inyour chest or your belly or your
(08:00):
throat.
Have you ever had a lump inyour throat and not known
exactly why that was there?
You know you don't feel good,but you can't exactly pinpoint
why you don't feel good.
When was the last time you feltdeeply connected to somebody?
(08:24):
You can contrast that feelingof feeling deeply connected to
the feeling of not necessarilydisconnection, but I'm even
going to say floating.
Sometimes we're so busy that wefloat through our life without
actually grounding down andfeeling really connected.
(08:46):
A few episodes back, my bestfriend, Melissa Correa, she
interviewed me for episode oneand two.
Go back and check those out.
And she asked me, what is yourgoal, your dream for this show?
And I said, my dream for thisshow is that it increases
connection, that people feelseen, and that they feel more
(09:12):
connected with friends andfamily in their life so that
they can feel uplifted and dolife in a more fulfilling way so
they can experience potlucknight and card game night and
friday night lights togetherbecause when we do it together
it's so rewarding and fulfillingand we feel like we matter to
(09:39):
somebody and they matter to usand that creates a richness and
a texture in our life that wedon't get when we are doing
things alone It's easy to assumeloneliness only affects a
certain kind of person, but thedata tells a more complex story.
(10:02):
Young adults ages 18 to 24report the highest levels of
loneliness, more than retireeseven.
And if I had to guess, and ifyou had to guess, what would you
say?
My guess is that The moreinvolved we are with our phones,
(10:25):
with technology, that the lessconnected we are to those around
us.
All this technology is createdto get our attention, the
attention economy.
It's created to keep usinteracting with it and not
(10:48):
interacting with other things.
And it's very good.
It's very powerful.
So battling our phones and thetechnology that's in our lives
is kind of like swimmingupstream.
So it's no surprise to me thatyoung adults ages 18 to 24
report the highest levels ofloneliness.
(11:09):
Additionally, marginalizedcommunities face even higher
rates.
Because when you feel like youridentity isn't seen, accepted,
appreciated, or safe in theworld, disconnection grows.
The separation between you andthe other person grows.
If you don't think somebodyreally gets you or somebody
(11:32):
understands your experience orperspective, you're less likely
to even try.
And it's not just emotional.
People living in poverty orisolated rural areas often face
systemic barriers to connection.
Do you ever scroll through yourphone surrounded by updates and
(11:54):
still feel like no one wouldnotice if you disappeared for a
while?
That's the ache so many carry.
Even I have experienced thisreally interesting thought,
(12:14):
which maybe you all haveexperienced, is if I don't post
something, Did it happen?
If I don't share what ishappening in my life, do I
matter?
And so it's this contraryexperience where I want to post
(12:38):
in order to connect, but meinvolving, me using technology
to connect is actually taking mefurther away from the
connection.
So it's this contradictory,it's on the one hand this and on
the other hand this.
We've inundated ourselves withso much social media and so much
(13:02):
technology that we kind offorget what it's like to do life
without it.
Now let's talk about what'sunderneath.
There's social loneliness andNot enough friends or
interactions.
And then there's emotionalloneliness.
(13:23):
Having people around, but notfeeling truly understood or
valued.
In today's world, we'reconnected all the time, but
often in shallow ways.
We live in the era of alonetogether.
We're all just tiny littlesilos of information walking
(13:46):
around.
And we're connected to ourtechnology and devices when
before we were connected to eachother.
And in remote work, fewer thirdspaces and pandemic
aftershocks, we've lost thosespontaneous serendipitous
(14:08):
moments, the small talk at thecoffee shop, the smile on a
grocery aisle.
We've lost these small bits offriction, these small touch
points where we're in linefor...
tickets to a movie theater doyou guys remember that tickets
to a movie theater now we buytickets online they show up on
(14:31):
our phone we scan them as wewalk in it used to be you would
stand in line at the movietheater buy your ticket kind of
turn to the person behind or theperson in front say oh what are
you seeing I'm excited aboutthis what are you going to get
for a snack and so it was muchmore of a community feel and now
(14:52):
We hardly make eye contact withthe people at the movie
theater.
Sometimes there isn't evenanybody at the ticket booth.
So we're living in an era ofalone together.
But it doesn't have to be thisway.
We can absolutely make adifference.
(15:14):
We can absolutely change it.
A while back, I had a randomconversation in a coffee shop.
Blueberry Muffins And if Idon't stop and think about it, I
(15:52):
really lose sight of the factthat there are people, maybe she
worked remotely from home andthis was her only interaction of
the day with a stranger.
And that can fill us up in away that's very meaningful.
Connection doesn't always looklike deep talks or long
friendships.
Sometimes it's just being seenin the ordinary moments.
(16:18):
So what helps?
Community involvement.
For older adults, volunteeringhas been shown to lower stress
and blood pressure.
And for all of us, helpingothers gives us purpose and a
sense of belonging.
Purpose and a sense ofbelonging are gifts that keep on
(16:45):
giving.
Yes, we can listen to everypodcast under the sun about how
to optimize our health.
But if we're not connectingwith people we love, if we're
not being of service to ourcommunities, we are missing a
(17:05):
huge part of wellness.
When we give of ourselves toothers, we really get back and
we get back somethingintangible.
But that intangible thingreally lifts us up.
Social prescribing is anotherpowerful tool.
(17:29):
In the UK and Australia,doctors are writing
prescriptions for group artclasses, walking clubs, and
volunteering because they knowconnection is medicine.
With my clients, I often...
(17:50):
We often talk about how, yes,we're talking about things and
we're working through things,but there are also healing
benefits that are happening twoor three layers below the
surface.
And that's what connection doesfor us.
That's how connection heals us.
(18:11):
Often we are wounded inconnection and then we heal in
connection.
We cannot be whole and well andheal in solitude.
Peer support is just aseffective as group therapy for
(18:35):
reducing depression.
So peer support looks likechatting with your friends.
It looks like book clubs.
It looks like going on walkstogether.
It looks like barbecues in thebackyard.
And then there's nostalgia.
Revisiting old memories andmusic can boost connection, even
(18:58):
internally.
Oh man, there are these GarthBrooks songs that take me back.
And there is something thathappens inside my body.
When I'm listening to TobyKeith and Garth Brooks, I just
relax.
For those of you outside ofTexas or outside of listening to
country music, you can look upToby Keith and Garth Brooks, but
(19:20):
they shoot me back straight tohigh school.
Even my mom, when my momhears...
Excuse me.
When my mom hears I Should HaveBeen a Cowboy by Toby Keith,
she texts me and says, oh, Iremember you used to love this
song in high school.
So that connection point isbetween me and Toby Keith, me
(19:41):
and my mom, and my mom and TobyKeith.
And it keeps us just connected,which is really beautiful.
Even AI companies have shown inrecent studies to offer online
comfort and ease withloneliness, even they're looking
for ways to alleviate this withpeople, which I know is a
(20:06):
little bit contradictory to whatI'm saying.
But even they are even, eventhe thing that is keeping us
disconnected is trying toconnect us more.
Which makes me wonder, whatmight you listener prescribe
yourself to If your heart werethe patient, what would you say
(20:27):
that you need?
A phone call, maybe write a fewlines of poetry, a walk with
somebody who listens.
Maybe it's a good workout witha friend.
Maybe it's playing beach.
I said beach instead of beach,but that's okay.
Playing beach volleyball atyour local park.
(20:51):
Honestly, I thought aboutjoining the adult link.
Maybe I will.
These types of fun connectionpoints that are lighthearted and
silly, but get us out therewith our friends, our family,
and our community.
Let's make this personal.
(21:11):
Here are five gentle ways toreconnect starting today.
First, is a daily microconnection.
Text someone you've beenthinking about.
Smile at a neighbor.
Make eye contact with a baristaat your coffee shop.
(21:34):
You'd be surprised how manypeople don't make eye contact
anymore.
This is not part of theculture.
Part of our culture is to nowgaze downward at our phone and
Something I work on a lot withclients is just being
comfortable making eye contactwith people.
(21:54):
Number two, join something.
A club, a class, a communitycircle, even once a month can
shift your sense of belonging.
There are plenty of communityorganizations where They would
love your participation, yoursupport, your enthusiasm.
(22:19):
Go make your communitysomething you want to be a part
of.
Peer support.
Look for groups in your town oronline.
You are not alone in whatyou're feeling.
Professional help.
Ask your doctor or therapistabout community-based healing,
(22:44):
even if you're quote-unquotedoing okay.
This is a pretty vulnerablething to do, I will admit.
Community group and grouptherapy is pretty difficult for
a lot of people because it'sbeing vulnerable in front of
multiple people.
(23:05):
And everybody's kind of rawtogether.
And I understand how that canbe a bridge too far if you're
just getting into this space.
And lastly, introspectivepractices.
Journal about who and whatmakes you feel safe.
Explore where you might beholding back.
(23:27):
What stories did you grow upwith about being independent or
strong?
Could those be keeping you fromreaching out?
Getting to a point where we canaccept help or we're willing to
accept help can be soincredibly vulnerable.
(23:48):
But what's on the other side ofthat is true connection.
One thing I've noticed in mypractice is is people rarely
say, I feel lonely.
That's not something that justfloats to the top of our
(24:12):
thoughts very often.
What they say is, I'm tired allthe time.
I don't enjoy anything anymore.
I feel like something'smissing.
But sometimes all those thingsare pointing to to the fact that
we are disconnected, that weare lonely, and that what's
(24:36):
missing is being known.
A listener once wrote to me,I've got three kids, a partner,
a full calendar, and yet itfeels like nobody really knows
who I am.
And she sounded just like myfriend that I was talking to.
And so if that's you, Pleaseknow you are not broken.
(25:03):
You are not the only one.
And you belong here.
Maybe your next step is sendinga text or joining that group
you've been eyeing.
Or maybe it's just lettingyourself be vulnerable and
asking for help, knowing thatthis is part of connection.
(25:27):
And on the other side of askingfor help is And support and
connection is more fulfillment,more meaning, and a richer, more
textured life.
And that's a wrap on today'sepisode of Couch Time with Kat.
I'm so grateful you joined mehere.
(25:47):
Whether you were walking,driving, or curled up with a cup
of something warm, I hopetoday's conversation left you
feeling just a little moreconnected to yourself and a
little less alone in whateveryou're walking through.
If you'd like to connect withme, you can find me at
katiaholm.com.
That's C-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-M.com orover on Instagram at Katia
(26:08):
Hernandez Holm.
I'd love to hear your thoughts,your questions, or what this
episode stirred in you.
If we had a guest on today'sepisode, you can find all their
links and info in the shownotes.
Please support their work andfollow along if they resonated
with you.
And if this episode meantsomething to you, would you
please take a moment to rate,review, and share it with a
(26:29):
friend?
These stories matter.
Your voice matters.
Until next time, be kind toyourself.
Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place
for real conversation and agentle check-in.
KWVH presents Couch Time withCat.
Hi, I'm Cat, trauma therapist,coach, TEDx speaker, bestselling
author, and your host here onCouch Time with Cat.
I've spent over a decadewalking alongside people through
(00:21):
the real, raw, and sacred workof becoming whole again.
Couch Time with Cat, mentalwellness with a friendly voice,
is where we have conversationsthat are equal parts science and
soul.
This is where we get honestabout anxiety, grief, burnout,
relationships, and the braveeveryday work of healing.
You don't have to have it allfigured out to belong here.
(00:42):
Whether you're tuning in rightfrom here in the hill country or
listening across the world, Iwant you to feel seen,
supported, and reminded thatyou're not alone.
So find your cozy spot, take adeep breath, and let's talk
about what it means to be humantogether.
Not long ago, I sat across froma darling friend.
(01:02):
She's successful, well-loved,always busy.
And she whispered, I don'tthink anyone really knows me.
And that moment stayed with me.
I asked her what she meant andshe said, people know what I do
and...
who my kids are and whatgrocery store I shop at, but
(01:23):
they don't really know deeperlevels about me.
They don't know where I hurtand they don't know what makes
me laugh and they don't know theanxiety that hits my thoughts
when my head hits the pillow atnight.
And I grabbed for her hand andI just hugged her and we started
(01:45):
talking about this.
And she said, I think I'mactually really lonely.
And it reminded me thatloneliness isn't about how many
people we have around us or howmany followers we have or how
many people we employ or evenhow many people are in our
family.
Loneliness is really about dowe feel seen or do we feel or
(02:10):
not?
Do we feel fully understood?
Are people sitting with us,listening to us, asking us
follow-up questions, are theyreally interested in what makes
us us?
And so today I want to ask youthe question, have you ever felt
surrounded but still feltinvisible?
(02:33):
Today we're talking aboutsomething quietly affecting so
many of us, even when we don'trealize it, and that's
loneliness.
Let's start with some context.
Did you know the World HealthOrganization reports that about
16% of people globally feellonely?
(02:56):
And among young people, thenumbers are even higher.
In the U.S., one in five adultsreport feeling lonely every
day.
That's a lot of hearts walkingaround with an ache they can't
name.
But naming it is how we starthealing it.
(03:17):
When we think about loneliness,we might think of sadness or
being alone.
But loneliness is a healthissue also.
As we learn more, science tellsus that our brain sends
information to our body and ourbody sends information to our
(03:37):
brain.
And it's this two lane roadwhere we're constantly
exchanging information.
And so it's no surprise that ifour brain head and heart feel
lonely, that that's going tohave a direct effect on our
physiology, on our bodies, onwhether we are healthy or not.
(03:59):
Science tells us that chronicloneliness raises the risk of
depression, anxiety, and evensuicidality.
The S word, that's a big word.
That could be really scary tohear.
But a lot of people arethinking about it.
(04:21):
A lot of people go through it.
And a lot of people get soalone and so isolated that
sometimes this seems like adecent option.
And of course, we never wantanybody to experience that.
We never want anybody to feelso alone that they feel like
(04:43):
that is the best option.
So in this episode, we're goingto talk about ways to support
ourselves and support oneanother through this loneliness
epidemic.
Because we're surrounded bypeople and we're surrounded by
technology and we're constantlyinteracting.
But all these interactions arevery surface level.
(05:04):
And they're not getting to theroot of who we are.
And even though we'reinteracting, we're not
connecting.
Physically, loneliness islinked to heart disease, stroke,
inflammation, and evendementia.
(05:24):
And get this, researchers saythat the impact of loneliness on
the body is similar to smoking15 cigarettes a day.
Good Lord, 15 cigarettes.
I'm old enough to remember whensmoking cigarettes was cool.
Here's a fun fact.
I tried to be cool and smokecigarettes in college, and I
(05:48):
couldn't even do it the rightway.
So that was a reallyshort-lived phase.
But as we all know, smokingcigarettes, although fun and
cool for the Marlboro Man, isnot healthy for our bodies.
So in the way that cigarettescan shorten our life, so can
loneliness.
But numbers don't tell thewhole story.
(06:10):
As we know, what does itactually feel like to carry that
kind of quiet pain day afterday?
So if our brain is informingour body and our body is
informing our brain, let's takea minute and kind of do a body
(06:32):
scan.
Let's take a minute and dropinto our bodies.
What does it mean to drop intoour body?
So often our energy isprojected outward, and we're not
really paying attention to howour body is feeling.
Is it feeling contracted?
Do we feel tight?
(06:53):
Do we feel cold?
Do we feel tense, right?
Do we have a pulled muscle?
These are ways your body feelson the inside.
And forgive this crass example,but it's a really effective
example.
If you have to go to thebathroom, how do you know?
(07:13):
How do you know you have to goto the bathroom?
You know because there's aninternal sensation.
And just the way you havepracticed paying attention to
that internal sensation andfollowing through with that
internal sensation We can takethat energy, we can take that
same template and really payattention to what's happening in
(07:35):
our body in terms of ourfeelings.
So what does loneliness feellike in your body?
Is there an ache in your heart?
Is there a tenseness in yourchest?
When you're alone and you feelalone, what is happening inside
your body?
Maybe something's happening inyour chest or your belly or your
(08:00):
throat.
Have you ever had a lump inyour throat and not known
exactly why that was there?
You know you don't feel good,but you can't exactly pinpoint
why you don't feel good.
When was the last time you feltdeeply connected to somebody?
(08:24):
You can contrast that feelingof feeling deeply connected to
the feeling of not necessarilydisconnection, but I'm even
going to say floating.
Sometimes we're so busy that wefloat through our life without
actually grounding down andfeeling really connected.
(08:46):
A few episodes back, my bestfriend, Melissa Correa, she
interviewed me for episode oneand two.
Go back and check those out.
And she asked me, what is yourgoal, your dream for this show?
And I said, my dream for thisshow is that it increases
connection, that people feelseen, and that they feel more
(09:12):
connected with friends andfamily in their life so that
they can feel uplifted and dolife in a more fulfilling way so
they can experience potlucknight and card game night and
friday night lights togetherbecause when we do it together
it's so rewarding and fulfillingand we feel like we matter to
(09:39):
somebody and they matter to usand that creates a richness and
a texture in our life that wedon't get when we are doing
things alone It's easy to assumeloneliness only affects a
certain kind of person, but thedata tells a more complex story.
(10:02):
Young adults ages 18 to 24report the highest levels of
loneliness, more than retireeseven.
And if I had to guess, and ifyou had to guess, what would you
say?
My guess is that The moreinvolved we are with our phones,
(10:25):
with technology, that the lessconnected we are to those around
us.
All this technology is createdto get our attention, the
attention economy.
It's created to keep usinteracting with it and not
(10:48):
interacting with other things.
And it's very good.
It's very powerful.
So battling our phones and thetechnology that's in our lives
is kind of like swimmingupstream.
So it's no surprise to me thatyoung adults ages 18 to 24
report the highest levels ofloneliness.
(11:09):
Additionally, marginalizedcommunities face even higher
rates.
Because when you feel like youridentity isn't seen, accepted,
appreciated, or safe in theworld, disconnection grows.
The separation between you andthe other person grows.
If you don't think somebodyreally gets you or somebody
(11:32):
understands your experience orperspective, you're less likely
to even try.
And it's not just emotional.
People living in poverty orisolated rural areas often face
systemic barriers to connection.
Do you ever scroll through yourphone surrounded by updates and
(11:54):
still feel like no one wouldnotice if you disappeared for a
while?
That's the ache so many carry.
Even I have experienced thisreally interesting thought,
(12:14):
which maybe you all haveexperienced, is if I don't post
something, Did it happen?
If I don't share what ishappening in my life, do I
matter?
And so it's this contraryexperience where I want to post
(12:38):
in order to connect, but meinvolving, me using technology
to connect is actually taking mefurther away from the
connection.
So it's this contradictory,it's on the one hand this and on
the other hand this.
We've inundated ourselves withso much social media and so much
(13:02):
technology that we kind offorget what it's like to do life
without it.
Now let's talk about what'sunderneath.
There's social loneliness andNot enough friends or
interactions.
And then there's emotionalloneliness.
(13:23):
Having people around, but notfeeling truly understood or
valued.
In today's world, we'reconnected all the time, but
often in shallow ways.
We live in the era of alonetogether.
We're all just tiny littlesilos of information walking
(13:46):
around.
And we're connected to ourtechnology and devices when
before we were connected to eachother.
And in remote work, fewer thirdspaces and pandemic
aftershocks, we've lost thosespontaneous serendipitous
(14:08):
moments, the small talk at thecoffee shop, the smile on a
grocery aisle.
We've lost these small bits offriction, these small touch
points where we're in linefor...
tickets to a movie theater doyou guys remember that tickets
to a movie theater now we buytickets online they show up on
(14:31):
our phone we scan them as wewalk in it used to be you would
stand in line at the movietheater buy your ticket kind of
turn to the person behind or theperson in front say oh what are
you seeing I'm excited aboutthis what are you going to get
for a snack and so it was muchmore of a community feel and now
(14:52):
We hardly make eye contact withthe people at the movie
theater.
Sometimes there isn't evenanybody at the ticket booth.
So we're living in an era ofalone together.
But it doesn't have to be thisway.
We can absolutely make adifference.
(15:14):
We can absolutely change it.
A while back, I had a randomconversation in a coffee shop.
Blueberry Muffins And if Idon't stop and think about it, I
(15:52):
really lose sight of the factthat there are people, maybe she
worked remotely from home andthis was her only interaction of
the day with a stranger.
And that can fill us up in away that's very meaningful.
Connection doesn't always looklike deep talks or long
friendships.
Sometimes it's just being seenin the ordinary moments.
(16:18):
So what helps?
Community involvement.
For older adults, volunteeringhas been shown to lower stress
and blood pressure.
And for all of us, helpingothers gives us purpose and a
sense of belonging.
Purpose and a sense ofbelonging are gifts that keep on
(16:45):
giving.
Yes, we can listen to everypodcast under the sun about how
to optimize our health.
But if we're not connectingwith people we love, if we're
not being of service to ourcommunities, we are missing a
(17:05):
huge part of wellness.
When we give of ourselves toothers, we really get back and
we get back somethingintangible.
But that intangible thingreally lifts us up.
Social prescribing is anotherpowerful tool.
(17:29):
In the UK and Australia,doctors are writing
prescriptions for group artclasses, walking clubs, and
volunteering because they knowconnection is medicine.
With my clients, I often...
(17:50):
We often talk about how, yes,we're talking about things and
we're working through things,but there are also healing
benefits that are happening twoor three layers below the
surface.
And that's what connection doesfor us.
That's how connection heals us.
(18:11):
Often we are wounded inconnection and then we heal in
connection.
We cannot be whole and well andheal in solitude.
Peer support is just aseffective as group therapy for
(18:35):
reducing depression.
So peer support looks likechatting with your friends.
It looks like book clubs.
It looks like going on walkstogether.
It looks like barbecues in thebackyard.
And then there's nostalgia.
Revisiting old memories andmusic can boost connection, even
(18:58):
internally.
Oh man, there are these GarthBrooks songs that take me back.
And there is something thathappens inside my body.
When I'm listening to TobyKeith and Garth Brooks, I just
relax.
For those of you outside ofTexas or outside of listening to
country music, you can look upToby Keith and Garth Brooks, but
(19:20):
they shoot me back straight tohigh school.
Even my mom, when my momhears...
Excuse me.
When my mom hears I Should HaveBeen a Cowboy by Toby Keith,
she texts me and says, oh, Iremember you used to love this
song in high school.
So that connection point isbetween me and Toby Keith, me
(19:41):
and my mom, and my mom and TobyKeith.
And it keeps us just connected,which is really beautiful.
Even AI companies have shown inrecent studies to offer online
comfort and ease withloneliness, even they're looking
for ways to alleviate this withpeople, which I know is a
(20:06):
little bit contradictory to whatI'm saying.
But even they are even, eventhe thing that is keeping us
disconnected is trying toconnect us more.
Which makes me wonder, whatmight you listener prescribe
yourself to If your heart werethe patient, what would you say
(20:27):
that you need?
A phone call, maybe write a fewlines of poetry, a walk with
somebody who listens.
Maybe it's a good workout witha friend.
Maybe it's playing beach.
I said beach instead of beach,but that's okay.
Playing beach volleyball atyour local park.
(20:51):
Honestly, I thought aboutjoining the adult link.
Maybe I will.
These types of fun connectionpoints that are lighthearted and
silly, but get us out therewith our friends, our family,
and our community.
Let's make this personal.
(21:11):
Here are five gentle ways toreconnect starting today.
First, is a daily microconnection.
Text someone you've beenthinking about.
Smile at a neighbor.
Make eye contact with a baristaat your coffee shop.
(21:34):
You'd be surprised how manypeople don't make eye contact
anymore.
This is not part of theculture.
Part of our culture is to nowgaze downward at our phone and
Something I work on a lot withclients is just being
comfortable making eye contactwith people.
(21:54):
Number two, join something.
A club, a class, a communitycircle, even once a month can
shift your sense of belonging.
There are plenty of communityorganizations where They would
love your participation, yoursupport, your enthusiasm.
(22:19):
Go make your communitysomething you want to be a part
of.
Peer support.
Look for groups in your town oronline.
You are not alone in whatyou're feeling.
Professional help.
Ask your doctor or therapistabout community-based healing,
(22:44):
even if you're quote-unquotedoing okay.
This is a pretty vulnerablething to do, I will admit.
Community group and grouptherapy is pretty difficult for
a lot of people because it'sbeing vulnerable in front of
multiple people.
(23:05):
And everybody's kind of rawtogether.
And I understand how that canbe a bridge too far if you're
just getting into this space.
And lastly, introspectivepractices.
Journal about who and whatmakes you feel safe.
Explore where you might beholding back.
(23:27):
What stories did you grow upwith about being independent or
strong?
Could those be keeping you fromreaching out?
Getting to a point where we canaccept help or we're willing to
accept help can be soincredibly vulnerable.
(23:48):
But what's on the other side ofthat is true connection.
One thing I've noticed in mypractice is is people rarely
say, I feel lonely.
That's not something that justfloats to the top of our
(24:12):
thoughts very often.
What they say is, I'm tired allthe time.
I don't enjoy anything anymore.
I feel like something'smissing.
But sometimes all those thingsare pointing to to the fact that
we are disconnected, that weare lonely, and that what's
(24:36):
missing is being known.
A listener once wrote to me,I've got three kids, a partner,
a full calendar, and yet itfeels like nobody really knows
who I am.
And she sounded just like myfriend that I was talking to.
And so if that's you, Pleaseknow you are not broken.
(25:03):
You are not the only one.
And you belong here.
Maybe your next step is sendinga text or joining that group
you've been eyeing.
Or maybe it's just lettingyourself be vulnerable and
asking for help, knowing thatthis is part of connection.
(25:27):
And on the other side of askingfor help is And support and
connection is more fulfillment,more meaning, and a richer, more
textured life.
And that's a wrap on today'sepisode of Couch Time with Kat.
I'm so grateful you joined mehere.
(25:47):
Whether you were walking,driving, or curled up with a cup
of something warm, I hopetoday's conversation left you
feeling just a little moreconnected to yourself and a
little less alone in whateveryou're walking through.
If you'd like to connect withme, you can find me at
katiaholm.com.
That's C-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-M.com orover on Instagram at Katia
(26:08):
Hernandez Holm.
I'd love to hear your thoughts,your questions, or what this
episode stirred in you.
If we had a guest on today'sepisode, you can find all their
links and info in the shownotes.
Please support their work andfollow along if they resonated
with you.
And if this episode meantsomething to you, would you
please take a moment to rate,review, and share it with a
(26:29):
friend?
These stories matter.
Your voice matters.
Until next time, be kind toyourself.
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